Received: from hotmail.com (f83.law4.hotmail.com [216.33.149.83]) by mail.CRZ.net (8.11.0/8.11.0) with ESMTP id f08DAfS04962 for ; Mon, 8 Jan 2001 05:10:41 -0800 (PST) Received: from mail pickup service by hotmail.com with Microsoft SMTPSVC; Mon, 8 Jan 2001 05:10:35 -0800 Received: from 216.183.140.3 by lw4fd.law4.hotmail.msn.com with HTTP; Mon, 08 Jan 2001 13:10:35 GMT X-Originating-IP: [216.183.140.3] From: "Jason... or something" To: chris@kzim.com Subject: December In Quotes Date: Mon, 08 Jan 2001 08:10:35 -0500 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; format=flowed Message-ID: X-OriginalArrivalTime: 08 Jan 2001 13:10:35.0903 (UTC) FILETIME=[638260F0:01C07974] X-UIDL: d506e951bc4e32bf1438e2b5675707d5 Status: RO X-Status: F Hey Z, I hope this is done right, and is in time. If not, just make fun of me or something. I present to you: CRZ IN QUOTES - DECEMBER 2000... 30k of it! - WWF - A SAD TALE: Gather round my children and hear my words, in case you haven't already heard this story on the EZboard. Last Friday, tickets for SmackDown! at the Oakland Arena went on sale. Like a good fan, I stayed up all night to try to be first into the tickets.com website to get some good seats. I hit tickets.com precisely at 10am and managed to tie up six ALMOST PERFECT tickets - ringside, section 1, row 4. Right in front of the cameras. I had the credit card ready, I was GOING to commit $300 to these tickets, damn the torpedoes, don't worry whether I'd be able to hit up people for $40 + $6.25 "convenience" fee + $2.50 "some other tax" fee, just DO it, baby,just do it. Of course, tickets.com decided at that EXACT moment that suddenly, their servers were too BUSY to take my order. I tried to submit the order again. "Sorry, our server is experiencing high usage and you didn't get through." Again. Again. What they were REALLY saying was "we don't care WHAT kind of uberfan you think you are - you *ain't* gettin' six choice seats because we're only interested in selling them to EVIL SCALPERS who have NO love for wrestling but will happily turn around and break up THIS block for $250 per because IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY AGAINST CRZ." I know this, because after the requisite period of time, tickets.com gave up on me. Never mind that I was frantically trying to complete the damn order if only they'd LOOK at my credit card - no, they decided that since their time limit had expired and they hadn't heard from me, I *obviously* had no interest in purchasing these tickets, so they returned them back to the pool, where a Satan-worshipping drug fiend used a stolen credit card to quickly snap them up. HE managed to get through on THE PHONE, you see, because it was probably a stolen cel phone with a wicked speed dial. Hey, I can only hit "Reload" so many times. Is it possible I'm telling this sad story here in order to elicit sympathy from the company I faithfully detail for thousands - nay, TENS of thousands of fans, fans who are *hungry* for a happy ending to this sad tale? "Mmmmmm, COULD be...." Hey, it never hurts to TRY. RAW - December 4 - Soupbones a-flyin'! 'Taker back in - Ross says "soupbone" - hi, Ross - I learned that trick from Hyatte. RAW - December 4 - MICHAEL KING COLE is backstage with Debra. Angle's interfered again, and Foley's absent! Debra says he's stuck in traffic after a book signing in New York, but he should be here soon. That's funny, I thought all the traffic would be trying to get OUT of Jersey RAW - December 4 - In the local slot, AT&T Broadband puts up a WCW Starrcade promo ...and a Golden State Warriors ad. Oof - they go together, somehow RAW - December 4 - How much a success do they plan the XFL to be? THEY'VE GIVEN IT THE BRAWL FOR ALL THEME RAW - December 4 - KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY (holy CRAP! What happened to his HAIR? Did he lose an ECWA match or something?) stands in the towering presence of the Rock, who puts up a hand for him to talk to. RAW - December 4 - And now, the main event you've all been waiting for....BILLIONAIRE VINCE is out. RAW - December 4 - He stares at McMahon on all fours...he's fixated on his ass...oh, no, he's setting up for Rock Bottom. RAW - December 4 - Don't treat her like a woman, don't treat her like a man....treat me like a dog, get me down on my knees...no, that's not it. SmackDown! - December 7 - A shirtless CHRIS BENOIT is out to show off his pecs, apparently...Long is suitably distracted as Ivory WHACKS Chyna with the Women's title...Venis covers for the 1, 2, 3. (3:51) HA! The Right to Censor wins AGAIN! Up yours! I hope they TAKE OVER! I hope Stephanie DID write that because it was AWESOME! SmackDown! - December 7 - SmackDown! 2 ad - tallying awards has kept me from playing No Mercy all week - I was Jericho and won a #1 Contender's four-way to get a shot at Malenko, but that damn Eddie Guerrero came out and interfered copiously! I was gonna meet him backstage to settle it in a street fight, but I had to stop to watch the ECW PPV. Boy did *I* make the wrong choice... SmackDown! - December 7 - Backstage, a limousine pulls up. Pat Patterson is waiting....Vince McMahon comes out with a cane in hand. Patterson helps him into his infamous Ironside wheelchair...and now he's WHEELING! SmackDown! - December 7 - During the Break, a crying Linda walks by the camera saying "I can't believe he did that" and tries to cry some more on her way inside the limo. Silly Linda - WOOD CAN'T CRY SmackDown! - December 7 - Finally... and hey, if I can take just a minute to get particularly personal... I need to ask your help with something, if I may. Kim's going in for surgery Friday at noon... if everybody could just take a moment to direct a little positive energy her way, I would really appreciate it. You know...even if you're not one who believes, it wouldn't hurt to say a little prayer anyway, just in case somebody over there CAN hear you. I'd apologise for being so selfish, but.....well, I hope to God it's just this once. Get well soon, kiddo - I'll be here when you get out. I love you. SmackDown! - December 7 - Why IS he a thorn in your eye, anyway? RAW - December 11 - Ross can't tell the difference between Malenko and Saturn? Time to put a bullet in him. RAW - December 11 - Meanwhile, the Rock is WALKING! He almost looks LOST! RAW - December 11 - Buh Buh outside with a shot for Edge (or, if you're Ross, "Christian" - ROSS HE'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU), trying to help out the Rock. RAW - December 11 - Here comes - whoa! The Giant Swing! Unfortunately, she loses the center and just about decapitates Ivory on the bottom rope as she ends up in the corner. Maybe she and Gunn could cripple *each other* instead of people I enjoy watching? RAW - December 11 - YOW! Kevin Kelly stands in front of an EXCITING door! Actually, right there next to Kelly, that door *is* starting to look rather exciting... RAW - December 11 - Gotta get ready for the WrestleManiacs holiday office party - it stands to be quite a soiree, even though Ben declined to attend - apparently, our party was scheduled the same night as Vince Russo's, Roddy Piper's, Shane Douglas', Sonny Onoo's, and quite a few lawyers' - damn his popularity AND his Rolodex! E.C. couldn't make it, either - he said his wife told him that he was *already* spending too much time with us; besides, he'd probably just kill off the party anyway. We were pretty lucky to get the rest of the originals, though. Al is going to spend the entire party under the table, for some reason. Scott's all ready to say "the hors d'oeuvres were there - one a half stars" AND provide gift-wrapped copies of his upcoming book...provided we pay him for them in advance. Mike plans on attending...but he'll only be actually *talking* once an hour. Rick's gonna go into great detail telling us how totally shitfaced he's gonna get...then he'll actually GET totally shitfaced - and THEN, amuse us all by alternating between repeatedly saying "I love you guys" and continually apologising profusely for ever signing us to that damn WrestleLine contract. As for me, I'll be hanging the decorations, doing the catering, tending bar AND serving as DJ...because, dammit, I just don't trust any of these other yahoos around here to get the job done. SmackDown! December 14 - How come they don't end WRESTLING shows with a blooper reel like they do for "Martial Law?" That'd be SO COOOOL RAW - December 18 - I don't know who would want to marry you, Mick Foley...but if I were your wife - which I wouldn't be, but if I were - I'd follow Mr. McMahon's lead and I'd ask for a divorce, too." "Wait a minute - did you just say if you were my wife?" "You know what I'm saying - don't turn this around, Foley." "Wait wait - wait a second - you didn't say if you were my wife?" "No!" "First off, Kurt...if you were my wife, I wouldn't marry a woman with a receding hairline. I would not marry a whining, snivelling backstabbing crybaby like you, Kurt Angle. RAW - December 18 - Meanwhile, Matt Hardy tries to peptalk his brother by asking him to think about everything the Radicalz have done to them and Lita. If he beats Benoit he takes more than his title, he takes his PROD! (Sorry, I saw that on "The Critic" once). "It's time for Benoit to find out what Jeff Hardy's all about!" Matt slaps him on the ass on his way out. If MY brother did that to ME, I'd KICK HIS ASS. RAW - December 18 - I LOVE it when Right to Censor win, mostly because I'm the only person that doesn't get really pissed off about it. RAW - December 18 - Royal Rumble promo features midgets and Amish dudes. I'll bet you thought I was gonna make a JOKE here. RAW - December 18 - Saturn is trying to avenge the injuries suffered by Malenko and/or Guerrero (damn you, Ross, and your inability to tell two completely different man apart). RAW - December 18 - Meanwhile, Vince is oiling 'em up - a knock at the door, and it's...Trish! "To what do I owe this unexpected...pleasure?" "I just want to say that I really admired what you did out there tonight, especially what you did to Mick Foley! You know, I love a man who takes charge." "You know something, Trish...that's something that, uh...(twirls her hari) I do real well is take charge." "Well, Mr. McMahon, I just wanted to also wish you good luck in your match tonight." "Well, thank you very much and...good luck in yours, Trish." McMahon puts another big glob of baby oil in his palm....OH GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY HE'S NOT GONNA DROP THE PANTS RIGHT NOW AND whew, he's just oiling up his biceps some more. RAW - December 18 - REGAL BEATS AUSTIN is your headline, Daddy RAW - December 18 - Jacqueline repeatedly bouncing Stratus' head off the mat...surprisingly, it has no effect on her ("Hey! You're SEXIST!" "No, I'm blondist") RAW - December 18 - TNN - one gay guy after another saying "pop" RAW - December 18 - Damn, and here I was trying to be all clever pointing out the problems with Stephanie's performance from last Thursday...all I've done is fall onto the Wheel of Fortune again. I don't know about you, but when it all comes together, when it all makes sense, when you can go "aha" because it all SNAPS from a jumble of puzzle pieces to a razor-sharp picture....THAT'S why I keep watching this WWF. Because nobody, NOBODY else can keep putting it together like they can. And I have to keep coming back....because, dammit, it's worked - I *have* to know where it goes from here. I'd STILL like 'em to explain Triple H surviving that fall in the car, though. OH SORRY RAW - December 18 - Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Lawler's cel phone rings...it's a phone call from Gary & Mike. Oh Lord. I leave it to you to figure out how a couple of animated guys can show up next week. SmackDown! December 21 - WHY would you pay $85 when you ALREADY have a perfectly good oven to put your frozen pizzas in? I mean, how many frozen pizzas do you EAT, anyway? I *maybe* have one a month...and I consider myself on the high end of frozen pizza eating! SmackDown! December 21 - Moments Ago, something entertaining happened...then Kane showed up SmackDown! December 21 - Edge & Christian are WALKING! Meanwhile, Undertaker is WALKING! Meanwhile, Rock is WALKING! Meanwhile, Gangrel is WALKING! No, wait, that last one only happened in my mind. SmackDown! December 21 - Not only is this Very Special Christmas SAMMO *not* Very Special, it ain't even Christmas! (unless Sammo's birthday is Christmas) RAW - December 25 - STEPHANIE ONO sidles out in the same santa hat she wore last year...the jury's still out on the chest, though. RAW - December 25 - Raven's up from behind with his OWN block of wood to the back of the head! 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore champion. WORST CHRISTMAS EVER. RAW - December 25 - "Over the holidays, some of you, my friends...indulge far too much. Like swine, you trot down your food, not having time to enjoy it. And then, you sit at the dinner table, crudely belching and breaking wind...I believe in America you call it 'fahting.' Now, it's not your fault - you just don't know any better. But think of the children - they are the future. You cannot belch and faht in front of your children! So please, set an example, on this joyous of days--" Well, SOMEBODY lit one...oh, wait, that's just Kane's normal wall of fire... RAW - December 25 - The Smark just popped in - I thought I gave him the night off - complaining about Jericho being held down, once again, and we need look no farther than this finish for proof. Of course, this is the same guy who was doing an awful lot of complaining about the WWF Champion never getting a clean win. Go figure. RAW - December 25 - WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER (with Steven Richards & Ivory) v. ACOLYTES (with Jacqueline) - Buchanan: "What kinda world are we livin' in? When you can buy merchandise for your children that promotes violence and vulgarity! The APA's T-shirt reads 'Always Pounding......Ass.' How can we let this be sold on the Internet? It's wrong! I said it's wrong! I want you people to turn AWAY from the Internet! I want you to turn AWAY from the WWF propaganda! I want you all to come together and say NO MORE!" Goodfather: "People. The Internet has become a habringer for nothing more of filth and decay. The World Wide Web is there to trap you until it slowly strangles all the goodness from each and every one of ya. So open your eyes, people - just open your eyes!" Now, having actively worked on the Internet for the better part of a decade, and having used it as a student for the REST of that decade, I believe I can say with some semblance of authority that EVERYTHING they just said...is COMPLETELY true! RAW - December 25 - Wow! Kevin Kelly stands in front of an exciting door! He'll be emasculated NEXT! RAW - December 25 - Holy cow! Those STEEL steps have stood on end and moved to the barricades! It's a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! RAW - December 25 - Hey, I caught that iGeneration Wrestling PPV on Tuesday night. Awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, stinky, awful, and awful. Simply dreadful. I'm not sure if it was better or worse than "Heroes of Wrestling," mostly because I'll NEVER be inclined to go back and watch HoW to check... SmackDown! - December 28 - Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley is WALKING! PLEASE, STEPHANIE...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO TAKE YOUR HAND OFF YOUR HIP, IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT SmackDown! - December 28 - Backstage, Austin is leaving the arena - one beer finished, he whips out another. How he can drink while he's WALKING, I'll never know SmackDown! - December 28 - Meanwhile, Rikishi has caught onto the latest craze - he too is WALKING! Meanwhile, the Undertaker, surprisingly, is WALKING! Meanwhile, Viscera is WALKING! Oh wait, that's not him - it's actually an ad. SmackDown! - December 28 - WCW - EVERYTHING: was moved to the top of the RAW recap since nobody reads the Nitro report anymore. It's true! I have numbers that PROVES it! This, of course, raises an interesting philosophical discussion. Did people stop reading because people stopped caring about WCW, or did they stop reading because *I* stopped caring about WCW? Nitro - December 4 - We open the show with the TV-14-DL ratings box and shots of the University of Nebraska - if you've ever spent any time in SoCal, you've probably seen that old standby that shows up every year - the members of the Cornhuskers think the "N" on their helmet stands for Knowledge. Nitro - December 4 - Let Us Take You Back to Thunder, where Torrie Wilson suffered a money saving injury Nitro - December 4 - The following is a paid announcement from Jimmy Hart - oh no it's not - lemme tell ya, even the people putting these things TOGETHER aren't even paying attention...otherwise they'd notice that their graphics say "IS A PAID PAID ANNOUNCEMENT" - the only sad thing about the WWF not buying WCW is we can't see Lawler punk out Hart yet again Nitro - December 4 - Buff Bagwell STILL carries the power of Lee M. Cardholder's card - man, that guy's gonna be PISSED when he finally gets around to reporting it stolen! Nitro - December 4 - Backstage, Crowbar catches up with Daffney - it's so great having her out there tonight, it's just like old times, what a great team they make. Daffney asks it he needs a ride. "I sort of..." and Baby and Chiquita appear on each arm. "I'll see ya next week." And off they go. A tech tries to get into the case she's sitting on...she hisses at him and he decides..maybe later. Awww....poor Daff's depressed. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE REALISED YOU LOVED HIM BACK WHEN YOU WERE FLAUNTING OZZIE IN FRONT OF HIM YOU...YOU STRUMPET Whoa. I'm sorry, there. Must have been a flashback Nitro - December 4 - At Starrcade, it's a Filthy Animal Street Fight - Jeff Jarrett & the Harris Brothers against the Filthy Animals! The Smark asked me "Jarrett's a five-time WCW champ...not bad for a midcarder, huh?" Umm....I didn't have an answer for THAT one. Nitro - December 4 - At this point, the post-production heroically tries to cover up an "Asshole" chant....unfortunately, the commentators don't know they're doing this, so they talk about it, confusing the viewing audience. I believe it's actually written down somewhere that any spontaneous heat generated by the crowd needs to be dampened as quickly as possible....I mean, you don't think they lose eighty million without a PLAN, do you? Nitro - December 12 - Backstage, where Crowbar, Kwee-wee and Meng lick their wounds. Jaime Knoble walks up and hits up these guys for career advice. Methinks he could have made a better choice. Nitro - December 12 - Meanwhile, Gene O. stands with Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Brothers. Tonight, they take on the Filthy Animals in an elimination match. I think my favourite part of this segment was when Heavy D and Big Ron ran off to take a crap. Nitro - December 12 - You cannot imagine how many consecutive months they'll say "you cannot imagine." Sin is 14 January! Sin - BRILLIANT name. I can see it now. "Mommy, Daddy....can we order Sin?" JUST BRILLIANT Nitro - December 12 - Monday Nitro will be pre-empted for the next two weeks - WOW! AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Nitro - December 12 - Meanwhile, Scott Steiner gives a pummelin' to the Jung Dragons, Evan Karagias & Jaime Knoble...and Elix Skipper. This is what we in the business like to refer to as a "push" ... for Steiner. Nitro - December 12 - By the way, this show will be pre-empted the next two weeks. Can I give you a CRAZY suggestion? Instead of spending all this time telling us Nitro WON'T be on, why not remind us that Thunder WILL be on? Is that too difficult? Do these guys WANT to ever actually MAKE money again? Nitro - December 12 - WOW - We're in...David McLane's office? Who knows? Maybe it's a broom closet. At any rate, McLane (still in tux?) sits at a desk and works a laptop. There's a knock at the door - it's Terri Gold! She's very upset (and whiny) - she wants to change her match and take on Mystery. McLane says he's already GOT a contract with her and Ice Cold. "If you don't give me this shot against Mystery, I will NEVER represent this organisation again!" Yeah, SCREW THE CHILDREN, TERRI. McLane tells her not to say stuff like that. "What kind of champion would I be if I couldn't get the belt back for my fans?" I think when she says "for my fans," she really means "for MEEEEEE." McLane weighs the repercussions of breaking a contract. "Does this thing mean this much to you?" "Yes it does, and it means a lot to my fans." "Well....I'd be breakin' the contract, but you're the first WOW champion of all time...means that much." "Yes - did you see what they did to me?" "Ice Cold ain't gonna like this..." "It doesn't matter!" Terri is the Rock! WOW #9 - I must have missed that bit about Phantom....hmm, her webpage seems to have disappeared, too. Don't tell me I'll never get to hear that BODYBUILDING VIOLIN again?!? WOW #9 - Farah, dressed in standard belly dancer garb, looks as if she's escaped from the harem by studying Charo's "coochie coochie" breast wiggle, and indeed, she cannot WALK without doing a lot of swiveling on top to get the legs going. Paradise, on the other hand, I'd describe as a Hawaii Five-O credits girl, except that we know that Boom Boom is WOW's resident Hawaiian, so I guess we'll just have to generic up Paradise's pedigree. Boy, sure looks like she's hula-ing in her entrance video, though. She also has hypnotic cleavage, if I may. Think of her as Tygress with a better face (sorry, Tygress). WOW #9 - Log on to wowe.com and try to navigate their message boards! WOW #9 - Caliente is once again doing her forbidden nipple dance. Even Hyde can't resist the call of the salsa. Caliente offers to teach her to dance...and I think I can see Hyde's nipples poking out as well! Caliente lets Hyde try on her skirt - everybody clap for the CRAZY LADY - whoops, just tripped. Okay, back up...oh oh, I think HER MOOD IS ABOUT TO CHANGE WOW #9 - Leave it to McLane: "Like every LA girl, she's now become vain!" Golly, sounds like SOMEONE'S had some bad luck with the chicks down in SoCal. WOW #9 - "Their opponents...introducing the Waryr Woman...TANNNNNJA! Her tag team partner...the total athlete...RRRRRRRRRRRoxy Powers!" Well, they can both hit bicycle kicks, but I'm not sure what else they'd have in common. McLane: "She's got the package!" Me: "Well, either she hides it well or you're wrong." WOW #9 - What *I* wanna know is how come Lana Star is emailing ALL these 'Net folk who talk about WOW ... ALL of them, that is, EXCEPT me? Why am *I* not good enough? How can I become the type of person that Lana Star would notice and email? Do I need to use more pink in my reports? Should I find more obscure places to talk about WOW? Should I spend less time talking about her breasts? CONUNDRUM CONUNDRUM WOW #9 - And what about McLane? DON'T BELIEVE IN THE DREAM - man, what a downer! Hey, kids, don't believe in your dreams! I mean, all I'M dreaming of is an email from Lana Star (and possibly a Caliente workout video) - are you telling me I shouldn't BELIEVE in that? WHAT is this world coming to?! WOW #9 - "the children are filling the ring!" Looks more like they want to perform bouncy moves off the ropes, quick, cut to a different camera. McLane: "These youngsters are in love with her...and she loves the kids!" Oh my. WOW #9 - Opening Credits - not recommended for epileptics WOW #10 - I think *Cleo* should be a wrestler. She could tell us ahead of time if she's going to win or not by looking at the cards, and then LATER, somebody can elbow her in the face... WOW #10 - Commentators discuss the won-loss record of Jungle Grrrl...and then of Terri Gold. Marshall asks when their rubber match will take place, and I wonder if he's asking what I *think* he's asking. WOW #10 - "Jungle Grrrl, what a spectacular move off that third rope, but in all MY years, I've never seen anyone come off the third rope and hit someone with their head!" Grrrl: "You should watch Chris Benoit sometime." No, really she says "Let me tell everybody here a couple of things! First of all, NEVER, EVER hunt what you can not kill." Then she hands the mic back before saying the second thing. I guess we'll never know. WOW #10 - I'm thrown by the fact that the outside partners are standing in adjacent corners, THEN by the fact that Marshall just said "as the Pointer Sisters would say, New Attitude" when I KNOW he probably means Patti LaBelle. (Insert joke about white guys and soul music here) WOW #10 - Ice Cold saves with an elbowdrop, and Poison pretends it was a tag, going outside...to the wrong corner. Oh well. WOW #10 - "McLane, this is all your fault! You *faggot!* How could you let this happen!?" Damn, she's not going to turn on her, either, is she. Did she just call him a.....and they didn't mute it? Yikes! Let's go to the replay...Ice Cold tied up with Milton, CRACK, Pizzazz put on top...the hell? A floating WOW logo meets up with Pizzazz' ... well, her... her "koochal" area, and then it *floats* around, blocking our view of Patti's posterior! THAT was a STRANGE choice. What are they trying to tell us here? Where am I? Why am I here? WOW #10 - JANE BLOND v. BOOM BOOM - "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing, from Her Majesty's Secret Service, it's Blond - Jaaaane Blond." Blond may not be James Bond, but she's certainly more James Bond than Dean Malenko is. We spend A LOT of time watching her entrance video - hey, she just blew up a man! Is that legal? WOW #10 - Dunk tries a THIRD time to make that ersatz sidewalk slam look like shit...and succeeds. WOW #11 - "So, Riot, let's tell 'em what our contenders are going to win..." "They're going to DIE." WOW #11 - McLane: "But one must wonder - is the machine of Riot and Danger as oiled and as lubed as Beckie the Farmer's Daughter and Bronco Billie?" Well, now I'M wondering - thanks a LOT, McLane. WOW #11 - Danger puts Beckie in her own corner - MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAG HER, BILLIE - head to the buckle. Geez, Billie *deserves* to lose the farm if she's not gonna use her BRAIN or nothin' WOW #11 - Riot: "Do you remember this?" and she puts Billie's head between her legs. What do you suppose happened in the past history of these two with THAT? WOW #11 - Riot makes a...rather gentle cover - Milton over after putting Danger out, 1...SHE PULLS HER UP! AND she lovingly strokes her hair. Man, that's IT - OBVIOUSLY Riot and Beckie had something going on behind the scenes. WOW #11 - "Lana Star, lemme tell ya something. You keep coming out here and interrupting the proceedings - I wouldn't be in your Christmas special if you were the GOOSE and I got to STUFF ya!" "Did you just say what I think you said?" So she breaks the mirror over his head. McLane comedically oversells it, as you might expect. Hey! She's turning face! WOW #12 - Have I mentioned that Billie looks like an attractive Francine? WOW #12 - Sign in crowd: "ROIT" WOW #12 - Here's a Quick Video Look at Lana Star - five-way split screen. Back to Star and Pizzazz. "It has always been my Christmas television traditional to recite 'A Visit from Lana Claus.'" "But isn't it your first Christmas special?" "So, it's a new tradition. Patti Pizzazz, why don't you go make some egg nog." "What about *pink* egg nog?" "Of course..." "Yummy!" Cue the music and associated images! Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Lana's house Everyone was invited, except Poison, that louse Pink stockings were hung by the chimney with care In hopes that Lana Claus soon would be there With Patti Pizzazz putting gifts by the tree Everyone would have brand new pictures of me Caged Heat was in prison, and Thug in the bar And I was more beautiful, just being Lana Star Riot busted up autos, and Danger was fond Of decorating tables with Jane Blond Jacklyn Hyde was sedated and calm as a child While Jungle Grrrl frolicked and romped in the wild Slam Dunk spun her opponent and dished out some pain While counting his pennies was old Scrooge McLane The Disciplinarian took her foes back to school And the Farmer's Daughter danced around like a fool Bronco Billie rode horses, Harley's Angels rode bikes And Ice Cold did just whatever she likes Farah and Caliente both did a dance And Mystery burned pictures, if you caught a glance Heather Steele did construction, Selina did the Stunner Patti and I beat up on Poison, now what could be funner Boom Boom did her squash, and Tanja her kick And Jade did a head scissors which was pretty slick Roxy Powers threw punches, and Lotus looked grand While Summer and Sandy just played in the sand Paradise did the hula and I whacked Julie Day Terri Gold did the Perfect 10 to her opponent's dismay Wendi Wheels revved her engine with all of its power While I got better looking by taking a shower The tag team tournament started with a blast We all want to get to that pay-per-view fast It was Caged Heat against Lotus and Jade And Asian Invasion has just been delayed Then Patti and I took on Tanja and Roxy The pair in the pink proved they could be very foxy Paradise and Farah lost to Poison and Ice Cold I know that we can beat them, if the truth be told The next tournament team will be Sandy and Summer If the Beach Patrol wins, it'll be such a bummer Still more teams are waiting to be given their due And go for the championship on pay-per-view Now remember, Christmas is a time to rejoice And revel in the gesture and sound of my voice With all of my fans cheering, I'm glad that they know I'm the star AND producer of the Christmas show I've won so many matches, you'll know I'll go far On the top of the tree, a bright Christmas star And my personal assistant has moved up a step Now she's Pizzazz and forgotten the Pep So to all of our opponents, stay out of our way Or you could get hit with a mirror or spray To any producer searching for a new star Stay tuned to WOW, you won't have to look far And to everyone watching, here's what I dream of Merry Pink Christmas to all, from Lana with love. "Here comes egg nog!" "It looks delicious!" "It can be our new Christmas tradition." "Merry Pink Christmas, Patti." "Merry Pink Christmas, Lana." (both) "Merry Pink Christmas to all of our WOW fans!" And they each blow ME a kiss. Awwwwww. WOW #12 - And that, my friend, is the end. Jason http://www.jerichopage.cjb.net - It's still prettty crappy! _________________________________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com.