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/wrestling /Special Feature /Year in Quotes |
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/wrestling /Special Feature /Year in Quotes |
| Special Feature | Year in Quotes |
MainBLAH |
1999 - PLAY THAT PRINCE SONG ONE MORE TIME Man, I'm TIRED. Let's get this thing started! Dedication: to Mike and Rick, one more time. (I DID switch their places this year, though - can't have Mike jealous that Rick's ALWAYS mentioned first!) If you're new to "the CRZ Experience," a long-time reader yearning for the chance to relive some golden (ha) moments, or you continually ask yourself "why the HELL do I keep reading this guy's work?" then perhaps this document (however many parts it ends up cut into) will be to your liking. What follows are the "highlights" from 128 reports about - and something like 316 1/2 hours spent watching - wrestling as we know it, or rather knew it, back in 1999. I could NEVER have done this on my own. Thanks to the following people for scouring through my words to choose what made them sit up and notice: (in no particular order) Octavian, Sean McDonald (aka Horsemen4ever), Bryan Mayer, Buff McKenzie, KIM!, David Deuyour, Jason Bucy, Michael Stakely, Ryan "The Perpetrator" Perperas, Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, Jon Michael, Max Chittister, Matt the Rat, Jim Viall, Craig Letawsky, Joshua Free, The MYSTERIOUS Rob L., Casey Cook, Tom (who has a girlfriend), and Justin Koury. If I missed your name, PLEASE harangue me about it - I think I got everybody but who can say. After a while everything turns blurry. Thanks also (grudgingly) to the folks at WrestleLine, past and present, for putting up with "CRZ being CRZ" - special specific notice to Shawn and Heather, my producers for the bulk of '99, and to Kevin, who runs the site (I think - last time I checked, anyway). Last but MOST CERTAINLY NOT least, my *extra special* thanks to YOU for continuing to support me by WALKING! Err, READING! See you in a year, if not sooner...let's get it on! WWF
Clips from last week - Vince fires Commissioner Michaels. Career retrospective has fun Rockers clips - lookit that bleached hair! Lookit him grow up before our eyes! Lookit him destroy lots of people no longer in the WWF!
D-GENERATION X standing with Michaels? I thought they didn't like each other anymore. Lawler: "I just don't get it!" CRZ: "Yeah!"
Nothing like a big ol' DQ to make a match interesting.
Goldust's music plays and he walks off while Chyna & Friend enter the ring. It's Cloudy, isn't it. Isn't it.
Let's Take You Back to two weeks ago as Mankind takes it to Shane, then
applies Mr. Jocko to Patterson (ugh). "I swear it was the first time I'd
ever grabbed a man's testicles in my life. Patterson I gotta tell ya, in a
rugged, manly kinda way, I enjoyed it." Humm.
Dennis Knight is hanging from the ceiling in chains. Was this trip really
necessary?
At the top of the ramp, the ROCK comes out to express his disapproval. Rock
is SO mad he repeatedly forgets to say "the Rock," and instead uses the
verboten word "I" when referring to himself.
Vince has a real Achilles heel in that lad, you know. Vince IS a real Achilles heel, har har.
EDGE (you think you know him) v. WHO IS THAT GUY? HE LOOKS SO FAMILIAR.
WHO - OH, IT'S D'LO BROWN. I DIDN'T RECOGNISE HIM - Let Us Take You Back as D'Lo has problems with PMS (read it again).
Patterson is set up "no no Kane, not my nuts" - he really said it.
Whip, reverse, thank GOD, I thought those beer kegs were just gonna STAND there.
Austin's day is gonna come - smack will be laid down and all that.
This wrestling match is keeping me from watching INTERVIEWS!
Backstage, we see several policeman flanking a locker room door with "GILLBERG" on it. Oh no, they're not gonna...
Golotta - and Gill cries like a little girl.
Oh my God, is that woman *Cheryl Roberts*? Oh, no, it's just Shamrock's sister. His WHA? Well. I wonder if she knows Taka's sister.
Hmm, *THIS* hour is rated TV-14. Somebody bleeds tonight! Or gets naked.
You know, when Edge smiles, I get uneasy.
I have a new RAW rule - if a Gregorian chant comes over the PA, something
that sucks is about to happen.
My friends, *Hell* is watching THIS crap take place before my eyes.
I should note that Paul has been brandishing a dagger in a Freudian manner.
Undertaker walks over to Knight and starts chanting as if he were about to
embalm him ... oh, SHIT, he's slitting his wrist. I do not want to see this.
There's lotsa - blood? which drips into a Gangrel-lookin' goblet. "Bullshit"
chant from crowd, that's right. "From this moment on, you are no longer
Dennis Knight - you are Minion! Now drink."
THIS WAS THE MOST FUCKING STUPID THING EVER. I don't care how much it costs, but drop this NOW. This is the kind of SHIT that makes columnists QUIT.
Cole and Lawler tell us they've never seen anything like this before. Fucking lamers, speak up and tell us thais was the STUPIDEST thing ever PUT on RAW. Come ON.
You can talk about drawing all the lines you want, but the only line *I* care
about is the one that delinates Shit I'll Watch from Shit I Won't Watch. I
won't watch that shit. Well, I HAVE to watch it, so I'll watch it. But you
won't enjoy what I say about it if YOU happen to like it. Got a problem with
that? You know everybody's email address.
Backstage, we see Chyna fetching Henry a drink while Sammy takes care of
him. Oh, yeah, Sammy's a man. Oops. RANDOM RANT: A lot of people are under the mistaken impression that I am some sort of journalist. I am not. I ceased to be a journalist when my high school journalism teacher decided that I wasn't liberal enough to have a future in journalism (well, I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, I can see what a bleedin' heart he was and what a Libertarian I was and retroactively put 2 and 2 together). So, even though I'm acquainted with the whole doctrine, I don't simply report, because it would bore me. It would probably bore you too (no, I mean even MORE than it normally does). I am *biased*. I go out of my way to show you my ugly biases EVERY WEEK. STOP bitching about it. I don't mind if you disagree with me, but you have to use a SMIDGEN of intelligence to explain your side to me - you are practically a complete stranger to me, why the FUCK would you insult me out of the blue? I don't insult YOU. So...well, I didn't have a point really, but STOP asking me to quit. I ain't quitting, Rick and Mike don't want me to quit (I think), and there are a hell of a lot more readers out there that LIKE what I'm doing than not. You don't believe me, YOU go take a poll - *I* don't have to. You get this crap every week for FREE (less the microsecond it takes to glance at an incredibly annoying ad banner at the top), you don't have any right to complain, and if it's THAT bad, go find another report to read, or don't miss the shows, or just be patient and wait until the shows come on in your country, but don't bitch to ME because you don't like my style. Have a raspberry. Thbbbbbbbbbbpht.
Whew, I feel better now. Nothing like a page of self-indulgent crap to get things going!
I love you all, you know that.
"Today, here in the United States, we celebrate the life of an
extraordinary man who had a dream - a dream of unity, a dream of peace -
long live the dream." Shot of Martin Luther King Jr. Damn, Vince, that was
classy. What'd *WCW* do for MLK Day? NUTHIN'. Hey Bob Ryder, why don't you
talk about THAT on your crappy website?
Test comes to the ring wearing a "Guns don't kill people - *I* kill people" tank top - must be a Pillman tribute.
Backstage, we see the trainer trying to help Gunn and Gunn weeping like a woman - err, crying like a little girl - err...okay, I'm sexist I guess.
Is this an ad for an ad? Oh, no - it actually looks like an ad for the
WWF's "Halftime Heat" - something to take place during the halftime show at
the Super Bowl, on USA. Well, that's actually a pretty good idea. I wonder
if WCW will scrape something together at the last minute. Maybe Bob Ryder
will give us the lowdown.
Hey Bob Ryder, if the WWF is playing to the kids, what the HELL is an ad
for colouring your grey beard and moustache hair doing on RAW?
Allow me to be the (probably) last Web columnist on Earth to officially proclaim Bob Ryder dumber than a box of rocks. Hey Scherer, if it's not
too late to get the Lariat out of his hands, I'd do it quickly. His wagon
is not the one to be hitching your star on.
"Halftime Heat" promo. Is this like the RAW Bowl?
"I need HEAD! GIVE ME HEAD!" he says to Theodore Long, who must miss carting Ice Train around in matches against Scott Norton.
Chyna goes behind and there's an atomic drop. Brisco sells it like a hot poker up his ass.
Oh Lord, let's not have Patterson's testicles involved in any way.
Patterson comes to and realises his dream as he sees Brisco on top of him.
Or something. Anybody else worried that there'll be a Patterson/Brisco
match during WrestleMania XV? I'm warning you, WWF, I love you like my
older female cousin but don't test me.
If you think my reports aren't long ENOUGH, I encourage you to click on the Evil Satanic Ad Banner from Hell and visit whatever two-bit, fly-by-night operation has stupidly bought advertising space on this site. (Views expressed by this columnist are not necessarily those of and so on)
I think that says it all - hey Undertaker, I got two words for ya - "NIFTY ROBE!"
This, of course, leads to STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN appearing on the TitanTron "via satellite - San Antonio, TX" - hey, Wheel of Fortune booking! Who ELSE is in San Antonio?
"I'm healing damn well, aren't I? Stone Cold - mi casa, su casa." There's a
plug for MIKE! THEY READ MICASA! Austin and Michaels are both drinking Silver
Bullets ("I appear via satellite on live television and you give me LIGHT
beer?")
Okay, Austin needs to stop grinning, and Vince needs to stop gulping like a ham. I probably need to stop bitching, too, but screw that.
Wow, TWO minutes of wrestling in the first half hour! Now that's sports ENTERTAINMENT!
Cole falls over himself to say "I KNEW IT KING I KNEW IT! MICK FOLEY NEVER SAID 'I QUIT!'" Umm, Cole, you *never* said you thought that ONCE until now. Loser.
Hey, where's them Legion of Doom guys I've heard so much about? Where's Paul Ellering for that matter? Where's Rocko? Oh, never mind about that last one...hmm, Rocko, Socko...you ever notice...oh, never mind.
Hey, aren't both teams heels here? I guess the tits factor SHOULD make Hart & Jarrett de facto faces, ja?
Coming up - Val Venis' new flick. Err, that was an unfortunate choice of words.
I hope to GOD this is selling MILLIONS of comic books 'cause it ain't getting any money out of ME.
NOW can I call her a slut? After all, you can't spell SELLOUT without
them four letters!
And from Bob Morris, something to make us ALL think: I noticed something
about the Ministry of Darkness...isn't it amazing how you can compare them
to Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids? Observe...
Mabel = Fat Albert (duh)
Bradshaw = Weird Harold (tall and skinny)
Faarooq = Mush Mouth (can you understand what he says?)
Minion = Dumb Arnold (because he is dumb for doing that skit a few weeks
back}
Paul Bearer = Russell (the short, pudgy member...at least I think that was
his name)
Undertaker = Rudy (the guy who always gets the rest of the gang into all
the stupid stuff we see)
You decide whether the parallels fit or not. Take care.
DISCLAIMER: I'm sick. I WANT to do a good job, but I keep falling
unconscious and stuff.
On the way out, Bossman stops to call the PMS, who HAPPEN to be passing by,
(beep)es. This is the same guy that slobbers all over Debra, mind you.
Now Chyna is playing Mommy, apparently, embracing Shane and making him feel
all better (which she could probably do REAL well, huh huh huh).
Mankind still has the Rock's money - he asks to rent Max Mini. Who's he
asking, the slavemaster? That's racist! Anyway, $487 will get you Max Mini
for three days. Direct all inquiries to Titan Towers.
Via mini-sat from Victoria, Patterson hits on a random Tejan. What's unusual
is that the Tejan in question is female. "You look purtier than a spotted
puppy!" She knees him in the groin, so we've had our brush with Patterson's
testicles for the night (hopefully).
Fairly entertaining match sees the Ministry all over the Brood until the tide
is turned, whereupon the ACOLYTES hit the ring (DQ 2:12) to make sure nothing
resembling wrestling breaks out.
Backstage, Mankind has something for Debra's boobs - a nice sweater. He's
afraid she catch a chest cold, see, and...aw fuck it.
If the words "action adventure" are used by the commentators in a match, it
just might suck.
Final thought (that would have been expanded in great detail had I not
been flu-stricken): Let's say Vince McMahon plans to win over two "action
adventure" fans for every one "wrestling" fan he loses. Sure, it SOUNDS
good in the short term, but in the long term, when you realise that that
one wrestling fan might be ME....and that the short term might be shorter
than any of us thinks... KEEP THE SIGNS AND LETTERS COMING: My newest nominee for Coolest Person on Earth Ever has to be Scott MacArthur, who spent a good portion of camera time at the beginning of last week's RAW in his front row seat on a damn fine "CRZ is GOD" sign - I mean, you could NOT miss it (and I know Scott Keith was trying DAMN hard to) so, I mean, DAMN, is that cool or what? So, to sum it up:
CRZ signs seen in Canada - 1 or 2
CANADA'S THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, BABY! (Pays du Canada le plus grand au monde, bébé!)
Hey, was last night's show NOT an In Your House and no one told me? It was
damn good, and I'm as shocked as you are. It's ALMOST enough to make one
forgive the Royal Rumble....welll.....maybe not.
Still shots from last night's pay-per-view spectacular show BRUTAL action
from the Rock/Mankind Last Man Standing match, in which the last man standing
-- was-- nobody.
Mr. McMahon: "I stand...I stand before you...I stand before you tonight a broken man. I
stand before you tonight...a humble...a humble man. Austin... What do you
want, Blood? Austin, you put twelve stitches in my head...you threw me off
the top of a cage...but I...I want to be a better man. I wanna start all
over. I... I wanna bury the hatchet. I just wanna bury the hatchet. I want
a fresh start. I... I'm just asking you... What's the matter with you
people?"
Mankind: "Hey Vince, even by my standards I feel pretty crappy tonight."
WrestleMania is only *6* weeks away! (Or, if you're Rick Scaia, 5 weeks
and six days)
X-Pac says
he'll be happy to put the title on the line, then put his foot in Shane's
(mute). So tonight, Shane & Kane will take on the two DX'ers and, one would presume,
if X-Pac gets pinned there'll be a new European Champeen - let's hope it
isn't Shane - that would most surely (mute) with th(mute) of (mute)a stick.
Ryan Shamrock & Val Venis neck in the back. Then he probably (mute). Hey, I
could get used to this joke. Reminds me of some other columnist for some
reason...
"We? WE did this? Honey, the last time I checked, this belt only went around
ONE waist - what I'm trying to say is this baby - it's been real, in fact,
it's been good, but it hasn't been real good. Kick it to the curb
sweetheart, because the big Valbowski is on a rocket to the top and there
ain't no more room on this ride for you."
This just in: Gillberg to face Shane for the title of "Who
can piss off workrate freaks the most by holding a belt?" Having said ALL
that, though, I liked this story. It sure beats Austin holding Vince
hostage and Undertaker going for embalming people alive. You know why?
That's right, it took place in a ring and there was "wrestling" involved.
So read into THAT mixed message, baby! I'm CRZ!
BOB HOLLY v. THE VASTLY UNDERRATED STEVE BLACKMAN
KEVIN KELLY brings out SABLE'S BREASTS, who don't even BOTHER to bring out
the Womens' Title.
Hey, I smell a heel turn! Is art imitating life again? (And what does Art
think of all this?)
The Rock: "You can have your chants of Rocky Sucks, but the fact of the matter is this
- is that tonight in front of thousands and thousands of Rock's fans, and the
millions - and millions of the Rock's fans watching live, the Rock will
proceed to climb that ladder rung by damn rung by damn rung, reach up, and
snatch the Rock's WWF title. So Mankind, the Rock has said it before, he'll
say it again, if your fat cellulite ass is feeling salty, then the Rock will be your
tequila, so what the Rock wants you to do is sprinkle some salt on your hand,
take a lick, and take a shot of the Rock, but don't get drunk, or else you'll
wake up with the Rock's foot in your ass and his fist in your mouth if ya
SMEEEEELLLL--what the Rock--is cookin'!!!"
Rock: "Make jokes - the Rock's ass!" then he calls Wight a 500 pound bag of
monkey crap. The Rock is like a living Mad-Lib, you know.
Rock says a lot of stuff and I swear the crowd knows about every third word
he's gonna say and chants along. Did the WWF become the Rocky Horror Picture
Show when I wasn't looking?
Jerry Lawler: "I gotta apologise for Michael Cole, all he can think about is wrestling!"
I LOVE punches.
Hey you know when Luna isn't trying to hard to growl in a gravely fashion,
she ALMOST has a Jennifer Tilly-esque quality about her...wait, did I think
that or say it?
Screw that, I'll take Blackman ANY day! Yeah! Steve Blackman RULES! I
guess I
should have called em "nunchuks" like Cole. Oh well.
If they show ONE more anti-smoking ad, I'm gonna start smoking, I swear.
They're making it look so COOL.
(As a joke, I split my report into eleven pieces one week.) Joel Geraghty sums it up: Why are they slicing up your reports on
Wrestlemaniacs.com? I hate this, now I have to stay online to read the whole
thing, thusly tying up my phone line. There's probably some really hot chick
trying to call me but NOOOOOOO I HAVE TO STAY ONLINE TO READ CRZ'S WHOLE
REPORT. ASDFNSAG. Sometimes I think people send me mail solely to get it printed at the top of this column. Look at this one: Chris, .Your little sophmoric remarks about wcw make you look (and sound) like an idiot. news flash, wrestling is fake so dont act like a retard when the announcers pretend they dont know something, really dude, its fake it will be alright. Just to let you know I think your litle 2 bit column is for children, although the profanity really adds alot to it, can you say moron?
I'm BUSH LEAGUE, BABY! And that's the way I like it! Corporate
journalism is for SUCKERS! Keep me independent until I DIE! Oh, and if
you HATE this column...THANKS for coming back to read it ONE MORE WEEK!
Hey, how come Shawn Michaels ALWAYS wins? I'm so glad there isn't anybody
like that headlining the WWF THESE days...er....wait a minute...
Hey, there's the Mankind Chef Boyardee ad. "BEEFY!" That's pretty funny! I
hope I see it a MILLION times!
"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to RAW is WAR good ol' J.R., JIM
ROSS!" You can tell he's been working hard on the voice - only the b's are
giving him problems, which is too bad because he has to say "Butterbean,"
"BrawlFORall," and "BART GUNN" before too long.
Remember a guy by the name of Dr. Death Steve Williams? The guy that you
told everybody was my BOY? J.R.'s BOY? You told everybody that you
humiliated J.R. You embarrassed J.R. In twenty damn years in the business,
Bart, twenty years in the business, you tried to take away from me with your
ridicule - listen - LOOK AT ME IN THE FACE WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU
I guess the Ross heel turn is back on, two years later. Wow.
Owen reminds us he's not a nugget, by way of encouraging a "Nuh-git" chant.
Do you ever get the feeling that Ivory would just crumble to dust if she
were somehow separated from that scarf?
Bell time is 1730 and I'm always willing to be comped, in return for which I
offer to sing the national anthem. (In the WWF, that's like saying "please
send Kane out to chokeslam me halfway through.")
That's it, I'm starting smoking RIGHT NOW. I HAAAAAATE that ad. It'll be
MY way of sticking it to the Man! Of course, if Philip Morris PAYS for
the ad, am I really just playing right into their hands? Oh, my head
hurts. Maybe I'll just have some caffeine instead.
"Go to rehab, and when you come out we'll have your own T-shirt made for
you!" Well, maybe that's not EXACTLY what they said. Actually, they only
said James was out with "an injury," so that's the story.
Oops, Terry Taylor said the verboten words "Hunter Hearst Helmsley!" He's
fined! That man's name is TRIPLE H, God DAMN it!
Rock does his Bischoff impression by mouthing along what Grunge is saying.
while Terri takes a headset to remind us that you shouldn't screw with PMS
'cause it's all messy - err, I think I took some liberties with that
statement
PAUL (fight for your) WIGHT makes his way to the ring.
Mankind asks Austin to lay down for him so he can become the special guest
referee. Austin says he doesn't CARE who the special guest referee(s) are
and no way. Mankind says if he changes his mind, to just give him a little
signal.
WHAT'S HIS NAME - YOU KNOW, THAT GUY - I CAN'T REMEMBER WHO IT IS RIGHT NOW,
BUT HE SURE LOOKS FAMILIAR - I'M FEELING DEJA VU HERE - OH WAIT, THAT'S D'LO
BROWN! v. OWEN HART
Hart does a nasty blade job to boot, just to give a little "fuck you" to
WCW, probably.
Undertaker sends the Ministry out to find Bossman. Acolytes go one way,
Viscera & Mideon another, Brood a third, Velma off with Shaggy and Scooby,
and Fred gets Daphne. Fred ALWAYS gets Daphne.
Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Beef Ravioli ad features Mankind and still makes
me laugh. BEEFY!
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Napa auto parts - car parts for the 2-14
crowd, Propecia (to fight male pattern baldness in the 2-14 crowd) and
Castrol motor oil, for cars driven by the 2-14 crowd!
Hardcore Holly - I thought that was a porn star - anyway, he's got new music
and a new first name.
Whoa, Wight took his shirt off and he didn't look (as) fat!
"Who was the guy who worked overtime - we looked at tapes and we got you all
ready to go to do your work on television, who did that?" "You, did JR..."
"Absolutely. And what thanks did I get for it, Michael? You've got the
little mousse on your hair, and your little narrow ass - you're a pretty boy
you went to the executive producer, you went to everybody and said 'well,
you know ol' JR is never gonna be back - look at his face! Hell, old JR
would scare small children and animals
"Well, I'll tell you what McMahon has screwed me on many occasions and
you're just gonna do what he says - what, Red Rooster gonna get a little
cocky? You gonna peck me to death? ... The Red Rooster is gonna replace Jim
Ross doing play-by-play, that's the most ridiculous thing that I've ever
heard."
This is probably pretty poor taste but while I was watching Ross I kept
thinking about that one guy on the Trinity Broadcasting Network - you know
the one if you've seen him before, yeah. They kinda look...no, never mind.
Sorry. Don't you be laughing! Shame on you!
GODFATHER (with four - no, two - ho's) v. THE GREATEST SPORTS ENTERTAINER ON
THE PLANET, STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - isn't this considered a
face on face matchup? Who do you root for? Blackman, of course!
Blackman studies the fine female forms 'fore him. Blackman, who is as smart
as he is athletic, says he wants both of 'em. "Well, listen up Super Stud,
if you want 'em both, ya got both of 'em for the whole night!" I think this
is the biggest ovation Blackman ever received -
Hey, guess what? Remember how that embalming and that whole "cuttin' up
people and drinkin' blood" shit was stinking up RAW? Do you notice how this
week they managed to do NONE of that? Do you notice that the whole Ministry
angle is about kicking ass now?
Hey, guess what? Remember how that embalming and that whole "cuttin' up
people and drinkin' blood" shit was stinking up RAW? Do you notice how
this week they managed to do NONE of that? Do you notice that the whole
Ministry angle is about kicking ass now? Well, I do. 'cause I kinda like
all this now. Three or four good ass-kickings can cancel out one teddy
bear on fire in the long run. Quote me!
I GET LETTERS: Nigel Kay knows what time it is:
During one of Owen's matches, the Blue Blazer ran-in, beat up Owen, he took
off his mask and lo and behold it was Blackman who suddenly gave this bright
smile to the crowd. It that one moment, I saw a man who previously would
only wear a mask of stern fury and frowning despair, suddenly find brief
solace in this bleak world of sports entertainment, getting the upper hand
over the heel, if only for a brief instant. It was then and there that I
knew Steve Blackman's courage was only eclipsed by the warmth of his heart.
Yes, all was right with the world. It made me feel fuzzy all over.
Rock reminds the crowd that this isn't "sing along with the Champ" which is
still funny.
Mr. McMahone: "I think maybe this 'Rock' stuff has gone to your head. What you need is a
reality check, DWAYNE. After all I've done for you, this is what I get back?"
Lawler duly makes fun of the fact that "IC Champ of the World" makes no
sense despite the fact that the crowd can chant along with it.
The Krispy M&M's slam of the week is Dr. Death DEMOLISHING a JR-imitatin'
fan
JR removes the wraps - it IS a third commentary table - but instead of the
WWF logo, it's a "JR" logo. "JR is RAW" is on the side of the table. The
crowd cheers. As my Mini Page might say, that's Mighty Funny!
Vince tells Shane that the cops won't go because they're CONVINCED it's a
publicity stunt - after all, they're watching it on TV! I love this.
Cole: "I have a big cowboy hat in my face and I can't see a damn thing--"
Ross: "You're gonna have a cowboy boot in your ass if you d on't shut up."
Mean streets of Greenwich promo. The enigmatic Willie Green is finally seen
speaking - although he's shrouded in shadows unlike Rodney and (not seen
this week) Pete Gas. Anybody smell a debut for Willie Green as a wrestler
down the road?
We pull back on the shot of Vince's home to see a flaming Undertaker symbol
on the lawn. Wow, it's a good thing that ISN'T a cross!
I wonder if those cops are still watching TV...
Kane removes his mask - holy shit - it's THE UNDERTAKER! I didn't see THAT
coming. Undertaker grabs McMahon and the lights go out. "It's just that
simple - anytime, anywhere."
AFTER THE FACT: I have been told that Dave Tobener's "CRZ RULES" sign DID
make it on camera tonight. I'm too tired to go back and look for it, but
thanks VERY much, Dave. You're the wind beneath my wings, or something.
Ha! Also, a big thank you to Wendy Wyatt and her sister for reprazentin'
(as my "homeyz" would say) the CRZ posse at Heat last night, even if I
didn't see THAT sign either - I know SOMEBODY did if it was there. I take
back everything I ever said about Bakersfield, even if most of it IS true. I GET LETTERS: I've never e-mailed you before, so this is a first. Last night while I was working out in the gym, Ahmed Johnson was working out. Harlem Heat work out at the gym down the street when in town. By the way, I'm from Houston. Anyway, back to my story. He is very out of shape. His arms are huge. However, his waist is more huge. Damn, he has an enormous gut. He's just plain fat. He doesn't exactly look he used to. Anyway, my story has no real point besides telling you that Ahmed Johnson, Tony something or other, is really fat.
Later, THIS is the hard hitting news that the fans DEMAND! Thanks, Steve!
This just in: Tony Norris is really fat. HA! Scooped Mike for once!
YUH GUHN DUHN! YUH GUHN DUHN! C'mon, everybody chant with me! YUH GUHN
DUHN!
Clip of Steve Austin - WALKING! outside the building - he walks by a Coors
Light truck (I walk all the way to the arena and you give me LIGHT beer?)
Rock gives a "smellllllll what the Rock is cooking," adding a little tongue
waggle action to his "L."
Before too long, I hear glass - and Stone Cold is DRIVING THE SILVER BULLET
TRUCK INTO THE ARENA - tipping the TitanTron in the process and running over
the WWF logo in the entranceway.
Austin says they're going to share a pre-match beer. Austin's got a hose - a
hose full of beer? He douses the ring, Rock, Shane, and especially Vince
(and apparently himself, too!) Vince does the humourous pratfalls we all
know and love, and if it IS a toupee I can't tell. Eh.
this is the BIGGEST RAW IN HISTORY accoring to Michael Schiavone.
Backstage, Wight wreaks havoc on random props. He's so unhappy. Aww, c'mere
ya big lug. Give us a hug.
By the way, WrestleMania was good - but "good" in the context of
WrestleMania ain't good enough for me. I want "special," dammit! Oh,
wait, I'm just LOOKING for a reason to complain, aren't I. Still, Rick's
a little TOO giddy in my opinion, well, good for him I guess. If I didn't
work Sunday nights, I'd probably drink a lot and enjoy it a lot more, too.
I mean, not that Rick...oh never mind. Hey Rick, I LOVE YOU MAN!
I hear glass, time for the ass - STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out and posing
at all four corners - dropping the belt once (what, is he drunk ALREADY?)
but managing to avoid injuring his knee.
Speaking of which, here's ten breasts in twenty seconds - Ivory, Tori,
Jacqueline, Terri, and Sable! And they're all WALKING!
And here's some more breasts! Ewww, Paul Bearer's!
"No, child - don't be scared - I came out here to see what you got." Sable
kinda warms up to this and starts le Grind again - Undertaker grabs her by
the throat. YEAH! KILL HER! Oops.
"Vince - it is true, isn't it. She really is sugar and spice and everything
nice, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...." unfortunately, this is one of those MAGIC
phones that Vince and you and I can here, but Shane can't.
1, 2, 3. (2:50) Is it too early for me to give up on the Legion of Doom? Ha!
".nah, you know what, piss on that because as far as the Rock is concerned,
there ain't nobody, and the Rock means - " Crowd: "Nobody!" Rock: "Don't do
that.
Opening Credits - closed captioning symbol ironically belies the fact that
the lyrics don't come across on the screen - oh, you're tired of me making
lyric jokes? Pucker up! RAW IS WAR IS HO EN YA HUH!
From the Nassau Colesium in Uniondale, Long Island, NY, it's RAW IS WAR
for 5.4.99 (taped 30.3) en espanol donde sea disponible! And lest we
forget, the Rock still has possession of the "Smokin' Skull" belt (and the
WWF Style sheet says you WILL refer to it as such, dammit).
I'm REALLY confused. This interview - they're not talking, they're
running around doing wrestling moves and - my God, it's an actual MATCH to
START the show!
Owen's got some "OH" tights in the Jarrett style - the problem is, if you're
checking out his rump (and I admit it's not something *I'd* do, but) it
reads "HO."
X-Pac, Owen, and the "Nugget" chant start.
That's one loud chant.
Cole: "Kane is on fire!" Ewww, that's TASTELESS.
Sable appears on Happy Hour - NEXT! Get Happy! Too bad she's sitting
next to Lisa Loeb - I might forget which one of them is supposed to be the
sex symbol.
DAMN softball! Damn softball to hell!
"Wight...you've got a whole lot of fat, hairy, dimpled ass
for us to kick."
Rock starts a "Rocky" chant and it fails to develop into a "Rocky sucks"
chant - I think they overestimated crowd intelligence.
BONG....BONG...the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES appears at the top of the
ramp.
"Hey, sound guy! Hey, lights guy! Don't DO ANYTHING when he comes out!
THAT'LL show him!" Oops, I hope I'm not giving anything away here.
You know this is a big deal 'cause Lawler's breaking into his
"I'm not kayfabin' you" voice.
Hey, Stephanie's a hell of an actress - I know everybody else has already
said it but I'll say it too - once.
Here's JIM ROSS & DR. DEATH and Williams is snapping everyone's neck in
sight with them cool souffles.
This must be serious - Edge isn't smiling!
Was THAT the entire segment? Geez, this is as bad as Nitro!
Sable - Happy Hour - next - whatever
When Dogg says this is the "Dogg house," you can almost hear Rick
Steiner going "hey! That's MY line! Don't start barking!"
Thank God the Outlaws are back together so I can hear that FABULOUS ring
introduction!
Gee whiz, you mean those hep bondage cats don't ENJOY getting flogged?
Yank yank yank - Gunn's not that kinda guy is he?
Rear chinlock as the commentary team continues to sell the Undertaker story
for the more clueless among us, I guess.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, where Ken Shamrock went on a Quest,
wrestled Gangrel, got a bloodbath, tortured Christian, found the
basement,found Stephanie, and forever received Vince McMahon's gratefulness.
KING KEN SHAMROCK v. VISCERA (no entrance) - hey, I saw this match on the
6th of July - do I have to see it again?
Was there another Happy Hour ad in here? I'm tired of noting them. USA is
ANNOYING me.
VAL VENIS v. MANKIND - Val gets the mic and tells us his dick is really
big, or something.
As we see Vince, Stephanie and the eight cops, the lights *eerily* flicker -
ooohhh...
The United States Coast Guard (c'mon the Coast Guard is COOL!) Rescue of the
Week is Meanie's belt shot on Road Dogg to secure the Intercontinental title
for Goldust - thus rescuing - the belt?
We take a peek at the Ministry backstage - how are they gonna get
Stephanie with those eight cops? You mean there are NINE of them?
Hmmm... I'd like to see them on Hollywood Squares...
The really skanky ho does a Luger-esque pec flex, which looks a little more
interesting than when Luger does it (but not as interesting as when NORMAN
SMILEY does it).
Why does his vest say "Hompin' ain't easy?" Is that like a MADE UP word?
Goldust is Meanie's mommy, you know.
They never DID tell me what the insignia on Goldust's butt
cheek signified.
Happy Hour is NEXT! That's it, I'm not watching it. I don't care HOW
skimpy them dancers' outfits are!
It bears repeating - lose the accompanying chant if you're gonna play
Undertaker's music.
Undertaker lets loose with a little "Dragonslayer" scat as Ryan is
raised into the air.
Weird seeing an Iditarod ad and KNOWING Paul Ellering isn't competing.
I forgot to mention last week Rock's showing off his boobies again, so I
guess it wasn't as important to me as I thought.
Ahh, the intricate mind games between the unthinking WWF fans and Pepsi.
Wight has new music, which has lyrics,
which I can not make up. "Well, well it's the Big Show / Yes it's a big
bad show tonight / Yeah, it's the Big Show / He's a REAAAL MAN'S MAN /
Well / and so on" Umm, what the hell was wrong with his old music? "Well,
it's the Big Show." God damn, I'm laughing at THAT. I need ME some theme
music like that. "Well, it's CRZ / His initials are CRZ / Well, well,
it's CRZ / the letters stand for CRZ / do you know what I'm saying / I'm
talking about CRZ (and I can dig it!)"
Wight gives the "bring it on" hand motion, H gets in some licks, but
coming off the ropes, Wight hits the giant (ahem) back bodydrop. It even
gets it's own Castrol GTX Double Feature (because they're worried he won't
do anything not a headbutt tonight) - another headbutt.
Tag to the Rock, who punches away but - wait for it - is stopped with a
headbutt.
Corporate elbow BECAUSE THE FANS DEMAND IT.
Oh, please. This is kinda lame, you know.
I hope this doesn't mean a new set next week and a new Star of David logo!
Hey, I think I'm offended! I got laid ... once. It was pretty good, too -
there wasn't even sympathy involved!
"No Chance in Hell" is sure one annoying song - which,
by now, is THE POINT, I suppose.
"Dad, where are the balls the size of grapefruits? That's what I want to
know."
Let me get out my scorecard here - okay...Mr. McMahon replaced with Vince,
check - face turn progressing nicely. Shamrock on the outs, face turn in
effect, check. Patterson & Brisco written out (apparently) for Rodney and
Pete "Gas." Hmm, we'll see how that works...I'm ambivalent for the
moment. Anything else? No Undertaker or Austin in the opening gambit,
except by allusion. This story? I'm digging it! Now, to avoid bias,
I'll note: THIS ISN'T WRESTLING! Whew, glad I got that out of the way.
(THE LOVELY) SABLE (with Nicole Bass) v. TORI v. IVORY (with stupid scarf)
v. JACQUELINE (with Terri Runnels) in a Four Corners match for the Women's
World Championship - remember when "Amazon" was a word reserved for Chyna?
Bass: "You got a proooooblem?" How can I best answer that?
Backstage, there's Stone Cold Steve Austin - and he's - he's - WALKING!
That belt's coming back, that's the bottom line, 'cause yadda
yadda yadda. Then he pops a cold beer - cooooold beer - coooooold beer -
cooooold beer.
PAUL WIGHT (LION) v. ? - "Well, it's the Big Show / It's a Big Big Show
tonight..." I'm still laughing.
First match at 42:42 into the show!
"Well, it's a squaaash show - it's a big big squaaash" Replay of damn near
the entire match.
Gunn tells us to suck it, Venis says his dick is big. Might this
be an ACTUAL match tonight?
Crowd couldn't care less about all this wrestling stuff.
Rodney and Pete "Gas" do a little spiel then storm the Boiler Room... I
bet after this ad break we find out how they did.
Austin (and D'Lo) for 1-800-COLLECT - why would they be talkin' on the
phone some night, anyway? And with all the money Austin makes, why
WOULDN'T he let Brown call him collect? Ha!
The Ministry attacks, black ninja style (one at a time so it doesn't work)
and Shamrock has no problems with them.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where Shamrock shows what you're
SUPPOSED to do with a baseball bat - crack up some skulls, not point it at
a video screen - oops
This ALMOST resembles some WRESTLING tonight!
Ross: "Even the Undertaker's fans can't condone what he's doing now!"
Translation: "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL CHEERING THIS GUY? ARE YOU DAFT?
BOO THIS GUY ALREADY! HE'S A
BAD GUY NOW! GOD DAMMIT, DO WHAT WE SAY!" Sorry, got carried away there.
"People say I've lost touch with reality. Well I just want you to know
that I am who I am. And the reality is, tonight you become one with my
Ministry, but before that can happen, you must suffer. You must feel
unimaginable pain. So Kenny - rest gently my friend. It's going to be a
long, long night - hahahahahahahahaha"
X-PAC & THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. TRIPLE H & TEST (with
That Slut Chyna) for the tag team championship - If we time this just
right, the entrances will take longer than the match!
Rock takes Austin to the bridge, OVER the bridge, says some stuff that's
bleeped (TAPE! TAPE!), and lets him FALL to the river below! (Or so the
editing would have you believe.)
Well, it ain't wrestling - but damned if I still enjoyed it anyway. But
that's just me.
One Year Ago, Steve Blackman appeared in the main event, and had his
unbeaten streak broken at the hands of Dude Love thanks to a DEVASTATING
abdominal stretch - and the fact that Mr. McMahon called for the bell.
Opening credits - RAW IS WAR'S A MORN IN YOUR BAR!
THE ROCK drives a hearse into the arena (ohh, so THAT'S why the ramp isn't
there!) - we see a gravesite, complete with funeral wreaths and Austin
photo. Rock's gonna bury his dead monkey ass - has Undertaker been
alerted that someone's stealing his gimmick?
There's probably some other stuff I'm missing here but I keep
humming "Six Feet Deep" in my head. GETO BOYS BAY-BEE! I'll say this: at
least it was a SHORT interview.
We gaze outside, where Austin will hopefully arrive later in the show.
How's that work? "Hey Steve, go ahead and show up whenever you want
tonight. We don't care. In fact, if you want to wait until, say, 10:55,
that'd be GREAT!"
This sets off Lawler into a frenzy the likes of which we've never seen -
automatically qualifying it as the single most annoying performance in the
history of our great sport.
Shut the FUCK up, Lawler.
Lawler is a great big ass.
Ross calls him a buzzkiller. I wish he'd kill Lawler while he's at it. Oh
sorry.
During the Break footage shows the Acolytes trying to explain what
happened, Undertaker saying it doesn't matter - and Viscera taking out
Faarooq (this black on black crime's gotta stop!) while Undertaker attacks
the already damaged ribs of Bradshaw. Geez, Undertaker's down to - what,
two guys?
GODFATHER (with eight - no, four ho's) v. HARDCORE HOLLY for the
Intercontinental Championship - Lawler can NOT suck enough tonight - is he
channeling Schiavone if he were a superlech? Aaaaaagh.
Anyway, braless ho's probably ARE good for ratings but it won't make the
Workrate fans
happy, I'm thinking.
Cookie sheet shot! Again, again! And one more. And there's another.
Holly's none too technical tonight.
"My, what big tassles we have!" says the nice lady shining the Rock's
shoes. Somehow we talk a bit about Austin in here. O-kay.
Shamrock shouts to signify that he's either "snapped" or "in the zone."
RODNEY & PETE "GAS" join the commentary team - this will most surely suck.
I mean, oh boy, Rodney & Pete "Gas!" The Mean Street Posse! Hooray!
Oh yeah, Triple H uses "No Chance in Hell" 'cause I went a whole HOUR
without hearing it and that won't do.
This sure feels like an awful lot of wrestling for the WWF, doesn't it?
They keep saying "beefy and juicy" even though those raviolis, to my
knowledge, have never been characterised as "juicy."
For the first time, somebody reminded us that Triple H is from Greenwich!
Must have been an accident.
I recommend castration for Lawler if he's going to continue with this gig.
If Lawler says "puppies" one more time I hole up in a clock tower.
Then, and this is REALLY weird, Dogg starts SINGING! "Spending my days
workin' hard on the go / 'Cause the hands on the clock keep spinnin' too
slow / I can't wait to be alone with my baby tonight..." Well, okay, no he
doesn't really. I just wanted to see if
you were paying attention.
The Nestle's Crunch Slam of the Week is the big Showkeslam on Christian
from last week's Big Show - err
This is a DREAM MATCH! What a pleasure to call this kinda of action -
they're - they're
LOOKING at each other!
Lockup, to the corner, chop by Show, again, (woooo!), whip into the opposite
corner, Viscera puts up an elbow, clothesline, right, right, right,
shoulder drive, again, I would describe these blows as "deliberate."
This is the GREATEST MATCH I'VE EVER CALLED!
You know, maybe there's too MUCH wrestling on RAW tonight - I
don't know. Let's ask Herb.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and a Very Special Video Look at Shane
using Stephanie as Bait to Bring Vince out So He Can Berate Him and Become
Drunk With Power while Vince Tries to Turn Face
So who's after Ryan Shamrock anyway?
VAL VENIS is out to tell us how hard his dick is. Lawler: "They sure love
him!" Ross: "Every inch of him!" Before his opponent comes out, here's
SABLE'S BREASTS, followed closely by (THE LOVELY) SABLE.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and "the Barrage on the Bridge" and it
took me three times to see the post production "black dot" covering up the
(floating?) dummy
after the splash, so nice job there, WWF.
We cut backstage to see the 3:16 Monster Truck and there's STONE
COLD STEVE AUSTIN - he walks over to the Rock's brand-new car and after a
polite conversation with the attendant, he lifts the car - anybody else
know where this is going?
Austin drives the truck into the arena (did they just raise the Titantron?)
and pops open a cold Silver Bullet (I destroy a forty thousand dollar car
and you give me LIGHT beer?)
Hey, look, the Undertaker is abducting Stephanie McMahon in a limo shot that
still has Scaia fuming!
THE ROCK walks to the ring to open up tonight's cavalcade of interviews as
Ross expresses his great concern for the McMahon family - as Stephanie
hasn't been seen since last night (what, did that CAMERA IN THE LIMO
suddenly stop working? Ha ha!)
SHANE'S AN IDIOT!
The Three Musketeers await the Call, and Vince - EMOTES.
This is as good as a squash, which must mean THIS MATCH IS THE PRETZELS!
Here's a shot of the Three Musketeers. The phone rings - and we quickly
zoom in on Vince. Then we quickly cut to an ad break before I can roll my
eyes - oops, not quick enough, guys!
Ross and Cornette act like they've seen the bit we've just seen - something
that a certain OTHER set of commentators may wish to learn from, hint hint.
From last night's Backlash - the Rock takes a camera and - I don't know, did
you think that
spot was REALLY cool or just plain lame? I bet your answer reflects your
opinion of Halftime Heat, too...
VAL VENIS v. D'LO BROWN (with Ivory and that fucking scarf) - Let Us Take
you back to last night's Heat where Nicole Bass said "I want your slide
trombone in my brass section" and ... well I know there's a joke here but
for some reason it's escaping me.
Backstage, Austin is WALKING! There's the Big Show! "What the hell are
you looking at?" "Hey man, it's the guy's DAUGHTER." "I don't give a
rat's ass WHO it is!" Anybody else wonder if maybe - just MAYBE...
D'Lo and Steve shill 1-800-COLLECT. I hope I see this two times NEXT
hour, too!
H catches him and throws him awkwardly by the knee. Gunn sells it enough
to let you know it's part of the story.
God KNOWS why they feel the need to advance THIS kind of story as all the
workrate fanatics gave up on this show a year ago!
Why does Ross keep calling him "Mister Ass?" Is this guy losing HIS name as
well?
Stone Cold walks by a monitor, sees Vince standing there (hey! Wrestlers
aren't supposed to WATCH TELEVISION!) and walks off, spittin' tebacky
juice in his cup. Here's a Special Look at Stone Cold Steve Austin - the Rattlesnake! And, hell yeah, you can buy this special "rattlesnake" shit for only $25 plus shipping and handling...
Whoops, I just realised I mistyped "shirt" up there. Sorry.
That was the WHOLE segment? What is this, WCW?
Jarrett attacks before the bell, natch, but Godfather quickly comes back as
Ross tells us (not in so many words) that it's all just a character and stop
taking it so
seriously, you knuckleheads.
Why is Sexual Chocolate's theme playing in the background? What's his name
anyway?
Who cares?
Bearer holds a copy of "Some homemade other-worldly language title here" and
everybody walks by as Ross says "They're coming out here!"
Austin/Brown for 1-800-COLLECT #4. Whew, glad I don't have to see THAT
the rest of the night. Oh wait, this isn't on Nitro is it? Ha! The USA Update is fifteen minutes early this week! How odd!
After a bit of this, the lights go out and that familiar music plays - ummm,
you'd think he'd move a BIT faster to help out his tag team partner here.
Ross tries to get the story over but...well, if he has to try THAT hard,
perhaps...eh what do I know.
Ross tells us how heinous the Undertaker is and how he can't possibly be an
Undertaker fan anymore (and how come YOU are? You callous, heartless fan
for disbelieving what we ask of you!).
Undertaker gets the mic. I'm in real fear this will soundly suck, let's all
listen together.
If it matters, the book's title is "Ministerium et Acerbus" which until I'm
told
otherwise (and I hope you can restrain yourslef) is "Ministry of Darkness"
in one of the languages I don't speak.
And is it WRESTLING, anyway?
Does it even matter anymore?
Also at Backlash, the Undertaker kidnapped Stephanie (and a cameraman). At Monday, lots of fun stuff happened with Vince, the Undertaker, Stephanie, Paul Bearer, and then Steve Austin. If you hear the term "black wedding," take a drink!
NICOLE BASS is out as you might expect, and Val takes off, as you might expect. Bass follows. What you might NOT expect is that after all this, GODFATHER makes his way to the ring, leaving behind his four - no, two ho's. He actually approaches jogging!
"Well, Blue
Blazer, it's been a while since we've seen you here in the WWF. To what
do we owe the honour?" "Well, Kevin, it's quite simple. The Blue Blazer
is back in the WWF because the WWF NEEDS the Blue Blazer back." "Needed
for what, Owen?" "Owen? I'm not Owen - where is Owen, I'm lookin' for
Owen Hart too! Where is he? Anyway, the conditions here in the WWF have
become deplorable! There's - there's too much...............CLEAVAGE!
And that, that...Val...I can't even say his last name but you know what it
rhymes with - I can't even say it, but he's deplorable - everything is
deplorable here in the WWF." "But WHY you?" "Why me? Because the WWF
NEEDS a superhero like the Blue Blazer! One that can protect good from
evil! And one last thing in closing, to all my little Blue Blazer - take
your vitamins, say your prayers, and drink your milk! Wooooooo!"
WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW v. TEST - you know, I could SWEAR I've seen this match like a MILLION times already.
Replays of the dropkick (judicious camera angle is from BELOW the apron) and chokeslam - hey, that's like every wrestling move in this match, Herb!
Out comes the CORPORATION - out comes the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES - and if you can't figure out what it means to see all those people standing together, you haven't been paying attention to the past month or so of WWF television. "Austin - Rock - let me be the first to introduce you to the Corporate Ministry! And you guys better get it together and change your strategy!" Cole: "OH MY GOD!" Me: "Oh, come ON, Cole."
Let's watch Sable go Hollywood! Why? Ummm....because she's there, I guess. This also is supposed to keep you from noticing she's not been in the arena lately....Pac Blue, Happy Hour, Extra, Regis, ET, TV Guide, Playboy, etc. Is it overkill yet? NEVER!
In the back, Gunn and Dogg do so much arguing that uberofficials Hebner, Garea and Slaughter have to break it up! Damn, Slaughter, no matter how long it gets in the back, it ain't comin' back on top, you know?
Gangrel says a bunch of confusing stuff, but the gist is Undertaker held them back but no more. They search for ... ah hell, that man makes no sense at all. What happened to his cool Vampire accent? Christian says ... nothing. Edge says some stuff (Edge speaks!) but I can't get past that smile, those TEETH. They're the unholy trio, you know. Edge does a Captain Planet impersonation, then goes on to say that they "will become what we will become." That's DEEP, MAN. Oh, and the freaks come out at night, hahahahaha. What determines if a wrestling match is good or bad??? I still believe that it is fake!!!! Oh yeah but I keep forgetting you are a so called internet reporter so you have to write something!!!! Your reports about monday night wrestling would be a lot better if you would stop trying to be funny and sarcastic!!!!!!
He's right!!!! I better get right on that!!!! Because I am a so called
internet reporter so I have to write something!!!! I need to stop
trying to be so funny and sarcastic!!!! Don't you agree???? But what do you
mean wrestling is fake????
Opening credits - closed captioned logo - RAW IS WAR'S A PORN TO BOB RY! (der)
Austin vs. Brown - winner calls collect!
Gunn makes the "ooh, my ass sizzles when I lick my finger and touch it"
motion.
Brisco with fists o' fury while Patterson prefers kick to the nuts (Make
your own joke here)
Kick to the gut - STONE COLD STUNNER! Vince barks at him - then
covers! 1, 2, 3!! (1:48 bell-to-bell) The roof blows off the joint.
Damn, that was pretty cool, wasn't it? Oh sorry. I mean, "that sucked
and it wasn't wrestling." Don't burn my workrate membership card,
PLEEEEEEEEEASE.
Faarooq thrown through the ropes, Mankind follows - let's hope he does
better than cotton candy - oh boy, a box full of plastic peanuts!
KING KEN SHAMROCK v. TRIPLE H (with that Referee Chyna) - Chyna points
to the stripes as if to say "Hey, look, I'm wearing stripes." Shamrock
won't let Chyna check him out. Lawler: "I think all referees should dress
like that!" Ross: "I wouldn't want to see Teddy Long in those shorts." Oh yeah, *NEVER* fly America West. EVER. EVER. Okay. America West SUCKS. Have I hammered this point home?
THE WORST AIRLINE IN AMERICA. AMERICA FUCKING WEST.
A couple people looked at me funny on the 1 train one night - I *almost*
wondered if maybe I'd been recognised. Then I realised that they were
just a couple of New Yawkers that had LOST THEIR MINDS and were staring
at me for no apparent reason. I'm used to a different type of insanity
over here in Silicon Valley and wasn't on that wavelength. Or maybe they
just liked my hair - I don't know. There was also a point to my bringing
THIS up, but it also completely escapes me.
I've blown off a few hundred emails - I'd feel bad about this, but I
TOLD you I wasn't gonna be around and you wrote me anyway. Please don't take
it personally if you were DYING for a response and didn't get one - you
can write again if you want, but it's possible I'll make fun of you and
tell you to get a life. Then you can turn on me and say something
clever like "Pot, kettle, black." Gay fun will be had by all!
Right about now, Rick's seriously reconsidering his promise to never
edit for content
Exterior of the Orlando Arena - Interior of special guest MONICA SELES.
I'd like to get into the interior of Monica Seles - oh sorry
Big Show kinda does a "yeah aahchokeslam okay" hand motion which is
hilarious in it's halfheartedness.
Here's some clips from "Nash Bridges," the season finale of which airs
Friday - oh by the way, Steve Austin is your special guest star. Looks
like lots of fight scenes (more action than RAW? You decide)
(THE LOVELY) SABLE (with Nicole Bass) v. DE-BRA in an Evening Gown match
for the World Women's Title - Ummm, I HARDLY think Sable's wearing a
"gown." By the way, these two aren't wrestlers and I'm OUTRAGED that
this is a title match. Now, let's see some tits!
I'm thinking that sometimes it's NOT a good idea to let
'em swing freely - in particular, for that one ho.
Brisco does a Flair-esque WOOOO just to remind us how old he is. I
leave it to you to decide who "he" refers to in the previous sentence.
Hebner talks over AARP benefits with Debra
Patterson and Brisco commence to furniture moving - barricading
the door. Oh NO, they're keeping that nice cameraman from escaping! Listen to Ross say "Smooth technical style" when referring to Triple H - and keep a straight face! Hey, SHAME on you if you thought there was a Bells Palsy joke in that last paragraph! What's WRONG with you people? RAW 17.5.99 Lawler proclaims Meat "hard to beat," then goes on about his feet. Lawler - me he can eat, his commentary is far from elite, nor is it neat, in his mush I'd like to bury a cleat, his ass my foot prepare to greet, wheee rhyming IS fun. RAW 17.5.99 UNDERTAKER v. ROCK in a Very Rare Casket Match - as opposed to a medium rare casket match, I suppose. RAW 17.5.99
Cleavage vignette. Here, I'll transcribe this for once, but I STILL
won't like it! "Gosh, Mom, your flapjacks look great!" "Oh, honey. *Gasp!*
Oh no, my little hairy Beaver's all wet! Let me get that for you. That's
better, now we have a dry clean hairy beaver." "Thanks, Mom! Nobody
likes a sloppy Beaver!" Or maybe it's "Harry Beaver." Oh, who cares.
I mean, *snigger snigger* the WWF Brain Trust has DONE IT AGAIN! GENIUS!
BRILLIANCE! It works on SO MANY LEVELS. Awww, fuck it.
In Memory of
fade to black.
The Beav comes out in black'n'white filmovision. Beav thinks
Christian's a hippy! Some people think that about ME, too.
Christian scales the turnbuckles but Cleavage crotches him. Superplex?
No, Christian shoves him off and then hits a - frog elbowdrop? Frogs
don't HAVE elbows!
Godfather spells Ho "HOE" so maybe he's really a gardener!
Hey, anybody remember that Sable woman? Whatever happened to her?
Shamrock with the DDT, which Venis is contractually obligated to
oversell once a match.
Bass apologises profusely and promises it won't happen again. Venis says
it's okay baby, "you can make it up to me ... right now." Ahhh.
Fortunately, they walk backstage before we find out what that exactly
entails. You know, as much as we wish it, as much as we LONG for the guy under there to be the one who recently left us, as much as I want it as much as you, we all KNOW that it can't be, and it's sad that that crazy rumour even started. Maybe you read it on r.s.p-w, maybe you saw it on some bogus website out there, but if I could find the person who started that
rumour - I'd have special words for him. Fortunately, I have this
forum,
so I'll say it here, publicly, in the hopes that it eventually reaches
the
person who started that awful, awful rumour about who was under the
hood.
So to that guy - the guy who said "it's the Ultimate Warrior under
there,"
I have only one thing to say: Shame on you.
Next Monday: What do Anna Kournikova, Mick Foley, CRZ and the Artist
Formerly Known as Prince have in common?
Does anyone else think that Roddy Piper showed more moves in the episode
of "Walker, Tejas Ranger" that aired right before the show (on USA, anyway
- I'm sure they show something else in them other countries) than he has
in, oh, the past YEAR in the WCW? I'm just saying is all...
Geez, Piper's a real AK-TORE. "I'm Cody the Crusader!" Geez, I almost
BELIEVE he's Cody the Crusader. But why's he doin' that Superfly Jimmy
Snuka "I love you" hand bit?
You know what? I probably WON'T watch "Walker" just so I can get the RAW
preview ad anymore...'cause I don't know what's worse, this or "Felicity."
VINCENT K. walks down to ringside in his rasslin' duds - he's the Greater
Power, by the way. You know it, I know it, we all desperately want it to
be anybody BUT him (why's he getting such a loud cheer then?), but there's
just been too many seeds planted, and even though it makes NO sense if you
really look at the past storyline, that's it and live with it.
the Gregorian chants start up (which, by law, signifies that this WILL
suck)
The hood is lifted - oh, of course, it's Vince McMahon. "It's me, Austin!
It's me, Austin! It was me all along Austin!" Well, fuck.
[Austin]'s booking Triple H tonight against the Rock in a cast match -
they'll put him in a full leg cast and have him wrestle the Rock. Geez,
what'll he do without a KNEE to use?
Let's look at some WACKY
fans outfitted in some CRAZY Kane & Mankind masks - easy guys, Halloween
is four months away, ha ha ha! (Read that last sentence in your best
"Newsreel" voice and it'll work as "humour.")
Speaking of that Union - there's the Big Show, Ken Shamrock and Test - and
- whoa! They're WALKING!
Backstage, Debra - ooooohhhhhhh oh oh oh oh - WALKS!
Then [Shamrock] butchers the English language a bit, but the upshot is
that Jarrett's gonna have to wait - tonight, he wants VINCE in the Lion's
Den - a little retribution for the humiliation and embarrassment. He's
gonna abuse him - hell, if it's half as bad as his abuse of the spoken
word...okay, I'll leave the man alone.
Hey, who DID Debra win that title from again? I can't remember....geez, it
was some blonde chick with giant breasts...ah, hell, there's a MILLION of
them on TV. I'll NEVER remember.
Hey, I bet any day now [Nicole] Bass gets some facial reconstruction - not
so's they could EXPLOIT her or anything, no no.
Here's the World Premiere of Rock's "Gettin Chefy with It" Chef Boyardee
commerical. It mainly involves pictures of the Rock standing around. In one
scene, he actually appears to be eating ravioli! WOW!
Ivory is dressed to wrestle, which is pretty confusing considering she's
a woman.
GTV black'n'white with Mr. Ass and some lucky woman who gets to shave his
ass. A zit is discovered, and mirth and mayhem ensues. This is the WWF!
Ross calling Viscera: "Patterson under all that humanity! That's the largest man that's ever
been on Patterson!"
MICHAEL KING COLE interviews BEAVER & MRS. CLEAVAGE - he's got a big match
tonight with Meat - "Aww, Mom, I don't wanna have a match with a guy named
Meat..." and he lowers his head to the comely young lass' bosom - then he
gets up and says "I can't do this..." removes the beanie, and walks off as
a voice offstage says "Chaz! Chaz, we're live! Chaz...." and we cut to
an ad break.
Hey, there's CORTEZ KENNEDY from the Seattle Seahawks in the audience!
You mean he's not wrestling or cutting a promo? Oh, right, that's the
OTHER federation.
Rock brings the "symbol" into the ring. Looks like it's time for
another Ryderification!
Does the Rock have a ... thing ... with objects being rectally inserted?
I don't smell what he's cookin'.
Sign in crowd: "WCW SUCKS AND MASTER P. SWALLOWS" - oh yeah, baby.
And THAT'S the bottom lahn, 'cause humma humma ba dumma.
"Kane, it seems to me you don't know who Hardcore Holly is - you see, I'm
the Big Shot! So, if you want some of Hardcore Holly ... besides
blindsiding me like you did last night, I tell you what, why don't you
bring your Big Red diapered ass down by the ramp and fight me face to
face, because I tell you what, I'm ready for you tonight, ya Big Red
Retard!" When did Holly go COMPLETELY insane, anyway?
Ross says for the second time that Gunn fancies himself "Brad Pitt
with an Attitude" so I guess I better note it before he says it five more
times and overkills me to death. I personally think Gunn looks as much
like Brad Pitt as *I* do but you didn't hear ME say that.
Michael King Cole stands in front of a door. He'll be talking to Mr.
McMahon soon - so don't you DARE touch that dial! Even if you see Scott
Putski and Sid Vicious on the other channel!
Who raised the briefcase? Will we ever know? Will we care when we DO
know?
Wednesday night I did something I haven't done in a long, long time:
I saw a movie on its opening night. I felt like I HAD to go see "South
Park," just to fill my bloodlust for naughty words - I've had this situation
dealing with naughty words lately, you see. That movie was AWESOME.
You must go see it. I know many of you will have to ask your 18-year
old friends to take you, but it's worth it, believe me. Filthy language
is DAMN entertaining. Inspired, I offer apologies to Eric Cartman (AND Kyle's mom) and offer my thoughts in song: "Weeeeeeeelllllll......
WrestleLine's a bitch, it's a big fat bitch
On Monday it's a bitch, on Tuesday it's a bitch
Have you ever surfed this site I'm on
Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch 'cause
WrestleLine is a biiiiiiiiiitch..."
We are NOT LIVE from the Unnamed Arena in Fayetteville, NC 5.7.99 (taped
29.6) for WWF RAW IS WAR! This sellout crowd comes to you en
espanol donde se disponible on the All New (Logo) USA Network and (Boring Old)
TSN.
When we come back, Ross promises "the damnedest ho's you've
ever seen" - and if THAT doesn't make you want to keep it locked in
on RAW IS WAR, well, you're just not a wrestling fan. Or something.
...unfortunately the picture cuts out and fades into GTV, where Droz and Prince Albert are putting on their ho outfits - and Droz thinks he LIKES it...
Droz does a Grind (just like
- damn, who used to do that again?) and Albert stumbles about in his
shoes. Godfather and Venis make sure we all get that they're
laughing. I kept waiting for Droz to say "life's a drag" but it didn't happen.
Elsewhere backstage, the cops ask Finkel, Slaughter and Garea if they've
seen X-Pac & Road Dogg. Slaughter and Garea say no, and the
Fink rats 'em out, 'cause he ALWAYS ... you know. Finks.
I believe Ross sums it up nicely with "ah, the dreaded potted plant shot"
The Rock "gets chefy with it" - that is to say, "stands around and
occasionally ingests ravioli while other folks dance and rap."
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra) v. A BACKSTAGE LOOK AT X-PAC
& ROAD DOGG LOADED INTO A POLICE CAR - NO, WAIT - IT'S CHAZ (with Marianna)
for the Intercontinental Title - Ross wonders why Chaz suddenly gets
an IC title shot - hey, yeah! Me too! Ross mentions that Chaz
is wrestling in his underwear, causing me to wonder who could POSSIBLY be interested
in seeing some guy wrestle wearing THAT.
wwf.com promo deals with the sensitive issue of dog crap
Wow, what's with all the matches? I kinda like it.
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & HARDCORE HOLLY v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND
BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE & NOT X-PAC - Unless my grasp of tonight's storylines
deceives me, X-Pac is still on his way to the Phi Gamma Slamma, making this
a Handicap Match - Holly is quick to tell referee "Blind" Earl Hebner
AND Big Show that HE'S running things for this team tonight. 'Cause
he's insane, you see.
Poor Keshia - from cute Cosby kid to annoying anti-smoking activist - how the mighty have fallen
TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) v. AD BREAK in a Steel Cage match -
hey, I'm as shocked as you are.
TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) v. ROCK in a Steel Cage match - Can
I just say there are FAR too many people on this World Wide Web that spend
FAR too much time staring at Rock's nipples? Thanks, I had to get
that off my nipples. CHEST!
...your unseen commentators are MICHAEL
KING COLE & VINCE RUSSO. As a commentator, Russo is a poor man's Cornette
- taking care to relate the stories that be happenin' but without any sort
of, you know, personality.
Let Us Take You Back to RAW and show you that despite that terrible
concussion, Bradshaw showed up for the Acolytes' tag team title defense
against #1 Contenders the Hardy Boyz. They may have even won, except the
Hardyz cheated by snapping Hayes' "Wrestler B. Cool" stick over Bradshaw's
head to score the pinfall. And I'll be shocked if ANYWAY saw the FWF
reference I just snuck in there.
FIREWORKS! BECAUSE WE ARE LIVE from Freedom Hall - let Freedom
ring in Louisville, KY 12.7.99 for WWF RAW! Sign in crowd: "NO LIMIT
= NO RATINGS"
Austin spins Vince around to face the top of the ramp, and they
both look - but the UNDERTAKER is approaching from behind, waffling
Austin with his own smokin' skull belt. Oh, he is busted wide open again.
Undertaker punches to really get the blood flowin' good. Ewwwww,
it's only 2110, I'm not used to blood this early into primetime! Austin
driven into the STEEL steps. McMahon smiles - and brandishes a fountain
pen. Unfortunately, no one in the WWF demos knows what fountain pens are
for. *I* thought Undertaker was carving up Austin like this was FMW, but
actually he simply filled the pen with Austin's blood instead.
(Oh, is THAT all.)
X-Pac tells us that DX is in the house so raise some hell and make a little
noise! Sounds like he has constipation, he does. "Now Hunter, Chyna,
Billy - your sorry corporate kissasses want the rights to DX?
Well, you're gonna have to beat us, and take our last breath pal, 'cause
at Fully Loaded your asses are grass and we're gonna smoke it!"
Lawler: "They're gonna do WHAT?" Ross: "Figure of speech."
Let Us Take You Back to Last Night's Heat where Gangrel hit the Impaler on Edge to cost the Brood a 6-man victory and seal the deal on the Brood splitting. Ross channels Schiavone by saying this is the first time these guys have met - which is a damn lie.
Ross comes back to Earth by remembering that Edge and Christian ARE brothers. It's unknown where Christian fits into this split, apparently. In fact, we don't really know WHY they're splitting. In FACT, we're not really sure WHY they got together in the first place!
"So what's the deal, Kane? What is it, man? I know you're
confused - but you can't let your brother manipulate you like he did before, man.
You know what I'm sayin'? I've always been straight witchoo and you
know it, but if you're gonna have anything to do with him, I don't want nuttin'
to do with you man, nothin'. So what you're gonna have to do - what
you're gonna have to do is make a choice. You have to do the right thing
man, make a choice." C'mon Mookie! Do the right thing!
Val compares his dick to Mick Foley - would that
make it Dick Foley? Free idea for Al Snow: Come out to the ring
carrying a half dozen garden hoes. It's funny, trust me.
Triple H: "Tell you what boys, bring that big red
retard with you to the ring - that is, if he can pull his nose out
of the Undertaker's ass long enough."
Well, now HERE'S a vignette. It's TORI! And she's NAKED!
She's also got a lot of words written all over her body. I guess she's come
a long way from being Sable's biggest fan....who?
TERRY TAYLOR interviews Droz, who is a sensitive nineties male getting
in touch with his feminine side - much to Prince Albert's consternation.
Droz wants an Evening Gown match. Someone's gonna get stripped to
their - ahem - bra and panties!
Snow takes the dress off his tits, then pulls off his pasties. Ross: "It's the dreaded breastlock!"
GTV presents a stairwell and Joey Abs saying "Baby, I'm sorry" to Stephanie, and tell her he knows he can make things right if she'll just give him another chance. "You know Joey, you were an idiot then, and you're an idiot now. I went out with you for one reason and one reason only, and that was for my brother Shane, and I'll never do it again. Stay away from me!"
The Countdown to the Millenium is either way off, or pointing to something else. I say this because they're misspelling "millennium." Oh well, we'll know in four weeks!
Ross: "Has Holly got a death wish?" The Acolytes DEMOLISH him,
then throw him in the ring...Bradshaw knocks Holly down as WELL IT'S
THE BIG SHOW rushes down to the ring and takes out Bradshaw with a
superkick. He then drapes Holly over his shoulder and walks up
the ramp, making the "what am I gonna do with this guy" face. Big Show
puts him down when they're at the top. "I was in control - I had him! I had
him beat! Had him right where I wanted him." "Yeah, you were
in control." Confusing - but funny! What's with these two guys?
LETHAL WEAPON STEVE BLACKMAN LETHAL WEAPON he speak not at all and carry
big stick
A batch of OFFICIALS & REFEREES comes out but they're quickly subdued.
Now STEPHANIE is out - grabbing Shane around the waist, Shane FIRES back
with an elbow that PASTES Stephanie right in the mush. Everybody in
the crowd gasps simultaneously, it was THAT good. Shane quickly realises
what he's done and falls to his sister's side. The Posse drop everything
and take Stephanie to the back. Replays of the wicked elbow - some camera
angles are better than others - just suspend your disbelief, baby, suspend!
In other news, I don't CARE that the word "slash" is verboten on the
WrestleLine forums. I think it's incredibly AMUSING, but still,
that doesn't mean I CARE. Stop writing me about it! I don't
run the forums!
(The preceding paragraph was meant to be perceived as "public whining"
by some, "a blatant attempt to increase hits on the WrestleLine forum"
by others, and "another annoying indirect and obscure reference to CRZ's
homepage" by my editors - I play all sides against the middle for my
own enjoyment)
Here's the CORPORATE MINISTRY come out to remind us why we watch the
opening quarter hour - for the *dialouge*, baby!
Undertaker promises that H's blood will be on his hands tonight, so
Sunday he can "bathe in Austin's." Ewwwwww.
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN fixes to pick up the business, driving in in
a bloodmobile borrowed from the Central Kentucky Blood Center.
Hey, you can't drink beer while you're driving a bloodmobile!... Then he drinks
two more beers. I think Austin might have a problem.
Now Let's Take You Back to Tonight (finally), where Chyna is demurring
on putting her half of the double chain on. "You know, they say that
all dogs should be collared, and bitch, you see where mine's at."
Hey! That's sexist! "I know how kinky you and Triple H are,
you probably had something on similar to it last night, so don't be scared
girl, lock it up!"
Backstage, Rock is WALKING! He manages to get stopped by an autograph
seeker. "All right - what's your name?" "Mark--"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!" Then he makes him flinch. He's still
got it!
GTV presents BEN STILLER & JANEANE GARAF - GAROF - GAR - YOU KNOW,
THE ONE THAT HANGS WITH STILLER, and TWO OTHER ACTOR TYPES FROM "MYSTERY
MEN" (starting 30 July at a theatre near you! Commence saturation!)
hangin' and bangin' talkin' about rasslin' and puppies. I didn't
need this vignette - and I'm PRETTY sure Stiller is usually funnier than
this. Stiller actually manages to notice the GTV camera and disconnect it,
making him smarter than all the wrestlers featured so far...
Shane promises that things are now gonna be done his way "because I will stop at nothing for YOUR (Stephanie's) happiness!" Things will be done Mean Street Style...give it up one time for the posse.
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra) v. CHRISTIAN for the Intercontinental Title - thank GOD, JERRY LAWLER has arrived to contribute his very special blend of idiotic commentary and pandering to the proceedings.
Jarrett asks Christian to show the proper respect for the Greatest
Intercontinental Champion of all time, so Christian hits a schoolboy for 2.
Ross says that doesn't taste good - not even with a little of JR's BBQ sauce. CRZ may occasionally be a mark for his own initials, but not NEARLY as much as Jim Ross is for his own barbecue sauce.
Ross: "Look at Chyna, that wench." 2 count. Lawler: "Remember,
what you say about others says a lot about you!"
AL SNOW (with Head) v. BIG BOSSMAN - Snow is apparently having problems with the voices in his head. Umm, his OWN head, not the other one. Ross words in "nuttier than a pet 'coon," oh thank God. Snow goes on to upend the timekeeper, throw several objects into the ring, then beg Bossman to knock him for a loop with the nightstick. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long exhorts Bossman not to use the stick, but WHOOMP! there it is. (DQ 0:00)
Now to a half crab, and holding the rope for balance - no, NOT for leverage, Blackman doesn't NEED to cheat.
Right, kick, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right,
right, right, right, right, right. Helmsley is a SCIENTIST!
Knee to the groin from the Big Show to Kane for
good measure - now Undertaker and Big Show sharing a stare - hand
extended, hand shook! Looks like we have an alliance between
these two behemoths (or bohemoths, if you prefer).
Happy Hour is NEXT! Sherman Hemsley is NOT related to Hunter Hearst
Helmsley! I think
"During the Break" footage shows Kane carrying X-Pac away, after
unleashing a ... yell of some sort. I didn't think he had the
pipes to do that, but far be it for me to worry about continuity - ha!
Holly gives a good shove to reg'lar announcer TONY CHIMEL (YOU spell it) and starts in with the ego. He announces the former Broodmates as weighing "about a buck and a quarter - and that's with Christian's legs wrapped up to make 'em look bigger!"
Holly: "And your winner - ME! The Big Shot, Hardcore
Holly!" and he rushes the Acolytes. Of course, the Acolytes quickly
take charge of the situation - there's a neat double spinebuster.
The lights go out and the pyro goes off again, as does the music - THROUGH FIRE
AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE is out again - chokeslam for Bradshaw! Chokeslam
for Faarooq! Chokeslam for Holly (the crowd LOVES that one)!
Chokeslam for Edge! Kane ... asking for the mic? He's got the voicebox
- crowd is loud for the big man. "You hurt Sean - you hurt me - Undertaker -
Big Show - tonight I'm gonna hurt you." And Kane strides up the ramp
We have some footage! It's another angle following the ambulance as it drives away - we see Shamrock checking things out - and a car comes in from stage left and broadsides him. The door opens - STEVE BLACKMAN steps out, stands over Shamrock - then puts on his sunglasses and gets back in the car to drive away. Blackman is one BAD mofo.
Vince extends his hand. Austin stares at it...and grabs the mic
from Vince. "You want me to put her there? You just want me to come out here after two years
and shake your little hand? I got a problem with that!" Then Austin
asks the crowd if he should snap off his arm and shove it up his ass...gee, that's
real big of him....Vince leaves the ring - but not before receiving a final
double bird from Austin. Vince walks up the ramp - for the last time? Ha.
Ross waves from the ring. Vince turns back...and delivers a double bird
of his own. Austin's music starts up again and it's time for some beer. ("I
take Vince off television, and you give me LIGHT beer?") Austin gives
a beer to Ross, who is happy to down it (hey Ross, don't drink that beer -
it'll slur your speech! Oh ... I'm sorry) - Austin has a second beer
as Ross rejoins Lawler. Ross is giddy to the point of getting the first
mute of the night ("God damn son of a bitch?") as Austin walks back up the
ramp.
As Vince gets ready to get back into his limo, he's stopped by HOWARD
FINKEL, who's in tears and breaking up inside. "Vince, please
- Vince, before you go I've wanted to tell you something. After 24 years
with you, I never thought I'd say this to you - but ... goodbye. Thank
you for everything. And I love you, Vince." The fink's crying.
Vince (sneering): "Get the hell away from me." Well, I'm not sure what
purpose THAT served, but at least we have a possible trivia answer. Who
was the last person to talk to Vince on Monday Night RAW? Of course,
Vince'll be back next week. Ha!
MICHAEL KING COLE interviews THE ROCK - rather, he models the Rock's
T-shirts and elbow pad while the Rock directs the shot onto himself.
Triple H may have beaten him, but it took three people to do it.
He's gonna give Mr. Ass what for, and he's gonna cure Chyna's Rock fever.
Both actions involve objects being shoved up various candyasses. "Michael
Cole, this microphone stinks - what is the problem?" Cole holds
up his hand to smell it - and Rock promptly smacks his hand, causing him to
smack his own nose. Ha!
The Unites States Coast Guard Rescue of the Week is D'Lo Brown rescuing
the European Title from being worn around the waist of Mideon by pinning
him following the 'Lo Down frog splash
As H and THAT SLUT CHYNA make it into the
ring, the RAW credits make their appearance as does the TV-14-DLV ratings
box. By the way, you may not have heard this, but My Top Secret
Source have divulged to me that Jesse Ventura himself will referee the main
event at SummerSlam! Yeah, I can't believe it myself!
"Hey jabrones! The Rock says this: Badd Ass Billy Gunn, if you
got a set of balls; and Chyna, the Rock knows you got some too - then
your candyass and your candyass meet the Rock tonight, Handicap match, and
then the Rock will take his left boot, take his right boot, turn 'em sideways
and stick 'em straight up your candyasses...if you smelllllll what
the Rock is cookin'." Gunn and Chyna are generally amused by this
- which seems to indicate that they accept. Gunn - fondles his genitals?
I don't wanna know...
UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) & WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW v. THROUGH
HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE in a Handicap Match - if Big Show's gonna be
a heel, shouldn't he get some less... "happy" ... music? I still
laugh at the fact that "THE BIG SHOW" is written 'cross his posterior.
Backstage, we see Debra being photographed - then we see Jeff Jarrett
dragging her away because it's time for HIS interview. That wacky
Jarrett - always a spoil sport when it comes to letting us catch a glimpse
of Debra's tits.
Ross says the Millennium happens two weeks from tonight as JEDOUBLEF
JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & DE-BRA make it to the ring. Jarrett says
there are no puppies in our future because tonight is about the Greatest
Intercontinental Champion of Allllllllllll Time - what, the Honky Tonk
Man? Jarrett invites BEN STILLER into the ring. Jarrett
asks Stiller why he's in town - Stiller says he "wanted to see some World Class wrestling"
but the von Erichs were out of business so he came to see some WWF
wrestling instead. Jarrett and Stiller shamelessly shill "Mystery
Men" like Stiller was Chucky or something. Stiller sucks up to Jarrett
- if he REALLY wanted to make me think he was a fan, instead of telling Jarrett
he's "the best," he would have said "you're the greatest! Ain't
you great? You're greater than great!" All right, let's wrap
it up. "Tell everybody in here: WHO is your favourite WWF Superstar?" "That's
easy, Jeff, that's easy. There are two of them - THE PUPPIES!"
Jarrett, apparently hoping for a different answer, hits a forearm to take Stiller
down. Stomping away on him. Stiller crawling into the corner,
but Jarrett drags him back to the centre of the ring - FIGURE FOUR!!
Debra screaming to Jeff to stop it - but it ain't happening. Stiller
tapping out as if that'll help - that's always funny. D'LO BROWN runs
into the ring and clotheslines Jarrett. Jarrett gets in a punch, but there's
the Sky-Hi! And THERE'S the 'Lo-Down! Debra took the opportunity
to briefly bury Stiller's head in hear cleavage by way of consoling him.
Brown checking on Stiller, who is unable to walk from the figure four.
Jarrett forces Debra to pick up the belt and then they walk back up the ramp,
Debra protesting most of the way. Brown carrying Stiller out
now.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago when Jeff Jarrett assaulted Ben
Stiller. That Jeff Jarrett - first William Shatner, then Chuck
Norris, and now Ben Stiller! He sure seems to have problems with celebrities!
Al Snow and a Chihuahua have a chat. Apparently, if Snow dumps Head, the dog will make the screaming stop...well that makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
Backstage, Terri Runnels....umm...err...well, there she is. Yup. Lookither... Oh sorry, I was a little distracted for just a minute there. Anyway, Meat's really tired, but he's got a match coming up. Meat seems relieved Terri's not asking her for sex again, proving he's gay.
The US Coast Guard (Slogan: "Guard the US Coast") presents the Rescue of
the Week - the rescue of Jim Ross' tone deafness as he leads a crowd in "Na
Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye." Okay, YOU tell ME what exactly was rescued.
Shane: "Hell, without Vincent K. McMahon, there would not even be - Ted Turner's dubbayaceedubbaya rasslin'! Nor their entire roster, many of which Vince
created a long time ago. "
The Rock gets cheffy with it! You know, *I* stand around ALL THE TIME, but they've never filmed a COMMERCIAL around it.
In the bathroom, AL SNOW and his dog (who Lawler calls PEPPER) try to flush HEAD down the toilet - but she don't fit. She does get a nifty swirly, though.
BIG BOSSMAN v. VISCERA for the Hardcore Championship - So sad to see former friends collide. Hey, black guy vs. prison guard - who are YOU gonna pick? After that belly-to-belly suplex, I pick Viscera.
wwf.com - it's like an anal probe. I THINK that's what this spot says
Jesse "the Body" Ventura will be live next Monday?? Wow, what a tough call
- Jess Ventura or Chad Brock.... hmmm... let me think on that...
STEVE BLACKMAN v. VAL VENIS - THIS is DEFINITELY the match *I'D* book in
the final quarter hour. But, like I doubt my tastes are indicative of the
public tastes at large. Val takes the mic and tells us his dick is like the
Internet. I didn't need to hear that.
ToRI v. LeXY FiFE (no entrance) - I can see Fife's cheeks!! Tori actually
whips out a double rolling snap suplex and a dropkick. Fife tries a face
plant (ha ha), then goes to the ol' hair pullin' and it's officially a
women's match. Tori's spear ain't Edge's. Finisher is ... a powerslam?
Eh, okay. (1:32) IVoRY makes her way out and waffles Tori with the title
belt. Repeatedly. Then she takes out a big marker and does some body
paint of her own - "SLuT" is painted on her abdomen, and "SKaNK" on the
back. Ivory's all right! (Well, I mean, it made *me* laugh.)
By the way: OTHER people talk about "CRZ" a HELL of a lot more than *I* do.
I am specifically referring to two other WrestleLine telvision recappers
who should know better but seem to sneak in a reference to me EVERY SINGLE
FRICKIN' WEEK. GIVE IT A GOD DAMN REST. GET TO THE WRESTLING.
and in 1:16:18 ... 1:16:09 we'll find out just what is up with that whole
Millennium clock thing! Oh, and Steve Austin will come out and say ass a
few times if we're lucky.
The Dawn of a New Age begins 26 August - the WWF returns to prime time network television with SMACKDOWN! Hey, UPN is TOO a network!
DA ROCK is out to make noise. Backstage, we see a couple of big men poised
- one is ready to attack now, but the other suggests hearing what he's got
to say first. I have a macro now that automatically types out "Finally, the
Rock has come back to Chicago! Big Show, last night on Sunday Night Heat
you did something you should never should have done, and that was put your
big sweaty palms on the People's Champion. Big Show, you think you impress
the Rock? Let the Rock make something perfectly clear to you - you have
never - and the Rock means ever - impressed the Rock! From the time your
crappy music hits - 'Well it's the Big Slow...'" Rock stealing material
from CRZ *and* Herb Kunze? "And every single Rock fan stops, pauses and
takes a look, and they all say this: 'Aw, I'm goin' to take a leak - this
guy SUCKS!'
Triple H plays the "she's only a girl" card, and the "no place for a woman"
card, and Chyna's all "I'll go, Commish!" and the crowd's all "you go,
girl!" and Chyna's all "You try me" and I'm like "ooh, scary" and then that
guy over there says "it's all a swerve and you can smell the screwjob!" and
I'm like "naah, they wouldn't pull THAT tonight - would they?"
TERRY TAYLOR works tonight! He's backstage with the Lethal Weapon. Blackman
says he'll step into the Lion's Den with Shamrock, but only if there are
weapons placed all around. "This thing's gonna end one way *OR*
*ANOTHER!!!!!!!!*" Blackman is the KING on this mic. I love how he looks
STRAIGHT at Taylor as if he really WERE Shamrock. Somebody teach Blackman
how to look into the camera! Hey! Maybe *I* can do that! C'mon Blackman!
You're my MAN!! Just look into the camera!
DA ROCK comes out and talks some smack to try to set up a match with the
Big Show later tonight - but the Millennium countdown is on the TitanTron
(about two minutes late ... but who's counting?) - :16, :15, :14, ... 6, 5,
4, 3, 2, 1 ... lights flash and music plays and ... and ... and ...
darkness. Then - An explosion! Oh yes - one word on the TitanTron - and it
is JERICHO. Arms out, back to us. "Welcome to RAW ... is ... JERICHO!" Oh
yeah - it's CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO at the top of the ramp, scowl, sneer,
goofy hairdo and all. They've given him some Connecticut Yankee muzak.
THAT SLUT CHYNA v. TRIPLE H v. UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) in a #1
Contender's match - Ross tries the cement block attack story again for
Austin and Ventura thinks maybe he just had one beer too many and fell down
the stairs himself. I bet THAT made Austin happy to hear!
THIS JUST IN: Joey Marella is still dead
Hardcore & Crash Holly have brawled out onto a WWF semi - they're WACKY!
"Welcome to RAW is JERICHO!" CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is at the top of the
ramp. "And this is exactly what I was talking about last week. You two
giant slugs have been out here for what, three, four minutes? And already
you've forced these poor people to drift off into their own little worlds,
completely oblivious to what you're saying, and completely oblivious to
you. I mean you two morons couldn't string together two intelligent words
and I was forced to come out here and save this segment! Personification of
evil - ha! I say personification of BOREDOM!"
KANE'S ON FIRE!! Errr, unfortunate choice of words there
The United States Coast Guard presents the Rescue of the Week! From last
week's RAW, GTV presents Mr. Ass receiving a poison ivy rub, which is a
rescue of .... well, the rescue.... see, what's being RESCUED here is...
ah, hell, I have NO idea.
Why are you reading this report?
Man, Jaleel White is one UGLY mofo. How come he keeps gettin' put on TV and stuff?
Let Us Take You Back to the pullapart between Dogg and Jericho, Bossman loading
Pepper in the back seat, and driving off. Oh man, I hope Mathilda and Frankie aren't in there too!
LILIAN GARCIA is your new ring announcer. Fine, she's very attractive. But,
I mean, she ain't exactly Mike McGuirk, naah mean? (Half of you probably
have NO IDEA who I'm talking about - which makes me pretty old...) Also,
poor ol' Tony Chimel never got chyron. Bill Dunn never got chyron. That
other guy whose name I never learned got chyron. Howard Finkel got chyron,
but he was always "THE FINK" in super quotes.
God, it IS a soap opera. I think I liked it better when it wasn't so.... OBVIOUS. You know? Maybe the chicks dig it. I dunno.
Time now for the Rescue of the Week, thanks to the United States Coast Guard! It's Mark Henry rescuing D'Lo Brown - err, no, wait, it's Henry breaking a guitar across his back. Never mind.
Magic: The Gathering presents WWF Unforgiven! As Kenny would say, "Dude - thaff
fuffin guh!"
THE ROCK (with RAW credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. GANGREL (with the
Hardy Boyz and a burning ring o' far) - Rock says some stuff that
entertains everybody but me. You get the feeling that Rock keeps a closet
full of jars of monkey piss in his home in Miami? You know, just in case of
emergency and stuff. Where does he GET all that monkey piss, anyway? And
how come I can figure out he keeps saying "monkey piss" despite USA's
Herculean attempts to blot it from the soundtrack in order to protect my
delicate ears?
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY interviews TORI in the back. Ivory's got some sort of
humilation fetish, says Tori, so how about a little evening gown match
Thursday - she can relieve her of her clothes AND her title. Then she asks
whatever happened to that Sable chick - she was her biggest fan!!
The Ultimate Warrior's theme music and lighting treatment fire up - and out comes HOWARD FINKEL. Whoops, guess he DID get his own chyron after all.
THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. MIDIAN & VISCERA - This match
is originally scheduled for "one round" before Lilian Garcia corrects
herself and says "one fall" - okay, I'm going to say it - WHO'D SHE SLEEP
WITH TO GET THIS GIG? - arrrgh. Speaking of arrrrgh, I challenge the WWF to
pick a character name spelling for Dennis Knight and STICK WITH IT. At
least this week the chyron matches his tights. Ever wonder what a match
sounded like with four colour commentators and nobody on play-by-play?
Well, friends, it ain't pretty.
THE ROCK joins the commentary team. It's official: we are now watching THE
WORLD ENTRANCE FEDERATION. "Who's booking this crap?" says the Rock. "I
love shoot interviews that aren't supposed to be shoot interviews," says
Herb Kunze.
"Who is booking this crap? The Rock against Billy Gunn. The Rock against
Gangrel. I mean, next week the Rock will be laying the smack down on the
Brooklyn Brawler, for Chrissakes."
Replay of the chair shots on Mankind - and the Rock. Pedigree, cover. Triple H poses, then walks back up the ramp. Now, it's his time.
Look! A UPN promo! And one more! The evolution begins now! The WHA..? Out with EVOLUTION, in with REVOLUTION! REH-VOH-LOO-SHUN-REH-VOH-LOO-SHUN-REH-VOH oh well on with it already
IT IS TIME TO LAY THE SMACK DOWN! WWF Smack Down! airing 26.8.99 from the Kemper Arena in Kansas City, MO (but taped 24.8) on the United Paramount Network - dig them crazy ovals, Pookie!
I hear the dulcet tones of ring announcer Tony Chimel and say a silent prayer of thanks.
You're watching WWF SMACK DOWN - UPN THURSDAY! Well, all right - *I* am - and you're living vicariously through me. That's ALMOST as good.
ROAD DOGG v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - Let Us Take You Back to Monday's RAW, where Jericho made Finkel ALWAYS BELIEVE he was a Waryr and act as bait for a punkin' from Jericho. It's he, it's he, it's the Dee-oh-dubba-jee. Crowd says "Suck it" to give Phil Mushnick column fodder. This IS Jericho's televised WWF debut, thank you for asking. How many weeks before they just call him "Y2J," anyway? Ask Paul Wight about that.
Test paces some more. Hey, you know - pacing - it's kinda like WALKING! Stephanie arrives - "This is driving me nuts - you got an answer for me?" Beaming, Stephanie says "Yep!" and merrily skips away.
Bossman says if he doesn't show for the title match, he'll put Pepper in a coldhard place and show him what hard time means. Ummm...I wonder what he means by that.
Bossman has Pepper muzzled and with the baton on the neck. Bossman's my hero! Bossman deposits Pepper with Lawler, and sure enough, he pees on him - off camera, of course.
I don't CARE if Syndra's animated - I wanna DO her!
There's THAT SLUT CHYNA come out to talk about "Shasta McNasty" (premiering this fall, ONLY ON UPN!) with referee "Blind" Earl Hebner so TRIPLE H can ALSO come out and smite Mankind most verily withe yon steele chaire, allowing Shane to cover Mankind - 1, 2, 3. Man, Shane NEVER JOBS. Well, he jobbed to Test Sunday, but I'll just IGNORE THAT because it WRECKS MY POINT. Ha!
MICHAEL KING COLE works tonight! He tries to interview Tori as she WALKS!!! She removes her evening gown (!) and, clad only in a thong, keeps walkin'. Ivory won't humiliate her TONIGHT! She can do that HERSELF! Notice how the ONLY time we see somebody walking in the direction AWAY from the camera is when it's a fairly attractive and topless woman. On the plus side, Cole FINALLY interviewed someone back there without getting his ass handed to him on a platter.
Shawn Michaels - is - WALKING! (and advertising his school) Hey, if Triple H makes sure he never walks again, does that mean less walkin' shots on my WWF television programs? Ha!
First up tonight is LA ROCA - arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh, Lilian Garcia announces
his arrival. That's all I'm going to say about that tonight, I promise.
Of course, Garcia announces Mankind as the winner. Aww, geez, Tony Chimel
is sitting RIGHT THERE BEHIND HER.
Backstage, the Rock throws a mild tantrum. We'll probably hear him talking
about sticking something sideways up somebody's candyass later tonight -
stay tuned
Michael King Cole is backstage with Al Snow. Bossman will be here tonight, but will he have Pepper with him? Snow displays the "Have you seen this dog?" posters he was distributing last night. Say, whose phone number *is* 705 750 5298, anyway? As Snow continues to talk, we hear some sex behind the chain link fence set. Snow casts a confused glance in that direction, but finishes up his (sober) plea to Bossman.
Rock takes time out of his busy schedule to dis Terri in a move that everyone will wish I'd transcribed but they don't write this column. Ha ha ha! Terri certainly has fascinating nipples.
The Rock ... ugh ... gets ... chefy ... with it
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! Where Chris Jericho Powerbombed Road
Dogg Through A Table - reports are he has a crushed disc and we won't see
him until he's off the marijuana - oh, sorry, that's not true. I just made
that up. DON'T report that as fact or even rumour, it's TOTALLY fake. Road
Dogg is NOT tokin' on a big fat joint right now. I SWEAR
X-PAC (with a refreshing Hansen's Energy Drink) v. TAKA MICHINOKU (with
Funaki) - what kind of bizarro world am I living in where an honest-to-God
MATCH happens on RAW and not on that other program? "Boston - I got two
words for you - SUCK ON IT!" Taka RULES IT on the mic.
MEAT & TERRI RUNNELS walk down the ramp. Rock takes time out of his busy
schedule to dis Terri in a move that everyone will wish I'd transcribed but
they don't write this column. Ha ha ha! Terri certainly has fascinating
nipples. Before Lilian remembers to announce Meat, and give us the
impression we'll get a match here, GTV lights up the TitanTron - and we
learn that those strange sounds we heard earlier behind the chain link
fence were actually Meat & Marianna engaging in some heavy makin' out.
Terri slaps Meat - hey, she hits like a girl. And now CHAZ is out to whoop
on Meat - he's SERIOUS, now, baby! He's not just a kid from Jersey trying
to make it on his own!! And now MARIANNA is out and she and Terri are
having a good ol' catfight - crowd comes ALIVE!
Wow golly! For a mere pittance of $48.99, you can own a jersey that
proclaims your allegiance to THE ROCK! Surely such a prestigious honour is
worth TWICE the money!
Anyway, TORI is out and takes out BOTH Cole and Ivory - Cole ending up in the middle of this fun brawl. MICHAEL COLE IS THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE. Anyway, LUNA TUNES is quickly out, and JACQUELINE is also quickly out. Pier Eight - Err, Four - Brawl ensues, but only Ivory gets any clothes removed. Now WHO thought it was a good idea to go to break NOW?!?
Time now for the United States Coast Guard Rescue of the Week! From
SmackDown last Thursday, Shawn Michaels rescued Triple H from a title loss
with Sweet Chin Music. He also rescued HIMSELF from the face pop of
thousands of fans
Cole and Lawler publicly salivate over this upcoming match. We cast a wary eye to the limousine - could that bald-headed SOB be inside? Could Triple H's opponent be inside? If you're a long-time WWF Wheel of Fortune watcher, have you noticed that they never ONCE said the name "Stone Cold Steve Austin?" Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes, you are.
"During the Break" footage shows Chris Jericho complementing Fink's rugged, manly physique and suggesting a "Y2Jockey" campaign for Howard. Well now they're just TRYING to make Finkel into Ralphus with attire like THAT.
X-PAC (with a can of Hansen's Energy Drink in his shorts - or is he just happy to see you?) v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - Let Us Take You Back to the past few shows and show you Jericho's gentle placement of the Road Dogg on the shelf, followed by the seeds planted for a Shamrock confrontation later tonight. God, please give these guys eight minutes at least. Thank you. Before the match starts, KEN SHAMROCK's music plays (God, do you hate me?) and he storms the ring.
MANKIND v. LA ROCA to determine the #1 Contender - a little early in the show for this match, don't you think? Are the wheels spinning while your brain churns out the world "angle imminent?" Well, let's put that aside for now and see how it plays out.
Your final entrants are EDGE & CHRISTIAN - Pier Four Brawl erupts but the Acolytes will take the upperhand in that kind of contest. Christian and Faarooq end up outside while Edge hits a swinging neckbreaker on Bradshaw and climbs the ropes. Faarooq crotches him, though - and Bradshaw hits - no, countered into a tornado DDT. Whoops, the DUDLEY BOYZ are out - who? Right! Buh Buh Ray is carrying Hacksaw Jim Duggan's 2x4 while D-Von has Ahmed Johnson's 2x4. Long calls for the bell, proving this whole segment rather a waste of time - ha!
LA ROCA y MANKIND v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE & HIS LITTLE
BUDDY X-PAC for the WWF tag-team championship - This week's rectal insertion
object of choice is Kane's voicebox (less batteries).
"...finally Mankind has come back to Harvard!" which would be cool if they
weren't in HARTFORD.
In an AWFULLY strange coincidence, both KTEH and the A&E Network screened
Roger Corman's "The Terror" overnight last night. I only mention this because
people Older Than Myself love to talk about Roger Corman to me in email
because I use this gag every week, and only now do I FINALLY have an inkling
of that to which they refer. In other words, I fell asleep trying to watch it
- even if that WAS Jack Nicholson. What was my point again?
EDGE (you think you know him - you only know what he allows you to know) &
CHRISTIAN (has no cool lyrics)
WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW v. BALD VENIS - Show with ... well it's a big
clothesline. Well it's a clubbin' forearm. "Nobody calls me out!" Well it's a
big elbow to the back. Well it's a big open-handed slap.
MEAN STREET POSSE (with Terri) v. PAT PATTERSON & GERRY BRISCO & TEST (with
RAW credits) - Sadly, we DO see Patterson's puppies during the "Real
American" entrance as Pat gives himself not one but TWO titty twisters
AVATAR does indeed come out. Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! as Al Snow
eats his dog. The less said about it, the better... "Shazam!" And he puts the
mask on. "Do not fear, citizens - Avatar is here! I am here to protect the
World Wrestling Federation from evil - from bad doers and giant nuclear
monsters spawned in Japan. So rest your weary heads, citizens, because Avatar
is here!" Then he takes the mask off. "What the hell am I doing? Where the
hell am I at? Oh my God, no! Oh no! What am I wearing the genie pants for?
Oh, Jesus, no, please help me! Oh my God, the last time they made me wear
this outfit, you could have stuffed a magnet up my ass and drug me through
Fort Knox, I STILL wouldn't have drawn money...oh God please no, not again,
this has got to be a bad dream , tell me this is not happening - I am not
Avatar again - I am not Avatar - eheheheh - Oh, God, this is really...I am
really losing it now - ha ha ha ha....uff! wuff! wuff!" Then he runs over to
the commentary table, appropriates a pen and pad, writes something down,
barking the whole time, and runs off. MY GOD! HE THINKS HE'S RICK STEINER!!
When we come back, they're STILL fighting! And they're in a
stall. Apparently, Ivory just got a swirly. Head to the paper towel
dispenser! Tori throws cakes of soap at Ivory - then tampons (Ross: "Hey,
what're those?") They're in the shower - causing Jacqueline, who was
TRYING to shower, to grab a towel and take off. Shampoo to the eyes! Soap
in the mouth! Man, I'm SO hot right now. Weapons tossed, Ivory's head to
a trashcan. Into a door. Hey, it's the men's locker room apparently -
Droz, Prince Albert and (I think) Mark Henry watch with amusement. Well,
now theyr'e out in a hall. Tori in control. Into the side of a semi.
Ummm....I'm pretty distracted right now, I must tell you. Just pretend I
wrote something here instead of staring at whichever practically bare ass
is foisted 'pon my TV screen at the particular moment.
TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) v. KING ASS for the WWF Championship - Crowd
is dropping pins and I can hear 'em.
So, like, this PIANO drops out of the SKY, right? Just this big old freakin' PIANO! And some dude's playing it, you know? There's this dude playing a PIANO and DO YOU KNOW what the BEST thing is about it? NOBODY EVEN *MENTIONS* IT FOR THE REST OF THE GOD DAMN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When the lights come up, THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE demolishes the New Brood with kicks and chokeslams all around. He's got da mic!! "Triple H...tonight, I will burn the flesh from your body!" Cole: "OH MY GOD. KANE THREATENING TRIPLE H, SAYING HE'S GONNA BURN THE FLESH FROM HIS BODY!" Me: "Umm, I heard it the FIRST time!" Kane's music plays without the DX theme mixed into it, and some flashpots go off.
Those masked wrestlers arriving in the arena look suspiciously like Jericho and Finkel - their Spanish ain't too hot, neither. Jericho's mask says "EL VACA LOCO." The crazy...cow?
HARDCORE & CRASH HOLLY (and their scale) make their way to ringside. Hardcore's STILL looking for a super heavyweight to fight - and he'd like one to come out, now. Everyone's favourite entrance music plays...and THAT SLUT CHYNA makes her way to the ring. See now, she DAMN well ain't three hundred pounds, nor a "googly-eyed monkey."
Shane extends his hand. Test glares at it, checks with Stephanie (whipped, whipped), who gives her puppy dog nod, then presses the flesh with Shane. Awwwwww. Shane and Stephanie hug, and Shane and Linda hug, and Stephanie and Test hug, and Linda and Stephanie hug, and....maybe the chicks dig it.
Jarrett, suitably peeved, takes his gee-tar, spins Moolah around and WAFFLES her with it. Holy shit! MAE YOUNG comes into the ring to help out Moolah, and Jarrett invites HER to "run in, ya old bag!" and Jarrett puts HER in a figure four! Damn...Jarrett putting seventy-something women in holds SHOULDN'T be this entertaining - but it was!
An ambulance backs up to collect...Big Show? Foley? Both? Triple H opens the back of the ambulance - and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN emerges! He's all over Triple H, who actually falls in the grave at one point (hopefully not stepping on Mankind!) - all around the grave site they go, until Austin bundles him into the ambulance, flips a ..well, the picture got all blurry, so I can't tell WHAT he did (ha!), then the ambulance drives off.
Say, when Gangrel and Luna french, do their tongue studs...oh, never mind
Following the announcement of the DQ win for Luna, Jarrett storms Garcia
demanding she recant and declare HIM the winner - when she refuses (because,
for once, she makes the correct pronouncement), he backs her into the ring -
then locks her in the figure four! WICKED! Of course, this is supposed to
make Jarrett "evil" - but we all wanted Garcia to get hers anyway, so... Ha!
Backstage, Austin - ARRIVES! Hey, what's that grey Hummer doing back there?
Eh, probably just coincidence
Man, Rodney's hair is just - well, that's not a choice *I* would have made...
Hey! DENNIS MILLER is in the front row! And he looks embarrassed to have been
spotted at a WWF event! After all, he's no Ben Stiller!
The sound of breaking glass signals that the personification of sports entertainment, (well, that's what HE said) STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, makes his way to the ring.
IVORY makes her way to the ring. Looks like she's ditched the scarf, FINALLY, THANK GOD, looks like it's part of the pin she's wearing.
Remember when SUNNY was the most downloaded personality on AOL? Whatever happened to her, anyway? (That was rhetorical. DO NOT MAIL ME WITH AN ANSWER, birdbrain.)
TERRY TAYLOR tries to talk to Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett says dumb blondes come a dime a dozen in Vegas - speaking of dumb blondes, he's challenging Test later tonight. When he's done with him, his bride-to-be won't even recognise him. Hmmm, it's not like Jarrett to wrestle a MAN...
I think Mankind's the only person to not dis Lilian [Garcia] in some way during their interview, in case you cared. You didn't? Fair 'nuff.
Once again we see Triple H and Chyna and the Cops - and once again, far off in the back we see Austin sticking his head out and peeking at them. Those rent-a-cops don't exactly have eyes in the backs of their heads, do they? Maybe they shouldn't all have THEIR BACKS TO HIM. Oh well - you probably didn't even see Austin this time. It's kinda like "Where's Waldo?" level difficulty.
"Chyna - you've got the frying pan in one hand, the soup ladle in the other hand, and your cooking apron on - there's only one thing left to do - and that's get your ass in the kitchen and start fixin' my supper!" How can ANYONE hate this angle? This is pro wrestling - it's SUPPOSED to be tasteless! That's what makes it so funny!
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra & Miss Kitty) v. TEST for the Intercontinental championship - Test rushes the ring - he's in such a hurry he slides under the bottom rope instead of reminding us how much like Diesel he can be by straddling the top rope!
You know, now that you've actually SEEN it, maybe you could stop bitching about a non-wrestler holding the championship. Yeah, it wasn't wrestling. But it WAS a pretty good story. And aren't the best matches the ones that tell a story? Besides, it wasn't VINCE putting on that Stunner, it was Austin - and that's the way it SHOULD have been done. Man, I would have bitched if it was Vince using the Stunner.
TRIPLE H is ready for his first of TWO HUNDRED entrances tonight - he is
accompanied by THAT SLUT CHYNA and FOUR BOYS IN BLUE.
The Rock enters the building - the female rent-a-cop says something kind to
the Rock, then says it's her birthday. Rock asks her her name, then
flinches, WANTING to say "it doesn't matter," but holding up, since Louise is
rather an older woman. Since it IS her birthday, Rock serenades her with
"Smackdown Hotel," gives her a hundred bucks, and tells her to buy a bottle
of Maalox, turn it sideways, and...have a happy birthday. Awww, Rock's got a
soft spot!
Ivory asks if he have some fun tonight, and bring somebody in the ring - she
picks a girl in wig and sunglass, so you just *know* it's really LUNA TUNES.
There's a ref in the ring, a bell rings but this apparently ISN'T a match.
Well, there's a clothesline, scoop and a slam, snap suplex, powerbomb, DDT,
that's too many moves, my head is spinning. Steve Lombardi (who I didn't
recognise as he's wearing a clean shirt) counts a pinfall (:32)
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & DE-BRA (with Miss Kitty) v. TEST & STEPHANIE
McMAHON in a mixed tag -FIGURE FOUR ON DEBRA! FIGURE
FOUR ON DEBRA! Crowd works up a nice "asshole" chant for Jarrett, which can
only mean it's time to move him up to the main event.
STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. SHAWN STASIAK-- Blackman goes into
the bag and pulls out - well, it's apparently a vibrator. (How would *I*
know?)
The lights go out, the pyro hits and THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S
KANE - this is the World Entrance Federation!
Hey! We're at a strip club! We must be taped since there's all this
pixelation where that woman's boobies are supposed to be! Hopefully after
this ad break we'll figure out why we're here, and I bet it'll involve Mark
Henry!
Backstage we see a forklift parked against the door labeled "THE McMAHON'S"
-My proofreader's instincts kick in as I wonder what that apostrophe is doing
in there.
TRIPLE H & THAT SLUT CHYNA v. SKIPPY & TEST--Triple H with a right hand.
Stomp, stomp, choke, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right,
right, right, right, right, right. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, TRIPLE H IS A
TECHNICAL MARVEL!
"Earlier Today" footage shows the picketing referees - and the Dudley Boyz punking out Teddy Long in order to send a message to Faarooq. Whoa, pulling THAT kinda continuity outta yer ass sends my head spinning - please, some ads - please!
X-PAC (with a refreshing can of Hansen's Energy Drink) v. SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY for the European Championship - I just noticed the big OvalTron is back to the left of the ramp - it just kinda jumps between left and right at will. I may have to start obsessing about this.
THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) in an Inferno Match - When Cole says that this match is Kane's "specialty," is he talking about the fact that Kane has LOST EVERY INFERNO MATCH HE'S EVER BEEN IN?
Man, you can't BELIEVE what the Rock said he'd do with the Stanley Cup! It was HILARIOUS! Oh my. I'm still laughing. Right up his....BWAAAAAhahahahahaha. Rock's a COMIC GENIUS. Praise the Great Spirit above, MANKIND is out to put a stop to this nonsense (I hope).
When we come back, Mankind is set to drop an elbow on Triple H from atop the roof of the office - but he's pushed off with a metal pipe and through a table! triple H crawls to the door..and makes it out. (4:57) Replay shows the pole in a spot shadow. Who shoved him off with the pole? Did they raise the briefcase?
British Bulldog, back in a locker room and having found Vince, reminds him
that he told him back in January (January?) that he promised him a title
shot. At his suggestion, Vince puts him into the Undertaker's slot as he
asks. One more thing, says Smith - I'll do YOU a favour by being the
Special Guest Referee in the Brahma Bull match. Vince tells him to knock
himself out - and then, under his breath, says "by freefalling onto the
top turnbuckle head first" - hey, that was TOTALLY unnecessary. "Shasta McNasty" SUCKS! But still, I haven't had to see Jaleel White all night...
Whoa, did I just say what I thought I said up there? Now I'll NEVER work in this town. I am INCREDIBLY offended! And my Q rating just dropped five points! Oops...
REALIZATION: Apparently, I've been spending too much time of late doing silly
things like "transcribing interviews," "taking down play by play," and in
general "reporting show results" as opposed to "getting myself over" and
"dissing other online columnists" and for that, I apologise. I'll try to get
back on the ball as the weeks roll by.
REALIZATION 2: By the way...I may be spiteful, bitter, bizarre, crusty,
annoying and overly expressive at times......BUT YOU ALL CAN'T STOP TALKING
ABOUT ME!!
AND FINALLY: Anybody that gives Unforgiven a "thumbs up" needs to send a
little of whatever they're on my way, I think. Jericho and X-Pac had better
matches in WCW, the main event was good but hardly great, and everything else
was textbook mediocre, save the abysmal,
should-be-universally-selected-as-Worst-Match-of-the-Year, Kennel from Hell
match, which was so bad as to GUARANTEE that the main event could NOT come
CLOSE to saving the card.
The best thing about this Roddy Piper "match" on "Walker: Tejas Ranger" is
that that isn't really slow-motion - that's Piper's REAL wrestling speed
these days.
TREBLE H (along with THAT SLUT CHYNA) makes his way to the ring and this is
no doubt the first of at least 57 times we hear that wonderful theme music
tonight. Will he be over before THIS title reign is over? You know, they
don't boo HIM, they boo that MUSIC
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, MIDOUBLES KIDOUBLETY and DR. TOM PRITCHARD walk
to the ring.
Steve Austin is WALKING! Whoops, there's Pat Patterson - get out of the shot!
Whew, that was close - you were almost spotted!
The Rock is appreciative to all his fans, but he reminds Mankind that his
birthday is in fact 2 May. Mankind says he knows, but every day he spends
with him FEELS like somebody's birthday...oh, please shoot me.
And now TRIPLE H is out, swinging the sledgehammer, and missing, but FINALLY
helping signal an end to this segment from hell. Everybody scatters. H
sqaushes some balloons and chews gum meancingly. Hey Triple H, come out about
fifteen minutes earlier and you'd be my new favourite wrestler. This segment
DESERVES to lose if there's anything resembling wrestling at ALL on Nitro.
(for history's sake....the This Is Your Life segment did a 8.4 compared to
Nitro's 1.6)
It bears noticing that the cake somehow managed to escape getting pushed into
somebody's mush. I believe that's the first time that has failed to happen in
professional wrestling in approximately 32 years.
TERRY TAYLOR is hanging backstage with MAE YOUNG & FABULOUS MOOLAH - Moolah
does the "aunt pinch" on Taylor, then says they're going to teach Miss Ivory
a lesson - she should respect her elders. Young pipes up with an Admiral
Stockdale-esque "She's a tramp!" Moolah says you're never too old to kick
some ass. Both these ladies are into their eighth decade of life, and they're
absolutely KILLING my ability to make fun of Hogan over on the other channel.
I hope they're happy.
IVORY (with feather boa instead of scarf - I'll let that go) v. FABULOUS
MOOLAH & MAE YOUNG in a nontitle Handicap evening gown match - see, it's
called a Handicap match because *that's the Zone where Moolah & Mae
are parked.*
Feather boa takeover and I SWEAR she landed on her head. There's another bump
right on Young's head - maybe she just doesn't notice at her age.
Dogg wears an Ass shirt and vice versa. Jericho, in a shocking display of logic, wears a JERICHO T-shirt!
When we come back, "During the Break" footage shows Vince and Shane chatting, and Triple H crying about the fact that Vince is apparently going to try to "screw" him every week. Hey THERE'S a mental picture, eh? "You're not gonna beat me either - you keep coming up with ways to screw me - I'll keep coming up with ways to go through it - don't you worry. And I'll tell you what, your little boy Austin's not gonna do it either - you got me? Just keep that in mind." Wait, so Austin is Vince's boy, now? My head hurts.
EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. NEW BROOD (with Gangrel and a burning ring o' far) - This match is the first in the "Terri Runnels Invitational Tournament," apparently. And here *is* TERRI making her way to the commentary area to 'splain it to us. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas lays down law and order by immediately barring Gangrel from the ringside area. Terri says that the team who wins a best-of-five will get $100,000 - and Terri's services. Sounds to me like a hell of an excuse to see these guys wrestle five times!
Terry Taylor is backstage with WWF Head of Security JIM DOTSON - Let Us Take You Back to Unforgiven where Dotson speared Steve Blackman, and then to RAW where Blackman took the kendo stick to Dotson in retaliation. Dotson says he's not looking for a fight--and Blackman drops the cyclone fence set on him and stomps away with lethal kicks. Woo hoo! Blackman sure can beat the tar out of them non-wrestlers!! "Looks like YOU'RE the one that needs Security now!" Wow, he zinged HIM. Blackman wears Nikes, by the way.
Repeated rights from Matt - he appears to have demons in his head or
something ...
You know, I GUESS I can tolerate Young & Moolah hanging around if it means I
get to leer at Ivory in a bra every week...or can I?
[X-pac]'s gonna prove that he still belongs in the land of the (muted)
giants. Speaking of muted giants, Kane says nothin'.
"Mankind does not like having his testicles grabbed by another man. I didn't
like it when I was an Altar Boy and I didn't like it last week!"
TREBLE H is out - I hear he's the game. (Which game? Clue?)
"You know, I was standing backstage listening to this ridiculously unfunny,
unentertaining display between you two idiots - and I came to one conclusion.
Rock, maybe you should accept the marriage proposal of this retard - I mean,
I think that you would be perfect as the woman in a male and male
relationship. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Let's look at the
evidence! Your ridiculous, effeminate hairstyle - your flashy, yet oh so
sassy Versace wardrobe collection - and the worst example of all, your
obsessive fixation with sticking inanimate objects up other male's anusses!
(USA censor tries again, and fails) I mean it seems obvious to me that you
ARE a little - comme ci comme ca (still can't spell it!) - so go ahead! Unite yourselves! That
way you two idiots can get on your horse-drawn carriage, ride off into the
sunset, and never, EEEEEEEEEEEVER waste the time of Y2J or all his
Jerichoholics agayne."
How does Rock know who Juventud is when he has to ask Mankind who Val
Venis is?
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out with a coffee urn shot. (DQ 1:16) -
well, I guess Jarrett had grounds for that attack.
Mankind, wearing his "MICK" jacket, applauds Rock as he WALKS by! Rock gives no
indication that he's aware of any reason for Mankind to be applauding. I have a tie just like Mankind's!
Battledome - is it American Gladiators with better stories? Enquiring
minds want to know, but not if it involves watching!
"Mark Henry's 1st Sex Therapy Session" - I keep waiting for the therapist to follow up "You can trust me" with "along with everybody watching the tape on the other end of this camera." Need I remind you that the therapist is female, attractive, and extremely short-skirted? Mark's first sexual encounter was at age....eight. With..........his sister. "When was the last time you had sex with your sister?" "Day before yesterday." Say, did Vince Russo write this? Bob Ryder likes Russo now, right?
In the locker room, we gaze 'pon the countenance fair of Val Venis - who opens up his fly, pulls out Mr. Rocko, and fondles accordingly. I did NOT need to see that at this point of the night.
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET has supplemented his waders with a slicker
and Barry Windham's kitchen gloves.
To add insult to injury, MAE YOUNG & FABULOUS MOOLAH come out and Jarrett shoves THEM into
the ring. "Two old fat sows wallering in the mud!" Here's THAT SLUT CHYNA come out, putting a foot in Jarrett's back and causing him to flip into the ring. Ho ho ho. I'm sure gonna *miss* quality writing like this...until next month on Nitro...
"Earler this week" JIM ROSS and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN go hunting for the elusive, wily, dangerous...pumpkin. This particular pumpkin has a photo of Triple H fastened to it. That's a baseball-sized hole left in that gourd! Hey, remember when Austin used his bow on a fake deer...and the photo he shot THEN was Jim Ross? That's, like, bad continuity.
Bulldog has a STEEL chair as we take a gander at the (unsponsored)
Double Feature - WHACK! Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda telling Bulldog he's
only gonna let him get away with that thirteen or fourteen more times.
If nothing else, I think we've all learned that there can be no doubt at
all that of all the things a woman can wear there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
sexier than the glossy sheen of her own perspiration. That, and I
definitely don't get out enough...
"For the last two wee--for the last two months, Stone Cold Steve Austin
has been on the sidelines because of one particular asshole...and that
asshole's name just happens to be Triple H!"
Is the censor dead?
Cole says Ross is not a "sports entertainer." BLEAH. What is he, then?
So did Undertaker whisper in the Show's ear that his father had terminal
cancer? Wait, is the Show still a heel? Bossman's a heel, right. So that
makes Show...
Cole: "Those STEEL stage - right into the back of Triple H" - yeah, you
gotta watch those STAGE.
Poor Keshia - from "the cutest Cosby kid" to "no-name bit part on
anti-smoking commercial" in only a few short years...but at least she "knows
what's goin' on!"
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago Where Jarrett shoved the laundry cart,
where it plummetted a good - hmmm - FOUR feet. Somehow, Chyna apparently landed in such a way to bring about a great deal of
fake blood in the head and neck area.
BRITISH BULLDOG & BALD VENIS (with closing credits) v. ROCK & SOCK
CONNECTION (with a tray containing a steaming pile of ... are you SURE Russo
isn't still churning out this stuff?)
Michael King Cole: "Rock's got that tray of dog poop into
the ring - what's he gonna do now? No, he, he, he-no. Bulldog now is up
- oh no - Rock Bottom - Rock - NO! not - not in the dog poop - ROCK
BOTTOM! Into the dog - into the dog poop! The dog poop! The dog poop!
A Rock Bottom in - into the dog poop!"
Rock removes the elbowpad - it's time
- but Bulldog rolls over onto his stomach. His back is ...dirty. Rock
doubleclutches and decides not to soil his elbow. Rock's music plays and he
walks off. I hope Hebner counts him out of the ring and awards the match to
the Bulldog! Here's a replay of the Rock Bottom. I think Bret Hart just got
something to talk about in his Calgary Sun column Friday...
Isn't it strange that UPN doesn't bother to mute out words like "shiznit" and "beyotch" when USA, which I believe is a *cable* network, has real problems with it?
One of the crack camera staff has drawn the short straw and pensively focuses on a door - maybe Austin will WALK through it later!
ONE fan tries a Seminole chant for Faarooq - he's ignored.
Acolytes combine for a neckbreaker/backdrop combo. Somehow, Kane kicks out. WWF Double Feature is the "clothesline from Hell" - yawn. Double powerbomb! 1, 2, NO! Do they have any finishers LEFT? One more double powerbomb - BOTH men cover. 1, 2, 3. Hey! Logic rules this night!
Venis takes the mic and says his dick is really big.
While their music plays, Mideon drools a bit for us, Viscera makes big
scary moves and the ho's fail to scatter because they're not too bright
and don't know the story, I guess.
Want a Free Mr. Socko? Send your cable or satellite bill to the WWF! Or get out a pen and a sock and have it TODAY!!
Finkel tries to explain how he'd really rather be anywhere but here, while Hughes - damn, even when he's smiling his smile is upside-down.
Steve Austin's arrived - he's WALKING into the building! FINALLY some rest for our weary cinematographer!
Here's a look at a photo shoot featuring a fairly naked Terri surrounded by C-notes. "You remember the saying that a picture is worth a thousand words? Well, in this case I think it's more like a HUNDRED thousand words. So guys, fight your hearts out, because to the victors go these spoils..." then she leans back...the only thing is, these hundred dollar bills don't
allow her nipples to poke through, and it's all about the nipples - I mean Benjamins - I mean, NIPPLES!
The music plays and - whoops, there's DE-BRA at the top of the ramp! "Oh, Jeffrey - I have only one thing to say to you - that there's gonna be a new Intercontinental champion at No Mercy - and guess what? It's gonna be a woman." Hey, who let her SPEAK? And why is Cole saying "PUPPIES" louder than Lawler?
Rock's gonna whup up on Triple H's monkey ass while the fans chant his
name, then he'll rectally insert the sledgehammer. Crowd sings along -
this is the new "Rocky Horror Picture Show," you know.
MICHAEL KING COLE is backstage with FABULOUS MOOLAH & MAE YOUNG. Cole tries
to interview Moolah, but Young keeps interrupting. If you're just WAITING for
the brawl to break out, you not only have some specialised tastes in women,
but you're right. Why yes, such a titanic clash can only be settled...in the
ring? Oy.
The doc asks Henry if he's ever had a nice, friendly NONsexual hug? Henry
tries to laugh it off, but she says this is serious. Want to try it? Of
course, the doc is so overcome from the Sexual Chocolateness of it all, that
she succumbs to his ... oh, let's move on.
Mankind: "And so I say to you, DUANE - I say you piss on everything I believe in, I
say PISS on you, you self-centered, egotistical, self-righteous son of a
bitch!"
The Acolytes want to know how Finkel will make things
right. Somebody brings up "Deliverance" - and maybe it's a GOOD thing that we
just kinda break away from this shot...
Mankind's music plays and he removes his jacket - then walks out on the floor next to the ramp, leaving Rock and McMahon in the ring. "The Rock says cut that crappy music!" Is that like
"Simon Says?"
Both men up slowly - punches traded, more for Snow now - Helmsley laces the arms and does his headbutts - count 'em - 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20!! Crowd doesn't know any numbers past ten, of course, and is very confused. H passes out. I smell the patented Sting headbutt to the crotch spot - thank you.
Venis proclaims "this book SUCKS!" and pastes Mankind with it. Oops. Chioda rings the bell. (DQ? 6:59) Wait a miute - if this is a DQ, does that mean Mankind became the #1 Contender?...Cole says Rock is stll #1 Contender. Well that makes NO sense. I mean, it does, but it doesn't. You know? Sounds like they're short a couple writers over there!
Young with CROTCH CHOPS! Unfortunately, that's not an offensive move - rather, it's an OFFENSIVE
move, but there's no offense in it.
"Mark Henry's 5th Sex Therapy Session" is with...the Godfather. I think they just put the kibosh on this storyline. So...what happens to the bit about him sleeping with his sister?
Road Dogg and Steve Austin share a moment backstage. Austin says Rock must be calling the shots if he's got Venis - Dogg says there goes the neighbourhood. Hey Dogg, you weren't exactly living in MainEventLand yourself, there...
Scott Keith: "Hey, I managed to be the first one to get past the WrestleLine censors, with
THREE instances of the word "Fuck" in the Havoc 98 Retro Rant that went up
today."
"MY question is: Who the fuck CARES? Must be the whole Russo/Ferrara thing,
eh? WCW goes "adult," and WrestleLine drops the "F" bomb in celebration. Woo
hoo!"
I was "Mambo No. 4." Really. Not many people know this."
I have it on good authority, by the way, that tonight's show was written by
Kevin Kelly, Terry Taylor and "Joaquin," the late night custodial engineer at
the EntertainmentTowers
Viscera hits his patented Alleged Spinning Heel Kick.
WWF 3-D Attitude comes 23 November! It'll be bigger than the 1988 Super Bowl
Halftime show! Bigger than "Jaws 3-D!" Bigger than "Captain Eo!" Bigger
than...well, actually, NOTHING can be bigger than "Captain Eo."
Let Us Take An Emotional Look At The Heartbreaking Last Few Weeks For The
Big Show - remember when we always watched EVERY show and didn't NEED video
flashbacks? That's a bit like back when the WWF had enough writers to keep
this filler out of our Monday show."
Jim Ross: "You know, what the Bossman has done to the Big Show has nothing to do with
sports entertainment.
Hey, did you see that guy in the corner with the hat, dressed like one of
the Blues Brothers but with coke-bottle glasses instead of sunglasses? That
was Chris. Yup. And you thought Rhode Island wasn't good for anything!
It's he, it's he, it's the same damn spiel I've heard for the better part of
two years.
Jim Ross: "DX is together! DX is together! DX - DX - Dammit dammit! Dammit!"
There's Christian and Edge - and they're WALKING!! Even Edge's *T-shirt* has some scary teeth...
In some Bizarro world, I *still* think this whole "Too Cool" gimmick exists solely to bring back a pissed off Public Enemy. Somehow Christian & Edge walk through the crowd despite the fact that before the break they were walking around backstage...
A look at Dressing Room J shows two ho's leaving, and Mark Henry clad in a towel and a lot of liquid - and then, two ho's entering... they weren't exactly "restaurant quality" if you catch my drift...
X-Pac assures Kane that despite all this DX stuff, you can still count on him, man. They're tight, man. They're bro's. X-pac apologises for Monday's run-in, but it was either him or "the chick," man. Tonight they got the Dudleys, man. It's frickin' payback time, man! Let's do it, man! Maaaaaaaan!
Did you know tonight was the last live THUNDER!? Well, there's one in December, but that's IT, my man. WCW is now gonna tape the Thursday show on Tuesday...wait a minute...Thursday show...taped on Tuesday...hey!
Viscera counters with a double DDT. Finally, a tag for Viscera - can you BELIEVE he's CARRIED this match? Most importantly - HIS PANTS HAVE STAYED ON!!
Mankind is - WALKING - down a hall! And singing "He's Got the Whole World in his Hand." He stops to shout into a locker room - "Blackman! I'll let you know when I find your charisma, buddy!" Man, that's COLD.
Back in the ring, Venis with knees to the elbow. Working the shoulder and barring the arm. Mankind to the ropes to get the break. Mankind firing back with rights - off the ropes, reversal, drop toehold by Venis (Cole: "legsweep") and again going to the armbar.
Backstage, Mankind signs copies of his book. "To Mideon, for God's sake,
wear a shirt man." Meanwhile, Al Snow reads off some of the many insults
Mankind has included in his book...you get the feeling that Snow, just down
the road, MIGHT think about snapping.
THAT SLUT CHYNA has new music and a shirt that says "MASTER." MISS KITTY'S
shirt says "slave." Hmmm. Homoeroticism in pro-wresling that I can feel
*good* about - who'da thunk it?
Holy shit, "Battle Dome" is still on the air?
THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. X-PAC (with a can of
Hansen's Energy Drink) - now the OBVIOUS joke to make is "if he's
romantically involved
with Tori, he MUST be retarded," but I'm not about the obvious jokes - no,
really - I'm
not! I'm guessing that Tori somehow came between the monogamous "buddy buddy"
relationship between X-Pac & Kane - if you catch my drifty drifty.
And there's the broncobuster from X-Pac on Kane - just like old times, eh
'Pac?
I'll bet Tom Berenger STILL thinks they might make "The Substitute II"
and sits by the phone...
Triple H hits a Golota on Vince totake him down, then covers Shane. Hebner is
up - counting - 1, 2, 3. Whew. I didn't REALLY think Shane would get the
belt.....did I? (7:34) H stands over Shane and crotch chops away - then walks over to Vince and
does the same. Ross is all over it with "Was it an accident?" Oh, do we have to go THERE?If
you're like
me, you only have one question: Where the heck was *Viscera*?
BILLIONAIRE VINCE is announced as the special guest ring announcer - Lawler
speculates that "Lilian must have screwed that up" which has the ring of
plausibility to it, but, alas, she got this one right. No more ad breaks
tonight! "Ladies and gentlemen, this next match is for the World Wrestling
Federation Championship. Introducing the current WWF Champion - and
breaking with the tradition - here is Triple H!" See, it's a FUCKIN'
TRADITION. Maybe next time you'll LISTEN to me.
AL SNOW & MANKIND v. HOLLYS (with Scale Holly) for the tag team titles - Your commentators waste no time dissing the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and Wal-Mart for their comments about the Al Snow action figure. Several times we hear "they don't Get It," so I guess Kevin Nash is cutting edge again.
Jim Ross is backstage with the Rock. Rock asks Ross what he meant by saying he hoped McMahon's belt shot on Shane was an accident, what the hell does that mean. Ross offers the same excuses he fed Austin. Rock says if he finds out Ross is blowing smoke, he'll take the ten gallon hat, fill it with monkey piss, turn it sideways, and I've NEVER heard this line before! Why's everybody jumping to McMahon's aid, anyway?
Terri coming over... Christopher GRABS HER ASS! Taylor GETS A PIECE AS WELL! Maybe this isn't THAT exciting, but wouldn't we ALL like to do it?
The crowd, which has been slowly building to a boil, finally erupts, and DX makes "curses! drat!" pantomimes as "No Chance in Hell" plays again. And here's the cherry: VINCE CHOPS HIS CROTCH! HE'S STEALING FROM NASH!! Cole drops a bomb as this segment ends: next Thursday will see AHHHHHNOLD come to SmackDown! Somehow, I bet Cole will find time to mention this again in the course of the next fifty minutes...
LILIAN GARCIA has caught up to [Stevie] Richards backstage - she wants to know what his obsession is with Chyna. Richards really admires her, not only because she's so muscular, athletic and has such great wrestling ability, (and let's not forget the tan) but also because she's a major piece of ass. Why...I think my sensibilities have somehow been offended! This is almost as bad as Al Snow carrying around that dismembered woman's head! Those...those....WOMAN HATERS!!
SKIPPY & THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE & LA ROCA & STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN v. D-GENERATION X in a Survivor Series elimination match - Shane gets the first entrance - notice how the entrance video now has the happy smiley Vince and Shane shots instead of the growling, scowling Vince and Shane shots? That means they're faces now, see?
Triple H: "Now let me get this straight -[pause for "asshole" chant] - I think
we're all in
agreement here that you three are a bunch of screwups - we all agree on that,
hell I agree
on that. You've all made mistakes. But the fact of the matter is here, the only
one that
doesn't make mistakes is me. Because when it comes right down to it, I've
beaten all your
asses, and there has been no mistakes, it has not been an accident, the truth
is plan and
simple - I AM - THAT -DAMN - GOOD."
Triple H tells McMahon that he can talk all he wants about his ass- but THIS
is his ass. Then he moons the camera. Geez, I didn't need THAT. Does Gunn seem to spend an awful long time checking out the merchandise?
Here's a local spot for SmackDown! as well - no Arnold in this one, but we
DO get Jeff Jarrett!
Coming up, we'll lie about Big Show's father!
Bulldog's chyron just says "BULLDOG" so I wonder if they're shortening his
name for our benefit - 'cause "British Bulldog" is just too much to
remember.
Al Snow: "They say my idea of a fun day is a darklonely field and the trunk of
a car, a large stick and a roll of duct tape! My MOM shops at Wal-Mart - she gets calls
all the time
now - she's worried about me - she's actually - I mean, I'm not the most
emotionally stable
guy in the world, I'll admit that - I mean, I do have some problems but my
GOD I'm not a
murderer and I've got my mother - she's concerned about me asking me what I'm
doing
now! This just can't get any worse - this just can't..."
Test says "not only am I marrying the greatest girl in the world - I'm
marrying the
greatest family, too."
Apparently on Thursday, it wasannounced on NBC's "Dateline" (doesn't that
compete
with SmackDown!? No? Oh.) that People magazine had named the Rock the World's
Sexiest Wrestler. I have to take offense - we all know that the World's
Sexiest Wrestler is in fact SILVER KING.
This week's rectal object du jour is a can of Energy filled with monkey piss -
go figure. I
leave it to you to decide what tastes
worse...
See, Tom Berenger has fallen SO FAR he didn't even KNOW that not only had
"Substitute 2" already been made, but ALSO "Substitute 3!" *That's* why he's
still sitting
by the phone waiting for that call I talked about last week and got hundreds
of emails
about! Eh? Eh? Eh.
Apparently on Thursday, it was announced on NBC's "Dateline" (doesn't that
compete with SmackDown!? No? Oh.) that People magazine had named the Rock
the World's Sexiest Wrestler. I have to take offense - we all know that the
World's Sexiest Wrestler is in fact SILVER KING.
Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice, Al Snow, via cel phone, tries to
convince his mother that Aunt Doreen died of natural causes. "Look...I even
stopped at Wal-Mart and tried to buy my doll today and I couldn't buy it,
but I could buy a shotgun and live ammo...no, I am not going to go kill
somebody...(at least not yet)." He stops the call as Mankind has appeared
with gifts to turn his frown upside-down. A copy of WWF: the Music (Volume
4) - and also a mannequin's head. "You're gonna give me--" "Hey, no! What
I'm doing is I'm presenting you with a reasonable facsimile of a woman's
skull." "That means you're gonna give me--" "Waaaait! What I'm doing is I'm
presenting you with a mannequin's cranium!" "Right, you're gonna give me--"
"Aaaah!! All right Al, I am gonna give you head. You happy now?" "You know
what, that shows you're a real friend - because a real friend will give
another friend--" "Shut up, Al!" Al is all smiles.
You know, not only did Paul Wight's father die YEARS ago, but *they're not
really hitting each other!*
TOO COOL v. HOLLYS (with Scale Holly) - Too Cool gets mic time and drops some
science for y'all, yo. In the back of my mind, I'm STILL waiting for Public
Enemy to come
out and kick BOTH their asses.
Triple H to the...ABDOMINAL STRETCH? Yow. All that's left is for Triple H to
grab the
top rope for leverage...and following a few rib shots, that's exactly what he
does. Shane
actually spies this the first time (he's a REFEREE?)
Are you ready? It's time for D-GENERATION X to come to the ring. I'm apparently the ONLY online reportin' guy watching RAW that didn't immediately think of the word "rape" during last Monday's show, where DX had an obviously not-Stephanie, obviously fully clothed...but missing one shoe...well, let's listen...
There's the limo - it's HIM! Schwarzenegger fauns over WWF for Vince, Patterson and Brisco faun over Schwarzenegger. And man, it's hard not to think about Hans & Franz listening to Schwarzenegger greeting the Three Musketeers..."Ja, ja, let us go und see de Schmackdaun, und dann I vill pump (clap) you up"
IVORY (with her incredibly annoying scarf) v. TORI for the Women's championship - backstage, we see DX WALKING the halls looking for Ah-nold. Sunday, Ivory, Jacqueline, Terri and Luna team up against Tori, Mae Young, Fabulous Moolah and Debra in a one-fall sudden death match. I am experiencing fear.
Coming up, as we check out the mourning party, footage of the Big Show's father's funeral - "horrific, heinous, you just cannot believe what you're gonna see here...it was awful." "It was an atrocity." Geez, did anybody consider that maybe they could actually make a decisision to NOT SHOW IT, THEN??? JEE-ZUS.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is WALKING! And there's the Rock. And there's a private moment between the two. Rock says it might be the End of Days for Triple H. Schwarzenegger says he smells what he's cooking - and just between us, there's a lot of jabrones in Hollywood, too. Rock says "hasta la vista, baby" and can we MAKE this sound any more forced. I thought these guys were PROFESSIONALS!!
"I am here...to pump you up!" Oh great, now
I'M stealing from him. "Arnold, in recognition of your status as the
undisputed heavyweight box office champion of the world, it is my pleasure
on behalf of WWF fans all over the world to present to you this World
Wrestling Federation championship belt. Arnold, of course, proudly
displays the belt...upside down. I can't help but notice that it's one of
the "old logo" belts...but it would be CYNICAL of me to point out that
Vince kinda had this thing lying around, with nothing better to do with
it...so I won't say that it's not like...no, never mind. Watching Arnold
give an acceptance speech, I'm drawn to the cleavage of that one chick in
the front row. Whoops.
Vince McMahon: "And if I were a member of DX, I'd be thinking about paying for my crime
- I'd be
thinking about...if I were somebody by the name of X-Pac, whether I could do
the time.
And if I were someone by the name of Mr. Ass, I'd REALLY be worried about
doin' time.
And Road Doggy Dogg, if you and your other
members of DX go to jail, I'm just
afraid
that you're REALLY gonna know what Doggy Style is all about."
Tom Berenger! Come ON! Tom Berenger!
Chyna also produces some birth control pills, some Tampax - and of course,
what would RAW be without douche?
CHRISTIAN & EDGE v. TOO COOL - Taylor says "weez" a lot - I immediately think of Sherman Helsmley. Christopher says a lot of other stuff that a white man has no business saying.
When we come back, Stephanie is still opening gifts - and Test is still playing videogames. Stephanie finds a stuffed frog and a note - "your gift's waiting in the limo, so hop to it." Test actually TEARS HIMSELF away from that videogame, saying he'll go get it. We follow Test all the way outside - and good thing, too, as DX is waiting outside in ambush. I hope Stephanie isn't watching this on a monitor! Oh, wait, the N64 is pre-empting that. Okay. Test stuffed into the trunk of a car - Mr. Ass takes the wheel and drives off. Triple H mutters "Hope that wasn't too personal..." Did X-Pac say "what a rush?"
HARDCORE HOLLY (with Crash & Scale Holly) v. WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW for the WWF Championship - you know, feeding a steady diet of midcarders to the Champion isn't exactly the sort of strategy that's warmed us up to folks in the past - remember Goldberg v. Al Greene as a Nitro main event? I'm just saying is all.
Oooh, the dreaded CARDBOARD BOX! That's GOTTA hurt! Popcorn - equally painful. Lawler offers "that salt can burn your eyes" - nice try. The deadly BOX OF STRAWS! The SODA! And now they're in the restroom - oops, it's the men's room - complete with two guys pissin'. Ivory seems a little taken aback that she's broken the fourth wall. Taking out the cameraman, she finds the other two back at the concession stand. And now they're in the food prep area. There's a tray of pretzels. Coincidentally, THIS *MATCH* IS THE PRETZELS!
Jericho with a bulldog. Lionsault! 1, 2...3?!? Holy CRAP! (:43) Jericho asks referee "Blind" Teddy Long to raise his hand - twice. Jericho is LANGUISHING in the midcard! He should have beaten Henry in TWENTY SECONDS!! It's just so UNFAIR!
Meanwhile, Chris Jericho commandeers the cameraman and drags him over to a dark
room...where Chyna is duct taped to a chair. "No matter what happens, keep
filming. You
understand me, eh? This isn't too funny of a situation, is it Chyna? It's not
as funny as
walking to the ring with some hedge clippers, maybe? Making some penis jokes
with your
little buddy? It's not so funny anymore, is it - not as funny as causing me to
lose another
match in front of millions of people and embarrassing me again? Not as funny as
embarrassing me like you did yesterday? Huh?" Jericho's pretty much gone plum
loco. Last
night was much more than a loss...he lost his career. Nine years! He still
hears the ringing
of the bell in his head. What he wants is for her to admit to the world that
last night he was
better than her and that he should be the Champion - not her. "Tell them! You
understand
me?! TELL THEM!" "Screw you, Chris." Jericho brandishes a hammer and demands
again. Chyna says she won't lie to him. "You do what you have to do." "I guess
you called
my bluff - I guess you are the better - I could never - I could never hit a
defenseless person's...hand - I guess you really are the better person, I
could never-" then he
BREAKS HER HAND, demanding that the camera operator film it and get it on tape.
Well, actually he completely misses her hand, and you can TOTALLY tell thanks
to the
lights and the contrast of white tape and blackglove and black other object
that really gets
hit, but, you know, they're ACTING, see, so...
Shane's afraid his father's gonna do something stupid. (Now THERE'S astraight
line.)
Hardcore Holly: "As much as you people like to listen to me talk, I don't have
time for any
one of you right now. Now Al Snow, YOU are a complete idiot. YOU are the reason
why Wal-Mart have pulled MY dolls off their shelf. So now, all my
Hardcore Holly fans out
there are gonna have the worst Christmas of their lives! And what's Christmas
without a
Hardcore Holly doll? There ain't no Christmas, ain't that right Crash?" "This
is making me
sick!" "It'll be okay...So Al, you can go around mutilating people, cuttin'
people's heads off
- hey that's fine and dandy - that's YOUR business. Hey, I can forgive you for
something
like that. But when you affect the sales of my merchandise - I CAN'T forgive
you."
Godfather's just a fun loving guy who loves to have fun. AND SMOKE WEED.
When we come back, it's a scene from the bridal shower - Mae Young and
Moolah sent Stephanie handcuffs, a leather mini and bikini top, and a whip
(which Linda confiscates...got ideas?).
One World Leader Attitude - TV-MA-LSV - WWF! Hold the phone ... TV-MA? Someone gettin' NEKKID?
Show, meanwhile, has come back and there's a totally unnecessary ahhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM for the pin. (3:24) And perhaps the best part is Show never removed his shirt!
Our two Pilgrim women bring out a table. Cole says this is an "annual World Wrestling Federation tradition." Hey Cole, there's only one annual WWF tradition around this time, and it's SURVIVOR SERIES. That is, until five years ago...
Back with DX and the homeless homies. DX is eating and the homeless guys aren't. One guy asks where the silverware is, and Triple H flies into a mock rage and throws all the bums out. Wow! WHAT A PAYOFF!!
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S
KANE (with Tori) v. BIG BOSSMAN & VISCERA - and we're right into a MATCH?
What show IS this?
ALL RIGHT HERE ON THE GREATEST SITE IN THE WORLD...WHATEVER
SITE YOU'RE READING THIS ONRIGHT NOW!
Here's a Special Video Look at Test & Stephanie's Romance - which has
lasted all of...what, just under six months? Now THAT'S a shotgun wedding!
Would someone PLEASE tell me what the HECK "but fate interceded on love's
behalf" is supposed to mean? Tonight will be a night we will all remember
... but WHY?
Let Us Take You To the Bachelorette Party from Las Vegas - where
everybody's drinking - well, looks like Mae & Moolah have Kool-Aid - thank
God for that - there was a point to this segment but it escaped me - must
be because I'm a MAN
Here's a Special Look Back at that Bachelorette Party - complete with Carlos
the Electrician, a male stripper - with whom Moolah & Young walk off. It really
DOES get better the more times we go back to it! Wow! I hope we get three or four more
of these
tonight! In a few hours, I'll have five or six emails asking me why I'm
being such a WCW
shill!
You know, I hope that I'LL get married one day - and on that day, I hope
that approximately an hour beforehand I too will have a wrestling match
with Triple H.
Cole now invites out that EMT. And out comes - and her name is - oh boy
- are you
ready? BARBARA BUSH. Geez, let's call her "Patty Pussy" while we're at it.
"Vickie Vagina." She comes out...not wearing a string of pearls. All her friends call
her "BB," oh, isn't that great? "Snookie Snatch."
"Sandy Slit."
At Armageddon, Kurt Angle takes on Steve Blackman in a "WWF rewards CRZ for
his
years of loyalty" match - I say this because no one could POSSIBLY care about
this
matchup but me - but I'LL go ga-ga for it. Give it SIX stars, Scott! The only
problem
is...I can't root for one guy or the other - I mean, Angle is the
"undefeated" guy, so we
probably know HOW it'll end...but...man, who's the face in this match? The
answer, of
course, is BOTH MEN! I LOVE IT!
Is it just me or is NOBODY from the Union in thewedding party? The Union? Eh?
Eh? The Union? Remember....aw screw it.
"Here Comes the Bride" leads BILLIONAIRE VINCE & STEPHANIE McMAHON to the
ring. Stephanie wears white? I dig that "Test - Just say No" sign right
behind the priest. If you're looking for a transcription of THIS, go find
some report written by a woman, 'cause I'm just waiting for something
INTERESTING to kick in here
I think that'll do nicely. I ALSO think we probably could have done without
some of the
chick stuff and also wrapped this up before twelve after, but...ahh, why
quibble. As
Hannibal would say, "I love it when a plan comes together." If you didn't come
out of this
last segment reminded of just WHY you watch this show, I guess you'll just
have to write
me with accusations of bias - as far as I'm concerned, you'll be wrong, but
hey - maybe
you'll feel better.
VISCERA v. KANE - Kane with "what an enzuigiri," Viscera with "what a belly-to-belly," and I think we all know that there's no need to bother.
D'LO BROWN v. BRITISH BULLDOG (with Mean Street Posse) for the European Championship - D'Lo wearing a LUGZ T-shirt. Ewwww. D'Lo says that everybody knows who the best European champion is, and it's the only guy to hold it four times. He's the only guy who brought PRESTIGE to the title - he's gonna take his size 13 Lugz and stick 'em where the sun don't shine. Lugz? D'Lo better DIVIDE AND CONQUER with four men walking his way!
Here's another look at Stephanie - a limo arrives...it's Triple H! Hey there's one of those creepy Aphex Twin facial expressions from Triple H - excellent! "Honey... I'm home!"
Angle goes into his celebratory histrionics, while Blackman - LOOKS ON! WOW! No, apparently, the gist is that Blackman doesn't know what to make of all this. Cole says Blackman won the match wtih his kicks - yer damn right - and Lawler offers, "he's just shocked to be so close to greatness!"
CRASH HOLLY (with Hardcore & Scale Holly) v. RIKISHI (with Too Cool) - Hardcore joins our pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE and JERRY LAWLER - at the commentary table. Rikishi comes to the ring with Too Cool's music instead of his cool music - also he's lost his last name. Crash gets first blow, and that's about it. Rikishi stole the Diamond Cutter! Anyway...oh, it's over. (Sitout piledriver -> pin :52) Very impressive for Rikishi to hoist the 505 pounds of Crash on his shoulder like that. NOW IS ZE TIME ON SHMACKDOWN VENN VE DAHNSE!
Ross calls Jeff "the scintillising Matt Hardy," so not only did he
misidentify him, but he INVENTED A NEW ENGLISH WORD! GO ROSS!
X-Pac tells Steph that the Outlaws are already in the shower - why doesn't
she go ahead, he'll be there in a minute. "Hey! That's my wife, man!"
Stephanie again tries to be serious as X-Pac and H cover their mouths to
hide their big ol' grins. Triple H got what he wanted, he drove Vince nuts.
It's over! Please sign the papers! "Okay, okay, in all seriousness - are we
gettin' in the shower or not?" Again, H calls her back pretending to be
serious. You know what's funny about this? She falls for it EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Fabulous Moolah & Mae Young are on their way to the Billboard Music Awards
- Young is wearing a backwards cap and spilling a 40. "Mae what are you
doing?" "I'm pouring it for my homiez!" "Why don't you save that for
Wednesday night for the Billboard Music Awards?" "Word." "Don't you know
your favourite band is going to be there, DMX?" "Where's mah dogs at!" "Oh
Mae, please, you one crazy ol' cracka."
Triple H: "Now Steph, I understand you're a McMahon, you're hot-headed - but, you
know I called you out here with all intents and purposes of signing these
annulment papers..." checking out her can "...but now that I get a look at
you standing out here, I'm ... startin' to get all warm and fuzzy inside -
especially from certain angles! Steph, I - I just... Steph you don't know
how much you mean to me - I mean, it just won't be the same without you in
my life! How can I kick your father's ass without you sitting there
watching? Who can I get in their face and laugh to, if not you? I mean,
Steph...YOU ... complete ... ME."
Backstage, Vince, Gerald and Patrick are talking - Mankind appears - he's
got a daughter himself, so he can emphathise. Yeah, Mick, what is she, six?
I'm sure you have to deal with drugged marriages all the time with her.
"No! Chyna, you don't understand - I don't wear underwear!" "Well, Kitty
you're just gonna have to win, aren'tcha?" Ivory mouths "no panties?" and
has a rather priceless look. Chyna's a strange one - obviously she's got
these lesbian leanings, and yet she didn't seem to know that Kitty didn't
wear underwear - so what exactly do they DO all they in those
"Master" & "slave" shirts?
Big Bossman: "Hey Paul Wight! You're a nasty bastard! And your momma said so!"
"Steph, I just want you to know that I will always care about you." Hey, they're gonna kiss! Oh, but X-Pac busts in - "Hohoho! Hey what are you doin' with my best friend's wife, man?" Test says this is a private situation - yeah, between him, Stephanie and this camerman.
Here we are at a club - the X Change? Does it matter? Guess not. What DOES matter is who's IN this house - Too Cool and Rikishi. Grandmaster Sexy says it's on like neckbone - hey! That's Booker T.'s line! Hey, Rikishi shouldn't be smoking - should he?
"WWF SmackDown is sports entertainment featuring trained professionals. Any attempt to perform the moves or stunts you see tonight could result in serious physical injury." (But probably not - go ahead, kids!)
Kevin Kelly interview MISS KITTY, who just KNOWS she's gonna win this. Kelly openly stifles laughter, then asks about her gown on Sunday. Kitty says this is serious business, and after she wins the title, they're not gonna call her Miss Kitty - they're gonna call her the Cat. What, and she'll be a three-time world karate champion? Kelly tells her she better wear some underwear Sunday. Kitty rips (claws?) off his shirt to show what the Cat can do. Or something. Kelly's wearing a T-shirt underneath, disappointing millions of women - and three guys.
Meanwhile, back in the club, it's Rikishi's turn. But he's not down with Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock, so Grandmaster produces a "WWF: The Music (Volume 4) CD. The original Too Cool theme plays (hmmm, I don't recall that being on MY copy - must be my fuzzy memory) - Rikishi and some fine lookin' women essentially do a line dance, then some clothes are removed so we can look at Rikishi's ass. As Rikishi heads over to the bar to get a drink, he's hit from behind with Scale Holly (as wielded by Hardcore and Crash Holly). Funny how the music stops right when he's hit, isn't it?
Gunn whips Rock, reversed, and another collision with Hebner. Rock with a spinebuster. People's elbow? Yup. 1, 2, 3. (1:59) I haven't seen a match that crappy in ... at LEAST a half an hour!
Oh, Stephanie's done something with her hair - one o' them hot curler
frizzy things. Not worth mentioning, really. Oh, wait, I just did. Ahh.
Steph McMahon - "oh oh, and by the way? Dad, just so you know...*Triple H
really turns me on.*" Wow, I'm getting all hot!
"The Rock says who are you two roody poos?" "You should know by know
that we are the D-D-D-D--"
"I-I-I-I-IT DOESN'T MATTER..." and Rock strikes.
Edge walks over to the door (YOU COULD HAVE JUST WALKED OUT THE FUCKIN'
DOOR THE WHOLE TIME?!?)
Say it with me - JIGGLYPUFF!
It's he, it's he, it's that D. O. Dubba G. Mr. Ass frenches a couple
young boys at ringside - that's SICK! Oh wait, those are his sons (Broke
Ass & Tired Ass).
I'm sorry, but that whole last bit was a TOTAL letdown. Oops, I mean
WWF is great! The best! Whew, that was close!
Tori busts in on the Helmsleys and complains about the pudding match - as well as the spontaneous Triple Threat match for Kane. To me, Tori, the "epitome of humiliation" is walking around in THAT outfit! She demands NO MORE HUMILIATION. Stephanie decides to book Tori in a match with...Stephanie. Hunter asks what the hell's up with THAT and it's ad break time once again...
MANKIND v. AL SNOW (with TV-PG-DLV) a NHB match - Mankind doing that Tomahawk chop thing on his way to the ring - hey, he IS a suckup!
Wild swing ducked, to the ropes, Edge shrugged off, Christian tries a body scissors, Edge drops down 1, 2, and bridges back - 1, bell rings... Huh? (3:54) Well, apparently Christian's shoulders were down for BOTH pin attempts. That was actually pretty nifty - even if Christian's shoulders were actually UP on the first count (as the replay shows). Blame it on the rookie ref "Blind" Chad Patten.
For an encore, Joey Abs and Pete "Gas" come back in so Faarooq can go apeshit on THEM too. TOMAHAWK CHOP! TOMAHAWK CHOP! FAAROOQ IS THE MAN, SO HIT YOUR KNEES AND START PRAYIN'! This crowd is AWESOME. I'm just grinning all over the place here. Even if ECW *did* kinda ruin it for me, though - I can't hear that war cry without thinking "Yooouuuuu really suck....yooooooouuuu really suck...."
When we come back, Triple H and Stephanie chew out Jim Ross for his comments of the previous segments. Stephanie tries to get Ross to say "bitch," and when he fails to comply, she SMACKS him one. Even his hat fell off!
Viscera makes the "nuts to this" hand motion and walks back up the ramp as Rikishi sets up Hardcore for the Banzai Drop. 1, 2, 3. (6:08) Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance! Just for fun, the entire audience is led in "American Males" synchronous applause. What do Rikishi Phatu and George Michael have in common?
Dogg produces some brass knux and punches hard. In the ring, meanwhile, Gunn is kicking away on Brisco, but there's a TEXTBOOK fireman's carry takeover by Brisco. But Dogg's still there. Pumphandle - Gunn hits a Fame'Asser and that's it for Brisco. 1, 2, 3. (2:00) You know, for what it was...bring on Zbyszko and Anderson!
Have I mentioned the pretty green patina given the chyron scaffolding
tonight? How many people need that sentence clarified, you think? Heh heh.
Cactus Jack clips...
Cactus Jack: "In the words of Popeye the sailor, 'I stands all I can stands, and I can't
stands no more!' "
Cactus Jack: "until now I've stayed silent - sure, I've wrapped a trash can around
your buddies' heads but I've kept my mouth shut"
How cool and leggy is Stephanie?
"Wait, did I just get my ass kicked by the Mean Street Posse? That's
embarrassing!"
What's the deal with this ad? The evil clowns kidnap the elves and
then get all pissy with the Santa because he can't convince the kid who
wants a bicycle for Christmas that he'd really rather have videogames
instead? Is that basically it? What am I not getting here?
"Okay - gentlemen have hit the
floor - ladies, start removing - Terri...SHOES are not considered clothing
- so let's get to takin' off the dresses! Come on, we don't have all day,
I'm sure if you just grab the bottom and pull it will come off over your
head. Go. Your JOBS are on the line." Both women remove their dresses to
reveal the standard bra and panties - and I can't TELL you how happy I am
that Michael Hayes is sitting in for Jerry Lawler this week. "I am a god
among men - continue."
Triple H: "Hey, I will let you in on it - THAT was magnificent! And what's that old
Christmas carol, 'Do You See What I See?' No you don't! Because you're a
bunch of idiots, and I'm the only one that gets the show!"
NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! You know, Scott Taylor would
make a good No Limit Soldier...
Hey, is that WALKER, the TEXAS RANGER? Nah, probably not
RIKISHI PHATU (by himself? - no, with the Interrupting Orange Lighting Treatment) v. VISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSCERA - Good God, Cole actually referred to it as the "OvalTron!" Sometimes I just STUMBLE into the correct parlance - or they're stealing from me - hmmm. (By the way, it's on the left this week.)
Let Us Take You Back to RAW where DX provided just a smidgen of assistance to help Al Snow score the pinfall in the Brahma bullrope match - if, by smidgen, you mean "a Fame-Asser."
There's a DDT! Rock covers - we wait for referee "Blind" Chad Patten to get in - 1, 2, NO! Rock decides to climb the cage (but the DOOR!) - Snow over and crotching him. Snow with the chair - to the head! Cover - ref in, 1, 2, no. JUST GO OUT THE DOOR!!!!!! Snow to the corner, he's going to climb again (sigh) - now he's over...oh, but Rock's got the hair. Rock punching away, but Rock still holds onto the hair. Got him back inside the cage. This is like EVERY CAGE MATCH EVER.
ERNEST MILLER (with That Slut Chyna) v. IVORY for the Women's championship - Kat leaves the ring...and Chyna gets in. Ivory seems a little taken aback...then decides to go for it. She throws a right, but Chyna catches it. Taking her down with a clothesline. Here's a Pedigree. Now calling to Kat to come in. Kat mounts Ivory - 1, 2, 3. (1:31) Chyna and the Kat with a CHEST BUMP! Well, at least SOMEBODY here used their....brains?
WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW v. MANKIND for the WWF Championship - Stephanie joins the commentary team and is generally annoying, so let's not talk about it. Screw tradition, let's bring the champ out first!
HHH: "tonight Big Show, you WILL, because we order you to, step into this
ring with the singest - singest, is that a word? - the single greatest athlete in the World Wrestling
Federation today - the greatest wrestler of all time - you will help me to complete the ultimate plan, as right
here, in the middle, I lay your big goofy ass down"
The Bangers have put on women's clothing and no doubt hang around in
bars. (They are lumberjacks and they're okay.)
Chris Jericho: "Welcome to RAW is Jericho! And I was just listening to your list of
problems and grievances that you have with all my Jerichoholics, and I have
a solution - and that solution is to SHUT THE HELL UP. But finally, Al
Snow, tomorrow people WILL be acknowledging you - they WILL be talking about the greatest moment
of '99 - they'll be talking about the night that Al Snow was brutally
beaten by the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah."
Jerry Lawler: "Chyna just gave Al Snow Head!"
Now I don't want to alarm anybody, but in the graphic for this match during
the "Walker: Tejas Ranger" promo, it was the Big Bossman and not Prince
Albert teaming with Ivory. We shall all ponder the meaning of this
now...okay, that was fun.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where Test set Tori off with an
arm around the shoulder - then Tori told Kane that Test violated her. Then
Kane said "Yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Then I laughed. Then I felt bad about
laughing. But not much.
Mark Henry is spent - Mae Young is smoking a cigar - and then in another
bed Moolah wants to know what happened to good old-fashioned American sex -
emerging from under the covers, Harvey Wippleman is shaking and smiling a
lot. Well, shit - now I'm sterile.
WHILE I'M HAVING FUN WITH THE FRANCHISE: Wanna enjoy a highlight of 1999 right here on WrestleLine? Hit this link here, which is WrestleLine's Japan schedule. Shockingly, it's the EXACT SAME SCHEDULE they had up on 1 July!! WrestleLine: TOTALLY committed to providing a home for the fans of the international stuff. Honestly, between WrestleLine's international section, and MiCasa's WMTV section, we had a whole year's worth of unchanging, static, EMBARRASSING pages out there. Hey Mike, remember that picture of British Bulldog, Alex Wright, and Disco Inferno from Fall Brawl '98 that was there until they shut down the old WM site? I used to click on that once a week just to make sure it was still there. Brought a sense of stability to my life, it did.
Stephanie says if he DOES succeed in injuring Hardy, there's a bonus in it for him. Snow says he'd be happy to cripple Jeff Hardy - because it means HE'S GOT MICK'S SPOT! HE'S GOT MICK'S SPOT! Snow keeps shouting while Stephanie and Hunter silently convey to each other that THAT guy is cuckoo.
Snow with the chair - he's gonna Pillmanize him! Snow climbs the turnbuckles while Terri gets on the apron. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas trying to remove the chair and Snow's unhappy about it. Before Snow can come off the top, MATT HARDY comes out with a chair and WHACKS Snow one - Jeff covers - 1, 2, 3. (4:58) Here's a replay. Hardy wins this match - but it's entirely possible the damage has been done - Cole's assertion to the contrary notwithstanding...
Classic Mick Foley: "WWF Champion" - from "RAW is WAR" a year ago next week...it's STILL amazing that not only did Earl Hebner NOT see Austin conk the Rock with a chair, but he apparently also didn't hear Austin's theme playing over the PA...not that any of this mattered then.
So Wippleman comes in - removes his jacket AND shirt (kill me now), and puts a finger on Hardcore's chest. Now actually, you'd think that this type of brazen chutzpah would appeal to the Big Shot, but no - he gives him a tremendous atomic drop that really looked painful - good sell, Harvey No-H. I think I can sum up this segment with three words - "kill me now."
Weird - in this "Dilbert" ad, they say "after 'Shasta McNasty'" when CLEARLY it's just "Shasta" now - no WONDER these guys are in fifth place.
Classic Mick Foley: "Rock: This Is Your Life" - sure it got at 8.4, but it was SO painful to sit through. Listen to all that Lex Luger music!!
"And you make no mistake about it, jabrone - don't you ever, and the Rock means EVER, come at the Rock and ask him a question like that again, or else the Rock will knock your teeth so far down your throat, you'll stick a toothbrush up your ass to brush 'em!" Why don't they ever do that to Mike Wallace? Or, hey...Jim Gray! Anyway, you know the Rock's serious because he forgot to ask Hayes if he smelled what the Rock was cookin'.
Show blades somewhere in here (.2 Muta) and DX continues to have their way with him. There's a Fame'Asser on the chair - here's a broncobuster - I'm guessing Dogg's too hurt to do HIS spot, so let's go straight to the Pedigree. X-Pac covers - 1, 2, 3. (6:20) - Stephanie sidles down to the ring - yeah, that leather miniskirt and business tie combo works for me - especially with the boots, yo! X-Pac: "It's GREAT to have a job!" Triple H: "You see, it's as simple as this - if you mess with us - you've got two choices - you either get your ass kicked, or..." Steph: "...you get your ass FIRED!" There's another embrace betwixt the newlyweds (no kiss - let's keep it TV-PG! Blood's okay but KISSING is where I draw the line!!) - there's the credits - and we're out.
You are a lifesaver CRZ and if you lived in my town I'd back you cookies.
You'd back me cookies? I don't know what that means...
Let Us Take You Back to last week's Nitro where Bischoff celebrated,
Flair challenged, Bischoff accepted, the doctor denied, Bischoff denied,
Flair stood in the ring, Bischoff tried to run away, the Horsemen
dragged,
Giant turned the tide, Savage walked out, Savage turned twice in ten
seconds,
Flair put on the figure four, Bischoff gave up, Flair elbowdropped for
a pin for good measure, and everybody did the dance of joy. This
set of clips eats up five minuts.
THIS is the SuperNitro?
You know, Glacier just hasn't been the same since James van
den Berg got a hold of his ancient helmet.
Tony: "There's no question WCW is back!" Where'd they go?
WHO IS YOUR DADDY NORMAN SMILEY (yellow) v. CHAVO GUERRERO,
JR. (con Pepe) ... Go see last week's play-by-play, it's more
exciting anyway, 'cause Smiley dances a whole lot more.
Larry: "I was never one of the high flyers - I liked
wrestling on the mat." I like when Larry reminds us of his
seventeen-minute chinlocks.
Camera still following Goldberg - apparently there's a police
precinct RIGHT across the street from the CNN Center. They're
going to Room 3! OH NO! He's still in cuffs. Will they let
the camera in? Wow, this is just like "COPS!" ... "Jack, you
know me, this ain't me. You guys go ahead and do your job - I
ain't gonna pay for this." Goldberg is ELECTRIFYING! Hey!
MENTOS ad!
Jimmy Barron with another pointless Nitro Party segment.
"Free Goldberg! I'm drunk! Ooooooo!"
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Whisper can't dance, but she sure
can wear them ass-hangin'-out-outfits, yo.
The LWO wants to show you how the homies party. This
particular vignette wins the award as "Most Racist Segment in
Recent History." Apparently, Eddie steals all the mamacitas
while Dandy, Damien, and Silver King get pissed off. AND THEN
HE CRASHES HIS CAR!!!!! Oh, sorry, he doesn't really.
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! SuperBrawl will once again strike the
Bay Area in '99. Can't wait. (to watch it at home)
THUNDER! ad. What the hell is Hogan doing in this ad? Even if he weren't
retired, he don't work on Thursdays!
"Fans, as Hollywood Hogan walks away
and you look at forty thousand plus on hand, if you're even THINKING about
changing the channel to our competition, fans, do not, because we
understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is
gonna win their World title - hoh! That's gonna put some butts in the
seats, hyeh." And I know, I KNOW, you're expecting me to dignify this
with a response.
Sorry.
Since we still have that camera at the precinct, let's go see
Jack deliver the good news of Liz dropping the charges to
Goldberg. "Take these cuffs OFF of me. Take me to the dome."
Wow, it took (checking watch) TWENTY minutes from the time
Liz dropped the charges to the time they told Goldberg!
There's only one explanation for this strange occurence:
every television at the precinct must have been tuned to RAW!
Tony tries one more time to get me to go off. "If you're thinking about
changing channels to our competition, we want to let you know that unlike
us, they've got their show in the can, their show's been taped - later
tonight, Mick Foley, who's once wrestled here as Cactus Jack, is gonna win
their world title. I mean - that's gonna be their World Champion - ha, ha!
... I mean, we're here live every night, they're not." I think he added
"except opposite Thursdays, Saturdays, and WorldWide" under his breath, but
you couldn't hear it.
Fans, as Hollywood Hogan stands in the centre of the ring and you look at
forty thousand plus on hand, if you even THOUGHT about changing the channel
to our competition, fans, please do, because I understand that Hollywood
Hogan, who wrestled there one time as Hulk Hogan, is gonna win the World
title - hoh! That's gonna put some butts in the seats, hyeh. I mean -
that's gonna be their World Champion - ha, ha!
Last week, about a MILLION people wrote me to tell me that Buff wasn't
doing a Flair dance, it was a "Dirty Bird" Falcons dance, and that they
were making fun of DAN REEVES' heart problems. Is is just that I make so
few glaring errors that when I do, there's a RUSH of people who are DYING
to tell me I'm wrong? Still, I thank you for the corrections
Cat is doing the kicks with the karate and all.
Jericho has brought a frumpy frock to the ring with him and as
Dickinson
looks on and makes no attempt to stop him, Jericho tries to put it in
Saturn.
Dickinson actually LEAVES the ring. Hey, you know what would be perfect
here? WRESTLING REFS!
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you through the kind
courtesy of Wendy's Super Value Menu. I DARE you to go into a Wendy's,
order a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, and offer to give them a penny for
it.
Say "keep the change." Then when they give you a look, tell them "but up
there it says .99c - isn't that 99/100 of a cent?" Then tell them to TRY
to be a little more careful about stupid promotional blunders.
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! I got an email telling me
not to make fun of Whisper anymore. But LOOK at her!
Chavo and Gene lead the crowd into a singing of "Happy
Birthday to You" to Pepe - oh for the love of - well, THAT
OLD BLACK MAGIC NORMAN SMILEY comes out to stop the song.
Smiley says he's hurt that the party was planned without him,
and he wants to make amends with Pepe. Now, of course, you
can't say no to a guy with a cool accent, but Chavo manages
to decline.
We go backstage to see Smiley riding Pepe. Apparently, he
ALSO thinks Pepe is real. Good Lord, there's a WOOD CHIPPER
out there. That Norman Smiley thinks of EVERYTHING. Well,
it's always a shame when they die on their birthday. Rest in
peace, Pepe.
Tony isn't sarcastic here, but he sums up tonight on Nitro,
and WCW in general: "Well, Eric Bischoff is putting up the ring, we've
tried to put a dress on Saturn, we've sung happy birthday to a stick horse
and destroyed him, what's next? Oh *I* know what, let's check in on
Raven!"
Hmm, I wonder who's gonna win THIS one. (Harlem
sidekick -> pin 3:55) Well, it took three matches and 90 minutes, but
here's your clean finish.
WCW/NWO Magazine ad - exciting coverage of Hogan's retirement! (Oops.)
Slam, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, this
is the most action I've EVER seen from Luger.
One more shot of the Treacherous Three - Tony asks how, I
Flair is in charge of the company, we have to still watch
clips like that last one. Oh oh, Tony is trying to become his
own man! Quick, feed him a stupid line and MAKE him say it!
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week's Nitro and the most exciting main
event EVER. Go read last week's report, I'm not gonna relive it for your
entertainment - much as I love you. I will point out that last week I
missed Steiner getting egged, so I'll mention it this week. After the show went
off the air, a lot of Atlanta Falcons joined Goldberg in the ring (hey,
where were those guys while he was gettin' his ass kicked?)
Clip from a very early THUNDER! where Giant demolishes the ring -
THAT was cool. And then we never saw that set again. Boy they're really
building up the Giant to make Nash look good when he squashes him.
Page has walking pneumonia - which must explain why he's
walking so funny. Page walks out through the crowd, 'cause
he's a suck-up. In the process, he infects about 144 and
there will probably be 3 deaths by pneumonia as a result,
take THAT - BANG!
Let Us Take You Back to "Earlier Today" as Eric Bischoff
helps set up the ring - ha ha, that Klondike Bill is sure an
ornery fella. This segment goes on for like four hours.
ANOTHER ad break! Next time, put this in the middle of the Steiner/Page
match for God's sake.
WCW/NWO Bruise Cruise '99 promo. Get your picture taken with
DOUG DELLINGER!
Replay shows Wrath grab a fistful of ass while Disco Inferno passes
the taser to Hall.
This portion of the Nitro festival of commercials and
interviews is brought to you by SKITTLES! Taste the gay
rainbow of fruit flavour!
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, to remind you that
OCCASIONALLY on this fine program, there is wrestling.
SIGNS I'VE MADE IT: There is an UGLY, ugly thread about me over on the
Other Arena. There are even remarks about my personal appearance! Can
you believe THAT? Some people get so *petty* when you rename a venue in
their home state. Yeah, I know you're still coming back to read me
though, AREN'TCHA. And, upon further reflection, Tennessee BLOWS. The
Volunteers SUCK. And Mr. Wrestling II was a LOSER.
I take that last one back, actually - Mr. Wrestling II was pretty
cool and he doesn't belong in any of my tirades.
THIS WEEK'S BAIT: Do you think Another Major Columnist would be working
so hard to hype "the column that everyone will be talking about" for about
a month if he weren't being affected by ME? Nah, me neither. (Bet THAT
gets me some ICQ action.)
Earlier Tonight clip shows Flair and Anderson talking to the
other Horsemen, duly assembled in the back. Tonight, Hogan
is a dead man. We can only hope he is speaking in literal
terms.
Flair takes the Tire Arn and smashes a window before they
speed off. Hogan: "I got glass in my ass!"
God, Luger's a dink.
The Treacherous Three talk about David Flair in the pressure
cooker (so THAT'S why his face looks so red!)
Gene O. has a lockerroom interview with REY MYSTERIO, JR....
"Red, white and green are MY colours - that's my brown
pride." What the FUCK?
Hey, remember NWO Nitro? Boy, that sucked. Thanks for
reminding me of it, Eric! Isn't THIS some interesting
timing, ten before the hour, ten before RAW. Eric takes
EPOCHS to get to the ring. It's probably all he can do to
keep from raising his arms in the air and saying
"hey everybody, look at me!"
Ric: "Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You got him if he wants
it, he's got it, but if he beats you, we shave your head, and your ass."
Zbyszko: "Can't we just shave the head?" Schiavone: "No I'd like to see all
of it." This just gets better and better, doesn't it?
Eric has changed his red NWO logo shirt with a white NWO logo one, which
can only mean he's going to job, because NO ONE in a red logo shirt jobs
except Scott Hall.
And what have we learned from tonight? Anyone who pays for a WCW
pay-per-view is an idiot. Quick, switch to RAW!
Still shots from last night show that dreadfully exciting
Luger/Konnan match that had all the office watercoolers
buzzing today. Liz comes out and give a whole new meaning to
"Torture Rack."
I HATE KONNAN tries ta reprazent, but he's white.
God, Luger's a dink.
I just FINALLY got that one Snickers ad. The fighter is scared that his
EARS will get BITTEN! Ohhhhhh! Because...okay! I *got* it!
Isn't it convenient that Bischoff with a cap today looks EXACTLY
like Bischoff with a cap before the shaving? Oh, I shouldn't nitpick WCW
so. They don't DESERVE it. I'm BIASED. Why doesn't wrestlemaniacs.com
get somebody BETTER to do these reports? Wah wah wah waaaaah wah wah.
Big Poppa Pump is looking for a freak of the week, a hooch,
hip grabbin' all night long, this goes to all you freaks out
there, Big Poppa Pump is your hookup, holla if ya hear me, by
the way, I'm as white as K-Dawg. Is that a "Steroids" chant?
Steiner says he saw someone pretty in the back, and calls out
PERRY SATURN, A VERY PRETTY MAN....
Steiner borrows a Michigan cap from a fan - now THAT'S heat.
He's wrestling in the land of Buckeyes with a Michigan cap
on. That works on so many levels for him. I take back
everything I ever said about Scott Steiner.... Scott starts
talking about his arms to make me remember why I normally
don't like him again.
Nash says if it weren't for him, Konnan would still be
"pulling the curtain in the first match, and he knows it!"
Actually, we ALL know that, Big Kev.
When you get right down to it, there are actually a lot of
things I don't know about this crazy business - but there is
one thing I DO know, and that one thing is this: The
Wolfpack is most definitely in the house.
Backstage, we see Scott Steiner following Kimberly into the
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! When you hear the disco call -
I actually don't have a finisher for that line, oh well.
WCW visits San Diego, Los Angeles, and onsales are Friday for
Rochester and San Francisco! I'm too cheap to buy a ticket to see them at
the Cow Palace, but I WOULD like to repeat my standing offer to sing the
National Anthem. I'll do it for either fed, you know. No
favourites with me! I'll see ANYBODY for free!
CHUCK NORRIS is in the audience. He wanted to superkick Jeff Jarrett but he wasn't informed that Jarrett had left WCW like a year ago.
Hogan says that he guesses they know what time it is.
Meanwhile, Morris Day's lawyers get on the phone.
Hall says "hey, yo" and then accepts the challenge. He
reminds us that he's 6'6" and more handsome than ten movie
stars. Then he says "don't sing it, bring it." His interviews
remind me of Mad-Libs, actually.
NOT DA MOUNTIE (with Disco Infer-NWO) v. BAM BAM BIGELOW in a
ladder, stun gun match... Bigelow falls but holds onto the
taser - DISCO INFERNO is back out and handing ANOTHER taser
to Hall (ugh) - as Disco walks away, GOLDBERG is out to spear
him. And now Goldberg is in the ring - both men turn their
attention to HIM - Goldberg with the crappy double spear and
now he's got both crappy tasers and zapping both men (No
contest 13:59) - what a crappy ending to a great match. Fuck
you, WCW. Switch to RAW RIGHT NOW, I don't care HOW crappy it
is.
My Meng impersonation: "Ah huh huhuhuhuhuh. Ah huhuhuhuhuh."
THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC NORMAN SMILEY (yellow) v. PERRY SATURN,
A VERY PRETTY MAN ... "Smiley, you're not gettin' jiggy with
me!" That wacky Smiley. Heenan: "You'll notice: braless!"
Smiley takes him to the rope and pounds him in the back - Saturn's
bleeding. Smiley gets up behind him and - because this isn't homo-erotic ENOUGH - does the dance to Saturn.
Before Tony can announce onsale dates, SUPERSTAR SCOTT
STEINER has joined the commentary table so he can watch -
some would say "stalk" but certainly not me - the Nitro
Girls, most notably Kimberly. Tony says this "transcends pro-
wrestling." Well, it might be transcendental, but I don't
think we're thinking the same things here.
Here's your trivia question for the week: How long does it take [Scott Norton]
to fall from IWGP World Heavyweight Champion to Goldberg's job boy du
jour?
Too late, the NWO B-TEAMERS are out but
they play the part of the ninjas, attacking one at a time so that Our
Hero has no problem getting through them. Then, all the aforementioned
celebrities (Walker, Norris, Van Damme, and also BRETT HULL) get in the ring because...hey, GOLDBERG. Nuff said. Or something.
I don't know why Hogan has to yap and yap and yap and YAP on
his way to the ring - not that we need to hear Buffer
anyway... well, there are a lot of things I don't know, but
there is one thing I DO know, and that one thing is this: the
Wolfpack is most definitely in the house.
Konnan speaks on dis. I personally don't find Minnesota
particularly 'bout-it. Konnan sends a shout-out to Frost
just to PISS ME OFF. Rey tells us that his mask means a lot
to him. Rey grew up watching Kevin and Lex, and he had much
love, they showed much love, then they did that damn thing
with the lawn dart, why the HELL is Rey talkin' like Konnan?
"Drop tha knowledge," gimme a break. It's all good, it's all
good, bum rush, shooting a teller in a wheelchair,
strawberries, bow down, 9 double, 1-8-7, I think somewhere in
there, Rey & Konnan issue a challenge to Lex & Kevin. Stand
up dogs, sit down in the bathroom to take aim, play Rey's
music, what time is it? Morris Day! Morris Day! Morris Day!
It's going to be a long night!
Hey, look! SCOTT DICKINSON is in the audience! And he's
developing a nice facial tic!
Hennig is back in with a kick - Hennigplex here - pinfall
there. (12:52) Holy crap, what's this CLEAN
finish doing on Nitro?
"Who wants to see Bischoff get dunked?" J.J. Dillon throws
the softballs as the luchadores cheer him on. Ewww, Bischoff
in a wet T-shirt.
KENNY KAOS v. FAR OUT VAN HAMMER - *this* is what you put up
against the beginning of RAW?
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! They look a little sadder
because Kimberly isn't out with them. Actually, they don't.
Backstage, we see the head cameraman try to dunk Bischoff - he gets
about 200 throws and then the camera cuts out.
Page asks where Steiner is. They don't tell him. Page
says everybody better pray, especially Steiner.
Steiner immediately emerges after Page disappears, and we are led to
believe he's in some hot freaky nook-nook action when the hand of a lady
drags him back into whatever room.
"Green Bay sucks" chant usually indicates boredom amongst the
crowd.
That woman has enormous breasts.
Hollywood Hogan and some other guy talk about - David Flair I
think? Did Hogan say "jiggly Jew?" Who's this other guy?
What are they talking about?
SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Buff is the Stuff) v. THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE -
Steiner manages to butcher "mesmerised" into something I know not what.
Words for Page. Steiner makes mention of a stipulation I've never heard
before - but maybe I haven't been taking attention. Steiner says
"hooches," followed soon by "Who's your daddy." So this goes to all you
freaks out there, Big Poppa Pump is some sort of up-hooker or something.
Heenan repeats the butchered word in question, because he rocks with the
extemporaneous funny stuff.
I don't know if anything's recently been done to Miss
Elizabth, I mean I don't THINK anything has beyond any sort
of uplifting undergarments, you know, I don't know what the
dealy is with Liz or anything, in fact I don't know what the
big deal is in the first place - she does look hot, though.
In fact, when you get right down to it, there's a lot of
things I don't know, but there is one thing I DO know, and
that one thing is this - the Wolfpack is most definitely in
the house.
THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo) v.
BIG SCOTT NORTON... I would describe the pace of this match
as "deliberate."
Dean Malenko and Ric Flair are taking shots at Bischoff, who
is still promising that he will have the last laugh tonight.
Again he asks "where's your kid, Flair?" This is what they
sometimes call foreshadowing.
The Wolfpack theme starts, then stops, because MICHAEL
BUFFER has to get us ready to rumble. Who the hell is Bret
Hitman Clark? That's the guy the winner of the next match will
face at SuperBrawl for the United States
Heavyweight Championship, according to Buffer. Good God
almighty, this guy has been intro'ing matches for something like SIX YEARS, you
think he would have figured out how to not screw up THAT badly by now.
He also manages to call Benoit's finisher "the Cripple Crossface."
It's scary, but it could very well be that by the end of
February, I will like Nitro more than RAW.
I know there's a lot of stuff I was supposed to do, letters to print,
other people to make fun of, but the truth is this flu CLOBBERED me, and I
just now got back to work, and I had an equipment failure of the telvision
variety, and, dammit, I earned a vacation. But fear not, all should be
put right by next week. But stop writing me about Scott Keith. Write
Scott Keith about Scott Keith. Leave me out of it.
And no, I'm *not* God, but I'll talk about that sign next week in the RAW
report in great detail with lots of gushing over the signsmiths in
question. You've been warned (or teased, or whatever).
Opening credits (close enough for gummint work)
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! What the HELL has Spice put
in her hair?
Here's a big onsale announcement! Friday buy tickets for
Worcester for Nitro, Lexington for THUNDER!, Chicago,
Milwaukee, Auburn Hills, and Toronto for Nitro! Get in line
NOW! Camp out! Bring SMORES!
BLITZCRIEG v. REY MYSTERIO, JR. (with I Hate Konnan) -
Remember, fans, you can TRADEMARK misspellings.... Rey is
wearing an LWO T-shirt because he knows it drives me nuts.
What the HELL is Konnan doing out there? Oh, he's crapping up
this match with a spiel on da mic.
Blitzcrieg can BE somebody!
Maybe I'm wrong in being pessimistic about WCW dogging it (heh) this
week while they're unopposed - maybe they DO want to win me over.
Konnan talks into the camera - well, never mind. Replays and I
can't stand Konnan.
Vignette time, grab the popcorn. Kanyon, Mrs. Levy and at
least three Cameramen.... Raven - are you ready for this -
TURNS TO ANOTHER CAMERA - and says "What a mark!" Oh, wait,
Raven ISN'T always depressed. He was just ACTING this
whole time. "He don't get it!" says Raven directly to the
loyal viewer, presumably where Kanyon can't hear him. Well,
I don't get it either. Is this like "Getting" the WWF?
Kanyon and Raven get in a - what's that, a Lamborghini? and
drive off, where presumably other fun adventures await, all
to be captured by a ready and waiting team of cameramen.
FIT FINLAY v. BOOKER T. - the preceding clip was apparently
so lame the commentators pretend they didn't just see it.
Hey, maybe was really JUST talking to us and not to ANYBODY
else!
But it's no ad break - it's Hollywood Hogan and Horace
talkin' about the NWO - blood - I want you to lead the black
and white - I can't act - I REALLY can't act - don't tell
anybody what we're talking about, it's between you, me, and
this here cameraman - I don't dare pursue acting - 4 life - I
love you, my brother - ha ha ha. If they do this four more
times...
Flair has words for Hogan - he's gonna strip naked (Tony:
"Oh, my!") - no wait...eww, PIT stains! Anything less
would be uncivilised! Flair does NOT have a heart attack
during this interview.
Blonde: "Don't you wanna come sit next to me? I know you're
not shy, I've seen the way you act on TV - I promise I won't
bite - at least not too much. C'mere." Whoever she's
talking to should PUT DOWN THE DAMN CAMERA and GO GET SOME.
Anyway, this clip likes the Horsemen, the Faces of Fear,
Hennig & Windham, and the NWO in the curren tourney. So, by
all means, go to Vegas and put your college fund down on Enos
& Duncum!
Don't these guys ever WATCH Nitro in their off time? I
swear, Hollywood's WHOLE PLAN would be ruined if ANY of these
guys had the smarts to SET A DAMN VCR. I *almost* smiled
when Hogan said "You're the man, Holmes."
Garza, Calo, Damien, and Ciclope ask "Eddie" for the "locion"
and say "por favor" about a MILLION times. I can see the
booking meeting for this. "Yeah, we don't have any time in
these three hours to book you guys in matches - but - hey - I
know! You guys can wash up and ask Eric for Old Spice in
Spanish!" That said, it IS funny on a way-too-intellectual
level to hear them call Bischoff "Eddie."
If I see ONE more ad telling me how uncool it is to smoke, I
swear, I will START smoking.
Page, by the way, will be on LATER this Thursday. A clip of
Rita Sever (host du jour - EVERYBODY but me has hosted this
show) shows that ANYBODY can do a DDP interview. Then Page
turns to the camera and CREEPS EVERYBODY OUT.
Raven and Kanyon go to Versace (Kanyon mispronounces it Ver-
SAIS of course) and it's clothes shopping time. Cue the
catwalk music! Cue Kanyon wearing outfits! GOD HELP US ALL.
Raven calls Kanyon a jabrone just to insult our suspension of
disbelief further. Oh, and I NEVER wanna see Kanyon in only
a pair of briefs again.
Kanyon kayfabes Mrs. Levy (har, har) and she tells Raven that
WCW called - they want him to come back to work. Raven says
"I'll be okay -" then turns to the camera, with a wink and a
smile, and says "she's not too bright, is she?" a special
insight between performer and viewer, ah I'm all tingly
inside. For I have seen the future - and it's name is JOHNNY
POLO. Hell, let's just reunite him with Scott Hudson on
commentary and we can pretend it's the GWF for cryin' out
loud! So what about "Jim?" Oh, we saw him last week and
didn't recognise him at all. What about Chastity? What
about me? What about RAVEN?
When we come back, she's been rolled back over at the EMT's
command. She's made up nicely to give the impression that
she'll have to be out a few weeks, possibly for some facial
surgery or some sort. Kimberly does some - I think it's
acting.
Hart is the COOLEST MOFO ON EARTH.
Let's take an ad break as Hart works the crowd into a frenzy.
Hart and Piper tonight - that's a QUALITY, PAY-PER-VIEW QUALITY type
match tonight. Hey, yeah, it WAS a pay-per-view match! It
was
for the WWF Intercontinental Title match, it was WrestleMania VIII, it
was almost
SEVEN YEARS AGO. Chew on THAT.
THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT (with
Sonny Onoo) v. VINCENZO - WHY must we have this black-on-black
violence?
Dost thou joustest with the meaning of fabled promos of yore?
Hey, that knight looks a LOT like Edge! Anyway, SuperBrawl IX is
two Sundays henceforth.
If you are all ready to send me another complaint letter asking me how I
can like THIS and hate Windham & Hennig doing "the same thing," please,
don't bother. You don't "get it."
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is ALSO brought to you by SKITTLES! The
candy for the RAINBOW crowd! (Oh, you didn't know? Yeah, only gay people
can eat Skittles. You didn't hear that from me, though.)
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers (heygetoffmy -
NOSE!)
Now, right here, watch this. As Flair puts the figure four
on Scott Hall - EVERYBODY STANDS AND LOOKS TO THE ENTRANCE
WAY. They KNOW that this is gonna end in a run-in and
screwjob. THAT, more than anything else, is the SADDEST
thing EVER to associate with WCW. THAT is why, on a night
where they once again have the opportunity to shine and stand
out and say "Hey! Give us a chance and we can make you, as a
wrestling fan, happier than you could be with the other
program!" they INSIST on pulling shit like this and proving
they're clueless about what the people want to see. A split
screen shot shows Eric Bischoff handing Hogan a bucket of
something - we all know it's bleach because of the wonderful
foreshadowing we've been treated to all night - and get this,
the COMMENTATORS DON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE the other picture.
Hogan walks by four downed security men as Heenan starts
"Look, everybody's--" and is cut off because he's NOT
SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT'S GOING ON. The funny thing is, because
all the commentators see is Hogan walking with a bucket, they
have to MAKE UP action to call - remember, their backs are to
the action and they rely on a television in front of them to
call what's going on. Lame, lame, lame.
WCW can't out-WWF the WWF. Shows like tonight prove that so
many times over that I don't know why they try. How can they manage to
perfectly balance their soaring highs (the Blitzcrieg/Rey Mysterio, Jr.
match, Hart is given thirteen minutes to tell a story in the ring) with
such awful, awful, bottom-scraping lows? (I won't mention them AGAIN,
you'll know 'em when you see 'em) What's a wrestling fan to
do? Tape, fast forward, read some guy's recap on the Web. That's fine for
YOU. But what about ME?
Trunkcam! It's Eric Bischoff in a chauffer uniform. Flair
leaves a Lear jet, along with some people I don't know, and
there's some sort of drama taking place. Man, all these
camera angles are making me dizzy.
We're in a hotel room - that mysterious blonde wants new
towels (the one she's wearing is wet) and she wants some room
service - what, have they been there a WEEK or something? And
why doesn't housekeeping ever CLEAN that place?
JERRY FLYNN v. PERRY SATURN, TAKING A TURN ON
THE CATWALK - Life's a drag, har har, I get it already. Get
a new line. (Although he DOES bring back "Whutreyoulookin'at?")
Schiavone says "Will Sasso" and "videogames" instead of
calling the match.
Oh well, this is like eight minutes you'll never get back. Did
it work for YOU?
Nestle's Pretzel Flips provides the replays. REPLAYS ARE THE
PRETZELS!
Also later tonight, Hart vs. Sasso! It's a SASSO match!
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Steiner accosts
Kimberly... "Not his friend, not his girlfriend, not his
fiancee, but his wife!" laments Tony. Hey Tony, so if it had
JUST been his fiancee, it would have been okay?
The Awesome 3 remind us that Scott Steiner is the very spawn
of Satan.
Spice says that she felt so many things at once. There are
many things of hers I'D like to feel...oh sorry. Whisper has
a special message for Kimberly - I've got a special message
I'd like to give her...oh sorry. Whisper breaks down into
tears, sort of. Tygress and Jazz stand nearby. Spice can't
HELP but smile, though, 'cause she's THAT perky.
'at'samahgirl! Stay STRONG Spice!
BRET CLARKE v. WILL SASSO in an affront to all that is good
in wrestling.... Sasso is wearing a jersey with 73 on it, which I *believe* is how
many
stones he weighs. Heenan says it's the number of double cheeses he had
between 4and 5 today. ...You know what's bad about this? We could
have had *Kevin Greene* in this segment.
Hey, you know what a REAL waste of money is? Airing a Hardee's
ad in California. Come ON.
The bell sounds and it's on... YOU KNOW WHO v. ROWDY RODDY
PIPER for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - You didn't
want a WRESTLING match, did you?
Oh no, Piper's gonna speak. The over/under on homosexual
references
is thirty seconds, by the way.
SOME GUY reads us the text of a million dollar civil suit by
Scott Steiner on Dallas Page for assault & battery. He also
expects that Page will have to appear before a grand jury in
Buffalo where he'll no doubt be indicted on felony charges
and serve fifteen years in da slamma. I never thought I'd say
this, but THANK YOU SCOTT STEINER!
Clip from "Konnan's Second Music Video" because this is what Hell is
like.
Last night, of course, for the truly stupid, money could be spent on
SuperBrawl IX. If you HAD paid for it, you probably would have
seen
Bam Bam Bigelow and Goldberg move a BIT faster than in these still
frames
- although admittedly not much.
And also, I have no life for spending a Saturday afternoon watching
two hours of WCW on TV.
NOW all we have left as wrestling fans (and by "we," of
course, I mean "me and that guy over there")...
Can it get better? RIKI RACHTMAN ("Hey, I used to be on MTV!
REmember me?) is somewhere at Cal Berkeley (slogan: "Stanford
Beats Us Every Year") at a Nitro Party - if only I'd
KNOWN...I could have STILL stayed home. Apparently, as part
of Cinn-A-Burst's Spring Breakout, we're going to have to
endure this for six weeks! Feel the Burst!
JERRY (It is my Lightning Foot destiny to open every Nitro)
FLYNN v. (Not in Disorderly Conduct) MEAN MIKE ENOS - Tony:
"Many of you saw the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on Friday
night when Goldberg laid out that big challenge - and it's
very apparent out there that there's a lot of people out
there that try to talk the talk, but when push comes to
shove, they can't walk the walk." What the HELL is he talking
about? By the way, Calista Flockhart IS Karen Carpenter.
Sign in crowd: I LOVE JERRY FLYNN'S MULLET. Well, hell, so do
I.
The knee is 100%, OGB, now can you dig it. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
"Sucka" is not said.
TCI is now advertising a Backstreet Boys concert that
happened two weeks ago. What is this, cable for people with
time machines?
And also, I have no life for spending a Saturday afternoon watching
two hours of WCW on TV.
Sign in crowd: "ARCO SERVES MINORS" - that's funny on many levels.
Last night on SuperBrawl, some stills were taken in the Piper/Hall
United
States title bout. "Piper used the atomic drop, many other
exciting
moves..." Oh shut up, Tony. These stills actually show more
motion than...wait, I already used that joke earlier.
Scott Steiner - Diamond Dallas Page - Kimberly Page - I feel
like I've taken this special video look before...but it's a
bit new, as they tack on the statement from the lawyer and
also Steiner adding the stipulation last week on THUNDER!
that if he won, he'd get Kimberly for 30 days. This is what
folks in the business call "storyline progression."
I think the funniest sign I saw last night at SuperBrawl said
"DENAIR IS NWO COUNTRY." No, it isn't. I mean, there's LOCAL
flavour and then there's taking it too far, come on. Denair.
Denair is a suburb of TURLOCK, for crying out loud. Gimme a
break. What, you wanted play by play?
Tony talks about the clip, then as if to say hi to me, says
"Somebody say something here - am I the only one that saw
that?" Okay, okay, you've let me know you're addressing the
madness. Thank you, WCW.
DISCO INFER-NWO v. GLACIER HAYASHIRYU -
David Penzer: "Ladies and gentlemen, because this match
involves international competition, the Disco Inferno would
like you to please rise so he may sing the National Anthem!"
GOD DAMMIT, that's MY gimmick! YOU tell me they aren't going
out of their WAY to appeal to me this week.
Brian Adams tells Scott Norton that Hollywood made him the
man. Scott stifles a grin to himself and goes along with it.
Adams does a better job with this than Vincent did. Not that
it really matters - this is like choosing which plague you'd
like to die of.
Commentators are remarking on Jericho's losing streak (wink
wink).
Is Saturn wearing eyeliner or what? Schiavone says he looks
"pretty."
Rey comes out in B&W camoflauge instead of his LWO shirt and
to Konnan's music instead of his own. How do you misspell
"NO?"
Sonny Onoo will be on the Bruise Cruise - well, that's IT,
I'm signing up NOW.
Wrath appears on "Mortal Kombat" NEXT! And later, in some
other federation!
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Smash & Slam
Wrestlers (Why would Luger's action figure beat up Sting's
action figure?)
I'm speechless. It just...is ANYBODY totally into this?
What's the payoff? I mean, Monday morning I thought Mike was
NUTS for even bringing up the POSSIBILITY that Hogan and Nash
were trying to run WCW into the ground, EVEN with SuperBrawl
IX's conclusion, but THIS..... How long can they keep doing
this? Is this what Flair stuck to his guns and disappeared
from EVERYTHING for nearly four months to get? Is this what
the fans are longing to see? How can WCW seem to turn it
around, only to throw any meager gains completely in the
crapper by poisoning 170 minutes with 15 minutes of....I
mean, words fail me. It just does not make sense on ANY
level. God, what a SHAME. All I can do is just shrug and
shake my head. It's a damn SHAME. Tune in when next week Riki
Rachtman tells us how great "Headbanger's Ball" was ten years
ago.
Hey Michael, those aren't "your Space Jam buddies" - they're FREAKIN'
CARTOONS!
Hey, I don't think Tygress' hoochie mama dance is TV-G.
We are reminded that Cinn-A-Burst and 1-800-COLLECT each have
two hyphens.
I'm gonna have abs like Buff one day - after I've decomposed,
unfortunately, but I'll HAVE 'em!
Here's a Special Video Look at Bret Hart and Booker T....
Dynamic video effect makes it look like a third generation
dub video ordered >from somewhere in Europe where the
electrical current isn't the exact same voltage all the time.
Meng is on Mortal Kombat - NEXT! Hey, not bad for somebody that's like *75* YEARS OLD.
Off the ropes, back elbow by Psychosis. Tony calls him "one of
the few masked men remaining in Mexico" which is stupid beyond
belief.
So is taking ad breaks in the middle of matches I like.
Come on, you're gonna bitch about a FREE, quality 17+ minute match
'cause
you'd seen the *ending* before? Get a life!
David and Torrie in a dressing room are confronted by Arn
Anderson. Arn gives him - a stern talking to. I think I can
sum this up best with Torrie's quote: "WhatEVER."
Half hour suplex a la Davey Boy. Whatever happened to ol'
Davey Boy anyway?
PLEASE tell me why Rey comes to the ring with Konnan's music instead
of his own. While you're at it, tell me why he's facing
Bigelow.
Bigelow turns to the crowd and says "I main evented WrestleMania XI and
now they're gonna make me job to this guy!"
They're gonna call Rey "the Giant Killer" now. Oh boy.
Aren't they stealing this from Spike Dudley? Oh yeah, who
watches ECW?
JERRY "LIGHTNINGFOOT" FLYNN" v. THREE TIME WORLD KARATE
CHAMPION THE CAT... Why's his mullet in a ponytail? That's
GOOFY.
Hey, there's Chastity! This is too exciting to be rated
G, we better take a break!
Another clip of "Konnan's New Music Video" because God forbid we
forget that later tonight we'll see THE WHOLE THING.
What's with all them Slim Jims in the front row? Morrus with
the rear chinlock and now I'm getting a little bored.
Heenan: "This is the BEST broadcast you've ever done, Tony
Schiavone!" Tony fails to recognise the irony - oh you betta.
Saturn finally powering out but there's a knee which flips
Saturn, and we're back to the now dreadfully exciting rear
Chinlock.... Okay, they've lost me now. The crowd, too -
they're chanting "boring" and the sound guys have turned it
down so much that it's just eerily silent in the arena. Oh
COME ON, do something already. Saturn elbows out - powerslam
by Morrus - he's going up to the top - double axehandle...I
*guess* Saturn caught him because there's a - what's that,
Northern Lights Suplex with a bridge? Does it matter
anymore? What am I doing with my life anyway? T-bone Tazplex
- maybe. As if it matters. I could just MAKE up play-by-play
by now, nobody's read this far. If I were Hyatte, I'd have
written up this match in one line. Chop (woooo!), Ten Punch
Count Along under the dress, Scott Keith sucks, Morrus
counters with a running powerbomb.
Konnan's NEW Music Video - combining stolen elements from both "Atomic
Dog" AND "More Bounce to the Ounce," this video is a tasteful melange of
racial stereotype, retro electro breakdance moves, rather oddly placed zoot
suits, and also some hoochies. Somebody cut'n'paste that and send itto
ScoopTHIS! and see if they'll put me on their quotes page. I would rate
this video as something stronger than TV-G, but at least K-Dawg doesn't
believe he's a bus - nor does he take the grass out of my pocket and smoke
it. "Vato vato vato vato vato vato vato vato...'
Hey, if I read between the lines, you can't say "BLOOD" on TV any
more. Oops, I wasn't supposed to bring down that terrific interview.
BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD oh i'm sorry.
You know, this show was much better than it's been. You think
they're listening to me? Naah.
I GET LETTERS: What is your problem with WCW? Not to talk
trash or anything I know all Wrestling is inherintly fake but
have you acctually sat down and watched WWF? It is a load of
BullShit. No One could watch WWF and Not know it's fake.WCW
Is More Wrestling less Shit. So Any way Take it easy on WCW.
Sincerly, Tim You know, I've been TELLING myself that I've
got to actually sit down and watch WWF sometime. Maybe he's
onto something. On the other hand, I've always believed that
the WCW was more wrestling, MORE shit, so what the hell do I
know.
As the TV-PG-DV ratings box welcomes us to another clipfest,
interview-mania and recapper's nightmare, we see Alex from Flashdance welding together
a steel cage. Well, okay, it wasn't Alex. It was some boring
guy. You take your fantasy where you can get it. This is a pretty good clip, actually, but the soundtrack
sounds like it was lifted from one of those "attacking ants"
movies.
Konnan's New Music Video. This video represents the life in the streetand
stuff. Yeah. Give me a fuckin' break. If he was REALLY working with Kid
Frost, Frost woulda made Konnan his BITCH by now. The only thingworse than
white folk is white folk pretendin' to be Raza! Trust me, I've LIVED it!
(No, I haven't.)
WCW "Road to Spring BreakOut" series continues in Boston with cops
making Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell cops for the day. They won't get a
ticket if they give out tickets all day. This is about as lame as it
sounds, makes about as much sense as it sounds, and, because it's now
G-rated, contains NO fine lookin' babes to speak of. There is ONE smokin'
babe, but she's smokin' in the sense that she's actually smoking a cigarette
andnot that she's....yeah. Sigh. Do you think it's EASY to find something to
talk about here?
"Ric, this is just you and me talkin'." This is where Arn
should have said "and this camera, and these millions of
television viewers." Oh, I SAID that already? Well, like WCW
I feel like I have to repeat myself using the EXACT SAME
WORDS just in case you didn't get it the first time.
Do you understand that the way the WWF expects me to suspend
my disbelief WORKS for me from a common sense perspective
while the way the WCW expects me to suspend my disbelief
feels like COMPLETE IDIOCY?
Let's get up close and personal with A.C. Jazz. She has dogs.
That's what I've gotten from this.
Oh oh! KONNAN's been demoted to Nitro Party duty! Riki
Rachtman does the MTV thing an introduces Konnan's New Music
Video. This video represents the life in the street and
stuff. Yeah. Give me a fuckin' break. If he was REALLY
working with Kid Frost, Frost woulda made Konnan his BITCH by
now. The only thing worse than white folk is white folk
pretendin' to be Raza! Trust me, I've LIVED it! (No, I
haven't.)
Hogan says "Lethal Weapon 5" proving he has STEVE BLACKMAN on
his mind.
At FIFTY-NINE FUCKING MINUTES AFTER THE HOUR, we are welcomed to Worcester, MA and the Centrum Nitro 8.3.99 for
LIVE Monday Nitro action. GENE O. starts off that INCREDIBLE
action with - get ready - a FUCKING INTERVIEW.... I don't
think I've said this yet in my 11 months returning to recap
duty, but - IF YOU HAVEN'T SWITCHED TO RAW BY NOW, YOU HAVE
NO FUCKING BRAIN.
Hak on a table - Raven off the entryway scaffoldiing through
the table. Tony says it's never been done because he's an
idiot who doesn't go out much. BAM BAM BIGELOW is out and the
bell sounds for no apparent reason (? 3:15) I hate life.
BIGtime lariat from Booker T. Forearm - slapjack off the
ropes - breakdance. Harlem sidekick! Time for the screwjob -
Booker T. climbs to the top - Buff moves the foot and
crotches Booker T. - I hate WCW - Steiner recliner - serves
me right for watching...
Backstage, Gene O. talks to Jerry Flynn - but before we hear
from him, Sonny Onoo appears and tries to offer him a bribe -
after Flynn declines, the Cat jumps him from behind. Now
THAT'S an outfit! Onoo cuts off Flynn's ponytail! NOOOOOO!
NOT THE MULLET!!!!!!
"Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers ("Getoffmy -
NOSE!")"
"BIG SCOTT NORTON v. REY MYSTERIO, JR. - Fuck, I should just call himKonnan
Jr. and get it over with. If Norton doesn't KILL Rey here...well,like
Norton has a chance. Now I'm no judge of aesthetics, but I'vedecided Rey's
one UGLY mofo. "
If it plays three times during a show, I have to hate it.
That reminds me, when are we gonna see that Konnan T-shirt ad
again?
FAR OUT VAN HAMMER v. BRET CLARKE - "Hi, I'm Bret Hart. I was
the biggest name in the sport. I left one federation in one
of the most controversial finishes in the history of pay-per-
view telecasts, and signed with another in what was
considered one of the biggest coups in this highly
competitive field. Tonight I'm fighting DDP's friend in the
last half hour of Nitro. Maybe I'll get a couple free
chairshots afterwards. Castrol GTX will provide the replays.
I hate my life." (Sharpshooter 10:45)
Can I put into words how much this show sucked?
"Rappin' with the Cat" - a press conference with Cat - "don't
call me Ernest" in which he divulges that his record is
undefeated (oh, REALLY), he's beautiful and bad. He dances
JUST like James Brown. WCW is holding him down.... And then
he dances with some "reporters." I don't know - I kinda
liked this. I feel guilty about it, though.
MENG v. LIGHTNING FOOT JERRY FLYNN - Flynn looks RIGHT AT ME
and I *know* he's missing his mullet.... What the HELL is
Meng wearing tonight? Those look like Hammer's pants. And I
don't mean Van Hammer.
You know, for a 76-year old man, Meng's pretty damn cool.
Meng is officially permanently on my Guilty Pleasures list
once and for all. He thanks me, I think - I don't speak that
language.
Konnan's Music Video - fortunately, Disco Inferno is too
clever for this crowd - he's already doctored the video with
his own bad self, chromakey style. He eats the worm! Give
him the Brer Rabbit award, for sure. We come back to the
commentary table - Disco gloats and Tony can't help but laugh
- 'cause Disco's too clever for him.
Konnan T-shirt ad - when the announcer says "K-DOGG," it
sounds like "Gay Dogg." That's all I'm saying.
This goes on for about half an hour. Nash is all "you owe
ME," and she's all "whatEVER" and I'm all "get ON with it."
Riki brings out NORMAN SMILEY who teaches Rachtman how to
dance. Smiley fails to smack his bitch up, but promises that
he'll wiggle next week in Panama City.
Rey on the apron - rana to the floor! Rey throws Kidman back
in. Larry and Tony are arguing about NOTHING.
STEVIE RAY v. HORACE (hogan) - last night, Stevie Ray and
Vincent - oh, who cares.
"Scotty, this is getting a little bit out of hand - you're Big Poppa Puff -
but you're not Buff - and you're not the Stuff." Steiner reminds him that he
was nothing before he joined the NWO,and if they kick him out, he'll be
nothing again. Buff says "I was an American Male!" No, actually he doesn't.
I HATE KONNAN v. DISCO INFER-NWO -
Konnan is wearing Rey-style camoflauge, which isn't working, because I can
still see 'im.
I don't know what Konnan did to fall out of favour with the booker, but I
gotta say I wish he'd keep doing it until people like Barry Horowitz are
getting wins over him.
Hey, that guy in the front row was giving HIMSELF the Claw!
Youch!
Bruise Cruise ad - the Nitro Girls will be there! And they'll
be NAKED! Well, not where YOU'LL see 'em...but sure!
Oh, no! This was a GOOD show! I wonder what people will
find to complain about if I say that I LIKED the show! Oh no!
There must be something WRONG with me because I'm so BIASED that I can't
be allowed to ENJOY a GOOD show!
If it's Spring Break, it must be A FUN MUSIC VIDEO! That's
right, it's the Sweaty White Guys House Band!
Yo yo yo, in the nine double, mi vida loca, ice cream on a
hot summer's day, parental advisory, eat the worm, buy the
shirt.
To prove Disco's point, we again see Disco's Konnan video. This
gets FUNNIER each time I see it! This week I laugh at Disco's confused
look when he talks about eating the worm. Rachtman, who is an idiot, again
says that people are sick of Disco's video - the crowd behind him TOTALLY
blows him off. Yeah, fuck off, Riki! Disco reveals that his sources in
Tijuana hate Konnan's video, and also he (Disco) will be producing
Madonna's next video. Stay tuned!"
I just saw a Hyatte sign! I think I'll have to take this week off so I
won't have to mention it!
Fit Finlay knocks on Rick Steiner's door - hey, Rick's
shacking up with Mickey Jay! And he drinks Surge! Oh, and I
guess they're fighting later.
38 minutes without wrestling - these guys must think this is RAW or
something!
HORACE (hogan) v. VINCENZO - "I'm in charge!" "No, I'm in
charge!" "I'm the boss!" "No, I'm the boss!" "I'm the
nephew!" "I'M the - no, wait, I'm not!" "I suck!" "No, *I*
suck!"
(Fifty-eight minutes after) Opening Credits - so is this first hour SOME
OTHER SHOW now? And can we bring in some OTHER guy, force HIM to watch
itand write it up? "Hey, Chris, if you don't like it, why do you WATCH
it?" Oh, fuck off.
Riki Rachtman introduces MISS NITRO '99 - JULIE WILLIAMS - who comes
out,like, wearing CLOTHES and stuff - what's up with THAT? I don't care
HOW cold it is, you come out in a bikini!
She takes a walk for us and the camera can only show her from the
waist up, because tits are okay, but asses are definitely not G-rated.
Jericho manages a brief flurry including a nice springboard dropkick (or, if
you're Tony - "spriiiiiiiiiiiingboard mmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissile dropkick" -
what the HELL'S up with that?)
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier in the Show where Samantha shows off
her hooters.
MICHAEL BUFFER is back because he can no
longer handle the DIRTY sport of boxing. Does this strike you as
the type of main event to put up against Paul Wight/Steve Austin?
Are they just THROWING in the towel here? And
then, will they somehow blame the inevitable ratings loss on
FLAIR?
Nah, that's too Machiavellian of 'em isn't it. Buffer, of course,
impresses the world with his incredible proficiency and knowledge of
phonetic
Spanglish.
Last week's show was better, but this week's was still okay. The first
hour of crap has absolutely no reason to exist, though. They seem to be
going out of their way to prove that. "Hey Chris," people write. "If you
ignore the first hour, Nitro's a damn good show!" Yeah, but I CAN'T
ignore the first hour. Don't you see? It's part of the damn show! It's
ONE THIRD of the show! It's equivalent to saying "Hey Chris, if you JUST
IGNORE all the stuff you don't like, then there's only stuff you like
left!" Well, DUH. Life would be WONDERFUL if it went like that. But it
ain't, and I can't. So there. See you next week! OH CANADA / SOMETHING
SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING...
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and thelivinglegend Larry
Zbyszko. "Tonight at 9 o'clock Eastern time, Nitro takes the air!" Well
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS SHOW AT 8 O'CLOCK IF IT IS NOT NITRO? And why
am I bothering to recap it? The "We want Bret" chant is even louder
than the "Larry" chant, aww yeah. Tonight, Hart and Goldberg go for five
minutes. I think - I wasn't listening. This isn't Nitro, you see.
I'd actually give you more real play by play here, but honestly, this isn't
Konnan takes command, there's the Tequila Sunrise, PLEASE
play that song one more time. (submission 5:36) The sad thing
is THIS piece of crap was longer than the LONGEST match over
on the other channel. I mean, I *guess* that's sad. Oh, I
don't know. Tonight's gonna be hell.
Oh well, here's Konnan's Music Video #2! Moooooore bounce...moooore
boooounce...much more booooouuuuunce. Wah wah waaaaah wah
danketadankadankdanketadankdanka fast forward.
Page says the "People's Champion" monitor is a bunch of
hype.... Is he turning too? Might as well, it would MAKE NO
SENSE.
What just happened here? Let me get out my scorecard. Hogan
is a face, check. Steiner is a (de facto) face. Page is a
heel. Flair's a feel. Nash is ... hmmm. Hall's gone. Hart's
... later, I guess. Goldberg... and now Sting is... and
apparently it DOES NOT MATTER that any of this is happening
because THIS part of the show is NOT NITRO.
Castrol GTX supplies sponsorship for the replay. THIS REPLAY
DRIVES HARD
Gene O. & SPICE hang out (not literally - well, not enough
for Spice) near the Beetle Battle Beetle. Spice says it's
"sporty, fun, fast, peppy and SPICEY" - just like a certain
There's a SPEAR! And now NEITHER man is moving. It'd be wrong
of me to say they look really gay laying there, but...crowd is nuts.
And in case anyone wonders if that was a shoot, let me remind you
that you saw it on TV, in which case you should NEVER even have to ask
it. It's a work. A DAMN good work. I think only Pete Rose could
have made that more exciting to watch - hear me WWF? That segment made me shout
louder than just about ANYTHING on WrestleMania last night. That can't be
good. WCW, as they are wont to do, gives the most painful,
bottom-of-the-barrel scraping lows a fan can (sometimes not even) sit through - and then they can give you hot shit like this within the same hour. The sad
thing is there are precious few who can slog through the turds in real time
just to feel the highs. That's why RAW is winning the ratings - a
consistently higher level of the "stuff I will sit through" quotient. But you
still have to watch both shows. You HAVE to. Just skip the
"not Nitro" hour, for the love of God.
Mysterio manages a cover. 1, 2, 3!!!!! Ladies and
gentlemen,
we have new tag team champions of the world. (12:23) I may
not like the result, but it's definitely MATCH OF THE NIGHT. vato
vato vato vato believe I'm a bus vato vato vato
MICHAEL BUFFER is let across the border? Canada's more permissive than I
thought! Buffer proclaims this match a "clash of Titans," even though
Harry Hamlin isn't involved. Even though Diamond Dallas Page has never
worked in the WWF. Even though...no, that's all I got. Let's get ready
to (tm)!
Hogan's got his belt - whip! Whip! Whip! What action!
8 matches, 66:17 bell-to-bell for those of you keeping score at home. I
still think the moment of the week was Hart's segment, though. Is it okay
for me to like a nonmatch the best? Is it okay for me to like a Bret Hart
moment the best? I think I just pissed off Herb Kunze AND Sean Shannon.
ONLY *I* can do that! Yeah!
World Championship Wrestling - Our Logo is NOT the Star of David,
dammit!
Oops. Poor Sting! Someone left him out in the rain and now
he's getting all wet! Good thing he's got that trenchcoat! I
hope he takes that baseball bat and hits the person who left
him out in the cold!
GENE O. made the cut and works tonight! He wastes no time
saying "crap tables" to show how edgy he is.
"Chriiiiiiiiis....you're not being faaaaaaaaair!!!" Oh sorry. I'll give
them one more quarter hour to put some damn wrestling on - otherwise
they're still trying to outRAW RAW and there's already too much RAW on
Monday nights...
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by
Valvoline - WITH A BLAST OF BUTTER!
KENDELL WINDHAM v. (Hardcore) HAK (with Chastity) in a Kendo
Stick match - THIS IS THE NEW MONDAY NITRO! The Blackman
influence spreads - oh yes - Blackman IS professional
wrestling in 1999. Chastity has the "Catholic high school
girl in trouble" look which ALWAYS works. Hell, it even made
BRITNEY SPEARS look attractive - that slutty whore. Oops.
Let's Take a Special Video Look at Meng - "oh hohohohoho - oh
hohohohoho - (unintelligible) - oh hohohohohoho"
Hogan: "The Wolfpack - it be in da house." Oh shut up, white
boy.
Happy birthday, Konnan - I won't make fun of your match this
week! I *will* notice that Lizmark spends an awful lot of
time adjusting his pants for some strange reason. Then he
kinda laughs "ah ha ha!" randomly. Then he does the Robot!
Then he loses. Well, after an eternity - oh sorry Konnan.
In another step to make Meng the COOLEST MAN EVER, Meng has
been given the Dungeon of Doom music - yeah! It just gets
BETTER AND BETTER! Why yes, he IS wearing the pants that all
the kids are talking about.
"Oh hohohohoho - oh hohohohohoho" - I love Meng. (People
FAINT when I say stuff like that, you know.)
That's one pointy logo, ain'tit?
Come back for the EXCITING NWO Black'n'White battle royale
(with cheese)!
RAVEN & SENSATIONAL PERRY SATURN v. REY NO
MYSTERIO, JR. & KIDMAN for the World Tag Team Championship -
Listen to me here - I will mail a DOLLAR to everyone reading this if
Raven & Saturn don't come out of this with the belts.
...
Benoit is going to hit the swandive headbutt (in THAT outfit?)
Malenko pushes Rey onto Saturn. 1, 2, 3! (9:52)
...
Oh, you probably want your dollar now, don't you. Okay, send
a SASE and $2 shipping and handling to PO Box 64405, Sunnyvale CA
94088-4405 and I'll send one of your dollars back to you. Trust me!
(Remember, kids, a good scam beats clicking on ad banners ANY day!)
I GET LETTERS: Atul Bhakta, consider yourself famous:
Hi, I emailed you a few weeks ago about Scott Steiner and how you abuse him
in your articles, well I just wanted to clarify things to you on a more
simpleton level, which I know you will understand.
Scott Steiner is the NEXT superstar in the world of wrestling! He has the
skills, looks, heat, and most of all a brain to be a dominant player in the
post Hogan era! Do you understand what I am saying here? What you do to
him is uncalled for! Are you a WWF mark by any chance? It sure looks as if
you are a WWF mark!
So in the imminent future, please terminate your articles on WCW, it would
be greatly appreciated. Take it from me, you will be doing all of us a
favor! Thank you very much!
It would be WRONG of me to note his name could be pronounced "a tool," so
I won't.
But damn, don't come back with "whyyyy are you so WHIIIIINE
on my FAAAAAAAVORITE Canadian rantin' guy" when the truth is
I didn't do ANYTHING. Oh man, the soft pink underbelly I
could rip into juicy chunky salsa with extended talons - but
that's not like ME, man. It's all about PEACE. Break the
BARRIERS, MAN!!!! Except that one guy - he gets what he
deserves. (Three people just thought "hey! He's talking about
ME!")
Hyatte stole the idea of recapping Monday night wrestling from me, by the way.
Why do you think he BEGS me to put his name somewhere in here every week?
That whole "Rick won't LET him do it" shtick is just a ruse! It's supposed to
MANIPULATE me! Never mind that it usually works, now.
We are LIVE from the Sun Dome in Yakima, WA 12.4.99 for WCW MONDAY
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, BOBBY HEENAN and A BOTTLE OF
SURGE.
Sting is cool.
Tony can't take his hands off that Surge. He's pretty extreme,
that guy.
Watch this ten minutes. Now go watch RAW's first fifteen
minutes.
DJ Ran can cut a record for side to side - I smell RATINGS!
Gene O. welcomes COLD BEER, who stumbles on the ramp on his way down
- oops. Hey, I think we've got a streak going with that!
Since Flair did it last week...we could have, like the "who trips on the
ramp?" weekly pool or something.
DJ Ran is again all up in my area - he's down with OPP (yeah
you know me) Tony and Bobby are all: "Yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah" and I'm all "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Gene O. welcomes COLD BEER, who stumbles on the ramp on his way down
-oops. Hey, I think we've got a streak going with that! Since Flair didit
last week...we could have, like the "who trips on the ramp?" weekly pool or
something.
Gene asks about the world title, and Goldberg says he doesn't care who has
it, making a reference to King Kong (but not Awesome Kong), but he doesn't
need the belt to be the Champ. Let's make it more surreal as we close it
out. "You know, I don't think it's a question - Goldberg, I don't think
it's a question of who's next, I think it's a question of who's left?" "No,
see, that's where you're wrong. It ain't who's left, it's - WHO'S NEXT?"
Well, I mean, didn't he just SAY ... HUH? I swear, I'm laughing
uncontrollably 'cause I'm just SO DAMN CONFUSED."
Scott Steiner: "I'm gonna find a freak, puther on a leash, and get my
release."
KENNY KAOS v. COLD BEER - I thought I heard Rage's name
mentioned! You know what'd be funny? If Goldberg actually GOT
the submission with that leglock and didn't get a chance to
hit the spear and jackhammer for the fans. Get that "NO
MULLET HEADS" sign out of the crowd! Oh boy, this match is
going on forever. I'd go to the bathroom but I'm REALLY
worried I'll miss some smokin' commentary by the crack team.
Page is wearing his belt backwards - hey, that's TRADITION! I
kinda like it.
WCW - now with MATZOH BALLS! Speaking of kosher wrestling, a white
car pulls up, Goldberg (rated TV-PG-DV) gets out and shouts to the camera.
OH MY GOD!!! Everybody sing with me:
"American Males / American Males / American Males / American Males /
American Males / American Males / American Males / American Males..."
Riki Rachtman and DJ Ran kick it up another level - if Yakima had a
clue,they'd BOO Rachtman out of the building. Spice stands nearby, at least
giving me something to look at while this crap is on. I think Ran wasn't
made aware of the script earlier as he keep saying he wants Steiner to beat
Page tonight. Oh well.
Tonight: Will Page accept the challenge? Also tonight, Scott
Steiner and Konnan - the real losers are the FANS!
Later tonight, World Heavyweight title bout - Page and
Goldberg! I already give it four stars, Dean!
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new World Cruiserweight
Champion! (20:40) AND IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME. Psychosis
rocks your sheep. Wendy's presents the Big Classic Slam of
the Show - Psychosis takes out three men with one dive.
Here's the legdrop on Blitzkrieg and the pinfall. I hope he
keeps the belt A YEAR. (Yeah, not likely - but at least
TONIGHT I'm happy).
PIT STOP!! Aw, that's all nostalgic and old-timey - now let's never
see it again.
Hey, is it just a PATTERN or COINCIDENCE that Nitro gets better when
Hogan's far away from it? Think about it.
Coming up later - Flair vs. Nash! AND A GRAPHIC! I can't say how good
it is to see some graphics, by the way. That isn't even sarcasm, you
people who twist EVERYTHING I say into some sort of WCW bashing!
Piper kinda filters into a "mwah mwah mwah" while I'm
listening to him.
Backstage, the NWO Black'n'White is hangin' out - Konnan
(pink shirt! Ewww!) happens by and Stevie Ray asks him if
he's got a minute - Big Kev's lookin' for him. Konnan says he
doesn't run with the 'Pac anymore, so a four on one beatdown
commences. I don't know what all that's about, but I liked
seeing it!
Someone, somewhere, is in some house, let me tell you. Nash is
apparently
in Hogan territory when it comes to getting no chyron love (because
you're
SO BIG you don't NEED a graphic with your name on it!)
You don't suppose Nash would job out himself a THIRD time this year,
do you? I'll change my whole tune on him if he does.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where You See what You Just Seen
Page drapes a leg across the steps, grabs a chair and makes the big
WHACK sound
That's, like, a COMPLIMENT, in case you're ready to overlook it and
write me asking me why I'm so hard on WCW. Not that I'm bitter or
anything.
Ha!
Randy Savage... lets us know that Gorgeous George has NO
experience, so he got him a trainer for her match with
Charles Robinson - and holy smokes, Batman, it's MADUSA!
She's always wanted to wrestle a man, so she'll be happy to
help train George to beat ANY man in WCW. She's in WCW to
make a difference. Damn, is it just me, or does she look -
older?
I actually thought I heard Tony's voice change as one of the
women made it into the ring! Of course, since Nitro is G-
rated, we immediately go to crowd shots. This must be what
watching RAW on TSN is like. Steiner immediately says
"hooches" to excite me like none other.
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! And they have CHAIRS! DJ Ran
gets all up in my area - NITROSTYLE.
That Piper/Flair match sure will smoke, though won't it?
Wait...not smoke...what's the word I'm looking for....oh
yeah, "suck!"
Goldberg has managed to climb back into the ring - Page grabs
him and he's gonna do the ringpost figure four - but BIG
POOCHIE is out to break things up...he's *rescuing* Goldberg!
MY HERO! I think Goldberg just helped him move his hair out
of his face!
This is a Trenchcoat Mafia reference-free recap.
If eleven MILLION people watch Nitro each week, does that mean I
reach .01% of their audience? FEEL MY POWER (I think we're both
exaggerating a bit)
WCW - pareve
TV-PG-DV Closed Captioned "LAST WEEK" montage shows Piper getting
Flair committed, getting fired, and getting my dander up.
Tonight, we open up the show with a skit from inside the
"Central Florida Mental Hospital." Flair acts like this is a
hotel and he owns it. The nurse says there's no Nitro
tonight. I cannot do this justice. I believe this bit is
actually insulting to four or five different groups of
people.
DJ RAN gets all up in my area. I scarcely have the strength.
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. (THIS IS) STING for the World
Heavyweight Championship... Sting's wearing his "sad mime"
face tonight. Page gets the cascading boos - and he thinks he
LIKES it!
Thank God the crowd is drowning out the commentators - I
mean, hey, why can't those sound guys fix it so I can hear
the commentators?
You know, for a last minute booked, desperate, ratings grabbing, shock
world title change, that was a pretty good match. Thank you, you've been
beautiful!
Piper to Charles Robinson: "You little leprechaun! I could eat bowls of
soup off your head!"
Coming up later - Four way Hardcore action! No, not like that.
Am I going to make a weekly habit out of not providing any
play-by-play
for the Nitro opening event, instead asking an unbroken string of
questions?
Perhaps.
DJ Ran is all up in my area - I believe the Naughty By Nature jam
he's groovin' for us is SIX YEARS OLD. But don't hold his lack of
freshness against his ability to be fresh. Or something.
Dueling backslides but Page's trick knee acts up - trying the
Diamond Cutter but Sting holds onto the top ropes in the
corner - moving out again - Sting turns it into a Scorpion
Death Drop - 1, 2, 3!!!!!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a
new World Heavyweight Champion. (19:45) Stay tuned, and when
we come back, I'll damn this match with faint praise!
PSICOSIS contra REY MISTERIO JR. para el campeonato de
Cruiserweight del mundo - Psychosis has a towel over his head
with holes in it for his horns - that's a gas, baby!
Champion enters second as he should. Damn, is Nitro getting
good on us or what? Rey better not win, by the way.
BOOKA T. v. THE MONSTER MENG for the World Television
Championship... As much as I like Meng, he shouldn't take away Booker T.'s
belt. It's "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" vs. "Hohohohohohoho -
hohohohoho" for the title.
The All-New Nitro Girls website goes online following next
Monday's Nitro! Stay tuned for more information! Quick, get
those pictures of Tayo before they're COMPLETELY obliterated!
Let's take a special video look at Kevin Nash - this guy runs
his fingers through his hair even more than *I* do!
Flair and the mental patients dance all night and dance a
little longer, and just to make this even MORE incredibly
surreal - *Scott Hall* appears, and throws a toothpick in
Flair's face. What the FUCK?!?
Coming up - four way hardcore action! We're AMORTIZING the cost
of these graphics with every bumper!
HAK (with Chastity and kendo stick) v. MIKEY (0-4) SHIPWRECK
(with kendo stick) v. HORACE (hogan) (with kendo stick) v.
NASTY BRIAN KNOBS (with kendo stick) in Hardcore Action - No
entrances for anybody! Hooray!... Play-by-play is kinda like
this: kendo stick shot, kendo stick shot, kendo stick shot,
ladder shot, ladder shot, kendo stick shot, pit stop, ad
break, so you can just IMAGINE the excitement. Believe it or
not, I don't MIND an ad break here...almost makes you wonder
what Pod Person's taken over my body, doesn't it?
Knobs whips Hak into a ladder and then hits him with a plastic "piso
mijado" sign. {cuidado!}
Chastity's got a Pooh bear on her back? Is that a message to
us?
[Knobs:] "The gates of Nastyville have now been opened, so
get ready to feel the taste of Nasty Sensation!"
Schiavone taunts random fans at ringside. Somebody's gonna pop
him one if he keeps that up - mark my words.
Here's the "Gorgeous George training video." This looks even
better than the first time I saw it - when SABLE was in it!
WCW - it's good for you like chicken soup!
I must point out that I'm addicted to watching the "Jenny Jones trial" on CourtTV. I can't lose! If Jenny Jones loses, Time/Warner is stuck with a huge settlement, so can LAUGH and LAUGH at them! If they *don't* lose, I can LAUGH and LAUGH at Geoffrey Fieger, cause he annoys the SHIT out of me!
It's Flair on the phone to Charles! He's got Double A, Double D (nurse), and - oh God help us all, a bus full of mental patients on the way to Nitro with him. Arn's expression pretty much sums up how I feel about this. IN THE FIRST MINUTE OF NITRO, I HAVE ALREADY BEEN TURNED AGAINST IT. It's not MY fault - they DRIVE me to it!
Riki Rachtman interviews JERRY NADEAU, who drove to an exciting Top 20 finish (meaning he finished 20th) in yesterday's California 500...
Cat with a kick or something. I've stopped paying attention. God, I can't go on. It's just too much for me. I cannot handle the intricate ballet that is the Cat and Buff Bagwell.
Wanna join a secret society devoted to WCW? Well, tough, you're not special enough.
THE MAN arrives, along with the NURSE DOUBLE D, ARN ANDERSON, CHARLES ROBINSON, JAMES J. DILLON - various assorted NUTSOS having dawdled in the back, apparently.... You know, that nurse ain't bad lookin' but that's really NOT her colour as far as lipstick goes.
Madusa's skirt apparently needs constant adjustment - poor Madusa, all that fidgeting.
Goldberg roars. ROAR!
HAK (without Chastity) v. BAM BAM BIGELOW in a hardcore match - This match gets a special little "HARDCORE MATCH" graphic, just so you know it's a hardcore match. Hak has a ladder and cane, but no Chastity - guess she's off making another (ahem) film.
Cat with a kick or something. I've stopped paying
attention. God, I can't go on. It's just too much for me. I cannot
handle the intricate ballet that is the Cat and Buff Bagwell. Anybody who
actually reads this far is in for a real treat, you know. Normally
I'm DEEP into some REAL boring play-by-play, NOBODY likes it but it
makes the report extra long and can kill a LOT of time if you're REALLY bored
and can manage to turn my words into mental pictures of the match in
question.
What was my point again?
DJ RAN is all up in my area, Peter Piper style. Run DMC sure
was cool - FOURTEEN YEARS AGO. Well, okay, they're cool now.
You know, it's too EASY to just take pot shots at Tony's overall
LOOK. I prefer to limit my invective to his inane commentary, so I believe I
shall postpone.
Can you IMAGINE how pissed I would have been if I'd actually bothered
to provide you with play by play commentary? Hey WCW, I won't do
the NEXT hardcore match either.
I get several letters from people who took me to task for being so down on last week's four way match. So instead, I'll take Heenan's advice - "you can't call this match - you just sit back and enjoy it." Oooh. Ahhh. Hey, look at that!
Hey, here's my dream Konnan interview: "Yo yo yo, let me speak on dis - orale!" Crowd: "Shut up!" Konnan: "Arriba la raza!" Crowd: "You suck white boy!"
Poor Konnan, his camoflauge pants are so tight and his balls are so big he has to shake things around, just to keep the circulation going! Crowd is looking at something that isn't this match so we cut to an angle that doesn't have the crowd in it. By not bothering to do play by play for THIS match, I'm not really being fair - to Horace.
Cut to Stevie Ray, who says "fruit booty" again - I *love* it when he
does that.
what Spice finds attractive in a man is "wit, kind heart, confidence,
personality and, oh, yes, a great butt!!" Hell, that describes me TO A T,
baby!
Well, okay, my butt doesn't warrant two exclamation points...
We get a quick shot of some more breasts and Randy Savage as we go to ad
break - now don't you DARE change the channel or you'll miss the breasts!
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! I think I saw Kimberly's nipples through that shirt! I KNOW I saw Spice's headlights! Damn, I never remember getting so excited over a G-rated show! Somebody vidcap this for me! I'm SO lonely! You know Spice is a chiropractor? I can imagine her on her knees working over my back...oh sorry
The Nitro Girls play with the mental patients - I wish I were a mental
patient
Ric Flair vs. DDP is TONIGHT! You WILL worship this graphic!
Flair to the top - DON'T DO IT FLAIR! THAT NEVER WORKS!
FLAIR FLIP! to the top rope - THE DOUBLE AXEHANDLE HITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Crowd realises they're seeing history and goes apeshit.
What the HELL was my good time close personal friend Rick Scaia smoking to sport such wood over Hardcore Heaven? I'm telling you, I got more from both Taka Michinoku AND Super Crazy (Loco) from "Los SuperAstros" than from that PPV. Maybe it was just Papi Chulo's cool hairdo. And hey, given the choice between Tammy Lynn Sytch and Maria Felipe, who are YOU gonna choose? Well, you're probably gonna choose Tammy - BUT YOU'RE WRONG!!
"More than anything, I'm just amazed at the utter lack of anything to
complain about..." Who wrote, that Scaia or Scherer? Please. Jesus,
Rick, put the bourbon down already. Admitting you have a problem is the
first step. Thank you.
Hey, lookitme! I'm BITING THE HAND THAT FEEDS ME!
Ric's accompanied by ARN ANDERSON, ASYA, and CHARLES ROBINSON. Heh heh, "Asya." It's so clever, isn't it? "Asya." Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....damn, the cleverness of it all just floors me. God DAMN WCW is the coolest on earth.
Tony says we still didn't get an answer if Flair's the president or not, but later tonight we'll get Tonight Show clips featuring Kevin Nash, so it's all good!
Here's a Special Chat with Eric Bischoff, whose hair is coming back in nicely. I know better, but here's a transcript.... You know, it was only 15 February when Bischoff was Flair's CHAUFFER. I guess three months is the expected memory retention of the average WCW fan.
Here's a Special Video Look at Bret Hart and Goldberg, complete with super cool musical accompaniment and clips from Slamboree of Hart chairing Goldberg - and HERE, from the Tonight Show, is ... Kevin Nash ... let me check again ... yes, Kevin Nash ... Kevin Nash, who is NOT Goldberg ...okay ... Kevin Nash, putting up $250,000 in a challenge to fight Bret Hart on the Tonight Show. Because, naturally, it only makes SENSE to have Kevin Nash stick up for Goldberg, because...because...
Let's see - you're Eric Bischoff. Your company is getting its ass handed to them by the other company - losing by as many as four ratings points. Things appear to be getting even worse. Morale is low amongst the locker room employees. How do you work to solve the problem? What's the first step you take? That's right! You cut a series of promos in an attempt to rehabilitate your image!
I love Booker T. No matter what kinda shit's going on, he
always keeps on keepin' on.
Booker T says he's seven time tag champ, six time TV champ, and tonight seven time TV champ, no diggity doubt. Can u dig it? Uhhhhhh! Booker T. scares the HELL out of Gene by giving him a big hug. I love Booker T.
Charles Robinson is "the first referee in history without pants."
NEXT! The Mixed Tag match! This is the LAST time you see
this set of graphics! And - Yes - WCW counterprograms the
beginning of RAW with TITS!
WCW new logo T-shirt - "SHUT UP AND WRESTLE" indeed! RAW's
gonna KILL you in the "amount of wrestling in the first two hours plus" at
this rate!
Piper says that Flair appeared in drag, he's got Robinson "stalking RuPaul," oh it gets worse, Y2K/KY jelly joke, "Phantom Menace"/Hillary Clinton joke - you can actually HEAR the crowd turning on him here. Ric "chases himself around the desk." Piper makes his weekly "Dennis Rodman" reference. Flair met Dr. Kevorkian - Kevorkian tried to kill himself. He thinks Viagra is the world's biggest waterfall. Hey, Piper, flop sweat - feel it!
RICK WOOF WOOF (without Ted DiBiase) v. BOOKA T. in a return match - you can tell Rick's evil now because he's got a 'do-rag on.
Hennig gives Konnan a knee in the back, booting him out of the
ring. Savage has no problem tearing him apart on the outside, then rolls him in for Hennig.
HENNIGPLEX HITS! 1, 2, 3! MATCH OF THE WEEK! MATCH OF THE YEAR!!!
Sting with a kick, Steiner with a forearm. Cable choke to the King of Cable! Steiner rolls him back in. Tony: "It was a Sting buffet!" HUH?
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by SNICKERS! Watching a Bischoff interview? SNICKERS!
Raven says he was always an Afrika Bambataa ("Bambitaw") fan. Lots of quotes from Bischoff - he wants to bring music into the world of wrestling "in a much bigger, broader way." "It's never been done." "Tommy Boy has their finger on the pulse." "Nothing's better than kicking ass to music."
I'll be "back" next week...
Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls! You know, I could help Spice with that wayward strap, if only she'd LET me.
We see photos of Guerrero's car and hear that Eddie had a lacerated
liver, reconstructive surgery on his shin and ankle, and a broken head
socket. Yikes.
Page doesn't want to wait for the pay-per-view, he wants Raven & Saturn - TONIGHT! Right - HERE! Because they're got East Coast - ATTITUDE! I love it when Page accentuates the last word of every - SENTENCE!
THE NEW LOOK VAN HAMMER (with Big Bubba's music) v. EVAN KARAGIAS -
Oh,come on. Highlight of this match is Bobby Heenan saying "That was
a horrible car accident Eddie Guerrero had - you know, there were 75
people in that car!" (Cobra clutch slam -> pin 6:45) 10-10-321 provides
replays of a nice superplex and the finisher. Hammer: "YOU MADE ME!" CRZ:
"Hey,don't look at ME, pal."
Hey, look, it's CHAE & TYGRESS groovin' to the smooth sounds of Jocelyn Enriquez with lotsa scratchin' over it! Afterwards, they'll go have a Coke!
Piper says things are falling apart and I'll see you at the Bash,
then TURNS HIS BACK ON FLAIR - what a maroon.
Rey with a punch to break it and there's the hot tag to Konnan.
I am very unhappy that the roof blows off the joint.
The camera finds an OWEN 1965-1999 sign - I can't BELIEVE the sign
police didn't confiscate them! Bischoff says he hasn't talked to Bret
Hart, but this is time for the Hart family. Awww, Bischoff CARES.
Oops, sorry, that just slipped out.
WCW still owes me a long-ass match for these short-ass segments. "Hey,
CRZ, what makes you think WCW OWES you anything?" "Well, that's a figure
of speech."
WCW T-shirt - "Shut up and wrestle?" Is THAT what it says? Do I even
WANT to go there?
Bischoff would probably think I'm a girl, too - sigh
K-Dogg Bombay off da hook shirt str8 up g'z 4 evah - rarrrrr must buy
T-shirt
Backstage, Buff Bagwell asks Flair for a match with Randy Savage -
Flair says he can't have the match because he's not in Savage's league - but
he CAN have a match with Bobby Eaton! Bagwell: "Does he even work
here anymore?" Flair: "Marquee match!" Bagwell: "I'm Buff and I'm the
stuff!" Anderson: "Bobby's got him nervous!" Man, this will bring the smarts
to WCW in DROVES, baby!"
Saturn comes out alone to his music, which I haven't heard for a long
time, yet STILL reminds me of "Beautiful People," which opened every
episode of RAW for a few months a couple years ago and must make people
extremely happy that I point that out. Saturn says a handicap match is fine
with him, proving that the foam must have gone straight to his brain or
something.
RANDY SAVAGE (with Madusa 6) v. ? - did Heenan say "the commercials are more fun than the matches?" and mean that in a GOOD way?
SMOKIN' HAK (with Pornstar) v. PRINCE IAUKEA (no entrance) - everyone makes a big deal out of Hak smoking so it looks like he's stealing Giant's gig, har har. This man has NO regard for authority! Geez, next he'll start drinkin' BEER or something!
Apparently, Bischoff was dunked with beer by some drunk fans while this was going on. I wanna thank those guys, whoever they are.
Kidman has no problems with both Morrus and Knobss - but then, after
one shot on Hart, Morrus comes back - there's a rare powerbomb on Kidman
that works!
DJ RAN is all up in my area - what's he saying, "keh?" You
know, the REAL "rowdiest section in the building" would STORM his ass.
THIS week Ran is an Indians fan. Suck up.
Bischoff goes on to make fun of the "Higher Power" because he's being sued for $110 million. He really puts the "K" in "classy," don't he?
Bischoff accuses Riggs of ripping off Mr. #1derful Paul Orndorff. Ripping people off? Don't go THERE, my man!
Finisher is a Rocker Dropper for the pin. I think we could have had
this go about HALF as long. (6:21) Another hip swivel is
kept out of the fram. 1-800-COLLECT brings you the replay of the
as-yet-unrenamed finisher - hey, I've got a cool name! "Fame'asser!"
Of course, Lane pulls down Riggs' tights and we see his ass. Bob Ryder would approve of this "accidental" exposure because (1) it's a guy's ass instead of some chick's tits and (2) it's WCW, a company to which Ryder once referred by saying "I'm a shill."
I *believe* this first hour has taken approximately 2.5 hours. Hey look - it's the Nitro Girls! How DOES Fyre keep her balance anyway? The poor
girl. I'm PRETTY sure that that kind of flesh wigglin' is NOT intended
for a prying child's eyes.
If there's any justice in this sport, Benoit & Flair will win the
titles and go on to have a long, productive reign with no inner tension
between them. The LAST thing we'd want to see here is for Flair to
turn on Benoit one more time, then have Benoit and Saturn team up for a
tag team title shot this Sunday. Oops, have I been reading ahead
again? Ha!
Boy, that Eric Bischoff is just too cool for school.
Eric Bischoff commences with the hyena laugh as if this was the
funniest thing he's ever seen in his life. I bet he LOVED Cesar Romero as
the Joker because he's a DEAD soundalike.
DJ RAN, STORM, and SPICE get all up in my area. Hey, I WISH. Ran could take a hike. Storm can watch. Maybe film it.
ASAI MOONSAULT FROM SILVER KING!! Dammit, Tony, STOP LAUGHING.
Listening to Hennig and Konnan, I can't help but think that THIS is what those Lincoln/Douglas debates must have been like.
Tony breathlessly hypes "Assault on Death Mountain." Hey Tony,
assault THIS!
Hey look - it's the Nitro Girls! Heenan says "Never miss a step" and I do
believe he's serious - oh Gosh. Tony proclaims his love for Spice - you
stay away from her, you fat, married....oh sorry
Say, who was driving that Hummer anyway?
Tony says his mind was away from this match, not only from all the banter between Hennig and Konnan, but because his thoughts are with Big Sexy Kevin Nash. Make your own joke here.
Tony asks again, who's the Humvee driver? I'll bet we don't find out for three months! Or EVER!
The STEINER BROTHERS walk out and I'm guessing
that I'm spared from wrestling for another segment. Don't I have
anything better to do tonight? It could be worse, I suppose -
"Steinerline" could be playing.
I'm thinking those CENSORS should (mute). HEY! I only
said "lay off the button!" Is "lay" a bad word now? It
is? Oh. Sorry.
SPICE sure makes glowsticks look good - hey, I have a glowstick she could use...oh God, I'm SORRY, that sounds SO awful. I blame Jocelyn Enriquez for recording "A Little Bit of Ecstasy," and totally ripping off Planet Soul in the process.
You know, sometimes I almost forget that Savage is bald. Just kidding.
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN, who are radiant, basking in the afterglow of the Great American Bash...
DJ RAN is all up in our area. He wants to know where the rowdiest section in the building is, but he won't get off his ass and leave his wheels of steel to find out. Somebody scream! Because you HATE DJ Ran!
Let Us Take You Back to Last Night and some stills from last night, where Mister P and the 2 Unlimited Soldiers showed up for no apparent reason.
Curt Hennig's new theme, "I Hate Rap," made last night's pay-per-view
WORTH the ENTIRE price of admission! Tony says "Be quiet, let's listen to
the lyrics" - and then the sound guys promptly play an INSTRUMENTAL version
of the theme. Whoops.
Who wears short shorts? Windham wears short shorts!
Tony says that we didn't see who was driving the Hummer tonight - just like last week. Oh, God, please keep it coming.
Looking out on this crowd, I can't help but notice that a lot of suckers paid good money to watch this live.
Gene O. acts as MC with a dias consisting of Konnan, Mini Konnan and Eric Bischoff and an empty chair. Chuckle as Gene says "I Miss My Homiez"
Bischoff says that P and the Soldiers have a very positive perspective - their music, philosophy and approach to entertainment and life in general will bring a lot to WCW. Oh my.
Bischoff says that we better hurry to pick up our Superdome Nitro tickets,
because Mister P will be there to make noise - if you're into that, you
know, as opposed to, say, WRESTLING.
WCW MasterCard ad is full of obsolescence and inconsistency - but by its very nature, that MAKES it consistent.
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Naya water (which you
need after scarfing down a Slim Jim), the Super Soaker CPS 2500 &
3000 (fill it with Naya!), Motel 6 7/8 (Ummm, I have no link to the Super
Soaker here), and IceSport by Aqua Velva - use it before taking your date to your
room at the Motel 6!
George does one of those stripper dances that I'm pretty sure Bob Ryder once referred to as "as wholesome as the breast milk of a loving mother."
Flair and Piper do a little dance, but before they can make a little love, DEAN MALENKO strides with purpose to the ring.
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Say, isn't that the same
outfit Chae wore when her nipple - oh, never mind.
HUGH MORRUS (with James Hart) v. (billy) KIDMAN - This match could be a pay-per-view matchup in WCW! HOWEVER, that's not a compliment by any means.
Hey, Page is wearing a SCOOPS shirt! Surely this is a sign of
the Impending Apocalypse!
Cat starts his James Brown impersonation. James Brown!
James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! James
Brown! I'm not old enough to be making that reference, and most people reading
this aren't old enough to have ANY idea what I'm doing now. James
Brown! James Brown! James Brown!
Good Lord, that looks a lot like (THE LOVELY) SABLE in the audience
of this main event. We can only imagine why this makes Eric
Bischoff laugh like a hyena. *I* can only imagine what kind of countersuit
Mrs. Mero may have opened herself up for in exchange for the opportunity
to appear on a TV screen one more time, for a bit over thirty seconds.
Sting grabs a mic and continues to the ring. I bet it's good to be
back - good to be back in black.
DJ Ran says "yeah yeah" a couple hundred times because, as you may
have heard, he's all up in our area.
Here's the cover of "Detour," showing Dennis Rodman. Eric Bischoff is
happy to announce that despite the fact that his last appearance ended in a
lawsuit, he'll be back again for WCW's One Hot Summer. I can't WAIT to
watch him wrestle another match more worried about his 'do-rag staying on
that actually wrestling.
Bischoff makes me laugh twice by describing Hammer as "methodical," while, for an encore, describing Disco as "polished."
Ran asks the crowd to say "hell (mute)" - I didn't know you couldn't say "yeah" on Nitro, anymore. How come Ran's big turntable move is to play a record backwards, REALLY fast?
LA PARKA y PSICOSIS c. KONNAN y REY MYSTERIO JR. (con Mister P y No Limit Soldiers) - I am TOO depressed for words...
Mister P takes a mic and tells the "cowboys" they're gonna get "rowdy
rowdy bowdy bowdy hootie hoo" and the crowd BOOS. I hope P cashed his
cheques already. Bischoff: "I think they're having themselves some fun!" P
looks around and then breaks a prized piece of Ran's vinyl collection.
Bischoff intimates that the competition offered P three times the money
just before the ad break. That's EDGY of him. I wonder if he's got proof.
Nah.
The perfect way to end the perfect night. Let Bischoff's voice
be the last one I hear.
Okay, let's start the DoingLines.com report. The editor will get the text below - if you're bored, you can compare this to what goes up on that site (if it goes up?) and see what my future holds on The Only Wrestling Site Bill Cosby Will Surf While Sitting Next to Mike Wallace...
Why is it okay for ME to sit through all three hours of Nitro?
Opening credits - do not stare directly into the logo
By the way, a got a letter from a friend of a friend of a friend of ... I mean "one of my many inside sources"
Hey, look, it's MISTER P and SILKK DA SHOKKA and SEA-DOO come out to rap
along with whatever was played over the PA, presumably a hit of P's which
sold millions of copies despite the fact that I've managed to never hear it
until now. "Hootie Hoo" is said a lot - I'm sorry to tell this to WCW, but
I have determined that this is a secret "code" used amongst the urban
populace. It means - now I'm warning you - look away if you don't want to
become disturbed - please, I'm BEGGING you - "hootie hoo" means "Kill
Whitey." There, I said it. I'm as scared as you are! This rousing
performance, slightly more skilled than your standard lip sync, is met with
... I would characterise it as "a restrained response" from the live crowd.
I made out something like ZERO of the lyrics, which is probably good for me
- and Bob Ryder! P promises a big No Limit party. P asks the crowd to make
some noise - and the crowd dutifully answers with "Make some noise."
Umm.... If you had to decide between this and a Konnan video, what would
YOU choose? No, death is NOT an option, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Hey, let me share with you how pathetic MY life is. I TAPED "WCW Nitro: Festival de Lucha" last Saturday so that I could hear the Spanish announcers NOT laugh during the Mexican Hardcore match. And it was worth it.
If you had to decide between this and a Konnan video, what would YOU
choose? No, death is NOT an option, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
K-Dogg shills his shirt. I bet you can buy it off some link on
WrestleLine. I mean, *I* wouldn't, but hell, I'm not gonna stop you,
especially if you're a str8 up G 4 eva!
Konnan speaks in license plates, doesn't he?
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN. Tony asks "Who's
driving the Hummer?" Hummer. Hahahahahaha. Oh, the sexual overtones.
Hummer. I wish they'd say it again. Hummer. Hahahahahahahaha.
Hummer.
Backstage, Lenny Lane debates the merits of yellow trunks or purple trunks - I guess he didn't get the memo from Eric Bischoff about the yellow. Lodi approaches him with "love the purple trunks" and ... it just gets gayer from there. Massage is involved. Lane says he lasts a long time and has great stamina. A bottle of hand lotion is on a shelf nearby. Lane says it feels good and Lodi has great thumbs. Christ almighty, I have enough problems denying I watch pro wrestling because it allows me to exercise otherwise repressed homoerotic tendencies - and they throw up THIS?
PSICOSIS v. (billy) KIDMAN - Psych covers the camera with his towel because he's the COOLEST mofo on EARTH. Commentators are too busy talking about Hennig and Master P to bother with this trifling piffle of a match. "Boy, he had this place rockin', didn't he?" Have another.
Lane complains to the camera, and Themonstermeng says
"hooaamahooaalala." Lodi fans Lane, then rubs him while the Chant
continues. I'm kinda hoping next week Lodi and Lane re-enact the newly
restored bath scene from "Spartacus."
In a perfect world, James Brown would run in and KICK the Cat's ASS for
even DARING to imitate him like that.
Hey, WCW, do you really think it's a GOOD idea to ask me to invest
seventeen minutes in a match so you can deliver a FUCKING run-in
screwjob? Go to hell.
Assume the position! The Bash at the Beach logo will not be denied! Join it or die! Can you do any less?
Does Buffer's hair seem a little off tonight?
Sting says they have two words for them - and the crowd says "suck it" - oops, I'm SURE that wasn't supposed to air. QUICK, end the show!
"Because we've gotten so much mail on the subject, we'd like to clear it up once and for all. CRZ's recaps will appear in their entirety on WrestleLine.... We may remove an f-word here and there, but we WILL let CRZ be CRZ. Ramble on, CRZ." Translation: "When we stops making us money, he's out on his ass." FRICK YEAH!
Curt Hennig's country video! Hey, what's the first syllable of "country" again? Why, it's A WORD YOU CAN'T SAY ON WRESTLELINE!
Flair goes on to invite out Savage, because he wants to give him a public apology. Does the word "clusterfrick" come to mind? Possibly.
DJ RAN is all up in my area and wants to know where the rowdiest section
in the building is. I wish he'd go find out by walking around instead of
talking on a mic and playing music. Also, he's wearing a Sox jersey but
asking where the Cubs fans are. Whatever.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier in the Show as Flair and Wirtz MacArthur
remind us that David Flair will be bigger than Michael Jordan. "I wanna be
like Dave! I wanna be like Dave! I wanna be like Dave!" Flair asks the
statue to chant along - and it doesn't.
THAT WAS THE WHOLE SEGMENT! Two ads and an "earlier tonight!" Wooooooo!
THIS IS WCW! IS this gonna be an hour-closing pattern from now on? (Well,
we know they won't do it in the THIRD hour....ummm, will they?)
Lodi: "Lenny - settle down. You got me - and I got you, babe." Anybody wanna bet this turns into a bad Saturday Night Live sketch? Tune in next week when Lodi says "Whaaaat? But that's INSANE!" Yes, friends - LODI THE EFFEMINATE HETEROSEXUAL! By the way, Lane's acting skills rank slightly below "bad porn." Elsewhere on the Web, Bob Ryder will hail this as "the type of adult, edgy storyline that will return WCW to their previous dominance, much like when they won 88 weeks in a row."
Eddie has this match because he's after all his former LWO stablemate, and who can forget that fateful night when Lodi removed his LWO T-shirt and...wait a minute.
HAK (with a woman who once performed fellatio in a pornographic movie - but how would YOU like it if it were YOUR wife or daughter? The shame! The horror! How DARE we continue to dredge up these sordid details simply for the entertainment of our reading audience! WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS END?)
STEVIE RAY & VINCENZO & HORACE (hogan) & BRIAN ADAMS (it's only love - and that's all) v. CURT HENNIG & BARRY & KENDALL WINDHAM & BOBBY DUNCUM, JNR... All right, I'll do play-by-play but I won't enjoy it. Adams and Barry start - nah, I won't do it.
THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION CAT (with Sonny Onoo and the ruby
slippers) v. DISCO INFERNO in a dance contest - Tony mentions that the
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Does Storm have a new haircut or what?
Anyway, there's Kimberly, there's Chae, there's Fyre. Where's Spice?
Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice?
Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice?
Bash at the Beach is 13 days away! It's NEVER to early to call your
cable company and ... oh forget it.
DJ Ran gets all up in my area for a third time. I'd like to publicly
offer myself to any WCW personnel who may be reading this - for a
FRACTION of what you're paying Master P, I'll GUARANTEE you the same
ratings spike that he brought. That is, none at all with an option to
actually LOWER the ratings. Hell, if I get lucky and the
ratings actually go UP, by even a tenth, then you can justify it as
money well spent and get promoted! It's WIN/WIN, BABY! Hell, for REAL
fun just pair me with Madden. Not only will the audience revel in the
exchange of insults, but sitting next to him, I'll look REALLY thin!
DJ RAN is getting entirely too much time up in my area. He asks if anybody wants to take a Nitro Girl home - is he their pimp now?
DISCLAIMER: I have a headache - I will PRETEND it's stress-related from
dealing with this site and all its nonsense, however it's most likely
because this is the first night in about five that I haven't had some
alcohol of some sort.
Hi there, I'm the Artist formerly known as C. R. Z[ed]. and this is my little weekly barrage of Music for the Masters. I mean Massas - MASSES! Occasionally I'll even take a break from bashing This Fine Site Known As WrestleLine and talk about the wrestling shows on the telly! It's WILD!
Have you heard? I "bring my unique perspective to WrestleLine with my Nitro and Raw reports." I think we can all agree that the winner is YOU, THE LOYAL READER!
LAST WEEK: Despite the machinations of a cast of thousands, David Flair failed to wrest the title from 'round the supple waist of the one who is Big and Sexy - the Centre of our Universe went on to not only win the lovely maiden fair Torrie Wilson, then went on to kidnap Gorgeous George, we saw several shots of someone who isn't Sting, but was enough Sting to fool the idiot announcers. On THUNDER!, Savage took back George - oh no, it was only Torrie in disguise. Damn that Nash is not only Big and Sexy, but clever!
Hey, look, it's the NITRO GIRLS! Spice is FINALLY back and I swear, if she keeps getting haircuts, the woman will be bald by the time the millennium comes around. They ALMOST appear to be dancing this week, by the way.
GOOD LORD there's a bungload of empty seats - I'm thinking that's a bad camera angle to give me even if it *does* show off the FIREWORKS! This is Turner Network Television and you will not forget it!
JUICE GUERRERA v. CHAVO GUERRERO, JNR... In case you're wondering, this is the first time in 1999 that Chavo's wrestled a Cruiserweight on this show. Juvi rides around on an air Pepe, but because that happened four months ago, the commentators don't remember and don't bring it up. Remember, the statute of limitations on WCW angles is THREE months.
Nash pops up on a viewscreen, with Torrie behind him in a slut outfit. Nash is just TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL. Damn, not only is he Big and Sexy, he's THE KING OF CLEVER-CLEVER LAND! And now Nash and Savage are vamping like they haven't bothered to work out a script beforehand. Savage says unintelligible stuff, and Nash stares blankly into the camera like "Whaa?" Nash says George is getting dressed right now, and he and Torrie laugh like it's the funniest thing on earth. George shows up and she's like "I'm SOOO blonde, huh?" and is she wearing a Nash T-shirt? Who knows, who cares. Say, didn't Savage have Torrie on Thursday? Say, he didn't give HER back, did he? That would have been tactically unwise of him. They're STILL talking. Okay, we're out.
DJ RAN is all up in your area and he wants to know where the rowdiest
section in the Dome is. Also, he's wearing a Braves jersey - I hate to
say it, but I'm starting to suspect he just wears the jersey of whatever
local team corresponds to whatever city they're in - and he's not really
a fan AT ALL! That's so - so - UNTRUTHFUL of him!
By popular request, I pull out a failed catchphrase and reveal that THIS
MATCH IS THE PRETZELS!
Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls! And you can see their ASSES! That's not
very family friendly!
Bash at the Beyotch is SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
All Pro Wrestling is TOO HOT TO HANDLE! Support your local indy - if you're in the Bay Area or Silicon Valley - APW is YOUR TICKET TO ACTION! (I should point out that I'm probably staying home and I'm a big hypocrite, but don't let that stop YOU!)
Schiavone has the *audacity* to suggest that David Flair has *no* wrestling ability despite the fact that he was dubbed the Second Coming not too long ago by One Bob Ryder.
Just when it appears that a flicker of emotion will cross the face of David - no, never mind, only a false alarm.
Coming Up: more excerpts from that "Crush 'em" video! Boy that mouse has it rough. Here's a Special Video Look at Sting - how DARE he wear a trenchcoat!
Goldberg: "I'll trade you these three for a Goldberg." Meng: "Nope!" Meng speaks ENGLISH? I can't believe in ANYTHING anymore.
This IS a bad dream, right? I'm gonna wake up and they'll NOT be TRYING so hard to frick this company up?
DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR (with The Man, Asya & Arn Anderson) v. BUFF IS THE STUFF for the United States Heavyweight Title... That this match leads off the third hour is both amusing and alarming. In case you haven't figured it out yet, dear readers, I AM BIASED. Against WCW? No, against STUPIDITY.
Hak and the porn star "take over the transmission".... He'll take on any comer that ... comes. Can you believe it? ANOTHER fine addition to another quality effort you can ONLY see on W - C - W! Hey, if Hak "took over" the signal, how come he got BLEEPED? Eh frick it.
Capitol Recording Artist MEGADETH perform "Crush 'em"- by my estimation, about 25% of them have no working electrics (mic OR instrument). Didn't Megadeth used to be all badass and stuff? Isn't it sad that people like, say, Stabbing Westward have passed these guys by? Every time that one guy shouts out "CRUSH!" I keep waiting for Brian Adams to walk by. I was also hoping their bodyguard would deal with a fan, then later ask out the daughter of the promoter, but alas, you can only go so far with the flattering imitations of successful companies.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH - BIG POOCHIE (with what appears to be a book of some sort) v. SID VISCOUS (with the belt & no music & Randy Savage & Madusa & Miss Madness '99)... Staredown - lockup - to the corner - unclean break but Nash ducks the punch and lays into Sid with exciting knees, dazzling elbows, and a crisp framed elbow. Flawless Irish whip into the opposite corner, follow lariat, repeat - with authority! Against the ropes, Nash lets loose with a mighty clothesline that takes the big man outside the ring. While Sid catches his wind on the outside, Savage has returned to Pearl Harbor Nash - but Big Sexy can not - WILL not - be denied. A towering right hand takes down Savage. A right hand and a sidewalk slam bests Sid. Savage in the corner - a powerful knee to the gut - now taking the Macho Man into the opposite corner with a thunderous Irish whip and a chilling clothesline that collapses Savage. Again another devastating Irish whip into the opposite corner, but this time Savage, ever the crafty veteran, grabs a hold of referee "Blind" Johnny Boone, placing him in the path of the oncoming freight train. Boone falls like a tree in the woods - making quite a sound. Nash takes Savage down with another sidewalk slam but Vicious has recovered - the big boot finds the mark. A mighty roar rises up from the crowd - it's (THIS IS) STING - or is it? Stomping away on Nash. Tony: "It certainly looks like Sting!" Bobby: "Boy, I can't tell any more!" Vicious tears into Nash with a relentless verbal barrage, while Savage prefers the title belt as a weapon of choice. Now ANOTHER (THIS IS) STING - the REAL Sting, we have decided - is in, and cleaning house. Out goes Vicious, out goes Savage, out goes the bogus Sting. A closeup reveals that this IS Sting. He lifts Nash - oh, but Nash doesn't KNOW! Knee into the gut - JACKKNIFE POWERBOMB! Sting (the REAL Sting) is left laying in the centre of the ring. Nash walks away unaware of his mistake. He has the mic. "Hey Macho, you want your old lady? She's in my dressing room - what's LEFT of her!" Savage and Vicious, with a renewed sense of purpose, walk offstage.
That was fun. Maybe you CAN make chicken salad out of chicken shit...speaking of course about my commentary and not this match, which blew.
Backstage, Savage runs, runs, runs to the dressing room. He finds George
and Torrie (Torrie can't stop laughing for some reason) - George *swears*
Nash didn't touch her, Torrie gets a slap, George gets a shove - oh boy,
Savage is beating women. Savage rips the Nash shirt off George - or tries
to - there's a kick in her general direction, lots of screaming.
Stick around - Bob Ryder will soon be hailing all this excitement as
'another milestone on the great comeback trail for WCW! Much as they once
dominated their competition for 88 weeks in a row, the old magic is BACK
and ON TNT MONDAY NIGHTS! ONLY ..... ON NITRO!'
In case you haven't figured it out yet, dear readers, I AM BIASED.
Against WCW? No, against STUPIDITY. Admittedly, one can find a lot of
synergy between the two at the moment....but I digress.
How much does Vince McMahon pay strategically placed moles in WCW to run this promotion into the ground? Seriously. They can't ACCIDENTALLY be doing this stuff anymore. It's THAT bad.
As if I didn't have enough reasons to quit...
Hey Bret, stay retired.
Who else thinks WrestleLine took away the Monday mailbag because all they get in email are complaints?
[Savage:] "I challenge ANYBODY - BUT - Kevin Nash Big Sexy, because he does not deserve a chance at the title because he is a zero in life, and I got his number, and his number is zero...." You can't BUY material like that, ladies and gentlemen.
Signs in crowd: "I DROVE THE HUMMER" "NO, I DROVE THE HUMMER" - it may be
an ominous sign that, just like seemingly every other time Savage wins the
belt, they have failed to put Savage's name on the belt. The LAST time he
won it, they took the nameplate off - Savage defended the title that night
- and lost to Hogan in about 16 minutes thanks to Bret Hart. THIS time they
just leave the "Kevin Nash" nameplate on. Humm.
If you want ME to like you, all you have to do is face Konnan and you
instantly become MY FAVOURITE WRESTLER EVER.
"Where my dogs at?" "BOOOO!" "Orale!" "You suck!" "Arriba laRaza!" "Get
the hell out of the ring!" (I believe I may be colouring myinterpretation
of the crowd with my personal dislike of the K-Dogg)."Jacksonville is
bowdy-bout it, and rowdy--" and Vampiro CLOCKS him frombehind to
immediately make him MY FAVOURITE WRESTLER EVER."
Hogan says he and all the Wolfpac NWO-ites are gonna run wild, and it's 4 life brotha, and Gene proclaims it "etched in stone," a phrase which got me in trouble with my Senior Class AP English teacher who insisted that one can't etch stone.
Closed captioning where available is sponsored by Armor All - because even
if you can't hear, you can appreciate a REALLY SHINY CAR.
Tony feels some electricity in the arena - maybe somebody stuck a live
wire up his ass, I don't know.
Okay, I MIGHT go to the Cow Palace. Maybe. Hey, maybe WrestleLine can use their vast inside connections and get me a pass! Oh, wait, that would be ME confusing THEM with a MAJOR MEDIA OUTLET. It's passed now.
Hey, look, it's the NITRO GIRLS! And they're wearing FETISH GEAR!
Buff's wearing another shirt that DARES you to tell your girlfriend that not only is Buff straight, but YOU are, too. And then not be hurt when she laughs at you.
Notice as Flair makes his entrance that Schiavone and Bischoff are verbally stroking off Hogan and completely ignoring Flair. Sigh. NOW they're talking about Flair - Bischoff trying to blame him for the direction he's taking the company. Jumpin' Jim Brunzell on a popsicle stick, are they going to somehow try to blame FLAIR for the tremendous toilet splash they've been making for the past nine months?
COMING UP: Savage vs. Hogan - time for a glass of arsenic
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Tony Schiavone: "Four words - I want a
Eric leaks a rumour that Insane Clown Posse and Dennis Rodman will appear next week on Nitro. And KISS may perform at the Vegas Nitro in August. AND, some time in September, there may actually be appearances on Nitro by WRESTLERS!
Sid pulls out his Million Dollar Dream, which floors me. This man is PSYCHOTIC! From the cobra clutch to the camel clutch, Sid is the very picture of technical excellence. I bet he had a bet with somebody in the back - "Hey, I bet I can do five moves in this match!" "No way - I got twenty that says you can't." Hey, better pay the Psycho.
Gene O. stands in the ring with a table displaying the Hardcore Champion Trophy from the Junkyard Invitational - a trophy that looks like it's made from about $5.99 invested at the local ACE Hardware.
Hey, is Hogan still running for president? I forget.
Now as much as I love to stir the pot, I have to tell you I really do have a lot of non-wrestling stuff that takes up a lot more of my time than it seems some of these other folk have. Umm...what's my point? Well, it's like the old quote goes: "Believe none of what you hear and half of what you read." Or something like that. And if none of the above makes any sense to you, don't worry: it means you have a life and probably have better things to do once you've finished surfing WrestleLine for the day.
Hey look, it's the return Norman Smiley! I can't tell you how much
withdrawl I've gone through not being able to type "the 'Doing it in da
butt and smackin' my bitch up' dance!"
Smiley pulls out his dance one more time - and now Lenny's doing it - and now LODI is doing it, and Smiley walks out, leaving the two brothers to do it in da butt and smack their bitches up. I'm really confused.
Bischoff is a two-faced lying idiot and I'm not going to bother with
ANYTHING he's saying.
PSICOSIS c. EDDY GUERRERO - Psychosis motions to the camera that we
might as well click our remotes right now - nothing happening here! Or
maybe that thumb twitch means something if you're Raza and I don't get it
'cause I'm a big dumb white guy. Speaking of big dumb white guys, wow, look
at that one guy in the crowd with the suspenders and no shirt. Yikes.
Sting comes after him and Flair's trick knee acts up. Hudson dares to mention the 1987 time limit draw at Clash I. That long memory for history gets you NOWHERE, Hudson!
DA TRIAD come out to make noise and play the dozens. I don't know WHO thought giving these guys mic time was a good idea but I'd like to meet them. With an open-handed slap.
Arli$$ thinks that Savage and Rodman would be a great match for Pay-per-view. I say Arli$$ is a fictional character and should be treated accordingly, that is to say, ignored.
YOU KNOW WHO v. SID VISCOUS for the World Heavyweight Championship... Hey, maybe this'll be like WM8 and Papa Shango will cause the DQ, but the Ultimate Warrior will make his triumphant return!!
The WCW logo makes me crave a nice corned beef sandwich
(Almost 17 minutes after) Opening Credits - that logo can take your eye out
Diamond Dallas Page will chat with YOU 4pm 4 August on TBSSuperStation.com! Ask him about his big (bit part) movie debut! Ask him how me blackmailed Kim into marriage! Ask him who his mysterious benefactor is! ASK HIM IT ALL!
Rey fakes the funk while Violent J and Bald 2 Dope discuss the bulk
price of Faygo cola with Vampiro.
"Should I - or shouldn't I be Hulk Hogan's tag team partner tonight?" Crowd
boos. Yeah! "One last time Memphis - is it, or is it not Showtime?" Crowd
says "Yeah, I'm cool with Showtime, but Arli$$ is on HBO; besides, does it
HAVE to be Showtime with HOGAN?" Well, okay, they don't actually say that -
I'm drifting off a lot this week.
Did Medusa pick up a mental affliction or something? Maybe that dye she's using on her hair is toxic and not meant for use on humans?
JASON HERVEY has joined the commentary team - surely a sign of the impending apocalypse. Hervey lacks the subtlety that made Brandon Baxter so watchable. Also, his voice STILL hasn't changed.
Regal drapes the Union Jack over Whipwreck's lifeless form and then
strikes the pose. Regal's the MAN.
Madusa and Mona get off the apron (and after George?) as we look back down the aisle - where DENNIS RODMAN has appeared. George backs into Rodman - who takes her hand...and walks off with her. OH JOY!
PATTY STONE GRINDER v. MADUSA - Mommy? (German suplex -> bridge -> pin 3:23)
You know, Page DID have quite the career BEFORE 1996...anyway, the man is downright scary in his in-depth interviews. I especially like it when he just looks at the camera and says "Whatever."
Guess what? Last week's good show was a fluke.
DA TRIAD comes out to make noise. I'd tell you what I hate about this
shtick, but if I do, they'll just do it again next week.
Ray forgets that he hates Chris Benoit since he DID give some quizzical
looks but shrugged it off - now, if there had been a HANDSHAKE or
something....but I guess Benoit is too busy being intense.
CHAD BROCK performs LIVE on NITRO next WEEK! Mow the grass! Fix the leaves! Eat a steak! Kick some shit!
(THIS IS) STING is out to ... talk? Not only is he back, but he's back in black. I have heard that he's President of this company, but ... "Back in black in the hoooooooouse..." Oh no, he's caught the "in the house" disease.
"I'll be back at the top of the hour at nine-o'clock to get your answer. We will find out whether or not it's SHOWTIME, folks!" Sting, you're a whore.
Subscribe to the WCW Magazine - if you're a SUCKER!
Hudson COMMANDS me to destroy my remote! So mote it be! The Dynamic Duo
chat it up because we're not quite close enough to...oh wait.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago in case you just missed it, 'cause
you were checking to see if RAW started or something. And here's another
replay. DON'T check on RAW! DON'T do it!
Hey look! Hardcore Holly's gonna have fun with the Acolytes! Oh, wait,
that's the OTHER show.
WEB CHAT! Diamond Dallas Page! Wednesday! Ask him what he thought about Kimberly running around behind his back with Johnny B. Badd and the Booty Man! Ask him whatever happened to his Battlebowl ring! Ask him if he's gonna put on that Wolfpac T-shirt! ASK HIM EVERYTHING! www.tbssuperstation.com! Hey, you REALLY wanna have fun? Save some of these questions for Meltzer on Thursday. He LIVES for questions like this. I SWEAR.
Disco holds the ropes and Karagias misses a dropkick. LAST DANCE! 1, 2, 3. (4:20 - either light up or leave me alone)
Saturn T-shirt ad is probably meant to be pitied, not laughed at.
By the way, "ER" is NOT "the best show ever." That distinction CLEARLY goes to ":20 Minute Workout." Anybody got any episodes on tape for me? C'mon, I'D share with YOU.
"Warner Brothers Records" is mentioned - cheque's in the mail. Hennig makes everything right by calling Saturn "Your anus."
Torrie and David have a chat - I'm AMAZED that David can just SIT there
with Torrie's hand on his thigh and not sport major wood. Not that I'm
checking.
I perk up when I fantasize I heard Hudson actually use the words "Blind
Mickey J." in that same order.
Hudson, ever the champ, sells is like he was killed dead but good.
Oh boy! Bischoff and Hogan doing commentary! I can turn the volume to
zero and RIP OUT THE KNOB! Appears that Mr. Vicious has some theme
music...
Savage is wearing a "VOTE MACHO" getup, continuing to be the only person on Earth to act as if he's running for president (and ALMOST the only person on Earth to act as if HOGAN'S running for president).
Achtung achtung! Hier ist meine vignette!
You know what the deal is with "Crush 'em?" Fans can't start a "Goldberg" chant to it. AND APPARENTLY *NOBODY* CAN FIGURE THIS OUT. I'll give it to you for free, Turner idiots!
The WCW logo can read your mind!
Smiley is back...he's back and black. Smiley has forsaken his "Magic" trunks in favour of some "Smiley" trunks. So he's not Violent J anymore, he's Jack Jeckel? Or are people just reading the back of his jersey? 'cause Shaggy 2 Dope's got the same jersey on. Yep. What's a juggulo anyway? What do you MEAN I spelled it wrong? What do you MEAN you wanted play-by-play of Prince Iaukea's exhilarating offense?
The Rednecks come out to a new theme song which has the thumbprint of Jimmy Hart all over it, and involves the words "Good Ol' Boys" repeated about a hundred times - the sort of thing you'd expect in the WWF in the 80's. In other words, perfect for the WCW of the 90's.
Let Us Take You Back To Moments Ago - Or As I Like To Refer To It, Two Paragraphs Ago...
GENTLEMAN CHRIS ADAMS & DAVE TAYLOR v. REY REY & EDDIE GUERRERO... Crowd chants "USA" to show support for the Mexicans.
Sting - Sid Vicious - A MONUMENTAL COLLISION - and when you think monumental collisions, think American Ironhorse motorcycles!
Hey, look! Three of the Nitro Girls! There's Spice! And there's ...
ummm.... well, I forgot to look at the other two. Sorry.
I *really* want some drunk bikers to throw some really heavy shit at
Rodman.
It is officially "shank of the evening" time as Gene O. brings out DENNIS RODWORM.... I believe he's wearing his "Huggy Bear" ensemble. Dennis says he loves Ida-HO, and Gorgeous George is actually after HIM. I *really* want some drunk bikers to throw some really heavy shit at Rodman.
Hogan comes out to "American Made." He's not wearing red and yellow, too, is he? Yep. Tony has an orgasm. "It's HULK again!" I *believe* the fans were slightly louder for Norman Smiley's Big Wiggle, by way of pop comparison. Meanwhile, Rick Scaia is one drink away from REALLY seriously marking out and writing it down for you to laugh at.
WCW logo - now in "Everything" flavour
Regal's a heel. Riggs is a heel. Can you tell they just stuck these two guys together with absolutely no thought because they just needed two bodies out there so SID VISCOUS can come out with a fluid chokeslam for Regal (DQ 1:29) and powerbomb for Riggs? God damn WCW. If we're REALLY lucky, Sid will speak! "If you can hear me Hogan..."
"Retro Lodi outfits 4 ratings" - "Must see Lodi + Lenny TV" - "We dive with Greg Louganis" - good God, they just sneak it in, don't they?
Tony proclaims that "later tonight, Hulkamania lives!" I long for death's sweet embrace.
Let's go to the still frames from Saturday's Road Wild pay-per-view. "This
was a classic big man, strongman wrestling match." Actually, this was late
eighties all over again and it left me with a bad feeling - as in "I've got
a bad feeling about this" bad feeling. And you know it.
Sid's beating up SILVER KING and LA PARKA when we come back. There are two
people out of these three I'd really like to see on Nitro, WRESTLING. Of
course, they're busy having kegs thrown at them and being powerbombed into
plastic bags filled with popcorn.
Hogan tries on his "train, say your prayers, and kick your ass" line one
more time, and I'm still waiting for Rick to publicly proclaim how wrong he
was to want so badly for one more run in the red and yellow for Hogan.
Camera focuses on a giant "HULKAMANIA DIES" banner as Tony proclaims that
"later tonight, Hulkamania lives!" I long for death's sweet embrace.
BERLYN promo #2 - in case you missed it during the hour that people
actually WATCH Tony: "Brand new athlete from German - Berlyn will be coming
to WCW, making his debut right here in a mere two weeks!" Well, let's see,
it's GermanY (note missing last letter), he ISN'T brand new, in fact it was
TONY that noticed Alex Wright in the full garb in the front row of Nitro
back on 19 April - ohh, wait, that was more than three months ago. Tony
probably just forgot. Anyway...
"That's not a double IV Horsemen symbol, that's eight time champions!" Oooh, TONY feeling feisty by slipping in the Horsemen reference! He and Lodi must be racing to see who can get fired first....GO TONY GO!
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. KIDMAN - Tony calls this an impromptu match, which
is fine and all, but was I just DREAMING when they actually mentioned this
match at the top of the program?"
PAGE POWERBOMBS KIDMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Write this date down!
Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, double Okie blow. No WONDER everybody loves this guy.
Shit, should we even bother with this report? "Here's SID VISCOUS come
out to powerbomb both guys. DQ." Repeat ten times. "But Hogan has the
support of the fans - Hulkamania can not be denied! SMELL THE RATINGS!
HOGAN WINS! HOGAN WINS! HOGAN WINS! THE STREAK IS OVER!" There you go.
GOOD NIGHT!
I asked them who they'd come to see. "Saturn, Benoit, maybe Vampiro."
Hey, guess who WASN'T on the card tonight. Such is the life of a WCW Live
Event attendee.
Let's run down the card as advertised. Keep in mind this West Coast swing
was called the "Card Subject to Change '99 Tour:"
Let's bring out the NITRO GRRLS! Well, four of them. The best four,
though - SPICE, JAZZ, CHAE and STORM. I was going to shout out my undying
affection to Spice but I promised MiCasa I'd avoid representing CBS
Sportsline in anything other than a bland light, so I politely nodded my
head instead. Uh huh.
SID VICIOUS is unusually silent during his matchup with (THIS IS) STING.
Penzer relays a message from Sid. "...would like me to let all of you
know that you are not worthy to hear him speak. Nonetheless, he demands
ABSOLUTE SILENCE and most definitely DOES NOT want to hear the name
'Sting!'" Naturally, the crowd chants Sting's name like rabid dogs. Sid
threatens to leave and is halfway back up the aisle when Sting takes the
mic. "Stizzing in the hizzouse!" Then, in his best "TV announcer" voice:
"Maybe it'd be better for Sid to leave - because we're all allergic to
JACKASSES!" The Born Again Sting, ladies and gentlemen!
Hogan CAN break the four star barrier, but only Bret Hart can beat it out
of him.
I'm thinking of starting up a new site - calling it [sl*sh] wr*stl*ng.
What do you think?
*n f*ct, p*rh*ps *t'd b* b*tt*r t* s*v* y**r *y*s fr*m b*rn*ng **t *f *
j*st w*nt *h**d *nd f*x*d *ll th* *v*l v*w*ls f*r y**.
You laugh now, but in a YEAR it'll be JUST like that. Sooooo gradual you
won't EVEN notice it...
Hey, look, it's never too early for the NYTRO GYRLS! Fyre hys ryylly byg
bryysts.
Bigelow has an Italian accent just to test the limits of my skull's
ability to handle pressure.
"You're getting the rumours off the Internet, and they're saying that I'M gonna be President of WCW again? That's the Internet for you..." Oh boy, mentioning the Internet gets me MOIST!
If you'd like a copy of the WCW Catalog for $2, you're lame
BYRLYN vignette - Take My Breath Away!
COMING UP: More wrestling action with KISS! (Note subtle irony)
CURT HENNIG & THE WEST TEJAS REDNECKS perform "Good Ol' Boys." Next week,
Nikolai Volkoff will be back to perform "Cara Mia."
Here's one for Lodi. Here's one for Lenny. Cover. 1, 2, 3. Sheeeeeeeeeasteriskt. (8:20) CHARLES ROBINSON displays a "69-0" sign as the lights go out.
You know what, I'm gonna fast forward to the end and if Sid runs in, I'm
not gonna bother. Awww shit. You know, why should ANY viewer bother to
invest ANY time in watching ANY match on this fucking program? It's a
Goddam joke. This can be the greatest five minutes in wrestling history
but you tack such a bad taste in your mouth at the end and there's
just...NO FREAKING POINT. And you know, you can write me and bitch and
complain all you want but I'm getting REAL tired of putting up with crap
like this JUST because it's "pro wrestling."
The Dynamic Duo can't wait for the debut of a brand new wrestler from
KISS - boy, will THEY be disappointed when it turns out to just be Brian
Adams again.
Brian Adams says "Shakka brah!" Well, not really.
I was trying to eat, right? And I'd made a nice grilled cheese sandwich,
right? And I actually ended up dumping some melted cheese on myself,
burning my NAVEL in a move I didn't think was humanly possible - anyway,
my POINT is that *that*- that searing pain as my tender bellybuttonular
area *burned* - THAT wasn't as bad as enduring Sid's interview.
The WCW logo is hungry - FOR YOUR SOUL
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week as KISS stunk up the joint. Say it with
me. TWO POINT THREE! TWO POINT THREE! Is it TRUE that the song they
performed is available on the "Stone Cold Metal" CD? That's hilarious. Hey,
there's the Demon breaking out of that giant egg!
Vampiro tries to put his arm around Riggs, but Riggs shrugs him off.
"You owe me." "I don't owe you nothin'!" I guess Vampiro bought him that
mirror or something.
Crowd actually chants "We want Sid" - congratulations, WCW - THIS is what you've conditioned ALL OF US to expect. Fuck wrestling!
PLAY US SOME BARRY MANILOW - LODI LIKES THE TOP, LENNY LIKES THE BOTTOM - BUNK! - PLEASE SEND MORE BLOWPOPS! - THE NY YANKEES STINK! - Lenny's put some tassles and bows on the Cruiserweight title. I'd like to hear Colourbox do Lodi's theme.
And now I'll note signs in the crowd. We have "Rey Rey is Gay Gay," always a welcome observation. "I miss Ralphus" lends a wistful note of nostalgia to the proceedings.
To get a WCW Catalog, repeatedly bash your monitor with your head!
If Konnan is REALLY gone, and we can only pray that he is, wouldn't it be
more appropriate to finally stop playing Konnan's "Psycho" when Mysterio
comes out? Hey, I didn't know La Parka was Italian!! Parka and Rey start.
Parka makes Rey step aside so he can strut. Rey slaps him in return, so
Parka KNOCKS him down. La Parka is Spanish for "The Parka."
And now, here again - a Berlyn vignette. Know Victory! (Jack Victory?)
No defeat! "Verlieren ist nicht aberzecgahoban" or whatever he says.
The Blockbuster is the "Lugz kick of the week." And if you, smartass,
think that a blockbuster isn't a kick, well, you haven't been
complaining loudly enough about those Coast Guard Rescues of the Week
neither.
DA TRIAD v. COLD BEER & YOU KNOW WHO - Who LETS Page say the SAME
FUCKING THING EVERY FUCKING WEEK? Who LETS him do that? Just tell me
that. Of COURSE Goldberg and Hogan get separate entrances - we've got
twelve minutes to kill here! You know what would REALLY make this match
for me? That's right. The Demon.
"After a respectful amount of black screen
Berlyn vignette - why? We've already seen him--
Whoops, cut off for an ad instead
The production crew is really on the ball tonight, yeah buddy"
But first, another Monster Truck Madness ad - honk if you're tired of
seeing Kevin Nash act "cool"
Hogan asks Sting to look in his eyes - he wouldn't stab him in the back.
For no apparent reason, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE gets in the ring, gets a shot
in on Hogan, and gets out to rejoin his mates in the TRIAD outside the
ring. Huh? Then Sting suddenly decides to get angry and shout a lot. The
SECURITY DETAIL quickly fills the ring to separate Sting and Hogan. Umm...
Now I should probably be trying to make this clusterfuck sound LESS
confusing. I guess I'll say "at least Sid wasn't involved" but if you're
like me, you're wondering if all that business with Savage, Mona and Madusa
AND the Hummer driver (the fake Sting) was all a dream. Then you're
wondering why you haven't just popped over to 7-Eleven, 'cause obviously
you're not MISSING anything by getting a cold, frosty Slurpee and possibly
a bag of chips.
A white hummer repeatedly rams a limousine at great expense - money that
could probably have been better used to hire Morris Day & the Time to blow
the roof off the joint - Jungle Luuuuv / O E O E O / Girl I wanna Know Ya
(Know Ya) / Heeey Jungle Luuuuuuv.
Hmmm....so this IS the third hour. And I have Enos and Karagias opening up
this here third hour. Okay, just checking. Enos has a license plate on his
ass that says "Enos." No, REALLY. Let's split screen to that "Countdown to
WCW Mayhem" clock. 26:01:57:40 - the BEST thing about this clock is is
takes up MORE of the screen than this match! Crowd chants "We want Sid" and
I am very very sad. Enos actually talks to the crowd. "What do you want?"
"Sid!" "Sid's NOTHING!" Enos is really winning me over here. Now the crowd
(and Enos) are distracted by something over to the left there. Over on the
other channel, Mankind is not wrestling."
And why bother checking out a chick in a cute outfit when we got YOU KNOW
WHO one more time. He's American made. Hogan thanks the fans for sticking
with him, and they boo.
Now Morrus is outside
and Douglas is scaling the ropes - wow! REALLY SHITTY PLANCHA from Douglas
on the First Family! Looks like a double countout coming up...yeppers.
(DCOR 3:56) And you know why? Because, friends, it's the First Family and
the Revolution - AND NEITHER TEAM CAN AFFORD TO DO THE JOB!!!!! Just for
fun, the brawl continues up the ramp. Then, they all WALK AWAY thinking
we've gone to ad break. THEN we go to ad break. THIS IS WCW!
Rachtman is your NEW WCW pimp, bringing out the NITRO GRRLS. Kimberly sucks up to the Miami crowd. Here's a video from ZULI MERTZ, doin' one o' them hoochie mama dances and talking about the fact that she knows sign language. Obviously, she HAS to win.
"Wed Sept. 8th - Lodi's B'day" - hey, Lodi and my dad have the same
birthday! Isn't that weird? Mick Foley and I have the same birthday, and
Lodi and my dad have the same birthday. Very very yeah. Happy birthday,
Lodi!
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT - call somebody who cares!
Horowitz can still go, after all this time. And what a company man - to have the WCW logo on the front of his tights! Horowitz also does about 15 more wrestling moves than anybody at the top of the card in his match. Inexplicably, some piano music fires up and a piano drops from the ceiling. But forget that, here's SID VISCOUS powerbombing Green. Horowitz offers his hand - Sid shakes it - then powerbombs Horowitz. We get a shot of a PIANIST during this - hmmmm. My head just exploded.
JUVENTUD GUERRERA & BLITZKRIEG & PSYCHOSIS v. (billy) KIDMAN & CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. & EDDIE GUERRERO, JR. - well, that's what the chyron says. I have NO IDEA who Eddie Guerrero, Jr. is supposed to be.
Booker T. actually raises the roof with such authority that Okerlund drops his mic in the process. "Can U Dig It" count is at 2, and the "if you understand what I'm saying" count hits 3. "Nine time" hits 7. T. compares Harlem Heat to Nitrous Oxide. I sure could go for a little bit of THAT. Stevie Ray almost busts out laughing while doing one of his stares.
Heenan asks why we'd turn the dial - ummm, 'cause RAW's on? Naaah.
Cat-bo ad. Now THAT'S putting the "entertainment" back in "sports entertainment!" Call 1-800-443-7174 NOW!! I called but it was busy.
JOHNNY SWINGER v. PRINCE IAUKEA... And now, children, gather round as I share with you the tale of my great love for Cheez-It Party Mix.
A big match at Fall Brawl - Guerrero, Kidman and Mysterio against the Insane Clown Posse and Vampiro! Winners get their release!
KENDALL WINDHAM (not with Curt Hennig, no matter what the chyron says) v. SHANE DOUGLAS (with a mic) - I'll bet when Shane left ECW to take this deal, he had DREAMS of second hour-closing matches with champions like Kendall Windham.
And now, children, gather round as I share with you the tale of my
great love for Cheez-It Party Mix. I love Cheez-It Party Mix. I love the
Cheez-Its. I love the Shuffles - the cheesy crackers in the shape of
playing card suits. I love the indigestable Sesame logs. I love the
Sourdough bits. And I love the rice puffs. But the problem is about half
of the box of Cheez-It Party Mix is pretzels - butter sticks and regular
twists. The pretzels are the bits you put up with and pay for to get to
the good stuff. THIS MATCH IS THE PRETZELS! This CRZ flashback is
brought to you by Rick Scaia.
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN. Who can you trust? Well, you CAN'T trust Sting. They're really going to turn Sting heel. Don't THAT beat all shit to hell? Also, Sid Vicious is the US Champion, Harlem Heat wins the tag team titles again, and Fall Brawl generally sucked. Well, they didn't say that last part, but it was kinda implied.
KIDMAN, KONNAN and a guy who, thanks to a funny story related to me in an email from TJ, I will forever refer to as RAYMOND STEREO walk out...
Great match - quick, turn the TV off before they kill off any good feelings by putting on some crap! All four Revolution members celebrate a match well ... matched.
Rachtman throws it back to Tony, who "did it for the nookie." Somehow, I doubt that.
SILVER KING v. THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC, NORMAN SMILEY - Silver King busts out
some English! He IS number one! THIS is a dream match, my friends.
Hope Sid doesn't ruin it. Lockup, to the corner, Smiley ducks a clubbin'
blow, but King kicks the back of the leg. Slap - off the ropes,
shoulderblock. Over, under, catches the leg, enziguiri by King.
Somersault senton! Knife-edge chop. King does his Rey impersonation off a
whip as we check the Mayhem countdown. Smiley catches him in a
wheelbarrow race position, smacks him up like he's his bitch and the crowd
comes alive. King to the ropes to break it. Smiley pulls him out and
drops him on his back. Into the corner - whip into the other corner -
swoop slam! Setting up for the "doin' it in da butt and smackin' my bitch
up" dance but King kicks him in the head from behind. Whip is reversed,
King climbs the ladder to the top, moonsault misses but he lands on his
feet - SPRINGBOARD TOP ROPE MOONSAULT!!! Aw, GOD FUCKING DAMMIT TO HELL
SHIT FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK. SID VISCOUS is out - power bomb for
each man. Double pin for Mother FUCKING Sid. (2:21) FUCK YOU, WCW.
Only took you an hour to make up for that awesome Benoit/Malenko match.
Piece of shit. AND THERE'S TWO FUCKING "N's" IN "MILLENNIUM, YOU
COCKSUCKING SONS OF BITCHES. Sid berates the commentators and who gives a
flying fuck.
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Nestle's Butterfinger - I
DARE you to Bite Tony's Butterfinger!
Berlyn with a big ol' kyck, hammering hym, off the ropes with a dropkyck. Whyp is reversed into a powerslam. Clotheslyne...
STEVE REGAL & DAVE TAYLOR (with Union Jack) v. BARRY & KENDALL WINDHAM
(with Curt Hennig & Vincenzo & cowbell) - Barry pins Regal following a
cowbell shot behind the back of Mickey J. Replays sponsored by Lugz.
That's all WCW gets from me. Fuck 'em. (4:14)
Tag to Hart. Right, right, right, right, right, Bret is a technical
MONSTER.
Fortunately for me, I stopped caring.
WE ARE LIVE from the First Star Center (the "first star" being, of
course, the almighty WCW logo - how was YOUR Yom Kippur?)
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN, who prove that white is
NOT a "slimming" colour.
Revolution - Revolution - Let's Take a Special Video Look at the Revolution - Revolution - take a drink if you hear the word "Revolution" - Out with Prostitution, In with Revolution!
Tonight, Sting defends against Chris Benoit. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Malenko and Benoit prove that they've mastered their crap - whoops, Heenan said "craft," didn't he.
Stinger splash - MISSES! Lariat from Benoit. Benoit's thumb crosses his throat - swandive headbutt HITS! 1, 2, no! Are you there, God? It's me, CRZ. PLEASE don't have this end in a screwjob after all this time. Thank you, Amen.
BYRLYN vignette - achtung! Mein Kopf ist SPINNEN!
SCOTT ARMSTRONG v. BYRLYN (mit bodyguard) - later on tonight, they may sign
Page vs. Flair - in the meantime, watch this. No, YOU watch this. I'm getting a snack. Who are you talking to? Don't look at me, I'm just sittin' here.
Gene O. interviews DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE. I like pork rinds.
Goldberg wants you to handicap some football games on cnnsi.com! Just don't bet
on cockfighting!
"Watch the Horror Unfold" - that joke is TOO easy - so instead I'll say
that Halloween Havoc is Sunday, 24 October!! Why didn't they have it on
Halloween, you ask? Well, they didn't want you to have to keep getting
up off the couch to throw candy at little kids while you're trying to
watch the PPV.
"ICP wears makeup 'cuz they're ugly" - It's funny because it's true!
See, where I come from, "totally and completely private" would seem to preclude even making reference to EXISTENCE of the exchange. But I've always had a problem with English, I suppose...now, FRENCH I've never had a problem with. Hey, did I just type up a pun? Alert the media!
Last Week: "Goldberg's Challenge..." - "Sid's Conditions" - "Hogan, Hart & Flair Share Common Bond" - I missed the one that said "Benoit Screwed Again," but I guess since they have that EVERY week, there's no need for an actual GRAPHIC stating such...
Heenan displays a picture of Kidman with no hair (which looks like it took about five minutes with Photoshop - which automatically makes it higher quality than you'd find in WOW Magazine...whoops, did I say that or think it?)
And finally, a cruiserweight championship match as Lenny takes on Kidman - but he'll have Lodi in his corner and blow pops will be consumed.
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Talking Nitro Arena, Tootsie Caramel Apple Pops, America (ha!) Online, Motel 6 7/8, and Tootsie Rolls'n'pops. I am OFFENDED that they DARE to suggest you play with the Talking Nitro Arena by hainvg STING LOWERED FROM THE RAFTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(!!!!!!!!!!!)!!!!! What kind of PEOPLE bring up HEINOUS ACTIONS like THAT?!?!? Are they even THINKING? GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY - SWEET MERCIFUL - okay, that was fun. All those people that swore me off after SmackDown! and are reading this now, you get what you deserve for not following through on your promise. By the way, this is a Savage-free Slim Jim spot - make of that what you will
The AWF title is on the line as the Equalizer takes on Shane 54! The first BWP Championship will be decided as Kid Fury takes on Freddie Valentine! DOINK THE CLOWN TAKES ON HONKY TONK MAN in a match so, so worthy of capital letters!
Suddenly, an eerie voice calls Tony's name. "Tony - Tony...Tony wait, WCW - this is the beginning of the darkness that will fall upon you." We see - a window looking out on the clouds - surrounded by darkness. Good God, was that the heady whisper of OLE ANDERSON? (And believe you me, that is JUST the type of rhetorical question that could get Keith a severe case of the shuddering chills...)
This just in: I hate Buff Bagwell.
Coming back live, ominous music plays as the FIGURE IN BLACK unhoods -
well, of COURSE it is LIZ - but she seems... different... somehow.
Older. Suddenly, I'm completely distracted by a dress. Tonight, we are told that we no longer use the name "Lex Luger" - we may only refer to him as "The Total Package." Except me - I'll always give him first notice as THE NARCISSIST. He's kneeling in the centre of the ring, bathed in spotlights - and working an old WBF pose. Does his left bicep look smaller than his right? That really hurts his symmetry! In fairness, I will note that he has more muscle than I have body weight, so... Well anyway. This is "the rebirth -" which apparently involves an awful lot of posing. Tony: "Wow, what a moment."
Hogan chats with...some guy in a jacket and tie - if he's a trainer, he's dressed pretty nicely. Anyway, before he can "cut my jeans off so I can get ready," Sting appears *again* and whacks him one more time. Sting's pretty fuckin' cool right about now. I guess all the security is guarding Goldberg or something?
Damn that's fast. Does it matter who did what? You stopped reading ten
moves ago.
I think the best part of all this was that Rey DIDN'T LOSE HIS GUM!
DAVID PENZER: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have a message from Berlyn - he
demands TOTAL SILENCE here tonight during his match." Now MY question
is, if the lad doesn't speak English, how'd he ...holy crap, Tony just
said the EXACT same thing! Cue Twilight Zone theme.
Saturn looking around as if to say "Man, I HATE that I'm gonna lose here
- while I'm standing around, all the people in the front row are making
the DVD sign but I have to play dumb."
Whoops, Sid is out. "Oh my (mute!) What happened to my car?! Goldberg!
Where are you?! Goldberg! Goldberg! Goldberg!" Yes, friends, Goldberg
told the tow trucks driver to take the car...and...CRUSH (Crush!) CRUSH
'EM (Crush 'em!) - we're out at 2308.
Backstage, we check that the yellow pages are opened to "Towing" - it's Goldberg's turn to play Bob Newhart. "Yeah - yeah - Philips Arena - ASAP - thank you." He hangs up the phone - and smiles...in the third hour, he'll cancel Sid's plane tickets! Rick Rude was RIGHT ALL ALONG!!
The power of the card - the new-look WCW MasterCard - is a power which transforms a hated heel into a competent spokesperson.
RICK WOOF WOOF v. FAR OUT VAN HAMMER - "I am the DFG. I am the nightmare you can't wake up from [you ain't kiddin' boyo] - because I am the man. Now there's a young punk in the back that wants a match with Sid Vicious. Well Vicious has got better things to do, Hammer. But if you want some, come get some. You don't like me? Bite me!" Hammer asked for a US Title shot last week on THUNDER! but I guess this is JUST as good in his mind. Umm, because Rick's belt...Rick...because....hell if *I* know.
Watch the Horror Unfold - the Horror of seeing Nash, Savage, George, and Finaly
in an ad for a show you KNOW you won't see ANY of them on...
Malenko with a single leg takedown into a pretzel hold. People who play
video games can tell me what that hold is - it looks pretty damn cool.
For the life of me, I just CAN'T remember who held the cruiserweight
title before tonight - I bet he was a sissy, though. Once again, WCW
shits on lucha libre tradition by giving the impression that losing a
mask is just the BEST DAMN thing on earth to ever happen to a luchadore.
Let's pick up the action about four minutes in as Kidman offers the Hand
of Friendship - then tries to turn it into a fireman's carry. Guerrera
turns it into a DDT, proving that crime does not pay. Time now for the
Juvi Elbow, which draws rather sizable boos. Did Juvi just tell the
cameraman to shut his mouth and know his role? Let's take an ad break
before my head explodes.
All right, one more possibly offensive statement and then I'll call this
straight - are they doing this for Owen ... or Bret?
That was a GREAT segment. And I better enjoy it while it lasts, 'cause
Russo will be sure to kill them off three weeks from tonight...
Okerlund announces that the tag team titles will be defended at Havoc
against Brian Knobs and Hugh Morrus - boy, THAT'LL be a barn burner,
won't it?
On one hand, Russo will do away with crap like this - on the other,
there's nothing promising he WON'T give me crap JUST AS EQUALLY BAD.
PLUS he don't like them Mexican jumping beans jumpin' around for twelve
minutes at a time, so goodbye Kidman/Guerrera matches. We are cursed to
live in interesting times...
"WCW - this is the Palehorse - the (bringer?) of pain and suffering -
fear me you will - stop me you cannot." Hey, it's YODA! Why's he look
like Dustin Rhodes?
Backstage, Sid Vicious asks Moses where his car is. "Space 22, man" -
"TWENTY TWO? OH MAN! OH MAN!" Cue the mirth and hilarity music!
"Goldberg! Where are you?! WHY ME?! WHY ME?! WHY ME?!" I feel you, yo. I
feel you.
I'll pass up the opportunity for a tasteless comment as Hogan greets a "special" fan.
Torrie says she doesn't have time for him, and maybe he could go talk to his dad or something. David...I think he's trying to smolder here.
Hey, I just noticed this. The guy in the Surge commercial sticks his
thumb in the burrito of the guy who did NOT put all that hot sauce in
his food! The guy who perpetrated the offense gets off SCOT FREE! That's
just WRONG! C'mon, man, piss in his Surge or something! Don't let that
lie!
If I were one of those "cute" recappers, I'd tell you that the best
workrate in this match was displayed by a metal garbage can, but *I*
prefer to diminish the fine work of the participants by saying nothing
instead.
LA PARKA v. BRAD ARMSTRONG - La Parka is wearing a frightening mask and
shoulder pad getup - also he has "SOLO PARA TIMBONAS" on his posterior,
which I *believe* means "Luchadores never beat white guys."
Berlyn has a few words for us as he walks to the ring, I believe it translates to a poem: "I like Kraftwerk / I like Neu! / Rouladen for dinner? / Boy oh boy"
Several cans of Surge explain Flair's animated state.
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim ("What does this remind
you of?" "George's cleavage!" "Well what about this one?" "George's
cleavage!")...
Schiavone openly mocks Hayashi - eh, fuck you, Tony.
Lockup, face rake by Themonstermeng, stomping away, kicking, headbutts,
opening up every orifice in his face, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, did I
mention THE COOL PANTS ARE BACK?
Konnan whips again, it's reversed - Konnan up and over the charge,
trying the body scissors he saw Booker T. do once - Themonstermeng
holding on - now doing the Tongan Death Grip dance - IT'S ON!!! Konnan's
not moving, so Patrick counts down the shoudlers. 1, 2, 3. (4:24) YOU
WILL RESPECT HIM. On his way out, he says to the camera. "Muktabakua!
Offa migamoowa! Boktagomoowa!" Or words to that effect. PLAY HIS MUSIC
ALREADY. GIVE HIM MIC TIME. THREE TITLE SHOTS IN ONE NIGHT!
THEMONSTERMENG!!
La Parka is wearing a frightening mask and shoulder pad getup - also he
has "SOLO PARA TIMBONAS" on his posterior, which I *believe* means
"Luchadores never beat white guys."
I will avoid the Ball like the plague - although interestingly, as of press time I have not been able to discount rumours that our own Mark Madden WILL be there in full fetish regalia - later to strip down to a thong and "get jiggy with it."
Opening Credits - WHOA WHOA HOLD THE PHONE why are the Nitro Girls
dancing around TOPLESS? Must be Russo and Ferrara!
Dig that "SID YOUR NEXT" sign in the crowd - yeah, *I* have a lot of
trouble spelling "you're" as well. My God, EVERYTHING they say about
wrestling fans is true!
IN the ring, Konnan and Rey doubleteam on Stevie Ray - Thesz press from
Mysterio while Konnan has a double leg - let's see, both men on him,
Ray's shoulders not really down - why of COURSE referee "Blind" Nick
Patrick is gonna count 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag
team champions and life can't suck any more. There's no wrestling left
on television. (5:57)
Amazingly, the censor lets "ass" through - must be because he's off
watching RAW right now.
Meanwhile, Goldberg stalks the halls looking for Sid. And in order to do
that, you know, he must first start WALKING!
When you look at Berlyn's haircut from the top, it looks like a...well, I don't know anatomy, but I don't have one.
Torrie's on the apron - there's a lingerie shot.
Sign in crowd says "USE THE FORCE" but Hart chooses to stomp on the
lower abdomen.
Only one more week of the Search for the New Nitro Girl - I think maybe they should have a search for the OLD Nitro Girls - how about a search for
Tayo while we're at it?
HORACE (hogan) v. OO IS YOOR DADDEE GONE GET JIGGY TOO NITE THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC NORMAN SMILEY in a Hardcore match - because when you think Hardcore, you think BLACK MAGIC NORMAN SMILEY.
There's the Greco-Roman drink to the head.
WCW - this isn't your father's fed - well - unless you're David Flair.
If Tony says "What's it all about" one more time I'll break into that Run-D.M.C. song.
Backstage, Hall pours Nash some coffee. Funny, who would have thought
that Hall would be the one getting his partner sober? Nash says the
censors will need to work their fingers to the bone at the top of the
hour...the top of the hour...the top of the hour...
The ring is filled with NITRO GRRLS for the last week of the Search for the New Nitro Grrl. Fyre has an actual DEGREE? Wow, she's not just a pretty rack...er...face.
Bret Hart and the trainer share a moment with Jesus - which gets muted.
You and I might remember these matches as "Tejas Death" matches - or
maybe YOU wouldn't - God, I'd love to be YOUR age again.
I think if Goldberg wouldn't be inhaling all that pyro smoke, he
probably wouldn't make all those weird faces while walking to the ring.
Hall goes to lock up - and the women points her tits at him. Hall pulls up short. No WONDER both these guys got divorces. Lockup, side headlock from Hall - into her cleavage. Hall thinks he liked it. Hall trying to make the tag - but not really. Chick's fondling herself. Now waggling her booty. Bob Ryder approves of this.
Backstage, Hall and Nash discuss strategy. Nash says they won't let him act as his manager tonight, but what about acting as his promoter? Hall gives Nash some eye drops and tells him he's baked. This coming from the guy in the "Booze Tang" T-shirt.
THUNDER! ad fails to feature the Maestro - and also rewrites history as
ANOTHER Sid DQ loss mysteriously turned into a win
Backstage, Tenay's caught up with Hart. The Outsiders and Sid are the lowest scum of the earth! Sid's a big stupid dummy. THEN HART GETS MEAN!
Hey, good thing Benoit didn't call himself Silent But Deadly!
Meanwhile, the Nitro Grrls promise to stick together - of course, Jazz
thinks that Spice is pulling a power play and walks off. Of course, such
a heated dispute can ONLY be settled...AT MY APARTMENT!
Garbage can to the chest - and to the back. Barbarian with a mop to Meng. Trashcans all around. Meng with THEMONSTERMOP!
Don't forget to take your UNICEF box to your Coinstar machine!
The TV-14-DL takes us backstage with the Nitro Grrls - Jazz takes another
swing and Spice retaliates. Strangely enough, RAW is starting pretty soon...
Good God almighty, even *I* can do a better Vince McMahon impersonation.
And what's the point? This impersonation is already dated, isn't it? When
was the last time VINCE did this Vince on a show? So is this hip and fresh
- or old and dated? And poorly executed? And a bad idea? And why'd I
transcribe it for posterity?
So they BOTH suck these days, don't they? I wonder what ECW is doing this
week...
Hey, you know, Norman Smiley is kinda like the Big Shot Hardcore Holly.
When you think about it...
But Vince Russo would NEVER book himself into an on-camera role. No sirree.
Nope.
Meanwhile, Nash and Hall chat. The following speech doesn't work because
the word "screwed" keeps getting muted. "If Sid gets [screwed] tonight, it
won't be because *I* [screwed] Sid, it'll be because Sid screwed Sid - ha
ha ha! - Get It?" Nash has now said "Get It?" more times than Vince has -
think about THAT.
Did he call him "Slap nuts?" I don't even know what that means! Now, "big
wuss" I understand.
Backstage, Sid, Hall and the Promoter have a backstage moment. I can't be
bothered to transcribe. Suffice to say that Sid actually thinks Nash IS
McMahon for a moment there. Mirth and hilarity can't HELP but ensue.
Apparently.
Looks like the Grrls have chosen sides as Fyre and Tygress have joined Jazz
while Chae and Storm are sticking with Spice. Before a catfight can break
out, the Promoter tells them to save it...for Pay-per-view. Get It? Ha ha
ha! By the way, the last time we heard "Get It?" from the WWF
was...February. Not exactly "cutting edge" fresh, you know?
Who laid out Nash? Did they drive the Hummer, or raise the briefcase?
Apparently, Hall said it was Bret Hart, but I didn't hear it - maybe
somebody told Schiavone that Hall said it.
Mike Tenay is with Madusa, who's all dolled up. She says the Powers that
Be seem to be getting their rocks off booking her against men. But
tonight, she's going to take advantage of her opportunity. No doubt it
involves removing her top.
Madusa grabs Evan's ass, takes off her shoes, playfully removes his hat, rubs him down, gives him the come hither motion - then puts him in a side headlock. Evan gets out of it, but turns his counter into a caress. Yes, friends, the final half hour is the "sexual harassment" half hour here on WCW Monday Nitro. Featuring Bob Ryder as "the Righteous Squirrel."
UK readers, be sure to check out Nitro on TNT and Worldwide on Channel 5 for news of appearance by Hall & Nash! Feel free to KEEP them, too!
TV-14-DLS - YES! The S stands for WRESTLING!
Later tonight, a Tejas Tornado ladder match for the US title - Hall, Hart,
Vicious and Goldberg. Special guest referee! Don't you DARE change the
channel! All your favourite wrestlers - twice in one night!
DEAN MALENKO & ASYA come out and take offense. Are her nipples in the wrong place or is that just me? Anyway, Dean challenges Rey & Torrie to a mixed tag.... Rey says that if he wants to unleash the freaky beast, they'll muzzle her and take her to the pound. Now that's just disrespectful to women!
David Flair walks kinda funny...and lovingly looks into the eyes of...his crowbar.
Metallica's "Seek and Destroy" brings (THIS IS) STING to the ring.... "We can do this nice and easy...or we can do this nice and rough." He's Ike Turner! Fonkier than a mosquito's tweeter!
Kimberly, alone, mutters about her missing security. She's wearing her "porno" ensemble.
In "Mr. Russo's" office, Chavo Guerrero says he's here for his opportunity.
The Creative Control brothers snicker in the background. "You did a hell of
a job in that ham and egger battle royal - as a matter of fact, here's your
opportunity." Chavo opens the briefcase and discovers...Amway products.
Then (the unseen) Russo tells him to get the hell out of his office.
Let Us Take You Back One Week and show you how Madusa advanced in the tourney (frenching Karagias) and how Benoit advanced in the tourney (top rope headbutt off a cage - basically the same thing).
Mike Tenay stands with Vampiro and the Misfits. Looks like some of that
leftover makeup from Seven has gone to Vampiro. Vampiro talks about the
lifestyle of a misfit, and warns Buff Bagwell that evil DOES have a
place in WCW. Sure, at the...no, no, never mind...
Here's C.G. Afi, who we learn will go by TONY MARINARA, joining the commentary team to ask Disco for his money. Apparently, he delivered ten papers to Disco's house at twenty cents a pop - and he wants his two dollars! Two dollars!
Two dollars! Two dollars!
GENE O. stands in the ring with the eight finalists in the Nitro Grrl search. This thing sure got dropped like a box of hot rocks, didn't it? Nonetheless, they do a decent enough dance routine - any of them would fit right in, for sure.
"Fear me...you will..." says the voice of Ole Anderson. With a bank of fog,
flames and two wires, DUSTIN RHODES "floats" to the ring
Sharpshooter applied...Saturn taps. (5:01) That match was over five minutes
- somebody needs to get fired!
Meanwhile, Nash plays Carnac for Hall's amusement. "The answer is
3:16...the number of times the Undertaker has worked a pay-per-view main
event with Austin." Hall says something about being drunk for a year - he's
not BRAGGING, is he?
Seeing the twins in dress shirts and ties reminds me of Southern
Justice....yup.
Up - and down with chokeslam - but as he starts his Giant imitation, Hall suddenly remembers the Giant isn't in the fed anymore. Tony says Hall was "climbing the ladder" - ahhhhhtheBULLSHIIIIIT.
At any rate, Hudson
promises more news of the Pages and the Flairs next week on Worldwide. I
ALREADY can't wait! Or...I *could* go read the Nitro report from the next
week....nah
Worldwide 13.11.99
Here's an exclusive preview of Tommy Boy Records' "WCW Mayhem: the Music"
which sounds a lot like a lot of those ads I've been hearing on Nitro.
Would you like the Goldberg cover or the Sting cover? Hey, why not buy
BOTH?
SONNY SIAKI v. ALLAN FUNK - Siaki is kinda like the Rock - except not.
This is his debut. Funk is a veteran of ... several weeks.
ERIK WATTS v. EDDIE GUERRERO - and YOU thought I was wasting my time
watching this show. I miss Eddie's "diggin' the grave" pantomime. I also
wish he wouldn't come out to "Psycho." Zbyzsko encourages all the kids to
not wear their seatbelts so they'll live, just like Eddie did after HIS
accident. Hmmm.
This show is rated TV-14-DLS - thank GOD they took out the VIOLENCE!
Opening credits - ahh, those were happier times. The Nitro Grrls - all they were about was the dance. The dance was them, and they were the dance. Times seemed so much simpler then. Not like now. No. Not like now.
Closed captioning (where available) sponsored by Toy Biz Tuff Talkin Wrestlers. Yeah, that makes sense, 'cause if you can't hear, you want to play with wrestlers that REALLY TALK TO EACH OTHER!
And now the OUTSIDERS are walking to the ring. Man, Nash just gets FUNNIER
and MORE ENTERTAINING EVERY WEEK. I bet the ratings are THROUGH THE ROOF.
Nash has big pit stains - big, but not terribly sexy. Hall's up first. "Hey
yo. The Outsiders got a little message for big Sid Vicious...Sid, you're as
dumb as ya look - and I've got the proof - right here." This'll be a
fuckin' treat, I'm sure. Thing is, *he don't look all that much like Sid.*
"I am the ruler...of the world! And if I could chew gum and walk at the
same time, I'd be the US Champion...right now. So...so what, I'm a little
slow? But I'M THE RULER OF THE WORLD! And I might look like a complete
jackass...and I might have the mind and brain of a mule - BUT I AM - THE
RULER OF THE WORLD! Now you might be able to outsmart me and outthink me,
and yeah, I probably can't get a complete...........make no bones about it
though - I AM! THE RULEROFTHEWORLD! Hehehehehe. Matter of fact, I'm just a
complete - idiot!" You know, a lot of that stuff Nash said could apply
to...oh, never mind. You know (2), the more of these Nash does, the less
cool his Horsemen parody seems - because inevitably, his Arn Anderson voice
tends to creep into every OTHER parody he ever does.
THIS portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Snickers! Waiting for
wrestling? WHY WAIT?
Backstage, Kimberly says that asking her to be a wrestler is [bullshit].
The unseen voice of ... let's call him "Charlie" says that she quit the
Mike Tenay interviews Booker T., who is facing Creative Control in a
handicap match. Get this, they're named "Patrick" and "Gerald." GIVE ME
A FUCKIN' BREAK. What a petty, pathetic, nickel-and-dime....Jesus. Like
they just sit around DREAMING of ways to "get back" at that evil empire
up north.
Oh JESUS CHRIST. Listen to Tony Schiavone: "Fans, we've got some huge news
to pass along to you right now...we need to talk about it before this match
gets underway. You saw Nash meeting with the Powers that Be - the Powers
that Be have now waived Nash's retirement. *That was a really lame angle
anyway.*" TONY FUCKING SCHIAVONE said "That was a really lame angle
anyway." He used the word "angle." Can this company try HARDER to suck? Is
it POSSIBLE?
Madusa joins the commentary team and does a Mae West impersonation - Madusa being about as old as Mae West. The implication is apparently
supposed to be that she and Karagias have been having lots of sex and
she's really, REALLY laid back now. The REAL implication is that when it
comes to commentary, she sucks rocks on a stick - and possibly Karagias'
wang.
"First off, Schiavone said that the retirement angle was bogus and it was no good - as far as I'm concerned, you know, this place sucked. And I decided I was gonna take some time off until it was fun again - Scott came back, it's fun again." Hey dumbass - who was BOOKING back when that place sucked? Does "Big Poochie" ring a bell? Shit, and they say *I* whine.
Backstage, there's Dr. Death Steve Williams...and a Jim Ross
lookalike...AWWW SHIT - they're WALKING - I feel a diatribe coming on...
You can almost hear Booker T: "Damn, GET OVER HERE so we can do this double
whip, double clothesline! He can't act stunned forever!" I guess we know
her name now - it's *gotta* be Midnight. Of course, in the land of Sports
Entertainment, it's probably "Mydnyte" or some other crap like that.
VILLANO V (no entrance) v. EL DANDY (no entrance) v. PSYCHOSIS (no
entrance) v. SILVER KING (no entrance) v. JUVENTUD GUERRERA (no entrance)
in a pinata on a pole match - everybody gets sticks - I shit you not - the
pinata FALLS OFF THE POLE a whopping SIXTEEN SECONDS into the match - not
that anybody (apparently) notices. DR. DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS and NOT JIM
ROSS are on the scene, and - nope, that's it. What a FUCKING POINTLESS
WASTE. So Russo and Ferrara don't like Jim Ross - great, let's PUT IT ON
THE FUCKING NATIONAL STAGE and pretend that it's entertainment. Thinking
that SHIT like THIS is going to bring in the viewers and put WCW back on
top to stay, make everybody money...I mean, they can't actually BELIEVE
this. Hell, at this point I'm ready to believe that they KNOW their asses
are gone in a month so they might as well get in every cheap shot they can
while they have the keys to the kingdom. It's just *mind-boggling*. Fucking
pathetic. Morons. I don't even need to tell you that they just PRETEND the
pinata is actually up on the pole this whole time. Nor do I have to tell
you that Williams gets in, crotches Guerrera on the top rope (bell rings at
4:20 - how apropos), then destroys pretty much everybody, culminating in
stealing the cheque from Silver King and pocketing it. Commentary will go
completely ignored - fuck you, WCW. I'm the first guy to harp about Ross'
sharp decline in quality but that isn't the same as dressing up a guy to
fake Bells Palsy symptoms - that's GOT to be over Bob Ryder's "line," if he
EVEN had a spine anymore - Jesus. I swear to God I could quit watching this
show right now and not feel like I'm missing a Goddam thing - I have NEVER
been so annoyed by this show. Piss on the lucha libre that just MIGHT get
the crowd interesting in, you know, WRESTLING, because this is a, you know,
WRESTLING company - does NOBODY remember this? If you're unhappy that
there's too much wrestling, well, shit, Sherlock, DON'T JOIN A WRESTLING
COMPANY. Fucking morons.
Okay, I've taken a break and now I'm back. I'm not sure I'll devote ANY
amount of energy to the rest of this show, though.
Mike Tenay interviews Kevin Nash - the makeup and wig are gone. "First off,
Schiavone said that the retirement angle was bogus and it was no good - as
far as I'm concerned, you know, this place sucked. And I decided I was
gonna take some time off until it was fun again - Scott came back, it's fun
again." Hey dumbass - who was BOOKING back when that place sucked? Does
"Big Poochie" ring a bell? Shit, and they say *I* whine.
(el) VAMPIRO (canadiense) & THE MISFITS v. BYRLYN & THE WALL - "The Wall"
is the name of his bodyguard. Hooray. The Misfits aren't wrestlers. Crowd
chants "USA" because Vampiro is from Canada and Berlyn is from Germany.
Perfect. Although they dominate the match, for no apparent reason Berlyn
and the Wall start arguing during the last half of the match. Why? Who
knows? Who cares?
Oh great, they're going to fight down here in the bowels of the
building. If we're REALLY lucky there'll be a cheesy "steam pipe" spot.
Schiavone: "This is...kinda like WCW's version of the Fight Club!" GIVE
ME A FUCKING BREAK. How about some more tripe from Tony. "I've said it
before and I'll say it again - it's all about ratings. It's all about
getting fans to watch Monday Nitro. Say what you want to - this has been
quite an entertaining WCW Monday Nitro." Yeah, like the fans are gonna
tune out RAW to see Jerry FUCKING Flynn trade kicks with the FUCKING
BARBARIAN. Flynn apparently wins - he walks away with Barbarian out
cold. I think the finisher was a kick of some sort. This "match" lasted
about two and a half.
YOU tell ME what just happened. I think I can distill it down to "WCW
REALLY SUCKS"
Elsewhere, Goldberg headbutts the Surge machine - HE'S STEALING SODA!
One more spot for "WCW Mayhem: the Music" - it's on sale TUESDAY TUESDAY
TUESDAY!! SLAYER!!
You can tell it's exciting from all the CAPITAL LETTERS!
Tony DARES me to quote him one more time when he tells Shane "Yeah, you're like every other mark on the Internet [that] thinks they can announce this thing." You know, Tony, SINCE you brought it up...you fucking moron - when it comes to announcing, SCOTT HUDSON KICKS YOUR ASS. MIKE TENAY KICKS YOUR ASS. BOB FUCKING CAUDLE IS THIS CLOSE TO KICKING YOUR ASS. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand... given the chance, there are about a half dozen people affiliated with this very site that, in their VERY FIRST night EVER on the job of being the lead announcer on Nitro, with NO experience whatsoever, and having NEVER sat in front of a live mic before, COULD KICK YOUR ASS. Shane Douglas, in ten seconds, validates me by announcing circles around Schiavone.
SID VISCOUS v. KEVIN NASH in an "Anything Goes" Street Fight - they meet in the aisle and it's a ... brawl! Oh boy! A BRAWL! Just what I wanted to see! They're - EXCHANGING PUNCHES! Whoopity-doo! Vicious going OVER THE BARRICADE! Nash STANDING ON HIS THROAT! You can tell it's exciting from all the CAPITAL LETTERS! Back over the barricade - Sid battles back. Let me see if I can keep up with this here. Just for grins. From the time Nash is back over the barricade: rake of the face, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right, right, Golota from Nash. Just GRIPPING action. Vicious rolls in the ring - Nash climbs over the top rope to get in the ring. Nash with a right. Knee in the gut, again - I wonder if he'll frame an elbow for the people. There's an elbow. OH BOY! HE'S FRAMING IT! I *LOVE* THAT!!! AND A CROTCH CHOP TOO!!!!!!!... Right cross from Sid. Stomp. Stomp. OH YES! REAR CHINLOCK! BIG BUTTDROP!! I'M IN HEAVEN!!
Why can't they get a REAL recapper over here? What's Galatea been doing lately (besides ol' what's-his-name - OUCH! Chris, you so CRAZY)?
Here's the secret, come close and I'll whyspyr it to you: "If the wrestling
were to ever get over, the scriptwriters would find themselves in a company
that doesn't need scriptwriters."
Jeff Jarrett is WALKING! And talking to.....the TV-14-DLS ratings box!
"It's my time - I'M the chosen one! It's time to take matters into my own
hands..." Wait, did he say "my time?" MAH TAHM!!! MAH TAHM!!! MAH
TAHHHHHHHHHHM!
We cut to a hallway where Konnan and Kidman are WALKING! Kidman can't
find his camera - Konnan says they can steal another. I should note that
Konnan is enjoying a refreshing CAN OF SURGE! Konnan asks Kidman to
patch up with Eddie 'cause they're dawgs - Kidman says "Whatever." Well,
they're losing tonight.
Steve Williams and Oklahoma are WALKING! Hmm, wonder what else is on.
Hey, Raiders and Broncos are tied at 15! Maybe I should watch THAT until
RAW comes on!
I enjoy wrestling. Screwjobs suck. Please don't read into it or you'll be sending me hatemail.
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET hits the ring and breaks a gee-tar over Hart's
head. You've got to understand that there are 16 segments to fill on Nitro.
Jeff Jarrett isn't in 16 segments. He's in one out of 16, and so is
everybody else. - Vince Russo
Chavo Guerrero attempts to sell some chains to Marinara's boys. Right
behind all this, we see Disco Inferno make a timely escape. For musical
accompaniment, the Maestro practices his chords.
You can see with Hacksaw and Chavo and Hennig - all these guys are going
someplace. - Vince Russo
Speaking of which, the Oklahoma fight song brings OKLAHOMA & DR. DEATH
down to ringside - ...we can tell that story and not even shoot Ed Ferrara
as Oklahoma, because it's not about what the guy looks like, it's about
what the guy is saying. That's the angle. - Vince Russo - Of course, we DO
see him, and his face, and his BBQ sauce.
By the way, notice that once again Ed Ferrara has given himself the
8:45-9:00 quarter once again....probably so Vince Russo can give us quotes
like ...the reality of it is, that was the highest rated segment on Monday
Elizabeth and Package discuss things - Luger gets her to give him the key,
then he doublecrosses her. "If you don't get out of this cage, I'll lift it
and put it in the ring." Ummm, but YOU have the key now - how's she gonna
get out on her own?
...one thing about me, that I've said a million times, is that all
storylines start with logic. - Vince Russo
...(THIS IS) STING is out with his baseball bat. Hey Sting, this guy SAVED
YOUR BACON last week.
...one thing about me, that I've said a million times, is that all storylines start with logic. - Vince Russo
Lord have mercy, ROWDY RODDY PIPER has come back to kill us all.
There's the Maestro and his female friend again..."Make it stop! Make it
stop! MAKE IT STOP!" Why, look, it's David Flair and his crowbar - and
they're demolishing the piano! WHAT A PAYOFF!!!!
...I think everybody is being elevated. - Vince Russo
Themonstermeng is up and doing the "I'm Going to Put the Tongan Death
Grip on You" dance! TONGAN DEATH GRIP!
... now I'm not saying, in six months we'll be beating the WWF in the
ratings. That's not what I said. What I said was, I think in six months we
will be very competitive when the writing team, the production team, and
also the talent ... when everybody is on the same page, everybody is
familiar with each other and everybody is working together. - Vince Russo
I'll still be here then, I reckon...
We'll see.
HE SAID IT: I can't wait for him to do it again. It's hilarious. The
first time he did it, I laughed so hard I nearly threw up four beers and a
tuna sandwich. - Mark Madden, proving that if you drink enough,
ANYTHING can be funny - and also, he's a lightweight...
The Outsiders are on opposite aprons - but some familiar music plays -
and I am cursed to once again transcribe the musings of SID VISCOUS
because he gets more requests than anybody of the folks who matter to
me...
MIKE TENAY interviews JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, who is the Chosen
One...to exclusively use the word "Slapnuts" and swing the gee-tar. Tenay
implies that Jarrett's fallen out of favour with the Powers that Be - and
Jarrett cracks a gee-tar over his head. Golly!
"Oh my God! Th--th--ohh! Fans, I---I---the'hell?" - Tony
JUSHIN THUNDER LIGER (no entrance) v. NEVER SURRENDER JUVENTUD GUERRERA (no
entrance) for the IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Championship - hey, you think we
should talk about this match? No way! BUZZKILL is here! And he's got a
SIGN!
Guerrera procures a bottle of tequila, which he shatters over Liger's head to secure the pinfall. This isn't exactly the Liger *I* remember. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Jr. Heavyweight champion of the world. (5:32) Tune in next week, when we'll find a way to put the belt on Madusa.
Chavo interviews the Outsiders... they PULL DOWN THEIR PANTS AND PISS ON THE WORLD TELEVISION TITLE! Well, actually they didn't, but really, is it any different? Is a "fuck you" in order? Why, I believe it is!
Symphony has caught up with the Maestro - oh, but it's David Flair in a
funny wig and cape. "Why isn't it playing?" as he whacks at the keyless
keyboard with his tire arn. He forces her to open the piano, where we see
the Maestro. Then she screams.
"David Flair is completely out of control, and he has apparently lured the
beautiful Symphony, and bound and gagged the Maestro...Kevin Nash comes out
for his rubber match, so to speak with Goldberg!"
So help me out here - they cut short that CAT-BO angle for 555-DEAL?
Piper with a drop toehold into the mud - now he's riding her and
slapping her in the patootie!
Opening Credits! Almost completely Jazz free!
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN - I can't help but notice the dainty teacup for Tony - hope it's used as a weapon later tonight, 'cause otherwise Tony just went sissy on us.
I got THE COOLEST THING EVER last Saturday at the Big K in Oakdale for
$4.99 - a Giant keychain that says "THECHOKESLAAAAAM!" every time you
press the button on it! I *NEVER* get tired of it! Why doesn't the WWF
make keychains that say "THECHOKESLAAAAAAM?" THE WWF SUCKS!!
Rowdy Roddy Piper refs an "I Quit" match between Creative Control and...Roddy Piper? Hold onto your britches, it's time for COMEDY!
This leads us into a Very Special Vignette of Brian Knobs wandering through the wilderness - where Fit Finlay stands wearing a jaunty beret and fatigues. Finlay promises to make Knobs do things that would make a billy goat puke - apparently, Knobs is joining the IRA?
Schiavone says something about "anything for ratings" and I keep waiting
for "for EVERY OTHER CHANNEL ON THE DIAL."
Maestro plays Stanley in "A Streetcar Named Desire." Or, if that's too
intellectual for you, Captain Kirk in "Wrath of Khan."
Oklahoma hits him in the jimmy! Oklahoma unfortuantely backs into Only,
who does - something.
ASYA nips up! I'm EXCITED!
The Artist...formerly known as Prince...........PRINCE
IAUKEA!!WOOOOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Remember
a few weeks ago when I was complaining about those really short
entrances? I take it all back. These guys take about a half hour to get
into the ring. You know, I can see why Maestro competed as Gorgeous
George III - he's got a real Gorgeous George thing going there - too bad
he can't play into that, as opposed to attempting to play the piano. If
you care who won this match...well, okay, Iaukea won with a rollup. I
mean, the Artists...snicker..formerly known as Prince...chuckle chortle
giggle Iaukea! BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA - oh, pardon me.
Evan Karagias is flirting with...Spice? Madusa catches them and then does her impression of Counselor Troi in that episode where that guy sucks the life force out of women, making them really old and really cranky and jealous - you know the one I'm talking about. By the way, Spice is really hot. There, I said it. Now you know.
Man, Lutz was right - a lot of people DO misspell "you're" on signs!
(This in-joke was brought to you by SURGE!)
MADUSA v. SPICE - And I was like "Don't go there girlfriend!" and she was all "Talk to the hand!" and I was like "you know, not EVEN," and then she was all "That is so NOT WORTH IT," and then EVAN KARAGIAS came out and then Spice sorta charged everybody, then covered Madusa, whose foot was on the rope, but referee "Blind" Billy Silverman counted 3 anyway
Mike Tenay interviews Sid Vicious and a Very Special Youngster.
Must.....resist...urge....to....make....inappropriate....joke....
Back outside, Vito and Johnny - chuckle - are back to their body bag.
What hijinks could possible happen now? They - snicker - open the bag to
find - are you ready? I can hardly contain myself! NORMAN SMILEY!
WAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Total Package attempts to talk match strategy with David Flair, who is caressing a headless teddy bear and giggling.
Mike Tenay calls to the cameraman - we need paramedics! Hart's been attacked! Ummm, this MIGHT have been more convincing if we hadn't seen Hart SLUMP down JUST after the cameraman entered the room... Lovingly stroking Hart's hair, Goldberg stands over his nemesis - and his partner - with his masculine, hairy chest glistening in the hot light of the cameras...so anyway
WHAT WILL HAPPEN ON THUNDER!? I KNOW! SOMEBODY ELSE WILL HAVE TO REPORT
THE RESULTS TO YOU!
Not worth waiting for, was it? Ha!
REPEATEDLY MENTIONING THE WWF WILL TEND TO MAKE PEOPLE INTERESTED IN THE WWF AND NOT YOUR COMPANY
Standard weapons brawl in the aisle ensues - hardcore beatbox action from DeeJay Punk-Roc! I just like saying that aloud.
MADUSA & NITRO GRRL SPICE walk to the ring. Spice has a loaded handbag,
while Madusa has giant breasts.
Stills from last night's Starrcade showed the returning Varsity Club
turn on Hacksaw Jim Duggan. The Varsity Club.
Sullivan gets on the fourth headset and you can actually see the giant whirlpool form as all my interest gets sucked into a black void.
Maestro's not that bad, actually - he certainly deserves better than for
me to completely blow off describing his match. Such is life.
...Also the Nitro Grrls Swimsuit Calendar special - suitable for
stroking!
Still shots show Sting, silly string, and a violent thing that Liz done
did to the Stinger with the bat. We learn that Sting has a hairline
fracture in his skull and a broken wrist.
Daphne shrieks. I keep waiting for her to fall out of her top, but no
luck. Hey Vampiro, tired of jobbing to Oklahoma? Here, job to David
Flair for a while.
Helpful hint: If I can hear you say "clear," then you're probably NOT REALLY clear.
And, sadly, Scott Steiner - Big Poppa Pump - will announce his
retirement tonight. And by "sadly," I mean "finally." Oops, sorry.
Meanwhile, the NWO triad has caught up with J.J. Dillon - Nash forks
over his title belt, Dillon throws out "I'm just the messenger" which is
a secret code for "please kick my ass now," and so they do.
Here's a Special Video Look at Scott Steiner - most of his whole career.
When the announcer says "cumulative strain and toil Scott had subjected his
body to," I can't help but think "steroids," actually. Is that bad of me?
Seeing Jarrett feign tears here reminds me of how he reacted in his
video they aired during the RAW tribute to Owen Hart. That's unfair of
me, for sure, but sadly, that's the exact image that is brought to my
mind. And seeing him here tonight...it makes me think a little less of
Jarrett. Congratulations, WCW, you're bringing me genuine pain.
Great, another two hours left of this.
Members of TEAM POWER PLANT are in the front row - and very stoic.
Where's Sonny Siaki? That guy's the next Rock, I swear!
A late Christmas present for me - starting next Monday, Nitro is cut to
two hours - 8 to 10. Thank GOD, 20% less work and 33% less Nitro EVERY
week!
Crowd is SCREAMING for the Wall! Well, no, not really.
The monster truck crushes the car - we're WAY late here, bring up the
credits, at least there's an hour less of this next week. Happy New
Year! Or should I say...HAPPY *SWERVE* YEAR!!!
If you made it this far, TAKE A DRINK!! Then GET SOME SLEEP!!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman |
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