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/22 November 2000
Battlebots by E.C. Ostermeyer




The Quest for the Giant Nut is one step closer to completion.
Six go in.
Three come out.
Three get scrapped.

This is the Battlebots report for Wednesday, 22 November 2000, and I'm your recapper, ol' "Rivetz" Ostermeyer.

"I left my-y-y hear-r-r-t... In old Fort Mason-n-n-n..."
See? I sound just like Tony Bennett.
If you squint real hard.

We have three Semifinal matches tonight, one in the Middleweight Division, one in the Heavyweight Division, and one real brawl in the Superheavyweight Division.
Your hosts are "out-on-an-ESPN-furlough" Sean Salisbury, and "My-mommy-dressed-me-today" Bill Dwyer.
And no, you are not seeing double, that's Randy and Jason Sklar doing the floor work, along with the fiercely erotic ex-"Baywatch"-ian, Donna D'Errico.
Nye comma Bill, the Guy comma Science, is here in his capacity as Fifth Degree Black Belt of TechSpeak.

Ever wonder what this show would be like if ECW's Joey Styles and Joel Gertner were doing the play-by-play?

We've got the Middleweights up first, as Super Orbiting Force tries to lower the boom, (and it's attached 14" carbide buzzsaw blade) on the "Lawnmower from Hell", Hazard.

Bill D. recaps how SOF got here, doing a nasty "flossing job" on a whirling dervish o' doom named Blade Runner. Hazard's 68-lb. chrome-molybdenum steel blade turned wooden StompBot Pegleg into sawdust. Then, Team Delta's hellish creation had it's hands full in defeating Turtle RoadKill.

Biopic of Team Delta's Dan Danknick and Tony Buchighani, Hazard's designers, show the 'Bot being road-tested out behind the Netaphore Software building in Los Angeles. "Lots of open space and concrete walls to absorb any shrapnel," says Dan, smugly.
First sacrificial victim to feel Hazard's bite is an old shopping cart. Next is a Commodore 64 monitor that just explodes all over God and creation after Hazard chops an eight-inch gash in it.
(Note: check out Hazard's road test videos at Team Delta's website,
"You get to do what your parents told you never to do," says Dan.
"You don't get punished for breaking your friends' toys in this," says Tony. "You get rewarded!"

Bill Nye's got the skinny on Super Orbiting Force's primary weapon system. Michel winter's built a half-meter spinning carbide steel blade into the end of a 6061 aircraft-grade aluminum actuator arm. Guaranteed to knock your opponent's 'Bot right out of the BattleBox.

Mark Beiro's got the intros for

Match #1: Super Orbiting Force (MW113) v. Hazard (MW114), Middleweight Division Semifinal.

The match opens with SOF zooming out of the starting box, and going right after Hazard. The trick here seems to be to keep Hazard's "Lawnmower O' Doom" primary weapon from spinning up to full RPM. Hazard's trying to get inside the reach of SOF's nasty buzzsaw. SOF uses its goalpost-like drive sponsons to corral it's prey, but Hazard's pretty quick in it's own right, and manages to land a quick jab or two before scuttling away. SOF's arm droops slightly, causing the whirling buzzsaw to stop abruptly, which can't be good for it's blade mount. Whoops, hazard zips in and scores a glancing swipe on SOF's actuator arm, ripping a drive motor out of it's housing. Another swipe, and the motor's spinning on the arena floor. Not to worry, though, SOF's designer Michael Winter has a redundant second drive motor built in, so the buzzsaw still works. A Slam by Hazard pins SOF's right arm under the arena's SpikeStrips. Hazard picks up some serious Slam points here, as SOF can only spin it's buzzsaw impotently, as Winter tries to extricate it from it's predicament.
Hazard comes to the rescue with yet another Slam that inadvertently knocking SOF loose. Hazard zips under the outstretched arm of SOF, and Slams it into the safety railing on the other side of the arena.
Yikes! As Hazard pulls back for another run, SOF's buzzsaw rakes down the thin Lexan carapace, nearly tearing into the gel pack batteries beneath. Hazard zooms back inside for some more damage to SOF's left drive train, and gets the buzzsaw again in the process.
Undeterred, Hazard high-ports SOF and strands it atop the safety railing, immobilizing it.
SOF's not stranded for log, however, as Michael Winter drops the buzzsaw blade onto the floor, using it to pull the 'Bot out of danger. The crowd's just cheering like mad as SOF charges back into the fray.
Sparks fly as SOF starts chewing on Hazard's secondary weapon, a trailing wedge.
"I LOVE SPARKS!" hollers Dwyer.
Hazard continues to push SOF across the arena one last time as the buzzer sounds, ending the match.


Spin Orbiting Force scored 7 Slams and 8 Jabs.
Hazard scored 6 Slams, 5 Jabs, and 3 Hazard Damage, along with being the aggressor for most of the match.

Your winner by judges' decision, and advancing to face Grant Imahara's Deadblow for the Middleweight Division championship: Hazard (3:00)

Post-match, Donna D'Errico chats with Dan Danknick and Tony Buchighani of Team Delta. Tony says that the blade's drive motor broke on impact, so they have to replace it with a new one. Donna congratulates Team Delta on their win. Dan and Tony smile indulgently.


We are down in the pits with Jason Sklar, who gives an update on the status of the "Pride of Oxford, UK", Killerhurtz. In tangling with the Tilford family's "Perfect Storm", the aptly-named Mauler, Killerhurtz lost both it's primary weapons system, a nasty battleaxe, as well as it's backup weapon, a lifting wedge. Killerhurtz is currently getting a reinforcement to it's Lexan front glacis, and will have to rely on its speed and agility to win the next match.

Match #2: Killerhurtz (HW205) v. Voltarc (HW210), Heavyweight Division Semifinal.

The 'Box is locked, the lights are on...
It's Robot Fightin' Time!

Killerhurtz's superior speed can't compensate much for it's total lack of an offensive weapon system. As such, it has to rely on Muhammad Ali-like stick'n'moves to score it's points.
However, one "point" not taken into consideration is the carbide steel "tooth" on Voltarc's lifting arm. All it takes is one good slide under Killerhurtz's Lexan skirting, and Voltarc's got it's opponent landed like a trophy bass.
Once on the hook, it then becomes a simple matter to drag Killerhurtz over the nearest set of arena KillSaws for some extensive, (and I do mean EXTENSIVE!) Hazard Damage. Lexan may be tough, but a pair of high-speed KillSaws are a lot tougher. Killerhurtz starts losing body parts faster than a Frank Perdue oven-stuffer. One last shove by Voltarc into the arena SpikeStrips almost seems like adding insult to injury, as the buzzer sounds.

Voltarc scored 4 Jabs, 4 Slams, and 5 Hazard Damage points.
Killerhurtz, a game 'Bot to the end, managed to score 3 Jabs and 3 Hazard Damage points.

The winner, and advancing to the Heavyweight Championship finals, (there to do battle with the defending champ, Vlad the Impaler): Voltarc (3:00).

Post-match, Randy Sklar's got Team Voltarc's Stephen Felk, who says it felt great pinning one on Killerhurtz. Felk praised the Killerhurtz team for their great driving skills and a good match. Randy says that Team Voltarc is one step closer to the Nut.


Our final match of the evening pits two stars of the Superheavyweight Division. It's treads versus treads as the buzzsaw-armed Ronin squares off against the enormous S7- grade tool steel pneumatic battering ram of DoAll.
Bill Dwyer recaps how each of our contestants reached the semifinals.
Ronin dissected a hassock-like Odin, then withstanding the zillion buzzsaws of Ginsu.
DoAll demolished the whirling hatbox S.L.A.M., then was all over the stingray-like Rhino.

Biopic of DoAll's creator, Scott LaValley.
"Novato California looks nice enough, but every town has it's dirty little secrets," says an oily Bill Dwyer.
Several sound bites from Scott's friends and acquaintances paint a picture of a studious, quiet individual that you don't want to cross.
"You sometimes wonder if it's the way he wants it, or the way somebody else wants it," says a colleague.
"He's always been a ...very good kid," says Scott's grandma.
Scott, we learn, likes things that explode. "It's all part of thinking out of the box," says Mr. LaValley.

Match #3: DoAll (SHW312) v. Ronin (SHW307), Superheavyweight Division Semifinal.

Mark Beiro's got the intros once again.

Lock 'em up, and light 'em up!
It's Robot Fightin' Time!

Both these tracked monsters come crashing together like a couple of dinosaurs slugging it out over a carcass.
DoAll gets in the first blow, with a shot from it's pneumatic ram that impacts on Ronin's buzzsaw housing.
With the ramrod fully extended, DoAll charges right at Ronin once again, using it's own 300+ pounds to provide the extra punch. Impact is on the buzzsaw housing once again. A third whack, and Ronin's having problems with it's primary weapon. Ronin's designer/operator Peter Abrahamson's trying to get some sort of offense started, as DoAll charges in once again. This time the ramming blow is so powerful that it skewers one of Ronin's skirting spikes into the arena safety railing, and Ronin's just dangling there trying to get free.
Ronin's treads aren't moving, something that the referee finally notices, and begins the "Immobilzation Eight Count." Abrahamson finally manages to wiggle Ronin free, but not soon enough, as the referee's count reaches eight and he stops the match.

Your winner by Battlebot knockout, and advancing to the Superheavyweight Division finals (there to face Christian Carlberg's Minion): DoAll (1:42)

DoAll scored 7 Slams, 3 Jabs, and 5 Hazard Damage.
Ronin got in 3 Jabs with it's buzzsaw before getting counted out.

Post-match, Donna D'Errico congratulates Scott LaValley on his victory.
"Was the match everything you expected?" asks D'Errico
"Pretty much," says LaValley.

Dwyer and Salisbury recap tonight's action.
We are one show away from the finals, where three lucky victors are going to get their Giant Nuts.
Oops, that didn't come out right.
Nor did that one!

Hit of the Week is Hazard chopping the buzzsaw motor off Super Orbiting Force's actuator arm.

Thou shalt not build, operate or destroy a Battlebot without being properly supervised by an adult.
Whether or not the adult could be considered "responsible" is still open to question.

Next up: the Finals in the Middleweight, Heavyweight, and Superheavyweight Divisions.

See you back here for more


E.C. Ostemeyer
[slash] wrestling

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission