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| Special Feature |
Year in Quotes 2000 |
| Edited by: vsp | |
MainBLAH |
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WXO (Whatever the hell it stood for) WOW (Women of Wrestling) WCW (World Championship Wrestling) WWF (World Wrestling Federation)
It's WXO WRESTLING #1, airing the week of 10.1.2K! It's rated TV-PG! It's got a guitars 'n' chant theme song! Sing it with me! "Here we go / time for the show / come one come all / to the WXO"
ERIC WATTS & ZANDIG v. TOMMY ROGERS & ADAM "SCRAP IRON" PEARCE - Watts brought his cool pants with him from WCW, I knew you were wondering.
Crowd clapping rhythmically but not putting a dent in the canned noise.
A silver Mercedes arrives in the back - and a mysterious guy (looking a lot like Dan Severn, although we never see his face) gets out and starts - yes! WALKING!
MANIAC MANNY FERNANDEZ v. SHAWN HILL - Fernandez hails from Bellevue and really likes the colour green - his tights, hair, and face are all green. Hill (standard pretty boy in small tights) offers the hand of friendship, Fernandez tries to take a chunk out of it. Yeah, let THAT be a lesson to you - don't offer a handshake to a crazy man!
Lane says he has NO idea who left the Mercedes - here's a hint, Stan, *we saw him in the opening credits*.
TED DiBIASE appears as the fog machine cranks out the smoke and the TripleMania-style christmas lights line the walkway. He's out to - to tell us what WXO stands for! No, I guess not.
Let's play the WXO theme - it's already annoying!
SCOTT NASH v. "THE BULLY" BARRY DARSOW - Nash wears some familiar looking "NASH" tights, coloured long hair and walks in over the...middle rope. Well, he IS a lot shorter than the definitive article.
Darsow: "I'm gonna break his neck!" Compare this to his usual "I'm gonna break his stinkin' arm!" from WCW.
WHAT THE HECK DOES WXO STAND FOR? BeaFuddle offers "WXO - Wrestling Kiss Hug - I think it's European"
Your hosts are CREEPY CHRIS CRUISE and SWEET STAN LANE. This week, we'll visit the Egg Dome to see Bart Gunn & Johnny Ace in action, and we'll probably also congratulate ourselves for being so family-friendly!
Lane points out the lack of pads on the concrete - when you go outside, "you're gonna suck some cement!" Yeah, SCREW SAFETY!
Green catches him in the spinebuster (which Cruise first calls "a version of the sidewalk slam" - yeah, Tony Schiavone's version) for the pin. (3:48)
Backstage, Fred Ottman - ARRIVES! But, he can't seem to get out of his tiny sports car. I guess this is funny! Another SHOCKING entrance for the MASTER Fred Ottman! Now play the WXO theme song!
The Black Nature Boy is so named because he's black, and because he was NOT trained by Ric Flair - only Stan Lane was trained by Flair. So...I guess we DON'T know why.
Lane says "Internet" in the hopes of getting backyard guys to supply cheap labour.
"I'm Shannon Doherty, and you're watching WB-20 - WB with us!" Shannon, I wouldn't WB with YOU if you were the LAST WOMAN ON EARTH.
Cruise TWICE says we're going to see the Bully Barry Darsow in action, but he sure looks like Mike Enos, and that's what the graphic says as well - oh well.
Enos FINALLY gets his shirt off - whoa, put it back on! What a gut!
Before Enos can follow up on Powers, BARRY DARSOW is out with a can of beer for Enos...across the noggin. Hey, beer isn't family-friendly!
Try not to laugh reading THIS one: "JOHNNY ACE - the man in Japan - I'm in Tokyo right now, and ALL'S I ever hear about is this WXO - what does the "X" stand for? I don't know, I don't care, but I'm coming to kick some butt! On the Internet, the media, the press, they keep saying 'Johnny, are you going to the WXO?' And the answer is obvious - yes. If you don't got it, get it. If you don't get it......figure it out."
Commentators talking about Adam Pearce professing his admiration for the Heartbreakers - Lane drops the word "mark," and Cruise pretends to not know what it means.
This is a SEISMIC SHIFT - wrestling you can watch with your children! Of course, if you don't HAVE children, maybe you'd be better off buying some...or something, I don't know.
Lane says "we told 'em to get stiff - and they get stiffer every week here on WXO!" QUOTE HIM!
I love how Cruise keeps referring to ONE man as "the Bodies."
Oh, and one more thing. "Cleopatra 2525" and "Jack of All Trades" might very well be the WORST hour of television EVER.
Lane remarks on "Body #1" almost breaking his neck last week. They STILL haven't come up with names for these guys? That's pretty family-friendly of them!
Hey, that's interesting. The company marketing these NHRA videos, Diamond P Sports, is also the company putting on this here show...
The commentators are still reeling at Pearce turning on Rogers. I'm still reeling that they couldn't bother to give me a camera angle backing up that story.
Hart disses Watts' pants - oh, that's it, screw HER.
I think the best thing about this is Cruise mentioned Watts' "Lights Out" finisher about five times, so when the time comes - WE DON'T GET IT. Watts just covers instead. Yeah, that'll sell it.
WHAT THE HECK DOES WXO STAND FOR? Apparently, judging by Cruise's inability to correctly identify Japanese wrestlers, "Wildly Xenophobic Obiter dictum" (Look it up.)
"JOHNNY ACE and Mike Barton - my partner (who knocked out Doc) - are in the WXO. We made a move from the land of the rising sun to the WXO. And we are the Movement! And when we hit that ring, you're gonna FEEL the power! We want the tag team straps, and we are the Movement! Don't forget it! WXO! What's the X stand for? We don't know, and we don't care! You don't got it, get it! You don't get it - figure it out."
Man, won't Ace be surprised when he learns this organization HAS NO BELTS?
Adonis with a back suplex to break THAT up. 1, 2, no. Hart: "What now?" CRZ: "Now you SHUT UP."
Cruise wants to sleep with Hart SO BADLY.
Barry Darsow is gonna keep plugging priceline.com until he stops getting paid - which should be, what, three more weeks or so?
This match is indylicious!
I was originally going to recap the first "WWF Fanatix" presentation, but the thought of two hours of "The Rock: The People's Champion" didn't seem like the sort of thing to encourage my immune system to respond - in fact, I'm pretty sure that the surgeon general has determined that prolonged exposure to the Rock's catchphrases can lead to cancer and birth defects.
We open with a vignette (sports entertainment RULES!)
One of the girls' trademarks is to whip her four pigtails at other people.
"From the Beaches of California, Sunny and Sandy - the Beach Patrol!" Hey, I thought "Sunny" was trademarked? (Possible lawsuit count: 2 - and a quick website check reveals they *have* already changed her name...to Summer)
McLane gets a big shove, falling off his feet and into the ropes. Just in case we weren't sure who the heels were in this match (hint: they ain't white and blonde).
Yup, *that* Lee Marshall - looks like he's escaped the ESPN2 arm wrestling circuit to once again call the action of televised professional wrestling - perhaps they couldn't afford the services of Chris Cruise?
We are told that Heat are "on work release" - make your own joke here.
When we come back, it's almost as if time's been standing still for the past two minutes of Benny Hill video ad - everybody's in the same spot, and only the camera angle has changed.
Caged Heat pound away as the ref counts to five. That's a disqualification, folks - what is it they say about the first match setting a tone for the whole program? SCROOOOOOOJOB. (DQ - we saw 4:46)
Here to make a save are TWO NO-NAMES, I guess - as they come in...and quickly go out without identification. That one poor woman there is more worried about keeping her shorts on than actually helping out.
But the BEST part of this match is...*both combatants have mullets.* As cool as mullets look on men, there's definitely an inverse relationship to how they look on women, lemme tell ya...
Marshall: "I tell you what, David, this could be one of the greatest women's matches we've seen in quite some time." Is that saying much, given the wonen's matches we've had over the past...eighteen minutes? Oh well, here we go.
Majors is from Stone Mountain, Georgia, we are told - hey, you don't mean that's really....but I thought she was dead!
After the requisite heel stalling and mullet fluffing, we lock up again
McLane: "A little tit for tat, Lee!" Me: "He just said WHAT?"
McLane either names off all the people who've given him money, or identifies super fans in the crowd - you make the call.
Her opponent - the world class gymnast - Terri Gold!" Think Kerri Strug if she were entering the Crystal Light Aerobics Competition...oh, and gotten about a foot taller.
Gold does over 2500 situps a day, we are told. Where DOES she get the time?
We're a minute in and Marshall is busting out "There have been a number of women that have impressed me so far in this battle royal." Umm, okay, Lee. How's the buffet?
Slam Dunk is out at the hands of four women - she seems unhappy about this. "I AM SLAM!" Okay, you're Slam.
WHACK and the chairshot puts Majors down to the mat, out like a mackerel. Can I talk about fish in a women's wrestling report?
You just GOTTA love those sub-four minute battle royals! PUTS THE '92 ROYAL RUMBLE TO SHAME, IT DOES
But it's not over - the Angels put Selina Majors on the commentary table as we get our first good look at Lee Marshall - WHOA MAN! Those arm wrestling announce gigs must pay super well, 'cause HE'S BEEN EATING *REAL* WELL, MAN - DAMN!
"This just goes too far - you DON'T have to do that. This don't need to be in the sport of wrestling - I don't care whether it's amateur or professional, whatever - but when you start doing this, forget it." Because GOD KNOWS there's just TOO MUCH USE OF THE CHAIR in amateur wrestling, right Verne?
So it would SEEM that it's going to *easily* outlast the WXO...but, and this is possibly the MOST salient point...
...when was the last time you associated the name "Verne Gagne" with the word "success?"
Opponent is ...are you ready? A cheerleader. Her theme kinda goes like this. "P-A-T-T-I-P-A-T-T-I-Patti Pep! (clap clap clap) Patti Pep!" Repeat until cheesy.
We cut to McLane, who *jumps* Majors, Mike Wallace style after being pushed out of the "Authorized Area" into the X-Ray room. "Selina, Selina, are you all right? SELINA! SELINA SAY SOMETHING!!!" Damn, David, take a pill.
Beckie leads out four of her in-bred cousins, and they all ... they all *hoe down* at ringside. Yikes.
Riot swats away the next dropkick as McLane tells us that that pig was a gift to the farmer's daughter by her father so long ago - RIIIIIIIGHT.
David McLane: the promoter with a HEART. "Do anything you can to save this young girl!" It'll probably come out down the road that this "Dr. Martin" is a veterinarian or something, right?
How can he keep these two apart? HE'S ONLY ONE MAN!! CAPITAL LETTERS!!
"From the deep, deep freeze...it's Ice Cold." From Gangrel's elevator, more like, with lots of fake snow flying around.
Let Us Once Again Take You Back To Last Week Where Thug Attacked Selina Majors. Now, the doctor already said it wasn't broken, so it's kinda wrong to say "Thug...BREAKING the leg of Selina Majors," isn't it?
These WOW wrestlers are really big on the temporary tattoos, aren't they?
And now we look at...a vault? McLane exits, carrying...paper clips? "I'm glad I saved these things...these things cost money, you know." His cel phone rings. "Oooh! Who's calling tonight. Hello, David McLane! Regis! What's new? Do I wanna be a millionaire? Where do I sign up? Oh, it's your TV show. Sorry! 'Who wants to be a WOW Champion?' is the hottest contest on TV! And that's - MY final answer! Hahahahahahahahaha - Regis, hello? Hello, hello? Regis, hello?"
What the hell was THAT?
Phantom rises up through the Gangrel elevator, then plays the violin. D'y'know, I think she might really be playing it there! Ahh, and she's got a "mask" painted on her face. CAMEL TOE CAMEL TOE ohhh sorry, I just didn't expect that there.
Director desperately looking for an angle where we don't see any naughty bits...I think.
Gold leaps up and straddles her shoulder once again - and there's another side body scissors takeover. In WOW, we do EVERYTHING twice, in case you miss it the first time!
Blond wears a Sable catsuit...come to think of it, she looks A LOT like Sable. From the music and entrance video, she's supposed to be James Bond - I'll say this for her, she's more like Bond than Dean Malenko. Whatever THAT'S worth.
Dunk walks in over the top rope - let's hope the comparison to Kevin Nash ends there.
McLane tells us that Blond's aunt is the current sheriff of Nottingham, and her sister works for Scotland Yard. I *want* to believe him, but I don't.
COMING UP: Beckie the Farmer's Daughter and Bronco Billie visit Selina Majors! OH BOY! CALL THE NEIGHBOURS!
Yikes, an "EnerX" ad with TESTIMONIALS - "Yeeeeeah...*stamina's* probably a good way to put it!"
"The weapons master...her name is DANGER!" Think Steve Blackman, only a woman. And not Lethal.
"Her opponent, Tanja the Warrior Woman!" Think Xena, only less lesbian. Marshall says this is the ultimate homage to her hero, Xena (translation: please don't sue us).
We see Beckie's ENTIRE entrance video, which...is actually rather painful to watch, now that we get the full jugband gestalt.
OH MAN BRET HART GUEST STARS ON "LORENZO LAMAS IS THE IMMORTAL" - and Bret Hart actually has "You kick like a mule, son" as one of his lines! Man, WHY didn't they promote this on WCW? Actually, after seeing Hart act, I think I'm safe in saying he should *probably* stick to his day j-- ohhh I'm sorry.
LAST WEEK ON WOW: Well, technically, Lana Star's path of rage took place *two* weeks ago, but maybe it's EXPENSIVE to change the on-screen graphics!
Hey, what better way to outlast the WXO than by moving to a SECOND taping!
Golly, did Poison's lips actually mouth "kiss my ass?" That's not family friendly!
Poison rolls her over and goes to the cameltoe clutch.
Caliente (think star of "forbidden dance" movie) may be firey, but her nipples say it's cold out there. Oh no, Caliente, look out for that sinister masked man! Fortunately, the entrance video enemy is thwarted with a timely...hip thrust. Yeah. Geez, her nipples are hypnotic. I feel DIRTY ogling her.
Caliente's got the bestest tightest outfits.
Riot is over with a gutshot...got her over her shoulder...hey THERE'S an angle only gynecologists usually get to see - and there's the slam.
"What do you want me to do with her?" THAT'S a loaded question, isn't it?
Hide has an entrance video that will change your life. "Please help me...help me...please...help me...help me." See, she's strapped to the bed, and all the doctors and nurses gawk but do nothing...and then she runs away all scary looking and bobbing around and...somebody hold me.
Boom Boom again falls victim to the need to bond with the fandom at ringside.
Meanwhile, Hide grabs the pumpkin - THAT'S NOT A WEAPON! And, no matter HOW hard your head is, you just can't absorb a shot with a pumpkin.
The good half of me thought the technical aspect of this match was really rather lacking. The bad half of me is considering rewinding back to catch Caliente again before continuing this report.
"Shut up, McLane! This isn't no fantasy, this is Ice Cold Reality! Can you feeeeel the chill? Ice-uh! COLD!" OH MAN REALITY BOOKING IN WEEK FOUR
They actually add a little pyro (and I mean "a" and I mean "little") to Danger's entrance.
Wheels is america's sweetheart, by the way. It's a very subtle difference, but Wheels is a mechanic, while Hammerin' Heather Steele is more of a carpenter/fix-it girl. These differences can only be noticed after years of experience in professional wrestling television show critique - and the winner is YOU, THE READER!
Elbowdrop gets 2 - but because the theme tonight is "she pulls her up," SHE PULLS HER UP!
Danger scoops her up and slams her. "This is MY house - MY rules!" If she says "It's party time" I think we can start talking lawsuit.
Yes, Danger has McLane by the throat and we're all shouting DO IT! DO IT! Well, Marshall is saying NOT to do it, but he doesn't count?
DISCIPLINARIAN v. TERRI GOLD for the WOW World Championship - just like Dean Douglas, Disciplinarian's entrance video starts with the scratching of a blackboard. Young cherubs give us looks of terror from the playground. "From the Board of Education, the Disciplinarian!" Hey, remember when Bob Backlund presented Dean Douglas with the Board of Education? That was like FIFTEEN MINUTES before he decided to leave the WWF. Aww, she makes the youngsters cry.
Holding the armbar, now twisting if over, and stomping it in. Can you imagine the WOW wrestling clinic? "Now, after you turn the arm over, you must STOMP to make it look more PAINFUL." Lee Marshall calls this a pump handle, but I just can't do it.
QUICK QUOTE: 1 1/2 (- 2) - owch - so much for that reverse stock split plan
Grrrl puts her in the ropes, kick, kick, kick, McLane calls them "boots to the midsection" BUT SHE'S BAREFOOT
I've finally placed Slam Dunk's music - wasn't it on one of those Taebo tapes?
Here's a look at Thug and EZ Rider - is Thug giving her pool cue a hand job? Yow!
Roxy Powers looks like Freddie from "A Different World," except more blond and more muscular. "Introducing first, the total athlete, Roxy Powers!" Her video shows her jumping rope with a chain - *you* explain it to *me* - and her music reminds me of the Steiner's theme in the WWF (or Alex Porteau's, if you prefer).
With some ECW static, we head to the bathroom - "Mirror, mirror on the wall / I'm the cutest of them all / You can travel near and far / But no one's cuter than Lana Star!" Graphic says: "Join Lana for her Shower Next on WOW!" Ummm...ALLLLLL RIGHT!
Oh, man, what a GYP. About fifteen camera angles, but nothing but fixtures, hands, head and feet. (I guess to the guys who are into foot fetishes, this is heaven, but unfortunately, I'm not one of them.)
The ECW static sends us to Lana Star, towel on head and addressing her reflection in the mirror. "I knew it, I'm even cuter! And now to brush my great hair.." She removes the towel - but oh no! Her hair is GREEN! Lana screams...and we pull back from her dressing room to the Forum (check out the 75-foot banners of the WOW girls on the exterior) to the LA skyline, to a view of the planet from orbit, to a view of the ENTIRE earth - oh MAN, is this CHEEE-ZEE.
Oh my Billie's pants are just a WEE bit too small.
Big ol' hairpull - pounding the back (McLane: "Bronco Billie takin' it in the back!")
By the way, I have to take issue with that extreme pullback on Star's howl from two weeks back...because *in space, no one can HEAR you scream.* Also, the fact that that editor has the shower scene cued up in his deck should come as NO surprise at all - editors get about as much action as, say, TV show recappers.
At this point, LANA STAR's music and video - and then Star herself - interrupt the proceedings - GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY SHE'S LET THEM FREE - SHE'S LET THEM FREE - this woman NEEDS a bra - can we get this woman a bra, PLEASE?
Poison slaps her ass. "You know what, Lana? Kiss it!" "Woooo! Ladies and gentlemen, I think the match has been made! Poison has accepted Lana Star's challenge, and you're gonna see it - Lana Star against Poison!" "Why are you still here, David? GOD!" Man, SCREW *this* week's show - I wanna see NEXT week's show!!!!! Golly, she may actually BE wearing a bra...God help her.
Grrrl's got "flat hair" tonight. Big delayed bodyslam. Big breasts on Billie.
"Thug, you don't belong out here right now - I'm interviewing the four-time world champion of the world!" Yes, he *did* just say "world champion of the world."
Then she breaks the board of education - oh, the ruler - over Steele's back. McLane: "This is what they need in school today - this'd set these teenagers right!" Wow, sounds like an angry senior citizen - "ehh them lousy teenagers with their backwards baseball caps and their hip hop...ehhhhhhh turn up the heat in here!"
When McLane says "the hoedown is in the house," you have to think maybe he means something else... GOOD GOD that entrance video is SOOOOO DE FROMAGE.
To Harley's Angels we go, where they display a lovely hand-drawn illustration of Selina Majors, complete with DIE SELINA as well as accurately-rendered mullet and additional noose, cast and crutch (sold separately).
Poison with her trademarked "I just licked my palm and now I'll take your temperature" move.
Off they go, arm in arm, bouncing breast in bouncing breast, as the not-quite-as-catchy Patti Pizzazz theme plays. By the way, Star LOST. I WONDER what Randi Rah Rah thinks of this!
We switch to a shot of a pair of gloves shining the WOW championship belt. "What's this? There's Terri Gold's world championship belt that was stolen from her? Who could have it? Are they in the building?" Oh, if ONLY that cameraman had moved off of those hands and to the FACE belonging to them!
With Star's bulldog being named the Facelift, I'm wondering if OTHER new name moves are soon to come. I've compiled a short list of suggestions:
The Overdub
Of course, none of this should be taken as a suggestion that the lovely Ms. Star has had any of ALL of the above...after all, I doubt she's had a facelift either
Remember, Ice's gimmick is that she hates David McLane.
Right, right left right, right, Cold knows THE SECRET as she stomps in every punch.
TERRI GOLD is out in "street" clothes - if by "street," you mean "walking the." Still, I'd rather see HER in a backless number and leather pants than Stephanie...
Gold takes the mic at mid-aisle, off a handoff from Day - wireless mics COST MONEY, folks, they can't give one to EVERYBODY who's out there!
"How am I supposed to be a champion without my belt?" Golly, she's WHINY this week - say, do wrestlers get PM--ohh, sorry.
Here's an Asian-lookin' chick in the crowd - let's see what *she's* got to say "Lotus and Jade just...kick their ass...with karate! And kung fu!" Ooh, that's gotta be embarrassing for her entire RACE, there - not so much her words as the GIANT WAD OF GUM in her mouth while she tries to spit OUT those words.
Scoop...and a slam (ALSO a "full bodyslam" if you're McLane, because remembering move names you didn't just make up is HARD).
Mystery uncloaks to reveal....that she's wearing Terri Gold's stolen WOW championship belt! This would be SHOCKING, except that there's only ONE masked woman in black in WOW, so we all should have caught onto this a few weeks ago. Hey, I'm not gonna tell you *I* did...even though I DID, but I would have AT LEAST hoped that *McLane* would have had the brains to put it all together - har har! Of course, listening to the screams of *both* our commentators...well, it's news to them and they just don't know WHAT to say other than "HEY! HEY!" Here we go.
I take it back - Goon's mask looks more like that robot S.V7 from that one episode of "Doctor Who" - you know the one I'm talking about? Leela was in it - yeah, she WOULD make a good wrestler, come to think of it...
Once again, if you can't tell them apart, here's a little primer: Rider is *the one who wears a shirt,* while Davidson is *the one who makes "give me fellatio" hand motions with her tongue.*
"If you don't give me this shot against Mystery, I will NEVER represent this organization again!" Yeah, SCREW THE CHILDREN, TERRI.
"What kind of champion would I be if I couldn't get the belt back for my fans?" I think when she says "for my fans," she really means "for MEEEEEE."
I must have missed that bit about Phantom....hmm, her webpage seems to have disappeared, too. Don't tell me I'll never get to hear that BODYBUILDING VIOLIN again?!?
Farah, dressed in standard belly dancer garb, looks as if she's escaped from the harem by studying Charo's "coochie coochie" breast wiggle, and indeed, she cannot WALK without doing a lot of swiveling on top to get the legs going. Paradise, on the other hand, I'd describe as a Hawaii Five-O credits girl, except that we know that Boom Boom is WOW's resident Hawaiian, so I guess we'll just have to generic up Paradise's pedigree. Boy, sure looks like she's hula-ing in her entrance video, though. She also has hypnotic cleavage, if I may. Think of her as Tygress with a better face (sorry, Tygress).
Poison licks her fingers TWICE. I liked that "one layer of blonde, one layer of red" hairstyle better on Ginger Spice, myself.
If she's Ice Cold, why's she the only one I ever see breaking a sweat on this show?
Caliente is once again doing her forbidden nipple dance.
Caliente lets Hyde try on her skirt - everybody clap for the CRAZY LADY - whoops, just tripped.
McLane: "Caliente being cheered on by HER people!" Am I one of her people? I hope so!
Your winner is Caliente...and your winner is ME because I get to watch Caliente celebrate! (1:36 + 2:14)
McLane: "It's been nine weeks, baby, and Selina still can't get her hands on Thug in a singles match!" Me: "What about the FIRST week?"
I guess I better mention the "THUG HAS A MULLET" sign even though we've been seeing it ALL HOUR.
Leave it to McLane: "Like every LA girl, she's now become vain!" Golly, sounds like SOMEONE'S had some bad luck with the chicks down in SoCal.
McLane: "She's got the package!" Me: "Well, either she hides it well or you're wrong."
What *I* wanna know is how come Lana Star is emailing ALL these 'Net folk who talk about WOW ... ALL of them, that is, EXCEPT me? Why am *I* not good enough? How can I become the type of person that Lana Star would notice and email? Do I need to use more pink in my reports? Should I find more obscure places to talk about WOW? Should I spend less time talking about her breasts? CONUNDRUM CONUNDRUM
McLane tosses the belt to Gold (lookit that funny planted McLANE $UCK$ sign) who goes back to the ring - and now "the children are filling the ring!" Looks more like they want to perform bouncy moves off the ropes, quick, cut to a different camera. McLane: "These youngsters are in love with her...and she loves the kids!" Oh my.
QUICK QUOTES: WOWI.OB 1 1/4 (- 1/2) - last week, they announced an investor relations firm had been hired, and the response was *instantaneous*...and I mean "instantaneous" in that sense that it means "has yet to materialize."
Star, resplendent in pink bustier and black pants; Pizzazz with the reverse - and a pink bra as well. Bobby Heenan asked me to tell you that "their cups runneth over" - I *never* should have let him in here.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? ("Is it cleavage, cleavage, cleavage?")
Another hairpull brings her to her feet - and NOW she's between the legs again. Riot looking for fan response, as if to say "hey! Look what I've got between my legs!"
Milton: "You could had three!" Riot: "I coulda had A LOTTA things." I don't even know what that means...but I like it.
Jade's wedgie will need to develop later, looks like.
Jade with a Year of the Monkey flip. ("I thought she was supposed to be Japanese.") ("I dunno - she's Asian. I'm just a dumb white guy.") ("Oh.")
Gutshot by Disco, double underhook (THERE'S the wedgie we know and love) - SLAPJACK! 1, 2, 3. (3:01) Marshall called it a chicken wing, but I know a Pedigree when I see it.
I think *Cleo* should be a wrestler. She could tell us ahead of time if she's going to win or not by looking at the cards, and then LATER, somebody can elbow her in the face...
Marshall asks when their rubber match will take place, and I wonder if he's asking what I *think* he's asking.
"Jungle Grrrl, what a spectacular move off that third rope, but in all MY years, I've never seen anyone come off the third rope and hit someone with their head!" Grrrl: "You should watch Chris Benoit sometime." No, really she says "Let me tell everybody here a couple of things! First of all, NEVER, EVER hunt what you can not kill." Then she hands the mic back before saying the second thing. I guess we'll never know.
Can somebody tell me, PLEASE, which team's the face?
Cold is in to check on Poison. "McLane, this is all your fault! You *faggot!* How could you let this happen!?" Damn, she's not going to turn on her, either, is she. Did she just call him a.....and they didn't mute it? Yikes!
Let's go to the replay...Ice Cold tied up with Milton, CRACK, Pizzazz put on top...the hell? A floating WOW logo meets up with Pizzazz' ... well, her... her "koochal" area, and then it *floats* around, blocking our view of Patti's posterior! THAT was a STRANGE choice. What are they trying to tell us here? Where am I? Why am I here?
We spend A LOT of time watching her entrance video - hey, she just blew up a man! Is that legal?
"JEANNIE BUSS! Jeannie Buss, owner of the Los Angeles Lakers here in attendance today. Let's cheer on the Lakers to another world championship! Introducing now the six foot three power forward...SLAM DUNK." Phil Jackson got to tap THAT? Golly!
At this point, the ASIAN INVASION start down the aisle, making "shhh" noises to the fans so that they can be *sneaky.*
Up we go, into the ropes, Dunk tries a THIRD time to make that ersatz sidewalk slam look like shit...and succeeds.
I think we should call 'em the *Wedgie* Invasion.
DANGER is out to play Triple H Water Fountain. I'm disappointed to see that once again she's not carrying a broadsword with her.
I can't believe I've gone almost a whole minute without talking about Caliente's headlights - oh damn.
"Well, Terri Gold, we can see that the belt is back where it belongs...around your waist!" Actually, it's over her shoulder, but why mince words, right?
"What was that?! What was that? Fans, some type of venom was sprayed into Terri Gold's face!" We get multi-angle replays of the money shot. "The trainer, get the trainer here! Terri Gold has been blinded, Terri Gold has been blinded....Terri Gold has been blinded... Terri Gold has been blinded..." OH THE HUMANITY McLANE
McLane: "But one must wonder - is the machine of Riot and Danger as oiled and as lubed as Beckie the Farmer's Daughter and Bronco Billie?" Well, now I'M wondering - thanks a LOT, McLane.
When we come back, Riot misses ANOTHER elbowdrop on Billie...I hope she hasn't been missing those for two and a half minutes!
Riot: "Do you remember this?" and she puts Billie's head between her legs. What do you suppose happened in the past history of these two with THAT?
Anyway, Riot makes a...rather gentle cover - Milton over after putting Danger out, 1...SHE PULLS HER UP! AND she lovingly strokes her hair. Man, that's IT - OBVIOUSLY Riot and Beckie had something going on behind the scenes. Beckie's head between her legs - hmm - going for the powerbomb...but Beckie fights it, leaving HER crotch in Riot's face...and that must have temporarily stunned Riot (the power of a faded memory?) because Beckie manages to bring it forward in a Victory Roll - 1, 2, 3!! (3:20 + 3:28)
We cut straight to STONE COLD SELINA MULLET heading to ringside - they only seem to do this with Selina, making it look like we're joining the show in progress. Ah well.
When we come back, we're behind the music with Bronco Billie and *her* cleavage.
When we come back, Thug lifts a dumbbell with her right hand...and a beer with her left. Hey, SHE'S turning face! Fortunately, I'm not confused into thinking she's someone else because the THUG logo is helpfully displayed for me.
If you've been wondering what GOOD cheese is...these segments are pretty much it.
Have I mentioned that Billie looks like an attractive Francine?
Riot does the "ridin' a horsey" dance...THEN mounts a turnbuckle backwards and plays cowgirl. Does she *know* what she's doing to Dean?
Riot puts Billie into the ropes, but Billie hits an...I have no idea...for 1. No, I watched it five times...no idea - she just kinda pushed her backwards into the pinning predicament.
Riot has her by the hair - "You're gonna disqualify me? What difference does it make? What difference does it make?" Riot's got issues.
And now...Cleo - the cards them, they never lie
"Merry Pink Christmas to all of our WOW fans!" And they each blow ME a kiss. Awwwwww.
Just to keep us interested, Sullivan forces Leia to jump up and down on the trampoline - David Spade sez: "I liked this better the first time I saw it - when it was on THE MAN SHOW."
Now STANDARDS & PRACTICES are out, and their accompanying LEGS push Meow off the trampoline and in turn, *they* cover her up with one of their blazers. Sullivan and Rotundo over to play with Lenny & Lodi - err, whatever their names are - apparently Skye will now be known as "Miss Hancock" - snicker - well, in all this the Harris' cover Buzzkill for the 3 following a .... double flapjack, I think. The director can't be bothered to have it take up more than a tiny bit of my TV screen. (2:02)
I see a boom mic!
Meanwhile, we see Hart arrive - but Sid Vicious lies in wait! He's wearing a neck brace, and brandishing a ... a ... well, some sort of metal rack. Maybe a bread rack! And Sid bends the...whatever it is...over Hart's back! We hear muttering from the NWO locker room - oops, that must have been a mistake.
The Wendy's 99 cent Super Value Menu replay is that attack we just done seen - 'cause, you know, we might have MISSED it watching...the Falcons and the 49ers!! Yeah!
Diamond Cutter out of a fireman's carry for JC Ice, top rop Diamond Cutter for Wolfie D, feel the bang, Wolfpac theme starts, Page goes out through the crowd, NWO theme cuts off the Wolfpac theme, briefly mixed with Page's theme, now back to the NWO theme, my head's spinning.
LeRoux falls on his keister, he's so surprised at Midnight's appearance - despite the fact that it came just following the lights going out and the gong.
And the BEST part of this segment is...no matter WHAT happens, Daffney keeps jumping up and down and cackling. This *entire* segment - IT'S JUST GOOD TELEVISION!
Bagwell with the windmill pose, then he laughs at Asya - 'cause he finds girls funny.
Terry Funk spins Vampiro around and waylays him with a left hand that puts him out COLD. Funk now all over Vampiro, now rolling him back in the ring - just for grins, Buff hits a Blockbuster on him, too. I think I also saw Bobby Heenan, Billy Silverman, and the entire front row also drop elbows on Vampiro. Meanwhile, Anderson slaps Flair - who crawls into the ring and puts an arm over Vampiro for the pinfall. (3:06) Next week, Vampiro will sell for Nitro Grrl Chae - don't miss it!
David Flair is running around and screaming "where are you?" Well, dope, if you'd FOLLOWED them before the ad break...
Tony: "Tenay turns heel." Schiavone drops the lingo to appeal to the smarts. Baaaaaaaaaaa.
Testicular claw for Crowbar - I didn't know Nash swung that way.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions - David Flair & Crowbar. David Flair & Crowbar. David Flair & Crowbar. (3:40)
David Flair & Crowbar. Don't that just beat all?
Here's hoping that the lead headline in tomorrow's Onion is "CRAPPY ISP BUYS ANNOYING MEDIA CONGLOMERATE"
The Animals take on the Revolution for about thirty seconds until that REALLY annoying laugh brings out the champs and now it's a Pier Six Brawl - you know, you can CALL it a "three way dance," but ain't NOBODY dancing out there.
Douglas, on fourth headset, says "I love it when a Flair gets dumped on his head!" Shane, your dream's dead. Trust me.
Tony says that rather than announce tonight's matches, Terry Funk has decided to book on the fly tonight - now that opening is JUST TOO EASY.
Also tonight, a special interview with Stevie Ray ("sucka" will be said)
Here's Scott Steiner and lots bouncin' boobies - when they jiggle like that I can't HELP but think "Coochie coochie"
OKLAHOMA is out. GREAT.
Oklahoma begs off - then when she turns her back (why?) he hits a high knee. Outside - stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! This guy almost knows as many moves as the Rock!
Wanna have fun? Translate Orndorff into English.
Let's Take a Special Video Look at Bagwell and Page - oh my, this sure got real real, real fast. And by "real," I mean "totally fake." At least this time, when they play the "Buff would put his stuff all over her," it isn't muted. You take your positives where you can get them, I guess.
What the HELL just happened?
There's a shot of the cage before we go to Mean Gene, who welcomes STEVIE RAY to the ring. Ray trips on the giant "C" on his way out - who had him in the weekly pool?
Jimmy Barron is a cheap bastard - PLEASE come to Souled Out - PLEASE! Even in January, Barron wears the shorts and the flip-flops and hangs out by the pool.
Sid Vicious and Sting have videos, and you can buy them. Also, the Nitro Girls wear swimsuits and you can beat off to them - I mean, BUY them!
Does THIS segment make you want to order the PPV?
When Tony says "I can remember back in 1978," so many things go through my mind. One, since when does Tony remember things happening TWO MONTHS ago, and two, how great an idea is it to get over Snuka by bring up great highlights from *22* YEARS AGO?
Do you think the folks in the arena are feeling like they're getting their money's worth?
Elbowdrop on the knee. Another elbowdrop. I sure could go for a cream soda right now.
ARN ANDERSON is out - and there's a STEEL pipe to the back. And there's another. Sure, might as well wreck the one good match we've had all night.
I can't adequately put into words how unsatisfying this show is. That's how Nitro has gotten for me. Who on earth are they playing to with this show? Did it do ONE DAMN THING to get you interested in Sunday's card? Would you consider tonight's use of Benoit proof that he's no longer being wasted or kept down? How about Booker T.? What happened to all the Cruiserweights and luchadors? Anybody seen Kaz Hayashi? Where is the television belt, and why isn't it around the waist of Steve Regal? What will they do NEXT week to make things worse, 'cause you KNOW they are intent on finding new and improved ways to make things worse, more unwatchable, more uninteresting to fewer and fewer people....oops, I was trying to keep that in check. Well, I'm sure MADDEN liked it. And, hell! At least the locker room morale is way up. That's what I read on WCW.com anyway - THEY wouldn't lie.
See you next week.
AFTERMATH: Look, I'm not gonna crow about how happy I am that Mr. Crash TV is on the outs, 'cause I don't know for certain yet that the next regime will be any less fucked up than this one.
Heenan says Big T is twice the size he was, compared to the last time he saw him - well, that's true, but not in the GOOD way.
"Hey, brother, I know you're in the back - Booker T. - get your sad sack fruit [booty out here right now] - 'cause Stevie Ray's talkin' to you." Then he makes a DDT Digest face. PLEASE tell me how, on a TV-14 show, they feel like they have to mute "fruit booty."
BIG T v. BOOKA T. - Tenay calls it a Tiger bomb, which sends several smarts into spasms.
Vito tells him he's gonna kick him, he's gonna punch him - I guess it would have been out of character to request a flying headscissors, top-rope plancha, and tope con hilo...
Disco Inferno is not Masahiro Chono - I leave it to you to decide the goodness or badness of that last sentence.
The video plays, and as we flash the names of Shane, Evan and Shannon across the screen, Mike Tenay spontaneously lets out a "God, this is lame."
Heenan, of course, is interjecting really embarrassing stuff which I won't reprint out of respect. "I like marching music" is an example.
We plainly hear someone in the audience tell Karagias he sucks and he's a homo. That's uncalled for!
Post-match, the green circles are back in the ring, and Evan says they're gonna finish the song and give them their money's worth - he asks them to hit the music again. All three men try to stand, hold their injured parts, and vainly attempt to bop around. Now *that's* FUNNY!
As for this match, well...welcome to Jobberville, Maestro. It was a short train ride, wasn't it? (KO :13)
Here's the HARRIS BROTHERS on either side of the man who, once again, has the entire company revolve around him - thus re-earning the nickname BIG POOCHIE. Strangely enough - hey, here's something we haven't seen for a while - Nash is carrying some sort of book.
Tenay giving us a slice of history with Steiner and Chono's past. Man, I've REALLY missed commentators talking about matches and stuff. Nothing really happening here, but Tenay's getting some history shared.
"Boring" chant is possibly justified, but unfortunate nonetheless.
Sid Vicious is on the cover of the new WCW Magazine - be sure and read "Sid's World"...to cure insomnia, perhaps. Oops, sorry.
That Benoit match might have been great, but watch it again and you'll see only ONE man does the moving for the last two thirds of the match. Just sayin'.
Wall's offensive moves this match: zero.
All right, fine. I'll transcribe it, but this is THE LAST TIME.
DDP - is - is - is - WALKING!
If you had "Buff Bagwell is WALKING," you won!
Kimberly is dressed like a slut! A ref slut! And she's WALKING!
Let Us Take You Back to Last Night's Bagwell/Page "battle" - Let me take Tenay out of context when he says "it wasn't a wrestling match" and then say that yeah, Buff won.
How's the curse go? "May you live in interesting times?" We're there, baby. We're there.
Hall reminds us why he was suspended by immediately crying out "Remember when it used to be fun around here?" even though it's meant as a joke.
It would be wrong of me to point out the "WCW SUCKS" sign in the crowd but I'm feeling frisky this week. "I HATE WRESTLING" sign - that guy's in the fright place. "I LOVE CAMEL TOES" What's a camel toe? "BRING BACK OWEN" - well, that's just tasteless. I'm not recognising ANY more of your signs tonight!
We take a quick look at the entryway - nope, nothing there - back to the commentators. Crowd tries a "weasel" chant, God bless 'em
THE WALL v. KID ROMEO (no entrance) - On the plus side, a Nitro debut for the deserving Power Plant standout with the Steve Blackman-esque glowstick routine - on the minus side, this is nothing more than the return of the jobber squash to Monday television. Tell you what, if Romeo ends up surprising us, shocking the world, winning this match, I'll go back and give you a complete play-by-play.
Commentators decry Nash "booking matches on the fly" - this is where you make your own joke.
Hall delivers his lines as if to say "hey! I'm reading these off a card, dammit! It's not real!"
Meanwhile, in the Fortress of Solitude, Nash asks which Harris will take on Sid tonight in the Roadblock match. Don volunteers. Don's the bald one. I stole that joke from Heenan. How sad am *I*?
REV. AL GREEN (Let's Stay Together) v. TANK AB[S]BOTT in a "Loser must put on a mask and appear weekly on WXO in a comedy role match" - whoops, the results of this match were already given away on another show! How embarrassing! (CO 1:12)
I've got to practice more restraint typing this stuff out...
How many of you hoped we'd not see Funk again after losing at Souled Out?
Notice Big Al has taken a hike - his segment's over, no need to watch the REST of this crap.
Heenan just expressing how much fun it is to watch Funk in the ring, but it'd be REAL easy to get a different impression - one which diminishes Funk a little more every week he comes out here.
There's an ad for Steve Borden's TNT World Premiere movie - if I DO watch it, it'll be for Daisy Fuentes - but I probably won't
God help us, DAVID ARQUETTE & COURTNEY COX-ARQUETTE are in the crowd. David's been in the coke, apparently - big nose wipe there. All the matches you could break from to show us those yutzes and you pick this one. Yep.
Commentators all but say it's Flair - guaranteeing it probably WON'T be Flair. Remember the last time they promised Ric Flair on a THUNDER? We didn't see him for four and a half months!
Listen, I LOVE you guys, but you get no Luger transcript from me.
Package tells us that no one can deter the path of the Total Package to claim his greatness - oh, and that includes the Immortal Hulk Hogan. The commentators suddenly leap all over Hogan's name and say it about a MILLION times - except Heenan.
Look, if *I* lived in West Covina, I sure wouldn't brag about it.
Gene O. apologises for the technical problems, and then says "if I didn't know better, I'd say the WWF might have sabotaged my microphone." What the HELL?
DAVID FLAIR & CROWBAR & DAFFNEY come out, scare away all the commentators, and take the headsets. Clearly I'm being punished for something.
Oh, WHATEVER. (3:58)
Backstage, Nash and Jarrett - are - WALKING! I think they're talking about David Arquette, too - a shudder just ran through me...
Sid with a right, then breaks the guitar over Nash's head. Sid goes down as Robinson gets up - Robinson looks at the shattered guitar in the ring and sees two men down, and doesn't know WHO did WHAT with WHAT to WHOM. SID IS THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE.
Sid points to his head. If Jim Gramze is reading, THAT'S the picture I want - Sid pointing to his head.
As the NEW WORLD ORDER (what's left of it) walks out, Madden ruins his first funny line of the night by saying Nash was injured "pushing a baby carriage out of a charging bus," neglecting the words "the path of" to make the line work. Figure it out, email me if you still can't make a line out of it.
Jarrett wishes the "chizzamp" good luck - ugh, he's SO white, though.
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, MIKE TENAY & MARK MADDEN - my God! Madden sure makes Tony look SVELTE.
Big T carries AN ENTIRE GALLON of milk? I hope it's lo-fat!
The "Shannon's a homo" chant has to be turned down. Hey WCW, when you get crowd heat, and you're barely getting crowd heat at this point, LET IT RIP, BABY.
Doubleteam ensues, Karagias tries a baseball slide dropkick and misses all three men - LeRoux with an UGLY pescado on all three - this is some mean white bread lucha action here.
This clip helps to advance the storyline that...well, the character of...er...I'll get back to you.
Dustin Rhodes tells us not to try this at home - whoa! Dustin Rhodes still has a job?
For an encore, Biggs says that Booker T. can't use the "T." anymore, either, as it's ALSO property of Harlem Heat - and we don't want no copyright infringement goin' down. Good God, they're stealing all my jokes!
Ray takes the mic and "puts it into Ebonics" for him - hey, HE said it, not me.
Smiley - RUNS! He comes across the casket of the Demon, and the wrestling gear - he steps inside, and - get this - the casket slowly closes....ooooooooh, SCEEERY!
"Also Sprach Zarathustra" - it can only be THE MAN, the picture of sartorial splendor in suit and tie.
Schiavone and Tenay try one more time to get over that Flair's appearance last Wednesday was a passing of the torch to Sid (ha) but let's just let him have his say first and THEN try to make those pieces fit together.
Gene O. stands with the TV-14-DLS ratings box, comments on what we just heard, then brings Sid Vicious out to alternately shout, then whisper.
Let Us Take You Back once again to THUNDER! where Fit Finlay failed to defeat Triple B because Knobs nicked his wrench - as if Finlay ever needed a wrench BEFORE.
Boy that Demon's got one wimpy-ass voice, don't he?
Page attacks him again and off we go - out on the other side of the curtain, all up into DJ Ran's area (how ironic!)
Hey! "National Lampoon's Senior Trip!" I was in the same high school class as *Jeremy Renner*! He's made us all SO PROUD!
ZIMMERMAN'S REFLEXIVE PROPERTY OF WCW: WCW doesn't suck because CRZ says it sucks; WCW sucks because WCW sucks.
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE & THE MARK - clearly a commentary fan's DREAM TEAM.
The main event at SuperBrawl is Sid Vicious vs. Jeff Jarrett (the Chosen One). Where I come from, we call that MINTING MONEY
Booker and Midnight - are - WALKING! "They took my clothes - they took my music - but they NEVER gonna take my dignity, u understand?" Well, they already GOT the "T"...
Tony says we've never seen somebody led out in cuffs before - and then, I think under his breath he says "except every time the Giant did an illegal powerbomb."
OKLAHOMA (the person, not the state) walks to the ring, clipboard in hand. I will cynically point out that somehow he's once again gotten the traditionally-highest rated segment to litter up.
"As Aretha Franklin once said, 'you make me feel like a natural woman.' Well, there ain't NOTHIN' natural about this woman, Madusa!" So Oklahoma feels like a...he...Jee-zus
Let Us Take You Back to 1989 and one of the greatest matches ever - Funk vs. Flair - "I Quit" Not to raise your hopes for THIS version...
Gene O. asks the Cat just where the heck he's been the past three months - he says he's been hangin' out with James Brown - in fact, James Brown will appear with him on THUNDER! Hey, you know what would be funny? JB will probably get BETTER numbers than Hulk Hogan!
Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! and the Hogan, Package, and Liz segment - oh and the fake Sting. I know what you're thinking - a FAKE STING? Who would ever have THOUGHT?
How come Nash can't say "ass" but Jarrett can say "slapass?"
Karagias is on top - plancha! WHEN WHITE GUYS THINK LUCHA!
MISS HANDCOCK is out and her legs are greased up nicely.
Speaking of which, Handcock, who has let her hair down, gets up on the table and starts making her skirt ride up in time with some Nitro Grrl music so we can see her cheeks. Umm, I stopped watching the match. That's okay, 'cause everybody's stopped wrestling to watch her.
Earlier Today, MIKE TENAY interviewed Tank Abbott. As they talk about the UFC, clips are shown ... from WCW. Well, it's practically the same thing, right?
He wants a "skins match" with Abbott, so Abbott asked WCW for one for SuperBrawl. The object of a skins match is to grab a leather jacket off of a pole. The object of a skins match is to grab a leather jacket off of a pole. The only thing he's interested in right now is settling this with Big Al. The object of a skins match is to grab a leather jacket off of a pole.
Strangely enough, Psychosis' music sneaks inbetween Vampiro and Parka's for a brief instant. Oh, Vampiro doesn't have the Misfits theme anymore - in fact, didn't Kidman have this music many months ago? What's that? "Who cares besides you?" Touche.
Schiavone calls him "The Artlist" and I almost thought I heard "the Arli$$" and REALLY started worrying.
La Parka taken off the ropes, kick, the Artist with a WACK DDT (Kidman's head ends up in the Artist's crotch) - 1, 2, 3. (3:29)
Meanwhile, the Marmalutes want to grab a cheese sandwich, but Disco Inferno takes them into a tent - where it's a big family wedding reception! This segment can best be described as "an Olive Garden ad gone horribly wrong."
RHONDA "MONSTER RIPPER" SING v. MOANER - WOW! Sing's got HEADLIGHTS! HEY! Mona still has a job! OH BOY! OKLAHOMA is out! I suddenly lost ALL my interest in this segment!
Meanwhile, Nash has his pulse checked. He needs some medicine. So a nurse sprays Redi-Whip into his mouth. Nash is just so clever.
GOOD LORD TONY NORRIS IS FAT. I mean, that GUT - it's TREMENDOUS HUMONGOUS!
WCW Superstar Series video ad - Sid Vicious and Sting - and the Nitro Girls' Swimsuit Special - how many of them have been fired since they taped it? Two, three?
Vito gets off the stretcher, then tells Disco and Johnny to get off their stretchers. "You get Mean Gene! We'll take care of this, Italian style!" Geez, give me MORE segments with these guys. PLEASE. IT'S SO FUCKING ENTERTAINING.
Gene O. stands with a room full of I-talians. Vito says it's now an Italian Stretcher match. HOLY SHIT! NOT *THE* ITALIAN STRETCHER MATCH?!?
If you want to buy "Positively Page: The Diamond Dallas Page Journey," repeatedly hit your head with a hammer!
"That's really the first time we've seen the Demon really taken apart." Yeah, except for last THUNDER! - a match we saw in its ENTIRETY in a highlight clip earlier tonight.
Hogan starting his "mime with jackhammer" as Flair chops three times.
Geez, how long IS this show?
Oh, wigga, please, it's THE MAESTRO.
Was THIS a "final quarter hour" angle? OH HELL YEAH!
Sign in crowd: "WHERE'S SILVER KING?" Where indeed...
WCW comped me to SuperBrawl. I'll let you know Monday whether I decided to go see this show for free - or stay home. Right now...it's a toss-up. Seriously.
I've been thinking about this - you know why Lodi was over in the first place? "He was a fag?" No, come on, play ball with me here. "No way, man, I'm not catching for YOU." Oh, get off it. "You'd LIKE me to get off it--" SHUT UP! Putting aside all that queer stuff, the thing that established Idol was THE SIGNS. Why can't Idol carry signs? There are PLENTY of non-gay things he can write down, right?
We saw Vampiro looking around for signs, and looking sad that he only found one.
Meanwhile, Madusa catches up to La Parka, who's reading a paper. she whispers in his ear. "Si." Again, "Si senorita." she kisses him on the cheek and takes off - he shrugs his shoulders. The AMAZING thing about this is, not only does Parka not understand English, but it's an AMERICAN newspaper!
Surge action can ad. Hey, did they blot out all the "T's" on those Booker cans?
Hey, if you don't WANT him to duck, you don't put the clothesline THREE FEET OVER his head! Arrrrrgh.
The HARRIS BROS are out. H bomb! H bomb! Again I thought I heard something about a "20 foot radius" and AGAIN I hear some FAT FLAPPING LIPS which seem to directly contradict that assertion. I guess I don't get it.
Backstage, Sid laughs at the monitor and says "I got plenty to say!" Then he says.....NOTHING.
Wanna buy a copy of "Positively Page?" We swear it's AT LEAST as good as Mick Foley's book!
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE IAUKEA (with Paisley) v. LA....PARKA for the World Cruiserweight Championship - oh boy! OKLAHOMA is out to insult women! I think I can actually HEAR the ratings go up!
Setting aside the fact that La Parka isn't a cruiserweight and shouldn't be getting the shot in the first place, let's move on to the more obvious: Parka seems to have dropped about a hundred pounds and grown tits. Fortunately, the commentators somehow manage to spell it out for the fans that, for instance, find "Wheel of Fortune" taxing on the ol' noggin.
And now the *real* LA PARKA is out, chair in hand, and here's a WHACK for Oklahoma. And here's a WHACK for Parka by the Artist. Here's the "manoeuvre." And here's the pinfall. Thank GOD that ended before an actual MATCH broke out. (1:20)
Stills from last night's stunning appearance of James Brown. Funk on a roll! So...did James Brown turn heel...or is the Cat becoming a face? And if he DOES become face...does that mean he'll stop calling us rednecks?
Symphony IS back out, and Bagwell goes outside to put a move on her - Maestro rolls out and charges - Bagwell steps aside and Maestro CLOBBERS her! She would have fallen out, only there was nothing to fall out, we all note.
Symphony motions to Cat to PLEASE stop the music. Also she keeps pulling up her dress, 'cause nothing's holding it up. (Craig: "Buy some straps - or some breasts!")
Jimmy Barron files his Cheap Bastard Road Report. The problem is he talks about the "relatively nice San Francisco weather," when 1) we're in Sacramento and 2) it was POURING DOWN RAIN yesterday in San Francisco. See, this is how it is when you PRETEND to be in California, when you're really phoning in the report from ATLANTA. Hey, maybe Barron's at RAW!
It's time for one of my favourite games, debuting this week and sure to become a major fixture. YOU ARE THE WCW BOOKER: Bigelow is reasonably over with the crowd. The Wall is not. How would you book this match? If you said "give a decisive victory to the Wall, continuing his inexplicable push and burying Bigelow at a time when we SHOULD be rehabilitating him following the loss of his title belt," you COULD be the WCW booker! Wall kicked out of the top-rope headbutt, kicked out of a backdrop suplex, kicked out of an AMAZING standing enzuigiri from Bigelow, hit a top rope chokeslam, and got the pin. (4:10) "The Wall is awesome!" Yeah, he's a regular Bill Goldberg.
I don't know. I mean, there clearly ARE people who are interested in seeing Hogan and his ilk - it's just a question of does WCW think there are actually enough of them to justify the salaries they're shelling out? I think they've lost way too many of the non-rubes, though. (Right now, all the rubes are ready to write me angrily denying their rubeness - please, spare us both embarrassing yourself!)
Backstage, GTV...err, the Kid Cam catches up with Buff Bagwell hitting on Elizabeth...he gets turned down. Somehow, our cameraman is COMPLETELY missed by Bagwell despite the fact that he almost STARES RIGHT INTO IT at points
Pre-taped comments from Hulk Hogan (possibly from last Monday, even) - listen to the crowd boo (and quickly get turned down)! He wants Flair in a "Yapapa" Indian strap match. Yapapa?
Flair says he'll smack him upside the head just like he did to his old man twenty years ago - Hennig says if he can't win tonight, he'd get "buckassnaked" and streak down some local street next Monday. Hey! For the first time tonight, a match I'm looking forward to on this show! PLEASE don't screw it up. C'mon WCW! I'm PULLING for ya here!
WOW! HE SAID "SLAPNUTS" AGAIN!!!! WAHOOOOOOOOO
The HARRIS BROS are out - aww, fuck me for even THINKING we'd get something worth watching in this unopposed hour. And FUCK WCW. (No contest 1:28)
A hard head... makes a soft ass? What the hell does that mean?
Let me see if I've correctly grasped what's happened so far. We are forty minutes into the show - we've had one match where we spent the whole time checking out Skye's ass, and one match between two people WORTH WATCHING where we couldn't give them TWO MINUTES before we ruined it with a non-ending. Does that about cover it? Now, with these precedents...why on EARTH would they think we should expect any better, or different, just because it's the final match of the night? Who's going to have stuck AROUND for that?
I almost thought I heard somebody say they were turned on by the centerfold of Brian Knobs in the WCW Magazine...oof.
Helms finally back over with a kendo stick off the apron, Moore with a garbage can off the apron, all three guys dogpile Knobs...and get the pin! Ladies and gentlemen...we have a new...er...we have new...well, Knobs isn't the Hardcore champion anymore. (3:02) Doesn't it seem strange that we now long for the days of credibility - when NORMAN SMILEY wore this Hardcore belt?
PSA - Brian Knobs: "When I wrestle, I use my head!" BWAAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahahahaha - on the other hand, this is the first time I haven't heard him YELL
SCREAMIN' RANDY MOSS v. DUSTIN RHODES - Wasn't this his big chance to wear a Warren Moon jersey, though? Eh? He's not on the Vikings anymore? Oh...well, I'm a Packers fan, I'm allowed to be ignorant.
Time to change channels - I'll see you later!
Earlier Today, Nick Patrick picked Tank Abbott. WCW needs to make me a promise. If they hype this with EVERY bumper - be it interview or graphic - if they do this ALL night AAAAAND they still can't break a 3 or whatever it is they've been getting, they have to ADMIT that Sid's not a draw and STOP trying to ram him down our throats. Can they make me that promise? 'course not! Unfortunately, the ratings would have to go even LOWER...and even THEN they might not get it. Of course, if they pop a highest ever quarter hour I'll have to eat all these words. I'm REALLY WORRIED about THAT.
"Positively Page" ad. They never did these for ARN'S book.
From the Road to the Spring Breakout, Disco Inferno asks Riki Rachtman why 3 Count comes along on these trips - Rachtman says it's 'cause they bring out "all the chicks." Ummm, didn't I see their "autograph session" where NOBODY showed up? Is a little CONTINUITY too much to ask?
CROWBAR joins the commentary team and announces circles around the team at ringside. I'll reserve comment on how pathetic that is (not for Crowbar, of course).
Meng (!) predicts that ...well, he doesn't make a prediction. He just wants to see the match. MENG'S A FENCESITTER!! I'm a little surprised he didn't root for the UFC guy...eh, whatever.
Sid's been whacked with the gee-tar, but damn, do you REALLY think a blow to the head is going to change the way Sid walks, talks or fights?
Anyway, Sid pops up (hah?) and catches Abbott in a sleeper. In a SLEEPER. And now in the Crippler crossface...Vicious slips, then puts the crossface on again. Abbott ... taps. (3:57) Here's a replay - yep. I guess Abbott should have GONE FOR HIS KNIFE!!
See you...in 48 hours, for THUNDER!? Oy. Why'd I ever say "yes?"
WORLD CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: THE ACRONYM (with Paisley) v. CHAVO GUERRERO, JNR - No, Heenan said "any Guerrero," so don't write me saying he said "Eddie." Chavo is a little lighter than the last time we saw him, having shed his asinine Amway gimmick.
Artist starts with a pummelin' and a chokin' - the moves that are the HALLMARK of the Cruiserweight division!
This portion of Thunder is brought to you by Milky Way! If it's a fourth show you're recapping, take your shtick and MILK IT!
Okerlund offers a warm handshake and Chavo makes off with his watch - ha! See, now THAT'S funny!
DUSTIN RHODES walks to the ring as the commentators go to great lengths to tell us that Chavo just lifted Okerlund's watch - sigh.
"Throw all you want - you wanna come in the ring and try me, come on and get some!" Oh good, ENCOURAGE the throwing of trash.
"This feud will NEVER end, Mike!" Make your own joke.
As we cut to 3 COUNT in the ring, we hear an off-camera voice say the strange word "Clear," and then laughter from the boys who don't mind unwittingly exposing the business. You know, this company spends countless, painstaking minutes blotting out offensive signs with such unfit words as "gay" and "sucks," and video distorting flipped birds, but has NO problem letting us here the "clear" cue with EVERY vignette. That's a free tip, WCW. USE IT.
Case in point - a sign right behind the ring saying "ROGER SUCKS" gets video-distorted - first of all, why bother to video-distort when all you do is CALL ATTENTION to it, THEN don't bother to do a good enough job that anybody can figure out what the hell they were trying to block out anyway? ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.
I don't know about you, but I just CAN'T wait until that TREMENDOUS Dog vs. Cat feud!! Wow, I mean THINK about it - 48 hours of suspense...for *Al F'ing Green*.
Gene O. stands in the back with LA PARKA, dressed in blue and white. Dub away! "Yoyoyo, let me speak on this - the Chairman's in the hizzouse - once again the skull captain is large and in charge and ready to light someone up. Just call me butter, baby, 'cause I'm on a roll! You wanna talk about the man? Well you're LOOKIN' at the man! But just look, don't touch! And any fool that wants to get in my way gets two steel creases 'cross the top - you know the deal, one chairshot for me and one for my homiez. Now step off, Gene-o, 'cause the Chairman's about to call a meeting to order!" I blame WrestleLine readers for this segment. Gene furrows his brow...then remembers he has another assignment involving breasts...
THE DEMON v. LA PARKA - what's that coming out of his mouth, Mae Young's afterbirth?
Tenay says in his three years in WCW, La Parka has never seemed to have gotten his just due - then goes on to suggest that perhaps the brain trust just never knew what to do with him. Oh oh, Tenay trying to become his own man! Stop him!
Gene says the swimsuit competition is next, then twirls his mustache. Does that make him a melodramatic heel?
The TV-PG-DLV ratings box reappears as we see the KidCam catch up to Miss Handcock and Buff Bagwell - could tonight be the night Bagwell gets lucky? Buff tells her to hold that thought, he's got a big match tonight! Hey idiot, FORFEIT THE MATCH AND GET YOU SOME!
Now maybe I'm just a guy writing for a website, but it SEEMS TO ME that a sign reading "THE PACKAGE SUCKS" just MIGHT serve to help to get him over as a heel, in a small way, to be sure, but hell, the guy probably spent a good five minutes making the thing, so why not just put it on camera already? Why bother with the video distortion? Why bother with splinters when you've still got the plank? When I get Biblical, it's time to stop talking about it.
"Luger sucks" chant is muted because it's more important that you not hear the word "sucks" than perceive genuine crowd heat. Jesus Christ, what is Luger's motivation to get over if THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BROADCAST THE RESULTS?
Commentators try once again to sell a "boy, how impressive was Vampiro in the loss" groove, but the man LOST. AGAIN. Come on. Flair whips Vampiro with the Hulkster belt. Ring that bell! Package motions for the chair - it's time to Pillmanize the arm - crack. And then Elizabeth kicked Vampiro's ass! And then Silverman kicked his ass! And then the mayor of Fargo kicked his ass! But Vampiro LOOKED REALLY IMPRESSIVE!
Castrol GTX provides a replay of Vampiro jobbing - 'cause we don't see Vampiro job EVERY week - oh, wait, we DO!
Backstage, Vampiro tells the EMT's to get the hell away from him - I guess he's worried he's gonna job to them or something. Suddenly, Fit Finlay punks him out - and I didn't even make this one up! Fit Finlay is kicking his ass up and down and all around!
Now, what did this segment accomplish? Well, it took a couple minutes out of the second hour...
Time to say something controversial - I know you've been waiting, so here I go: "You know what the difference is between Daffney and Woman? WOMAN HAS A SMALLER ASS." Now Woman, THERE was a screamer..
"Beyond the Mat" ad - hey WWF, you don't ALWAYS have to be a control freak. It's a LITTLE disconcerting that the last shot we see in this ad is Darren Drozdov walking out for a match, though...
Cutting back to "live" footage, we see Crowbar being wheeled out on a gurney. Here's a replay of the chokeslam. Here's another one. Wow, the prodcution guys must have put away the drugs, 'cause here's a THIRD - a FOURTH angle of this chokeslam. See what they have the *potential* to deliver to us every week, on every show? Do you NOW understand why I get so FRUSTRATED when they don't live up to this potential?
Not that you asked, but I'd rather see Flair without a shirt than Hogan without a shirt.
...off the ropes, leapfrog, drop toehold by Bagwell, going to put on the figure four - aww, man, Flair has to HELP HIM put it on?? Come ON, Bagwell.
Bagwell on the second rope with the Ten Punch Count Along - make that a Nineteen Punch Count Along. 90% more ego!
Tenay intimates that referee "Blind" Charles Robinson is looking the other way because it's Flair - that kind of continuity will make my HEAD explode, Mike. I sure miss Heenan on Nitro, by the way.
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Powerslam Wrestlers, Mega-16 appetite control pills, Sauder office furniture, Hot Pockets from Hot Pockets, Ice Sport from Aqua Velva (again), and Frank's Red Hot sauce. In that Mega-16 spot, the chick with the big hips - is she, like, dunking that drumstick into that jar of mayo? What's the deal with those props? Doesn't that disturb anybody else? (No, you're probably more disturbed by the guy playing the guitar in the Frank's Red Hot ad leering at the underage chick ruffling her skirt next to him, aren't you - hell, YOU probably go make a snack or go to the bathroom during these ads! Well, not me! THERE MUST BE A PERMANENT RECORD!!!!!!)
Backstage, a voice yells out "mark" as we take a look at the losing woman, who is crying. Buff Bagwell happens upon her and asks what's up? She says that "the NWA - O - turned me down." Retakes are EXPENSIVE! Bagwell asks her to come with him, HE'LL cheer her up. How...does he have a straight friend?
After two false starts of Jarrett's music and (of course) the offstage voice intoning the magic word "clear!" it's time for the main event...
Jarrett sends the girls away, just in case they have designs on of triggering some RATINGS.
Point one five?
I don't even think we can refer to WCW as one of "the Big Two" if they can't do a better buyrate than ECW...can we?
"Finally, de joos has is in the house baida popoolur demand! And tonight, de joosy one, de grate one, and sicolooz and these cowgry gone live la vida loca, baby!" Search me, I don't have any idea what he was saying either.
Kaz attacks both of them from behind and it's on. He's just Kaz now, by the way. When a character fails, just chop off one of his names and call it a repackaging. Kaz has been paired with (Yun) Yang and Jamie-san (Howard) from the Power Plant and given the team name "Jung Dragons" - hopefully they'll team together two more Power Plant graduates and call them the "Freud Green Tomatoes" - hey, sounds like money to me!
Well now, THE ACRONYM & PAISLEY are out - and you wonder why I don't get up for play-by-play? "Prince is the guy who restored the credibility to the Cruiserweight division..." I can't make up jokes like this.
In the course of five seconds, the camera manages to miss BOTH the Artist waffling Psychosis with the belt AND Paisley giving a slap to Guerrera. But hey, it's only plot points - we don't REALLY need them, do we? Good direction costs MONEY, people!
Ever wonder why WrestleLine can't find another person to do Nitro recaps? Watch this first eleven minutes - only from a prolonged exposure to this show can I even keep MY head from exploding.
Jesus Christ, I'll spring for a FREAKIN' TAPE MEASURE - I *guarantee* every H-Bomb that takes place in that ring is LESS than twenty feet away from the fat end of the commentary table. Stop trying to explain the line. You're WRONG. You only expose your own ignorance EVERY time you try to explain it. That's a freebie - my way of saying "I'm really touched that you're more worried about what I'm saying in the Nitro report than helping to make your product better."
For an encore, Silverman watches the replay up on the Nitrotron and reverses his decision - never mind he should have DQ'd the Mamalukes for outside interference BEFORE the big switcheroo, but hey, they have WRITERS! They CERTAINLY wouldn't create with plot holes you can drive a truck through!
DAVID FLAIR (with Daffney Unger) v. THE WALL - It's David's 21st, we are told - Daffney's shirt says "David's Legal." Happy Birthday, David! You get to job to the Wall!
Both men have been outside the ring for over ninety seconds now, yet amazingly referee "Blind" Mickie Jay has yet to get anywhere NEAR ten on his count.
WCW and Surge are the perfect match! See, the caffeine in Surge counteracts the sedative of...
If you missed it on Thunder, "the Dog" is Al Green pretending to be a dog. With every performance, Dog says to himself "I could have been a main eventer if the WXO hadn't run out of money! Damn them!"
Green is wearing red contact lenses, because...well, because he's THE DOG! Finish can't come soon enough - it's a powerslam from the second turnbuckle. 1, 2, 3. (3:54) Actually, I'm going to start calling Green "the gimp" because they keep putting a mask on him and it matches his collar. This probably gets you pretty hot if you're into bondage...I guess.
Brian Knobs says "yo - I use my head - don't try this at home" and I laugh
You know what? "Slapnuts" is over with exactly three people - unfortunately, they all host "WCW Live."
Also, Ric Flair is WALKING! Gotta love Flair, he's the only guy to actually acknowledge the camera in front of him EVERY TIME
Tank Abbott yells at a random security guy - and now he's WALKING! He walks by some random guys, calls 'em "yahoos" and tells 'em to shut up. Watch out guys, he might GO FOR HIS KNIFE!
TANK ABBOTT stands in the ring. He wants Sid to buy a lottery ticket, 'cause he's the luckiest man alive. "He couldn't hold a candle to my jock strap!" 'cause if he did, man, BOOM. You know? Explosions and stuff.
Abbott says run the show, but he ain't leavin' the ring...hey, if this were REALLY a REAL shoot, don'tcha think they'd CUT HIS MIC?
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Grrls again! Everybody's asses be hangin' out, yo! Hulk Hogan provides pre-recorded comments - the cast is off, but the releases have been signed. Yapapi! Yapapi! Yapapi! "Strap-ation, dudes!" Jimmy Hart! Jimmy Hart! Oh my God, I wish I had the desire to transcribe this for you. "The Strapmaster Jimmy Hart!" "Yapapi strappage number two!" BWAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahaha - OH NO! He will transform from Hulk to Hollywood!
All the brothers strike a pose as Tony asks us to "look at the manhood in the ring, if you will" - umm, WHOSE manhood? And isn't it comments like THAT that landed them in that lawsuit?
At this point, the "asshole" chant is muted because it's better to have DEAD SILENCE that give the impression that somebody just MIGHT be getting some heat from this crowd. My virgin ears! Why, that crowd ought to be THROWN OUT OF THE BUILDING!
Rhodes runs off - sign says "I'M MISSING RAW" - I feel for you. The chicken has a rubber chicken head at the top. Bizarre!
Hearing Flair/Vampiro from Thunder being compared to Flair/Sting from Clash 1 is a FUCKING JOKE...especially when it's followed up with "Vampiro is WAY better than Sting." What the hell has Vampiro ever done? You KNOW he's gonna JOB in this match.
WCW logo - it's all downhill from here
Mysterio makes a politically incorrect gesture towards Paisley on his way to the third headset, but you can do that when you have job security, I guess.
Mysterio offers his hand to Heenan one more time - and Heenan fakes him out. Even Mysterio is impressed with my main man, the Brain, and his amazing moves of heeldom.
THE DEMON v. IDOL (with Lane) - Demon has a bit of trouble emerging from his casket - after-effects, perhaps, of the spot welding done by Those Two Dudes? Tonight - WHEN "INSPIRED BY METAL" NAMES COLLIDE!
Of course, Demon wins - he's the GOD OF THUNDER!!
The music fires up and the BADLANDERS limp out - surprisingly, NOT carrying a flag and fife despite the characteristic cartoonish stagger.
These "Truth" ads are kinda fun, actually - if you're my age, it's kinda nostalgic - remember when we would try to figure out if an ad is fake or not? Like that Energizer bunny would show up sooner or later...only HERE it's people exploding instead. Pretty cool. And those ads are designed by young adults just like you'n'me! Well....you, actually. I think I'm too old to qualify. Sigh.
Hulk Hogan provides pre-recorded comments - it's really VERY embarrassing for him as he screams "whatcha gonna do" over and over while strapping the floor. Do you suppose Hogan ever WATCHES himself? Of course, he shows no effects of the broken, yet castless, arm while using the strap. Sigh.
Backstage, Vampiro prowls, then flings an empty Gatorade cooler, swipes at some cups, and THEN - oh man, are you ready for this? He says......NOTHING! THIS MAN IS A SUPERSTAR!
WOW!
LASH LeROUX v. DUSTIN RHODES - Tenay says it isn't on his format, but I bet that deep down, it is, really.
Post-match, TERRY FUNK comes out, swinging - a frozen chicken. We need Jim Ross here - "Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!" Funk wraps his fist in the chicken and hits a salmonella left (feel free to steal that one, Mr. Icon).
RHODES ELBOWDROPS THE CHICKEN!
Oh, and BY THE WAY...did that brawl with the chicken make you more likely to want to *pay money* to see Funk and Rhodes at UNcensored? Hey, Greg, you think we should stop joking about it - because THIS could be the escalation to a "turkey on a pole" match that we've been worried about? Hah? THINK ABOUT IT.
Who wants to stare at Elizabeth's headlights in that - mmm - yellow top - yeah, go ahead and show me Hogan's arm getting broken again instead of that.
Two things here. One, muting Flair saying "you gotta suck up" is yet ANOTHER example of a lame policy being taken to the point of absurdity. It's at the level of having to say "international object" because Turner banned the word "foreign." The other thing is the fact that they fixate on the word "suck" to begin with. If Luger gets the crowd to chant "Luger sucks," then *he's doing the right thing.* Don't *discourage* it already. I know I said this last week - I'm gonna KEEP saying it until somebody gets it through their THICK HEADS. **PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING ON TELEVISION IS NOT THE PLACE TO WORRY ABOUT STRICT MORALITY AND SOMETHING AS PIDDLY NICKLE AND DIME AS THE USE OF THE WORD "SUCK."** Draw all the lines you want, but you would think that somebody could have learned by now that there is a point that's too far, that annoys the audience and causes them to go elsewhere for their entertainment. You know? YOU KNOW? Am I talking to myself here? (I could very well be - ha!) Okay, back to the show
Let Us Take You Back To Last Week, where Kidman hit his tag team partner Booker with a dropkick. WAS it an accident? (Well, yes, but don't let that mar the progression of the storyline...)
Backstage, I SEE HEADLIGHTS! Booker tells Torrie that Kidman needs to stay focused, now can u dig that - Kidman comes into the picture and accuses Booker of trying to get Torrie to "pick sides." Well, hell, Billy BETTER be worried. Once she goes black...you KNOW she'll NEVER go back!
Blaise Alexander did some shtick with Jeff Jarrett (WOW! HE SAID "SLAPNUTS!") and then raced to an EXCITING! top twenty finish (that's code for "they finished twentieth")
Gene O. stands with the Mamalukes - err, Paisans. They talk loud and say nothing. I haven't heard anybody say "clear" tonight, at least, so kudos to the crew on that
Courtesy "The Late Late Show," Page reveals that the reason we haven't seen him for about a month is that he has a couple ruptured disks (sure, sure). Is it a telling quote when he says "I don't know if I WANT to come back?" Well, now, my speculation would be something like...the ONLY reason they'd play THAT cut as a clip - well, actually, there are two. 1) This is part of the "twists and turns" that were promised for the Page/Bagwell angle, or 2) this is WCW and they just don't KNOW that playing that soundbite would be a NEGATIVE for the company - I guess it's probably 50/50...sad, isn't it?
The HARRIS BROS are out now, whoopee! Screw this main event!
Hey, how about one more "Nowhere to Land" promo? The sad thing is, *somebody thinks there's a rub to be given here.* God bless W T B S!
The WCW logo - it sees dead people
Tonight, by God, WCW is going to KEEP the viewers by immediately bring out THE MAN to show us that, yes indeed, the suit label DOES read "Armani."
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and ROB VAN DAM. Crowd chants "Weasel" because they miss Bobby Heenan. Tonight, a big six man!
Meanwhile, Arn is WALKING! out of the building. He happens to happen upon Curt Hennig (in WBF tank top?!?) on his way out - this business no longer resembles anything he wants to be in. He's going home to see his kids...say, how many miles IS it from Providence to North Carolina?
El Dandy and Silver King go through their fanmail - Miss Handcock approaches - Silver King tells her that in Mexico, they are big stars. Dandy calls her "Mommy" and asks "Do we not excite your groin?" Handcock, disgusted, walks off. "She'll be back." Hey, who are WE to doubt El Dandy?
THE WALL v. TRIPPA B - Let Us Take You Back to Several Clips to Show You How This Man Is Being Pushed Down Our Throats - err, sorry, didn't mean it like that.
Even with the ramp covered, at least one of the women slips - God bless 'em!
Bigelow says it's all his fault, then talks directly to the camera, challenging a match to Wall. Highlight of the interview is Bigelow losing track. "We'll - we'll - whatever!" Then he calls Wall "World."
Brian Knobs asks us to never wrestle - just in case we end up better than him
MISS HANDCOCK is out, so why bother talking about the match? Handcock says she's out scouting talent - and El Dandy & Silver King aren't it. We learn that she's actually got her eye on ...Billy Kidman. As if on cue, Torrie walks over to get really close to Handcock in order to use her headset, but it more resembles one o' them lesbian fantasies.
NEXT: Vampiro has some words for Jeff Jarrett. You know, I don't think that's really next...I think the BEST thing about this interview is that you can't HELP but hear Hulk Hogan's music playing over it THE WHOLE TIME! Damn, have they got it OUT for this kid or WHAT?
Meanwhile, Brian Knobs looks for Dog - then finds him in a wrecked dressing room - drinking from a toilet in the adjoining bathroom.
Drinking from a toilet.
Schiavone - LAUGHS. WHY does Schiavone laugh during the most "brutal" matches? It demeans their performance, fer cryin' out loud!
Funk's found his chicken, good God almighty. Salmonella left for Helms! Salmonella left for Karagias!
Here's some comments from Fit Finlay - he's gonna give Vampiro a swirly! "Prepare yourself to get flushed!" Wow, I'd sure pay to see THAT!
Q: How come Jarrett can say "slapnuts" until the cows come home but Stevie Ray isn't allowed to say "fruit booty?" A: Racism.
Hogan says "who would ever thought" a few times too many. It's gonna be UNcensored tonight - there will be some serious strap-ation! Hogan's a lexicographical MONSTAH, y'all.
Tony: "You know, they say the force of leather when it becomes wet with sweat - on the bodies of the athletes, they say, it's like a knife slashing across the skin - and you know that leather belt, in the Strap Match, is gonna be just like that on Sunday night." Does that get YOU hot? Ewwwww...don't answer that!
Because, my friends, only *I* am lame enough to detail a 45 second clip montage and you wouldn't *believe* how much some people hate me for it (as opposed to just skipping ahead). Still, who DON'T you see in that clip? (Hogan) Who do you BARELY see in that clip? (Hall, Hart, Flair) Who do you only see in the jobbin' position? (Vampiro) Does this give us insight into the future booking plans of WCW? (Discuss)
SILVER KING SMOOTHING OUT HIS EYEBROWS!!!!!!! He's the MACK.
Holy shit, WCW allowing some hot lucha action on our of their shows again - how long's it been? Matches ending in Sid Vicious powerbombing everybody don't count, by the way. Give the chef my regards.
The Badlanders are WALKING!! Daffney's wearing a "WALL SUX" top which isn't video-distorted. You know, I'm starting to think I've FINALLY gotten through to somebody here.
Backstage, Miss Handcock tells Los Fabulosos that they need a little guidance...and some new clothes. Silver King is THE MACK: "Would you like to help us out of these clothes?" GOD DAMN, SILVER KING IS MY HERO!!
For some reason, Kaz gets his last name back - just for tonight, or for good? Who can say in the wild world of WCW?
Hey, "Deliverance" is airing on WTBS Saturday at 23:05 (20:05 over here) - that's like required viewing for all pro wrestling fans, isn't it?
Wall threatening to chokeslam Flair from the balcony to the lower level - yeah, right, what do you think this is, ECW? TRIPPA B appears "just in the nick of time" to put a stop to that - and now THEY'RE brawling. Actually, I gotta give some snaps to Tenay and Heenan - they almost had me thinking they'd roll with it.
Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett and six breasts are WALKING!
Yow! The casket! It's too heavy...but if it could, it'd be WALKING!
Package gets a big long entrance and posedown - whatever happened to the part of his music that sounded like a total ripoff of "Chariots of Fire?" Maybe it sounded a bit TOO MUCH like it? Strange for Team Package to have separate entrances for Package and Flair - especially with Ric Flair getting his own chyron while Package came out to "Team Package" chyron. By the way, only *I* care about this - I know it, you don't have to tell me, BUT after I retire and I'm rereading all these reports, you know I'll be glad I noted it now so I can remind myself of it later.
QUICK QUOTES: AOL 66 7/8 (+ 5 9/16), TWX 93 13/16 (+ 7 5/16), SPLN 35 (- 22 3/8) - holy SHIT, Sportsline.com is down FORTY PERCENT?!? Those voodoo dolls Mike sent me DO work!
Jarrett says he wants another shot, but he knows Sid won't give him one - this not FIVE SECONDS after Sid asks him to "come get some," which apparently has some meaning of which I'm not aware.
Gene O. talks to CHAVO GUERRERO JNR, who wanted to know how they could have a cruiserweight tournament without him. In case you missed his interview on Thunder a few weeks back, he's out for the belt because he needs the money that goes with it. THEN he picks Gene's pocket. Yeah!
Candido takes the mic and says he's got no gimmick, no catchphrases, and no trashy valet. Well, DAMN, does this mean no Tammy for us?
Backstage, XS talk about rizzats - then Miss Hancock appears and says that Wednesday, she's bringing Los Fabulosos to Thunder, and they'll see what she's been talking about! That's it, Nitro just became the #2 show. SEE YA!
La Parka even makes WALKING! look good!
The Nitro Spring Break Out 2000 is brought to you by Tough Actin' Tinactin and by TracFone! Doesn't that logo look like they made a mistake and had to cross something out?
Vampiro talks a bit, then removes his cast. When he says "This might definitely might not be the smartest thing I've ever done," which particular decision do you think he's talking about?
Now listen here: if *I* can tell them apart, and I'm watching them all the way out here on TV, can't Tony (sitting about twelve feet away) be bothered to tell them apart as well? Hell, freakin' TENAY can figure it out.
THE NARCISSIST (with Liz & TV-14-DLS ratings box) v. RAW JUST STARTED
Last night, Sid Vicious held a post-match press conference in jeans only - ooh la la! Hulk Hogan interrupted to give his personal seal of approval to Vicious...then lingered as the press continued to ask him questions, ignoring Sid. Do you see where this is going? If not, the commentators are there to BEAT IT INTO YOU
"Positively Page" ad - hey, if he's such a role model, how come he don't appear on TV no more?
DUSTIN RHODES (with still shots) v. CURT HENNIG - Last night, a guy in a chicken suit figured into the bullrope match. I think that says it all.
PERFECT GUM SWAT!!! I hope the actual MATCH gets me that excited.
Abbott coldcocked Doug Dillenger last night - I hear that Dillenger = buyrate.
THE MAN (with still shots) v. (THIS IS) STING (with still shots) - one more time - Last night, Hogan managed to win the Yapapi strap match without pinning Vader - I KNOW that's the third or fourth time you've heard that joke, but it's STILL funny!
Tony: "I'm not so sure what the official call is, and I'm not so sure it matters..." well WHY THE HELL HAVE THE DAMN MATCH IF IT DOESN'T *MATTER*?!?
It seems to me that if you're going to rely on guys like Hogan and Flair to rebuild your company, it might be a good idea to hire a colour guy who isn't intent on completely burying them every chance he gets. But hey, that's just me. The ratings WERE better with Heenan in that seat, weren't they?
Jarrett makes the tag. Kick, elbow, in the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick, chop, chop, T-bone Tazzplex, did he give a "fuck you" to Hogan that did NOT get muted? Get down!
First off, there's a good chance that everything that happens tonight will have absolutely no meaning. When we look at it THAT way, it's actually a lot more fun!
Keep in mind that this show was taped yesterday. Today the people at the top are out. So, like, don't bother to REMEMBER too much of this show 'cause in a month it probably won't matter what happens tonight. And hey, that means I'm off the hook if I can't entertain you! Ain't life grand?
Finlay's a legit toughman, but he's not Tank Abbott you know. If you like punches, and I mean REALLY like punches, have I got a match for you!
And now YOU KNOW WHO & SID VISCOUS are continuing their tango out and down the aisle. I think Finlay should KICK BOTH THEIR ASSES.
As Vicious drops to his knees, Okerlund gets all melodramatic with the choking - hey, he's not drunk, is he?
Gene O. stands backstage with Hard Knox Chris Candido, who whines a lot about not being handed the Cruiserweight belt. That's his gimmick - he whines a lot. Yeah, I'm blown away, too.
Candido climbs to the top - but THE ACRONYM is out and pushing him off - going for his jumping DDT but what actually happens isn't even close. Candido's a trooper and sells it, though - Chavo comes to and covers. 1, 2, 3. (4:06)
We take a slow pan up the greased up legs of Miss Hancock - they "drive me wild" - who? WHO? I WILL STAY GLUED TO THE TELEVISION DURING THIS AD BREAK
On second thought, I think I'll go get some water. I got plenty of time.
Tenay asks Hancock when was the last time she had her eyes examined - Tenay's a RACIST!
Heenan tells Hancock he wishes she could stick around a bit longer - then gives a CLASSIC Heenan leer to her backside. Heenan rules.
I was gonna do play-by-play for this match, but ...c'mon. It's Chuck Palumbo, already. If you don't watch Saturday Night (and really, you should -it's the best WCW program on the air), Palumbo is the Jungle Jim Steele of the Power Plant. If he ends up winning, I'll go back and redo this paragraph. Oops, he didn't win. (Steiner recliner 4:01)
Nice cabana wear there, Flair.
Cat gets in the ring and does his James Brown impersonation. James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! Funk on ah roll! Funk on ah roll! James Brown! THIS IS MY GREATEST SEGMENT WRITEUP EVER!!
Tank Abbott sums up Sid's turn: "Why'd Sid turn? Simple. Can't beat 'em - join 'em." Umm, beat WHO? Join WHO? Then again, isn't this the guy who wasn't gonna leave the ring because WCW forced him to lay down and ... oooooof
Morrus goes into his "I'm laughing/no I'm not" spiel - "Now that...hehehe...Hugh-miliating! Hehehe" I believe Herb Kunze first said "I love shoot comments that aren't supposed to be shoot comments."
Outside, Knobs and Dog wait for their cue (they saw the Helmsleys do it and thought it was cool), then - yes! They're WALKING!
Jiggle them boobies, front row girl!
If I was a little kid and my parents bought me those "4 Fish Fly Free" videos, I'd probably turn gay RIGHT THERE.
Wow! The bell FINALLY rings (DQ 6:22) as Rhodes rings Hogan with HIS bell. One more bell shot. Rhodes walks off...and Hogan's left laying. Hey, THAT'S kinda cool.
Crowd counts along and Rhodes hits the ring at nine - axehandle for Hogan, right, into the ropes, reversed, big boot! Right where we left off...legdrop. Oh, blow me. 1, 2, 3. (7:52)
Next week: I'm inclined to think that by next week, THUNDER WILL BE SPECIAL AGAIN! Also, I make the over on that "CRZ can only last four weeks doing this show" bet. Come back, won't you?
WCW logo - what quacks and limps?
Anyway, Kimberly's wearing a swimsuit that reminds us all that Vince Russo is back once again, as well as one of those waist things that all the pornstars wear.
Geez, is she on DRUGS or something? Is she trying to pick up two or three accents?
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and ROB VAN DAM (hey, if ECW isn't #2, why are you stealing ECW mannerisms?)
Here's A Special Video Look at Hogan at the Tower Records in Chicago - I can't help but notice we didn't see ANY shots of any throngs of people, or long lines, or anything - are they only leaving it to our imagination? They did this, you see, because they needed to spend more time with clips of Mancow and Jimmy Hart. Mancow and Jimmy Hart. And now there's going to be a match between the two at Spring Stampede. Mancow and Jimmy Hart. Sure is windy, huh?
Oh boy! 1-800-CAL-LATT contest to win a trip to Slamboree and watch "Ready to Rumble!" Know what the second place prize is? TWO airings of "Ready to Rumble!" Thank you! I'll be here all week!
Modest has him...hey, what's that thing called? Running reverse cradle Death Valley Drop brainbuster? Oh, NOW they tell us it's a nontitle match. That would have been a good thing to tell us A LITTLE EARLIER THAN 1, 2, 3. (3:42)
Now, friends, if you want this to be taken as a huge colossal monumental upset, PERHAPS you MIGHT have considered TALKING ABOUT THE MATCH DURING THE MATCH. Of course, the nimrods with the headsets spent the whole match talking about Bischoff, Russo, Vicious, Hogan, and everything BUT the match, so who gives a crap? And they wonder why nobody cares! The only person calling this match is me!
BOOKER v. BIG RON HARRIS (with Heavy D) - once and for all, if you can't tell them apart, learn NOW: Big Ron is the GOOD LOOKING one.
It IS funny seeing the Harris Boys in jeans shorts, I'll grantcha.
PLEASE STOP BULLSHITTING US ABOUT RUSSO & BISCHOFF, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE. If they were such hot shit, why were they fired? Please. You have ALL the answers. Just give me that one. Just give me THAT ONE. If they are such hot shit, and they're going to turn this company around, if they are going to lead WCW back to the promised land, if they are as truly great as the commentators INSIST on going ON and ON and ON about - how come EACH man needed a second chance?
Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where the Dragons made off with the infamous Green Circles, which will hopefully explain tonight's performance of "Can't Get You Out of My Heart" in Japanese by the Dragon's. Kaz delivers his lines with at least as much soul as, say, Suzi Q.
Package and Sting are at the hotel - and near the swimming pool. Thank GOD somebody's going in the water - if they killed THAT tradition there'd be NOTHING left.
Package goes to the surfboard. I mean, like, LITERALLY. HE HITS HIM WITH A SURFBOARD.
Sting's not done - bell clap! Clothesline! IN THE OCEAN! Tony has fifteen simultaneous orgasms.
Gene O. stands with Terry Funk who promises incomprehensibility and drunkenness - no, wait...
THEMONSTERMENG (fro in full effect, yo) v. LA PARKA - this matchup could very well be a main event IN ANY ARENA IN THE COUNTRY.
Fit Finlay says that Bischoff & Russo have a good track record, and these are the guys who can sort it out. "I'm a team player as far as this business is concerned, and I'll back them all the way." First of all, after hearing THAT line of corned beef, I guess those stereotypes ARE true about Irish guys and drinking, and second of all, Finlay SHOULD have said "when are they teaming me back up with David Taylor and Doc Dean?"
Here's a Special Video Look at the Wall - he's taking on Hulk Hogan later tonight. Oh man, don't tell me THAT'S your main event. "Let's TRY to set a record!" said the lame duck booker. "Lowest rated main event EVER!"
Morrus has a joke for DAVID PENZER: "Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Did you ever see what Terry Funk does to a chicken?" I reckon that'll be your highlight there. ("What do you sound like when you're OPTIMISTIC, Zed?" "Aw, shut up.")
Schiavone says he's been asked to "sell these two people beating each other up but I'm sorry, I can't do that right now." Sigh. The other guy is giving free blowjobs, by the way...this from a guy who has a rather unhealthy fiaxtion, going on and on about how the masturbation patterns of all the WWF fans out there.
Backstage, we see Hennig and Bagwell take a magical trip to feedback land where NOTHING they say is intelligible.
Oh boy! FIREWORKS!! I hope next week they show us THE YETI!
It would be HILARIOUS if RAW was SUCH hot shit next week that NOBODY came back to Nitro in two weeks. Now, in the LONG run, it'd suck, 'cause the WWF has tended to get REALLY lazy without competition, but in the short run...it'd be fun.
Let Us Take You Back to UNcensored where Crowbar gave his body for a failed push. I have a feeling you could play the Hulk Hogan/Big Bubba Rogers main event of the first episode of Nitro and feel like we've come full circle here.
Sadly, the Mark speaks of the 10 April Nitro as if he already knows he'll still have a job providing colour commentary, and that's a strike against the "new" Nitro already.
Tenay and Heenan waste no time speculating on how Russo (a man with an ego so large he's the Power*S* that Be) and Bischoff can get along - sets your spider sense a-tingling, doesn't it? Nice to see that nobody's picked up the delicate concept of "subtlety" over in WCW-land.
"Highlights" from Nitro - why? Does ANYBODY watch JUST this show? Well, I suppose if you watched RAW, you might have missed most of these clips...eh.
Billy Kidman looks forward to Vince Russo coming back because "he doesn't care about all the politics in wrestling" and elevates the younger talent. Bischoff's done a lot of great things for WCW the last time around, but he's noted for helping the "established talent, to be politically correct." And THEN - he takes out a pad of paper and a magic marker and CONNECTS THE DOTS and DRAWS IT OUT FOR US, just in case we haven't gotten it yet. Jesus, how stupid and rubelike do they expect their dwindling audience to be? Why exactly would it strike those in charge that the way to gain viewers is to insult the ones that are left? Say, wasn't it Bill Banks who said the audience doesn't like to be insulted? Was he just blowing smoke up our collective ass? Wait...a member of the booking team blowing smoke up our collective ass? What am *I* thinking?
Am I gonna dog it like this for the ENTIRE two hours? Keep reading... (Old Glory -> pin 4:24) HOOOOOOOOO!
Torrie Wilson says "um, like, you know" when asked about Bischoff and Russo. No, she says it's a great opportunity to get back the ratings if only they'll get along. How come I'VE got a better complexion than her, anyway?
Curt Hennig says it's a great thing that they're back. Bischoff hired him and Russo knows he can go, "so I think it's gonna be a thumbs up year for Curt Hennig all the way." God bless Curt Hennig - he still manages to find a way to turn this bit into self-promotion.
Ron Harris says that a 1975 booking style will be moved to 2000 AND somebody's in the office with a little backbone and things will get done. What exactly is he smoking again?
The screwings will continue until morale improves. (DQ 4:37)
Skye (they called her Casey?) says that she didn't get to work with Bischoff, but she enjoyed Russo's ideas. She thinks it'll be a good change for the company and hopes everything will turn out for the best...translation: "I still get paid, right?"
WORLD HARDCORE TITLE: DOG v. BRIAN KNOBS - Dog is led out on a leash by referee "Blind" Billy Silverman. Well now, I sure would like to see them find a way to pull a DQ out of their ass for THIS match! Crutch! Garbage can lid! Garbage can! Woof! Woof! Woof! Fire extinguisher! Chair! Nasty! Nasty! Nasty! Crutch! Mop! Paint tray! Crutch! Crutch! Garbage can! Barricade! Garbage can! Garbage can lid! Garbage can! Pitty City! Nasty! Big boots to the chair! Clubbing blow! Elbow! Whip into the corner! Follow lariat! Woof! Woof! Gnaw! Woof! Woof! Table! Nasty! Chair! Garbage can! Cover! Three! Nasty! (Call 4:11)
Brian Knobs says if it'll make him more money, fantastic. Ask him again in three or four weeks and he'll let you know. Wow, that's almost believable.
Wall brings a chair with him, throws it into the ring, and Vampiro kicks it away instead of picking it up - now THEM'S brains!
It only takes McMichael all of eight seconds to earn him the wrath and scorn of rec.sport.pro-wrestling as one of the worst colour men EVER.
Aww, man, they're SKIPPING over the Ye-teh, aren't they.
The Mark: "A lot of people out there don't think he can do it again - even WITH Vince Russo's help. I have a question to ask you about that: you sure? You sure he can't? I think he can." Christ almighty, you are SUCH a DUMB SHIT. It's not even that you're fat and ugly...which some might say you are, but resorting to personal appearance flames would obscure one from the proper focus - that you're just so STUPID. "You sure? You sure he can't?" Actually, YES. Have you ALREADY forgotten the high hopes that came with Russo coming in? Have you ALREADY forgotten the pissing away Bischoff did with the giant lead he had? HOW exactly can two negatives make a positive? "I think he can." Well of course YOU would - you've been at the desk during some of the lowest-rated Nitros OF ALL TIME - you *can't* think anything else and KEEP your spot! But to deliver that line with all that ultra-cool arrogrance and smarm - you actually *believe* people are gonna swallow that tripe, too - DON'CHA. You're a pip. A FREAKIN' peach.
Hosts talk about how much Bischoff had on his plate - the tank was on empty - he was physically and emotionally spent - he had a family to think about - he HAD to step down. (Translation: he was demoted because the ratings blew chunks)
The Mark: "It's a lot like Babe Ruth stepping aside and Mickey Mantle jumping into the lineup - and Russo came in with Crash TV - which is a series of short, sharp, fast, snappy segments - self-contained, but with a hook at the end designed to keep you watching, Tony - and there was a monstrous change in WCW TV almost overnight, but to me it really worked - to me it was really an exciting time in WCW's history." Izzat so, Brainy Smurf. If only the numbers agreed with you. And hell, Vince Russo did so well he was PULLED ASIDE in a short three months! But I'll give you this - the trainwreck that WCW had quickly devolved into sure was...."EXCITING." Of course, it didn't make a money, the numbers got lower and lower, but IT - WAS - EXCITING!
Jesus... They're REALLY deluded.
Can there be any other conclusion?
Tonight, a look back at WCW and Thunder...and a whole lotta ass-kissing! Because, let's face it - why highlight wrestlers when you can talk about *bookers* for two hours?
TV-PG-DLV ratings box reappears as our hosts discuss the burnout Eric Bischoff must have gone through - which, of course, he won't POSSIBLY go through again.
From Salisbury, 23.12.99: BRET HART v. CHRIS BENOIT for the World Heavyweight Title - we REALLY just skipped fifteen months of Thunder because *hardly anything worth mentioning happened.*
Looking to serve penance this Lent? WCW appears LIVE Saturday in Chattanooga, Sunday in Huntsville, Monday in Denver for Nitro, and tix on sale Friday for Kansas City for Slamboree and St. Louis for Nitro!
Tenay: "Something tells me we'll get ALL of our questions answered." Me: "Mike, when exactly did you lose your testicles? Can you pinpoint the exact moment?"
Hey, nice tie, Yun Yang!
"The Power IS...VINCE RUSSO!" "Iron Man" plays... and out he comes. He got "Iron Man" as his theme? Steady on....
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON and MWMADDEN@HOTMAIL.COM - TELL HIM CRZ SENT YA. It would be wrong of me to note the "I'M MISSING RAW" sign so I won't. Lookit the Mark catching flies - c'mon, buddy, try CLOSING the mouth! Breathe through the nose! You can do it! Try to be somebody that *I* would want to be! We're all counting on you to LIVE THE DREAM!
Moments Ago, somebody had the audacity to refer to Brian Knobbs as "new blood"
Abbott leaves the ring and looks for a target. He spies the commentary table. Hudson gets muted with "holy geez," but Abbott has other ideas. Yup - ol' roly poly is pounded on, relieved of his shirt (sweet merciful CRAP!), then put in the ring - Abbott strikes away. Security pulls him off a little too early - I mean, a little too late...
Moments Ago, two angles - do we actually see Hogan run the blade across his forehead just before taking the chair from Bischoff? In plain sight and slow motion? Oh well.
And now the music plays - and if it's one minute to RAW, I don't care WHICH regime we're under - you can do no better but bring out THE MAN to say a few words, and here he is.
"Moments Ago" footage shows us that Douglas wrapped a chain around his fist before using it. I don't mind that they missed this the first time around, because this is more of a "surprise" thing (I'll ignore your smartass question about how they managed to get an angle where Douglas is in perfect frame - sometimes you gotta just deal with it) and I like that they come back to it to help explain just what happened.
Ewwww, Jason Hervey AND Chad Damiani in the same frame! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!
David Arquette will be at Thunder - they're testing me. I know it.
Tony: "We're shootin' here!" Har har har.
Well, lookee here. It's AWESOME MIKE AWESOME come out to beat down Nash. The interesting thing about this appearance is the fact that to most of the people who would have been shocked by this, it had already been leaked thanks to Bubba the Love Sponge - to most of the rest of the world, it's "huh? Who the heck is this guy?" When Hudson and Schiavone go to great lengths to tell us he's the ECW World Heavyweight Champion, the prevailing question is "What's ECW?" Never mind that they WERE the #2 fed, wink wink.
As for Bischoff, he's going to "eat his ass alive" - ewwww.
And we cut to another shot of .... of ..... of ..... of .... ...of a white Hummer running into Hogan's limo.
And Bischoff and Billy Kidman get out! Bischoff says something about the man with the white Hummer while Kidman spits on the limo - a high ten is exchanged and they get back in to drive off...
Now I ask you: of Jarrett vs. Sting or Jarrett vs. Page, which matchup would YOU want headlining Spring Stampede for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship? Diamond Cutter by Page - cover - 1, 2, 3. Yeah, I would have said Jarrett vs. Sting as well - that's why I'm not a booker. (3:42)
I stand by what I said Tuesday morning - I'm not ready to jump on that bandwagon just yet. There is just as much reason to think that we're headed for the same old crap as there is that this fed is set to be turned around. Let me repeat that and emphasize it so it sinks in with you. **There is just as much reason to think that we're headed for the same old crap as there is that this fed is set to be turned around.**
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, MIKE TENAY & BOBBY HEENAN. Schiavone all but proclaims this opening as the greatest segment in the history of Thunder.
Candido and Artist punching away on each other - commentators failing to talk about ANY of the strife between all three supposed partners - must not be in their job duties or something
Helms up to the top - but Flair crotches him, and now it looks like we're going to see the Frankendaffney! THE FRANKENDAFFNEY! Hey, Daffney's been trying to work off that giant ass of hers - good for her.
Page promises "Jersey-style" for Bigelow - I don't know what that is, but it involves a lotta "badda's."
Sean Stasiak tells the makeup lady he needs to look PERFECT tonight and sends her off to get some oil - then Curt Hennig sneaks in and beats him down. Stasiak is apparently calling himself "the Perfect one," now. And YOU thought Russo and Bischoff didn't bring any new ideas to the dance!
CRACKA EAZY-E powerwalks to the ring. People flipping him the bird are airbrushed out (oh, so we're still doing THAT, are we?)
Douglas rolls out. Heenan says this is a smart idea, to "take the twenty count." Did they take Heenan off the medication?
Oh, wait - it IS LucasArts' "Star Wars Episode 1: Jedi Power Battles!" Thanks, but I've ALREADY "ignited my saber" tonight and had a "solo battle" of my own. (Hyatte said I could use that one until *he* started recapping Thunder, so I feel pretty safe getting away with it THIS week)
Meanwhile, Kimberly - IS - WALKING! She says to the cameraman, "hey Eric - this one's for you!" And she removes her coat to reveal one o' them old Nitro Grrl tops with the headlights and the.....I'll be right back
Kimberly doesn't seem too pleased but hell, we're all looking at her nipples, not her facial expression. I mean...oh, sorry.
Oh boy! Another Flintstones movie! I bet Rosie O'Donnell tells us that HERS was better! Repeatedly!
Let Us Take You Back - err, Ahead? - to a replay one of the Villanos kabonging Sting with a gee-tar and removing his mask to reveal that he's Jeff Jarrett! Errr.......
Flair again comes out in street clothes because Bischoff and Russo are all about keeping a shirt on Flair. Tony says Flair is dressed this way because he's dressed to BRAWL, baby.
Hey WCW - over and over, you were promising us better production and YOU HAD AN ENTIRE DAY OF POST-PRODUCTION TO DEVOTE TO THIS SHOW (and obviously, from all the airbrushing of middle fingers and "offensive" signs and audio tweaks and the hey hey hey) AND YOU CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO PUT THE SEGMENTS IN THE CORRECT ORDER? Well surely *THIS* is the new WCW!
Here's a replay of Vince Russo giving the bat to Flair...lucky for us, this replay was actually played AFTER the events took place, so as to, you know, make sense for the viewer and such.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight and segment one (I *believe* they actually MEANT it to be segment one, as well - but who can say for sure) where Page interrupted Bischoff's party and paid a price. Hey you - listen up now - new era - two shows - two main events - Page in both of them. YOU connect the dots and form your own opinion...if you can set aside your biases FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE. There sure seem to be an awful lot of "Ready to Rumble" snippets in Page's entrance video, don't there?
Schiavone wonders aloud what happened with Bret Hart, as if he just shut his eyes and went to sleep after they left the air. Tenay says he caught up with Hart after the show, but got the big brushoff. Well, at least he TRIED.
If you learn nothing else from this report, note well that **it is a GRIEVOUS display of the GROSSEST sort of incompetence and laxity to let two segments air out of order** and that overshadows EVERYTHING else about this show. (And before you start composing email, keep in mind that if the WWF were to do it, I'd be JUST as hard on them.) As for the content...the angles, the angles STILL rollin', the guys on top, the guys STILL on top, the upcoming pay-per-view, the repeated reliance on run-ins, ref bumps, the LACK of decent wrestling action (with the except of the six-man)...
Oh, man, I'm starting to REALLY not like where this is going. I promise you this: if we get more of the same Monday...get ready for the gloves to come off, and you might as well get started on your pleas to WrestleLine to bring back their second Monday recapper...
Tomorrow: I'll bitch about the McMahons, and you probably won't notice. Toodles!
OKAY, METAPHOR: I'm saying that you can give me the GREATEST loaf of BREAD in the world, but you can't expect me to GO ON TO tell the world that I've just had the best SANDWICH of my life. 'cause there's no MEAT, my man.
NO SEGUES NEEDED: Let me tell you how great my car is. I left the keys in it for THE ENTIRE DAY at my work's parking lot and NOBODY wanted to drive it away!
That's right, I'm feelin' feisty! Who wants a piece?
"...and speaking of old, you know, that other small promotion where I used to work - the WWF - there was an OLD, crotchety, old man who used to wear a black cowboy hat, and this old man did everything he could to keep my next guest down, and let me just say right now, JR, you can kiss my ass, because here is the NEW WCW World champion - the Chosen One, JEFF JARRETT!" Quick impressions: * Tammy's aged - and not particularly well - she's AWFULLY...umm...curvy? Is that the kind way to put it?
* Who is this JR guy and where can I watch him?
The theme from "NWO Monday Nitro" plays and out walks Bischoff...with KIMBRRLY, arm in arm. Tony tell us it was one of the craziest turns he'd ever seen. My take: as far as "shock" turns go, last night's Kimberly turn wasn't too bad - *except* for the fact that before she even got in the ring, it was made SOOO OBVIOUS she was going to kabong Page with that guitar. Hell, it was at least as bad as Stephanie's turn! (There, is that "impartial" enough for ya?)
You know, Kimberly isn't much of an actress - but she looks good so it's okay...I guess
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON and MOBY MARK, THE WHITE WHALE. I heard I was called a "jabrone" on WCW Live last week - is that a step up from "jackass?"
Okay, here's the deal. I'll do play-by-play for this match, but if there's a run-in, THAT'S IT for the night.
Bit of a staredown - MISS HANCOCK is out in record time - all right, maybe the SECOND run-in.
Hennig borrows the Mark's water - douses the Mark (why? Don't know - DON'T CARE! GO GO HENNIG)
"I got one thing to say, guys - I'm going in there one way or the other." Now, what's SUPPOSED to happen here is that Hogan is *so intense* that the cops are afraid to do anything BUT let him by, but what REALLY happens is Hogan does a lot of staring, there's an uneasy silence (punctuated by somebody heckling Hogan - heh - "You suck, Hogan!") and then, as if Hogan were a Jedi, the cops say "these aren't the droids we're looking for - move along."
Tony builds up Hogan's first utterance of "Terry Bollea" as the second coming of Christ - ummm, but they said it in that "Best of Thunder" interview a whopping 12 days ago, so how big of a deal IS it, really?
Schiavone tells us that their team name is "Chronic." Has Dr. Dre been alerted?
CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, MARK! COME ON!
Hulk Hogan is WALKING! Although he stops to pat the back of some children...RIGHT after he says "son of a bitch," heh heh heh.
Page has a book signing somewhere tomorrow. If you REALLY wanted to know, you should have watched the show, 'cause even *I* have my limits.
YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT YEAHBABY slowly walks to the ring as the Mark goes apoplectic. "Don't even look at me, fatass!" Sign in crowd: "TANK U 4 SHUTTING UP MADDEN"
Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan happens upon Terry Taylor, who promptly stooges off Kidman. Maybe they'll finally meet - right after this short word!
RUNKLES! HAAAAAhahahahahahaha
How many times do you hear them saying "the fans want the disqualification rule relaxed," and do you think to yourself, "hey, wait, I'M a fan! They didn't ask ME!"
Trash all OVER the place - I guess that's what happens when you drop several cases of crumple-able paper on the crowd at the beginning of the night.
His flurry is short, as Hogan regains control, runs him into the wall, into a trash dumpster, choking him out. "We don't wrestle anymore in WCW" - well, NO SHIT.
Hogan still destroying Kidman. This is how they give people pushes.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago. Ask yourself: was this the kind of payoff for an entire show's worth of Hogan walking around looking for Kidman you wanted to see? Does this seem more palatable because they keep saying "Terry Bollea" over and over? Is Hogan REALLY in the Millionaire's Club if we never see him interacting with ANY of them, save for a scant few seconds with Sting on last week's Nitro? And finally, despite the fact that all of these are rhetorical questions, how many of you will STILL attempt to write me with answers to these questions?
Torrie acts (ha) (don't ha, come on) (oh, all right) ACTS concerned.
And yet, on the other hand...what good does it to for them to talk to us about the relaxed disqualification rule if you STILL have a MAJORITY of the matches end in a DQ?
Hogan lets up on Bischoff just a bit as Hart picks up his chair - he's gonna swing... And they fade to black with a whopping two minutes of overtime in the bank. Does anybody even CARE what he does?
I wonder if he continued the swing for people in the arena.
You are spared a Thunder report thanks to the NBA. Just as well, it'd probably just be another show of five under five-minute (hell, except for one, under FOUR minute) matches, including three relaxed disqualifications, one ref bump and one bout of "mysterious tables."
Stories of pride and passion - of killers and kings - of this'n'that'n'the other thing - hey where the hell is Nitro? I didn't tune in to see this kind of network GRANDSTANDING!! ***THAT'S WHAT UPN IS FOR!!!!***
Vampiro and Sting are brawling backstage! My God! My God! Hey! For no apparent reason, Bam Bam Bigelow's back there, too! Oops! NO, see we're not SUPPOSED to see him - DON'T track with Bigelow! He's not IN this scene! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oh well
WORLD HARDCORE TITLE MATCH: TERRY FUNK v. TRIPPA B - why, what a shock - Bigelow's in this match! We go a whopping SIX SECONDS before THE NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL runs out to attempt to run in with some weak garbage can lid shots before being put out of the picture. "Beyond the Mat" is mentioned by way of burying Funk - I mean, putting over his INCREDIBLE resilience. Whoops, the sign police are out and wandering the front row - change cameras! For some reason, Cat cartwheel kicks *Bigelow*, and Funk - who's wearing a trash can, by the way - pins him. (1:59) If you wanted more play-by-play, perhaps you should have booked this match as well. Post match, Cat gets in the ring. More damage to Bigelow? Gonna get a piece of Funk? No, he...asks them to play his music so he can dance. Obviously, the feedback came back to the people in charge of this show, and it overwhelmingly said "start the show with a match." So, they gave us this - I wonder who thought THIS would qualify...
Bischoff is wearing a mic on his lapel, because he's TOO COOL to have to carry a mic in his hands.
Kimberly's breasts are quite hypnotic, aren't they?
HERE'S YOUR SOUNDBITE, LARRY: "Ready to Rumble," the movie on which WCW is placing a major chunk of storyline action, earned a rather paltry $994,671 over its third weekend in release - earning it *18th* place on the earnings list. In WCW, this is what they call "striking while the iron is hot."
Thank you! I'll be here all week!
And she removes the coat to reveal - a black and white Body Donnas cheerleader outfit! AND A GIANT....whoops, sorry. Say, did her voice get about three octaves lower when I wasn't paying attention?
We cut back to Tammy trying to look sexy - good Lord, she's the new Missy Hyatt!
By the way, I didn't get to it during the "action" of the previous match, but it was announced that Arquette/Bischoff is going to lead off the second hour. Arquette/Bischoff is going to be on when RAW starts. Arquette/Bischoff is going to air at the top of the hour. When the opposition's program starts, the counterprogramming will be the match between David Arquette and Eric Bischoff.
Hoo boy...
TEAM PACKAGE (with Liz) v. KRONIC - Yep, they're gonna spell it THAT way - remember, friends, you can TRADEMARK misspellings!
Pier Four Brawl breaks out - MISS HANCOCK comes out approximately thirteen seconds into the matchup - see, you have to do that when you only get two minutes to have the match.
"Do you hear that? Do you hear that sound? Da ya hear it? It's the sound of your career coming to an end - BROTHER!" Funny, I thought it was the sound of the Slamboree buyrate NOT going up.
It is announced that Team Package was sent out for observation due to their tremendous injuries...bats'll do that. Hey, is that OCTAGON in the crowd? Oh, no it's just some guy in a mask - sorry. Got excited for nothing, there.
It's so funny to listen to the Mark bury his own product in the hopes of sounding cool.
Sign in Crowd: "Nothing Interesting: Turn Raw On."
Arquette spears Bischoff. Strange, he looks like he's setting up for - holy shit, he IS doing the Wurm! Crowd knows exactly when to say "HOO HOO HOO," even though Arquette puts a lot more crotch into his setup... also, he ends it with an elbowdrop.
Moments Ago, two non-wrestlers had a non-wrestling match - dig it. KABONG! Three angles, why not? Hudson actually says "what ring presence!" when referring to Arquette. Snicker snicker.
Adams and Bagwell to their corners as Clarke and Douglas - ah hell, let's just flip ahead to the Russo run-in.
Abbott almost gets hold of a floor director, but he runs off. Aww, shit - not 1 BOB RYDER. Abbott tosses a laptop, grabs Ryder and muscles him into the ring. What, has Abbott got a fetish for the fat white guys or something? JEREMY BORASH comes in and climbs on his back - Abbott looks to be enjoying it - runs him into the corner, back first - then takes him out with one right. And now Abbott takes out BILL BANKS with one punch as well. SECURITY decides there isn't anyone else to take - Schiavone publicly begs for Goldberg to return. I think I can sum this all up with a sign in the crowd: "WAIT - THIS ISN'T EMERIL LIVE"
Tonight, Bret Hart SPEAKS! Why did he hit Hogan with the STEEL chair? Heenan says, "Why? 'cause it's Hogan! EVERYONE should hit Hogan with a chair as far as I'm concerned - 'cause he needs it! Now go bother someone else!" Why isn't this guy on Nitro? Surely the ratings would go up...
Who had seventeen minutes in the "first video distorted sign" pool?
Meanwhile, DDP is WALKING! He's looking around...oh, thank God! ANOTHER two hours of SOMEBODY WALKING AROUND LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY ELSE - hey, you think he'll find him at the top of the hour?
Hennig brandishes a set of brass knuckles, but says that unlike Stasiak, HE won't use them - then he proceeds to hit the ring to use them. Good thing I didn't get involved in any play-by-play, right? (Flatliner -> pin 2:43)
Billy Kidman and Torrie Wilson are WALKING! Well, actually Kidman's sliding down a bannister - oh well, close enough
Torrie's gonna speak? Hide your children!
We cut to a "SHUT UP AND WRESTLE" sign - good luck, kid.
Sting - is - WALKING! And still covered in red stuff....geez, who does he think he is...Al Snow?
Wall gets flipped off, but it's airbrushed out of the picture to spare our delicate eyes.
Vampiro T-shirt ad - wear it when you feel like LOSING REPEATEDLY
In the process, Russo takes off and makes his way over to Liz and carries her off. Russo makes a King Kong pose before walking off. Tune in next week when Russo and Bischoff book themselves the REST of the women in this company.
"During the Break" footage shows Security piling Miss Elizabeth into a car, and Russo driving off - Liz being apparently too stupid to operate a car door from the inside.
And the robe is removed, and perhaps it's apropos that with THOSE thighs, she'd appear on *Thunder.* Oops, sorry. Anyway, she wisely wears an outfit to focus attention on her breast implants as opposed to other areas that her demons appear have taken residence in - I mean, taken over. Oh, geez, I'm SORRY. I SWEAR I'll go easier on Tammy from now on. Crackwhore-- JESUS, that JUST slipped out and I'm REALLY REALLY SORRY.
Tammy attempts chain wrestling - making her the FIRST PERSON ALL NIGHT to attempt such a manoeuvre.
We quickly shift into catfight mode and - gosh, this SHOULD be turning me on, but I just seem SO not in the mood.
Paisley manages to come back with - a Golota? Does that REALLY hurt a woman the way it hurts a man?
Tammy in from behind, in the corner, whip is reversed, WEAK handspring elbow - crowd actually BOOS the poor execution - who'd ever have thought you'd hear me say "she ain't no Chyna?"
Paisley tries to nip up, and fools no one.
Tony tells Steiner he's got the biggest arms in the world - what happened to that Big Jakes guy, huh? I mean, Paul Orndorff went on a SPECIAL MISSION to bring him to WCW!
Suddenly, I don't mind so much that I didn't bother to get THAT into this match. Sad, isn't it? I've been trained. But the problem is...when the matches don't matter anymore, what's the point of even bothering to tune into a wrestling program in the FIRST place?
Now HUGH MORRUS is out, along with FAR OUT VAN HAMMER. The five somehow manage to overcome the two - Booker gives us surprise that all these crackas would come out and save HIS sorry black ass. Here's some replays.
We check out Kim's thong. Heenan: "What's she got on - she's wearing a slingshot!" Tenay: "Aww, the deck is stacked, and so is the referee!"
(3:46) Bif Naked plays - the ring fills with drinks - Page gives the world a hearty laugh. Out through the crowd. Replay. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new.... That's it, I'm outta here.
Backlash is Sunday.
Perhaps an analogy would help illustrate the point. Let's say that you're Pepsi Cola, and you're trying to take the cola market share away from Coca-Cola. To this end, you put out a lot of statements like this:
* Coke drinkers are to be blamed for Pepsi's lower market share Finally, and this is the kicker, you *change the Pepsi formula* so that it merely ends up resembling a watered-down Coke! Now, REALLY. Are you really going to be SURPRISED when, not only do you NOT get more Pepsi drinkers, but you end up losing the people who enjoyed Pepsi in the first place? (This is actually kind of a fun analogy...we could make ECW Royal Crown, XPW can be Moxie and WXO can be Like. Lucha libre can be Dr Pepper. Yeah!) The POINT (which will escape some of you unless I actually spell it out) is that it's UNBELIEVABLE that this company is choosing to employ this strategy, because I can't think of any other industry where it would be OKAY for one company to attempt to influence the market share by out and out INSULTING the patrons of a competing company.
And finally...realistically now, if you piss off all the "WWF fans" and cause them to completely ignore your product, *where* exactly do you expect to get YOUR viewers? Is there some giant untapped segment of the population dying for this stuff that none of us know about except the guys running WCW?
WCW logo - it ain't funny no more
"Welcome to day number five in the unbelievable title reign of new world champion David Arquette!" That's it, I'm outta here...
Smiley whips Crowbar into two chairs. Cover - 1, 2 - no. I guess this is a hardcore, falls count anywhere match. It helps when they TELL us these things, right? Ah, who cares.
Crowbar does Smiley's "doin' it in da butt and smackin' by bitch up" to the mascot - Smiley up from behind with the kendo stick and now HE does *Crowbar* in da butt while he's doing the mascot in the butt. (I hear that in the biz they call this "a Nitro moment.")
Tonight, David Arquette SPEAKS! Hudson dares to tell us that this is "pro wrestling."
Cox: "Kurt - did you know that David was the WCW World Champion?" Kurt, who must deep down be a real fan of wrestling...laughs. Him and all the other fans, hiyo!
Total Package is WALKING! He's looking for Russo and Liz - EVERY *FUCKING* SHOW THEY *HAVE* TO HAVE SOME GUY WALKING AROUND LOOKING FOR SOME OTHER GUY
Sign in crowd "Russo's Only Fan" - you ain't kiddin' buddy.
Steiner beats up random signs - he ALMOST takes on the "ROID RAGE" sign but thinks better of it. Scott Steiner: master of subtle humour.
LASH LeROUX, VAN HAMMER and CHAVO GUERRERO JR. - "the remainder of the Misfits in Action" - come out and "they're celebrating with their leader!" Well, I guess there's a silver lining - at least Booker T. didn't get tied to this group.
We go to the graveyard, where Sting is calling out Vampiro. Gosh, I hope this is the right graveyard! And I hope he doesn't find Vampiro before the end of this commercial break!
"Throughout the history of Sports Entertainment, there has never been a fight in a graveyard!" Tell that to Kane, Tony.
Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan has found Mike Awesome, and they're fighting. Yeah, you might have powerbombed him through a table, but THIS IS HULK HOGAN!
We cut backstage and pick up this chase. Konnan and Mysterio run - Mysterio tripping for comedic effect (I HOPE it was unintentional) - Nash is close behind. Mysterio into the bed of a low-rider truck, which drives off SLOWER than Nash can WALK. But Nash is tired of walking, so he pulls somebody out of a car to drive off - *then* he realises the truck has actually stopped, (see, there's some traffic up ahead that apparently didn't know this road was supposed to be kept clear for this segment) so instead of driving off after them, he walks the five feet over to the truck - Mysterio decides that this is stripping away the credibility of the story, so he gets out - Konnan decides to join him, but before they can run off again, **the truck starts to slide backwards,** because somebody forgot to set the parking brake. Konnan frantically tries to hold up the truck before it smashes into the limo parked downstream. I mean, this is reaching "Plan 9 from Outer Space" levels of unintentional humour. Could this be ANY more poorly planned?
When we come back, outside the building Nash is working over Mysterio and Konnan - hopefully for allowing themselves to take part in this stupid segment. I think he's calling Mysterio "Sisqo" - NASH STILL HAS STREET CRED! I mean, I can see how they would use this segment to try to make the PREVIOUS segment look like it didn't come off horribly wrong...except that unfortunately, it begs the question of why Nash is bothering with these two free agent chumps when his issue is really with Kidman? By the way, you have to admit that it really gets the New Blood over to see Nash deal with these guys so handily, doesn't it?
Fine, I'll mention the sign. "VINCE RUSSO SLEEPS WITH GOATS (I HAVE PROOF)"
Outside, Nash takes a crowbar to the windows of the truck - he wanted to use his bare arm and take a Goldberg-esque vacation, but they wouldn't allow it.
We take a look at ... a crow. Commentators act like this is the SCARIEST THING THEY'VE EVER SEEN. Tony trumps them with "Sting has risen from the dead!"
How come the Mark calls David Arquette "YOUR world champion...not mine" when he's spent all of last week trying to convince the world that putting the title on this guy was a brilliant idea?
Sign in crowd: "Is Anybody Watching?"
I sure hope that wasn't the most BLATANT blade job I've seen Hogan do - and after the past couple of weeks, that'd be saying something!
And now A FAN gets all the way into the ring - since he's wearing a Sting mask, I guess everybody thought he was part of the show or something.
Ewwww! Not "Assault on Devil's Island!" That movie's got WAY too much Hogan and Billy Blanks, and not NEARLY enough Shannon Tweed!
Oh, damn! "Ripley's Believe It Or Not! will not be seen tonight, so we may bring you a special presentation of
Your hosts are the AWESOME 3. Why does Tony keep saying "War Zone?" Everybody knows that's on USA Mondays at 10!
Kimberly wears a shirt with her name on it, just in case she happens to forget it because someone's changed the air in her head.
Kanyon innovates a top-rope Rocker Dropper, which gets a "what a move" call from Schiavone.
Kimberly is apparently laying in the ring but the editing (lots of crowd shots and strange angles) prevents us from seeing what was probably an errant kabong or something. Hell, go read the spoilers, it's probably covered in there.
"Lookat the two o' ya's! Flair - right now! Come into my ring! Let's do the five minutes right now - let's go!" Does Russo's watch even GO to five minutes?
Hey Vampiro, talking to yourself is a sign of impending mental collapse!
Seems to me that Awesome's been TOTALLY wasted - unless, of course, we were all WRONG about the ECW World Heavyweight Champion being a PPV draw against, say, Nash or Hogan. Who knows? Maybe we were.
Before the match even starts, (THIS IS) STING sneaks up behind Vampiro - apparently, he did something really sneaky, but with OUR camera angle, we missed it - which can only mean it must have been REALLY hokey if they didn't want US to see it!
Vampiro T-shirt ad - suitable for running across a graveyard breathing heavily - or jobbing
This is the SECOND time Tony has said that Bischoff fired Morrus, but again, I only saw Chavo, Hammer and LeRoux get fired - eh, screw it. I'm sure if it had mattered, someone would have corrected him by now, right?
Steiner gets muted frequently, but a "bullshit" sneaks by, probably because the guy doing the muting can't speak Steiner's language and didn't hear it.
Jimmy Barron phones it in - only, since he didn't record a voiceover this week, Tony provides one in real time - unfortunately, he ALSO says some extra stuff ("dude") when he didn't realise his mic was hot - what a bush league production this is...
Tony helpfully tells us that this isn't wrestling any more - it's sports entertainment. That must be why I don't feel the need to provide any play-by-play. Of course, shouldn't I be entertained right now, then?
Wait, first let's record Mike Tenay for posterity. "Logic? Word doesn't even exist in World Championship Wrestling!" What was my favourite Russo quote? Eh...it'll come back to me.
Now the music of HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN plays - you know, I was thinking that's JUST what this match needed. We can only hope Meng is behind him.
Apparently, while we watched Duggan walking, we missed all the women eliminating themselves. That's not what *I* wanted to see them do to themselves!! Er...
We cut to a LIVE shot and here's a big bus! And the license plate says "DX Express" - no, wait, "F.U.N.B."
Funny moment, emblematic of a typical WCW production: one of the "shooting" fireworks goes off, and the camera gets set to track it's ascent to the top - only instead of moving, it just SITS there, making lots of noise and not moving. If I were in the mood, I could make a thousand word column out of that five seconds, but you're spared.
At this point, I will pause for a Ready to Rumble earnings update: this most recent weekend, the fifth for this release, this most-surely-destined-for-classic-status epic earned a whopping *$97,990* to place 35th, bringing the total earnings to just over $12.1 million, which MIGHT cover the massive amount of advertising put behind the flick. That's UNDER SIX FIGURES. The Mark (barely) makes more in a year than Ready to Rumble made last weekend. Chew on THAT.
Kimberly has a tubetop with "Me" on her right breast, which is apparently its name.
Page spits in the camera - ahh, a fitting coda for this wonderful segment!
Hey, remember what Vince Russo said about it all coming together? Don't you wish Downtown Dave had just thrown his prepared softballs out the window and asked him the REALLY HARD questions - like "Why does Fred keep ordering the ribs if he knows they're going to tip his car over?" and "If you were on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, who would your lifeline be?" and let's not forget "Let's say you and me were in a fight. Who would win?" There WAS a point in here - oh yeah. Russo's really full of shit. "After the pay per view and Nitro, you'll see what I meant." Hey, I may not be an "Internet wrestling expert" yet but I'll get there someday, I'm sure. It's not WHAT you did, it's HOW you did it. You can tell me I'm wrong all you want, but so far the numbers haven't exactly been on YOUR side...have they?
TERRY FUNK v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY & RALPHUS for the World Hardcore championship - By the way, you didn't PAY to see this match last night, did you?
Wait a minute...that outtie isn't his bellybutton...it's his....OH JESUS
Last night, a SHOCKING turn - David Flair on his very own father! (wefirstsawitoverayearago)
Didn't Ric Flair already have a match for the Great American Bash? Wait, there goes my memory again, remembering stuff that happened five days ago
Strangely enough, Luger's music is playing here...oh, wait, this is THE MAIN EVENT CHUCK PALUMBO coming out to Total Package's music, entrance video, lighting treatment, wardrobe and posedown sequence. Funny moment: Tony says "Who in the world does he think he is?" and nobody with a headset, but at the same time EVERYONE WATCHING AND ALSO TALKING BACK TO THEIR TV SCREEN says "Total Package!"
I wonder how this live crowd feels about having gone 58 minutes without any in-ring action?
You know, they keep SAYING that there's wrestling coming up, but durned if *I* haven't seen it.
The definition of irony, I believe, is hearing Bischoff say "Would you shut the hell up? Man alive! Do you EVER get tired of hearing your own stupid voice?"
Whip by Awesome, got him in a sidewalk slam - DAMN he dropped him right on his neck. Awesome's nearly killed two people in two days dropping them on their heads. What a find he is!
Jarrett calls Okerlund "Jurassic Slapass" and Okerlund tries to retort with "Hey, blow it out your--" but Jarrett gives him a stare.
We see Bagwell holding the tag titles - "I got the belt back, Mom!" See, he's talking to an undefeated tag team champion - oh, hell, never mind.
When we come back, Steiner is doing a little softshoe to entertain the crowd. Well, he isn't, but you have to admit it sure would be entertaining!
Some familiar music fires up - but when we look backstage, Doug Dillenger is knocking on the door of ... YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT YEAHBABY. He's doing a *mean* Gillberg impersonation, that one. The camera follows Abbott for a while...now he's out where the pryo would normally go off - we wait an EXCRUICIATING eight seconds - and the pyro finally does go off. Wow, he's doing a DAMN fine Gillberg impersonation here.
Tony: "I've stopped trying to figure this program out a long time ago!"
Amazingly, even with a flat surface in front of her, Elizabeth STILL manages to trip up on her way down the aisle.
Hey, you know it's GREAT and all that they like saying "her FIRST wrestling match EVER!" Only...well, there was that match with Rhonda Sing. Oh, and that match with Meng. But I guess, since that was almost six months ago, we shouldn't be expected to remember them. Oh, but didn't Russo help book THOSE matches, too? No, see, back THEN the story was that LUGER owned Liz, and not RUSSO...ohhhhh my head hurts.
The IDIOT commentator actually tries to pass off "that chair's a DQ, I'm guessin'" - I mean this is like Mike Graham booking a DQ loss for "undefeated" Sid Vicious on Thunder and then everybody just EXPECTING that we'll forget it next Monday...only, THIS HAPPENED ABOUT ONE MINUTE AGO. But remember, for Vince Russo, *it's all about logic.* Send all complaints to ringmaster@wrestleline.com and see if THEY give a crap either.
I GET LETTERS: Ian Wajand saves me a bit of bother: I went ahead and transcribed the end of the Lis - Daphney "match" for you: Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding
174 in all give or take a couple of "Ding's"
I GET LETTERS: Ian Wajand writes one more time: That was for the LIZ - Daphney match, not "Lis".
Guess I can't spell when there's A GODDAMN BELL RINGING IN MY EARS
I think Hudson asked for the giant cane to appear and swipe Guerrera away - well, maybe I'm just dreaming.
Hey, you don't think they're gonna take Hogan out to the desert and leave him there, do you? We look backstage again as a garage door raises and the car containing Hogan drives really fast - only to be stopped by ... by ... the Goldberg monster truck! Everyone gets out of the car and runs away because they FEAR the MIGHTY GOLDBERG MONSTER TRUCK!!!
OH MY GOD IT'S A CROW!!!!!! AND HE'S CHAINED TO THE SCAFFOLDING! A **SCARY** CROW!!!!! Hey, wouldn't it have been funny if he'd crapped on Sting as he walked under him? THAT would have been a power!
Sting motioning to the crowd - and they respond. As they should - this is like the first match they've seen all freakin' night, already.
Yup, there's CRAPPIN' IN A BUCKET, THEN JOBBIN' VAMPIRO come to pull Sting under the ring - a fire extinguisher goes off under the ring as the commentators give us "what's all that smoke filling the ring?" Crowd chants "Bullshit" as Sting emerges with red stuff all over him.
Meanwhile, outside the arena, Tank Abbott & Rick Steiner are ready to get into that car - but oh! The SCARY GOLDBERG MONSTER TRUCK appears and crushes it. And now - it's STUCK on the corpse of the car and CAN'T MOVE! Oh, the humanity! Something totally cool has been reduced to a total laughingstock! THIS - IS - WCW!!
"Y'know guys, I know I can be a real tease sometimes - but if you got it, I say flaunt it, and baby, I got it goin' on, now hit MY music." Well, they play Candido's music, but oh well. It's not that she doesn't got it, but it's all that stuff she's got ON TOP of it.
Tonight, a very up close and personal interview with Vampiro! Call your mom!
Vince Russo takes the Badlanders to New York City - while Daffney plays in traffic, David Flair gets his first look at a naked woman. Hey, this isn't GIULIANI'S New York!
Q: Why is "fruit booty" muted when "slapnuts" isn't? A: RACISM!
Funk comes to the ring with a chicken in each hand - methinks I have been saved play-by-play duties! SALMONELLA LEFT! SALMONELLA LEFT!
Time now for the SHOCKING Vampiro interview - Mike Tenay provides the boldface...Vampiro supplies the puffy shirt (black, naturally)
Tenay asks aloud what a fired guy is doing out there, and I'm glad SOMEBODY who wasn't me did.
RHONDA SING v. LIZ - Sing comes out to the music they usually give Tammy - yuk it up, it's all downhill from here!
Silverman calling for the bell even though he's outside the building - he's so wacky.
Palumbo is happy to slap around Luger now that he's maced and cuffed - run into a door. "I'm the Main Event! I'm the Main Event! IIIIIIIII AAAAAAAM THE MOOOOOOOUNTIEEEEEEEE!"
We zoom in on some goings on behind him as we walks (he's WALKING!) away - it's Norman Smiley and Ralphus with a "Will Wrestle For Food" sign. It'd be wrong of me to ask how they got from St. Louis to Springfield, so I won't
Almost immediately, YOU KNOW WHO comes out to "American Made" and cleans house of all four men, 'cause, you know, he's *Hulk Hogan* and all.
How many performers DOES it take to qualify a segment for clusterfrickery?
Tenay: "He [Anderson] can't use his left hand, either!" Anderson puts him in a choke and trades places in the corner - left, left, left, left, left, left, oh well.
THIS time, however, JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE comes out with a sparkler in each hand - not only is this a better parody, but it saves a ton of money on pyro.
One more New York vignette - David asks Daffney if she'll marry him - and she screams yes. Oh boy, I hope they put the wedding on Nitro and it turns out that Daffney's already married earlier!
"THE CAREER KILLER" MIKE AWESOME v. (THIS IS) STING in an ambulance match - There's a great joke for Awesome's new nickname, but it's 5am, I'm really tired and can't think of it at the moment.
EPIC: Ready to Rumble made about $20K more than last weekend, but still dropped two spots to #37 for the week ($116,971 - $12,270,132 total) It's still playing on 379 screens - you do the match and figure out the average - oy
I can BARELY hear our commentators in this audio mix - not that I'm complaining.
Wow. See, you had me with the wrestling...then you kinda lost me with the spooky supernatural shit. Still, maybe somebody's coming around on the "wrestling" bit. Of course, there's an equal chance that the next eight quarter hours will suck ass, so let's not jump the gun here.
Captain Rection addresses the Misfits in Action - I know you couldn't sleep all week wondering what Hammer and Guerrero's new names were - well, Van Hammer is now "Major Stash," and Chavo Guerrero Jnr is now "Lieutenant Loco." For some reason they're all wearing "F.U.B.A.R." T-shirts - one would think that that's got something to do with this angle, but not in the way that they're thinking about.
Rection says they have a new cadet - "Major Guns" - a blonde with big breasts. Maybe it's my nostalgic memory, but GLOW was funnier than this.
The Animals are now comprised of Konnan, Rey Mysterio and Juventud Guerrera. They have new music, a new entrance, and they don't wrestle anymore.
Oh, FUBAR is supposed to stand for something something Bischoff and Russo - now, why didn't *I* think of that? Oh...because my mind is CONSTANTLY FILLED WITH THOUGHTS OF BISCHOFF AND RUSSO. Well, maybe next week.
Crowbar ducks a clotheline and turns to the ring as if to say "Hey, Tammy, how about a baseball slide dropkick to this chair?" so she does. Tammy with the WEAKEST CHAIRSHOT IN THE WORLD.
Inside the ring, Tammy hits a Stone Cold Stunner, which apparently has no effect, as Daffney rolls her up - 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new world Cruiserweight champion - only...who is it? (5:19)
Outside the arena, Sting walks to his car...only, it's on fire. Sting looks pissed - now he'll NEVER make it back to his hotel room in time for RAW!
WCW.com presents the Nitro pre-show - "Reload!" Featuring a REAL load - 1 Bob Ryder!
Luger goes into his pants and pulls out - a protective cup. "All right, let's talk about this - open the door! open the door! Liz kicks him in the nards, then takes the cup from the Package and rubs it in his face (stinkyface! stinkyface! Oh, sorry.)
Scott Steiner tells Russo that he's not wrestling tonight - he's gonna wait out in the alley for his brother and Tank "because there's too many frickin' rules in wrestling!" Umm...WHAA??
Hey, I forgot to mention earlier - Russo's voice sure cracks a lot, don't it?
(Okay, perhaps not as much as Lawler's)
Cat is referred to as "Eric Bischoff's shadow" - probably because he's black.
Page's trick knee acts up (we GUARANTEE a crotch shot per quarter hour)
Backstage, we see that Kevin Nash is watching on a monitor...probably trying to figure out a way to turn on Flair, Russo, Flair, Jarrett and Schiavone...all at the same time!
Flair asks Robinson to check with the timekeeper, then Golotas Jarrett. Hey Flair, you can do that in plain sight of the ref these days, buddy, but God bless ya for doing it YOUR way, I guess.
Jarrett over - into the ropes, head down - inside cradle - 1, 2, 3!!!!!!!!!!!! Ladies, and gentlemen - fifteen times. (6:19)
And finally, from Cory McGuire: With a captain, a major, a corporal, and a lieutenant already in the group weren't you a little surprised the female member wasn't Private Parts. I know I am.
Congratulations, Cory...you've just moved to the head of the line as "men to replace Russo."
Your hosts are the AWESOME 3 - we have a new Heavyweight Champion of the world - I won't say "the fifth in five weeks" because some of you might accuse me of COMPLAINING - oops
Wow! "Stone Cold" is airing tomorrow! I think it's in the TBS charter that they have to play that once a quarter...
If it's Thunder, it must be the Thunder Tailgate Party! All praise to Finish Line! Strange - they showed Buff Bagwell signing autographs...but...wasn't he suspended? You mean...this set of clips might NOT have been from that day's Thunder Tailgate party? Oh man...now I can't believe in NOTHIN' no more.
Okay, back to my thought. "Hmmm, I see..." Hmm, I see three guys in the ring there. One guy is getting the push. Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan. Yeah, boy...things SURE is diff'rnt.
Outside, Total Package is driving off - and asks the security dude where the nearest gym is. Wait a minute - a MAN asking for DIRECTIONS?? Wrestling's GOTTA be fake!!
Goldberg needs one more Spree - just one more
CRZ
The Last Man Watching Thunder
EPIC: Ready to Rumble made $57,010 over the weekend, finishing 48th for the week. I'll make a deal with you - if nobody mentions this movie on Nitro tonight, I won't report the numbers next week.
It's great hearing Tony talking about being right before the NBA Playoffs, since I'VE JUST SEEN THEM.
Booker fails to breakdance (he must hate that "spinerooni" call or something) and instead grabs the kendo stick.
Hogan: "Looks like Nash is late again!" Sting: "That's his gimmick!"
Daffney checks on Crowbar, but in the process ends up making contact while referee "Blind" Mickie Jay counts 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, this division is officially in the shitter. (3:02)
Ralphus and Smiley look for a car to wash for money. A low-rider pulls up. Go figure, Konnan is behind the wheel.
We look at Brandy...who's going to jump the rail. Well, that's just brilliant - who does she think she is, Reid Flair?
Awesome rolls down in a wheelchair and Pitbull #1 getup, which is actually pretty damn funny. Awesome cuts a promo as "'Ironsides' Chris Kanyon" which is much funnier if I let you imagine it rather than type out what he said.
We cut backstage to see them brawl down the entry position, into a door, and toward the ambulance - ahh, THERE is DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, springing from the ambulance with a chair - putting Awesome in the ambulance, which drives off. Meanwhile, Wall is all over Douglas. Kneelift, into a cement column. Choke. Let's leave this and cut to
Stasiak, Flair, Awesome, Douglas, Jarrett and Russo are shoving the casket and stifling laughter. Liz and Palumbo bring up the rear. Wait a minute---Awesome? MIKE AWESOME? MIKE AWESOME WHO JUST PULLED OUT OF THE PARKING LOT IN THE AMBULANCE? And you think I'm *biased* to make fun of THIS shit? Do they PAY people to handle continuity on this show? (Obviously not.) Do they CARE about how BUSH LEAGUE they look? How many LAME mistakes must be made, week after week, before someone realises this reflects on the OVERALL CRAPPY PRODUCT?? When you write me and bitch "you wouldn't be this hard on the WWF if they did this," do you understand that the reason I DON'T is because the WWF DOESN'T FUCK UP THIS ROYALLY?
Well, we're halfway done. I don't know about you, but I already feel like I need a shower.
Russo walks over to the casket to put the Rolex in it - a hand rises up and KEVIN NASH chokes Russo - then throws him to the floor. Tony ACTUALLY SAYS "He rose from the grave - he's the ghost of Ric Flair's career!"
Chyron actually says "Tankberg" but to me, he's JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE.
Somebody compares the sound to "the sound of a potato chip being crunched" - a sound, I would suggest, the speaker is INTIMATELY familiar with.
Back live, Package has a lot of fake blood on him and Page is FREAKIN' OUT, MAN.
JOBBIN' VAMPIRO (with gas - no, gasoline - and a torch) v. YOU KNOW WHO - Vampiro's music still playing as we start, oops. Highlight of this match is Hogan no-selling Vampiro's superkick out on the floor. I'm just waiting for the run-in, myself. Hogan DOES manage to take out the commentary table, but not long enough.
Somebody actually has the gall to say "You might see phony DQ's somewhere else - you might see cluster finishes somewhere else - you won't see 'em here!" WHAT THE FUCKING HELL SHIT HAVE I BEEN WATCHING ALL GODDAM NIGHT, YOU STUPID FAT PRICK? Let's rattle 'em off! Cat vs. Booker - Stasiak runs in Daffney vs. Crowbar - Candido and Tammy run in Kidman vs. Horace - Hogan runs in Awesome vs. Wall - "clean finish" - Douglas and Page wait until *after* the match to chime in Steiner vs. Steiner - Abbott runs in Palumbo vs. Page - Awesome runs in Vampiro vs. Hogan - Kidman runs in That's right, as soon as I'm done typing this up, BILLY KIDMAN is out and he's got the blowtorch. Now, *I* spell it C-L-U-S-T-E-R-F-ASTERISK-C-K-I-N-G-F-ASTERISK-C-K. Vampiro covers for the pin. 1, 2, 3. (4:45) "You won't see 'em here!" Just stick your face back in the potato chips.
Idiot.
Captain Rection calls for Gunns to do the revival job - she says she can't do it...but relents after bring ordered. (Yeah, I know, Major outranks Captain - tell somebody else who didn't know)
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight - wow, lookit Nash GRIMACE as he labours to get out from under all those HEAVY coffin pillows!
Once again, the world of REAL sports pre-empted our semi-weekly sojourn into the world of fake (yet...more highly rated) sports.
She motions to Candido to bring over Daffney - but it goes awry when she ends up hitting *Candido* instead. They fall backwards - referee "Blind" Charles Robinson counts - 1, 2, 3. I miss Ultimo Dragon. (2:08)
Meanwhile, Smiley and Ralphus (how'd the get to Saginaw from Grand Rapids?) provide us with their Mark Madden impersonation by displaying a table full of Amway products.
Kimberly chatters while Elizabeth reacts - she asks her to put some lotion on her back. Before every 14-year-old's fantasy comes true, we cut to...
As Smiley and Ralphus enter (Ralphus in a gorilla suit - don't ask, just accept)
Douglas fingers the asshole of the gorilla suit - hey, this is TV-PG stuff, folks!
Ralphus is picking his ass - if you don't think this is funny...well...I guess you're not the target audience WCW is catering to.
Hey, if you're in the crowd, and you wish to raise your arms in celebration of being there...check your pits first. Sweaty pits, going out to the nation...do you really want that? Yeah, YOU might not care...but what if you were a woman?
In a SHOCKING moment of clarity, Tony asks rhetorically "what is she trying to *accomplish* with this?
Hey, notice how Russo can't even let her finish the lines (or jokes) before he steps on them? Now THAT, mah frien's, is a real hardon.
Now, let me say one more thing. Even though I'm a biased, subjective, caustic smartass about this whole thing....before you mail me....at LEAST give me credit for transcribing this whole sumbitch - for YOU! I mean...*sure*, I thought it sucked, but I *still* did the job.
In typical WCW fashion, the big entrance is ruined when one side of the curtain fails to fall. I pile it on because I'm BIASED.
Is Rick wearing a T-shirt that says "BIG ASS?" What the hell is THAT about?
GI Bro used to be a Shotgun Saturday Night jobber - I mean, a bona fide, eighties throwback JOBBER jobber - but that was a different guy. Yeah, I know that Booker used it back in Texas in front of crowds of tens, but who remembers THAT?
Booker T should be WCW World Heavyweight Champion. Booker T *is* GI Bro, hanging with Lash LeRoux and Van Hammer. It's enough to depress you if you haven't already been sensitized to all this madness by WCW long, LONG ago.
Listening to our commentators talk about the "human torch" match coming up, I'm reminded of Disneyland's quickly pulled slogan for their fireworks show the summer after the King verdict and riots - "Be there when the night ignites." The reason I bring this up is that Tony Schiavone has just about as much tact trying to make puns.
Time to stop writing down Page's third-rate Diceman impression and just tell you that Kimberly ends up over Page's knee and gets a spanking - at least, I *think* that's what happens. We end up TSN'ing the shot - how nice, they found some stunned children to cut to.
Hit the pyro! WE ARE LIVE from the E Center in Salt Lake City, UT Memorial Day 2K on TNT, thirteen days away from the Great American Bash, and the first names mentioned in the hype are Bischoff and Russo, so you KNOW it's WCW!
KEVIN NASH, who is the current WCW Champion and may very well be for at least the next two hours, makes his way to the ring.
"Nature Boy...got a little present for ya, my man. I've thought about this long and hard - you never lost this belt. It don't feel right being a champion that--has got a belt in his hand, as far as I'm concerned...'til you lose this belt, Nature Boy, this belt's yours." Wow, who had eleven minutes in the pool?
Backstage, a gasoline tanker pulls up. Oh, no, that's just Vampiro's ride.
Meanwhile, Miss Hancock is WALKING! But why does Madden want to smoke weed and watch Kevin Smith movies?
Commentators act all confused, 'cause they don't know that *this is a shoot, baby* and David and Skye are real-life fiancees and shit, and it's a SHOOT and that's why it's so cool, 'cause it's a SHOOT, well anyway
Page and Bro with a double uranage off the ramp and through a table. Hudson outright steals a line from Bobby Heenan - "Mike Awesome was 31 years old" - and I expect better from him.
Horace and Kidman part different ropes for Torrie - an action too subtle for our "top of the hour" commentators to notice - or point out - so I don't know why *I* would do it. After all, it's not MY job to get storylines over, is it.
Bischoff has a parting gift for Hogan - it's the special guest referee. The special guest referee is....Horace. Horace. What, Savio Vega wasn't available?
Strangely enough, around twenty seconds after the hour, the music fires up and COLD BEER power walks out. In a shocking display of chickenheartedness, referee "Blind" Mark Johnson calls for the bell before any interference even takes place! (relaxed DQ 1:21)
Goldberg offers a hand to Nash - "Kev, Kev, it's me...Bill! Remember when I lovingly brushed aside your hair?" Sure enough, they hug.
Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff does some giant ranting and kicks over some furniture - hey, he's doing his Pat Patterson impersonation!
Another look at our commentators. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, TUBBY!
Friday, Diamond Dallas Page had a surprise waiting for him when he returned to his house - all his stuff out on the lawn, the locks changed, and two of Smyrna's finest ready to keep him from getting into the house! I don't know what's funnier - Page's sleeveless "Sopranos" T-shirt and Yankees cap (stolen from Russo?), the fact that he says "rib" a couple hundred times, Kimberly's INCREDIBLY poor acting, or the acting of the cops.
Did you notice that Kimberly's nipples stiffen up when she gets on THE STICK? This must be A SHOOT, BABY!
Well, here's LIZ. "You know what, Kimberly? *Everybody's* sick of you - and they're sick of your lowlife friends, especially Bischoff and Russo! You wanted me out here? Well, I'm here. So what do you want?" Kimberly tells Awesome and Palumbo to get her. Geez, Elizabeth is pretty stupid this week.
Liz sure seems kinda - extra shiny - tonight.
HORACE is out as well, because it takes FIVE MEN to take down the mighty Hogan. They DO manage do take off the red and yellow shirt.
Hey, maybe if we just ring the bell some more, everything will turn out all right.
Hey, you know there are people who will ACTUALLY try to convince you that Billy Kidman got elevated in this whole cluster finish because he actually got a pinfall. The only problem is, he was IMMEDIATELY beaten down by several OTHER faces - not the least of which was his PPV opponent - as well as the fact that the only reason he GOT the pin is because he had help on HIS side...oh, but yeah. He's REALLY getting elevated.
Flair runs the apron, ducks a clothesline, hits one of his own - to the top rope - DOUBLE AXEHANDLE!!!!!! Russo on the apron, right hand for Russo! Tony: "Down goes Russo! Down goes Russo! Down goes Russo!" And the thing that I LOVED about this was that Tony was NOT going to let Madden get his smartass crack about Flair's move hitting for the first time since the first Starrcade out...and he was JUST DYING to say it to let everybody know how smart he was.
Jarrett covers - 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, for the second time tonight, we have a new World Heavyweight Champion. (7:44)
Aww, geez, ANOTHER two hours of Thunder? But it's so LAAAAAATE.....and I'm so TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRED...
THERE'S your whining!
CHRIS CANDIDO (without ... umm, what was her name? You know, the one with the big...yeah) v. TERRY FUNK for the World Hardcore Championship - Candido comes out in gear astonishingly similar to Funk's. Oh, wait, he's gonna tell us where Tammy went - maybe: "You know, I'm out here all by myself tonight...'cause I was finally given something to do...you know I left the WWF and the ECW because I wasn't good at takin' direction. But I finally found a boss that has some smarts - because he has given me - ME! - he has given me the chance tonight to take out Terry Funk and bring the hardcore belt right to Eric Bischoff. So just like an old horse - when he gets old, they take him in the back and they put one in his held. So Funk, bring your wrinkled old ass out here, 'cause I'm gonna kick it!" Wow - that was A SHOOT, BROTHER!
We cut to our commentators, the AWESOME 3, because we apparently have no cameras ready backstage. I actually kinda dig that - THAT'S a nice way to try to give some "realism" to what's going on. Tony is so flustered, he tries to refer to himself as Mike, but quickly corrects himself before we can make fun of him, except through sneaky means...hey, wait...also, a bird is pixellated in here.
You can't show a middle finger but face first into manure is JUST FINE. God bless America!
Then a horse decides to kick Funk in the shoulder - now THAT'S a shoot! That horse ain't pullin' those kicks! Candido never crawled so fast! Schiavone proclaims it one of the biggest highspots of the night - that's funny AND sad simultaneously.
Outside once again, the "paparazzi" are gather as Kimberly makes her "entrance." She strikes several "poses." This is "entertaining."
Crowd chants "Russo sux" - hey, is that heel heat or suck heat? Does Russo know the difference?
Kidman roughly grabs Torrie by the wrist to lead her out. He's so mean! I think I'll boo him!
Kimberly displays her impressive acting talents - that is to say, the left one and the right one. She *does* use the word "gauche" to remind us of her many degrees.
Tenay reminds us of the evils of backyard wrestling. Kids, stay in school, and after you graduate, attend the Power Plant - it's the HARVARD of professional wrestling!
We zoom in on Tenay with a wide-eyed, yet pensive look on his face. And by "pensive," I mean "his normal facial expression."
At this point, I break from play-by-play to give you this shining example of commentator repartee:
Heenan: I'm glad he finally got rid of that trenchcoat.
Smiley demonstrates some mat technique on their "shooter" champion. The crowd "oohs" and "aahs" this exciting display of ankle locks, crossfaces, and three-quarter nelsons, proving that you're never too young to think that sports entertainment SUCKS.
Russo with a Shane-O-Mac-esque shuffle - oh, sorry, that wasn't fair of me to compare it to...hell, it's the same Goddam outfit, even!
Hey, remember how you used to write me and say that WCW was superior to the WWF 'cause the WWF had Vince McMahon wrestle while WCW NEVER had Vince Russo wrestler? You're biased.
The hooches hit the ring to check on Scott as Heenan thoughtfully observes "Boy, this is a cluster here, guys!" BOBBY HEENAN IS THE MOTHERFUCKING MAN.
Here's your advance warning: I've *totally* half-assed it tonight - I mean, even more than normal. The way things are going here, it's just not worth it.
WCW logo - it's pointy
Must...control...urge ...to...make.....ironic....comment...
Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where this team won the titles via means so devious I've already forgotten about them.
Kevin Nash and Bill Goldberg do the Wonder Twin Powers ring touch - Scott Steiner wishes him luck as well. Nash tells Goldberg (and the camera) that he owes him one. I'm guessing one of these guys will turn on the other, and somebody working for 1wrestling will call it "a brilliant swerve"
GI Bro takes on Perfectshawn in a Boot Camp match Sunday. No comment is necessary.
All ten men cluster it up in the ring post-match - Kidman wields the chair and the Animals come out on top. Who cares. Booker T vs. Billy Kidman used to be my DREAM MATCH PPV MAIN EVENT. Look what they've done to WCW. You want to turn away, don't you - LOOK AT IT!!
Kim accuses Hancock of trying to steal her spotlight, then ACTS VERY POORLY.
Johnny puts the trashcan lid on Funk's privates, and Vito makes martial with a broomstick. The beating will continue until morale improves.
Oh yeah...let me tick these off before YOU get ticked off...I'm not a journalist, I'm not objective, I'm not impartial, and don't you DARE think I'm supposed to even INSINUATE otherwise.
Flash forward to Midajah hitting a plancha on Vampiro from the top rope - yeah, Midajah's a FREAKIN' LUCHADORE now.
Vampiro turns to her and threatens the gas and torch. We get a horror movie of Midajah tripping and crawling, then crabwalking backwards down the aisle as Vampiro threatens to dose her and torch her, like this was some second-rate Wes Craven or something.
Vampiro is getting a push! Can't you see it in the way he submitted? (5:11)
JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE (with TV-14-DL ratings box) v. JOBBED TO A LIMOUSINE WINDOW
Hudson says "Dusty finish" but even the smarts have tuned out by now.
Hancock removes her glasses and starts undulating - Kimberly shoves her down. Hancock rips the "M" off her "Me" shirt. Hudson: "Now it's all about e!"
Oh my - he's transformed from Hulk to Hollywood - I hope we get some serious Yapapi Strapation - YES! THE WEIGHT BELT IS OFF!
So, having just seen that, do you feel like paying to see it again on Sunday?
Pamela Paulshock interviews the Flair family, and sounds like she's trying REALLY hard to get that entire question out before she forgets it.
Scott Steiner with some final words of luck for Kevin Nash. I didn't hear it but I think it was like "good luck, man - I'm gonna turn on you soon, but it'll be a complete shock, okay?"
KEVIN NASH runs the Gauntlet - Quick prediction: Nash squashes everybody, ostensibly burying everybody that people SWEAR are getting pushes. Hey, let's hope I'm wrong...
Here comes CHRIS CANDIDO. Big boot. Truckstop powerbomb. As JOHNNY THE BULL comes in, referee "Blind" Mark Johnson drops and counts to three - despite the fact that NO part of Kevin Nash is touching ANY part of Chris Candido. What the HELL kinda rules are THESE? He doesn't even have to COVER them to get the fall? Why isn't HE getting pinned? THEY'RE not touching HIM either! Ugh. (:25)
Yeah, Nash went through a dozen New Blood members in just over two minutes. Now, keep in mind that this is only MY opinion - it may not necessarily be yours. THIS WAS A FUCKING JOKE.
Listen here: They hyped it, incessantly and unceasingly, for a week. They took out a FULL PAGE BACK OF THE SPORTS SECTION AD in the Monday USA Today at great expense - in which they put him in a Christlike pose (even with light positioned as halo!) and said "HE'S BACK." They did ALL THIS and STILL they only managed a 2.9 when it came time to give Goldberg his segment on Nitro.
Now what're they gonna do?
No sooner does the sentence finish than "Theme from Wolfpac" fires up and out comes KEVIN NASH, carrying a bat. Hmm, perhaps THIS is the World Entrance Federation?
Have you ever noticed all that grey in Nash's goatee?
This portion of Thunder is brought to you via Western Union. I WISH! I could refuse delivery!
We learn that Tygress is Rey Mysterio's girlfriend - or at least that's what Tony says, we don't hear her because HER HEADSET ISN'T WORKING. Oh, now it IS working - imagine Rosie Perez on the Jerry Springer show, and you have Tygress in a nutshell. Hey, remember the good old days when her headset wasn't working?
Meanwhile, Kidman tries to get back in good graces with Torrie - but she's all "yeah, whatever" and he's all "baby PLEASE" and she's all "would you stop looking at my ROOTS?"
Great American Bash features Billy Kidman vs. Hulk Hogan with Horace as the special referee - title shot vs. career. Hey, wanna know how *I'D* book this? Horace DQ's Hogan at 0:00, ending his career. YEAH! I'd pay for THAT!
Cat says something about "lube jobs at the Waffle House." I was gonna go back and check, but I don't care
Off in the distance, we see the SCARY GOLDBERG MONSTER TRUCK. Mike and Tony *swear* that means Goldberg is here, even though the ONE time we actually SAW him with that truck...*he wasn't even driving it*
After a respectable pause, Wall performs a zombie situp and chases after Douglas, climbing over the top rope in the process - THAT'S IT!! He's NEW DIESEL!! Do the WWF lawyers know about this?
JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE v. KEVIN NASH - It takes all of eight seconds for RICK WOOF WOOF to come out and Mickie Jay to call for the bell to be rung a million times (relaxed DQ :13) - this match's end actually beats the WHOOSH logo, and that's no mean feat.
Hey, just when you thought it was safe..."Crazy Ol' Pop" is back. Remember him? The pantsless father of Hugh Morrus, escaped from the mental ward and....yeah, that guy. Now, he IS wearing pants - in fact, he's clad in the garb of a three-star general. We can only hope his new name is something like "General Lylamepatheticandstupidbeyondbelief" and perhaps he'll trade in his helment for one that's purple so somebody can make some dick jokes.
A short, top of my head list of people I would rather have seen return than Hugh's father: La Parka, Silver King, El Dandy, Damien, Villano IV, Villano V, Lizmark Jr., Hector Garza, Fit Finlay, Steve Regal, Meng, Barry Horowitz, Lane, Rave, Sonny Siaki, Elix Skipper, Eric Watts, Marty Jannetty, Reese, Steve McMichael, Joe Gomez, Pez Whatley, Rip Rogers, Jumpin' Joey Maggs, Col. Rob Parker, Chris Cruise, Sonny Onoo, Hardbody Harrison, "Hard Work" Bobby Walker, Billy Two Eagles, the Rock 'n' Roll Express, the Midnight Express, and Big Van Vader. I'm probably forgetting somebody but don't feel like you need to email me YOUR list. Send it to ringmaster@wrestleline.com insetad - they LOVE your feedback!
Advance Auto Parts presents This Week in WCW Motorsports! At Dover Downs, Blaise Alexander apparently placed SO well, the voiceover only refers to his mysterious finish as "valuable experience."
GENE O. works tonight! Well, as soon as his mic works...he welcomes out YOU KNOW WHO, who wears black and comes out to the NWO porno theme. More unwelcome comeback: Rection's father or Hollywood Hogan?
Steiner Recliner. Palumbo gives it up. (1:30) Steiner can beat BOTH tag champs in ninety seconds, yet GI Bro and Captain Rection....oh my head hurts.
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON, and - WHOA! Hudson is one HAIRY mofo. He's topless tonight, yet still wearing a tie...apparently, last week Hudson made an apology for the audience having to see Russo sans shirt, and his current wardrobe choice is a punishment for that crack. I think the ratings just slipped another .1. MAN that's one WHITE dude. I guess it's true what they say about not having it up top...it just spreads all over the rest of your body. Okay, that's enough white male bashing.
Johnny the Bull says something about a cheese sandwich and Vito locks him in a locker room - fortunately, the mic is on the other side of the door, so we hear him clear as a bell.
Cat is WALKING! He's drawn the "spend the entire show looking for somebody" straw tonight! And he's looking for Hogan!
Meineke brings you the close captioning - if you get bored, hit mute and try to read along!
Somewhere backstage, Vampiro talks to - whozzat, King Curtis? The Higher Power? Emperor Palpatine? The guy providing La Parka's dubbed voice? THE UNDERTAKER? "Sullivan....." Okay, serious now.
Earlier Today, there was a very special press conference, where Paisley announced that "the Artist formerly known as Prince Iaukea from this day forward shall be known only as the Artist!" Ummm, the chyron had already managed to make that change MONTHS ago. Oh well.
Somebody actually says "What a great cruiserweight champion Lt. Loco is turning out to be! He's wrestling better every day - he's bringing action back to the cruiserweight division!" Two years ago, Chavo was cheating to win for Uncle Eddie and was a HELL of a lot more entertaining. Also, his matches were a lot longer than two and a half minutes. Also there wasn't any outside interference. Also they had *actual wrestling* in the match. Also, Nitro's ratings were much better. Also, Larry Zbyszko and Bobby Heenan were doing *just fine* on colour commentary. AND JERRY FLYNN MADE GOLDBERG!!
BILLY KIDMAN comes out in the zebra shirt - he's the special guest referee, you see. The retroactive storyline is that Kidman knew all along he couldn't trust Horace...and he was right. Therefore Kidman is kind and good and we should all cheer him, or something. Thing was, it was *Torrie* that cost Kidman the match...oops, I've already forgotten and the commentators are making PERFECT sense
Nitro hits Montana next week - look for the Unabomber's good friends and other assorted militia men!
JOBBIN' VAMPIRO hits the ring. He's gonna reform the Dungeon of Doom! Bring on Braun the Leprechaun!
Kimberly announces that she now has an officially licensed product - "Positively MEEEEEE - the cologne for ladies." MSRP: $395 a bottle. Madden promptly offers to buy it - presumably, 'cause he can't get *close* enough to a woman to smell her.
During the Break, Russo actually unbuckled his pants and PISSED ALL OVER Ric Flair! Really! I wouldn't just make that up, would I?
Moments Ago, they actually shaved Ric Flair's head. Geez. Hey Ric, don't come back. You're too good for this dump.
Goldberg pulls up Nash by the head and turns him to his nephew. Goldberg kisses him! He's probably wanted to do that for YEARS!
I GET LETTERS: HUNDREDS of you took me to task for failing to make fun of Kimberly accidentally spraying HERSELF when she was aiming for the eyes of Miss Hancock. I respond thusly: You lousy bunch of nitpickers! Can't you EVER give WCW a break?!?
Let's play a game tonight - try to guess how many segments of tonight's show WON'T have Russo. We can call it "Who's the mark?"
Nitro hits Montana 'cause they're running out of markets they haven't killed yet!
Hey! No Russo in that last segment! Wahoo!
No wrestling, either, though. Damn, it's always SOMETHING with this show...
Champion enters first because he saw Triple H do it Monday.
Oops, here's the FILTHY ANIMALS coming out to punish me for actually trying out play-by-play during a Thunder report.
"And yet, all you people here have been brainwashed with the T-shirts and the posters. I hear you chanting his name, Sting." Crowd: "..."
Hey Vampiro, last week this time you were in a "big-money" feud with Sting. Tonight you're jobbing for Demon (Dale Torborg). Life's a bitch, ain't it?
Meanwhile, Russo (!) is WALKING! He hits the Cat's office. "He'll never think I'm stupid enough to hide in here!" Of course, Nash is hiding behind the potted plants. Nash IS a potted plant.
One of the women comes in and Golotas a security guy - Steiner shrugs off the other one. Okay, it's Shakira. Ahh, that's so Midajah can also come in, climb to the top and splash Cat. Silver King, El Dandy, Los Dos Villanos, Psychosis and La Parka have all been released...but at least they have *Midajah*.
Hayashi and Yang hit stereo Asai moonsaults to the floor, but the camera misses it. Oops. I guess they're not used to having to capture wrestling moves on this show, chuckle chuckle.
We cut to Cat, who is still looking for Scott Hall's contract - ahh, he's found it. Helpfully, the name "SCOTT HALL" is written in giant letters so we know what it is.
There's an uppercut between the legs - I watched Andrew Golota go a whole fight without hitting his opponent in the nuts, so I'm not gonna call it that anymore.
Juice talks a bit more as the two former Nitro Grrls form a brief alliance to take out that white bitch.
We look outside the ring, where Abbott has occupied himself with a fan. At first I thought it might have been Brad Armstrong, then I thought maybe it was Scott Dickenson, but it's neither. Maybe they had a full-grown son?
Dale Torborg and Asya share a private moment with millions of people.
Finally, somebody identifies the woman as Midajah for my benefit. I know, I know - what does it mean when I can tell Ron and Don Harris apart, but I get into trouble with Midajah and Shakira.
Okay, onto this thing. I'm better now. I had a beer.
Montana State's slogan is "If nobody else will take you, WE'LL give you a degree!"
...the Cat is in charge. Who knows WHAT could happen? Tonight: the new 3 Count single debuts! Will Lance Storm show up? Will something happen betwixt Vampiro and Dale Torborg? Where's Asya? How long DOES Rick Steiner's music go on? These questions and many more - MIGHT be answered - on this episode of...SOAP!
Schiavone: "Did you ever think you'd wanna see Bischoff and Russo come back?" Umm, NO.
Well, the cruiserweight champion's been pinned - of course, Mike Modest once got a pin on the cruiserweight champion and look what it did for HIM.
Asya's probably in the Unabomber's shack - oh wait, they confiscated that, didn't they. Sorry, that's the only Montana joke I've got...
WORLD HARDCORE TITLE: BIG VITO v. THE WALL - hey, I was *wondering* what happened to the Wall. And by that, I mean "I was HOPING we'd never have to see him wrestle again."
Bigelow has him up on his shoulder - there's the WORST Greetings from Asbury Park you've ever seen - 1, 2, 3.
David Flair catches up to Daffney - he wants to know what's wrong! "I saw you on Monday night with Miss Peacock!" Flair tries "that was two weeks ago," "that was Jeff Jarrett," "that was Major Stash," and "that was that new production guy." Flair says he was POSITIVE it wasn't him - SHE'S the only girl that he loves. She actually buys this. We can all learn from this man.
The music - some FAMILIAR music fires up, and it's undoubtedly BOOKA T. I guess he finally settled with J. Biggs, yuk yuk yuk.
Meanwhile, in the ring, 3 COUNT is out to debut their new hit single, "Sing Along with 3 Count." To say it's awful would be a disservice to the awful music out there.
Kronic's music starts - then we get the "record needle" sound effect and Booker T's "Beaver Cleavage" starts up in its place. On the ThunderVision, we see Palumbo & Stasiak yukking it up. Noticing that Kronic have seen them and are coming, they get up to walk out...only to find the door locked from the outside. Oh no! Maybe some of those production people next to them can help...oh, we probably weren't supposed to see them. So, tell me: are these guys SO addle-brained that they can't be bothered to unlock a door? Don't tell me they CAN'T! I know I'm supposed to let this go because Russo probably didn't write it, right? Naaah. Nuts to THAT.
Close captioning where available brought to you by Meineke! Have you noticed that they have that "limited time offer" EVERY week?
Some familiar music interrupts proceedings and HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN comes out with his 2x4 and his charisma.
MARK JINDRAK & SEAN O'HAIRE (already in the ring) v. RAYMOND STEREO & DE JUICE (with Disco Inferno & Konnan & Tygress) - Mysterio's cut off his Sisqo dyejob. I don't know why I decided to notice this instead of everything else - maybe because it's been SOOOO long that I had a nice plate of SQUASH.
Did you see George Foreman's appraisal of Mike Tyson's "I will eat his children (praise be to Allah)" speech as possessing a "pro wrestling" influence? He wasn't knocking wrestling when he did it, despite the way I've hacked up his comments into this paraphrasing. In fact, the way he said it, he made Tyson's whole bit SEEM to make PERFECT sense. And here *I* was thinking he was just TOTALLY INSANE. But of course! He's in "pro wrestling" mode! He doesn't MEAN all that shit! Wait a minute...where was I?
Wow, have they already fallen into a "Crash TV" trap or what?
I can't put into words how much the Mark's commentary S-U-C-K-S. And this has nothing to do with the fact that he can't stand me - even if I was his FAVOURITE guy in the world, his commentary would STILL suck. (And, you know, deep down, he luuuuvs me.)
Goldberg may be a heel, but he still eats SPREE!
Brush hair back, right, brush hair back, right, brush hair back, knee, knee, knee, brush hair back, elbow, brush hair back - YES! HE MAY BE FIGHTING FOR DUGGAN'S HONOUR BUT HE CAN *STILL* FRAME THAT ELBOW!!!!!!!!! oh and there was a crotch chop too.
DAMN you can get epilepsy from Steiner's lighting treatment.
I'll give a DOLLAR to the first guy to make reference to the long, storied history between these two...hmm, looks like it's me.
Hudson: "There's not a lot of animosity between these guys." Scott "Mr. History" Hudson says there's not a lot of ANIMOSITY between these guys? Shoot me now.
MISS HANCOCK hits the ring. "Do you know how - HARD it is to be a bad girl trapped up inside of a good girl's body? Sometimes I can't keep things straight - and sometimes I can't keep things - on. So hit my music!" What exactly does this have to do with "Mallrats" anyway?
Before any stripping commences, DAFFNEY UNGER hits the ring and - well, do your own Joey Styles impersonation here.
Telling Daffney to wear her "three dollar Salvation Army gown," Hancock promises to be wearing something "much...more...sexier." Oof. I guess the glasses just make her LOOK smart.
Torborg and Vampiro battle in the bowels of the building. No, I *don't* know what it's doing in the 9:45 quarter hour, but thanks for asking me!
Whoops, looks like Terry Taylor's honeymoon is almost up! Too bad, too, 'cause he still hasn't had the chance to re-sign Public Enemy!
What'll happen if Horace wins the title tonight? Well...for one thing, I'd give up recapping FOREVER.
Scott Steiner threatens Cat to make the match with Mike Awesome tonight, or he'll (muted phrase involving a nameplate paperweight and possibly a body cavity)
We go backstage to see Tank Abbott arriving - and WALKING! "What? I missed it? I can't believe it - MAN!" It's like he's acting and he doesn't WANT you to know he's acting, but it's so BAD that it's...well, you really had to see it.
WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. HORACE - Champion enters first because the challenger is a nephew of a Very Famous Person We Like To Keep Happy.
Look here now - we got Jeff Jarrett and Horace for the title. Honestly...do YOU smell ratings?
Vampiro breaks a mirror with his bat - oh no! That means seven more years of jobbin' in WCW!
Alexander introduces us to his "lucky helmet." Fortunately, he's fully clothed when he does it.
Thankfully, we are spared mic time from Konnan.
"Nutty Professor II: The Klumps" - coming soon - because somebody could NOT say "No" to Eddie Murphy
Steiner all over Awesome. Ten Punch Count Along is stopped at three as Awesome hits him in the shrunken testicles.
WCW logo - when I woke up, my pillow was gone
I wanna know who convinced Tank to act so goofy - and if he can convince some other folks to do some other stuff.
Let Us Take A Special Video Look at the Outsiders - aka "Happier Times When We Ruled the Ratings - Remember Them? By Golly, They'll Happen Again! Hahahahahahahaha!" - lookit Nash's hair colour morph!
What's the sound of Jindrak & O'Haire being shoved down our throats? *gaggggaggaggaggagchokearrghcoughhackgag* All three commentators waste no time verbally fellating these young studs out of the Power Plant. Hey guys, ask Lash LeRoux what it's like to be "flavour of the month..." and how much fun it is when you're NOT anymore.
Let's play "Edwin K. Starr Wouldn't DARE Sue Us" as Gunns rips up her T-shirt and shows off her new (hopefully) leak-proof implants.
Three NORWEGIAN OPERA SINGERS come out to Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" in full regalia. "...and if I said the fat lady was gonna sing, well you damn skippy that you're gonna hear some high octane, cholesterol powered arias, now come in here..." With great effort, the ladies manage to get their horned hats and breastplates between the ropes and hit the ring. THIS is competing with the start of RAW?
Jarrett's mic cuts out. Jarrett takes his gee-tar and kabongs the "Standards & Practices" guy. Well, I guess if you can't write a good punchline...
Let Us Take You Back to Last Wednesday where Franchise convinced Kanyon to take on Bagwell, and Booker T. got involved later...or something...hell, I don't remember...and I recapped the damn show!
Where's Stevie Ray and his "froot booty" when you need him?
Oh boy! Pokemon 2000 starts 21 July! I just got around to seeing the first one and MAN it was depressing. People take their KIDS to see that? Man!
Tony makes a big deal of the fact that they've got this on videotape - people get FIRED for bringing up potential plot holes like that, Tone.
AWESOME MULLET hits the ring, as he should in the final quarter hour.
Jeff Jarrett sells some more Tracfones - wow, it WASN'T a hallucination!
God, it never changes, does it? Nash just mows through everybody like an unstoppable Hogan - I mean, force. A giant, poorly booked, clusterfuck of a finish, dismal, depressing, awful, awful, awful, and awful. Still, it could be worse. Goldberg could be back to brushing back Nash's hair and tenderly looking him in the eyes...
WCW logo - one to hold it and four to rotate the first guy
That was...random.
Champs work REALLY HARD to sell their "sunburn" by going "ooh, ooh, ow, ooh" a lot. Hopefully, they're just painted up and didn't really sit in the tanning bed....this is WCW, so you never really know.
Kearce comes out to some bluegrass and removes his shirt. His posing routine apparently involves putting his shoulderblade out of alignment.
Adams calls in Kearce to help him deliver High Time to Stasiak. He tells Woody to cover him for the pin. Woody says "but I'm not the legal man - oh what the hell" and puts his knees on Stasiak's arms - 1, 2, 3. (2:51) Schiavone proclaims this segment "a Thunder moment." Heenan says "Deliverance." I say "Damn, it's JUST GREAT that they fired all the luchadores so they could get the GUY WORKING IN THE TRUCK over."
Loco actually tags in Gunns. They don't lock up - Guerrera is tagged back in. Gunns starts to rip her shirt...then tries a kick - Guerrera catches it. He rares up to punch her - but doesn't. So she kickis him in the 'nads. I think we've all learned a valuable lesson here.
Backstage, we see Steiner put on his sunglasses...and gives us "ohhh, my eyes hurt," and call for the trainer. Noooooo! Don't rinse with DASANI!!
*WHY* didn't the cameraman WARN him? That HEARTLESS BASTARD
After seeing this, I only have one question: what the heck did Hancock do with Los Fabulosos?
AWESOME MULLET v. RICK WOOF WOOF - Sign in crowd says "awsome mullet." *Where's my damn cheque?*
Steiner continues to sell partial blindness - not that it should affect his wrestling style, yuk yuk yuk.
By the way, who scripted Jarrett actually saying "El Kabong" and *where's my damn cheque?*
If nothing else, I think we settled a few facts that SHOULD have been previously known... but if they weren't, they're definitely better known now.
1) Booker T. can be carried
Guess what? Tonight, you got a glimpse. THIS is the future that will make WCW money. I wonder if anybody who isn't me is smart enough to pick up on it? AND I wonder if we can get there despite the seven quarters of gar-bahj that polluted up the show before the main?
Before they even get a chance to embrace, before we even get to enjoy this moment - the siren fires up and out comes MIDAJAH. God, I would KILL for somebody with a sense of pacing to handle this *correctly*. Arrrrgh.
SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER has hit the ring in the meantime, punking out Stevie Ray from behind with a white baseball bat - then Booker T. The bat is white. Ivory white. Lily white. White Thunder white. Turning to Booker's wife: "You wanna be with a real man? Huh?"
Well God damn, they sure know how to piss it away, don't they? Don't think for a MINUTE that they didn't ACCIDENTALLY give Steiner a PURE WHITE bat. I was hoping it would just be cynicism when I'd say "Booker T. is Vince Russo's Ron Simmons," but it isn't. Did you ever see "Mars Attacks!" Booker T. is Paul Winfield's General Casey. Welcome back, Russo - and fuck you.
Moments Ago - they started Steiner's music before they even got to embrace. "We're improving production!" MY ASS.
Torrie gets the mic, this'll be rich.
Abbott finally hits the ring and destroys the Dragons...but now GREAT MUTA is out and Abbott tastes the green mist. Crowd chants "Muta" while Kaz climbs the ladder and walks off with the gold record. Wow...I bet YOU were worried that they'd misuse Muta when they brought him back!
Backstage, Cat is WALKING! "That Steiner's interfered in his last match, I'm gonna take care of this chump!" Hey, you think he'll take care of Frachise and Torrie while he's at it? I mean, THEY interfered DURING a match - that's GOTTA be worse than AFTER a match....err, RIGHT?
Cat is WALKING! The music plays...you've seen the "Pink Panther" movies, right? The Jung Dragons are Kato.
Meanwhile, Paisley needs a shirt ironed for the Artist. She asks somebody wearing pink and slippers to take care of it - we pan up to see...well, he calls himself "Kiwi" and he watches a lot of Saturday Night Live. And he ate Chris Kattan. Paisley is suitably smitten. May I spell it out for you? This S-U-C-K-S. It isn't even funny when it's on SNL, fer cryin' out loud!
LANCE STORM v. THE ACRONYM (with Paisley) - "For those of you who came here tonight to see the sideshow antics of sports entertainment, are gonna be a little disappointed with me. I do not dance. I do not sing. All I do is wrestle." That's it, he's fired.
"You're not supposed to talk over ANY national anthem." Hey, I liked this better the first time...when *the Amazing French Canadians did it.*
Vampiro is getting intimate with his casket. And he's WALKING!
Damn, I thought this was the end, but it's just the beginning. THE ANGLE THAT WILL NEVER EVER DIE.
"Be a man! Do it, Dale! Do it! Do it! Be a juggalo!" If you don't know what a juggalo is, count yourself lucky.
Last night, Tony Schiavone kept Mark Madden from saying a line he was just DYING to say at the end of the pay-per-view. "Hulk Hogan, you can go to hell. Straight to hell." Madden SO wanted the line, but Schiavone talked right up to signoff and didn't give him the chance. I take back everything I've ever said about Schiavone, because this isn't the first time he's managed to pull that off.
Steiner and Goldberg making eyes - war of words - OH MY GOD, THEY'RE MAKING OUT!! No, they're trading elbows. I'm sorry.
Before we find out what Cajun, Rection and Gunns get to do, Perfect Event appear and punk out the men with Lex Flexors. Then Palumbo hands his flexor to Gunns so she can hit him in the balls with it...as near as I can tell. WHY would he do that? Stasiak laughs at him, so she KICKS him in the balls.
Stevie Ray is almost immediately ready to pick up his "Worst Colour Commentator of the Year" award; it's waiting at the front.
Vampiro tells Demon that the bowels of the building are the place to grow.
He also says if Sting shows up on Monday, he'll rip off the ski mask. I guess ol' Vampiro didn't get the big memo reminding everybody that Monday, TNT will air Part 2 of "Nuremburg," and ripping the ski mask off THAT day won't really shock ANYBODY - since they won't see it. I guess, in a sense, Vampiro just jobbed to the pre-emption announcement.
Ray says "This has gotta be a guy thing" like he's not a guy.
Stevie Ray: "This ain't Romper Room, this ain't Tiddlywinks!" I'd give *anything* to hear him say "froot booty" just one more time. Either that, or have him take off and never sit at the commentary table again. Either of those things.
Exterior of the Colesium - where Kanyon is out Kanyon cutting another innocent victim. When will the madness end?
Now normally, I'd type five minute interview segments out for you, and I try to ALWAYS capture Steiner's wonderful turns of phrase, but since I'm obviously dogging it for Thunder this week, I'll shorten it to two obvious words: roid rage.
Booker T tells his brother to maintain, and no matter what happens, do NOT bust out "froot booty." Dammit, I've been waiting ALL night for "froot booty!" SAY IT! SAY "FROOT BOOTY!"
"WCW Monday Nitro Live will not be seen tonight so that TNT can bring you the conclusion of Nuremberg. A special edition of WCW can be seen tomorrow night, LIVE at 8pm."
Hey, look at me! I actually forgot! All those saturation reminders and I STILL go and set the VCR for Monday night! Make fun of me!
Wow, haven't we *all* missed looking at Chae's ass?
Before the match starts, BUFF DADDY BAGWELL & JUDGE JUDY BAGWELL come out. The Mark is quick to remind us all that Judy is a former tag team champion - geez, you know there are *some* things that are better left buried in the realm of Internet recaps for the smarks and not brought back up to the *entire viewing nation* in on-air colour commentary.
Now Awesome is in the ring - 1 - 2 - NO! Hey, somebody tell Johnny Ace that sometimes the predictable fall is okay to have.
I guess that half crab is now known as the "Canadian Maple Leaf." That's kinda gay...oops, I didn't say "gay." I meant to say...no, actually, that IS gay. Sorry, that's just how it is.
As Herb would say, all these near falls would be exciting if this match *wasn't only three minutes old.*
Kidman with the leg on the neck into the flippy flippy, but there's the Franchiser. 1, 2, Robinson doesn't know! Robinson asks him, "hey, didja get him?" Franchise: "Yeah." THANK YOU, JOHNNY ACE!! Now the poor *ref* doesn't even know when the false finishes stop. Ever notice how WCW *always* takes something good and then takes it to an extreme where it starts to suck?
Buff Bagwell carries the power of the WCW MasterCard. It even pays for ambulance rides FO YO MOMMA!
Tank Abbott takes third headset as a Pier Six breaks out. Abbott repeatedly calls The Mark "marshmallow ass."
Got him up for the Awesome bomb - and hitting it! 1, 2, 3! (3:35) More importantly than Awesome moving to the finals...the colour commentator needs to go change his Hawaiian shirt. We take a long, loving look at ... holy cow, I don't care HOW much weight he's lost - he's STILL fat
On the adjacent corner is MIDAJAH, and she hits a "was it a splash? was it a double sledge? Who knows" flyin' move.
Camera cuts out *just* before we can see that remarkably large 1wrestling logo facsimile - awww, *no* love for Ryder.
But all is not lost for Awesome as TWO FAT LADIES - NO, NOT THE BRITISH COOKING CHICKS - TWO OTHER FAT LADIES hit the ring to check on Awesome's leg.
He manages to get up...then decides that, wow, his leg really *does* hurt, and they need to help hold him up. Awesome flashes a grin to the audience, 'cause I guess he's *gittin' some* tonight or something - ahh, behold the power of the mullet
Hey now, is Goldberg a face yet? Hey, I think I'm *offended* by that "GOLDBERG = JEW BLOOD" sign in the audience! Still, I pointed it out to you, so what does that make ME.
Stand by for "Enter the Dragon!" NOW you're talking *workrate!*
Going backstage, we see a BMW pull up - Stevie Ray is behind the wheel with Booker T in the seat beside him - tonight...HARLEM HEAT REUNITES! You *know* it'll feel so good...
Off the ropes and "if I dance before dropping this knee, *surely* it will be more devastating."
Tenay makes the Peaches & Herb joke I opened with...great minds and all that, I guess.
You know what the "Coyote Ugly" ad needs? Some chick sayin' "Sex 'n' football" in a twangy hick voice
"If you can put the Wall through a table, I can get ratings out of that." If he can do that, Cat's a better man than I am.
Storm is wearing a "Canada kicks ass" T-shirt. I'm amazed he hasn't taped over the stars and bars of the US title with a maple leaf yet (hey, WCW, there's a free idea for ya)
"So right here, right now, I declare the US Heavyweight title dead and buried. And I proclaim and rename it the WCW Canadian Heavyweight Championship!" Well holy shit, he has a decal with the maple leaf on it. WCW LISTENS TO ME! THIS IS THE GREATEST FED EVER!! (Oops, didn't cover up the old WCW logo, though)
Miss Hancock is featured in the lastest Stuff magazine - a magazine which is good for when you want to stuff...umm..wait.
Schiavone says that the Stuff article is very revealing - what, does it confirm Chae is bisexual? 'cause otherwise I can't be bothered. Well, okay, I'll read it next time I'm at the grocery store. Purely in the interests of science and research, mind you.
Meanwhile, Mike Sanders is starting to get to his feet - uh oh! I smell WA-HA-HACKINESS! Yup, sure enough Kanyon comes in and executes a Kanyon cutter. "BANG!" Still...just because we all called this, doesn't make it any *less* funny.
Konnan takes third headset and actually does a pretty decent colour commentary job...which is surprising, given that I hate him. Funny line from K-Dogg: "Now the guy over there without the mustache - he looks like a less expensive, better working, less problematic version of Kevin Nash...so let's get rid of Kevin Nash."
And they embrace. Wow, lookit the chemistry there. He's sodium, she's chloride. Together they make salt.
Advance Auto Parts presents This Week in WCW Motorsports! Man, if Kanyon could make THESE segments go away, I'd pledge LIFELONG LOYALTY to WCW.
Oh boy! There's a pylon in the ring! I wonder if we'll see the Safety Cone Enema!
WHY are they keeping Stevie Ray down by not letting him say "froot booty?" It's RACISM, I tells ya!
WCW logo - orange you glad I didn't say banana?
LANCE STORM is gonna start it right off. But first, a brief pause to encourage booing.
Here comes...BIG VITO. For the however many times it's been since he started doing it-th time, the music cuts before Vito gets a chance to even START saying "La Maestro, la musica please." They've NEVER gotten that right since he started doing it. Vito looks like an IDIOT, EVERY time he tries to get the music guy to cut his music in Italian because it's ALWAYS stopped BEFORE he STARTS. EVERY time. All these capitals letters are for EMPHASIS. Somebody print this out and hand it to that crack "we're spending lots of money improving" production staff. Continuing on...
Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where Hancock and Gunns had some problems, leading to a challenge for an ROTC (rip off the consumers - I mean, camoflauge) match at the pay-per-view.
New stipulation: it's a "Boot Camp" match - and it'll take place in a mud pit. In coming weeks, I expect Rhonda Sing to be announced special guest referee, and Mike Awesome can hit on her.
If you took a drink every time Kidman said "that's on the tape," you'd be dead right now.
Oh, look, they have a T-shirt. "Adams & Clark are Token Champions." Get It? HAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Ha.
Ha.
We learn that WCW.com is experiencing "record volume" - it's all those people DEMANDING STEVIE RAY!! FROOT BOOTY!! FROOT BOOTY! FROOT BOOTY!
Why do they keep advertising movies with no apparent plot? "Oh, I'll go see Nutty Professor II: The Klumps because Eddie Murphy plays a gazillion characters - never mind that there's apparently NO PLOT." "Oh, I'll go see Coyote Ugly because lots of hot chicks spray booze everywhere - never mind that there's apparently NO PLOT." Jesus! At least that kid SAW DEAD PEOPLE
I think PG-13 should feud with Vampiro over who gets to come to the ring to "Take It" - a song which can be found on the CD WCW Mayhem, now available for a reasonable price at all finer Salvation Army and Goodwill outlets.
See, now this "Bless the Child" ad gives us all SORTS of clues to the plot. Was that so HARD? Now, I *still* won't watch it, but at least I get some *clues*...
Sting put into the barricade - there's the "I Killed Bret Hart" kick.
For some reason, the commentators become buried in the audio mix. Not that I'm complaining...
Schiavone talks about the unbelievable amount of "carnage" we'd just seen - oh come on. FREAKIN' SID did more than that.
Jesus Christ, *Judy Bagwell* does the pinwheel.
Judy leaves the ring - Kanyon gets some sights set on her - she backs away - tries heaving shoes at him, but Kanyon figures out that after two, there probably aren't going to be any more.
Contrary to what you may have heard, the "mullet" angle was not cut short due to anything I may have said to anybody at WCW - hey, there's an "Awesome Mullet" sign in the crowd even as we speak. It lives on, baby, it lives on.
Dare we even DREAM a match is taking place here?
Awesome hits an Awesomebomb and lays him out. Now bring on the fat chicks!
They sure are paying Konnan a lot to be a crappy colour commentator.
T sneaks up behind him in mid-entrance and...wow, SLAPS him in the back! With BOTH palms! Brutal!
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out with a chair - what, he ran out of guitars?
Cat speaks on his cel phone (for the first time in history, he's actually *calling his momma*)
Let's listen on - oops, they're all taking turns saying "wassup," let's *not* listen on. Leave it to WCW to find something that was cool about six months ago, and only NOW try to cash in on it. Come to think of it, did they start doing it before or after Buh-Buh Ray Dudley started doing it? It was close, that's for sure...
Artist spends as much time humping the second rope as Paisley does - yuk yuk.
Judy & Buff Bagwell are WALKING! Judy wants to visit the Cat - RIGHT NOW! Then she pulls her son along by his ear. Heh, heh - maybe she'll swear later!
Great moment - O'Haire tags out, Jindrak comes in - they work a doubleteam - and then Jindrak, the LEGAL man, gets back out. Geez, does nobody understand how tag team wrestling even WORKS anymore? That, and I REALLY miss Heenan. He's such the complete opposite of a COMPLETE IDIOT.
Tenay: "If Buff's the stuff, you think Mom's the bomb?" Me: "If Buff's the stuff, I definitely think that makes Judy the muff."
They fired Mona to pay Judy Bagwell - you heard it here first
Coming back live, Sting tells Booker to be with his wife, go with her to the hospital - and don't worry, he'll take care of Jarrett. Hey, they didn't just screw us out of a main event AGAIN, did they...oops
Judy (wearing collar) takes fourth headset and makes us all pine for the dulcet tones of Stevie Ray.
Hey, guess what? If you TELL somebody you're Eddie Haskell, the "Eddie Haskell" gimmick doesn't WORK anymore.
PAMELA PAULSHOCK stands with Positively Kanyon. He says ... well, he's even more unintelligible than normal this week.
Artist is dressing a bit differently tonight, for some reason - you seen Police Academy? I'm thinking "Blue Oyster Bar" garb here.
"Kwee Wee." I guess this is the type of "entertainment" that people are always writing me about, telling me I'm too hard on WCW by constantly expecting SHIT THAT DOESN'T SUCK...
Backstage, Scott Steiner asks for directions to the Cat's office - then beats up the helpful guy who gave him instructions. We can learn from this: NEVER HELP ANYBODY.
Norman Smiley enters the building, and asks Midajah if she wants to get freaky with the wiggle tonight. She points to another direction, and when he looks, Steiner appears and pipes him in the gut, then back out the door. Geez, when'd Smiley get so dumb? Come to think of it... when'd Smiley get so HETERO?
"So to bring respect to this title, I have renamed it the Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title." Now, because this is WCW, we are IMMEDIATELY asked to consider that the ensuing acronym actually spells SHIT - WCW is so scared we are unable to figure out such mind-bending *cleverness* on our own time that they can't help but jump ALL OVER THEMSELVES to give us the answer to the freakin' Youth Jumble. When Bobby Heenan used to tell us the Smoking Gunns attended the Sam Houston Institute of Technology, he NEVER immediately followed it up with "and consider that acronym!" THAT'S why Heenan is the greatest - and the Mark can *never* be nothing more than a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, fat FUCKING dweeb who STILL lives with his mother DESPITE claiming to make more money than me, and, therefore, SOMEHOW being a better person. Whoops, sorry Mark - you know how I *hate* to put you over. Now where was I? God dammit, bring Heenan back to Nitro! You want ratings - HEENAN = RATINGS!!! All right, I'm done...for now.
For an encore, KEVIN NASH hits the ring. He's got some things he's like to say, I guess. Storm doesn't oblige him by leaving the ring. Chest bumpin'! Nash tells him to take his belts and take off - then knees him, into the ropes - big boot - yeah, we just gave this guy THREE belts - I think the best thing we could POSSIBLY do to him is have him sell for Nash and slink off.
Oh, my - but isn't this REALLY REAL AND FULL OF REAL REALNESS, REALLY. (Well, except for the pulled punches.) Here comes SECURITY to try to break these guys up - but this is SO REALLY REAL that I don't know if they can get it done - oh wait, they just did.
PERFECT EVENT take headsets because you can never have too many commentators. Schiavone actually calls Palumbo "Palumby" to his face - waahahaha.
Tag to Muta (who wasn't anywhere near any corner, but what can you do? He's Muta!)
Is it just me or do they go out of their way to avoid showing Fatone in this "spinnin' the bottle" ad? FATONE! I CANNOT RESIST HIM
Bottle hanging from pole is helpfully labeled "VIAGRA" for the slower amongst us. God, I NEVER realised how funny dick jokes could be until this moment!
Tony runs down the rules for this match - I'm shocked, I figured it was just "whoever gets the Viagra gets to use it," just like every other (something) on a pole match. The over/under on the Viagra dropping on its own is ten seconds. Tony says that, yes indeed, you can use the bottle on your opponent. Oh, so it *is* like every other...I suppose I should stop typing and just watch. 'Cause you DAMN well know that this concept is so LAME that I can't help but completely ignore any play-by-play obligation out of protest. But I'll tell you what - if somebody uses the Kunze Stump Puller in this match, I'll stop everything and tell you.
I thought Viagra were blue.
Anyway, commentators try to tell us that Kidman's mouth ended up full of Viagra - what a SMART, SMART thing to get across with children watching.
Kidman, feeling rather happy, stumbles upon three Nitro Girls. They all want to go back to the hotel with him. Kidman tells us he's been having "a hard day." Oh, I see - his dick is hard. Waaha. Say, remember when Terri gave Meat Viagra prior to his Sunday Night Heat match with Big Boss Man? I bet Russo does!
WHITE THUNDER (with Midajah) v. KEVIN NASH in a straitjacket match - well, at least by doing play-by-play for THIS match, it's just LIKE I'm extending my string of not doing play-by-play - yuk yuk yuk.
On Thunder, Cat is going to lay a bombshell on Lance Storm. I bet it involves him defending all three belts in separate matches at the pay-per-view...unless somebody changes the script because I happened to (ha) guess (ha) correctly.
TV-PG-DLV - WCW logo - how it got in my pajamas, I'll never know
Ring announcer DAVID PENZER: "Ladies and gentlemen, according to Canadian rules, all matches in the 100 kilo and under division are to be contested in a scientific environment...which means, no other parties are the be present at ringside...therefoe the referee Billy Silverman has barred the Filthy Animals from ringside." Tony makes a rare appearance as his own man when he notes, "anybody with a computer and a printer can print a booklet inside of an hour!"
Gen. Rection addresses the troops - several lines are supposed to be funny here, only they aren't. Example: Gunns: "Why you gotta be so hard on him?" Rection: "I saw it in a movie once."
Stevie Ray calls Miss Hancock a "yak." Wow, they've swapped racism for sexism - BRAVO.
How come Stevie Ray can call a woman a "yak" but he can't say "froot booty?"
Meanwhile, in the ring, Stasiak off the ropes, front face - Hennigplex (or, if you're Tony, "Northern Lights") gets 2. THAT MOVE NEVER WORKS! Geez, Tony, was it "casual day" for the show tonight?
We take a look at the cartful of weapons...and then back to the ring, where Storm is brandishing his Canadian rule book. "Are you serious? Ladies and gentlemen, according to the Canadian rule book, the Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title can is to be defended with no outside materials coming into play - man-to-man combat only, and the way to win the match and the title is only via submission!" Smiley: "But Vito taught me how to use this traffic cone to give the man an enema!" but referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker tells him he can't use the pylon. Smiley, disgusted, throws it down.
Smiley rolls forward and hits a Sunset flip...for 2. (I thought this was a submissions only match?) Storm leans forward into a press for 2. (I thought this was a submissions only match?) Smiley flips Storm over for 2. (I thought this was a submissions only match?) Storm rolls forward and onto his shoulders for 2. (I thought this was a submissions only match?) Smiley rolls the body for 2. (I thought this was a submissions only match?)
Franchise also promises that down the road he'll Franchise *Kidman* in the ass. Man, this guy's got some latency going, huh?
Wait...so one of the *NSYNC guys has to kiss one of the *other* *NSYNC guys? Why'd they agree to play spin the bottle with five guys and one chick? I guess it just goes to show that you can't be in a boy band AND have a functioning brain. FATONE!
The yak's got a chair!
Kanyon puts Buff in the ring - then gives him the Kanyon Cutter on the edge of a chair! AWESOME MULLET makes an appearance and makes the save...hey, Judy's not THAT fat a chick. Commentators go TOTALLY tasteless by saying "it's Columbia all over again" when references like that have NO place on this show. They might as well say "he hit that turnbuckle as hard as Owen Hart did!" while they're at it.
That's it - Awesome just talked himself out of me calling his match. You think Awesome ever thinks to himself "wow, they gave Storm THREE belts when he left ECW - I gave up their world belt when *I* left, and look at me now! All the fat chicks I can eat!"
Kanyon ends up decking referee "Blind" Charles Robinson, going outside and giving the Kanyon Cutter to a photographer, a cameraman, a grip, going back to the photographer and repeatedly punching him - now JUDGE JUDY BAGWELL is out to waffle Kanyon with her handbag. She *can't wait* to show us all that she put a brick in it, too! Geez, you know this was actually on its way to being the best match of the night and I was ready to feel bad about not doing play-by-play - I was going to rewind, start over, do a proper job describing the action - now I just feel like turning off the set and grabbing a snack. Awesomebomb - 1, 2, 3. (Formula 4:09)
Here's a Special Video Look at Miss Hancock and Major Gunns, who will take part in an ROTC match at New Blood Rising. Every excruciating moment of this angle is played and replayed for our benefit.
How come nobody ever asks ME to choose between a hot juicy burger or a hot juicy miniskirted blonde?
WCW logo - and the baby tomato was turning to ketchup
Sunday, it's a double ladder match betwixt the Dragons and 3 Count - I wonder how Evan Karagias' ankle is doing. I wonder if the bookers care how his ankle is doing.
Vampiro holding referee "Blind" Charles Robinson in position as if to say, "hey, check this out - somebody in my posse is gonna actually score a pinfall!" and Muta moonsaults Yang for the 1, 2, 3. (5:04)
Almost immediately the lights go out and Metallica starts playing. (THIS IS) STING appears and takes his bat to all three guys, completely nullifying the won they just got. Wow, we just buried SIX guys! This is WCW!
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Savage), Judge Wapner's Cash Scam, Motel 6 7/8, and America (ha!) Online. Can you BELIEVE I've used some of these same smartass advertiser nicknames for OVER TWO YEARS?!? Consistency is the key to audience rapport, friends...consistency is the key to audience rapport. That, and repeating things very slowly for emphasis. Ah, yes. Repeating things very slowly for emphasis.
Gunns says something about Hancock and the mud and nakedness - I dunno, it all reduces to an annoying buzz when you stop paying attention...
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, where Pamela Paulshock, Gene Okerlund, and Judy Bagwell got involved in all sorts of wacky hijinks. The Judy/Torrie catfight is a personal favourite which I'm sure I'll be telling my grandchildren about someday.
God love ya if you actually get entertained by this.
The commemtators talk about the pulled Russo interview from Thunder. Here's another try, but first one commentator in particular works up a major ass-kissing for Vince Russo. I can't WAIT until Russo is gone, and he takes that clown down with him.
Powers that Be. Creative Control. Curt Hennig. Shane. AC Jazz. Larry Zbyszko. Oklahoma. Madusa. Evan Karagias. Spice. Dr. Death Steve Williams. Pinata on a pole. La Parka. Big Vito. Johnny the Bull. Tony Marinara. The Revolution renouncing their citizenship, then forcing Hacksaw Jim Duggan to renounce HIS citizenship. The Varsity Club. The NEW World Order. Goldberg putting his arm through a window. David Arquette. Sting's heel turn. Goldberg's heel turn. Horace and Kidman fighting over Torrie - and Hulk kissing her. GI Bro. Hugh Morrus' "Pops." Eric Bischoff. Killing "WCW Saturday Night." Killing the World Television title. Killing the World Cruiserweight title. Killing the World HEAVYWEIGHT title. It's not what Vince Russo said - it's what he DIDN'T say - and what he's done.
That and...a New Jersey Nets warmup jacket and no shirt? How gauche!
Here comes TORRIE SAMUDA - let me sneak out two things. One: it's quite ironic that Kidman's wearing a "SHUT UP AND WRESTLE" T-shirt during this segment, and two: would it KILL the commentators to maybe lay out for a few minutes and NOT feel the need to fill up EVERY TINY PAUSE with their FLAPPIN' YAPPIN' LIPS? God, you know you're in trouble when it's left to *Tony Schiavone* to play "the subtle one."
Hudson's "she's got more Chins than a..." racist remark gets muted - don't forget the lawsuit, Scott!
Now I'm fascinated with watching to see if Torrie's ass crack makes an appearance or not.
Anyway, RENO comes out and hits his Whatever.
Torrie's picture is up on the Turnertron - she looks like that one chick with the glasses from "Major Dad" if she suddenly gained a hundred pounds.
I'm sure that everybody loved this but me - the only problem is, I'm the only one writing a report here. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME Come to think of it...I *can* think of *one* person who *should* have a problem with this segment...but of course, since he's 1Bob Ryder, he'll probably sorta close that one eye and look the other way. "Watching WCW is as beneficial to your health as taking a multivitamin," I think I remember him writing one week.
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. AWESOME MULLET - If this show hadn't been so full of BULLSHIT to this point, I'd probably be up for this match. As it is, it's all I can do to just keep from typing expletive after expletive.
Tonight, I'm only as good as the material I'm given - well, okay, not even close. But what do you want? It's free and it ain't broken into fifteen pieces. I *will* say that Sting is wrestling remarkably well for someone who's suffered so many pipe and bat shots earlier in the show, and only has the Demon to look forward to on Sunday.
WOW! Lookit Nash approach running speed to save Sting! Chortle at Rick's belly handing over his trunks!
WHO CARES. This show was a giant showcase for everything that sucks about WCW and does *nothing* for getting me pumped about the pay-per-view. If it weren't for Booker T, there'd be NOTHING to watch here. No, Storm doesn't do it for me - maybe if you give him five more belts and dress him up like Ultimo Dragon.
I can only sum it up like this: Baaaaaaaah.
Stevie Ray promises a Booker T that "no one's ever seen before" at New Blood Rising - what, he'll wear whiteface?
Cajun & Loco bring out Super Soakers, 'cause they heard that Doink was doing it on the county fair tour, I guess. Of course, Gunns gets a blast, because wet women equals RATINGS.
Abbott's HAND OF STONE misses by a good several inches, but Cajun dutifully drops dead anyway.
Abbott directs Helms, who positions the ladder across the corner - both men on it - simultaneous Helms legdrop/Moore splash running from head to body - Moore covers for 3. (3:35) Ya know, if that right hand is SO devastating, they didn't REALLY need to hit that move off the ladder, did they?
The other thing is...it's really *depressing* when they keep saying "Gene Okerlund's gonna wrestle later tonight!" First of all, you know he's NOT, second of all, he's GENE OKERLUND. I mean, HELL. Wasn't it like...what, FIFTEEN years ago when he wrestled LAST time? He wasn't lookin' to young THEN, yo.
Buff and Gene have a makeout session - I mean, STRATEGY session backstage, 'neath the watchful eye of the WCW camera.
I was going to say that THERE IS A MATCH GOING ON, but I hardly think it applies in this case.
Sanders puts Smiley in a conveniently located wheelbarrow and wheels him, stopping to remind him that 49% is "above average." Where *I* come from, a C+ is *79%*.
Heidi rips off her shirt to reveal a Maple-leaf'd T - "CANADIAN AND PROUD OF IT." Saaaay... *I* didn't know that "Canadian" was French for "fat!"
Hey, anybody seen Lenny Lane since he won his job back?
Advance Auto Parts presents "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" Ever wonder about racecar tires? Then, buddy, boy are YOU in luck! Here's an inside secret: out on the track, they call 'em "tars."
Let Us Take You Back To Last Week And Re-introduce You To Reno - Welcome to WCW, Reno - I'm ignoring your debut match!
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with iWatch logo and fourth gee-tar) is out as Stevie Ray delivers another classic line: "Oh, I'm sorry - I thought it was Kiwi."
Anyway, I was thinking about forgoing a match description in favour of busting out right around 1951 words on a *hilarious* "history of the fast forward button" but I heard that Keith already tried that spot and it didn't go over, so I decided I'd better play it straight. Suffice it to say that putting THIS shit in the semi-main can only mean that they see the exit door, it's close, and they're gonna live out ALL their dreams before it hits 'em in the ass. Well *I* say good riddance to the lot of you. I'll try to liberally use your names long after everyone's forgotten about you, and I'm STILL chruning out these things for however many tens of thousands of people make WrestleManiacs the #1 independent wrestling website. Say, that reminds me. "Lee Marshall." Thank you; you've been beautiful!
THIS WEEK'S TEST: SportsLine monkeys in suits can blow me! Wait...can I still say "blow me?"
QUICK QUOTES: AOL 53 (UNCH), TWX 77 (+ 11/16), SPLN 17 13/16 (+ 5/16 - last year, this time 19 13/16 - hey SportsLine.com! Your stock is TWO DOLLARS LOWER than it was A WHOLE YEAR AGO! I can't WAIT for you to find a way to blame your stagnant stock price on "naughty words in WrestleManiacs teasers")
Cut to the aisle, where GOLDBERG and Tank are SHOOTIN', bro. They're SHOOTIN'. This is REAL. That Irish whip into the barricade was REAL. That clothesline was REAL.
Back to Abbott, where Goldberg puts on a REAL armbar. The crowd's REAL chant, I might add, is "Russo sucks."
Say, over on WCW.com there's a contest where the winner gets to go see Halloween Havoc. Second prize is you get to go see Halloween Havoc...TWICE! (rim shot)
Thank you, you've been beautiful. I'll be here until June 2001
Our commentators tell us that tonight, Kevin Nash will face Scott Steiner in a #1 Contender's Match - proving that everyone who pays to see a PPV is an idiot. Also tonight, Jeff Jarrett gets another shot at Booker T for the title - proving that everyone who pays to see a PPV is an idiot. Let's go to the ring!
The (fake) finish is Vito pinning Reno off a frog splash. (3:18) Post-match, Vito foils Franchise's plan to put Kidman in some (fake) cuffs. Then, when Reno tries to save, he eats a Kidman (fake) right, put into the (fake) ropes, Vito with an (fake) atomic drop, and Kidman's (fake) Tomokaze, which is apparently called the Kidcrusher - which is a fine name...AS LONG AS YOU ENJOY VIOLENCE TO CHILDREN. Wait...doesn't Scott write about CHILDREN VIOLENCE??
You know what? ALL these kicks, stomps and punches are FAKE. FAKE. That guy playing the Perfect Event's music is IN ON IT.
SHE'S STACY NOW is out. "She didn't do anything, get off of her! David, stop! David! I'm pregnant!" Flair kisses her, then says "woooo" and struts. THIS IS REAL LIFE. So that makes Major Gunns....D'Lo Brown. Right?
Backstage, Flair and Stacy make out. I wonder what Lane and Rave think of this? I wonder what Los Fabulosos think of this?
Now ELIX SKIPPER is out for no apparent reason. What? He just KICKED Cat in the gut! THAT'S GOTTA BE A SHOOT! IT'S TOO *SHOCKING* TO BE FAKE!! Oh, no, no it's not. He just did his goofyass FAKE finisher on the Cat.
Performance art! It's PERFORMANCE ART!
CARL "THE RAVE" OULETTE v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY for the SHIT - What's this Quebecer doing as part of Team Canada anyway?
WCW CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION: "PRIME TIME" ELIX SKIPPER v. KWEE WEE (with Papaya) - Skipper is out with a Maple Leaf jacket and this IS his in-ring Nitro debut. And he's the 100 kilo champion. THIS is the kind of match featuring the kind of competitors that Vince Russo FOUGHT for! Is it true they fired Mona to pay Papaya? Come to think of it...didn't the current brain trust rename this guy "Skip Over" the FIRST time? Damn, who's wearing more glitter?
The only possible conclusion I can reach: knowing his days are numbered, Russo is busy setting himself to the task of scorching the earth. If HE can't play, he's damn well gonna make sure nobody ELSE can play after he's gone. A continual series of "worst episode ever" with no end in sight. Boy, it's something to look forward to, isn't it?
See you Wednesday. The saga...continues.
TV-PG-DLV - WCW logo - roll her in flour and find the wet spot
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, MIKE TENAY & SAY FROOT BOOTY ALREADY.
Cajun: "Hey, look at my sideburns! They look like the letter L, don't they? Look! Look!"
Rection steals the mic and tells us that they're at war with Canada. If they don't nip this in the bud tonight, they'll "reproduce like wet Gremlins after midnight." Did Rection go to the Roddy Piper school of current references?
Yikes - a Rection/Storm Canada title feud? I mean, I *like* the guy but even *I* know not to put him NEAR any titles!
Meanwhile, at a monitor, Daffney is wondering to herself why this monitor doesn't get any more channels.
Meanwhile, 3 Count pretend to sing. Karagias has one line and he can't even get THAT with their rhythm.
Pamela Paulshock interviews the Mark. Damn, that boy's got some BAD teeth, too!
At this point, I fell asleep again. Who can blame me?
Idiot Canadian crowd laps this up like a sheepdog - a SLOW sheepdog.
The Thunder Ringside Release is Toho Pictures/TriStar's "Godzilla 2000" - "I promise to forget about last year's movie if YOU'LL forget about it"
"If you beat me, I will leave this town and never return!" Well, geez, what are the odds of them ever coming back to Kamloops, anyway?"
COMING UP: Jarrett talks some more! Set your gag reflex!
You know, it just occured to me...if Scaia gained about 200 pounds, he'd look EXACTLY like that guy. Okerlund dares him to take off the jersey - fortunately, he's wearing another T-shirt underneath. Okerlund dares him to take THAT off - he begins to show off his "Before Stacker 2" gut and the crowd very loudly encourages him to put the shirt back down. Tony: "I think that was the man that ATE Lavon Kirkland." Tony used to be pretty hefty himself, you know - that's what makes it so ESPECIALLY cruel.
PAMELA PAULSHOCK, *also* clad in a Kamloops Blazers jersey (albeit one with a lot more material cut away from it) bounces out to ringside (damn, Stevie needs to stop stealing my "B" material), rolls Okerlund away and attempts an uppernut. Amazingly, she finds the mark amidst all that thigh.
Let us NEVER speak of this again.
Stevie Ray: "Tony - last week, I mentioned the fact that the man's pants were falling off and this week he's got new pants, a new belt and a brain new attitude." --the HELL?
Kidman has his way for a bit, Reno fights back, Kidman hits the Kid Krusher (Tomokaze) and now CHUCK PALUMBO & SEAN O'HAIRE & MARK JINDRAK & MIKE SANDERS come in, black ninja style - so, of COURSE Kidman takes them all down. Here's a riddle: Q: Who's getting pushed? A: This is WCW - they're ALL getting pushed! The numbers FINALLY get their shit together and put the boots to Kidman (and Vito) - this sends out the FILTHY ANIMALS. Q: How many WCW superstars does it take to call it a clusterfuck? A: LANCE STORM & ELIX SKIPPER are out. I know what you're thinking - where the hell is Sean Stasiak? MIKE AWESOME comes out to singlehandedly take over. Let's go to break before somebody *else* comes out.
Close captioning (where available) made possible by MEINEKE! Yeah, that *is* George Foreman typing out all them words on the screen!
Q: When is a shoot not a shoot?
A: When they make a Special Video Highlight Package out of it and open the show with it
Skipper gets THE STICK! "That's right, hit me up with some of that green / 'cause I'm the best you EVER seen / so SHOW ME THE MONEY! Haa!" Jerry Maguire was released in December *1996*. I'm trying to decide if this is better of worse than using "wassup."
"I made a promise that I would never go back on television...but every time I leave, they pull me back in." *cough*BULLSHIT*cough*
GOLDBERG appears behind the security and promptly removes the four from the ring. Tony: "He has manhandled five men!" Me: "1, 2, 3, 4...hmm...4." Tony: "FIVE MEN!"
As Russo goes to leave, BOOKA T. steps out - probably to ask when Steiner started beating up white women, too. Or maybe to ask what the hell was up with that whole GI Bro thing.
You won't like Kwee-Wee when he's angry...or when he's happy, sad, ambivalent, ambiguous...
Finish sees Cajun beal Gunns from the second rope into a press for the pin on Paisley. No, nothing of note happened before that. Frankly, you're lucky you get the finish from me. It's gonna be another one of THOSE shows.
Russo talks to Scott on the phone. "Scott - I got him every step of the way - Yeah - He's on his way - Get ready." Geez, I hope somebody watching this show gets Goldberg on the cel phone and WARNS him
All that's missing from this segment is Heenan saying "Get the gong."
Disco wears FUBU?
VIC VENOM, KING OF THE 2.0 SEGMENT is out in the zebra (with red NY Yankees logo on the right breast - I *think* MLB can sue them for that).
Russo back on headset: "What is that" Me: "That's what they call a Dusty finish - I bet Dusty would work for half what *you're* making..."
(not that any of us wants that)
Pamela Paulshock interviews Big Vito - he's got an opportunity of a lifetime - Russo ain't his buddy no more - most alarmingly untrue comment (possibly) of the year follows: "...and Kevin Nash, I got two words for ya: the Staten Island Express is gonna run over your face, you punk!" Maybe I should have typed it "thestatenislandexpress isgonnerunoveryourfaceyoupunk" and THEN it would have been two words...
Better actress: Beth...or Stephanie McMahon?
Jarrett is over to pull Goldberg off - now RICK WOOF WOOF is out with a (foam) lead pipe - down goes T, down goes Goldberg. Rick hands out shackles. Chain up the black man! Chain up the Jew! Chain up the woman! Well, I think that should just about cover all the bases.
TV-PG-DLV - WCW logo - I throw it all into the air, and whatever God wants, he takes
KWEE-WEE (with Paisley) v. CPL. CAJUN (with the rest of the Misfits in Action - sans Stash) - commentators ask Paisley what she sees in Kwee-wee, and she says it's his tremendous penis. Well, she pussyfoots around it, but that's the gist of it. If EVER the situation called for Stevie Ray to say "froot booty," this would be it, but this is WCW, where they keep the brother man down.
Backstage, Gunns and Paisley have flared up again, and no amount of ointment's gonna soothe that burn! WHOOOOA WORK THAT METAPHOR BABY.
Storm says he longer defends this belt on American soil, but Jones says it's happening tonight, so there. I hope she's sleeping with somebody to keep this job - that way, at least SOMEBODY gets something out of her performance!
Tenay (his voice cracking): "Suckas gots to know!" I think I just got me a new soundfile to find.
Backstage, Booker T asks Big Vito if he's a crazy cracka or what. Vito says he's just defending the WCW neighbourhood. T doesn't say "Did you say 'hood?'" but instead asks him if he'd like to tag up with him and the iWatch logo in tonight's main event. Vito lays out a menu and T says "booyah."
JUNG DRAGONS (with Let Us Take You Back to New Blood Rising) v. THE HARRIS BROTHERZ - you can compose all the email you want, I ain't gonna say nothin' bout this but it's a DAMN shame. (H bomb -> Heavy D pin Yang 2:06)
They brawl out of the ring, over the barricade, and, alas, NOT out of my life.
Stevie Ray, on women: "Get them squakks off yo mind! Look, man, if the Benjamins' in my back pocket and the bank account is big, hey, women are second nature anyway, can u dig it?"
Meanwhile, Booker T limbers up while Vito reads the USA Today Sports section. He asks him if he's going to stretch out...Vito says he warms up by playing a little stickball before a match. Somehow, this becomes a stickball challenge. I can't possibly add anything to this.
Schiavone proclaims that with a few weeks on the Billboard chart, that sucker's ready to go plywood! Once again, in my own mind I hear the voice of Bobby Heenan saying "get the gong." Instead, we get Stevie Ray. "Hey, wait a minute - wait a minute, Tony. How can this guy - how can anybody take this guy serious? This is the same guy that takes old ladies out for and living a gets paid for it!" Tony: "No, that's gigolo - he's a juggalo."
Smooth now comes out to a ripoff of Sade's "Smooth Operator" and I'll withhold all clever remarks about THEIR cleverness. HOO BOY *EVERYBODY* IN THAT BUILDING IS A BIG FAT OKIE - oh sorry, that shot caught me off guard.
And to think we could have had another match between announcers during this segment.
Advance Auto Parts presents "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" Blaise Alexander's crew chief and Wally Dallenbach talk about...something or other. Vampiro will make a special appearance at Bristol on Friday, where he'll job to Bill Elliot's crutch.
Okerlund tells Cat he can be very persuasive - and produces "a year's supply of Viagra" - geez, maybe a bottle that small is a year's supply to YOU, old timer.
Paisley comes out to the Artist's music...since HE won't be needing it anymore, wink wink. Artist ended his WCW career on Worldwide - ain't that a bitch?
Outside the Cat's office, Jimmy Hart asks for some good news - and doesn't get any. Turns out he's at the head of a long line. This might be funny if we had ANY idea what the heck was behind it. Instead, it's another in a long line of masturbatory in-jokes that nobody appreciates but the writer. In other words, THIS IDEA WAS THE PRETZELS!!
Tony: "I wanna tell ya, to see Big Vito and to see Chuck Palumbo in our feature bout this week on Thunder says a lot about the direction of WCW..." I don't think that means what he THINKS it means.
WCW logo - two cans and a piece of string
Muta takes third headset (Hudson is off having a baby - well, HE'S not having it, but) and does his "Masato Tanaka without charisma" commentary, repeating himself three or four times before saying "VAMPEEEEEERUUUU"
What does this segment have in common with my favourite granola? CLUSTER!
Now, try to put aside the fact that I'm biased for just a moment.
Can YOU tell me who's getting pushed from that last segment?
Here to tell us if he digs that is BOOKA T.
As they make their way back up the ramp, on the Nitrotron we see Goldberg...diggin' a grave. He promises to make it back to the arena and take out every one of Russo's goons. Then he's gonna get Russo - and dump him in the grave. Afterwards, he'll drink beer and say OH HELL YEAH.
Left alone, Russo's phone rings...and golly, it's that MAGIC phone that allows us to hear whomever's on the other end - seen two other times in the EXACT same situtation - not that Vince would steal from HIMSELF or nothin'.
Tygress grabs the legs, flips forward in a bridge, and gets the pin. Ummmm....okay. (0:20) Bell rings and Penzer announces the winner - then the commentators, for some reason, pretend the match DIDN'T end and we DIDN'T just hear the bell ring and Penzer announce the winner. Also, referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker didn't hit the canvas for the third time and make the "ring the bell" hand motion. Looks like they DID change their mind....only to change it again. Paisley goes ahead and takes off. Commentators, STILL trying to go on the assumption that the match is still going on, asks why Paisley is walking out on her. Umm, on who?
Now, try to put aside the fact that I'm biased for just a moment.
How exactly is a guy like Mike Awesome EVER supposed to get over when they can't keep a gimmick on him for more than two weeks?
KRONYKK v. THE HARRIS BROTHERZ in the House of Pain - because this feud has been SO heated and intense over the past...FIFTEEN DAYS?!? And they're ALREADY going to the gimmick matches? Look, if I say this is "desperation booking," how can you even THINK of coming back with "you're just biased?" How can you factually look at this as anything other than Vince Russo's ADD-influenced hypertimeline desperation? You know what? I'm starting to think YOU'RE biased. Mark Coale was right - if you REALLY cared about this company, you'd SHOW your righteous indignation at the craptacular job being done in the hopes that something better could result - the we could actually get back to having COMPETITION. I mean, for half the country this is an UNOPPOSED SHOW. Is THIS how you hook the fans? Twenty second three-way women's matches? Cage walls that "break" so that we don't have to have a definitive decision? That's right - Kronic put Heavy D into a cage wall, and it promptly collapses so he can roll out to the floor. All four men out on the floor. Now Don decides to start wailing on a front row fan and get muted. I sez it's a plant ("Now Don, go for the guy wearing the red bandana.") Anyway, SECURITY comes out and separates all four men - the bell rings and apparently all this cage is...is another way to gimmick a non-finish. Remember when the cage was used to ENSURE a finish? That's...irony. Right? (No contest 2:23)
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET comes out with a pipe and whacks Awesome with it. Schiavone: "the referee didn't even see it!" Me: "Are YOU blind, Tony?" Not only did the ref see it, it's LEGAL. Which isn't to say that it's not TOTALLY LAME, but...
Jarrett has a pickup truck bed FULL of gee-tars and he has to use a PIPE on Awesome? It's almost like he knows those things *don't really hurt*
WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE - KEVIN NASH (with "Booker T. vs. Kevin Nash" Fall Brawl graphic) v. BOOKA T. - Russo, taking third headset, informs us that he's here to witness a "New York screwjob." Russo is promising us a screwjob. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. "God is my witness; you're gonna see a title change." What, like Palumbo's title reign of last week? Can you BELIEVE what we just heard? On a WRESTLING show, Vince Russo just *guaranteed* that in a WRESTLING match for the World Heavyweight WRESTLING championship, we weren't gonna *get* any WRESTLING! Is it any WONDER that in the middle of Booker's entrance, the west coast has NO PROBLEMS switching over to USA to watch the competition?
I mean, look it at from an impartial standpoint and forget your biases. THIS IS A NO BRAINER (as long as you're not named Russo). If you try to write it off as another "Internet jackass bashes WCW without reason" and IGNORE what's unfolding RIGHT BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES....hell, you DESERVE what you get. You may think otherwise, but we're really not asking for much.
Tony: "Could we be seeing this unravel before our eyes?" Yeah, and it's such a shock becuase, you know...IT JUST RE-FORMED AN *HOUR* AGO. Give me ONE reason, as a fan, to invest ANYTHING into these characters. You can't even lay a foundation for the characters in the amount of time they're trying to tell this entire story! You can TELL I'm unhappy because I haven't called a SINGLE instance of Nash brushing back his hair.
Sure enough, Russo hands Jarrett a gee-tar and he completes the SHOCKING SWERVE by giving El Kabong to Booker. What...you thought Jarrett was calling it down the middle just for the hell of it? You actually think that six minutes is enough time for a beginning, a middle, and an end of a wrestling angle? Truckstop Drop - 1, 2, 3. Tony: "This is an outrage! ... This is one of the worst things ever to happen to the WCW title!" I don't know...could be worse. They could have given it to an actor. Ladies and gentlemen...we have a new WCW Champion. Fuck you, fans. (7:32)
Hey Crowbar, how's it feel to know you only did that spot because WCW is jealous of freakin' *Shane McMahon?* By the way, Shane fell from about TWICE as high. Hell, Wall throwing Crowbar off the Nitrovision tower was more impressive! Poor Devon Storm - he really deserves better, you know?
Goldberg spears him so hard, he busts open his OWN head. Oh oh, he may have to take another six months off!
"You are cordially invited to attend the marriage of Ms. Hancock & David Flair. September 11th, Charlotte, NC." I thought her name was Stacy and she was a Keebler elf?
NATURAL BORN THRYLLYRZ v. FILTHY ANYMYLZ in an elimination match - Shawn Stasiak takes third headset and immediately busts out "Tony Jabrone." Normally, I'd expect this to be a pretty good match with a lot of moves I would want to call so, years from now, we could look back and experience this match again. Of course, I'm not in that kind of mood tonight. It doesn't make me feel any regret when referee "Blind" Billy Silverman somehow manages to simultaneously count out eight men (8COR 4:15) despite the fact that only two are legal at any given time - nonetheless leaving Sanders and Tygress to fight for the win. WOW - TYGRESS WORKS TWICE TONIGHT!!
In Steiner's dressing room, Goldberg walks in - Steiner thinks it's Russo, until Goldberg puts a pipe to a nearby mirror and takes him down. He walks off with "Payback's a bitch...ain't it?" We're left to wonder how hitting a mirror wounds Steiner. OH WAIT! I GET IT! Breaking a mirror means SEVEN MORE YEARS OF WCW
Vince Russo plays like Wings - he's a man on the run. Spying Big Vito, he attempts to reconcile 'cause he needs somebody to watch his back. Vito says they can probably come to an arrangement. Then he kisses him on the lips. You and *I* know that that's a very significant, meaningrul act between Paisans - unfortunately, we are trumped when we hear an audible fan cry out "dude, I *knew* he was gay"
Goldberg hands Hart a shovel so he can dig the hole a little deeper - aww, geez, talk about CONTRIVED. If you know Russo, you already know what happens next. If you're still reading, you might be the kind of person that actually needs to WATCH this show, but I'll tell you anyway. Hart whacks Goldberg in the back with the blade of the shovel. Let's see...that was exactly...FIFTY-ONE SECONDS from the time we saw Hart until he completed the SHOCKING SWERVE - "hey, Bret, let me give you this shovel so you can WHACK ME IN THE BACK WITH IT." Come ON.
The reason I keep recapping this show is a fervent hope that it WILL turn around and get better and that you and I WILL want to watch this show - not to mention remember it down the road through my reports. Until that time, however, I see no reason to do any more than coast - albeit, "coast...with still a damn lot of transcribing." So read at your own peril - beg your favourite website to find more recappers if you must - but complaining to me about MY part in this is a waste of time. You'd be better off complaining to WCW about THEIR part in this. And if you can't be bothered to do *that*....well, I hope you at least enjoy the WWF show reports. I'll see you in a few.
TV-PG-DLV - WCW logo - chicken wire and duct tape
During the anthem, Gunns drops her flag and rips off her shirt to reveal that she's really greased up...I mean, a stars and stripes bikini top. Storm and Skipper quickly pick up the flag and drape it over her boobs - 'cause we all know that the LAST thing a Canadian wants to see is a woman's breasts.
"Boys, let's go have us some fun. And that's...shoot!" Nash makes the gun motion with his hand in case we didn't hear him say "shoot." Guess what I'd like to have done to Nash?
If they had somehow tried to protect *Reno*, I would have made a LOTTA noise, believe you me. Instead, they put Awesome over cleanly - hmm, second clean finish of the night. Did somebody LEARN something? No - it's a different team writing Thunder, that's all. I'll be back to bitchin' and whinin' on Monday.
I could put a coaster on Orndorff's hairdo.
Just my opinion, but the Animals' current theme is the best Konnan rap jam since his original Dungeon of Doom barrio rap.
Backstage, Jindrak & O'Haire tell Sanders he needs to pull one out for the Thrillers tonight...then, after he takes off, Steiner punks 'em BOTH out with one pipe shot. I'd make a joke about these guys getting pushed, but frankly, this is what they SHOULD be doing with these guys, so I got no real complaints.
A couple people have emailed me asking me to let WCW have it for putting an Iranian flag on Vito's jacket instead of an Italian one. Technically, the Iranian flag is a little more detailed that just that tricolour, though, so REALLY it's more of an upside-down Hungarian flag.
Backstage, Leia Meow shows off her new catsuit (and old breasts)
Out comes...MR. #1DERFUL PAUL ORNDORFF. Unfortunately, he does NOT come out to "Wonderful," nor is he accompanied by Garry Spivey.
Hey, look, the Thunder semi-main event is an injured guy and a 52 year-old guy.
Still, maybe I can learn something from Dennis Miller: "You know, the ONE thing that WCW needs to fix more than anything else is...hey, Skittles! What was I talking about again?" Come to think of it, perhaps I've *already* used that one...
Wait, one more thing, since it's in these "ER" closing credits - "The Pretender" is NOT "one of the best shows on television." All right? Don't believe that TNT announcer - he's smoking crack.
Hey hey, it's time once again to play YOU ARE THE BOOKER: Name YOUR choice: if you had the chance to book the fifth anniversary Nitro - please tell me who you'd put in the opening bout. If you said "Give ICP a tag title shot," *you* could be the booker!
Question: How come Konnan can say "help Richard Gere find his gerbils," yet they hold down Stevie Ray from saying "froot booty?" Answer: Racism.
Now WHITE THUNDER & JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET are out and getting in the cage - now the Thrillers are getting in the cage - let the cluster commence - I mean, LOOKIT THIS NONSTOP JOOSY ACTION!
Behind him, some MORE music fires up - and COLD BEER comes out. Russo runs to backstage as quick as he can...because, as we ALL know, *Vince Russo only sells for Big Vito*.
Moments Ago, Nash grabbed Russo's neck, Sting popped up through the ring to stop it, Goldberg appeared - if you're like me, you can't WAIT to see how Nash proves he was just SWERVING US ALL ALONG at the end of the show
Your hosts include TONY SCHIAVONE & JEREMY BORASH - Holy cow! Borash with no hair looks JUST like Truman Capote.
Ray appears to move into deep thought mode (no doubt wondering "if I said 'froot booty' RIGHT NOW, how much trouble could I *possibly get into?") as we fade out
We go to Vince's office, where a satisifed Russo tells Steiner that he knew they'd take care of the Cat. Steiner ponders David Penzer's announcement that Kronic is in the match...it takes him a good five seconds, but he eventually registers some unhappiness, pounds Russo's desk with his bat, gets muted, and takes off. Russo puts his hands to his face - HE is a slower thinker than Steiner? Woof.
Mirth and merriment ensues.
The "BULL" logo in the lower right corner is *purely* coincidental.
Sting stomps away on Jarrett as WHITE THUNDER comes out...wearing Virgil's face guard (those of you who thought I'd say "Test's face guard" aren't old school enough)
Gee whiz, it was another shocking swerve. They fooled us all.
I don't know about you, but if I get a "swerve" every week, *it ain't a swerve no more.* That last match was interesting, but it was still a clustereff, it STILL had close to nil in the way of *wrestling*, and it had another, annoying, infuriatingly predictable "shock" ending that wasn't. To make it worse, the hug completely put out of mind that Bret Hart appearance mere seconds earlier...so why bother to even have it in the first place? "Oh, it'll lead to something down the road," they like to say - well, surely not...if it's FORGOTTEN by then? WCW had two weeks without competition (well, in that half of the country) - looking over this week and last, can you say that they did what they had to do to keep people from coming back to the WWF next week? The way *I* see it, they worked very hard to suck people into the story...only to piss it away by copping out with the SWERVE - and they managed to do it BOTH weeks! These guys SHOULD have been stopped crying "wolf" a LONG time ago but, more and more, it seems as if this is the only story the braintrust can write. The ultimate result is "Hey! Finding yourself interested in our sophisticated storylines? Well, tough noogies - it was all a dream! You WASTED your time AND your emotional involvement! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah." Any idiot *should* be able to see that this is *not* the way to "leave 'em wanting more." But...what do I know? I'm just a recapper. Still....in this recapper's opinion...they seem to be working VERY hard to ensure that the sixth season of Nitro is the last. Hey, Skittles!
What was I talking about again?
Of course, Gunns' headset doesn't initally work - that's a *compliment*, not a criticism.
Stevie Ray: "Prime Time, ah, you better get a handle on your yak, baby!"
WCW PROS AND CONS: Pro: Stevie Ray is given a high-profile commentary assignment, assuaging racism charges on the part of WCW. Con: Ray takes it to a different level by being even more sexist than Mike Tenay - and Tenay's just playing a character!
Earlier Today, Bret Hart arrived! He wears a fake - I mean, CFL - football jersey.
Two quick things we can glean from this segment: one, Stacy can't act; two, Mike can't act - but next to Stacy, he's MARLON FREAKIN' BRANDO.
Here's a look at Bret Hart's dressing room, where six security tomato cans stand guard outside. Call me nuts, but if *I* were Goldberg and looking for Hart, the first place *I'd* probably check is behind the big door with the BRET HART sign. I wonder if Goldberg is watching this show on a monitor? Don't be silly; of COURSE he's not
Time now for the Lava Lamp Lounge, with your host AWESOME MULLET. Sofa, lava lamp, strobe light, candle, lamp covered by beads, leisure suit - Awesome ain't no Roddy Piper, but I bet Piper looked JUST like that in the seventies.
Awesome makes his way back into the picture so Jarrett Kabongs him instead as Paulshock ends up in Okerlund's arms - ummm, better move that arm a little higher, Gene.
The Castrol Motor Oily Replay is - and you really can't read this enough times to understand how truly absurd it is - Jarrett *reversing the whip into the sofa* and then breaking the guitar over Awesome's head.
Hey, is it just me, or do Torrie's nipples not line up? (And if you think I shouldn't be asking stuff like that, well, she shouldn't be wearing stuff that makes 'em point out like that, then.)
Hey, three and a half minutes of nonstop offense for Crowbar - stopped by the dreaded whip reversal. I think we can ALL learn something here.
Now, MADUSA is out - well, why the hell NOT.
They play Madusa's music as Franchise and Torrie are run out of the ring....leaving us all to collectively scratch our heads (or our balls, depending)
Looks like he'll have to keep looking...what's the hallmark of a WCW show? One guy...looking for another guy...FOR TWO HOURS.
For the LAST time, HERE is how you tell the Harris twins apart: Ron is the GOOD-LOOKING one.
Disco and Konnan take headsets and let's face it, if I had to choose between transcribing Bret and Goldberg and giving you play-by-play of this match, I think I made the right choice by waiting until NOW to lay out. Q: What's the sound of five men constantly stepping on each other's lines?
NO HOLDS BARRED: THE JOBBIN' JUGGALO (with Insane Clown Posse) v. (THIS IS) STING - Let me get this straight. Monday, Sting tore through Vampiro AND Muta in 1:11 and you expect me to care about Sting taking on JUST Vampiro now? *Especially* considering that Tenay and Ray lay out, leaving Tony to call the match with the Insane Clown Posse?
Although this match *is* JCW-sanctioned, we are told, this is not a JCW heavyweight title bout - this is because deep down, they KNOW Vampiro's gonna job to him. The clowns *also* say that no matter what the outcome of the match is, Sting shall be declared the loser. Well, give 'em credit - they found a way for Vampiro to win. What's more embarrassing - giving commentary time to the Insane Clown Posse - or giving commentary time to WCW Live hosts? Tossup.
Q: What's a juggalo? A: The only type of fan that'll actually *pay* to attend a Thunder taping, judging from the signage at ringside. No WONDER they give the ICP anything they want - they're the only people drawing money in WCW!
Finish sees Shaggy 2 Dope throw the JCW title belt at Sting's knee while he tries his second Stinger splash. Poor Sting has to try to believably sell this.
Where's Gunns? What the heck am I supposed to watch now? The wrestling? Hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha...
But GENERAL RECTION is waiting a the top of the ramp - yes, friends, *General Rection* is in the overrun.
Here's a spear for you. Remember when Storm had three titles? That's the guy getting jackhammered there. 1, 2, 3. (1:36)
They're apparently not "Kronic" anymore, by the way - they're "Kronik" with the second "K" backwards. I hear that Brian & Bryan picked that trick up on a recent visit to Toys "R" Us.
Asked if there's ANYTHING about Kronic that he likes, Konnan says "well, they've got a nice tan. ... I forgot to say they're tall, too." Asked if we'll see a faceful of stuff tonight, Konnan says "nah, 'cause I heard they didn't wanna sell it." Doesn't put anybody over, but it *is* kinda funny. The problem with Konnan is he did this the WHOLE time he was in the third chair for Worldwide. There comes a time when you need to stop making "Mike Rapada was working at the KFC" jokes and actually try to put him over, you know? Of course, that only applies to colour commentators - that doesn't apply to people who write about it on the Internet, y'see.
The HYRRYS BRYTHYRZ come out with a video camera - hey, is that the Kidcam? I always *wondered* who took it.
We're told that Russo suffered his third concussion in a month - stick around for some exclusive footage of his brain surgery. Also, a wedding! Oh, and maybe some wrestling...
Vito going up for the bat - yeah, it's been WELL over a minute, better go to the finish.
Four breasts! FOUR! I mean, PAMELA PAULSHOCK interviews Madusa.
Madusa's music has changed. That might be all I get out of this match. Madusa's pants don't even appear to be fitting properly - well, maybe she's just wearing them backwards. Who can say?
"Don't make me hurt you like Billy Kidman!" Coincidentally, KIDMAN's back. Listen to that crowd not change in volume AT ALL!!
Meanwhile, in the locker room, and with the monitor STILL off, Nash is drawing it out on the white board for Steiner. I know I'm supposed to find the "is he drawing genitals?" bit funny, but it's just so....*Russo*.
"RIC FLAIR, come on down!" Well, here he is - with the same hairdo as his son. Kiss on the hand for Stacy - Daffney STILL sticks her tongue out at him. Now THERE'S a girl who knows her character!
Outside, Flair is loaded into an unmarked car. Arn says he'll be down to take care of this - Flair asks Arn to call ... somebody. I dunno. Not his momma.
Here's a doctorly-type to talk about Vince Russo's emergency brain surgery Saturday night - something about a clot needing to be removed or something. Man, this is RIFE with one-liner possibilities, but I believe I shall postpone...for now.
Here comes KRONYKK, and THEY'RE carrying chains. And by "chains," I don't mean Brian Lee.
Fall Brawl promo - again - the BEST promo they could have had was something like "this Sunday - there'll ACTUALLY be some WRESTLING"
This segment goes a long way to showing Why Crash TV Doesn't Work.
Moments Ago - shit, I don't even like this replay technique when the WWF does it, you think I'm gonna like it HERE?
GENE O. works tonight! He stands with Scott Steiner, yet fails to ask what the hell that thing is doing on his head.
I suppose I shouldn't go the ENTIRE night without mentioning Nash's "HEY YO - LAST CALL HALL" T-shirt. Nash is wearing a "HEY YO - LAST CALL HALL" T-shirt. There.
I think Tenay sneaks in some woman-bashing as well, but I wasn't paying attention - and when I say "I," I mean "everybody."
Q: How come we get to hear *Pamela's* ring introductions while we *never* get to her Penzer's? A: Sexism.
Hey, 26 minutes with no wrestling - is this RAW?
Stevie: "That's how you play with a yak - throw 'em from side to side."
Twelve-person cluster in the ring as Stevie reminds us what his momma always said: "You gotta know yo beans from yo cornbread." Yes.
David Flair accosts Mark Johnson (and the iWatch logo) backstage. Johnson says he's not the father of the baby. "Let me tell you something - if it WAS me, I'd be telling everyone. Coulda BEEN anybody." Flair breaks a mop over his back as he walks away. Flair neglects to ask him if he ran over Stone Cold.
Fall Brawl promo - "no script!" On one level, I fully *believe* that they currently haven't scripted it...and probably won't until Sunday, around 6pm or so
Awesome is ready to close up by telling us we never know what to expect on the Lava Lamp Lounge (besides no wrestling), but he's cut short by JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET in a tech crew jumpsuit, surprising him with the Stroke through a glass table. "Folks, stay tuned - next week - for the premiere of Slapnuts Theatre! Choke on that, Awesome!" Oh boy?
Backstage, Jim Duggan reads a paper. Would it be wrong of me to ask "if he's retired, what's he doing backstage?"
Meanwhile, a father and son happen upon Nash and Steiner and ask for a photo - Nash gets sixty bucks bucks outta the guy before agreeing - then, at the last possible moment...as Kevin Kelly goes to take the picture, Edge and Christian step in front of the kid and completely obscure him. Whoops, sorry, slipped into another show report there, didn't I.
Later on tonight, the Sting/Jarrett match will be two out of three falls. How will they EVER be able to book THREE screwjobs in ONE match?
Tenay *almost* forgets to make a sexist comment, but just sneaks it in (whew!).
Kidman ducks a clothesline, elbows Franchise, who falls backwards into Torrie, who walks over to the railing, grabs it, and falls over. Really, it DID look *that* bad.
Kidman once again tells us that there hasn't been a scaffold match in nine years. Unfortunately, he's not bad enough for me to transcribe - Madusa, on the other hand... "Torrie and Franchise, you two are gonna find out at Fall Brawl what gravity is all about! And it's gonna be a BITCH just like I am, ya little...." and she stops. Where has this gem BEEN all this time?
Stevie Ray has waited patiently for his chance to tell Tony that it wasn't a broom handle, it was a mop handle.
Commentators praise Mike for having the guts to ask Flair the Question, because "suckas need to know." Tony: "GOTS to know!" Stevie: "Okay, gots to know."
Arn takes off while Stacy...no, I still daren't use the word "acts."
BLATANT PLUG: Yeah, I'm gonna miss The Artist Formerly Known As Spice. Of course, maybe she'll be the next Teri Byrne! Teri Byrne! You all remember Teri Byrne, right? No? Oh....well, so long, Spice. Nice knowing ya. When I'm running WCW, I'll bring you back.
You know what RUINED Fall Brawl for me?
It's not just that they turned Hacksaw Jim Duggan...but they did it in such a way that, even though doing so would completely and utterly go against everything that we've ever seen and known about Duggan for the better part of twenty years, we STILL saw it coming a mile away. When Duggan showed up during the MIA interview in that zebra shirt, the whole pay-per-view turned for me. I can give you a thousand word full-on combination historical summary and diatribe on the why and how of how sad it is, but the truth is, you either already get what I'm saying and no words are necessary, or there's no point in me trying to tell you about it now.
Tygress has his head down again...now doing a bump and grind for no apparent reason...facebuster, turning him over, knees on the shoulders and groin on the face - did Sanders just pass out? I wonder how many Filthy Animals have been THERE! 1, 2, 3. (5:09...or 21:44)
When we come back, Nash has found his way to the Thrillerz' locker room. Jindrak says "I don't get it," and Nash draws it out for them again, spelling out "YOU SUCK" in large letters...then leaving. I liked this bit the first time I saw it - when it was Tim Meadows acting as O.J. Simpson and writing "I DID IT" on the telestrator.
"Not Iron Man" plays as Russo walks off, leaving everyone dumbfounded in the ring. I think I saw Jarrett mouth to himself "Hell, even *I* can't make sense out of this shit."
Nash draws out a "BITE ME" because a joke isn't REALLY funny until you RUN IT INTO THE GROUND ("Coming from you, Zed, that ain't sayin' NOTHIN'." "Hey, who invited *you* here?")
Smooth decides to turn his back to count the money - and Flair waffles him with the golden crowbar and takes off. Geez, he should have taken back the money while he was at it.
Russo asks him to deliver an audiotape to Kronik and "you don't know where it came from." Geez, I hope Kronik isn't WATCHING A MONITOR.
First of all, Canada sucks ass. Second, Duggan's may be a whore, but ultimately *I'M* the sucker for ever investing any kind of emotion in the man. It's silly, really - you'd think that I'm much too old to actually feel betrayal from a wrestler - hey, I said I wasn't gonna talk about this.
Mike Awesome's bus pulls up and out come Awesome...and Gary Coleman. He tries to apologise once again for last night. "You set me up, you bastard - and that Jarrett's gonna get his too!" Then he walks off - because apparently he decided to spend 24 hours with Awesome so he could make a scene *when the cameras were rolling.*
Backstage, Russo is WALKING! He knocks on a door. Whose door? Gosh, if ONLY it had one of those pieces of papers with a name on it like EVERY OTHER DOOR WE'VE EVER SEEN FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS
To the limousine, where the WCW camera catches a reaction from Flair, who's apparently watched the tape. He exits the limo...and smashes the tape. "Stacy! Stacy! Gaah!" and he runs off. Gosh, it's too bad we didn't get a camera there (a) while he was watching the tape (b) looking towards the TV instead of at Flair
Another program note for Thunder - Stacey SPEAKS! Because, by God, you AIN'T watching Thunder for WRESTLING!
It's not that there are more plot holes than a block of swiss cheese - it's that they are so EASILY spotted and READILY apparent...to everybody, seemingly, but the very author of the plot. What's worse than hating? NOT CARING. Chew on THAT. I'm outta here.
VIC VENOM (with four security dudes and the iWatch logo) is out as Stevie Ray busts out "sad sack" on his way to a rather prolonged bout of shouting about how title shots were meant for "real athletes." I guess he forgot to run that by his brother before Monday, then.
O'Haire ready to drop a fist but Yang headbutts him in the groin to take him down. I'd call that a cool spot, only I'm afraid Yang might catch wind of it and then use it in his next twelve successive matches.
Hey...doesn't it *thwart Russo's plan* if he **reveals his entire plan in front of a camera?**
Russo (wearing his "I ride the short bus" helmet) hands ring announcer PAMELA PAULSHOCK a sheet of paper to read in introducing his opponent.
Borash slips the needle from "minor annoyance" to "wishing throat cancer."
Ray makes a Stevie Ray face and then takes off. BUT HE DIDN'T SAY FROOT BOOTY
Remember when they wanted to have Duggan renounce his citizenship after the Revolution beat him? By the way, he *can't* be television champion since Goldberg pinned him back in June. Now Booker T pinned Goldberg, but since that match was for the World Heavyweight title, it's possible the TV title wouldn't have been on the line...so does that make Scott Steiner the TV champion? I guess I should pore through the archives. Well, I'll have time for that after I'm dead. Maybe I'll just go ask tOA instead.
They're gonna High Time him on a chair - oh, no, they're gonna kick the chair away because they're CONFLICTED. Clearly, in terms of both workrate and storyline, this match has to join that very short list of possible candidates for MATCH OF THE YEAR. (High Time -> Clark pin 3:20)
Guerrera decides to do a flip and bounce his legs off the top rope back into the ring. But here comes a pescado! Both men stay down following the collision out on the floor. Idiot in the front row is very clearly audible: "You'll never work for McMahon! Juvi, you suck! Get back to the Power Plant! You will never, EVER, work for McMahon! You are awful!" Sad thing is, THAT guy probably considers himself "a smart."
I ENJOY WRESTLING. I don't CARE who's the daddy. I hope this *does* get the highest ratings of the show and maybe it'll flip a switch in SOMEONE'S mind that PUTTING GOOD WRESTLING ON A WRESTLING SHOW IS A GOOD IDEA. Hey, one good match on Thunder is great - but you still got fifteen other quarter hours of CRAP, don'tcha?
So Evan Karagias hits a backslide on Heavy D and while referee "Blind" Mickie Jay counts a fall, Shane Helms drops a leg on the back of D's head....breaking the count. The brains, they do not work.
Meanwhile, some schlub is WALKING! "Who the hell moved this thing? I've been looking for it all day!" And he drives the forklift away. OH MAN THIS IS SOME CLEVER ASS STORYTELLING
Hey, for a switch, the *wrestlers* are going to put over *Russo*! No, wait - that's not a change at all!
Oh, JEREMY BORASH is still hanging out with Russo. I guess it could be worse - it could have been 1Bob Ryder.
Wow, Russo beating a dead horse? That's so unlike him!
Before the match, we get a shot of Leia Meow slapping Yang and sending her back for no apparent reason other than they REALLY want you to understand she's a dominatrix. She's got red hair now - kinda like Lita. If you can't grasp my subtlety, I may have implied something in the previous sentence; see if you can figure it out.
Now SECURITY is in and macing Kronik - why? Who cares? Konnan: "They're actually selling the mace!"
Before Nash leaves, he takes Beetlejuice's hand and says "nice to see ya, Elix." Hey, Nash just put over the Cruiserweight champion! Wow!
David Flair drives around with a cameraman in the back seat. He's apparently lost. He pulls into the parking lot of a Chuck E. Cheese's to ask for directions.
Thankfully, there's ANOTHER camera already waiting in the restaurant. "Do you know where Oglethorpe Road is?" "No I do not sir, I have no idea what you're talking about, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave, you're disturbing the children, sir." Well, she's not an actress, I'll give her that.
Q: Of the eight men and one woman in the ring, who is the most over? A: Scott Hall, naturally, as the crowd chants "We want Hall." Sounds to me like they don't cotton much to anybody in the ring.
Pamela decides it's pretty warm out there in the ring ad removes her fur coat. Apparently, what she's got underneath qualifies as a bikini, because all five judges promptly declare HER the winner. Leia grabs her by the hair and is ready to make ready with the riding crop, but MIDAJAH comes out, hits the weakest bodyslam in the history of the sport, checks on Pamela (musta been HER bitch), and Meow clips her with a kick. Catfight allegedly ensues. Okerlund gives Pamela his jacket - umm, her fur coat is RIGHT THERE.
Hey, only in WCW can a freakin' BIKINI CONTEST end in a screwjob, huh?
Somehow, the WCW camera has made it to 977 Oglethorpe before David Flair, as we see the SUV pull up. And yet...SOMEHOW we can hear everything David is saying to himself! It's as if the kid is MIC'D or something.
When we come back, a WCW camera is *inside the house.* GEE-ZUS. Would it *kill* them to at least PRETEND that this isn't SO TOTALLY STAGED? Exactly ONCE has it actually made sense to have a camera around (inside the car) and *every* other time it's not. What was it Russo said? "For me, it all starts with logic?"
Hey, ready for the kicker? This isn't even the right house - 977 is next door. So you can't even say, "well, maybe WCW got there ahead of time and asked to have the camera inside when he knocked," because THIS IS THE WRONG HOUSE. You *CAN'T* explain how the camera got in here. ("Yeah, but maybe they KNEW that David would pull up to the wrong house since they had that OTHER camera already in front of it." "Don't you see how badly you're REACHING here?")
Russo is in full pads, NY Giants helmet and all he needs are the quad skates to join the roller derby team.
Russo pulls a baseball bat out of his pants and starts whacking Booker. How referee "Blind" Mickie Jay missed that, I'll never know.
Coincidentally, the first words we hear after this show are "You're watching BULL!"
I've said it before and I'll say it again. What's even worse than having a negative opinion?
Not caring at all.
Here comes...aw hell, it's ACHTUNG ACHTUNG HIER IST ALEX WRIGHT come back to kill us all. He's shaved his head completely now (Skin Head! Skin Head! Oh wait, he's got an old Shaquille O'Neal "sideburns only" 'do going there) but the "A&W" tights give it away.
Tenay: "Can't call him Berlyn anymore!" Berlyn? Berlyn who? There was no Berlyn, there was NEVER a Berlyn. Disco fever, yeah yeah yeah yeah.
And now, as a public service to you, the loyal reader, it's time once again for another inside look you just *can't* get anywhere else. Read on, as... CRZ TAKES YOU INSIDE THE BUSINESS Tonight's set of talking points: A Quick Guide to "Carlos" on Commentary
"...saw him behind the counter at KFC earlier today..."
There, you NEVER have to watch "Worldwide" with the sound up EVER again. Trust me, if there's deviation, E.C. will take care of it for you.
Meanwhile, Rection asks A-Wall where the guys are. Loco is lost. I think there was an in-joke about David Penzer in here. See, the only people watching this show are Turner personnel, so they probably GET all this. I don't, on the other hand, so I'm not gonna bother trying to share it with YOU.
Amazingly, the Thrillers are more interested in watching the endless loop replay of their match than Meow - which says something about their sexual preferences, if you catch my drift. (Hey! They're all shirtless - YOU TELL ME)
Stevie Ray gets muted and I can't figure out what he said (it wasn't "froot booty," sadly). Oh, perhaps it was something about blood because the picture goes black and white and they quickly get him a towel. Thunder is a blood-free show, you know. Thankfully, this is not a blood-free report - BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD Oh yeah, A-Wall wins with a chokeslam through a table and pin. (3:16 - hmmm) Just in case you worry that he might be getting a push, WHITE THUNDER (and Midajah) is sent out to clear the ring of everybody post-match.
Gene O. tells Midajah that was some right hand - "you certainly showed that hoochie's ass!" Does that even make SENSE?
Meanwhile, Hacksaw Jim Duggan talks to Chad Damiani - you can hear it on "WCW Live" on WCW.com. Or you can poke out your eardrums!
Halloween Havoc promo #2 - "At Halloween Havoc, WCW will shock you again - and you will see something you cannot imagine - until you see it LIVE!" Didn't they try this line BEFORE? Didn't it NOT work? Do they ever LEARN? How many questions can I string together with a WORD in all capitals? ONLY FOUR! Oh yeah, this PPV is brought to you by Electronic Arts' "WCW Backstage Assault." You can't spell "Assault" without "ASS"
Konnan has actually moved away from all his cliches to talk about the history of Mexican wrestling and titles, which is pretty fascinating...it's also keeping us from having to hear the Rosie Perez clone next to him. I wish Konnan would do more of this cool background commentary and less bullshit about "cranberries" and making pot/kettle/black observations and no-selling stiffs. Of course, more people may wish I'd talk about matches like I am in this one and not like every other match in this show. Hey, I have an idea! How about having more WRESTLING and less of the things that make Konnan and me get so lazy? Then EVERYBODY'S happy! (Except Russo.)
Konnan says HE wants to be on the Howard Stern show - there's a Bob Barnett joke in there SOMEWHERE, but I'm obviously too lazy to dig it out.
I met up with JP, who emailed me beforehand asking me to find him. He told me that Hank, the Angry Drunken Dwarf was rumoured to be in the house - then he went on to assume that that meant he'd be winning the Cruiserweight championship tonight. I told him he was a sick, sick man - and then started to worry that just MAYBE he'd be right.
Penzer called MARK MADDEN "the best looking fat man on TV" - he must not watch Spanish television or he'd know that honour *clearly* goes to Jorge Porcel.
During the break, DJ Ran welcomes out the three Nitro Grrls they could afford to fly out, and plays "Music."
Let Us Take a Special Video Look at Meng - wow, look at all these people that aren't in WCW anymore.
So now the Thrillers have three titles. I expect this will work as well as it did for, say, *Lance Storm*.
Tony: "If you think this story is done, you're sadly mistaken!" If you thought this segment would prove ANYTHING, you were sadly mistaken!
The Mark confuses Robin Givens with Robin Quivers...then goes on to intimate that all them black chicks look alike. Gosh, I think I'm offended! (Of course, I'm white...and a dude, so I have no right.)
T gives his shirt to an old lady in the front row, and Jarrett goes outside to attack him. The old lady swats Jarrett with the shirt...or tries to, anyway. A suggestion that Jarrett beat down the old woman is muted out.
Let's make this quick, I'm coughing up all KINDS of stuff over here.
Light the PYRO - we are on tape from the Long Beach Civic Center in Long Beach, CA (Slogan: "We're a Major League city...in roller hockey, anyway")
Yeah, that's BEETLEJUICE and we're starting off on a high point tonight.
Hacksaw is the master of the low blow!
In case you're wondering what that airbrushed-out sign says, it said (and I'm not kidding here) "BRING BACK OWEN HART"
JUNG DRAGONS (with Leia Meow) v. WHITE THUNDER (with Midajah) in a handicap match - sometimes, it would just make you want to cry...if you still cared.
Konnan is brought to the Thrillers - Sanders tells him his status to work in America has been brought into question, and hands him a paper to ready. I thought Carlos was a white guy from Jersey?
When we come back, Guerrera and Mysterio hold their shins. Konnan's got a plan, though. Amazingly, Mysterio makes a motion, and Konnan PUSHES BACK THE CAMERA so that it can stay a secret!
Now, AS one of those "people on the Internet," let me offer this brief retort: BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHA
Mike Tenay failed to ask just where the heck Private Stash went. ("I think it was Major Stash.") Please - tell me that it really matters. ("Hey, YOU'RE the anal retentive transcription guy!")
Awesome: "Hey, not THAT crazy! Tell you what...let's just wrestle!" My irony alarm: "WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP"
Stevie Ray: "Why are their britches so tight? I kinda like it."
Honestly, this match was pretty good, but after an hour and a half of NOTHING it's hard to get up for even an AVERAGE match. ESPECIALLY when after an hour and a half, this is only the FOURTH match - AND when one of the previous three was Steiner vs. Dragons. Okay, I've covered my ass enough, let's move on.
Next week, WCW goes to Australia - I leave it to you to figure out how exactly it'll be different.
Shouldn't Torrie have ME written in glitter on her top?
Around the outside, over the railing, through the crowd, back over the railing - hey, isn't this how you tie a bowline?
Crowd chanting "She's a crack whore," mistakenly identifying Wilson as Tammy, I suppose.
Douglas' trick knee acts up. Kick to the crotch. What's that, five? Six? Franchise outside - dragging Sting to the post - and crotching him on the post. HE'S PICKED HIS BODY PART!!!
Here's some scenic video of Queensland - and the close captioned logo - see that koala? He hates QANTAS
Skipper has new music - hey, what's worse than "Party Up?" A *ripoff* of "Party Up!"
You can tell how lame this is, 'cause I've stopped transcribing it. Eleven men in the ring and nothing going on.
Russo stayed home so he could have extra time to write this!
Knights have pretty damn cool music - somebody probably will get fired from that.
Take a drink every time somebody says "yak."
FRANCHISE is out to cover his woman and hold Tygress, frozen, in the Franchiser position as long as it takes for KONNAN to come out and save her.
Vito says it doesn't matter who it is, 'cause he's got big nuts. Or something.
Hey, did this keep you from turning to RAW? Well, you can do it now - you only missed around three minutes.
Nash reinjures knee stepping through the ropes.
Goldberg plays with rubber bands! NEXT!
Stevie Ray: "You never know when that jackhammer is coming." Me: "Umm, after the spear?"
Hey, I never know when the jackhammer is coming...oh, wait, there it is. Count it - 1, 2, 3.
THAT 70'S MULLET v. DAVID FLAIR in a hardcore match - I'm in the middle of a coughing fit here - let me get break it down thusly - garbage can, garbage can, garbage can, the fatter the commentator, the bigger the idiot.
I'm starting to think that these cough drops actually CAUSE coughing instead of PREVENTING it.
If I hear someone say "Thunder down under" ONE MORE TIME I'm gonna blow something up, I swear
Commissioner Foley sings to his plush dog - I mean, Sanders sings to a plush koala.
Back elbow for Adams - ducking a clothesline from Goldberg but ending up in position for the Book End! But Adams isn't a seller, you know, so he hiptosses T out of it instead.
BRING BACK JERRY FLYNN!!!! *HE* knows how to lose to Goldberg!
Blaise Alexander's 81 car sported the Ric Flair paintjob, but Flair couldn't be bothered to show up, though, and you GOTTA respect that. Alexander tried to blame a tire screwjob for his "Top 30" finish, but you and I know better.
Stevie Ray actually busts out the Japanese name of the cobra clutch, dizzying me for the rest of this play-by-play.
Knee in the corner, knee, knee, and amazingly, even though his hair is back in a ponytail, he STILL has to stop to brush it back.
You know that guy with the "LANCE, WE HATE YANKS TOO!" sign? He paid an *American* company to sit there.
Halloween Havoc ad - "you will see something you cannot imagine" - what, Vince McMahon walking out and taking charge? I can imagine that. I can imagine that quite easily.
Backstage, Perfect Event squabble until Coach Nash....whatever. Fortunately, the commentators talk over whatever Nash was saying so I can't be bothered to hear it.
THAT 70's MULLET & CROWBAR v. PERFECT EVENT (with "Coach" Nash & NBA starts Nov. 1!) - oh, they're "Those 70's Guys" now. Why ruin one guy with a crappy gimmick when you can ruin TWO?
Post-match, "Coach" throws a chair in the ring, then gets in to keep Stasiak and Palumbo from shoving. Fortunately, he manages to brush his hair back between moves.
Stevie Ray proclaims Paisley "the worst yak of 'em all," and by God, his word is good enough for me.
I guess like Johnny broke his ankle landing wrong on the monkey flip, and they went right to Kwee-wee getting the pin. We quickly go to ad break amid mass confusion...unfortunately, the match was cut short before the ref could bump.
Here's a look at lovely Melbourne - a lovely cricket grounds - and a lovely replay of Johnny demolishing his right ankle off the monkey flip. He was stretchered out. That Kwee-Wee is a MONSTER
Adams: "You know, the problem with this business is sometimes when wrestlers start believin' their hype!" Did *Adams* just say that?
"When you step into the ring with these two bears, we're gonna take your career, we're gonna take your undefeated streak, and we're gonna take a nice big bowl of porridge and (shove it up your ass!)" Does Adams know what "bears" are?
Clusterfrickery ensued.
Midajah says something in Spanish that gets muted, and Steiner translates into muted English. Apparently, we'll get a Kidman/Steiner match out of this...I think. Jarrett says he'll be happy to ...well, HE gets muted too. Hell, how can I keep track of ANYTHING if they have to mute everything every ten seconds? That's not Standards & Practices' fault...that's just a sloppy lack of discipline amongst those doing the performing.
Don't you wish they'd settle the strike so we could see BRAND NEW annoying 1-800-CAL-LATT commercials? No? Oh.
Here come the lumberjacks...looks like everybody that wasn't injured or led away naked on ecstasy...
Bring up the credits and take us home, 'cause I'm just about done with this crap.
"You're watching BULL!"
Let's Take a Special Video Look at Sam Greco - surely you, as I, have grown to know and love him over the course of this Australia tour....what do you MEAN, "who?"
RAYMOND STEREO (with Tygryss) v. "ABOVE" AVERAGE MIKE SANDERS in a "no DQ" match - what exactly does "no DQ" mean in WCW, anyway? Odds are this'll end in a DQ *anyway*.
Kronik prevents Goldberg from WALKING by punking him out from behind. The iWatch logo gets a piece as well. I ain't gonna miss that iWatch logo, lemme tellya
WCW Magazine ad - I ain't gonna miss THEM neither
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE & SAY FROOT BOOTY ALREADY. The other guy flicks an imaginary toothpick because SCOTT HALL GOT FIRED FIRED FIRED YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS LEFT NEENER NEENER NEENER GET READY FOR UNEMPLOYMENT HOO HOO HOO HA HA HA - by the way, I'm *not* quitting to take a WCW colour commentary role...not to my knowledge, anyway. If I am, somebody needs to let me know. Yuk yuk.
Backstage, Goldberg is WALKING! Oh boy, the old "guy looks for guy for two hours" plot device.
Awesome tells Crowbar to get in the bus while he talks about getting his title shot. His music starts playing for no reason. Pamela says "groovy." I shoulda quit LAST week.
Listen to the voiceover guy here. "Halloween Havoc. It is a night created to test the faith of all those who stand before it - a night that will warp innocence into insanity, and the bizarre will reign supreme." Think on these words, my friends. Think on these words.
"MY THEME SUCKS ROCKS ON A STICK" ELIX SKIPPER v. COLD "10-0" BEER - Stevie Ray scoreboard for this segment: "Prime Time!" 17, "P-" 1, "Prime House" 1, and "His house!" zero.
Look! Sam Greco kicks a bag! And he punches too!
Commentators continue to fellate Sam Greco - yeah, HE'LL turn the battle around.
Ric Flair is WALKING! I like how he's the only guy that seems to notice that there's a camera in front of him in this situation.
Well, holy cats, it's none of them - KEVIN NASH is out and...we take an ad break?? Yikes! TBS - it's a guy thing. Hey, I saw Juventud Guerrera in that ad!
Apparently, it took Kevin Nash three minutes and twenty seconds to get in the ring, because when we come back, he's just entering...
T goes to Nash and punches away...until Nash throws the uppernut. Hey, I wonder who booked this match? Is it the guy punching out both Mysterio AND Booker T?
Kidman unveils a new "You can't powerbomb Kidman" counter as he hits a huracanrana on Adams. Adams says "hey, nobody told me I had to SELL in this match" and tosses Kidman with a chokeslam, although the camera misses it. (14:42)
WCW logo - everything must go
If you haven't heard, Scott Hall was released last week - with any luck, Nash will let us in on it sometime tonight. The "Last Call Hall" shirt may be an indicator. I hear that Scott Keith is gonna sue for royalties 'cause HE invented that slogan.
Stevie Ray is ACTUALLY SUCKING ON PALUMBO'S WANG RIGHT NOW.
Nash tries to make his eyes flash like in the opening credits, but it doesn't work. Stasiak walks off...I think. We keep watching Nash. The whole WORLD revolves around Kevin Nash. "I'll tell you something right now, fellas. Stasiak, tonight, is gonna learn a little something called tough love...from the Coach. You won't see it on Vivid Video, baby." NASH WATCHES PORN! I *KNEW* IT!
Paulshock stands with Steiner and Midajah. I smell another award winning promo from the Pump!
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Savage), Tootsie candies, America (ha!) Online, Geico, Geico, Tootsie candies, spam, baked beans, spam, tomato, spam, spam, eggs, bacon, spam and spam. And Tootsie candies.
Syren is in but Kaz is too busy attacking - camera splits the difference and shows us NOTHING.
Let's be kind and sum it up with: This segment wasn't exactly the greatest.
This, friends, is 3 Count getting a PUSH. High Time, Clark covers Sugar Shane Helms. 1, 2, 3. (0:59)
"Well, WCW, this Outsider gimmick...it ain't a work. And it's ON. Outsiders WILL run again." Hey, Nash, remember the LAST guy to say "It's ON?" Hint: he laughed like a hyena when Rena Mero sat in the front row
Promotional consideration paid for by Nitro: the trading card game, Tootsie candies, America (ha!) Online, Toy Story 2, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, Tootsie candies, and Tootsie candies.
And Tootsie candies.
LISTEN TO THAT CROWD! Hey, don't get me wrong - that would have been funny...if I cared. It doesn't help when the commentators fall over themselves laughing just to let me know *funny* it is.
And Tootsie candies.
I will DIE if I don't get to hear somebody say "Faceful o' stuff" before this segment ends. Ohhh...guess I was lying about dying.
Your hosts include TONY SCHIAVONE & FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WILL YOU PLEASE SAY FROOT BOOTY. The other guy flicks an imaginary toothpick because OH HELL YEAH SCOTT HALL IS FIRED FIRED FIRED FIRED FIRED GET USED TO THE SOUND OF THE WORD FIRED FIRED FIRED FIRED FIRED - hey, where *is* Scott Hudson, anyway? ("Sitting next to Heenan at the Worldwide set." "Oh, thanks.")
Here he comes - stick shot! WHACK! WHACK! Tony says "Lethal Weapon" - I oughta KICK HIS ASS RIGHT NOW.
WHITE THUNDER (with Midajah & a tiger & two tiger handlers) v. THAT 70'S MULLET - Commentators express their condolences on Yokozuna's passing...whoa. Stevie Ray sees the tiger and makes a "Daktari" reference. My head's spinning.
Dammit, Steiner's gonna speak again.
Holding his legs apart for Mysterio's top rope legdrop - that's his move, Tony! Kidman covers - 1, 2, Jindrak has to KICK OUT because the outside interference was late to the party - this is WCW!
Post-match, none of these six guys seem to get along. So why'd the Knights interfere? Tony sums it up best. "A personal score? A personal vendetta? Angry about last night? We may never know the answer!" and they fade out to the ad break.
Kwee-wee is wearing enough glitter to worry about a Goldfinger death.
Got the kendo stick - across the back from the apron to the floor. Whip into the rail...is reversed. Kendo stick from the Kwee-wee. Run into a garbage can. Stomp. Into the safety rail. Garbage can lid. Pink garbage can. Kendo stick. Maybe I could just type "spot. spot. spot." instead.
WCW Mayhem ad spotlights Scott Steiner. "You cannot imagine what will happen until you see it." Since they've used that line, what, four or five PPV's in a row, and each time it becomes less and less meaningful...I think we can either conclude that they're just not paying attention, or they really ARE frozen and coasting.
Listen to Goldberg steal the thunder - I mean, "give the rub."
Graphic sez: "The following is a paid announcement from the Mouth of the South, Jimmy Hart."
Hart issues an open challenge to any radio disk jockey who wishes to wrestle on Monday nights. Hey, you know what'll turn WCW around? JIMMY HART WRESTLING DISC JOCKEYS!
A door is labelled "C.E.O." - we look at the ground as the door opens...and...somebody...is.....WALKING! Hey, cameraman, why not LOOK UP AT THE HEAD! LOOK UP...LOOK...ah, hell, let's sit through this ad break and find out.
Oh, who cares. Not THIS crowd, apparently. I've never heard Flair get such a restrained reaction. When *Ric FREAKIN' Flair* can't get you up, is there any point in continuing?
PAMELA PAULSHOCK stands with Kevin Nash and Perfect Event. Nash says this team will now act as a well-oiled machine. Stasiak apologises and pledges his team-player-ed-ness. Pats on the ass are exchanged. Did I just use "well-oiled" and "pats on the ass" in the same paragraph? Did I juse use "well-oiled" and "pats on the ass" in the same sentence? Did I just do it again? Yes, yes, and yes.
Nash stops to make love to a Scott Hall cutout in the crowd. Maybe he'll get all SHOOTY on the headset!
Out of respect for all the people who paid to see this match last night, I'll forego three minutes of play-by-play and summarise with "it's all Cat until Sanders manages a sleeper, but the arm doesn't fall three times, so Cat goes back to work, including all his goofy breakdancing moves, culminating in a Feliner for the pin (2:57)." Well, ALMOST three minutes.
MAD PROPS: Special thanks, as always, to my gracious host and kissing partner (and nitpicky editor), Kim. Right now, she's wondering if I'll change this paragraph later - not on your life, baby!
EGO: I heartily encourage any WCW fans (are there any left?) who have problems with the way I write to meet me on my brand new EZboard. I promise you that if you make intelligent points that you can back up, I will be happy to try to explain anything I have said in the past - or anything I say in the present, for that matter. Or, if you like, you can just insult me...I don't think it'll go over as well, but I have no problem taking your best shot...then making a smartass comment in return.
All right, let's get this damn party started right and/or quickly...
Don't hate the playa, hate this catchphrase
At some other indiscriminate time, Kevin Nash and the Thrillers watched a monitor. I think Nash suggested putting these guys (with Jarrett) into a title match, but when Sanders asked him what he said, he responded with "what the HELL did I just say?" so I don't know. Sanders went on to suggest that making such a match would DEFINITELY result in someone being S-O-L...Nash, showing an incredible amount of workrate as well as desire to see this company succeed, swung his head around to O'Haire for the "and you know what that means line." Then they all started BLEATING LIKE SHEEP - I *shit* you not. That's a HELL of a way to set the tone for this show, ain't it?
Hudson misidentified Kwee-wee's EBTG ripoff as a Moby ripoff - keep trying, friend! GOOD NIGHT!
Storm holds it on and Paisley calls for her backup with a mayday "Code: Bad Hair Day." THEMONSTERMENG comes out, completely 'frolicious, and cleans house. Storm acts scared of Meng. Remember when he held three titles at once? ("Remember when Meng lost his job?" "See, he came back at Storm's request on Thunder." "What was THAT about?" "Umm....")
Let's Take You Back to the Weekend when Diamond Dallas Page, Rick Steiner, the Cat and Buff Bagwell slummed on "Battledome." Please tell me: which show is giving which the rub? Also, which half of this crew isn't currently active in WCW?
Stasiak is announced as winner by forfeit. Schiavone says that only pinfalls or submissions count these days, so he's not the new champion. Forfeits don't COUNT where the title is concerned? SINCE FUCKING WHEN? Let's just add one more level of lameness to this salad, shall we?
It takes a certain member of the commentary crew a whole three seconds to completely bury Flair in an attempt to put himself over with a "funny joke," and I'm not going to repeat it.
The Dragons and 3 Count team up on Karagias until JAMIE (HOWARD, nee -SAN) shows up with a chair and saves him. (Kim: "Why didn't Madusa save him?" Me: "Umm...*I* didn't even remember that.")
LANCE STORM joins the commentary team, still wearing a large amount of glitter. He asks why Alex Wright gets the shot tonight despite the fact that he's had three titles and never lost any of them. Sounds like BAD BOOKING to me...
He requests a seat at the commentary table as we take our last ad break. Scott Steiner: man of science and letters
Holy cow, did Billy Silverman have a hair colouring "incident?" Steiner says T ain't got no diggity, then gets muted talking about the...hair up his ass? Who knows? What does that even mean?
QUICK QUOTES: AOL 49.07 (- 6.79), TWX 73.68 (- 9.88 ... last year: 70 15/16), SPLN 7 15/16 (- 1 1/2 ... last year: 42 5/16) - now, you see what happens when you don't pick a president??
I apologize for the above tangent. Even *I* don't know what my point was...
I think there was a WCW logo in here, but my VCR didn't start RIGHT on time, so you'll just have to pretend I saw it (and said something funny here - of course, some of you have to "pretend" I'm funny EVERY week)
Here comes MOST OF THE LOCKER ROOM to ringside - gosh, Luger and Bagwell are awful close to each other, given their recent history... after all this, THE MAN, who is apparently *still* the CEO (hey, with this crew of short-memoried bookers, *one never knows*) comes out and hits the ring.
Did they give just Crowbar the title because Reno can't leave the country? He wasn't in Australia, right? Am I the only one that notices these things? Do you feel benefit from my insightful, educated guesses? FINE.
"The Perfect Storm" was playing on the plane. I didn't spring for the headset, but as near as I can tell, it's a giant waste of time. I mean, they suffer trials, tribulations, and travails...and then DIE AT THE END anyway? Talk about pointless!
The following announcement is paid for by Jimmy Hart. Since he didn't pay ME anything, I see no need to summarize it for you.
Meanwhile, the Animals watch this on a WCW.com approved monitor. They stooge him off to Ric Flair, who just happened to be walking by. I'm confused....if they're watching the same show I'M watching, why aren't they seeing THEMSELVES? Ohhhh, it must be one of those MAGIC monitors
Earlier Today, the BattleDome "warriors" apparently came all the way to England to attack....oh, HORSESHIT, they did.
Coming up this hour: this match! What's the big surprise for the Boogie Knights? US title on the line as Rection takes on Storm! Four corners match with Nash and three Thrillers! And the finals of the London Lethal Lottery! Unfortunately, YOU'VE already switched to TNN!
WHITE THUNDER is out with his lead pipe. T going for the Book End, but Steiner is in with a pipe shot to Booker T. High Time is academic - Clark hooks the leg for the fall. On the World heavyweight champion. Christ, do these guys EVER job to ANYBODY? I'll tell you after the finals. (4:39)
Hey, Kevin, as I watch you come out in your old red "Outsider" tights and pants, only one question comes to mind: IS IT FUN YET?
Is Nash really selling Stasiak's rights, or is he just trying to flip his hair back?
CAT (with Mz. Jonez) v. "PRIME TIME" ELIX SKIPPER - this match needs to be kept in a time capsule for no other reason than Stevie Ray provides his absolute FINEST example of commentary to date, starting from his peals of laughter the moment Cat calls his "Sammy Davis lookin' Jr ass" into the ring. In fact, let's just pull out the spotlight and transcibe Stevie Ray to give you the full flavour of this match. You'll be able to deduce the words of Schiavone and Tenay in between the lines. "Prime Time! Prime Time! Who house is this? Who house is this? Prime Time! Lookit the Cat go! Lookit the Cat go! Armdrag by the Cat! Lookit the Cat go! Three time world karate champion! Oh I heard that one! And he nailed that one! Look out - look out - oh man! Yes. Yes I do. Yes I do, if he got any sense in that big, s-- thick cranium of his - hit on Miss Jones! Look at Prime Time - Prime Time's got a mean streak in him tonight, guys - that's what them yaks do to a man - *put a mean streak* in him, Tony! Ah, he's just out sayin' lookout baby, I got your man in check, that's what he said. Oh! Tell 'em, Prime Time - that's what I'm - hey - hey - you guys don't - you guys don't understand, baby, that's how you got to talk to them yaks, baby, that's what they understand. Prime Time - lookout - AHHHHH!!! HAAAAAhahahahahahahaha - HAAAAhahahahaha - ohhhhhhhh - it came from Yak University - Yak University, baby! Yak U! Yak U! Look out! Boom! Oh MAN, double chop! Well, I guess she - guess she good for SOMETHING - oh oh, oh oh, OH OH...jig jerry jig POP! AHHHHHhahahaha! That was it - I been waiting for it all night, baby! DAAAAhahahah - POW! There it IS! Prime Time. Prime Time's in trouble. Oh, look out. Look out. Lookit the strength, you gotta give it to him - lotta dead weight right there and then Prime Time's got him up, back suplex. Look. What is that? He's got a couple of those, guys. Ow. OH MAN. That - you can never count a guy like the Cat out, he's got such an uh, arsenal. Look out! FEE-liner!" (3:27)
Sting bounces off the ropes and headbutts Adams' crotch. Does he seem to do that spot an awful lot...for a Christian, I mean?
Highlights of Thunder from Manchester's MEN Arena - and the men were in full force, doing manly things and being men at their most man...ah, hell, it's just an *acronym* for "Manchester Evening News" - why am I breaking into THIS shtick? I can't be BORED ALREADY, can I? That would sure suck.
Tank Abbott, Vampiro, the Great Muta, Demon, Daffney...see if you can figure out what all these performers have in common...besides appearing in these Opening Credits
WE ARE BACK AND LIVE from the Richmond County Civic Center in Augusta, GA (down there we have a good time, we don't talk, we all get together, any kind of weather and we do the camel walk - HEY!)
Backstage, we see Alex Wight on the cel phone...talking to Disqo. Spying Kronik, he walks over and tells them he has a job for them. Adams asks "how much money you got? You know the gimmick." Wright asks if they'll take personal cheques. Clark says "Do THE ACOLYTES take personal cheques?" (He didn't really, sorry.)
For some reason, Duggan spends the ENTIRE segment with both hands over his mouth and his eyes bugged out.
Gunns says "Don't blame Canada, blame yourself" and Paulshock, having studied at the feet of Okerlund the Swearer says "what a bitch!"
When was the last time a pinch hit partner successfully defended his title? NEVER. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. (3:22) Oh, you want details? Your funeral...
It's a bit like taping three months of Worldwide at the Disney studios, the inflexibility with which they've handled this set of title changes...don't you think?
"The following is a paid announcement by Mancow" - NEXT
RICK WOOF WOOF walks out at this point with the Battle Dome belt - is he limping? For some reason, Steiner gets muted every time he says "boys," presumably because they're brothas. Mayhem is 6 Days Away! Steiner drops "You want some? Come get some! You don't like me? Bite me!" T-Money hits the ring....and goes down. Three other warriors (two of 'em are white, even!) hit the ring and the numbers take over. Security does NOTHING. Oh, wait, there they are, finally. I could have been washing my hair, but NOOOOOO, I had to RECAP NITRO.
If you're like me, all you can wonder is...WHEN did Nash undo his bun?
I *still* have a 1995 Nitro tape with Duggan taking on Themonstermeng - these guys NEVER stop fighting each other! Schiavone: "This is Meng - he will eat you now." Meanwhile, Themonstermeng's found his COOL PANTS!
Why do they zoom into Gunns so close that we can see the little fake boobie implant creases?
A sneaky cameraman catches Franchise and Jeff Jarrett having a discussion...at least, they do until somebody says "clear." Bush league rank amateurs, this production staff.
For some reason, the commentators are actually SURPRISED that Goldberg is the opponent. Why are they talking about golf clubs that don't admit brothas while Goldberg walks out? The world may never know.
Jones dances, Cat dances, Jones AND Cat dance, Bagwell laughs. I guess Franchise isn't gonna accept the challenge. I dunno. Who cares.
THE PPV: In a surprising flip-flop, *Scott* was right and *Rick* was wrong. I know! I don't believe it either!
Funny, this isn't the WCW logo - it's the seal of the President of the United States of America! Did TNT just get a news division?
As a "SPECIAL BULLETIN - BREAKING NEWS" crawl takes up the bottom of our screen, the camera pulls out to a lectern...and an unidentified, grey-haired fellow just walked in. "Thank you for coming, ladies and gentlemen. At long last, this national crisis is over. The votes are in, they've been tallied, confirmed, and reconfirmed. Finally, we have an answer as there is a clear cut winner. The man who will lead this country into the new millennium - ladies and gentlemen of the press, it pleases me to announce the next president of the United States of America..." he motions off camera, but from the other side, Jeff Jarrett appears...and gives him El Kabong. "There's ONE vote you forgot to count! Now choke on that, slapnut!" Funny, but ONE segment from WCW just *entertained* me more than an entire "Smack down your vote" campaign from the WWF...even if it *does* make me wonder if David McLane's been doing a little freelance consulting...
Number of times somebody said "harder edge from the Misfits" during this match: a few thousand.
If this is Stevie Ray's swan song...well....at least they FINALLY let him say "froot booty" just one more time.
Promotional consideration paid for by Crown Books' "I'm Next," Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online 6.0, Geico, Geico, Geico, Geico, tomato and Geico
A free public service to my friends at WCW - hell, to my friends at WWF as well: "Kwang" is a trademark of the WWF, and certain WCW announcers would probably be incredibly wise to STOP SAYING IT.
THE NARCISSIST is all smiles and waves on his way to the ring. He's been watching his William Regal tapes!
The following segment, a paid announcement from Jimmy Hart, has been skipped for my sanity.
"Our world is about to change...AGAIN. BLOOD RUNS COLDER. GLACIER: the Ice Age returns to WCW...again." This *COULD* have been really funny, except our commentary team just *falls all over themselves* to tell us how awful Glacier was and how they can't BELIEVE he's back, ruining any enjoyment you and I could have had by saying the very same things, only to find out later we had to eat our words because we were legitimately swerved by what they eventually DO serve up, which can't be anything BUT a joke NOW. Did that make sense? It's like when your parents tell you "This is gonna be cool" about something, and you think, well, MAYBE it COULD have been cool, but now because they TOLD you so, well there's just no WAY it'll be cool NOW. Even if it turns out that it IS. It was RUINED. Anyway....hopefully the commentators can just let the joke play out on its own without constantly feeling a need to tell us "hey, look! It's a joke!" or without me saying "well, what did we expect? This is WCW!" because, truth be told, tonight's show hasn't been all that bad. 'Course, we got an hour to go...
KEVIN NASH (with stills from Mayhem) and DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE come out with a few minutes of self-serving crap regarding some guy just arrested for driving while intoxicated again. HEY YO, I'M IN JAIL!
Ewww, there are entirely TOO MANY of Goldberg's bodily fluids on display during this walk backstage... YIKES! Was that gum or a SUPER LOOGIE? That'd make a FUN screen capture, wouldn't it?
Post-match, THE NARCISSIST shows up, chairs Goldberg...who thinks about it...then decides to sell it.
But that's not Scott Steiner's music playing...it's SID VISCOUS come back to kill us all...oops, he only gets two seconds because we're out of time credits SEE YA!
EVERYTHING: was moved to the top of the RAW recap since nobody reads the Nitro report anymore. It's true! I have numbers that PROVES it!
This, of course, raises an interesting philosophical discussion. Did people stop reading because people stopped caring about WCW, or did they stop reading because *I* stopped caring about WCW?
Konnan challenges the country cranberries to a Filthy Animals Street Fight at Starrcade, so orale arriba la raza Starrcade. I think he actually said that!
Let Us Take You Back to Thunder, where Torrie Wilson suffered a money saving injury...
Cat puts Duggan into the safety rail head first - if Heenan were there, he'd say "you'd think that wouldn't hurt him!" but he's not because WCW hates me.
I take it we're losing all the military names? Is that a grudging acceptance of the fact that it was a dumb idea? (No, no, see, it WORKED. Now that they're OVER, we can go back to their original names.) (That doesn't even make SENSE.) (Umm, let me try it again...)
I wonder what's on the other channel. So does thta guy in the crowd with the "RAW JUST STARTED" sign.
Nash puts Helms on top of Moore and covers them both. 1, 2, 3. (4:34) I hope they squash EVERY up and coming team!
Buff Bagwell STILL carries the power of Lee M. Cardholder's card - man, that guy's gonna be PISSED when he finally gets around to reporting it stolen!
"Our World is About to Change...Again..." It would just KILL the commentators to SHUT UP and let this thing go without comment, wouldn't it? I think...yes, *I* am singlehandedly going to get Glacier over. SOMEBODY'S gotta do it!
Backstage, Crowbar catches up with Daffney - it's so great having her out there tonight, it's just like old times, what a great team they make. Daffney asks it he needs a ride. "I sort of..." and Baby and Chiquita appear on each arm. "I'll see ya next week." And off they go. A tech tries to get into the case she's sitting on...she hisses at him and he decides..maybe later. Awww....poor Daff's depressed. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE REALISED YOU LOVED HIM BACK WHEN YOU WERE FLAUNTING OZZIE IN FRONT OF HIM YOU...YOU STRUMPET
Whoa. I'm sorry, there. Must have been a flashback
TV-14-DL - "We now return you to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress..." Jeff Jarrett kabongs a cajun chef - close captioned - you know, if you wanted to try to FOOL someone, you probably shouldn't air a "Nitro: NEXT!" promo right before you start your "fake" show
I ended up falling asleep, not only missing most of the Supreme Court excitement, but also the Season Premiere of BATTLEBOTS on Comedy Central (because when you think "comedy," think BATTLEBOTS)....
Here comes MIKE SANDERS to provide tat to Flair's tit. (tee hee)
At this point, the post-production heroically tries to cover up an "Asshole" chant....unfortunately, the commentators don't know they're doing this, so they talk about it, confusing the viewing audience. I believe it's actually written down somewhere that any spontaneous heat generated by the crowd needs to be dampened as quickly as possible....I mean, you don't think they lose eighty million without a PLAN, do you?
Gunns spends about a half hour bending over to get between the ropes, earning her a big pop. Would we call this a "feeling out" process? Golly, I'D sure like to...ohh, whatever.
Cat and Jones dance over Storm's corpse. He'll be singing the American national anthem tomorrow. Do you smell something? Smells like...RATINGS
SANTA CLAUS is nearby, so Smiley grabs his sack and runs it into Meng's midsection.
Santa is in the ring...powder in both men's faces! Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman calls for the bell, because hardcore matches are "no DQ" (relaxed DQ 3:27)
Meanwhile, the Harris Boyz find two giant sandwiches
Meanwhile, the Filthy Animals watch them eat on a monitor. They pull Rey Mysterio out of a suitcase (HUH?) and yuk it up...apparently, Mysterio spiked the sandwiches with laxatives...STAY TUNED FOR MIRTH!
At Starrcade, it's Sid Vicious vs. Scott Steiner. Sadly, it's looking more and more like they're not going to swerve us into a better main event...
...but he runs right into a Jungle Kick from Palumbo. Holy cow, Hudson remembers to call it the Jungle Kick! I love this man!
Okay, anybody who *didn't* see this coming, raise your hand.
Backstage, where Crowbar, Kwee-wee and Meng lick their wounds. Jaime Knoble walks up and hits up these guys for career advice. Methinks he could have made a better choice.
WCWgear.com has the Lance Storm T-shirt - wouldn't it make a fine Christmas gift? Actually........no
I think my favourite part of this segment was when Heavy D and Big Ron ran off to take a crap.
Champion enters first because he's gonna test me again by daring me to transcribe yet ANOTHER one of his promos. I think you'll agree, however, that a recap just isn't a recap without a Scott Steiner transcript
A-Wall has him in the choke...chokeslam! But why cover him and get the title when you can set up a table instead?
Opening Credits - it might be my eyes, but I only see Booker T. twice in here now - and one of THOSE times, he's gettin' it with the gee-tar
Moore ducks it, off the ropes, sleeper, Helms shoves him off, drop toehold, waistlock and rollover for 2. Moore with a schoolboy for 2. Single leg trip gets 2 for Moore. Backslide for 2. Drop toehold by Moore, another roll gets 2. Moore with a body scissors rollup for 2. Helms says "I'm sick of your spot / spot / spot shit" and throws him over the top rope with a hairpull.
Going for the sunset flip over the top rope to the floor, but Moore flubs it and lands on his ass. He considers pretending it didn't happen, but Helms is all "I ain't selling THAT, yo" so Moore switches up, just pulling his ankles and hitting him face first on the mat.
Into the ropes, reversed, Helms with a forearm to the back - hooks the arms...reverse Gorry special...and GORRYBOMB. Oh, sorry, "Vertebraeker." JESUS. They're ruining this match! 1, 2, 3. (6:17)
Well, if tonight's show is anything like the PPV, I can lay out for the next two hours and coast, 'cause it ain't gettin' any better than THIS.
Helms ducks, Moore has him on his shoulders...double swinging neckbreaker---oh FUCK ME it's the "Nightmare on Helms Street." Well, these guys are ready for ECW to fold at least.
The following segment is paid for by Jimmy Hart - but NOT IN MY REPORT
Funk begging off "don't hit me - I'm seein' doubel now - I got a grandkid - please don't hit me - I don't give a damn, ya got a big fat nose, Meng" so Themonstermeng waffles him with the lid. Umm....okay.
Can to the head. Can to the head. He's wearing his Faces of Fear tights! Funk takes a ride on a case on wheels. Can to the head. Can to the head. It's all Themonstermeng. Can to the head. Can to the head. They're out to the aisle by now - into the safety rail with Funk. Can to the head. I need a "Can to the head" macro.
You cannot imagine how many consecutive months they'll say "you cannot imagine." Sin is 14 January! Sin - BRILLIANT name. I can see it now. "Mommy, Daddy....can we order Sin?" JUST BRILLIANT
Starrcade stills detail the painstakingly crafted story of how Reno turned on Big Vito in a shocking.....aw screw it
Monday Nitro will be pre-empted for the next two weeks - WOW! AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Tygress pounds the mat and the crowd comes...well, not "alive," technically, but less dead.
Oh my God! It's that gay "Bod" ad that isn't fake!
Only the healing power of "Tuesday Wednesday Thursday" can relieve me of the memory of that ad
WCW CHAMPIONSHIP CONTENDER'S MATCH - THAT 70'S MULLET (with Starrcade stills) v. ? - holy SMACK that place looks empty in the long shot.
Awesome carries THE STICK. I try to figure out how Awesome went from wrestling in trunks and not having 70's music LAST night to wrestling in jeans and belt and having 70's music tonight. Maybe he'll tell me. "Well it's that time again, ladies, the Love Doctor is in." Then again, maybe he won't.
Friday is a "special Christmas taping" - Worldwide and Thunder, I'm assuming - in Memphis, and BOY OH BOY doesn't hearing that Jimmy Hart will take on DJ's make you just ITCH to spend some money on a ticket?
Well, first let me say this - that first qualifier we saw...I forgot to say it back then, but kudos to whoever told Gunns and Tygress to just STAND there and not be part of that match - run-in free, screwjob free - and let's hope that that become a pattern for THIS match...and for the main event.
We cut to Norman Smiley watching the monitor intently..."he's coming back! Glacier's coming back! Finally, a real hero!" Then he starts wiggling.
FINALLY they figured out that this works better when the commentators don't act like they're all IN on how stupid it is. It's the difference between GOOD stupid and BAD stupid. The needle's tipping toward GOOD stupid...especially now that Smiley's just gotten (marginally) involved.
Courtesy "The Man Show," it's Hanukkah with Goldberg! Hey, how come Goldberg has to move over to Comedy Central to finally do something Jewish?
Wright STILL has the coolest music in WCW. Cat immediately gets to remarkin' on Wright's dancing style. "You dance like one of the Nitro Girls!" Apparently, that's an insult. OUCH.
Wright follows - stomp, recht, recht, elbow, that's got to be the LEAST painful looking version of the armbar I've seen in quite some time.
Meanwhile, Scott Steiner gives a pummelin' to the Jung Dragons, Evan Karagias & Jaime Knoble...and Elix Skipper. This is what we in the business like to refer to as a "push" ... for Steiner.
Hudson says that adjusting the brightness on your television won't make Sanders any smarter - which is a GREAT line. Take your time, Mike.
"You know, guys...lookin' at this crowd...I see you CAN take Richmond, Virginia out of the trailer park...but you can't take the trailer parks outta Richmond, Virginia!" --the hell? That doesn't even make sense! Hudson: "Mike, it's a two hour show!" That line ALWAYS works.
Now, THE CEO's music hits and out comes Flair for a counterpoint. Now, Flair finds a strobe light to stand in front of to give me another seizure. Now, I wonder what he's gonna say. Now, I wonder how much longer this segment can run before something happens. Now, I wonder how many consecutive sentences *I* can start with the same word. Now, I wonder if it'd be more than Sanders. Now, I think probably not.
By the way, this show will be pre-empted the next two weeks. Can I give you a CRAZY suggestion? Instead of spending all this time telling us Nitro WON'T be on, why not remind us that Thunder WILL be on? Is that too difficult? Do these guys WANT to ever actually MAKE money again?
Say, kids...just one simple question. Just one. Answer me this ONE question and I'll stop complaining. Who is the FACE in this matchup?
"You're watching BULL!"
You know, if you're like me...no, wait, I have no idea where I was going with that. Sorry.
"Guilty!" "Guilty!" "Guilty!" "Guilty!" "Guilty!" ALL RIGHT, I DID IT! I BURIED THE HEADLESS CORPSE AND THEN FRAMED THE BLIND GUY AT THE NEWSPAPER KIOSK! Oh, wait...sorry. Nothing.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week as Tori did some weird shit, man.
I already have a sneaky suspicion what's about to happen, but don't dare utter it for fear it'll come true.
Holly blowing one of my rules of thumb - "new tights = title win" - must speak to him about that.
Let Us Take You Back to the many, many times that DX has broken Test's nose over the course of the past two months. Amazingly, it looks okay today. But he's still gonna don that mask, just in case.
Meanwhile, the Big Show walks off without a word. Hey, he'll catch a frightful chill without a shirt! Show wears TOMMY!
Hey, how about an ad break? After all, that segment almost lasted - what, three minutes?
Yow, ANOTHER ad break! They're sure *milking* this "unopposed hour" thing, aren't they?
Terri over to rake Snow's back. Hoganesque, it was!
Postmatch, Snow tries to take some measure of revenge against Terri, but Matt has managed to recover enough to get in the cage and put the kibosh on THAT with some well-placed chair shots. Poor Al - on the plus side, he DID seem to get a nice handful of ass for his troubles, so. You know, if Terri had just dropped her panties, she could have escaped...oh well, maybe next time.
Mankind Takes Manhattan - with Chef Boyardee's Overstuffed ravioli. He may be fired, but by God, Chef Boyardee is gonna stick by THEIR contractual obligations!!
The Helmsleys take their usual position in the recliner underneath the EntertainmentTron. The Rock, strangely, walks right by them. Well, I think he MIGHT have looked at 'em on his way by.
Why, Big Show, what a PRETTY braid you're wearing!
"Hi, I'm the Big Show - Monday I held the most prestigious belt in the company - tonight I'm in the first man out in the prelim. I hate my life."
Chyna nabs the belt and walks off...presumably straight to a shower with the Kat - err, wait.
A knock at the door - on Helmsley's way out (presumably to book a match for Angle) it's Tori coming in - all the bathrooms are occupado, can she use theirs? Stephanie says knock yourself out. MY question is, how long will it take her to peel out of that fetishist's dream?
Stephanie smiles at her ability to forget what happened before the ad break.
Choke on the top rope. Stomp. Stomp. I could type this out with one finger.
Another gander at Tori's breasts - keeps the focus away from her face.
Tori looks blank and vapid as always.
Kane with a chokeslam - then a tombstone piledriver - and there's the pin after about half an hour - or, really (5:07).
Angle rushes him and it's on. Entrances and filibusterin' took (8:07) - coulda been worse, I guess. It could have been "This is the Rock's life."
TitanTron Live ad - man, what I wouldn't give to see a nice SURGE ad in its place - I miss it. "Love / is a burning thing / and it makes / a firey ring / I ran into a burning ring of fire / and it burns, burns, burns / ring of fire / ring of fire." Thank you, I'll be here all week!
Bossman ranting to no one in particular - how's that concussion?
Phatu motioning...Helmsley dragged over to the corner - looks like a Banzai Drop coming up. Stephanie saying "No!" a lot...but there it is. Nice shot of Stephanie on the OvalTron (on the right) as we see him hit it. 1...2...NO?!? Well, that's just bullshit.
Also you can't use capital letters correctly. I'm sorry, but I love you and I had to tell you for your own good.
I SAID IT: All you fair-weather recap readers who have no idea what I like and dislike, observe the following edited quotes from a recap past: ...something that sucks is about to happen. ... My friends, *Hell* is watching THIS crap take place before my eyes. ... oh, SHIT ... I do not want to see this. ... God, I so do not want to watch this. ... THIS WAS THE MOST FUCKING STUPID THING EVER. I don't care how much it costs, but drop this NOW. This is the kind of SHIT that makes columnists QUIT. [The commentators] tell us they've never seen anything like this before. Fucking lamers, speak up and tell us thais was the STUPIDEST thing ever PUT on _____. Come ON. That was me a year ago. Fill in the blank, you guess the show and detemine my bias!
Hint: It's not "Nitro."
Edge displays his teeth near the signup sheet.
Ross drops the bomb that Val's sister is engaged to Edge. Ahh, there's your subtext. I guess. Feel the excitement - WHEN FUTURE BROTHERS-IN-LAW COLLIDE!
Moments Ago - did Ross just say "X-Pac's manhood just exploded" or was I imagining it?
Did Ross just say "he just jerked off Scotty 2 Hotty" or was I imagining it? Is Ross DRUNK or something?
Each man grabs a ho and walks up the ramp for good measure! Now Godfather and D'Lo are over 'cause, dammit, those women are THEIR property! Err, that's probably a poor choice of words - oh well.
Tori, of course, has been converted into a fish out of water with her mouth flapping as if gasping for air. She runs off...hey, you know? I think I was wrong about that lack of payoff. I'm sorry. If you haven't figured out what's about to happen, you probably think "Wheel of Fortune" is challenging, too, but I'm not gonna spoil it for you - we'll probably find out together after this short break
Triple H tries to rally the troops. "We've gotta stick together!" "We've gotta *stick together?*" Road Dogg says "Okay, we'll stick together. Yeah. That's what we'll do. We'll stick together." You know, I'm beginning to get the feeling that the Outlaws and X-Pac - they're gonna stick together!
Mankind is WALKING! The Rock is WALKING!
Roger Corman is SPINNING! (in his grave - wait - he's dead, right?)
Kiss from Stephanie? YES! THEIR LIPS MET FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS! THE SPARK IS STILL THERE! Umm, WHY am I screaming?
"Rock E" chant starts as the match finally kicks off and gets underway as it's the Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" and it's all downhill from here. Punch! Kick! Rock can do it all! Into the corner, Gunn manages a neckbreaker to stop the onslaught. Gunn says "I, too, can punch and kick - and also stomp" and proceeds with a demonsration as the picture goes out. Amazingly, this match is about the same even as a black screen.
Gunn with three rights, running the face along the ropes. This guy's the next Bret Hart! Just kidding.
Faarooq is the man (so hit your knees and start praying) as he blatantly chops his crotch in X-Pac's general direction. That reminds me - we haven't seen Mae Young all night - THANK YOU!
Ross proclaims it a Pier Six brawl - I only count Pier Two, but why quibble?
Opening Credits - "You are watching SmackDown! / You are watching UPN / You are watching SmackDown! / These probably aren't the lyrics"
Mankind invades Manhattan - with Chef Boyardee Overstuffed beef ravioli! Seems a little weird to see this after Cactus Jack appeared...
The Outlaws are heels, right? I can't tell from the big singalong before the match starts...and Dogg ain't no poet - don't you know it.
"IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU CAME UP WITH THE NAME COACH!" Coachman dutifully cowers before the mighty presence of the Rock, the dominant dog.
For the first time in quite a while, Snow is "J.O.B. Squad" clothing free - don't worry, he's not NEKKID or anything - he's got all black tonight. Hardcore Holly, incidentally, is a former J.O.B. Squad member - what do you MEAN you don't care that you'd forgotten that? Where's your sense of heritage - of the rich history that is the World Wrestling Federation? The many, many elements ROBUSTLY combining to weave a tapestry of...TRADITION! If we cannot remember the past, we are doomed to repeat -- wait a minute! Holly and Snow ARE repeating history! They're both teaming up - to job - once again! MY GOD! Quick, call your parents RIGHT NOW and tell them that you love them - because who knows WHAT'S going to happen next! Oops, I appear to have missed the match while I was droning on - Phatu with the sitout piledriver on Crash for the pin. (4:17)
As Chyna walks off, Jericho thinks to himself, "gosh! She really HAS changed!" while the rest of us scream at the TV, "DON'T *FALL* FOR IT, YOU FOOL!"
Back in the ring - powerbomb coming up - but YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB MATT HARDY!
"But make no mistake, Lilian - I...don't..like...the Rock." Hmmm, is that a heel turn? Can you cross the Rock and still be a face? Well, hell, with ME you can! Go go big show!
Blackman with a Paul Roma-esque jump onto the second turnbuckle - elbowdrop misses - that's also Roma-esque, ha.
Tori runs off and Chyna gives us an "I'm so clever" look which just doesn't work as well with that sparkly eye shadow - but that's just MODO.
Is it just me or are a lot of people in the audience going out for snax?
"Hey! Man, what is goin' on with you guys, man, one week you dress like women, you got skirts on, man, I gotta know, man, what's going on in your minds, man, are you all there?" Wow, he just set a record for the number of times the word "man" is said.
Backstage we see Chyna and Kat laughing like little girls - which, when you think about it...nah.
Kat runs to the ring, nabs the intercontinental title belt, and runs back to Chyna with it. I saw those breasts once - for one second - they were small 'n' perky!
Oh, man! "Battle Dome!" Ferrall on the bench at the bottom of the barrel!
Stephanie's got all the rhythm of the Caucasian race behind her attempts to chop her crotch in time with the "X" pyrotechnics.
Hey, TONY CHIMEL cuts quite a handsome figure, you leave him alone!
IRON CHEF SPOILER: The Iron Chef ITALIAN loses to the Iron Chef CHINESE. (Wonder how many people I just pissed off with THAT tidbit.)
With the "Miss Royal Rumble" swimsuit competition only six days away, why NOT have a sneak preview tonight? That's right, six women and TWELVE breasts!
Cactus Jack is in the house! And NO matches announced before the show! Because WE know what YOU want to see and on that big list, WRESTLING comes in down around FIFTH!
"Moments Ago" footage shows DX rushing...ah, hell, just go reread the above.
Test stops to make a "funny" comment on the smell of some guy's dump, allowing Bossman to take advantage of the distraction. And by "funny," I mean "unintelligible."
Terri fluffs up her headlights, and shows off her ribs. I *guess* that'll make me stay tuned. I mean, TWIST MY ARM.
Lockup, knee from Brown, right, kick, opposite corner whip, up and over, Christian kicks, right, right, opposite corner, block, neckbreaker attempt, reversal, off the ropes, hiptoss from Christian, dropkick, arm wringer, tag, Edge with a kick, right, off the ropes, reversed, duck, spinning heel kick from Edge, clothesline, reversal, into the gut, right, tag, off the ropes, hiptoss blocked, hiptoss blocked the other way, clothesline by the Godfather, stomping away, off the ropes, big boot, elbowdrop, another, is this the longest string of commas EVER?, cover, 2.
Of course, the mystery opponent is STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh), which is supposed to be bad, because Blackman won't interfere on Angle's behalf in this match. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Hey! Can't Blackman just LAY DOWN for Angle?" No, no, my friend. You see, Blackman is a COMPETITOR. Blackman is a FIGHTER. Blackman - Steve Blackman - is the Lethal Weapon. This'll be a barnburner.
Show pats Coach's cheek and you can actually see his ENTIRE face disappear beneath that paw.
Kat sensuously massages her thigh...I'm thinking about sensuously massaging parts of MY body. Oh, COME ON - that's a pretty good line!
Look at Luna and Jackie trying to get over as wrestlers during this bit - and LAUGH and laugh and laugh.
But boy, you haven't LIVED until you've seen Mae Young doing that ol' pelvic thrust!
Oh, Stephanie's on third headset, now let's ignore her.
"Moments Ago" footage shows what we just done seen. Oh, I guess we COULD have been watching the other show. HAhahahahahahahahahahaha
Wow! A three hour Mary Kay Letourneau EVENT! Maybe if I commit some crimes they'll make a movie about ME!
"Full nelson bomb" by Dudley (which didn't look painful as BOTH men landed on their rumps).
You know why Jericho's the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE? He always lets you know he's watching the monitor and is aware of what's going on! I think he's the ONLY guy paying attention to that TV just like you'n'me.
Ross narrates a "Mary Kay LeTourneau Event" promo - good God man, how do you SLEEP at night? ("On a mattress full of money - why do you ask?" "Oh... never mind.")
And now, the WWF Rewind, presented by Jackson Hewitt Tax Service - from SmackDown!, the Big Show refuses to tag in - and later, chokeslams the Rock.
Wait a minute. JACKSON HEWITT? How many kids in the 2-11 demo need their *taxes* prepared, for crying out loud? Somebody get Bob Ryder on this!
Quote me: Dogg rhymes without reason. That's a pretty good line - I wonder who I stole it from.
Hey, I think I'm onto something here! Take a close look in the ring - right there. Am I imagining things or does senior referee "Blind" Earl Hebner seem to have more hair NOW than he did the last time we saw him a few weeks back? Or did he just colour it? I think there's definitely some different hair action going there.
Crowd chants "Big Show sucks" - I'm thinking the CROWD sucks. Big Show is THIS close to "my man" status!
How come nobody talked about all the pixelation and green rectangling on THUNDER! last night? And all that because the word "GAY" was on the sign and they didn't want us to see it! How LAME can you get? Talk about WCW being a bunch of GLAAD lap dogs...of course, at least they didn't ever air something like DDP insinuating that Buff was very pretty and all the guys liked him, immediately followed by Bagwell taking offense and beating up Page...oh, but that DID happen on THUNDER! too, didn't it? Hmm, I guess this won't be resolved in THIS paragraph.
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW, out with a smattering pyro and a healthy touch of booing from the crowd... but not from me! He's dressed in his "catburglar" getup - black jacket and black wool hat. His mom probably told him to wear it - "wear your hat or you'll catch a chill!" "Mom, who was my real father?"
I'm gonna say it again - it's downright SAD that the only reason this guy is a heel is 'cause he hates the Rock - SURELY that's not a CRIME.
Rock starts to talk as the Big Show walks over the top rope, leaves the ring and then waffles him from behind. YEAH! Kane and Big Show start brawling - Rock joins in - and gets pushed into the post. Rock's a big wuss! He's running away! What a pansy! He comes back with a chair - WHACK Kane - WHACK Big Show. Play Rock's music! He's MY HERO! I mean, really - what a coward.
Test still wearing the nose guard; I believe he's going for a record currently held by D'Lo Brown's chest protector.
There's the Lethal Kick! He's going up to the top rope - it's a ... TOP ROPE ... SORTA KICK! WOW!!!! Cover, 1, 2, 3! (1:12) Damn, is Steve Blackman the MAN or what??
Oh no! T-Money is going to be investigated for gambling! I MUST WATCH THE BATTLE DOME SHOW! (No.) (But it's after WXO, and you're gonna watch THAT, right?) (That's different.) (How's it different?) (It just IS, okay?!?) (Geez, you could have just made fun of Ferrall again and I would have let that go.) (Ooops. Well, maybe next time.)
Cole suggests that the Dudleys proved on Monday how sadistic they were - "they seemed to ENJOY it!" Well, who wouldn't?
Man, I HATE these Hardys - they're all spots! BY GOD, WHEN DO THEY WRESTLE?!? (The preceeding two sentences were a parody. Please address all complaints to your favourite workrate freak.)
BANZAI DROP ON CHYNA! (And by "Banzai Drop," I mean "Phatu gently sits down on Chyna immediately after landing on his feet. The director attempts to mask this with quick camera cuts.")
Albert has THE STICK and I think we'll not bother...something about the student becoming the teacher - I think they learned it from that 1-800-CALL-ATT ad.
"The Mood is about to Change?" My God, that's not for Taz, it's for GLACIER!! BLOOD WILL RUN COLD IN THE WWF!
I know I get in trouble with REAL fans when I say stuff like this, but I dug this match. Plus, Viscera's pants stayed on the entire time!
Young with the BIG OL' WET ONE on Edge! Ewwwww. Edge gets counted out (COR 2:13) and as Young's music plays, a replay reveals that Young SLIPPED HIM THE TONGUE and LICKED HIM ALL OVER!
Mankind invades Manhattan - what, AGAIN? Can New York TAKE another Mankind invasion with the ravioli and the chefboy.com and the hey hey hey?
Moments Ago, there was a match - Kane won, proving that "anyone can win this thing." That's it, I'm putting all my money on Thrasher!
You know, somebody should have had the courage to tell Chuck Norris he SHOULDN'T be singing his theme song
STEPHANIE ONO & TREBLE H kick off tonight's interview - show! I meant show! I think. He's heavily bandaged - we are told he has stitches in his head, his leg, his ear (well, that's part of his head, but I getcha) Even given a phenomenal performance in the title match, the fans will still chant "asshole" - but maybe...just maybe...with just a touch more respect. Then again, maybe not. They're a fickle bunch.
Separate entrances for Head Cheese - err, sorry, Steve.
"The WWF would like to remind you that our superstars are trained athletes, so none of their moves or stunts should be tried at home by unskilled individuals - this message is from the WWF." Is it just me or are kids a lot stupider than when *I* was a kid?
Let's Take a Special Video Look at the saga of Kane & X-Pac. They were the best of friends - until they weren't.
All this continuity will be the death of me!
Tori is reduced to incoherency...which actually isn't all that different from--oh, sorry.
NEW AGE OUTLAWS (with RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. HARDY BOYZ (with Nipples) for the tag team championship - the champs enter first because they have a shtick and the challengers don't.
He never said a word...still, that extra Z on the end is a *little* annoying...c'mon, he's Taz. You know it, I know it...ahhh nuts
Lawler presents a crown and a bouquet - Lawler says at least these flowers aren't wilted like her...well, you know. Young says at least hers are real, not like theirs. Kat says she knows she couldn't be talking about her - must be talking about...Jacqueline. Jacqueline points to Ivory, words are exchanged and the next thing you know clothes are flying and all we need is Joey Styles to yell out "CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!" as the five non-senior citizens create a fracas.
When it calms down a bit, Young is presented with the trophy - a golden chest (with tassles!). But that's not all - she knows we all came out tonight to see HER come out - and she intends to deliver. EVERYONE in the ring is giving the "nonononono" hand signals and head shakes but Young can't be stopped once that pelvis starts thrusting. Fortunately for us, SEXUALL CHOCKLITT MIZARKK HENRYY makes a more timely intervention on this night...and almost snuffs her out by covering her mouth with his jacket - oops. Ahhh, let's just pretend it never happened and move on, all right?
Really, is it SO BAD for me to like the Big Show just because HE hates the Rock?
Blackman gives us a "maintain" vibe in his classically-trained way.
Buh-Buh Ray wailing away with rights and standing on the throat while screaming "I HOPE YOU DIE!!" Well, that's not nice.
Shoulderblock by Viscera - he's running the ropes, hide your children!
Kane and Tori - are - WALKING!!! Just to mix it up, there are some STAIRS involved!
Kane's just a big red bondage fantasy, isn't it?
"During the Break" footage shows Kane walking out of the arena - hey, it's COLD out there and that arm is exposed!
Everybody dances, awww isn't that great. Crowd pops 'cause they're idiots who didn't come to see wrestling.
Cole calls Tazz "stocky, a scrapper, a human fireplug, a bulldog" and I wish Tazz would hear him and KICK HIS ASS.
Jericho reads the Torch?
Jericho raises Chyna's hand...hmmm, I wonder what the Kat feels about Jericho stealing her man...
A giant ass - is - WALKING! PULL BACK! PULL BAAAAAAACK!!!!
We're quickly running out of show here! Hell, there's no time for this match - oh listen to me worry about MATCHES on this show.
If Snow and Blackman won tonight, I'd be the HAPPIEST boy on earth.
MAN it's good to see those four guys in the WWF - Kidman's a dink, by the way. I hope he, Douglas and Konnan are very happy
Just to entertain me, Jim Ross embellishes every utterance of the word "Dudley" with "damn" - "those damn Dudleys, that damn D-Von Dudley, these damn Dudleys, those damn Dudleys" - Jesus, he's just BEGGING to get his ass kicked.
You know, I was just thinking. That last segment was all spots! Now that I think about it, I have *no idea* WHY I enjoyed it so much!
Have I yet mentioned Show's new "I'm Buff and I'm the Stuff" haircut? Did I follow it up with "What the HELL was he thinking?" Well, I MEANT to.
THAT SLUT CHYNA is out with her Bazooka - you know, she might as well just strap on that thing between her legs before...oops, sorry.
This leads to the lumberjills dogpiling Harvey (as well as referee "Blind" Mike Sparks) and basically stuffing snow everywhere snow can be stuffed. Oh boy, and they're all wet, and...I'll be right back.
Champ enters first because TRADITION BLOWS.
LAST MONDAY: Four men, one great big new angle
[Why is Tori so happy if X-Pac's the "fastest man alive?" Get me?]
Young and Moolah molest Patterson (make your own joke),
When I'm looking at Tori's nipples, my gaze is diverted from her face, right?
Mizark Henry presents Mae Young some Preparation H. I don't think that'll stop the burning *I'm* feeling watching these vignettes...
Mankind takes Manhattan! Then he gives it back!
Rock actually breaks into blithering idiocy, but the crowd still hears the word "candyass" at the end of it, though, and makes noise.
I don't know about you, but I'm rather looking forward to Shane Douglas coming out in his "Revolution" T-shirt with THREE names covered in electrical tape instead of just Benoit's.
As for this XFL thing, remember well that the WBF lasted almost two years before finally disappearing - I'm sure it'll take AT LEAST that long to kill THIS thing off.
HOLLY COUSINS (with Scale Holly) v. HEAD CHEESE (with Head - and Cheese) - if nothing else, it's worth it just to see Blackman wearing that huge cheese on his head.
Here's a look at the outside of the World-Famous Joe Louis Arena - it's one massive wall there, yup. At this point I usually make a Derrick May reference to look hip, so consider it made.
Oh boy! Mark Henry presents Mae Young with ... a breast pump! It just gets FUNNIER and FUNNIER! (Those of you who find THIS funny while finding Steve Blackman wearing cheese NOT funny should be off reading someone else's SmackDown! report, by the way)
Here's a wacky facial expression from Lawler - isn't it wacky? Surely the wackiness of it all is WACKY! I'm about ready to get a little wacky myself - and WHACK somebody - 'cause it's WACK - okay - I'm better now - phew
I've heard next week is Bad Attitude week - if ONLY I knew what that meant! It's all part of "No Ordinary February" - the Rock DARES you not to watch! Call it what you want - *I* prefer the old name - "Sweeps month pandering"
TONIGHT: Chris Jericho takes on Viscera - the belt is on the line! The Outlaws take on Christian & Edge - the belts are on the line! Also: can anything stop Triple H and Stephanie besides ten more minutes of "Walker?"
You know, watcing this show I can't help but think that maybe they really DO have some permissive handgun laws in Tejas...that, and also this show kinda bites
The TV-14-DLV ratings box accompanies a highlight reel from SmackDown! One low blow, one unfortunate injury, and one more low blow ensured the Four went 0-3. But don't think anything of it - hey, these guys are USED to jobbing!
Farm Club Dot Com is NEXT! Hey, Pinfield still taking the drugs?
Oh boy, Lilian's back, and mushmouthing tag team names in new and exciting ways again!
We are told that Chyna is off filming an episode of "Third Rock from the Sun" tonight - a program I never miss (except every week).
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where four guys turned on Cactus Jack to hook up with Triple H. Ever notice that Jim Ross is the ONLY guy to say "Radicals?" Seems like he really WANTS that name to get over...but nobody else is going along with it (including me).
Wow! KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands in front of a door! Later the Rock will tell him to talk to his hand and smell what he's cooking!
Duck, German suplex, 1, 2, 3! (1:15) LOOKIT HER GIANT BREASTS!
In that "Crazy Taxi" ad, does that chick have headlights or what? That's just about the only thing keeping me interested enough to watch it all four times - and, hell, she's ANIMATED! How sad is THAT?
Here's a quick peek at the Stone Cold funny car - Jerry Tolliver won at Pomona yesterday, we are told. Saaaay...how many wins does the WCW racing team have this year?
There's a cover - 1, Jack hits him (apparently forgetting that was the finish - oh great, THAT'LL really help people's opinion about his brain), Hebner ignores it, 2, 3. (10:09)
We kick it off by kicking it up a notch - it's MY hero and he's got THE STICK! Let Us Take You Back to RAW and a Reverse Fireman's Carry of Ancient Mae Young.
You know, I find Angle INCREDIBLY entertaining, but even I've gotta admit that his "shtick on the stick" just MIGHT be getting overplayed here - it might. It might.
Sexay cuts the rug all the way down the aisle while Saturn tries very hard to make us think he's got a Duggan-like eye condition - and succeeds! Let's get Saturn to say "Ahhh, just one more thing" sometime.
In the corner, Saturn drives the shoulder into the soft pink underbelly of Grand Master Sexay.
Again to the left arm - commentators actually noting that Saturn is working on a body part. Did I die and go to heaven?
XFL spot. I think the words "pantywaists" and "sissies" were aired ENTIRELY too many times in this clip montage. Will we have to see this every week for a year? Just when the wrestling seems to be REALLY coming around, would they REALLY go and spoil the show with XFL nonsense? Answer: if they think they can get away with it...
D-Von performing last rites for B.B's benefit. She's OUT cold, and all I can do is think "Hmm, does she NEED all that eye shadow?" and "Is that REALLY her colour for lipstick?" No, I'm kidding. (Sorta.)
During the Break, the EMT was taken off by some OTHER EMT's - apparently unconscious. Don't worry, though - she's just fine. No, REALLY! Hey, she's a blonde - she's ALWAYS like that!
I'd just DIE if I didn't get the chance to Sing Along with the Outlaws! Hey, just 'cause the CROWD digs it doesn't mean *I* have to. Case in point - everything this Rock guy does.
Saints be praised, Rock has NO time on THE STICK! This is my DREAM show!
Here's a look at the governor's mansion - and here's the outside of the Frank Erwin Center! I've BEEN there! Pretend you care!
Good GOD Jackie wears some tight stuff - not only can I see THAT, but I can see THAT, too! Why Jackie is with Prince Albert instead of Viscera is a question that only goes to show that you and I have memories too long for this company.
HARDY BOYZ v. HEAD CHEESE (with Head & No Cheese) - crowd chants it, and Blackman expresses disapproval. You HAVE to agree with me now that this guy is THE finest actor working today in the WWF. (Errr, right?)
I ain't watchin' "I Dare You" until somebody DIES on that show.
Did this WHOLE show go by without me hearing (a) a talking-only segment and (b) Triple H's dreadful theme music? THIS *IS* MY DREAM SMACKDOWN!!
X-Pac has a GREAT look on him as his nookie crumples in the ring.
LILIAN GARCIA came out to B.B's old music - she may suck as a ring announcer, but she's quite the leggy one, she is.
LARRY KING comes out to Oklahoma's theme - no, wait...
"This is shaping up to be one of the most exciting nights ever on RAW, King!" Thanks, TONY.
Let Us Take You Back to No End of Clips of the Dudleyz wreaking havoc on B.B., Terri, the Hardys, and these other guys, too! I'm still waiting for J.R., by the way...Lawler can say "orgasmic" all he wants, but I don't think that's the right word there.
ROAD DOGG v. GRAND MASTER SEXAY - it's he, it's he, heard this before have we.
Ross tells us that Rock vs. Benoit is "a dream matchup - a matchup I've wanted to see for years." Yeah, you and EVERY OTHER INTERNET FAN OUT THERE, Ross.
Hey, somebody write Herb Kunze and tell him how dismayed I am that the Godfather is out before midnight!
Benoit has a shouting match with the one man shorter than he is - Hebner.
CRASH HOLLY (with Hardcore & Scale Holly) v. ESSA RIOS (with Lita) for the Light Heavyweight Championship - Rather than broach the rather thorny issue of how a super heavyweight can compete, Garcia just doesn't announce Holly's name (or weight).
Pedigree time, but the crowd chants "Rock E" - and LA ROCA obliges. He comes in - right into ahhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM! I am the ONLY guy in the crowd to be clapping here, but DAMN that was pretty sweet.
Anyway, Benoit pinned the Rock, the Big Show chokeslammed the Rock, and the Rock generally had a bad night - making it a pretty GOOD night...for me. But this report isn't about ME! No sir! Not MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME oh pardon ME.
We are at the Selland Arena in Fresno, CA (Slogan: "Where They Come for the Raisins and Stay for the Fact that We're Not Bakersfield")
And here *are* DX & STEPHANIE ONO & TORI come out to lay out tonight's proceedings as Cole lays out what we know about the upcoming PPV - several big matches already announced, which you will find elsewhere, or as I find the time. By the way, people were making a big deal of the "NWO" acronym TWO YEARS AGO - can we PLEASE get over it, already?
Triple H jerking the curtain in the opening match? Now I've seen everything!
Backstage, the Acolytes have set up an APA office door (with no adjoining wall) - Henry and Young knock on it anyway. Umm, there's no walls! I DARE you to walk around it!
Mary J. Blige has big feet - you know what they say about women with big feet....uh huh....whoooaaaa
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ v. GANGREL (with a burning ring o' far and no Luna Tunes) - Aha, I see it must be time once again for Luna's yearly "right about the time she MIGHT get a WrestleMania women's title shot" suspension.
You are STILL watching UPN! No, the TV didn't magically change channels on you!
Rock inventing his own new kinda grammar up there?
Dogg throws his water bottle to referee "Blind" Earl Hebner, who threatens Chimel with a soaking. Those wacky cats!
So if we don't treat her like a women, don't treat her like a man, what DO we treat her like? Some kinda cyborg?
"So tonight, my good friend Davey Boy, my European friend and your European Champion are going to give Y2J and Chyna a beating they will NEVER, EEEEEEEEEEVER forge--" and Jericho is over to prevent this blatant plagarism. Sure you can dis Atlanta, Chyna, but you NEVER steal a man's catchphrase!
BLACKMAN ATTEMPTING TO BREAKDANCE! WHITE MAN'S MOONWALK!
Would you like a free "No Way Out" T-shirt? Well, just mail a cable bill to that address there and then bash yourself in the head!
MICHAEL KING COLE interviews Cactus Jack from the locker room, who once again promises to be standing on top of the cage to drop that elbow onto Triple H. If he's got to show up to WrestleMania with the use of a walker...he will. Geez, but I don't like it when he talks like that.
Right, right, right, bite, bite, bite, the Itchy and Scratchy show!
Hell, most people have no idea what that ENTIRE paragraph meant ANYWAY, and God bless 'em, for THEY have *LIVES*.
Cole & Lawler hype "Monster Trux 2000: The New Thrillennium" - man I feel dirty for typing that out - wait - what do you MEAN UPN doesn't pay ME for those plugs?
WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW is out to give us our recommended daily allowance of talking for the night. I have a feeling he's gonna tug at our heartstrings, and not just because he's still in an "experimentation" phase with his hairdo. Crowd chants "Rock E" because "Big Show" doesn't roll off the tongue as well, I guess.
Snow with a Dominican suplex for 2. (I made that up just now.)
Jeff Hardy jumps to the top turnbuckle, then hits a corkscrew somersault Thesz press (okay, YOU call it)!
*Any* ad that begins with "Genital herpes" is a sure signal to me to go get a soda and not come back for...oh, around thirty seconds or so. And yet...isn't it strangely hypnotic the way they use FLOWERS to express how genital herpes can come between you and your partner? I mean, not LITERALLY, but.....well, actually maybe they DO mean....oh let's move on.
For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Stephanie's trademark move is the "pucker."
NIPPLES!
LARRY KING stands in the ring. "Ladies and gentlemen, there is one - and there will ONLY be one - CACTUS JACK!" Ross went on to say there was ONLY one Diesel and ONLY one Razor Ramon...oops.
Hey, you ever notice that H always gives you just the slightest hint of fear against Cactus Jack, but when it's the Rock, he just gives us that "annoyed" vibe instead? Maybe that's why he's grown on me...I dunno.
Shouldn't they have called this "Monsters of Rap" collection "Monsters of Rap (According to White People)?"
He's aligned himself with the future World Wrestling Federation champion ...with...with...well, I guess we can figure it out, 'cause he never seems to finish his thought. In fact, he never really explains how aligning himself with the Show is going to help him do...wait, what's he come back to do? DAMN I'm confused.
I have a feeling that NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! Hey, I don't care HOW funny this is - IT AIN'T WRESTLING! This could be the FUNNIEST thing I've seen all night and the LOUDEST pop the crowd gives out but STILL, it's....ah, screw it. I'm biased. Jericho does a MEAN "scary monster."
"From Miami, Florida, 275, THE ROCK!" Umm, Lilian Garcia missed a lotta words there.
Garcia announces the winner as "the Rook." It IS a human game of chess!
THAT SLUT CHYNA (with RAW credits) lovingly strokes her bazooka.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday and a Viscera splash that somehow managed to avoid killing the unborn imaginary child inside Young.
If I have to explain to you how I have no problem with Crash Holly/Mark Henry getting a no contest when, at the same time, I get all bitchy and pissy when the Harris Boys destroy a Booker/Billy Kidman matchup, then you might as well stop reading.
God DAMN this is stupid beyond belief.
The Stooges decide to go check out Young's goodies - Brisco is moved to wretch, while Patterson says "so THAT'S what it looks like!" (Well, okay, he didn't really.)
After the break, Young screams a lot - and then toots. FARTING IS *GOLD*, BABY!! The EMT can't get it - Patterson helpfully offers his personal set of Vise-Grips that he carries with him everywhere. After some crazy sound effects, the EMT emerges with...um...with...hell, I STILL don't know what it was. Whatever it was, it DAMN sure wasn't worth this ride. No, I DON'T care. Now let's NEVER hear of Mae Young's "pregnancy" again. Brisco spits up, yay! ALL HAIL SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!
"King...I didn't think she was pregnant all along..." Hey Ross, go screw yourself TWICE for me, okay? Jesus. By the way, Ross, just to stave off any mistakes you might make down the road, here's some free advice for you - the BLACK guy is D-VON. Write that down, it might help you call this MATCH.
Your hosts are a pair of kings, LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. They'll both miss Mick Foley. And here's a Special Video Look at Mick Foley, set to "I Will Remember You" by that chick with the short hair. I was supposed to type something here....but I guess I got caught up in watching this package and forgot. Sorry. The MSG crowd gives a standing O for Foley... wherever he is...
Meanwhile, SCREW Foley! The Rock is WALKING! You know, JUST once...just ONCE you could have given us a nice fade to black. Just ONCE. Was that too much to ask? For Foley? Just ONCE? And WHY am I so pissed off tonight?
Starting off with a match? A MATCH? It's like *admitting* that Monday's show was off-kilter!
Chyna gets her own entrance (and bazooka) but has no role in this match. (Makes sense, he muttered in caustic fashion, although not loud enough to suggest he'd rather see her *in a match...*).
The Rock is WALKING! And Mideon's got something to say to him - no, check that, he's here to eat a punch! Thanks for dropping by, Mid!
Man, a half hour without an interview! Maybe you and I *are* being rewarded for sitting through that God-awful RAW?
Here come SKIPPY & WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW to keep us from going through filibusterin' withDRAWL, if you will. Speak, Shane!
LILIAN GARCIA interviews Crash Holly, who says he's the greatest Hardcore championship the WWF has ever had - and to prove it, he's going to defend the title "24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year" - if they can find a sanctioned referee to follow him around, they can try to get a pinfall on him at ANY time in ANY place - I'm thinking while he sleeps would be a good idea...
TEST v. VISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSCERA - this is the kind of match that ONLY *I* enjoy, you know?
Steve Blackman's date talks on a cel phone while in the background, Al Snow gets the piano lounge guy to play "Personality." As soon as Blackman hears the opening notes, he gives us another one of his AMAZING facial expressions. Then, between the piano playing, Snow tapping out a beat with his pointer, and the date yakkin' on the phone, Blackman gives us another one of his CLASSIC "Why am I here" looks. This isn't even sarcasm from me, folks!
Holy crap, Sarge comes out to his *1992 ENTRANCE THEME!* YES!! I LIVE for continuity no one gets but me.
That match ruled it six ways to Sunday. Now let's NEVER see Slaughter wrestle for ANOTHER two years... after all, this ain't the AWF! (2:59 into Round One) Having said that, these days I'd rather see Slaughter than Patterson...
You know....THIS....has some potential. I can just imagine the poor refs going on strike again to fight constantly being awakened at 3am to follow some guy who's following Crash...refs in striped pajamas! THAT'S GOLD, BABY! Get me Bishop on the phone, it's time to write up a treatment!
Get this, Show makes fun of Rikishi's weight. Now THAT'S irony, baby!
...two minutes early, so we can take a special look at "Secret Agent Man," aka "Contrived Sexual Situations Set Against a Backdrop of a Poor Man's James Bond and It's Also an Empty Remake of An Old Show." How come none of 'em are named Drake? Or was I not paying attention? Or am I thinking of a different show? Oh, who CARES. Right? See you Tuesday!
Holy crap - I'm older than SHAQ? I'M OLDER THAN SHAQ?
Geez, I have enough of a problem knowing I'm older than the Rock!
"I didn't have a baby, I had a hand!" "Hey, whose hand WAS that anyway?" All right, I think that's enough. Young says she WILL go out with Henry and that's final. One can only hope she gets put through a table...wait, did I say that? What's WRONG with me?
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week Because We're Apparently Not Smart Enough to Never Speak Of It Again - yup, talk to the hand. Lawler says "starfish," and I'm feeling woozy.
Dogg rhymes incoherently for much longer than necessary - hey, maybe he's gonna be a heel now!
"Welcome to RAW is JERICHO! And Kirk Angel, I admit you've got the intercontinental championship - but you've also got bad breath and a terrible case of BO! And I would much rather look like this than look like a 30-year-old, never-kissed-a-woman Olympic geek who still lives at home with his Mommy, so Mrs. Angel, put down your double whiskey sour, pick the corn chips from between your teeth, and get ready to see your baby boy JACKASS get a Y2J beating that he, and you will never...ever forget a-gain." Geez, I think he's talking about his good friend Mark Madden there, actually.
HOLY SHIT IT'S MR. BOB BACKLUND!! AND HE'S PROCURING THE CHICKEN WING ON CHRIS JERICHO! (DQ 4:10)
Speaking of Backlund, the last time we really saw him regularly, he was managing this giant ass - of course, he was the Sultan back then - geez, do we HAVE to get that angle while Rikishi Phatu does squats? Anyway - he's NEXT!
H attacks before the bell and punches away. See H punch. Punch, punch, punch.
As H stomps away, the camera fills our TV screen with the giant rump of Phatu. Was this trip necessary?
Samoan Drop! NOW LET'S GET ANOTHER SHOT OF THAT ASS! Jesus.
Ross finally admits to the world, "I have a problem getting Matt and Jeff's names confused sometimes," which is something of an understatement.
Ali Landry looks REALLY scared of Dre, don't she?
ABSOLUTE LAMEST THING I'VE READ ALL WEEK: Bob [Ryder] has done sooooo much for wrestling and the Internet. Actually, Bob was the man who made the Internet/wrestling connection. - 1wrestling's Scrap Dog
And more and more, I'm starting to notice that Stephanie REALLY has trouble...you know, ACTING.
Stephanie completely fails to look scared, despite her best efforts - geez, how embarrassing for her.
Pete pours some liquid Tide on Rodney to cleanse our palates.
LA ROCA v. CHRIS BENOIT & PERRY SATURN in a handicap match - well, golly, Rock's out to jerk the curtain! Wait - I mean I AM OUTRAGED THAT BENOIT IS BEING WASTED BY THE WWF BY OPENING THE SHOW - whew, hopefully I get to keep my "smark" membership card now.
Malenko with a scoop slam and a lightning elbowdrop, legdrop by Guerrero, swandive headbutt by Benoit, then Malenko & Guerrero KICK DIRT ON HIM. How cool is that?
STEPHANIE ONO comes out to "My Time" and she is INCREDIBLY annoying now - she just goes through her entire repertoire of facial expressions, each one more annoying than the last.
After the challenger hits the ring from the crowd, we see NIPPLES walk down the ramp and give some instant helium to Lawler.
"Man, I am tired of the stuff that's going on around here - somebody's going to seriously be injured. She is too delicate, man - too fragile for this kinda stuff, man - excuse me..." and they walk off. Hey, so Young can have a four hundred pound man on top of her and suffer no ill effects, but...wait, what was my point?
Backstage, Snow tells Blackman he's found his biggest fan - then some guy (who WASN'T me - I swear) wearing a giant cheese on his head gushes while Blackman acts annoyed.
Snow encourages the chants - when Blackman isn't looking at him. That's kinda funny.
Hardy walks up the steps and lands on the barricade, Blackman hops up onto the barricade to meet him - then BACKDROPS HIM TO THE FLOOR! Damn, Blackman's the INNOVATOR, baby!
The Rock is holding his side - MY GOD! ROCK IS *SELLING*!
I GET LETTERS: Sometimes, you get JUST the right email at JUST the right time. Dave Mitchell provided with this insight: Y'know why they quit runing the "Getting Cheffy With It" commercials? 'Cause the Rock can't sell ravioli either! HAR!
Thanks, Dave.
TONIGHT: The European title is on the line in a Triple Threat match - Jericho, Angle, and Tazz (oh my)! DX combines to take on Too Cool & Rikishi Phatu! AND...take a drink every time you hear the word "desperate!" What's the Rock? DESPERATE! What types of thing is he likely to do? DESPERATE! What does constant repetition seem to indicate about getting over a certain feeling? DESPERATION! (Like I'M one to talk, right?)
LAST THURSDAY: Hey, you're not telling ME the WWF is moving to make that *network* show the #1 showcase? How come we're starting off with clips from SmackDown!, eh? Eh, smart guy? Come on, you're not so smart NOW are ya? HA! Anyway (I'm JUST KIDDING! Come back! I'll make fun of people walking later in the report - I promise!)
"In the Shadow of NewYork City," (a little birdie told me it was East Rutherford, NJ) we are LIVE 13.3.2K from the Continental Airlines Arena, where the word "desperate" is uttered a whopping THIRTY-ONE times in the span of two minutes - well, maybe I'm exaggerating JUST A SMIDGE
TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO walk out for tonight's filibuster.
I am as officially tired of hearing the word "Coalition" as I was of the words "McMahon-Helmsley Era."
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by SNICKERS! The gay guys like it 'cause it's CHOCK FULL OF NUTS!
From RAW last week, the Dudleyz conspire to put 77-year-old Mae Young through a table. Oops, Ross said "80" again. You know, he and Kevin Kelly really need to make up already.
D-Von puts Young in the position - holy crap - SUPERBOMB OFF THE STAGE AND THROUGH THE TABLES!!!!! Buh-Buh Ray stares and glares. The crowd chants "ECW" for no good reason. D-Von administers the last rites. The EMT's are out... Replays, two angles, Henry is over but the damage is done. Let's call it (around 4:00) before the angle kicked in.
On one hand, if you don't see the difference between THIS bump and the Grimes/New Jack bump, get somebody to explain it to you. On the OTHER hand, JESUS CHRIST, SHE'S 77!!!!!
Bossman goes for the nightstick - Kane ducks it, and hits a chokeslam (or, if you're Ross, "tombstone"), 1, 2, 3. (3:11) Ross corrects himself, saying "maybe I was just WISHING for a tombstone - it was a chokeslam - a chokeslam to Hell." Where's Michael Cole?
Backstage, MICHAEL KING COLE asks FAB MOOLAH how she feels. "What the hell do you mean, how do I feel? I don't feel a damn thing! The bitch got what she deserved! That's exactly right. Listen, no one ever heard of Mae Young until I brought her into this organisation! I brought her in, she was nothing, and she's STILL nothing as far as I'm concerned. But, when I brought her in here, what appreciation did she show me? She disgraced me and all the organisation by showing her puppies, giving birth, and stealing my spotlight! I'm a Hall of Famer, do you understand that, Michael? Do you understand what I'm saying, and frankly I wanna tell you know, I don't give a damn if the bitch never EVER comes back!" This just in: Moolah gets new fan. Still, I DON'T want to see them wrestle each other again. I DON'T. I *DON'T*. You hear me? Don't book it! PLEASE! Moolah saying "bitch" repeatedly good - Moolah wrestling Young BAD.
Terri bounces out to Edge and Christian's confusion...strangle someone if you hear the word "she-devil" too many times.
Back in the ring, two Acolytes, one guy with Teeth.
Lawler makes the "Benoit ball" joke - who won the pool?
OH MY GOD! "THREE AMIGOS" IS ON DISNEY RIGHT NOW!! I *must* watch the "Singing Shrub" scene after RAW is over! That scene KICKS ASS!
WrestleMania is THREE weeks away! Tupac Shakur ate SNICKERS the night he died!
When Vince McMahon get the biggest pop, is it any wonder he actually *thinks* he can keep us from seeing "Beyond the Mat?"
I GET LETTERS: Aaron Zimmerman offers: I just marked out for vince... omigod. Somebody shoot me.
It's okay, mah brutha - it's okay.
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & SKIPPY walk down to have a fireside chat with you and I.
THA GODFATHA (with eight - no, four women) v. TREBLE H (with Stephanie Ono) in a nontitle match - the ho's are in their TV-PG outfits tonight - hardly worth mentioning (except for the PTC folk taking notes).
Seems weird to see Triple H wrestling at thirty-seven after eight, don't it? Of course, there's no wrestling competing with this show tonight...not that there's any on Monday, ba dum bum.
Back to real time, where Triple H trashes his office - hey, that was a *perfectly* good vegetable tray!
Rikishi Phatu is WALKING! No - NO - DON'T TURN AROUND AND SHOW US YOUR ASS - awwww shit
Bob Backlund gives me chills talking to a friendly, grey-haired security guard most likely named "Pops:" "Mr. Angle - Young man, the crossface chickenwing is the most devastating submission hold in professional wrestling." "It's true, really it is. Mr. Backlund, I have a great idea. Why don't you procure your crossface chickenwing on this nice man?" Backlund promptly "snaps" and it's 1994 all over again. And I seriously COULDN'T be happier.
Man, Backlund looks FANTASTIC for fifty - oops, gave away his age. Pretend you didn't hear that.
GRAND MASTER SEXAY (with Scotty Too Hotty) v. DEAN MALENKO (with Eddie Guerrero) for the WWF Light Heavyweight Championship - hey, remember when Brian Christopher was in the finals for this belt back in '97? No? What were you watching THEN, the NWO? You were? Oh.
As Guerrero points to his head - he ends up attacked from behind by THAT SLUT CHYNA. DDT! Did Cole just call that DDT a "3rd Rock" and will I have to shoot him?
Cole says he really enjoyed Saturday Night Live - McMahon says hey, that give him an idea.... "LIVE - FROM CHICAGO - IT'S
"The King of Rock" "Who?" "The King of Rock" "What?" "The King of Rock" "Who?" "The King of Rock" "What?" You have now experienced the gist of Run-D.M.C.'s version of the DX theme, available Tuesday as part of "WWF Aggression". This ain't "The Ave.," BABY!
Hey, you notice that Ross got EVERY call of Matt and Jeff's name correct this week? Somebody finally got him some good medication!!
Stephanie & Triple H are...whoops, missed their cue! "Go! Go!" Okay! NOW they're WALKING!!
For no apparent reason, we zoom in on a pair of breasts being fluffed up - wait, who am I to demand a reason? Pimpin', I hear, ain't easy.
All right, let's get this out of the way. "Having this main event tonight proves only one thing: anybody who pays for WrestleMania is an idiot."
THA GODFATHA (with eight - no, four ho's) v. BIG BOSS MAN (with Bull Buchanan) - This report always endeavours to ask the IMPORTANT questions, like...how come there were more ladies before the ad break?
In case you haven't heard, Godfather is a fun-loving guy who loves to have fun - AND SMOKE WEED.
Please - let's stop seeing this Mankind Chef Boyardee ad. I can no longer endure "Ellen Ramsey's" strangely illuminated, strangely feline face.
Backstage, Rikishi celebrates his homiez' victory, then WALKS away. Of COURSE the camera zooms in on his ass the whole time - did you have to ask?
Hey, look! There's some CHICAGO BEARS in the audience! They sure suck!
Snow suggests maybe he'll listen to George Washington... "You're trying to bribe me with A DOLLAR?" Snow suggests that maybe instead he'll listen to Ben Franklin - and BEN FRANKLIN appears and talks up Wisconsin's fine cheeses. "He's an - um - extra - from the time travel show..." You know, Franklin wasn't around when Wisconsin was....oh look at me poke holes in this storyline. Sorry.
This video's got lotsa drinking, smoking and tits. I expect Nickelodeon will add it to the playlist ANY minute now.
GTV presents - what, GTV? They're still giving us that? I guess they'll wait for Dustin Rhodes to ride out his WCW contract and THEN reveal him as behind it, right?
Edge manages to frustrate Lilian Garcia SO much she once again botches the pronounciation of "Acolytes..." at least, we'll try to give her that excuse.
Yesterday, Jerry Tolliver and the Stone Cold Steve Austin funny car took their third win! And to reward him, they let him sleep with Terri! Now THAT'S incentive!
Test with a ...oh, let's call it a chickenwing uranage just for fun.
Champ enters first because tradition can sit on a stick and spin.
Vince gets his own entrance 'cause he's Vince - he's also big on the "puckering" pantomime tonight.
What IS it about spitting in your hand that makes the punch THAT much more deadly, anyway? KISS THAT RIGHT, ROCK!
H holding the legs, then dropping a knee on - the Little Rock, while Show discusses how to act goofy on national television with Hebner.
We break from the storyline as H takes down a fan who'd strayed into the picture - quick, cut to Linda! Too bad she's now got the "deer in the headlights" pose going.
Can anybody tell me why Vince booked the WrestleMania main event on RAW thirteen days earlier? I mean, really? Is there some logic in there that I just don't grasp? Did Linda tell him "Hey, I think I'll do this, so why not book this match on RAW in Chicago?" in bed one night? Hey, does H pinning Show here mean that's equivalent to his return match? Yow, with this whole orange patina treatment to the picture, they sure make Linda look old and weird lookin', don't they?
Opening Credits - wakka wakka woom waaa wakka wakka wooom wa
Ewwww, Hunter's got *headlights!*
Triple H is apparently the Game - what game, hopscotch?
Linda, not used to rhyming with "witch," gives us "well I never" and huffs off. Play the Game's music!
Backstage, Ivory gives Crash Holly a rubdown - or tries to - Holly seems rather stressed about things. Finally he relaxes a bit as she works the spine - then she secretly beckons to Teddy Long, who stealthily tiptoes into the picture (ha!) - Ivory grabs a jar and breaks it over his head, then covers - Holly kicks out at two, grabs his belt and runs off clad only in a towel. Hope Long didn't get any glass shards in his hand!
Just after Benoit gets in the ring, the Y2J countdown peels off and out comes CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - is he going to join this match and make the WrestleMania confrontation meaningless? Perhaps he has some used "CONSPIRACY VICTIM" signs sell Angle for half-price?
Jericho does a wildman arm flail and crowd digs him the most. He's banging his head! Push him to the moon!
Earlier Today, Al Snow took Steve Blackman to "get him in touch with his cheese roots." He suggests getting a "handful of teat" - just like Farmer Ken! We zoom in on Blackman trying to milk a cow - and see him get sprayed from an impossible angle (well, we'll let that go) - Blackman, milk dripping down his face, slowly walks over to where Snow and Ken are talking - and grabs his trusty nunchuku. "Steve - no...no, Steve - look at that truck over there, Kenny!" Off camera, we hear a swoop followed by a pained "moo." Blackman walks back into the picture. "Cow's sick." And he walks away. Snow thanks Farmer Ken and walks off. Cole is quick to steal the only good line that can come out of this: "That's udderly ridiculous!"
Big ol' "Head Cheese" chant from the crowd - is it okay for me to like Blackman when everybody else does, too?
It's the WWF Free For All of the Week, brought to you by phonefreedotcom! The Rock was put through a table courtesy the Dudley Boyz and 3D - the Deadly Death Drop - two weeks ago On This Very Show. It is left as an exercise to the view why exactly this constitutes a "free for all."
Rock comes to the ring to his track from the "WWF Aggression" CD (complete with special CD graphic replacing the WWF logo in the corner of the screen for a bit) with rap by Method Man. It sounds quite agreeable - oops, Cole just said "I'm diggin' the Method Man," so screw THAT.
Here's an exterior shot of the Bradley Center! Hey, it's MARCH!! Why do they STILL have Christmas lights on the trees?
JACQUELINE v. LITA for the Women's Championship - Mmm, they're all greased up and everything!
Here's Another Special Video Look at Run-D.M.C. doing a DX thing. Just for Chris Jones, I must repeat: "The King of Rock (Who?) / The King of Rock (What?) / The King of Rock (Who?) / The King of Rock (What?) / The King of Rock (Who?) / The King of Rock (What?) / The King of Rock (Who?) / The King of Rock (What?) / The King of Rock (Who?) / The King of Rock (What?) / The King of Rock (Who?) / The King of Rock (What?) / The King of Rock (Who?) / The King of Rock (What?) / The King of Rock (Who?) / The King of Rock (What?)" Well, you get the idea, yeah.
JESUS GET THAT ASS OUT OF MY FACE - Rikishi is WALKING! Not fast enough - away from my TV screen...aie. I think Too Cool was with him but DAMN.
Hotty off the ropes with the bulldog - and now he's making the "Oops I just crapped my pants" face! Must be time for the Wurm.
Stephanie McMahon is WALKING! Well, it's more of a saunter, really, but she's not really pulling it off, either....eh.
STEPHANIE ONO comes out with VISIBLE HEADLIGHTS! WAHOOOOO oh sorry. But at least if I focus on her NIPPLES, I don't have to be annoyed by her FACE - which just DOESN'T really do "smug" in a good way.
Oh, the crowd's almost done chanting "slut" - let's listen to the slut:
Lawler: (only dogs and I can hear him say) "Use her assets?" Cole: "I'm not even believin' this." Me: "Over here with me, Cole."
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: We give you what you want. T and A. T is for Test and A is Albert. T and A also stands for tits and ass. These are my tits and this is my ass. And that is why this team is called T and A. Also because those are the first letters of their names. - Trish Stratus (fitness model) - well, Kil's imitation of her on tOA actually, but let's face it, it's much MUCH funnier this way
Geez, it's like they said "just talk - no pauses - just get it all out - don't lock up - just say it - say it - say it." Linda's the MASTER OF MONOTONE.
"I'm gonna come up there, and I'm gonna blister your little fanny 'til it turns blue!" Well, before we go THERE, here's TREBLE H to probably tell him that HE is the only man doing that kinda action on Steph these days.
H puts a foot on Vince's chest as his music plays - we get the reaction shot from Linda...clearly she's feeling SO many emotions that she can't even choose ONE to show US!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - not only is Ross shocked, he's appalled! Chokeslam! Pedigree! Waffle! Twenty-five minutes and counting with no matches!
Cole interviews Shane, who can't wait to get his hands on his father....but to directly address the challenge for tonight..."no" and then he walks off. Yeah! Somebody actually denied a challenge! Gooooooo Shane - well, I'm sure this won't stick, but hey.
Rikishi Phatu is WALKING! We are treated to the very special "look at his ass" camera angle.
TOO COOL come out and NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! I'm *praying* for another beatdown but not tonight, I guess...why yes, this DOES take longer than the match. Up yours, wrestling fans!
"...Tonight in H-town, you'll have no choice, no option, but to smell what the Rock iiiiiiiis cookin'."
How strange! We go to a Burger King ad for .... pancakes!
Hey, you don't think when the Rock said "Stephanie turns on Vince," he meant something kinky? I mean, if he's checking Shane for erections and all...
"Boyz with a Z, what, is that supposed to scare us?" Yeah, fear the Z!
T&A walk off - threaten to give us a looksee at what's under Trish's coat - but then cover her up, so as to let us know that they're HEELS.
I'd be remiss if I didn't note the GIANT UNNATURAL BREASTS on that one woman, so here's a sentence about that.
Hey, Vince might be the chairman and head honcho, but even HE knows that you give Rock the last entrance.
Hey! They didn't bleep the N word! Maybe I WILL watch Farmclubdotcom tonight.....naaaaaah.
"Secret Agent Man" promo features lotsa wet chicks and helium for Lawler
TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO are out to get this party started right/quickly.
I hear Triple H is the Game (what game? Scruples?).
What's wrong with Stephanie's head? Is it unbalanaced? Off kilter? She keeps cocking it to one side like all the brain is on one side or something.
HEY! New "Make 7 Up Yours" commercial! They STILL rule!
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ v. CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) for the Hardcore championship - hey, that guy in the crowd spelled it wrong - he only used one Z!
The HARDY BOYZ come out to provide commentary, joining our pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Quick impression of Jeff Hardy on headset: "Yeah. Big match."
I love typing "right" over and over.
THAT SLUT CHYNA gets an entrance for no good reason other than somebody REALLY enjoys seeing her shoot off that bazooka.
"Don't treat me like a chicken / don't treat me like a ham / don't treat me like a ribeye..."
GOOD LORD Benoit's been doing something unnatural to his arms - oh sorry.
STEPHANIE ONO comes to the ring to "My Time," carrying a letter. Say, if we're REALLY lucky, she just might read it to US!
Holy CHRIST that was a waste of time.
You know, that kid's seen ENOUGH dead people tonight - I MEAN IT
Blackman has something to say to Stratus: "You! ... DAMN!"
Stephanie is wearing an "SMH" T-shirt and bike shorts - I believe it was LL Cool J who said "Steffi got a big ol' butt / I know I told ya I'd be true / but Steffi got a big ol' butt / So I'm leaving - seeya!" Jackie is introduced as hailing "from the great state of Texas" - a ploy to suck up to the fans - as if having humongous breasts wasn't enough to get them to cheer. All these headlights are killing me!
Hey, how many of you were waiting for the breaking of glass? Eh? Eh?? What, NONE of you? C'mon, get some longer memories already!!
SHORT EDITORIAL: If you ever needed a reason why I don't give out match ratings, you need look no further than the latest Scott Keith argument settler....that lad hands out more snowflakes than the director of your garden variety Very Speical Christmas Episode of "Happy Days." Hey, it's great to LIKE a match - it's great to ENJOY a match - I do a LOT of both, myself - but if you're going to give out star ratings, try to get at least a ONE hand grip on reality. Please. For the love of Meltzer...please.
BOOM! BOOM! SHWOOOOOOOOOM! BOOM! WE ARE LIVE from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, CA 3.4.2K and one question is on everyone's mind - why did Mr. McMahon screw the Rock? Well, that and why was that Kat fight longer than two minutes?
Now looking to Shane - more of the puppy eyes - Shane offers HIS hand...and Vince takes it. Hugs! Hooray! RESET BUTTON!! WHO CARES ABOUT PLOT HOLES YOU CAN DRIVE A MACK TRUCK THROUGH? THIS IS THE WWF!! Anyway, Vince grabs the mic.
Let me see if I can get the gist of the previous segment. Is it something like "Screw you! We don't HAVE to explain the storyline! It doesn't HAVE to make sense! You'll tune in anyway! You're a complete loser and an idiot! Here, join in the chant!" Zat about cover it, WWF? I'm not gonna tell you it's thinking like that that cost other companies THEIR dominance in the past...
THAT SLUT CHYNA comes out with her C-2000. Don't eat her like a woman!
What? You say it makes no sense? And you call yourself a WWF fan! Clearly IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE!! Just say "Latino Heat" six or seven times and you'll forget ALL ABOUT the fact that while Chyna turning on Jericho MIGHT make sense given an awful lot of words, you can't even MAKE that kind of leap to make her joining with Guerrero work!
Elsewhere, the gay cameraman has AGAIN found his way to Rikishi Phatu's ass. Please, no. Just - no. NO! No. Arrrrgh.
Wow! It's a door! And it says "THE ROCK!" A DOOR! AN - EXCITING EXCITING - DOOR!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the closet we'll ever get to an instant face turn, so there we are.
One more live shot from the Staples Center - the sun never really seems to go down with the hazy smog in the sky
Got him again - rolled back in for Shane, who pummels away as Hebner continues to talk about the Microsoft decision with Triple H. Ross has told Lawler to "shut up" about fifteen million times this match - funny. Off the ropes, back elbow by Shane. H giving directions - Rock laid on the second rope, and Shane says to Hebner that HE'S got some opinions about the Microsoft decision if he'd like to talk to him - behind his back, Triple H all over the Rock.
Well, another eleventh hour call to the producers on site got me a ticket to the SmackDown! taping. I have figured out that somewhere down the line between MY producer and the guy who puts my name on the list to get access, there exists somewhere in Connecticut a person whose sole purpose at WWFETowers is to shred Sportsline FAXes into little pieces and serve them in a salad for Shane McMahon to EAT. Shane McMahon EATS SportsLine FAXes. I'm sure of this...two shows in a row, you start to see the little conspiracies...
D'LO BROWN defeated PETE GAS with a Sky-Hi and pinfall in exactly 4:00 following a spectacularly missed top-rope guillotine legdrop by the Gasser. I'd say he's getting better, but could he have gone anywhere but up?
Look closely for Kat's cameltoe - or is it just a strategically-placed *faux* cameltoe?
In a moment that probably won't make it to television, Moolah totally cold-cocked Sparks post-match then gave the "up yours" arm motion to all four sides. Moolah's a DIVA.
Listen to Chimel wrap his lips around the word "poontang" - ah, THERE'S a man who loves his job!
The Dudleyz have officially crossed over into the land of the face, as the crowd BEGS them to produce a table and put Stratus through it. Such shocking endorsement of violence towards women is incredibly depressing - I mean impressive! IMPRESSIVE!
Kevin Kelly stood in the presence of the Rock, who manages to work in "monkey's nipple," "ass" and "slut" to ensure that SOMETHING gets bleeped tonight.
Caryn Mower makes her second appearance to a smatter of some more boos. I believe I can best describe her as "Sally Struthers meets Sally Field" but that assumes my audience is at least as old as I am, if not older. Tough noogies for you fifteen year olds, I guess.
As we go out, Stephanie asks for a private word with her father (and possibly this cameraman). She appears to be trying to show off her breasts, which will probably cause several of you to go wild despite the fact that she's HORRENDOUSLY UNATTRACTIVE.
Stephanie & Vince share a tender moment with all of us - she suggests putting X-Pac and Road Dogg in the main event in the place of her father and brother. "Please? For me, Dad...please?" ".....just this once." Hey, it's not incest if they're not fucking!
Post-match, Show called over that one ho - planted one on her AND copped a feel on her ass! Show's THE MACK! He carried her off over his shoulder - will she be a recurring character? She definitely had the giant breasts that all WWF women seem to need...
Hey, look, there are some OAKLAND RAIDERS in the crowd! Why the heck haven't they moved back to LA already?
Man, that Sammy Sosa ad is just bizarre. "Ess so *reeeeeeeeel*..."
Wow! It's the back of the Rock! He's almost WALKING!
Guerrero lies on the mat and kisses her foot, her shin, her thigh - err, stop there. He clings to her leg, making it difficult for her to walk.
Hey Stephanie, work on the arms if you're not gonna wear sleeves.
Hey, do these guys ALWAYS just walk around dressed to wrestle? I mean, it's COLD outside - you can't just WALK AROUND in tights and no shirt, Bob!
Lawler, having tried three times to explain how Holly can weigh over 400 pounds only to be interrupted by Cole's pesky play-by-play, blurts out an exasperated "Will you SHUT UP for a sec and let me explain to you about something you know nothing about, and that's muscles - they're dense! They weigh a lot more than that - that FLAB that's hangin' off your little body--" Cole: "FLAB?!? Look who's talking!" Cole can barely keep a straight face here.
When we come back, tag titles are on the line! We promise not to waste another twenty minutes on mostly interviews! Honest!
"Earlier Today," Terri tells Kat she wants to treat her to "a day of beauty" by way of saying sorry. Hey, who smells a rat? Oh, that's fish, I apologise.
Road Dogg needs to consult the Genius and get his poetry skills kicked up a notch.
Show comes out in a Venis weave and towel and does his Stevie Richards impersonation.
This sure is boring.
Hey, did you notice something this week? Hardly ANY of those INCREDIBLY ANNOYING "and he's WALKING!" bumpers - they have people leaving the ring, celebrating, whatever - and from there - they go straight into the ad break! What a concept! It might be deliberate that it happened THIS week...or maybe it's just coincidence. Still, I wanted to point it out because THE WHOLE DEAL with me making a giant production out of the fact that folks are walking around is my ATTEMPT to show you that there's a damn lot of it and it's really silly. Maybe the production type folk have figured out it ain't necessary. Yes - maybe I can FINALLY retire happy. Ehh, maybe not just yet.
You're watching UPN! The home of this graphic - EVERY hour!
When Triple H says "I'm your worst nightmare," isn't he really saying "you and I will main event EVERY pay-per-view until the end of time?"
If it's SmackDown!, we must be starting with a match...
RIKISHI PHATU v. EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) for the European championship - well, perhaps a LITTLE interview to open it up, as Eddie's got the mic, and a big pickle.......jar full of flowers.
Phatu with a superkick for Guerrero, a large pelvic thrust, and a stinkface for Chyna! Chyna has the dry heaves while Guerrero is picked up and set up for the Rikishi Driver...but Chyna pops in with a Golota to save the title (DQ 5:08). Chyna expresses great dissatisfaction at having to taste the...yeah - but before we get to see Eddie lick her boots, we cut away to
Sammy Sosa is looking RIGHT AT ME, MAAAAAN
Stephanie's wearing a boob tube, which not only gives us a view of her headlights, but her notoriously flabby upper arms. Also, she's wearing a pair of jeans that remind me of the "Jordache look" ads when I was in junior high - all she needs are some roller skates to complete the look, for crying out loud.
Shane gives us a little Emeril action by kicking it up a notch with a lot of "WHAM WHAM WHAM!" - if Shane ever had a horrendous accident, I think you could probably get away with bringing in Will Ferrell to play that part.
Well, that ties up THAT loose end in a big bow of NO LOGIC, doesn't it?
Hey, brothers-in-law don't shake hands - they HUG!
HARDY BOYZ v. VANILLA MIDGETS - you think that the sight of Malenko and Benoit walking down the ramp, each man with a title belt over his shoulder, isn't some kind of karmic, giant "fuck you" to Nash? That'd make a nice vidcap to mail to all the columnists who swore these guys were really much better off in WCW, wouldn't it? Sorry, just thinking aloud again.
How come Sizzler is calling it "all-you-care-to-eat shrimp" now? Are they worried that if they call it "all-you-can-eat" we'll develop some sort of gastrointestinal thing because we'll be unable to stop from going too far or something?
Ladies and gentlemen, I am starting to rethink my standing policy of always typing this sentence when a title changes hands. (title reign: :14)
So how come 7UP has such great commercials and Dr Pepper has such bland ones? They're the same company!
Cole tells me he's really having fun out there - well, I'm glad *one* of us is.
Cole: "You've got to admit, he's very entertaining...he's a lot of fun!" Shill harder, Cole.
From RAW, Trish Stratus pointed her breasts at Buh-Buh Ray Dudley long enough to allow Albert to sneak up and powerbomb him through a table.
Stratus is....well, still too busy jutting her breasts out to actually EMOTE...
Kat's wearing that painted on outfit with the thing and the crotch and the permanent wedgie and the yeah.
So, you know why that kid gets all agitated about his kid brother watching him toke on the joint? *He thinks he's gonna get ratted out to his parents!*
From RAW last Monday, Chyna screws Jericho - well, not LITERALLY
You know, X-Pac OWES Jericho about THREE clean pins, by my estimation.
STEPHANIE ONO is out one more time to give me the chance to one AGAIN say "BAD outfit choice - even if that IS the direction your character is supposed to be saying..."
I love it when that guy grabs the "Runkles" potato chips. I just love saying "Runkles" over and over. Hahahahahaha. "Runkles."
Who WRITES these lines for Cole?
Do you think they coach Stephanie? "Yeah, just put your chin into your chest, then look up, cockeyed. TRUST US, IT REALLY WORKS for you."
Hey, trust me - NONE of those guys are Spartacus
It's WRESTLING time! WRESTLING! Remember WRESTLING? WRESTLING!
I'd add "Now THAT'S how you book a swerve" but I know how that might incite you to send me email, and we don't want that.
Apparently, Eddie's GED test is tomorrow - he's busy studying - Chyna says his match is NOW and slams his hand in a book. Damn, did Guerrero get REALLY ethnic over the past few weeks or what?
Meanwhile, in an office, Linda's working on her laptop (no, she's TYPING - you pervert)
HEY! RUNKLES!
Stephanie tries to send Shane to pump her for some more information - wait, I think I just made a poor choice of words when talking about some McMahons...
Ross mentions that "on his day off," Tazz just happened to defeat the ECW Champion in under three minutes (up yours, Awesome!).
You know, that Saturn ain't nothin' but a GARGOYLE.
Once again, nobody mentions that referee "Blind" Jack Doan once fought for this title on Heat. I suffer quietly.
"The best sex is no sex - it's true, it's true!" Damn, he must have some REALLY AWFUL sex to believe *that!*
"...................than STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!" Ross has six simultaneous orgasms - yes, he IS overselling it JUST a touch.
So a quick count of the previous paragraph shows Jim Ross with a dozen orgasms. Hey! Shouldn't he have keeled over in that last segment? Is it too late to replace him on a long-term basis with Michael Cole? Do the WCW fans realise I'm *complaining* about something here or do I have to spell it out for them? Oops
LAVAR ARRINGTON is in the first row - he's a Redskins' draft pick or something - man, is he on sleeping pills or something? C'mon, man, ENERGY! ENERGY!
WOW! Ross is talking about STEVE AUSTIN! WOTTA SHOCK!!
Lawler says he seems to recall Vince and Austin being friends last time he saw them - well, continuity like THAT can only get you fired.
I will give Ross A MILLION DOLLARS if he'd SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT AUSTIN AND CALL THE DAMN MATCH.
WOW! ROSS CALLED A MOVE! Who had "almost three minutes" in the pool?
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new World Light Heavyweight champion! (4:41) - Lavar Arrington goes WILD! Well, no - actually he just sits there trying not to fall asleep.
Boy, if I didn't know better, I'd say they were trying to DELIBERATELY put on a show with no "WALKING!" bumpers, just to prove that they could do it...even if it's just once. Hey, guys - I DID notice. And I appreciate it. Thanks.
Yeah, that was one of those "nothin' happenin'" segments.
WWF Backlash is presented by Castrol GTX - damn, this whole show is COVERED in motor oil
I wonder when the Rock will run in and make this main event meaningless - oh sorry. Damn, do I even ENJOY wrestling anymore? All I ever do is BITCH. Waaah wah wah wah wah wah wah.
Dogg tries to attack Edge as he poses in the corner, but Edge must have teeth in the back of his head - wait, I meant eyes - and elbows him just out of camera range.
"SD JONES COUNTRY" sign! YES!
Tonight's counterpoint is offered by TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ, who is still wearing the ECW World Heavyweight championship and BREATHES VERY LOUDLY.
Tazz' music plays one more time as Cole speculates that this might be history in the making - the first time a champion from one organization goes one on one with the WWF Champion. I guess the fact that Benoit never lost his belt is lost on our short-memoried friend...
If Lawler says "Mamacita" one more time, I will have to kill him.
Tell me...if this is such a "euphoric" trance, why the heck isn't he smiling? Also, how come they NEVER list B.B. amongst the list of victims? "Oh, no, we didn't fire her - we SWEAR!" Not that I miss her...I'm just saying.
Rikishi Phatu is WALKING! And they STILL insist on giving his ass screen time!
Meanwhile, Big Show is ALSO WALKING! We even get a very special view of HIS rump! Well, at least they're not being discriminatory...
Well it's a big whip into the corner - Phatu sidesteps the charge again - wow, that's got to be the UGLIEST armdrag takeover in the world. Ugliest Samoan Drop in the world as well.
Staredown - they try to give a friendly camera angle so you don't think "MAN Tazz is SHORT" but it doesn't quite come off.
WWF Backlash is presented by the motor oil that lubes you up real nice - Castrol GTX!
hooray! A bucket of shit!
How come they always call it an Asai moonsault? I thought Asai's took place OUTSIDE the ring - otherwise it's just a quebrada. Somebody get Mike Tenay on this for me.
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM WE ARE LIVE 24.4.2K from the Entertainment & Sports Arena (c'mon, is it REALLY called that?) in RAWleigh, NC, broadcast on USA and maybe TSN and oh, by the way, I'm writing this report NAKED
Hee hee, lookit the fat man dance!
TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL has a few words via tape: "Buh-Buh Ray, there is something about tables that just - drives me crazy. There's - long ones. Those are fun. Oh and then there's round ones - I like those. And there's larger ones - and then there's smaller ones - depending on what kind of company you have. But the one thing that they all have to have in common is that they all have to be (knocks on wood) *hard*." Well, she still can't act, but she's hardly wearin' nothin' and I'm REALLY lonely
Shane talks fast and I hate transcribing him.
At least these guys have saved me the bother of play-by-play by promising the screwjob ahead of time.
I'm sure there's some sort of conspiracy theory that says they're trying to give out some free advice to their friends down south - "see, HERE'S how you do a 'smart' angle" - but why would they want to help their friends down south? So instead, I'll just speculate that it's more of a "fuck you" and a demonstration that anything Russo can (try to) do, the current writers at WWF can do better. By the way, before you write me, may I take this opportunity to remind you that I'm biased and have no problems telling you when something entertains me (or doesn't) and it's not stated as fact, but rather, my opinion, and BY THE WAY this is NOT journalism, but despite all that, you are free to email me as well as ringmaster@wrestleline.com with all complaints, which may or may not be cheerfully ignored.
Chyna models another frock while Guerrero hams it up a bit - wait - make that *chorizos* it up a bit - aie-yi-yi
Hey, why's she polishing tables when she could be POLISHING MY KNOB
"...in the Rock's corner will be Stone Cold Steve Austin!" Ross: "TWO ORGASMS! WAIT - THREE! THREE SIXTEEN, JUST LIKE AUSTIN! OH HELL YEAH!"
Did Vince think we didn't watch the show last week? This isn't "Mystery" on PBS, here!
HOLD THE PHONE! I CAN SEE ALMOST ALL OF THAT HO'S ASS!
STONE COLD STRIKES: RAW, September 1998: Zamboni fu!
Christian manages a 'rana, but Dudley takes him down with a full nelson buttdrop sitdown whatever thingy.
The WWF Divas are appearing in RAW Magazine! They're all greased up, bikini'd up and ready for your money! Be sure and - Heeeeeeeeeeey, that's the OLD RAW logo! Boo hiss! Discontinuity! I mean - WOW! LOOKIT ALL THEM *BREASTESSES!*
RUNKLES!!
Ross expresses his desire for Stone Cold Steve Austin to be here right now - a thought he silently expresses EVERY WAKING MOMENT.
Ross swears with impunity ("Sonuvabitch! I can't believe this CRAP!") and then, for an encore, says "Austin" seven times in three seconds.
Michael King Cole has officially started taking whatever drugs Jim Ross is on, by the way.
Before the Rock speaks, let's take some time out to acknowledge this chant. Think he'll talk? No, not yet. Get on with it, already! "Finally, the Rock..." that's it, I'm tired of transcribing.
Rock wonders when they'll start talking about HIM again.
Rock thinks about talking, but then decides that maybe the crowd will chant if he pauses.
Cole screams some more. Does Austin blow ALL the commentators?
Stomp, stomp, stomp, kick, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. ELEVEN punches in a row? Remember, friends, Malenko knows a THOUSAND holds.
Scotty makes the "I'm gonna do the Wurm" face, but this time it's a "I'm really surprised I lost my belt" face instead.
Let Us Take You Back To Selected Highlights of Trish's Comments to Buh-Buh Ray Dudley - you know, she still isn't much of a talker...WHOA! LOOKIT THEM HOOTERS!!!
Buh-Buh Ray has Trish by the hair while D-Von says "I love it at Levitz!"
Trish assumes the position on the shoulders of the burly white half of the Dudleyville Duo, but just before he puts the "super" in superbomb, she starts putting her lips all over Buh-Buh Ray's head. The crowd boos while D-Von says "aw, man, I set up this table and you're gonna get some nookie instead?"
When exactly in this paragraph did I start auditioning for "SportsCenter?"
Backstage, Shane, Stephanie, Triple H and Tori attempt to calm Vince, who insists that he IS calm...still, it might be a good idea to do the search party thing for the rest of the show. Shane's will play Shaggy to Vince's Scooby, while Triple H plays Fred and walks off with the women.
Backstage, Stephanie has been separated from Tori and Triple H - and to make things worse, she's lost her glasses and can't see! Jinkies!
I have spared you an AWFUL lot of Cole speculating on Austin being around tonight - and I do mean "awful."
Matt offers Jeff his choice of weapons - the trashcan lid or the cookie sheet? Jeff takes the proffered cookie sheet - and drops it. He wants to go scientific. WHACK! WHACK! Well, that's why Jeff IS THE STUPID BROTHER.
Cookie sheet set up between the turnbuckles - Jeff reverses the whip and ALL OF MATT'S TEETH FALL OUT. Oh, I guess that's just the sparkly bits on his belt. Hey, who wears a BELT to the ring? Answer: a guy with loose pants.
Hey, how about another look at that UPN Fan Cam - this time, we get a...hey, I already SAW this damn Worm impersonation!! What, you ran out of bumpers IN THE FIRST WEEK?!? NO *WONDER* NOBODY THINKS YOU'RE A **REAL** NETWORK!
Can something be spectacular AND cheesy at the same time?
Spectacular look at the bus on fire, with lots of smoke billowing out the front windshield. Credits and we're out.
After the show, Austin was arrested, right? Oh sorry
THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. T&A (by their damn selves) - Let Us Take You Back to last night, and stills of Trish kissin' Buh-Buh Ray, but still going through the table. Didn't they ask us to PAY for this match last night? Well, I guess not THIS match. Besides, with Trish off convalescing, what's for us to watch? Eh? "Wrestling?" Touche.
Let's take a quick look at the five covers of "WWF RAW" - Ross suggests "we collect all ten - I mean, five!" Damn, Ross, that's MY joke!
Vince and Stephanie have one of those "we swear it's not incest, it's just a loving father-daughter moment" moments to close out this segment.
"Because tonight, Rock, you're going to have the shortest reign of any WWF Champion in history!" (I think he said under his breath "except Andre the Giant and Yokozuna the first time" here, but didn't go back to check)
Ross has said about a dozen times that he thinks something is up here, so I guess something's up here. Wow, Ross just said it two more times! SOMETHING'S UP HERE - SOMETHING'S UP! DO WE HAVE TO BEAT IT INTO YOU? SOMETHING IS UP!!!!!!!
Show giving the sign but outside, we see that Edge has gone to the bell. Edge waffles Show and referee "Blind" Teddy Long calls for the bell - oops. Oh, the bitter irony!
Oh man, who let Tazz have the mic?
Crowd chants "We want Austin," but Ross tells us there'll be no Austin tonight. Geez, that's not like Ross to not be having all them orgasms and stuff when somebody's saying Austin.
Anyway, there's a spinebuster for Triple H, and Rock climbs up over the wall (but the door is RIGHT THERE! Had to say that once) ...and out. (9:14)
We start with a match, as recent history seems to demand.
Triple H lifts some weights and shills Metacuts by Metaform. "Metacuts makes YOU ... the Game!" Is this like ICOPRO (you gotta want it)?
Sign in crowd: "Earl Hepner Fan Club" Yeah, you're a REAL fan if you spell his NAME wrong, right?
"Then, it's only right, then, that Earl Hebner returns back to that ring tonight...here in his home town. Only this time, Earl Hebner will not be returning as a referee - no, tonight In That Very Ring Earl Hebner will have his very first wrestling match." Aww, geez, didn't I go to a lot of trouble to NOT type out that I thought this would happen on Monday? Now look what they go and do!
Let Us Take You Back to Backlash where Lita relieved Chyna of her prom dress, and Lawler said "bra and panties" but failed to have his head explode.
Backstage, Stephanie and Tori play "hide the money in Tori's cleavage"
Holly manages a jawbreaker - Cole invents "chinbuster" on the spot to commemorate the occasion
Oh boy! Monsters of Rap ad! Let's see...already got that, got that, don't have that one, got that one, got that one, got that, nope, yeah, no, yeah, HELL no, yeah, yeah, nope, got that one, nope, nope, yeah, yeah, plus many more! Got that one, got that one - but the Chill Rob D version, not the crappy Snap! one...and I don't think I have that one. Well, I guess I can save my $26.99 and make my own tape....well, maybe tomorrow
Geez, there's now enough folks in the McMahon-Helmsley Regime to fill up Hollywood Squares.
Ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA announces that this contest is for the "World Revelling Federation tag team championship." Must just be the way that the music masks what she's saying - to her credit, this is the first time in quite a while that she hasn't called those other guys the "Accolades."
Crowd wastes no time picking up an opportunity to chant "ass...hole..." 'cause it makes 'em feel NAUGHTY!
"1, 2, is this on?" Well, it's on now. Here come the HOLLYWOOD SQUARES - Garcia manages to remember and rattle off seven of the nine names.
Oh my, are we EVER in "don't go there" territory.
Jericho's had enough mic time - nice to see the champion enter second, isn't it? Makes me feel all tingly with tradition inside!
Alert the media: at 2146, the word "bitches" was heard over the PA as part of Ice T's Aggression track.
Brisco climbs to the second rope - don't tell me - BRISCO WITH THE TOP ROPE SPLASH THROUGH THE TABLE!!! Now that, my friends, is a "Nitro moment!" Play "Real American!"
Judgment Day Is Coming - apparently it involves little girls playing hopscotch
Hey, I think referee "Blind" Mike Sparks will get to ten here - in fact, Lilian Garcia is SO sure of it, she announces the countout victory while Sparks is only at four. Look, she's very pretty, but PLEASE - GET HER THE HELL AWAY FROM RING ANNOUNCING. (COR 3:19?)
Kid Rock is coming to
Sexay busts a move and runs into a big boot. There's a lesson there, I think.
Triple H tells us WE'VE GOTTA WANT IT! No, wait...sorry. Wrong product placement
I'm sure I'll get in big trouble with quite a few of you perverts if I don't quote Ross at this point: "That's more ass than Patterson can handle!"
Penis penis penis! Let's ALL say it!
Backstage, Show is WALKING! And randomly destroying objects. Funny moment occurs when Show expects a door to be locked, yet it calmly opens up in front of him - so he kicks it in anyway
Two things: I'm VERY confused by the lack of Helmsley-McMahon verbiage with us already in Segment Two...and I'd really like to strangle whoever taught Lawler how to say "Wazzup" between RAW and tonight. You know how something's cool until your PARENTS start repeatedly doing it? Lawler's taken that away from all of us...and he deserves to pay.
Benoit interrupts Godfather's standard speech of the advantages of the legal availability of plentiful hemp, which makes him THE GREATEST WRESTLER ALIVE.
Godfather in command? Well he's on the second rope for a Vaderbomb - that's gotta be the DUMBEST thing I've ever seen. He wouldn't have hit him even if Benoit HADN'T moved.
1, 2, is this on? It's fireside chat time as the STAMFORD SPRING LEAGUE CHAMPION SOFTBALL TEAM comes down in segment three - playing with the formula, eh?
Hey, guess what I DON'T want to see. That's right, it involves a poop stain!
Depending on your mood, some or all of the two following thoughts spring to mind from this segment:
1. What was the point of that?
Finally, anybody who feels compelled to ask, "How come I don't mind this when McMahon does it and yet I get annoyed when Russo tries to do it?" needs to do a serious side-by-side comparison until they can figure out exactly WHY the performances are so different - even then, you might not agree with me, but you should at least be able to figure out the rationale.
If I tell you
Lawler: "It's sorta reminiscient of when like, when Yoko broke up the Beatles." Cole: "Yokozuna broke up the Beatles?" WOOF.
The young fan give us his best "my mouth is agape out of shock and I'm really not acting, no sir" attempt and coughs up the fin.
NOW they're gonna get that Twist of Fate - oh, wait, Christian has the bell - you know, the problem with that audible "ding" when it hits the guy is it presumes that Chioda is DEAF as well.
And now...the punchline. Oh, wait, there isn't one. Damn! That was the perfect opportunity for a punchline! What is this, Monty Python? Gimme a punchline!
Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday where HAVEN'T I SEEN THAT DAMN SKID MARK ENOUGH THIS WEEK?!? No WONDER Hyatte took the week off!
RANDOM OBSERVATION: This was neat - I was checking out my web logs and saw that I was paid a visit by somebody on michael.vatican.va - as in, Vatican City - as in, THE POPE'S 'HOOD, YO. That's the good news. The bad news is whoever it was was looking for information on Baltimora. Oh well...you take the hits where you can get them, I guess.
Tag to Buh-Buh Ray - he's a house on fire! A VERY SLOW HOUSE ON FIRE.
"Bond explodes on video!" Hey, I don't wanna see Bond explode anywhere near me.
On Sunday, it'll be a big six man and I have a sneaky suspicion Pat Patterson will latch onto this action before all is said and done...well, perhaps that was an unfortunate choice of words...
Ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA is stymied. "Your winner, and new World Wrestling Federation hardcore champion...well--....one of Godfather's...ho's!" Now that's a DIFFERENT kind of hardcore!
Ladies and gentlemen, we have the same old hardcore champion - for the eighth time. (:16)
Vince wonders aloud if Rock has ever won a match by submission? Stephanie can't remember. Triple H offers "I don't believe the Rock knows any submission moves, Vince." I'd offer the first time Rock won the WWF Championship, but really, who can remember back that far? Wait a minute - *I* just did! Sharpshooter to Mankind, Survivor Series 1998...remember? Eh? Eh? Eh.
A limo arrives - Show is there to meet it. He drags out...some guy. Well, that's not Shane. In fact, I have no idea WHO that is. It's probably some ECWA guy; they're *everywhere.*
THAT SLUT CHYNA is out - don't treat her like a sausage - don't treat her like a ham. BaZOOka.
His Judgment Day is coming - I am SHOCKED and OUTRAGED that they would sing "London Bridge is falling down" so close to the anniversary of Owen Hart's death! OUTRAGED! SHOCKED!
It IS the Joe Louis Arena! Look! It's in big letters on that building up there!
Christian comes out to Edge's music because his music is apparently completely forgotten.
The shirt's off - you may scream now.
Faarooq is the MACK, so hit your knees and start praying!
In the back, Benoit screams a lot as EMT's keep touching his knee. Man, they're CRUEL! "Hey, Chris, does THIS hurt? Hahahahaha"
Christian removes his goalie helmet and puts it on Edge. This apparently blocks the stinky face. Rikishi: "Hmm, something doesn't FEEL right..."
Hey! Christian, Edge and Angle wait for their backs to be turned and attack from behind! This automatically makes them the COOLEST TEAM EVER!! Even better, these three stand in the Too Cool pose and then THEY dance! Angle falls to his knees in the celebratory pose and proceeds to bust a move *while on his knees*. Edge & Christian do their pose, then Edge goes into this MANIACAL hip-hop...well, the faces finally recover and chase them out, but not before my loyalties in the 6-man are firmly established.
Hey, Shane stole "Big Slow" from Rock - and HE stole it from Herb Kunze!
Moments Ago, Shane chokeslammed the Big Show. No, really! I have footage!
Fortunately, Holly manages to recover, kicks him in the ass and then takes a broomstick and...ummm....yeah. It looks a bit less painful on the replay, but did we REALLY need an answer to Ralphus in this federation?
And now - well, first, let me say that 4:45 is TOO FUCKING LONG TO ENDURE AN AD BREAK
Owen Hart died a year ago Tuesday. It still hurts.
I want to say more...but I find that that's all I CAN say.
Well... ["ass hole" - Ross actually SAYS "asshole" and doesn't get bleeped - what is this, South Park?]
WE ARE VERY LUCKY!! Trish SPEAKS - tonight!
Yep, she's still a laugher on the stick. Oh sorry, I mean, WOW! SHE'S PRETTY!!
Chioda finally stops staring at Trish's tush and makes the count - 1, 2, 3. (3:56)
In the front row are Indy drivers ROBBIE BUHL, BILLY BOAT and EDDIE CHEEVER JR. Hey you know A.J. Foyt is like an Indy MAFIA dude - did you see him slide Boat in at the very last minute on Bubble Day? Whoa. I'm tellin' ya! And how white am *I* to have been watching THAT instead of the Lakers/Blazers game?
Hey, who IS that guy? He looks so...so familiar. Can we call Brown "Peanut Head II?"
Moments Ago...and another thing! Why call it a "pipe" when it's clearly solid? And am I just bitching because this is WCW? Whaa? This ISN'T WCW? Holy cow, WHERE'S MY BIAS NOW?!?
Linda McMahon and Kane are on the cover of Business Week! Now's the time to invest the college fund!
Gerald Brisco gets Triple H on the cel phone...but the connection breaks up. So Brisco slams down the cel phone. I AM SHOCKED AND APALLED AT THIS GREVIOUS DISPLAY OF VIOLENCE AGAINST PERSONAL ELECTRONICS
God, that humongous tattoo on Lita's shoulder is REALLY REALLY UGLY.
Saturn decides to beat on Rios from behind instead. No, not like THAT. Sheesh. Saturn all over Rios - no, not like THAT. Geez, isn't this homoerotic enough without all your dirty thoughts? Saturn hits the Exploder - no, not like THAT - Rios reverses a whip, Saturn goes downstairs - no! Dammit, I'm trying to call a MATCH here.
Rios spits out his gum while crying out in pain. Saturn doesn't seem much happier. I guess he wishes he was back in WCW calling himself "the trouser snake."
Undertaker rides his bike around the ring - culminating in a wacky chase of Shane up the ramp. Can Chainz be far behind?
Rock spends about a half hour trying to get his shirt off (hint: unbutton your sleeves next time, Rock!) so we cut to a shot of the comatose Triple H instead of embarrassing him further.
Cops in the ring! Hey look! There's some cops in the ring!
They run halfway upa flight of stairs - then turn back to give us reaction shots. 'taker revs his ride. Will Undertaker go up the stairs on that bike? Apparently he's surgically attached to it or something. This is me rolling my eyes.
Is it possible to limp AND swagger in the same gait?
McMahon puts his finger hard into the cop's shoulder - if they were Nash and he Hogan, he'd probably go down for three.
Trash Talkin' Stage ad. How DO they make that little tiny oil barrel burn with those cute little tiny flames like that?
Faarooq tosses the garbage can and lid into the ring as Bradshaw reminds us that Faarooq's had bigger bowel movements that Crash.
So, did Martin Lawrence ever come out of his coma or did they make this movie BEFORE that thing happened?
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by the NEW Midas! (Don't worry - we'll still rip you off)
This was SO much more fun to watch than Vince McMahon rolling around as if his life were in danger.
Meanwhile, the Undertaker is WALKING! Say, isn't that the garage door they're on the other side of....ah, hell, some more ads?!? Screw this, I'm watching "Homicide."
Rios rolls outside and checks on Lita - check that, he puts her in the ring, shoves referee "Blind" Mike Sparks down, then powerbombs Lita out of her pants! Hey Lita, say no to crack!
Metaform's MetaCuts makes you The Game - and very strangely coloured, apparently
How come Buh Buh Ray has more soul than D-Von? That ain't right.
Buh Buh Ray does the macarena (both commentators pretend they've forgotten what the name of that dance was) - then busts a big-time move. Then we look at Rikishi's giant ass. The corners light up and the world can't be any happier...well, I DID get some wrestling to set all this up, so I guess I can't complain TOO much.
Kid Rock is coming - this Monday! He looks kinda SCRAWNY to be a wrestler...
Sign in crowd: "Ruck the Fock" Yeah, buddy.
Well, a lot of the wrestling was pretty hot shit. I don't know 'bout that other stuff, though. Of course, we all know that wrestling fans are only eight tenths of a point....right?
Hey, look! It's Kid Rock! And he can actually see the camera in front of him! "What are you lookin' at?" Obviously a fan of Saturn! Joe C. offers "I am American Shortass" as he holds a beer in one hand and his crotch in the other. Aww, that's cute.
Kat is wearing a pink wig, while Godfather advertises smokin' weed on his vest. Terri is wearing an outfit which should guarantee that NONE of this match makes TSN.
"US sux!" chant from the Canadians who paid to watch Americans working for an American company.
Joe tells them that after their match, they might be interested in (beep)ing themselves. Awww, that's cute.
I'm very disappointed that not ONCE have either of these guys asked Joe C. "where the Pussycats were." Eh? Eh? See, there was this show called "Josie..." oh forget it.
What's that fat guy doing hanging out with that Britney Spears clone, anyway? Shouldn't he be fingering a cupcake?
Moments Ago, Ross says "the satellite problems have cleared up" - oh, come ON. Don't compound a BUSH LEAGUE technical problem with a LAME BULLSHIT excuse - just let it go, baby - just let it go. This is a slow, steady slide to THUNDERLAND, Ross.
I believe it was Douglas Adams who first noted that if we're *really* lucky, Shane will regale us with some of his crappy poetry first.
I leave it as an exercise to the reader to determine how two men can take out eleven
It's the Tacoma (WA) Dome 1.6.2K (taped 30.5) and over nineteen thousand fans--ewww, did I just see used underwear stuck to a sign? C'mon, there ARE lines that shouldn't be crossed...
Champs enter first because it's never too early to *screw tradition*....or, more likely, so we can establish the heeldom for this match by having the second team jump the first.
L - A - M - E - it's the Worm!
Hey - that's not Undertaker - that's Willie Nelson!
Undertaker calls his fist a "soupbone" 'cause he's hep, yo.
After watching THIS on the monitor, the other eight faction members asynchronously slap their foreheads and say "Oh, man."
For such a short match, you still gotta like how they worked up to that powerbomb. Oh, you didn't notice? Well...don't you appreciate it MORE now? No? Well, bloody hell. This is WRESTLING, man! WRESTLING! (Disclaimer: this is actually *WWF* wrestling, and may not be considered "wrestling" in your municipality, depending on which websites you visit - still, it's the little things...maybe they'll come around with more nice examples like this - damn, have I gone off on a tangent or what?)
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS BENOIT v. D'LO BROWN - Hey, you know what's cool about this? You don't NEED a story behind this match! The commentators drop a "Benoit's a fighting champion" and *that's it*. No four minutes promos for a two minute match, no contrivances - just....hey, Russo, listen up...just A BELT. That's all you need. And I bet that with two good workers in Benoit and Brown, this'll be a nice li'l match, too. Hey, listen to me espouse workrate. I'll be talking about that Angle/Bradshaw match for WEEKS! (Or until I can get a DVDVR guy to break it down using more words than I did)
Meanwhile, Kat seems well oiled
Kat wears a blue wig stolen from Daffney's collection. If it's SmackDown!, *everybody* must be wearing blue!
Tonight, Terri is the "puppies" and Kat is the "kitties." Now you've pretty much heard Lawler's entire routine.
Lawler sits down in the opposite corner and asks Kat to "make my face the happiest place on earth!" HE'S GOT A STIFFY!! Yeah, right, like *I* was checking out the King's package. I was ACTUALLY thinking "Wow! Did Jim Dotson shave his head?"
Please, UPN - if you appreciate the revenue this program brings in, please SPEND some of it and DEVELOP MORE THAN ONE BUMPER. Or...just don't bother
EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with Skippy) v. LA ROCA in a Handicap, #1 Contenders match - No mic time for our Canadian friends tonight. The REAL question is, given that Undertaker plowed through DX in 2:25, how long will it take the Rock to best the former tag team champions? Oh, wait - I suppose he could lose. BWAAAAAAhahahahahaha. Hey, actually though, you know how I'D book this? Shane gets in the ring and waffles Christian to give THEM a DQ *WIN*. But then...I just don't care much for the Rock. That's why I'm not a booker - there'd be no money made if *I* was booking! You know how it goes...Steve Blackman would be main eventing every week, Viscera would squash X-Pac out of the business...oh the match is starting.
If you REALLY missed me typing "right" a couple hundred times, I'm sorry I halfassed this match.
KOR is brought to you by Subway. Now I know Rick Scaia will ask me "But what about KANG and KOLOTH?" if I don't head him off by mentioning it here.
Sadly, no mic work from Stratus for us to make fun of.
Hey, a little bonus for us tonight - HOT FICTIONAL KICKBOXING ACTION! My money's on the guy that's got WALKER, TEJAS RANGER in his corner! Most likely, after falling behind...and finding himself in slow-motion, desperately needing to reach deep down within himself... Oh, sure enough. You know what would have helped this guy win quicker? If only he'd gone OVER THE TOP!! Hey, what kinda crazy world has live kickboxing simulcast on AM radio, anyway? Oh, wait, here comes .... umm... that guy! You know, the black guy! He's got the information that'll bust this case WIDE open! Oh...I don't like the looks of this...kick him, Walker! KICK HIM!! Eh, nuts to this. I'm fast forwarding!
Whoops, I STILL want to hear Chuck singing the theme song, though...ahhhhhh. "'Cause that's where the Rangers' gonna be." *sniff* I still get chills hearing it...
He gets about three steps before the "His Judgment Day is Now" video starts playing and out walks (walks?) THE WHITE VISCERA. Is he chewing on a tebacky there? Eww.
Moments Ago, the McMahons and Helmsleys had a bitchslapping contest
Backstage, the six members of the McMahon-Helmsley Faction make up with apologies - and a group hug. Hey, where are Pat Patterson's arms?
The table is set up out on the floor and Buh-Buh Ray has Tori in the position...but X-Pac manages a save at the last minute, with a Golota. They run off while Buh-Buh Ray holds his Little Dick Dudley.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with Kane and openly mocks him by using a lotta big words.
Man, Undertaker has some PRETTY hair! Kevin Nash is in BIG TROUBLE!
Rock tries to get up - NO - HE'S *SELLING* THE CHAIRSHOT!!!!!!!! Quick take me to an ad break - I need air!
Faarooq is a bit pissed off - I think - his face ALWAYS looks like that, though.
Angle sneaks in the ring behind Buh-Buh Ray's back and hits the Olympic Slam. Buh-Buh Ray is ALSO the legal man! 1, 2, 3! THEY WERE BOTH THE LEGAL MEN FOR THEIR TEAM! DO YOU HAVE *ANY* IDEA HOW FUCKING COOL THAT IS??? (4:10) By the way, Eric Bischoff still hates tag team wrestling. Vince Russo doesn't mind as long as it's a mixed tag.
The faces take their revenge post-match as Jericho puts Angle in the Walls of Jericho while a table is found - there's 3D (Dudley Death Drop) through that table in a highly-contrived spot - but nobody seems to care. I'm still basking in the afterglow of one legal man pinning the other one, so I'll let this go.
Can we PLEASE get away from using the word "orgasmic" in the associated commentary?
Somebody will ask me why Buchanan & Boss Man are on this late in the show and I'll respond "because the Hardyz wrestling themselves may draw attention away from the big main event coming up."
Matt punches Boss Man through the rope as Buchanan collapses into position for Jeff to come back in and hit the swanton bomb - 1, 2, 3! BOTH MEN WERE LEGAL!!!!!! THIS IS THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lita gives a "yeah" backstage. SHE knows who the legal men were. (2:40)
Okay, well when I should have been writing this, I was watching the Stanley Cup finals. I REGRET NOTHING!
BOOM BOOM BOOM LET'S GO BACK TO MY ROOM PYRO En Espanol Donde Sea Disponible - did that sign REALLY say "No Goal?" C'mon, that's like saying that the 49ers fumbled the ball in the NFC Championship game - *I've* gotten over it.
APPROXIMATELY 89% OF THE MCMAHON-HELMSLEY FACTION hits the ring to fireworks, balloons and confetti - they must have gotten wind of the simultaneous goings on in Knoxville and they too are celebrating Ric Flair's retirement. And how appropriate - Triple H *is* Ric Flair and all.
I'd have less of a problem with this if they hadn't already chewed up a half an hour of show time...
Kane puts his hands upon his hips - when he dips, he dips, you dip.
Godfather asks his women if they've ever read "I, Tina." Wouldn't wanna be in THAT hotel tonight!
Champion enters first because....hell, maybe he likes it. I dunno.
Lita's stomach looks kinda funky, don't it? Or is it just her pants bein' too low makes it look that way? Thong thong thong thong thong.
Venis puts a foot on his chest and raises his arms. I think we can FINALLY seal the deal on the heel turn. You feel? How about a meal? Before Zod you will kneel! I stole this bit from some schlemiel.
Don't be a bonehead, don't be a clown, don't try this at home. Unless you want to tape it.
Meanwhile, Undertaker is WALKING! Meanwhile, Kane is WALKING! Meanwhile, Rock is WALKING!
You know, I'm sensing a DEARTH of creativity here.
LA ROCA immediately comes out to reward you from turning away from Russo yammerin' away on the other channel.
Rock stalls 'cause it's a two hour show.
Did Linda get her acting ability from her daughter?
Ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA stumbles over which belt Malenko holds - yeah, it's tough when he barely defends the thing, wot?
Meanwhile, Stephanie bitches and moans. "Hunter, what am I gonna do?" "I don't know - I don't know." "That's it? That's your advice?" I was thinking maybe Muffy could save her....hey, remember Muffy?
Hey, have you ever wondered what the Kiel Center looked like from the outside? Well, here you go, Spunky!
Sexay crawling to Hotty - Albert holding on - Sexay with an enzuigiri - HOTTY TAG! Never mind we haven't even gone a minute yet...I mean, WHAT A GREAT MATCH! LOOKIT SCOTTY TOO HOTTY GO! There, you happy?
Moments Ago, Vince went "ohhhhhhh don't superbomb me" and then "ahhhh! I'm falling and I can't get up!" and then "eeeek! Buh-Buh Ray landed on my ankle!"
Buchanan starts up the bike, which immediately sends the Undertaker sniffing out to see what's up. H and the Stooges scatter - and Buchanan drives off. Hey, Undertaker, if you'd tried RUNNING, you MIGHT have caught him!
Kane beats up random plastic objects in his dressing room
Moments Ago, Chris Benoit did a bad, bad thing
Man, I forgot what the outside of the Kiel Center looked like - oh, hey!
People's elbow? Off one rope, off another...Kane with the zombie situp! Rock kicks him back down and drops the elbow anyway. That's funnier when the Undertaker does it - but still pretty funny.
Ummm..."the real winners are the FANS?"
Nah. (No contest 6:51?)
Backstage, Vince tells the troops that phase one is complete, thanks to Shane...now it's time to have some fun. I have a feeling that "have some fun" will roughly translate to "after four minutes of ads, we'll come out and talk for fifteen or twenty more."
Even old cynical Cole notes that we can't get through a night without a visit from APPROXIMATELY 78% OF THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES.
Sometimes, the simplest signs are the best: "Triple H has a big nose."
Does Shane just sweat a lot or were they just throwing liquid at him earlier? This *is* Chicago, you know.
Both Hardyz wear black just to see if we'll get confused and start referring to each brother incorrectly.
Hotty off the ropes with the bulldog, making the face and doing the "I gotta take a shit" dance, W - O - R - M
Moments Ago, four men get the better of two - then five send the two on a magic dumpster ride.
Before you write me and complain, why not pretend I said something along the lines of "I am OUTRAGED that Bull Buchanan got a pinfall over Chris Jericho!" even though I personally don't really believe that. Replay shows the Jericho actually starts MELTING when Stephanie douses him with the water, so it should come as no surprise that he actually loses.
The commentators riff on the Shaft theme, but Cole, being extremely white, forgets to tell Lawler that he can dig it.
What the hell's up with Jean-Claude's HAIR?
"Now I ask you, LInda, how's that for a giant set sized of grapefruits, huh? How's that?" Triple H asks Vince if he's lost his mind. I'M just trying to figure out what a giant set sized of grapefruits is...
X-Pac with a gutshot and X Factor attempt - which is countered by Benoit into a press'n'drop - another Crippler crossface and THIS time X-Pac quickly taps. (4:53) Thank God - if he had gotten pins on BOTH Malenko and Benoit in the same month, I might have had to write a letter or something.
Hey, look! Some TENNESSEE TITANS in the crowd! You can DAMN well bet once the XFL starts, we stop coddling those wussy *NFL* players!
HARDY BOYZ v. KANE in a Handicap match - It's almost as if they KNOW that Vince Russo is sitting home, watching, and they're gonna put on this match where about *100%* of the audience knows who is gonna win, but they're STILL going to put on the match, and, who knows, they MAY use some WRESTLING to tell the story ANYWAY...just because they can.
Right, right, double choke from Kane, put in the corner, uppercut, back elbow, uppercut - well, maybe "WRESTLING" was too strong a choice of words.
Hardcore has new music that sounds suspiciously like his OLD music - on a 45 played at 33. They're called records, ask your parents.
Test drags a limp Rock - oh, but he punches right back, fresh as a daisy. Man, I hate that no-sellin' bastard.
Albert with the ring bell and while Hebner stares at Stratus' cleavage, Albert WAFFLES him. Man, I can't WAIT to see Rock no-sell THAT!
People's Elbow, 1, 2, 3. Yeah, I know. EVERYBODY loves this guy but me. Too bad *I'm* the one writing this thing - ain't that a BITCH? (6:06)
Meanwhile, Trish Stratus' cleavage is WALKING! T&A are behind her, I think - I wasn't lookin'
Hey, is Albert FINGERING her as he carries her off over his shoulder?
Say, Big Show will be on Conan O'Brien tonight! Not literally, I hope.
Meanwhile, Kat asks the other woman in the locker room to put out her cigarette - hey, that's no lady, that's Pat Patterson in drag! Terri enters the ring and says the mixed tag is booked - now all she has to do is find a partner. Then she calls her "trash" and skips away merrily. Oh, man, this'll...well, let's wait and see, there'll be PLENTY of time for bitching in the second hour
Jericho responds to this with...no mic time. Instead, he rushes the ring and it's on. They both throw haymakers - to the corner and they're still punching away. Down to the mat, rolling around - catfight! Catfight! CATFIGHT!!!
Well, now we cut to JERRY LAWLER, who has decided that something's got to be done about this - removes his coat and hits the ring! What is this, Memphis? Oh yeah - it is.
Terri winds up for a broncobuster to Lawler - and HITS it. Must be a dream come true for him.
Hmm...Walker vs. the Klan...now I'm not a betting man, but I think I'd have to go with......Walker. After all, NOBODY throws those slow-mo blows like he does. Whoa! The WOMAN got in a shot too!
'course, that old coot just STOOD AROUND and did NUTHIN' - like ALWAYS
Let's waste no time - we have a new WWF Champion and let's bring him out... it's LA ROCA. Five-time champion. Boy, doesn't THAT seem wrong?
So, the GOOD news is wwf.com has been completely retooled. The BAD news is wwf.com now seems surprisingly devoid of Steve Blackman-related content. The BAD news is the search function gave me a "proxy error" (whatever that is) when I tried to search for Steve Blackman.
The BAD news is that the WWF New Media department aren't making restitution to me for embarrassing them with public technical support.
At WWF New York, a camera spies a limousine pulling up...and exiting it is...a woman! And another woman! And there's another woman! And one more woman! It must be The Godfather! No, he's NOT one of the women - you're thinking of somebody else.
Yesterday on "Superstars," the Rock met Mike Piazza and they posed for photos - in each other's clothes! Eewwwww!
Meanwhile, Kane and Undertaker are WALKING! Undertaker: "You want some dip?" Kane: "Naw. I saw an ad that said tobacco was whacko."
How come Undertaker never rides with a helmet? It's the law!
Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Trish Stratus and Chyna had what an old employer of mine liked to call..."issues."
OH BOY! Chyna and Eddie are gonna dance with Too Cool and Rikishi! WOW! Suddenly, WHO CARES that that pretty good match was totally screwed over - LOOK IN THE RING! THEY'RE DANCING! Oy...it's gonna be one of THOSE nights...
wwf.com - new look, same attitude! Now Steve Blackman free.
THA GODFATHA (with eight - no, four ladies) v. BULL BUCHANAN - "It's time--" and the music fires up, cutting him off. That's a point for Bull right there!
Back for another heapin' helpin' of SQUASH. This is what I like to call CANADIAN PRETZELS!!
I take back *everything* I said about squashes and jobbers and all that...except that bit where I made fun of Keith.
Moments Ago, we're gonna give that powerbomb one more blowjob. PLEASE accept it - the Tombstone is evil!
Hey, STEVE BLACKMAN lives! And he's walking down the ramp with referre "Blind" Chad Patton swinging some 'chuks. Crash takes a VICIOUS gutshot from the nunchuks, and one to the back. Leg is hooked - Patton counts - 1, 2, 3!! Holy crap! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a NEW WORLD Hardcore champion and a man we can ALL be proud of! (5:41) NOW GET HIM SOME WWF.COM LOVE!
Jericho to the corner, springing off with a dropkick that takes Triple H down through the table on the floor! This is the new intense ANGRY no goofy hairdo no fun mic time Jericho - warm up to him like an Undertaker powerbomb, baby.
Despite all this manipulation and selling of things I don't wanna buy by the WWF, the fact that STEVE BLACKMAN won a title (adding to NO arena appearance by the Rock) automatically makes this the GREATEST SMACKDOWN! EVER!!
"You didn't have to let Jericho kiss you." Oooh, dissension in the ranks? Stephanie says it was the most disgusting thing ever - I mean, getting kissed by a BOY - ewww!
Champion enters first because he's got a chick with him.
Take a drink every time someone says "genetic jackhammer."
Moments Ago, Benoit partook of some hideous misconduct.
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. They reinforce Benoit's pride and overall Wolverineness.
COMMISSIONER FOLEY hits the ring for this month's version of the twenty minute promo.
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: RIKISHI v. THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono) - champion enters first because ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA can't remember which title is on the line unless she actually sees it being carried to the ring.
Ross gives us his Kevin Kelly impersonation by laughing as if this was the MOST HYSTERICAL THING EVER AND THERE'S NO *WAY* HIS LAUGH IS FORCED
Faarooq pounds away - he's the most over man in Florida besides the Rock, you know.
Hey, you know X-Pac is happy to job in tag team matches...but he'll NEVER job in a singles match! X-Pac actually holds up two fingers to remind us of this fact (well, HE was probably saying "only a 2 count" but I take creative license)
Post-match, we get the tandem Kane "I can't tombstone anymore" chokeslam/Undertaker "I can't tombstone anymore" powerbomb. Ross goes out of his way to tell us that Undertaker's "Last Ride" powerbomb is the greatest, most devastating move since the days of the Colesium and nobody really likes that tombstone piledriver anyway. Don't buy it! Write your local congressman and let them know that you want Vince McMahon and the WWF to LET THE MAN PERFORM HIS DAMN MOVE!!!
A Looney Tunes bit breaks out which I don't feel compelled to preserve for posterity.
Here comes...the BROOKLYN BRAWLER. I give this match ONE minute. Then I'll start bitching. Angle doesn't even need a minute!
Damn, they're not even TRYING, are they. "Hey, look! We'll give you the Brooklyn Brawler in the last half hour! You'll STILL watch!"
Brawler going for the tag - but Angle pulls his hand away - drops off the apron - and walks off. Angle is the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE! I get a SUPERkick out of THAT.
Well, what do you know - I *enjoyed* that segment. Must be something WRONG with me.
One more look at Times Square - I been there - and there - and there - but not there...yet. Hey, they don't CALL it "Fleet Week" anymore, you politically incorrect Okie...
Benoit continues to lay down some smack of his own - Crippler crossface! Crowd chants "Rocky!" Yeah, Rocky's the guy in the submission hold there.
Let Us Take You Back to Monday Where Angle Pissed Off the Undertaker.
Backstage, Angle celebrates in his usual inimitable style - including the upending of several bowls of foodstuffs at the buffet table. Mideon stops Angle long enough to point out that Angle's managed to dump some milk on Undertaker's motorcycle. This begs two questions: what the heck is Mideon doing at this arena, and what the heck is 'taker thinking parking near the buffet table? (No "fat Undertaker" jokes are acceptable as answers, by the way.)
When we come back, Stephanie is practicing her one pose (belt over shoulder, opposite arm on hip, leaning to the side with head cocked as Spaniel) when Triple H's limousine pulls up.
Chaz manages a nice apron-to-the-floor clothesline, and Brown busts out a no-hands tope onto D-Von. Still, this is the kind of filler you usually see on Jakked, not that I have any right to complain about match quality in the year 2000 when it could be nothin' but prime 80's squash for two hours...the REAL point is, I'm doing a hell of a lot of stalling to prevent calling this action.
IVORY & JACQUELINE v. SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO (with four - no, two women) in an intergender handicap match - women come out to Jackie's music, while Malenko carries some title belt of some sort...it looks familiar, but darned if I can't seem to place it. (If you write and tell me, I'll kill you.)
Front face, Ivory reverses, snapmare, Malenko...what is this, mat wrestling? I can't handle this. I'm outta here. Okay, I'm back.
Champion enters first because promos aren't as much fun when they don't have Too Cool's music behind them.
Yes, everyone Tazz has helped is Canadian - let's call it coincidence and wish very hard.
Moments Ago, Chris Jericho did that - and that - and then he did that. Hey, I didn't think he'd do THAT!
For a written transcript of this promo, please consult the very fine SmackDown! reports written by Scott Keith over on...oh wait, he doesn't EVER transcribe promos for you, DOES he. Oh, well.
Crowd chanting "Rock E." because they're nitwits.
Now Benoit is once again putting the Crippler crossface on Chyna. I'll NEVER get tired of watching that.
Meanwhile, Shane and Rock are back with their sprinting demonstration - Rock punches away on Christian after blocking one - his spit actually MISSES his right hand, but it's still *devastating*.
Earlier Today, a limousine pulled up to WWF New York - and the Kat emerged. I DID hit the place over the weekend. I vowed not to leave until I saw Steve Blackman's entire entrance video...and now, my life is complete.
STEPHANIE ONO comes out to hit her one pose and if we're lucky, maybe she'll tilt her head to one side, too.
Lita makes with the hairpull takeovers while Stratus makes with the "lookit my ass" and awkward landings.
Lita asks the crowd if she wants her to pull off Stratus' top - crowd says "nah, we know what silicon looks like" - no, of COURSE they egg her on.
Crowd content to ignore the match in favour of a "Stephanie swallows" chant. Is it that time of the year to proclaim DX dead once again? How the time passes.
Benoit keeps the hold on for a while longer - "oh yeah? Not gonna tap to my hold? Take this, Mr. Eyebrow!" Well, he probably THOUGHT that, anyway.
By the way, my 7-Eleven doesn't celebrate 7/11 day anymore. I miss getting eleven cent Slurpees and seven cent hot dogs.
UPN 44, UPN 31 and Wild 94.9 all had quite a presence - but since I got nothing from it, I won't mention it further - you see how it works? I'm a WHORE!
One of those dastardly cheating pins, with feet on the ropes, added leverage from the partner and possibly some superglue used on the mat - I made that last part up because I'm sleep-deprived and the voices in my head told me to type it.
KAI EN TAI managed to have a tidy little match with D'LO BROWN & CHAZ, hitting all the crowd pleasing spots that we've all come to know and enjoy while simultaneously stifling the pangs of misery that come with knowing they could actually be WRESTLING somewhere, almost ANYWHERE, else. Hey, look, I'm channeling my workrate fiend personality! Where's he been all these years?
Did I mention KEVIN KELLY at the table with Cole for Heat? No? Did I mention I pointed at him and he didn't react? No? Let's move on.
During the break, two sections of the crowd play "security ping pong" by holding up offensive signs, causing the folks in yellow slickers to walk back and forth confiscating them. "Show your tits" leads to a tag and "I eat pussy" and then they tag to two blow-up dolls - who knew messing with THE MAN could be so much fun?
Also MUCH fun ensues when a security guard SNAPS and starts legitimately throttling one of the two assholes, presumably for something he said, but I missed it. The louder asshole, who managed to avoid a deadly choke, went on a tirade about lawsuits and what not. They were later led away, but got to come back - they probably got to go backstage and meet a WWF chick of their choice for their troubles. I hate assholes. Hey, want to get free stuff out of the WWF? Piss off a security dude enough to have him physically attack you! You're set for life, baby! Hey...what do you MEAN I shouldn't type sentences like that?
Rock is WATCHING! Crowd, having gone without Rock to this point, collectively lets out their repressed sexual tension - can you smell what the Rock is cooking?
What a lovely exterior shot of the Arena! Legit sellout, my friend - not an empty seat in the house - except those people who got food poisoning at the last minute - or shot - you know
If ya smellllllll--ukk! Benoit punks him out in mid-catchphrase and I can't stop saying YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH BOYEEEEEEE and this is the HIGHLIGHT of my LIFE so far.
I will grant that she's much cuter in person...but she's still nothing I'd write home about. Again, that's just me. Although...if you disagree with me, you're WRONG
Moments Ago, Kane chokeslammed Angle. I didn't mention this above? Oh. Did I mention it took 4:47? And that TRIPLE H had quite a hand in making sure Angle lost? Well, there you go, pookie!
Bugger me, I was there live and I STILL couldn't figure out how the steel steps magically moved themselves so 'Taker could lap the ring on his ride. It's black magic, I tells ya!
PYRO AWAY! They must have adjusted the OvalCam three or four times early in the night, in case you cared. You did not.
There are over 17K in the legit-sellout filled Oakland Arena in Oakland, CA - home of the Golden State Warriors (Slogan: "We don't suck...much")
Psst - Rikishi and Venis were the legal men. Who needs Johnny Ace?
Lita dances on her knees like Hall & Oates told her to. The Hardyz remind us that they actually ARE white after all.
H gives the STEEL steps a few whacks, as if to let us know that the sledgehammer is really, really hard. I hate having to guess, don't you?
Jeff climbs the ladder (no hands, ma!) but misses yet again. X-Pac feels sympathy for Hardy, and sells a head scissors that had no right to work.
Here's an exterior of the hideously ugly Oakland Arena.
Crowd chants "APA" while Faarooq tries a bearhug. Christian Tomahawk chops out of it (how ironic!)
Meanwhile Kurt Angle is as deer in headlights - if it was WALKING!
Triple H and Stephanie are WALKING!
Meanwhile, Undertaker is...um...er...SITTING ON HIS RIDE!
Watching Triple H's entrance video, it hits me: he NEVER wears those fruity berets anymore! Don't you miss them, too?
There's nothing so scary as seeing Undertaker ride his motorcycle around the ring! Triple H fails to put a stick in his spokes to get the upper hand.
Golly, for a no DQ match, they're sure not doing anything interesting, are they?
Right hand. Right. Undertaker fires back with a right. H with a right. Right by Undertaker. Boy, punches are fun.
H, Undertaker, H, Undertaker, H, Undertaker, left, right, left, right, left, right, Yang-like body work, off the ropes, powerslam, 1, 2, no. Wow, did I just compare Undertaker to Yun Yang? Give me an award!
TONIGHT: The Commissioner is back in town, and this ain't no Thin Lizzy song!
Well, it's been nine minutes, let's bring out KANE. Say, I bet in two or three minutes, Triple H might come out, then two or three minutes later, the Rock might come out. Then ... then *Tom Brandi* will come out! Man, it'll be WILD! The crowd will go NUTS for Tom Brandi!! Tom Brandi! Tom...Tom.....eh, screw it. Let's listen to Kane.
God, does it ever END? Here's LA ROCA to make sure we bracket this quarter hour.
Hey, you know that "Your table is ready" shot would make a damn fine poster - you know the one I'm talking about? Yeah, that one.
Stratus' breasts look even *more* frightening tonight.
Sign in crowd: "FEAR THE MULLET" - yer DAMN right.
What *I* wanna know is where the heck is Steve Blackman in all this?
I just *gotta* learn me that "diggin' a hole" dance Grand Master Sexay does.
Tag to Scotty 2 Hotty - "X Pac Sux" chant is so loud, crowd forgets to react to the breakdancing double clothesline - which could quite possibly be the LAMEST move of the year, if not for the fact that they've only busted it out twice so far so it's not getting the recognition it deserves if not for the protracted lobbying on the part of your humble reviewer. Where were we?
"LONG LIVE THE MULLET" sign in the front row - it's MULLET night!
How come the cameras keep sweeping the arena when Edge's music starts, even though it's been MONTHS since they've been entering from anywhere BUT the entryway?
Fully Loaded, if you believe the hype, has a "triple main event." - Rock/Benoit, Triple H/Jericho, and Undertaker/Angle. If you ask me, only ONE thing can guarantee a buyrate: Hulk Hogan, brother
Chyna with an elbow, elbow, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, into the opposite corner, crappy handspring elbow MISSES when Malenko leaves the corner - "nah, I ain't sellin' that"
And now, in order to make Stephanie look more attractive, here's a shot of Rikishi's giant ass!
Rikishiright, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Test, big boot by Test puts him down. Right, right, right, right right right right right right right, shove for referee "Blind" Teddy Long who's saying "don't you know any OTHER moves?," right, right, right, right, another threatening glance at Long - "all right, here" and he clotheslines him.
Undertaker and Kane are WALKING! Kane reaches behind him - and tosses tobacco to Undertaker. Oh no - Undertaker's HOOKED HIM ON THE DIP!!
Cole proclaims the resulting main event decision "perhaps the greatest main event in the history of SmackDown!" Methings *somebody's* catching Schiavone's syndrome...
Nor would I consider a smartass retort to *Vince McMahon* claiming to the media that "Dick Butkus is the personifaction of the XFL." That'd be like Rick Scaia telling you that I'M the personification of the Online Onslaught.
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. AL SNOW (with Head) - say it with me: WHEN HEAD CHEESE COLLIDES!
Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas decides to go ahead and ring the bell on the assumption that somebody will eventually end up in the ring.
Albert put in the corner - Matt on all fours to boost Jeff into a heel kick right on the chin. The Hardyz may call it Poetry in Motion, but I don't.
STEVEN RICHARDS is out with - and thanks to a suggestion in email, I'll give in and rename him WALL BUCHANAN. (Actually, I got about a hundred emails, all saying the same thing, but if I say I got *one*, then those hundred people each feel more special. See how it works? This is how I'll make it into heaven when I die - touching many lives through deception!)
I don't know, he looks more like a member of Creative Control to me. Oh well, sometimes you gotta run with the crowd.
Boss Man from behind with a forearm, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, damn I think that's a new record.
Angle ends up coming up from behind with a (not) metal wrench! Angle seems to be focusing on Undertaker's knees. Hey, how do they synchronise that cheesy "ping" sound with Angle's wrench swinging? And why do Undertaker's knees sound like they're made of solid metal?
Promo for wwf.com - now the slowest site on the 'Net! How's it go..."if it ain't broke?"
Wait, maybe it goes "if you only have one bumper, don't bother."
Crowd chants "Rocky." Crowd SUCKS.
Dogg rhymes "Blackman" with "Pac Man" - can the title of poet laureate be far behind?
X-Pac actually knows what the "Pilipino fighting sticks" are called, but unfortunately I don't have a clue what he said or how to spell it. Also, I don't care to know, so hold your horses on sending me that email. Actually, if you've read this far, God love ya.
I think the great thing about Blackman as hardcore champion is that we don't have to spend a lot of time jumping the barricade and going all over the building doing comedy shit. Blackman is THE MAN.
When she gets to the bit about "Benoit should be champ - well, you should be champ, but..." you can actually see H think to himself "how come I'm so much better an actor than she is?" Actually, he ponders some flowers on the coffee table, but...
Hey Lita, pull your pants up! Or just rip 'em all the way off, hell.
Stephanie watches all this from the ring...all we need now is that slow realisation that she's alone with Lita and referee "Blind" Mike Chioda...perhaps a McMahon-esque exaggerated gulp...a slow 180 - wait, this is Stephanie, and she can't act. Instead, the bell rings, we get NOTHING from her but a Madden-esque fly-catching mouth, she just turns around and goes down to a clothesline.
Trish and Stephanie walk off arm in arm, presumably for some hot lesbo action behind the curtain (my ratings just went up!)
If Jim Ross were such a defender of the first amendment, he'd ask all of us to please vote Libertarian in the fall, but I'm getting the feeling it's just an act.
The stretcher is rolled out...but 'Taker isn't gonna have any of it. "Just.... let... me...... get.... to.... Beautiful Titan Bike.... and.... drive..... away...." Here's a replay of this - and that. We are told that Undertaker's leg may have been destroyed. That would be a pisser - he's SO OVER.
That big smiling sun on the wall lends a special clash of joyfulness to this rampant violence, don't you think? I think Undertaker's learned his lesson: don't EVER stop to rest near a pile of garbage cans, metallic objects, and cinder blocks that can be broken over your knee. Season's Greetings, Undertaker!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago when Undertaker said "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Sensing a 2000 version of squash on a plat, I hereby declare this match my "I'm too lazy" segment of the night and blink out until the Worm hits.
At this point, we take a good, long look at the phone on Foley's desk - which isn't even plugged in. "It's the little things." I mean that in a *good* way, this time.
Christian kicking and punching away. Punch, kick, punch, tag. Kick, punch, wow the innovation!
JONATHAN COACHMAN stands in the presence of the Rock. If I may paraphrase: "Finally, the Rock...is cookin'."
From Fully Loaded last night, Lita does a series of death-defying, overly twisty, shudder inducing moves.
Kane commits wanton acts of destruction, while he is WALKING!
Dogg says he was totally unaware it was a Hardcore match on Monday - I suppose I should insert a pot joke here, but that's really somebody else's shtick.
Dogg keeps calling Blackman "Kung Fu Grip," which is relatively funny.
The HARDCORE INNOVATOR, ladies and gentlemen. This man is the SHIT.
Cover - 1, 2, 3!!!!!! BLACKMAN GETS A SINGLES VICTORY OVER X-PAC!!! IS HE TRULY THE GREATEST WRESTLER ALIVE OR *WHAT?!?* (5:33) This guy oughta be Champion FOR LIFE. Damn - how can you NOT like this dude?
"Well I'm gonna tell you what I'm about, Commissioner Foley - I am the biggest, nastiest bastard to ever set foot in the WWF, and I am damn proud of it." The music fires up again. You know, I can't help but wonder who Show's *real* father is...
First of many exciting UPN bumpers - oh wait...it's the SAME one...EVERY time. Hey, you think it's EASY coming up with new ways to complain about it every week?
Now BOTH D'Lo & Chaz have lost their last names. Cole tells us the tale of two men who feel that they've been held back - yeah, the Head Bangers were tag team champions of the universe and D'Lo was the Greatest European champion of all time - *clearly* they have every RIGHT to be bitter.
"What's up with that, boy?" Poor D'Lo - he never knows what's up with that.
Are you EXCITED about this team yet? Me, I'm wishing for the return of Well Dunn before I see them compete again.
Moments Ago - "classic misunderstanding" - say, it DOES like he's doin' her in da butt!
Well it's a big beal. Well it's a big into the ropes, well it's a big powerslam. C'mon, you've MISSED this gimmick.
He wants the Show - so the Show will come in. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, okay THAT'S the new record. Kane nearly backhands Chioda for attempting to break up his world record attempt, and he scatters.
Heeeey......is Grand Master Sexay putting the dude in a Sharpshooter? Damn, can't you guys LEAVE BRET ALONE
Who would have thought that in these times, I'd take this situation and say... Ladies and gentlemen, we have a heel turn. That...and Charles Wright just got a lot more interesting...
This would probably make more sense if I took the time to properly explain it - then again, maybe it wouldn't. On the other hand, I have to give Trish credit for making great strides in her nonexistent acting ability...but GOSH she's so SHINY
RAW hits the Georgia Dome Monday - good seats still available (or at least, bad seats).
Terri fondles herself with the belt.
Chris Jericho and Lita are WALKING! Golly what a tiny, tight top! No, silly...on Lita - Jericho's topless
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight as Shakespeare himself couldn't have written a greater tragedy.
MY question is...if he can't reach it NOW, how did that cupcake get there THEN?
Rock spits in his hand - he's ready to KISS THAT RIGHT but Angle has the spit right scouted and DUCKS it! (Are people getting wise to the deadly power of the spit right?)
Angle tries for a gutshot, but Rock catches the foot and executs a DRAGON SCREW LEGWHIP - holy shit! Rock with...a SHARPSHOOTER?!? Did somebody have a bet with him or something?
LAST THURSDAY: When good marriages go bad - when bad actresses act badly - when husbands put their feet in their mouth - when people have anal sex with their clothes on - I wonder if Stephanie's seen the videotape yet - when wrestlers leave the building
Is the Helmsley marriage on shaky ground? Will it survive the night? Will these fans at WWF New York get gouged for a tepid glass of Manhattan tap water? Will the 25,135 in the building get THEIR money's worth? All these questions and so many more will be answered...tonight...on this episode of "SOAP!"
Take a drink every time Jim Ross says "over twenty five thousand."
It's THE NEW MAN and all by his lonesome...although he IS carrying a large bouquet of Eddie Guerrero's red roses. Heeeeeey - maybe he's making a play for Chyna! They BELONG together! They-- oh, sorry. I need to stop doing that tonight. Let's listen.
"Save the ho's!" The mere fact that they've made this into a chant should show ALL of us that they're still listening to the fans.
Coming up, a LIVE report from the Republican National Convention! We can only HOPE that Mr. Bob Backlund is there.
Coming back live, the EMT's check Jeff for signs of consciousness. I think I heard Jeff say "it's all right, I'm like this most of the time"
I wonder...is there REALLY a "Panda Fancy" magazine? And do the pandas really DO pretty pretty dancing?
Let Us Take You Back To Last Week When The Bullet Hits The Bone - sorry, I meant "cinder block."
Hey, if you like to get drunk while watching "Metal," take a drink every time Kevin Kelly says "Shane McMahon's Friendly Alliance."
Angle is announced as hailing from "Pittsburg, Philadelphia" by resident flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA.
Moments Ago - it ain't any better the second time - maybe she's just on the rag or something - ohhh sorry I didn't mean that
MICHAEL KING COLE reports LIVE from the Republican National Convention in Philadelphia, where Linda McMahon is sending a message - World Wrestling Federation fans will select the next president of the United States! Sorta makes you fear for the republic, doesn't it?
"This November, these fourteen million World Wrestling Federation fans will elect the next president of the United States. Will they elect you?" Well, they won't elect ME - I'm not 35 yet. Oh, and I wasn't born in the country. Other than that...
Cole reports from the RNC once again - the WWF initiative to register voters is "non-partisan," he says. Wink wink.
LIVE from Philadelphia, Michael Cole stands with LINDA McMAHON. She's been pressing the flesh like a good CEO all night. Cole, of course, neglects to ask her how the "genetic jackhammer" is doing.
Before the match can officially get underway, Shane gets involved, then KING KURT ANGLE, then CHRIS BENOIT (who actually has to sell a chokeslam - poor man), then THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ, with chairs...how do you spell "lazy booking?" C-L-U-S-T-E-R-F-asterisk-C-K.
Hey, I think they just screwed us out of this match! What? You didn't want to see this match in the FIRST place? Well.....that's no excuse!
THE NEW MAN & TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL v. LITA and LA ROCA - H makes a show out of not wanting her anywhere near him - but you can just *tell* that he's thinking "damn, man...that's a great hat she's wearing."
Post-match, Rock chairs H - who just *happens* to fall into the ol' "69" position with Stratus. (Ask your parents.)
Highlight package from Monday - if YOU need highlights, go find that RAW report - I'm just gonna lay out for about three minutes
For those of you living in a cave, X-Pac and Road Dogg are engaging in "friendly rivalry" as singles wrestlers, meaning they get to crap up TWICE as many matches as when they're a tag team. Well, maybe I was a bit harsh just now. Sorry.
Head to the buckle again - Hotty starting to no-sell, rubbing his hairdo for strength.
Earlier Today, the ho's led a "Save the Ho's" chant while picketing outside the arena. It would have been funnier if they'd camped out next to the bible dude that always seems to be outside OUR arenas...hell, probably yours too, eh?
Commentators shill "Freedom" - coming this fall on UPN. Will Lawler say EVERY time they hype it "Hey, that looks like The Matrix!?" Of COURSE he will - UPN recycles ad copy like they recycle ad bumpers
Chyna #1, a comic book from Chaos, comes out Saturday. I hear she does a crappy backflip and handspring elbow in THAT, too.
Bally's slogan should be "get the nipples you want."
You know, Terri can do that bit with the fingers behind her head all she wants...and she does...but it *still* doesn't make me think "she-devil." When *I* think "She-Devil," I think Roseanne, Ed Begley, Jr. and Meryl Streep. It's a curse, really.
Terri finally realises that her hair is obscuring her nipples, and brushes it back one time before we cut to
The ho's find another sympathetic crowd to chant "Save the ho's." Lawler takes the opportunity to squeak in extra monosyllablic grunts during EVERY pause.
So, like, eating a Slim Jim before swimming will DROWN you, apparently. Does this make you want to snap into one?
On Tuesday, Mayor Bernard Kincaid announced that Birmingham was named the seventh XFL franchise. Geez, it IS the USFL all over again.
Metacuts makes you The Game - and really, REALLY orange
So, "the Replacements" is all about cheerleaders moving VERY VERY SLOWLY?
Strange that pervert extraordinaire *Lawler* is the one to complain about Lita not pulling her pants up.
Waaaaaait--what the heck is THIS? "Nash Bridges?" Where's my "Walker, Texas Ranger," dammit? WHERE'S MY "WALKER, TEXAS RANGER?!?"
No singing Chuck! No "'cause that's where the Ranger's gonna be!" No...God, it's so sad. No *wonder* I went to sleep instead of watching this show a second time to do the report.
"...but what the Rock is gonna do, is the Rock guarandamntees to whip not one, not two, BOTH your candyasses all over New York City!" [Isn't that two?]
Hey, if you don't want to call him Rikishi Phatu, perhaps you should remove "Rikishi Phatu" from the entrance video, hmmmmm?
Backstage, we see Road Dogg watching on the monitor - he must be toasted, because he makes funny pantomime motions about how big Rikishi's ass is and laughs. Then he scarfs an entire bag of Munchos in three seconds.
Say, how many times did Ross misidentify X-Pac as "Road Dogg" in this match? Hint: once is too many.
Now, of course it looks like the Dudleyz are out to protect their right to beat up women...errr, maybe not.
Wassup" spot for Richards. "D-Von...get the table!" The HO'S hop the barricade at this point to get a better look. You know what would be the coolest right now? If Buh Buh Ray put down Richards and said "no no no...I want to powerbomb that ho at ringside!" Of course, they're faces now, so they can't do that. Sigh.
Before the match even begins, Venis pulls Guerrero out of the ring and PILEDRIVES HIM ON THE FLOOR! Guerrero sells it like it was hot death on a stick and doesn't budge. That might be the ONLY good thing to come out of banning piledrivers - people can actually sell them like they were meant to be sold. 'Course, I still think the ban is totally lame, but THAT was pretty cool.
Shane takes Rock down from behind with a flying wedidn'tseeit.
Now some pyro goes off - looks like CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is back, and just in the nick of time - Ross: "THAT'S CHRIS BENOIT!!" Michael Cole: "Can you BELIEVE they still let this guy call this show?"
Moments Ago - another angle of Jericho appearing - if he REALLY wanted to get the surprise entrance, he'd have not had his pyro and music go off - but that's just me.
You know what's fun? Count how many times you can hear Tazz audibly inhale while he's screaming.
Undertaker ducks the Show's right hand, then goes back to the rapid-fire body blows. He stole that from Yun Yang, you know.
Hey, who is "SARA" and why is Undertaker wearing a necklace with her name on it? (Wink wink)
Moments Ago - Show may lack conditioning, but he can still fall through some tables.
SummerSlam promo - hey, I thought the Kat and Terri had issues - how come they're all friendly on the beach, huh? HUH? WHERE'S YOUR CONTINUITY *NOW*?!?
Moments Ago - didn't we just DO Moments Ago? Hey, let's have a replay of the replay! BOLD INNOVATIVE TELEVISION
Hey, didja hear that the Rock was at the Republican National Convention? He also sat in front of President and Mrs. Bush - damn, he gets better seats than the former president? Still, it would have been funny if he'd said "suck it."
Ross proclaims Jericho's injury "near career-threating," which would explain why he's back after a whole ten days.
COMMISSIONER McFOLEY is immediately out to not wrestle.
Triple H tells us that Metacuts makes you the Orange. Save 70%? Damn, that's some sorta markup!
Did the WWF buy up all the old Washington Capitals hockey jerseys and turn them into "Y2J" jerseys?
1, 2, 3. Somebody must have held X-Pac's stash hostage. "You want this weed back? You go out there and job in a singles match!" And it's all good - Rikishi with the duke. (3:50)
Snow and the Kat are teaming up, because - well, because Al Snow and the Kat are...they...well, shoot, I have NO IDEA why they're teaming up. I guess they didn't have anything better to do with 'em tonight.
Hey, I was at Walgreen's the other night and saw the Masterlock in special WCW Saturn blister pak. You forget how SCARY Saturn looked when he had them white contacts in. He should consider going back to that look. Then he could punk out Lawler every time he says "puppies" in the five octaves high voice. Then he could turn on Terri and break her fingers so she never does that "horny little she-devil" thing again.
As the Dudley Boyz enter, Real-time Cole says "over 17,891" (now THERE'S a round estimate) are in attendance before post-production Cole ticks off some upcoming dates, then laying out for real-time Cole to come back in.
"Who's the man?" Well, *Vader's* the man, thanks for asking.
Jeff Hardy will be back in action this Sunday on Heat - PRAISE BE TO GOD.
Edge gets sandwiched by two Hardyz running with ladders - hey, that's dangerous! ("No, that's running with SCISSORS." "Oh. Sorry.")
Moments Ago - what, you weren't watching? Well, you don't DESERVE this replay. Well, here it is anyway.
Man, it would have been funny for Cole to start going "yeah...you know, that makes sense," and by the end of the segment, he'd have been brainwashed. Of course, that would mean that Cole would have to display PERSONALITY, and we all know how they love to let him do THAT. I guess it'll be left to Howard Finkel to take that job, right?
If you're not imaging this being said with a valley girl accent, then it's not as unintentionally funny as it COULD be - try again. Golly, those hookers have hearts of gold, don't they?
Undertaker just did a lot of different consecutive moves, isn't that CRAZY? Off the ropes, clothesline. Sidewalk slam. MR. MOVESET!
Turning around to Angle, Rock punches him and serves him up to the 'taker - it's time to take the Last Ride. Or, as I like to call it, the Last Wedgie. 1, 2, 3. (7:32)
TONIGHT: From Hyatte Arena, another wacky night of a show that can coast until the competition forces otherwise. Kurt Angle, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, Triple H, the Rock - all we have to do is SAY THE NAMES and you'll come running like a faithful dog. That's right, you're a DOG. A DOG
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, Because On This Show We Play EVERYTHING Twice
Edge stomps away on Matt...then delivers him to Christian, who puts Hardy into a Tomokaze on the STEEL chair. Commentators fail to mention that this is the same move that broke his nose earlier this year, but I guess that's why I'm here.
Take a drink every time Shane says "Chill out" and you'll be in a coma
What the hell was THAT about?
And now the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! It burns MONEY!
Crash has a new career, by the way, involving coming out for matches and then not competing.
Double clothesline for Rikishi. Guess they're okay....DOUBLE VULCAN NECK PINCH! That might be the COOLEST thing they've done ALL YEAR.
Michael King Cole stands with LINDA McMAHON from the Democratic National Convention. She announces that the WWF has registered over ten thousand voters in the past week. And at least a third of them are legitimate!!
Inside, AL SNOW & HEAD kill some time - yuk yuk, he paid some guy off to say that his favourite WWF superstar is Al Snow - yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk - hey, folks, these are the yuks
Hey, has Scherer ever rhetorically asked "Who sweats more - Shane McMahon or Whitney Houston?" That sounds like something I'd have to steal from him.
You know, Triple H is selling ENTIRELY TOO MUCH in this match - it's almost like he'll be turned face soon so we can forget all about how much his ass is getting kicked right now!
This'll probably bring out COMMISSIONER McFOLEY - well God DAMN this is some predictable sumbitch we're watching, ain't it? I can't BELIEVE this is kicking the WCW's ASS every week! Clearly the American viewing public are MORONS!
Sheesh, Kat's got crack AND a wedgie - are we sure this is UPN?
Terri with a single leg backtrip and they're assuming the position again. Rolling about. That's it, I'm gonna go masturbate. You stay there 'til I get back.
As he turns to deal with her, Saturn tries the sneak attack - that dude must have eyes in the back of his ass.
Stephanie talks to ... herself? The cameraman? The millions of viewers?
I should note that Triple H has a giant shit-eatin' grin during this whole exchange.
Here's one more look at those TV Guide covers that have Heat reporters all over WrestleLine spankin' it
Meanwhile, Blackman has an arm on Benoit - 1, 2, 3. My MAN has a victory over Chris Benoit and you CAN'T take that away from him. (4:53)
It's *truly* heroic how referee "Blind" Jim Korderas can somehow manage to miss out on ALL this action.
Let me lay out for a minute and see if I understand this. The commentators disapprove of Buchanan's right to free speech AND the way he raises his daugheters? Weren't they all high and mighty with "I'll raise my family the way *I* see fit" not just a short week ago? And worst of all...will any of those WCW idiots who always complain about my bias notice I just poked a major hole in a WWF storyline without me making a big production out of it? Too late, baby! Ask for CRZ by NAME!
From RAW last Monday, Kane inexplicably turned on his brother in something that Vince Russo was probably planning ten months ago.
Another boot and Undertaker goes outside. He borrowed that jacket from Viscera, you know.
Kane sure got not retarded pretty quickly, didn't he?
Nice to see Rock is back to never accomplishing anything with an Irish whip.
We look at LARRY KING, who mentions for the second time in a minute that Jerry Lawler isn't there - gee, I wonder if it's an angle. Maybe Ross will mention it again in a minute or so and beat me over the head with it.
"Louisiana - the state that is shaped like a boot." Crowd swells in anticipation of Rock turning it sideways.
Chyna hawks Stacker 2 - take it and maybe she'll find YOUR brain stimulating. But not likely.
Bradshaw stars on "the Huntress" Wednesday on USA! He'll make a TV JOB to him!
Moments Ago - Lawler shoves some boxes onto Tazz - lookit his manly bosom wiggle as he jumps to the floor! Oops...sorry, King
Backstage, Val Venis and Trish Stratus are WALKING! Stratus asks again why they've got a match tonight - Val runs down their match on Sunday, focusin on experience...who's got it...and who hasn't. She falls into the latter category. That's why. Got it? Trish says "of course not - I'm a blonde!"
Ivory says "please look at my ass!" so I indulge her - but only this one time.
Shane, Stephanie, Triple H and Kurt Angle talk about whose match is most important tonight - go figure, they've all got different opinions. They break off into discussion groups...
Stratus covers - 1, 2, Crash gets a handful of crotch as he presses her off with authority (you go, Crash)
Slugfest erupts. I COULD type "right" over and over, but with no Rock match tonight, perhaps I can avoid that.
Referee "Blind" Teddy Long is already telling him not to use that chair lest he feel the wrath of his mighty DQ - Kane says "we've got to sell this PPV *somehow*" and WHACKS him on the coconut anyway. (DQ 1:13)
Chyna sells Stacker 2 - again. "The truth is - I like brains AND brawn." So...how does Stacker 2 make you smarter again?
You and I are just killing time until the CHRIS BENOIT run-in (DQ 1:56) but I *will* mention Saturn's rather nifty Argentine rack inverted powerbomb even while ignoring the rest of the "action."
Let Us Take You Back to During the Break where Kat was showing off her TV Guide cover to the fans at WWF New York, when all of a sudden Terri unleashed a heinous attack, culminating in her version of a stinkface ("it smells like fish, but it tastes like chicken!") - it was SO devastating that Kat's black wig fell off
Now THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ are out with a table...geez, I gotta stop doing blow-by-blow until I've had a chance to fast forward to the end and check for run-ins. (DQ 3:47)
Lita starts off with a double leg takedown and throws some TERRIBLE punches, or elbows - shit, I don't know WHAT they were - that's how TERRIBLE they were.
But it's not Lita, it's not Foley, it's KING KURT ANGLE, obviously out here to show off his red warmup pants.
Damn, is THE NEW MAN trying to knock down a wall with his forehead or what? I haven't seen that kind of power walking since Jonathan Frakes on TNG (hey Scaia).
So, if I rip out that cigarette ad, and I find out later that the rest of an article I REALLY wanted to read was on the other side, can I sue thetruth.com? No, because if I ACTUALLY ripped pages out of my magazines, I'd be AN IDIOT and I'd DESERVE to not get to finish the article
Backstage, Guerrero tells Chyna they're gonna kick some T&A tonight. Chyna might be looking ahead to Sunday, though - she wants some o' Trish. Reminding us that the winner of the fall ALSO gets the Intercontinental title, each person takes a turn telling the other that they'd really like THEM to win the title. So unselfish! So ... PHONY. Come ON. All this mushy shit'll KILLYA.
Blackman's music plays while he stuffs them in his pants. Hey, is that a deadly weapon of the martial arts in your pants, or are you happy to see me?
"During the Break," the EMT's try to attend to Ross' glass in the eye - you can almost hear Cole wonder aloud if maybe *he* could get that cushy PPV PBP assignment if Ross is blinded - what a greedy, greedy man.
Soupbone for you, soupbone for you, back to you with a soupbone, you thrown through the ropes, and if you need to know which man is which, you probably should have just watched the show and saved me the trouble.
Lawler will be on Radio WWF to talk about charity softball and Michael Bolton - what BETTER way is there to spend Saturday night, I ask you?
Want a pair of Rock sunglasses? Send a copy of your cable bill to this address and get on the mailing list from hell!
Hey, here's a couple NEW ORLEANS SAINTS in the front row even as we speak - not worthy of actually being *named*, but there they is nonetheless.
So, on WrestleLine, you can say "oral" but you can't say "blowjob." Isn't that FASCINATING? That's probably why they keep taking out me saying "WrestleLine can BLOW ME"
That reminds me...all of you who emailed me the queer definition of "shrimping" need to keep your smut peddling to yourselves, if you know what I mean. Mick's happily married with children, fer cryin' out loud!
Oh boy, the scary lookin' talking greyhound is back
What the heck *is* that stuck to Chyna's shoe - piece o' weave or something?
Guerrero tries to get in some licks on the outside, but Venis recovers quickly (Adam West: "A little...TOO quickly")
Damn, he got jealous QUICK. They walk off, and H asks (rhetorically?) "Has everybody lost their mind around here?"
Moments Ago, one paragraph ago - ohhh, I see, it's his ETHNIC LATIN TEMPER
Play the Hardyz' music! They're guaranteed to be gettin' some poon tonight!
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh...and SummerSlam stills...and RAW credits) v. TAZZZZZZZZ - Champ comes out first because HE'S THE MAFUKKIN MAN - hey, you can call it a stuntman spot (and you probably did...didn't you), but it was STILL a "holy shit" moment and in this day and age, you don't say "holy shit" too much and it's STILL cool when you do. PLUS we got to hear Blackman's ENTIRE theme after the match! Yeah!
Blackman's outside. "Here catch this garbage can." "Okay - why?" "So I can kick the can!" (All dialogue may not have actually happened.)
Ya know, the only thing this segment was missing was a BLACKMAN'S ELBOW
Come to think of it, I suppose I should mention that as much fun as it is to see Tazz repeatedly job out to Lawler, you just KNOW that eventually Tazz has got to KILL him down the road...or, he could end up in Public Enemy land
Dragging her into position for the scary moonsault - which hits right around the pelvis. Of COURSE that'll keep her shoulders down for the 3, silly! (3:33)
*Please* stay awake! Rock will come out in the next quarter hour! Just hold on, baby! Here's some ass for you to look at! Hmm, I'm SURE I've seen this match somewhere before...
Snow reversed the armbar...hell, I don't know what THAT is, either. Let's call it a "chickenwing fireman's carry" and remind me to send Saturn and the Snowman a bonus for not mailing it in this late in the show.
Both men slow to get up - they trade punches as a ruckus comes up from the crowd - it's...it's MIDE-I-E-I-ON? A thunderclap greets us as he comes into the ring wearing a...umm...jock strap... with fur on it. He does a bit of "RAW boy" dancing and then takes off through the crowd. Snow gives us a "bleah" reaction as Lawler's voice goes three octaves higher - huh, I thought he only reacted that way to chicks. Now I gotta WONDER about him.
Doan proclaims her legal, so Saturn immediately clamps on the Rings of Saturn and you know Kat is quick to give it up - actually, in retrospect, that was an unfortunate choice of words. (4:22)
Selected highlights of this Lugz ad: "Aight...word up...c'mon...ha ha ha..."
You know, that Kevin Kelly's gonna SNAP some day.
Hey, I'm pretty sure *I* heard an opening bell in that "never took place" Undertaker/Kane match last night. One fun thing we DID do during that match was invent crazy stories about how Kane was able to appear completely unburned (we settled on "he's made so much money in the WWF, he's been able to afford ALL kinds of reconstructive surgery - coincidentally, that's ALSO why he's able to speak AND not be mentally retarded anymore") and wonder aloud why Paul Bearer hadn't returned yet. When the mask was removed, we also made several "Hey! That's my dentist!"/"Hey! That's Diesel #2!" comments. Ain't we a kooky bunch, though?
'Taker has to park his bike because he forgot to do that trick where the ring steps magically stand on end so he can drive around. Instead, HE hits the ring, where he delivers a soupbone, Kane right, Undertaker soupbone, Kane right, Undertaker soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, into the ropes is reversed, ducking a clothesline, chokeslam! Hebner apparently misses ALL this because that Kid Rock song probably plays ALL THE TIME during matches without meaning ANYTHING.
That was a very ECW-esque main event, wasn't it?
Hey, wanna have lots of fun at work? Just randomly bust out, as loud and melodious as you can, "IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLL" - do it often, completely at random, and at the most inopportune times. Listen to your coworkers LAUGH and LAUGH....get fired, of course, and you never heard this idear from ME. The reason I bring all this up is that once again, UPN is throwing that SAME TIRED old promo they open up EVERY UPN Thursday with. But let's not get worked up during the first ten seconds of a two hour block, shall we?
"My Time" plays and out walks...ho ho, it's STEPHANIE ONO, hopefully come out to tell us just where the heck she's been recently (and why she didn't stay there, too). She's still got that one look of hers on her puss, anyway. If we're REALLY lucky, she'll put her left hand on her hip - OH MAN! SHE DID IT!
Dogg goes on a bit of a tirade about the RTC try to tell him what he can and can't watch - getting bleeped on "ass" once again in the process.
I have it on good authority that Edge doesn't even know all the words to his theme song! Ask him about it next time you see him.
"Well,after tonight, I guarantee you you'll never wanna step foot in North Carolina again!" Crowd: "He said North Carolina! I wanna DO him!"
Jackie with a - geez! - sidewalk slam that almost turned into paralysis as Lita swung her head back to far just before correcting on the way down - that girl SCARES me.
Coming back, we see MR. HARDY in the front row - hey, that's nice. He ain't no Larry "the Axe," but still...
Hey, I just noticed - in this Crunch 'n Munch ad, Grand Master Sexay has that announcer dude in a *Sharpshooter* - that's GOTTA be some sorta CONTINUATION OF THE GIANT CONSPIRACY AGAINST BRET HART BY VINCE McMAHON AND THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION NOT TO MENTION THE XFL AND OH MY OH MY OH MY
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: PERRY (with Terri) v. AL SNOW (with Head) - Champ enters first because that's how they do it in Europe.
But Terri is up on the apron and holding onto Head. Snow gets up and walks over. He takes Head from Terri and grabs the back of HER head - is he gonna kiss her? No, he's gonna SHOVE HER OFF THE APRON TO THE FLOOR! Go, Snow! Long-distance thong shot, by the way.
1, 2...Long decides to stop counting and see Head in the ring instead. Oh MAN Teddy Long is one LAME ref. "What's this?" Umm, that's Head - you've never seen her before?
Saturn DOES break the hold, and Snow moves into ...the Dragon sleeper! Tony Schiavone: "That's his move!" Saturn TAPS!!! Holy shit! Titles don't change hands on SmackDown! but nonetheless...ladies and gentlemen, we have a new European champion. (5:25)
H starts to break some furniture, almost wiping out the camera. Damn, he should lay off the Metacuts!
Meanwhile, Undertaker is WALKING! Now sitting on his bike, so he won't have to do any more of that walking. That's TIRING!
It bears repeating - when you make the belt MEANINGFUL, sometimes the story can just write itself. Both of these men want a shot at the belt, because holding the belt is the prize they both seek. When you say shit like "the belt's just a prop," give it to David Arquette and threaten to give it to the writer after a War Games match named after said writer - well, it might be "sophisticated," but it doesn't exactly fly with the wrestling fans. But you KNOW how loathe I am to make comparisons between federations.
Moments Ago - Kane ruins the match. Rock runs in. Cole tells us that all four men want the same thing - the WWF title. I gotcher "sophisticated storyline" right HERE, pal.
"Tazz, would you please SHUT THE HELL UP? Ever since you came to the ring and started jabbering on, the mood HAS changed to one of complete and utter boredom - and just to let you know, since you've already challenged and pretty much been beaten senseless by both the King and JR, I just wanted to tell ya that now the ring announcers, the ring crew, the camera guys, the lighting guys, the bell ringer, the timekeeper, the merchandise salesman, and the popcorn salesman in the 17th row wanna piece o' you, too!" (Sounds like all the guys Vampiro has jobbed to, wot?)
But now Faarooq is up on the apron and White is over to chat with him about Friendly Tap pinball machine damage, while behind his back Bradshaw delivers the Clothesline from Keyes, and places Tai on top. White's back around - 1, 2, 3! (Strictly for the 2:09, Modesto)
Stephanie is wearing her "cow" print top - and I think I can see her udders!
No sooner have we passed the 10 hour than "bitch" passes through freely and unbleeped.
Backstage to a shocked Stephanie...walking up behind her is Kurt Angle. She seems oblivious - too bad Stephanie's monitor isn't showing what you and I are watching, hmm?
Moments Ago - what the HELL were you watching that you need a replay of Triple H pinning Test and Stephanie bounding out to ringside? Okay, fine - here's your FREAKIN' replay
Then he dumps a glass of milk over his head (DISRESPECT TO THE BLUE BLAZER! I AM *OUTRAGED!!*)
Hey, you know all the words to that Lugz ad? "Aight - aight - aight - word up - ha ha ha - aight - HEY, SKITTLES!"
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: BIG BOSS MAN v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Q: Hey, how come THIS isn't one of those five main events? A: Keepin' the MAN down.
Having now seen this Chris Jericho Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli ad three or four times, I think I can safely say that it sucks
Dogg manages a flying forearm smash - 1, 2, 3?!? OFF A FLYING FOREARM? That AIN'T El Paseo de Muerte, folks.
JERRY LAWLER and CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. TAZZZZZZZZZZZ and ? - "Real American" plays...could it be? Well, of course it isn't Hogan...*I* was trying to figure out how many titles Patterson had won...but all was revealed - well, THAT was probably a poor choice of words as MOSTLY NEKKID MIDE-I-E-I-ON comes out in tiny black trunks and strikes a Hogan-esque pose. Everyone is a big distracted by this, with the exception of two people - Lawler, who rolls up Tazz in a schoolboy; and referee "Blind" Chad Patton who quickly makes the count before the opening bell rings - 1, 2, 3 - and I think that just MIGHT be some sort of a record. (0:03 - rounding up) Jericho and Lawler enjoy some big-time yuks while Tazz makes various "curses! drat!" melodramatical pantomimes. If only he had a mustache to twirl... Geez, even VAMPIRO doesn't job as fast as Tazz - you have to wonder who he's pissed off to NEVER get a decisive beatdown on Lawler.
I guess if they don't have a #1 Contender by Unforgiven, maybe Rock will just walk out and sing for twenty minutes or so. And it'll STILL do six times as many buys as Fall Brawl, HA HA HA.
AND FINALLY: You haven't LIVED until you've heard Ted Koppel say "Hip Hop: Is there DUTY behind the BOOTY?" on Nightline. You might want to tape it tomorrow night just in case he does it again.
Damn, my life DOES revolve around television. God bless America!
Tazz is reminding me of the ICP on commentary - that's not a *good* comparison, by the way.
Tazz lets us know he hates the Rock - point for Tazz.
Tazz says Benoit is the only guy he has respect for - when he slammed that door on his arm, he opened his eyes and brought him back to the street. Holy crap, between this and picking up the "who ran over Stone Cold" angle, I'm in continuity HEAVEN!
NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX!! for 2. (Or, if you're Cole, "German suplex" - Tazz is quick to correct him - Tazz now rules)
He leaves Chyna in a sobbing heap in a corner. (Warning: sensitive readers may wish to avoid the rest of this paragraph and move on past the next ad break) (Warning: possibly offensive editorialisation follows - skip to the next paragraph if you get offended easily) (Warning: this is the final warning) Bitch got what she deserved!
Some indy worker - I mean "drunk guy" walks up to Faarooq to congratulate him - and HE gets popped. Yeah - FAAROOQ IS THE MAN SO HIT YER KNEES AND START PRAYIN'
Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Test rekindled the smouldering embers of an issue that ... hmm, my metaphor just slipped away there.
Back to the stomping - Chyna turns around and begs him to stop. Eddie *shoves her away.* Eddie's cool. Chyna must be wondering why she left Chris Jericho.
Another look at the graphic of the SmackDown! challenge - hey, didja notice that Jesse Ventura's takes up about half the screen while Bush and Gore get little teeny head shots? That ain't exactly subtle symbolism there...
From his home in Tejas...hey, who's the bald dude with his back to the camera. Is it Goldberg? Jesse Ventura? Daniel Benzali?
Stumbling upon an RC Edge machine, Edge exclaims "Are you kidding me? A soda with MY name on it? Now more than ever, SODAS RULE!" I guess it's only you and I remembering back to when they stood at a soda machine just like this one and wondered aloud when the Christian soda was coming out.
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: IF YA SMELLLLLL v. EDGE & CHRISTIAN in a handicap match - Champ enters first because he wants the fans to forget Austin as quickly as possible.
Hebner asks them to please try to keep it in the ring, failing to add "hey, what's the bell doing next to Kane's carcass out here?"
This isn't a MILLIONTH as funny as Squeaky Lawler thinks it is.
Hey, *I'll* tell ya who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin. Now, if you don't wanna know, just skip this sentence and head over to the next paragraph, okay? Don't get on MY case when I spoil it for you - I'm giving you EVERY opportunity to pull out without knowing. Okay? It was............... Savio Vega
Crowd wants the table - too bad they don't want *wrestling*
Talk turns to the rapidly degrading relationship between Chyna and Eddie Guerrero. Either I can't shock those of you still reading me anymore, or you all agree with me when I said "bitch got what she deserved."
During the Break, Grand Master Sexay made merry mit der rot food colourin' (like David Hasselhoff, I am big in Germany)
Courtesy: 2000 MTV Video Music Awards - aka, "the crappiest VMA's EVAH" - the Rock was there. Chyna was there, too - wearing an outfit she probably stole from Geri Halliwell - hell, SHE don't need it anymore, right?
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: AL SNOW (mit Kopf) v. TAZZZZZ - well, dammit, Snow went and stole my joke - he's out in full Deutsch mode wearing lederhosen, carrying a string of sausages, wearing a funny hat - as is Head - and *carrying a picture of David Hasselhoff.*
During this ad, Chyna is WALKING! And shilling Stacker 2. Hey, you know what would have been really funny in this ad? If, with all those dudes running off to buy Stacker 2, there'd been some LESBIANS clamoring to buy the stuff as well
Chris Jericho eats Chef Boyardee on a desert island - along with lots of bouncy-breasted women (no, he doesn't eat the women - that's the uncensored version)
Stephanie backs up, into the ring...no, that's not a wall behind you, Steph; that's Albert. Caught between a rock and a hard place, she is. Test grabs her by the hair and puts her in position - hey Test, is this like the good old days for ya?
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. X-PAC NEVER JOBS IN SINGLES MATCHES - EXCEPT OCCASIONALLY TO STEVE BLACKMAN -
Blackman covers - 1, 2, 3!! (3:27) Blackman's got TWO wins over the Man Who Daren't Job - that's why he's the MAN. And if that wasn't enough - "Oh, it's party time" has GOT to be my new favourite catchphrase!
"No, maybe - maybe you don't understand who I am, ese - you're talking to the WWF intercontinental champion, okay?" Geez, that doesn't really carry the credibility that it would if he'd actually walked up wearing the belt, though.
Hotty off the ropes with a bulldog...time shall now stand still while we wait for Scotty's W O R M. Cole: "Steven Richards finds it disgusting - *I* find it funny as hell!" Me: "You're BOTH chumps."
So...like the Slim Jim guy WANTS the kid to drown? Geez, I don't think I'd want to buy food that wants ME to DIE...
Moments Ago, I'm surprised Rikishi didn't just EAT that pepper spray. He *is* a large man
Do you ever worry that Terri's breasts are going to break away and declare their independence?
Tazz is throwing popcorn like he was Rip Taylor with confetti.
But Edge saves him...unfortunately for him, he ALSO shoves him into a tag to Jeff - who leaps to the top and springs off with a corkscrew somersault plancha - Cole says it's called the "whisper in the wind," which I hope the chicks like, 'cause to me it sounds pretty gay. (Hell, maybe the gay guys like it too, then.)
D-Von manages an uppernut on Undertaker - he may be a Dead Man, but it still hurts like hell when you hit him in the balls.
Another big pause. Does Rock forget his lines or something?
Sign: "CHEAP SMARK FACE POPS = PHIL MUSHNICK SUCKS!"
Hey, just in case you were interested, "This program has been produced with the permission of the International Olympic Committee and the consent of the United States Olympic Committee prusuant to the Ted Stevens Olympic and Amateur Sports Act. 36 U.S.C. 220506." See what you have to do to use Olympic footage in your show?
Two more signs while I'm here. "STEPH NEEDS STACKER 2" and "SKINNER FAN CLUB." Okay, that'll do us for now.
Maybe we should call her "Trish Wedgie."
Stephanie has her "I can't believe I got the pin (even though I'm a McMahon and I ALWAYS get the pin)" face on.
Moments Ago, Triple H saved the day, Stephanie got the pin, Kurt got some sugar, and Triple H took exception - gosh, I guess he doesn't *really* believe Angle's gay after all!
"Can you imagine what she's gonna look like in Playboy next Monday?" Ummm, no, I haven't even tried.
Before Rikishi can give him the stinkface, though, Chyna decides she'd better act - crappy elbow! Crappy elbow! Crappy elbow! Crappy elbow!
Ross: "I wonder what Stone Cold would do if he were here right now, King." Me: "Probably tell you that now that he's married Debra, he no longer needs *you* to SUCK HIS DICK, Ross."
I tell you, if Tazz keeps being entertaining, I'm gonna have to - ooh, it makes me so ANGRY that they would try to make him ENTERTAINING! That's *it!* I'm gonna have to start calling him "Pete"
Let Us Take You Back to Survivor Series '99, where a car did something to somebody. I'm hungry.
COMMISSIONER McFOLEY is out again. "Thank you. I know you've seen me out here a lot tonight, and I promise I'm going to be brief. But I had to come out because I feel like we here at the WWF are being ignored. Despite the fact that we have registered eighty thousand new voters - despite the fact that millions of fans watch SmackDown! each and every week - George W. Bush and Al Gore have refused to acknowledge the SmackDown! challenge. So George, Al, what I'm asking you very nicely is to please forget about the special interest groups, forget about the oil money, forget about the entertainment money, and do what's right for this country! If you really care about the United States of America, and you really care about the voters in this country, please - come talk to us on SmackDown! because WWF fans truly are the heart of this country. Have a nice day." Foley's a whore.
WWFVote.com graphic sez: over 80,000 voters registered - how can they be continue to be ignored? Well, let me put it this way - why didn't they extend this kind invitation to Harry Browne, hmmm? Why not REALLY show that you can influence an election by helping to bring out the Libertarian vote, hmmm? Trust me, THEY'D have no problem with allowing the WWF to run events with no drug testing, blood loss for all, and no need for such a thing as a minimum wage - it'd be right up your alley! No, the reason is that the WWF wants to be able to say they had an impact on the election...and you can be DAMN sure they'll say so, no matter WHO wins. That's why they're only backing the two men that they feel sure have a chance of winning. Too bad we can't get enough people to see that there are more choices out there...okay, enough of that.
Stay tuned for Lil' Kim's body parts!
Steve Richards and Tommy Dreamer actually battle over an r.s.p-w Con T-shirt during their match, which is pretty funny. Had Keith taken time to mention this, however, he might have lost the opportunity to make "Tommy Dreamer is fat now" jokes as well as say "Canadian Violence" (despite the absence of Canadians in the match) and THAT could have been a TREMENDOUS tragedy.
I STILL have my ticket stub dipped in blood and I STILL have a piece of table that Sabu broke. Because I am INSANE.
Rock breaks into a Swedish Chef impersonation. This is allegedly funny, according to the crowd.
"Now, Mick, if you need even further clarification, let the Rock tell you in Chinese." Rock gets extremely racist. Boy, how about that Guerrera/Mysterio match on Thunder, huh?
"And of everybody here, I'm looking around this ring, of everybody here there's really nobody closer to a woman than say...Kurt Angle. Kurt, you can try to hide it - you can try to hide it, but ...it's true, it's true." Geez, what does that say when H ignores all the "real" women of the WWF at ringside to allude to Angle? I'm not sure that says more about the women...or Triple H.
They air a vintage 1990-ish video of Matt Hardy (as High Voltage) and Jeff Hardy (as Wolverine) cutting promos. Matt looks a lot like the ham'n'egger I used to make fun of for wearing "HV" tights in his squash matches six years ago on RAW.
It's a shot of Matt doing some dancing. "A relishing round of indifference!" Edge & Christian approach the wall where the video is airing and start dancing with him. I can't put into words how funny, yet bizarre this is. Five years from now somebody will probably do this with my 1995 public access appearances.
Wow, that new TNN logo is kinda lame, ain't it? I think they stole it from KTEH. Maybe KTEH can sue Viacom and make enough money to cancel a few years' worth of pledge breaks. Hey, that's a pretty damn good idea - somebody take a letter for me
Chyna shills Stacker 2 - it makes you want to pose nude for Playboy
Snow wields the mighty pinata and that's how it starts. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas fails to pocket any of the sweets, instead kicking them out of the ring while Snow gets to stomping and punching.
Throwing a garbage can to Kai - of course, he catches it so Blackman can superkick the can into his face. Lawler: "Why do they always catch the can?"
Blackman takes off while Snow wonders just where his life went wrong.
Thanks to WWFvote.com, 90,000 new voters have been registered - some of them might even vote!
Hey, look, it's SKIPPY (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box &
Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda calls for the bell. Of COURSE X-Pac didn't job! You're not SURPRISED, are you? (DQ 2:52)
Moments Ago, Eddie beat up a defenseless potted plant.
Ross says he's seen an advance copy of Playboy and Chyna is "unreal," which seems a typical *careful* choice of words for Good Ol', naah mean?
"Don't treat me like a woman!" goes the song. Well, Eddie's giving her what she WANTS. RIGHT?!?
NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! Go figure - Faarooq has rhythm and Bradshaw does not.
H kicks Angle backwards with both feet and AGAIN he hits the turnbuckle hard. Angle drops down for the ol' "headbutt in the graun" spot and H is starting to believe his own rumours, for he catches Angle's head approaching his short hairs and quickly backs off, frightened. Crowd takes delight as shivers run through Helmsley's body.
Rock magically recovers and HE'S back to right, right, right, right, Kane uppercut, right, into the ropes, reversed, spinebuster. Benoit in with a clothesline, as if to say "THAT'S what you get for performing a *wrestling move!*"
Right hand by Angle, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, hmmm, Angle must have learned this from Rock. ANOTHER right. Into the ropes, Rock reverses and hits an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. See where Angle went wrong? He strayed from the punches and attempted an Irish whip into the ropes. Don't make me pull out a chalkboard here, folks.
I think H WANTS them to reverse the whip - if he actually succeeded in it, I don't think he'd know what to do!
Austin hits all four corners without stumbling, so he must not have started drinking tonight.
"Well, due to the fact that Shane and Stephanie both turned out to be complete jackasses, I hope for the sake of the human race that sumbitch (beep) blanks." Steve Austin: faster than the bleep
I think Austin's asking himself if people constantly had entrances when he was doing this ten months ago.
Remind me to stop transcribing ENTIRE segments.
Hey, time for more ads! Gotta make up for those twenty-minute segments SOMEWHERE. Hey, you wanna hear something clever I just realised? You know how the opening quarter hour always gets, like, the LOWEST ratings of the show for RAW? You know why that's really GENIUS? *No ads in the opening quarter hour!* They WANT it to be the lowest rated quarter hour! There's no MONEY in that quarter hour! Ha! Chew on THAT, business majors!
Last Night, one of the "Wassup" guys delivered Budweiser to the APA and the Dudleyz. I AM OUTRAGED THAT THE WWF WANTS UNDERAGED CHILDREN TO DRINK BEER
Did you hear last night at the pay-per-view that the ring introductions had Tazz outweighing Lawler by 25 pounds? Har, har. I don't think so.
Edge meets Matt under the ladder and they start punching (hey, that's bad luck!)
Edge WITH A SPEAR FROM TEN FEET UP on Jeff, who falls to the mat. HOLY shit.
Whew, a local spot saves me from seeing that muscle car guy make lip noises again
The wwfvote.com tally is over 100,000 - Ross and Lawler whine about big bad Bush and Gore ignorning them - hypocritically, the WWF is ignoring Browne and Nader, who would be quite happy for the time.
"And I would like to say a special thanks to me, myself and I because I worked my ass off to get here and I am gonna show it in Playboy magazine!" What a slut. She didn't even mention Eddie Guerrero!
Trish buries the medal deep in her pushed up cleavage. "So, Kurt, this looks good, right?" Angle finally takes his nose out of the paper and immediately goes through puberty.
"What do I like about the Dukes of Hazzard?" Definitely not the IDIOTS who tell me what they like about the Dukes of Hazzard OVER AND OVER AND OVER
Can you just *imagine* X-Pac and Jericho planning this thing out? "Okay, listen - I'll *job* to you on the pay-per-view, but you've GOT to give me the win back the next night on RAW, where a whole lot more people will be watching." "Umm...well, if I get a win, okay." "Oh, by the way, we're gonna book it as a First Blood match." "...the hell?" "Don't worry, you won't have to be pinned!" Anyway, two rules have been satisfied with this outcome - X-Pac never jobs in singles matches, and New Tights = Victory.
Jericho *does* finally let go of the hold, and climb back to the apron for a victory pose...wearing the *crimson mask* - you know, it's great that they're trying to sell us that Jericho won the war while losing the battle...but still, I mean, this is FREAKIN' X-Pac here. That dude needs about ten or twenty consecutive singles losses. Give half of 'em to Jericho while we're in fantasyland. ("Maybe they just let X-Pac win all the time so it's EXTRA sweet when he actually loses. Did you ever think of that?" "Yeah, I thought of that. I thought that that SUCKED. Besides, he TOTALLY blew kayfabe and deserves a several year suspension!" "Criminy, you need to chill out.")
Damn, THIS segment was even shorter than that other one I was bitching about. Not that I wanted a LONGER interview from the Rock. Hey, was Rock's delivery like "hey, Austin's back - I better step up and quick?"
Time now to check out some Chyna photos - with strategically placed "PLAYBOY" ribbons. I dunno, I'm STILL not in a hurry to go get myself a copy. Maybe there's something WRONG with me. The musical accompaniment, a ripoff of "Foolish Game," reminds me of those old "viewer discretion is advised" spots of Sunny shootin' some stick in lingerie, since it's the same background music. Whatever happened to Sunny, anyway? Oh right....the crack
Everybody call 888-POP-1090 and tell them to KILL that muscle car dude. NOW.
AHHHHHHHHHHH TIM SARATOGA ROCK TNN MUST KILL ALL WE'VE GOT POP
AHHHHHHHHHHH DUKES OF HAZZARD FANS ARE IDIOTS
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS BENOIT (with Skippy) v. IF YA SMELLLLLLLLL - Hey, somebody remembered that Shane McMahon was joined at Benoit's hip prior to his injury! Oh, wait - that was ME! Give me a gold star!
Ross says "this is martial law out here" but fails to add "with SAMMO" and "only on TNN!"
Benoit leaves Rock alone to play moderator. "Hey - hey what are you doing? This is Stephanie McMahon! What the hell are you doing?" Then BENOIT HEADBUTTS HER STRAIGHT TO HELL! HA HAAAAAAAA BENOIT IS THE COOLEST EVER
Now, for no apparent reason other than segues can be REALLY hard to write, so why bother...out comes CHRIS BENOIT.
Check out Rock, Foley and Chyna posing for a literacy poster. Sometimes, the jokes just write themselves.
Blackman with a stick display while Dogg craps his pants.
"First of all, Trish - your mammary glands don't impress me." [A confused Trish massages her adenoids]
Raven's got some unimpressive music, that same jacket, and a FUGLY handlebar mustache - that reminds me, where's Saturn? Doesn't he need to drop Terri and get back into the whole gay bondage thing he has going with Raven?
Kane and Rikishi engage in a staring contest as Lawler says "mammary" for the millionth time. Man, NOBODY can make a aside feel more worn-out SO quickly than Lawler. Grrrr.
Chyna strikes a blow for womanhood. By posing NEKKID! Help me out here - Chyna wants to be DIFFERENT from all the OTHER women in the WWF....but she's got no problems engaging in the very T&A she'd made such a big deal to avoid?
Before Lawler can make one of his "my dick's so hard I can't POSSIBLY stand up" jokes, we cut to the ad break *just* in time.
Sign in crowd: "HEY VINCE - JERICHO ISN'T A MIDCARDER" Vince: "Jericho's *whatever* I SAY he is! Growl!"
Lawler says "bra and panties" 719 times.
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: AL SNOW (France) v. X-PAC NEVER JOBS EXCEPT TO PEOPLE NOT IN HIS MATCH - Oh, I *hope* somebody writes to the Torch and tells them that "tete" is French for Head! OUI! The thing that boggles my mind is that people need this TOLD to them DESPITE the fact that they actually *spell it out for you* on the OvalTron - EVERY TIME! Okay, okay, people are stupid, I need to accept that. Oy.
Cole: "You know I've checked with the respective embassies, and none of them know anything about Al Snow representing their countries, by the way." MICHAEL COLE, INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER
Foley gets up and looks to the entryway wielding his chair...which of course means that STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN enters through the crowd instead. Kick, Stunner for X-Pac. Kick, Stunner for Snow. Kick, Stunner for referee "Blind" Mike Chioda. Okay, NOW I think I'm remembering why I *shouldn't* be missing him.
Hey, Benoit's headbutt of Stephanie looks just like every Big Show headbutt as described by Herb Kunze EVER ("headbutts his own hand").
Angle put into the ropes, reversed, head down, facebuster. 1, 2, Benoit breaks it up. If you ever wrestle Triple H, LET HIM WHIP YOU. If you reverse it, he's got all these other moves, but if you actually let him finish the whip, he'll be so surprised that he'll have NO idea what to do!
I have *one* problem with Heat. ("Only one?" "Well, THIS week.") This is FREAKIN' MTV here - you telling me that NOBODY can say "ass?" THE WHOLE BLINKIN' HOUR they ran promos for "Jackass" and they didn't airbrush THAT out - come on, GET WITH THE PROGRAM
The Champ is ready to talk....no, wait. First, the "Rock E" chant. Okay, NOW he's ready...no, he's just going to hold the mic to his lips, then wait for another chant. Oh man, it's gonna be one of THOSE nights.
Oh, bloody hell, now they're giving an entrance to RIKASHMONEY? Michael Cole: "Stop the pain, King!" Me: "Oh, that was in my head." Lawler: "Somebody play my music, I wanna go up and demand a title shot!" Me: "Whoa! Lawler actually SAID that out loud!"
Hit his music. IF YA SMELLLLL HOW THE WWF SUCKS
I'll let you in on a secret. THIS segment is the reason your RAW report is a day late. When I saw this segment Monday night, it just sapped all the strength from me, and I ended up blowing off the RAW report for sleep. You shouldn't need ME to tell you that TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES IS TOO FUCKING LONG. Please, if you've never taken *anything* I've said to heart, read this: I AM NOT PRIMARILY WATCHING THIS SHOW TO SEE PEOPLE TALK. If they want to continue to sacrifice the opening quarter hour ratings, I'm going to start recapping during the SECOND quarter hour and you can find some other sucker to sit through the fifteen minutes of yakkking with a keyboard. Hell, I STILL would have to do ten minutes, wouldn't I. Yarrrgh. WHERE'S THE DAMN WRESTLING, KING?
Champs enter first because the WWF is trying to turn me against them. Which channel is that "Women of Wrestling" show on again?
Hey Austin, anything less would be uncivilised! Pit stains aren't hidden by a black T-shirt, buddy!
Without further ado, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN comes out here. BY THE WAY, I turned on the Closed Captioning last night in the hopes of gleaning some knowledge of the words to the Disturbed theme - oh man was THAT a hopeless, futile effort. The CC guy just pretty much gave up completely, hitting about one phrase out of five. I got "step off" and "living inside you" and that's about it.
EVERYONE in this TNN promo is gay. Especially THAT guy.
Moments Ago - hey, the one good thing about all these talky segments is we haven't had too many "Moments Ago" clips.
I fully expect Steve Austin to run out and ruin this match, so I think I'll just lay out and watch this. But first, let me ask you - if this is a "triple threat" match, why doesn't Edge or Christian just lay down for Christian or Edge? Whoops, Blackman just pinned Christian off a Van Daminator kick to the chair near the head. No run-in. My bad. (3:17)
Eddie better leave...nope, gutshot, Stunner. Well, NOW I'm getting tired of him. Play his music! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Austin toasts Chyna - who giggles. Wow, she must really LUV her fiancee. Beer! Beer! Beer!
Have you noticed that the APA haven't TOUCHED a beer since Austin came back? Clearly, he's HOLDING DOWN THE BROTHAS.
NOOOOOOOO TNN REPEATS THE GAY AD WITH THE GAY PEOPLE GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY
THE NEW MAN [Tri-PLAY AH-chay] (with 110,000 voters registered and Presto, who brings you WWF No Mercy from the Pepsi Arena in Albany, NY on the 21st!) v. REY KURT ANGLE sur la primero contendra (man, I need Hector, my offical translator - where are ya, Hector?) - looks like I'll have to wait until later to bust out "El Perro Del Camino" (which Cabrera & Savinovich *actually use* on Telemundo's "Federacion de Luche Libre del Mundial" - I swear, if I just keep watching, I'll teach MYSELF Espanol - "yo no soy marinero / soy capitan / soy capitan, soy capitan")
Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner tells him to bring it in, and in they go. Angle manages to hoist H over to the corner and repeatedly ram his shoulder into the "please hit here" sign H has created out of tape around his ribs.
Now H removes the tape...oh, guess he was playing possum with that injury! Now I have to take THAT back, too. *These guys are making me look bad!*
Kurt Angle is YOUR #1 Contender! (8:22) Okay, he's MINE, too.
All right, let's pour another cup of tea (why can't they put caffeine AND ginseng in the same bag? Do you know how much I have to pee drinking TWICE as much tea?)
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Hardcore Holly* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: AL SNOW (with Head) v. X-PAC - Champion enters first because he's decked out in European costumery - this week, Snow is from Transylvania, decked out in Gangrel gear and cape, Head with fangs and a black pompadour (with widow's peak), tossing Count Chocula to the crowd (now THAT'S funny!!), and carrying a photo of Eddie Munster.
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Edge* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
In case you missed it, Let Us Once Again Take A Special Video Look At the WWF On Capitol Hill. "To the vice-president, Al Gore, and to George W. Bush, the Rock says his patience is running a little thin. In the event that you decide NOT to come to SmackDown! and turn your back on the youth of America, then the Rock says he'll in turn tell 14 million eligible voters that you simply don't care." Umm...and then what? He'll tell them not to vote? He'll tell them to vote for Harry Browne? WHAT? Besides, that "14 million" is what I would call "fuzzy math" - ask Phil Mushnick how many of those millions aren't voting age, and ask 1Bob Ryder how they're using their magic calculator to double and triple count viewers. They'll be HAPPY to tell you!
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Scotty 2 Hotty* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Buh-Buh Ray back in - double clothesline - HE'S got the bell - bell shot for Tazz - bell shot for Raven - Patton actually sees THAT one and calls for the bell...of course, with no bell...well, it's still a disqualification. (DQ 3:03 Acid)
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Rikishi* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
COMMISSIONER McFOLEY comes out...with EIGHT COPS AND/OR MCW WORKERS.
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Mr. Perfect* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Edge flips out - his double clothesline misses, and there's a double atomic drop. Owww. Edge holds his crotch and hops up and down - Too Cool decide that that should be a new, hot dance move and THEY start doing it.
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Bobby "the Brain" Heenan* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Blackman gives a stick demonstration while Albert looks at his signs... and suddenly feels inferior.
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Owen Hart* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
In case you missed it Monday, Let Us Take A Special Video Look at Chyna's Media Sweep. Somehow, I've completely managed to avoid seeing her spread - I mean, her nekkid pictures.
For some reason, they play Triple H's music...I guess, 'cause he's the face. What? Maybe they told him "if you bleed, we'll play your music!"
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Johnny Grunge* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Our commentators talk about Triple H's bad night. He's been taken to the hospital. Ready for the punchline? He apparently wasn't booked to do anything tonight, and he should have just stayed home!!
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Brian Knobbs* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Lawler spends just *a bit more* than enough time bringing up Kane's sudden gift of gab, "transformation," and "I wonder who's influencing Kane" to make me wonder if a possible storyline is in the pipeline...maybe one involving Paul Bearer?
SmackDown! Highlight Reel includes RAW highlights - how many times can you reheat something before it stops tasting like food?
Here comes COMMISSIONER McFOLEY for 38 minutes or so.
"I bring to you tonight...Mister SHAWN MICHAELS!" Well lookee here, it's Mr. Whyspyr in the flesh...himself, tight pants, black cowboy hat, sleeveless shirt unbuttoned to the navel - sure, he's got a wife and a kid, but LOOK at him.
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Viscera* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Lita with an uppernut - too preoccupied with the hardware, apparently. Wait, Jackie's got no nuts! (upperovary?)
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Dustin Runnels* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
TNN allegedly has pop. I know you know, but did you know that I know you know?
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Sycho Sid* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
RAVEN v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - this is apparently not a hardcore match, despite the fact that ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA mistakenly identifies the match as a hardcore title match. Makes sense - I mean, we already HAD a hardcore match tonight, right? Ross overcompensates by saying "nontitle" fifteen times. Hey, Ross, we don't correct YOU like that.
Blackman with It's Party Time! One final stick shot for good measure puts Raven out. Play his music again! Hey, his music best be on the next WWF theme music CD or I'm not buying it. (I'll probably get it free either way, mind you, but it's the PRINCIPLE of the thing)
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Ric Flair* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
1, 2, is this on? Heh! Yo Jimmy, hit me with that Triple H shhhhhhhhhhhhhh....see, they won't actually SAY "shit" but they'll IMPLY it. Somebody cut'n'paste this and send it to The Rick for me. (I call him "The")
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *B.B.* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Meanwhile, Triple H is WALKING! Check out the guy with the light behind the cameraman - he seems to REALLY be having problems not tripping.
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Skip Stephenson* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) v. LO DOWN - Lo Down fighting for the titles? What's next - the Rock gives Gangrel a title shot?
Commentators are talking about Foley having to resign if he can't deliver the goods. I guess I can't blame them for ignoring THIS match...
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Emma Bunton* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Tonight, Al is representing not Sweden but Greece - although he seems a bit confused as he's dressed in a T-birds jacket, pompadour wig, throwing combs to the crowd, wearing soap on a rope and carrying a portrait of John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John. Head has a beehive hairdo as well.
Test to the top - Snow over to crotch him. Can Test's crotch survive this match?
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Dee Snider* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Earlier Tonight, we took a look inside the WWF New York where Road Dogg led a dance contest...and rapped VERY VERY BADLY. Hey, I can see that girl's nipples!!!!!!
Guerrero and Venis start. Kick, right, right, right, into the corner, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, why'd I type all that out? Guerrero's ON FIRE!
Richards is the best comedic 'nads holder in the business, folks.
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Jennifer Lien* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Guerrero walks off...but not before picking up the ring. Ross: "He got his ring back! What a jerk!" Me: "What, he was just gonna LEAVE it there?"
By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Melissa Bellin* that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin.
And now, the Lugz Boot of the Week! From SmackDown! last Thursday, Angle runs out and brains Kane with a chair - and then gives Rock a shot as well. See, he's the #1 Contender, so it's only *natural* that he'd start swinging a mean chair....er....I forgot where I was going with this
Damn, 'kishi almost seems NOBLE, doesn't he?
Hey, was anybody else thinking REFORM THE NATION OF DOMINATION WHERE'S AHMED JOHNSON FAAROOQ NEEDS TO KILL BRADSHAW IT'S A NEW URBAN STREET GANG WAR oh, no? Just me? Oh well
How come Foley had all this information about the car I hadn't heard until tonight? This reminds me of...well, I forget which detective it is, but they made fun of him in "Murder by Death" - "YOU always held VITAL pieces of information until the LAST chapter!"
So all this time Rikishi's been reprazentin' da island boys! Damn, he TOTALLY had me suckered in when he said he was standing for all the "fat (and healthy) people" back in '99! But the one big problem with the big speech can be summed up in three words: Yokozuna, Yokozuna, Yokozuna. Selective memory sure can be a BITCH sometimes, can't it? (Also, I'm pretty sure Rikishi Fatu debuted just *before* Survivor Series, but since Foley nailed it, he's allowed to be wrong on that one.)
In the end - and after it's all said and done on THIS night - I want to watch the WWF again. I want to see where this story goes. And isn't *that* what it's all about? I don't know....
...ask Vince Russo.
Maddog2o1 asks: i would like to become a wwf westler how do i do it
Maddog, you must twain, say your pwayers and take your vitamins...and always beweive in yoursewf.
Quite a few of you have had a problem with me bringing up Yokozuna. "Yokozuna? He's JAPANESE! JAPANESE!" you cry. Now I KNOW that Mr. Fuji walked around with him, and I KNOW he waved a Japanese flag, but you can't let that blind you! Or should I say deafen you, because the deal is: *EVERY* time you actually LISTENED to a WWF television program which had Yokozuna wrestling, he was always *always* ALWAYS *ALWAYS* announced as "hailing from the Polynesian islands." If you actually LISTENED, you knew he wasn't Japanese - he was merely a tool of Mr. Fuji to get Japan over. I mean, you didn't think he was *American* when he carried around that *USA* flag, DID YOU? So stop writing me with "Yokozuna was JAPANESE!" because *I* have the tapes and *I* pay attention and *you* need to be more like *me* and I don't want to have to talk down to you like this EVER AGAIN, okay? Okay!
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "By the way, if you ask me, I think it was probably *Rikishi Phatu* who ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin." - ME! from last week's SmackDown! report, proving that I'm a FREAKING CLAIRVOYANT (as long as you ignore all the other names I listed)
Why's that guy in the front row have a chicken with him?
You know what we need? Stevie Ray popping in and saying "HIS HOUSE!"
Austin's still in his truck. Did he have to pee today? What'd he do THEN?
Wow, that was a hell of an opening segment compared to the talkfests we've had to endure. Three matches were announced, we HAD a match, stuff to come...yeah! Do THIS instead of twenty minutes of yakkin'! YEAH!
And here's Mr. Ass - getting attacked from behind by Eddie Guerrero! Run into the metal garage door! Tire iron! Tire iron!
Was that the old "he wasn't really cleared to compete so we'll trick you with this angle instead" deal?
Golly, I wonder what the PTC thinks about Pat Buchanan buying ad time on SmackDown! I wonder if the WWF will give them any FREE time like they CLAIM they want to do for the Republicans and the Democrats. HAR HAR HAR
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: AL SNOW v. ALBERT (with Trish Stratus, the fitness model) - Snow is representing Hong Kong tonight, dressed in early 20th century Chinese stereotype garb, tossing fortune cookies to the crowd and carrying a photo of Hong Kong Fooey (or, if you're working the close captioning - "Ha Ha Foo" - or "Hacka Fu")
Regal strikes a SEXY pose as his music plays.
Sunday at 9am, there will be XFL cheerleader tryouts at the Spectrum Club in Manhattan Beach! Jerry Lawler will be there trying to get arrested!
Hey! Stone Cold Steve Austin is still WALKING! Spotting Funaki chillin' in the hall, he asks where Too Cool are. Funaki points the way 'cause he's a stooge
Venis back to the headlock. Arm falls once...arm falls twice...if you think the arm's falling thrice, you're very special.
Ross is ready to take a gun to Rikishi for his blasphemy against Saint Steve.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Night's Heat, where Trish Stratus brought T&A to the poker game and did a lotta strippin'...the Acolytes were so taken aback by the sight of Stratus' snatch that they became easy pickin's for a (frontal, even!) Pearl Harbour attack by T&A.
Austin manages to hit all four corners without falling over, OR tripping over the RAW credits and TV-14-DLV-CC boxes.
The car screeches to a halt - and we see Rikishi lean out the window. "Austin - this Sunday - No Mercy!" and off he drives...Ross has eight simultaneous heart attacks and "son of a bitches" it up as we head to the break.
Backstage, Gunn calls for Foley, and is helpfully pointed in the direction of the Commissioner's office...or the keg room, whichever.
Buh-Buh Ray trying to remove the mask - UN FOUL!
Lawler tells us they explained to him why Mexico didn't have an Olympic team - everyone that can run, jump or swim is already in the United States HIYO!!!
Venis with...man, what's THAT? Standing figure four variant/chickenwing combo? Yikes!
You know the one thing I HAVEN'T heard advanced to explain Monday's low ratings for RAW was "absence of a twenty minute interview segment to open the show" - I wonder if anybody actually tried that one over at the WWFE towers. Probably some writer did.
Holy cats, TIGER ALI SINGH is in the front row! I know *one* guy that'll be happy to see him...the rest of us will just be confused.
We need Stevie Ray as colour commentator on this show so he can say "HIS house!" a few hundred times...forget Skipper, *Blackman's* where it's at!
Tazz holds on for a Northern Lights suplex...for 2. Or, if you're Cole, a "fisherman's suplex." Yikes, he CAN'T be doing that on purpose...can he? Tazz should leave the ring right now and scream "NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX" in Cole's face.
Yikes! ANOTHER Buchanan ad! Go Pat Go! Keep them furnerz outta my country! REFORM! REFORM!
But it isn't Mr. (Beep) out - rather, it's THAT SLUT CHYNA. Don't treat her like a cueball, don't treat her like a van.
Snow pulls Regal outside and brawls with him until Saturn springs off with an Asai moonsault onto Snow, trying VERY hard to land directly on his head in the process.
Damn, Rikishi just became the COOLEST WRESTLER EVER
Moments Ago, a lotta bad stuff went down - you know what the REAL question is? Who - I say, WHO drove away that decoy? Hmmmmm? Ponder THAT one, mah frenz
Moments Ago, Rikishi scored a one-fall victory against Austin's truck.
What are they gonna do with the whole "Y2J" concept in another 72 days or so, anyway?
Before the match begins, we look to the parking lot, where Austin has return. He's apparently *so* perturbed that he doesn't even notice he just ran over the rest of his beer!
Edge has a chair - Hardyz in - now it's all broken, down - ah, hell I hear glass. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN comes in and chairs all six men. (No contest? 5:42 or so) Right hand for White - KICK WHAM STUNNER #18 for Sergeant Slaughter. Austin chases Mike Chioda away, then returns to the ring to survey his carnage. Two more stomps for Slaughter. Dammit, I was kinda digging that match. I'm rooting for *Rikishi* now! THAT'LL show 'im!
Whoa - Rock knows a *wristlock*?
Hey, look! Trish Stratus knows how to read? And she's WALKING!
Meanwhile, Lits has caught the fever - the latest craze - it is WALKING!
Lawler uses the "she can read?" joke and now I feel...well, older. Oh, man...you and I are in for a TREAT - Trish Stratus is gonna SPEAK! Maybe she'll tell us where her tits and ass are if we're lucky.
KING KURT ANGLE (with Stephanie Ono and Heat ad graphic) v. CHRIS BENOIT (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. THE NEW MAN (with Presto presents No Mercy - Sunday!) v. IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLL in a nontitle four corners match - In case you're interested, these four entrances and their associated advertising moments eat up JUST short of five minutes.
TONIGHT: A Bra & Panty Match - Lita and Trish! I'm disappointed, they only managed to say "Bra and Panties" FIVE times. Also, there's a *new* WWF Champion - he and his corner woman will be sure to be around! Oh, and bra and panties!
Voice of Vince McMahon: "The World Wrestling Federation is deeply saddened by the passing of Rodney Anoai, better known to World Wrestling Federation fans as Yokozuna - a three-time WWF Champion, Yoko was the most athletically gifted big man to ever set foot inside the squared circle. History will recount Yoko's monstrous reign in the ring, but it was Rodney's magnetic and gentle personality that will live on in the hearts of everyone who was privliged to know him."
Oh, and Hogan? You're NEVER getting THAT win back, big man. YOSH!
Rikishi lifts his shades, so you KNOW he's serious.
A camera sits in the parking lot awaiting the arrival of Kurt Angle and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley from their numerous media appearances and autograph signings - whoa, that sign says the clearance is *13* feet...I smell SECRET TAZZ PUSH
Lita with the moonsault...and pulls off the shorts. What's the last thing you wanna see now? That's right - Lawler's ugly mug!
Will Benoit let go of the hold? Yes, but only after a looooong time. The flowerpot: "Your winner by submission...Chris Jericho!" Malenko is in the ring - they shake hands and embrace. Benoit should lay out Lilian Garcia RIGHT NOW.
Hey, this Cybiko ad is the coolest ad on earth. You know why? JAPANESE IS COOL
The paparazzi are waiting as Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley...then Kurt Angle get out. Eww, Angle's got PIT STAINS! On the plus side, he *is* wearing the belt around his waist...
STEPHANIE ONO is out to Kurt Angle's music...which quickly stops as she starts to say "Ladies and gentlemen! I have a VERY SPECIAL presentation to make, right here in Hartford, Connecticut!" Crowd: "That doesn't work when YOU do it."
Awww, lookit that cute little retarded kid with a "Mr. Ass" sign.
FX's "Toughman" features "Cops vs. Firemen" - wouldn't you kinda hope that members of these two professions would be smarter than to enter a toughman competition?
Jerry Lawler leches it up at the Las Vegas XFL cheerleader tryouts. Maybe he should just start cruising elementary school playgrounds and save some steps. Please leave the camera crew at home. No evidence for you, and we're spared having to watch it. Everybody wins!
The ONLY problem with that "swerve" is about a MILLION people came up with that ahead of time.
I GET LETTERS: Kathie Lanman writes: Chris-- I find it very hard to believe that you missed seeing Kurt Angle's black thong in that three-way match. Are you just trying to protect your readers who may have missed it from knowing what Kurt wears under that singlet? I got such a kick out of it that I rewound it two or three times. For the rest of the match, I was just waiting for another low-rider moment.
What can I say? I wasn't looking. By the way, if you write me email, and you're a woman, don't tease me by putting "Thong" in the subject. Ha!
Stephanie says Foley needs to be impeached, and also, lookit her strange cleavage!
Only in the WWF can they make you think they MEANT to make a mistake.
You know, saying "butt" kinda loses its sting when you do it in two consecutive segments...
Now, because I've already been burned once by..well, perhaps that's a poor choice of words. Because I've already wasted one segment tonight detailing seven minutes of action only to be snookered by a DQ, and because we got one in Jericho's match on Monday, I'm just gonna lay out here and see if we get anything resembling a clean finish. Then, if we DO, I'll come back and tell you about all this great action I'm blowing off right now. Hey, remember when Trish Stratus was all into Kurt Angle? Whatever happened with that? Well, sure enough here comes WELL IT'S KANE *just* before Angle could tap out to the Walls of Jericho - flying clothesline to Jericho's back (DQ 5:41) - chokeslam. "All this over a cup of spilled coffee?"
Ivory isn't in this match because GOD forbid Chyna actually locks up with a WOMAN.
XFL cheerleader display. Hey, I kinda doubt they'll be wearing outfits like this when it's SNOWING outside.
Tazz offers King a new joke: "What do you call a pig who loves karate? Pork chop! AHHHAHAHAHAHA!" I'm gonna start calling him "Pete" until he goes back to dressing like a caveman and calling himself the Tasmaniac and fighting Sabu in front of twelve people in a high school auditorium. THAT'LL show 'em. Meantime, I'll be amused by his commentary. Meanwhile, there's a match in this ring between Raven (perhaps I should call him "Scott" until he becomes Johnny Polo again, huh?) and Snow (perhaps I should...okay, maybe I'm overdoing it).
Buchanan ad - am I in a Buchanan demographic or something? By the way...Nader voters are nothing more than Green Party *kooks* - the sad part is, probably three-quarters of those voters won't even realize it when they cast their ballot because they care more about the name than the party. Vote Libertarian, won't you? Harry Browne wants you to be free!
Too Cool weigh 438 - only fourteen pounds more than one Rikishi. (Or, if you're Cole, "seven.")
BAZOOKIA JO(ANI)E is out to start. MTV's Diary will replay Wednesday, if you need more (clothed) Chyna in your life. "There's something that I would like to show all of you." Yikes! Oh, wait.
Remember when Chyna and Kat were S&M lesbian lovers?
Saturday was the XFL draft - contain your excitement
AL SNOW offers Jerry Lawler a tray of candy to say yes ("they're great, they're like drugs.") Yes to what? Yes to be his partner against Tazz & Raven. You think Lawler would JUMP at that chance, but he's suddenly remembered he thinks Snow is loopy.
WILLIAM REGAL is out with a...scroll? HE'S THE GENIUS!
Damn, I should have *noticed* that the STEEL steps have magically sat on end and moved away from the ring - there's only one man with the power to do that, and he's the one driving around the ring.
Austin's in prime shape, by the way. Must be why he doesn't have to settle for LIGHT beer tonight!
Earlier Tonight, X-Pac was enjoying some beer and hors d'ouevres when Tori showed up out of nowhere and slapped him. I guess X-Pac didn't ever visit her after she went through the table at King of the Ring and she's all uppity and breasty now. Oh, and she's got a new 'do with her new attitude. And I've already spent too much time on this segment so let's move on to
It's funny, but I haven't missed Lawler saying "puppies" ONE DAMN BIT. Oh well.
Following outside, removing the jacket - ewww, Angle is all Shane McMahon under that jacket.
Play HIS music, 'cause he LOST! He may have four guys laying out cold in the ring, but he LOST! Say...you get the feeling that that loss isn't as important as people harping about wins and losses might have you believe? There's only one guy standing at the end of this segment, after all.
XFL cheerleader shower scene ad. Remember, you're gonna see all kinds of flesh at an XFL game...except when it's snowing or raining or too cold. Ohhh..wait, a minute...it's ALWAYS gonna be like that, isn't it?
LAST MONDAY: Go read the report, I covered all this stuff there. I *promise*. Really, go read it...I'll be here when you get back. It's okay. By the way, in case you missed catching the vibe from me Tuesday...last Monday's RAW *smoked.* The ratings sucked, but I wouldn't be surprised if they went up THIS Monday as word got out about the overall smokedness of Monday's show. Hell, it just might be reflected in *tonight's* show. LET'S FIND OUT!
IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLL is probably gonna kick things off with something a certain webmaster likes to call "plausible deniability," and I don't know WHY I chose to say it THAT way.
"...The only person Stone Cold Steve Austin trusts is that (beep) I look in the mirror every day...and his name happens to be Stone Cold Steve Austin." Did he used to refer to himself in the third person this much?
I love Rikishi because he talks MUCH slower than I type.
Not bad, for twenty minutes. I'm the LAST person who'd say this, but adding Austin to the mix - and taking Foley OUT - sure made the opening interview segment seem fresher.
Even the WWF stops for "the legend of Zelda." For some reason, the Hardyz seem PERFECT for this ad. They probably play "Magic," too
Chris Jericho eats ravioli...and is, like, the only guy wearing a shirt in this ad...well, except for the band...and that sea cap'n. Arrrrrr!
At this point, Trish enters the picture to protest interference in hardcore matches (now THAT'S brain power!).
Then Jacqueline shows up and says that if Ivory gets a title shot, then "Ebony should get one too." Then she snaps like she was on a morning talk show. YOU GO, GIRL!
Debra *also* says that no members of T&A, Hardy Boyz, OR RtC will be allowed at ringside. Jacqueline, of course, HAS no friends...I suspect racism - hey, maybe Bobby Walker was RIGHT!
Hey, what's the deal with that Thunder Tanks annoucer guy's package in that ad there? It's...well, it's THERE. We don't need THAT to sell video games, do we?
Hey, you seen this "Flick Trix" ad? So the guy goes to open his parachute, righ? And he pulls his rip cord...and it just breaks, right? He's got no parachute...he's FREE FALLING. And he just *looks* at us and says "Over the Edge!" What the HELL is THAT about? Could you TRY to make a more unfortunate choice of words?
Ah, hell, it's apparently time for WELL IT'S KANE to make with the red lights and disqualificationery and the like.
I heard Randy Savage's voice in that Slim Jim ad. Can I start a rumour?
Moments Ago, Kane screwed up another interesting match. I guess the kicker is the way the WWF loves to remind us that "it's all about spilled coffee..." like they're rubbing in our faces that they don't NEED but the flimsiest of reasons to build a feud. During the Break, KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY caught up with Kane, and asked wassup. "You think this is about...coffee?" And he scares him off.
Oh. Well, I guess *I* sound like an idiot, now. Oh well.
Venis and that no-name guy start. Commentators are all confused as to what to call him. Umm, you *could* call him BILLY GUNN. Lawler suggests "Billygee," which is...well, pretty gay. Of course, lookit Billy. He looks ready to change gimmicks and hook back up with the Village People.
Laboured neckbreaker attempt is countered when Chyna's trick knee acts up. Both men - sorry, I didn't mean that - they're both down - White puts on the count...at 4, each man - PERSON - makes a tag - Gunn is a house on fire!
Going for a slop drop, but Chyna backflips over, then hits the WORST "neckbreaker" in the world (she starts with a sleeper, then flings her legs backwards, dropping Eddie to the mat in the clothesline position - hell, YOU name it) for the fall. (3:58) Oh boy, Chyna just pinned the champ - we better give her a title shot at the next pay-per-view or something! Replay of the ... thing.
Snow carries a decorated toilet lid with "KING" written on it. Let's watch this ad! Ahh, it's for the King's "throne." Methinks it'd be a touch uncomfortable to sit on the jewels on that seat.
You know, if Triple H doesn't watch it, I'm gonna have to launch into a lengthy diatribe about "showing ass" and BOY OH BOY THEN he'll be sorry!
Hell, THIS Round Table ad has a "MEAT CAM" - YOU tell ME those guys talking about pizza aren't gay
Meat Cam. HA HA HA
VINCENT K. is here?!? YOU tell ME this isn't a sweeps month!
The WWF Fanatic Series for November features "Hell Yeah: Stone Cold's Saga Continues." Wait...didn't it used to be Fanatix? Did they try to steal somebody's copyright? Naughty, naughty WWF!
Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks Where An Errant Cup Of Coffee Triggered An Epic Confrontation For The Ages
Post-match, CRASH & A BLONDE CHICK show up - Crash ducks a Test charge and lowers the bridge, taking him outside, then landing a pescado. Meanwhile, a distracted Albert falls to a Too Cool doubleteam. Now, the woman comes in - looks like Starla Saxton/Mona - and works over Trish Stratus. She's in pigtails - hot shot - springboard (almost falls) crossbody! Tossing Stratus out of the ring as Crash's theme plays. Commentators are stupefied as to her identity, so she ain't Mona - she has similar tights to Holly, though. Must be his mother AND sister or something.
Hey, look! It's ROGER CLEMENS in the front row! But Lawler is more in a tizzy about galleryfurniture.com's JIM McINGVALE - Ross and Lawler give galleryfurniture.com a blowjob. I tried to visit the site but it was down - obviously some sort of testament to the power of being mentioned on WWF television!
I *won't* call him Billy Gee, 'cause it's LAME and GAY. Then again, Billy Gunn is kinda lame and gay, so maybe it's apropos.
Rock seems perplexed as to how he just got his ass beaten down.
WWF ShopZone.com ad - if you don't have a browser, you can call 203 601 5020 - but then, how are you reading THIS??
XFL cheerleaders ad - what'll they look like in heavy coats, I ask you?
Right to Censor huddles up backstage. "What we have just done tonight is one step closer to attaining our goal - soon, Mr. Venis - but for now, united with the strength of our convictions, there is nothing - or no one - that can stop us. We...are in...control!" Mr. Bischoff, paging Mr. Bischoff...
Meanwhile, the Rock is WALKING! Oops, somebody just shoved a large pile of heavy metallic objects into him. Hey, my kinda "walking" clip!
I don't know about you, but I hope that after Bush is inaugurated, he BURNS ALL THE FORESTS TO THE GROUND.
*That'll* show those Greens.
Sign in crowd: "blaH blaH blaH"
"Let me introduce you to the man that danced his way straight to the bank...RIKISHI." I went to WWF New York earlier tonight, hoping to find some Rikishi shirts in clearance - but Rikishi shirts were still $25, so I passed. I'll probably regret it later. Hey, Tazz has a new orange shirt - it's even got "Survive if I let you" on it! Notice how I have all this time? These people walk SLOWLY to the ring. Of course, Rikishi's a hefty dude so we can let that one go.
Guess that "Island boy" angle just got silently dropped, eh? "Put that footage of Snuka away, we don't need him no more!"
The One has a new song, entrance video, and nickname apparently decided some time between taping (when ring announcer Tony Chimel introduced him as "Billy Gee") and airtime (when the chyron said "The One BILLY GUNN with Chyna"), and of course it's only MY opinion (but it may be yours) that this is about a MILLION times better than that OTHER name they tried hard to run by us last week...and Monday.
Let's Take a Special Video Look at the burning issue between Kane and Chris Jericho - come to think of it, that's a rather unfortunate choice of words
I am GRAVELY disappointed that the UPN 9 News doesn't have a WWF story to try to hook me with this week. I thought they did that EVERY week. But no, tonight's hype story is on...VIDEO GAMES? Blaaaaah
Lita with a scary rana on Edge. Inside the ring, Matt hits the Twist of Fate, Jeff with the swantonbomb, Matt with the cover - and the 3 count. The Hardyz CHEAT. (3:44)
Crash introduces the former Mona as MOLLY HOLLY, another cousin. We're *this* close to bringing back ALL the hillbillies at this rate.
Back to the doubleteam in the corner - meanwhile, Blackman has produced the black bag. Hey Blackman, they're KILLING Crash, you may want to hold off on hitting your catchphrase until you save him.
GENERAL RULE: Anybody who refers to himself as an "Internet personality" probably isn't. For instance, *I* am not an Internet personality. (Figure THAT one out.)
In the T&APA office, Trish Stratus flips a coin to see which of her men will tag up with Kane tonight. T&A smartly have their eyes in the right direction when she bends over to figure out it's "tails."
Moments Ago, Hardcore Holly made his triumphant return with a rather brutal looking clip on Kurt Angle. You might recall that Angle broke Holly's arm with his first successful moonsault five months ago on SmackDown! Well, maybe not, but I just told you again.
But COMMISSIONER McFOLEY interrupts the doin's at this point. I shall yet again ignore the "JR's BBQ Sauce" T-shirt he's wearing.
Survivor Series promo - it is SUNDAY! Angle vs. Undertaker! Rock vs. Rikishi! And Austin vs. Triple H! Anybody else starting to think we're not getting any teams of five striving to survive? ("Yeah, actually, a few weeks ago. Where were you?" "Oh, sorry - I've been busy with this awards thing.")
THE STEPS, MAN!! HOW DID THOSE STEPS GET THERE?!?
Another look at our hosts. This just in: Lawler likes puppies
Say something, already! "Austin!" No, not YOU, crowd.
Chyna and Billy Gunn share a tender (nausea-inducing) moment.
Regal tries a back elbow, but Dogg catches it an spins around into a hiplock takeover, Japanese armdrag, Mexican armdrag, holy cats who KNEW Road Dogg still had all these moves in him?
Why is Road Dogg so happy that that dude just cost him the European Championship?
What the hell was so wrong with having wrestling?
When we come back, Michael King Cole stands with Austin. He knows that if it's him and Rock, they'll tear it up...but he's got a funny feeling in his gut...something ain't right. Methinks it's got something to do with "Billy Gunn" and a "rub."
Chop. Chop. I LUV seein' Rock get chopped.
RIKASHMONEY lumbers out with his sledgehammer. Sign in crowd: "BACK THAT ASS OFF A CLIFF"
WOW! TWO GAY GUYS TALKIN' 'BOUT ROUND TABLE PIZZA! Strangely enough, though, during this ad when he says "it's a solid wall of meat..." well, he *ain't* talkin' 'bout pizza
Earlier Today, Raven forgave Tazz for putting him through a table. They shook on it, but Tazz had a warning: "you do your end...I'll do mine." There's a joke about Raven and ends in there, but *I* ain't touching it.
Benoit: "As soon as we get our meatballs and Austin's in the ring....the trap will snap shut." Me: "Hey, Benoit, IS IT POSSIBLE Austin's watching you say that on a monitor?"
Picking him up by the mullet again - birdy - KICK WHAM STUNNER. 1, 2, 3. (3:16 - I DON'T BELIEVE IT BILL) I shit you NOT on that count - somebody is doing some CAREFUL editing and this chronicler will take a moment to appreciate it.
RtC are announced at a combined weight of 1089 pounds, which is a very mathematically significant number...look it up.
OH MY GOD I MAY HAVE TO BUY A VERY SPECIAL PIKACHU N64 JUST SO I CAN PLAY "HEY YOU PIKACHU"
You know, Undertaker probably would have won if he'd still been able to use that tombstone.
ROAD DOGG & K-KWIK GETTIN' ROWDY v. PERRY SATURN & DEAN MALENKO (with Terri) - K-Kwik has a nice no-hands tope. That's the only good thing I'll say about this complete lameness. They do the bump before the double back elbow? That's GAY. And I mean that in the "men loving men" way!
The irony is that Kwik does gymnastics better than Chyna.
I think years of playing face in peril have hurt Dogg's ability to be a house on fire, because he seems to have forgotten the moves
Maybe if they lose the crappy rapping...wait, better yet, Kwik could just lose Road Dogg and turn into "New Jack with Talent." Yes, I think THAT'S the way to go. (Then again, this MAY be why I'm writing about television shows and not handling talent.)
PPV: Rick was right and Scott was wrong - wait, I say that EVERY month
In case you've been missing out, let me relate to you that the latest "smart" thing for you to do to look "smart" is to openly and publicly bash Stephanie for "writing 100% of the show," which apparently sucks now. And THIS, my friends, is why "smart" fans are by and large, and for the most part...*idiots*. Yeah, you too. ESPECIALLY you. Nutjob. And you want us to think you're making a LIVING doing this? Jesus Christ. Now where was I?
I hear glass, must be time for STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN to STEP OFF BECAUSE THE MAN SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING and stagger to all four corners. I hope he'll say "at least I got my hat back!"
Play his music again! Maybe NOW he can have a beer!
Outside the arena, a crying Stephanie gets in her limousine...and it drives off. When even *Jim "It's my sole purpose in life to give Steve Austin blowjobs" Ross* says "I think Austin's gone too far," it ain't TOO hard to see where they're trying to steer us...we can only wonder how long they'll try it, if they have the guts to stick with it, AND....if it works. 'twould be interesting, non? ("You're so wrong! Clearly this is DESPERATION and the WWF is LOSING IT!" "Hey, I *already* called you a nutjob - GIT.")
From Survivor Series last night, Venis and Richards each go through a table. I heard some "smarks" tell me that this was UNDENIABLE PROOF that RtC was disbanding tonight, which just goes to prove what I'm saying tonight: smarks are IDIOTS
By the way, I bought an N64 last Saturday...unfortunately, I haven't yet opened my copy of "No Mercy" because, and I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but I'm COMPLETELY hooked on "Hey You, Pikachu."
Meanwhile, Chris Jericho is WALKING! Meanwhile, Kane is WALKING! Meanwhile, Rikishi is WALKING!
Meanwhile, the Rock is WALKING! THE WWF IS CREATIVELY TAPPED AND DESPERATE
Backstage, Tiger Ali Singh and Lo Down arrive...or, try to. Once again, they're not on the list, and are denied entrance. Why doesn't Singh bribe these guys? Or is he not THAT rich anymore?
Rikishi's robe says "AKJ 4-Life" on the back. If I were smarter, I'd know what that means and whether or not it was a Yokozuna thing.
Here's a riddle I just wrote: Q: What do Undertaker and Goldberg have in common? A: They both throw a mean soupbone. Except Goldberg.
Let Us Take You Back Once Again to the same highlight package that opened the show - I guess you're as relieved as I am to learn that Triple H's last words won't necessarily be "holy shit"
If Austin busts out the Million Dollar Dream, I WILL DIE.
KICK WHAM STUNNER - leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3! (8:35) That RULED. I take back everything I've ever said about Austin. Have a beer, Austin! Have two! The WWF is ALIVE AND WELL and I am GLAD that you and I are watching it TOGETHER. See you at Thanksgiving!
POSTERITY: Tonight I successfully converted a 7-9 split in the tenth frame. And, oh man, you should have SEEN it...it was a BEAUTIFUL, CLASSIC, TEXTBOOK completion - perfect spin knocking the nine pin directly to the side and into the seven. NOBODY believed it - hell, *I* didn't even believe it.
Unfortunately, I had another entire game after that...so where was the fun in THAT.
Jim Ross shows up with a plate of chicken, prompting Debra to say something about "succulent breasts." That's two segments and two rolls of my eyes...must be one o' THEM nights.
Moments Ago, Billy Gunn wins the IC title for the...hmmm, I can't say I recall if he HAS won it or not. I'm full of turkey and zinfandel!
It may be a hardcore matchup, but that doesn't mean that Hardcore stlil won't bust out the Best Dropkick in the Business.
Foley and the Dudleyz take turns saying "wassup" again after Scotty 2 Hotty fills Foley's mouth with Redi-Whip. I feel an opinion forming....oh, wait, I just lost it in a haze of triptoph- whatever they are.
You're STILL watching UPN, it's STILL Thanksgiving, and you're STILL expected to be HAPPY
"Dungeons & Dragons?" WHY?!?
Stratus going for a superplex? Holy workrate, Batman!
Holly with a ... WOW! HOLLY WITH A SOMERSAULT THESZ PRESS FROM THE TOP!! 1, 2, 3!! (3:04) Yeah, I WOULD like a replay
Meanwhile, Chris Jericho is WALKING! Meanwhile, Chris Benoit is WALKING! Meanwhile, Kane is WALKING! Meanwhile, Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING! Meanwhile, Gangrel is WALKING! Meanwhile, Tracy Smothers is WALKING! Meanwhile, Tom Brandi is WALKING! Meanwhile, Kevin Quinn is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Eric Shelley is WALKING!
I had a 4-6-7-10 split and my brother said "that's a Benoit split," which seemed to look a little too balanced to me, given that Benoit's tooth is missing off to one side. Of course, I hit the field goal on THAT one.
Play his music! Austin wants beer! Jericho Lionsaults Kane but we almost miss it because AUSTIN HAS BEER.
NOTE TO RICK: Of course, *I* liked ya better when you didn't need ME to make your points for you. When's our contract up again?
KING KURT ANGLE leads off tonight's festivities with a slightly LESS than festive look - ha! He turned his back expecting some fireworks, but he got SQUAT! Take THAT, you OLYMPIC CHUMP! Oops, sorry, got caught up by that sign there.
"Here, let me run the ropes near Test..." Oh, Test put a knee in the back. GO FIG.
HEY! LOOKIT MOLLY'S CLEAVAGE SPILLING OVER....ahem.
On Thursday at SmackDown!, Billy Gunn won the intercontinental championship and lots of smarks cried about it (and inbetween sobs, they'd say something HEP like "dick rudo" or something)
I'll say this, though - when the crowd chants "Eddie sux," they *ain't* cheering for Billy Gunn.
Sign in the front row: "NO SELL BILLY GUNN"
The smarks who will complain about Gunn retaining the title are the same ones who WON'T make any notice of the Radicalz immediately "getting their heat back" with the big beatdown on Gunn. But they'll be MORE than happy to point out when Triple H "gets his heat back" the very same way. I hate smarks because they like to selectively look at certain things and ignore certain other things. Also, they believe wild rumours as if they're set in stone fact, *even* when challenged to come out and provide a damn source. Ahhhhh. SHUT UP SMARKS
(Hey, if I'm gonna be contrary, let me AT LEAST try to simultaneously be contrary AND keep what tiny amount of credibility I still have!)
Angle: "I wanna bring more sport into sports entertainment - is there anything wrong with that?" Golly, if the WWF starts booking for workrate freaks, then they MUST be in a downturn - earnings numbers be DAMNED!
Moments Ago...did Tim White lose a contact lens or something? *What the hell was he doing?*
Yeah, yeah, the steps levitated, whatever.
"Because we, the Right to Censor, is in control." Hey, Richards, nice grammar.
Here's a switch - Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING away from us! Meanwhile, the Hardy Boyz are WALKING down some stairs!
Please, WWF. I'm BEGGIN' ya. YA GOTTA STOP ALREADY WITH ALL THIS WALKING - smarks will start to openly wonder what happened to all your creativity...and then blame Stephanie in manifestos
To *further* confuse me, about eight frames of some OTHER show are spliced in at this point.
Singh, who appears to have inherited a hyphen during his long absence, still has the Iron Shiek's music but is now announced "from India," instead of from the continent of Asia. (note to self: Iron Shiek was not Indian)
Blackman pulls him to the post and makes a wish. I believe it may have been "I wish I was wrestling anybody else," but that one's not coming true TONIGHT!
Blackman outside to find some toys, while Singh grabs his shoe...and puts it back on. Lawler and I simultaneously say "Hit him with your shoe, you idiot!"
Blackman on the top turnbuckle - we look back to Singh, who has his turban. You KNOW he's thinking "at least I got my hat back!" but he turns around to take a kendo stick right between the eyes. 1, 2, 3. (3:32) Blackman: "THE TURBAN IS MINE!"
Champ enters first because his theme music doesn't have a guy shouting "STEP OFF" in it.
Into the ropes, reversed, Austin to the sleeper! C'mon, Austin, bust out the Million Dollar Dream! We all want to see it!
Triple H removes his shirt, revealing a noticably scar-free torso...and poses over Austin as his music plays. Credits are up and we're out. Hey! Wait a minute! So... ...he's JUST FINE? DAMMIT! The smarks were RIGHT!
Although I may be digging this "wrestling" Austin the most, this Triple H thing has a lameness that seems set to completely overshadow *everything.* And I don't mean in a good way. It doesn't help when they give us a hell of a lot of clips of things we've just seen, combined with at least one shot of EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE WALKING! and try to call it a show.
You know, I haven't even gotten around to watching November to Remember yet...there's ANOTHER damn ECW pay-per-view Sunday? Are those guys still in business?
Back in the commissioner's office, Mick plays with himself....Connect Four, I mean.
"If you want Mick Foley to bottom line this whole thing, gimme a hell ya!" Crowd: "Nah, take all night, we don't care."
Stephanie: "And they said that we would NEVER last!" WOW! ON THE LIPS FOR REAL!! I'm trying to remember - did anybody on tOA have it this long in the pool?
Santa wears Lugz?!?
Okay, I got it...Helmsley wants Austin to lose his title shot. Gotcha. Sure, it takes me an hour but I EVENTUALLY Get It
D'Lo Brown looks like the damn Sultan with that turban wrapped around his face.
Back to the party, where Triple H brandishes...something in lace. "Wow - this is great! But I don't think it's gonna fit me." TRIPLE H LIKES WEARING WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR!
Next week, UPN wants you to watch their crappy shows, so they'll give out plenty of cameos to WWF superstars
"Holly - no one respects the flame quite like the fool who's badly burned, and I'll be the bird of prey that feets on your rotting carcass. DAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The sound you hear is Raven reacting to Holly's uppernut. Lawler: "So much for Raven's raisins!"
Holly rips a (planted) STOP sign off the pole ("How do you know it was planted?" "Umm, it was FACING THE WRONG WAY?") WHACK - and that'll do it.
How come when they mention the Undertaker's brutal history of Hell in the Cell matches, they ALWAYS mention Shawn Michaels and Mankind but they NEVER mention the Big Boss Man? I mean, COME ON.
Arm wringer, "old school," tightrope walk, forearm across the back. If he's gonna say "old school" every time he does that now, shouldn't it be even EASIER to scout and shouldn't they just pull the man off the top rope?
Man, between *Sammo* and Arsenio Hall, this is the UGLIEST version of "Caged Heat" I've EVER seen
Off the ropes...DRUMSTICK DROP! That'll be it - 1, 2, BULLLLLLLLSHIT - 'Taker may have raised his hand but his shoulder DAMN sure didn't move. Teddy Long is in the Undertaker's pocket!
I guess that "no interference" thing was just for SmackDown! then....or the writers have no short-term memories
Debra says he's stuck in traffic after a book signing in New York, but he should be here soon. That's funny, I thought all the traffic would be trying to get OUT of Jersey
Holly kicks him in the crotch. Is he gonna do that EVERY match? I mean, he just figured out how to use the plate in his arm - does he REALLY need that crotch stuff?
How much a success do they plan the XFL to be? THEY'VE GIVEN IT THE BRAWL FOR ALL THEME
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY (holy CRAP! What happened to his HAIR? Did he lose an ECWA match or something?) stands in the towering presence of the Rock, who puts up a hand for him to talk to. Mug, mug, mug.
This interests Triple H enough to lean forward on the sofa...or maybe it's just his sciatic nerve bothering him (yuk yuk - jokes for smarts).
JESSE VENTURA: "Why did you cheer the football legends of yesterday? Was it because of his seven figure salary, his five houses, the jewelry around his neck, or was it because he made diving catches across the middle, took a blind hit, and still got up, played with a busted hand or a broken bone in his leg..." "The XFL, coming this February." "It's real football." Didn't those legends usually die broke and broken?
I ask you - WHAT are they gonna do in a month when it ain't Y2K no mo'?
Why the camera chose to focus on the line of signs saying "The One Bad Ass Monty Sopp!" I'll never know. Maybe it's the Sopp family out there or something.
Lita is WALKING! She's a GIRL!
Moments Ago, four paragraphs ago. Ross *still* calls him "Steven Regal" at least once per segment.
See, *Vince* has PERFECT hair for the tombstone...
Don't treat her like a woman, don't treat her like a man....treat me like a dog, get me down on my knees...no, that's not it.
Head to the buckle, right, right, or are they forearms, eh who cares. That's stomping. Am I sexist for thinking Chyna's a pretty crappy wrestler?
HA! The Right to Censor wins AGAIN! Up yours! I hope they TAKE OVER! I hope Stephanie DID write that because it was AWESOME!
Hey Gunn, you can tap all you want but unless Long manages to pull him off you, you might as well get used to that pain in your shoulder. Play Benoit's music - it brings a gapped smile to his face!
Speaking of Jericho, he's still gettin' tubby on that island paradise eatin' ravioli. Hey Jericho, wipe your face! IT'S CALLED A NAPKIN, JERKY!
Lookee, SUSAN SARANDON is in the front row with (presumably) her kids! Tim Robbins won the coin flip, so he was able to stay home with his principles while Sarandon had to be content with being a loving parent instead. Poor Molly is STILL smartin' from her hurtin' at the hands of William Regal last Monday - she's *so* hurt that she has to interrupt her "golly, I'm so gosh-darn cute" pose.
The winner of THIS match gets a shot at Ivory on Sunday! Gee, wonder who'll win? (Susan Sarandon?) (Hush.)
When we come back, our commentary team plays with clay...on their way to hyping "Gary & Mike" - holy cow, we have to watch ads for this until JANUARY?
In the commishes' office, Crash pleads his case for Molly being the #1 Contender. Debra has an idea - a Triple Threat match. For some reason - perhaps that he's a dumb hick country bumpkin - Crash is happy with this...because in HIS mind, it's better for Molly to get her hands on Trish AND Ivory, rather than get a one-on-one shot at the belt. The Smark just told me to ask you "what do you expect? The WWF has been cheapening their belts for YEARS!" but then I asked him "didn't Austin just elevate the belt, and hasn't he been doing so since he returned?" and then he shut up...for now. Damn that guy - who let him in here while I'm trying to watch this show?
I *can't* be the only one who thinks that Hardcore Holly's trunks look like they've been put in the washing machine running at the wrong temperature with the wrong detergent
Vince McMahon is still WHEELING!
During the Break, a crying Linda walks by the camera saying "I can't believe he did that" and tries to cry some more on her way inside the limo. Silly Linda - WOOD CAN'T CRY
Ashton Kelso and Tazz continue the wacky hijinks. Boy, wrestlers sure are STUPID. Kat catches up to him and shows off her nipples. She'd like a private screening of "Dude Where's My Car?"
Our hosts plug the movie one more time - hey, Lawler, your wife's a slut.
Jesse Ventura hypes the XFL - listen to me, friends, it's a subtle point but an important one. If the XFL is supposed to be such hot stuff.....how come Ventura is wearing a *WWF* sweatshirt?
Earlier Tonight, Vince McMahon made me wonder about their stock price
Also Earlier Tonight, Linda McMahon .... well, she TRIES
Opening credits - a different problem: we KNOW who did this one, but we can't make out the lyrics. Why IS he a thorn in your eye, anyway?
IF YA SMELLLLLL is out to provide Editorial Response....and perhaps feed a chant or two with subtle facial movements. Whew, so much free time while we wait for Rock to start talking already.
Lawler promises a big surprise later in the show. Lawler, surprising us in Memphis? Perish the thought!
Ross can't tell the difference between Malenko and Saturn? Time to put a bullet in him.
Outside, Brisco and Patterson meet a limousine, where Vince McMahon steps out. Patterson remarks on the frigid weather. McMahon: "What's wrong with you? This is nice weather! This is FOOTBALL weather! This is XFL weather!" He fails to say "this is cheerleader hypothermia weather!" - maybe during the ad break
Guerrero exhorting Benoit to "kick his butt" - always a successful heel tactic, saying "butt."
Rock is in to pull the table away...but not fast enough, as Buh Buh receives a NASTY knock on the head on the very edge of the table on his way down. Hebner: "Buh Buh, ya all right?" Dudley: "Grrrrraah."
Chyna is WALKING! And her breasts are BOUNCING!
Here comes - whoa! The Giant Swing! Unfortunately, she loses the center and just about decapitates Ivory on the bottom rope as she ends up in the corner. Maybe she and Gunn could cripple *each other* instead of people I enjoy watching?
Lawler, I think, is the ONLY guy in the WWF who can actually *get* a victory in his hometown.
YOW! Kevin Kelly stands in front of an EXCITING door! Actually, right there next to Kelly, that door *is* starting to look rather exciting...
Hey, if Foley DOES resign....doesn't that just promote Debra? This would be better?
Cole says "public mandate" again - is that a euphemism for "broken storyline?"
I NEVER get tired of seeing one competitor pull another one up.
Monday, Dean took advantage of an unconscious Lita with a kiss that threw out her back! At least, I *think* that's why she's still holding it.
To the commissoner's office we go, where an impromptu hockey game has erupted - that or a free shot of Debra's gams.
Remember how worried we are about two years ago when Vince said "when are we gonna get rid of that ring and have some REAL fun?" Kind of ironic that we all expressed concern....and yet, NOW, we end up with in-ring segments like THIS. Vince *always* gets his way, whether we realise it or not. Wow, I should have just turned those three sentences into a column. Oh well - I guess that's why I recap shows instead of writing columns.
Austin with a snap suplex (Austin has a SNAP SUPLEX?) for Regal - 1, and Regal kicks out. Only 1? No wonder he doesn't use it.
YEAR IN REVIEW: Want to help put it together? With the Awards finished, now's the time to write and let me know!
TONIGHT: RAW is LIVE on TNN! Last Thursday, Vince made this face. Huh huh huh...we'll find out more about Linda tonight. Also, Stone Cold Steve Austin is in the-- whoops, thirty seconds is up...back to SAMMO
How come they don't end WRESTLING shows with a blooper reel like they do for "Martial Law?" That'd be SO COOOOL
BILLIONAIRE VINCE gimps out to get this party started right/quickly.
Now, before you write me AGAIN saying "but WHYYYYYYY did Ross say they were married for 34 years if the 1969 Chevy Impala would have been made *31* years ago?" let me just say that MAYBE they're just doing it to PISS YOU OFF. Or *maybe* they secretly brought Russo back; he kinda loved to craft plot holes like that.
Anyway, beneath the exterior of the type of music you'd expect for a "the way we were" vignette, we see wedding photos, family photos - YES SIR, Vince's hair NEVER changes!
"Because when it comes down to it, Dad...you're just a MEAN OLD BASTARD." Crowd pops for the naughty word...that, or the plunging neckline. Who can say.
The WWFShopZone.com ad is cut off by the standard ad break...wow, they must REALLY be running over to cut one of their own promos!
Matt slaps him on the ass on his way out. If MY brother did that to ME, I'd KICK HIS ASS.
Benoit holds it for four, then stands over Hardy, belt in hand. Say, that's just like one o' them Hardy matches from 1996...only with less flippy flippy from the squash.
Now they go ahead and play the WWFShopZone.com ad they cut about ten minutes ago. I guess they made up the lost time by shortening the Hardy/Benoit match or something. Sighs audibly and so on.
Let Us Take You Back One Week where Chyna suffered the Infamous WWF Spike Piledriver of Bouncy Death.
From Heat, Santa Claus goes through a table - it's okay, though, because he was working for the RtC, so he HAD to go through the table. Don't you understand?
I LOVE it when Right to Censor win, mostly because I'm the only person that doesn't get really pissed off about it.
Jesse Ventura, still wearin' that WWF sweatshirt while talking about the XFL. "I think Coach Lombardi would like that." *I* think Coach Lombardi would like to SPIN IN HIS DAMN GRAVE
Ladies and gentlemen....we have new tag team champions. (8:40) Is it too late to stop that "Edge & Christian are breaking up FOR GOOD and I mean it THIS TIME" rumour from starting up again?
Moments Ago...eh, I don't know, I was in the bathroom or getting a snack or something
Royal Rumble promo features midgets and Amish dudes. I'll bet you thought I was gonna make a JOKE here.
McMahon puts another big glob of baby oil in his palm....OH GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY HE'S NOT GONNA DROP THE PANTS RIGHT NOW AND whew, he's just oiling up his biceps some more.
Meanwhile, Steve Austin's shadow is WALKING! Steve Austin matches it step for step
When we come back, the Acolytes talk to the cameraman...or somebody behind the cameraman. I dunno.
Regal puts him into the ringpost again - then waves to the crowd. Regal's the MAN.
Austin looks at Regal..and looks at the European title. Sure enough, he picks it up and gets ready to let loose...but at that moment, White wakes up, looks at what's in front of him....and calls for the bell. REGAL BEATS AUSTIN is your headline, Daddy - and I must be clairvoyant. (DQ 4:32)
Austin points to his eye with his middle finger and now I'm losing it 'cause this is SO damn funny. Man, only MY MAIN MAN REGAL can bring out the COOOOOOL in Austin.
Moments Ago, Austin failed to play well with others
Jacqueline repeatedly bouncing Stratus' head off the mat...surprisingly, it has no effect on her ("Hey! You're SEXIST!" "No, I'm blondist")
Trish stomping away - head to the mat, over and over and over and over and....sorry, I gotta go. I'll be right back.
Jackie slips it and gets behind her, shoving her into the corner, rollup, pulling the tights (PULL HARDER!)
TNN - one gay guy after another saying "pop"
Meanwhile, Dean Malenko got an eyeful on the magic monitor that doesn't show what you and I are watching, but what the viewer wants to see....unless Dean's having that reaction to his OWN mug. Hey, isn't it funny how Jim Ross is all "Dean Malenko is James Bond" like it's some NEW thing...only because during the six months or so Dean's had that them, he's been stuck on shows Ross wouldn't be caught DEAD watching?
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is WALKING! And MUTTERING! And just for fun, TNN serves up two frames of "the Ab-doer" followed by twelve frames of "Dukes of Hazzard" in mid-stride. Why does TNN *do* that?
The Royal Rumble Replay is from 1996 - Jake Roberts brings a snake to the ring as Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect provide commentary. Lookit Mabel! Bob Holly! Bob Backlund! Hunter Hearst Helmsley! Henry O. Godwinn! Jerry Lawler wears the snake, which is so frightening it PERMS HIS HAIR!
McMahon points to Foley - he's the real reason (men commit crimes).
Well, now "My Time" fires up and out bounces STEPHANIE ONO. "Stop!" She's got some sort of breasts - PAPERS - in her hand.
THE BAND IS BACK TOGETHER Damn, and here I was trying to be all clever pointing out the problems with Stephanie's performance from last Thursday...all I've done is fall onto the Wheel of Fortune again. I don't know about you, but when it all comes together, when it all makes sense, when you can go "aha" because it all SNAPS from a jumble of puzzle pieces to a razor-sharp picture....THAT'S why I keep watching this WWF. Because nobody, NOBODY else can keep putting it together like they can. And I have to keep coming back....because, dammit, it's worked - I *have* to know where it goes from here.
I'd STILL like 'em to explain Triple H surviving that fall in the car, though. OH SORRY
I think Vince may need that smile surgically removed.
Lawler: "Raghead - why are they dressed like taxicab drivers - these guys know how to operate the Slurpee machine?" On one hand, this is a timeless old-school stereotyping technique employed throughout wrestling's storied history...on the other hand, Lawler's comments....well, I guess I'm just glad *I* didn't say them. Cole makes it moot by bringing a perspective to which I can better relate: "Last I checked, Chaz & D'Lo were from Jersey."
Their turbans have CHIN STRAPS? Ha!
The brawl spreads into the ring, where the WWF formula demands that one man quickly be thrown out - it's Chaz.
Jackie swipes the mic. "Penguin, please.....let's dance." And then...THEY START DANCING! No, they don't.
Don't they have this match every three months whether they need it or not?
I know I'll regret calling this match in about a minute and a half, but let's go.
Lawler's cel phone rings...it's a phone call from Gary & Mike. Oh Lord. I leave it to you to figure out how a couple of animated guys can show up next week.
WHY would you pay $85 when you ALREADY have a perfectly good oven to put your frozen pizzas in? I mean, how many frozen pizzas do you EAT, anyway? I *maybe* have one a month...and I consider myself on the high end of frozen pizza eating!
"No Mercy" ad - I SUCK at this game, by the way. Perhaps I'm too old
Moments Ago, something entertaining happened...then Kane showed up
If you haven't been watching Heat, you probably don't know that the men from the land of the Rising Sun have hired La Parka's voice coach, who apparently didn't have anything better to do with WCW firing all the non-English speakers.
Meanwhile, Steve Blackman swings his mighty weapons! He's NEXT!
Richards begs off. Gunn with a kick, right, right. Cole predicts this'll be "slow, methodical, and painful" which is a straight line if I ever heard it.
Get Gunn some oxygen STAT!
Edge & Christian are WALKING! Meanwhile, Undertaker is WALKING! Meanwhile, Rock is WALKING! Meanwhile, Gangrel is WALKING!
No, wait, that last one only happened in my mind.
Somehow, the STEEL steps have stood on end and levitated to the barricades - it's GOTTA be some kinda residual Power of the Dark Side that Undertaker still commands or something. The Taker wears the belt around his neck - well, WHY NOT. Champs enter first because tradition can SUCK IT. I think I just hit all my highspots, so you can skip to the end if you're so inclined.
'Taker with an arm wringer, STOMPING IT IN (they've been watching their WOW!)
Rock's back in his corner in the mean time...where's Angle? Still out? Must be the ref shirt that makes 'em go comatose.
Rock is up...and readying himself - spinebuster! Cole just told me Rock called it the "piebuster" but I'll NEVER, EVER call it that. That's a promise from me to you.
HAVE A COULD BE WORSE CHANUKAH!
TONIGHT: It's a Very Special Christmas and a very special show! In fact, it's SO special that there's no pre-show promo!
Not only is this Very Special Christmas SAMMO *not* Very Special, it ain't even Christmas! (unless Sammo's birthday is Christmas)
STEPHANIE ONO sidles out in the same santa hat she wore last year...the jury's still out on the chest, though.
I think they edit out Kurt pounding on his mic to make sure it works.
Anyway, Matt rushes him again...but Benoit gets the better of it before the refs and officials separate them. Did Benoit just blow them a kiss? He's EDGY!
Meanwhile, Vince is on the speaker phone as Stephanie's cleavage listens in.
Blackman with a German suplex onto the hood of the car, and holding on for a bridge - 1, 2, 3! (3:41) I don't know, it kinda looked like BOTH men's shoulders were down, but we gotta cut referee "Blind" Chad Patton some slack because it's probably REALLY REALLY COLD and he'd like to get back inside as soon as possible.
We follow Blackman back down the stairs and back to the curtain...but Raven's up from behind with his OWN block of wood to the back of the head! 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore champion. WORST CHRISTMAS EVER. (0:32)
T&A v. TOO COOL - haven't seen these guys on RAW in a while, you know... Amazingly, we don't start with a Pier Four brawl with one man being thrown outside while the ref buts the other man in his corner! I KNOW! I can't believe it either!
I think Lawler's been watching Metal en espanol because HE starts singing during the worm just like Carlos Cabrera does - hi-YA! That was voted the Worst Move of 2000, by the way. I was hoping Rock's spit punch would win, but I'm only one man.
Goodfather: "People. The Internet has become a habringer for nothing more of filth and decay. The World Wide Web is there to trap you until it slowly strangles all the goodness from each and every one of ya. So open your eyes, people - just open your eyes!" Now, having actively worked on the Internet for the better part of a decade, and having used it as a student for the REST of that decade, I believe I can say with some semblance of authority that EVERYTHING they just said...is COMPLETELY true!
Wow! Kevin Kelly stands in front of an exciting door! He'll be emasculated NEXT!
Chyna ... well, I've stopped paying attention because I keep shouting "BRUSH BACK YOUR BANGS" to the TV.
Hey, I caught that iGeneration Wrestling PPV on Tuesday night. Awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, stinky, awful, and awful. Simply dreadful. I'm not sure if it was better or worse than "Heroes of Wrestling," mostly because I'll NEVER be inclined to go back and watch HoW to check...
Having forced us to sit through that....well, whatever that thing Stephanie just delivered, we go straight to ACTION.
Champ enters first because Stephanie.....umm, because Stephanie....no, I can't make it work. Sorry.
Angle hits the Moonsault That Never Lands Lest Arms Be Broken...and, go figure, it misses.
Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley is WALKING! PLEASE, STEPHANIE...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO TAKE YOUR HAND OFF YOUR HIP, IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT
Here comes STEPHANIE ONO - if she doesn't take that hand off that hip, by God, I'm gonna....write somebody really nasty email or something.
Why doesn't Austin just get his wife to book a title match?
Moments Ago, Austin poured beer over Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley That's what I *thought* he did.
Faarooq is ready to take her on, but Jacqueline is in behind him with the most blatantly illegal tag Long's probably ever seen...if only he had the good sense to disallow it. Of course, he doesn't, so Jacqueline races across the ring to spear Ivory.
Backstage, Austin is leaving the arena - one beer finished, he whips out another. How he can drink while he's WALKING, I'll never know
You know what movie "Save the Last Dance" reminds me of? That's right - BREAKIN'
Champ enters first, because it's a Hardy family tradition to enter second when challenging in title matches.
Albert continuing to kick away on Test...kick, kick, now standing on the throat....looks like some of those "internal injuries" as Test's mouth turns red. Yaaaaaaavalanche finishes him off. "I'm done carrying you! It's MY turn! I'm done carrying you! FINISHED with you!" And off he goes. Well that came outta nowhere. I wonder who gets to keep the music? I wonder who gets to keep the *manager*?
"If ya smellllllllllllllllllllll what THE ROCK ...... is cookin'." And then he starts WALKING! Meanwhile, Rikishi has caught onto the latest craze - he too is WALKING! Meanwhile, the Undertaker, surprisingly, is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Viscera is WALKING! Oh wait, that's not him - it's actually an ad.
From RAW, Rikishi returns...and somehow...his pants stay on
We look back to Stephanie, who is trying to do a Ted DiBiase laugh impersonation - and failing. We're out
See you next year!
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