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/wrestling /Battlebots /29 November 2000 |
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/wrestling /Battlebots /29 November 2000 |
| Battlebots by E.C. Ostermeyer | 29.11.0 |
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BATTLEBOTS CHAMPIONSHIP "When sparks fly, robots die!" - Bill Dwyer This is the Battlebots Championship report for Wednesday, 29 November 2000, and I'm ol' "It Came from The Sump!" Ostermeyer. Tonight, the Quest for the Giant Nut ends, as six 'Bots square off to determine who's the baddest badass 'Bot on the planet. They do it for the satisfaction of a job well done, the cheers of a delighted crowd, $5000 in used bills, and a trophy massive enough to cause a hernia. Your hosts are ESPN's own Sean Salisbury, and Bill "Of COURSE the 'Miami Vice 'look is back in!" Dwyer (Dammit, you have mispelled "Bil" ALL FRICKEN SEASON - I can be silent no longer! - CRZ). Contrary to popular belief, Randy and Jason Sklar are not the advance scouts of the Emperor's Sardaukar Terror Legion, but merely twin harmless floor reporters. Well, mostly harmless. Donna D'Errico's looking for a cheap buy on a used Battlebot for her nephew's Christmas. Bill Nye, The Science Guy is busy taking pictures to sell to the North Koreans. First up is the Middleweight Championship bout between Team Delta's whirling dervish o' doom, Hazard, and the Perfect Master of the "Hunt 'n' Peck," Deadblow. We get a short biopic on Deadblow's creator, Grant Imahara. Grant works for George Lucas at Industrial Light & Magic, and has even been known to play See Threepio when actor Anthony Daniels couldn't. C'mon, Grant. Say "..."you'll be malfunctioning in a week, you near-sighted scrap-pile!" As for Team Deadblow, Imahara says his strategy is "maximum aggression. Keep ramming and causing damage with the spike." Footage of Deadblow chopping up first round opponent Alien Gladiator, then destroying quarterfinal opponent Pressure Drop with a record-setting 112 Jabs. Close-up shot of Deadblow's titanium warhammer. Match #1: Deadblow (MW114) v. Hazard (MW114), Middleweight Division Finals. Lock 'em up, and light 'em up... Its CHAMPIONSHIP robot fightin' time! Both combatants charge right into each other from the get-go, Deadblow getting in a good dozen whacks with the warhammer before zooming away. With an eerie whine, Hazard's deadly 68 lb steel blade whirls up to top speed. Suddenly, Hazard charges straight at Deadblow's starboard side. WHACK! The blade rips a huge gash in Deadblow's skirting A killing blow, it seems, as Deadblow's not moving at all. Cut to a shot of a crestfallen Grant Imahara shaking his head, and pulling in his R/C antenna. The referee does the Eight Count to Oblivion, but it's academic at this point. BattleStats: Deadblow scored 11 Jabs, 0 Slams, and 0 Hazard Damage. Hazard scored 1 Jab and that 1 massive Slam that kayo'ed his opponent. Your winner by knockout, and Battlebot Middleweight Champion, Hazard, (0:53). Instant replay slo-mo shows Hazard's blade chopping a big hole in Deadblow's power supply. Post-match, Donna D'Errico with winners Team Delta. She smells something burning. Seems Hazard burned out a bearing on the spinning up. The knockout blow was delivered at half strength! Sheesh! Commercials. The Heavyweights are up next. Team Voltarc's Stephen Felk gets the "Pulp Fiction" treatment. What has robot combat taught him? "It's taught me how stupid I am, " says Felk with a grin. Brief recap shows Voltarc smashing bender into the arena SpikeStrips, then dragging quarterfinal opponent Biohazard over the KillSaws, and finally chopping up semifinal opponent Killerhurtz. Game plan to defeat defending champ Vlad the Impaler? "Vlad's got boxy sides and square corners. That's where Voltarc's going to attack." says Felk. Match #2: Voltarc (HW210) v. Vlad the Impaler (HW205) Both combatants collide in mid-arena, with Voltarc backing off to avoid Vlad's forklifter primary weapon. Another rush by Vlad is handily dodged by Voltarc. Vlad takes a KillSaw shot that doesn't do any apparent damage. Vlad backs off, and makes a sudden rush straight at Voltarc. The forklifters slide under Voltarc's front glacis, and give one quick lift. Voltarc flips completely over, with it's front skirting hanging loose Stephen Flek is trying frantically to use Voltarc's toothed lifter arm to flip the 'Bot back over, but it's just beating impotently against the arena floor. Vlad backs off, and then nails Voltarc with one more massive charge, as the referee hits the Eight Count buzzer, ending the match. "Voltarc never saw it coming," says Dwyer. BattleStats: Voltarc only got in 1 Slam, and scored no Jabs or Hazard Damage. Vlad scored 1 Jab and 3 deadly Slams. Your winner by knockout, and still Battlebot Heavyweight champion, Vlad the Impaler (1:40). Rwandy Sklar's got Team Vladmeister's Gage Cauchois and Gregg Walker. "What was your strategy?" "Well," says Cauchois, "we knew that if we could get under him and flip him over, he had no way to right himself. After we did that, I elected to play it safe, and then do a final impalement." Commercials. Tonight's final contest is a Superheavyweight slugfest between DooAll and Minion. Footage shows Minion's climb to the finals over the metal carcasses of Gray Matter, Grendel, and Rammstein. DooAll spanked S.L.A.M., pounded quarterfinal opponent Rhino, and finally disarmed and destroyed Ronin in the semifinals. Bill Nye gives the TechSpecs on DooAll's primary weapon, a nasty S7 case-hardened tool steel ramrod that's capable of disabling any 'Bot opponent. It's slip-ring commutator allows it to strike in any direction like a tank turret. "Don't rile this robot!" says Nye. Match #3: DooAll (SHW312) v. Minion (SHW325) The 'Box is locked, the lights are on... It's robot fightin' time. DooAll's sporting a trailing buzzsaw contraption. Looks like Designer/operator Scott LaValley's not leaving anything to chance when fighting Minion. Christian Carlberg's Minion lost it's primary weapon, (a fireman's rescue saw), in its first round battle with Gray Matter, forcing Carlberg to use Minion's secondary weapon, a lifting wedge, in every contest since then. Carlberg's not wasting any time here, and he charges Minion right at DooAll, slamming into it's port-side track, and ramming it into the arena SpikeStrips. DooAll recovers, only to get submarined by Minion, who's using it's wedge shape to slide all the way underneath and past it's opponent. Another submarining rush by Minion, and DooAll loses it's trailing buzzsaw contraption. Minion is definitely throwing some weight around, as it rams DooAll's torn-away buzzsaw thingie right into DooAll's primary weapon housing. DooAll's still game, and even gets in a couple of Slams against Minion's starboard side. Minion responds with a bum's rush that slams DooAll into the SpikeStrips on the far side of the arena, and knocks out the ramrod system. DooAll's on the defensive now, with no buzzsaw or ramrod, and trying to stay away from Minion's "over/under" Slams. Another massive Slam by Minion chews up a section of DooAll's starboard tread. This continues for another fifteen seconds, and the buzzer sounds, ending the match. BattleStats: Mionion scored 14 Slams, 11 jabs, and 3 hazard Damage. To DooAll's 0 Slams, 3 Jabs and 3 Hazard Damage. Your winner and Battlebot Superheavyweight Champion, Minion. Post-match, Jason & Randy Sklar are interviewing Christian Carlberg and the rest of Team coolrobots. "You had a good strategy," says Randy Sklar, "just pound him around the arena, right?" "Yep, looks like it worked for Minion," says a grinning Carlberg. "What's next for Minion, a book deal," says Jason Sklar with a laugh. "I don't know, man," says Carlberg, "I need something!" Commercials. For tonight's wrap-up, we have the presentation of the Giant Nut Trophy to each of tonight's winners. Middleweight champ Hazard from Team Delta, (Dan Danknick and Tony Buchighani.) Heavyweight champ Vlad the Impaler of Team Vladmeisters (Gage Cauchois and Gregg Walker.) Superheavyweight champ minion of Team coolrobots (Christian Carlberg et al.) This is the last Battlebots report until next season. For any of you who may have missed a show, Comedy Central will be re-running it on Tuesday nights at 10 PM. And don't forget to log on to the Battlebots site, at http://battlebots.com. I've had a ball doing these recaps, and I hope you've enjoyed reading them. See you all next season. E.C. Ostemeyer [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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