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| Special Feature |
Year in Quotes |
MainBLAH |
I didn't compile this! vsp did! He sent it to me in the middle of February and I did NOTHING with it until April! I'm a BAD, BAD MAN! Thanks vsp!! Wanna do 2000 later? I promise it'll be up by 2004! ;-) - CRZ
WOW David McLane's voiceover promises another look at "one of the
greatest matches in the history women's wrestling" along with
never-before-seen footage! If you're cynical, you'll ask "what's up
with the rehashed content?" but fortunately for us, I'M not!
"Hey Poison! You tried to blind me with green venom - meet your
antidote!" And then she flexes her guns. I don't know...I think my
biceps are SLIGHTLY bigger. ("Yeah, your breasts are probably
bigger, too.") HEY! I think I'm offended! And furthermore, THAT'S
JUST NOT TRUE! ("Keep dreamin', fatty.") "Help me - help me - please, help me...help me to escape this
cheesy entrance video!" And there's another Rapidly Approaching the Best Dropkick in WOW
and Hyde goes to the outside. Mistakes made by the commentators in this match: McLane promotes
Nurse Mercy to "Doctor," while Marshall intimates Beckie is from "a
small town in Kansas." In case you're wondering, no, I *don't* have
anything better to do but nitpick. We pause to take a replay of Beckie's ride through the ropes -
apparently, there's a 2 count and a foot on the rope during this
replay, but why would we want to see that? Hyde picks her up - snapmares her over...put in position
for...hey, I didn't know Hyde had a top-rope splash, too - well, she
doesn't, because it missed. Why does Summer look like her four words took an hour to
memorize? Look, if you can't tell them apart, I'll help you this ONE time:
Summer is the one carrying the floaty with "Summer" on it. Into the ropes, simply AWFUL, awful dropkick (more like a knee -
and that's being charitable) - Mystery says "I ain't sellin'
anything else from this chick" and tags in Misery. What the heck? AARP? Is THIS the demographic for this show?
Mystery tags in - strange right - strange chop - strange punch -
"martial arts," I hear. Marshall goes into a brief lecture about how the drop toehold may
very well be Summer's signature move - ummm, she hasn't gotten a pin
off it, so maybe she should pick another maneuver? Hop up and down and do the "lookit my boobies" dance, Summer!
Hooray! Camel (toe) clutch is applied... Gold can't lose - THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Several angles of replays of the Perfect 10 - amazingly, the ring
does *not* fill with children. Day makes a "are we off yet?" face. Hey, Julie, given that Chris
Jericho unicorn horn you're wearing, you got no right to be dissin'
that girl no matter HOW blue and glittery her eye shadow
is. Log onto wowe.com NOW! Or later. They're pretty flexible about
that. Powers decides to shake her tail feathers in Delta's
direction...that *can't* be a good idea, even if I *do* appreciate
it. Tag to Loca, who has managed to whip around her pigtails about 37
times to this point. Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission
Corporation, Tootsie candies, and Invention Submission Corporation
(2) - I don't understand it - do pro wrestling watchers strike you
as being the type to regularly come up with brand new inventions?
She tries to shoot off the halon again, but it's dead. God bless
her for trying. She gives up and walks off. QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 15/16 (- 1/8) - they announced a new CEO,
but it wasn't Ric Flair or Linda McMahon, so who cares... It's Jungle Goldbrrrg! What's that? You say your weiner isn't working? This is the ad
for YOU, boyo! Caliente and Boom Boom are teaming because Caliente's FIRST
partner, Dynamite, apparently really pissed off somebody and never
made it to a broadcast. Caliente looks RIGHT AT ME as she makes her way ringside ("You
mean you *actually* looked in the direction of her EYES?") Hey,
leave me alone. She's STILL shimmying - I'm not sure that girl can
actually walk since she's STILL in a mambo, even in the
ring. Tag to Caliente - ummm, today, Caliente... ("Aren't you gonna say 'Terri Gold is WALKING!' or something?")
Well, that voiceover guy and this nagging cough are really taking me
off my game this week... that graphic, too! "Cold Gold Title Match?"
I mean...WHOA. Is your kid STUPID? This ad is for you! "Ice Cold, baby!" drops the elbow, bad touch press gets
2. Hey, who snuck the MULLET MANIA sign into the building? Wow, Riot and I have the same exact eye colour. As Patti cheers her on, Star goes for the white and blue locks.
Master of psychology McLane explains that this is the most
devastating thing one can do to a woman - well, I guess in the WOW
world. A brief graphic for the pay-per-view, and it's time for the Benny
Hill break - while that's happening, ponder this question: in this
matchup....who exactly is the FACE? Vroom vroom! I count three "vroom vrooms" before she leans back
on the top turnbuckle and asks me to take her. What does a woman do with a broadsword, anyway? ("Wouldn't YOU
like to know?") Geez, I didn't mean to feed you a straight
line. "Who is Miss Cleo?" Why, *she's* the woman I'm always fast
forwarding past! It's VIDEO PACKAGE time - featuring Creepy Voiceover
Guy! Dragging her to the corner, putting a foot on each rope and
covering. The referee, who has seen all of this, goes ahead and
counts anyway. No WONDER you don't have a name yet! Hey, wait - TV-14-DLV? Man, if I were thirteen and my parents
actually paid attention to ratings, I'd be PISSED. Marshall: "Who in the world is that?" McLane: "I think it's her
brother or her cousin..." and then he fails to add "maybe both" to
amuse me, so I'm forced to do it myself. This is why recapping can
be such hard work sometimes! While you ponder this, let's pause for a brief word
about....impotence Gold now wears a "10" on her chest - and if you think I'm gonna
make THAT joke before I get a chance to interview her, you're
nuts. Marshall wants to know if Danger's nuts - no, she *always* does
this, Lee - where ya been? Wait a minute...McLane reads WOW Magazine? Oh man, he's a
LOSER. Hmm, wait, I wonder if he ever visits WrestleLine, "the official
WOW Magazine online home." Har har har....anyway, here we go. Cue
the quick cuts and creepy closeups! Can you *hear* Summer twirling her hair? And into the ring where DAVID McLANE has magically
transported! Before she gets to cutting, ICE COLD is out - a TRENCHCOATTED
FIGURE hands her a big mirror, which she proceeds to break over
Star's head! Star goes down like a sack of bricks. Commentators seem
to think it's a fan - I guess they let fans through *all the time*
or something. Poison spews the venom to take *her* down. The hat and coat are
off - even the commentators know it's Poison now! Wedgie wedgie wedgie "Lotus and Jade are scrappers" is a kind way of saying "Lotus and
Jade will NEVER, EVER win." And now, a word from Benny Hill (who is still dead, as far as I
know) She's doing weird tongue stuff, she is. She's stealing the mic,
she is. We'll be generous and call it a Falcon Arrow. Elbowdrop to the....butt? Riot tosses Blond over the top rope, does a little dance, and
calls for the mic. "I just have ... a few things .... to say ... to
everybody here." Well, we'll have to hear her breathe another week
as WENDI WHEELS is out with a garbage can lid - WHACK! "Fans, Sunday - iNDEMAND - order this pay-per-view event - it's
gonna be hardcore - Riot against Wendi Wheels!" Hey, *I'd* like to
get hardcore with Wendi - I mean, that'll be an interesting match.
Ahem. Chyron says "If you leave WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU!" I don't
believe that. I'd like to SEE them come after me, come to think of
it. BRING IT ON! I DOUBLE DAREYA! If your child is stupid, let Alex Trebek sort 'em out It's strange to go from the Phonics Game to the hot sex phone
lines, isn't it? "Charlie, there's no roadkill at the beach!" "Well, we're gonna
turn them into ... crab... infested... corpses layin' dead in the
sand!" I sense that Rider is much better on the mic than
Davidson. Summer's breasts are truly frightening - as is her vapid face -
as is her unplacable accent and wooden delivery. She'll probably
kill me now. Another high ten and bump and they're *both* kinda creepin' me
out now. Funny to see the USA BLONDE hot sex line in the middle of the
Beach Patrol match, isn't it? I mean, what are the odds of...eh
whatever. This *must* be MY problem - I've never thought of exciting a
woman by giving her the idea she may lose her hair. I'm gonna work
on that - we'll see you NEXT week for HYPE CENTRAL!! Enough yuks - it's time for POSTERITY! Strangely enough, the ad right before the show starts says "Are
you ready for a Catfight?" Of course, it's not what you think - it's
for the San Jose Sabercats Arena League season, which is starting
pretty soon. Arena Football is kinda like the XFL, except it's
indoors and not cold at all. Poison's new entrance video is only hinted at, but the true whiff
of cheese we caught at the pay-per-view goes unseen. "Her opponent...the Spitfire...Jaaaaaaade!" Hey, she's a *firey*
spitfire, dammit! And really, is there any other kind? Although long-time viewers of WOW already know there's no way in
hell Jade can *possibly* pull out a victory, let's watch it together
and find out. Commentators fail to notice that Poison has a full head of hair -
McLane is content to talk about Jade's grandmother instead. And, hey, if those swimsuit pix aren't getting you humming, well,
here's a word from EnerX. "Yeah, stamina's probably a good way to
put it. Ha HA!" David McLane visits Jeannie Buss - and stealthily swaps his
bouquet for the nicer one at the receptionist's desk. He's so
sneaky! I leave it to you if this vignette was better this week WITH
sound - or better last week WITHOUT. LEE MARSHALL regresses to a childhood memory that doesn't leave
him in a happy place Let me get this out of the way - GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY THOSE NIPPLES
- whew, I feel refreshed. Disciplinarian's gotta give it up - and YES! She does! Big win
for the big headlights! Hyde has her unhappy face on this week, and carries a doll body
attached to Al Snow's Head. How'd those two cameras get into Jeannie Buss' office? Don't
ask. Swimsuit clips - again - McLane promises the race is closer than
"Bush vs. Gore!" Yeah, but the dead aren't voting in *this*
contest... Hmm, four 800 numbers in a row - tarot, sex, sex, lawyer - makes
sense to me Roxy Powers is *not* related to Jim Powers, by the way. McLane promises some "behind the scenes" swimsuit action - for
now, look at these swimsuit clips. Doesn't Ice Cold look SO SO happy
to be there? Doesn't Sandy look SO much better than the creepy
Summer? And how many times will they add swimsuit clips to this show
tonight? I guess I just can't figure out how the Phonics Game figures into
the demographics for this show?? Now, FRY'S I can understand - I
mean, there's probably a LOTTA geeks watching this show - that's the
*perfect* Fry's demographic for sure. Come to think of it, I haven't
been to Fry's in almost a week....hmmm... In conclusion, Scott would have *hated* this segment because
there was absolutely *no* wrestling in it. Also, I'm wondering if
Lana's swimsuit was edible for some reason. This is Women of Wrestling #20, airing the weekend of 17.2.1 (taped 20.1) and for the next six weeks or so you'll have to get
used to pre-PPV taped footage spliced together with post-PPV,
post-production magic - don't worry, I'll try to help along when
it's the most annoying. Benny Hill should SPIN IN HIS GRAVE for all I have to see his ads
- come to think of it, *that's* a video I'd probably BUY! "Llllllladies and gentlemen, introducing from the Amazon RAIN
forest, it's Jungle Grrrl!" She's wearing some baby's breath in her
hair - there's a lot of baby's breath growing out in the Amazon rain
forest, you know. It's the Queen of the Splash vs. the Queen of the missile drop,
says McLane. What's a missile drop, says CRZ. "Did Jungle Grrrl wanna become the Queen of England by defeating
Jane Blond? We'll find out!" McLane needs to either cut the dosage -
or increase it. "ROXY POWERS, just in a few short weeks, you've taken the nation
by storm, the fans are admiring your athletic ability!" I think he
means they're admiring her *headlights.* Dunk shoves him away (instant face turn!!), ducks a swing from
Powers - choke - ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM! And then she gives one to
Josh Milton (who sells it better - how sad). She removes Milton's belt and starts WHIPPIN' Powers - hmm, *I'm*
not into it, but I'll bet *some* people are really turned on right
now. SUPER wedgie just for fun...and here's that powerbomb. Hand
between the boobies - 1, 2, 3! (5:06) Wanna have some fun? Listen for an overdub on the next
intro. McLane says Caged Heat made it through "over sixteen teams" to
win the titles...McLane may think that twelve is IN FACT over
sixteen - who can say. In the Media Room, a funny story I forgot to tell you was one of
the three asked what time it was, and without missing a beat, the
other two quickly answered "Hard time!" even though she legitimately
wanted to know what time it was. Well, maybe you had to be
there...or maybe I had to tell the story closer to when it actually
happened. Poison sticks out her tongue - her way of saying "no, you shan't
see the rest of my entrance video tonight, and you won't until my
hair (blonde) matches the video (yellow). Scoop...and a slam. Wow, lookit her nipple! Poor, poor Heather and her super wet white tank top and her left
nipple...oops. A stretch Hummer pulls up backstage - OH MY GOD BISCHOFF AND
KIDMAN ARE DRIVING IT - Slam Dunk exits. Lotus into the ropes - wicked sidewalk slam gets 2. (LEE MARSHALL
tries to call a 3 even though it's only a minute in - well, it *is*
the Asian Invasion after all) "I am Slam Dunk!" Thanks for sharing! McLane talks about "Women of Wrestling" magazine - anybody seen
it, or is it a figment of McLane's low-budget imagination? Ahh, yes, I think it's in the old NWA rulebook that all matches
end with the face tapping turnbuckles right behind the
heel. So they put her in the van and drive her all the way from
Nevada....so she can stay in cuffs backstage holding the belts?
That's a s-t-r-e-t-c-h. McLane says Cali is a big favourite of his brother, John.
Marshall fails to ask him if he was the guy in the "Die Hard"
trilogy, but oh well. We are introduced to JEANNIE BUSS on third headset - she's a big
fan of the felons, you know. But they're not done - there's Hard Time for Boom Boom! (I
thought that was a driveby? Oh, who can remember.) Thug points to her tattoo again. You'd rather kiss a rattlesnake
than look at that tattoo... Gold actually breaks the count - man, who *wouldn't* want to win
by countout? Wheels with the standard "do me" pose on the top turnbuckle -
vroom vroom! Summer, recall, is the *creepy* half of the Beach Patrol, and the
one equipped with her own personal flotation device already
built-in. Beckie fosters a chant - by the way, you may not know this to
look at her, but Beckie will hug at the drop of a hat. Going for the Whatever We're Calling the Pedigree For Her but
Beckie upends her with a backdrop! Everybody's been talking about it - everybody's been wanting to
know - the winner of the Venus Swimwear competition
is........is...........is........ the Fabulous Lana Star! It was a
"last minute surge of votes" that put her over the top - make your
own "last minute surge" joke here if you're so inclined. Discussing men's sexual behaviour is always a sensitive
topic...except in this here ad for EnerX This match has NO business being on this show, but I guess we can
admire the Wedgie competition and make some more jokes about Jade
dishonouring her family once again when she eventually
loses. Thug with a short clothesline - Billie with a rapidly developing
wedgie. WCW It's a brand new year but the same ol' NITRO! Let Us Take You Back To An Errant Kabong. Play his music! And I think he just told him his mother sucks!
Just in case you start to cheer Shane as the face, they play
"Sing Along with 3 Count," just to tear your heart apart. Average White Band calling, they want you to Pick Up the Pieces -
1, 2, 3. That movie "Snatch" - it isn't what I *think* it's about, is it?
Awesome tosses Storm a chair (you knew Mike Awesome joined Team
Canada, right? I know, I'm depressed about it, too) Back in the ring, Storm tries to powerbomb Kidman (IS HE DAFT?)
In two weeks, Nitro will air on Tuesday! HEY! They FINALLY
learned how to tell us these things AHEAD OF TIME! Sid's wearing....jeans with kneepads and boots over them? Please
alert the fashion police! TERRY FUNK is out - he's actually using the hardcore championship
belt to hold up his pants! The following segment, paid for by Jimmy Hart, will continue to
be ignored until SOMEBODY comes to their senses and keeps it off the
air Page with a DDT counter out of...something. Oh, a hiptoss. Oy.
It doesn't HAVE to make sense because IT'S WCW! Two weeks from tonight, "The Pretender 2001" pre-empts Nitro.
Man, "CHiPs '99" NEVER got to pre-empt Nitro Lance Storm T-shirt.....eh, fuck it WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: WHITE THUNDER (with Midajah) v.
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET - Champ enters first
because....umm....so he could chat with us before the break. SID VISCOUS is out...ah hell. EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE post-PPV shows what you and I had to put
together on our own because they ran out of PPV time: Ric Flair
orchestrated everything behind the scenes. Fortunately, they did a
pretty good job of spelling it out with the story elements all night
- just too bad the *paying* customers didn't get a *payoff*. Because WCW is *nothing* without an inappropriate segue... The Wolfpack theme interrupts the soundtrack at this point and
KEVIN NASH is out. Why are the commentators so sure he's not WITH
them? Oh well. Crowbar is deep in thought, but we don't hear what he tells
Daffney since we'd rather look at clips. Surprisingly, we get a
better look at Crowbar's big balcony dive tonight for free than we
did during the time we *paid* to see it, but them's the WCW
production geniuses for ya. Missed the opening bell during the clips
(see what I mean?) Next week, Nitro moves to Tuesday night! PLEASE watch! PLEASE!
WCW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE: KRONI>| (with Sin clips) v. CHUCK
PALUMBO & SEAN O'HAIRE (with TV-14-DL ratings box and "Nitro
Tuesday" graphic) - in a shocking twist to keep you from watching
RAW, the challengers enter first! KRONIK JOBS! ALERT THE MEDIA! Amazingly, we get a replay which shows us the Seantonbomb -
heeeeey! Maybe I'm too hard on this crack production staff! ("Don't
make me say CLEAR again") Moments Ago, Konnan killed off a perfectly fine mullet Jeff Jarrett T-shirt shill probably shouldn't start with "Hey,
you can become a slapnut!" Leave it to Page to steal from Piper...and get it wrong. Play "Theme from Wolfpac" again! Wrestling action may be NEXT!
Because when you think "tax refund," you think "Rufus & Chaka
Khan" MICHAEL "MIKE" MODEST v. "THE FALLEN ANGEL" CHRISTOPHER DANIELS -
neither guy gets chyron, although I can hear the chyron sound
effects...the conspiracy theorist in me says it's another subtle way
of putting these guys down, while the realist in me says another
typical WCW production glitch. Now I feel as sorry for Sid Vicious as anybody (except maybe Arn
Anderson) but at least we can all take comfort that he won't be
around to screw up *this* match. Ahh SHIT it's WHITE THUNDER & MIDAJAH come out to play the
part of Sid Vicious, and all Silverman can do is call for the bell.
(No contest? Relaxed DQ? 6:56) Here's a Fuck You Forearm for
Daniels, Shit On the Fans Steinerline for Modest, Booking Bitch
Blockbuster Suplex for each man, and nothing EVER changes with this
company. Sure, they pay lip service to the cruiserweights and maybe
they almost convinced some of us to believe it...right until they go
ahead and *continue* to book them as inferiors with BULLSHIT like
this. Nothing EVER changes with this company. Guess what - SHIT like
THIS is what made everybody LEAVE in the FIRST place. What kind of
DUMBASS bookers do you have to be if you fail to FIGURE THIS
OUT....AGAIN? Here's your bonus - Steiner is passed a lead pipe,
which he uses to "snap" a shin on each man, just to make sure we
never see them again. Yeah, it'll be different THIS time. Jesus
Christ, now I gotta sit through another 94 minutes of this show.
Don't EVER think it'll get better because they'll ALWAYS find some
other way to RUIN it. DAMN WCW SUCKS. Leave it to WCW to end a long war with a match under two minutes.
Nothing EVER changes with this company. This is the first match as a team for the Paisans since....ah,
who cares. "This team is gelling right before our very eyes!" --the hell? I
guess nobody else watches this show long enough to be offended by
this rather blatant continuity breach. Ten Punch Count Along because hey, who gets tired of counting to
ten? NOBODY. Steiner takes it to O'Haire on the outside while Cat plays James
Brown...and Ms. Jones plays Morris Day...and Rick Steiner plays...a
white guy who can't dance. Replay of the finish - hey, if it makes the 300 fans in the
building happy, can I really complain about it? May I predict that if WCW is still around in a year, that they'll
STILL use this video of Chavo that says "NEW ATTITUDE" on it? And
that we'll all make fun of it, too? BUFF DADDY BAGWELL v. KEVIN NASH (with Let Us Take You Back to
Last Monday) - well, at least they found some stripes for Luger
during the break. Maybe he just didn't want to wear them earlier so
we could still see his pec flex. On second thought, that's probably
EXACTLY it. Tony says Luger made a big deal out of it during the
break, but you and I know better. KRONI>| are next, Page is back, ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL &
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET are out, we're all clustered up and it's
TIME to go. Nothing EVER changes with this company. At this point, I'm supposed to say something about "psychology"
or "transitions" but instead I'll say "at least Scott Steiner didn't
come out to ruin it - baby steps." Those of you who would think of writing me to complain that I
didn't give this match a glowing description of unearthly goodness
while simultaneously going ga-ga for Rikishi and Haku teaming up are
probably wasting your time. Will you remember ANYTHING about this
match in a year? In THREE months? Next WEEK? Cat steals a water and smites Stasiak with it. Hearing some sinster laughter, Wall perks up... but misses the
oncoming case shoved by Hugh Morrus. You should have seen it coming
- he should have known it was coming - hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
Morrus has got his Frank Gorshin DOWN, man! Earlier Tonight, DDP had a very special book signing. He got
about as many people as "Positively" Kanyon..well, maybe a few more.
Meanwhile, a black Hummer pulls up...aw geez...a *Hummer*?
Flair makes sure Dustin sees him kick him in the nuts this time
(or he does it for real) - *this* time Rhodes sells it. oh lord, it's ECW's DUSTY RHODES come back to kill us all. Can Nikita Koloff be far behind? I mean, with no Goldberg, it
seems like it'd be the perfect time to bring him back... The 1-800-COL-LECT replay is of Dustin no-selling about five
uppernuts...and Flair failing to no-sell a really old, fat elbow.
Daffney tries to lead a chant - I don't hear anybody else, but
who could with her voice? WCW Magazine ad - in case I didn't notice it last week, I'll note
that the picture of Goldberg wearing the WCW Magazine T-shirt has
been replaced with the old one of Miss Hancock - no, sorry, that's
DDP Tony goes ahead and says "swerve" for our benefit. Steiner catches the kick, ducks the enzuigiri and goes for...the
knee in the ass? No, apparently this is some kind of wacky
submission move ONLY Rick Steiner can do - Douglas decides to spare
him trying to figure it out and grabs the rope. Hudson offers an STF
- maybe he meant "Steiner's Truly Fucked for attempting to put on
this move." Schiavone suggests renaming the Death Valley Driver the "Steiner
Driver." Why, did a Steiner die? Hey! ACHTUNG ACHTUNG HIER IST ALEX WRIGHT has the stripes (of
course, the ribs are wrapped *over* the shirt for the benefit of our
storyline understanding) "You know, this started off kinda funny - it's gettin' real
pathetic." Well he's half right. How smug you were when you wrote me. "Oh, but they *signed*
Daniels and Modest! Things are getting better and you're WRONG.
They're going to get it *right* this time - the cruiserweights will
be *protected.*" How SMUG you were. Listen, do you think I'm HAPPY
that I'm right? Do think I LIKE the fact that I can call WCW
demolishing the credibility of their light heavyweight division a
mile and a week away? Hell, ANYBODY can do it at this point. But
somebody is convinced that this is the way to book it - sure, the
World Heavyweight champion has *no problem* tossing around four
cruiserweights - what they're doing in the same ring to begin
with....hell with it. It's a waste of my time. I'm not even *talking* about the WWF - if you can't defend WCW
actions without bringing the WWF into it, you don't really have any
business trying to defend WCW in the first place. Triple stack Steiner Recliner on Karagias, Kaz and Knoble - wow,
Steiner involved with a KKK, who'da thunk it. Here's some replays. Up yours. Boy, this show just FLIES when I don't care about it... These guys are *still* gonna wrestle at SuperBrawl Revenge? I
guess people who actually buy pay-per-views *are* idiots. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where ECW's Dusty Rhodes ruined
Tex Slazenger's chances of ever making it to WWF television - why
put up a funny imitation when the real thing is still hamming it up
on the other station? Two things to say - first of all, if his title is REALLY
important to him, Steiner should just drop down and let Page pin him
in 0:03 - then he'll be fresh for the title match. Of course, he
should have done that in the first match as well, but that's not the
way we deal with cruiserweights here in WCW. Which leads to my
second question: what will it say when/if Page meets with more
success against Steiner than did four cruiserweights? Poor Kanyon - everybody changes the channel and he comes out a
minute later. Nino is a guy in a mask and black body suit. Hey, maybe it's
Raven's girlfriend! Probably not. "What a swerve that was!" Yeah, I liked the part where he got his
ass completely kicked for several minutes but managed to win anyway,
because it made so much sense. I leave it to you to decide whether it was worth sitting through
the rest of the show just for this one match. BUFF DADDY BAGWELL v. BRIAN ADAMS (Kids wanna ROCK!) - Now I'll
give you a Brian Adams interview transcription, but I think
expecting play-by-play on *this* match is probably just a little too
unrealistic an expectation to carry. Let's just jump to the outside
interference, shall we? Can you believe we had to sit through five
minutes of this first? Now, normally I'd complain about the inaccurate timing, but let's
face it: another four minutes of these two would have killed us all.
MESH HEAD MUSH MOUTH (with Midajah & Earlier Tonight &
Scott Steiner T-shirt wcwgear.com ad) v. KEVIN NASH & ? - the
crowd wants Goldberg, the smarky smarks want Scott Hall. I have a
feeling, as Nash takes to the mic, that they'll all be disappointed.
(I personally am holding out for SAVIO VEGA!) He's got a chair - he swings - and we fade out. Does anybody
care? Does *anybody* care? Rhodes whispers to himself (and the camera) "Oh, this is gonna be
fun - it's GOOOOD to have Kevin Nash as a buddy." I refrain from
checking my ironyometer. Stasiak is probably the *worst* interview in WCW right now - he's
not even good enough for me to transcribe for posterity. It's seven to the hour...looks like they'll once again manage to
time it perfectly and have this match end just in time for RAW to
start. But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself...let's find out
together. Right, right, right, flip, flop, grab the penis, double axe
handle. Rhodes needs to PUT that thing away. Sheesh. Ref shoved into Rhodes - and Steiner sneaks in a giant kick to
the jimmy (hmm, HE noticed, too) as Silverman's back is turned.
Here's a Special Video Look at the Long History Between Diamond
Dallas Page and Kanyon - wow, there's a lot more old Russo crap in
this package than I would have like to have been reminded of...
I think BOTH men were pulling the tights. How confusing! HEY! Chuck Palumbo and Roxy Powers have the same hairdo! Did it look like the ol' heat machine was full force in full
effect last night? The portion of the crowd *I* kept seeing was
sitting on their hands while the soundtrack was REALLY excited...who
knows. QUOTE OF THE WEEK: This sucks. - Tony Schiavone, to close out
last night's PPV (disclaimer: this quote just may be taken out of
context) For those of you keeping score at home, this is the SECOND
pay-per-view in a row to run long, necessitating "cut" footage to
open up Nitro... Hey, that's what happens when you give Hugh Morrus
and the Wall ten minutes between the bells! AND for the second month in a row, the funeral march plays over
the PA as six pallbearers in black suits carry a closed casket to
the ring as a "KEVIN NASH R.I.P - FEBRUARY 18, 2001" graphic appears on the Nitrotron. Poor WCW once again has the
misfortune of booking this angle one day after Dale Earnhardt dies.
So is it the Magnificent EIGHT now? Or is it Flair PLUS the
Magnificent Seven? Ah, the problems of fluidic number space...
Ms. Jones and Cat have a public chat for the benefit of our
cameraman. She congratulates him for winning the commissionership
again, and he thanks HER for being one of the three women not to get
fired by WCW over the past few weeks. Well, he doesn't actually say
that... Remember when Mike Awesome was heavyweight champion of the world?
Hell, remember when Lance Storm had three belts? Well, nobody in WCW
does! Tonight, he'll face the guy on the Nitrotron...and introduces -
hey, that's Cesar Romero! No, wait, it's Hugh Morrus. Hey, I can see
his fillings! We look backstage to see that, yes, Konnan and Animal are having
fun with various implements backstage, including the dreaded *empty
cardboard box.* Tony reveals that we're in the von Braun Civic Center in
Huntsville, AL 19.2.2001 and THIS is WCW Monday Nitro on TNT! (I
wonder if jdw will find it all the way down here.) Chavo leapfrogs Kidman but Konnan gives him the facejam - rather,
Chavo falls into a facejam and Konnan's all "yeah, that's what I
meant to do" after a delay. But Animal is back in...gutshot - HE *POWERBOMBED* KIDMAN! HE
*POWERBOMBED* HIM! YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN BUT ROAD WARRIOR BY
GOD ANIMAL JUST DID! ANIMAL *RULES*!! Bagwell asks the cameraman to c'mere...then he asks again...then
he gets rather unhappy and starts making demands. I bet what he
REALLY wants is to direct! Bagwell takes a powder. I wonder if he's thinking "it all went
wrong for me when I stopped to pose..." no, he's probably thinking
"it all went wrong for me when I couldn't have a positive enough
attitude to make it in the WWF locker room." OH BOY! BACK TO THE CHINLOCK!!!!!!!!!! WE'VE GOT ACTION! OOOH YEAH! It's the Night that the Heels do Cool Stuff! Castrol Motor Oily provides the replay of Kanyon grabbing the
ankle, Bagwell hitting the Blockbuster, and they won't show the
replay of Jones getting hers because this is a *serious* moment,
folks. "Fans, this is horrible." You said it, Tony. HORRIBLY COOL OF
KANYON. (Hey Zed, are you some kinda misogynist or something?) Umm,
misogy-what? Cat says he doesn't need him to fight his battles - he'll take
care of Kanyon later. Nonetheless, he climbs into the ambulance, the
doors close...then somebody laughs. Oops, she should have waited
until ten seconds after the guy said "Clear" just to be safe!
Amusing moment has Steiner whipping LeRoux into the front row of
fans...and by "amusing," I mean "as amusing as you can get when
served up a big ol' plate o' SQUASH." I think LeRoux got in *one*
punch to the stomach in this match. Steiner is content to spend more
time challenging ringside fans to face him than to battle his
opponent. And, just for fun, Steiner *really* pours it on for the
finish. (Three Spicolli Drivers -> pin 3:47) If you don't like
him, you can bite him. Or you can say FUHFUHWID during the replays.
Yikes! Mr. T for 1-800-COL-LECT? Which sign of the apocalypse is
THAT? Danny Young checks on Lash LeRoux backstage...he's got something
internal happening - wow, this guy acts better than Stephanie
McMahon! What do you think? Doing interviews without an interviewer: (a)
innovative or (b) insane? "Not the Zoo" finally kicks in and here he comes. That's it,
baby, KEEP the memory of the First Family alive! The spirit of
Lightningfoot Jerry Flynn FLOWS through you! Morrus starts up a "USA" chant but does not say "HOOOOO." Bionic Elbows all around, double noggin knocker times two,
four-way slap, flip flop and groin - you know, this is actually a
pretty good Rhodes impersonation. Between this and Sting, Jarrett
may have found his calling. The answer to your question - why did they hotshot this feud last
night and now tonight - is Page is already bumped up to the match
for the World Heavyweight championship, so suddenly we have to get
THIS one out of the way. Make your own complaints about prior
planning (and lack thereof) here. A clean pin in the main event? Is this really NITRO? The way things are going, it sure looks like it's gonna end like
"Empire Strikes Back," with all the heels triumphant and the faces
reduced to looking out a window, hoping for another movie so they
can mount their comback...thing is, "Empire Strikes Back" was
probably the best movie, so there are WORSE ways to go... Cat says in order to get at Chris Kanyon, he'll have to step down
as commissioner. Then, he's gonna eat his ass like a pot of collard
greens. Words fail me - as did logic to the Cat, seemingly. Backstage, Konnan asks for the camera to be turned on.... then he
talks to...an unseen presence to his right. I can almost hear the
direction now: "For the love of GOD, don't look in the camera! DON'T
LOOK IN THE CAMERA!" Why wouldn't they want them to look in the
camera? I mean, if Konnan is addressing us, wouldn't he want to LOOK
at US? Right? Why wouldn't they want them to look in the camera? I
have no idea. You know who not looking into the camera is a
trademark of....yup, Banks. He still got a job there? O'Haire has the stick - hide the children: O'Haire will get his pay docked for looking directly into the
camera, by the way. Moments Ago, Sean O'Haire said (and I'm guessing - no idea what
he's saying)... Highlight of this match is referee "Blind" Scott James repeatedly
displaying his stripes to Rick Steiner as if to say "Hey, look, I'm
wearing stripes." Does ANY of this make you want to not turn the channel to RAW?
BOOKA T. runs out and cleans house, then he, Page and Cat clear
the ring. Where'd Hugh Morrus go? WHOA T's let his hair get nappy,
hasn't he? Cat with a kick, right, right, into the ropes, kick, dancing,
splits, uppercut. Didn't this guy just go seven minutes with Rick
Steiner? No effect on him, huh? Okay. Wow, this is like the most moves I've EVER seen Luger use.
Hot DAMN Booker T. is *still* the man. Good for him. Man, what if they DID manage to keep the viewers with that great
six-man match? Do you think they've sat through all this NON-match
crap AFTERWARD? One step up, two steps back... Kid Romeo vignette - the women like him, sure....but the GAY MEN
like him even more! Riki Rachtman takes us to Pardi Gras - with Fastball, wrestlers,
Nitro Grrls, 1-800-COL-LECT, America (eh) Online, and if you hadn't
changed the channel by now, THIS just might have pushed you over the
edge. When I get my hair cut, I'm gonna go with O'Haire's look, I
think. It's uncanny - Buff Bagwell is *still* charging stuff to Lee M.
Cardholder's WCW MasterCard - how does he keep getting AWAY with
that??? See the stars of WCW live - while you still can! Next Sunday,
Johnson City! Steiner berates the fans for completing his catchphrase. This match is nontitle, oh so who cares then. Wolverine Boots and Shoes bring you the Stomp of the Night - a
crappy run-in, another crappy run-in, and an announced main event of
epic proportions Unfortunately (fortunately?) he doesn't have the glowsticks with
him for this entrance, but he *does* have pullapart pants...which
I'm sure pisses off Buff Bagwell. Hmm, Hudson name drops his old Centre Stage (and r.s.p-w) cohort
Steven Prazak, who has an NWA Wildside connection to Styles &
Paris - interesting. Kevin Bacon fits into this somewhere as
well. As Skipper hits *another* pescado onto Styles, we see CHAVO
GUERRERO JNR checking it out from the top of the ramp - oh, good, we
didn't have enough going on with highspot after highspot, right?
O'Haire doesn't sound as goofy as he normally does...is that a
positive or a negative? Witchblade is coming this summer on TNT - at this rate, it will
be on in this timeslot, if you catch my drift. I know better than to call this match, but I'm already super
late, so let's draw it out and see what happens. Luger is approaching the magic number of TEN BIG MOVES this
match! I'm sorry but that was, as we in the business describe it, tres
lame. Bagwell *does* get a Buff Blockbuster on O'Haire after the
bell, but it all seems so meaningless now. Okay, play his music,
we're moving on. Here's a Special Video Look at Clemson, where apparently
*nothing* is happening - I mean, those parties cost MONEY, folks.
Outside, a black limousine pulls into the arena - dig that crazy
pair of cameraman legs reflected in the front license plate. Inside, Kanyon thanks Shawn Stasiak for the ride to the hospital
- he's apparently going to visit Ms. Jones (what, she travels from
hospital to hospital?) Meanwhile, Chavo Guerrero Jr. talks to....hell, I have no idea.
Somebody just off camera who says nothing and could very well not
exist. Or maybe they're propping up Okerlund's corpse but it's too
grisly to put in the camera shot. Tony tells us this is a big moment in Nitro, and surely he'd
know, right? Of course, it's a man in Rhodes mask, black hat, and plenty of
padding. "Fans, I apologise - I really do." What, there's no wolf,
Tone? Hmmm, the "American Dream" ripoff *does* play - well here *is*
ECW's DUSTY RHODES - three people are marking out - two are in
Tennessee, and the other one is in Rhode Island. Tony: "If there's a bigger news item in all of wrestling, I'd
like to see it, Scott Hudson!" I guess he must have missed Paul
Heyman on the other channel at roughly the same time. Oh well.
This is a pay-per-view match, but since you wouldn't possibly be
interested in paying to see it, here it is for free. Helms decides it'd be a better idea to hit a tope onto Romeo
& Skipper (You can almost see Skipper go "oh shit, better run up
and catch that fool") than try for the pin. Anyway, after copious interference that I'm too lazy to describe,
mostly due to the infuriating performance by referee "Blind" Charles
Robinson (who actually looks RIGHT AT Skipper in the ring at one
point - OH COME ON), Guerrero sneaks in his brainbuster and scores
the fall. Whoopee! (4:57) LATER TONIGHT... DDP and Booker T. vs. the Steiner Brothers -
hello? Anybody still out there? RIKI RACHTMAN parties with ... Gran Turino? No, I don't care - in
fact, I think I'm PURPOSELY misspelling it so *don't* bother to
write me with a correction because I DON'T CARE and you need to GET
A LIFE and and and Cat shows up at this point (he must always walk around shirtless)
Then Cat...defibrulates his ass. Fortunately, although he's
touching Jones, she feels no shock at all. Cat advances on the
camerman demanding the tape...and we're mercifully out. Damn, I mean
if it's not even funny when it's *Austin and McMahon...* Tony: "I'm sorry you had to sit through (the previous segment)" -
sure, he apologises for Kanyon in the hospital but not Rhodes in the
ring. He apologises for Kanyon in the hospital but not Romeo &
Skipper destroying a perfectly good match. Remember when Scott Steiner had *four* women accompanying him to
ringside? It's almost kinda *sad* to see him with zero women these
days...well, not really. Rhodes is gonna pose to the crowd until somebody stops him from
hitting this kick - well shut my mouth, all that stalling and he
STILL hit it. Well, it turns out that Buff Bagwell has the Kidcam or something,
since we go to a feed from his camera - have YOU ever found a camera
that actually HAS that crosshairs, frame, and "RECORD" in the corner
with a red light? Tony says we have a direct feed to Buff's camera and we'll watch
segments of his "documentary" from time to time. It would just KILL
these guys to just have plain ol' backstage interviews Rumours abound that the new owners of WCW will be here TONIGHT!
HAAA HA HA HA HA HA - anyway, they show three empty seats and a
secret serviceman nearby, waiting for someone to occupy them...
I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's not a Primetime
match without Stevie Ray saying "Primetime" three or four times a
second. This could be our only chance to have a decent match tonight -
let's savour the moment. Given the chance to appreciate these moves, we could really be
impressed, but everything has to happen in two seconds around
here... Skipper & Romeo have a spontaneous "who can do a fruitier
dance" contest - I gotta give it to Primetime. HUGH MORRUS & KONNAN run to the ring to do some
housecleaning. I didn't know it was possible for a guy in a red
headband to get along with a guy in a blue headband! WOW! TWELVE HOURS OF "DIRTY DANCING!" I'LL MISS *ALLLLL* OF
THEM!! First, let me say that it may not have been possible for her to
read her lines any faster OR flatter. Now, let me say that that's a
ripoff of Mr. Perfect's music playing...which can only mean that
it's a match made in "can't deliver a promo" heaven as SHAWN STASIAK
walks out. So Bigelow challenges him to a match at Greed. Man, that's GOTTA
be worth at least THREE buys! Back for another look through Buff's camera - they play the
tape...and somehow we MAGICALLY shift from watching the TV through
Buff's camera to getting *the feed from the monitor* on our screens!
One by one, they all leave the room - they actually call Animal
"Joe" - ooh, shooty! NAPPY T. is out to tell us what not to hate and what to hate.
Off the ropes with a wacky neckbreaker. Did I say "wacky?" I
meant "innovative." Buff Bagwell carries the power of the WCW MasterCard - hurry up
and get it while you still can - while there's still a WCW! You know
what's weird? Your choices here are the WCW logo, Goldberg, Sting,
Nash and Bagwell. We've seen ONE of them TONIGHT. That's right - the
guy in the ad! Hudson tries to put over the Security Cameras. How can he SLEEP
at night? Commentators seem intent on selling the kissing of Dusty's ass as
a legit stipulation...brrr. Flair vows that HIS ass will be kissed. Could we maybe go the
whole pay-per-view with NEITHER man's ass kissed? Smooth makes a big show out of limping - and making a pained face
while removing his jacket. I'm thinking this'll be a short match.
Check that - a LONG, LONG limp to the ring...*then* a short match.
Kanyon pretends to show fear - man, you gotta feel for the guy to
be forced to be scared of this doofus. He lurches back down the
aisle...this segment lasted about THREE HOURS UP NEXT... DDP and Rick Steiner - God help us all. Who attacked Midajah? We don't know. Why didn't the new owners
show up? (Because there AREN'T any.) No, we don't know. RICK WOOF WOOF v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE HAS CRAPPY MUSIC - BUT AT
LEAST WE'LL ONLY HAVE TO HEAR IT ANOTHER TWO AND A HALF WEEKS in a
nontitle match - ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL breaks it up - coughbullshitcough - (relaxed
DQ 5:58) RIDDLE: Q: What limps and quacks? A: A lame duck Either way, I've been completely vindicated. Those of you who
have felt compelled to write me over the past year *swearing* that I
was WRONG about WCW and if only I'd actually *watched* it and given
it a chance, I'd see how wrong I was - well, you can try to convince
me for two more weeks if you're that deluded, but after that I want
think I deserve some friggin' props already. That's RIGHT - it's all
about ME - ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME Okay, let's blow this
off 'cause it'll all be done next week ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
ME A lone trumpet plays taps as a flag at half staff is shown - lest
you be confused into thinking this salute is for WCW proper, a
trailer park is superimposed on the picture (along with the TV-14-DL
ratings box, closed captioned logo and a picture of Diamond Dallas
Page) "From seven hours of television to four," says I, "but I'll miss
WOW more than WCW." Last Night at Greed, Scott Steiner retained the gold - buy the
encore Tuesday if you like, but skip the middle five matches if you
want to stay awake The cameraman, looking for Lex Luger, approaches a door "Yeah,
this looks like Rick Steiner's room" - umm, he's looking for...oh,
I'm confused. Anyway, it's Flair and Jarrett behind the door - who
knows. "I don't need to be seeing this..." A CAMERAMAN WHO SPEAKS
FOR ME!!! Vertebraeker! Man, that looked VICIOUS. 1, 2, 3, of course. You
don't get up from that - umm, will he get up from that? Meanwhile, Bam Bam Bigelow talks to....somebody. Tonight he gets
a rematch against Shawn Stasiak, and the woman won't be helping him
*this* time. Geez, I didn't want to watch it LAST night. STACY is out. "Next time I come out here, I deserve a bigger
ovation from you people!" Next time you come out here, the show's
OVER. She's like a Lana Star ripoff now, isn't she? The rest of his speech gets relegated to the dustbin of history -
as WCW itself soon will be... NO MATTER HOW YOU SLICE IT, IT'S STILL MEAT v. TRIPPA B (with Let
Us Take You Back to Greed) in a return bout - "What an ovation for
Bam Bam Bigelow!" Patti Pizzazz tries to toss the hairspray to Lana
Star, but Randi Rah Rah outsmarts him, then drops him with the
*worst* version of Greetings from Asbury Park in recorded history
for the 1, 2, 3 (1:44) "All five titles on the line?" What happened to the hardcore
title? What happened to the television title? What happened to the
Women's cruiserweight title? So if any former world heavyweight champions are invited, does
that mean Chris Benoit is invited? Remember last week when this was the semi-main? I don't think
I'll bother with it *this* week, either. So if any former world heavyweight champions are invited, does
that mean Big Van Vader is invited? Dusty says "stinkface." That reminds me, isn't some other show
on? RICK WOOF WOOF (with Let Us Take You Back to Greed) v. KONNAN -
Come on, WCW - you aren't even TRYING. At one point in this match, Steiner actually holds an armbar for
*three straight hours*. Holy smokes it's getting BAD, FAST. ("Getting?") Well, maybe I've
been charitable with the visible light at the end of the tunnel.
So if any former world heavyweight champions are invited, does
that mean Faarooq is invited? Meanwhile, Storm & Awesome, being Canadian, talk to to the
*left* of the cameraman as opposed to the *right.* Hmm, symbolic!
So if any former world heavyweight champions are invited, does
that mean the Big Show is invited? So if any former world heavyweight champions are invited, does
that mean David Arquette is invited? Sure enough, both men get run into the backside of the
animal...and how fitting that that'll be the last thing we see this
week. How WILL they top it next week? I GET LETTERS: Patrick wonders: ...if any former world
heavyweight champions are invited... ...does that mean Vince Russo
is invited? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say "naw." THE CEO takes the long walk to the ring - what could *he* be
thinking about all this? Probably something along the lines of "why
couldn't I be at the Oscars when they kept playing my music?"
How ECW-esque is it to have the champion jerking the curtain?
Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick (freshly shorn for the summer and/or
getting a last freebie from the WCW barbershop) rings the bell and
we're underway. I hope YOU haven't been taking a drink every time Tony's said
"fate of WCW is in his hands," 'cause you'd be DEAD by now. That's a rather natty Hawaiian shirt worn by ring announcer DAVID
PENZER, by the way. I wonder if a Guerrero family reunion can be close behind - won't
Hector be at WrestleMania? Schiavone & Hudson wonder aloud about *their* job security -
we can only hope! Hey, didja notice they frontloaded this show with almost all of
the title matches? Now it's okay for you to switch to RAW if you're
a WWF fan, and if you're a WCW fan, you can stick around for the
Flair/Sting match - feel it! Bigelow's music interrupts Stasiak in mid-promo - thank heaven
for small favours. Ooh, it's getting REAL - Tony's voice actually *broke* there.
THE MAN (already in the ring) v. (THIS IS) STING...one last
time... - No, this *isn't* the time to ask Sting where he's been and
what's up with Scott Steiner taking him out, storyline wise. Steiner
was gone after the opening match, and Sting might be gone after this
one - just let it go, baby. And the last moments of the final Nitro on TNT? A WrestleMania
spot. It was a great three years for me, but I think I'm more relieved
than anything else that it's over. Hope I didn't disappoint you.
WWF Into the ropes...head down...Taker with a DDT! 1, 2, 3! (4:58)
Hey....Samoans are supposed to have really...well, he *did* pop up,
rather pissed off that his really hard head didn't get him up before
the three count. Replay of the DDT - and the fall. I think we've all
learned a valuable lesson: DON'T PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN. Oh yeah, have I mentioned that Stephanie can't act? ("Yeah, two
paragraphs ago.") Oh, sorry. I wasn't sure I'd gotten that across
yet. Triple H shills Weider's Dynamic Muscle Builder - what, did he
give up on Metacuts? They were supposed to make you The Game, and
super orange to boot! Well now "My Time" *does* play and out comes STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT
in her backup blouse. Before you write, accusing me of NEVER saying
anything nice about Stephanie, I'll offer "at least she took her
damn hand off her damn hip." Hey! Somebody actually wins in their signature match! Alert the
media! Benoit is about two armband adjustments away from having Dean
Malenko's old WCW entrance *down*. Moments Ago, one paragraph ago. JESUS CHRIST GUYS DO YOU THINK
WE'RE WATCHING SOME *OTHER* SHOW? YOU'RE UNOPPOSED THIS WEEK!
Austin reverses it, right, right, right, right, right, stomp,
stomp, stomp, stomp, pretend I typed it seven or eight more times,
I'm running late. Well, from no idea of what's on the show we go to knowing the
main events of the next TWO shows - the big triple threat on
Thursday leads to a "please come back and watch" WWF Championship
match next Monday. So at least the *wrestling* part is taken care
of... I guess the only question remaining is (when) will they try to
repair the *storyline* part? Also, if they keep saying "Stephanie screwed Austin" I'm gonna
get a VERY unpleasant mental picture in my head. Somebody should remind Jericho that Y2K is over and he risks
dating himself. Of course, the crowd chants "Austin!" But...but AUSTIN'S A
DICK! Edge & Christian take turns making fun of Cole's hair -
entirely deserved, too. You're watching SmackDown! And just one week away from the Sneak
Preview of Gary & Mike! After all, giving a half hour to
successfully launch a UPN comedy worked so well for "Shasta McNasty"
I forget, is "nontitle" another way of saying "champ gets
pinned?" Stephanie gets out of the door on the other side and attempts to
give us a dramatic facial expression. and BILLIONAIRE VINCE makes his way out. He ain't smilin'.
This'll either get much, MUCH better...or TEN TIMES WORSE. Earlier Tonight, Austin committed a heinous act - only, nobody
calls it "heinous" but me. Hell, if Jim Ross were here, he'd
probably be having orgasms all over my screen Earlier Tonight, CRZ took a nap instead of recapping SmackDown!
It was the right choice. If you can tell me what happens next, YOU TOO can recap
SMACKDOWN! I don't know - when *I* go to Subway, I don't see lots of fat
people lining up for subs without cheese and mayo MEAN STREET POSSE v. TWO OTHER GUYS - Rodney & Pete "Gas"
have *really* improved, but you've heard that before. Their finisher
is Rodney's High Society from Pete's raised, inverted wheelbarrow,
or body scissors, or...well, that's just a fancy way of saying "he
held him up." At this point, half a dozen of the XFL (DEMON) CHEERLEADERS came
out and took the front row right in front of me. I kept waiting for
exciting things to happen so they'd stand up, since they were
wearing leather pants and all. And here's a look at the lovely DEMONS CHEERLEADERS. I know
you're wondering, so I'll tell you that through my extensive
research...the one on the far right *definitely* has the nicest ass.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands in the mighty presence of the Rock!
Oops, Pat Patterson just popped out of the Rock's dressing
room....hey, wait a minute! PATTERSON JUST BROKE KAYFABE! BURN HIM!
Hey! Here's a look at Lita in the shower - woo hoo! Malenko spies
through the curtain...then pulls it back for us. Of course, she's
got her back to us - hey, who wears a thong in the shower? Oh well.
BALD VENIS v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN in a lumberjack match - it's a
real disappointment that *nobody* outside the ring is wearing Foley
flannel. WELL IT'S KANE and RIKAZHMONEY (with RAW Credits &
TV-14-DLV-CC boxes) v. "BLIND" JACK DOAN & "BLIND" TEDDY LONG
and IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLL DOT COM in a handicap match - Refs get no
entrance music - they wear standard "WWF Attitude - Come Get Some"
basic black T-shirts. I take offense when Ross says "they're not
athletes" - I wonder if THEY do. Rock is ready to start but referee "Blind" Tim White is adamant
that Stephanie's directions be followed. I tried to start a "Teddy"
chant but nobody went for it...except Jerry Lawler (!) I also
suggested he give him the ol' "right hand over the top!" but he
wasn't listening. Maybe if I'd have called him "Peanuthead," he'd
have listened. Jim Ross was very kind and shook my hand on his way out - a REAL
handshake, not one o' them "I'll slap you as I walk by" deals, so I
take back everything bad I've said about him ever. Well, most of it.
Unfortunately, I washed my hand at the Jack in the Box before I ate
dinner. The Rock is WALKING! *He* knows he doesn't have to arrive until
after seventeen minutes of talking by other folks! WHOA - I MUST have the "Malcolm in the Middle" soundtrack! It has
Baha Men! On second thought.....N'WAY WHOA - I MUST go to Subway,
eat a sandwich and instantly drop fifteen pounds! Wait a minute...
WHOA - I MUST go Greyhound because the creepy dog is IN MY HEAD - on
second thought, perhaps I should stop being so susceptible to these
advertisements Come to think of it, this Arrid ad isn't doing much
for me Neither this Pep Boys ad - hey, I'm cured! WHOA but this
Sportsmart Raiders ad is pretty cool Maybe I should comment on ALL
these ads - hmm, Star Trek airs twice a night on UPN 44 - I got no
beef with that Central Chevrolet - local car dealership ads suck
Exterior of the Oakland Arena marquee - too bad the Golden State
Warriors' slogan is "THUNDER by the bay" since this isn't Thunder -
hey, wait! The ADS are over! Whew! By the way, "Gary & Mike" is NEXT! In case you've forgotten
in the last five seconds, here's ANOTHER "Gary & Mike" ad
Austin grabs the chair....and a mic. Hmmm. Guess it's (No contest
0:49) All that wrestling takes up PRECIOUS TALKING time, you know.
Hardy Boyz eat another can of ravioli - aren't they full yet?
Triple H shills Weider one more time - isn't he juiced yet? I'm not sure, but I *think* the lyrics to Rikishi's theme go "I'm
a bad man / With a big ass" Straight into "Gary & Mike." It's a lot like "Shasta
McNasty," but in claymation. So guess what - I skipped it. I mean,
at least "The PJ's" had *Eddie Freakin' Murphy* - what's this one
got? AHMET ZAPPA? Four matches, and one of them a non-starter? I guess it's been
too long and tiring a week for me to complain 'cause I'm not really
all that unhappy. They had to set up the Rumble undercard SOONER or
later. Besides, we're all interested in *WCW* now, right? Right? Oh.
THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT come out to Triple H's new
theme, "Lemmy Been a Friend of Mine." Stephanie's hair is freshly
heel-crimped, lest we forget which man is supposed to be considered
de facto face in this heel/heel title matchup. Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Trish told Vince she's
been bad, very bad, so bad she deserves a spanking. In response,
Vince got CREEPY. Spank it! Dick Butkus pimps the XFL - it's REAL football. Later, he'll tell
you that "My Two Dads" was REAL comedy. Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder. I'm *afraid* of
getting muscles because all they'll do is push out the fat in front
of them and make me look even BIGGER Moments Ago, Rock was waiting for Undertaker to get up so he
could Rock Bottom him...too bad he wasn't watching the
EntertainmentTron or he'd have seen his partner creep up behind him
with the chokeslam. And there's a Last Ride. And there's
Kane...staring.....so is Kane still a heel if he hooks back up with
his half-brother? And when does the Show come back to get his
revenge? And that's the Last Word! Big Boss Man raised the
briefcase! The Executioners were Dwayne Gill and Barry Hardy! And I
need some more medication! Meanwhile, Trish makes ready with the Yapapi strap-ation, DUDE
Lawler says some form of "spank" about a hundred times in three
seconds. Before the beating can continue until Lawler's morale improves,
KING KURT ANGLE is out to put a stop to all this nonsense. Trish
says she still wants to come out for Kurt's match, but Kurt tells
her not to worry - go back to the hotel and put some salve on that
thing - rest up for the Rumble. He can handle Austin. "You go...ice
that thing or whatever." Stratus keeps rubbing it, in the hopes that
YOU'LL start rubbing...nah, I don't know. To WWF New York we go,
where Tha 1 Billy Gunn is inside. They ask him how he feels about
Chyna getting back in the ring on Sunday. He loves her to death, but
he thinks it's too soon. She's not 100% and that worries him. But
he'll be as supportive a gay best friend as he can be! In conclusion, you're a big poo poo head. Stephanie, watching on a monitor, reacts to this with....I guess
it's disgust. This match came about because....um.....they couldn't think of
anything better to fill the time. And you know what? That's just
fine. Stephanie ANGRILY chews on vegetables with dip because she's
ANGRY. So.....Vince doesn't mind doing it in front of millions of
viewers, but God forbid if *one road agent* sees it? I bet Madonna's
EXACTLY the same way. Meanwhile, "My Time" plays and STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT hits the ring.
She's got an entrance video now? NOW I'm frightened. By the way, her
hair is straight tonight, so you can probably cheer her if you want.
Well, before we get the end of what could probably have been an
interesting line, here comes KING KURT ANGLE to *really* muddle -
meddle - muddy - whatever, here he is. Stephanie tries really hard to make a Triple H sneer face...and
succeeds about as well as you'd expect. Which is to say, "hardly."
The King stands in the ring and - wait for it - introduces us to
the XFL CHICAGO ENFORCERS CHEERLEADERS. I like to call this segment
a "complete waste of time." ("What, that medication make your penis
fall off?") The WWF registered over a million voters - and almost twenty of
them voted! WELL IT'S KANE and RIKASHMONEY and KING KURT ANGLE (with Earlier
Tonight) v. AD BREAK - HEY! HEY! RIGHT THERE! There are two guys
moving the STEEL steps and I SAW IT I SAW IT I ACTUALLY SAW
IT...whoa...I'm dizzy...my head...we'll be right back Hey, you know Kurt Angle, the WWF Champion? He was pinned *twice*
this week...on Monday by Austin, and tonight by Rocky. With this
fact fresh in our minds, I think we can extrapolate thusly: either
it's a guarantee he *keeps* the title Sunday...or it's guaranteed
he's *losing* the title this Sunday. Of course, if I TOLD you, it'd
ruin the pay-per-view for you, so... I'll leave it to you to figure
out which. THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT start out tonight's
festivities - Triple H carries a sledgehammer and the look of a man
who got pinned last night - the Smark told me this was Triple H's
first pinfall loss since Abraham Lincoln held the championship, and
I know better than to try to use *facts* to change his mind. Test points to his armband, which has MORLEY written on it. Geez,
did Val Venis die and nobody told us? ("No, his MOTHER did. Can't
you show ANY sensitivity?") Oh. Well, let's move on, then. And now, the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2!
From last night, clips of the ladder match - which show no
appreciable burning that I can discern And now *Benoit* is asking Show where he was while he was getting
pinned. That ain't too bright, but he *is* Canadian after all -
ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. Play his music and WELCOME HIM BACK!!
(Don't worry, I'll be back to making fun of his matches in a week or
so.) WCW HARDCORE CHAMPION THEMONSTERHAKU is running down but it looks
like he's gonna blow it - 1, 2, Rikishi is forced to kick out of
Kane's finisher because Haku can't hit the ring in time to pull him
away. That's not the way to make a good impression on your second
night back, buddy. Lawler asks "what do you expect, to have a camera in Mr.
McMahon's dressing room?" Umm, they seem to EVERY OTHER SHOW, King.
And here's a Special Video Look at Drew Carey at the Rumble.
Well, he can always become WCW World Heavyweight Champion. Snow covers again - 1, 2, 3. Don't know what THAT was about, but
Snow finally got it done. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new
hardcore champion. (3:35) But a FIGURE IN BLACK emerges from a car,
breaks a 2x4 over Snow's back and puts Raven on top...1, 2, 3.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have the same hardcore champion.
(0:12) Here's a look at Times Square...and WWF New York. Inside, K-Kwik
and Too Cool...get rowdy. Boy THAT'D be worth paying to get in,
wouldn't it? KING KURT ANGLE & TRISH STRATUS v. AD BREAK - you were
WONDERING when they'd sneak in the ads to make up for having a
fifteen minute segment an hour ago, weren't you? Weren't you? No?
Oh. How come Vince never says "screw you" before saying "you're
fired" anymore? The WWF Slam of the Week is presented by Weider Dynamic Muscle
Builder - for people who think Stacker 2 is for WUSSES. Bradshaw exhibits visible annoyance with Hardy's "gay" - no, wait
- let's say "floppy" dance. Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder. Wait...didn't
Vince HATE Weider? Wasn't that the whole ICOPRO deal? Eh. Here's some stills of that ladder match. "Okay, YOU play Ciclope
and I'LL play Silver King." IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLL DOT COM is coming out in a $500 shirt you
will soon be able to buy on the Shop Zone, as it's got his logo all
over it. If you buy this thing, I want you to send me a picture of
you in it so I can put it on the World Wide Web and we can all laugh
at you. Steve Austin is - WOW! - DRINKING COFFEE! LOOK OUT FOLKS! Let me let you in on a trade secret...close your ears if you're
easily offended. Ready? Listen to me. It's a *codeword*, my friends.
When they call K-Kwik "charismatic..." well that's their secret
(until now!) way of saying he's "black." 1, 2, Tazz kicks out. 'bout time for him to do something, isn't
it? Is Test ready for this kinda push? Are WE? This month's WWF Fanatic Series presentation is "WWF Divas:
Postcard from the Caribbean." I managed to miss EVERY showing of it.
Oh well, I'll just find something else to masturbate to. RUFUS & CHAKA KHAN ARE STALKING ME Look! KEN "SNAKE" STABLER in the front row! He played in some
*other* football league! Chyna shills Stacker 2. How scary! During the Break, Rock was attended to. "It's fine - I said, it's
fine!" Angrily, he storms off - probably because he slipped and
actually said "I" instead of "The Rock." Triple H tells his lawyer if he screws this up, he'll beat his
ass. "And how am I supposed to trust your father? Are you sure on
this?" "Hunter, calm down!" "I can't calm down!" Must be the Weider
Dynamic Muscle Builder. During the Break, Austin rolled around on the mat. Ross: "And
when Austin came to, I want you to look deep in the eyes of that
Texas Rattlesnake, you stare deeply into those eyes, ladies and
gentlemen, when Austin came to. This was shot during our commercial
break, and by God, this will haunt you, perhaps for the rest of your
days. Austin finally made his way back up, and when he does, you
look right in those eyes, King, and you'll know exactly what I'm
tellin' you." What may haunt ROSS for the rest of his days is we
never got whatever the shot was that he was going on and on about.
Director desperately tries to get a good job of Taker's
bladejob...and doesn't meet with much success. Nice shot of that wet
spot on his ass, though... You know what...this is LAST week's show. I have the wrong tape
in the VCR. Sorry...lemme fix that. Chyna shills Stacker 2 - it doesn't do much for your
neck...unless your neck is all fat and it needs some burning I hope you can properly imagine Stephanie's HIDEOUSLY
melodramatic overacting here. That's either a new belt or Jericho has some KILLER belt shine.
Richards is so angry he actually has to LOOSEN HIS TIE! ahhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. 1, 2, 3. And they said the standard
garden variety "WWF Wrestling Challenge" SQUASH was dead! (5:04)
THE FUN BROTHERS v. THE ISLANDERS 2001 in First Blood - ... Old school - don't know how it helps him
bleed, but that might be why I'm not a wrestler. Kurt Angle is WALKING! Meanwhile, the Helmsleys are WALKING!
Wonder what I'll say next? Meanwhile, the Rock is WALKING! I *knew*
I'd say that. Austin heads up the ramp as Stephanie makes her one "mean" face.
I bet she has a hand on her hip, too. Oh yeah....this show needed just one more thing: More Blackman.
Guerrero puts the title belt over Jericho's face and Malenko and
Saturn hold him down. FROG SPLASH ON HIS FACE!! Looks like the Last
Great Mullet in Wrestling is back. But, alas, it's only STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT alone to provide
response. I'd say something about her headlights, but of course I'm
obsessed with her surgically-attached-to-her-hip left hand so I
can't. In the mirror, we see William Regal looking on...and making funny
faces. That mirror must be a funhouse mirror because it's making his
chin look large and distorted - my first thought was "whoa, what's
Antonio Inoki doing here?" Chyna shills Stacker 2 - gotta pay the bills *somehow!* "You've been programmed into believing that nudity is dirty, and
only appropriate when the lights are down. That's not living! That's
not freedom! The Right to Nudity will finally break the shackles and
allow us to be ourselves - our NAKED selves!" This just in: Mideon
released. BILLIONAIRE VINCE wants to get a quick makeup for not having too
much talkin' on LAST week's show, so out he comes. Chyna inhales some Stacker 2 - and it goes straight to her chest
And now, Weider's Dynamic Gullibility Checker presents the WWF
Slam of the Week! Aw, shit, the FUN BROTHERS are out to Kane's pyro and music to
muck up this match. Aren't *I* the sucker for calling this
match. We can only ponder the significance of the stuffed Frankenstein's
monster that always seems to be riding in Raven's shopping cart o'
plundah. Ivory put in the corner...looks like it's time for the
broncobuster - the really, really slow broncobuster. Let's Take a Special Video Look at the XFL - or as I like to call
it, FUHFUHWID XFL hype - again - HE HATE ADS Rios slaps the money out of his hand and says some more Spanish -
I hit the SAP button to see if he'd speak English on that channel,
but no. Rock comes back - right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT, Show
still on his feet. Rock says "didn't you see me spit in my hand?"
and does it again. Show STILL up - Rock's all "dammit, I SPIT IN MY
FIST - GO DOWN ALREADY" - and the *third* spit punch *does* indeed
put Show off his feet...and through the commentary table. But Rock
is down as well - that took a lot (of saliva) out of him. I would give Earl Hebner a hundred dollars to get his ass back in
the ring and count out both men....but that's just me. God only knows what Hebner was checking out at the time, but it
definitely wasn't in the ring. Cole: "No one has *ever* kicked out of the People's Elbow!" Has
Cole ever considered writing a book about wrestling? Only one problem...while Rock was going up, his leg clipped
Hebner, thereby knocking him out for a million years. QUOTE OF THE WEEK: I wish we would get serious with our light
heavyweights. - Jim Ross I don't know, JR..if you start saying it
EVERY week, you just *might* start being seen as (i) a boy crying
"Wolf" and/or (ii) completely full of shit. "Just one man's opinion,
folks." Backstage, Edge & Christian tell Angle they're not gonna host
Heat anymore - they're just gonna hunt down Carson Daly. "Yeah -
that chumpstain was totally ducking us. You know who I'm talking
about, the monotone guy with no charisma." Chyna shills Stacker 2 - there's a "Monkey Bone" joke in here
somewhere, but damned if *I* can find it Buh Buh Ray remarks that being five-time champions only means
you've lost the belts four times - let me take a minute and count
this out on my fingers...hmm...well, he's close. THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Can't Act & Chyna's Book Debuts
at #3 on the New York Times Bestseller List & RAW credits &
TV-14-DLV-CC boxes) v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN - lookit Triple H hogging
all the accompaniment! Lookit the way he HOLDS BACK Billy Gunn by
bogarting the RAW credits AND the TV-14-DLV ratings box AND the
Close Captioned box! That SNEAKY, CONNIVING, UNDERHANDED POLITICIAN!
WOW listen to Gunn gasp. Gutshot, Pedigree - it's mercifully
over. 1, 2, 3. (5:20) If Ross tries to use this match as an example
of Gunn going five minutes, DON'T YOU BUY IT, MY FRIENDS. Post-match, CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is out to work over X-Pac, and
doing quite a job of it (LIONSAULT!), until...whoa! I'd recognise
that scoliosis-laden profile anywhere - it's JUSTIN CREDIBLE! The Rock is WALKING! Meanwhile, Rikishi is WALKING! Meanwhile,
Triple H & Stephanie are WALKING! I wonder... YES! Stone Cold
Steve Austin is WALKING! They're running out of hallways to put
cameras! UPN celebrates Valentine's Week with "the Goddesses of Love." I
think "goddess" must be a codeword for "fat chick." Do you suppose H ever thinks "this entrance is making me THIRSTY"
while walking to ringside? KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands outside awaiting Steve Austin's
arrival. Would you say he's a goddess of love? Any CD with Kriss Kross *and* Another Bad Creation should
probably be burned...or made eligible for sainthood...lemme work on
that dilemma Here's another look at Linda - no, this is not a still photo
Terri is modeling a lovely St. Val's Day red number - Matt seems
oblivious (what, doesn't he like girls?) NOW THE SHIRT'S OFF SQUEEEEEEEAL (nobody squeals for Saturn
'cause he came out shirtless, see) Time once again for the Goddesses of Love...and Crash Holly (who
has a last name in this clip). The bigger woman throws some cards to
the ground so he has to bend over to pick them up so they can look
at his ass. Normally, I'd go back and find a more aesthetically
pleasing way to break up that previous sentence, but this sucks and
I ain't spendin' ANY more time on it than is necessary. Austin with a kick to the gut, right, right, right, right, right,
right, right, right, Benoit kicks, Austin right, Benoit kicks, kick,
positions reversed, chop, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, Austin
reverses back, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp
stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
stomp. These two are technically excellently technical and
excellent! I give it A MILLION STARS, Tom! Benoit with the kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick.
Chop, chop, right. Right. Kick, right, I hope I'm calling these
moves correctly! Austin with the death suplex - who had 2:05 in the "first
wrestling manoeuvre" pool? Benoit stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Years from now I may
look back upon THIS match as "the finest I've ever called." This is
the one for the time capsule, folks. This is subtle - watch Austin refuse to give us the cameraman ONE
good shot of his beet red chest. XFL hype - no, John Avery is NOT a Lethal Weapon. STEVE BLACKMAN
is a Lethal Weapon, friends. BILLIONAIRE VINCE is in the ring *again?* Who gave him the sweet
"top of the hour" segment? Oh, wait, he runs the company - HE
probably did. (That's pretty smarky of you to say, isn't it?) No,
see, when *I* say it, it's "quality analysis." (You're half right -
it's "anal.") Hey, I don't let *you* in here to make the jokes.
(You're just talking to me because you don't wanna recap a second
fifteen minutes of McMahon! Now suck it up and get those fingers
moving!) ...look, I love you guys and I FEEL for those of you who don't
get this show and have to rely on me to glean what happened, but
this segment is crap, and for once I can't be bothered to transcribe
Vince's speech. Go read some other SmackDown! report - I'm assuming
somebody else does them somewhere. Before anything more can be said, STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT bounds out
to the ring (trying to knock down an imaginary door with her head,
looks like) Golly, this whole segment was a heapin' helpin' o' SUCK. The Goddesses of Love pick a winner - I guess there was a contest
to see who could best sing "Loving You" while embarrassing
themselves the most. Why didn't *I* enter? "William...that's brilliant. Thank you! Trish versus Steph at No
Way Out - YUHHHHHH" and his head kinda starts bobbing like one of
those dolls. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN ANGLE Are X-Pac and Credible holding hands? Yikes. "WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" - how can it be "the Rock's solo
recording debut" if Slick Rick is also on the track? By the way, Jim Korderas needs to club whoever was responsible
for his photo in the "WrestleMania X-Seven" special magazine - he's
not only got five o'clock shadow, he's got NINE o'clock
shadow. Kevin Kelly stands outside the Rock's door, ready for his weekly
bitchslapping. Just to reinforce his character for our benefit, he
picks his nose in full sight of the camera. From RAW, Vince McMahon and William Regal do a pretty good job of
burning Al Snow, dressed as Mankind. If I had been typing the RAW
report tonight, I might have called it thusly: "Left, left, left,
left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left,
left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left,
left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left,
left." Fortunately for YOU, I didn't! I'm telling ya, one day that Kevin Kelly is gonna SNAP - and I
wanna be there when it happens. All right, FINE. Here is the transcript of McMahon's speech to
Linda. Under duress, I am. It's entirely possible that it's
important we get this down for posterity - some plot point could be
cleverly hidden in here and I just MAY be sorry later if I don't do
it now. Still, I think it's a pretty crappy segment but what kind of
recap would it be without every possible Vince transcription? All
right, your disclaimers are out of the way. APPRECIATE ME, DAMMIT.
SOME GUY YOU NEVER HEARD OF SAID I HAD NO TALENT AND NOW MY FEELINGS
ARE HURT oookay, sorry. I GET LETTERS: Despite my best intentions to AVOID receiving a
lot of mail on it, I received A LOT of mail from people willing and
eager to tell me that "Arnold and the Gooch" was a "Diff'rent
Strokes" reference - remind me to stop telling you I don't recognise
pop references... No no, I mean, thanks for writing. Ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA almost spits out that Christian is
one half of the tag team champions despite D-Von standing right in
front of her wearing a big ol' gold belt, but somebody manages to
scream "SHUT UP" in her ear before she finishes announcing "he is
one half of the World Wrestling Federation-- Christian!" LITA v. DEAN MALENKO - geez, he doesn't even come out with the
Light Heavyweight belt anymore...but don't worry, fans, I hear that
Jim Ross might include a sentence about "wishing we'd get our light
heavyweight division going" this Friday in his Ross Report and THAT
will make it ALLLLL better. You hear me, Ross? WE AIN'T BUYIN' THAT
CRAP NO MORE!! Hardy back in to help Lita up - hugs all around - whoa, Matt just
kissed her! On the lips! He IS straight after all! Now never mind that Tazz has *repeatedly* identified it on "Heat"
as the Tongan Death Grip, but Ross insists on calling it a choke -
and even after somebody says in his ear NOT to call it a choke, he
keeps doing it. Ross really needs to watch some other shows.
"Nothing but a choke in my estimation!" Damn, Ross, Haku needs to
give you one and THEN you can say that shit. Moments Ago, I predicted that a "Moments Ago" clip would open the
segment...but I do that EVERY segment. Ross asks Lawler if he thinks Foley has anything to do with
Snow's campaign - dammit, if Ross can't be bothered to watch ANY
show he's not on, somebody should *at least* be preparing him some
bullet points so he stays up on what the hell's going on! I mean,
that's just EMBARRASSING! I'm embarrassed FOR him! (Actually, I'll
sleep like a baby tonight not thinking about it at all) Austin pops open two beers and places them on the commentary
table for Triple H to enjoy. H quivers some more. I think he's
trying to give us "anger" here. Angle's song plays as lots of clips of Angle taking it to the
Rock plays behind it. Surprisingly, there are *no* shots of Del
Wilkes, the Patriot. BAN - ZAI - DRAWWWWWWWP. You can count to a hundred, but three
will suffice. I'm not sure how you could forget during *this* ad break, but
you're watching "WWF SmackDown!" on UPN - say, in this
bumper...who's that guy next to X-Pac that looks just like the Road
Dogg? ahhhhhhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAAAAAAAAAA(some day - wow he's hold
him up there forEVER)AAAAAAAAAM. X-Pac has a smile and a hearty wave for Jericho...he's in a
chipper mood because he knows that, by not competing in a singles
match tonight, I won't be harping on him about not jobbing. Play his music and chop your crotch! WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: ERNEST MILLER DOT COM v. IVORY - Well,
maybe it'll be short. Kat tackles her down, rams her head into the mat a few times,
vertical suplex (!), field goal kick...monkey flips her out...hmm,
she has more moves than the Rock! Hey! Team ECK is WALKING! Meanwhile, the Fun Brothers are
WALKING! Meanwhile, the Rock is WALKING! Meanwhile, the No Way Out
ad is WALKING! Meanwhile, the XFL cheerleaders shilling Stacker 2
are WALKING! Meanwhile, Kurt Angle shills SmackDown! 2 while he's
WALKING! Moments Ago, somebody was WALKING! while Trish Stratus took
it to Stephanie OH MY GOD I CAN'T STOP - WALKING! WALKING! WALKING!
WALKING! WALKING! Anyway, the graphic don't lie - it's Trish Stratus vs. Stephanie
McMahon-Helmsley at No Way Out. I like to call it the "making the
frozen pizza" match DISCUSS: The WWF had *zero* five star matches in the nineties.
NOTE TO JIM ROSS: Look, are you a *freakin' senior vice-president
of the WWF* or not? "Well, shucks and golly, folks, I sure wish we'd
ramp up our light-heavyweight division but it's just not happening."
No, you don't. You wished you'd call major league football for a
national network and you did. You wished that damn barbecue sauce
would hit the markets and it did. If you *really* wished the WWF
would ramp up the LH division, by God, you'd kick some asses and
give some orders and it would HAPPEN. Just cut out the damn lip
service...all you're doing is annoying me. And when I get annoyed, I
start to bitch, and bitch and bitch in repetitive fashion until
everyone ELSE is annoyed. Mind you, they get mostly annoyed at ME,
but still... WWF LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: DEAN MALENKO (with Up Next on
TNN: a Special Tribute to Somebody Who Died) v. TAKA MICHINUKU (as
garbled by Lilian Garcia - with Funaki and a woman) - - Malenko
remembered he still had that belt? The *committee* remembered he
still had that belt? Holy cow. XFL cheerleaders shill Stacker 2 - or, with the ratings, is it
Stacker 0.8? Raven tosses his jacket at ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA before
she can screw up his name. "WrestleMania X-Seven" magazine ad - is it worth $9.99? Well,
there's a mighty unattractive picture of Jim Korderas in there -
maybe that's worth it. Lilian Garcia, standing in the ring the entire time, makes a
grand total of *zero* ring introductions. Truly, this is her finest
hour! Sign in crowd: OLYMPIC CHUP - what the hell is a chup? And now, Greyhound and that creepy dog in the jacket bring you
the Overdrive of the Week! And now it's time for a little public display of affection - ooh
yeah - give it to me - ooh - ooooooh - oh. Excuse me, I need some
time to myself for a moment. Our commentators shill tomorrow's two hour block of God-awful
claymation on UPN Let's Take a Special Video Look at the burgeoning feud between
Jesse Ventura and Rusty Tillman. Remember, if you watch NBC on
Saturday night, you're telling them that it's *okay* to "book" the
XFL this way. XFL ad in the local slot, too. For Demons tickets, repeatedly
bang your head into the nearest wall Q: Why would anybody on this *planet* pay $44.95 to see
Holyfield/Ruiz 2? A: Don King is fleecing Latinos by playing up
Ruiz' ethnicity (where's Phil Mushnick on THIS one?) Arm wringer - "old school!" PULL ON HIM KISHI - nope, Taker lands
the vintage whatever. "JR likes pie." JR refers to himself in the third person? Here's a Very Special Video Look at the Wacky McMacky fam'ly, or
as I like to call it, FUHFUHWID. Anyway, it culminated in the
"dumpage" fun with Trish this most recent Monday - go read THAT
report, though I'm not sure I say a whole lot more there either. Or
go read the Jakked/Metal report - this'll probably clog up a segment
over *there* this weekend as well. (Hey, shouldn't you notice that
at least we hear Jerry Lawler's commentary in *this* segment?)
Well.....yes, I guess so. But you're hurting my FUHFUHWID gag with
all this extraneous commentary and analysis! (Do you think I
*care*?) All right, you're through - out of the apartment for the
rest of this show! (But it's RAINING outside!) I don't care - stay
under the roof. There's a big stack of newspapers for you to read.
WOW! Stone Cold Steve Austin! And he's (hey man, it's COLD out
there) damn you, GET OUT OF MY REPORT Does it seem *weird* to listen to Heyman call him the Game? Does
it seem weird to hear him talk about Rikishi & Haku? Will I find
it weird the whole two hours? Where's my WRESTLING? Debra says she's sure he'll agree, but she'll go check. McMahon:
"She's hot." Oh, PLEASE. "In a desperate attempt to increase ratings, the XFL will take
you inside the cheerleaders' locker room!" Well...at least they're
honest? Oh, good, I was just thinking "you know, the ONE THING that could
make this even better is if they worked LINDA into it..." And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From
RAW, Benoit boots Eddie with a headbutt...umm....boot...he
boots...oh I dunno. Here's another look at the exterior of the MCI Center - I hear
it's five cents a minute to use the can in there BILLIONAIRE VINCE is out - oh boy! Oh boy! OH BOY! "So again, I want you to keep in mind the mental state, the
fragile mental state that my wife is in...so, without further ado,
allow me to present my wife LINDA, accompanied by the beautiful
TRISH." And here they are. It's the part Linda was BORN to play!
Eat lunch with Kurt Angle - he *probably* won't try to break your
ankle The other midget is in - gutshot! SUPLEX! Tazz can't stop
laughing - me either. THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT (with WWF: The Music
[Volume 5] CD cover) are out to chew up some time - and this
entrance will certainly do that. Kevin Kelly anxiously stands outside an exciting door! Haku rubs his belly as if to do Kamala's "hungry dance." Double Feature of the chairshot - and Rock's reaction when he
realises that it don't work on him. Isn't Rock Samoan? I guess he's
only part Samoan - and not the part with the hard head, yo. Rikishi twitches OLD SCHOOL STYLE, just in case his triple spin
didn't sell it enough. I can see them before the match - "don't
worry, Rock, I'll sell enough for BOTH of us!" Another limo pulls up in the parking lot - Mr. McMahon and Trish
Stratus exit. McMahon suggests they go out to the ring and perform a
"live Hollywood sex scene." She's up for it. So are we...well, maybe
YOU are. I'm getting ready to downshift into "half-ass recappery."
Paul Heyman is AWESOME. Up yours, Lawler! Get your ass to a strip
club and shout "puppies" 'til you lose your voice - *I* don't miss
you! This match RULED and the commentary RULED and the WWF RULES. On
the other hand, Vince McMahon and Trish Stratus are WALKING! Maybe
I'll take that last part back...we'll see... Kmart wants to send YOU to lunch with Kurt Angle at WrestleMania!
After a tray of sandwiches with the crusts cut off, he'll break your
ankle! Hit bluelight.com! Why mock me in private when you can do it in public? WCW: I can't wait until Monday - HA HA HA HA HA HA I WAS SAYING
THIS A MONTH AGO AND *NO ONE* LISTENED TO ME HOW YA LIKE ME NOW
CHUMP - oh sorry And now, the WWF Overdrive of the Week, brought to you by
Greyhound! From RAW, Christian goes into overdrive when Buh Buh Ray
- wait, Buh Buh Ray Dudley goes into overdrive when - no, D-Von's
overdrive...umm...who knows. Our commentators attempt to make me care about the XFL again -
I'm thinking about calling my local media and DEMANDING they NOT
cover the XFL. Rock has found another camera to pace in front of! Steve Blackman! The master of deadpan! Buchanan still holding Blackman as Richards tries to come in with
a chair - but Tazz leaves the commentary position and gives Richards
the Tazzmission! PRAISE THE LORD, THEY LISTENED TO ALL THE
PETITIONS! BLACKMAN IS FUNKY! I especially like the move he does where he
bobs and points to Sexay. WHOA! MOONWALK! SPLITS! Spinning
roundhouse kick! He's like the Cat, but white! IT'S PARTY TIME!
Hey, MOTÖRHEAD is in the crowd! And haven't *they* aged well?
TNN TAKES YOUR CALLS AND THEN CLUTTERS YOUR SCREEN WITH THEM:
"Hey, Haku...ever thought about some styling gel?" Justin in
Burlington, NC There's something *funny* about seeing Heyman in an XFL cap.
(Funny strange or funny ha ha?) Well....just funny. 'pac has new music. Here's a brief sample of the lyrics. "Yo / yo
/ yo / yo / yo / yo / yo / yo" Oh look here's THAT SLUT CHYNA come back to kill us all. Thank God my biases rendering me ineffective won't matter in a
week when there's only one game in town! Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Hey, guess who gets the pin - his name starts with "X." Steve Austin plays with a forklift - hey! You shouldn't drink
beer and operate heavy machinery! What the heck is Bradshaw doing wearing a WHITE belt? Maybe he
DOES pound ass...naaaaah Northern Lights Tazzplex - bridge - 1, 2, 3! Do the bookers have
ADD? (0:52) Vince starts growling in a Barry White voice to Trish - I tried
to listen to it, but it was out of my audible range. Sorry. Boy, I'm getting an impression that since it's a week to
WrestleMania AND there's a big WCW announcement oncoming, they don't
even have to TRY tonight. On the other hand, maybe it's a
magnanimous gesture on the part of McMahon to ensure we all watch
the ENTIRE final Nitro. (Yeah, RIGHT.) Moments Ago, La Parka revealed himself as Diamond Dallas Page -
no, wait... Heyman: "The Walls of Doink!" Backstage, Coachman has caught up to Debra outside the Rock's
door. He asks if she can talk about the Rock's mindset (or
Austin's)... Debra again says that now isn't a good time. Then a
mysterious voice says "out"...and the tape stops! Wow, WCW is
INFECTING them ALREADY!! This week, "out" - next week, "clear"
Notice how he never says "World Championship Wrestling," only
"WCW?" Notice how he never says "superstars" when referring to WCW,
only "stars?" Subtle, that. Well....maybe not as subtle as you'd
think. After all, *I* figured it out. Hey look who did the job - hint: not X-Pac. (3:37) Our hosts tell us what a memorable night it was. I find it
memorable that we haven't had any sort of decent match yet...whoops,
that trend will continue into this segment... Back in Vince's office, Vince...shakes his head - looks at the
ceiling - and ANGRILY eats a bitter strawberry - then he spits -
THIS IS THE WWF! CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Earlier Tonight) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG
SHOW (with WrestleMania.com logo) in a nontitle match - hey remember
when Giant was protecting Jericho because the NWO was....no, neither
do I. Three more beers in...Rock is back in...behind Austin...poised
for - holy crap! ROCK JUST KICKED WHAMMED AND STUNNERED AUSTIN!
Moments Ago, Stephanie made dogs howl During the Break, Taker asked the cops if they could stop for
donuts on the way. No, REALLY. Shane sucks up to Billy Gunn, who sucks up right back. Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Mick Foley yadda yadda yadda -
and when I say "yadda yadda yadda," what I mean is FUHFUHWID Let Us Take You Back to Monday - this time the clip package
revolves around the main event tag team match - again I hit that
special button that makes the pictures go faster. Moments Ago - friends don't let friends have rough toasting
I think this is like the LONGEST AD BREAK IN THE WORLD Rock stands over Vince - Sharpshooter! Ring the fucking bell! Oh,
no...sorry, wrong city. I think everyone owes the WWF an apology - that opening segment
didn't last twenty minutes! It only lasted *seventeen!* From WrestleMania, Chyna accepts a phone call from 1976 - Lynda
Carter wants her outfit back Congratulations to Chris Jericho for managing to be the only man
to hold onto his title at the end of the night - congratulations to
Whoever the Light Heavyweight Champion is for dropping off the face
of the earth with HIS title as well Let's see....forty minutes....one match...yeah, that's about
right. Stephanie decides to remove her hands from her hips long enough
to run up the ramp and bowl over Trish. ("Shane? Could you teach me
that spear thing?") Back into the ring we go - gutshot by Stephanie, short
clothesline, got BOTH straps - and now windmilling her about the
assal area. Up to the second rope - she's gonna Vaderbomb her! - oh, no,
Trish is gonna sweep her leg and Stephanie is going to very gently
drape herself across the top buckle. Whip in the butt! Whip! Whip!
Whip! Whip! (THERE'S a camera angle I don't ever need to see
again) Gore #2. I don't know about you, but *I* am going to go start an
online petition RIGHT NOW because it's not RIGHT when heavyweights
squash the light heavyweight champion like that. You know a REAL bad habit that Ross has slipped into lately is
he's REALLY started to enjoy saying "scoring with a..." while
calling moves. See, he's NOT scoring - this here sport isn't SCORED.
"They don't score it on points in this game, Ross." "Kane scoring
with those right hands..." NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO STOP ROSS STOP STOP STOP STOP NO NO NO NOBODY IS SCORING WITH
ANYTHING all right I'm done with that. Remember when I used to say "Right to Censor *always* win?"
WrestleMania marked a paradigm shift - yes, a *paradigm shift* -
now, the rule is "Right to Censor *always* get SQUASHED. BILLIONAIRE VINCE saunters out to "No Chance in Hell" and a
rousing chorus of boos. I give 50/50 odds on Vince making a
tasteless Timothy McVeigh comment. (Maybe you meant 100/0 odds on
YOU making a tasteless--) Thaaat's enough. Hey, new Kane Stacker 2 ad! Kane rides a scooter! You know, I bet
he actually goes out and DOES that in real life Post-match, CRASH punks out Rhyno from behind...but the whip into
the ropes is reversed and *again* the light heavy champ gets gored.
I can see they received my petition! Ahhh! Bill Kazmeier for Met-Rx! SCARY! Vince comically looks at his groin. Ho ho ho. In the corner, H climbs to the second rope and hits fifteen
rights - crowd fails to count along - I think that makes him a heel.
CRASH & MOLLY HOLLY (with Let Us Take You Back to Monday) v.
RHYNO in a handicap match - No matter how you slice it, it's still
SQUASH. Molly never gets in, making the Highlight of this match the
wwf.com logo appearing and disappearing. Are Kirby and Jigglypuff related? Backstage, Linda is ready to head into her limo - but first, Lita
catches up to her to let her know how inspiring she found the
previous segment. Wow, didn't take HER long to suck up, eh? THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - ALL THREE OF 'EM v. THREE CRACKERS WITH
MUSIC BY UNKLE CRACKER - yup, Team X Factor's new music was so great
they've already replaced it with another version! Wahoo! CHRIS BENOIT (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover &
Heyman *really* wants "Billion Dollar Princess" to get over as a
catchphrase, but it ain't workin' with me. Credits, WWF logo, see ya Thursday...when it MIGHT be a good idea
to start putting on some MATCHES once again... Meanwhile, Lita is a suckup...and you know what happens to
suckups! (They become writers?) H needs to walk to the ring slower if he doesn't want to wait for
EONS for that one part of the song to arrive so he can hit that
apron spit pose. As if this entrance wasn't long ENOUGH, we now get one for STONE
COLD STEVE AUSTIN tacked onto the end of it. Well, it's either show
this or show some wrestling, I suppose. Yow! Double stomp from the top! PERRO AGUAYO! PERRO AGUAYO! PERRO
AGAUYO! ¡¡¡VIVA MEXICO!!! Got carried away - sorry. Looks like Spike's going for the Acid Drop-- (You know, they call
it the "Dudley Dawg" now.) Well that's a STUPID name. ("Acid Drop"
is better?) Well, hell, it's more of a "Drop" than a "Dawg,"
wouldn't you say? (Touche.) That girl that steals her father's car to drive to that party and
then turns down the smokes - what's in her CUP? It's not ALCOHOL, is
it? Scoop...carried across the ring - powerslam - hmm, Chyna *is* the
British Bulldog! Chyna covers - 1, 2, 3. (longest 3:53 in history) You know, only the really GOOD matches have FIVE entrances.
"Kane Items Or Less" is so amusing to me that I'm going to say it
EVERY time even though I KNOW you're all tired of reading it Are all Canadians misogynists or what? With Test seated, Venis stands behind him, laces the right arm
with HIS right arm, then uses his left leg to step over his left arm
- then he stretches the pecs AND puts his free elbow into his neck.
Remind me to ask Reverend Ray what the heck this thing is called
tomorrow. Tazz helpfully offers "beautiful submission hold." Hardy put in the corner, but he stairsteps up and moonsaults off
(you should have said "Whispers in the Wind") step off, fruity - 1,
2, NO! Hardy tries the barricade run, but H catches him and tries a
powerslam. It doesn't work, but they play pretend. SELF-PROMOTION: To make up for not spending Easter with my
family, I did Metal and Heat this week. Come to think of it, THAT'S
not entirely true either. What, is this whole report going to be a
vicious web of lies? That reminds me - gotta check the SportsLine
stock price... Moments Ago, Debra's not a bad actress - Heyman gets off a good
line: "I *abhor* female-on-male violence! It should NEVER air on
television!" Answer me this: What exactly does UNCLE BEN know about PASTA?
I think the scariest thing I saw in this ad for "A Knight's Tale"
was this credit: "'We are the Champions' Performed by Robbie
Williams + Queen" - brrrrrrrrrrr Crowd tried to anticipate the catchphrase - laugh at them!
By the way, if anybody sniffs and scoffs and tells you "well,
these two had a better match at the Pillman show," - and you KNOW
they will - just smile and tell them "well, I'M happy *I* just had a
chance to see *this* match - along with MILLIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE -
ya damn snob. That match was EURO AWESOME." Test and Billy Gunn are WALKING! Test is jovial despite teaming
up with The One. Should we blame the acting or the writing? Maybe a little from
each column. Heyman tries to convince me (and the censor) that Show earlier
said "goofs" by saying "Gooks! G-O-O-F-S, gooks!" - who knows, maybe
he *did* and the WWF is gonna take it on the chin unnecessarily - of
course, since they bleeped it, I have no way of knowing. All told,
Heyman and Ross and Heyman said or spelled it eight times, so you
know they were *really* worried about it. Anyway, let's listen to
the gooks - GOOFS! GOOFS! I said GOOFS! Oh MAN I'm gonna get it now.
Let's listen to the men from the rising sun. Rest in peace, Joey Ramone - may your legacy be hopefully
SLIGHTLY better than "somebody called TNN after you died and told
them you had pop" Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! - wait, did I already see this
video package? At the very beginning of the show, maybe? Yes...yes,
I did. (You're WEIRD. Didn't you see this MATCH on Thursday? Didn't
you see this interview on Heat last night? Why don't you just bitch
about that instead?) You know, you're just a CRUTCH. I can work just
fine WITHOUT you. (Oh yeah? Let's see you TRY it, Poindexter. I step
out for a segment and you're ALREADY making racist cracks) Jeff EMOTES! "You're right...you're right...thanks." Matt
*should* have said "and you can always get counted out or
disqualified if things get REALLY tough" but *they don't go out like
that!* WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie
Can't Act & Castrol presents Backlash & "WWF: The Music
[Volume 5]" CD cover) v. JEFF HARDY (with Lita) - instant
prediction: Hardy by DQ after Triple H disembowels him. Lita backs off as Austin slowly stalks... Oops, Triple H just got
a pin somehow. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new, four-time
intercontinental champion. (11:28) This was pretty wiggity weak, yo. Does Shane affix that "WCW 1" license plate himself to every limo
he rents? Meanwhile, Molly Holly limbers up. JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up
and asks her what she thinks her chances are against Chyna, coming
up next. "Well, I think my chances are pretty fair. I mean, I may
not be as big as Chyna, but I'm gonna go out there and do my best.
You never know, Coach - (wink) you might be looking at the next
women's champion." "Well good luck! Go get her!" I think he's sweet
on her, I do. Meanwhile, Kevin Kelly's vacant gaze appears to ask "how come
Coach gets to flirt with Molly while I'm waiting for Taker and Kane
to fuck me up?" Will the XFL Championship be as exciting as this game? Only if
Brian Bosworth is doing the commentary, JACK Commentators try very hard to get me interested in the Million
Dollar Game....with any luck, it'll be raining, and raining hard.
Kane only summons his flames with the right hand, 'cause he's
SELLING, yo. "Heh - Kane, do you wanna see that one more time? I thought so.
Let's roll that one more time." Pretend I cut and pasted that in
again. The REFS are out but afraid to get in the ring. Too bad *they*
don't have any friends to save them, right? Low blows for everybody!
Holy cow, a TRIPLE Ultimate Cheeseburger at Jack in the Box? I
need me some new arteries! Spike back in - but he gets gored. 1, 2, 3. (1:40) Sorry, I meant
to say "GORE! GORE! GORE!" I'll work on that. WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER DOT COM (with Steven Richards
& Backlash at WWFNY hype) v. KAI & TAI - Ring flowerpot
LILIAN GARCIA gets close enough with "Michinuku." They show up,
leave...and come back in Elway jerseys, swinging Broncos flags. I
HATE them now. Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEYMAN - geez, Heyman, NICE
SUIT But the music that plays...belongs to the HARDY BOYZ. Jeff keeps
dancing after they've cut the music. Oops. Matt: "Hey! You guys are real brave all right. You wanna come out
here and call out two guys that you jumped from behind? You wanna
call somebody out? Well we're OUT!" I KNEW THEY WERE GAY oh wait
that's probably not what he meant. CHRIS BENOIT and CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with RAW Credits &
TV-14-DLV-CC boxes - what, only THIS hour is close captioned?) v.
COMMISSIONER REGAL & KING KURT ANGLE (with Let Us Take You Back
to SmackDown!) in a submission match - Garcia: "The following is a
tag team submission match, and it is scheduled for one......(wait,
can I say fall? I better just trail off to be safe. CRZ's gonna be
MEAN to me again)" ONATHAN COACHMAN leers at Trish Stratus - somehow, this turns
into a "Divas in Hedonism" video ad - I wonder what Jacqueline
thinks about the Coach chasin' after all them cracka hos? Oh no you
didn't! Girl, PLEASE. Terri sure has a lovely pair....of Brett Somers' sunglasses on.
Okay, I'm officially tired of that FRAM ad where the dude slaps
his woman's ass before taking a piss. WASH YER DAMN HANDS ALREADY
I urge you - please find another RAW recap *immediately*. You
will NEVER be happy with me. By the way - of IGN Wrestling and CRZ, one is still providing you
with results. I don't know what that means, but it means SOMETHING.
This is a nice package and all, but it sure is
looooooooooooooooong - about six and a half, looks like. You know
what this package needs? That's right - LIMP BIZKIT Matt's kiss planted on Lita must have had too much tongue - we
look at the crowd while it happens. HE CLOTHELSINED HIM OUT OF HIS NIFTY HAT!!! When UPN says "You can't imagine how it will end," is it wrong of
me to think "why are they comparing the Voyager series finale to a
WCW pay-per-view?" Well that was pointless to get all the props if all you're gonna
do is PUNCH, isn't it? "Don't Try This at Home" PSA - pffft - remember, kids, if you DIE
then the WWF won't ever get any more of your MONEY Check out the femullet! What *I* want to know is if any of my *gay* readers think it's
really that gay...because, presumably, they'd be the best judge of
that. Anybody want to take one for the team and drop me a line?
I GET LETTERS: I know why you're all here - you want to hear from
MY GAY READERS!! OKAY, FINE, I'LL ADDRESS THE "FEUD": I know that some hard
feelings have come up lately, and I'm really not much of an online
battler, despite what you may have heard otherwise. I want to
diffuse the situation as soon as possible, and I figure the best way
to do it is with a free unsolicited plug at the top (well, near the
top) of the column, so hey! Why don't you all go visit the Smarks
site **right now.** That's right! I'm giving in and capitulating -
I'm FINALLY burying the hatchet and patching up ALL of my
differences with... Al Isaacs. Go now - NOW - to www.smarks.tv and
tell 'em CRZ sent ya! (Just *don't* sign up for their spam list.)
X Factor - 1, 2, 3. Golly, X-Pac wins a singles match? Alert the
media! (3:21) Talk turns to last night's Last Man Standing match. Courtesy: the
encore, we look back to last night's Owen Hart Memorial Spot - of
course, they switch to stills when it comes time to show the fall
because (1) you have to PAY to see that and (2) Shane didn't really
connect with Show anyway. But the music is interrupted... by "(Oh oh) WrestleMania," which
can only mean one thing: LINDA McMAHON is set to appear - and here
she is on the EntertainmentTron, from WWF New York. WAKE UP, LINDA!
It's time to talk! Here's a Special Video Look of yesterday's premiere of "The Mummy
Returns" - also known as the "stroke the Rock" segment I *will* say that one cool thing about arena football is the fact
that nobody bats an eye at a 62-57 score. TRISH DOT COM (with RC presents Judgment Day!) v. BAZOOKA
JO(ANI)E DOT COM (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) in a
nontitle bout - Trish tries a shoulderblock - Chyna doesn't move.
Scooped up - Trish struggles back to her feet - but Chyna runs her
into the turnbuckle. Kick, kick, kick kick kick kick. Whipped into
the opposite corner - gutshot, press ... hold ... she ain't gettin'
away this time ... and drop. Sablebomb. 1, 2, 3. I hear all the
matches in GAEA are just like this. (1:24) This match (and that last comment) was a smark trap, by the
way... Whoa! It's *Sting* on Monster Jam! I guess he *does* have a lotta
free time... LAST MONDAY: Vince gulped. You know what's cool about all these
highlights, though? For the most part, they're in and around that
ring. Marilyn Manson's "The Fight Song" is my cue to bring the
FUHFUHWID X-Pac jobs! Call your mom! Austin is *still* busting out "My name is Stone Cold Steve
Austin" and I love it. H rolls the gurney back into the ambulance and *finally* they get
the ambulance underway. Looks like SOMEBODY watched their old RAW
tapes! (Who, the Undertaker or the writers?) Depends how "inside"
you want me to be, I guess HEY! "7 Days" is back! Maybe this time I'll actually remember to
WATCH it Moments Ago, Austin probably wishes he'd never commandeered an
ambulance back in the day - who would have known the Undertaker was
a student of history? Here's a Special Video Look at the "Mummy Returns" premiere -
which I believe I also ignored on Monday - did Rock really refer to
the character of the Scorpion King as "nonlinear?" What does that
even MEAN? "Foley is Good" is on sale starting TUESDAY! My God, I'll bet you
didn't think there were ENOUGH WWF items to spend your money on,
wot? Moments Ago, I'm Vince McMahon, Dammit was laid out with one
punch. I don't know what a Gundam is, but I've finally decided that all
the people in this ad REALLY need to get a life Commentators update us on what's happened tonight, just in case
we were watching some other show "Austin's back, and so is...RIKISHI." He's a bad man. How could
the man who ran down Stone Cold suddenly be on his side?
Well....Undertaker DID shove him off of the Hell in the Cell into a
flatbed truck full of wood chips, and that can change a man. Anyway, Rikishi complies and woo hoo look at the dancing fat man.
Despite was Ross says, Sexay is NOT a former champion, but his
partner is! Damn, he's even got Heyman believing Sexay was a former
champ. COMMISSIONER REGAL v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO within the confines of
the STEEL cage - pinfalls aren't counting tonight - you get out of
the cage or you don't win. Referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas manages
the door, so look for me to say BUT THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE! two or
three times during this match. Again Jericho's head meets the cyclone fencing. Regal makes
coleslaw out of the cabbage that is Jericho's face. When you hear Marilyn Manson, that's your cue to keeeeeeeeeep
fast-forwarding When I said "smark trap," last week, what I meant was they wanted
people like me and them and that guy over there to go over the top
with our "oh LOOK at her - she DOESN'T EVEN SELL - she's a PRIMA
DONNA - she's ONLY interested in HERSELF" and unknowingly sell the
angle they're trying to "surprise" us with. Got me? MICK FOLEY returns - apparently, he found one of those magic
ticket booths that sells front-row seats long after the show starts
The Rock was on the Tonight Show - he's a rehash! Oops, I mean
"here's a rehash!" Anyway, "the Mummy Returns" had the highest
non-holiday opening weekend in movie history, which surely must be a
sign of the impending apocalypse...or something Meanwhile, Rikishi - man, I don't *care* if he's a face now, but
I *still* don't wanna see him doing squats from that camera angle
Vince walks over to Foley...who proudly displays his ticket stub.
I bet HE didn't have to pay a $6.75 "convenience fee." Wow, trim a twenty minute waste of time down to a couple of
minutes and it almost becomes palatable! And I'm sure "palatable"
was the word furthest from Stephanie's mind whilst receiving yon
stinkface... X-Pac & Credible take headsets and join our commentary team.
Aren't you excited? X-Pac asks why Raven can't respect the sport and buy some decent
ring gear - like Credible, presumably. Coach is a big ol' CHICKEN "Heh heh heh heh heh - WOMEN." Then he takes the WWF title and
puts it over his thigh - then caresses it - eww, let's leave them
alone for a few minutes. And now, a few words from the woman who probably shouldn't be
wearing the hot pants - not that I'm a proper judge of fashion by
ANY means. Good God, this is so melodramatic even Snidely Whiplash himself
would say "Man, that's SO over the top - try to tone it down a HAIR,
wouldja?" Paul Heyman falls over himself to praise Stephanie's performance
- aw, man, grow some BALLS. Stephanie quickly gets out of harm's way...then smiles and waves.
That was SO much cooler than all her bad acting. H invites Stephanie in for "the hardest slap in the business" -
yikes, who wears short shorts? Stephanie wears short shorts. Those
aren't ALL shadows. Taker sips another beer - ooh, he's an ANGRY drunk! RC: it's cola for people who are cheap! Wasting no time, MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN hits the ring
with a belt in each hand. After an appropriate interval, THE NEW MAN
(with Stephanie Can't Act) also gets a long-ass entrance. Wow, all
this entrance-ing sure is saving me lots of time. Five minutes down,
about 120 to go! Benoit goes into his tights (and Jericho WATCHES? ewww) and
removes the medals. As God is my witness I have NO idea why I transcribed all that.
Lita SQUATS! Chyna meets up with her - and off they are WALKING!
See, when it's two WOMEN, *they* can walk AWAY from the camera so we
can check out their goods... Watch Coachman's lips - I think he's contracted Bischoff's
Disease. Saturn ties Guerrero to the Tree of Woe, goes outside and chokes
away - then gets fresh with Terri AT THE SAME TIME. What a MACK.
Commentators shill the Voyager series finale Wednesday...wow,
could they put any LESS heart into their reading? (Hey, ever notice
they never hype ANYTHING on TNN that isn't WWF?) Well, he DOES finally pull on Benoit's tights, reach (ewwwwwww)
for the medals...and he comes up with them! Angle celebrates,
kissing (EWWWW) the medals (Tazz: "That's gotta be TANGY, Cole!")
and raising his arms high to the crowd. Oops, his back is to Benoit
- that's the crossface, folks. Angle clutches the medals and screams
in pain - finally, he has no choice but to drop the medals and tap.
(5:43) Benoit takes the medals back, then meets Rikishi on the ramp
for some quick posing. Benoit makes a big show of stashing the
medals back in a ..well, it's not a cool, dry place...much to
Angle's consternation. And they say this sport is homoerotic!
But now EDDIE GUERRERO is out at the top of the stage - and it
looks like he's auditioning for a part on "the House of Sarcastic
Clapping People," too. The *worst* part of this segment is the fact that Chyna never
removed that strange, strange headband the entire time - between
this and that hat on Monday, you have to wonder if maybe she's got a
big ol' pimple on her forehead she's trying to hide or something.
From RAW, Jericho gets the pin on Edge, but later gets burned by
Edge & Christian's Conchairto - and maybe, just MAYBE, he might
want to stop giving interviews at the "oilcan's 'n' cyclone fence"
set since they ALWAYS seem to end in tragedy If Jim Cornette were here, he'd be able to start a "Y2J" chant
just by doing some rhythmic canvas pounding, but unfortunately
nobody's taught Christian how to do that. Too bad. Golly, it's a hillbilly angle for the new millennium! (That's not
a BAD thing, by the way - it's always nice to see the classics.)
Hey, THAT'S the ad right there. Her anti-drug is her future.
That's "4" by Aphex Twin. Yup. My anti-drug must be ID'ing music in
these ads See the Rock's picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone! He's
gonna buy five copies for his mother! Somebody's blowing bubbles in the crowd - DANGEROUS, VICIOUS
BUBBLES. INTERESTING, YET DEPRESSING CRZ FACTOID: Did you know... I've
produced approximately 2.2 MILLION words for WrestleLine? By the way, over the course of the past few weeks Austin has
established himself as the GREATEST HEEL EVER (for those with short
memory spans, anyway). He could write a BOOK on being a heel. He
needs to keep the belt until....say, WrestleMania 20. Yep. (A few
months from now, we can wonder what the hell I was thinking when I
said this) Meanwhile, Kurt Angle arrives at the arena, proudly displaying
his medals to everyone he walks by. "Good to see you, Bob." "My name
is John." "Whatever - God bless America! Wooo!" Now, I don't want to
alarm you, but while this was playing...I could have SWORN that some
of these very WWF workers were within eyeshot, within the arena
*while this segment was airing.* How - HOW CAN THEY BE IN TWO PLACES
AT THE SAME TIME????? "WWF Tough Enough" ad - oh man, I hope Tazz is wearing XFL gear
throughout this ENTIRE run so we can CONSTANTLY be reminded of its
FAILURE - oops. Anyway, it's coming soon to MTV (Slogan: When you
think "music television," think "wrestling reality programming")
Terri's in a silk robe, as Sam Malone said when he first met
Rebecca Howe, "abooeah." X-Pac inspired me to shave off my beard with his stunningly close
shaven good looks. (Perhaps I am overstating X-Pac's looks.) Is Shane writing his own stuff, 'cause if anybody else had
written it, I'm SURE somebody would have had the balls to tell that
writer that those lines SUCKED. Ross almost calls D-Von "Bubba Ray" - I guess all of Heyman's
"Jewish" comments are rattling him. Angle grabs the bad arm and hits - WOW, it's a wakigatame! Kane
locks his knuckles, Angle tells him to let go so he does, Angle
drops down - JUJIGATAME! And now, my friends, you know the
difference. ("What? That doesn't help me AT ALL!") Okay, let's
rewind and try it again. Now SHUT UP ALREADY about how you don't like the WWF. If you
couldn't find ONE thing to like about this show, I ain't got TIME
FOR YA. BLATANT PLUG: You like comix, so after you're done here, go visit
pffft.net! They told me that if I plugged them at the top of the
column my chances of a four-way sexual encounter with them would
SKYROCKET (and yet - a *thousand* times zero is *still* zero)
How did X-Pac get so awesome this week? Sexay should feud with Regal in a "facial expressions" matchup
And now MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN DOT COM is out to show
off his championship belt to anybody, if only they'll look. "Bunnies eat radishes so they can have babies. You're welcome!"
Wait a minute. Let me go back and make sure I got that down
right....yep. Your guess is as good as mine... Jakks Pacific Whatever I Typed Above ad #2 - golly, I sure hope I
don't have to come up with ANOTHER three ways of saying this later!
What? You do, too? You know, you won't be so CAVALIER with my
feelings when you find out I'm GONE Edge predicts "total victorification" and as they walk off,
Garcia gives us her "I'm freakin' bilingual and I *still* didn't
understand you" face Crowd wants tables - can't they just be happy with ladders?
And here's that footage - you know, I doubt Jake Roberts is
REALLY playing that horn. I'll bet Hulk Hogan *is* playing bass,
though, but unfortunately we tune out just as his solo
starts. Various shots of Vince getting funky as I spy JYD and George
Steele in the "band." Ross compares him to Tom Jones with the June
Taylor dancers - and I sense a generation gap - nay, CHASM. Hey, look! It's Canada! It's Calgary! It's the exterior of the
Saddledome! HEY! I think some guy is squatting behind that tree
there! Geez, haven't these guys hear about *indoor plumbing* YET?
Guerrero is wearing a Hardyz T-shirt, as well as a faggy - sorry,
EFFEMINATE - Hardy trademark fishnetty arm thingamajig. Enjoy those bogglin' eyes of Grand Master Sexay, 'cause WWF.com
is reporting that since he was caught with drugs at the border, he's
been SHITCANNED During the Break, Storm sprinted up the steps, out the door, and
hugged Shane McMahon, who proclaimed it "on." And, like I said, what
*better* way to make a statement than to run in on Blackman/Stratus
vs. Malenko/Terri? You know, I never saw that "Owen" sign after the first
segment...you don't think the sign police would...oh yes they would.
Ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA introduces Jericho as not only
coholder of the tag team championship, but also the intercontinental
champion, which probably comes as news to Kane. Meanwhile, Albert is still trying to figure out how he just got
pinned, given that he forgot to look at Lita and get distracted.
By golly, it's STILL daylight out in Calgary! Boy that Saddledome
sure is *garishly* coloured. You know what was good about that "Stand Back" footage, thinking
back? It didn't have a WWF logo in the lower left corner. That's a
subtle point, but it helps reinforce the notion that Jericho and
Benoit, say, picked it up on Ebay. You know, when Vince said "only you can appreciate this," I think
he must have self-edited "and this cameraman" from that
line...presumably in the interests of saving precious television
time I hope the Dudley Boyz aren't actually watching this replay on
the EntertainmentTron, HMMMMM?! 'cause, you know, it sure looks like
that could help clear up the misunderstanding, and it sure looks
like D-Von WAS starting stageward this whole time. Remember, every time they say "this is the Dudleyz SPECIALTY
MATCH," what they're *really* saying is "the Dudleyz NEVER WIN this
match." Footage from the next day, as Stephanie McMahon was there to
watch the operation and cry a lot - wow, she's really game to let
the WWF cameras exploit her like that. I don't doubt for a moment
those are real tears, too. I will say this, it really makes this main event seem like a
special, big deal when they have HOWARD FINKEL back out to make
introductions - AFTER both men get their entrance (not to mention
the champ entering first): Hebner: "seven minutes." Pretend you didn't hear that. That last bit right there - and Ross' final say on commentary -
makes the subtle yet *incredibly important* difference between Vince
Russo's multiple attempts to recreate Montreal, and this WWF team of
writers' attempt to recreate Montreal (only, not exactly recreate
it). Clips of Christian takin' a shellackin' serve to explain his
absence for storyline purposes (and apparently better than "he's off
on his honeymoon" would - sorry Rebecca) WOW! Having genital herpes can be SO MUCH FUN (according to this
ad)! "Molly, I really...like you. I really, really like you." Awww.
Coach slaps his back and smiles. HE remembers being in love! Backstage, LILIAN GARCIA stands with Kurt Angle - WHOA no
closeups, please, I know you want us to see the medals but all I can
fixate on are the pimples on his pec (OUCH!). Ummm, "featuring Marvin Gaye?" The man has been DEAD for YEARS.
("Didn't stop 2Pac.") Well, you got me there. Austin admires his shiny title belt...pets it a few times...wow,
I feel like I'm intruding here. Oh, but wait...here comes BILLIONAIRE VINCE, and he's wearing the
zebra stripes (and, of course, no sleeves). Well, at least McMahon isn't Hebner's succedaneum in this match
as I'd earlier feared. (I just won a bet!) original WrestleLine teaser: I'm more of a high class call girl -
you seem to want a cheap whore Ventura is out in wacky shades and Jericho-esque overshirt. Nice
loafers, Guv! Lita's all "hmm, I'm dating a LOSER. I wonder what Eddie's doing
right now? He's so SWARTHY." Mick brings up Alexander Hamilton - Trish, being Canadian, just
nods as if she knows what he's talking about. Spike's smile needs to be surgically removed. Show is unfairly maligned by a certain segment of the wrestling
fandom, by the way. Taker pauses, either because he's REALLY angry - or he forgot his
lines. SATURN'S ASS LOOKS JUST LIKE CHYNA'S Thursday, I turn thirty. It may be time to either reevaluate my
life and decide what I REALLY want to do....or just party down and
get really, really drunk. I think you and I probably know what I'm
going to do. Backstage, Spike and Molly make happy kissy faces. It's Regal and Tajiri - Tajiri is bouncing more than one of those
thirsty birds. McMahon and Regal spontaneously break into a "knowing nods"
contest. "Come on, Molly, let's go somewhere more private." I think he
also added "You with the camera...follow us!" WWF INTERKANETINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: KANE v. X-PACTOR (with Justin
Credible & Justin Otherguy) - Champ enters first because he
doesn't have a cool Unkle Krakker song. Cole actually remembers that these two have quite a
history...then balances that insightful observation by saying that
Taker "just sat through another of those videos" despite the fact
that he's outside the building and presumably away from all
monitors. "Finally, we're alone." I guess they don't see the dude with the
camera. Our hosts proclaim Taker "an emotional wreck." Cole says this is
no longer about sports entertainment - is that irony? From Earlier Tonight, Jeff Hardy wins the light heavyweight
championship - and we NEVER see Jerry Lynn again Jericho off the ropes with the Lionsault - it hits the knees but
that's not in our storyline so let Jericho cover for the 1, 2, 3.
(2:42) TONIGHT: The Hollys and the Dudleyz COLLIDE! What do you MEAN
you've seen it before? C'mon, you LOVE watching Molly go through
tables! Besides, there'll also be two KOR Qualifiers if you don't
like that. COME ON! Opening Credits - funny they've kept Shane in there, isn't it?
But once again the music interrupts - it's "(Oh oh) WrestleMania"
and that can only mean OH BOY! Some NEW BLOOD to liven up this
segment - or LINDA McMAHON - take your choice. I went back and checked - Linda tugs on her jacket somewhere
around *31* times. That woman needs to find something else to do
with her hands while she addresses the nation! Footage of Albert tossing Eddie Guerrero out of the ring and
Guerrero clutching his knee is offered by way of writing Eddie out
of things for a while - he's gonna "be away several weeks to take
care of his issues - including his knee." And just when his angle
was getting good, too, right? Poor Eddie - hope he gets well.
When we come back, Trish Stratus catches up to Steve Blackman,
who is wielding his mighty kendo dick - stick. Kendo stick. Well it's a big whip into the ropes, well it's a big boot. Well
it's a big elbowdrop. You know what? I STILL find this riff funny,
so screw the lot of you. Wow, maybe this *is* continuity - like, if Kane actually FALLS
for this and drops the dime on Angle to his brother, it'd prove that
he's STILL *retarded* That's five men down and Molly on the apron looking concerned -
but wait...here comes Spike back into the ring, to his feet - smiles
around - grabbing hands - HIYO! Ross: "Just like Brad Pitt and
what's her name!" Wait, so Ross remembers the name of the GUY?
Quick, take me to the break Benoit perches on top - he should leap onto Austin, but I doubt
that's gonna happen....instead, he looks back to Angle - and decides
"well, if I did it on Thunder for NO viewers, I might as well bust
it out for the overrun of the War Zone, too" - OH YEAH, SWANDIVE
HEADBUTT FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE!! Again Benoit slowly crawls to the door...but Austin slams the
door! Apparently, the ringing sound was really close to his ears,
because Benoit falls backwards to the mat. Whoa, seems like a short ad break as we quickly hit the RC Cola
Rewind! From Monday, Spike and Molly get all gooshy WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: MATT HARDY (with Lita) v. K-KWIK
GETTIN' ROWDY - tut tut, looks like rain, and Kwik is demonstrating
the haute couture that one can only create when the raincoat of
choice is of the clear plastic variety. Wow, it's sure been a while
since I had to endure me some "Gettin' Rowdy," haanit? At this point, Austin comes in - Tajiri craps his pants and
cowers. Tajiri goes back to his own special ecstasy. Oh, well here comes the sound and video of wCw - and here come
the money as SHANE O MAC comes out to remind us that white men can't
dance Backstage, Austin gets Howard Finkel's signature - as well as a
free rub of his noggin. I don't know, I think that match probably SUCKED because there
was no GREEN MIST. No, wait, that match RULED and YOU suck. So why DID they replace the throne with an electric chair?
('cause it looks cool?) Oh. (The kidz dig it - trust me) Here's a Special Video Look at the Stalker's videos, edited for
your protection - why OF COURSE that butt shot is last - gotta keep
you interested! What would UNCLE BEN know about MACARONI AND CHEESE? He's a RICE
man, for crying out loud! "Well take a look, big mouth - that's not the Undertaker!" Wow,
THIS guy has the power to get those steps moved out of the way as
well! Umm... well.... I don't think the crowd was *silent* because they
were *hanging on Page's every word,* if you catch my drift. Ross: "I don't really care for your opinion, because you're gonna
kiss Austin's butt." Geez, THERE'S a switch, huh? When we come back, we focus on the neatly manicured hands of
Molly Holly and Spike Dudley (okay, I didn't really check out
Spike's nails) She grudgingly accepts, then they smooch - "for good luck," says
Molly. OH MY GOD WHAT IF WE LEARN THEY'RE REALLY TWIN BROTHER AND
SISTER IN THE THIRD MOVIE Buffy is coming to UPN! WHO CARES? Sarah Michelle Gellar looks
like she ran into a wall and her nose STAYED that way Backstage, Sara is still providing her best faux-Miss Elizabeth
face, while Taker abuses the local machinery. Coming back to the arena, Regal attempts to talk to Saturn while
Terri examines her nipples (or something) Hot DAMN. That was some old school "hardcore," and that worked
like GANGBUSTERS for me. That was Vader taking out Gorilla Monsoon
hardcore - that was Yokozuna draping Hacksaw Jim Duggan in the
American flag and giving him a fifth Banzai drop hardcore - that was
IRS ripping up Tatanka's headdress and then destroying Chief Jay
Strongbow hardcore. AND that worked *just* as much because of Cole
as Austin. AND you couldn't have done this with Tazz in the
building, so the timing was perfect. Everything about this RULED.
THIS is the sort of thing that can keep a "hardcore" wrestling fan
for MONTHS. Totally awesome and unbelievable, and if you didn't like
this....well, I don't know what you're waiting for when you watch
this show - well, I *do*, but you could be probably be watching
Cinemax or "Wild on E!" and be happier, I think. LOOK! There's a "You're Welcome!" sign! NOW can we proclaim him
"over" and move on? Heyman offers all that mop needs is two balloons to look just
like Terri. Play Saturn's music 'cause he's got a MOP! Hmm, does Kane hang around at his brother's house with that mask
on, you think? This return match was apparently booked because people who *paid*
to see this match *last* night are *idiots.* X-Pac with a backslide and the feet on the ropes - of COURSE
"Blind" Mike Chioda is gonna MISS that - he's no *Jack Doan,*
people! 1, 2, 3! Regal and Tajiri are WALKING! Tajiri is carrying a Stanley
Cup-esque King of the Ring trophy - which is apparently pretty
heavy. What, no crown, cape and scepter combo? A TROPHY? What is
this, FREAKIN' JAPAN? Ross repeats "Bitchcakes" and doesn't get bleeped - Heyman
repeats it and does - ANTI-SEMITISM AT ITS WORST Q: How can you tell the Dudz are heelz? A: Bubba Ray isn't
wearing the title around his neck. Lita just CHEATED TO LOSE! Listening to Shane's music, do you get the impression like I do,
that Shane REALLY wanted to be Ted DiBiase when he was growing up?
GARDEN CLASSICS: from 1985 - it all kicked off with the first
WrestleMania - gee, I wonder if they'll show WWF Champion SID
tonight Why yes, Regal's faces ARE twice as funny when they're covered in
green mist. Right! Right! DOWN GOES VINCE! T picks up Vince - gutshot - Vince
doesn't know where/how to stand, but T will find a way to hit that
AXE KICK anyway. Christian does his Kurt Angle impersonation with the King of the
Ring trophy - or is it his Ray Bourque impersonation? Hmm, somebody should have taught Kane how to take a Diamond
Cutter. Well, at least he knows how to SELL a Diamond Cutter...he
ain't gettin' up. Hey, Lita is in - there's a Cheatingcanrana on Bubba Ray! You wanna talk about "disgracing the Holly name," Crash hasn't
USED the Holly name for the better part of a YEAR! Awww, Spike & Molly come out arm in arm. Cole compares these
two to Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston - I wonder, how wise is it
to mention a "Friends" star on a competing show? This just in from the official slashwrestling.com scorer - number
of times the words "tough enough" were used in this segment: 7
To the commissioner's office - in addition to his previous
accouterments, Regal now outfits the place with a suit of armour...
as well as a fresh picture of Margaret Thatcher. The sentence
previous is probably the fuhst time in YAHRS that the word "fresh"
and the name "Margaret Thatcher" have been used in close
conjunction. The only problem I see with all this exposition is that they may
very well be getting over Saturn's mop better than they're getting
over Saturn...naah, surely I'm going too far with that critique. (Am
I?) Hotty off the ropes with the bulldog - yup - W - O - R - M - and
so on - hoo hoo hoo hiYA - 1, 2, 3. Welcome back, Scotty! (4:23)
Wow, lookit that Scotty 2 Hotty -he's impish and mischevious MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN hits the ring for our main
event......promo....thing. SHANE O. MAC is out - all three men in the ring turn to look at
him. "Now let me get this straight - we have an Olympic Gold
Medalist and a WWF Champion competing for hugs? (Ross laughs to let
you know this is FUNNY) Shane likes Sesame Street so much, let's sing! "One of these
things is not like the other / Which one is different, do you know /
Can you tell me which one is not like the other / Now before I
finish my song." Your four corners of the screen show: Vince
McMahon, Steve Austin, Kurt Angle, and.....Shane McMahon.
Understand? Oh oh, here's one of the warning signs: EVERYBODY in the crowd is
standing up, anticipating the run-in. That's NOT good. Wow, with all this jobbing Page should be pretty much worthless
by the time the PPV comes around - the crowd may dig it, but I'm
starting to not see how this can end up better for Page financially
than taking the Time/Warner cheques and sitting at home. On yet
another hand, jobbing to Taker doesn't automatically mean you have
no hope of a push against a "lesser" opponent, right? On the OTHER
hand, didn't they just protect...ALBERT? So wouldn't this put Page
BELOW Albert on the food chain here? Ohhhhh my head hurts, let's
figure it out later Wow, look, it's Torrie Wilson and her breasts - and all of them
are WALKING! Meanwhile, X-Pac is caressing the title belt as if it were his
prized teddy bear Bobo. Okay, I think I've seen that naked green M&M enough times
tonight Hudson proudly opens his blazer to show off the free T-shirt he
got for working tonight. WOW SOMEBODY FINALLY SAID "WCW SUPERSTARS!" (I bet it was an
accident) Keibler ain't no Mike McGuirk, that's for DAMN sure. Hudson proclaims Linda McMahon "beautiful, talented and
intelligent" - does his *wife* know he's saying things like that?
Hudson refers to Shane's "beautiful mother, Linda" - as opposed
to his ugly mother, one presumes Bagwell holds him for Austin. Angle keeps Patrick at bay while
everybody heads up the ramp...and backstage. Wow, they sure blew
THAT, didn't they? Is it too early to throw in the towel on WCW? I mean, all tonight
did was remind me how much I was dreading watching WCW in its dying
days, for crying out loud! I guess in hindsight we can all say "Gee! Putting on a WCW match
in front of a WWF crowd - and we would actually have to WONDER why
they would be BORED and BOO?" WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO & SPIKE
DAMN DUDLEY v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW)
- well, on one hand Jericho beat the champs by himself, so he should
have no problems teaming with Spike - on the other hand, Spike
couldn't beat the champs teaming with Kane, so how can he win
teaming with Jericho? Gawrsh, I guess it IS an "any given night"
kinda thing. To the Fun Room, where Vince paces about in his cabana shirt -
yes, he's wearing pants. Earlier Tonight, Earl Hebner told Nick Patrick to keep his crappy
shirts on his side. Things degenerated to...get this...a shoving
match. Say, who holds back the referees when REFEREES fight?
Hebner's got a point about their shirts, though... I'm awaiting word from the slashwrestling.com official scorer...
Number of times "Tough Enough" said during this segment: 8 MR. McMAHON (with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box) hits the ring - OH
THANK GOD. WOW CAN YOU *IMAGINE* THE *WRESTLING MATCHES* THAT WILL COME OUT
OF THIS...ohhhh actually no I won't even BEGIN to explain how THIS match came about (mostly
'cause I can't) - something about Gunn and Show believing everyone's
against them ... and they're right! The Midcarders have assembled. Saturn is enjoying sitting 'pon the lap of ring announcer HOWARD
FINKEL - Fink enjoying it not NEARLY as much, it should be
noted. Saturn appreciates the worm - Terri does everything but say "BAD
SATURN" QUICK QUOTE: WWF 14.65 (+ .64, last year: 21) - by the way,
SportsLine hit an all-time low yesterday at 1.80 - HAW HAW HAW
We take the replays of Shane swinging the stick (and managing to
hang onto it this time, too!), Sara swinging the stick...and that
Diamond Cutter. Sara sells it about a MILLION times better than Kane
- plus, being barefoot, gets all those wacky fetishists nice and
hard at the same time, too! In the black locker room, Booker T limbers up - no, see, the
LOCKERS are black - is it always about race with you? Sheesh.
Although I must admit it makes Kurt Angle look even MORE white when
he walks in. It's four on two as the WCW guys team up with the ECW guys to
take out Jericho and Kane... Here comes the WWF LOCKER ROOM -
tonight I see Tazz, the Dudley Boyz, Justin Credible... wait a
minute - Raven, Rhyno...oh no....oh no. "Staredown" in the ring as
Paul gets jolly. Hey, it's not too late to buy "ecwdudleyboyz.com" - or you think
they'll just keep WWFDudleyBoyz.com up forever and you and I can
laugh at them? Why did Mike Awesome, an ECW guy, work so hard to
steal the WWF Hardcore title from another ECW guy? What would have
happened if the Dudleyz had managed to RETAIN the titles tonight?
You think they seriously had THIS in store a week ago at this time?
Ross is alone when we come back. How long has Heyman been
planning this assault, he asks? About five days and/or ever since he
was brought into the WWF, I cynically think to myself... Did ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA just say "Chris Kanyon, Chuck
O'Haire" and then completely give up on introductions? And she
started out with such promise, actually saying "20 man tag." All eleven men now sport ECF'nW T-shirts (presumably purchased
off the rack at a Philadelphia Goodwill) except Heyman, who still
has his jacket on over HIS shirt. Half of the guys go outside to beat on the WWF guys while the
other half stay in the ring to watch...Shane and Paul embrace. I
have to tell you, even seeing it coming...it sends chills down my
spine. I just don't know which KIND of chills yet. FOLLOW-UP: VERY shortly after the RAW report came up, the domain
name "ecwdudleyboyz.com" WAS registered....by "WCW, Inc." I can only
hope that my cheque is in the mail. Man, I'd LOVE to take "credit"
for "breaking" this "story" - only 1Bob reported it on *Thursday* as
if nobody'd noticed it up until then, so I guess I can't. Meanwhile,
in other domain news, Joey Styles finally decided to renew
"ecwwrestling.com," just in case it turned out somebody would be
interested in paying him big bucks for it. This happened - get this
- *Thursday*. The final piece of the puzzle comes when you try to
put "www.ecwwrestling.com" into your web browser...and get directed
to ANOTHER site co-owned by Styles. I'll spare you finding out for
yourself that that site...is none other than... 1wrestling.com. I'm
Paul Harvey... ...goodDAY! "...give it up everybody on your feet for my sister STEPHANIE
McMAHON-HELMSLEY, the new owner of ECW!" And as "This is Extreme"
plays, here they are - God, if we ever find out he's bonking her
it'll be official - Russo *is* back. Cole confuses me by saying "...my nephew, who calls Tazz 'Uncle
Tazz,' asking me why did Tazz do what he did, why won't he return
Daddy's phone calls?" So is he a child or a nephew? Oh well. Yikes - would YOU book the first match between the Thrillseekers
to go three minutes? That's why YOU'RE *watching* instead of
*booking*, I suppose And now, because we've apparently had JUST TOO DAMN MUCH
WRESTLING THIS SHOW... Replay of the finish - I think I'm starting to get it...if you're
"ECW by way of the WWF" you get the fall, if you're "ECW by way of
the WCW" you submit to the Walls of Jericho. Whaddaya think? We look back to the Hardyz - Matt is clapping like a trained seal
(whipped...whipped). OH MAN these punches are SO bad they actually pull the "broken
camera" trick just to fade out of this segment I think we've GOTTA have a SPECIAL referee for a Hebner/Patrick
match, right? Let's see...how about.... Kirby Puckett Ross: "I just never pictured Jeff Hardy as the hardcore title." I
dunno, they KINDA look alike... To make it even worse, Ross lays it on SUPER thick - we NEED the
Old Rattlesnake! We NEED the old Stone Cold! Pardon ME, Ross, but
honestly - would the Old Stone Cold GIVE a flying FUCK about ANY of
these people? "What must be going through the mind...of the Texas Rattlesnake?"
Looks like BEER to me, Ross... KURT ANGLE STEALS CHRIS JERICHO'S GIMMICK: FILM AT ELEVEN Criminy! Who thought it was a good idea for the GIRL SCOUTS to
advertise during this show?!? Tajiri immediately starts doing an Akira Fukuzawa impersonation
(ha, I bet you didn't think I'd pull THAT comparison out of my ass!)
Play Tajiri's music! Here's a replay of the kick, since, as the
DVDVR folks say, that AAA'd it when it was live, opting to focus on
Regal's facial expression instead. Question: How can you tell T is the heel? Answer: New stubble
Ross: "I never thought much of a champion that wears an earring,
but..." CRIMINY, WHAT AN OLD FOGEY. You know, I've been thinking about it - if Austin DOESN'T do what
Vince wants....well, doesn't that mean the old Stone Cold Steve
Austin IS back? I mean, that's "anti-authority," right? D-Von fights it long enough for ROB van DAM to run out and
provide enough leverage for D-Von to get the pin (4:38) and I must
say it takes a truly HEROIC effort for Chioda to *completely* miss
his presence. The APA react to this from their sofa (SOFA?!? They couldn't put
a monitor in their office?) So wait - they SOLD their STOCK? And they're still on TV? ...
Does this make YOUR head hurt, too? I'm not exactly sure why they've scheduled this match, but WOW
LOOKIT TERRI'S WEDGIE. This match is a car wreck and I can't turn away! Back to the ring - lookit Paul point. Ha ha ha, Paul's so funny.
I wonder if we'll ever get a bell to this match? Punches all around - when Austin throws punches, they're like
grenades - down you go, down you go, down you go, KICK WHAM STUNNER
for O'Haire, KICK WHAM STUNNER for Tazz, KICK WHAM STUNNER Bubba
Ray, KICK WHAM STUNNER D-Von, KICK WHAM STUNNER Palumbo, KICK WHAM
STUNNER Kanyon (now THAT man can sell!), Dreamer's all "do me! do
me!" so KICK WHAM STUNNER Dreamer, and Kidman and Guerrero get a
double chokeslam from the Fun Brothers. Play Austin's music! Why
hasn't Ross lost his voice yet? Maybe THURSDAY they'll explain to us how the winner of the
Inaugural Brawl can CHANGE THE FACE OF SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT AS WE
KNOW IT BY GOD Maybe then we'll find out ... JUST WHICH SIDE....
JERRY LYNN IS ON When Jim Ross says "dangerous Coalition," did anyone else think
"wow, that's close to....Dangerous *Alliance*?" "Death to sports entertainment! Death to the W - W - F!" Gosh,
I'd be down with that if not for two things: 1) I kinda LIKE sports
entertainment - in moderation and 2) everything Paul says just rings
so HOLLOW anyway Oh man, what happened to Tony Chimel's HAIR? If I forgot to make anything out of the fact that there's more
ECW (WWF) guys than WCW guys on the W/ECW side of the match
Sunday....well, just pretend I did. Or that there's nothing to make
out of it, I'm not sure. All right! Hot babes on "Enterprise!" THAT'LL bring in the key
nerd demographic! Here's a look at a giant Budweiser billboard - I mean, the
exterior of the FleetCenter. Tajiri does his dance of joy, then picks up the phone and calls
somebody, no wait, that's just part of his dance. HOLY SHIT LA MAGISTRAL BY BRADSHAW 1, 2, OHHHHHH he kicked out.
Bradshaw's my new favourite wrestler! Let Us Take You Back to Yesterday and scenes from the great big
Lita video premiere party - aka "people stand in line to pay money
for an autographed video while Lita looks SCAAAAARY" - must be the
makeup But don't worry - those of you who aren't into wrestling may
enjoy the SPANKING match between Trish Stratus and Torrie Wilson!
Why is it called a SPANKING match? Oh, man, that's TOO EASY. Commentators tell us that Austin has taken the title outside the
company - we can only wonder how he gets this television time, but
perhaps Stephanie will explain it to us. Perhaps I'll win the Lotto
as well. "Chant all you want...you will not be able to stop the WWF from
dying a slow and painful death." This is a slow and painful promo
The four head back up the ramp, while Angle stands in the ring
looking intense (and probably also intelligent and...integral).
Hey! Is that the Goldberg monster truck in that "Rat Race" ad?
GOOOOOOOOLD BERRRRRRRRG GOOOOOOOOOLD BERRRRRRRRRRG Hey whatever
happened to that guy? Damn, thank Scott Keith in your autobiography
ONCE and next thing you know, you're all the way down the highway to
obscurity Cole tries to talk about Angle, but Ross steers it back to van
Dam - depending on whether or not you like Ross, you can argue
either (1) Ross is great for putting the focus back on the match, or
(2) Ross is such a suck-up to Austin that he's not gonna spend ANY
time trying to put Angle over. Heck, it may be a little of
each. Hardy right, right, van Dam right, Hardy right, right, right,
causing van Dam to climb up the ladder...oh, I mean Hardy hiptossing
him over the ladder to the ring! ("He just exposed the business!")
Oh man, don't tell me YOU don't like RVD either - come on. ("Naw,
I'm more of a 'spot style' bashing smarky smark smark.") Oh, okay.
Now I don't want to ruin this match for you, but you've probably
noticed that the referee is Nick Patrick. Just put it out of your
mind, Bunky. Wow, for a minute there I thought Stacy's head was gonna fall off
from all that vigorous nodding! Soupbone! Soupbone! If you had "Soupbone!" YOU WON! Lemme tell
you a story about a man named Soupbone! CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. CHRIS KANYON - But first, this Y2J chant.
"Even though Chris Kanyon claims that last night, he was the most
valuable player, as far as Y2J is concerned, tonight he has proven
to be the most annoying assclown..." (pause for assclown pop)
Hey, what's worse, Vince hitting all of Rock's catchprases...or
ROCK hitting all of Rock's catchphrases? Meanwhile, Torrie Wilson catches up to Jeff Hardy, who is busy
dumping seven or eight sugar packets into his coffee (THAT explains
a LOT) Hardy stares at the paddle...I think he's staring at the paddle.
Here's Trish in the frame. "What's this?" "Trish...she's got a
paddle." Hardy pulls her off before she can do any more damage. "You'll
pay for that, Trish!" Come on, Jeff, at least LOOK like you ENJOY
holding her back! Trish runs into a drop toehold - well, they don't connect but the
IDEA was there, at least D-Von covers - ha ha, who had D-Von in the "first guy to forget
there are no pinfalls in this match" pool? Bubba Ray takes Edge's head to the STEEL steps - why not put him
through a table now? Because there's ten minutes left in the show, I
suppose. Say, why hasn't Vince/Linda/the WWF board of directors stripped
Austin of the WWF Championship by now, if he's taken it out of the
company? Back outside in time to catch Lita with one of her "I want to
die" 'ranas off the steps onto Kidman. She's CHEATING TO WIN!
Replay of Lita's totally illegal 'rana ("she is extraordinary" -
Ross) and the totally illegal swantonbomb. Man, the Hardyz SUCK.
Oh BOY! Here come STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT, SHANE CAN'T DANCE &
IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL to kill Segment Two. OH GOD HER HAND IS STUCK TO HER HIP AGAIN Hmm, strange that the big gold belt doesn't have a BOOKER T.
nameplate on it anymore...got a blank one there instead. I'm sure
that means nothing. Yeah. Cole promises "a treat" later tonight - Mr. McMahon's plea to the
Rock. This is some new definition of "treat" of which I was not
previously aware. Tag to Bubba Ray - Cole channels Ross by saying "Bubba Ray Dudley
tags in brother D-Von" - I mean, it's great for our world if you
can't tell the BLACK guy from the WHITE guy, I guess, but... DDP (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. KANE (with Transmitido En
Espanol SAP) - Referee is Nick Patrick, so I think I'll just lay out
until the screwjob. Whaddaya say? If Patrick is an "Alliance referee," what's with the "WCW shirt?"
Of course, Patrick made the only call he could this time, but
don't let that stop your sense of Rossian righteous indignation and
outrage...especially if you're Ross! The WWF Fanatic Series presentation for July is "WWF Hardcore!"
Don't let the fact that an ECW guy is hosting it sway you from
ordering "WWF Hardcore!" Gosh, Storm is an ANGRY young man, though. Here come de money - and here come SHANE O. MAC to reprazent to
his peeps, yo. Shane be down wit da homiez, so tip ya 40 - word.
"This message goes out to the hottest free agent in sports
entertainment history. This message goes out to the Rock." Wow, I
thought he'd mention Goldberg FOR SURE! Here's a Special Video Montage of Vince screwing the Rock, saying
a lot of bad things, and No Chance in Hell, and so on. Okay, it's
not a bad set of clips, actually, I'm just REALLY LAZY Woof woof. KEEP IT REAL, SHIZZO, YOU KNOW THE DIZZO, BOB'n'WEAVE
'CAUSE YOU SOOOOOOOO PRETTY HOLY COW, AN ALLIANCE OFFICIAL CALLS IT SQUARE - of course, the
commentators didn't notice. Come to think of it, they also NEVER
mentioned that Rhyno and E&C used to be good mates. I dare say T is starting to get into heeling it up once again.
(Must you so dare?) Dare I dare, forsooth. Und so weit. (Oh, shut
up.) T with *the Harlem sidekick* right on the button - leg is hooked
- 1, 2, SHOULDER UP! T is about ready to SHIT. Austin's face registers abject shock as a triumphant Angle,
barely able to stand, leans in a corner and holds the forty pounds
of gold high overhead. And in this moment on this night, there are
no fans left seated in THIS arena. I hope...at least in
spirit...you're standing too. P.S. He may not be Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Kevin
Nash, Big Show, Bret Hart or Sid Vicious...but he IS Kurt
Angle...and thank God for that. Stay away, Rock. We don't need ya.
We got Kurt. LAST WEEK: Blah blah blah - well it IS kinda neat to see them
sync up Rock's mouth with Vince and Shane's words "Number two, the most electrifying man...in sports entertainment
today, the Rock, the Rock will come join the Alliance." Funny that
he'd associate "the Rock" and "number two," but... We can only wonder why Security doesn't escort any non-WWF people
out. (What about the ratings?) Oh...well. Yikes, Angle needs to exercise some neck control - he's a human
Bobble Head doll out there. Long: "Thirty seconds!" Hmm, I predict it'll be over in thirty
seconds. Helms pops up (from Hardy's finish - bad show), and rolls up
Hardy with the small package - 1, 2, 3. (3:25) Hey, that was
FORTY-TWO seconds. WCW CHAMPIONSHIP: KURT ANGLE v. NAPPY T (with Shane Can't Dance)
with no disqualifications - Champ enters first because that's all
the rage these days. Hey, look! It's the Spectrum's statue of Rocky! Hey, look! We pan
down to see a real, live Rocky! And - YES! - HE CAN STILL DO THAT
THING WITH HIS EYEBROW! THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. FUN BROTHERS (with Mrs. Taker) in a tables
match - Keep in mind, this isn't a "tag team table match," so the
first guy (not team) to go through determines the fall. It's fine
distinctions like this that make me the GREATEST RECAPPER ALIVE. I
think. MR. McMAHON heads to the ring for our.....main event. Right
behind are SHANE CAN'T DANCE & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT, making a big
rhythmic show of their SENSUAL saunter down the aisle. Man, in three
minutes I can change channels and watch a rerun of "the Simpsons!"
One corner for the Rock. Two corners for the Rock. Crowd likes
Rock a heck of a lot more than I do. "Well hang on a second - quite frankly, Rock.... ["Rock E!"] I
must admit, Shane's view of the facts are somewhat distorted, yet at
the same time somewhat accurate. I've made a lot of really good
business decisions in the past...and I've made some that were bad
decisions. [Voice in crowd: "THE X F L"] THE ROCK RETURNS: No, this recap *isn't* later, even later than
usual because I'm doing some form of protesting - keep your
conspiracy theories to yourself, bunky. Oh boy, three minutes of
ROCK ROCK ROCK - or as I like to say, FUHFUHWID KURT ANGLE leads us off! Remember him? You know, the guy with the
Gold Medals 'round his neck and no hair. Funny looking guy - there
you go. Commentators shill "Roswell" - man, you'd never DREAM that Tazz
and Cole were on different sides listening to them swap witty banter
thanks to the fine folks at UPN. Fortunately, we go to ad break before he sticks the photo down
his pants... The end result is I'm sad that I know I can immediately write off
a match if I see Patrick in there. Maybe they'll do something about
that....maybe. (Hebner/Patrick II should NOT be the answer.) OH MAN I'VE MISSED THE ROCK MAKING LISTS OH MAN TWO LISTS IN ONE PROMO ROCK E ROCK E ROCK E *cough*
*cough* *sputter* ahem. I'm better now. We are saved by NAPPY T.
Bar that door for me, Kate, we got us a Pier Six here. Amazingly,
and by "amazingly," I mean "every time this happens at the start of
a WWF match," the ring quickly clears of all but two
participants... Austin fingers one of Debra's cookies...no, no, DAMN you have a
sick mind sometimes. Jeff Jarrett's music plays...but alas, it's only MRS. AUSTIN -
strange that she gets WWF chyron and a WWF website plug despite
being part of the Alliance (and despite the W/ECW logos in the
centre of the Time Tunnel). Hey Debra's wearing one o' them pornstar belts. HEY WOW, it's the "Big Cat" Ernie Ladd lookalike contest winner
there! LANCE STORM v. KURT ANGLE in a (I guess) nontitle match - No
title graphics, so I guess it's for PRAHD. Man, doesn't "Rat Race" look like it either belongs back in the
1970s or airing on ABC...in the 1970s? "SummerSlam is coming" - and Drowning Pool has already come and
GONE Taker - Taker with a JUJIGATAME? That sure LOOKS like a cross
armbreaker from the Dead Man - who knew? AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, A SEVEN WORD REVIEW OF THE SEASON
PREMIERE OF "MANHUNT:" Eh. HEY was that American Gladiator ZAP?
Q: How can you tell the WWF stock price is at a 52-week low? A:
Costs cut by using Kane's entrance in lieu of show opening
pyro. I will NEVER get tired of people hitting van Dam in mid pose.
Earlier Today, the all-seeing cameras of the WWF caught up with
Booker T at Paramount Pictures...in person to audition for a movie.
The woman with the forms busts out "It doesn't MATTER what your name
is" and they've already lost me. Oops, somebody missed their cue, as we come back to a silent
arena - see, the CROWD thought that was *hilarious* too - look at
'em holding their sides! They're BUSTING GUTS LAUGHING, I TELL YA!
Oh man, even better - STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT has been married to
Drowning Pool for a brand new prolonged agony-- I mean entrance.
Paul Heyman proclaims "Sinner" the "hottest album today." And if
you can't trust a fat, bald, white dude who lives with his parents
to tell you what's cool, who CAN you trust? "As a matter of fact, there is only one word that accurately
describes my brother (Shane). Shane is a GLADIATOR! Shane is a
gladiator in every sense of the word - it doesn't matter what the
odds...Shane McMahon always comes out on top! Shane--" And here's
the Y2J countdown, about five minutes too late. I wonder what Mike
Awesome thinks of that Gladiator stuff? If Shane were to star in a
movie, would it be a gladiator movie? Does Shane like gladiator
movies? How many more questions can I sneak in before CHRIS MONDAY
JERICHO starts speaking? One more? Yes. Here come TWO GUYS IN PLANET OF THE APES COSTUMES to Kamala's old
theme (insert your own racist accusations about Kamala and apes
here). I'm sure that this shot of Stephanie covered in pie is supposed
to be reminiscient of THE EXTREME CUMSHOT OF THE CENTURY since
everybody's all IN LUV with Stephanie and all, and it'll probably go
over big with the 14's and 15's, but me - I could have done without
this entire bit. I mean, for crying out loud, they spent ELEVEN
MINUTES building to...a pie take. Wow, think of the possibilities of
the EXCITING WRESTLING MATCHES this sets up! Stephanie vs. an ape!
It could very well *headline Unforgiven!* Stacy comes out to something that sounds like the theme to every
Bowflex commercial you've ever been subjected to. Man, them's some
UGLY shoes to wrestling in. Now, NOTHING can be served by me actually attempting to CALL this
match, but here we go. Ivory in the ring....high tens all around! WOW SHE CAME BACK JUST
IN TIME FOR THE SHOCKING SWERVE!! Ivory joins the Alliance - for
some reason, my mind instantly flashes back to Brian Adams joining
the NWO. THAT kind of IMPACT. Of course, people we haven't seen in
ages suddenly reappearing, only to "turn" mere seconds later reminds
me more of some OTHER booker.....gosh, who WAS that guy... Wow, this first forty minutes has been a real buzzkiller. It's
like a glimpse through the window into the world of wrestling where
everything SUCKS. Strangely enough, the official for this match is Charles
Robinson, despite the fact that there's no Alliance folks in this
match that I'm aware of, and only the WWF belt is on the line. So
Robinson would be there because..........yeah. It's just that kind
of NIGHT, folks. Tajiri tries to get the fans to applaud the athleticism...and
almost succeeds! [Booker T auditioning for a movie role sketch] I wonder if this
is how New Jack's auditions usually went. "You could play Denzel's
FRIEND!" Since Nick Patrick is the ref, and since I'm in a generally
protesting type of mood, I see no need to call this action until the
inevitable screwjob, but I WILL note that Storm's dropkick almost
lands ABOVE Christian's head so he definitely needs to watch that.
Austin has yet another new piece of music...I guess we'll just
change it weekly so as to keep the fans from having to be conflicted
about reacting to it in a positive way. Ross wonders why White doesn't disqualify him - I'm gonna go out
on a limb and say Austin is booked to win this match, that's why.
I think Paul referred to this bit [brawling through the crowd] as
"an ECW specialty" like this is a GOOD thing. ROCK BOTTOM! 1, 2, 3! Alert the media: Shane actually jobs!
(8:49) T trying to help up Shane...hmm, Hebner just whispered "kick the
Rock some more" to him, I think, since now he's back to stomping on
the Rock until the War Zone credits are up - WWF logo and we're out.
Remember, for the love of God - PLEASE - let the bodies hit the
floor. General shouting, rah rah mirth and merriment Test tells them (and the world) that if you mess with him, you're
gonna eat his boot. But tonight's not aboot that, it's aboot
celebrating...and he's gonna get them a table at the Viper Room.
Gosh I hope nobody KILLS themselves. YIKES - FORMER WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION DAVID ARQUETTE is
in the crowd! Perhaps wisely, nobody mentions he's a former
champion... Did you know that van Dam isn't contractually obligated to do the
job until AT LEAST August, 2003? Why would I make that up? Did I mention Austin's wearing a WCW shirt? Well, what did you
WANT me to do, figure out what the heck just happened between
Palumbo, O'Haire and Austin or what it meant? NAPPY T & SHANE CAN'T DANCE are out...this entrance is
transmitido en espanol SAP, by the way. Hey, guess who speaks first?
That's right! The WHITE guy. Chimel says this match is for the "WCW tag team champions" but I
think he meant something else. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new WCW tag team champions - and
that SummerSlam match probably just became a unification bout.
(4:48) I wonder what Totally Buffed think of all this. The RC cola rewind is Jericho putting a pie in Stephanie's face
as two members of the Planet of the Apes watch - yuk yuk yuk In a
dressing room, Hugh Morrus and Stephanie have a shouting contest.
Then Morrus attempts to clue us in to what his "WWF personality" is
gonna be like by adding, "Hey, how do you think he made those
monkeys do that, anyway?" Tag to Jeff SQUEEEEEAL hey Jeff take your damn baseball cap off,
this ain't a BARN, doubleteam in the corner... ...into the opposite corner but Jeff jumps to the top rope and
flies off with the Gay in the Gay, knocking down Dudley! Dear Jesus, let there PLEASE be an "American Pie" movie made
EVERY year so I can spend at least one month out of every year
watching "American Pie" ads Don't know how much time has passed, but Bubba Ray is going up
for the SENTON THAT NEVER, EVER LANDS - and....get ready...he
MISSES! Hmmm...I'd'a called it a DQ, but I guess we'll call it (No
contest 5:43 + 7:23) - my cutoff point was the Pillmaniser. Hmmm,
strange that I would say that so many times on the night of the
Pillman Memorial. Or WAS it all that strange? I was a lot more gung-ho about this show back in May for some
reason. Maybe I slipped out of the demographic or somethin'. "Oh, ah, before I get on with these three guys, I know you got
the Austin 3:16 shirt on, but you ain't even had a stupid match yet!
I seen you in the back, carryin' guys' water and coffee. 'Can I get
you a water? Can I get you a coffee? Can I get you a protein bar?'
Can I get you to grow a damn backbone and be somebody?" Dreamer
hangs his head in shame. Thanks for coming out tonight, Tommy!
They leave Tazz in the ring as they get set to leave...and we
raise a glass, having kissed another 21 minutes goodbye. How come that guy's playing "Flashdance...What a Feeling" to that
runner now instead of "Eye of the Tiger?" Say, that reminds me -
have I told you about Irene Cara trying to SUE me? Storm eats a superkick, Credible gets a gutshot and Buzzkill (or,
as Ross says, "What a DDT!" - because there's no better way to show
you CARE than to LEARN THE NAME OF THE FINISHER) and secures the 1,
2, 3. (2:31) "Theme from a Lowering Cage" plays... Palumbo has bladed? Those be some mean soupbones, ah suppose.
Either that or Taker's pissed Palumbo didn't say "hi" to him earlier
in the day and IT'Z A SHOOT, MAAAAAAAAAAAN Stephanie is wearing a flower patten in camoflauge colours -
which is strange, but camoflauge is usually used to make things
DISAPPEAR, if you catch my drift. We take a split-screen with BEFORE and AFTER helpfully labelling
the sides to let us know we're supposed to be staring at her rack,
then comparing and contrasting. A lot of people will look at this
and say TOLD YOU TOLD YOU but damn, *that's what they WANT you to
think.* Come on. It's a *wardrobe* thing, not a *surgery* thing.
Anyway, that aside isn't gonna match the storyline, so I should just
stop now. At THIS point, we take the unlikely turn of NAPPY T's music
starting up...and the Champ walks right by Jericho, into the ring.
Hopefully he's out to put a stop to all this crappy sports
entertainment I'm being forced to endure...but I doubt it. That's it, I'm outta here. "Meep meep." Everything from here on
in is keyed in under protest. SummerSlam ad in the local slot suggests we could still hit up
TicketMaster if we wanted to see SummerSlam live at the Compaq
Center - so, come on. "Sold out" is A LIE Here's a look at the
Allstate Arena marquee - it too says "SOLD OUT" but now I just can't
*believe* anymore Meanwhile, Jack Doan has shown up as Jeff Hardy hits the
swantonbomb on van Dam - 1, 2, 3! Charles Robinson is a little taken
aback. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new ROB VAN DAM ACTUALLY
JOBBED HOLY SHIT (3:26) Let's see if Shane's upgraded his interview skills to match the
set and graphics. Now, see what happens when you arrive late? Rock - is WALKING! -
has missed ALL of that. Let's see...two segments...no sign of any wrestling yet. Maybe we
were fooled by the liveness into thinking it *wouldn't* be just a
pay-per-view infomercial? But before things escalate...a cheap ripoff of Mr. Perfect's
music plays, which can only mean SHAWN STASIAK is out. (roll call: Crash, Hardcore Holly, Scotty 2 Hotty, Kai en tai,
Spike Dudley, K-Kwik and Essa Rios - almost all wearing SummerSlam
T-shirts: suckups) Here's your exterior - WOW WHAT A PARKING LOT! Stephanie, however, is still in the ring - Jericho is giving her
a look (as if to say "damn, girl, I think absolutely EVERY wardrobe
choice you made tonight is just so WRONG") From RAW, Taker and Kane use the cage and expose Palumbo and
O'Haire for the frauds that they are Why is Heyman still wearing an Anarchy Rulz backstage pass? Talk
about living in the past! TONIGHT: From the HOME OF THE KINGS, Sara challenges Diamond
Dallas Page - yes, Sara - stick around, it'll get uglier! AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, AN EIGHTEEN WORD REVIEW OF "TNN'S
ROBOT WARS: EXTREME WARRIORS" - It should come as no surprise to
*anyone* that this series is *vastly* inferior to "Robot Wars UK."
UP NEXT: The Rock! We promise! Don't let all this wrestling make
you turn the channel before you miss THE ROCK! Out walks THE ROCK - I notice there's no stage set up this week.
That's usually the international sign of "somebody drives a large
vehicle into the arena tonight" so we'll keep one eye open. T's music plays and ... yeah, your spider sense was tingling
correctly....it's A MIDGET, complete with Book-esque hairstyle and
"puff" flame pyro. Ross laughs to let us know it's all good clean
fun, folks. Actually, take that hair off of him and he'd be a DEAD RINGER for
Stevie Ray - no foolin'! Only, about 1/3 height compared to the
genuine froot booty merchant. A.P.A. & SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY & THA 1
BILLY GUNN & WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ &
CHUCK PALUMBO & SEAN O'HAIRE & HUGH MORRUS & TOMMY
DREAMER - Man, throw in eight or nine crazy-ass submission holds and
slap masks on all of 'em and you've got a preview of the next AAA
pay-per-view. The chase is on - inside the ring - oops, Jericho doesn't notice
Test laying in wait and the Wotsitolla Boot LANDS - and lands
BIG-TIME. 1, 2, 3. Give one back to the Alliance. (2:33) Replay of
the final moments. Tune in Thursday when Jericho starts talking to a
MOP! MICK FOLEY is inside. He says HE never kicked out of the Stone
Cold Stunner, so to see Angle do it three times - well, it was
pretty inspirational. (Or pretty business exposing, he may have
wanted to add, but didn't.) Let Us Take a Special Video Look at Austin Causing Mayhem and
Carnage - when do they give him the motorcycle with his picture on
it? Will Austin kiss Heyman? Will leaflets fall from the ceiling?
Will Rick Rude come back from the dead? Will I realise I'm mixing up
my continuity? Oh boy, this'll be a treat. Still, the shot of all the men of the
Alliance arm-in-arm, waving their arms - very Promise Keepers -
very, very amusing. Here comes Shawn Stasiak - Angle steps aside and rams him into
the front of the truck. (Guy in crowd: "You suck, Meat!") Man, I hope Lilian Garcia made it out before that started - well,
actually, I don't care either way. Hee hee! OH NO THE GIANT FIST IS EXPLODING! Hardy says "hmm, we need the twelve foot high ladder in this
match - I hope there's one under this ring" and WOW there it
is. Austin grabs Stephanie's mic (GOD BLESS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN).
Wow, we just burned a half hour outta this show. Rock finds the APA offices, studies the door - and then walks
right around it (sacrilege!). "I'm proud of you, brother, the WCW title is finally where it
needs to be." Amazingly, Faarooq fails to add "you know, I held that
title eight years ago." Meanwhile, Edge is on the phone with Grandma Edna - Christian
wants to talk to her, but she hangs up on him - that callous bitch.
WWF Excess debuts Saturday at 10! Special Guest Host: Triple H!
Will I recap it? Well.....ONCE Cole says that Rock will bring credibility back to the WCW title
- just like a Ric Flair or a Ricky Steamboat. Gag me. Tazz shills Stacker 2 #2 - Say, does Tazz look particularly
fat-burning to you? Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where Jeff Hardy
demolished a table with his body Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE
& TAZZZZZZZZZZ. Jeff Hardy has been diagnosed: it's ONLY bruised
ribs. See, you can't *really* get hurt doing this... LAST THURSDAY: Austin screwed Jericho! Call your mom! So if Rock didn't mention Jeff Jarrett as a bad champion, is that
a good sign for him coming back? Not at all? Oh. TAKER (on his beautiful Something Python Bike) v.
AALIYAAAAAAAAAAHLBERT (with X-Pactor) - Kane has been "hospitalized
with an infected elbow," says Ross, and won't be around tonight.
This is a DREAM match - those of us "in the know" of "backstage
happenings" know that Taker has made known his "respect" for
"Albert," which adds some "subtext" to this "match." In other words,
an awful lot of "smarks" think Taker should "job," and "pass the
torch," which says a lot about them right there BY THE WAY, and what
more perfect opportunity to lay down for three seconds than right
here? Me, I hope Taker FLATTENS this behemoth, 'cause the American
Badass is UNBELIEVABLY AWESOME. Okay, soapbox away, it's time to put
that play-by-play cap back on and demonstrate once again why I'm the
best in the business...at dragging out paragraphs to ungodly,
unreadable lengths, hiding the jokes so you can't POSSIBLY find 'em.
X-Pac has his cruiserweight title belt - belt to the back - Taker
calmly turns around and KO's 'Pac with a soupbone (Ha! Right now,
swarms of smarks are STAMPEDING to the message boards in an effort
to get the bonus points for being FIRST to say "Man, Taker even no
sold a BELT shot! WAAAAAH WAAAH WAAAAAAAAAH") but Taker turns around
and gets the full force of a scissors kick from Albert. Helms jumps up on the table behind him and strikes the pose.
"Stand back! There's a Hurricane...comin' through!" In the interests
of full disclosure, I have to reveal that I'm probably not in that
fine demographic of "people who are as obsessed about comix as they
are about wrestling," and thus the fact that I'm not terribly
impressed with this angle should come as no surprise. (You got a
better idea for Helms?) Well, they could always have brought back 3
Count... (Great. I'll be over here, puking my guts out. No WONDER
you like the Undertaker so much.) WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: MATT HARDY (with Lita) v. HURACAN
HELMS - Heyman dubs Lita "Hopalong," which I may steal later. Helms'
music now begins "Stand back! There's a Hurricane coming through!"
which is as good a catchphrase as any, I suppose. YIKES! Helms dons
the cape and paints a mask on his face - Heyman sings the "Captain
Chaos" riff, which may not exactly be a sign of approval - if one
were to read into such things, which I may or may not be. Anybody
with a cape is all right by me, though - Tinieblas Jr. springing
immediately to mind - so consider this an official WAFFLE on the
Helms project. Michael King Cole tries to catch up with Kurt Angle, who appears
in hot pursuit. "Kurt, I just want to know your feelings on your tag
team opponents here tonight!" "Well, you're about to find out.
Raven! AHHHHHHH" and he jumps him - OH NO RIGHT INTO THE KLANGY
POLES - they simply *must* be more careful about leaving klangy
poles about in the backstage area! Moments Ago, last paragraph - oh good, they replayed the ENTIRE
sequence. KLANG KLANG KLANG Heyman starts in with "The Alliance wishes to congratulate our
newest member Test" and that makes me wonder why he'd dis Ivory like
that. Maybe he doesn't like women? Rock is like Will to Power....fading away. Back to Shawn and Stacy as we learn Stasiak's diabolical plan -
since Kurt Angle has made a pre-match tradition of having eight
ounces of milk before every match, and since he hasn't found that
milk yet, he's here in the catering area with the ol' "bucket on the
door" trick prepared. Stasiak says the bucket is filled with sour,
rancid milk "with extra chunks." All that's missing is the comical
blueprint and box with the ACME label. At the oilcans 'n' cyclone fence set, Booker T is pacing about
while Michael Cole...checks out his goodies? EEK! [Jericho and Steph] are starting to remind me of Howie Long and
Teri Hatcher for some reason. Or maybe Verne Troyer and Michael
Jordan - both of these guys could completely disappear and I
wouldn't miss 'em AT ALL - well, okay, maybe I'm being too harsh on
Troyer. Heyman starts rattling off a bunch of names ("Did Terry Funk ever
hold the WCW title five times? No! Did Jack Brisco hold the WCW
title five times? No! Did Dusty Rhodes hold the WCW title five
times? No!") and AGAIN, Jeff Jarrett is RIGHT THERE but nobody's
gonna say his name. I sure do miss that ol' blinking hat. Man, I wish Buffy would come back from the dead already 'cause I
sure am TIRED of all these ADS When we come back, Angle has made it to the parking lot...but
there's no Austin to be found. Amazingly, Angle fails to ask the
cameraman where Austin is...or might have gone. Looks like the car
Austin was on is gone, too. Another car pulls in - Angle grabs the
driver (Tommy Dreamer) and beats HIM up, instead. Hey, thanks for
showing up tonight, Tommy! In case you can't believe the Rock just jobbed, watch this replay
- then think to yourself that Rob van Dam *didn't* job, so it all
falls into place... You ARE watching UPN - goodbye Kanyon with a ... ummm, I don't WHAT the heck THAT was - standing
over one shoulder, hooking the other shoulder with his arm, then
turning his entire body up and over, into a pinning
predicament...and gets 2. Commentators, of course, can only come up
with "nice!" to describe it (not that I've done any better). If you watch Hurricane's new entrance video, well, you WILL
believe a boy can fly. Or maybe you won't. Angle calls for....some milk. Oh man. Rock regards his carton of
milk...but opens it and toasts with Angle. If EITHER of those guys
got ANY milk actually IN their mouths, I'd be surprised. Angle gets
two more cartons of milk...man maybe this is like the GAY version of
the EXTREME CUMSHOT OF THE CENTURY - smells like ratings! Also, these "inside the character" pieces hyping Star Trek: The
Next Generation REALLY, REALLY suck. I could have made *hours* of
"Trek This Week" public access goodness available and it would have
been a lot more entertaining AND informative! But we all know that
all these authors have this incest thing going with Paramount,
and....oh sorry, I heard that I was talking too much about
non-wrestling stuff by people who couldn't SKIP A PARAGRAPH TONIGHT: The Rock puts the forty pounds of gold and diamonds on
the line against Christian! Austin enters his dressing room to a SURPRISE! from the Alliance.
Stephanie delivers a big speech, but as I'm still on vacation you
don't get a transcript. Bubba Ray covers - 1, 2, 3. I don't have to tell you both men
were legal...but I just did. (3:21 Contact) WOW! It's an exciting DOOR! WHY did I just type up Debra's entire spiel? The good news is, having been offline for almost a week, I have
NO idea what's going on behind the scenes, and you may find this
difficult to believe but it sure makes it a lot easier to enjoy
these shows when you're not subjected to everybody else's opinion of
it - although just KNOWING everybody still hates the Undertaker
without good reason *does* still add a deep level of enjoyment to
his matches... Here's a LIVE! shot of Kurt Angle - he's pretty pleased with
himself! Lookit him drink that water like he owns the place! Post-match, Terri gives Team Xtreme what for - until Lita gives
her a gutshot and Twist of Fate. THIS is the match that turned the
tide in the WWF/Alliance battle! YES! CHRISTIAN (with Edge's music - but a solo entrance video - and
Let Us Take You Back to Last Night) hits the ring. This promo will
either take him to the next level...or resign him to obscurity. Not
to put any pressure on him, ha. TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN - In certain circles
of our fine business, we refer to a clash like this as a "dream
match." However, I've never really run in those circles. (Test
Wotsitolla Boot -> pin 4:53) And STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN *is* out....no, he's walking back!
Hahahaha that RULES. The music stops, the video stops, the lights
stop. No, it starts up again...and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out a
second time. I'll go NUTS if he walks back again. I think Lilian needs to consider a good lawsuit. Not only does it only SEEM like there's been no wrestling for
half an hour, it seems like even longer because the wrestling we
*did* have thirty minutes ago was Test/Gunn! Time now for the Clearasil Smack of the Night! From RAW, Rock
invites Booker T to just bring it - but Shane gets involved - then
the APA get involved - well, let's just say that Clearasil is for
people with pimples. Hey you know Bradshaw was never really in this match. Yeah, who
cares. ONLY ME. Wow, hearing Holly's promo brings to mind only one question:
where the HECK is STEVE BLACKMAN? "RVD" chant - it must CRUSH Herb Kunze to hear his fellow
countrymen chanting about their veneral diseases! JESUS! Undertaker put over FREAKIN' KRONIK, GOD DAMMIT! What more
do you WANT from him?! I'm still inclined to completely blow off calling Billy Gunn
matches but I suppose this is a significant match for Christian, so
here we go: Both men are motionless - LISTEN TO THAT CROWD! - and after
FIFTEEN SOLID SECONDS OF NOTHING - finally Christian is over to take
a right from Gunn... To a dressing room we go, where Test and Stephanie
McMahon-Helmsley are watching on a monitor...I smell an impromptu
acting competition! Okay, first of all Stephanie really wants you to check out her
cleavage. Second of all, if Test's career has been on such a roll,
why would he need help to beat the Rock? (Well, because there's only
so much you can do with a shoehorn.) What's that? (C'mon, I'll bet
you A MILLION DOLLARS I know who the Rock will pick for Test's
partner.) Oh. OHHHHHHHHHHH shit you're right. Third of all, if
they're gonna try to spring CONTINUITY on us by reminding us - YET
again - that Stephanie left Test, wouldn't it at least help if she
ALSO called him "Andrew?" Or does continuity only work when it's
used at 50% strength? Last but not least, IF ROCK DOESN'T MAKE IT TO
UNFORGIVEN THEN BOOKER CAN'T GET THE TITLE BACK AND MY HEAD HURTS
NOW Really, if you MUST book at Test/Stephanie vs. Rock match - and
apparently, you MUST - there's got to be at least ONE way to better
write it into effect than with this God-awful, hideous backstage
vignette THING segment. Now we're moving into "say something about
Stephanie and writing" territory which I try to avoid at all costs,
so it's time I took a deep breath and attempted to move on. LOOK! It's an exciting DOOR! And Kevin Kelly is NOT standing in
front of it! Cole makes the face of a man who's just seen a flaky, paper thin
pastry dough stuffed with a layer of apples, then a layer of
walnuts, and finally sprinkled with lemon juice. (Golly, is that
REALLY what Rock wants us to think of his dick as? Maybe someone
should have caught up to Rock and said "I do not think that means
what you think it means" or something.) Tough Enough 2 auditions are COMING! Send in your tape now -
"don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!" says Ross. "Or
twice," says me. YEAH I hope that "Nas-TEE" lady applies again!
THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ and RHYNO THE MAN BEAST (with RAW Credits
& transmitido en espanol SAP & TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) v.
APA and CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - My God! THIS must be that match that
we'll all look back at years from now as THE PIVOTAL TURNING POINT
in the WWF/Alliance shodown....ahhhhhhhh FUCK IT. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda misses all this because he's off in
the other corner, discussing the origins of the saying "Don't Mess
with Texas" with Bradshaw. Booker T shadow boxes! Meanwhile, Undertaker ALSO shadow boxes!
But he is *also* WALKING!! Kane - I'm begging ya - if it didn't work the FIRST time, it
ain't gonna work the SECOND time - just PUT THE CHEF BOYARDEE BIG
BEEFARONI DOWN, SON Inside WWF New York, there are PEOPLE! Here's a Special Video Look we've seen before - it's that same
old story, really... boy tosses medals - boy kidnaps boy - boy
challenges boy - boy inexplicably pins boy thanks to timely run-in
from boy... ...boy. Also in the front row...and seeing ZZ Top's BILLY GIBBONS, Paul
Heyman exclaims "OH MY GOD ladies and gentlemen - the Boogie Woogie
Man Jimmy Valiant! MERCY!" Hey, I think I kept most (if not all) of my smartass comments in
check...in this situation, a chronicle of events serves public
interest infinitely more than some two-bit recapper's need to hear
his own voice handing out pearls of wisdom to the unwashed masses,
but I hope you won't mind me throwing out an observation and an
opinion here...and if you do, you can stop reading right now and I
won't be offended: First, Vince failed to end his remarks with "and
we'll donate all the profits from tonight's show to the Red Cross."
I note this in the most impartial manner possible without implied
suggestion...that'll be for others to do. However, *this* one is
mine: No matter *how* many people tell me what a sweetheart
Stephanie McMahon is in real life, it doesn't change the fact that,
to me, tonight, she came across petty, bitter, vindictive, and
concerned solely with herself and twisting every available situation
in that direction. And THAT....well, *that* makes me wonder if maybe
it's just something she hasn't learned to suppress...to suppress,
perhaps, as well as her father. Back to "normal" Monday...we hope.
Stephanie promises that unlike last week, she won't be on
commentary - she'll be on the apron, making sure this match is
successful. Then she sings the theme from "Malcolm in the Middle" to
Shane! Wow! (She doesn't, really.) Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - oof - they're almost making me
miss Chyna...almost Raven starts channelling Mr. Bill AND Mr. Hands ("I would NEVER
put you in the wood chipper!" "Yes you would, you suck!" "Oh, I
suck, do I?") before taping Moppy's mouth shut with duct tape,
and... oh, I should also note that Raven fails to actually put his
safety goggles around his eyes (they stay around his neck)
and...yes....puts Moppy through the wood chipper - which actually
takes a bit longer (a LOT longer) than you'd expect. I wonder what
Chavo Guerrero thinks of all this. Heyman's a big ol' tease. (I think "big" is an unfortunate choice
of words.) Ummm, well. T holds Tazz up - Shane with a sitout Hart Attack off the ropes.
Shane is a student of the classics! Interestingly, Shane and Booker do the same kinda high five that
I do when I'm at the bowling alley. How DOES Kane eat, anyway? (Duh...he takes the mask off.) Or
maybe he just uses a STRAW! Yeah! (Hey, you know it's not real,
right?) WHAAAT?!? Wow, Shane AND Stephanie get the falls in their respective
matches tonight. I mean, who'da *thunk* it? (8:41) TORRIE SAMUDA heads out - she's got some new music that the
viewing audience can actually hear. Torrie is trying to affect a "deer in the headlights" face...I
guess. "What kinda woman are you, Torrie? Huh? You're pathetic! Look at
ya!" Torrie..."cries," I guess. Golly, what a horrendous acting
performance. Hey, Austin's right - she IS pathetic! YEAH that was good stuff. I haven't enjoyed a segment this much
since Austin whupped on Cole....hmm, I'm all about Austin grievously
injuring people, it seems... Not that it matters - the commentators spent the whole match
talking about how Austin knew the pain of the piledriver despite
completely failing to mention the verboten name of Owen Hart. Wow, remember when this was ALMOST a feud? Oh no, Rob WET himself!! Here's a look at the exterior of the Pyramid. I'll give you one
guess what it's shaped like. Let Us Take You Back to RAW when Rock had another handicap
match...against Test and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. This is as good
a time as any to say FUHFUHWID except maybe to bring it back to
watch Stephanie pin him one more time - err, maybe not. "...first and foremost, indeed, the Rock does have [does his new
crotch move which is now all the rage on the playgrounds of
America]...great balls of fiah!" Ross: "Rock's got a score to settle!" 'cause Rhyno pinned him a
few weeks back. Rock immediately tags out to Bradshaw. Oops, he
didn't get the Ross/Heyman memo about how much he hates Rhyno, I
guess. PERSONAL REQUEST 2: Ha, ha, you skipped the above paragraph but I
got you HERE! Sorry, no comments about the Baywatch marathon; I was watching
the Packers make the Redskins their collective BITCH. Gotta love the
Redskins 'cause THEY LOST FOR *AMERICA!* Wow, Kurt's mom is named Jackie....MY mom is named
Jackie...coincidence? Also, my mother's maiden name is....yeah,
right, I ain't tellin' YOU, you sneaky identity thief! TONIGHT: Kurt Angle vs. Booker T. - and NOBODY is allowed at
ringside! Well, except the commentators. And the timekeeper. And
Lilian Garcia, I bet. Oh, and there'll probably be a ref in the
ring. But THAT'S IT! Well, except the cameramen, maybe some sound
guys, a few techs..but other than that, NOBODY allowed at ringside.
By God, Commissioner Regal MEANS IT! WCW U.S. TITLE: RHYNO WHO IS A MAN BEAST v. JEFF HARDY - Champion
enters first because he ain't dressed like no NANCY BOY. (Which
isn't to say, of course, that I wouldn't deck out like Jeff if *I*
were prouder of my physique. YEAH RIGHT) Backstage, Storm and Ivory discuss the strategy of their upcoming
six-person match...Hurricane whooshes in with sound effect and *set
a COURSE for HILARITY* Here comes Molly - clothesline! Referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas
thinks "aha, HERE'S somebody I can muscle back into their corner!"
and does so. WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KURT ANGLE v. BOOKER T (with RAW Credits,
transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) - Champion
enters first because he's white. Hey! I can see the bottoms of that girl's boobs! Why aren't ALL
the TNN ads like this? "The following contest..." Christian takes the mic from LILIAN
GARCIA. YAY! Let Us Take You Back to Unforgiven, where Jennifer Holliday led
it all off with "America the Beautiful" - her version running
roughly like this: "OWWWWWWWWWW! I LOVE AMERICA! I LOVE AMERICA!
OWWWWWWWWWW! AMERICA! HEEEEEEEEEEEEY! YEEEEEEEEEEAH! OWWWWWW!"
Still, she has two more Grammys than I'LL ever have, I suppose.
While Ross tells us that Holliday captured "the spirit of ALL
Americans," Heyman stares blankly, as if somebody'd just forced him
to swallow a live goldfish...and he wasn't sure if it wasn't trying
to swim back upstream. van Dam limbers up - HE seems frozen in time as well. This is
probably the point where Stephanie shows up and looks at his
crotch...nope, it's Raven. (Wait - what are you saying about Raven
then?) Ha ha, I get it. That was a good one. No, it's Raven and
Terri. We cut to a shot of....yikes, it's Diamond Dallas Page and he's
up close for GLEEM. I have to admit, my inner smark shone through and I waited this
entire vignette for the Jeff Jarrett gold tooth sparkle....and I was
DENIED. Rock looks in a different direction as if to say "hey, how come
you haven't started chanting my name yet? Don't make me come out
there" Well I think we could have gone all night without hearing the
Rock say "afterbirth goo." Stephanie throws a tantrum at the top of the ramp - Rock decides
to hit the other two corners rather than continue to subject himself
to a further viewing of Stephanie's "acting ability." Again, Heyman says Austin will show up tonight - and just like
Monday, he promises that he'll be wearing a hell toupee. Kanyon, behind the ref's back with a ... cross between a double
leg slam and a Rydeen bomb - sitout double leg powerbomb? Whatever,
it looked nasty. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. X-PAC (with Yaaaaaaalbert) - this
should be a barn burner. Cough. X Factor leave Show and Dudley laying and take off. Play what's
passing for their music these days! Here comes STEPHANIE PUTS HER HAND UPON HER HIP, WHEN I DIP YOU
DIP WE DIP (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) to join the commentary team.
Ivory slaps her own ass - I have no idea why, but I wouldn't mind
her doing it again until I could figure it out. "Behold - the Hurricycle!" Yikes. Hurricane deposits Molly in a
sidecar and revs it up...and they take off. And I think the WORST
part is...NONE of those people gathered nearby and watching lifted a
FINGER to stop it! Ervin J. Nutter has his name on this building! Don't you wish YOU
had a name like Ervin J. Nutter? "Well...excuse the Rock one second. (OH MY GOD - ROCK TURNS TO
THE CAMERA) Would you like to hear Kurt Angle sing a song?" "Who are
you talkin' to?" (OH MY GOD - KURT ANGLE CAN'T SEE THE CAMERA)
It takes Cole less than five seconds to use the word "chemistry"
in an attempt to drive the point home with the viewer. Opening Credits - note that there is no On one hand, it's everything back to normal (the American flag is
gone from the back video wall - who had "two weeks" in the pool?),
just like the president asked us.... and yet...... isn't the fact
that somebody felt they had to change the damn name of the damn show
PROOF that the terrorists have gotten what they wanted? [ Yeah,
yeah....there are plenty of other, better examples. This one,
however, happens to *actually be relevant to the topic I claim to
regularly display expertise in*. See how it works, everybody? Pass
it along to your favourite wrestling writer... ] [The complete silence from the audience is made twice as apparent
by Ross' forced chuckle - THAT one went over like a fart in a
church] Austin's music fails to play, and Austin fails to come out.
Heyman swears his sources told him Austin would NOT be here - which,
given Heyman's sources complete failure to properly predict Austin's
whereabouts on two separate occasions LAST week, should seem to
guarantee Austin would show. Anyway, I *could* be reading too much
into this. The bottom line is nothing happens. LISTEN TO THAT
CROWD!! When the Rock makes lists, I start wondering what's on the other
channels.... And here to take up the challenge is SHANE DUDLEY - WAIT, SHANE'S
NOT A DUDLEY. Can someone PLEASE tell me why Shane doesn't strip the Rock RIGHT
NOW? WITHOUT all this matchmaking stuff? WITHOUT all these
stipulations? (Well, silly, that's not how they *wrote* it.) You
know, what you've said applies on a whole level you probably didn't
even IMAGINE back when you were saying it just then. Think about it.
Back to our witty dialog in the meantime. "Ass hole!" Oh, that's so untrue, that's SO untrue, Kurt! Not only do I have
a strudel, but I got the whole damn bakery down there!" There it is
- the one line this whole segment was built around. Thanks, DICE.
AOH! "...and Kurt, I'm challengin' you tonight In That Very Ring for
da World Wrestling Federation championship. How you like that?"
Damn, he DOES think he's Dice. "Shane, I'm likin' that just fine. Well we'll see if you have a
strudel or a Twinkie. Let's go. Woow!" What the FUCK does that MEAN?
WHO is WRITING this SHIT? For an encore, Shane walks down to ringside - I guess he'll just
take 'em both on simultaneously...or, maybe THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ will
sneak out through the crowd and give the Pearl Harbor treatment -
wait, can I still say that or will people be offended? You know that ad where Michael Jordan tries out all the hairdos
and then points to his bald head and says "stick with the original?"
Well....I remember him HAVING HAIR when he debuted Oh, of course I
*also* remember him saying he'd be wearing a 45 jersey forever out
of respect, and we all know how long THAT lasted. Come to think of
it, just GO AWAY MICHAEL JORDAN (Hey HYPOCRITE - what does THIS have
to do with wrestling?) Well of COURSE I'm a hypocrite! Would you
read me if I *wasn't?* This must be one of those MAGIC FAX machines that makes noise as
part of the audio track of the show, 'cause it's making noise...
Heyman drops his headset in shock at the paper that came from the
FAX machine - perhaps he's wondering how a FAX machine could
actually WORK, given that there aren't any phone lines actually
extending out to the commentary table, NAAAAAAH. Anyway, Heyman
stands on the commentary table and addresses the masses.....oops,
but his mic doesn't work. Well ain't THAT a pissah. WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: SPIKE DUDLEY (with Let Us Take You
Back to SmackDown!) v. THE HURACAN - STILL no sign of Molly Holly
since Hurricane made like Bastion Booger and gave her a Trip to the
Batcave... Flying jalapeno! Neckbreaker! Wow, Ross actually mentions
something that happened on Heat (Spike defeating Mike Awesome)!
While Dudley is hung up, Hurricane applies the Eye of the
Hurricane (or, as called by Ross, the "...") 1, 2, 3. Champ retains.
(2:15) To Ross' credit, he DOES know the name of the WWF guy's
finisher... Molly, like all modern-day superheroes, is decked out in pink and
black (oh, the symbolism of it all!) - Hurricane sweeps her off her
feet, get outta my dreams and into my sidecar...and off they ride...
Back to Spike, who looks bummed. We zoom in to take a good look
at the scar tissue on his forehead. Heyman lovingly clutches the FAX to his ample bosom. Torrie Wilson stands at the oilcans and cyclone fencing set (with
new "RAW" logo, mind you) - she'll chat with Lilian Garcia NEXT!
Hmmm, so Finkel isn't just ring announcing so Garcia can take a
vacation? Have my prayers been answered!? And now, Lugz presents the WWF Boot of the Week! From SmackDown!,
Booker T, Test and Shane help the Dudley Boyz use their boots
to....um....3D Rock through a table. Um...with their BOOTS.
Umm.....yeah. Boot of the Week. 3D. Boots. Boots. Hey, look over
there! Ross welcomes us to "the RAW Zone" - the WWF's new name for the
second hour of the show, replacing the War Zone. "War Zone" at least
had some semblance of meaning beyond its titular capacity, while
"Raw Zone" means just about as much as....say.... "Discovery Zone."
Ross asks who would have gotten the title if that HAD been on the
table - as if anybody had ACTUALLY thought that far ahead. Gosh,
there's no tension at all between the Dudleyz about only one title
and two of them, huh? That's just GOOD CHARACTER WRITING, isn't it.
I guess Ross isn't smart enough to look at the number at the top
of the FAX and see if it's local, though. Ivory turns round and reveals what MIGHT be a cutout in the back
of her pants and MAYBE something that MIGHT be the top of the crack
of her ass...or perhaps it's just an incredible simulation.
Whatever, I bet it makes the kids happy. Maven turns his back...and Tazz clamps on the Tazzmission.
"Welcome to the big time, kid! Your opponent is ME." Actually, what
should have surprised Maven is that he found out who his opponent
was going to be...AND it wasn't the night of the show that he found
out! Shane reverses into the UGLIEST floatover DDT I've ever seen -
and I've seen the ROCK do that move! TONIGHT: Dudley Boyz & Nick Patrick v. Rock & Chris
Jericho & Mike Chioda! OH BOY WRESTLING REFS! TONIGHT: Stacy
Keibler vs. Torrie Wilson in a bikini contest! OH BOY WRESTLING
BIKINI CONTEST! Then, the ghost of Graham Chapman appeared and said "but it's not
a PROPER punchline!" but everybody ignored him. Ross says that Spike decided to compete in this match rather than
go out for a night on the town with the Show - that means that
either the writers decided what they had in mind was gonna REALLY
suck, or that it was gonna cost too much for a coupla midcarders, or
actually they never had anything in mind and couldn't come up with
some skits on short notice, or (and this is the most likely
possibility) some other reason entirely. Here's a Special Video Look at Maven - or, as I like to call
him.....well, Maven. Counting the number of times Snow says
"charisma" in this piece reminds me that K-Kwik has been released.
POINTS TO SELF v. KURT ANGLE (with SAP transmitido en espanol) in
the most important nontitle match on the face of the earth, the most
important match in the history of mankind, and the most important
match I have recapped in this paragraph - Can you imagine the skill and drama it takes for Torrie Wilson to
deliver these line? "Okay, Tajiri - is THIS bikini okay? Tajiri, I
am SO looking forward to this tonight! You do not even know."
No.....you don't KANE v. NAPPY T - Both men have something to prove. For Booker T,
it's that he didn't deserve the snub in the vote to determine
Angle's opponent. For Kane, it's that he can actually come out and
wrestle a singles match despite having fallen off the Atkins diet
wagon. Want the first season of Tough Enough on video or DVD? Why didn't
you tape it for free when it was airing, you knucklehead? NOW you
gotta pony up the dough and call this number! They play Sunny's music as they strip - is it just me, or did
they deliberately find a nonflattering bikini for Stacy in order to
make sure Torrie'd win? Not that there was gonna be a problem - the
girl with the bigger tits ALWAYS wins, right? Stacy slaps Coach silly - probably ruining his equilibrium for
six weeks (or until it stops being funny to write into the
plotlines). Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 again - again - what an awful ad
this is. I'm so tired of seeing it. YOU'RE tired of READING about
it. Right? We agree! Hey, did you know Nick Patrick is the son of the Masked Assassin?
(Yeah, I told you that actually.) I'm sure I could explain how
exactly this match came about, but......let's face it, when I'm this
late I only get about 20% of my normal hits anyway, so why overexert
my brain? Still, I WILL evoke some nostalgia by reminding long-time
WWF viewers that back about ten years ago, Chioda was pro
wrestling's KING FROSTED MULLET and man *those* were they days,
weren't they? Hey, go back and check the tapes if you don't believe
me. Hey, you know what this match REALLY needs? RIGHT! Teddy Long
coming out and tying one of Jericho's hands behind his back! AND
Scott Dickenson holding a dress! Bubba Ray with a snapmare for Jericho...wow, it's a reverse
headlock but also a seated abdominal stretch! Go ON, big Bubba!
Hey, you know what this was? This was like a house show dark
match main event....except this time, it happened to be the
SmackDown! main event. W-E-I-R-D. Can I say one thing? It's all well and good for JR to use Ross
Report space to tell us not to bitch out the writers when we
perceive crap on our television screen, but it's ANOTHER thing to
put something on our television screen that WON'T be perceived as
crap instead - I shouldn't have to tell you, the major difference
being that one way will make you a heck of a lot more money in the
long run, and the other way will alienate enough of your audience
that you've become an EX-business. (I don't think it'll go that far,
but who ever thought WCW would really go out of business? May we
live in interesting times.) The news never stops: it's the first ever lingerie match at No
Mercy - Stacy Keibler vs. Torrie Wilson - set phasers to
stroke. Ross can't tell Stacy and Torrie apart - I guess all them white
women look alike or something. Good God, Stephanie is doing the Elaine Benes dance...if she had
her hand surgically attached to her hip. "Choke on that, assclowns!" I think he meant "slapnuts." Yikes! She bends over, ass to the camera, and hits the "Luke
Skyywalker album cover" pose. (zoom out - she's still smiling between her legs - err, that was
an unfortunate choice of words) Booker T pinned Kane last Thursday, and by showing this clip I
*believe* they're trying to signal a runin for later in this
match...which, by the way, is JUST one of what this show needs
another. (Good God, your grammar is horrendous.) NOBODY
CARES. Back to the ring where Booker is looking at his hand....but, sure
enough, TAKER is out - gutshot, Last Ride, are you kidding me, Jeff
with a swantonbomb, Robinson is miraculously back in the ring - 1,
2, 3. Well, fuck. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new WCW tag team
champions....and golly, for being the most important WCW tag team
title match ever, that sure sucked! (3:40) Meanwhile, Lita congratulates the Hardyz on their win and leaves
them to shower (together) - Why does Ross keep calling him "Mr. Christian" like he's a Night
Ranger song? Christian in with a chair - Edge spears him! Play Rob Zombie!
Wonder what you're doing with your life! Heyman asks Ross who is the better athlete, RVD or Shane. Ross
actually *waffles* on the answer - is he NUTS? "Shane" is to
"athlete" as "CRZ" is to "writer." Okay, that might be overly
harsh...on me. McMahon and van Dam congratulate each other - then meet up with
Stephanie and the rest of the Alliance for a big celebration. Hey,
there's Tommy Dreamer! Thanks for coming out tonight, Tommy! Refs and officials are ineffective at pulling Rock and Jericho
apart. Now that's just so sad. To think how all this could have been
avoided....excuse me, I need a moment. Sniffle. Say, is this why all
those Jericho T-shirts went on clearance at the Shop Zone? WWF LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: SCOTTY 2 HOTTY (with Subway
presents No Mercy in thirteen days!) v. X-PAC - One nice thing that
Ross does before the match begins is bulletpoint everything that's
happened up to this point in the show. Now, that doesn't exactly
make up for spending this entire match talking exclusively about
Stone Cold Steve Austin, but alas, we must take the bad with the
good. What kinda hero wears pink and black, anyway? Are these guys tired of running the ropes yet? 'cause I'm tired
of typing it. You know, it's not like I had any sort of clue what the answer
WAS for the WWF... but my gut's telling me this wasn't it. Moments Ago, Linda brightened all our nights Shane wonders who the new commissioner is - and what other
announcements are gonna be made tonight. Then he DOESN'T look
directly into the camera and say "stay tuned to find out - TONIGHT -
ON SMACKDOWN!" but I think he WANTED to. You know what, if I hadn't been told about the "CRZ IS WALKING"
sign out in the crowd during this entrance, I probably would have
completely missed it myself! HEY HYATTE WHERE ARE YOUR SIGNS NOW?
Sorry, I always wanted to do that. Commentators hype Buffy & Roswell - the way the ratings are
going, they're going to need BUFFY to hype THEM X-Pac - OH GOOD LORD he's going for a powerbomb - YOU CAN'T
POWERBOMB KIDMAN! You'd think he'd know that. Kidman backs up to the corner - YIKES - let's call it a "sitout
facefirst reverse crucifix powerbomb" and hope nobody notices
(Trivia: When was the last time Hebner didn't take a shot in his
match?) Kurt Angle talks about life on the road - and how he plans to
later divorce his wife. No, wait...buy the book, that can't be
right. Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - again - again - I almost miss
those Kane pasta ads Maven STILL hasn't bought any ringwear - man, he had a whole
WEEK! WILLIAM REGAL v. KURT ANGLE - is it just me is it four minutes to
the end of the show? I smell the earthy aroma of squash in the
air... TOMMY DREAMER is out with a chair - Angle takes it from him -
WHACK! Thanks for coming out, Tommy! That's it. I don't wanna hear from you until Monday! Oh boy! Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley on the cover of WWF Magazine!
Buy it and PISS ON THE COVER! Kurt Angle talks about his drunk father to sell books! ("Hey,
that's outta line!") All right, YOU tell me what he's doing.
("Well....okay, that's EXACTLY what he's doing, but couldn't you
have said it NICER?") And *speaking* of Nidia (MEOW!), she....comes in the ring
post-match and does nothing. WOW! I think Taylor could have done
that better. Stephanie emotes while Rhyno watches. Trust me, I'm doing you a
*favour* by blowing this off. Let Us Take You Back Two Years to RAW - aww, Rock has sideburns.
Oh man, they cut out the BITCHBITCHbitch part. Aww, Jericho has a
shiny shirt and a bleached unicorn hairdo. Those were good times.
RAVEN AND TOMMY DREAMER IN PARTY HATS OMG THIS RULES. Debra: "Hey! And guess what? I made the Debra cookies. They're
good, aren't they?" Test is eating them....Booker has a longer
memory. (Continuity!) Ha ha - Hugh Morrus using his party hat as a megaphone. A black limousine pulls up. The cameraman helpfully zooms in and
out, but nothing happens. Bradshaw called Molly fat? Man, Bradshaw SUCKS. Where's my "DAMN." T-shirt? Tazz holds up a Stacker 2 truck - but I'll bet that guy runs out
and STILL has to go to the store with Trish Stratus later Psst....this was a pretty good match - mostly 'cause Taker rules.
Earlier this week, Linda McMahon announced that WWFE would be
donating a million bucks to Mayor Giuliani. Here's a Special Video
Look at that big photo op - wow, Linda is ALMOST as tall as Rudy!
Holy cats, Justin Credible is still employed? "You're pathetic, you know that?" No, what's pathetic are those
punches, Christian! (Meow!) Funny....I don't actually remember hearing from Angle tonight.
How did he become an afterthought again? van Dam kicks him in the face with his free leg, shaking him off.
Speaking of which, I think van Dam forgot to shake it off when he
left the bathroom (okay, two pee jokes is enough, I think) but MAN
it's so OBVIOUS looking! Vince gives a lecherous look to his wife. Yikes! They start to
embrace...but fortunately, we're spared Linda and Vince making out
in the ring - unfortunately, we're spared it by "Brand New Money"
and SHANE CAN'T...and STEPHANIE CAN'T EITHER. Hey, maybe THEY'LL
make out! "Why don't you TWO OLD PRUNES just DRY UP and BLOW AWAY. I mean,
really, you've survived long enough, Mom and Dad, why don't you just
MOVE ON DOWN to Florida and retire with the rest of the elderly
people." There may be a Dusty Rhodes joke in there, I'm not sure.
Lita and Trish hug - oh, see, they're friends now, okay. Who can
remember back that far, anyway? Chris Jericho is WALKING! And by golly, that WCW title belt is
over his shoulder where *everybody* can see it (including CHRIS
JERICHO nameplate)...and you know, there ain't NOTHIN' wrong with
THAT. Oh, that was the whole segment. Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - the choice of stereotypical
Italian-Americans everywhere Well look who's back. It's he, it's he, it's DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE
and he's got a headset mic on so he can gesticulate wildly with BOTH
hands....that is, when he's not effecting that freakish grin.
Hey, that was LIKE a match....right? Let's take another ad break!
Angle drops down and grabs an ankle - ANGLELOCK! AND RHYNO
TAPS!!!!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new United States
Champion! (11:30) Reaction shot from Shane and Stephanie - and Vince
and Linda - and back and forth about a MILLION times between them.
Hey! I got a CRAZY idea - LET'S STOP LOOKING AT McMAHONS AND LOOK AT
ANGLE! You don't need me to TELL you "that was a good match" to know
that was a good match, right? .....right? Meanwhile, Hurricane has climbed to the top - hurriplancha - HOLY
GEEZ HAYDEN he just tried to kill himself... Replay of the clothesline that doesn't work - and the one that
does. If Faarooq were here, he'd probably say... "Damn." Ol' Uncle
Zebekiah would be proud. If you look REAL carefully, you'll see Regal start to lose it and
break out laughing just before they fade to black (say, did any of
the other recappers notice this?) THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER WHO IS AWESOME & KANE (with Earlier
Tonight) v. T (with WrestleMania X8 tickets go on sale in *12* days!
Check out WrestleMania.com!) and T T THIS IS A T - this is, what,
the third time these guys have gone at it in a tag match? Honestly,
do you think they would keep DOING it if it weren't SOMEHOW
resonating with a large portion of the fanbase? Taker gives Test a big boot, the pile shifts and the next thing
you know, Kane's taking Test out with a TOMBSTONE!!! 1, 2, 3!
AWESOME. (8:11) (Hey, did you *see* that? Test just gave back his
PPV win! It's an OUTRAGE!) SHADDUP I said that was AWESOME Yay, van Dam points to himself again! Show is KILLING him - if van Dam ends up winning this, it's sure
gonna SUCK. Okay, that didn't suck as much as I thought it would - even
though the champ retains by essentially no-selling a chair to the
face. (4:46) Oh no, I think he pissed himself again. Ummm, why are they showing "Baywatch" right now with a
WWF-scratch TNN logo? (And did this happen on the live feed... or
just the Pacific feed?) And why - WHY - do they risk BRAIN DAMAGE
just to get HIGH for THREE SECONDS...oh, Mitch...you're so right.
You're ALWAYS right, Mitch. We all should pattern our lives after
you. Now where's KITT? And now it's a black screen. How nice. And
now it's segment 6 of "Baywatch!" I know this from the nice still
store that says "TNN EPISODE #28 PROD #3012 BAYWATCH "SHOWDOWN AT
MALIBU BEACH HIGH" SEGMENT 6 CBenker 10/10/01 Betegeuse" WOW that
Mitch can really work the heavy bag, can't he? He's so...DREAMY. I
wonder if he's ever done any singing? Maybe released some compact
discs? Hey *FINALLY*, we're back after three minutes of the wrong
feed... Ladies and gentlemen, we have a buttload of new champions
tonight. I also heard that the east coast got some unexpected Star Trek
during the final Linda/Vince moments, as opposed to the unexpected
Baywatch the west coast got during the opening minutes of the final
segment. Hey, put the two shows together, you might get a complete
final segment! It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting
more over than, say, Haku - at least, it's getting more television
time I GET LETTERS: The Cubs Fan astutely notes: I think the best part
of Heyman randomly remembering that Awesome and Dreamer didn't get
along eightneen months ago is that, when they temporarly unite, no
one remembers that RVD and Raven didn't get along all of two months
ago. Tazz hijacks ANOTHER truck of Stacker 2 - honestly, you think the
law enforcement officials would notice a PATTERN by now Wow, Omaha actually has a SKYLINE? Good for them! It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting
more over than, say, Essa Rios - at least, it's getting more
television time It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting
more over than, say, D'Lo Brown - at least, it's getting more
television time Good God - "Buffy: the Musical?" WHY? It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting
more over than, say, Billy Gunn - at least, it's getting more
television time It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting
more over than, say, Bull Buchanan - at least, it's getting more
television time - is it just me, or is that Chad Patton wearing the WCW ref
shirt? OH MY GOD - CHAD PATTON HAS JUMPED TO THE ALLIANCE AND THE
BALANCE OF POWER HAS SHIFTED AND SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT CAN NEVER BE
THE SAME or maybe I'm just not supposed to notice stuff like that.
On the other hand, it all starts with the little things.....oh well,
let's watch this match. T looks around in disbelief as if to say "this is the WWF, right?
Wasn't he supposed to hit a finisher before he pinned me?" Foley hits the "DDP taught me yoga" pose on the Twister mat
(yikes) and tells us Al Snow and Tazz is next! It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting
more over than, say, Steve Blackman - at least, it's getting more
television time Linda, the camera's on you....Linda? Okay, thanks. It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting
more over than, say, Val Venis - at least, it's getting more
television time Shane grabs her and holds her arms back, arching her back to
thrust out her ample bosoms...oh, wait... It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting
more over than, say, Crash - at least, it's getting more television
time Moments Ago! They acted so nice, we had to view it twice - that
Linda's a real hottie, yo She breaks down (hey, wood can't cry!) Pippi Longstockings - sorry, Jeff, awaits a tag - and gets it!
Paul is quick to tell us that the Dudleyz are the first team to
win the ECW, WWF and WCW tag team championships...which isn't as big
a deal as the Road Warriors winning four different world titles, but
they're not on my screen right now. Lita seems puzzled that Matt would actually get distracted by
some other woman's ass, see, 'cause SHE knows he doesn't really LIKE
girls....what? It might be just me, but it seems like Austin's watch is getting
more over than, say, Perry Saturn - at least, it's getting more
television time Cole: "The Rock is a class act - no whining, no complaining after
losing the WCW title at No Mercy, giving Y2J his due..." Cole, are
you NUTS? He's brought up the damn chair EVERY CHANCE HE'S HAD. He's
a WHINER. WHINY ROCK WHO IS A WHINER, I should be calling him.
Rock finds a chair - ROCK FINDS A CHAIR?!? AFTER ALL THAT WHINING
ABOUT JERICHO ROCK GOES FOR A CHAIR? Oh, but it's LEGAL in this
match - so Rock's NOT a WHINY WHINER, right? Rock with a gutshot - and DDT on the chair! Hey Rock, you didn't
like it when CHRIS JERICHO used the Stroke on a chair to
YOU...whiner. And of course, the last thing we hear...is Cole shilling a
McMahon/McMahon Street Fight on Monday. THIS will bring the ratings?
I don't know...maybe it would be better if they could somehow insert
Austin's watch into the main event... LAST THURSDAY: Here's the set of clips that usually opens the
show. My cable (fortunately?) cuts out at this point - we pick it up
after a minute and a half... How come my cable doesn't cut out
during the ADS, hmmm? WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: ROB VAN DAM
v. KING EDGE (with Rob Zombie CD cover) - HOLD THE PHONE! Why is Rob
van Dam competing for a WWF title? Isn't Vince trying to get the
hardcore title OFF van Dam? But now van Dam gets to go for ANOTHER
piece of WWF hardware? That DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. We can only assume
Edge will go over somehow, since they didn't pursue the more logical
match story of Edge/van Dam for the hardcore championship - if Edge
gets a fall in THAT scenario, the hardcore title changes hands and
you'd think they probably want to keep the belts where they are. OR,
and this could be even more likely, they need a run-in and DQ in
here and a hardcore match wouldn't get that accomplished - in which
case I stand by my original "plot in hole is symptomatic of weak
thinking writer" bitching. Hey, I guess I could STOP bitching and
"get to the damn match, already," though, couldn't I? Edge rolls out to the apron and pulls himself up. van Dam runs
the ropes and puts him onto the floor with...not a roaring elbow -
more of a whispering elbow. Edge hits the DDT, which you and I knew as the Buzzkiller and
Ross knew as the Impaler - but which is NOW known as the
Edge-ucution - or to Ross NOW as the Executioner (well, he's getting
there) - at any rate, as Tony would say "that's his move!" and guess
what - 1, 2, 3 and van Dam actually gets pinned. See, put enough theories out there and one of 'em's GOTTA be
right! I might as well point out that X-Pac had the most prominent seat
in this shot....which probably makes him a red herring THIS time.
("Man, you waffle more than an IHOP.") It's called SHARING MY
THOUGHT PROCESS and PROVIDING ANALYSIS. ("Well, you're half right on
the analysis part - the first half of the word at least.") DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE is out to kill off another segment. I'm not going to bitch again about how the Alliance is getting
another shot at a WWF title, BUT I COULD. I don't know about you, but I've always thought that looking at
the exterior of the Freedom Hall would certainly be one of the
highlights of television Rock looks him up and down...locks eyes with him - is he gonna
kiss him? - no, he just walks away. Taker pulls himself up into the ring... And we break away because
Shane McMahon is WALKING! Vince McMahon, also, has caught wind of
the latest craze - WALKING! Shane finally tries the baseball slide out but Vince is waiting -
right, (bell rings) right, right, and Shane trips on the ramp. Vince
mounts and punches. I DARE Jim Ross to call this "bowling show
ugly." Shane has made sure to wear a well-tucked-in shirt underneath his
jersey lest we catch sight of his abs - and I'm not sure how we
would underneath the layers of ("hey, that's a low blow - you ain't
YOUR ideal weight, neither.") Yeah, but I hide behind a computer to
look thin. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO right behind Angle NOOOOO ANGLE JUST CHAIRED
JERICHO WAS IT INTENTIONAL OR AN ACCIDENT OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ANGLE JUST CHAIRED ROCK IT WAS NOT AN ACCIDENT NO NO NO ANGLE CHAIRS
TAKER ANGLE CHAIRS KANE NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO Austin picks up
Vince - KICK WHAM STUNNER (kinda) and Shane's put on top -
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - 1, 2, 3 WHYYYYYYYYYYY(11:11)YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Shane, Austin and Angle are the last men standing...Houston, we have
a problem. LAST MONDAY: I know, I don't believe it either - it seems so long
ago, and on a different coast. The one thing I want you to notice
from this set of clips is that while Shane is lying down on the mat,
*he makes sure to adjust his jersey* lest somebody tries checking
out his....let's say "abs" but YOU know what I mean. I am SHOCKED and OFFENDED this first twenty minutes wasn't
devoted to PROMOS and INTERVIEWS MOMENTS AGO! Three paragraphs ago - notice that ROCK started the
fisticuffs here - ROCK delivered the second Rock Bottom - ROCK is
the whiny whiner who whines Jeff does the Vulcan mind meld on Lita. Hey, wanna see something interesting? During this Nike ad where
the ballplayers sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" in different
languages, hit the close captioning - it's all in English. Sorta
defeats the purpose of the ad, don'cha think? TONIGHT: It's the big one - Stone Cold Steve Austin vs.
Undertaker! "The biggest main event in the history of SmackDown!"
says Cole - hmmm, I guess TLC3 must have been SHIT That guy in the second row is STILL blowing bubbles Is Kane the biggest topcarder to not have his own website yet?
To his credit, Cole's said "how come Angle is teaming with the
man who threw his medals into the river?" about once a match.
This is a match you can point to to prove two things that are
always said but seldom backed up with actual evidence when you ask
for it: 1) Kane still has potential and deserves the spot he gets
near the top of the card, and 2) Kurt Angle deserves your wrestler
of the year vote because he's been so consistently good with so many
different wrestlers this year. And the BEST part is they still did
FIVE MINUTES after the crap run-in. What a good match. Back in the Room of Fun, Angle kisses his medals (doesn't he know
where they've been?) I've figured it out! Regal's theme sounds like a WebTV MIDI file.
Survivor Series is proudly presented by XBOX - how come nobody's
ever *embarrassed* to present something? I'm not going to note the coincidental cutting way back of
McMahons in relation to my "McMahon-free" recap, but I WILL say that
it's good to know that a lot of people were as annoyed as I
was...and that the WWF took steps and worked on it. It was probably
more of a Sweeps thing, anyway. (Smiley) Today at WWF New York, Albert, Tommy Dreamer, and Justin Credible
were tellin' the kids about Respect, Education, Achievement, and
Leadership - get it? Get REAL - R.E.A.L. okay yeah cheesy - plus,
are you ready to learn about life from Albert, Tommy Dreamer and
Justin Credible? THERE'S a trio. LAST THURSDAY: Wow, that Rock sure is a whiner. Hey, clips from
Rebellion! At Vince's behest, Jericho offers the hand - JERICHO
offers the hand - and Rock takes it. "Hey Rock! Try not to lose
another big one....again." And, sure enough, Rock starts throwing
punches. It's always ROCK throwing the punches...did you notice
that? 'cause he's a WHINER Hey, Ross just happened to drop the fact that the Women's title
is currently vacant...so there you go. I wonder if he could tell the
people behind WWFtitlehistory.com about that - they still list Chyna
as champion. Attention, fans - the commentators are finally *actually talking
about this match.* Here's a replay - it looks just as ugly as it did in real time.
Christian wears a Diamondbacks jersey...because sometimes, the
best heat is local heat. Besides, he's gotta do SOMETHING to get
this crowd involved - they've been deader than...well, I won't say
it but I'm ASHAMED that you're thinking it. LOOK EVERYBODY! THE UNDERTAKER IS SELLING AND YOU SUCK IF YOU
HATE HIM BECAUSE YOU THINK HE DOESN'T SELL Angle leaves the ring and follows after Austin. I think he wants
another hug! I think Austin wants him to put his hat back on. But
then, I'm reading into all of this - we've already gone to the ad
break Oh, God - it's the people who believe they're Klingons. These are
the Trekkers that embarrass other Trekkers, BELIEVE me. Didja ever
notice that all the really FAT guys are Klingons? There's a REASON
for that. Stacy rides a table down the ramp - ewww, there's a big greasy
spot left on the table! Earlier tonight, inside WWF New York, Billy Gunn and Chuck
Palumbo introduced themselves as the newest tag team in the WWF. My
sources indicate that current team names being bandied about for
these guys include "The Two," "the Ass Event," "Jungle Gunn
(O-E-O-E-O)," "I gave up Big Show for CHUCK PALUMBO?" and "We'll
never see these guys except on Jakked anyway, so who cares." HEY LOOK A "STEPH CAN'T ACT" SIGN - IT AIN'T JUST ME, FOLKS
My stopwatch is talking to me - it says "Stacy took five seconds
to get in the ring - then only spent five seconds in the ring until
she got out again." My stopwatch wants an episode of Heat written
around it. And now it's time for a Contractually Obligated Apron Appearance
by Stacy - shake that ass, show me whatchoo workin' with. Oh boy, "Iron Chef USA!" - it's not too late to kill yourself NOW
MOMENTS AGO! It was a veritable festival of run-ins Have you heard? On Monday, it's a Special WWF Edition of "The
Weakest Link!" Check your local listings and be SHOCKED to learn the
show is STILL on NBC! Austin, watching a monitor, reacts to this - HOLY CRAP SOMEBODY
WATCHES THIS SHOW Heyman has designs on putting Mike Tenay in Ross' chair after the
Alliance wins - well WHY NOT. Angle backs up into Kane...makes a GREAT face - then turns around
to take his right, right, right, into the ropes, big boot, if Kane
drops the leg I'm gonna shoot somebody... TOMMY DREAMER is in - clothesline for him. Chokeslam! Thanks for
coming out tonight, Tommy! WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: T & T (with RAW is brought to you
by Xbox, Starburst, and truth) v. HARDY BOYZ (with Cheata) - the
flame guy misses T's cue, and for a moment I thought Clarence Mason
was back to try to exercise the Harlem Heat copyright, but no luck.
Jeff gives Lita a hug - and Matt...gets jealous. I guess. There
isn't a lot of acting talent here, folks. The NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS are in the front row! Heyman asks if
Ross used to announce for them - oh...that was in the *N*FL. Booker T can't stop looking at Rob van Dam - maybe he's in love!
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: AWESOME UNDERTAKER WHO IS AWESOME (on
his Beautiful Titan Bike, with RAW Credits & Transmitido en
espanol SAP - AND Xbox presents Survivor Series in six days!) v.
POINTS TO SELF (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) - Wow, no
matter WHO wins, you have something to bitch about! COMMISSIONER McFOLEY is out - strange, since Halloween has come
and gone and I don't think he's got another book to plug just yet...
Bradshaw looks unhappy that he didn't get to perform his fallaway
slam. Ross has the LINE OF THE YEAR with "He has the look on his face,
does Regal, that he - he smelled your...your torso." Heyman: "He
WHA? What are you - who writes your material?" Ross: "Nobody." Me:
"DUH." Geez, these guys should just kiss already. They dance about a bit. Man, I'm BEGGING him to plant one on him
right now. "We've been this close for five minutes, and the Rock can
honestly say for some particular reason, your breath smells
like...strudel!" See he DOES want him. Hand on shoulder - he's GONNA KISS HIM! Rock makes the "people who like Bette Midler...are a little comme
ci, comme ca" hand motion. It took me over half an hour to do that last segment. I think you
should know that I expect all of you to put me on your Christmas
list STAT. PO Box 64405 Sunnyvale, CA 94088-4405 I saw my first Kings game as TBS showed the Raptors/Kings game -
and as much as I used to be annoyed by John Thompson, Kevin Harlan
has taken the crown away with his UNBELIEVABLE hardon for Vince
Carter. "OHHHH MY WHAT AN INCREEEEDIBLE PLAAAAAAY BY MY BOYFRIEND
VIIIIINCE CARRRRRTER!" Kevin - DUDE, the Raptors are still DOWN BY
TWELVE POINTS despite that semi-incredible individual effort - now
how 'bout sperading some love Sacto's way? POINTS TO SELF v. KANE in a nontitle match - I'm gonna go out on
a limb and say van Dam pins him. Call me crazy, I know. To his
credit, van Dam DOES cower away from the corner flames - as if he'd
NEVER seen that before! Commentators shill "Iron Chef USA: Showdown in Las Vegas" - I
feel less alive now From RAW, Kurt Angle drops the US title thanks to some SINISTER
PYRO This just in: the winners of the undisputed titles will keep
their jobs no matter what happens in the Winner Take All - that
could be interesting, but probably won't. Jakks Pacific RealSounds Arena ad - wow, get me an Earl Hebner
figure! Woot! MOMENTS AGO! Well, at least THIS time the replay actually shows a
bit of the MATCH! But not much WELL IT'S THE BIG DDP v. DR. TEETH - that's Big Show coming out
to Page's music, wearing one of Kanyon's old wigs and a POSITIVELY
PAGE plus size jacket - and some fake choppers. "It's me - it's me -
it's DDP." Cole does a big fake laugh in case you weren't sure if
this was funny or not. Well sure enough, invoking the spirit of the XFL will *always*
bring out BILLIONAIRE VINCE - Heyman falls to his knees and salaams
away. NOW will it get good? I gotta tellya, I was kinda hoping that "shoot" meant
"acknowledges that Shane and Stephanie don't really own WCW and ECW"
but I guess that's what hearing about it ahead of time'll getcha. It
doesn't take much to excite some people, I suppose. Me, I would have
been happier with another Steve Blackman/Crash hardcore match. That
MAY be why I'm sitting behind a computer writing ABOUT it. Courtesy: Weakest Link Productions, Inc. and BBC - here's the
entire hour distilled down to just over two minutes - I like to save
the Triple H jokes for more desperate recappers Hey, I'm as surprised as YOU are that Torrie seemed to catch that
subtlety! Off the ropes, legdrop - 1, 2, no! Man I thought that move ALWAYS
worked. Torrie ducks the clothesline and hits the Crappiest Handspring
Elbow in the World. Regal grabs her hair...talks some trash...double underhook into a
HOLY CRAP Torrie almost lost her head until remembering to tuck for
the powerbomb. Sadly, we get no more long, loving looks at Ivory's cleavage in
this segment. You know, it just isn't a WWF special video look if it doesn't
have that succession of five or ten clips of people making an
"ahhhhh" face in a row. Credits are up and it's a good sign if we've made it this far
without anybody saying "Montreal" - we'll see ya at the
pay-per-view! TONIGHT: You get NOTHING! Not even an INKLING of what's to come!
However, if you didn't buy the pay-per-view, here's a look at the
two locker rooms reacting to the finish. What *I* want to know is
how Big Show got that choice seat in the front row when he STARTED
in this match - also how rude can he be to block the view for all
the people behind him? ("Hey! Down in front! AWW C'MON") THIS WEEK'S TNG CAPSULE REVIEW: I could make the obvious joke
about "The Outrageous Okona" and the fact that somebody thought it
would be clever casting to use Joe Piscopo as the Funniest Comic In
The Known Universe but that's not MY WAY, PEOPLE - *instead* I'll
remark on Teri Hatcher as the transporter chief of the week. I mean,
I don't even trust her with the RADIO SHACK CRAP she tries to
convince Howie Long (and us) she not only knows how to use, but uses
regularly...so you can understand why I'm not exactly buying that
she has the wherewithall to run a FREAKIN' TRANSPORTER. At this
point, I have to stop and remind everyone that Teri Hatcher was born
in my current hometown of Sunnyvale, California...which has no
bearing on anything, but trivial knowledge makes the nation dumber,
so I do what I can. Oh yeah, the episode SUCKED. Lita goes for an arm wringer but unfortunately Stratus has decided to fall to the canvas, almost wrenching Lita's arm out of its socket in the process - quite possibly the ugliest spot of 2001 on WWF television. LINDA McMAHON is doing a meet and greet inside. 'cause if there's
one thing CEOs do great, it's chat in the corporate-themed
restaurant with dining customers! Hey, did you see the "Scott Keith Rules" sign? See, I KNOW Scott
- and I think I can definitively say that he DOESN'T rule! No,
REALLY! Ask around. Vince is talking to ME on his cel phone - see, I was confused
about this Kiss My Ass Club thing, so I called him up in the middle
of the show and asked him to explain it to me. (I mean, didn't you
WONDER who was on the other end?) Angle helps him up - right, right, right, into the ropes,
reversed (aw, he was doing so WELL, too), What, are all the Alliance guys just following them around from
arena to arena in a MYSTERY MACHINE solving crimes or something?
Vince drops trou - that's it, I'm outta here. Lawler's voice reaches an octave that'd make a dog say "Damn, I
can't hear him anymore." Balm applied, Regal makes a look like he's - he's been
smelling...your torso. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Let Us Take You Back to Earlier
Tonight) v. KANE - and to think, this feud started all over a
spilled cup of coffee! What? No? Oh. Somehow, referee "Blind" Teddy Long ends up admiring a butterfly
alighting on a faraway tree branch, allowing Jericho's trick knee
the chance to act up with impunity. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the recapper's very
best friend is the Special Video Look. FUHFUHWID It's Edge - I had just called him up on his cel phone and now I'm
getting the blowoff! "I'll call you back." YOU STINKIN' LIAR YOU
*NEVER* CALL BACK The remainder of this match takes place in a thick, peasoup fog
of Tazz' pyro. I'm making the foghorn bellow here and it's very
entertaining. Some music we haven't heard in almost eight months - on a
different show - is playing. You may know it's called "Also Sprach
Zarathustra" - you may not - but you *definitely* know it as the
music of THE MAN. But, damn, his suit looks more expensive than Vince's at least -
just as it should be. One W, four O's, one bang spells Woooo! TONIGHT: Gravy Bowl Invitational - oh boy - Stacy vs. Trish - not
using last names implies objectification But first....THE MAN makes a solo ascent into Kitchen Stadium
Look! They're STILL throwing crap into the gravy bowl! Jerry
Lawler says "breast. Yoohoo!" Aw, isn't that sweet? Undertaker is JEALOUS that KURT is Vince's
bitch instead of HIM! "C'mon, Vince, don't you wanna fuck ME in the
ass any more? Remember how GOOD it used to be for us?" and Vince is
all "It's not you, baby, it's ME. Now go turn a trick for us, baby,
give us a little SPENDIN' KASH MONEY" Wow, I think they succeeded in making BOTH men look bad.
Bra-VO. A creme pie is added to the gravy bowl. THAT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE
KISS ASSMAN makes his way down to the ring. Crowd helpfully
chants "Kiss my ass." Play Regal's MIDI file! Quick camera cuts are unable to mask THE WORST CATAPULT EVER.
AHHHHHHH OHHHHHH NOOOOOOO MY KID BROTHER SEES ME SMOKING WEED
NOOOOOOOOOOO OHHHHHHHHH IF ONLY I COULD TURN BACK TIIIIIIIIIIIME
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
That ad - I tell ya. Jeff EMOTES and throws down his ice pack! He just wants a young
boy, DAMMIT! Meanwhile, a smirking Chris Jericho exits from behind the door
with the MR. McMAHON placard on it. OH NO HE PISSED IN HIS TEA
SOMEBODY GET TO VINCE AND TELL HIM!!!!!!! Amazingly, three seconds
pass before a commentator uses the word "ego" in connection with
Jericho Did you know one of the continents on the IC title is
*Antarctica*? I mean, has ANYBODY EVER wrestled THERE?!? I guess if
you're gonna put all seven continents on there...well, wait, that's
like the entire world, right? Makes the title seem...oh wait,
they're starting. You can call him a no-good, cheatin' egomaniac, but don't forget
to add that he's a WINNER! TONIGHT: Oh no, it ain't over yet, not by a long shot. Trish and
Stacy tussle tonight in a BRAWN PANTIES match! Oh, and the Rock
takes on Kurt Angle & Chris Jericho in a handicap match but it
won't have any bras or panties in it. All this, plus JR says
"Oklahoma" FOUR HUNDRED TIMES over the course of just over two
hours! Back in fourteen! Vince raises Angle's arm - ewww, pit stains! Rob van Dam limbers up - pshaw, I've seen Steve Blackman do that
a MILLION times. OH NO VAN DAM PISSED HIS PANTS AGAIN Fivestar frog splash on the chair - and D-Von sells it OLD SCHOOL
STYLE twitchy witchy - 1, 2, 3. (3:19) Regal says he needs to go to the loo - the WC - Test and Bubba
Ray are confused, but Christian speaks fluent European and relates
that he needs to take a bathroom trip. Here's the slow pan upwards on Stacy. MICHAEL KING COLE manages
to keep his eyes upward asking why she thinks she can win tonight in
a bra and panties match given that she sucked on SmackDown!
"Michael, when I'm in my bra and panties, I always come out on top."
I don't even know what that MEANS! That be a nothin' segment yo I don't write up bra & panties matches BECAUSE I'M SO BUSY
BEATING OFF TO THEM. Seriously, the highlight of the match is me
laughing at referee "Blind" Jack Doan starting a three count,
forgetting the stips of this match. Trish loses her top. Stacy loses HER top. Crowd hoots and
hollers. Lawler says "giblets." In a way, it's cool to have Lord of the Rings goblets, because
commemorative glasses from Burger King seems like such a 70s style
promotion - and, hell, Lord of the Rings seems so 70s as well so it
works perfectly! THE ROCK (with RAW credits, Transmitido en espanol SAP,
TV-14-DLV, CC and LIVE! boxes) hits the ring and poses at at least
two of the four corners. I HOPE HE SINGS!!!! "It seems like everybody is hyped up here in Oklahoma City!"
[Yeah, but there's a guy in Sunnyvale who's REALLY REALLY BORED]
The Y2J countdown interrupts at this point - this seems
familiar... hey look, it's EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO I
SAID EGO DO YOU HEAR ME EGO EGO EGO EGO GOD DAMMIT YOU WILL
ASSOCIATE THIS MAN WITH THE WORD EGO IF IT KILLS ME EGO EGO EGO EGO
EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION: KING EDGE v. TEST TEST THIS IS A
TEST - Champion enters first because he has Rob Zombie music, I
guess. Hey! I just saw Booker T! He told me I was watching the NEW TNN!
(Also it said "RAW is WAR" - oops) Ross: "Rock DESPERATELY needs to make the tag!" What, it hasn't
even been three minutes! I ask you: who - WHO decided that the solution to the sagging
ratings was "wow, Vince McMahon needs to bare his ass on WWF TV.
That - THAT WILL FIX EEEEEEEVERYTHING!" Austin removes his belt and starts whipping Vince's bare ass. I
didn't need to see this. Ross laughs loud and long to let you know how hilarious it is. In
fact, this is start to look like REALLY BAD ACTING by Ross. BONG Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' AWESOME UNDERTAKER WHO
IS AWESOME is out to save the day...or, hell, turn. Well I'd say this is just about what NO ONE wanted to see...but,
gosh, I'd just *hate* to be proven wrong later. Let me just say that
all you Undertaker Hatas are getting just what you deserve. You're
gonna miss how awesome he USED to be. Hey, there's no stage tonight - isn't that the international sign
of "somebody drives something to the ring later in the show?"
Lita pays Jeff Hardy a visit. She's busy doing that "I'm a woman
so I WORRY" thing. The usual suspects break it up - HOLY CRAP Charles Robinson in a
WWF referee's shirt - BUT BUT HE WAS FIRED BUT I guess it'd be too
much to ask somebody to...oh oh, here's that word....WRITE a
storyline explaining how these fired WCW officials have suddenly
gotten jobs with the WWF.......I mean, crap. HEY GUYS! OTHER
wrestling companies used to treat their viewers like STUPID IDIOTS,
and golly, I wonder - are THEY in business now? ARE THEY? HMMMMM
Anyway, Angle promises Edge that there's more where that came from.
Then he hits the punchline. "That's gonna leave a mark." Here, let
me put this in big bold print for the people who might otherwise
skim by it so you can see I think this is important: THE PEOPLE IN
THE BACK WHO WRITE THIS CRAP ARE SO BUSY LOOKING FOR THE FUNNY FUNNY
THAT THEY ARE LEAVING GAPING PLOT HOLES FOR ME TO BITCH ABOUT AND
THIS IS WHY I AM STARTING TO THINK THEY ARE LIKE SUCKING (Hey, and I
know a lot of you are like "only NOW you're STARTING?" but respect
our differences, winky.) Q: Why does Stacy come out with Bubba Ray but not with D-Von? A:
RACISM Got van Dam - whoa - LAST RIDE ONTO THE TRASHCAN. van Dam is
dead. Hey, you know what? I bet Undertaker could cover him right now
and van Dam would STILL kick out after 2. How can you tell Undertaker's back to the dark side? He doesn't
use his headlight. Replay confirms it - brass knux are an old school CLASSIC and I'm
surprised it took somebody this long to think of including it in an
angle - oh wait, I know why - there ARE no brass knuckles in soap
operas! But before Jackie comes out, "No Chance in Hell" plays and THE
ASS walks out. Lawler wonders if he's here to induct her into the
VMKMAC - maybe we'll get lucky and he'll just make her bark like a
dog instead. Vince sneaks in a gulp - he CAN'T RESIST Wow, seeing Charles Robinson out there in a WWF zebra shirt with
NO EXPLANATION WHATSOVER just makes me furious. In fact, I'm not
gonna recap this match - you and I both know what's gonna happen
anyway. 1, 2, Taker PULLS HIM UP!! Damn, he's found a way to become even
more awesome! I HEART UNDERTAKER! CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO rips up a sign on his way to the ring -
THANK GOD! HEEL JERICHO IS BACK! If you've missed it, Jericho's got a red weave in his ponytail
now which can only mean one thing: ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego
ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego "Because *I* AM LARGER THAN LIFE!" Even bigger than Shawn "the
Star" Stasiak? WOW! Is Jericho wearing glitter? Hey, glitter ALSO equals heel!
Ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA fears Kane...but hides behind
referee "Blind" Brian Webber - for some reason, I can't see him
providing much protection in a pinch. Continuity! Kane doesn't have Show come out with him because HE'S
RETARDED. Bubba with a death suplex - now going up - DON'T DO IT THE SENTON
NEVER WORKS BUBBA - of course, he misses. Man, this guy needs
somebody to TELL him this. Super Smash Brothers Melee ad - if you watched Excess, you saw
Edge and Chavo film this commercial! Also, you have no life! YAAAAAAAAAAAALBERT (with Scotty 2 Hotty - and his music) v. THE
NARCISSIteST - Scotty joins the commentators and calls Test
"horseface" - which reminds me that Test *was* spending a lot of
time admiring himself in the mirror not too long ago, and that I
forgot to debut this nickname sooner. Scotty sits in the chair and affects his "Super Crazy" demeanor -
"what? III didn't do NOTHIN'. I'm a GOOD boy!" HE KISSED HER ON THE MOUTH! MY GOD IN HEAVEN, HE'S A MARRIED MAN!
Rock lets her go - then turns to the camera and rasises his
eyebrow. See he KNOWS you're watching! He just wants you to know
what a MACK he is! Trish Stratus is WALKING! She encounters Steve Lombardi and Crash
(who says "You know, I've been meaning to tell ya - good luck
against Jackie this Sunday!" - wow, Crash, thanks for showing up
tonight) Matt requested this match, thinking if they can't defeat the
WWF's largest team, maybe they'd have better luck with the smallest
one. What, Funaki and Crash weren't available? Yeah, I guess Crash
was too busy wishing people luck in their upcoming PPV women's title
defenses. Oh well, let's go. "You're always pushing me - one way OR THE OTHER!" Oh man, he
learned that line from Steve Blackman! Austin goes through a six pack....but his (old) music is
interrupted by doin's on the EntertainmentTron - it's Booker T
hotwiring his Smokin' Skull truck! "Yeah, just like ridin' a bike!
It's on, baby!" T peels out and drives off - Austin walks after him
(why? He ain't gonna CATCH UP TO A TRUCK) Wait a minute.....so the
BROTHA .... JACKS UP TRUCKS? I think I'm offended! THE ROCK comes out - he's probably tired (and a little bit
jealous) of the crowd using AUSTIN's catchphase in HIS
segment. "Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa, but before you come up here and kiss it,
the Rock just wants to make one point very clear, you see, it's not
just ANY ass...this is the People's Ass!" I think Billy Gunn is
crying backstage. Christian with the perpendicular backbreaker - 1, 2, JUST SAY NO
TO "YOU ARE THERE" SHOTS OF THE VAN DAM CROTCH. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long says "one minute" so I have a feeling
Christian'll kick out - 1, 2, yeah. How 'bout that. Ooh, don't make him point to his patch! What do you MEAN, you're urinating nitrogen today? U P N -
Thursday! LAST MONDAY: Go read the RAW report - and imagine what it's like
if they mute out every utterance of the word "ass" - that's your set
of clips Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda actually does a big frisk job to make
sure Regal has no knux on him - holy crap, somebody's FINALLY
thinking out there! Edgecution - 1, 2, 3! BOTH MEN WERE LEGAL OWWWWWW HAVE MERCY
CHIODA FOR REF OF THE YEAR (3:38) Man, you sure can tell when it's a TV-PG show, can't you?
"Keister!" "Buttocks!" "Rear end!" "BUTT!" AND...how come TNN can
air the "fuck" but has to pixellate out the boobies? Angle lets loose with the hysterics..."That's a good one, Mr.
McMahon! You're funny!" ...commentators will be quick to tell us
Angle's kissin' butt. Tell us ABOUT A HUNDRED TIMES. THEN TEST WOTSITOLLA BOOTS HEBNER!!! Yeah! Now THAT is how a man
with IMMUNITY acts! THE BUTT (I can't POSSIBLY say "ass" - it's still the first hour,
after all...even if Rock doesn't know it - and even if I've already
dropped the f-bomb twice in this paragraph, hmmmmm) makes his
entrance at this point. Good job by the people normally leaving those plot holes open,
that. (So why damn them with faint praise?) Oh...well, sorry again,
then. Some oddly familiar music hits...it's the return of RIKASHMONEY!
Hey, the Rock's finally paying him back for running down Austin for
him! MOMENTS AGO! Rikishi backed it up - give it two angles, but make
'em both WIDE Cole runs down how this match came about, saying in essence that
the vignette they'd taped either (a) sucked or (b) had to be cut to
fit in the asskissin' segment. Jackie took exception to Crash
wishing Trish luck back on Monday, and Crash said something about it
only being a girl's match, and said she was acting all gay about it,
and then he probably said something unkind about black chicks, and
then.....no, no, he probably didn't do any of that. Don't worry, fans - right after we left for the ad break, I think
Faarooq probably must have said "Damn." Sadly, Bradshaw did not perform a fallaway slam in this
match. If Sharmell keeps her brow furrowed like that, she's gonna get
crow's feet!!! JERICHO TAPS!! (8:01) Post-match, Angle hits the ring and throws
a tantrum about his partner tapping out - he picks up Jericho -
OLYMPIC SLAM ON JERICHO!!! Angle leaves the ring. THEN, and I
couldn't believe it myself, Tim White gives Jericho a BIG SPLASH!
And THEN a hot dog vendor hops the barricade and gives Jericho a
MOONSAULT! And THEN Yokozuna comes back from the dead and gives
Jericho a BANZAI DROP! And finally, Vampiro - yes, even Vampiro
comes out...and spikes Jericho with the NAIL IN THE COFFIN. Man,
when *Vampiro* makes you his bitch....and that's the end of THAT
chapter! But let's look back in the ring... Can I just say something here? After the 9.8.99 RAW, there was a
percentage of us - something like a HUNDRED percent - that were
ready to see Chris Jericho with the WWF Championship on, say,
10.8.99...so you'll have to forgive me if I don't jump on board that
"worst outcome possible" bandwagon and actually manage to root for
Jericho for 2.3 years after the rest of the world apparently gave up
on him. I mean, GEEZ - this is EXACTLY what we wanted! JERICHO!
HEEL! CHAMPION! YOU! SHUT UP! The crowd boos through the countdown, boos at the pyro, boos at
the mere SIGHT of Jericho, boos during his concerted walk down the
aisle, boos when he poses on the apron before entering the
ring...man, I don't know about you, but I smell MONEY! Spike with a pescado - ohhh THERE'S NO FAIR CATCH IN THE XFL but
Taker has him - and that's Dudley's spine meeting the ringpost.
Whoa, Ross called it the Tree of Woe! Is Kevin Sullivan on his
way? Is his father whispering in Taker's ear? (Probably not.)
Oh no! Kane is so distraught over not winning the tag team titles
that he's back on the Beefaroni! "Mr. McMahon is a man of CLASS - he does not deserve THIS - to
have his face nearly engulfed, nearly swallowed by this
stench-filled ANUS" [he's been on Delphi?] Referee "Blind" Brian Webber starts a count - is it just me or is
Angle not coming back? WOW! (COR 2:01) That's some good heelin'
there. Rikishi - Rikishi has a hat! RIKISHI IS DANCING WITH HIS HAT ON!
OH MAN Rikishi clothesline - Angle flumps - Rikishi backs it up - Lawler
makes fart noises. AND HIS HAT STAYS ON!! Man, this segment ruled it for about eleven different reasons.
This just in: it was recently discovered that papers authored by
Dr. L. L. Zamenhof very late in his life, long thought lost,
recently had surfaced - and in one, there was an explanation that
yes, there indeed WAS a single Esperanto word invented to describe
the "absence of any semblance of life" - and that word...I don't
have to tell you....turns out to be "GUNDAM" WWF Shop Zone Dot Com ad - no Steve Blackman merchandise
available. I dunno, if *I* were D-Von, I'd have said "the hell you talking
about? ME take care of the Rock and YOU take care of Trish? FUK
DAT!" Regal finds a pair of brass knuckles under the timekeeper's table
(man, those things are EVERYWHERE) and puts 'em on. Ross works in "malfunction at the junction" but doesn't say "Ed
Whalen." MATT HARDY v. CHEATA & JEFF HARDY in a "please get all your
girly squealing out of the way" handicap match - Meanwhile, Lita is attempting to emote in the corner. Why are the commentators talking about Matt dumping her on
national television as if they're aware there are cameras back
there? Man, I'm *cornfused* - why are they playing JEFF'S music when
MATT won? So long, Lance. Back to the Internet commentary circuit with you!
(2:37) Hilarity fails to ensue. "WWF Desire" spotlights Triple H, set to "Beautiful Day" by U2.
This segment is a recapper's DREAM, 'cause all *I* have to type is a
beautiful nine character word known in Esperanto as FUHFUHWID
Door open and Austin is.....incredibly stupid, because he turns
back when Jericho flips him the double bird (Aha! So JERICHO is the
one guy watching "Excess!" This is St. Valentine's Day Massacre all
over again!) After a thorough search of Regal by referee "Blind" Mike
Chioda...Kurt Angle passes him the pair of brass knux. Man, heels
can be so CRAFTY sometimes. Raise the roof yo raise the roof yo got my wedgie goin'...but
Regal makes the save. Gundam - Level 0 - only make fun of it One more thumbs up - through the ropes and away - Torrie makes
her "I want to fuck him!" smile after him. I hope Sonic is paying them good money for all these mentions.
Test makes Earl Hebner flinch - oh, look, Hebner's in another
Test match. HMMM. Hebner responds by pointing to his WWF patch.
STALEMATE...WELL PLAYED, HEBNER. MOMENTS AGO! Look at all those Security personnel just standing
by while Austin goes to work! Wow, I'm just SAILING through this. Being lazy RULES! See, THIS match came about because.....somebody threw some darts?
Oops, Cole said "RAW is WAR." He's fired. Vince's cel rings - oh man this must be one of those MAGIC phones
because now we can hear Booker T's voice on the other end! "I could have taken that sucka straight outta the game" - then he
proceeds to tells Vince EXACTLY WHERE HE IS. Dummy....well, wait.
Maybe he didn't know he was talking to the MAGIC phone and the
entire world was listening? "Vince, I think I just saw Austin's truck...I gotta go." Geez,
couldn't Vince afford to send out Lance Wright in the ECW
helicopter? "Hugh Morris" says "Do I think there's something special about
the holiday season? Yes! Because when else can you get the tooth
fairy to put money underneath your pillow?" Then he looks
CONFUSED...ha ha, he's a wacky one. (Also, he's unemployed - oops)
Whoa, it's MAGIC! We can hear the other end of the phone again!
Wait, I GOT IT - Vince must have a microphone planted in his SKULL
and THAT'S how we can hear the phone when HE'S talking but we
COULDN'T hear it when *Flair* was on the phone. Wow, I sure am glad
I figured this out! What's up with that BOD ad? It's totally for gay guys, right?
...right? (Maybe the gay guys can help me out again - do I still
have gay readers?) Austin puts the 12 pack in Booker's lap (he's still in the cart)
and rolls him on - now we're in Aisle 5. I wonder how many aisles
this store has. Booker is crying like a BITCH. Man, the tea is RIGHT THERE but Austin passes up THAT joke.
MR. JERICHO and AWESOMETAKER (on his Beautiful Bourget Python
Bike - with Final Fantasy X presents Royal Rumble!) v. ROB VAN DAM
and THE ROCK - Wow, how prestigious is it to be Undisputed champion
when you still have to enter first out of these four? Taker can't believe van Dam just pinned the Undisputed
champ...I'm not sure WHY. I mean, which of these four guys would YOU
think does the job? Maybe he can't believe Rock didn't get the pin.
Well anyway, Jericho has another trickle of blood, Taker is busy
making Tackleberry faces, Rock and van Dam have arms raised on the
ramp, credits are up and I'm done halfassing it for today. BYE!
"So's your mother!" Man, Taker's a SUPREME entertainer. Taker glares at ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA - "what're YOU
lookin' at?" Taker'll talk to ANYBODY out there. Six flavours of AWESOME. During the Break, Matt Hardy was on his cel phone trying to get
an update on the condition of Lita...oh, and Jeff too...then packing
up and leaving (presumably, he'll be RUNNING to Louisiana) Oh, I'm not typing audience "What?"s anymore - you can probably
figure out where they go yourself. T hit his rental and took off...leaving Austin to climb in HIS
truck and follow. Damn, T should have slashed a tire or something.
JESUS CHRIST BOOKER DON'T TELL THE WORLD WHERE YOU ARE AGAIN YOU
IDIOT Exactly what I expected...I'm starting to think my expectations
are too low these days. Christian taps for good measure - well PRAISE THE LORD Tazz got
his head back. Play his music! If I make one more Gundam joke, Santa is getting me one for
Christmas...so I'll stop. Until Christmas, at least. Bingo - hahahahaha - this makes me think of ECW - well, it
doesn't actually but I think you're EXPECTING me to say that, and
sometimes I like to meet your expectations, so... ("Hey, did you see Booker flip an "N" when the number called was
a "B?") Oh, and YOU call ME 'geek.' Man, you ever watch an ad for the first time and IMMEDIATELY know
you're NEVER gonna watch the show it's advertising? HelLO,
Conspiracy Zone with Kevin Nealon." Now, if they'd have called it
"The Mullet Zone..." Rolled back in as referee "Blind" Tim White counts "5," making
him the SLOWEST COUNTING REF ON EARTH. Rock looks to let up - "no problem" - and offers the Hand of
Friendship. The only two people on this planet buying THAT are Jim
Ross...and Lance Storm. "You want the videotape?" "Yes, my child. Just send the
tape...and you will be safe." "Okay...everything's going to be all
right after that?" "Everything will be fine." "Okay." Geez, won't
she notice the address is in Houston? MR. JERICHO makes his way to the ring - I guess he's tired of all
these shenanigans not involving him and needs to get back on the
radar. This is more exciting than it sounds...but not much. Lawler asks what experience Flair has as the head of a wrestling
organisation...I guess he didn't know Flair was CEO of WCW or
somethin'. Here come THE ROCK to say a few words and/or show off his BIG,
BIG belt buckle. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Nawlins!" Where's Lash LeRoux
when you need him? [I hate it when they talk about local stuff I have to look up in
order to spell - that's TWICE this week] Take a look at the exterior of the Arena! It's...an arena!
If you don't believe Undertaker's a heel, perhaps this Special
Video Look will help you out Yikes, what a NOTHING segment. I mean, even more than normal!
Hardy clutches his larynx as Taker reclaims his title belt.
Replay is good 'n' graphic - from two angles. If they can't get him
booed NOW, they might as well give up. (Hell, I like him either way,
but that's just me.) Backstage, Hardy is about to be loaded into the ambulance...but
not before getting a visitor. "Hey, boy! On this trip to the
hospital you're getting ready to make, I want you to ask yourself
one question......was the (beep) really worth it?" OHHHHHHHHHHHH
SNAP I wonder what Sara thinks of this (no, I don't) off goes the
ambulance... Q: Why is Flair laughing at a TV that isn't even on? A: Senile
UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: MR. JERICHO (with EARLIER
TONIGHT!) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - Champ enters first because
Flair is SCREWING WITH HIM - Jericho, with no time to prepare, still
wears his funny pants out to the ring. WILL BIG SHOW FINALLY REGAIN
HIS RIGHTFUL PLACE AS THE STANDARDBEARER AND FLAGSHIP OF THE WORLD
WRESTLING FEDERATION? (Probably not, no.) Hey, remember when Giant
was protecting Jericho as part of an NWO joke? Me either. ARE YOU SHITTING ME IT'S THE BIG BOSS MAN and HE's got a chair in
hand - WHACK! TONIGHT: God help us all, it's Torrie Wilson vs. Stacy Keibler in
an "Egg Nog Match" Unfortunately, Angle is NOT wearing his traditional Santa
hat. I note that Billy Gunn has ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST in watching her
shake it. Trish Stratus is nicely oiled up for our benefit. Flair fails to recognise Torrie as his son's woman, telling
Tajiri he may have the greatest helper of them all. Palumbo and Gunn exchange gifts - each man has gotten the other a
headband with the other's name on it. OH I GET IT THEY'RE GAAAAAAAY
NOW. Time now for my own Christmas present to myself - I'm not
recapping this match. Merry Christmas, you get to listen to "I Got It All" TWICE!
I'll type the list, you say "What?" at every comma: UP NEXT: It'll be TIME TO MASTURBATE Line I don't normally use in match recaps: "Golly, I sure want to
be Chad Patton right now." Oh, and I should make a "catfight/egg nog" joke. (Note to self:
come back later and make "catfight/egg nog" joke) Geez, every time a woman undoes her garments, we take her out of
the shot! Bah! Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley is here. "Let me talk to you a little
bit later about this. You'll be fine." HOLY COW SHE'S AS BIG AS A
HORSE It has been MONTHS since Maven won the Tough Enough Championship
- he STILL doesn't have any GEAR? Come ON. You know what, Boss Man looks pretty good. I'm probably the only
guy that likes HIM, too. Bubba up to the second rope - DON'T DO IT IT NEVER WORKS EVEN ON
CHRISTMAS EVE - Bubba bows - senton - go figure - MISSES. Kane wastes another four cans of Beefaroni he could have put in
the "Feed the Homeless this Christmas" bin - SHAME Everybody's left Vince's party as Mae Young has stripped down to
her...unmentionables. Now I know why they call 'em that. Look, it's almost 2002 - is there ANY chance we'll see the "Y2J"
moniker fall by the wayside ANY time soon? Rock pokes Hebner with his boot but he ain't comin' back to life.
Raw Zone credits, special holiday WWF logo, MERRY CHRISTMAS
EASTER BUNNY! CLUCK CLUCK! KMAX is giving away motocross tix to people who register for the
contest during SmackDown! I'm not doubting the *existence* of a
crossover audience between the WWF and the IFMA, but I'm definitely
not a part of it. Mr. McMahon happens upon Chad Patton and Perry Saturn (who isn't
bleaching his facial hair any more). McMahon sends Patton to tell
Flair that he better find a way to make his monitor work, as he's
about to go out and address the crowd. For Saturn....a handshake -
hey, thanks for showing up tonight, Perry! Wow, you get the feeling that somebody on the writing staff
"discovered" this great NEW ending called the countout and they
liked it SO much that they started making sure they used it ONCE A
SHOW-- well, perhaps I'm exaggerating. Still, you get the idear.
And now Christian takes a stinkface for Canada. Angle busts a move - well, maybe a quarter of a move. Pot/Kettle/Black comment of the week from Cole: "They could be in
Revenge of the Nerds, Part VIII!" Backstage, Trish Stratus stretches - she wants you to look down
her shirt! Women's title on the line NEXT! Taker grabs a plastic garbage can and uses it (hey! There was
TRASH in that!) Catch the WWF - LIVE! In a week, SmackDown! is live in
Washington! Also, Moncton, Fredericton, St. John and MONCTON!
MONCTON! I just like saying MONCTON! WE ROCK THE MONCTON COLISEUM!
MOMENTS AGO! Taker choked out Tajiri....then ran away from Big
Show. Also moments ago, I typed MONCTON! with great amusement
Curiously, Stephanie is filmed from the waist up, with her left
arm covering the area underneath her rack....hmmm, perhaps because
SHE'S BIG AS A HORSE GUYS. UP NEXT: You know what? MONCTON! Yeah, it's nice that Boss Man's dropped some weight, but he
should probably go back to the flak jacket since sweating right
through a dress shirt looks a little....well, uncivilised. Christopher Robin Zimmerman Comment about this monstrosity in Wienerville |
BLAH |
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