Hey, I saw Oakland win 23-2 on Saturday. I'll probably forget to tell my grandchildren I was there, so I'll just tell you now, instead. I still have the sunburn to prove it, too! RAW is WAR 2.10.00 *Every* high spot should be prepended with "Peligro! Peligro!" Not only do they call the Rock "La Roca," which I always find incredibly cool, but they even tried to get away with calling referee Tim White "Tim Blanco." Go go go! RAW is WAR 2.10.00 I have *one* problem with Heat. ("Only one?" "Well, THIS week.") This is FREAKIN' MTV here - you telling me that NOBODY can say "ass?" THE WHOLE BLINKIN' HOUR they ran promos for "Jackass" and they didn't airbrush THAT out - come on, GET WITH THE PROGRAM RAW is WAR 2.10.00 The Champ is ready to talk....no, wait. First, the "Rock E" chant. Okay, NOW he's ready...no, he's just going to hold the mic to his lips, then wait for another chant. Oh man, it's gonna be one of THOSE nights. RAW is WAR 2.10.00 And if you're Marion Barry'n you see crack...["Rock E!" FINISH THE DAMN SENTENCE] ...you ssssssssmoke it RAW is WAR 2.10.00 Oh, bloody hell, now they're giving an entrance to RIKASHMONEY? Michael Cole: "Stop the pain, King!" Me: "Oh, that was in my head." Lawler: "Somebody play my music, I wanna go up and demand a title shot!" Me: "Whoa! Lawler actually SAID that out loud!" RAW is WAR 2.10.00 I'll let you in on a secret. THIS segment is the reason your RAW report is a day late. RAW is WAR 2.10.00 Hey, BY THE WAY, isn't "We've got pop" as grammatically INcorrect as "You've got mail?" And why'd it take me a week to think about that? A: Repeated viewing of muscle car guy temporarily disabled brain cells RAW is WAR 2.10.00 Hey Austin, anything less would be uncivilised! Pit stains aren't hidden by a black T-shirt, buddy! RAW is WAR 2.10.00 Golly! That kid STILL sees dead people! I need to see that movie some day so I can understand why all the Bruce Willis stuff is a spoiler... RAW is WAR 2.10.00 For the record, tonight it was a *garbage can lid* that prompted "Oh, it's Party Time." Apparently, neither Edge or Christian really wanted the pin, too. I guess I'm sorry I blew this off. Not sorry enough to go back and FIX this, mind you. I'll just try harder NEXT time. Yeah. RAW is WAR 2.10.00 It's been almost thirty seconds, so let's have the HOT TAG to Chyna RAW is WAR 2.10.00 Have you noticed that the APA haven't TOUCHED a beer since Austin came back? Clearly, he's HOLDING DOWN THE BROTHAS RAW is WAR 2.10.00 NOOOOOOOO TNN REPEATS THE GAY AD WITH THE GAY PEOPLE GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY RAW is WAR 2.10.00 oh, guess he was playing possum with that injury! Now I have to take THAT back, too. *These guys are making me look bad!* RAW is WAR 2.10.00 Regal: "Do you not know...Transylvania isn't even a country - it's Romania! It's had thousands and thousands of years of history, and it's embodied by a man dressed as a fictitious ghoul with a box of breakfast cereal? SmackDown! 5.10.00 Besides, that "14 million" is what I would call "fuzzy math" - ask Phil Mushnick how many of those millions aren't voting age, and ask 1Bob Ryder how they're using their magic calculator to double and triple count viewers. They'll be HAPPY to tell you! SmackDown! 5.10.00 By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Owen Hart* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin. SmackDown! 5.10.00 Jericho picks him up - chop, into the ropes, reversal, holding on, Jericho gutshot, going for a piledriver, Benoit falls backwards and HE'S got him in position - but piledrivers are punishable by fines and suspensions, so Benoit only hits a shoulderbreaker instead SmackDown! 5.10.00 Again they're separated. For some reason, they play Triple H's music...I guess, 'cause he's the face. What? Maybe they told him "if you bleed, we'll play your music!" SmackDown! 5.10.00 I don't know what The Rick was talking about on Thursday; it's OBVIOUS they're singing "Why am I the thorn in your eye?" RAW is WAR 9.10.00 (Transmitido en espanol - SAP - hey Telemundo, THANKS for rescheduling Metal without telling me - bastards) RAW is WAR 9.10.00 this is apparently not a hardcore match, despite the fact that ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA mistakenly identifies the match as a hardcore title match. Makes sense - I mean, we already HAD a hardcore match tonight, right? Ross overcompensates by saying "nontitle" fifteen times. Hey, Ross, we don't correct YOU like that. RAW is WAR 9.10.00 1, 2, is this on? Heh! Yo Jimmy, hit me with that Triple H shhhhhhhhhhhhhh....see, they won't actually SAY "shit" but they'll IMPLY it. Somebody cut'n'paste this and send it to The Rick for me. (I call him "The") RAW is WAR 9.10.00 "Count faster!" Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda: "I'll do my job, you do yours." Hear that? Lo Down's gonna JOB RAW is WAR 9.10.00 Guerrero and Venis start. Kick, right, right, right, into the corner, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, why'd I type all that out? RAW is WAR 9.10.00 And now, the Lugz Boot of the Week! From SmackDown! last Thursday, Angle runs out and brains Kane with a chair - and then gives Rock a shot as well. See, he's the #1 Contender, so it's only *natural* that he'd start swinging a mean chair....er....I forgot where I was going with this RAW is WAR 9.10.00 So all this time Rikishi's been reprazentin' da island boys! Damn, he TOTALLY had me suckered in when he said he was standing for all the "fat (and healthy) people" back in '99! But the one big problem with the big speech can be summed up in three words: Yokozuna, Yokozuna, Yokozuna. Selective memory sure can be a BITCH sometimes, can't it? (Also, I'm pretty sure Rikishi Fatu debuted just *before* Survivor Series, but since Foley nailed it, he's allowed to be wrong on that one.) RAW is WAR 9.10.00 In the end - and after it's all said and done on THIS night - I want to watch the WWF again. I want to see where this story goes. And isn't *that* what it's all about? I don't know.... ...ask Vince Russo. RAW is WAR 9.10.00 Now I KNOW that Mr. Fuji walked around with him, and I KNOW he waved a Japanese flag, but you can't let that blind you! Or should I say deafen you, because the deal is: *EVERY* time you actually LISTENED to a WWF television program which had Yokozuna wrestling, he was always *always* ALWAYS *ALWAYS* announced as "hailing from the Polynesian islands." If you actually LISTENED, you knew he wasn't Japanese - he was merely a tool of Mr. Fuji to get Japan over. I mean, you didn't think he was *American* when he carried around that *USA* flag, DID YOU? So stop writing me with "Yokozuna was JAPANESE!" because *I* have the tapes and *I* pay attention and *you* need to be more like *me* and I don't want to have to talk down to you like this EVER AGAIN, okay? Okay! SmackDown! 12.10.00 It means you can do any damn thing you want to Rikishi, and it's all LEGAL!" "It's all...legal." "Nobody goes to jail." "Nobody goes to jail." Is this the Jedi mind trick? SmackDown! 12.10.00 Sunday at 9am, there will be XFL cheerleader tryouts at the Spectrum Club in Manhattan Beach! Jerry Lawler will be there trying to get arrested! SmackDown! 12.10.00 Venis back to the headlock. Arm falls once...arm falls twice...if you think the arm's falling thrice, you're very special. SmackDown! 12.10.00 Ramming his back into the turnbuckle. Hey, they're calling spots again! Into the opposite corner, H puts up the elbow (no WAY! Just like they called it!), RAW is WAR 16.10.00 It's Rikishi and Austin at No Mercy - how can it not suck? Think "lowered expectations!" RAW is WAR 16.10.00 The car screeches to a halt - and we see Rikishi lean out the window. "Austin - this Sunday - No Mercy!" and off he drives...Ross has eight simultaneous heart attacks and "son of a bitches" it up as we head to the break. RAW is WAR 16.10.00 The refs empty out from the back and attempt to get these two separated - X-Pac has a chair, but Jericho hits a springboard dropkick to the chair, taking 'Pac back outside! Play Jericho's music! No, wait, he's not done - there's a pescado onto X-Pac, Korderas and Doan - and Doan lands RIGHT on his head. Play Jericho's music! No, wait he's STILL not done! How's he break free from five refs to get another piece of X-Pac? The world may never know. RAW is RAW 16.10.00 Is that El Merenguero's old SuperAstros music leading out ol' Double Gold there? Synchronised tumbling run demonstration before the match. Let's call this one 1 and hope I can make it stick. Buh-Buh Ray is the Dudley, that's for sure. RAW is WAR 16.10.00 EL PERRO DEL CAMINO v. BALD VENIS (with Steven Richards) - hey, remember when Dogg was the first feud for these guys? No? Well, that was more of a house show thing, I guess. RAW is WAR 16.10.00 Oh man, not the Muscle Car Guy again - hell, HE'S probably gay too RAW is WAR 16.10.00 You know the one thing I HAVEN'T heard advanced to explain Monday's low ratings for RAW was "absence of a twenty minute interview segment to open the show" - I wonder if anybody actually tried that one over at the WWFE towers. Probably some writer did. SmackDown! 19.10.00 We need Stevie Ray as colour commentator on this show so he can say "HIS house!" a few hundred times...forget Skipper, *Blackman's* where it's at! SmackDown! 19.10.00 Tazz holds on for a Northern Lights suplex...for 2. Or, if you're Cole, a "fisherman's suplex." Yikes, he CAN'T be doing that on purpose...can he? Tazz should leave the ring right now and scream "NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX" in Cole's face. SmackDown! 19.10.00 Rikishi stands over Ross' prone form and slowly raises his sledgehammer... Ah, hell, Foley shows up just in time to tell him not to do it. SmackDown! 19.10.00 Into the corner, but Hardy pops up and off the top rope with a twisting somersault clothesline (or, if you're Cole, "a knockdown")! SmackDown! 19.10.00 You see, Kurt Angle, you and the Rock, we're gonna have a WWF title match, in which many moves are gonna be executed - an arm bar, a wrist lock, and many other moves. Whoa - Rock knows a *wristlock*? SmackDown! 19.10.00 Oh, man...you and I are in for a TREAT - Trish Stratus is gonna SPEAK! Maybe she'll tell us where her tits and ass are if we're lucky. SmackDown! 19.10.00 1, 2...Triple H makes the save! Of course, Rock and H are legal, but Hebner proved Monday he couldn't be bothered to remember silly details like that. SmackDown! 19.10.00 Oh, and Hogan? You're NEVER getting THAT win back, big man. YOSH! Rodney Anoai: 1966-2000 RAW is WAR 23.10.00 ROCK BOTTOM! PLAY HIS MUSIC! WE GOT OUT IN UNDER FIFTEEN! RAW is WAR 23.10.00 He drops the mic and rushes the ring. I don't know about you, but I'M waiting for the WELL IT'S KANE run-in - ahh, *there* it is. (DQ 2:10) RAW is WAR 23.10.00 MR. ASS (with That Slut Chyna) v. BALD VENIS (with Steven Richards) - Awww, lookit that cute little retarded kid with a "Mr. Ass" sign RAW is WAR 23.10.00 Jerry Lawler leches it up at the Las Vegas XFL cheerleader tryouts. Maybe he should just start cruising elementary school playgrounds and save some steps. Please leave the camera crew at home. No evidence for you, and we're spared having to watch it. Everybody wins! RAW is WAR 23.10.00 We look backstage, where Stephanie and Angle are standing near the other side of the curtain. "The music - shouldn't we go out there?" "Hang on a second, Kurt. You're the champ...make 'em wait!" "Yeah...yeah, you're right - I *am* the Champion!" You know, I *thought* we had quite a lot of time left in this show... RAW is WAR 23.10.00 Angle flies in with the belt, crowns H with it, and tosses the belt outside. Hebner somehow misses all this. Angle goes outside to bring the belt in a second time, and gives *Rock* a beltshot. Hebner sees THIS, but apparently lets it go. RIKASHMONEY waddles out - right for Angle, oh are you kidding me? (DQ 8:51) RAW is WAR 23.10.00 Hey, you know using a table probably won't get you the tag titles...oh, it's a moot point as EDGE & CHRISTIAN come out with chairs and brain the Dudleyz. Aw shit. (DQ 7:06) They hit the ring and brain the champs as well. Play Edge's music!! Replay of the screwjobaroony. SmackDown! 26.10.00 H hits thering and kicks Malenko out of the hold. Saturn in - H takes him out. H punching away on Malenko and clotheslining *him* out of the ring. Play HIS music! Hey, I think Herb just told me that H just stole all the heat back! SmackDown! 26.10.00 Now, because I've already been burned once by..well, perhaps that's a poor choice of words. Because I've already wasted one segment tonight detailing seven minutes of action only to be snookered by a DQ, and because we got one in Jericho's match on Monday, I'm just gonna lay out here and see if we get anything resembling a clean finish. Then, if we DO, I'll come back and tell you about all this great action I'm blowing off right now. Hey, remember when Trish Stratus was all into Kurt Angle? Whatever happened with that? Well, sure enough here comes WELL IT'S KANE *just* before Angle could tap out to the Walls of Jericho - flying clothesline to Jericho's back (DQ 5:41) SmackDown! 26.10.00 Crash moves ths steps between Albert's legs, grabs the STOP sign and...hits the steps. And again. And five more times. Don't know how this hurts Albert, but apparently it does. SmackDown! 26.10.00 I'm gonna start calling him "Pete" until he goes back to dressing like a caveman and calling himself the Tasmaniac and fighting Sabu in front of twelve people in a high school auditorium. THAT'LL show 'em SmackDown! 26.10.00 Too Cool weigh 438 - only fourteen pounds more than one Rikishi. (Or, if you're Cole, "seven.") SmackDown! 26.10.00 " But now, the only left to break is YOU. Come on." Hell, I thought she was gonna say "your balls" - didn't you? Must be too early in the night. RAW is WAR 31.10.00 WILLIAM REGAL is out with a...scroll? HE'S THE GENIUS! RAW is WAR 31.10.00 Replay doesn't show that it took Undertaker two tries to get Regal up. You know, if they'd just LET THE MAN DO HIS DAMN MOVE, he wouldn't have had that problem. RAW is WAR 31.10.00 Smack Down Your Vote! Visit www.vote-smart.org and www.youthvote2000.org (and www.lp.org - oh sorry) RAW is WAR 31.10.00