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/12 December 2000
Battlebots by E.C. Ostermeyer




(Debut episode, Part 1)

We begin a new "Quest for the Giant Nut" tonight.

This is the Battlebots 2.0 report for Tuesday, 12 December 2000, and I'm your reporter, ol' "Rivets" himself.

We've got a brand new season of "Total Robliteration," so let's get to it.

Coming to you live on tape from a brand, new venue, the All American SportPark in Las Vegas, NV.
Your hosts, as always, are Sean Salisbury, Bil Dwyer (Hey CRZ, I got it right this time!).
Floor reporters are Randy and Jason Sklar.
Donna D'Errico has found other, more productive uses for her time, so we get a new, er, face for the show's "eye candy" role, one Heidi Mark, who's jest gorgeous.
The insouciant Bill Nye, of "Science Guy" fame, is along to keep the techno-freaks happy.
The BattleBox arena here at the All American SportPark has been updated with some really nasty surprises, including spinning disks, heavier sledgehammers called "pulverisers," and a KillSaw blade system that has the saw teeth set a bit farther apart, and spinning a bit slower.
Ever been in shop class when the class doofus forgets to hold down both sides of the board going into the blade? You get the idea.

Our first match is between a Brit 'Bot, the very well-built "Bigger Brother" of Ian Watts. He's going up against, (God help us all!) the NEW Pride of Portola Valley California!
Yep, you guessed it, the Tilford family's bigger, nastier, Mauler 5150!

Short biopic, wherein our own Heidi decides to hang out with "General" Morgan Tilford, who is shown heaving a bowling ball into Mauler 5150's whirling blades. The bowling ball disintegrates in a shower of ebonite shrapnel.
Heidi takes the be-T-shirted Morgan to "231 Ellsworth," a superb restaurant, in order to "larn th' boy sum etty-kett!" Restaurant owner James Callahan shows Morgan the finer points of wine tasting. Morgan promptly eats the cork. Next comes fine dining, and Heidi's not so sure this was a good idea. Fade to a shot of Heidi and Morgan leaning out of the moon roof of a stretch limo. We then see Morgan and Heidi enjoying a bubble bath in the limo's hot tub.
"The Battlebots lifestyle!" crows Morgan. "This RULES!"

Down on the floor, Heidi also interviews Jon Watts, Bigger Brother's co-designer, who's all of 8 years old.
"So what exactly are you gonna do in the ring, Jon?"
"We're going to try to stop the other robot from spinning," says Jon, "Then we are going to flip them up and do anything we like with them, when we flip them up!"

In the background, Morgan and Pa Tilford are watching the interview. Pa Tilford cracks up over Jon's last comment.

Hey, laugh all you want, buddy, but the Brits used to run the freakin' PLANET with that same attitude!

Match #1: Mauler 5150 v. Bigger Brother, First round contest, Heavyweight Division.
Mark Beiro's got the intros down in the arena. Dwyer says that Jon's father, Ian, is an engineer for the BBC.
The box is locked, the lights are on, and

"It's robot fightin' time!"

Mauler and Bigger Brother circle each other warily, with Bigger Brother positioned with a set of KillSaws just to it's front. Mauler 5150 has been significantly upgraded from it's predecessor, with a much more powerful spin motor driving the flails, and a heavier armored carapace with better sloping. Bigger Brother spins around, and does an old demolition derby trick of BACKING into your opponent, saving any possible damage to it's lifter bar primary weapon. There's a tremendous "WHAM!" and an even bigger "Ooooohhhh!" from the crowd.
The impact with Bigger Brother broke off one of Mauler's flails, which renders the 'Bot dangerously unstable. In fact, it becomes SO unstable that it begins to gyrate wildly as the laws of Physics take over. Mauler spins up on its side like a top.
Please remember, this 'Bot weighs in excess of 200 lbs, so this is quite a feat, and the crowd's just loving it all!
Mauler starts to settle back down, but unfortunately chooses to do so right on top of the arena's new Spinner hazard. The added boost spins Mauler back up once again. The 'Bot finally spins back down, but lands on it's top this time. Mauler's operator Morgan Tilford tries to right it by increasing the spin rate on the now upside- down carapace. He's obviously hoping this will spin the Bot back up so it will land right side up. Oops, too late, as Bigger Brother shoves the wildly gyrating Mauler directly under one of the new "pulveriser" hammers, which does a good job of pulverising Mauler's undercarriage.
Bigger Brother scoots under Mauler's carcass, and re-positions it's opponent for some more pulverising. Shot of Morgan Tilford, who's just hooting with glee at the destruction being wrought.
With Mauler "turned turtle," the referee does the "Eight Count to Oblivion," and ends the match.
Shot of the Watts family celebrating their victory.
Slo-motion replay shows a sizable chunk of Mauler, one of it's flails actually, being ripped off and tossed against the 2 inch thick Lexan walls of the BattleBox arena. This unbalances the 'Bot, which flips over due to the extra push from the arena's Spinner hazard.
Winner by knockout: Bigger Brother (1:28) The referee lifts Jon Watts's hand in victory. That is one HAPPY young lad!

Bigger Brother got 3 Hits, 1 Pin, and 1 Hazards point.
Mauler scored an impressive 21 Hits, 1 Pin, and 1 Hazard point, before getting knocked silly.

Post-match, the Sklar twins have Jon Watts.
"Are you happy?
"You just scored one of the biggest upsets in Battlebots history. Are you ready to go on to the next round?"
"Are you proud of your Mom and Dad?"
"Which do you like better, your Mom or your Dad?"
Jon looks momentarily puzzled. But not for long.
"I like BOTH OF THEM!"

AS we go to commercials, we see Mauler's carcass being loaded into the back of an ambulance, and great is the woe of the Tilford family.


We've got a Superheavyweight division bout next, as Team Sinister's Mark Setrakian (of "Mechadon" fame), unveils his new metal monster, Snake. By far the largest of the BattleBots, Snake wields a nasty looking claw on one end of it's body, and an even nastier four foot drill bit on the other end. Not nice.
In addition, defending Middleweight champs Team Delta have broken into the super heavies with their ramscoop/lifter design, War Machine.
Bill Nye gets up close and personal with Snake's Mark Setrakian, who says that the Snake has just started running, and is so new, he hasn't had time to log any hours piloting his hellish contraption. Setrakian's strategy is to first pinion Snake's opponent with the claw weapon, and then ream the heck out of it with the carbide drill.
Down at arena-side Randy and Jason are with Team Delta discussing strategy. "We plan to pick one area on our opponent, and then pound on it until it breaks!"

Match #2: Snake v. War Machine, First round contest, Superheavyweight Division.

"Snake's not so much a StompBot (i.e. a 'Bot that walks,) as a "Writhe-Bot," says Bil Dwyer.
War Machine's not waiting for Snake to get into position, and rams the metal monster squarely amidships, driving it back onto the arena's SpikeStrip hazards.
Another ramming amidships by War Machine, and we've got a big cloud of smoke from Snake, plus "something" dripping onto the arena floor.
Another wallop sends Snake piling onto the SpikeStrips again, and it looks like Team Delta can just pick and choose their targets the rest of the way.
It's pretty much academic from here on, as Snake really never mounts an offensive of any kind. Indeed, it can't even defend itself from the repeated pummeling by War machine. Mercifully, the referee stops the contest.

Your winner by knockout, War Machine. (2:26)

War Machine scored 18 Hits, 1 Weapons point, and 1 Hazard point.
Snake scored 0 Hits, 1 Weapons point, and 1 Hazard point.

Post-match, Team Delta attributes their win to "power, sheer power!"

Heidi Mark asks Mark Setrakian if he creates these robots as an extension of himself?
Setrakian gives her a quizzical look.
Heidi realizes What She's Just Said and cracks up big time.


Next up is a Lightweight bout between Team Coolrobots' latest creation, the warhammer-armed Toe Crusher and Stefan Nock's buzzsaw-armed StompBot No Tolerance III. We see the Battlebot Slam Cam being lowered into No Tolerance's carapace for some real close up "Robliteration!"
Ring announcer Mark Beiro introduces the principals for tonight's lightweight bout, and we are underway.

Match #3: Toe Crusher v. No Tolerance III, First round contest, Lightweight division.

Toe Crusher comes zooming right into No Tolerance, trying to pin the StompBot against the SpikeStrips, and limit it's ability to move. No Tolerance is faster moving than most StompBots, and is able to use it's alternating three-point gait to quickly spin around and do some sawing on Toe Crusher's primary weapon. Toe Crusher scuttles away, as we get a good WAY too close look at the arena KillSaws from a 'Bot's point of view.
Toe Crusher tries to zip around to the port side of his opponent, but runs afoul of the nasty KillSaws, which flips it high in the air and halfway across the arena. We get a cameo cam shot of Bill Nye describing the updated KillSaws the new Battlebox is using, and gets so excited he nearly has an episode.
Meanwhile, No Tolerance has taken some damage to it's left front foreleg, and is hobbling pretty badly, as Toe Crusher keeps walloping away at it. Toe Crusher hooks it's warhammer into it's opponent, and begins dragging it into the KillSaws. Whoops, that was close, as the KillSaws nearly got Toe Crusher. If a pull won't work, let's try a push, and that's exactly what happens, as Toe Crusher dives underneath No Tolerance III, lifts it up, and pushes it into the KillSaws. The KillSaws do their job, sawing off a portion of the StompBot's right rear leg assembly. Toe Crusher then rams No Tolerance III into the SpikeStrip hazards, and continues to pound away with the warhammer. The left front foreleg's come completely away, effectively grounding the StompBot, though the rear legs are still working. Three more ramming attacks by Toe Crusher, and No Tolerance III is down, though it's still trying to free itself from the SpikeStrips. The match goes the distance, but Toe Crusher is clearly the winner of this bout.

(The Comedy Central folks have the victory points on the chyron reversed. Here are the correct scores.)

Toe Crusher scored 21 Hits, 1 Pin and 1 Hazard point.
No Tolerance III scored opnly 2 Hits, 1 Pin, and 1 Hazard point.

Winner by Judges' decision, Toe Crusher, (3:00)

"Just goes to show you," says Sean Salisbury, "speed kills!"

Post-match, Christian Carlberg from Team Coolrobots says that No Tolerance III was a worthy opponent, and one of the best designed StompBots he's ever seen.
Heide's with No Tolerance III's Stefan Nock, who says that Toe Crusher was aptly named, since it now has three legs and no toes left. Interestingly, No Tolerance III started out as a wheeled 'Bot, but Stefan and the rest of Team No Tolerance went with the more crowd-pleasing design of a StompBot. He's considering putting the wheels back on.

Recap of tonight's action shows the impressively-designed Snake getting an impressive walloping from War Machine, Lightweight No Tolerance III getting chopped up by Toe Crusher, and, in tonight's major upset, the Brit 'Bot Bigger Brother destroying crowd favorite Mauler 5150.

This ends Part 1 of the Battlebot 2.0 season debut.
Stay tuned for Part 2.

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

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