Special Feature

Year in Quotes

Main

BLAH

I didn't compile this! vsp did! He sent it to me in the middle of February and I did NOTHING with it until April! I'm a BAD, BAD MAN!

Thanks vsp!! Wanna do 2000 later? I promise it'll be up by 2004! ;-) - CRZ

WOW

David McLane's voiceover promises another look at "one of the greatest matches in the history women's wrestling" along with never-before-seen footage! If you're cynical, you'll ask "what's up with the rehashed content?" but fortunately for us, I'M not!
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

"Hey Poison! You tried to blind me with green venom - meet your antidote!" And then she flexes her guns. I don't know...I think my biceps are SLIGHTLY bigger. ("Yeah, your breasts are probably bigger, too.") HEY! I think I'm offended! And furthermore, THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE! ("Keep dreamin', fatty.")
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

"Help me - help me - please, help me...help me to escape this cheesy entrance video!"
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

And there's another Rapidly Approaching the Best Dropkick in WOW and Hyde goes to the outside.
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Mistakes made by the commentators in this match: McLane promotes Nurse Mercy to "Doctor," while Marshall intimates Beckie is from "a small town in Kansas." In case you're wondering, no, I *don't* have anything better to do but nitpick.
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

We pause to take a replay of Beckie's ride through the ropes - apparently, there's a 2 count and a foot on the rope during this replay, but why would we want to see that?
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Hyde picks her up - snapmares her over...put in position for...hey, I didn't know Hyde had a top-rope splash, too - well, she doesn't, because it missed.
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Why does Summer look like her four words took an hour to memorize?
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Look, if you can't tell them apart, I'll help you this ONE time: Summer is the one carrying the floaty with "Summer" on it.
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Into the ropes, simply AWFUL, awful dropkick (more like a knee - and that's being charitable) - Mystery says "I ain't sellin' anything else from this chick" and tags in Misery.
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

What the heck? AARP? Is THIS the demographic for this show?
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Mystery tags in - strange right - strange chop - strange punch - "martial arts," I hear.
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Marshall goes into a brief lecture about how the drop toehold may very well be Summer's signature move - ummm, she hasn't gotten a pin off it, so maybe she should pick another maneuver?
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Hop up and down and do the "lookit my boobies" dance, Summer! Hooray!
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Camel (toe) clutch is applied...
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Gold can't lose - THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Several angles of replays of the Perfect 10 - amazingly, the ring does *not* fill with children.
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Day makes a "are we off yet?" face. Hey, Julie, given that Chris Jericho unicorn horn you're wearing, you got no right to be dissin' that girl no matter HOW blue and glittery her eye shadow is.
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Log onto wowe.com NOW! Or later. They're pretty flexible about that.
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Powers decides to shake her tail feathers in Delta's direction...that *can't* be a good idea, even if I *do* appreciate it.
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Tag to Loca, who has managed to whip around her pigtails about 37 times to this point.
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation, Tootsie candies, and Invention Submission Corporation (2) - I don't understand it - do pro wrestling watchers strike you as being the type to regularly come up with brand new inventions?
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

She tries to shoot off the halon again, but it's dead. God bless her for trying. She gives up and walks off.
WOW Women of Wrestling #14 - 6.1.2001

QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 15/16 (- 1/8) - they announced a new CEO, but it wasn't Ric Flair or Linda McMahon, so who cares...
WOW Women of Wrestling #15 - 13.1.2001

It's Jungle Goldbrrrg!
WOW Women of Wrestling #15 - 13.1.2001

What's that? You say your weiner isn't working? This is the ad for YOU, boyo!
WOW Women of Wrestling #15 - 13.1.2001

Caliente and Boom Boom are teaming because Caliente's FIRST partner, Dynamite, apparently really pissed off somebody and never made it to a broadcast.
WOW Women of Wrestling #15 - 13.1.2001

Caliente looks RIGHT AT ME as she makes her way ringside ("You mean you *actually* looked in the direction of her EYES?") Hey, leave me alone. She's STILL shimmying - I'm not sure that girl can actually walk since she's STILL in a mambo, even in the ring.
WOW Women of Wrestling #15 - 13.1.2001

Tag to Caliente - ummm, today, Caliente...
WOW Women of Wrestling #15 - 13.1.2001

("Aren't you gonna say 'Terri Gold is WALKING!' or something?") Well, that voiceover guy and this nagging cough are really taking me off my game this week... that graphic, too! "Cold Gold Title Match?" I mean...WHOA.
WOW Women of Wrestling #15 - 13.1.2001

Is your kid STUPID? This ad is for you!
WOW Women of Wrestling #15 - 13.1.2001

"Ice Cold, baby!" drops the elbow, bad touch press gets 2.
WOW Women of Wrestling #15 - 13.1.2001

Hey, who snuck the MULLET MANIA sign into the building?
WOW Women of Wrestling #15 - 13.1.2001

Wow, Riot and I have the same exact eye colour.
WOW Women of Wrestling #16 - 20.1.2001

As Patti cheers her on, Star goes for the white and blue locks. Master of psychology McLane explains that this is the most devastating thing one can do to a woman - well, I guess in the WOW world.
WOW Women of Wrestling #16 - 20.1.2001

A brief graphic for the pay-per-view, and it's time for the Benny Hill break - while that's happening, ponder this question: in this matchup....who exactly is the FACE?
WOW Women of Wrestling #16 - 20.1.2001

Vroom vroom! I count three "vroom vrooms" before she leans back on the top turnbuckle and asks me to take her.
WOW Women of Wrestling #16 - 20.1.2001

What does a woman do with a broadsword, anyway? ("Wouldn't YOU like to know?") Geez, I didn't mean to feed you a straight line.
WOW Women of Wrestling #16 - 20.1.2001

"Who is Miss Cleo?" Why, *she's* the woman I'm always fast forwarding past!
WOW Women of Wrestling #16 - 20.1.2001

It's VIDEO PACKAGE time - featuring Creepy Voiceover Guy!
WOW Women of Wrestling #16 - 20.1.2001

Dragging her to the corner, putting a foot on each rope and covering. The referee, who has seen all of this, goes ahead and counts anyway. No WONDER you don't have a name yet!
WOW Women of Wrestling #16 - 20.1.2001

Hey, wait - TV-14-DLV? Man, if I were thirteen and my parents actually paid attention to ratings, I'd be PISSED.
WOW Women of Wrestling #16 - 20.1.2001

Marshall: "Who in the world is that?" McLane: "I think it's her brother or her cousin..." and then he fails to add "maybe both" to amuse me, so I'm forced to do it myself. This is why recapping can be such hard work sometimes!
WOW Women of Wrestling #16 - 20.1.2001

While you ponder this, let's pause for a brief word about....impotence
WOW Women of Wrestling #16 - 20.1.2001

Gold now wears a "10" on her chest - and if you think I'm gonna make THAT joke before I get a chance to interview her, you're nuts.
WOW Women of Wrestling #16 - 20.1.2001

Marshall wants to know if Danger's nuts - no, she *always* does this, Lee - where ya been?
WOW Women of Wrestling #16 - 20.1.2001

Wait a minute...McLane reads WOW Magazine? Oh man, he's a LOSER.
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

Hmm, wait, I wonder if he ever visits WrestleLine, "the official WOW Magazine online home." Har har har....anyway, here we go. Cue the quick cuts and creepy closeups!
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

Can you *hear* Summer twirling her hair?
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

And into the ring where DAVID McLANE has magically transported!
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

Before she gets to cutting, ICE COLD is out - a TRENCHCOATTED FIGURE hands her a big mirror, which she proceeds to break over Star's head! Star goes down like a sack of bricks. Commentators seem to think it's a fan - I guess they let fans through *all the time* or something.
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

Poison spews the venom to take *her* down. The hat and coat are off - even the commentators know it's Poison now!
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

Wedgie wedgie wedgie
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

"Lotus and Jade are scrappers" is a kind way of saying "Lotus and Jade will NEVER, EVER win."
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

And now, a word from Benny Hill (who is still dead, as far as I know)
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

She's doing weird tongue stuff, she is. She's stealing the mic, she is.
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

We'll be generous and call it a Falcon Arrow.
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

Elbowdrop to the....butt?
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

Riot tosses Blond over the top rope, does a little dance, and calls for the mic. "I just have ... a few things .... to say ... to everybody here." Well, we'll have to hear her breathe another week as WENDI WHEELS is out with a garbage can lid - WHACK!
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

"Fans, Sunday - iNDEMAND - order this pay-per-view event - it's gonna be hardcore - Riot against Wendi Wheels!" Hey, *I'd* like to get hardcore with Wendi - I mean, that'll be an interesting match. Ahem.
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

Chyron says "If you leave WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU!" I don't believe that. I'd like to SEE them come after me, come to think of it. BRING IT ON! I DOUBLE DAREYA!
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

If your child is stupid, let Alex Trebek sort 'em out
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

It's strange to go from the Phonics Game to the hot sex phone lines, isn't it?
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

"Charlie, there's no roadkill at the beach!" "Well, we're gonna turn them into ... crab... infested... corpses layin' dead in the sand!" I sense that Rider is much better on the mic than Davidson.
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

Summer's breasts are truly frightening - as is her vapid face - as is her unplacable accent and wooden delivery. She'll probably kill me now.
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

Another high ten and bump and they're *both* kinda creepin' me out now.
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

Funny to see the USA BLONDE hot sex line in the middle of the Beach Patrol match, isn't it? I mean, what are the odds of...eh whatever.
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 27.1.2001

This *must* be MY problem - I've never thought of exciting a woman by giving her the idea she may lose her hair. I'm gonna work on that - we'll see you NEXT week for HYPE CENTRAL!!
WOW Women of Wrestling #17 - 10.2.2001

Enough yuks - it's time for POSTERITY!
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

Strangely enough, the ad right before the show starts says "Are you ready for a Catfight?" Of course, it's not what you think - it's for the San Jose Sabercats Arena League season, which is starting pretty soon. Arena Football is kinda like the XFL, except it's indoors and not cold at all.
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

Poison's new entrance video is only hinted at, but the true whiff of cheese we caught at the pay-per-view goes unseen.
WOMEN OF WRESTLING #19 - 10.2.2001

"Her opponent...the Spitfire...Jaaaaaaade!" Hey, she's a *firey* spitfire, dammit! And really, is there any other kind?
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

Although long-time viewers of WOW already know there's no way in hell Jade can *possibly* pull out a victory, let's watch it together and find out.
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

Commentators fail to notice that Poison has a full head of hair - McLane is content to talk about Jade's grandmother instead.
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

And, hey, if those swimsuit pix aren't getting you humming, well, here's a word from EnerX. "Yeah, stamina's probably a good way to put it. Ha HA!"
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

David McLane visits Jeannie Buss - and stealthily swaps his bouquet for the nicer one at the receptionist's desk. He's so sneaky! I leave it to you if this vignette was better this week WITH sound - or better last week WITHOUT.
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

LEE MARSHALL regresses to a childhood memory that doesn't leave him in a happy place
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

Let me get this out of the way - GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY THOSE NIPPLES - whew, I feel refreshed.
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

Disciplinarian's gotta give it up - and YES! She does! Big win for the big headlights!
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

Hyde has her unhappy face on this week, and carries a doll body attached to Al Snow's Head.
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

How'd those two cameras get into Jeannie Buss' office? Don't ask.
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

Swimsuit clips - again - McLane promises the race is closer than "Bush vs. Gore!" Yeah, but the dead aren't voting in *this* contest...
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

Hmm, four 800 numbers in a row - tarot, sex, sex, lawyer - makes sense to me
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

Roxy Powers is *not* related to Jim Powers, by the way.
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

McLane promises some "behind the scenes" swimsuit action - for now, look at these swimsuit clips. Doesn't Ice Cold look SO SO happy to be there? Doesn't Sandy look SO much better than the creepy Summer? And how many times will they add swimsuit clips to this show tonight?
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

I guess I just can't figure out how the Phonics Game figures into the demographics for this show?? Now, FRY'S I can understand - I mean, there's probably a LOTTA geeks watching this show - that's the *perfect* Fry's demographic for sure. Come to think of it, I haven't been to Fry's in almost a week....hmmm...
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

In conclusion, Scott would have *hated* this segment because there was absolutely *no* wrestling in it. Also, I'm wondering if Lana's swimsuit was edible for some reason.
WOW Women of Wrestling #19 - 10.2.2001

This is Women of Wrestling #20, airing the weekend of 17.2.1

(taped 20.1) and for the next six weeks or so you'll have to get used to pre-PPV taped footage spliced together with post-PPV, post-production magic - don't worry, I'll try to help along when it's the most annoying.
WOW Women of Wrestling #20 - 17.2.2001

Benny Hill should SPIN IN HIS GRAVE for all I have to see his ads - come to think of it, *that's* a video I'd probably BUY!
WOW Women of Wrestling #20 - 17.2.2001

"Llllllladies and gentlemen, introducing from the Amazon RAIN forest, it's Jungle Grrrl!" She's wearing some baby's breath in her hair - there's a lot of baby's breath growing out in the Amazon rain forest, you know.
WOW Women of Wrestling #20 - 17.2.2001

It's the Queen of the Splash vs. the Queen of the missile drop, says McLane. What's a missile drop, says CRZ.
WOW Women of Wrestling #20 - 17.2.2001

"Did Jungle Grrrl wanna become the Queen of England by defeating Jane Blond? We'll find out!" McLane needs to either cut the dosage - or increase it.
WOW Women of Wrestling #20 - 17.2.2001

"ROXY POWERS, just in a few short weeks, you've taken the nation by storm, the fans are admiring your athletic ability!" I think he means they're admiring her *headlights.*
WOW Women of Wrestling #20 - 17.2.2001

Dunk shoves him away (instant face turn!!), ducks a swing from Powers - choke - ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM! And then she gives one to Josh Milton (who sells it better - how sad).
WOW Women of Wrestling #20 - 17.2.2001

She removes Milton's belt and starts WHIPPIN' Powers - hmm, *I'm* not into it, but I'll bet *some* people are really turned on right now.
WOW Women of Wrestling #20 - 17.2.2001

SUPER wedgie just for fun...and here's that powerbomb. Hand between the boobies - 1, 2, 3! (5:06)
WOW Women of Wrestling #20 - 17.2.2001

Wanna have some fun? Listen for an overdub on the next intro.
WOW Women of Wrestling #20 - 17.2.2001

McLane says Caged Heat made it through "over sixteen teams" to win the titles...McLane may think that twelve is IN FACT over sixteen - who can say.
WOW Women of Wrestling #20 - 17.2.2001

In the Media Room, a funny story I forgot to tell you was one of the three asked what time it was, and without missing a beat, the other two quickly answered "Hard time!" even though she legitimately wanted to know what time it was. Well, maybe you had to be there...or maybe I had to tell the story closer to when it actually happened.
WOW Women of Wrestling #20 - 17.2.2001

Poison sticks out her tongue - her way of saying "no, you shan't see the rest of my entrance video tonight, and you won't until my hair (blonde) matches the video (yellow).
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

Scoop...and a slam. Wow, lookit her nipple!
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

Poor, poor Heather and her super wet white tank top and her left nipple...oops.
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

A stretch Hummer pulls up backstage - OH MY GOD BISCHOFF AND KIDMAN ARE DRIVING IT - Slam Dunk exits.
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

Lotus into the ropes - wicked sidewalk slam gets 2. (LEE MARSHALL tries to call a 3 even though it's only a minute in - well, it *is* the Asian Invasion after all)
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

"I am Slam Dunk!" Thanks for sharing!
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

McLane talks about "Women of Wrestling" magazine - anybody seen it, or is it a figment of McLane's low-budget imagination?
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

Ahh, yes, I think it's in the old NWA rulebook that all matches end with the face tapping turnbuckles right behind the heel.
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

So they put her in the van and drive her all the way from Nevada....so she can stay in cuffs backstage holding the belts? That's a s-t-r-e-t-c-h.
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

McLane says Cali is a big favourite of his brother, John. Marshall fails to ask him if he was the guy in the "Die Hard" trilogy, but oh well.
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

We are introduced to JEANNIE BUSS on third headset - she's a big fan of the felons, you know.
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

But they're not done - there's Hard Time for Boom Boom! (I thought that was a driveby? Oh, who can remember.)
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

Thug points to her tattoo again. You'd rather kiss a rattlesnake than look at that tattoo...
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

Gold actually breaks the count - man, who *wouldn't* want to win by countout?
WOW Women of Wrestling #21 - 24.2.2001

Wheels with the standard "do me" pose on the top turnbuckle - vroom vroom!
WOW Women of Wrestling #22 - 3.3.2001

Summer, recall, is the *creepy* half of the Beach Patrol, and the one equipped with her own personal flotation device already built-in.
WOW Women of Wrestling #22 - 3.3.2001

Beckie fosters a chant - by the way, you may not know this to look at her, but Beckie will hug at the drop of a hat.
WOW Women of Wrestling #22 - 3.3.2001

Going for the Whatever We're Calling the Pedigree For Her but Beckie upends her with a backdrop!
WOW Women of Wrestling #22 - 3.3.2001

Everybody's been talking about it - everybody's been wanting to know - the winner of the Venus Swimwear competition is........is...........is........ the Fabulous Lana Star! It was a "last minute surge of votes" that put her over the top - make your own "last minute surge" joke here if you're so inclined.
WOW Women of Wrestling #22 - 3.3.2001

Discussing men's sexual behaviour is always a sensitive topic...except in this here ad for EnerX
WOW Women of Wrestling #22 - 3.3.2001

This match has NO business being on this show, but I guess we can admire the Wedgie competition and make some more jokes about Jade dishonouring her family once again when she eventually loses.
WOW Women of Wrestling #22 - 3.3.2001

Thug with a short clothesline - Billie with a rapidly developing wedgie.
WOW Women of Wrestling #22 - 3.3.2001

WCW

It's a brand new year but the same ol' NITRO!
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

Let Us Take You Back To An Errant Kabong.
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

Play his music! And I think he just told him his mother sucks!
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

Just in case you start to cheer Shane as the face, they play "Sing Along with 3 Count," just to tear your heart apart.
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

Average White Band calling, they want you to Pick Up the Pieces - 1, 2, 3.
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

That movie "Snatch" - it isn't what I *think* it's about, is it?
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

Awesome tosses Storm a chair (you knew Mike Awesome joined Team Canada, right? I know, I'm depressed about it, too)
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

Back in the ring, Storm tries to powerbomb Kidman (IS HE DAFT?)
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

In two weeks, Nitro will air on Tuesday! HEY! They FINALLY learned how to tell us these things AHEAD OF TIME!
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

Sid's wearing....jeans with kneepads and boots over them? Please alert the fashion police!
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

TERRY FUNK is out - he's actually using the hardcore championship belt to hold up his pants!
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

The following segment, paid for by Jimmy Hart, will continue to be ignored until SOMEBODY comes to their senses and keeps it off the air
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

Page with a DDT counter out of...something. Oh, a hiptoss. Oy.
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

It doesn't HAVE to make sense because IT'S WCW!
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

Two weeks from tonight, "The Pretender 2001" pre-empts Nitro. Man, "CHiPs '99" NEVER got to pre-empt Nitro
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

Lance Storm T-shirt.....eh, fuck it
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: WHITE THUNDER (with Midajah) v. JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET - Champ enters first because....umm....so he could chat with us before the break.
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

SID VISCOUS is out...ah hell.
WCW Nitro 8.1.2001

EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE post-PPV shows what you and I had to put together on our own because they ran out of PPV time: Ric Flair orchestrated everything behind the scenes. Fortunately, they did a pretty good job of spelling it out with the story elements all night - just too bad the *paying* customers didn't get a *payoff*.
WCW Nitro 15.1.2001

Because WCW is *nothing* without an inappropriate segue...
WCW Nitro 15.1.2001

The Wolfpack theme interrupts the soundtrack at this point and KEVIN NASH is out. Why are the commentators so sure he's not WITH them? Oh well.
WCW Nitro 15.1.2001

Crowbar is deep in thought, but we don't hear what he tells Daffney since we'd rather look at clips. Surprisingly, we get a better look at Crowbar's big balcony dive tonight for free than we did during the time we *paid* to see it, but them's the WCW production geniuses for ya. Missed the opening bell during the clips (see what I mean?)
WCW Nitro 15.1.2001

Next week, Nitro moves to Tuesday night! PLEASE watch! PLEASE!
WCW Nitro 15.1.2001

WCW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE: KRONI>| (with Sin clips) v. CHUCK PALUMBO & SEAN O'HAIRE (with TV-14-DL ratings box and "Nitro Tuesday" graphic) - in a shocking twist to keep you from watching RAW, the challengers enter first!
WCW Nitro 15.1.2001

KRONIK JOBS! ALERT THE MEDIA!
WCW Nitro 15.1.2001

Amazingly, we get a replay which shows us the Seantonbomb - heeeeey! Maybe I'm too hard on this crack production staff! ("Don't make me say CLEAR again")
WCW Nitro 15.1.2001

Moments Ago, Konnan killed off a perfectly fine mullet
WCW Nitro 15.1.2001

Jeff Jarrett T-shirt shill probably shouldn't start with "Hey, you can become a slapnut!"
WCW Nitro 15.1.2001

Leave it to Page to steal from Piper...and get it wrong.
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

Play "Theme from Wolfpac" again! Wrestling action may be NEXT!
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

Because when you think "tax refund," you think "Rufus & Chaka Khan"
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

MICHAEL "MIKE" MODEST v. "THE FALLEN ANGEL" CHRISTOPHER DANIELS - neither guy gets chyron, although I can hear the chyron sound effects...the conspiracy theorist in me says it's another subtle way of putting these guys down, while the realist in me says another typical WCW production glitch.
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

Now I feel as sorry for Sid Vicious as anybody (except maybe Arn Anderson) but at least we can all take comfort that he won't be around to screw up *this* match.
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

Ahh SHIT it's WHITE THUNDER & MIDAJAH come out to play the part of Sid Vicious, and all Silverman can do is call for the bell. (No contest? Relaxed DQ? 6:56) Here's a Fuck You Forearm for Daniels, Shit On the Fans Steinerline for Modest, Booking Bitch Blockbuster Suplex for each man, and nothing EVER changes with this company. Sure, they pay lip service to the cruiserweights and maybe they almost convinced some of us to believe it...right until they go ahead and *continue* to book them as inferiors with BULLSHIT like this. Nothing EVER changes with this company. Guess what - SHIT like THIS is what made everybody LEAVE in the FIRST place. What kind of DUMBASS bookers do you have to be if you fail to FIGURE THIS OUT....AGAIN? Here's your bonus - Steiner is passed a lead pipe, which he uses to "snap" a shin on each man, just to make sure we never see them again. Yeah, it'll be different THIS time. Jesus Christ, now I gotta sit through another 94 minutes of this show. Don't EVER think it'll get better because they'll ALWAYS find some other way to RUIN it. DAMN WCW SUCKS.
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

Leave it to WCW to end a long war with a match under two minutes. Nothing EVER changes with this company.
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

This is the first match as a team for the Paisans since....ah, who cares.
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

"This team is gelling right before our very eyes!" --the hell? I guess nobody else watches this show long enough to be offended by this rather blatant continuity breach.
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

Ten Punch Count Along because hey, who gets tired of counting to ten? NOBODY.
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

Steiner takes it to O'Haire on the outside while Cat plays James Brown...and Ms. Jones plays Morris Day...and Rick Steiner plays...a white guy who can't dance.
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

Replay of the finish - hey, if it makes the 300 fans in the building happy, can I really complain about it?
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

May I predict that if WCW is still around in a year, that they'll STILL use this video of Chavo that says "NEW ATTITUDE" on it? And that we'll all make fun of it, too?
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

BUFF DADDY BAGWELL v. KEVIN NASH (with Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday) - well, at least they found some stripes for Luger during the break. Maybe he just didn't want to wear them earlier so we could still see his pec flex. On second thought, that's probably EXACTLY it. Tony says Luger made a big deal out of it during the break, but you and I know better.
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

KRONI>| are next, Page is back, ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL & JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET are out, we're all clustered up and it's TIME to go. Nothing EVER changes with this company.
WCW Nitro 23.1.2001

At this point, I'm supposed to say something about "psychology" or "transitions" but instead I'll say "at least Scott Steiner didn't come out to ruin it - baby steps."
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

Those of you who would think of writing me to complain that I didn't give this match a glowing description of unearthly goodness while simultaneously going ga-ga for Rikishi and Haku teaming up are probably wasting your time. Will you remember ANYTHING about this match in a year? In THREE months? Next WEEK?
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

Cat steals a water and smites Stasiak with it.
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

Hearing some sinster laughter, Wall perks up... but misses the oncoming case shoved by Hugh Morrus. You should have seen it coming - he should have known it was coming - hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! Morrus has got his Frank Gorshin DOWN, man!
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

Earlier Tonight, DDP had a very special book signing. He got about as many people as "Positively" Kanyon..well, maybe a few more.
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

Meanwhile, a black Hummer pulls up...aw geez...a *Hummer*?
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

Flair makes sure Dustin sees him kick him in the nuts this time (or he does it for real) - *this* time Rhodes sells it.
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

oh lord, it's ECW's DUSTY RHODES come back to kill us all.
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

Can Nikita Koloff be far behind? I mean, with no Goldberg, it seems like it'd be the perfect time to bring him back...
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

The 1-800-COL-LECT replay is of Dustin no-selling about five uppernuts...and Flair failing to no-sell a really old, fat elbow.
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

Daffney tries to lead a chant - I don't hear anybody else, but who could with her voice?
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

WCW Magazine ad - in case I didn't notice it last week, I'll note that the picture of Goldberg wearing the WCW Magazine T-shirt has been replaced with the old one of Miss Hancock - no, sorry, that's DDP
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

Tony goes ahead and says "swerve" for our benefit.
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

Steiner catches the kick, ducks the enzuigiri and goes for...the knee in the ass? No, apparently this is some kind of wacky submission move ONLY Rick Steiner can do - Douglas decides to spare him trying to figure it out and grabs the rope. Hudson offers an STF - maybe he meant "Steiner's Truly Fucked for attempting to put on this move."
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

Schiavone suggests renaming the Death Valley Driver the "Steiner Driver." Why, did a Steiner die?
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

Hey! ACHTUNG ACHTUNG HIER IST ALEX WRIGHT has the stripes (of course, the ribs are wrapped *over* the shirt for the benefit of our storyline understanding)
WCW Nitro 29.1.2001

"You know, this started off kinda funny - it's gettin' real pathetic." Well he's half right.
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

How smug you were when you wrote me. "Oh, but they *signed* Daniels and Modest! Things are getting better and you're WRONG. They're going to get it *right* this time - the cruiserweights will be *protected.*" How SMUG you were. Listen, do you think I'm HAPPY that I'm right? Do think I LIKE the fact that I can call WCW demolishing the credibility of their light heavyweight division a mile and a week away? Hell, ANYBODY can do it at this point. But somebody is convinced that this is the way to book it - sure, the World Heavyweight champion has *no problem* tossing around four cruiserweights - what they're doing in the same ring to begin with....hell with it. It's a waste of my time.
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

I'm not even *talking* about the WWF - if you can't defend WCW actions without bringing the WWF into it, you don't really have any business trying to defend WCW in the first place.
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

Triple stack Steiner Recliner on Karagias, Kaz and Knoble - wow, Steiner involved with a KKK, who'da thunk it.
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

Here's some replays. Up yours.
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

Boy, this show just FLIES when I don't care about it...
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

These guys are *still* gonna wrestle at SuperBrawl Revenge? I guess people who actually buy pay-per-views *are* idiots.
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where ECW's Dusty Rhodes ruined Tex Slazenger's chances of ever making it to WWF television - why put up a funny imitation when the real thing is still hamming it up on the other station?
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

Two things to say - first of all, if his title is REALLY important to him, Steiner should just drop down and let Page pin him in 0:03 - then he'll be fresh for the title match. Of course, he should have done that in the first match as well, but that's not the way we deal with cruiserweights here in WCW. Which leads to my second question: what will it say when/if Page meets with more success against Steiner than did four cruiserweights?
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

Poor Kanyon - everybody changes the channel and he comes out a minute later.
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

Nino is a guy in a mask and black body suit. Hey, maybe it's Raven's girlfriend! Probably not.
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

"What a swerve that was!" Yeah, I liked the part where he got his ass completely kicked for several minutes but managed to win anyway, because it made so much sense.
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

I leave it to you to decide whether it was worth sitting through the rest of the show just for this one match.
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

BUFF DADDY BAGWELL v. BRIAN ADAMS (Kids wanna ROCK!) - Now I'll give you a Brian Adams interview transcription, but I think expecting play-by-play on *this* match is probably just a little too unrealistic an expectation to carry. Let's just jump to the outside interference, shall we? Can you believe we had to sit through five minutes of this first?
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

Now, normally I'd complain about the inaccurate timing, but let's face it: another four minutes of these two would have killed us all.
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

MESH HEAD MUSH MOUTH (with Midajah & Earlier Tonight & Scott Steiner T-shirt wcwgear.com ad) v. KEVIN NASH & ? - the crowd wants Goldberg, the smarky smarks want Scott Hall. I have a feeling, as Nash takes to the mic, that they'll all be disappointed. (I personally am holding out for SAVIO VEGA!)
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

He's got a chair - he swings - and we fade out. Does anybody care? Does *anybody* care?
WCW Nitro 5.2.2001

Rhodes whispers to himself (and the camera) "Oh, this is gonna be fun - it's GOOOOD to have Kevin Nash as a buddy." I refrain from checking my ironyometer.
WCW Nitro 12.2.2001

Stasiak is probably the *worst* interview in WCW right now - he's not even good enough for me to transcribe for posterity.
WCW Nitro 12.2.2001

It's seven to the hour...looks like they'll once again manage to time it perfectly and have this match end just in time for RAW to start. But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself...let's find out together.
WCW Nitro 12.2.2001

Right, right, right, flip, flop, grab the penis, double axe handle. Rhodes needs to PUT that thing away. Sheesh.
WCW Nitro 12.2.2001

Ref shoved into Rhodes - and Steiner sneaks in a giant kick to the jimmy (hmm, HE noticed, too) as Silverman's back is turned.
WCW Nitro 12.2.2001

Here's a Special Video Look at the Long History Between Diamond Dallas Page and Kanyon - wow, there's a lot more old Russo crap in this package than I would have like to have been reminded of...
WCW Nitro 12.2.2001

I think BOTH men were pulling the tights. How confusing!
WCW Nitro 12.2.2001

HEY! Chuck Palumbo and Roxy Powers have the same hairdo!
WCW Nitro 12.2.2001

Did it look like the ol' heat machine was full force in full effect last night? The portion of the crowd *I* kept seeing was sitting on their hands while the soundtrack was REALLY excited...who knows.
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: This sucks. - Tony Schiavone, to close out last night's PPV (disclaimer: this quote just may be taken out of context)
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

For those of you keeping score at home, this is the SECOND pay-per-view in a row to run long, necessitating "cut" footage to open up Nitro... Hey, that's what happens when you give Hugh Morrus and the Wall ten minutes between the bells!
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

AND for the second month in a row, the funeral march plays over the PA as six pallbearers in black suits carry a closed casket to the ring as a "KEVIN NASH R.I.P - FEBRUARY 18, 2001" graphic appears on the Nitrotron. Poor WCW once again has the misfortune of booking this angle one day after Dale Earnhardt dies.
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

So is it the Magnificent EIGHT now? Or is it Flair PLUS the Magnificent Seven? Ah, the problems of fluidic number space...
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Ms. Jones and Cat have a public chat for the benefit of our cameraman. She congratulates him for winning the commissionership again, and he thanks HER for being one of the three women not to get fired by WCW over the past few weeks. Well, he doesn't actually say that...
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Remember when Mike Awesome was heavyweight champion of the world? Hell, remember when Lance Storm had three belts? Well, nobody in WCW does!
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Tonight, he'll face the guy on the Nitrotron...and introduces - hey, that's Cesar Romero! No, wait, it's Hugh Morrus. Hey, I can see his fillings!
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

We look backstage to see that, yes, Konnan and Animal are having fun with various implements backstage, including the dreaded *empty cardboard box.*
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Tony reveals that we're in the von Braun Civic Center in Huntsville, AL 19.2.2001 and THIS is WCW Monday Nitro on TNT! (I wonder if jdw will find it all the way down here.)
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Chavo leapfrogs Kidman but Konnan gives him the facejam - rather, Chavo falls into a facejam and Konnan's all "yeah, that's what I meant to do" after a delay.
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

But Animal is back in...gutshot - HE *POWERBOMBED* KIDMAN! HE *POWERBOMBED* HIM! YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN BUT ROAD WARRIOR BY GOD ANIMAL JUST DID! ANIMAL *RULES*!!
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Bagwell asks the cameraman to c'mere...then he asks again...then he gets rather unhappy and starts making demands. I bet what he REALLY wants is to direct!
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Bagwell takes a powder. I wonder if he's thinking "it all went wrong for me when I stopped to pose..." no, he's probably thinking "it all went wrong for me when I couldn't have a positive enough attitude to make it in the WWF locker room."
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

OH BOY! BACK TO THE CHINLOCK!!!!!!!!!! WE'VE GOT ACTION!
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

OOOH YEAH! It's the Night that the Heels do Cool Stuff!
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Castrol Motor Oily provides the replay of Kanyon grabbing the ankle, Bagwell hitting the Blockbuster, and they won't show the replay of Jones getting hers because this is a *serious* moment, folks. "Fans, this is horrible." You said it, Tony. HORRIBLY COOL OF KANYON. (Hey Zed, are you some kinda misogynist or something?) Umm, misogy-what?
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Cat says he doesn't need him to fight his battles - he'll take care of Kanyon later. Nonetheless, he climbs into the ambulance, the doors close...then somebody laughs. Oops, she should have waited until ten seconds after the guy said "Clear" just to be safe!
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Amusing moment has Steiner whipping LeRoux into the front row of fans...and by "amusing," I mean "as amusing as you can get when served up a big ol' plate o' SQUASH." I think LeRoux got in *one* punch to the stomach in this match. Steiner is content to spend more time challenging ringside fans to face him than to battle his opponent. And, just for fun, Steiner *really* pours it on for the finish. (Three Spicolli Drivers -> pin 3:47) If you don't like him, you can bite him. Or you can say FUHFUHWID during the replays.
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Yikes! Mr. T for 1-800-COL-LECT? Which sign of the apocalypse is THAT?
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Danny Young checks on Lash LeRoux backstage...he's got something internal happening - wow, this guy acts better than Stephanie McMahon!
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

What do you think? Doing interviews without an interviewer: (a) innovative or (b) insane?
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

"Not the Zoo" finally kicks in and here he comes. That's it, baby, KEEP the memory of the First Family alive! The spirit of Lightningfoot Jerry Flynn FLOWS through you!
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Morrus starts up a "USA" chant but does not say "HOOOOO."
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Bionic Elbows all around, double noggin knocker times two, four-way slap, flip flop and groin - you know, this is actually a pretty good Rhodes impersonation. Between this and Sting, Jarrett may have found his calling.
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

The answer to your question - why did they hotshot this feud last night and now tonight - is Page is already bumped up to the match for the World Heavyweight championship, so suddenly we have to get THIS one out of the way. Make your own complaints about prior planning (and lack thereof) here.
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

A clean pin in the main event? Is this really NITRO?
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

The way things are going, it sure looks like it's gonna end like "Empire Strikes Back," with all the heels triumphant and the faces reduced to looking out a window, hoping for another movie so they can mount their comback...thing is, "Empire Strikes Back" was probably the best movie, so there are WORSE ways to go...
WCW Nitro 19.2.2001

Cat says in order to get at Chris Kanyon, he'll have to step down as commissioner. Then, he's gonna eat his ass like a pot of collard greens. Words fail me - as did logic to the Cat, seemingly.
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

Backstage, Konnan asks for the camera to be turned on.... then he talks to...an unseen presence to his right. I can almost hear the direction now: "For the love of GOD, don't look in the camera! DON'T LOOK IN THE CAMERA!" Why wouldn't they want them to look in the camera? I mean, if Konnan is addressing us, wouldn't he want to LOOK at US? Right? Why wouldn't they want them to look in the camera? I have no idea. You know who not looking into the camera is a trademark of....yup, Banks. He still got a job there?
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

O'Haire has the stick - hide the children:
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

O'Haire will get his pay docked for looking directly into the camera, by the way.
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

Moments Ago, Sean O'Haire said (and I'm guessing - no idea what he's saying)...
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

Highlight of this match is referee "Blind" Scott James repeatedly displaying his stripes to Rick Steiner as if to say "Hey, look, I'm wearing stripes."
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

Does ANY of this make you want to not turn the channel to RAW?
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

BOOKA T. runs out and cleans house, then he, Page and Cat clear the ring. Where'd Hugh Morrus go? WHOA T's let his hair get nappy, hasn't he?
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

Cat with a kick, right, right, into the ropes, kick, dancing, splits, uppercut. Didn't this guy just go seven minutes with Rick Steiner? No effect on him, huh? Okay.
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

Wow, this is like the most moves I've EVER seen Luger use.
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

Hot DAMN Booker T. is *still* the man. Good for him.
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

Man, what if they DID manage to keep the viewers with that great six-man match? Do you think they've sat through all this NON-match crap AFTERWARD? One step up, two steps back...
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

Kid Romeo vignette - the women like him, sure....but the GAY MEN like him even more!
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

Riki Rachtman takes us to Pardi Gras - with Fastball, wrestlers, Nitro Grrls, 1-800-COL-LECT, America (eh) Online, and if you hadn't changed the channel by now, THIS just might have pushed you over the edge.
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

When I get my hair cut, I'm gonna go with O'Haire's look, I think.
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

It's uncanny - Buff Bagwell is *still* charging stuff to Lee M. Cardholder's WCW MasterCard - how does he keep getting AWAY with that???
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

See the stars of WCW live - while you still can! Next Sunday, Johnson City!
WCW Nitro 26.2.2001

Steiner berates the fans for completing his catchphrase.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

This match is nontitle, oh so who cares then.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Wolverine Boots and Shoes bring you the Stomp of the Night - a crappy run-in, another crappy run-in, and an announced main event of epic proportions
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Unfortunately (fortunately?) he doesn't have the glowsticks with him for this entrance, but he *does* have pullapart pants...which I'm sure pisses off Buff Bagwell.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Hmm, Hudson name drops his old Centre Stage (and r.s.p-w) cohort Steven Prazak, who has an NWA Wildside connection to Styles & Paris - interesting. Kevin Bacon fits into this somewhere as well.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

As Skipper hits *another* pescado onto Styles, we see CHAVO GUERRERO JNR checking it out from the top of the ramp - oh, good, we didn't have enough going on with highspot after highspot, right?
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

O'Haire doesn't sound as goofy as he normally does...is that a positive or a negative?
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Witchblade is coming this summer on TNT - at this rate, it will be on in this timeslot, if you catch my drift.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

I know better than to call this match, but I'm already super late, so let's draw it out and see what happens.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Luger is approaching the magic number of TEN BIG MOVES this match!
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

I'm sorry but that was, as we in the business describe it, tres lame. Bagwell *does* get a Buff Blockbuster on O'Haire after the bell, but it all seems so meaningless now. Okay, play his music, we're moving on.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Here's a Special Video Look at Clemson, where apparently *nothing* is happening - I mean, those parties cost MONEY, folks.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Outside, a black limousine pulls into the arena - dig that crazy pair of cameraman legs reflected in the front license plate.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Inside, Kanyon thanks Shawn Stasiak for the ride to the hospital - he's apparently going to visit Ms. Jones (what, she travels from hospital to hospital?)
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Meanwhile, Chavo Guerrero Jr. talks to....hell, I have no idea. Somebody just off camera who says nothing and could very well not exist. Or maybe they're propping up Okerlund's corpse but it's too grisly to put in the camera shot.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Tony tells us this is a big moment in Nitro, and surely he'd know, right?
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Of course, it's a man in Rhodes mask, black hat, and plenty of padding. "Fans, I apologise - I really do." What, there's no wolf, Tone?
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Hmmm, the "American Dream" ripoff *does* play - well here *is* ECW's DUSTY RHODES - three people are marking out - two are in Tennessee, and the other one is in Rhode Island.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Tony: "If there's a bigger news item in all of wrestling, I'd like to see it, Scott Hudson!" I guess he must have missed Paul Heyman on the other channel at roughly the same time. Oh well.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

This is a pay-per-view match, but since you wouldn't possibly be interested in paying to see it, here it is for free.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Helms decides it'd be a better idea to hit a tope onto Romeo & Skipper (You can almost see Skipper go "oh shit, better run up and catch that fool") than try for the pin.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Anyway, after copious interference that I'm too lazy to describe, mostly due to the infuriating performance by referee "Blind" Charles Robinson (who actually looks RIGHT AT Skipper in the ring at one point - OH COME ON), Guerrero sneaks in his brainbuster and scores the fall. Whoopee! (4:57)
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

LATER TONIGHT... DDP and Booker T. vs. the Steiner Brothers - hello? Anybody still out there?
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

RIKI RACHTMAN parties with ... Gran Turino? No, I don't care - in fact, I think I'm PURPOSELY misspelling it so *don't* bother to write me with a correction because I DON'T CARE and you need to GET A LIFE and and and
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Cat shows up at this point (he must always walk around shirtless)
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Then Cat...defibrulates his ass. Fortunately, although he's touching Jones, she feels no shock at all. Cat advances on the camerman demanding the tape...and we're mercifully out. Damn, I mean if it's not even funny when it's *Austin and McMahon...*
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Tony: "I'm sorry you had to sit through (the previous segment)" - sure, he apologises for Kanyon in the hospital but not Rhodes in the ring. He apologises for Kanyon in the hospital but not Romeo & Skipper destroying a perfectly good match.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Remember when Scott Steiner had *four* women accompanying him to ringside? It's almost kinda *sad* to see him with zero women these days...well, not really.
WCW Nitro 5.3.2001

Rhodes is gonna pose to the crowd until somebody stops him from hitting this kick - well shut my mouth, all that stalling and he STILL hit it.
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Well, it turns out that Buff Bagwell has the Kidcam or something, since we go to a feed from his camera - have YOU ever found a camera that actually HAS that crosshairs, frame, and "RECORD" in the corner with a red light?
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Tony says we have a direct feed to Buff's camera and we'll watch segments of his "documentary" from time to time. It would just KILL these guys to just have plain ol' backstage interviews
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Rumours abound that the new owners of WCW will be here TONIGHT! HAAA HA HA HA HA HA - anyway, they show three empty seats and a secret serviceman nearby, waiting for someone to occupy them...
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's not a Primetime match without Stevie Ray saying "Primetime" three or four times a second.
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

This could be our only chance to have a decent match tonight - let's savour the moment.
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Given the chance to appreciate these moves, we could really be impressed, but everything has to happen in two seconds around here...
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Skipper & Romeo have a spontaneous "who can do a fruitier dance" contest - I gotta give it to Primetime.
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

HUGH MORRUS & KONNAN run to the ring to do some housecleaning. I didn't know it was possible for a guy in a red headband to get along with a guy in a blue headband!
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

WOW! TWELVE HOURS OF "DIRTY DANCING!" I'LL MISS *ALLLLL* OF THEM!!
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

First, let me say that it may not have been possible for her to read her lines any faster OR flatter. Now, let me say that that's a ripoff of Mr. Perfect's music playing...which can only mean that it's a match made in "can't deliver a promo" heaven as SHAWN STASIAK walks out.
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

So Bigelow challenges him to a match at Greed. Man, that's GOTTA be worth at least THREE buys!
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Back for another look through Buff's camera - they play the tape...and somehow we MAGICALLY shift from watching the TV through Buff's camera to getting *the feed from the monitor* on our screens! One by one, they all leave the room - they actually call Animal "Joe" - ooh, shooty!
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

NAPPY T. is out to tell us what not to hate and what to hate.
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Off the ropes with a wacky neckbreaker. Did I say "wacky?" I meant "innovative."
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Buff Bagwell carries the power of the WCW MasterCard - hurry up and get it while you still can - while there's still a WCW! You know what's weird? Your choices here are the WCW logo, Goldberg, Sting, Nash and Bagwell. We've seen ONE of them TONIGHT. That's right - the guy in the ad!
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Hudson tries to put over the Security Cameras. How can he SLEEP at night?
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Commentators seem intent on selling the kissing of Dusty's ass as a legit stipulation...brrr.
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Flair vows that HIS ass will be kissed. Could we maybe go the whole pay-per-view with NEITHER man's ass kissed?
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Smooth makes a big show out of limping - and making a pained face while removing his jacket. I'm thinking this'll be a short match. Check that - a LONG, LONG limp to the ring...*then* a short match.
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Kanyon pretends to show fear - man, you gotta feel for the guy to be forced to be scared of this doofus. He lurches back down the aisle...this segment lasted about THREE HOURS
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

UP NEXT... DDP and Rick Steiner - God help us all.
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

Who attacked Midajah? We don't know. Why didn't the new owners show up? (Because there AREN'T any.) No, we don't know.
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

RICK WOOF WOOF v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE HAS CRAPPY MUSIC - BUT AT LEAST WE'LL ONLY HAVE TO HEAR IT ANOTHER TWO AND A HALF WEEKS in a nontitle match -
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL breaks it up - coughbullshitcough - (relaxed DQ 5:58)
WCW Nitro 12.3.2001

RIDDLE: Q: What limps and quacks? A: A lame duck
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

Either way, I've been completely vindicated. Those of you who have felt compelled to write me over the past year *swearing* that I was WRONG about WCW and if only I'd actually *watched* it and given it a chance, I'd see how wrong I was - well, you can try to convince me for two more weeks if you're that deluded, but after that I want think I deserve some friggin' props already. That's RIGHT - it's all about ME - ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME Okay, let's blow this off 'cause it'll all be done next week ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

A lone trumpet plays taps as a flag at half staff is shown - lest you be confused into thinking this salute is for WCW proper, a trailer park is superimposed on the picture (along with the TV-14-DL ratings box, closed captioned logo and a picture of Diamond Dallas Page)
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

"From seven hours of television to four," says I, "but I'll miss WOW more than WCW."
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

Last Night at Greed, Scott Steiner retained the gold - buy the encore Tuesday if you like, but skip the middle five matches if you want to stay awake
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

The cameraman, looking for Lex Luger, approaches a door "Yeah, this looks like Rick Steiner's room" - umm, he's looking for...oh, I'm confused. Anyway, it's Flair and Jarrett behind the door - who knows. "I don't need to be seeing this..." A CAMERAMAN WHO SPEAKS FOR ME!!!
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

Vertebraeker! Man, that looked VICIOUS. 1, 2, 3, of course. You don't get up from that - umm, will he get up from that?
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

Meanwhile, Bam Bam Bigelow talks to....somebody. Tonight he gets a rematch against Shawn Stasiak, and the woman won't be helping him *this* time. Geez, I didn't want to watch it LAST night.
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

STACY is out. "Next time I come out here, I deserve a bigger ovation from you people!" Next time you come out here, the show's OVER. She's like a Lana Star ripoff now, isn't she?
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

The rest of his speech gets relegated to the dustbin of history - as WCW itself soon will be...
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

NO MATTER HOW YOU SLICE IT, IT'S STILL MEAT v. TRIPPA B (with Let Us Take You Back to Greed) in a return bout - "What an ovation for Bam Bam Bigelow!" Patti Pizzazz tries to toss the hairspray to Lana Star, but Randi Rah Rah outsmarts him, then drops him with the *worst* version of Greetings from Asbury Park in recorded history for the 1, 2, 3 (1:44)
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

"All five titles on the line?" What happened to the hardcore title? What happened to the television title? What happened to the Women's cruiserweight title?
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

So if any former world heavyweight champions are invited, does that mean Chris Benoit is invited?
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

Remember last week when this was the semi-main? I don't think I'll bother with it *this* week, either.
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

So if any former world heavyweight champions are invited, does that mean Big Van Vader is invited?
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

Dusty says "stinkface." That reminds me, isn't some other show on?
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

RICK WOOF WOOF (with Let Us Take You Back to Greed) v. KONNAN - Come on, WCW - you aren't even TRYING.
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

At one point in this match, Steiner actually holds an armbar for *three straight hours*.
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

Holy smokes it's getting BAD, FAST. ("Getting?") Well, maybe I've been charitable with the visible light at the end of the tunnel.
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

So if any former world heavyweight champions are invited, does that mean Faarooq is invited?
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

Meanwhile, Storm & Awesome, being Canadian, talk to to the *left* of the cameraman as opposed to the *right.* Hmm, symbolic!
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

So if any former world heavyweight champions are invited, does that mean the Big Show is invited?
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

So if any former world heavyweight champions are invited, does that mean David Arquette is invited?
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

Sure enough, both men get run into the backside of the animal...and how fitting that that'll be the last thing we see this week. How WILL they top it next week?
WCW Nitro 19.3.2001

I GET LETTERS: Patrick wonders: ...if any former world heavyweight champions are invited... ...does that mean Vince Russo is invited? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say "naw."
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

THE CEO takes the long walk to the ring - what could *he* be thinking about all this? Probably something along the lines of "why couldn't I be at the Oscars when they kept playing my music?"
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

How ECW-esque is it to have the champion jerking the curtain?
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick (freshly shorn for the summer and/or getting a last freebie from the WCW barbershop) rings the bell and we're underway.
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

I hope YOU haven't been taking a drink every time Tony's said "fate of WCW is in his hands," 'cause you'd be DEAD by now.
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

That's a rather natty Hawaiian shirt worn by ring announcer DAVID PENZER, by the way.
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

I wonder if a Guerrero family reunion can be close behind - won't Hector be at WrestleMania?
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

Schiavone & Hudson wonder aloud about *their* job security - we can only hope!
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

Hey, didja notice they frontloaded this show with almost all of the title matches? Now it's okay for you to switch to RAW if you're a WWF fan, and if you're a WCW fan, you can stick around for the Flair/Sting match - feel it!
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

Bigelow's music interrupts Stasiak in mid-promo - thank heaven for small favours.
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

Ooh, it's getting REAL - Tony's voice actually *broke* there.
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

THE MAN (already in the ring) v. (THIS IS) STING...one last time... - No, this *isn't* the time to ask Sting where he's been and what's up with Scott Steiner taking him out, storyline wise. Steiner was gone after the opening match, and Sting might be gone after this one - just let it go, baby.
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

And the last moments of the final Nitro on TNT? A WrestleMania spot.
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

It was a great three years for me, but I think I'm more relieved than anything else that it's over. Hope I didn't disappoint you.
WCW Nitro 26.3.2001

WWF

Into the ropes...head down...Taker with a DDT! 1, 2, 3! (4:58) Hey....Samoans are supposed to have really...well, he *did* pop up, rather pissed off that his really hard head didn't get him up before the three count. Replay of the DDT - and the fall. I think we've all learned a valuable lesson: DON'T PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN.
RAW is WAR 1.1.2001

Oh yeah, have I mentioned that Stephanie can't act? ("Yeah, two paragraphs ago.") Oh, sorry. I wasn't sure I'd gotten that across yet.
RAW is WAR 1.1.2001

Triple H shills Weider's Dynamic Muscle Builder - what, did he give up on Metacuts? They were supposed to make you The Game, and super orange to boot!
RAW is WAR 1.1.2001

Well now "My Time" *does* play and out comes STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT in her backup blouse. Before you write, accusing me of NEVER saying anything nice about Stephanie, I'll offer "at least she took her damn hand off her damn hip."
RAW is WAR 1.1.2001

Hey! Somebody actually wins in their signature match! Alert the media!
RAW is WAR 1.1.2001

Benoit is about two armband adjustments away from having Dean Malenko's old WCW entrance *down*.
RAW is WAR 1.1.2001

Moments Ago, one paragraph ago. JESUS CHRIST GUYS DO YOU THINK WE'RE WATCHING SOME *OTHER* SHOW? YOU'RE UNOPPOSED THIS WEEK!
RAW is WAR 1.1.2001

Austin reverses it, right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, pretend I typed it seven or eight more times, I'm running late.
RAW is WAR 1.1.2001

Well, from no idea of what's on the show we go to knowing the main events of the next TWO shows - the big triple threat on Thursday leads to a "please come back and watch" WWF Championship match next Monday. So at least the *wrestling* part is taken care of... I guess the only question remaining is (when) will they try to repair the *storyline* part?
RAW is WAR 1.1.2001

Also, if they keep saying "Stephanie screwed Austin" I'm gonna get a VERY unpleasant mental picture in my head.
WWF SmackDown! 4.1.2001

Somebody should remind Jericho that Y2K is over and he risks dating himself.
WWF SmackDown! 4.1.2001

Of course, the crowd chants "Austin!" But...but AUSTIN'S A DICK!
WWF SmackDown! 4.1.2001

Edge & Christian take turns making fun of Cole's hair - entirely deserved, too.
WWF SmackDown! 4.1.2001

You're watching SmackDown! And just one week away from the Sneak Preview of Gary & Mike! After all, giving a half hour to successfully launch a UPN comedy worked so well for "Shasta McNasty"
WWF SmackDown! 4.1.2001

I forget, is "nontitle" another way of saying "champ gets pinned?"
WWF SmackDown! 4.1.2001

Stephanie gets out of the door on the other side and attempts to give us a dramatic facial expression.
WWF SmackDown! 4.1.2001

and BILLIONAIRE VINCE makes his way out. He ain't smilin'. This'll either get much, MUCH better...or TEN TIMES WORSE.
WWF SMACKDOWN 4.1.2001

Earlier Tonight, Austin committed a heinous act - only, nobody calls it "heinous" but me. Hell, if Jim Ross were here, he'd probably be having orgasms all over my screen
WWF SmackDown! 4.1.2001

Earlier Tonight, CRZ took a nap instead of recapping SmackDown! It was the right choice.
WWF SmackDown! 4.1.2001

If you can tell me what happens next, YOU TOO can recap SMACKDOWN!
WWF SmackDown! 4.1.2001

I don't know - when *I* go to Subway, I don't see lots of fat people lining up for subs without cheese and mayo
WWF SmackDown! 4.1.2001

MEAN STREET POSSE v. TWO OTHER GUYS - Rodney & Pete "Gas" have *really* improved, but you've heard that before. Their finisher is Rodney's High Society from Pete's raised, inverted wheelbarrow, or body scissors, or...well, that's just a fancy way of saying "he held him up."
RAW is WAR 8.1.2001

At this point, half a dozen of the XFL (DEMON) CHEERLEADERS came out and took the front row right in front of me. I kept waiting for exciting things to happen so they'd stand up, since they were wearing leather pants and all.
RAW is WAR 8.1.2001

And here's a look at the lovely DEMONS CHEERLEADERS. I know you're wondering, so I'll tell you that through my extensive research...the one on the far right *definitely* has the nicest ass.
RAW is WAR 8.1.2001

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands in the mighty presence of the Rock! Oops, Pat Patterson just popped out of the Rock's dressing room....hey, wait a minute! PATTERSON JUST BROKE KAYFABE! BURN HIM!
RAW is WAR 8.1.2001

Hey! Here's a look at Lita in the shower - woo hoo! Malenko spies through the curtain...then pulls it back for us. Of course, she's got her back to us - hey, who wears a thong in the shower? Oh well.
RAW is WAR 8.1.2001

BALD VENIS v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN in a lumberjack match - it's a real disappointment that *nobody* outside the ring is wearing Foley flannel.
RAW is WAR 8.1.2001

WELL IT'S KANE and RIKAZHMONEY (with RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV-CC boxes) v. "BLIND" JACK DOAN & "BLIND" TEDDY LONG and IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLL DOT COM in a handicap match - Refs get no entrance music - they wear standard "WWF Attitude - Come Get Some" basic black T-shirts. I take offense when Ross says "they're not athletes" - I wonder if THEY do.
RAW is WAR 8.1.2001

Rock is ready to start but referee "Blind" Tim White is adamant that Stephanie's directions be followed. I tried to start a "Teddy" chant but nobody went for it...except Jerry Lawler (!) I also suggested he give him the ol' "right hand over the top!" but he wasn't listening. Maybe if I'd have called him "Peanuthead," he'd have listened.
RAW is WAR 8.1.2001

Jim Ross was very kind and shook my hand on his way out - a REAL handshake, not one o' them "I'll slap you as I walk by" deals, so I take back everything bad I've said about him ever. Well, most of it. Unfortunately, I washed my hand at the Jack in the Box before I ate dinner.
RAW is WAR 8.1.2001

The Rock is WALKING! *He* knows he doesn't have to arrive until after seventeen minutes of talking by other folks!
WWF SmackDown! 11.1.2001

WHOA - I MUST have the "Malcolm in the Middle" soundtrack! It has Baha Men! On second thought.....N'WAY WHOA - I MUST go to Subway, eat a sandwich and instantly drop fifteen pounds! Wait a minute... WHOA - I MUST go Greyhound because the creepy dog is IN MY HEAD - on second thought, perhaps I should stop being so susceptible to these advertisements Come to think of it, this Arrid ad isn't doing much for me Neither this Pep Boys ad - hey, I'm cured! WHOA but this Sportsmart Raiders ad is pretty cool Maybe I should comment on ALL these ads - hmm, Star Trek airs twice a night on UPN 44 - I got no beef with that Central Chevrolet - local car dealership ads suck Exterior of the Oakland Arena marquee - too bad the Golden State Warriors' slogan is "THUNDER by the bay" since this isn't Thunder - hey, wait! The ADS are over! Whew!
WWF SmackDown! 11.1.2001

By the way, "Gary & Mike" is NEXT! In case you've forgotten in the last five seconds, here's ANOTHER "Gary & Mike" ad
WWF SmackDown! 11.1.2001

Austin grabs the chair....and a mic. Hmmm. Guess it's (No contest 0:49) All that wrestling takes up PRECIOUS TALKING time, you know.
WWF SmackDown! 11.1.2001

Hardy Boyz eat another can of ravioli - aren't they full yet? Triple H shills Weider one more time - isn't he juiced yet?
WWF SMACKDOWN 11.1.2001

I'm not sure, but I *think* the lyrics to Rikishi's theme go "I'm a bad man / With a big ass"
WWF SmackDown! 11.1.2001

Straight into "Gary & Mike." It's a lot like "Shasta McNasty," but in claymation. So guess what - I skipped it. I mean, at least "The PJ's" had *Eddie Freakin' Murphy* - what's this one got? AHMET ZAPPA?
WWF SmackDown! 11.1.2001

Four matches, and one of them a non-starter? I guess it's been too long and tiring a week for me to complain 'cause I'm not really all that unhappy. They had to set up the Rumble undercard SOONER or later. Besides, we're all interested in *WCW* now, right? Right? Oh.
WWF SmackDown! 11.1.2001

THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT come out to Triple H's new theme, "Lemmy Been a Friend of Mine." Stephanie's hair is freshly heel-crimped, lest we forget which man is supposed to be considered de facto face in this heel/heel title matchup.
RAW is WAR 15.1.2001

Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Trish told Vince she's been bad, very bad, so bad she deserves a spanking. In response, Vince got CREEPY. Spank it!
RAW is WAR 15.1.2001

Dick Butkus pimps the XFL - it's REAL football. Later, he'll tell you that "My Two Dads" was REAL comedy.
RAW is WAR 15.1.2001

Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder. I'm *afraid* of getting muscles because all they'll do is push out the fat in front of them and make me look even BIGGER
RAW is WAR 15.1.2001

Moments Ago, Rock was waiting for Undertaker to get up so he could Rock Bottom him...too bad he wasn't watching the EntertainmentTron or he'd have seen his partner creep up behind him with the chokeslam. And there's a Last Ride. And there's Kane...staring.....so is Kane still a heel if he hooks back up with his half-brother? And when does the Show come back to get his revenge? And that's the Last Word! Big Boss Man raised the briefcase! The Executioners were Dwayne Gill and Barry Hardy! And I need some more medication!
RAW is WAR 15.1.2001

Meanwhile, Trish makes ready with the Yapapi strap-ation, DUDE Lawler says some form of "spank" about a hundred times in three seconds.
RAW is WAR 15.1.2001

Before the beating can continue until Lawler's morale improves, KING KURT ANGLE is out to put a stop to all this nonsense. Trish says she still wants to come out for Kurt's match, but Kurt tells her not to worry - go back to the hotel and put some salve on that thing - rest up for the Rumble. He can handle Austin. "You go...ice that thing or whatever." Stratus keeps rubbing it, in the hopes that YOU'LL start rubbing...nah, I don't know. To WWF New York we go, where Tha 1 Billy Gunn is inside. They ask him how he feels about Chyna getting back in the ring on Sunday. He loves her to death, but he thinks it's too soon. She's not 100% and that worries him. But he'll be as supportive a gay best friend as he can be!
RAW IS WAR 15.1.2001

In conclusion, you're a big poo poo head.
WWF SmackDown! 18.1.2001

Stephanie, watching on a monitor, reacts to this with....I guess it's disgust.
WWF SmackDown! 18.1.2001

This match came about because....um.....they couldn't think of anything better to fill the time. And you know what? That's just fine.
WWF SmackDown! 18.1.2001

Stephanie ANGRILY chews on vegetables with dip because she's ANGRY.
WWF SmackDown! 18.1.2001

So.....Vince doesn't mind doing it in front of millions of viewers, but God forbid if *one road agent* sees it? I bet Madonna's EXACTLY the same way.
WWF SmackDown! 18.1.2001

Meanwhile, "My Time" plays and STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT hits the ring. She's got an entrance video now? NOW I'm frightened. By the way, her hair is straight tonight, so you can probably cheer her if you want.
WWF SmackDown! 18.1.2001

Well, before we get the end of what could probably have been an interesting line, here comes KING KURT ANGLE to *really* muddle - meddle - muddy - whatever, here he is.
WWF SmackDown! 18.1.2001

Stephanie tries really hard to make a Triple H sneer face...and succeeds about as well as you'd expect. Which is to say, "hardly."
WWF SmackDown! 18.1.2001

The King stands in the ring and - wait for it - introduces us to the XFL CHICAGO ENFORCERS CHEERLEADERS. I like to call this segment a "complete waste of time." ("What, that medication make your penis fall off?")
WWF SmackDown! 18.1.2001

The WWF registered over a million voters - and almost twenty of them voted!
WWF SmackDown! 18.1.2001

WELL IT'S KANE and RIKASHMONEY and KING KURT ANGLE (with Earlier Tonight) v. AD BREAK - HEY! HEY! RIGHT THERE! There are two guys moving the STEEL steps and I SAW IT I SAW IT I ACTUALLY SAW IT...whoa...I'm dizzy...my head...we'll be right back
WWF SMACKDOWN 18.1.2001

Hey, you know Kurt Angle, the WWF Champion? He was pinned *twice* this week...on Monday by Austin, and tonight by Rocky. With this fact fresh in our minds, I think we can extrapolate thusly: either it's a guarantee he *keeps* the title Sunday...or it's guaranteed he's *losing* the title this Sunday. Of course, if I TOLD you, it'd ruin the pay-per-view for you, so... I'll leave it to you to figure out which.
WWF SmackDown! 18.1.2001

THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT start out tonight's festivities - Triple H carries a sledgehammer and the look of a man who got pinned last night - the Smark told me this was Triple H's first pinfall loss since Abraham Lincoln held the championship, and I know better than to try to use *facts* to change his mind.
RAW IS WAR 22.1.2001

Test points to his armband, which has MORLEY written on it. Geez, did Val Venis die and nobody told us? ("No, his MOTHER did. Can't you show ANY sensitivity?") Oh. Well, let's move on, then.
RAW IS WAR 22.1.2001

And now, the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! From last night, clips of the ladder match - which show no appreciable burning that I can discern
RAW is WAR 22.1.2001

And now *Benoit* is asking Show where he was while he was getting pinned. That ain't too bright, but he *is* Canadian after all - ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. Play his music and WELCOME HIM BACK!! (Don't worry, I'll be back to making fun of his matches in a week or so.)
RAW is WAR 22.1.2001

WCW HARDCORE CHAMPION THEMONSTERHAKU is running down but it looks like he's gonna blow it - 1, 2, Rikishi is forced to kick out of Kane's finisher because Haku can't hit the ring in time to pull him away. That's not the way to make a good impression on your second night back, buddy.
RAW is WAR 22.1.2001

Lawler asks "what do you expect, to have a camera in Mr. McMahon's dressing room?" Umm, they seem to EVERY OTHER SHOW, King.
RAW is WAR 22.1.2001

And here's a Special Video Look at Drew Carey at the Rumble. Well, he can always become WCW World Heavyweight Champion.
RAW IS WAR 22.1.2001

Snow covers again - 1, 2, 3. Don't know what THAT was about, but Snow finally got it done. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion. (3:35) But a FIGURE IN BLACK emerges from a car, breaks a 2x4 over Snow's back and puts Raven on top...1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have the same hardcore champion. (0:12)
RAW is WAR 22.1.2001

Here's a look at Times Square...and WWF New York. Inside, K-Kwik and Too Cool...get rowdy. Boy THAT'D be worth paying to get in, wouldn't it?
RAW is WAR 22.1.2001

KING KURT ANGLE & TRISH STRATUS v. AD BREAK - you were WONDERING when they'd sneak in the ads to make up for having a fifteen minute segment an hour ago, weren't you? Weren't you? No? Oh.
RAW is WAR 22.1.2001

How come Vince never says "screw you" before saying "you're fired" anymore?
WWF SmackDown! 25.1.2001

The WWF Slam of the Week is presented by Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder - for people who think Stacker 2 is for WUSSES.
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.1.2001

Bradshaw exhibits visible annoyance with Hardy's "gay" - no, wait - let's say "floppy" dance.
WWF SmackDown! 25.1.2001

Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder. Wait...didn't Vince HATE Weider? Wasn't that the whole ICOPRO deal? Eh.
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.1.2001

Here's some stills of that ladder match. "Okay, YOU play Ciclope and I'LL play Silver King."
WWF SmackDown! 25.1.2001

IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLL DOT COM is coming out in a $500 shirt you will soon be able to buy on the Shop Zone, as it's got his logo all over it. If you buy this thing, I want you to send me a picture of you in it so I can put it on the World Wide Web and we can all laugh at you.
WWF SmackDown! 25.1.2001

Steve Austin is - WOW! - DRINKING COFFEE! LOOK OUT FOLKS!
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.1.2001

Let me let you in on a trade secret...close your ears if you're easily offended. Ready? Listen to me. It's a *codeword*, my friends. When they call K-Kwik "charismatic..." well that's their secret (until now!) way of saying he's "black."
WWF SmackDown! 25.1.2001

1, 2, Tazz kicks out. 'bout time for him to do something, isn't it?
WWF SmackDown! 25.1.2001

Is Test ready for this kinda push? Are WE?
WWF SmackDown! 25.1.2001

This month's WWF Fanatic Series presentation is "WWF Divas: Postcard from the Caribbean." I managed to miss EVERY showing of it. Oh well, I'll just find something else to masturbate to.
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.1.2001

RUFUS & CHAKA KHAN ARE STALKING ME
WWF SmackDown! 25.1.2001

Look! KEN "SNAKE" STABLER in the front row! He played in some *other* football league!
WWF SmackDown! 25.1.2001

Chyna shills Stacker 2. How scary!
RAW is WAR 29.1.2001

During the Break, Rock was attended to. "It's fine - I said, it's fine!" Angrily, he storms off - probably because he slipped and actually said "I" instead of "The Rock."
RAW is WAR 29.1.2001

Triple H tells his lawyer if he screws this up, he'll beat his ass. "And how am I supposed to trust your father? Are you sure on this?" "Hunter, calm down!" "I can't calm down!" Must be the Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder.
RAW is WAR 29.1.2001

During the Break, Austin rolled around on the mat. Ross: "And when Austin came to, I want you to look deep in the eyes of that Texas Rattlesnake, you stare deeply into those eyes, ladies and gentlemen, when Austin came to. This was shot during our commercial break, and by God, this will haunt you, perhaps for the rest of your days. Austin finally made his way back up, and when he does, you look right in those eyes, King, and you'll know exactly what I'm tellin' you." What may haunt ROSS for the rest of his days is we never got whatever the shot was that he was going on and on about.
RAW is WAR 29.1.2001

Director desperately tries to get a good job of Taker's bladejob...and doesn't meet with much success. Nice shot of that wet spot on his ass, though...
RAW is WAR 29.1.2001

You know what...this is LAST week's show. I have the wrong tape in the VCR. Sorry...lemme fix that.
WWF SmackDown! 1.2.2001

Chyna shills Stacker 2 - it doesn't do much for your neck...unless your neck is all fat and it needs some burning
WWF SMACKDOWN 1.2.2001

I hope you can properly imagine Stephanie's HIDEOUSLY melodramatic overacting here.
WWF SmackDown! 1.2.2001

That's either a new belt or Jericho has some KILLER belt shine.
WWF SmackDown! 1.2.2001

Richards is so angry he actually has to LOOSEN HIS TIE!
WWF SMACKDOWN 1.2.2001

ahhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. 1, 2, 3. And they said the standard garden variety "WWF Wrestling Challenge" SQUASH was dead! (5:04)
WWF SmackDown! 1.2.2001

THE FUN BROTHERS v. THE ISLANDERS 2001

in First Blood - ... Old school - don't know how it helps him bleed, but that might be why I'm not a wrestler.
WWF SmackDown! 1.2.2001

Kurt Angle is WALKING! Meanwhile, the Helmsleys are WALKING! Wonder what I'll say next? Meanwhile, the Rock is WALKING! I *knew* I'd say that.
WWF SmackDown! 1.2.2001

Austin heads up the ramp as Stephanie makes her one "mean" face. I bet she has a hand on her hip, too.
WWF SmackDown! 1.2.2001

Oh yeah....this show needed just one more thing: More Blackman.
WWF SmackDown! 1.2.2001

Guerrero puts the title belt over Jericho's face and Malenko and Saturn hold him down. FROG SPLASH ON HIS FACE!! Looks like the Last Great Mullet in Wrestling is back.
RAW is WAR 5.2.2001

But, alas, it's only STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT alone to provide response. I'd say something about her headlights, but of course I'm obsessed with her surgically-attached-to-her-hip left hand so I can't.
RAW is WAR 5.2.2001

In the mirror, we see William Regal looking on...and making funny faces. That mirror must be a funhouse mirror because it's making his chin look large and distorted - my first thought was "whoa, what's Antonio Inoki doing here?"
RAW is WAR 5.2.2001

Chyna shills Stacker 2 - gotta pay the bills *somehow!*
RAW IS WAR 5.2.2001

"You've been programmed into believing that nudity is dirty, and only appropriate when the lights are down. That's not living! That's not freedom! The Right to Nudity will finally break the shackles and allow us to be ourselves - our NAKED selves!" This just in: Mideon released.
RAW is WAR 5.2.2001

BILLIONAIRE VINCE wants to get a quick makeup for not having too much talkin' on LAST week's show, so out he comes.
WWF SmackDown! 8.2.2001

Chyna inhales some Stacker 2 - and it goes straight to her chest
WWF SmackDown! 8.2.2001

And now, Weider's Dynamic Gullibility Checker presents the WWF Slam of the Week!
WWF SmackDown! 8.2.2001

Aw, shit, the FUN BROTHERS are out to Kane's pyro and music to muck up this match. Aren't *I* the sucker for calling this match.
WWF SmackDown! 8.2.2001

We can only ponder the significance of the stuffed Frankenstein's monster that always seems to be riding in Raven's shopping cart o' plundah.
WWF SmackDown! 8.2.2001

Ivory put in the corner...looks like it's time for the broncobuster - the really, really slow broncobuster.
WWF SMACKDOWN 8.2.2001

Let's Take a Special Video Look at the XFL - or as I like to call it, FUHFUHWID
WWF SmackDown! 8.2.2001

XFL hype - again - HE HATE ADS
WWF SmackDown! 8.2.2001

Rios slaps the money out of his hand and says some more Spanish - I hit the SAP button to see if he'd speak English on that channel, but no.
WWF SmackDown! 8.2.2001

Rock comes back - right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT, Show still on his feet. Rock says "didn't you see me spit in my hand?" and does it again. Show STILL up - Rock's all "dammit, I SPIT IN MY FIST - GO DOWN ALREADY" - and the *third* spit punch *does* indeed put Show off his feet...and through the commentary table. But Rock is down as well - that took a lot (of saliva) out of him.
WWF SMACKDOWN 8.2.2001

I would give Earl Hebner a hundred dollars to get his ass back in the ring and count out both men....but that's just me.
WWF SMACKDOWN 8.2.2001

God only knows what Hebner was checking out at the time, but it definitely wasn't in the ring.
WWF SmackDown! 8.2.2001

Cole: "No one has *ever* kicked out of the People's Elbow!" Has Cole ever considered writing a book about wrestling?
WWF SMACKDOWN 8.2.2001

Only one problem...while Rock was going up, his leg clipped Hebner, thereby knocking him out for a million years.
WWF SMACKDOWN 8.2.2001

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: I wish we would get serious with our light heavyweights. - Jim Ross I don't know, JR..if you start saying it EVERY week, you just *might* start being seen as (i) a boy crying "Wolf" and/or (ii) completely full of shit. "Just one man's opinion, folks."
RAW is WAR 12.2.2001

Backstage, Edge & Christian tell Angle they're not gonna host Heat anymore - they're just gonna hunt down Carson Daly. "Yeah - that chumpstain was totally ducking us. You know who I'm talking about, the monotone guy with no charisma."
RAW is WAR 12.2.2001

Chyna shills Stacker 2 - there's a "Monkey Bone" joke in here somewhere, but damned if *I* can find it
RAW is WAR 12.2.2001

Buh Buh Ray remarks that being five-time champions only means you've lost the belts four times - let me take a minute and count this out on my fingers...hmm...well, he's close.
RAW is WAR 12.2.2001

THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Can't Act & Chyna's Book Debuts at #3 on the New York Times Bestseller List & RAW credits & TV-14-DLV-CC boxes) v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN - lookit Triple H hogging all the accompaniment! Lookit the way he HOLDS BACK Billy Gunn by bogarting the RAW credits AND the TV-14-DLV ratings box AND the Close Captioned box! That SNEAKY, CONNIVING, UNDERHANDED POLITICIAN!
RAW is WAR 12.2.2001

WOW listen to Gunn gasp. Gutshot, Pedigree - it's mercifully over. 1, 2, 3. (5:20) If Ross tries to use this match as an example of Gunn going five minutes, DON'T YOU BUY IT, MY FRIENDS.
RAW IS WAR 12.2.2001

Post-match, CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is out to work over X-Pac, and doing quite a job of it (LIONSAULT!), until...whoa! I'd recognise that scoliosis-laden profile anywhere - it's JUSTIN CREDIBLE!
RAW IS WAR 12.2.2001

The Rock is WALKING! Meanwhile, Rikishi is WALKING! Meanwhile, Triple H & Stephanie are WALKING! I wonder... YES! Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING! They're running out of hallways to put cameras!
RAW is WAR 12.2.2001

UPN celebrates Valentine's Week with "the Goddesses of Love." I think "goddess" must be a codeword for "fat chick."
WWF SMACKDOWN 15.2.2001

Do you suppose H ever thinks "this entrance is making me THIRSTY" while walking to ringside?
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands outside awaiting Steve Austin's arrival. Would you say he's a goddess of love?
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

Any CD with Kriss Kross *and* Another Bad Creation should probably be burned...or made eligible for sainthood...lemme work on that dilemma
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

Here's another look at Linda - no, this is not a still photo
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

Terri is modeling a lovely St. Val's Day red number - Matt seems oblivious (what, doesn't he like girls?)
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

NOW THE SHIRT'S OFF SQUEEEEEEEAL (nobody squeals for Saturn 'cause he came out shirtless, see)
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

Time once again for the Goddesses of Love...and Crash Holly (who has a last name in this clip). The bigger woman throws some cards to the ground so he has to bend over to pick them up so they can look at his ass. Normally, I'd go back and find a more aesthetically pleasing way to break up that previous sentence, but this sucks and I ain't spendin' ANY more time on it than is necessary.
WWF SMACKDOWN 15.2.2001

Austin with a kick to the gut, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, Benoit kicks, Austin right, Benoit kicks, kick, positions reversed, chop, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, Austin reverses back, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. These two are technically excellently technical and excellent! I give it A MILLION STARS, Tom!
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

Benoit with the kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. Chop, chop, right. Right. Kick, right, I hope I'm calling these moves correctly!
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

Austin with the death suplex - who had 2:05 in the "first wrestling manoeuvre" pool?
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

Benoit stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Years from now I may look back upon THIS match as "the finest I've ever called." This is the one for the time capsule, folks.
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

This is subtle - watch Austin refuse to give us the cameraman ONE good shot of his beet red chest.
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

XFL hype - no, John Avery is NOT a Lethal Weapon. STEVE BLACKMAN is a Lethal Weapon, friends.
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

BILLIONAIRE VINCE is in the ring *again?* Who gave him the sweet "top of the hour" segment? Oh, wait, he runs the company - HE probably did. (That's pretty smarky of you to say, isn't it?) No, see, when *I* say it, it's "quality analysis." (You're half right - it's "anal.") Hey, I don't let *you* in here to make the jokes. (You're just talking to me because you don't wanna recap a second fifteen minutes of McMahon! Now suck it up and get those fingers moving!)
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

...look, I love you guys and I FEEL for those of you who don't get this show and have to rely on me to glean what happened, but this segment is crap, and for once I can't be bothered to transcribe Vince's speech. Go read some other SmackDown! report - I'm assuming somebody else does them somewhere.
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

Before anything more can be said, STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT bounds out to the ring (trying to knock down an imaginary door with her head, looks like)
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

Golly, this whole segment was a heapin' helpin' o' SUCK.
WWF SMACKDOWN 15.2.2001

The Goddesses of Love pick a winner - I guess there was a contest to see who could best sing "Loving You" while embarrassing themselves the most. Why didn't *I* enter?
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

"William...that's brilliant. Thank you! Trish versus Steph at No Way Out - YUHHHHHH" and his head kinda starts bobbing like one of those dolls. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN ANGLE
WWF SMACKDOWN 15.2.2001

Are X-Pac and Credible holding hands? Yikes.
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

"WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" - how can it be "the Rock's solo recording debut" if Slick Rick is also on the track?
WWF SMACKDOWN 15.2.2001

By the way, Jim Korderas needs to club whoever was responsible for his photo in the "WrestleMania X-Seven" special magazine - he's not only got five o'clock shadow, he's got NINE o'clock shadow.
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

Kevin Kelly stands outside the Rock's door, ready for his weekly bitchslapping. Just to reinforce his character for our benefit, he picks his nose in full sight of the camera.
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

From RAW, Vince McMahon and William Regal do a pretty good job of burning Al Snow, dressed as Mankind. If I had been typing the RAW report tonight, I might have called it thusly: "Left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left." Fortunately for YOU, I didn't!
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

I'm telling ya, one day that Kevin Kelly is gonna SNAP - and I wanna be there when it happens.
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

All right, FINE. Here is the transcript of McMahon's speech to Linda. Under duress, I am. It's entirely possible that it's important we get this down for posterity - some plot point could be cleverly hidden in here and I just MAY be sorry later if I don't do it now. Still, I think it's a pretty crappy segment but what kind of recap would it be without every possible Vince transcription? All right, your disclaimers are out of the way. APPRECIATE ME, DAMMIT. SOME GUY YOU NEVER HEARD OF SAID I HAD NO TALENT AND NOW MY FEELINGS ARE HURT oookay, sorry.
WWF SmackDown! 15.2.2001

I GET LETTERS: Despite my best intentions to AVOID receiving a lot of mail on it, I received A LOT of mail from people willing and eager to tell me that "Arnold and the Gooch" was a "Diff'rent Strokes" reference - remind me to stop telling you I don't recognise pop references... No no, I mean, thanks for writing.
RAW is WAR 19.2.2001

Ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA almost spits out that Christian is one half of the tag team champions despite D-Von standing right in front of her wearing a big ol' gold belt, but somebody manages to scream "SHUT UP" in her ear before she finishes announcing "he is one half of the World Wrestling Federation-- Christian!"
RAW IS WAR 19.2.2001

LITA v. DEAN MALENKO - geez, he doesn't even come out with the Light Heavyweight belt anymore...but don't worry, fans, I hear that Jim Ross might include a sentence about "wishing we'd get our light heavyweight division going" this Friday in his Ross Report and THAT will make it ALLLLL better. You hear me, Ross? WE AIN'T BUYIN' THAT CRAP NO MORE!!
RAW is WAR 19.2.2001

Hardy back in to help Lita up - hugs all around - whoa, Matt just kissed her! On the lips! He IS straight after all!
RAW is WAR 19.2.2001

Now never mind that Tazz has *repeatedly* identified it on "Heat" as the Tongan Death Grip, but Ross insists on calling it a choke - and even after somebody says in his ear NOT to call it a choke, he keeps doing it. Ross really needs to watch some other shows. "Nothing but a choke in my estimation!" Damn, Ross, Haku needs to give you one and THEN you can say that shit.
RAW is WAR 19.2.2001

Moments Ago, I predicted that a "Moments Ago" clip would open the segment...but I do that EVERY segment.
RAW is WAR 19.2.2001

Ross asks Lawler if he thinks Foley has anything to do with Snow's campaign - dammit, if Ross can't be bothered to watch ANY show he's not on, somebody should *at least* be preparing him some bullet points so he stays up on what the hell's going on! I mean, that's just EMBARRASSING! I'm embarrassed FOR him! (Actually, I'll sleep like a baby tonight not thinking about it at all)
RAW IS WAR 19.2.2001

Austin pops open two beers and places them on the commentary table for Triple H to enjoy. H quivers some more. I think he's trying to give us "anger" here.
RAW is WAR 19.2.2001

Angle's song plays as lots of clips of Angle taking it to the Rock plays behind it. Surprisingly, there are *no* shots of Del Wilkes, the Patriot.
WWF SmackDown! 22.2.2001

BAN - ZAI - DRAWWWWWWWP. You can count to a hundred, but three will suffice.
WWF SmackDown! 22.2.2001

I'm not sure how you could forget during *this* ad break, but you're watching "WWF SmackDown!" on UPN - say, in this bumper...who's that guy next to X-Pac that looks just like the Road Dogg?
WWF SmackDown! 22.2.2001

ahhhhhhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAAAAAAAAAA(some day - wow he's hold him up there forEVER)AAAAAAAAAM.
WWF SmackDown! 22.2.2001

X-Pac has a smile and a hearty wave for Jericho...he's in a chipper mood because he knows that, by not competing in a singles match tonight, I won't be harping on him about not jobbing.
WWF SMACKDOWN 22.2.2001

Play his music and chop your crotch!
WWF SmackDown! 22.2.2001

WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: ERNEST MILLER DOT COM v. IVORY - Well, maybe it'll be short.
WWF SmackDown! 22.2.2001

Kat tackles her down, rams her head into the mat a few times, vertical suplex (!), field goal kick...monkey flips her out...hmm, she has more moves than the Rock!
WWF SmackDown! 22.2.2001

Hey! Team ECK is WALKING! Meanwhile, the Fun Brothers are WALKING! Meanwhile, the Rock is WALKING! Meanwhile, the No Way Out ad is WALKING! Meanwhile, the XFL cheerleaders shilling Stacker 2 are WALKING! Meanwhile, Kurt Angle shills SmackDown! 2 while he's WALKING! Moments Ago, somebody was WALKING! while Trish Stratus took it to Stephanie OH MY GOD I CAN'T STOP - WALKING! WALKING! WALKING! WALKING! WALKING!
WWF SmackDown! 22.2.2001

Anyway, the graphic don't lie - it's Trish Stratus vs. Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley at No Way Out. I like to call it the "making the frozen pizza" match
WWF SmackDown! 22.2.2001

DISCUSS: The WWF had *zero* five star matches in the nineties.
RAW is WAR 26.2.2001

NOTE TO JIM ROSS: Look, are you a *freakin' senior vice-president of the WWF* or not? "Well, shucks and golly, folks, I sure wish we'd ramp up our light-heavyweight division but it's just not happening." No, you don't. You wished you'd call major league football for a national network and you did. You wished that damn barbecue sauce would hit the markets and it did. If you *really* wished the WWF would ramp up the LH division, by God, you'd kick some asses and give some orders and it would HAPPEN. Just cut out the damn lip service...all you're doing is annoying me. And when I get annoyed, I start to bitch, and bitch and bitch in repetitive fashion until everyone ELSE is annoyed. Mind you, they get mostly annoyed at ME, but still...
RAW is WAR 26.2.2001

WWF LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: DEAN MALENKO (with Up Next on TNN: a Special Tribute to Somebody Who Died) v. TAKA MICHINUKU (as garbled by Lilian Garcia - with Funaki and a woman) - - Malenko remembered he still had that belt? The *committee* remembered he still had that belt? Holy cow.
RAW is WAR 26.2.2001

XFL cheerleaders shill Stacker 2 - or, with the ratings, is it Stacker 0.8?
RAW is WAR 26.2.2001

Raven tosses his jacket at ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA before she can screw up his name.
RAW is WAR 26.2.2001

"WrestleMania X-Seven" magazine ad - is it worth $9.99? Well, there's a mighty unattractive picture of Jim Korderas in there - maybe that's worth it.
RAW is WAR 26.2.2001

Lilian Garcia, standing in the ring the entire time, makes a grand total of *zero* ring introductions. Truly, this is her finest hour!
RAW is WAR 26.2.2001

Sign in crowd: OLYMPIC CHUP - what the hell is a chup?
WWF SMACKDOWN 1.3.2001

And now, Greyhound and that creepy dog in the jacket bring you the Overdrive of the Week!
WWF SmackDown! 1.3.2001

And now it's time for a little public display of affection - ooh yeah - give it to me - ooh - ooooooh - oh. Excuse me, I need some time to myself for a moment.
WWF SmackDown! 1.3.2001

Our commentators shill tomorrow's two hour block of God-awful claymation on UPN
WWF SmackDown! 1.3.2001

Let's Take a Special Video Look at the burgeoning feud between Jesse Ventura and Rusty Tillman. Remember, if you watch NBC on Saturday night, you're telling them that it's *okay* to "book" the XFL this way.
WWF SmackDown! 1.3.2001

XFL ad in the local slot, too. For Demons tickets, repeatedly bang your head into the nearest wall
WWF SmackDown! 1.3.2001

Q: Why would anybody on this *planet* pay $44.95 to see Holyfield/Ruiz 2? A: Don King is fleecing Latinos by playing up Ruiz' ethnicity (where's Phil Mushnick on THIS one?)
WWF SMACKDOWN 1.3.2001

Arm wringer - "old school!" PULL ON HIM KISHI - nope, Taker lands the vintage whatever.
WWF SmackDown! 1.3.2001

"JR likes pie." JR refers to himself in the third person?
WWF SMACKDOWN 1.3.2001

Here's a Very Special Video Look at the Wacky McMacky fam'ly, or as I like to call it, FUHFUHWID. Anyway, it culminated in the "dumpage" fun with Trish this most recent Monday - go read THAT report, though I'm not sure I say a whole lot more there either. Or go read the Jakked/Metal report - this'll probably clog up a segment over *there* this weekend as well. (Hey, shouldn't you notice that at least we hear Jerry Lawler's commentary in *this* segment?) Well.....yes, I guess so. But you're hurting my FUHFUHWID gag with all this extraneous commentary and analysis! (Do you think I *care*?) All right, you're through - out of the apartment for the rest of this show! (But it's RAINING outside!) I don't care - stay under the roof. There's a big stack of newspapers for you to read.
WWF SmackDown! 1.3.2001

WOW! Stone Cold Steve Austin! And he's (hey man, it's COLD out there) damn you, GET OUT OF MY REPORT
WWF SmackDown! 1.3.2001

Does it seem *weird* to listen to Heyman call him the Game? Does it seem weird to hear him talk about Rikishi & Haku? Will I find it weird the whole two hours?
RAW is WAR 5.3.2001

Where's my WRESTLING?
RAW is WAR 5.3.2001

Debra says she's sure he'll agree, but she'll go check. McMahon: "She's hot." Oh, PLEASE.
RAW is WAR 5.3.2001

"In a desperate attempt to increase ratings, the XFL will take you inside the cheerleaders' locker room!" Well...at least they're honest?
RAW is WAR 5.3.2001

Oh, good, I was just thinking "you know, the ONE THING that could make this even better is if they worked LINDA into it..."
WWF SMACKDOWN 8.3.2001

And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From RAW, Benoit boots Eddie with a headbutt...umm....boot...he boots...oh I dunno.
WWF SmackDown! 8.3.2001

Here's another look at the exterior of the MCI Center - I hear it's five cents a minute to use the can in there
WWF SmackDown! 8.3.2001

BILLIONAIRE VINCE is out - oh boy! Oh boy! OH BOY!
WWF SMACKDOWN 8.3.2001

"So again, I want you to keep in mind the mental state, the fragile mental state that my wife is in...so, without further ado, allow me to present my wife LINDA, accompanied by the beautiful TRISH." And here they are. It's the part Linda was BORN to play!
WWF SmackDown! 8.3.2001

Eat lunch with Kurt Angle - he *probably* won't try to break your ankle
WWF SmackDown! 8.3.2001

The other midget is in - gutshot! SUPLEX! Tazz can't stop laughing - me either.
WWF SmackDown! 8.3.2001

THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) are out to chew up some time - and this entrance will certainly do that.
WWF SmackDown! 8.3.2001

Kevin Kelly anxiously stands outside an exciting door!
WWF SMACKDOWN 8.3.2001

Haku rubs his belly as if to do Kamala's "hungry dance."
WWF SMACKDOWN 8.3.2001

Double Feature of the chairshot - and Rock's reaction when he realises that it don't work on him. Isn't Rock Samoan? I guess he's only part Samoan - and not the part with the hard head, yo.
WWF SMACKDOWN 8.3.2001

Rikishi twitches OLD SCHOOL STYLE, just in case his triple spin didn't sell it enough. I can see them before the match - "don't worry, Rock, I'll sell enough for BOTH of us!"
WWF SmackDown! 8.3.2001

Another limo pulls up in the parking lot - Mr. McMahon and Trish Stratus exit. McMahon suggests they go out to the ring and perform a "live Hollywood sex scene." She's up for it. So are we...well, maybe YOU are. I'm getting ready to downshift into "half-ass recappery."
RAW is WAR 12.3.2001

Paul Heyman is AWESOME. Up yours, Lawler! Get your ass to a strip club and shout "puppies" 'til you lose your voice - *I* don't miss you! This match RULED and the commentary RULED and the WWF RULES. On the other hand, Vince McMahon and Trish Stratus are WALKING! Maybe I'll take that last part back...we'll see...
RAW is WAR 12.3.2001

Kmart wants to send YOU to lunch with Kurt Angle at WrestleMania! After a tray of sandwiches with the crusts cut off, he'll break your ankle! Hit bluelight.com!
RAW is WAR 12.3.2001

Why mock me in private when you can do it in public?
WWF SMACKDOWN 15.3.2001

WCW: I can't wait until Monday - HA HA HA HA HA HA I WAS SAYING THIS A MONTH AGO AND *NO ONE* LISTENED TO ME HOW YA LIKE ME NOW CHUMP - oh sorry
WWF SmackDown! 15.3.2001

And now, the WWF Overdrive of the Week, brought to you by Greyhound! From RAW, Christian goes into overdrive when Buh Buh Ray - wait, Buh Buh Ray Dudley goes into overdrive when - no, D-Von's overdrive...umm...who knows.
WWF SmackDown! 15.3.2001

Our commentators attempt to make me care about the XFL again - I'm thinking about calling my local media and DEMANDING they NOT cover the XFL.
WWF SmackDown! 15.3.2001

Rock has found another camera to pace in front of!
WWF SMACKDOWN 15.3.2001

Steve Blackman! The master of deadpan!
WWF SmackDown! 15.3.2001

Buchanan still holding Blackman as Richards tries to come in with a chair - but Tazz leaves the commentary position and gives Richards the Tazzmission! PRAISE THE LORD, THEY LISTENED TO ALL THE PETITIONS!
WWF SmackDown! 15.3.2001

BLACKMAN IS FUNKY! I especially like the move he does where he bobs and points to Sexay. WHOA! MOONWALK! SPLITS! Spinning roundhouse kick! He's like the Cat, but white! IT'S PARTY TIME!
WWF SmackDown! 15.3.2001

Hey, MOTÖRHEAD is in the crowd! And haven't *they* aged well?
WWF SmackDown! 15.3.2001

TNN TAKES YOUR CALLS AND THEN CLUTTERS YOUR SCREEN WITH THEM: "Hey, Haku...ever thought about some styling gel?" Justin in Burlington, NC
RAW is WAR 19.3.2001

There's something *funny* about seeing Heyman in an XFL cap. (Funny strange or funny ha ha?) Well....just funny.
RAW is WAR 19.3.2001

'pac has new music. Here's a brief sample of the lyrics. "Yo / yo / yo / yo / yo / yo / yo / yo"
RAW is WAR 19.3.2001

Oh look here's THAT SLUT CHYNA come back to kill us all.
RAW IS WAR 19.3.2001

Thank God my biases rendering me ineffective won't matter in a week when there's only one game in town!
WWF SmackDown! 22.3.2001

Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo.
WWF SmackDown! 22.3.2001

Hey, guess who gets the pin - his name starts with "X."
WWF SMACKDOWN 22.3.2001

Steve Austin plays with a forklift - hey! You shouldn't drink beer and operate heavy machinery!
WWF SmackDown! 22.3.2001

What the heck is Bradshaw doing wearing a WHITE belt? Maybe he DOES pound ass...naaaaah
WWF SmackDown! 22.3.2001

Northern Lights Tazzplex - bridge - 1, 2, 3! Do the bookers have ADD? (0:52)
RAW is WAR 26.3.2001

Vince starts growling in a Barry White voice to Trish - I tried to listen to it, but it was out of my audible range. Sorry.
RAW IS WAR 26.3.2001

Boy, I'm getting an impression that since it's a week to WrestleMania AND there's a big WCW announcement oncoming, they don't even have to TRY tonight. On the other hand, maybe it's a magnanimous gesture on the part of McMahon to ensure we all watch the ENTIRE final Nitro. (Yeah, RIGHT.)
RAW is WAR 26.3.2001

Moments Ago, La Parka revealed himself as Diamond Dallas Page - no, wait... Heyman: "The Walls of Doink!"
RAW is WAR 26.3.2001

Backstage, Coachman has caught up to Debra outside the Rock's door. He asks if she can talk about the Rock's mindset (or Austin's)... Debra again says that now isn't a good time. Then a mysterious voice says "out"...and the tape stops! Wow, WCW is INFECTING them ALREADY!! This week, "out" - next week, "clear"
RAW is WAR 26.3.2001

Notice how he never says "World Championship Wrestling," only "WCW?" Notice how he never says "superstars" when referring to WCW, only "stars?" Subtle, that. Well....maybe not as subtle as you'd think. After all, *I* figured it out.
RAW is WAR 26.3.2001

Hey look who did the job - hint: not X-Pac. (3:37)
RAW is WAR 26.3.2001

Our hosts tell us what a memorable night it was. I find it memorable that we haven't had any sort of decent match yet...whoops, that trend will continue into this segment...
RAW is WAR 26.3.2001

Back in Vince's office, Vince...shakes his head - looks at the ceiling - and ANGRILY eats a bitter strawberry - then he spits - THIS IS THE WWF!
RAW is WAR 26.3.2001

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Earlier Tonight) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with WrestleMania.com logo) in a nontitle match - hey remember when Giant was protecting Jericho because the NWO was....no, neither do I.
RAW is WAR 26.3.2001

Three more beers in...Rock is back in...behind Austin...poised for - holy crap! ROCK JUST KICKED WHAMMED AND STUNNERED AUSTIN!
RAW is WAR 26.3.2001

Moments Ago, Stephanie made dogs howl
WWF SmackDown! 29.3.2001

During the Break, Taker asked the cops if they could stop for donuts on the way. No, REALLY.
WWF SmackDown! 29.3.2001

Shane sucks up to Billy Gunn, who sucks up right back.
WWF SMACKDOWN 29.3.2001

Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Mick Foley yadda yadda yadda - and when I say "yadda yadda yadda," what I mean is FUHFUHWID
WWF SMACKDOWN 29.3.2001

Let Us Take You Back to Monday - this time the clip package revolves around the main event tag team match - again I hit that special button that makes the pictures go faster.
WWF SmackDown! 29.3.2001

Moments Ago - friends don't let friends have rough toasting
WWF SmackDown! 29.3.2001

I think this is like the LONGEST AD BREAK IN THE WORLD
WWF SMACKDOWN 29.3.2001

Rock stands over Vince - Sharpshooter! Ring the fucking bell! Oh, no...sorry, wrong city.
RAW is WAR 2.4.2001

I think everyone owes the WWF an apology - that opening segment didn't last twenty minutes! It only lasted *seventeen!*
RAW IS WAR 2.4.2001

From WrestleMania, Chyna accepts a phone call from 1976 - Lynda Carter wants her outfit back
RAW is WAR 2.4.2001

Congratulations to Chris Jericho for managing to be the only man to hold onto his title at the end of the night - congratulations to Whoever the Light Heavyweight Champion is for dropping off the face of the earth with HIS title as well
RAW is WAR 2.4.2001

Let's see....forty minutes....one match...yeah, that's about right.
RAW is WAR 2.4.2001

Stephanie decides to remove her hands from her hips long enough to run up the ramp and bowl over Trish. ("Shane? Could you teach me that spear thing?")
RAW is WAR 2.4.2001

Back into the ring we go - gutshot by Stephanie, short clothesline, got BOTH straps - and now windmilling her about the assal area.
RAW is WAR 2.4.2001

Up to the second rope - she's gonna Vaderbomb her! - oh, no, Trish is gonna sweep her leg and Stephanie is going to very gently drape herself across the top buckle. Whip in the butt! Whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! (THERE'S a camera angle I don't ever need to see again)
RAW is WAR 2.4.2001

Gore #2. I don't know about you, but *I* am going to go start an online petition RIGHT NOW because it's not RIGHT when heavyweights squash the light heavyweight champion like that.
RAW is WAR 2.4.2001

You know a REAL bad habit that Ross has slipped into lately is he's REALLY started to enjoy saying "scoring with a..." while calling moves. See, he's NOT scoring - this here sport isn't SCORED. "They don't score it on points in this game, Ross." "Kane scoring with those right hands..." NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO STOP ROSS STOP STOP STOP STOP NO NO NO NOBODY IS SCORING WITH ANYTHING all right I'm done with that.
RAW is WAR 2.4.2001

Remember when I used to say "Right to Censor *always* win?" WrestleMania marked a paradigm shift - yes, a *paradigm shift* - now, the rule is "Right to Censor *always* get SQUASHED.
WWF SMACKDOWN 5.4.2001

BILLIONAIRE VINCE saunters out to "No Chance in Hell" and a rousing chorus of boos. I give 50/50 odds on Vince making a tasteless Timothy McVeigh comment. (Maybe you meant 100/0 odds on YOU making a tasteless--) Thaaat's enough.
WWF SmackDown! 5.4.2001

Hey, new Kane Stacker 2 ad! Kane rides a scooter! You know, I bet he actually goes out and DOES that in real life
WWF SmackDown! 5.4.2001

Post-match, CRASH punks out Rhyno from behind...but the whip into the ropes is reversed and *again* the light heavy champ gets gored. I can see they received my petition!
WWF SmackDown! 5.4.2001

Ahhh! Bill Kazmeier for Met-Rx! SCARY!
WWF SmackDown! 5.4.2001

Vince comically looks at his groin. Ho ho ho.
WWF SmackDown! 5.4.2001

In the corner, H climbs to the second rope and hits fifteen rights - crowd fails to count along - I think that makes him a heel.
WWF SmackDown! 5.4.2001

CRASH & MOLLY HOLLY (with Let Us Take You Back to Monday) v. RHYNO in a handicap match - No matter how you slice it, it's still SQUASH. Molly never gets in, making the Highlight of this match the wwf.com logo appearing and disappearing.
RAW is WAR 9.4.2001

Are Kirby and Jigglypuff related?
RAW is WAR 9.4.2001

Backstage, Linda is ready to head into her limo - but first, Lita catches up to her to let her know how inspiring she found the previous segment. Wow, didn't take HER long to suck up, eh?
RAW IS WAR 9.4.2001

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - ALL THREE OF 'EM v. THREE CRACKERS WITH MUSIC BY UNKLE CRACKER - yup, Team X Factor's new music was so great they've already replaced it with another version! Wahoo!
RAW IS WAR 9.4.2001

CHRIS BENOIT (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover &
RAW is WAR is brought to you by M&M's, FRAM!, and the JVC GigaTube) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO in a "we're mates - but not *those* kinda mates" match - also, the loser can't call himself "Chris" anymore - we're ready to go but there's an important missing ingredient in this match...the *screwjob waiting to happen*, so the lack of a zebra in the ring is remedied as the music of COMMISSIONER REGAL fires up - ha ha, YOU thought there'd be some WRESTLING tonight!
RAW is WAR 9.4.2001

Heyman *really* wants "Billion Dollar Princess" to get over as a catchphrase, but it ain't workin' with me.
RAW is WAR 9.4.2001

Credits, WWF logo, see ya Thursday...when it MIGHT be a good idea to start putting on some MATCHES once again...
RAW is WAR 9.4.2001

Meanwhile, Lita is a suckup...and you know what happens to suckups! (They become writers?)
WWF SmackDown! 12.4.2001

H needs to walk to the ring slower if he doesn't want to wait for EONS for that one part of the song to arrive so he can hit that apron spit pose.
WWF SmackDown! 12.4.2001

As if this entrance wasn't long ENOUGH, we now get one for STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN tacked onto the end of it. Well, it's either show this or show some wrestling, I suppose.
WWF SmackDown! 12.4.2001

Yow! Double stomp from the top! PERRO AGUAYO! PERRO AGUAYO! PERRO AGAUYO! ˇˇˇVIVA MEXICO!!! Got carried away - sorry.
WWF SMACKDOWN 12.4.2001

Looks like Spike's going for the Acid Drop-- (You know, they call it the "Dudley Dawg" now.) Well that's a STUPID name. ("Acid Drop" is better?) Well, hell, it's more of a "Drop" than a "Dawg," wouldn't you say? (Touche.)
WWF SmackDown! 12.4.2001

That girl that steals her father's car to drive to that party and then turns down the smokes - what's in her CUP? It's not ALCOHOL, is it?
WWF SmackDown! 12.4.2001

Scoop...carried across the ring - powerslam - hmm, Chyna *is* the British Bulldog!
WWF SmackDown! 12.4.2001

Chyna covers - 1, 2, 3. (longest 3:53 in history)
WWF SMACKDOWN 12.4.2001

You know, only the really GOOD matches have FIVE entrances.
WWF SmackDown! 12.4.2001

"Kane Items Or Less" is so amusing to me that I'm going to say it EVERY time even though I KNOW you're all tired of reading it
WWF SMACKDOWN 12.4.2001

Are all Canadians misogynists or what?
WWF SmackDown! 12.4.2001

With Test seated, Venis stands behind him, laces the right arm with HIS right arm, then uses his left leg to step over his left arm - then he stretches the pecs AND puts his free elbow into his neck. Remind me to ask Reverend Ray what the heck this thing is called tomorrow. Tazz helpfully offers "beautiful submission hold."
WWF SMACKDOWN 12.4.2001

Hardy put in the corner, but he stairsteps up and moonsaults off (you should have said "Whispers in the Wind") step off, fruity - 1, 2, NO!
WWF SmackDown! 12.4.2001

Hardy tries the barricade run, but H catches him and tries a powerslam. It doesn't work, but they play pretend.
WWF SmackDown! 12.4.2001

SELF-PROMOTION: To make up for not spending Easter with my family, I did Metal and Heat this week. Come to think of it, THAT'S not entirely true either. What, is this whole report going to be a vicious web of lies? That reminds me - gotta check the SportsLine stock price...
RAW is WAR 16.4.2001

Moments Ago, Debra's not a bad actress - Heyman gets off a good line: "I *abhor* female-on-male violence! It should NEVER air on television!"
RAW is WAR 16.4.2001

Answer me this: What exactly does UNCLE BEN know about PASTA?
RAW is WAR 16.4.2001

I think the scariest thing I saw in this ad for "A Knight's Tale" was this credit: "'We are the Champions' Performed by Robbie Williams + Queen" - brrrrrrrrrrr
RAW is WAR 16.4.2001

Crowd tried to anticipate the catchphrase - laugh at them!
RAW is WAR 16.4.2001

By the way, if anybody sniffs and scoffs and tells you "well, these two had a better match at the Pillman show," - and you KNOW they will - just smile and tell them "well, I'M happy *I* just had a chance to see *this* match - along with MILLIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE - ya damn snob. That match was EURO AWESOME."
RAW is WAR 16.4.2001

Test and Billy Gunn are WALKING! Test is jovial despite teaming up with The One.
RAW is WAR 16.4.2001

Should we blame the acting or the writing? Maybe a little from each column.
RAW is WAR 16.4.2001

Heyman tries to convince me (and the censor) that Show earlier said "goofs" by saying "Gooks! G-O-O-F-S, gooks!" - who knows, maybe he *did* and the WWF is gonna take it on the chin unnecessarily - of course, since they bleeped it, I have no way of knowing. All told, Heyman and Ross and Heyman said or spelled it eight times, so you know they were *really* worried about it. Anyway, let's listen to the gooks - GOOFS! GOOFS! I said GOOFS! Oh MAN I'm gonna get it now. Let's listen to the men from the rising sun.
RAW is WAR 16.4.2001

Rest in peace, Joey Ramone - may your legacy be hopefully SLIGHTLY better than "somebody called TNN after you died and told them you had pop"
RAW is WAR 16.4.2001

Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! - wait, did I already see this video package? At the very beginning of the show, maybe? Yes...yes, I did. (You're WEIRD. Didn't you see this MATCH on Thursday? Didn't you see this interview on Heat last night? Why don't you just bitch about that instead?) You know, you're just a CRUTCH. I can work just fine WITHOUT you. (Oh yeah? Let's see you TRY it, Poindexter. I step out for a segment and you're ALREADY making racist cracks)
RAW IS WAR 16.4.2001

Jeff EMOTES! "You're right...you're right...thanks." Matt *should* have said "and you can always get counted out or disqualified if things get REALLY tough" but *they don't go out like that!*
RAW is WAR 16.4.2001

WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Can't Act & Castrol presents Backlash & "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover) v. JEFF HARDY (with Lita) - instant prediction: Hardy by DQ after Triple H disembowels him.
RAW IS WAR 16.4.2001

Lita backs off as Austin slowly stalks... Oops, Triple H just got a pin somehow. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new, four-time intercontinental champion. (11:28)
RAW is WAR 16.4.2001

This was pretty wiggity weak, yo.
WWF SmackDown! 19.4.2001

Does Shane affix that "WCW 1" license plate himself to every limo he rents?
WWF SmackDown! 19.4.2001

Meanwhile, Molly Holly limbers up. JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up and asks her what she thinks her chances are against Chyna, coming up next. "Well, I think my chances are pretty fair. I mean, I may not be as big as Chyna, but I'm gonna go out there and do my best. You never know, Coach - (wink) you might be looking at the next women's champion." "Well good luck! Go get her!" I think he's sweet on her, I do.
WWF SmackDown! 19.4.2001

Meanwhile, Kevin Kelly's vacant gaze appears to ask "how come Coach gets to flirt with Molly while I'm waiting for Taker and Kane to fuck me up?"
WWF SmackDown! 19.4.2001

Will the XFL Championship be as exciting as this game? Only if Brian Bosworth is doing the commentary, JACK
WWF SmackDown! 19.4.2001

Commentators try very hard to get me interested in the Million Dollar Game....with any luck, it'll be raining, and raining hard.
WWF SmackDown! 19.4.2001

Kane only summons his flames with the right hand, 'cause he's SELLING, yo.
WWF SmackDown! 19.4.2001

"Heh - Kane, do you wanna see that one more time? I thought so. Let's roll that one more time." Pretend I cut and pasted that in again.
RAW is WAR 23.4.2001

The REFS are out but afraid to get in the ring. Too bad *they* don't have any friends to save them, right? Low blows for everybody!
RAW is WAR 23.4.2001

Holy cow, a TRIPLE Ultimate Cheeseburger at Jack in the Box? I need me some new arteries!
RAW is WAR 23.4.2001

Spike back in - but he gets gored. 1, 2, 3. (1:40) Sorry, I meant to say "GORE! GORE! GORE!" I'll work on that.
RAW is WAR 23.4.2001

WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER DOT COM (with Steven Richards & Backlash at WWFNY hype) v. KAI & TAI - Ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA gets close enough with "Michinuku." They show up, leave...and come back in Elway jerseys, swinging Broncos flags. I HATE them now.
RAW is WAR 23.4.2001

Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEYMAN - geez, Heyman, NICE SUIT
RAW is WAR 23.4.2001

But the music that plays...belongs to the HARDY BOYZ. Jeff keeps dancing after they've cut the music. Oops.
RAW is WAR 23.4.2001

Matt: "Hey! You guys are real brave all right. You wanna come out here and call out two guys that you jumped from behind? You wanna call somebody out? Well we're OUT!" I KNEW THEY WERE GAY oh wait that's probably not what he meant.
RAW is WAR 23.4.2001

CHRIS BENOIT and CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV-CC boxes - what, only THIS hour is close captioned?) v. COMMISSIONER REGAL & KING KURT ANGLE (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) in a submission match - Garcia: "The following is a tag team submission match, and it is scheduled for one......(wait, can I say fall? I better just trail off to be safe. CRZ's gonna be MEAN to me again)"
RAW is WAR 23.4.2001

ONATHAN COACHMAN leers at Trish Stratus - somehow, this turns into a "Divas in Hedonism" video ad - I wonder what Jacqueline thinks about the Coach chasin' after all them cracka hos? Oh no you didn't! Girl, PLEASE.
RAW is WAR 23.4.2001

Terri sure has a lovely pair....of Brett Somers' sunglasses on.
RAW is WAR 23.4.2001

Okay, I'm officially tired of that FRAM ad where the dude slaps his woman's ass before taking a piss. WASH YER DAMN HANDS ALREADY
RAW is WAR 23.4.2001

I urge you - please find another RAW recap *immediately*. You will NEVER be happy with me.
WWF SmackDown! 26.4.2001

By the way - of IGN Wrestling and CRZ, one is still providing you with results. I don't know what that means, but it means SOMETHING.
WWF SmackDown! 26.4.2001

This is a nice package and all, but it sure is looooooooooooooooong - about six and a half, looks like. You know what this package needs? That's right - LIMP BIZKIT
WWF SMACKDOWN 26.4.2001

Matt's kiss planted on Lita must have had too much tongue - we look at the crowd while it happens.
WWF SmackDown! 26.4.2001

HE CLOTHELSINED HIM OUT OF HIS NIFTY HAT!!!
WWF SmackDown! 26.4.2001

When UPN says "You can't imagine how it will end," is it wrong of me to think "why are they comparing the Voyager series finale to a WCW pay-per-view?"
WWF SmackDown! 26.4.2001

Well that was pointless to get all the props if all you're gonna do is PUNCH, isn't it?
WWF SmackDown! 26.4.2001

"Don't Try This at Home" PSA - pffft - remember, kids, if you DIE then the WWF won't ever get any more of your MONEY
WWF SmackDown! 26.4.2001

Check out the femullet!
WWF SmackDown! 26.4.2001

What *I* want to know is if any of my *gay* readers think it's really that gay...because, presumably, they'd be the best judge of that. Anybody want to take one for the team and drop me a line?
WWF SmackDown! 26.4.2001

I GET LETTERS: I know why you're all here - you want to hear from MY GAY READERS!!
RAW is WAR 30.4.2001

OKAY, FINE, I'LL ADDRESS THE "FEUD": I know that some hard feelings have come up lately, and I'm really not much of an online battler, despite what you may have heard otherwise. I want to diffuse the situation as soon as possible, and I figure the best way to do it is with a free unsolicited plug at the top (well, near the top) of the column, so hey! Why don't you all go visit the Smarks site **right now.** That's right! I'm giving in and capitulating - I'm FINALLY burying the hatchet and patching up ALL of my differences with... Al Isaacs. Go now - NOW - to www.smarks.tv and tell 'em CRZ sent ya! (Just *don't* sign up for their spam list.)
RAW is WAR 30.4.2001

X Factor - 1, 2, 3. Golly, X-Pac wins a singles match? Alert the media! (3:21)
RAW is WAR 30.4.2001

Talk turns to last night's Last Man Standing match. Courtesy: the encore, we look back to last night's Owen Hart Memorial Spot - of course, they switch to stills when it comes time to show the fall because (1) you have to PAY to see that and (2) Shane didn't really connect with Show anyway.
RAW is WAR 30.4.2001

But the music is interrupted... by "(Oh oh) WrestleMania," which can only mean one thing: LINDA McMAHON is set to appear - and here she is on the EntertainmentTron, from WWF New York. WAKE UP, LINDA! It's time to talk!
RAW is WAR 30.4.2001

Here's a Special Video Look of yesterday's premiere of "The Mummy Returns" - also known as the "stroke the Rock" segment
RAW IS WAR 30.4.2001

I *will* say that one cool thing about arena football is the fact that nobody bats an eye at a 62-57 score.
RAW is WAR 30.4.2001

TRISH DOT COM (with RC presents Judgment Day!) v. BAZOOKA JO(ANI)E DOT COM (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) in a nontitle bout - Trish tries a shoulderblock - Chyna doesn't move. Scooped up - Trish struggles back to her feet - but Chyna runs her into the turnbuckle. Kick, kick, kick kick kick kick. Whipped into the opposite corner - gutshot, press ... hold ... she ain't gettin' away this time ... and drop. Sablebomb. 1, 2, 3. I hear all the matches in GAEA are just like this. (1:24)
RAW is WAR 30.4.2001

This match (and that last comment) was a smark trap, by the way...
RAW is WAR 30.4.2001

Whoa! It's *Sting* on Monster Jam! I guess he *does* have a lotta free time...
RAW is WAR 30.4.2001

LAST MONDAY: Vince gulped. You know what's cool about all these highlights, though? For the most part, they're in and around that ring.
WWF SmackDown! 3.5.2001

Marilyn Manson's "The Fight Song" is my cue to bring the FUHFUHWID
WWF SmackDown! 3.5.2001

X-Pac jobs! Call your mom!
WWF SmackDown! 3.5.2001

Austin is *still* busting out "My name is Stone Cold Steve Austin" and I love it.
WWF SmackDown! 3.5.2001

H rolls the gurney back into the ambulance and *finally* they get the ambulance underway. Looks like SOMEBODY watched their old RAW tapes! (Who, the Undertaker or the writers?) Depends how "inside" you want me to be, I guess
WWF SmackDown! 3.5.2001

HEY! "7 Days" is back! Maybe this time I'll actually remember to WATCH it
WWF SmackDown! 3.5.2001

Moments Ago, Austin probably wishes he'd never commandeered an ambulance back in the day - who would have known the Undertaker was a student of history?
WWF SmackDown! 3.5.2001

Here's a Special Video Look at the "Mummy Returns" premiere - which I believe I also ignored on Monday - did Rock really refer to the character of the Scorpion King as "nonlinear?" What does that even MEAN?
WWF SmackDown! 3.5.2001

"Foley is Good" is on sale starting TUESDAY! My God, I'll bet you didn't think there were ENOUGH WWF items to spend your money on, wot?
WWF SmackDown! 3.5.2001

Moments Ago, I'm Vince McMahon, Dammit was laid out with one punch.
WWF SmackDown! 3.5.2001

I don't know what a Gundam is, but I've finally decided that all the people in this ad REALLY need to get a life
WWF SmackDown! 3.5.2001

Commentators update us on what's happened tonight, just in case we were watching some other show
WWF SmackDown! 3.5.2001

"Austin's back, and so is...RIKISHI." He's a bad man. How could the man who ran down Stone Cold suddenly be on his side? Well....Undertaker DID shove him off of the Hell in the Cell into a flatbed truck full of wood chips, and that can change a man.
WWF SMACKDOWN 3.5.2001

Anyway, Rikishi complies and woo hoo look at the dancing fat man.
RAW is WAR 7.5.2001

Despite was Ross says, Sexay is NOT a former champion, but his partner is! Damn, he's even got Heyman believing Sexay was a former champ.
RAW is WAR 7.5.2001

COMMISSIONER REGAL v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO within the confines of the STEEL cage - pinfalls aren't counting tonight - you get out of the cage or you don't win. Referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas manages the door, so look for me to say BUT THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE! two or three times during this match.
RAW is WAR 7.5.2001

Again Jericho's head meets the cyclone fencing. Regal makes coleslaw out of the cabbage that is Jericho's face.
RAW is WAR 7.5.2001

When you hear Marilyn Manson, that's your cue to keeeeeeeeeep fast-forwarding
RAW is WAR 7.5.2001

When I said "smark trap," last week, what I meant was they wanted people like me and them and that guy over there to go over the top with our "oh LOOK at her - she DOESN'T EVEN SELL - she's a PRIMA DONNA - she's ONLY interested in HERSELF" and unknowingly sell the angle they're trying to "surprise" us with. Got me?
RAW is WAR 7.5.2001

MICK FOLEY returns - apparently, he found one of those magic ticket booths that sells front-row seats long after the show starts
RAW is WAR 7.5.2001

The Rock was on the Tonight Show - he's a rehash! Oops, I mean "here's a rehash!" Anyway, "the Mummy Returns" had the highest non-holiday opening weekend in movie history, which surely must be a sign of the impending apocalypse...or something
RAW is WAR 7.5.2001

Meanwhile, Rikishi - man, I don't *care* if he's a face now, but I *still* don't wanna see him doing squats from that camera angle
RAW is WAR 7.5.2001

Vince walks over to Foley...who proudly displays his ticket stub. I bet HE didn't have to pay a $6.75 "convenience fee."
RAW IS WAR 7.5.2001

Wow, trim a twenty minute waste of time down to a couple of minutes and it almost becomes palatable! And I'm sure "palatable" was the word furthest from Stephanie's mind whilst receiving yon stinkface...
WWF SmackDown! 10.5.2001

X-Pac & Credible take headsets and join our commentary team. Aren't you excited?
WWF SmackDown! 10.5.2001

X-Pac asks why Raven can't respect the sport and buy some decent ring gear - like Credible, presumably.
WWF SmackDown! 10.5.2001

Coach is a big ol' CHICKEN
WWF SmackDown! 10.5.2001

"Heh heh heh heh heh - WOMEN." Then he takes the WWF title and puts it over his thigh - then caresses it - eww, let's leave them alone for a few minutes.
WWF SmackDown! 10.5.2001

And now, a few words from the woman who probably shouldn't be wearing the hot pants - not that I'm a proper judge of fashion by ANY means.
WWF SmackDown! 10.5.2001

Good God, this is so melodramatic even Snidely Whiplash himself would say "Man, that's SO over the top - try to tone it down a HAIR, wouldja?"
WWF SmackDown! 10.5.2001

Paul Heyman falls over himself to praise Stephanie's performance - aw, man, grow some BALLS.
WWF SmackDown! 10.5.2001

Stephanie quickly gets out of harm's way...then smiles and waves. That was SO much cooler than all her bad acting.
WWF SmackDown! 10.5.2001

H invites Stephanie in for "the hardest slap in the business" - yikes, who wears short shorts? Stephanie wears short shorts. Those aren't ALL shadows.
WWF SmackDown! 10.5.2001

Taker sips another beer - ooh, he's an ANGRY drunk!
WWF SMACKDOWN 10.5.2001

RC: it's cola for people who are cheap!
WWF SmackDown! 10.5.2001

Wasting no time, MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN hits the ring with a belt in each hand. After an appropriate interval, THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Can't Act) also gets a long-ass entrance. Wow, all this entrance-ing sure is saving me lots of time. Five minutes down, about 120 to go!
RAW is WAR 14.5.2001

Benoit goes into his tights (and Jericho WATCHES? ewww) and removes the medals.
RAW is WAR 14.5.2001

As God is my witness I have NO idea why I transcribed all that.
RAW is WAR 14.5.2001

Lita SQUATS! Chyna meets up with her - and off they are WALKING! See, when it's two WOMEN, *they* can walk AWAY from the camera so we can check out their goods...
RAW is WAR 14.5.2001

Watch Coachman's lips - I think he's contracted Bischoff's Disease.
RAW is WAR 14.5.2001

Saturn ties Guerrero to the Tree of Woe, goes outside and chokes away - then gets fresh with Terri AT THE SAME TIME. What a MACK.
WWF SmackDown! 17.5.2001

Commentators shill the Voyager series finale Wednesday...wow, could they put any LESS heart into their reading? (Hey, ever notice they never hype ANYTHING on TNN that isn't WWF?)
WWF SmackDown! 17.5.2001

Well, he DOES finally pull on Benoit's tights, reach (ewwwwwww) for the medals...and he comes up with them! Angle celebrates, kissing (EWWWW) the medals (Tazz: "That's gotta be TANGY, Cole!") and raising his arms high to the crowd. Oops, his back is to Benoit - that's the crossface, folks. Angle clutches the medals and screams in pain - finally, he has no choice but to drop the medals and tap. (5:43) Benoit takes the medals back, then meets Rikishi on the ramp for some quick posing. Benoit makes a big show of stashing the medals back in a ..well, it's not a cool, dry place...much to Angle's consternation. And they say this sport is homoerotic!
WWF SmackDown! 17.5.2001

But now EDDIE GUERRERO is out at the top of the stage - and it looks like he's auditioning for a part on "the House of Sarcastic Clapping People," too.
WWF SmackDown! 17.5.2001

The *worst* part of this segment is the fact that Chyna never removed that strange, strange headband the entire time - between this and that hat on Monday, you have to wonder if maybe she's got a big ol' pimple on her forehead she's trying to hide or something.
WWF SmackDown! 17.5.2001

From RAW, Jericho gets the pin on Edge, but later gets burned by Edge & Christian's Conchairto - and maybe, just MAYBE, he might want to stop giving interviews at the "oilcan's 'n' cyclone fence" set since they ALWAYS seem to end in tragedy
WWF SmackDown! 17.5.2001

If Jim Cornette were here, he'd be able to start a "Y2J" chant just by doing some rhythmic canvas pounding, but unfortunately nobody's taught Christian how to do that. Too bad.
WWF SmackDown! 17.5.2001

Golly, it's a hillbilly angle for the new millennium! (That's not a BAD thing, by the way - it's always nice to see the classics.)
WWF SmackDown! 17.5.2001

Hey, THAT'S the ad right there. Her anti-drug is her future. That's "4" by Aphex Twin. Yup. My anti-drug must be ID'ing music in these ads
WWF SmackDown! 17.5.2001

See the Rock's picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone! He's gonna buy five copies for his mother!
WWF SmackDown! 17.5.2001

Somebody's blowing bubbles in the crowd - DANGEROUS, VICIOUS BUBBLES.
WWF SmackDown! 17.5.2001

INTERESTING, YET DEPRESSING CRZ FACTOID: Did you know... I've produced approximately 2.2 MILLION words for WrestleLine?
RAW IS WAR 21.5.2001

By the way, over the course of the past few weeks Austin has established himself as the GREATEST HEEL EVER (for those with short memory spans, anyway). He could write a BOOK on being a heel. He needs to keep the belt until....say, WrestleMania 20. Yep. (A few months from now, we can wonder what the hell I was thinking when I said this)
RAW is WAR 21.5.2001

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle arrives at the arena, proudly displaying his medals to everyone he walks by. "Good to see you, Bob." "My name is John." "Whatever - God bless America! Wooo!" Now, I don't want to alarm you, but while this was playing...I could have SWORN that some of these very WWF workers were within eyeshot, within the arena *while this segment was airing.* How - HOW CAN THEY BE IN TWO PLACES AT THE SAME TIME?????
RAW is WAR 21.5.2001

"WWF Tough Enough" ad - oh man, I hope Tazz is wearing XFL gear throughout this ENTIRE run so we can CONSTANTLY be reminded of its FAILURE - oops. Anyway, it's coming soon to MTV (Slogan: When you think "music television," think "wrestling reality programming")
RAW is WAR 21.5.2001

Terri's in a silk robe, as Sam Malone said when he first met Rebecca Howe, "abooeah."
RAW is WAR 21.5.2001

X-Pac inspired me to shave off my beard with his stunningly close shaven good looks. (Perhaps I am overstating X-Pac's looks.)
RAW IS WAR 21.5.2001

Is Shane writing his own stuff, 'cause if anybody else had written it, I'm SURE somebody would have had the balls to tell that writer that those lines SUCKED.
RAW is WAR 21.5.2001

Ross almost calls D-Von "Bubba Ray" - I guess all of Heyman's "Jewish" comments are rattling him.
RAW is WAR 21.5.2001

Angle grabs the bad arm and hits - WOW, it's a wakigatame! Kane locks his knuckles, Angle tells him to let go so he does, Angle drops down - JUJIGATAME! And now, my friends, you know the difference. ("What? That doesn't help me AT ALL!") Okay, let's rewind and try it again.
RAW is WAR 21.5.2001

Now SHUT UP ALREADY about how you don't like the WWF. If you couldn't find ONE thing to like about this show, I ain't got TIME FOR YA.
RAW is WAR 21.5.2001

BLATANT PLUG: You like comix, so after you're done here, go visit pffft.net! They told me that if I plugged them at the top of the column my chances of a four-way sexual encounter with them would SKYROCKET (and yet - a *thousand* times zero is *still* zero)
WWF SmackDown! 24.5.2001

How did X-Pac get so awesome this week?
WWF SmackDown! 24.5.2001

Sexay should feud with Regal in a "facial expressions" matchup
WWF SmackDown! 24.5.2001

And now MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN DOT COM is out to show off his championship belt to anybody, if only they'll look.
WWF SMACKDOWN 24.5.2001

"Bunnies eat radishes so they can have babies. You're welcome!" Wait a minute. Let me go back and make sure I got that down right....yep. Your guess is as good as mine...
WWF SmackDown! 24.5.2001

Jakks Pacific Whatever I Typed Above ad #2 - golly, I sure hope I don't have to come up with ANOTHER three ways of saying this later! What? You do, too? You know, you won't be so CAVALIER with my feelings when you find out I'm GONE
WWF SmackDown! 24.5.2001

Edge predicts "total victorification" and as they walk off, Garcia gives us her "I'm freakin' bilingual and I *still* didn't understand you" face
WWF SmackDown! 24.5.2001

Crowd wants tables - can't they just be happy with ladders?
WWF SmackDown! 24.5.2001

And here's that footage - you know, I doubt Jake Roberts is REALLY playing that horn. I'll bet Hulk Hogan *is* playing bass, though, but unfortunately we tune out just as his solo starts.
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

Various shots of Vince getting funky as I spy JYD and George Steele in the "band." Ross compares him to Tom Jones with the June Taylor dancers - and I sense a generation gap - nay, CHASM.
RAW IS WAR 28.5.2001

Hey, look! It's Canada! It's Calgary! It's the exterior of the Saddledome! HEY! I think some guy is squatting behind that tree there! Geez, haven't these guys hear about *indoor plumbing* YET?
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

Guerrero is wearing a Hardyz T-shirt, as well as a faggy - sorry, EFFEMINATE - Hardy trademark fishnetty arm thingamajig.
RAW IS WAR 28.5.2001

Enjoy those bogglin' eyes of Grand Master Sexay, 'cause WWF.com is reporting that since he was caught with drugs at the border, he's been SHITCANNED
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

During the Break, Storm sprinted up the steps, out the door, and hugged Shane McMahon, who proclaimed it "on." And, like I said, what *better* way to make a statement than to run in on Blackman/Stratus vs. Malenko/Terri?
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

You know, I never saw that "Owen" sign after the first segment...you don't think the sign police would...oh yes they would.
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

Ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA introduces Jericho as not only coholder of the tag team championship, but also the intercontinental champion, which probably comes as news to Kane.
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

Meanwhile, Albert is still trying to figure out how he just got pinned, given that he forgot to look at Lita and get distracted.
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

By golly, it's STILL daylight out in Calgary! Boy that Saddledome sure is *garishly* coloured.
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

You know what was good about that "Stand Back" footage, thinking back? It didn't have a WWF logo in the lower left corner. That's a subtle point, but it helps reinforce the notion that Jericho and Benoit, say, picked it up on Ebay.
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

You know, when Vince said "only you can appreciate this," I think he must have self-edited "and this cameraman" from that line...presumably in the interests of saving precious television time
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

I hope the Dudley Boyz aren't actually watching this replay on the EntertainmentTron, HMMMMM?! 'cause, you know, it sure looks like that could help clear up the misunderstanding, and it sure looks like D-Von WAS starting stageward this whole time.
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

Remember, every time they say "this is the Dudleyz SPECIALTY MATCH," what they're *really* saying is "the Dudleyz NEVER WIN this match."
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

Footage from the next day, as Stephanie McMahon was there to watch the operation and cry a lot - wow, she's really game to let the WWF cameras exploit her like that. I don't doubt for a moment those are real tears, too.
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

I will say this, it really makes this main event seem like a special, big deal when they have HOWARD FINKEL back out to make introductions - AFTER both men get their entrance (not to mention the champ entering first):
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

Hebner: "seven minutes." Pretend you didn't hear that.
RAW IS WAR 28.5.2001

That last bit right there - and Ross' final say on commentary - makes the subtle yet *incredibly important* difference between Vince Russo's multiple attempts to recreate Montreal, and this WWF team of writers' attempt to recreate Montreal (only, not exactly recreate it).
RAW is WAR 28.5.2001

Clips of Christian takin' a shellackin' serve to explain his absence for storyline purposes (and apparently better than "he's off on his honeymoon" would - sorry Rebecca)
WWF SmackDown! 31.5.2001

WOW! Having genital herpes can be SO MUCH FUN (according to this ad)!
WWF SmackDown! 31.5.2001

"Molly, I really...like you. I really, really like you." Awww. Coach slaps his back and smiles. HE remembers being in love!
WWF SMACKDOWN 31.5.2001

Backstage, LILIAN GARCIA stands with Kurt Angle - WHOA no closeups, please, I know you want us to see the medals but all I can fixate on are the pimples on his pec (OUCH!).
WWF SmackDown! 31.5.2001

Ummm, "featuring Marvin Gaye?" The man has been DEAD for YEARS. ("Didn't stop 2Pac.") Well, you got me there.
WWF SmackDown! 31.5.2001

Austin admires his shiny title belt...pets it a few times...wow, I feel like I'm intruding here.
WWF SmackDown! 31.5.2001

Oh, but wait...here comes BILLIONAIRE VINCE, and he's wearing the zebra stripes (and, of course, no sleeves).
WWF SmackDown! 31.5.2001

Well, at least McMahon isn't Hebner's succedaneum in this match as I'd earlier feared. (I just won a bet!)
WWF SmackDown! 31.5.2001

original WrestleLine teaser: I'm more of a high class call girl - you seem to want a cheap whore
RAW is WAR 4.6.2001

Ventura is out in wacky shades and Jericho-esque overshirt. Nice loafers, Guv!
RAW is WAR 4.6.2001

Lita's all "hmm, I'm dating a LOSER. I wonder what Eddie's doing right now? He's so SWARTHY."
RAW is WAR 4.6.2001

Mick brings up Alexander Hamilton - Trish, being Canadian, just nods as if she knows what he's talking about.
RAW is WAR 4.6.2001

Spike's smile needs to be surgically removed.
RAW is WAR 4.6.2001

Show is unfairly maligned by a certain segment of the wrestling fandom, by the way.
RAW is WAR 4.6.2001

Taker pauses, either because he's REALLY angry - or he forgot his lines.
RAW is WAR 4.6.2001

SATURN'S ASS LOOKS JUST LIKE CHYNA'S
RAW is WAR 4.6.2001

Thursday, I turn thirty. It may be time to either reevaluate my life and decide what I REALLY want to do....or just party down and get really, really drunk. I think you and I probably know what I'm going to do.
RAW is WAR 4.6.2001

Backstage, Spike and Molly make happy kissy faces.
WWF SMACKDOWN 7.6.2001

It's Regal and Tajiri - Tajiri is bouncing more than one of those thirsty birds.
WWF SmackDown! 7.6.2001

McMahon and Regal spontaneously break into a "knowing nods" contest.
WWF SmackDown! 7.6.2001

"Come on, Molly, let's go somewhere more private." I think he also added "You with the camera...follow us!"
WWF SmackDown! 7.6.2001

WWF INTERKANETINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: KANE v. X-PACTOR (with Justin Credible & Justin Otherguy) - Champ enters first because he doesn't have a cool Unkle Krakker song.
WWF SmackDown! 7.6.2001

Cole actually remembers that these two have quite a history...then balances that insightful observation by saying that Taker "just sat through another of those videos" despite the fact that he's outside the building and presumably away from all monitors.
WWF SmackDown! 7.6.2001

"Finally, we're alone." I guess they don't see the dude with the camera.
WWF SmackDown! 7.6.2001

Our hosts proclaim Taker "an emotional wreck." Cole says this is no longer about sports entertainment - is that irony?
WWF SMACKDOWN 7.6.2001

From Earlier Tonight, Jeff Hardy wins the light heavyweight championship - and we NEVER see Jerry Lynn again
WWF SmackDown! 7.6.2001

Jericho off the ropes with the Lionsault - it hits the knees but that's not in our storyline so let Jericho cover for the 1, 2, 3. (2:42)
WWF SmackDown! 7.6.2001

TONIGHT: The Hollys and the Dudleyz COLLIDE! What do you MEAN you've seen it before? C'mon, you LOVE watching Molly go through tables! Besides, there'll also be two KOR Qualifiers if you don't like that. COME ON!
RAW is WAR 11.6.2001

Opening Credits - funny they've kept Shane in there, isn't it?
RAW is WAR 11.6.2001

But once again the music interrupts - it's "(Oh oh) WrestleMania" and that can only mean OH BOY! Some NEW BLOOD to liven up this segment - or LINDA McMAHON - take your choice.
RAW is WAR 11.6.2001

I went back and checked - Linda tugs on her jacket somewhere around *31* times. That woman needs to find something else to do with her hands while she addresses the nation!
RAW is WAR 11.6.2001

Footage of Albert tossing Eddie Guerrero out of the ring and Guerrero clutching his knee is offered by way of writing Eddie out of things for a while - he's gonna "be away several weeks to take care of his issues - including his knee." And just when his angle was getting good, too, right? Poor Eddie - hope he gets well.
RAW is WAR 11.6.2001

When we come back, Trish Stratus catches up to Steve Blackman, who is wielding his mighty kendo dick - stick. Kendo stick.
RAW IS WAR 11.6.2001

Well it's a big whip into the ropes, well it's a big boot. Well it's a big elbowdrop. You know what? I STILL find this riff funny, so screw the lot of you.
RAW is WAR 11.6.2001

Wow, maybe this *is* continuity - like, if Kane actually FALLS for this and drops the dime on Angle to his brother, it'd prove that he's STILL *retarded*
RAW is WAR 11.6.2001

That's five men down and Molly on the apron looking concerned - but wait...here comes Spike back into the ring, to his feet - smiles around - grabbing hands - HIYO! Ross: "Just like Brad Pitt and what's her name!" Wait, so Ross remembers the name of the GUY? Quick, take me to the break
RAW is WAR 11.6.2001

Benoit perches on top - he should leap onto Austin, but I doubt that's gonna happen....instead, he looks back to Angle - and decides "well, if I did it on Thunder for NO viewers, I might as well bust it out for the overrun of the War Zone, too" - OH YEAH, SWANDIVE HEADBUTT FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE!!
RAW is WAR 11.6.2001

Again Benoit slowly crawls to the door...but Austin slams the door! Apparently, the ringing sound was really close to his ears, because Benoit falls backwards to the mat.
RAW is WAR 11.6.2001

Whoa, seems like a short ad break as we quickly hit the RC Cola Rewind! From Monday, Spike and Molly get all gooshy
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.6.2001

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: MATT HARDY (with Lita) v. K-KWIK GETTIN' ROWDY - tut tut, looks like rain, and Kwik is demonstrating the haute couture that one can only create when the raincoat of choice is of the clear plastic variety. Wow, it's sure been a while since I had to endure me some "Gettin' Rowdy," haanit?
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.6.2001

At this point, Austin comes in - Tajiri craps his pants and cowers.
WWF SmackDown! 14.6.2001

Tajiri goes back to his own special ecstasy.
WWF SmackDown! 14.6.2001

Oh, well here comes the sound and video of wCw - and here come the money as SHANE O MAC comes out to remind us that white men can't dance
WWF SmackDown! 14.6.2001

Backstage, Austin gets Howard Finkel's signature - as well as a free rub of his noggin.
WWF SmackDown! 14.6.2001

I don't know, I think that match probably SUCKED because there was no GREEN MIST. No, wait, that match RULED and YOU suck.
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.6.2001

So why DID they replace the throne with an electric chair? ('cause it looks cool?) Oh. (The kidz dig it - trust me)
RAW IS WAR 18.6.2001

Here's a Special Video Look at the Stalker's videos, edited for your protection - why OF COURSE that butt shot is last - gotta keep you interested!
RAW is WAR 18.6.2001

What would UNCLE BEN know about MACARONI AND CHEESE? He's a RICE man, for crying out loud!
RAW is WAR 18.6.2001

"Well take a look, big mouth - that's not the Undertaker!" Wow, THIS guy has the power to get those steps moved out of the way as well!
RAW is WAR 18.6.2001

Umm... well.... I don't think the crowd was *silent* because they were *hanging on Page's every word,* if you catch my drift.
RAW IS WAR 18.6.2001

Ross: "I don't really care for your opinion, because you're gonna kiss Austin's butt." Geez, THERE'S a switch, huh?
RAW is WAR 18.6.2001

When we come back, we focus on the neatly manicured hands of Molly Holly and Spike Dudley (okay, I didn't really check out Spike's nails)
WWF SmackDown! 21.6.2001

She grudgingly accepts, then they smooch - "for good luck," says Molly. OH MY GOD WHAT IF WE LEARN THEY'RE REALLY TWIN BROTHER AND SISTER IN THE THIRD MOVIE
WWF SmackDown! 21.6.2001

Buffy is coming to UPN! WHO CARES? Sarah Michelle Gellar looks like she ran into a wall and her nose STAYED that way
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.6.2001

Backstage, Sara is still providing her best faux-Miss Elizabeth face, while Taker abuses the local machinery.
WWF SmackDown! 21.6.2001

Coming back to the arena, Regal attempts to talk to Saturn while Terri examines her nipples (or something)
WWF SmackDown! 21.6.2001

Hot DAMN. That was some old school "hardcore," and that worked like GANGBUSTERS for me. That was Vader taking out Gorilla Monsoon hardcore - that was Yokozuna draping Hacksaw Jim Duggan in the American flag and giving him a fifth Banzai drop hardcore - that was IRS ripping up Tatanka's headdress and then destroying Chief Jay Strongbow hardcore. AND that worked *just* as much because of Cole as Austin. AND you couldn't have done this with Tazz in the building, so the timing was perfect. Everything about this RULED. THIS is the sort of thing that can keep a "hardcore" wrestling fan for MONTHS. Totally awesome and unbelievable, and if you didn't like this....well, I don't know what you're waiting for when you watch this show - well, I *do*, but you could be probably be watching Cinemax or "Wild on E!" and be happier, I think.
WWF SmackDown! 21.6.2001

LOOK! There's a "You're Welcome!" sign! NOW can we proclaim him "over" and move on?
WWF SmackDown! 21.6.2001

Heyman offers all that mop needs is two balloons to look just like Terri. Play Saturn's music 'cause he's got a MOP!
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.6.2001

Hmm, does Kane hang around at his brother's house with that mask on, you think?
WWF SmackDown! 21.6.2001

This return match was apparently booked because people who *paid* to see this match *last* night are *idiots.*
RAW is WAR 25.6.2001

X-Pac with a backslide and the feet on the ropes - of COURSE "Blind" Mike Chioda is gonna MISS that - he's no *Jack Doan,* people! 1, 2, 3!
RAW is WAR 25.6.2001

Regal and Tajiri are WALKING! Tajiri is carrying a Stanley Cup-esque King of the Ring trophy - which is apparently pretty heavy. What, no crown, cape and scepter combo? A TROPHY? What is this, FREAKIN' JAPAN?
RAW is WAR 25.6.2001

Ross repeats "Bitchcakes" and doesn't get bleeped - Heyman repeats it and does - ANTI-SEMITISM AT ITS WORST
RAW is WAR 25.6.2001

Q: How can you tell the Dudz are heelz? A: Bubba Ray isn't wearing the title around his neck.
RAW is WAR 25.6.2001

Lita just CHEATED TO LOSE!
RAW is WAR 25.6.2001

Listening to Shane's music, do you get the impression like I do, that Shane REALLY wanted to be Ted DiBiase when he was growing up?
RAW is WAR 25.6.2001

GARDEN CLASSICS: from 1985 - it all kicked off with the first WrestleMania - gee, I wonder if they'll show WWF Champion SID tonight
RAW is WAR 25.6.2001

Why yes, Regal's faces ARE twice as funny when they're covered in green mist.
RAW is WAR 25.6.2001

Right! Right! DOWN GOES VINCE! T picks up Vince - gutshot - Vince doesn't know where/how to stand, but T will find a way to hit that AXE KICK anyway.
RAW is WAR 25.6.2001

Christian does his Kurt Angle impersonation with the King of the Ring trophy - or is it his Ray Bourque impersonation?
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.6.2001

Hmm, somebody should have taught Kane how to take a Diamond Cutter. Well, at least he knows how to SELL a Diamond Cutter...he ain't gettin' up.
WWF SmackDown! 28.6.2001

Hey, Lita is in - there's a Cheatingcanrana on Bubba Ray!
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.6.2001

You wanna talk about "disgracing the Holly name," Crash hasn't USED the Holly name for the better part of a YEAR!
WWF SmackDown! 28.6.2001

Awww, Spike & Molly come out arm in arm. Cole compares these two to Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston - I wonder, how wise is it to mention a "Friends" star on a competing show?
WWF SmackDown! 28.6.2001

This just in from the official slashwrestling.com scorer - number of times the words "tough enough" were used in this segment: 7
WWF SmackDown! 28.6.2001

To the commissioner's office - in addition to his previous accouterments, Regal now outfits the place with a suit of armour... as well as a fresh picture of Margaret Thatcher. The sentence previous is probably the fuhst time in YAHRS that the word "fresh" and the name "Margaret Thatcher" have been used in close conjunction.
WWF SmackDown! 28.6.2001

The only problem I see with all this exposition is that they may very well be getting over Saturn's mop better than they're getting over Saturn...naah, surely I'm going too far with that critique. (Am I?)
WWF SmackDown! 28.6.2001

Hotty off the ropes with the bulldog - yup - W - O - R - M - and so on - hoo hoo hoo hiYA - 1, 2, 3. Welcome back, Scotty! (4:23) Wow, lookit that Scotty 2 Hotty -he's impish and mischevious
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.6.2001

MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN hits the ring for our main event......promo....thing.
WWF SmackDown! 28.6.2001

SHANE O. MAC is out - all three men in the ring turn to look at him. "Now let me get this straight - we have an Olympic Gold Medalist and a WWF Champion competing for hugs? (Ross laughs to let you know this is FUNNY)
RAW is WAR 2.7.2001

Shane likes Sesame Street so much, let's sing! "One of these things is not like the other / Which one is different, do you know / Can you tell me which one is not like the other / Now before I finish my song." Your four corners of the screen show: Vince McMahon, Steve Austin, Kurt Angle, and.....Shane McMahon. Understand?
RAW is WAR 2.7.2001

Oh oh, here's one of the warning signs: EVERYBODY in the crowd is standing up, anticipating the run-in. That's NOT good.
RAW IS WAR 2.7.2001

Wow, with all this jobbing Page should be pretty much worthless by the time the PPV comes around - the crowd may dig it, but I'm starting to not see how this can end up better for Page financially than taking the Time/Warner cheques and sitting at home. On yet another hand, jobbing to Taker doesn't automatically mean you have no hope of a push against a "lesser" opponent, right? On the OTHER hand, didn't they just protect...ALBERT? So wouldn't this put Page BELOW Albert on the food chain here? Ohhhhh my head hurts, let's figure it out later
RAW is WAR 2.7.2001

Wow, look, it's Torrie Wilson and her breasts - and all of them are WALKING!
RAW is WAR 2.7.2001

Meanwhile, X-Pac is caressing the title belt as if it were his prized teddy bear Bobo.
RAW is WAR 2.7.2001

Okay, I think I've seen that naked green M&M enough times tonight
RAW is WAR 2.7.2001

Hudson proudly opens his blazer to show off the free T-shirt he got for working tonight.
RAW is WAR 2.7.2001

WOW SOMEBODY FINALLY SAID "WCW SUPERSTARS!" (I bet it was an accident)
RAW is WAR 2.7.2001

Keibler ain't no Mike McGuirk, that's for DAMN sure.
RAW IS WAR 2.7.2001

Hudson proclaims Linda McMahon "beautiful, talented and intelligent" - does his *wife* know he's saying things like that?
RAW is WAR 2.7.2001

Hudson refers to Shane's "beautiful mother, Linda" - as opposed to his ugly mother, one presumes
RAW is WAR 2.7.2001

Bagwell holds him for Austin. Angle keeps Patrick at bay while everybody heads up the ramp...and backstage. Wow, they sure blew THAT, didn't they?
RAW is WAR 2.7.2001

Is it too early to throw in the towel on WCW? I mean, all tonight did was remind me how much I was dreading watching WCW in its dying days, for crying out loud!
RAW is WAR 2.7.2001

I guess in hindsight we can all say "Gee! Putting on a WCW match in front of a WWF crowd - and we would actually have to WONDER why they would be BORED and BOO?"
RAW is WAR 2.7.2001

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO & SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) - well, on one hand Jericho beat the champs by himself, so he should have no problems teaming with Spike - on the other hand, Spike couldn't beat the champs teaming with Kane, so how can he win teaming with Jericho? Gawrsh, I guess it IS an "any given night" kinda thing.
WWF SmackDown! 5.7.2001

To the Fun Room, where Vince paces about in his cabana shirt - yes, he's wearing pants.
WWF SmackDown! 5.7.2001

Earlier Tonight, Earl Hebner told Nick Patrick to keep his crappy shirts on his side. Things degenerated to...get this...a shoving match. Say, who holds back the referees when REFEREES fight? Hebner's got a point about their shirts, though...
WWF SmackDown! 5.7.2001

I'm awaiting word from the slashwrestling.com official scorer... Number of times "Tough Enough" said during this segment: 8
WWF SMACKDOWN 5.7.2001

MR. McMAHON (with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box) hits the ring - OH THANK GOD.
WWF SmackDown! 5.7.2001

WOW CAN YOU *IMAGINE* THE *WRESTLING MATCHES* THAT WILL COME OUT OF THIS...ohhhh actually no
WWF SmackDown! 5.7.2001

I won't even BEGIN to explain how THIS match came about (mostly 'cause I can't) - something about Gunn and Show believing everyone's against them ... and they're right!
WWF SmackDown! 5.7.2001

The Midcarders have assembled.
WWF SmackDown! 5.7.2001

Saturn is enjoying sitting 'pon the lap of ring announcer HOWARD FINKEL - Fink enjoying it not NEARLY as much, it should be noted.
WWF SmackDown! 5.7.2001

Saturn appreciates the worm - Terri does everything but say "BAD SATURN"
WWF SmackDown! 5.7.2001

QUICK QUOTE: WWF 14.65 (+ .64, last year: 21) - by the way, SportsLine hit an all-time low yesterday at 1.80 - HAW HAW HAW
RAW is WAR 9.7.2001

We take the replays of Shane swinging the stick (and managing to hang onto it this time, too!), Sara swinging the stick...and that Diamond Cutter. Sara sells it about a MILLION times better than Kane - plus, being barefoot, gets all those wacky fetishists nice and hard at the same time, too!
RAW is WAR 9.7.2001

In the black locker room, Booker T limbers up - no, see, the LOCKERS are black - is it always about race with you? Sheesh. Although I must admit it makes Kurt Angle look even MORE white when he walks in.
RAW is WAR 9.7.2001

It's four on two as the WCW guys team up with the ECW guys to take out Jericho and Kane... Here comes the WWF LOCKER ROOM - tonight I see Tazz, the Dudley Boyz, Justin Credible... wait a minute - Raven, Rhyno...oh no....oh no. "Staredown" in the ring as Paul gets jolly.
RAW is WAR 9.7.2001

Hey, it's not too late to buy "ecwdudleyboyz.com" - or you think they'll just keep WWFDudleyBoyz.com up forever and you and I can laugh at them? Why did Mike Awesome, an ECW guy, work so hard to steal the WWF Hardcore title from another ECW guy? What would have happened if the Dudleyz had managed to RETAIN the titles tonight? You think they seriously had THIS in store a week ago at this time?
RAW is WAR 9.7.2001

Ross is alone when we come back. How long has Heyman been planning this assault, he asks? About five days and/or ever since he was brought into the WWF, I cynically think to myself...
RAW IS WAR 9.7.2001

Did ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA just say "Chris Kanyon, Chuck O'Haire" and then completely give up on introductions? And she started out with such promise, actually saying "20 man tag."
RAW IS WAR 9.7.2001

All eleven men now sport ECF'nW T-shirts (presumably purchased off the rack at a Philadelphia Goodwill) except Heyman, who still has his jacket on over HIS shirt.
RAW is WAR 9.7.2001

Half of the guys go outside to beat on the WWF guys while the other half stay in the ring to watch...Shane and Paul embrace. I have to tell you, even seeing it coming...it sends chills down my spine. I just don't know which KIND of chills yet.
RAW is WAR 9.7.2001

FOLLOW-UP: VERY shortly after the RAW report came up, the domain name "ecwdudleyboyz.com" WAS registered....by "WCW, Inc." I can only hope that my cheque is in the mail. Man, I'd LOVE to take "credit" for "breaking" this "story" - only 1Bob reported it on *Thursday* as if nobody'd noticed it up until then, so I guess I can't. Meanwhile, in other domain news, Joey Styles finally decided to renew "ecwwrestling.com," just in case it turned out somebody would be interested in paying him big bucks for it. This happened - get this - *Thursday*. The final piece of the puzzle comes when you try to put "www.ecwwrestling.com" into your web browser...and get directed to ANOTHER site co-owned by Styles. I'll spare you finding out for yourself that that site...is none other than... 1wrestling.com. I'm Paul Harvey... ...goodDAY!
WWF SmackDown! 12.7.2001

"...give it up everybody on your feet for my sister STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY, the new owner of ECW!" And as "This is Extreme" plays, here they are - God, if we ever find out he's bonking her it'll be official - Russo *is* back.
WWF SmackDown! 12.7.2001

Cole confuses me by saying "...my nephew, who calls Tazz 'Uncle Tazz,' asking me why did Tazz do what he did, why won't he return Daddy's phone calls?" So is he a child or a nephew? Oh well.
WWF SMACKDOWN 12.7.2001

Yikes - would YOU book the first match between the Thrillseekers to go three minutes? That's why YOU'RE *watching* instead of *booking*, I suppose
WWF SmackDown! 12.7.2001

And now, because we've apparently had JUST TOO DAMN MUCH WRESTLING THIS SHOW...
WWF SmackDown! 12.7.2001

Replay of the finish - I think I'm starting to get it...if you're "ECW by way of the WWF" you get the fall, if you're "ECW by way of the WCW" you submit to the Walls of Jericho. Whaddaya think?
WWF SMACKDOWN 12.7.2001

We look back to the Hardyz - Matt is clapping like a trained seal (whipped...whipped).
WWF SmackDown! 12.7.2001

OH MAN these punches are SO bad they actually pull the "broken camera" trick just to fade out of this segment
WWF SmackDown! 12.7.2001

I think we've GOTTA have a SPECIAL referee for a Hebner/Patrick match, right? Let's see...how about.... Kirby Puckett
WWF SMACKDOWN 12.7.2001

Ross: "I just never pictured Jeff Hardy as the hardcore title." I dunno, they KINDA look alike...
WWF SmackDown! 12.7.2001

To make it even worse, Ross lays it on SUPER thick - we NEED the Old Rattlesnake! We NEED the old Stone Cold! Pardon ME, Ross, but honestly - would the Old Stone Cold GIVE a flying FUCK about ANY of these people?
WWF SmackDown! 12.7.2001

"What must be going through the mind...of the Texas Rattlesnake?" Looks like BEER to me, Ross...
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

KURT ANGLE STEALS CHRIS JERICHO'S GIMMICK: FILM AT ELEVEN
RAW IS WAR 16.7.2001

Criminy! Who thought it was a good idea for the GIRL SCOUTS to advertise during this show?!?
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

Tajiri immediately starts doing an Akira Fukuzawa impersonation (ha, I bet you didn't think I'd pull THAT comparison out of my ass!)
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

Play Tajiri's music! Here's a replay of the kick, since, as the DVDVR folks say, that AAA'd it when it was live, opting to focus on Regal's facial expression instead.
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

Question: How can you tell T is the heel? Answer: New stubble
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

Ross: "I never thought much of a champion that wears an earring, but..." CRIMINY, WHAT AN OLD FOGEY.
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

You know, I've been thinking about it - if Austin DOESN'T do what Vince wants....well, doesn't that mean the old Stone Cold Steve Austin IS back? I mean, that's "anti-authority," right?
RAW IS WAR 16.7.2001

D-Von fights it long enough for ROB van DAM to run out and provide enough leverage for D-Von to get the pin (4:38) and I must say it takes a truly HEROIC effort for Chioda to *completely* miss his presence.
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

The APA react to this from their sofa (SOFA?!? They couldn't put a monitor in their office?)
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

So wait - they SOLD their STOCK? And they're still on TV? ... Does this make YOUR head hurt, too?
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

I'm not exactly sure why they've scheduled this match, but WOW LOOKIT TERRI'S WEDGIE.
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

This match is a car wreck and I can't turn away!
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

Back to the ring - lookit Paul point. Ha ha ha, Paul's so funny. I wonder if we'll ever get a bell to this match?
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

Punches all around - when Austin throws punches, they're like grenades - down you go, down you go, down you go, KICK WHAM STUNNER for O'Haire, KICK WHAM STUNNER for Tazz, KICK WHAM STUNNER Bubba Ray, KICK WHAM STUNNER D-Von, KICK WHAM STUNNER Palumbo, KICK WHAM STUNNER Kanyon (now THAT man can sell!), Dreamer's all "do me! do me!" so KICK WHAM STUNNER Dreamer, and Kidman and Guerrero get a double chokeslam from the Fun Brothers. Play Austin's music! Why hasn't Ross lost his voice yet?
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

Maybe THURSDAY they'll explain to us how the winner of the Inaugural Brawl can CHANGE THE FACE OF SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT AS WE KNOW IT BY GOD Maybe then we'll find out ... JUST WHICH SIDE.... JERRY LYNN IS ON
RAW is WAR 16.7.2001

When Jim Ross says "dangerous Coalition," did anyone else think "wow, that's close to....Dangerous *Alliance*?"
WWF SmackDown! 19.7.2001

"Death to sports entertainment! Death to the W - W - F!" Gosh, I'd be down with that if not for two things: 1) I kinda LIKE sports entertainment - in moderation and 2) everything Paul says just rings so HOLLOW anyway
WWF SmackDown! 19.7.2001

Oh man, what happened to Tony Chimel's HAIR?
WWF SmackDown! 19.7.2001

If I forgot to make anything out of the fact that there's more ECW (WWF) guys than WCW guys on the W/ECW side of the match Sunday....well, just pretend I did. Or that there's nothing to make out of it, I'm not sure.
WWF SmackDown! 19.7.2001

All right! Hot babes on "Enterprise!" THAT'LL bring in the key nerd demographic!
WWF SmackDown! 19.7.2001

Here's a look at a giant Budweiser billboard - I mean, the exterior of the FleetCenter.
WWF SmackDown! 19.7.2001

Tajiri does his dance of joy, then picks up the phone and calls somebody, no wait, that's just part of his dance.
WWF SmackDown! 19.7.2001

HOLY SHIT LA MAGISTRAL BY BRADSHAW 1, 2, OHHHHHH he kicked out. Bradshaw's my new favourite wrestler!
WWF SmackDown! 19.7.2001

Let Us Take You Back to Yesterday and scenes from the great big Lita video premiere party - aka "people stand in line to pay money for an autographed video while Lita looks SCAAAAARY" - must be the makeup
WWF SmackDown! 19.7.2001

But don't worry - those of you who aren't into wrestling may enjoy the SPANKING match between Trish Stratus and Torrie Wilson! Why is it called a SPANKING match? Oh, man, that's TOO EASY.
RAW IS WAR 23.7.2001

Commentators tell us that Austin has taken the title outside the company - we can only wonder how he gets this television time, but perhaps Stephanie will explain it to us. Perhaps I'll win the Lotto as well.
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

"Chant all you want...you will not be able to stop the WWF from dying a slow and painful death." This is a slow and painful promo
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

The four head back up the ramp, while Angle stands in the ring looking intense (and probably also intelligent and...integral).
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

Hey! Is that the Goldberg monster truck in that "Rat Race" ad? GOOOOOOOOLD BERRRRRRRRG GOOOOOOOOOLD BERRRRRRRRRRG Hey whatever happened to that guy? Damn, thank Scott Keith in your autobiography ONCE and next thing you know, you're all the way down the highway to obscurity
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

Cole tries to talk about Angle, but Ross steers it back to van Dam - depending on whether or not you like Ross, you can argue either (1) Ross is great for putting the focus back on the match, or (2) Ross is such a suck-up to Austin that he's not gonna spend ANY time trying to put Angle over. Heck, it may be a little of each.
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

Hardy right, right, van Dam right, Hardy right, right, right, causing van Dam to climb up the ladder...oh, I mean Hardy hiptossing him over the ladder to the ring! ("He just exposed the business!") Oh man, don't tell me YOU don't like RVD either - come on. ("Naw, I'm more of a 'spot style' bashing smarky smark smark.") Oh, okay.
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

Now I don't want to ruin this match for you, but you've probably noticed that the referee is Nick Patrick. Just put it out of your mind, Bunky.
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

Wow, for a minute there I thought Stacy's head was gonna fall off from all that vigorous nodding!
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

Soupbone! Soupbone! If you had "Soupbone!" YOU WON! Lemme tell you a story about a man named Soupbone!
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. CHRIS KANYON - But first, this Y2J chant. "Even though Chris Kanyon claims that last night, he was the most valuable player, as far as Y2J is concerned, tonight he has proven to be the most annoying assclown..." (pause for assclown pop)
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

Hey, what's worse, Vince hitting all of Rock's catchprases...or ROCK hitting all of Rock's catchphrases?
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

Meanwhile, Torrie Wilson catches up to Jeff Hardy, who is busy dumping seven or eight sugar packets into his coffee (THAT explains a LOT)
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

Hardy stares at the paddle...I think he's staring at the paddle. Here's Trish in the frame. "What's this?" "Trish...she's got a paddle."
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

Hardy pulls her off before she can do any more damage. "You'll pay for that, Trish!" Come on, Jeff, at least LOOK like you ENJOY holding her back!
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

Trish runs into a drop toehold - well, they don't connect but the IDEA was there, at least
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

D-Von covers - ha ha, who had D-Von in the "first guy to forget there are no pinfalls in this match" pool?
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

Bubba Ray takes Edge's head to the STEEL steps - why not put him through a table now? Because there's ten minutes left in the show, I suppose.
RAW is WAR 23.7.2001

Say, why hasn't Vince/Linda/the WWF board of directors stripped Austin of the WWF Championship by now, if he's taken it out of the company?
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

Back outside in time to catch Lita with one of her "I want to die" 'ranas off the steps onto Kidman. She's CHEATING TO WIN!
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

Replay of Lita's totally illegal 'rana ("she is extraordinary" - Ross) and the totally illegal swantonbomb. Man, the Hardyz SUCK.
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

Oh BOY! Here come STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT, SHANE CAN'T DANCE & IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL to kill Segment Two.
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

OH GOD HER HAND IS STUCK TO HER HIP AGAIN
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

Hmm, strange that the big gold belt doesn't have a BOOKER T. nameplate on it anymore...got a blank one there instead. I'm sure that means nothing. Yeah.
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

Cole promises "a treat" later tonight - Mr. McMahon's plea to the Rock. This is some new definition of "treat" of which I was not previously aware.
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

Tag to Bubba Ray - Cole channels Ross by saying "Bubba Ray Dudley tags in brother D-Von" - I mean, it's great for our world if you can't tell the BLACK guy from the WHITE guy, I guess, but...
WWF SMACKDOWN 26.7.2001

DDP (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. KANE (with Transmitido En Espanol SAP) - Referee is Nick Patrick, so I think I'll just lay out until the screwjob. Whaddaya say?
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

If Patrick is an "Alliance referee," what's with the "WCW shirt?"
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

Of course, Patrick made the only call he could this time, but don't let that stop your sense of Rossian righteous indignation and outrage...especially if you're Ross!
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

The WWF Fanatic Series presentation for July is "WWF Hardcore!" Don't let the fact that an ECW guy is hosting it sway you from ordering "WWF Hardcore!"
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

Gosh, Storm is an ANGRY young man, though.
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

Here come de money - and here come SHANE O. MAC to reprazent to his peeps, yo. Shane be down wit da homiez, so tip ya 40 - word.
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

"This message goes out to the hottest free agent in sports entertainment history. This message goes out to the Rock." Wow, I thought he'd mention Goldberg FOR SURE!
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

Here's a Special Video Montage of Vince screwing the Rock, saying a lot of bad things, and No Chance in Hell, and so on. Okay, it's not a bad set of clips, actually, I'm just REALLY LAZY
WWF SMACKDOWN 26.7.2001

Woof woof. KEEP IT REAL, SHIZZO, YOU KNOW THE DIZZO, BOB'n'WEAVE 'CAUSE YOU SOOOOOOOO PRETTY
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

HOLY COW, AN ALLIANCE OFFICIAL CALLS IT SQUARE - of course, the commentators didn't notice. Come to think of it, they also NEVER mentioned that Rhyno and E&C used to be good mates.
WWF SMACKDOWN 26.7.2001

I dare say T is starting to get into heeling it up once again. (Must you so dare?) Dare I dare, forsooth. Und so weit. (Oh, shut up.)
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

T with *the Harlem sidekick* right on the button - leg is hooked - 1, 2, SHOULDER UP! T is about ready to SHIT.
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

Austin's face registers abject shock as a triumphant Angle, barely able to stand, leans in a corner and holds the forty pounds of gold high overhead. And in this moment on this night, there are no fans left seated in THIS arena. I hope...at least in spirit...you're standing too.
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

P.S. He may not be Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Kevin Nash, Big Show, Bret Hart or Sid Vicious...but he IS Kurt Angle...and thank God for that. Stay away, Rock. We don't need ya. We got Kurt.
WWF SmackDown! 26.7.2001

LAST WEEK: Blah blah blah - well it IS kinda neat to see them sync up Rock's mouth with Vince and Shane's words
RAW is WAR 30.7.2001

"Number two, the most electrifying man...in sports entertainment today, the Rock, the Rock will come join the Alliance." Funny that he'd associate "the Rock" and "number two," but...
RAW is WAR 30.7.2001

We can only wonder why Security doesn't escort any non-WWF people out. (What about the ratings?) Oh...well.
RAW is WAR 30.7.2001

Yikes, Angle needs to exercise some neck control - he's a human Bobble Head doll out there.
RAW is WAR 30.7.2001

Long: "Thirty seconds!" Hmm, I predict it'll be over in thirty seconds.
RAW is WAR 30.7.2001

Helms pops up (from Hardy's finish - bad show), and rolls up Hardy with the small package - 1, 2, 3. (3:25) Hey, that was FORTY-TWO seconds.
RAW is WAR 30.7.2001

WCW CHAMPIONSHIP: KURT ANGLE v. NAPPY T (with Shane Can't Dance) with no disqualifications - Champ enters first because that's all the rage these days.
RAW is WAR 30.7.2001

Hey, look! It's the Spectrum's statue of Rocky! Hey, look! We pan down to see a real, live Rocky! And - YES! - HE CAN STILL DO THAT THING WITH HIS EYEBROW!
RAW is WAR 30.7.2001

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. FUN BROTHERS (with Mrs. Taker) in a tables match - Keep in mind, this isn't a "tag team table match," so the first guy (not team) to go through determines the fall. It's fine distinctions like this that make me the GREATEST RECAPPER ALIVE. I think.
RAW is WAR 30.7.2001

MR. McMAHON heads to the ring for our.....main event. Right behind are SHANE CAN'T DANCE & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT, making a big rhythmic show of their SENSUAL saunter down the aisle. Man, in three minutes I can change channels and watch a rerun of "the Simpsons!"
RAW is WAR 30.7.2001

One corner for the Rock. Two corners for the Rock. Crowd likes Rock a heck of a lot more than I do.
RAW is WAR 30.7.2001

"Well hang on a second - quite frankly, Rock.... ["Rock E!"] I must admit, Shane's view of the facts are somewhat distorted, yet at the same time somewhat accurate. I've made a lot of really good business decisions in the past...and I've made some that were bad decisions. [Voice in crowd: "THE X F L"]
RAW is WAR 30.7.2001

THE ROCK RETURNS: No, this recap *isn't* later, even later than usual because I'm doing some form of protesting - keep your conspiracy theories to yourself, bunky. Oh boy, three minutes of ROCK ROCK ROCK - or as I like to say, FUHFUHWID
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

KURT ANGLE leads us off! Remember him? You know, the guy with the Gold Medals 'round his neck and no hair. Funny looking guy - there you go.
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

Commentators shill "Roswell" - man, you'd never DREAM that Tazz and Cole were on different sides listening to them swap witty banter thanks to the fine folks at UPN.
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

Fortunately, we go to ad break before he sticks the photo down his pants...
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

The end result is I'm sad that I know I can immediately write off a match if I see Patrick in there. Maybe they'll do something about that....maybe. (Hebner/Patrick II should NOT be the answer.)
WWF SMACKDOWN 2.8.2001

OH MAN I'VE MISSED THE ROCK MAKING LISTS
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

OH MAN TWO LISTS IN ONE PROMO ROCK E ROCK E ROCK E *cough* *cough* *sputter* ahem. I'm better now. We are saved by NAPPY T.
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

Bar that door for me, Kate, we got us a Pier Six here. Amazingly, and by "amazingly," I mean "every time this happens at the start of a WWF match," the ring quickly clears of all but two participants...
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

Austin fingers one of Debra's cookies...no, no, DAMN you have a sick mind sometimes.
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

Jeff Jarrett's music plays...but alas, it's only MRS. AUSTIN - strange that she gets WWF chyron and a WWF website plug despite being part of the Alliance (and despite the W/ECW logos in the centre of the Time Tunnel).
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

Hey Debra's wearing one o' them pornstar belts.
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

HEY WOW, it's the "Big Cat" Ernie Ladd lookalike contest winner there!
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

LANCE STORM v. KURT ANGLE in a (I guess) nontitle match - No title graphics, so I guess it's for PRAHD.
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

Man, doesn't "Rat Race" look like it either belongs back in the 1970s or airing on ABC...in the 1970s?
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

"SummerSlam is coming" - and Drowning Pool has already come and GONE
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

Taker - Taker with a JUJIGATAME? That sure LOOKS like a cross armbreaker from the Dead Man - who knew?
WWF SmackDown! 2.8.2001

AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, A SEVEN WORD REVIEW OF THE SEASON PREMIERE OF "MANHUNT:" Eh. HEY was that American Gladiator ZAP?
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Q: How can you tell the WWF stock price is at a 52-week low? A: Costs cut by using Kane's entrance in lieu of show opening pyro.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

I will NEVER get tired of people hitting van Dam in mid pose.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Earlier Today, the all-seeing cameras of the WWF caught up with Booker T at Paramount Pictures...in person to audition for a movie. The woman with the forms busts out "It doesn't MATTER what your name is" and they've already lost me.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Oops, somebody missed their cue, as we come back to a silent arena - see, the CROWD thought that was *hilarious* too - look at 'em holding their sides! They're BUSTING GUTS LAUGHING, I TELL YA!
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Oh man, even better - STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT has been married to Drowning Pool for a brand new prolonged agony-- I mean entrance.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Paul Heyman proclaims "Sinner" the "hottest album today." And if you can't trust a fat, bald, white dude who lives with his parents to tell you what's cool, who CAN you trust?
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

"As a matter of fact, there is only one word that accurately describes my brother (Shane). Shane is a GLADIATOR! Shane is a gladiator in every sense of the word - it doesn't matter what the odds...Shane McMahon always comes out on top! Shane--" And here's the Y2J countdown, about five minutes too late. I wonder what Mike Awesome thinks of that Gladiator stuff? If Shane were to star in a movie, would it be a gladiator movie? Does Shane like gladiator movies? How many more questions can I sneak in before CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO starts speaking? One more? Yes.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Here come TWO GUYS IN PLANET OF THE APES COSTUMES to Kamala's old theme (insert your own racist accusations about Kamala and apes here).
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

I'm sure that this shot of Stephanie covered in pie is supposed to be reminiscient of THE EXTREME CUMSHOT OF THE CENTURY since everybody's all IN LUV with Stephanie and all, and it'll probably go over big with the 14's and 15's, but me - I could have done without this entire bit. I mean, for crying out loud, they spent ELEVEN MINUTES building to...a pie take. Wow, think of the possibilities of the EXCITING WRESTLING MATCHES this sets up! Stephanie vs. an ape! It could very well *headline Unforgiven!*
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Stacy comes out to something that sounds like the theme to every Bowflex commercial you've ever been subjected to. Man, them's some UGLY shoes to wrestling in.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Now, NOTHING can be served by me actually attempting to CALL this match, but here we go.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Ivory in the ring....high tens all around! WOW SHE CAME BACK JUST IN TIME FOR THE SHOCKING SWERVE!! Ivory joins the Alliance - for some reason, my mind instantly flashes back to Brian Adams joining the NWO. THAT kind of IMPACT. Of course, people we haven't seen in ages suddenly reappearing, only to "turn" mere seconds later reminds me more of some OTHER booker.....gosh, who WAS that guy...
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Wow, this first forty minutes has been a real buzzkiller. It's like a glimpse through the window into the world of wrestling where everything SUCKS.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Strangely enough, the official for this match is Charles Robinson, despite the fact that there's no Alliance folks in this match that I'm aware of, and only the WWF belt is on the line. So Robinson would be there because..........yeah. It's just that kind of NIGHT, folks.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Tajiri tries to get the fans to applaud the athleticism...and almost succeeds!
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

[Booker T auditioning for a movie role sketch] I wonder if this is how New Jack's auditions usually went. "You could play Denzel's FRIEND!"
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Since Nick Patrick is the ref, and since I'm in a generally protesting type of mood, I see no need to call this action until the inevitable screwjob, but I WILL note that Storm's dropkick almost lands ABOVE Christian's head so he definitely needs to watch that.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Austin has yet another new piece of music...I guess we'll just change it weekly so as to keep the fans from having to be conflicted about reacting to it in a positive way.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Ross wonders why White doesn't disqualify him - I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Austin is booked to win this match, that's why.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

I think Paul referred to this bit [brawling through the crowd] as "an ECW specialty" like this is a GOOD thing.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

ROCK BOTTOM! 1, 2, 3! Alert the media: Shane actually jobs! (8:49)
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

T trying to help up Shane...hmm, Hebner just whispered "kick the Rock some more" to him, I think, since now he's back to stomping on the Rock until the War Zone credits are up - WWF logo and we're out.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

Remember, for the love of God - PLEASE - let the bodies hit the floor.
RAW is WAR 6.8.2001

General shouting, rah rah mirth and merriment
WWF SmackDown! 9.8.2001

Test tells them (and the world) that if you mess with him, you're gonna eat his boot. But tonight's not aboot that, it's aboot celebrating...and he's gonna get them a table at the Viper Room. Gosh I hope nobody KILLS themselves.
WWF SmackDown! 9.8.2001

YIKES - FORMER WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION DAVID ARQUETTE is in the crowd! Perhaps wisely, nobody mentions he's a former champion...
WWF SmackDown! 9.8.2001

Did you know that van Dam isn't contractually obligated to do the job until AT LEAST August, 2003? Why would I make that up?
WWF SMACKDOWN 9.8.2001

Did I mention Austin's wearing a WCW shirt? Well, what did you WANT me to do, figure out what the heck just happened between Palumbo, O'Haire and Austin or what it meant?
WWF SmackDown! 9.8.2001

NAPPY T & SHANE CAN'T DANCE are out...this entrance is transmitido en espanol SAP, by the way. Hey, guess who speaks first? That's right! The WHITE guy.
WWF SmackDown! 9.8.2001

Chimel says this match is for the "WCW tag team champions" but I think he meant something else.
WWF SmackDown! 9.8.2001

Ladies and gentlemen, we have new WCW tag team champions - and that SummerSlam match probably just became a unification bout. (4:48) I wonder what Totally Buffed think of all this.
WWF SMACKDOWN 9.8.2001

The RC cola rewind is Jericho putting a pie in Stephanie's face as two members of the Planet of the Apes watch - yuk yuk yuk In a dressing room, Hugh Morrus and Stephanie have a shouting contest. Then Morrus attempts to clue us in to what his "WWF personality" is gonna be like by adding, "Hey, how do you think he made those monkeys do that, anyway?"
WWF SmackDown! 9.8.2001

Tag to Jeff SQUEEEEEAL hey Jeff take your damn baseball cap off, this ain't a BARN, doubleteam in the corner...
WWF SmackDown! 9.8.2001

...into the opposite corner but Jeff jumps to the top rope and flies off with the Gay in the Gay, knocking down Dudley!
WWF SMACKDOWN 9.8.2001

Dear Jesus, let there PLEASE be an "American Pie" movie made EVERY year so I can spend at least one month out of every year watching "American Pie" ads
WWF SmackDown! 9.8.2001

Don't know how much time has passed, but Bubba Ray is going up for the SENTON THAT NEVER, EVER LANDS - and....get ready...he MISSES!
WWF SmackDown! 9.8.2001

Hmmm...I'd'a called it a DQ, but I guess we'll call it (No contest 5:43 + 7:23) - my cutoff point was the Pillmaniser. Hmmm, strange that I would say that so many times on the night of the Pillman Memorial. Or WAS it all that strange?
WWF SmackDown! 9.8.2001

I was a lot more gung-ho about this show back in May for some reason. Maybe I slipped out of the demographic or somethin'.
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

"Oh, ah, before I get on with these three guys, I know you got the Austin 3:16 shirt on, but you ain't even had a stupid match yet! I seen you in the back, carryin' guys' water and coffee. 'Can I get you a water? Can I get you a coffee? Can I get you a protein bar?' Can I get you to grow a damn backbone and be somebody?" Dreamer hangs his head in shame. Thanks for coming out tonight, Tommy!
RAW is WAR 13.8.2001

They leave Tazz in the ring as they get set to leave...and we raise a glass, having kissed another 21 minutes goodbye.
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

How come that guy's playing "Flashdance...What a Feeling" to that runner now instead of "Eye of the Tiger?" Say, that reminds me - have I told you about Irene Cara trying to SUE me?
RAW is WAR 13.8.2001

Storm eats a superkick, Credible gets a gutshot and Buzzkill (or, as Ross says, "What a DDT!" - because there's no better way to show you CARE than to LEARN THE NAME OF THE FINISHER) and secures the 1, 2, 3. (2:31)
RAW is WAR 13.8.2001

"Theme from a Lowering Cage" plays...
RAW is WAR 13.8.2001

Palumbo has bladed? Those be some mean soupbones, ah suppose. Either that or Taker's pissed Palumbo didn't say "hi" to him earlier in the day and IT'Z A SHOOT, MAAAAAAAAAAAN
RAW is WAR 13.8.2001

Stephanie is wearing a flower patten in camoflauge colours - which is strange, but camoflauge is usually used to make things DISAPPEAR, if you catch my drift.
RAW is WAR 13.8.2001

We take a split-screen with BEFORE and AFTER helpfully labelling the sides to let us know we're supposed to be staring at her rack, then comparing and contrasting. A lot of people will look at this and say TOLD YOU TOLD YOU but damn, *that's what they WANT you to think.* Come on. It's a *wardrobe* thing, not a *surgery* thing. Anyway, that aside isn't gonna match the storyline, so I should just stop now.
RAW is WAR 13.8.2001

At THIS point, we take the unlikely turn of NAPPY T's music starting up...and the Champ walks right by Jericho, into the ring. Hopefully he's out to put a stop to all this crappy sports entertainment I'm being forced to endure...but I doubt it.
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

That's it, I'm outta here. "Meep meep." Everything from here on in is keyed in under protest.
RAW is WAR 13.8.2001

SummerSlam ad in the local slot suggests we could still hit up TicketMaster if we wanted to see SummerSlam live at the Compaq Center - so, come on. "Sold out" is A LIE Here's a look at the Allstate Arena marquee - it too says "SOLD OUT" but now I just can't *believe* anymore
RAW is WAR 13.8.2001

Meanwhile, Jack Doan has shown up as Jeff Hardy hits the swantonbomb on van Dam - 1, 2, 3! Charles Robinson is a little taken aback. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new ROB VAN DAM ACTUALLY JOBBED HOLY SHIT (3:26)
RAW is WAR 13.8.2001

Let's see if Shane's upgraded his interview skills to match the set and graphics.
WWF SmackDown! 16.8.2001

Now, see what happens when you arrive late? Rock - is WALKING! - has missed ALL of that.
WWF SmackDown! 16.8.2001

Let's see...two segments...no sign of any wrestling yet. Maybe we were fooled by the liveness into thinking it *wouldn't* be just a pay-per-view infomercial?
WWF SmackDown! 16.8.2001

But before things escalate...a cheap ripoff of Mr. Perfect's music plays, which can only mean SHAWN STASIAK is out.
WWF SMACKDOWN 16.8.2001

(roll call: Crash, Hardcore Holly, Scotty 2 Hotty, Kai en tai, Spike Dudley, K-Kwik and Essa Rios - almost all wearing SummerSlam T-shirts: suckups)
WWF SmackDown! 16.8.2001

Here's your exterior - WOW WHAT A PARKING LOT!
WWF SmackDown! 16.8.2001

Stephanie, however, is still in the ring - Jericho is giving her a look (as if to say "damn, girl, I think absolutely EVERY wardrobe choice you made tonight is just so WRONG")
WWF SmackDown! 16.8.2001

From RAW, Taker and Kane use the cage and expose Palumbo and O'Haire for the frauds that they are
WWF SmackDown! 16.8.2001

Why is Heyman still wearing an Anarchy Rulz backstage pass? Talk about living in the past!
WWF SmackDown! 16.8.2001

TONIGHT: From the HOME OF THE KINGS, Sara challenges Diamond Dallas Page - yes, Sara - stick around, it'll get uglier!
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, AN EIGHTEEN WORD REVIEW OF "TNN'S ROBOT WARS: EXTREME WARRIORS" - It should come as no surprise to *anyone* that this series is *vastly* inferior to "Robot Wars UK."
RAW is WAR 20.8.2001

UP NEXT: The Rock! We promise! Don't let all this wrestling make you turn the channel before you miss THE ROCK!
RAW is WAR 20.8.2001

Out walks THE ROCK - I notice there's no stage set up this week. That's usually the international sign of "somebody drives a large vehicle into the arena tonight" so we'll keep one eye open.
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

T's music plays and ... yeah, your spider sense was tingling correctly....it's A MIDGET, complete with Book-esque hairstyle and "puff" flame pyro. Ross laughs to let us know it's all good clean fun, folks.
RAW is WAR 20.8.2001

Actually, take that hair off of him and he'd be a DEAD RINGER for Stevie Ray - no foolin'! Only, about 1/3 height compared to the genuine froot booty merchant.
RAW is WAR 20.8.2001

A.P.A. & SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY & THA 1 BILLY GUNN & WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ & CHUCK PALUMBO & SEAN O'HAIRE & HUGH MORRUS & TOMMY DREAMER - Man, throw in eight or nine crazy-ass submission holds and slap masks on all of 'em and you've got a preview of the next AAA pay-per-view.
RAW is WAR 20.8.2001

The chase is on - inside the ring - oops, Jericho doesn't notice Test laying in wait and the Wotsitolla Boot LANDS - and lands BIG-TIME. 1, 2, 3. Give one back to the Alliance. (2:33) Replay of the final moments. Tune in Thursday when Jericho starts talking to a MOP!
RAW is WAR 20.8.2001

MICK FOLEY is inside. He says HE never kicked out of the Stone Cold Stunner, so to see Angle do it three times - well, it was pretty inspirational. (Or pretty business exposing, he may have wanted to add, but didn't.)
RAW is WAR 20.8.2001

Let Us Take a Special Video Look at Austin Causing Mayhem and Carnage - when do they give him the motorcycle with his picture on it? Will Austin kiss Heyman? Will leaflets fall from the ceiling? Will Rick Rude come back from the dead? Will I realise I'm mixing up my continuity?
RAW is WAR 20.8.2001

Oh boy, this'll be a treat. Still, the shot of all the men of the Alliance arm-in-arm, waving their arms - very Promise Keepers - very, very amusing.
RAW is WAR 20.8.2001

Here comes Shawn Stasiak - Angle steps aside and rams him into the front of the truck. (Guy in crowd: "You suck, Meat!")
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

Man, I hope Lilian Garcia made it out before that started - well, actually, I don't care either way. Hee hee!
RAW is WAR 20.8.2001

OH NO THE GIANT FIST IS EXPLODING!
WWF SmackDown! 23.8.2001

Hardy says "hmm, we need the twelve foot high ladder in this match - I hope there's one under this ring" and WOW there it is.
WWF SmackDown! 23.8.2001

Austin grabs Stephanie's mic (GOD BLESS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN).
WWF SmackDown! 23.8.2001

Wow, we just burned a half hour outta this show.
WWF SMACKDOWN 23.8.2001

Rock finds the APA offices, studies the door - and then walks right around it (sacrilege!).
WWF SmackDown! 23.8.2001

"I'm proud of you, brother, the WCW title is finally where it needs to be." Amazingly, Faarooq fails to add "you know, I held that title eight years ago."
WWF SmackDown! 23.8.2001

Meanwhile, Edge is on the phone with Grandma Edna - Christian wants to talk to her, but she hangs up on him - that callous bitch.
WWF SmackDown! 23.8.2001

WWF Excess debuts Saturday at 10! Special Guest Host: Triple H! Will I recap it? Well.....ONCE
WWF SmackDown! 23.8.2001

Cole says that Rock will bring credibility back to the WCW title - just like a Ric Flair or a Ricky Steamboat. Gag me.
WWF SMACKDOWN 23.8.2001

Tazz shills Stacker 2 #2 - Say, does Tazz look particularly fat-burning to you?
WWF SmackDown! 23.8.2001

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where Jeff Hardy demolished a table with his body Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZ. Jeff Hardy has been diagnosed: it's ONLY bruised ribs. See, you can't *really* get hurt doing this...
WWF SMACKDOWN 23.8.2001

LAST THURSDAY: Austin screwed Jericho! Call your mom!
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

So if Rock didn't mention Jeff Jarrett as a bad champion, is that a good sign for him coming back? Not at all? Oh.
RAW is WAR 27.8.2001

TAKER (on his beautiful Something Python Bike) v. AALIYAAAAAAAAAAHLBERT (with X-Pactor) - Kane has been "hospitalized with an infected elbow," says Ross, and won't be around tonight. This is a DREAM match - those of us "in the know" of "backstage happenings" know that Taker has made known his "respect" for "Albert," which adds some "subtext" to this "match." In other words, an awful lot of "smarks" think Taker should "job," and "pass the torch," which says a lot about them right there BY THE WAY, and what more perfect opportunity to lay down for three seconds than right here? Me, I hope Taker FLATTENS this behemoth, 'cause the American Badass is UNBELIEVABLY AWESOME. Okay, soapbox away, it's time to put that play-by-play cap back on and demonstrate once again why I'm the best in the business...at dragging out paragraphs to ungodly, unreadable lengths, hiding the jokes so you can't POSSIBLY find 'em.
RAW is WAR 27.8.2001

X-Pac has his cruiserweight title belt - belt to the back - Taker calmly turns around and KO's 'Pac with a soupbone (Ha! Right now, swarms of smarks are STAMPEDING to the message boards in an effort to get the bonus points for being FIRST to say "Man, Taker even no sold a BELT shot! WAAAAAH WAAAH WAAAAAAAAAH") but Taker turns around and gets the full force of a scissors kick from Albert.
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

Helms jumps up on the table behind him and strikes the pose. "Stand back! There's a Hurricane...comin' through!" In the interests of full disclosure, I have to reveal that I'm probably not in that fine demographic of "people who are as obsessed about comix as they are about wrestling," and thus the fact that I'm not terribly impressed with this angle should come as no surprise. (You got a better idea for Helms?) Well, they could always have brought back 3 Count... (Great. I'll be over here, puking my guts out. No WONDER you like the Undertaker so much.)
RAW is WAR 27.8.2001

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: MATT HARDY (with Lita) v. HURACAN HELMS - Heyman dubs Lita "Hopalong," which I may steal later. Helms' music now begins "Stand back! There's a Hurricane coming through!" which is as good a catchphrase as any, I suppose. YIKES! Helms dons the cape and paints a mask on his face - Heyman sings the "Captain Chaos" riff, which may not exactly be a sign of approval - if one were to read into such things, which I may or may not be. Anybody with a cape is all right by me, though - Tinieblas Jr. springing immediately to mind - so consider this an official WAFFLE on the Helms project.
RAW is WAR 27.8.2001

Michael King Cole tries to catch up with Kurt Angle, who appears in hot pursuit. "Kurt, I just want to know your feelings on your tag team opponents here tonight!" "Well, you're about to find out. Raven! AHHHHHHH" and he jumps him - OH NO RIGHT INTO THE KLANGY POLES - they simply *must* be more careful about leaving klangy poles about in the backstage area!
RAW is WAR 27.8.2001

Moments Ago, last paragraph - oh good, they replayed the ENTIRE sequence. KLANG KLANG KLANG
RAW is WAR 27.8.2001

Heyman starts in with "The Alliance wishes to congratulate our newest member Test" and that makes me wonder why he'd dis Ivory like that. Maybe he doesn't like women?
RAW is WAR 27.8.2001

Rock is like Will to Power....fading away.
RAW is WAR 27.8.2001

Back to Shawn and Stacy as we learn Stasiak's diabolical plan - since Kurt Angle has made a pre-match tradition of having eight ounces of milk before every match, and since he hasn't found that milk yet, he's here in the catering area with the ol' "bucket on the door" trick prepared. Stasiak says the bucket is filled with sour, rancid milk "with extra chunks." All that's missing is the comical blueprint and box with the ACME label.
RAW is WAR 27.8.2001

At the oilcans 'n' cyclone fence set, Booker T is pacing about while Michael Cole...checks out his goodies? EEK!
RAW is WAR 27.8.2001

[Jericho and Steph] are starting to remind me of Howie Long and Teri Hatcher for some reason. Or maybe Verne Troyer and Michael Jordan - both of these guys could completely disappear and I wouldn't miss 'em AT ALL - well, okay, maybe I'm being too harsh on Troyer.
RAW is WAR 27.8.2001

Heyman starts rattling off a bunch of names ("Did Terry Funk ever hold the WCW title five times? No! Did Jack Brisco hold the WCW title five times? No! Did Dusty Rhodes hold the WCW title five times? No!") and AGAIN, Jeff Jarrett is RIGHT THERE but nobody's gonna say his name. I sure do miss that ol' blinking hat.
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

Man, I wish Buffy would come back from the dead already 'cause I sure am TIRED of all these ADS
WWF SmackDown! 30.8.2001

When we come back, Angle has made it to the parking lot...but there's no Austin to be found. Amazingly, Angle fails to ask the cameraman where Austin is...or might have gone. Looks like the car Austin was on is gone, too. Another car pulls in - Angle grabs the driver (Tommy Dreamer) and beats HIM up, instead. Hey, thanks for showing up tonight, Tommy!
WWF SmackDown! 30.8.2001

In case you can't believe the Rock just jobbed, watch this replay - then think to yourself that Rob van Dam *didn't* job, so it all falls into place...
WWF SmackDown! 30.8.2001

You ARE watching UPN - goodbye
WWF SmackDown! 30.8.2001

Kanyon with a ... ummm, I don't WHAT the heck THAT was - standing over one shoulder, hooking the other shoulder with his arm, then turning his entire body up and over, into a pinning predicament...and gets 2. Commentators, of course, can only come up with "nice!" to describe it (not that I've done any better).
WWF SMACKDOWN 30.8.2001

If you watch Hurricane's new entrance video, well, you WILL believe a boy can fly. Or maybe you won't.
WWF SmackDown! 30.8.2001

Angle calls for....some milk. Oh man. Rock regards his carton of milk...but opens it and toasts with Angle. If EITHER of those guys got ANY milk actually IN their mouths, I'd be surprised. Angle gets two more cartons of milk...man maybe this is like the GAY version of the EXTREME CUMSHOT OF THE CENTURY - smells like ratings!
WWF SMACKDOWN 30.8.2001

Also, these "inside the character" pieces hyping Star Trek: The Next Generation REALLY, REALLY suck. I could have made *hours* of "Trek This Week" public access goodness available and it would have been a lot more entertaining AND informative! But we all know that all these authors have this incest thing going with Paramount, and....oh sorry, I heard that I was talking too much about non-wrestling stuff by people who couldn't SKIP A PARAGRAPH
RAW IS WAR 3.9.2001

TONIGHT: The Rock puts the forty pounds of gold and diamonds on the line against Christian!
RAW is WAR 3.9.2001

Austin enters his dressing room to a SURPRISE! from the Alliance. Stephanie delivers a big speech, but as I'm still on vacation you don't get a transcript.
RAW is WAR 3.9.2001

Bubba Ray covers - 1, 2, 3. I don't have to tell you both men were legal...but I just did. (3:21 Contact)
RAW is WAR 3.9.2001

WOW! It's an exciting DOOR!
RAW is WAR 3.9.2001

WHY did I just type up Debra's entire spiel?
RAW is WAR 3.9.2001

The good news is, having been offline for almost a week, I have NO idea what's going on behind the scenes, and you may find this difficult to believe but it sure makes it a lot easier to enjoy these shows when you're not subjected to everybody else's opinion of it - although just KNOWING everybody still hates the Undertaker without good reason *does* still add a deep level of enjoyment to his matches...
WWF SmackDown! 4.9.2001

Here's a LIVE! shot of Kurt Angle - he's pretty pleased with himself! Lookit him drink that water like he owns the place!
WWF SMACKDOWN 4.9.2001

Post-match, Terri gives Team Xtreme what for - until Lita gives her a gutshot and Twist of Fate. THIS is the match that turned the tide in the WWF/Alliance battle! YES!
WWF SmackDown! 4.9.2001

CHRISTIAN (with Edge's music - but a solo entrance video - and Let Us Take You Back to Last Night) hits the ring. This promo will either take him to the next level...or resign him to obscurity. Not to put any pressure on him, ha.
WWF SmackDown! 4.9.2001

TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN - In certain circles of our fine business, we refer to a clash like this as a "dream match." However, I've never really run in those circles. (Test Wotsitolla Boot -> pin 4:53)
WWF SmackDown! 4.9.2001

And STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN *is* out....no, he's walking back! Hahahaha that RULES. The music stops, the video stops, the lights stop. No, it starts up again...and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out a second time. I'll go NUTS if he walks back again.
WWF SmackDown! 4.9.2001

I think Lilian needs to consider a good lawsuit.
WWF SMACKDOWN 4.9.2001

Not only does it only SEEM like there's been no wrestling for half an hour, it seems like even longer because the wrestling we *did* have thirty minutes ago was Test/Gunn!
WWF SmackDown! 4.9.2001

Time now for the Clearasil Smack of the Night! From RAW, Rock invites Booker T to just bring it - but Shane gets involved - then the APA get involved - well, let's just say that Clearasil is for people with pimples.
WWF SmackDown! 4.9.2001

Hey you know Bradshaw was never really in this match. Yeah, who cares. ONLY ME.
WWF SmackDown! 4.9.2001

Wow, hearing Holly's promo brings to mind only one question: where the HECK is STEVE BLACKMAN?
WWF SmackDown! 4.9.2001

"RVD" chant - it must CRUSH Herb Kunze to hear his fellow countrymen chanting about their veneral diseases!
WWF SmackDown! 4.9.2001

JESUS! Undertaker put over FREAKIN' KRONIK, GOD DAMMIT! What more do you WANT from him?!
WWF SmackDown! 4.9.2001

I'm still inclined to completely blow off calling Billy Gunn matches but I suppose this is a significant match for Christian, so here we go:
RAW is WAR 10.9.2001

Both men are motionless - LISTEN TO THAT CROWD! - and after FIFTEEN SOLID SECONDS OF NOTHING - finally Christian is over to take a right from Gunn...
RAW is WAR 10.9.2001

To a dressing room we go, where Test and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley are watching on a monitor...I smell an impromptu acting competition!
RAW is WAR 10.9.2001

Okay, first of all Stephanie really wants you to check out her cleavage. Second of all, if Test's career has been on such a roll, why would he need help to beat the Rock? (Well, because there's only so much you can do with a shoehorn.) What's that? (C'mon, I'll bet you A MILLION DOLLARS I know who the Rock will pick for Test's partner.) Oh. OHHHHHHHHHHH shit you're right. Third of all, if they're gonna try to spring CONTINUITY on us by reminding us - YET again - that Stephanie left Test, wouldn't it at least help if she ALSO called him "Andrew?" Or does continuity only work when it's used at 50% strength? Last but not least, IF ROCK DOESN'T MAKE IT TO UNFORGIVEN THEN BOOKER CAN'T GET THE TITLE BACK AND MY HEAD HURTS NOW Really, if you MUST book at Test/Stephanie vs. Rock match - and apparently, you MUST - there's got to be at least ONE way to better write it into effect than with this God-awful, hideous backstage vignette THING segment. Now we're moving into "say something about Stephanie and writing" territory which I try to avoid at all costs, so it's time I took a deep breath and attempted to move on.
RAW IS WAR 10.9.2001

LOOK! It's an exciting DOOR! And Kevin Kelly is NOT standing in front of it!
RAW is WAR 10.9.2001

Cole makes the face of a man who's just seen a flaky, paper thin pastry dough stuffed with a layer of apples, then a layer of walnuts, and finally sprinkled with lemon juice. (Golly, is that REALLY what Rock wants us to think of his dick as? Maybe someone should have caught up to Rock and said "I do not think that means what you think it means" or something.)
RAW is WAR 10.9.2001

Tough Enough 2 auditions are COMING! Send in your tape now - "don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!" says Ross. "Or twice," says me. YEAH I hope that "Nas-TEE" lady applies again!
RAW is WAR 10.9.2001

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ and RHYNO THE MAN BEAST (with RAW Credits & transmitido en espanol SAP & TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) v. APA and CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - My God! THIS must be that match that we'll all look back at years from now as THE PIVOTAL TURNING POINT in the WWF/Alliance shodown....ahhhhhhhh FUCK IT.
RAW is WAR 10.9.2001

Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda misses all this because he's off in the other corner, discussing the origins of the saying "Don't Mess with Texas" with Bradshaw.
RAW is WAR 10.9.2001

Booker T shadow boxes! Meanwhile, Undertaker ALSO shadow boxes! But he is *also* WALKING!!
RAW is WAR 10.9.2001

Kane - I'm begging ya - if it didn't work the FIRST time, it ain't gonna work the SECOND time - just PUT THE CHEF BOYARDEE BIG BEEFARONI DOWN, SON
RAW is WAR 10.9.2001

Inside WWF New York, there are PEOPLE!
RAW is WAR 10.9.2001

Here's a Special Video Look we've seen before - it's that same old story, really... boy tosses medals - boy kidnaps boy - boy challenges boy - boy inexplicably pins boy thanks to timely run-in from boy... ...boy.
RAW is WAR 10.9.2001

Also in the front row...and seeing ZZ Top's BILLY GIBBONS, Paul Heyman exclaims "OH MY GOD ladies and gentlemen - the Boogie Woogie Man Jimmy Valiant! MERCY!"
WWF SmackDown! 13.9.2001

Hey, I think I kept most (if not all) of my smartass comments in check...in this situation, a chronicle of events serves public interest infinitely more than some two-bit recapper's need to hear his own voice handing out pearls of wisdom to the unwashed masses, but I hope you won't mind me throwing out an observation and an opinion here...and if you do, you can stop reading right now and I won't be offended: First, Vince failed to end his remarks with "and we'll donate all the profits from tonight's show to the Red Cross." I note this in the most impartial manner possible without implied suggestion...that'll be for others to do. However, *this* one is mine: No matter *how* many people tell me what a sweetheart Stephanie McMahon is in real life, it doesn't change the fact that, to me, tonight, she came across petty, bitter, vindictive, and concerned solely with herself and twisting every available situation in that direction. And THAT....well, *that* makes me wonder if maybe it's just something she hasn't learned to suppress...to suppress, perhaps, as well as her father. Back to "normal" Monday...we hope.
WWF SmackDown! 13.9.2001

Stephanie promises that unlike last week, she won't be on commentary - she'll be on the apron, making sure this match is successful. Then she sings the theme from "Malcolm in the Middle" to Shane! Wow! (She doesn't, really.)
RAW is WAR 17.9.2001

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - oof - they're almost making me miss Chyna...almost
RAW is WAR 17.9.2001

Raven starts channelling Mr. Bill AND Mr. Hands ("I would NEVER put you in the wood chipper!" "Yes you would, you suck!" "Oh, I suck, do I?") before taping Moppy's mouth shut with duct tape, and... oh, I should also note that Raven fails to actually put his safety goggles around his eyes (they stay around his neck) and...yes....puts Moppy through the wood chipper - which actually takes a bit longer (a LOT longer) than you'd expect. I wonder what Chavo Guerrero thinks of all this.
RAW is WAR 17.9.2001

Heyman's a big ol' tease. (I think "big" is an unfortunate choice of words.) Ummm, well.
RAW is WAR 17.9.2001

T holds Tazz up - Shane with a sitout Hart Attack off the ropes. Shane is a student of the classics!
RAW is WAR 17.9.2001

Interestingly, Shane and Booker do the same kinda high five that I do when I'm at the bowling alley.
RAW is WAR 17.9.2001

How DOES Kane eat, anyway? (Duh...he takes the mask off.) Or maybe he just uses a STRAW! Yeah! (Hey, you know it's not real, right?) WHAAAT?!?
RAW is WAR 17.9.2001

Wow, Shane AND Stephanie get the falls in their respective matches tonight. I mean, who'da *thunk* it? (8:41)
RAW is WAR 17.9.2001

TORRIE SAMUDA heads out - she's got some new music that the viewing audience can actually hear.
WWF SmackDown! 20.9.2001

Torrie is trying to affect a "deer in the headlights" face...I guess.
WWF SmackDown! 20.9.2001

"What kinda woman are you, Torrie? Huh? You're pathetic! Look at ya!" Torrie..."cries," I guess. Golly, what a horrendous acting performance. Hey, Austin's right - she IS pathetic!
WWF SMACKDOWN 20.9.2001

YEAH that was good stuff. I haven't enjoyed a segment this much since Austin whupped on Cole....hmm, I'm all about Austin grievously injuring people, it seems...
WWF SmackDown! 20.9.2001

Not that it matters - the commentators spent the whole match talking about how Austin knew the pain of the piledriver despite completely failing to mention the verboten name of Owen Hart.
WWF SMACKDOWN 20.9.2001

Wow, remember when this was ALMOST a feud?
WWF SmackDown! 20.9.2001

Oh no, Rob WET himself!!
WWF SmackDown! 20.9.2001

Here's a look at the exterior of the Pyramid. I'll give you one guess what it's shaped like.
WWF SmackDown! 20.9.2001

Let Us Take You Back to RAW when Rock had another handicap match...against Test and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. This is as good a time as any to say FUHFUHWID except maybe to bring it back to watch Stephanie pin him one more time - err, maybe not.
WWF SMACKDOWN 20.9.2001

"...first and foremost, indeed, the Rock does have [does his new crotch move which is now all the rage on the playgrounds of America]...great balls of fiah!"
WWF SmackDown! 20.9.2001

Ross: "Rock's got a score to settle!" 'cause Rhyno pinned him a few weeks back. Rock immediately tags out to Bradshaw. Oops, he didn't get the Ross/Heyman memo about how much he hates Rhyno, I guess.
WWF SmackDown! 20.9.2001

PERSONAL REQUEST 2: Ha, ha, you skipped the above paragraph but I got you HERE!
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

Sorry, no comments about the Baywatch marathon; I was watching the Packers make the Redskins their collective BITCH. Gotta love the Redskins 'cause THEY LOST FOR *AMERICA!*
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

Wow, Kurt's mom is named Jackie....MY mom is named Jackie...coincidence? Also, my mother's maiden name is....yeah, right, I ain't tellin' YOU, you sneaky identity thief!
RAW IS WAR 24.9.2001

TONIGHT: Kurt Angle vs. Booker T. - and NOBODY is allowed at ringside! Well, except the commentators. And the timekeeper. And Lilian Garcia, I bet. Oh, and there'll probably be a ref in the ring. But THAT'S IT! Well, except the cameramen, maybe some sound guys, a few techs..but other than that, NOBODY allowed at ringside. By God, Commissioner Regal MEANS IT!
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

WCW U.S. TITLE: RHYNO WHO IS A MAN BEAST v. JEFF HARDY - Champion enters first because he ain't dressed like no NANCY BOY. (Which isn't to say, of course, that I wouldn't deck out like Jeff if *I* were prouder of my physique. YEAH RIGHT)
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

Backstage, Storm and Ivory discuss the strategy of their upcoming six-person match...Hurricane whooshes in with sound effect and *set a COURSE for HILARITY*
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

Here comes Molly - clothesline! Referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas thinks "aha, HERE'S somebody I can muscle back into their corner!" and does so.
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KURT ANGLE v. BOOKER T (with RAW Credits, transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) - Champion enters first because he's white.
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

Hey! I can see the bottoms of that girl's boobs! Why aren't ALL the TNN ads like this?
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

"The following contest..." Christian takes the mic from LILIAN GARCIA. YAY!
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

Let Us Take You Back to Unforgiven, where Jennifer Holliday led it all off with "America the Beautiful" - her version running roughly like this: "OWWWWWWWWWW! I LOVE AMERICA! I LOVE AMERICA! OWWWWWWWWWW! AMERICA! HEEEEEEEEEEEEY! YEEEEEEEEEEAH! OWWWWWW!" Still, she has two more Grammys than I'LL ever have, I suppose. While Ross tells us that Holliday captured "the spirit of ALL Americans," Heyman stares blankly, as if somebody'd just forced him to swallow a live goldfish...and he wasn't sure if it wasn't trying to swim back upstream.
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

van Dam limbers up - HE seems frozen in time as well. This is probably the point where Stephanie shows up and looks at his crotch...nope, it's Raven. (Wait - what are you saying about Raven then?) Ha ha, I get it. That was a good one. No, it's Raven and Terri.
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

We cut to a shot of....yikes, it's Diamond Dallas Page and he's up close for GLEEM.
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

I have to admit, my inner smark shone through and I waited this entire vignette for the Jeff Jarrett gold tooth sparkle....and I was DENIED.
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

Rock looks in a different direction as if to say "hey, how come you haven't started chanting my name yet? Don't make me come out there"
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

Well I think we could have gone all night without hearing the Rock say "afterbirth goo."
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

Stephanie throws a tantrum at the top of the ramp - Rock decides to hit the other two corners rather than continue to subject himself to a further viewing of Stephanie's "acting ability."
RAW is WAR 24.9.2001

Again, Heyman says Austin will show up tonight - and just like Monday, he promises that he'll be wearing a hell toupee.
WWF SMACKDOWN 27.9.2001

Kanyon, behind the ref's back with a ... cross between a double leg slam and a Rydeen bomb - sitout double leg powerbomb? Whatever, it looked nasty.
WWF SmackDown! 27.9.2001

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. X-PAC (with Yaaaaaaalbert) - this should be a barn burner. Cough.
WWF SmackDown! 27.9.2001

X Factor leave Show and Dudley laying and take off. Play what's passing for their music these days!
WWF SmackDown! 27.9.2001

Here comes STEPHANIE PUTS HER HAND UPON HER HIP, WHEN I DIP YOU DIP WE DIP (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) to join the commentary team.
WWF SmackDown! 27.9.2001

Ivory slaps her own ass - I have no idea why, but I wouldn't mind her doing it again until I could figure it out.
WWF SmackDown! 27.9.2001

"Behold - the Hurricycle!" Yikes. Hurricane deposits Molly in a sidecar and revs it up...and they take off. And I think the WORST part is...NONE of those people gathered nearby and watching lifted a FINGER to stop it!
WWF SmackDown! 27.9.2001

Ervin J. Nutter has his name on this building! Don't you wish YOU had a name like Ervin J. Nutter?
WWF SmackDown! 27.9.2001

"Well...excuse the Rock one second. (OH MY GOD - ROCK TURNS TO THE CAMERA) Would you like to hear Kurt Angle sing a song?" "Who are you talkin' to?" (OH MY GOD - KURT ANGLE CAN'T SEE THE CAMERA)
WWF SmackDown! 27.9.2001

It takes Cole less than five seconds to use the word "chemistry" in an attempt to drive the point home with the viewer.
WWF SMACKDOWN 27.9.2001

Opening Credits - note that there is no
RAW is WAR, there never has *been* a
RAW is WAR - this - is - RAW
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

On one hand, it's everything back to normal (the American flag is gone from the back video wall - who had "two weeks" in the pool?), just like the president asked us.... and yet...... isn't the fact that somebody felt they had to change the damn name of the damn show PROOF that the terrorists have gotten what they wanted? [ Yeah, yeah....there are plenty of other, better examples. This one, however, happens to *actually be relevant to the topic I claim to regularly display expertise in*. See how it works, everybody? Pass it along to your favourite wrestling writer... ]
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

[The complete silence from the audience is made twice as apparent by Ross' forced chuckle - THAT one went over like a fart in a church]
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Austin's music fails to play, and Austin fails to come out. Heyman swears his sources told him Austin would NOT be here - which, given Heyman's sources complete failure to properly predict Austin's whereabouts on two separate occasions LAST week, should seem to guarantee Austin would show. Anyway, I *could* be reading too much into this. The bottom line is nothing happens. LISTEN TO THAT CROWD!!
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

When the Rock makes lists, I start wondering what's on the other channels....
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

And here to take up the challenge is SHANE DUDLEY - WAIT, SHANE'S NOT A DUDLEY.
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Can someone PLEASE tell me why Shane doesn't strip the Rock RIGHT NOW? WITHOUT all this matchmaking stuff? WITHOUT all these stipulations? (Well, silly, that's not how they *wrote* it.) You know, what you've said applies on a whole level you probably didn't even IMAGINE back when you were saying it just then. Think about it. Back to our witty dialog in the meantime. "Ass hole!"
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Oh, that's so untrue, that's SO untrue, Kurt! Not only do I have a strudel, but I got the whole damn bakery down there!" There it is - the one line this whole segment was built around. Thanks, DICE. AOH!
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

"...and Kurt, I'm challengin' you tonight In That Very Ring for da World Wrestling Federation championship. How you like that?" Damn, he DOES think he's Dice.
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

"Shane, I'm likin' that just fine. Well we'll see if you have a strudel or a Twinkie. Let's go. Woow!" What the FUCK does that MEAN? WHO is WRITING this SHIT?
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

For an encore, Shane walks down to ringside - I guess he'll just take 'em both on simultaneously...or, maybe THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ will sneak out through the crowd and give the Pearl Harbor treatment - wait, can I still say that or will people be offended?
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

You know that ad where Michael Jordan tries out all the hairdos and then points to his bald head and says "stick with the original?" Well....I remember him HAVING HAIR when he debuted Oh, of course I *also* remember him saying he'd be wearing a 45 jersey forever out of respect, and we all know how long THAT lasted. Come to think of it, just GO AWAY MICHAEL JORDAN (Hey HYPOCRITE - what does THIS have to do with wrestling?) Well of COURSE I'm a hypocrite! Would you read me if I *wasn't?*
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

This must be one of those MAGIC FAX machines that makes noise as part of the audio track of the show, 'cause it's making noise...
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Heyman drops his headset in shock at the paper that came from the FAX machine - perhaps he's wondering how a FAX machine could actually WORK, given that there aren't any phone lines actually extending out to the commentary table, NAAAAAAH. Anyway, Heyman stands on the commentary table and addresses the masses.....oops, but his mic doesn't work. Well ain't THAT a pissah.
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: SPIKE DUDLEY (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. THE HURACAN - STILL no sign of Molly Holly since Hurricane made like Bastion Booger and gave her a Trip to the Batcave...
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Flying jalapeno! Neckbreaker! Wow, Ross actually mentions something that happened on Heat (Spike defeating Mike Awesome)!
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

While Dudley is hung up, Hurricane applies the Eye of the Hurricane (or, as called by Ross, the "...") 1, 2, 3. Champ retains. (2:15) To Ross' credit, he DOES know the name of the WWF guy's finisher...
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Molly, like all modern-day superheroes, is decked out in pink and black (oh, the symbolism of it all!) - Hurricane sweeps her off her feet, get outta my dreams and into my sidecar...and off they ride...
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Back to Spike, who looks bummed. We zoom in to take a good look at the scar tissue on his forehead.
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Heyman lovingly clutches the FAX to his ample bosom.
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Torrie Wilson stands at the oilcans and cyclone fencing set (with new "RAW" logo, mind you) - she'll chat with Lilian Garcia NEXT! Hmmm, so Finkel isn't just ring announcing so Garcia can take a vacation? Have my prayers been answered!?
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

And now, Lugz presents the WWF Boot of the Week! From SmackDown!, Booker T, Test and Shane help the Dudley Boyz use their boots to....um....3D Rock through a table. Um...with their BOOTS. Umm.....yeah. Boot of the Week. 3D. Boots. Boots. Hey, look over there!
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Ross welcomes us to "the RAW Zone" - the WWF's new name for the second hour of the show, replacing the War Zone. "War Zone" at least had some semblance of meaning beyond its titular capacity, while "Raw Zone" means just about as much as....say.... "Discovery Zone."
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Ross asks who would have gotten the title if that HAD been on the table - as if anybody had ACTUALLY thought that far ahead. Gosh, there's no tension at all between the Dudleyz about only one title and two of them, huh? That's just GOOD CHARACTER WRITING, isn't it.
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

I guess Ross isn't smart enough to look at the number at the top of the FAX and see if it's local, though.
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Ivory turns round and reveals what MIGHT be a cutout in the back of her pants and MAYBE something that MIGHT be the top of the crack of her ass...or perhaps it's just an incredible simulation. Whatever, I bet it makes the kids happy.
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Maven turns his back...and Tazz clamps on the Tazzmission. "Welcome to the big time, kid! Your opponent is ME." Actually, what should have surprised Maven is that he found out who his opponent was going to be...AND it wasn't the night of the show that he found out!
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

Shane reverses into the UGLIEST floatover DDT I've ever seen - and I've seen the ROCK do that move!
WWF RAW 1.10.2001

TONIGHT: Dudley Boyz & Nick Patrick v. Rock & Chris Jericho & Mike Chioda! OH BOY WRESTLING REFS! TONIGHT: Stacy Keibler vs. Torrie Wilson in a bikini contest! OH BOY WRESTLING BIKINI CONTEST!
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

Then, the ghost of Graham Chapman appeared and said "but it's not a PROPER punchline!" but everybody ignored him.
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

Ross says that Spike decided to compete in this match rather than go out for a night on the town with the Show - that means that either the writers decided what they had in mind was gonna REALLY suck, or that it was gonna cost too much for a coupla midcarders, or actually they never had anything in mind and couldn't come up with some skits on short notice, or (and this is the most likely possibility) some other reason entirely.
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

Here's a Special Video Look at Maven - or, as I like to call him.....well, Maven. Counting the number of times Snow says "charisma" in this piece reminds me that K-Kwik has been released.
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

POINTS TO SELF v. KURT ANGLE (with SAP transmitido en espanol) in the most important nontitle match on the face of the earth, the most important match in the history of mankind, and the most important match I have recapped in this paragraph -
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

Can you imagine the skill and drama it takes for Torrie Wilson to deliver these line? "Okay, Tajiri - is THIS bikini okay? Tajiri, I am SO looking forward to this tonight! You do not even know." No.....you don't
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

KANE v. NAPPY T - Both men have something to prove. For Booker T, it's that he didn't deserve the snub in the vote to determine Angle's opponent. For Kane, it's that he can actually come out and wrestle a singles match despite having fallen off the Atkins diet wagon.
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

Want the first season of Tough Enough on video or DVD? Why didn't you tape it for free when it was airing, you knucklehead? NOW you gotta pony up the dough and call this number!
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

They play Sunny's music as they strip - is it just me, or did they deliberately find a nonflattering bikini for Stacy in order to make sure Torrie'd win? Not that there was gonna be a problem - the girl with the bigger tits ALWAYS wins, right?
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

Stacy slaps Coach silly - probably ruining his equilibrium for six weeks (or until it stops being funny to write into the plotlines).
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 again - again - what an awful ad this is. I'm so tired of seeing it. YOU'RE tired of READING about it. Right? We agree!
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

Hey, did you know Nick Patrick is the son of the Masked Assassin? (Yeah, I told you that actually.) I'm sure I could explain how exactly this match came about, but......let's face it, when I'm this late I only get about 20% of my normal hits anyway, so why overexert my brain? Still, I WILL evoke some nostalgia by reminding long-time WWF viewers that back about ten years ago, Chioda was pro wrestling's KING FROSTED MULLET and man *those* were they days, weren't they? Hey, go back and check the tapes if you don't believe me.
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

Hey, you know what this match REALLY needs? RIGHT! Teddy Long coming out and tying one of Jericho's hands behind his back! AND Scott Dickenson holding a dress!
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

Bubba Ray with a snapmare for Jericho...wow, it's a reverse headlock but also a seated abdominal stretch! Go ON, big Bubba!
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

Hey, you know what this was? This was like a house show dark match main event....except this time, it happened to be the SmackDown! main event. W-E-I-R-D.
WWF SmackDown! 4.10.2001

Can I say one thing? It's all well and good for JR to use Ross Report space to tell us not to bitch out the writers when we perceive crap on our television screen, but it's ANOTHER thing to put something on our television screen that WON'T be perceived as crap instead - I shouldn't have to tell you, the major difference being that one way will make you a heck of a lot more money in the long run, and the other way will alienate enough of your audience that you've become an EX-business. (I don't think it'll go that far, but who ever thought WCW would really go out of business? May we live in interesting times.)
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

The news never stops: it's the first ever lingerie match at No Mercy - Stacy Keibler vs. Torrie Wilson - set phasers to stroke.
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

Ross can't tell Stacy and Torrie apart - I guess all them white women look alike or something.
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

Good God, Stephanie is doing the Elaine Benes dance...if she had her hand surgically attached to her hip.
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

"Choke on that, assclowns!" I think he meant "slapnuts."
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

Yikes! She bends over, ass to the camera, and hits the "Luke Skyywalker album cover" pose.
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

(zoom out - she's still smiling between her legs - err, that was an unfortunate choice of words)
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

Booker T pinned Kane last Thursday, and by showing this clip I *believe* they're trying to signal a runin for later in this match...which, by the way, is JUST one of what this show needs another. (Good God, your grammar is horrendous.) NOBODY CARES.
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

Back to the ring where Booker is looking at his hand....but, sure enough, TAKER is out - gutshot, Last Ride, are you kidding me, Jeff with a swantonbomb, Robinson is miraculously back in the ring - 1, 2, 3. Well, fuck. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new WCW tag team champions....and golly, for being the most important WCW tag team title match ever, that sure sucked! (3:40)
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

Meanwhile, Lita congratulates the Hardyz on their win and leaves them to shower (together) -
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

Why does Ross keep calling him "Mr. Christian" like he's a Night Ranger song?
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

Christian in with a chair - Edge spears him! Play Rob Zombie! Wonder what you're doing with your life!
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

Heyman asks Ross who is the better athlete, RVD or Shane. Ross actually *waffles* on the answer - is he NUTS? "Shane" is to "athlete" as "CRZ" is to "writer." Okay, that might be overly harsh...on me.
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

McMahon and van Dam congratulate each other - then meet up with Stephanie and the rest of the Alliance for a big celebration. Hey, there's Tommy Dreamer! Thanks for coming out tonight, Tommy!
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

Refs and officials are ineffective at pulling Rock and Jericho apart. Now that's just so sad. To think how all this could have been avoided....excuse me, I need a moment. Sniffle. Say, is this why all those Jericho T-shirts went on clearance at the Shop Zone?
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

WWF LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: SCOTTY 2 HOTTY (with Subway presents No Mercy in thirteen days!) v. X-PAC - One nice thing that Ross does before the match begins is bulletpoint everything that's happened up to this point in the show. Now, that doesn't exactly make up for spending this entire match talking exclusively about Stone Cold Steve Austin, but alas, we must take the bad with the good.
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

What kinda hero wears pink and black, anyway?
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

Are these guys tired of running the ropes yet? 'cause I'm tired of typing it.
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

You know, it's not like I had any sort of clue what the answer WAS for the WWF... but my gut's telling me this wasn't it.
WWF RAW 8.10.2001

Moments Ago, Linda brightened all our nights
WWF SmackDown! 11.10.2001

Shane wonders who the new commissioner is - and what other announcements are gonna be made tonight. Then he DOESN'T look directly into the camera and say "stay tuned to find out - TONIGHT - ON SMACKDOWN!" but I think he WANTED to.
WWF SmackDown! 11.10.2001

You know what, if I hadn't been told about the "CRZ IS WALKING" sign out in the crowd during this entrance, I probably would have completely missed it myself! HEY HYATTE WHERE ARE YOUR SIGNS NOW? Sorry, I always wanted to do that.
WWF SmackDown! 11.10.2001

Commentators hype Buffy & Roswell - the way the ratings are going, they're going to need BUFFY to hype THEM
WWF SmackDown! 11.10.2001

X-Pac - OH GOOD LORD he's going for a powerbomb - YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! You'd think he'd know that.
WWF SmackDown! 11.10.2001

Kidman backs up to the corner - YIKES - let's call it a "sitout facefirst reverse crucifix powerbomb" and hope nobody notices
WWF SmackDown! 11.10.2001

(Trivia: When was the last time Hebner didn't take a shot in his match?)
WWF SmackDown! 11.10.2001

Kurt Angle talks about life on the road - and how he plans to later divorce his wife. No, wait...buy the book, that can't be right.
WWF SmackDown! 11.10.2001

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - again - again - I almost miss those Kane pasta ads
WWF SmackDown! 11.10.2001

Maven STILL hasn't bought any ringwear - man, he had a whole WEEK!
WWF SmackDown! 11.10.2001

WILLIAM REGAL v. KURT ANGLE - is it just me is it four minutes to the end of the show? I smell the earthy aroma of squash in the air...
WWF SmackDown! 11.10.2001

TOMMY DREAMER is out with a chair - Angle takes it from him - WHACK! Thanks for coming out, Tommy!
WWF SmackDown! 11.10.2001

That's it. I don't wanna hear from you until Monday!
WWF SMACKDOWN 11.10.2001

Oh boy! Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley on the cover of WWF Magazine! Buy it and PISS ON THE COVER!
WWF RAW 15.10.2001

Kurt Angle talks about his drunk father to sell books! ("Hey, that's outta line!") All right, YOU tell me what he's doing. ("Well....okay, that's EXACTLY what he's doing, but couldn't you have said it NICER?")
WWF RAW 15.10.2001

And *speaking* of Nidia (MEOW!), she....comes in the ring post-match and does nothing. WOW! I think Taylor could have done that better.
WWF RAW 15.10.2001

Stephanie emotes while Rhyno watches. Trust me, I'm doing you a *favour* by blowing this off.
WWF RAW 15.10.2001

Let Us Take You Back Two Years to RAW - aww, Rock has sideburns. Oh man, they cut out the BITCHBITCHbitch part. Aww, Jericho has a shiny shirt and a bleached unicorn hairdo. Those were good times.
WWF SmackDown! 18.10.2001

RAVEN AND TOMMY DREAMER IN PARTY HATS OMG THIS RULES.
WWF SMACKDOWN 18.10.2001

Debra: "Hey! And guess what? I made the Debra cookies. They're good, aren't they?" Test is eating them....Booker has a longer memory. (Continuity!)
WWF SmackDown! 18.10.2001

Ha ha - Hugh Morrus using his party hat as a megaphone.
WWF SMACKDOWN 18.10.2001

A black limousine pulls up. The cameraman helpfully zooms in and out, but nothing happens.
WWF SmackDown! 18.10.2001

Bradshaw called Molly fat? Man, Bradshaw SUCKS.
WWF SmackDown! 18.10.2001

Where's my "DAMN." T-shirt?
WWF SmackDown! 18.10.2001

Tazz holds up a Stacker 2 truck - but I'll bet that guy runs out and STILL has to go to the store with Trish Stratus later
WWF SMACKDOWN 18.10.2001

Psst....this was a pretty good match - mostly 'cause Taker rules.
WWF SmackDown! 18.10.2001

Earlier this week, Linda McMahon announced that WWFE would be donating a million bucks to Mayor Giuliani. Here's a Special Video Look at that big photo op - wow, Linda is ALMOST as tall as Rudy!
WWF SmackDown! 18.10.2001

Holy cats, Justin Credible is still employed?
WWF SmackDown! 18.10.2001

"You're pathetic, you know that?" No, what's pathetic are those punches, Christian! (Meow!)
WWF SmackDown! 18.10.2001

Funny....I don't actually remember hearing from Angle tonight. How did he become an afterthought again?
WWF SmackDown! 18.10.2001

van Dam kicks him in the face with his free leg, shaking him off. Speaking of which, I think van Dam forgot to shake it off when he left the bathroom (okay, two pee jokes is enough, I think) but MAN it's so OBVIOUS looking!
WWF SmackDown! 18.10.2001

Vince gives a lecherous look to his wife. Yikes! They start to embrace...but fortunately, we're spared Linda and Vince making out in the ring - unfortunately, we're spared it by "Brand New Money" and SHANE CAN'T...and STEPHANIE CAN'T EITHER. Hey, maybe THEY'LL make out!
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

"Why don't you TWO OLD PRUNES just DRY UP and BLOW AWAY. I mean, really, you've survived long enough, Mom and Dad, why don't you just MOVE ON DOWN to Florida and retire with the rest of the elderly people." There may be a Dusty Rhodes joke in there, I'm not sure.
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Lita and Trish hug - oh, see, they're friends now, okay. Who can remember back that far, anyway?
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Chris Jericho is WALKING! And by golly, that WCW title belt is over his shoulder where *everybody* can see it (including CHRIS JERICHO nameplate)...and you know, there ain't NOTHIN' wrong with THAT.
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Oh, that was the whole segment.
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - the choice of stereotypical Italian-Americans everywhere
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Well look who's back. It's he, it's he, it's DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE and he's got a headset mic on so he can gesticulate wildly with BOTH hands....that is, when he's not effecting that freakish grin.
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Hey, that was LIKE a match....right? Let's take another ad break!
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Angle drops down and grabs an ankle - ANGLELOCK! AND RHYNO TAPS!!!!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new United States Champion! (11:30) Reaction shot from Shane and Stephanie - and Vince and Linda - and back and forth about a MILLION times between them. Hey! I got a CRAZY idea - LET'S STOP LOOKING AT McMAHONS AND LOOK AT ANGLE!
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

You don't need me to TELL you "that was a good match" to know that was a good match, right? .....right?
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Meanwhile, Hurricane has climbed to the top - hurriplancha - HOLY GEEZ HAYDEN he just tried to kill himself...
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Replay of the clothesline that doesn't work - and the one that does. If Faarooq were here, he'd probably say... "Damn." Ol' Uncle Zebekiah would be proud.
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

If you look REAL carefully, you'll see Regal start to lose it and break out laughing just before they fade to black (say, did any of the other recappers notice this?)
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER WHO IS AWESOME & KANE (with Earlier Tonight) v. T (with WrestleMania X8 tickets go on sale in *12* days! Check out WrestleMania.com!) and T T THIS IS A T - this is, what, the third time these guys have gone at it in a tag match? Honestly, do you think they would keep DOING it if it weren't SOMEHOW resonating with a large portion of the fanbase?
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Taker gives Test a big boot, the pile shifts and the next thing you know, Kane's taking Test out with a TOMBSTONE!!! 1, 2, 3! AWESOME. (8:11) (Hey, did you *see* that? Test just gave back his PPV win! It's an OUTRAGE!) SHADDUP I said that was AWESOME
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Yay, van Dam points to himself again!
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Show is KILLING him - if van Dam ends up winning this, it's sure gonna SUCK.
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Okay, that didn't suck as much as I thought it would - even though the champ retains by essentially no-selling a chair to the face. (4:46) Oh no, I think he pissed himself again.
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Ummm, why are they showing "Baywatch" right now with a WWF-scratch TNN logo? (And did this happen on the live feed... or just the Pacific feed?) And why - WHY - do they risk BRAIN DAMAGE just to get HIGH for THREE SECONDS...oh, Mitch...you're so right. You're ALWAYS right, Mitch. We all should pattern our lives after you. Now where's KITT? And now it's a black screen. How nice. And now it's segment 6 of "Baywatch!" I know this from the nice still store that says "TNN EPISODE #28 PROD #3012 BAYWATCH "SHOWDOWN AT MALIBU BEACH HIGH" SEGMENT 6 CBenker 10/10/01 Betegeuse" WOW that Mitch can really work the heavy bag, can't he? He's so...DREAMY. I wonder if he's ever done any singing? Maybe released some compact discs? Hey *FINALLY*, we're back after three minutes of the wrong feed...
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a buttload of new champions tonight.
WWF RAW 22.10.2001

I also heard that the east coast got some unexpected Star Trek during the final Linda/Vince moments, as opposed to the unexpected Baywatch the west coast got during the opening minutes of the final segment. Hey, put the two shows together, you might get a complete final segment!
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting more over than, say, Haku - at least, it's getting more television time
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

I GET LETTERS: The Cubs Fan astutely notes: I think the best part of Heyman randomly remembering that Awesome and Dreamer didn't get along eightneen months ago is that, when they temporarly unite, no one remembers that RVD and Raven didn't get along all of two months ago.
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

Tazz hijacks ANOTHER truck of Stacker 2 - honestly, you think the law enforcement officials would notice a PATTERN by now
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.10.2001

Wow, Omaha actually has a SKYLINE? Good for them!
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.10.2001

It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting more over than, say, Essa Rios - at least, it's getting more television time
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting more over than, say, D'Lo Brown - at least, it's getting more television time
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

Good God - "Buffy: the Musical?" WHY?
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting more over than, say, Billy Gunn - at least, it's getting more television time
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting more over than, say, Bull Buchanan - at least, it's getting more television time
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

- is it just me, or is that Chad Patton wearing the WCW ref shirt? OH MY GOD - CHAD PATTON HAS JUMPED TO THE ALLIANCE AND THE BALANCE OF POWER HAS SHIFTED AND SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT CAN NEVER BE THE SAME or maybe I'm just not supposed to notice stuff like that. On the other hand, it all starts with the little things.....oh well, let's watch this match.
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

T looks around in disbelief as if to say "this is the WWF, right? Wasn't he supposed to hit a finisher before he pinned me?"
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.10.2001

Foley hits the "DDP taught me yoga" pose on the Twister mat (yikes) and tells us Al Snow and Tazz is next!
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting more over than, say, Steve Blackman - at least, it's getting more television time
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

Linda, the camera's on you....Linda? Okay, thanks.
WWF SMACKDOWN 25.10.2001

It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting more over than, say, Val Venis - at least, it's getting more television time
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

Shane grabs her and holds her arms back, arching her back to thrust out her ample bosoms...oh, wait...
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting more over than, say, Crash - at least, it's getting more television time
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

Moments Ago! They acted so nice, we had to view it twice - that Linda's a real hottie, yo
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

She breaks down (hey, wood can't cry!)
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

Pippi Longstockings - sorry, Jeff, awaits a tag - and gets it!
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

Paul is quick to tell us that the Dudleyz are the first team to win the ECW, WWF and WCW tag team championships...which isn't as big a deal as the Road Warriors winning four different world titles, but they're not on my screen right now.
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

Lita seems puzzled that Matt would actually get distracted by some other woman's ass, see, 'cause SHE knows he doesn't really LIKE girls....what?
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting more over than, say, Perry Saturn - at least, it's getting more television time
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

Cole: "The Rock is a class act - no whining, no complaining after losing the WCW title at No Mercy, giving Y2J his due..." Cole, are you NUTS? He's brought up the damn chair EVERY CHANCE HE'S HAD. He's a WHINER. WHINY ROCK WHO IS A WHINER, I should be calling him.
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

Rock finds a chair - ROCK FINDS A CHAIR?!? AFTER ALL THAT WHINING ABOUT JERICHO ROCK GOES FOR A CHAIR? Oh, but it's LEGAL in this match - so Rock's NOT a WHINY WHINER, right?
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

Rock with a gutshot - and DDT on the chair! Hey Rock, you didn't like it when CHRIS JERICHO used the Stroke on a chair to YOU...whiner.
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

And of course, the last thing we hear...is Cole shilling a McMahon/McMahon Street Fight on Monday. THIS will bring the ratings? I don't know...maybe it would be better if they could somehow insert Austin's watch into the main event...
WWF SmackDown! 25.10.2001

LAST THURSDAY: Here's the set of clips that usually opens the show. My cable (fortunately?) cuts out at this point - we pick it up after a minute and a half... How come my cable doesn't cut out during the ADS, hmmm? WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: ROB VAN DAM v. KING EDGE (with Rob Zombie CD cover) - HOLD THE PHONE! Why is Rob van Dam competing for a WWF title? Isn't Vince trying to get the hardcore title OFF van Dam? But now van Dam gets to go for ANOTHER piece of WWF hardware? That DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. We can only assume Edge will go over somehow, since they didn't pursue the more logical match story of Edge/van Dam for the hardcore championship - if Edge gets a fall in THAT scenario, the hardcore title changes hands and you'd think they probably want to keep the belts where they are. OR, and this could be even more likely, they need a run-in and DQ in here and a hardcore match wouldn't get that accomplished - in which case I stand by my original "plot in hole is symptomatic of weak thinking writer" bitching. Hey, I guess I could STOP bitching and "get to the damn match, already," though, couldn't I?
WWF RAW 29.10.2001

Edge rolls out to the apron and pulls himself up. van Dam runs the ropes and puts him onto the floor with...not a roaring elbow - more of a whispering elbow.
WWF RAW 29.10.2001

Edge hits the DDT, which you and I knew as the Buzzkiller and Ross knew as the Impaler - but which is NOW known as the Edge-ucution - or to Ross NOW as the Executioner (well, he's getting there) - at any rate, as Tony would say "that's his move!" and guess what - 1, 2, 3 and van Dam actually gets pinned.
WWF RAW 29.10.2001

See, put enough theories out there and one of 'em's GOTTA be right!
WWF RAW 29.10.2001

I might as well point out that X-Pac had the most prominent seat in this shot....which probably makes him a red herring THIS time. ("Man, you waffle more than an IHOP.") It's called SHARING MY THOUGHT PROCESS and PROVIDING ANALYSIS. ("Well, you're half right on the analysis part - the first half of the word at least.")
WWF RAW 29.10.2001

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE is out to kill off another segment.
WWF RAW 29.10.2001

I'm not going to bitch again about how the Alliance is getting another shot at a WWF title, BUT I COULD.
WWF RAW 29.10.2001

I don't know about you, but I've always thought that looking at the exterior of the Freedom Hall would certainly be one of the highlights of television
WWF RAW 29.10.2001

Rock looks him up and down...locks eyes with him - is he gonna kiss him? - no, he just walks away.
WWF RAW 29.10.2001

Taker pulls himself up into the ring... And we break away because Shane McMahon is WALKING! Vince McMahon, also, has caught wind of the latest craze - WALKING!
WWF RAW 29.10.2001

Shane finally tries the baseball slide out but Vince is waiting - right, (bell rings) right, right, and Shane trips on the ramp. Vince mounts and punches. I DARE Jim Ross to call this "bowling show ugly."
WWF RAW 29.10.2001

Shane has made sure to wear a well-tucked-in shirt underneath his jersey lest we catch sight of his abs - and I'm not sure how we would underneath the layers of ("hey, that's a low blow - you ain't YOUR ideal weight, neither.") Yeah, but I hide behind a computer to look thin.
WWF RAW 29.10.2001

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO right behind Angle NOOOOO ANGLE JUST CHAIRED JERICHO WAS IT INTENTIONAL OR AN ACCIDENT OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ANGLE JUST CHAIRED ROCK IT WAS NOT AN ACCIDENT NO NO NO ANGLE CHAIRS TAKER ANGLE CHAIRS KANE NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO Austin picks up Vince - KICK WHAM STUNNER (kinda) and Shane's put on top - OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - 1, 2, 3 WHYYYYYYYYYYY(11:11)YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Shane, Austin and Angle are the last men standing...Houston, we have a problem.
WWF RAW 29.10.2001

LAST MONDAY: I know, I don't believe it either - it seems so long ago, and on a different coast. The one thing I want you to notice from this set of clips is that while Shane is lying down on the mat, *he makes sure to adjust his jersey* lest somebody tries checking out his....let's say "abs" but YOU know what I mean.
WWF SMACKDOWN 1.11.2001

I am SHOCKED and OFFENDED this first twenty minutes wasn't devoted to PROMOS and INTERVIEWS
WWF SmackDown! 1.11.2001

MOMENTS AGO! Three paragraphs ago - notice that ROCK started the fisticuffs here - ROCK delivered the second Rock Bottom - ROCK is the whiny whiner who whines
WWF SmackDown! 1.11.2001

Jeff does the Vulcan mind meld on Lita.
WWF SmackDown! 1.11.2001

Hey, wanna see something interesting? During this Nike ad where the ballplayers sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" in different languages, hit the close captioning - it's all in English. Sorta defeats the purpose of the ad, don'cha think?
WWF SmackDown! 1.11.2001

TONIGHT: It's the big one - Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Undertaker! "The biggest main event in the history of SmackDown!" says Cole - hmmm, I guess TLC3 must have been SHIT
WWF SmackDown! 1.11.2001

That guy in the second row is STILL blowing bubbles
WWF SMACKDOWN 1.11.2001

Is Kane the biggest topcarder to not have his own website yet?
WWF SmackDown! 1.11.2001

To his credit, Cole's said "how come Angle is teaming with the man who threw his medals into the river?" about once a match.
WWF SmackDown! 1.11.2001

This is a match you can point to to prove two things that are always said but seldom backed up with actual evidence when you ask for it: 1) Kane still has potential and deserves the spot he gets near the top of the card, and 2) Kurt Angle deserves your wrestler of the year vote because he's been so consistently good with so many different wrestlers this year. And the BEST part is they still did FIVE MINUTES after the crap run-in. What a good match.
WWF SMACKDOWN 1.11.2001

Back in the Room of Fun, Angle kisses his medals (doesn't he know where they've been?)
WWF SmackDown! 1.11.2001

I've figured it out! Regal's theme sounds like a WebTV MIDI file.
WWF SmackDown! 1.11.2001

Survivor Series is proudly presented by XBOX - how come nobody's ever *embarrassed* to present something?
WWF SmackDown! 1.11.2001

I'm not going to note the coincidental cutting way back of McMahons in relation to my "McMahon-free" recap, but I WILL say that it's good to know that a lot of people were as annoyed as I was...and that the WWF took steps and worked on it. It was probably more of a Sweeps thing, anyway. (Smiley)
WWF SmackDown! 1.11.2001

Today at WWF New York, Albert, Tommy Dreamer, and Justin Credible were tellin' the kids about Respect, Education, Achievement, and Leadership - get it? Get REAL - R.E.A.L. okay yeah cheesy - plus, are you ready to learn about life from Albert, Tommy Dreamer and Justin Credible? THERE'S a trio.
WWF SmackDown! 1.11.2001

LAST THURSDAY: Wow, that Rock sure is a whiner. Hey, clips from Rebellion! At Vince's behest, Jericho offers the hand - JERICHO offers the hand - and Rock takes it. "Hey Rock! Try not to lose another big one....again." And, sure enough, Rock starts throwing punches. It's always ROCK throwing the punches...did you notice that? 'cause he's a WHINER
WWF RAW 5.11.2001

Hey, Ross just happened to drop the fact that the Women's title is currently vacant...so there you go. I wonder if he could tell the people behind WWFtitlehistory.com about that - they still list Chyna as champion.
WWF RAW 5.11.2001

Attention, fans - the commentators are finally *actually talking about this match.*
WWF RAW 5.11.2001

Here's a replay - it looks just as ugly as it did in real time.
WWF RAW 5.11.2001

Christian wears a Diamondbacks jersey...because sometimes, the best heat is local heat. Besides, he's gotta do SOMETHING to get this crowd involved - they've been deader than...well, I won't say it but I'm ASHAMED that you're thinking it.
WWF RAW 5.11.2001

LOOK EVERYBODY! THE UNDERTAKER IS SELLING AND YOU SUCK IF YOU HATE HIM BECAUSE YOU THINK HE DOESN'T SELL
WWF RAW 5.11.2001

Angle leaves the ring and follows after Austin. I think he wants another hug! I think Austin wants him to put his hat back on. But then, I'm reading into all of this - we've already gone to the ad break
WWF RAW 5.11.2001

Oh, God - it's the people who believe they're Klingons. These are the Trekkers that embarrass other Trekkers, BELIEVE me. Didja ever notice that all the really FAT guys are Klingons? There's a REASON for that.
WWF RAW 5.11.2001

Stacy rides a table down the ramp - ewww, there's a big greasy spot left on the table!
WWF RAW 5.11.2001

Earlier tonight, inside WWF New York, Billy Gunn and Chuck Palumbo introduced themselves as the newest tag team in the WWF. My sources indicate that current team names being bandied about for these guys include "The Two," "the Ass Event," "Jungle Gunn (O-E-O-E-O)," "I gave up Big Show for CHUCK PALUMBO?" and "We'll never see these guys except on Jakked anyway, so who cares."
WWF RAW 5.11.2001

HEY LOOK A "STEPH CAN'T ACT" SIGN - IT AIN'T JUST ME, FOLKS
WWF SmackDown! 8.11.2001

My stopwatch is talking to me - it says "Stacy took five seconds to get in the ring - then only spent five seconds in the ring until she got out again." My stopwatch wants an episode of Heat written around it.
WWF SmackDown! 8.11.2001

And now it's time for a Contractually Obligated Apron Appearance by Stacy - shake that ass, show me whatchoo workin' with.
WWF SMACKDOWN 8.11.2001

Oh boy, "Iron Chef USA!" - it's not too late to kill yourself NOW
WWF SmackDown! 8.11.2001

MOMENTS AGO! It was a veritable festival of run-ins
WWF SMACKDOWN 8.11.2001

Have you heard? On Monday, it's a Special WWF Edition of "The Weakest Link!" Check your local listings and be SHOCKED to learn the show is STILL on NBC!
WWF SmackDown! 8.11.2001

Austin, watching a monitor, reacts to this - HOLY CRAP SOMEBODY WATCHES THIS SHOW
WWF SmackDown! 8.11.2001

Heyman has designs on putting Mike Tenay in Ross' chair after the Alliance wins - well WHY NOT.
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

Angle backs up into Kane...makes a GREAT face - then turns around to take his right, right, right, into the ropes, big boot, if Kane drops the leg I'm gonna shoot somebody...
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

TOMMY DREAMER is in - clothesline for him. Chokeslam! Thanks for coming out tonight, Tommy!
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: T & T (with RAW is brought to you by Xbox, Starburst, and truth) v. HARDY BOYZ (with Cheata) - the flame guy misses T's cue, and for a moment I thought Clarence Mason was back to try to exercise the Harlem Heat copyright, but no luck.
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

Jeff gives Lita a hug - and Matt...gets jealous. I guess. There isn't a lot of acting talent here, folks.
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

The NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS are in the front row! Heyman asks if Ross used to announce for them - oh...that was in the *N*FL.
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

Booker T can't stop looking at Rob van Dam - maybe he's in love!
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: AWESOME UNDERTAKER WHO IS AWESOME (on his Beautiful Titan Bike, with RAW Credits & Transmitido en espanol SAP - AND Xbox presents Survivor Series in six days!) v. POINTS TO SELF (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) - Wow, no matter WHO wins, you have something to bitch about!
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

COMMISSIONER McFOLEY is out - strange, since Halloween has come and gone and I don't think he's got another book to plug just yet...
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

Bradshaw looks unhappy that he didn't get to perform his fallaway slam.
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

Ross has the LINE OF THE YEAR with "He has the look on his face, does Regal, that he - he smelled your...your torso." Heyman: "He WHA? What are you - who writes your material?" Ross: "Nobody." Me: "DUH."
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

Geez, these guys should just kiss already.
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

They dance about a bit. Man, I'm BEGGING him to plant one on him right now.
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

"We've been this close for five minutes, and the Rock can honestly say for some particular reason, your breath smells like...strudel!" See he DOES want him.
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

Hand on shoulder - he's GONNA KISS HIM!
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

Rock makes the "people who like Bette Midler...are a little comme ci, comme ca" hand motion.
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

It took me over half an hour to do that last segment. I think you should know that I expect all of you to put me on your Christmas list STAT. PO Box 64405 Sunnyvale, CA 94088-4405
WWF RAW 12.11.2001

I saw my first Kings game as TBS showed the Raptors/Kings game - and as much as I used to be annoyed by John Thompson, Kevin Harlan has taken the crown away with his UNBELIEVABLE hardon for Vince Carter. "OHHHH MY WHAT AN INCREEEEDIBLE PLAAAAAAY BY MY BOYFRIEND VIIIIINCE CARRRRRTER!" Kevin - DUDE, the Raptors are still DOWN BY TWELVE POINTS despite that semi-incredible individual effort - now how 'bout sperading some love Sacto's way?
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

POINTS TO SELF v. KANE in a nontitle match - I'm gonna go out on a limb and say van Dam pins him. Call me crazy, I know. To his credit, van Dam DOES cower away from the corner flames - as if he'd NEVER seen that before!
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

Commentators shill "Iron Chef USA: Showdown in Las Vegas" - I feel less alive now
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

From RAW, Kurt Angle drops the US title thanks to some SINISTER PYRO
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

This just in: the winners of the undisputed titles will keep their jobs no matter what happens in the Winner Take All - that could be interesting, but probably won't.
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

Jakks Pacific RealSounds Arena ad - wow, get me an Earl Hebner figure! Woot!
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

MOMENTS AGO! Well, at least THIS time the replay actually shows a bit of the MATCH! But not much
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

WELL IT'S THE BIG DDP v. DR. TEETH - that's Big Show coming out to Page's music, wearing one of Kanyon's old wigs and a POSITIVELY PAGE plus size jacket - and some fake choppers. "It's me - it's me - it's DDP." Cole does a big fake laugh in case you weren't sure if this was funny or not.
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

Well sure enough, invoking the spirit of the XFL will *always* bring out BILLIONAIRE VINCE - Heyman falls to his knees and salaams away. NOW will it get good?
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

I gotta tellya, I was kinda hoping that "shoot" meant "acknowledges that Shane and Stephanie don't really own WCW and ECW" but I guess that's what hearing about it ahead of time'll getcha. It doesn't take much to excite some people, I suppose. Me, I would have been happier with another Steve Blackman/Crash hardcore match. That MAY be why I'm sitting behind a computer writing ABOUT it.
WWF SMACKDOWN 15.11.2001

Courtesy: Weakest Link Productions, Inc. and BBC - here's the entire hour distilled down to just over two minutes - I like to save the Triple H jokes for more desperate recappers
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

Hey, I'm as surprised as YOU are that Torrie seemed to catch that subtlety!
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

Off the ropes, legdrop - 1, 2, no! Man I thought that move ALWAYS worked.
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

Torrie ducks the clothesline and hits the Crappiest Handspring Elbow in the World.
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

Regal grabs her hair...talks some trash...double underhook into a HOLY CRAP Torrie almost lost her head until remembering to tuck for the powerbomb.
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

Sadly, we get no more long, loving looks at Ivory's cleavage in this segment.
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

You know, it just isn't a WWF special video look if it doesn't have that succession of five or ten clips of people making an "ahhhhh" face in a row.
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

Credits are up and it's a good sign if we've made it this far without anybody saying "Montreal" - we'll see ya at the pay-per-view!
WWF SmackDown! 15.11.2001

TONIGHT: You get NOTHING! Not even an INKLING of what's to come! However, if you didn't buy the pay-per-view, here's a look at the two locker rooms reacting to the finish. What *I* want to know is how Big Show got that choice seat in the front row when he STARTED in this match - also how rude can he be to block the view for all the people behind him? ("Hey! Down in front! AWW C'MON")
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

THIS WEEK'S TNG CAPSULE REVIEW: I could make the obvious joke about "The Outrageous Okona" and the fact that somebody thought it would be clever casting to use Joe Piscopo as the Funniest Comic In The Known Universe but that's not MY WAY, PEOPLE - *instead* I'll remark on Teri Hatcher as the transporter chief of the week. I mean, I don't even trust her with the RADIO SHACK CRAP she tries to convince Howie Long (and us) she not only knows how to use, but uses regularly...so you can understand why I'm not exactly buying that she has the wherewithall to run a FREAKIN' TRANSPORTER. At this point, I have to stop and remind everyone that Teri Hatcher was born in my current hometown of Sunnyvale, California...which has no bearing on anything, but trivial knowledge makes the nation dumber, so I do what I can. Oh yeah, the episode SUCKED.
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

Lita goes for an arm wringer but unfortunately Stratus has decided to fall to the canvas, almost wrenching Lita's arm out of its socket in the process - quite possibly the ugliest spot of 2001

on WWF television.
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

LINDA McMAHON is doing a meet and greet inside. 'cause if there's one thing CEOs do great, it's chat in the corporate-themed restaurant with dining customers!
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

Hey, did you see the "Scott Keith Rules" sign? See, I KNOW Scott - and I think I can definitively say that he DOESN'T rule! No, REALLY! Ask around.
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

Vince is talking to ME on his cel phone - see, I was confused about this Kiss My Ass Club thing, so I called him up in the middle of the show and asked him to explain it to me. (I mean, didn't you WONDER who was on the other end?)
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

Angle helps him up - right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed (aw, he was doing so WELL, too),
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

What, are all the Alliance guys just following them around from arena to arena in a MYSTERY MACHINE solving crimes or something?
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

Vince drops trou - that's it, I'm outta here.
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

Lawler's voice reaches an octave that'd make a dog say "Damn, I can't hear him anymore."
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

Balm applied, Regal makes a look like he's - he's been smelling...your torso.
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight) v. KANE - and to think, this feud started all over a spilled cup of coffee! What? No? Oh.
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

Somehow, referee "Blind" Teddy Long ends up admiring a butterfly alighting on a faraway tree branch, allowing Jericho's trick knee the chance to act up with impunity.
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the recapper's very best friend is the Special Video Look. FUHFUHWID
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

It's Edge - I had just called him up on his cel phone and now I'm getting the blowoff! "I'll call you back." YOU STINKIN' LIAR YOU *NEVER* CALL BACK
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

The remainder of this match takes place in a thick, peasoup fog of Tazz' pyro. I'm making the foghorn bellow here and it's very entertaining.
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

Some music we haven't heard in almost eight months - on a different show - is playing. You may know it's called "Also Sprach Zarathustra" - you may not - but you *definitely* know it as the music of THE MAN.
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

But, damn, his suit looks more expensive than Vince's at least - just as it should be.
WWF RAW 19.11.2001

One W, four O's, one bang spells Woooo!
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

TONIGHT: Gravy Bowl Invitational - oh boy - Stacy vs. Trish - not using last names implies objectification
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

But first....THE MAN makes a solo ascent into Kitchen Stadium
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

Look! They're STILL throwing crap into the gravy bowl! Jerry Lawler says "breast. Yoohoo!"
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

Aw, isn't that sweet? Undertaker is JEALOUS that KURT is Vince's bitch instead of HIM! "C'mon, Vince, don't you wanna fuck ME in the ass any more? Remember how GOOD it used to be for us?" and Vince is all "It's not you, baby, it's ME. Now go turn a trick for us, baby, give us a little SPENDIN' KASH MONEY"
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

Wow, I think they succeeded in making BOTH men look bad. Bra-VO.
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

A creme pie is added to the gravy bowl. THAT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

KISS ASSMAN makes his way down to the ring. Crowd helpfully chants "Kiss my ass."
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

Play Regal's MIDI file!
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

Quick camera cuts are unable to mask THE WORST CATAPULT EVER.
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

AHHHHHHH OHHHHHH NOOOOOOO MY KID BROTHER SEES ME SMOKING WEED NOOOOOOOOOOO OHHHHHHHHH IF ONLY I COULD TURN BACK TIIIIIIIIIIIME AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH That ad - I tell ya.
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

Jeff EMOTES and throws down his ice pack! He just wants a young boy, DAMMIT!
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

Meanwhile, a smirking Chris Jericho exits from behind the door with the MR. McMAHON placard on it. OH NO HE PISSED IN HIS TEA SOMEBODY GET TO VINCE AND TELL HIM!!!!!!! Amazingly, three seconds pass before a commentator uses the word "ego" in connection with Jericho
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

Did you know one of the continents on the IC title is *Antarctica*? I mean, has ANYBODY EVER wrestled THERE?!? I guess if you're gonna put all seven continents on there...well, wait, that's like the entire world, right? Makes the title seem...oh wait, they're starting.
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

You can call him a no-good, cheatin' egomaniac, but don't forget to add that he's a WINNER!
WWF SmackDown! 22.11.2001

TONIGHT: Oh no, it ain't over yet, not by a long shot. Trish and Stacy tussle tonight in a BRAWN PANTIES match! Oh, and the Rock takes on Kurt Angle & Chris Jericho in a handicap match but it won't have any bras or panties in it. All this, plus JR says "Oklahoma" FOUR HUNDRED TIMES over the course of just over two hours! Back in fourteen!
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

Vince raises Angle's arm - ewww, pit stains!
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

Rob van Dam limbers up - pshaw, I've seen Steve Blackman do that a MILLION times.
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

OH NO VAN DAM PISSED HIS PANTS AGAIN
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

Fivestar frog splash on the chair - and D-Von sells it OLD SCHOOL STYLE twitchy witchy - 1, 2, 3. (3:19)
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

Regal says he needs to go to the loo - the WC - Test and Bubba Ray are confused, but Christian speaks fluent European and relates that he needs to take a bathroom trip.
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

Here's the slow pan upwards on Stacy. MICHAEL KING COLE manages to keep his eyes upward asking why she thinks she can win tonight in a bra and panties match given that she sucked on SmackDown! "Michael, when I'm in my bra and panties, I always come out on top." I don't even know what that MEANS!
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

That be a nothin' segment yo
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

I don't write up bra & panties matches BECAUSE I'M SO BUSY BEATING OFF TO THEM. Seriously, the highlight of the match is me laughing at referee "Blind" Jack Doan starting a three count, forgetting the stips of this match.
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

Trish loses her top. Stacy loses HER top. Crowd hoots and hollers. Lawler says "giblets."
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

In a way, it's cool to have Lord of the Rings goblets, because commemorative glasses from Burger King seems like such a 70s style promotion - and, hell, Lord of the Rings seems so 70s as well so it works perfectly!
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

THE ROCK (with RAW credits, Transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV, CC and LIVE! boxes) hits the ring and poses at at least two of the four corners. I HOPE HE SINGS!!!!
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

"It seems like everybody is hyped up here in Oklahoma City!" [Yeah, but there's a guy in Sunnyvale who's REALLY REALLY BORED]
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

The Y2J countdown interrupts at this point - this seems familiar... hey look, it's EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO I SAID EGO DO YOU HEAR ME EGO EGO EGO EGO GOD DAMMIT YOU WILL ASSOCIATE THIS MAN WITH THE WORD EGO IF IT KILLS ME EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION: KING EDGE v. TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST - Champion enters first because he has Rob Zombie music, I guess.
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

Hey! I just saw Booker T! He told me I was watching the NEW TNN! (Also it said "RAW is WAR" - oops)
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

Ross: "Rock DESPERATELY needs to make the tag!" What, it hasn't even been three minutes!
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

I ask you: who - WHO decided that the solution to the sagging ratings was "wow, Vince McMahon needs to bare his ass on WWF TV. That - THAT WILL FIX EEEEEEEVERYTHING!"
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

Austin removes his belt and starts whipping Vince's bare ass. I didn't need to see this.
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

Ross laughs loud and long to let you know how hilarious it is. In fact, this is start to look like REALLY BAD ACTING by Ross.
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

BONG Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' AWESOME UNDERTAKER WHO IS AWESOME is out to save the day...or, hell, turn.
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

Well I'd say this is just about what NO ONE wanted to see...but, gosh, I'd just *hate* to be proven wrong later. Let me just say that all you Undertaker Hatas are getting just what you deserve. You're gonna miss how awesome he USED to be.
WWF RAW 26.11.2001

Hey, there's no stage tonight - isn't that the international sign of "somebody drives something to the ring later in the show?"
WWF SmackDown! 29.11.2001

Lita pays Jeff Hardy a visit. She's busy doing that "I'm a woman so I WORRY" thing.
WWF SmackDown! 29.11.2001

The usual suspects break it up - HOLY CRAP Charles Robinson in a WWF referee's shirt - BUT BUT HE WAS FIRED BUT I guess it'd be too much to ask somebody to...oh oh, here's that word....WRITE a storyline explaining how these fired WCW officials have suddenly gotten jobs with the WWF.......I mean, crap. HEY GUYS! OTHER wrestling companies used to treat their viewers like STUPID IDIOTS, and golly, I wonder - are THEY in business now? ARE THEY? HMMMMM Anyway, Angle promises Edge that there's more where that came from. Then he hits the punchline. "That's gonna leave a mark." Here, let me put this in big bold print for the people who might otherwise skim by it so you can see I think this is important: THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK WHO WRITE THIS CRAP ARE SO BUSY LOOKING FOR THE FUNNY FUNNY THAT THEY ARE LEAVING GAPING PLOT HOLES FOR ME TO BITCH ABOUT AND THIS IS WHY I AM STARTING TO THINK THEY ARE LIKE SUCKING (Hey, and I know a lot of you are like "only NOW you're STARTING?" but respect our differences, winky.)
WWF SmackDown! 29.11.2001

Q: Why does Stacy come out with Bubba Ray but not with D-Von? A: RACISM
WWF SmackDown! 29.11.2001

Got van Dam - whoa - LAST RIDE ONTO THE TRASHCAN. van Dam is dead. Hey, you know what? I bet Undertaker could cover him right now and van Dam would STILL kick out after 2.
WWF SmackDown! 29.11.2001

How can you tell Undertaker's back to the dark side? He doesn't use his headlight.
WWF SmackDown! 29.11.2001

Replay confirms it - brass knux are an old school CLASSIC and I'm surprised it took somebody this long to think of including it in an angle - oh wait, I know why - there ARE no brass knuckles in soap operas!
WWF SmackDown! 29.11.2001

But before Jackie comes out, "No Chance in Hell" plays and THE ASS walks out. Lawler wonders if he's here to induct her into the VMKMAC - maybe we'll get lucky and he'll just make her bark like a dog instead.
WWF SmackDown! 29.11.2001

Vince sneaks in a gulp - he CAN'T RESIST
WWF SmackDown! 29.11.2001

Wow, seeing Charles Robinson out there in a WWF zebra shirt with NO EXPLANATION WHATSOVER just makes me furious. In fact, I'm not gonna recap this match - you and I both know what's gonna happen anyway.
WWF SmackDown! 29.11.2001

1, 2, Taker PULLS HIM UP!! Damn, he's found a way to become even more awesome! I HEART UNDERTAKER!
WWF SmackDown! 29.11.2001

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO rips up a sign on his way to the ring - THANK GOD! HEEL JERICHO IS BACK!
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

If you've missed it, Jericho's got a red weave in his ponytail now which can only mean one thing: ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

"Because *I* AM LARGER THAN LIFE!" Even bigger than Shawn "the Star" Stasiak? WOW!
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

Is Jericho wearing glitter? Hey, glitter ALSO equals heel!
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

Ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA fears Kane...but hides behind referee "Blind" Brian Webber - for some reason, I can't see him providing much protection in a pinch.
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

Continuity! Kane doesn't have Show come out with him because HE'S RETARDED.
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

Bubba with a death suplex - now going up - DON'T DO IT THE SENTON NEVER WORKS BUBBA - of course, he misses. Man, this guy needs somebody to TELL him this.
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

Super Smash Brothers Melee ad - if you watched Excess, you saw Edge and Chavo film this commercial! Also, you have no life!
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

YAAAAAAAAAAAALBERT (with Scotty 2 Hotty - and his music) v. THE NARCISSIteST - Scotty joins the commentators and calls Test "horseface" - which reminds me that Test *was* spending a lot of time admiring himself in the mirror not too long ago, and that I forgot to debut this nickname sooner.
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

Scotty sits in the chair and affects his "Super Crazy" demeanor - "what? III didn't do NOTHIN'. I'm a GOOD boy!"
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

HE KISSED HER ON THE MOUTH! MY GOD IN HEAVEN, HE'S A MARRIED MAN!
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

Rock lets her go - then turns to the camera and rasises his eyebrow. See he KNOWS you're watching! He just wants you to know what a MACK he is!
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

Trish Stratus is WALKING! She encounters Steve Lombardi and Crash (who says "You know, I've been meaning to tell ya - good luck against Jackie this Sunday!" - wow, Crash, thanks for showing up tonight)
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

Matt requested this match, thinking if they can't defeat the WWF's largest team, maybe they'd have better luck with the smallest one. What, Funaki and Crash weren't available? Yeah, I guess Crash was too busy wishing people luck in their upcoming PPV women's title defenses. Oh well, let's go.
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

"You're always pushing me - one way OR THE OTHER!" Oh man, he learned that line from Steve Blackman!
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

Austin goes through a six pack....but his (old) music is interrupted by doin's on the EntertainmentTron - it's Booker T hotwiring his Smokin' Skull truck! "Yeah, just like ridin' a bike! It's on, baby!" T peels out and drives off - Austin walks after him (why? He ain't gonna CATCH UP TO A TRUCK) Wait a minute.....so the BROTHA .... JACKS UP TRUCKS? I think I'm offended!
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

THE ROCK comes out - he's probably tired (and a little bit jealous) of the crowd using AUSTIN's catchphase in HIS segment.
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

"Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa, but before you come up here and kiss it, the Rock just wants to make one point very clear, you see, it's not just ANY ass...this is the People's Ass!" I think Billy Gunn is crying backstage.
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

Christian with the perpendicular backbreaker - 1, 2, JUST SAY NO TO "YOU ARE THERE" SHOTS OF THE VAN DAM CROTCH.
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

Referee "Blind" Teddy Long says "one minute" so I have a feeling Christian'll kick out - 1, 2, yeah. How 'bout that.
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

Ooh, don't make him point to his patch!
WWF RAW 3.12.2001

What do you MEAN, you're urinating nitrogen today? U P N - Thursday!
WWF SmackDown! 6.12.2001

LAST MONDAY: Go read the RAW report - and imagine what it's like if they mute out every utterance of the word "ass" - that's your set of clips
WWF SmackDown! 6.12.2001

Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda actually does a big frisk job to make sure Regal has no knux on him - holy crap, somebody's FINALLY thinking out there!
WWF SmackDown! 6.12.2001

Edgecution - 1, 2, 3! BOTH MEN WERE LEGAL OWWWWWW HAVE MERCY CHIODA FOR REF OF THE YEAR (3:38)
WWF SmackDown! 6.12.2001

Man, you sure can tell when it's a TV-PG show, can't you? "Keister!" "Buttocks!" "Rear end!" "BUTT!" AND...how come TNN can air the "fuck" but has to pixellate out the boobies?
WWF SMACKDOWN 6.12.2001

Angle lets loose with the hysterics..."That's a good one, Mr. McMahon! You're funny!" ...commentators will be quick to tell us Angle's kissin' butt. Tell us ABOUT A HUNDRED TIMES.
WWF SMACKDOWN 6.12.2001

THEN TEST WOTSITOLLA BOOTS HEBNER!!! Yeah! Now THAT is how a man with IMMUNITY acts!
WWF SmackDown! 6.12.2001

THE BUTT (I can't POSSIBLY say "ass" - it's still the first hour, after all...even if Rock doesn't know it - and even if I've already dropped the f-bomb twice in this paragraph, hmmmmm) makes his entrance at this point.
WWF SmackDown! 6.12.2001

Good job by the people normally leaving those plot holes open, that. (So why damn them with faint praise?) Oh...well, sorry again, then.
WWF SmackDown! 6.12.2001

Some oddly familiar music hits...it's the return of RIKASHMONEY! Hey, the Rock's finally paying him back for running down Austin for him!
WWF SmackDown! 6.12.2001

MOMENTS AGO! Rikishi backed it up - give it two angles, but make 'em both WIDE
WWF SmackDown! 6.12.2001

Cole runs down how this match came about, saying in essence that the vignette they'd taped either (a) sucked or (b) had to be cut to fit in the asskissin' segment. Jackie took exception to Crash wishing Trish luck back on Monday, and Crash said something about it only being a girl's match, and said she was acting all gay about it, and then he probably said something unkind about black chicks, and then.....no, no, he probably didn't do any of that.
WWF SMACKDOWN 6.12.2001

Don't worry, fans - right after we left for the ad break, I think Faarooq probably must have said "Damn."
WWF SmackDown! 6.12.2001

Sadly, Bradshaw did not perform a fallaway slam in this match.
WWF SmackDown! 6.12.2001

If Sharmell keeps her brow furrowed like that, she's gonna get crow's feet!!!
WWF SmackDown! 6.12.2001

JERICHO TAPS!! (8:01) Post-match, Angle hits the ring and throws a tantrum about his partner tapping out - he picks up Jericho - OLYMPIC SLAM ON JERICHO!!! Angle leaves the ring. THEN, and I couldn't believe it myself, Tim White gives Jericho a BIG SPLASH! And THEN a hot dog vendor hops the barricade and gives Jericho a MOONSAULT! And THEN Yokozuna comes back from the dead and gives Jericho a BANZAI DROP! And finally, Vampiro - yes, even Vampiro comes out...and spikes Jericho with the NAIL IN THE COFFIN. Man, when *Vampiro* makes you his bitch....and that's the end of THAT chapter! But let's look back in the ring...
WWF SmackDown! 6.12.2001

Can I just say something here? After the 9.8.99 RAW, there was a percentage of us - something like a HUNDRED percent - that were ready to see Chris Jericho with the WWF Championship on, say, 10.8.99...so you'll have to forgive me if I don't jump on board that "worst outcome possible" bandwagon and actually manage to root for Jericho for 2.3 years after the rest of the world apparently gave up on him. I mean, GEEZ - this is EXACTLY what we wanted! JERICHO! HEEL! CHAMPION! YOU! SHUT UP!
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

The crowd boos through the countdown, boos at the pyro, boos at the mere SIGHT of Jericho, boos during his concerted walk down the aisle, boos when he poses on the apron before entering the ring...man, I don't know about you, but I smell MONEY!
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Spike with a pescado - ohhh THERE'S NO FAIR CATCH IN THE XFL but Taker has him - and that's Dudley's spine meeting the ringpost.
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Whoa, Ross called it the Tree of Woe! Is Kevin Sullivan on his way? Is his father whispering in Taker's ear? (Probably not.)
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Oh no! Kane is so distraught over not winning the tag team titles that he's back on the Beefaroni!
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

"Mr. McMahon is a man of CLASS - he does not deserve THIS - to have his face nearly engulfed, nearly swallowed by this stench-filled ANUS" [he's been on Delphi?]
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Referee "Blind" Brian Webber starts a count - is it just me or is Angle not coming back? WOW! (COR 2:01) That's some good heelin' there.
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Rikishi - Rikishi has a hat! RIKISHI IS DANCING WITH HIS HAT ON! OH MAN
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Rikishi clothesline - Angle flumps - Rikishi backs it up - Lawler makes fart noises. AND HIS HAT STAYS ON!!
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Man, this segment ruled it for about eleven different reasons.
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

This just in: it was recently discovered that papers authored by Dr. L. L. Zamenhof very late in his life, long thought lost, recently had surfaced - and in one, there was an explanation that yes, there indeed WAS a single Esperanto word invented to describe the "absence of any semblance of life" - and that word...I don't have to tell you....turns out to be "GUNDAM"
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

WWF Shop Zone Dot Com ad - no Steve Blackman merchandise available.
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

I dunno, if *I* were D-Von, I'd have said "the hell you talking about? ME take care of the Rock and YOU take care of Trish? FUK DAT!"
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Regal finds a pair of brass knuckles under the timekeeper's table (man, those things are EVERYWHERE) and puts 'em on.
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Ross works in "malfunction at the junction" but doesn't say "Ed Whalen."
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

MATT HARDY v. CHEATA & JEFF HARDY in a "please get all your girly squealing out of the way" handicap match -
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Meanwhile, Lita is attempting to emote in the corner.
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Why are the commentators talking about Matt dumping her on national television as if they're aware there are cameras back there?
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Man, I'm *cornfused* - why are they playing JEFF'S music when MATT won?
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

So long, Lance. Back to the Internet commentary circuit with you! (2:37)
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Hilarity fails to ensue.
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

"WWF Desire" spotlights Triple H, set to "Beautiful Day" by U2. This segment is a recapper's DREAM, 'cause all *I* have to type is a beautiful nine character word known in Esperanto as FUHFUHWID
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

Door open and Austin is.....incredibly stupid, because he turns back when Jericho flips him the double bird (Aha! So JERICHO is the one guy watching "Excess!" This is St. Valentine's Day Massacre all over again!)
WWF RAW 10.12.2001

After a thorough search of Regal by referee "Blind" Mike Chioda...Kurt Angle passes him the pair of brass knux. Man, heels can be so CRAFTY sometimes.
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

Raise the roof yo raise the roof yo got my wedgie goin'...but Regal makes the save.
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

Gundam - Level 0 - only make fun of it
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

One more thumbs up - through the ropes and away - Torrie makes her "I want to fuck him!" smile after him.
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

I hope Sonic is paying them good money for all these mentions.
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

Test makes Earl Hebner flinch - oh, look, Hebner's in another Test match. HMMM. Hebner responds by pointing to his WWF patch. STALEMATE...WELL PLAYED, HEBNER.
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

MOMENTS AGO! Look at all those Security personnel just standing by while Austin goes to work!
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

Wow, I'm just SAILING through this. Being lazy RULES!
WWF SMACKDOWN 13.12.2001

See, THIS match came about because.....somebody threw some darts?
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

Oops, Cole said "RAW is WAR." He's fired.
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

Vince's cel rings - oh man this must be one of those MAGIC phones because now we can hear Booker T's voice on the other end!
WWF SMACKDOWN 13.12.2001

"I could have taken that sucka straight outta the game" - then he proceeds to tells Vince EXACTLY WHERE HE IS. Dummy....well, wait. Maybe he didn't know he was talking to the MAGIC phone and the entire world was listening?
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

"Vince, I think I just saw Austin's truck...I gotta go." Geez, couldn't Vince afford to send out Lance Wright in the ECW helicopter?
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

"Hugh Morris" says "Do I think there's something special about the holiday season? Yes! Because when else can you get the tooth fairy to put money underneath your pillow?" Then he looks CONFUSED...ha ha, he's a wacky one. (Also, he's unemployed - oops)
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

Whoa, it's MAGIC! We can hear the other end of the phone again! Wait, I GOT IT - Vince must have a microphone planted in his SKULL and THAT'S how we can hear the phone when HE'S talking but we COULDN'T hear it when *Flair* was on the phone. Wow, I sure am glad I figured this out!
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

What's up with that BOD ad? It's totally for gay guys, right? ...right? (Maybe the gay guys can help me out again - do I still have gay readers?)
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

Austin puts the 12 pack in Booker's lap (he's still in the cart) and rolls him on - now we're in Aisle 5. I wonder how many aisles this store has. Booker is crying like a BITCH.
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

Man, the tea is RIGHT THERE but Austin passes up THAT joke.
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

MR. JERICHO and AWESOMETAKER (on his Beautiful Bourget Python Bike - with Final Fantasy X presents Royal Rumble!) v. ROB VAN DAM and THE ROCK - Wow, how prestigious is it to be Undisputed champion when you still have to enter first out of these four?
WWF SMACKDOWN 13.12.2001

Taker can't believe van Dam just pinned the Undisputed champ...I'm not sure WHY. I mean, which of these four guys would YOU think does the job? Maybe he can't believe Rock didn't get the pin. Well anyway, Jericho has another trickle of blood, Taker is busy making Tackleberry faces, Rock and van Dam have arms raised on the ramp, credits are up and I'm done halfassing it for today. BYE!
WWF SmackDown! 13.12.2001

"So's your mother!" Man, Taker's a SUPREME entertainer.
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

Taker glares at ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA - "what're YOU lookin' at?" Taker'll talk to ANYBODY out there.
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

Six flavours of AWESOME.
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

During the Break, Matt Hardy was on his cel phone trying to get an update on the condition of Lita...oh, and Jeff too...then packing up and leaving (presumably, he'll be RUNNING to Louisiana)
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

Oh, I'm not typing audience "What?"s anymore - you can probably figure out where they go yourself.
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

T hit his rental and took off...leaving Austin to climb in HIS truck and follow. Damn, T should have slashed a tire or something.
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

JESUS CHRIST BOOKER DON'T TELL THE WORLD WHERE YOU ARE AGAIN YOU IDIOT
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

Exactly what I expected...I'm starting to think my expectations are too low these days.
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

Christian taps for good measure - well PRAISE THE LORD Tazz got his head back. Play his music!
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

If I make one more Gundam joke, Santa is getting me one for Christmas...so I'll stop. Until Christmas, at least.
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

Bingo - hahahahaha - this makes me think of ECW - well, it doesn't actually but I think you're EXPECTING me to say that, and sometimes I like to meet your expectations, so...
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

("Hey, did you see Booker flip an "N" when the number called was a "B?") Oh, and YOU call ME 'geek.'
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

Man, you ever watch an ad for the first time and IMMEDIATELY know you're NEVER gonna watch the show it's advertising? HelLO, Conspiracy Zone with Kevin Nealon." Now, if they'd have called it "The Mullet Zone..."
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

Rolled back in as referee "Blind" Tim White counts "5," making him the SLOWEST COUNTING REF ON EARTH.
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

Rock looks to let up - "no problem" - and offers the Hand of Friendship. The only two people on this planet buying THAT are Jim Ross...and Lance Storm.
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

"You want the videotape?" "Yes, my child. Just send the tape...and you will be safe." "Okay...everything's going to be all right after that?" "Everything will be fine." "Okay." Geez, won't she notice the address is in Houston?
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

MR. JERICHO makes his way to the ring - I guess he's tired of all these shenanigans not involving him and needs to get back on the radar.
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

This is more exciting than it sounds...but not much.
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

Lawler asks what experience Flair has as the head of a wrestling organisation...I guess he didn't know Flair was CEO of WCW or somethin'.
WWF RAW 17.12.2001

Here come THE ROCK to say a few words and/or show off his BIG, BIG belt buckle.
WWF SmackDown! 20.12.2001

"Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Nawlins!" Where's Lash LeRoux when you need him?
WWF SmackDown! 20.12.2001

[I hate it when they talk about local stuff I have to look up in order to spell - that's TWICE this week]
WWF SmackDown! 20.12.2001

Take a look at the exterior of the Arena! It's...an arena!
WWF SmackDown! 20.12.2001

If you don't believe Undertaker's a heel, perhaps this Special Video Look will help you out
WWF SmackDown! 20.12.2001

Yikes, what a NOTHING segment. I mean, even more than normal!
WWF SmackDown! 20.12.2001

Hardy clutches his larynx as Taker reclaims his title belt. Replay is good 'n' graphic - from two angles. If they can't get him booed NOW, they might as well give up. (Hell, I like him either way, but that's just me.)
WWF SmackDown! 20.12.2001

Backstage, Hardy is about to be loaded into the ambulance...but not before getting a visitor. "Hey, boy! On this trip to the hospital you're getting ready to make, I want you to ask yourself one question......was the (beep) really worth it?" OHHHHHHHHHHHH SNAP I wonder what Sara thinks of this (no, I don't) off goes the ambulance...
WWF SmackDown! 20.12.2001

Q: Why is Flair laughing at a TV that isn't even on? A: Senile
WWF SmackDown! 20.12.2001

UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: MR. JERICHO (with EARLIER TONIGHT!) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - Champ enters first because Flair is SCREWING WITH HIM - Jericho, with no time to prepare, still wears his funny pants out to the ring. WILL BIG SHOW FINALLY REGAIN HIS RIGHTFUL PLACE AS THE STANDARDBEARER AND FLAGSHIP OF THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION? (Probably not, no.) Hey, remember when Giant was protecting Jericho as part of an NWO joke? Me either.
WWF SMACKDOWN 20.12.2001

ARE YOU SHITTING ME IT'S THE BIG BOSS MAN and HE's got a chair in hand - WHACK!
WWF SmackDown! 20.12.2001

TONIGHT: God help us all, it's Torrie Wilson vs. Stacy Keibler in an "Egg Nog Match"
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Unfortunately, Angle is NOT wearing his traditional Santa hat.
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

I note that Billy Gunn has ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST in watching her shake it.
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Trish Stratus is nicely oiled up for our benefit.
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Flair fails to recognise Torrie as his son's woman, telling Tajiri he may have the greatest helper of them all.
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Palumbo and Gunn exchange gifts - each man has gotten the other a headband with the other's name on it. OH I GET IT THEY'RE GAAAAAAAY NOW.
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Time now for my own Christmas present to myself - I'm not recapping this match.
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Merry Christmas, you get to listen to "I Got It All" TWICE!
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

I'll type the list, you say "What?" at every comma:
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

UP NEXT: It'll be TIME TO MASTURBATE
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Line I don't normally use in match recaps: "Golly, I sure want to be Chad Patton right now."
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Oh, and I should make a "catfight/egg nog" joke. (Note to self: come back later and make "catfight/egg nog" joke)
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Geez, every time a woman undoes her garments, we take her out of the shot! Bah!
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley is here. "Let me talk to you a little bit later about this. You'll be fine." HOLY COW SHE'S AS BIG AS A HORSE
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

It has been MONTHS since Maven won the Tough Enough Championship - he STILL doesn't have any GEAR? Come ON.
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

You know what, Boss Man looks pretty good. I'm probably the only guy that likes HIM, too.
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Bubba up to the second rope - DON'T DO IT IT NEVER WORKS EVEN ON CHRISTMAS EVE - Bubba bows - senton - go figure - MISSES.
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Kane wastes another four cans of Beefaroni he could have put in the "Feed the Homeless this Christmas" bin - SHAME
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Everybody's left Vince's party as Mae Young has stripped down to her...unmentionables. Now I know why they call 'em that.
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Look, it's almost 2002 - is there ANY chance we'll see the "Y2J" moniker fall by the wayside ANY time soon?
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Rock pokes Hebner with his boot but he ain't comin' back to life.
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

Raw Zone credits, special holiday WWF logo, MERRY CHRISTMAS EASTER BUNNY! CLUCK CLUCK!
WWF RAW 24.12.2001

KMAX is giving away motocross tix to people who register for the contest during SmackDown! I'm not doubting the *existence* of a crossover audience between the WWF and the IFMA, but I'm definitely not a part of it.
WWF SmackDown! 27.12.2001

Mr. McMahon happens upon Chad Patton and Perry Saturn (who isn't bleaching his facial hair any more). McMahon sends Patton to tell Flair that he better find a way to make his monitor work, as he's about to go out and address the crowd. For Saturn....a handshake - hey, thanks for showing up tonight, Perry!
WWF SmackDown! 27.12.2001

Wow, you get the feeling that somebody on the writing staff "discovered" this great NEW ending called the countout and they liked it SO much that they started making sure they used it ONCE A SHOW-- well, perhaps I'm exaggerating. Still, you get the idear.
WWF SmackDown! 27.12.2001

And now Christian takes a stinkface for Canada.
WWF SmackDown! 27.12.2001

Angle busts a move - well, maybe a quarter of a move.
WWF SMACKDOWN 27.12.2001

Pot/Kettle/Black comment of the week from Cole: "They could be in Revenge of the Nerds, Part VIII!"
WWF SmackDown! 27.12.2001

Backstage, Trish Stratus stretches - she wants you to look down her shirt! Women's title on the line NEXT!
WWF SmackDown! 27.12.2001

Taker grabs a plastic garbage can and uses it (hey! There was TRASH in that!)
WWF SmackDown! 27.12.2001

Catch the WWF - LIVE! In a week, SmackDown! is live in Washington! Also, Moncton, Fredericton, St. John and MONCTON! MONCTON! I just like saying MONCTON! WE ROCK THE MONCTON COLISEUM!
WWF SmackDown! 27.12.2001

MOMENTS AGO! Taker choked out Tajiri....then ran away from Big Show. Also moments ago, I typed MONCTON! with great amusement
WWF SmackDown! 27.12.2001

Curiously, Stephanie is filmed from the waist up, with her left arm covering the area underneath her rack....hmmm, perhaps because SHE'S BIG AS A HORSE GUYS.
WWF SmackDown! 27.12.2001

UP NEXT: You know what? MONCTON!
WWF SmackDown! 27.12.2001

Yeah, it's nice that Boss Man's dropped some weight, but he should probably go back to the flak jacket since sweating right through a dress shirt looks a little....well, uncivilised.
WWF SMACKDOWN 27.12.2001

Christopher Robin Zimmerman
[slash] wrestling

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