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| WWF Byte This! by E.C. Ostermeyer | 24.8.1 |
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This is the WWF Byte This! report for Friday, 24 August 2001, and I'm E.C. On today's show, Fink finds his way in Kansas, Droz rips a page out of Cassandra's book of prophecy, Big John from "Tough Enough" drops by with a progress report on what's left of the contestants, and Kevin Kelly's interview with Lance Storm gets some, uhhh, "outside assistance!" Opening credits. Same old, same old. We start with Kevin Kelly, by his lonesome again, who launches into a spiel about today's guest being Lance Storm, who had a great week, starting with his great match at SummerSlam, and capped it with his new angle with the Rock. Kelly gives an update on Jeff Hardy's condition, after the bad bump he took falling off the ladder through a table. Hardy should be able to wrestle soon, so don't worry. The folks who SHOULD worry are the Alliance, since Monday's "Raw is War" will see the first Alliance v. Alliance matchup since Booker T took on Buff Bagwell. Rob Van Dam will defend the WWF Hardcore Title against Raven. Over to Howard Finkel, live on the phone from tonight's house show in Topeka, KS. Fink corrects Kelly by saying that they are actually in Wichita, KS. Kelly thanks Fink for correcting him, and asks the Fink's thoughts on Austin/Angle at SummerSlam. Fink says that both Angle and Austin were at the top of their game in their match at SummerSlam. "Austin walked that rough road with all his injuries for so long, but at SummerSlam, he reached the end of that long hard road. He's back, he's in top form, and he proved it. As for Angle, nobody has risen as far or as fast as he has in so short a time. Their match was one for the ages." Kelly goes on to discuss the Chris Jericho vs. Rhyno match, saying that they had some "technical difficulty" when a top rope turnbuckle stay shattered, and Jericho slipped off the top rope. Fink says that he couldn't see what happened from where he was sitting, but that they did some precautionary medical work on Jericho to make sure he was in good shape, and he was. Discussion shifts to last Monday's Raw show, Stephanie's, ummm, "unique" singing voice, and Kurt Angle's dousing the "Steve Austin Appreciation" festivities with milk. On to Smackdown, where Kelly says that the Denver crowd was the hottest one he's seen yet. Fink agrees, saying that the WWF fans just seem to rise to the occasion when they know the WWF is coming to town. "The wrestlers arrive at the airport," says Fink, " and they are met by a welcoming committee composed, not of limos or the Mayor, but the fans, who know when the WWF superstars are going to arrive, and come out to meet the plane. I remember when the superstars flew in, got off the plane, and just did their thing. Now, the fans are there ready to rub off the superstars' popularity. This speaks volumes about the WWF fan base." Talk shifts to the big Powerball Lottery, after which Fink says he will be back on Byte This! in person next week Next up, Darren Drozdov joins the show for his "Droz's Two Cents" segment, (which gets a plug from Kelly), in which he reviews this past week's goings on in the WWF. Droz opens with his characterization of the Austin/Angle match at SummerSlam as being an "I Need A Transfusion" match. "Three Stunners on Angle and he still came back," says Droz, "Angle had the match won, but he didn't deserve to win by DQ, he should have had the pinfall. What a heartbreak! But he got his revenge on the Alliance by ruining the "Austin Appreciation Night." Discussion shifts to the Rock's "Booker Wee" skit, which Droz just loved, though he was puzzled that the Denver crowd didn't seem to be as into it as he was. "The guy looked like Booker, right down to the hairdo, just in miniature form," says Droz. Jeff Hardy's condition and how he got that way is the next topic. Droz says that when Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam get in the ring, they both go all out. "It is unbelievable the punishment they put their bodies through," says Droz, "and Jeff's going through a table after falling from that distance is proof of that. It's good to see him up and walking around; that's a good sign." Kelly remarks on the new policy about stopping a match if a serious injury situation occurs. Droz says that it should help prolong careers. "RVD was trying to move the table out of the way," says Droz, "no one wants to see their opponent get seriously injured out there.' Kelly says that we may have seen the first cracks in the Alliance's foundation with the squabbling that has started among their wrestlers. Droz likes it, saying that we've seen WWF vs. WWF and WWF vs. Alliance matches. Now it's time to see Alliance vs. Alliance. Kelly says that the first of those matches looks to be RVD defending his WWF Hardcore Title against Raven and it's scheduled for Monday's Raw. "I wonder what kind of fallout we can expect within the Alliance as a result of that match?" asks Kelly. Droz says we will have fallout for sure, especially after the way Austin was acting in the ring; it can only be good for the WWF wrestlers and WWF fans. Droz leaves the show, after Kelly gives him another plug for his "Droz's Two Cents" column over at WWFdotcom. Next up, we get Big John, the talent coordinator from the "Tough Enough" show. Kelly asks if he's really Big Van Vader, to which Big John laughs, and replies "No, I'm not!" Kelly asks Big John to describe what his duties were on Tough Enough. John says that he was responsible for weeding through 200-300 applicants to find the thirteen contestants for the Tough Enough show. Then, he had to lead those thirteen through the experience, the physical challenges they could expect, and then act as a judge. Kelly remarks that the whole process has a great deal of emotion associated with it, and the emotion has even affected some of the trainers, like Al Snow and Jackie. Big John says that there has never been a reality show where the people involved are faced with such difficulty and physical hardship that they are willing to walk away from their dreams. "Think about it," says Big John, " we've only cut two people. The others walked because they couldn't hack it anymore. It's a testament to professional wrestlers and sports entertainment." Kelly briefly recaps last night's show, where Chris walked away, saying that he didn't have the passion for it anymore. "Was his saying that a cop-out?" asks Kelly. Big John says that he doesn't know if it was a cop-out or not. "Chris worked real hard to get that far in the competition. Facing the likes of Tazz and Al Snow in the ring is always difficult, and Chris worked real hard at it. But, in the end, he had to walk away. "I had a talk with all the remaining contestants, to make sure of their mindset and frame of mind," says Big John. Kelly asks if the half-hour format limits what we see, and what moment should we have seen that didn't make the show? Big John says that there will be a boxed set of the show that will include a lot of the unseen footage from the show. "We are trying to show just how difficult sports entertainment is," Says Big John. "MTV, on the other hand, is trying to show the interpersonal relationships between these kids. I don't know if they have accomplished all that they wanted to." Kelly asks what's next for the Tough Enough crew? Big John says that the five finalists, Chris, Taylor, Nidia, Maven, and Josh will be hosting Monday's Raw party with Al Snow this Monday night from WWF New York. The last show will be live from New York, airing September 20th. Everyone is excited about it. The rumors of a second season of Tough Enough are just that: nothing has been finalized yet. Kelly asks about the different styles of training that we've seen from Tazz and Al Snow. Big John says that there isn't time for the kids to differentiate between styles; they have too much to do each day. The one thing that both Al Snow and Tazz have instilled into the contestants is that this is business and work, and that nothing would interfere with that. Kelly thanks Big John for coming on the show, and tells him to stop by anytime with more updates from "Tough Enough." Lance Storm getting the "People's Elbow" from Booker Wee gets the "Pulp Fiction" treatment this week. This sets up Lance Storm joining the show. Kelly says it's time to get serious for a minute. Lance Storm's career includes being the two-time ECW Tag Team Champion. Upon his joining WCW, he held THREE Title belts at one time! Kelly asks, "Was there a part of Lance Storm that secretly wanted to be a WWF superstar?" We hear, from off stage: "STOP! STOP! What the hell kind of question is THAT?"" "What in the he-... how'd YOU get in here?!" cries Kelly, in what sounds like abject terror. "That's the kind of lead-off question you are going to use for your interview with Lance STORM? Thank GOD the Alliance keeps tabs on the goings-on on WWF Byte This!" Paul Heyman arrives on the set. He's wearing the new Stone Cold Steve Austin hockey jersey, and he tosses another one right into Kelly's face with a growled "Here, put this on! NOW!" Kelly's worst nightmare is about to come true, as he struggles into the jersey. Making a face as he does so. "Welcome to the show, Paul..." begins Kelly, lamely. "Yeah, yeah, welcome to the show, right," says Heyman, who promptly ignores Kelly's presence with a: "Lance, I apologize for the inane opening question that you have been subjected to on this show." "Well, I kind of expected it," says Storm. "Hey...!" says Kelly. "Put on the shirt!" "All right, all right, you just make me nervous," says Kelly. "Nervous, hah? Heh heh heh," says Heyman with an evil laugh, as he returns to interviewing Lance Storm. "Lance, " asks Heyman, "let me ask you a much better question than the one Mr. Kelly was going to insult you with. In all of your time in WCW, when you dealt with great men like Tony Schiavone, and in ECW when you dealt with men like the incomparable Joey Styles, did you ever meet an announcer that would ask a question quite like...KEVIN...would?" "Can't say that I have, Paul," says Storm. "It's a shame, don't you think?" asks Heyman. "Well..." begins Storm. "It's a shame that Kevin has a job to begin with," finishes Heyman with a baleful look at Kelly, who is trying to edge his way off the set. Storm, interestingly, cracks up at this. Imagine that! The Great Stone Face has a sense of humor! Heyman gives Kelly a look that sends him scuttling back to his seat, then asks Storm to enlighten us as to how it felt to be the Intercontinental Champion, winning a Title that had a legacy dating back to 1979, and Pat Patterson? "Can you expostulate," says Heyman (with a sneery look at Kelly, who apparently doesn't know what "expostulate" means) "on the virtues of being the Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion, that you will be again one day soon in your career?" "I think it shows the caliber of athlete that comes out of WCW and ECW," says Storm, "and y'know, Kelvin Kelly made a mistake when he referred to my being the two-time ECW Tag Champ, when it was actually THREE times. It's just another step in a pretty successful career. It was a great honor being IC Champion, and it probably will be again." "Well, uh, y'know, Lance," begins Kelly falteringly, "I certainly want to apologize..." (nervous look at Heyman, who's doing his patented 'Diamond Drill Bit Stare' with a contemptuous sneer thrown in) "in that I did not mean to slight any of your accomplishments at a..." "Yes you did!" "No I did NOT!" "Yes. You. Did!" "Lance is a phenomenal competitor," begins Kelly, "and, as an announce for the World Wres-" "Ahhh, shut up!" retorts Heyman, "Lance..." "But I..." "Shut up, shut up," says Heyman. "Lance! If you don't mind my asking, could you talk a little bit about your days in the Dungeon in Calgary?" Storm says that it couldn't be set into just words, but that "it is the toughest place in the world to start out. Getting hurt and jeered at every day. Getting beat down. Having to overcome and survive. It builds a respect and a hunger for this business like nowhere else." Heyman says that one of the people that Storm helped train was Justin Credible, with whom he had great success in ECW as the Impact Players. "How did it feel to re-form the team with Justin, recently?" asks Heyman. "It was a lot of fun," says Storm, "especially in Chicago, which was a great ECW town for us, and the fans remembered the Impact Players. I trained in Calgary in '90, and Justin went through in '92, so when we did the Impact Players in ECW, it was a lot of fun for us and quite successful. And hen, getting a chance to do it again on a large scale on Raw was a lot of fun." Kelly, anxious to regain some control over his show, takes a dive into the Email Bag, and comes up with an email from somebody named Henry, who asks "How did it feel to get run over and book-ended by Booker Wee?" "Don't answer that, Lance," says Heyman. "But it's a fan's email," says Kelly, "Henry wants to know how it felt!" "How do YOU think it felt?" growls Storm, who's added some bass to his voice. "Boy, talk about intelligent questions...!" "Don't answer that, Lance," says Heyman. "Did it make you feel a little...embarrassed, Lance?" sneers Kelly. "Ah shut up, Kevin, just shut up, would you?" says Heyman. "Lance, a lot of fans are looking forward to a match between you and Jerry Lynn. Can you talk about some of your classic matches of the past with Jerry?" Storm says that he and Lynn had some classic old-school matches for sure, with the best being at "Anarchy Rulz!" which happened in Chicago when they did the Impact Player reunion. "I wrestled him thirty times and more in ECW," says Storm, "and would jump at the chance again!" Kelly remarks that Storm uses a lot of strikes with his knee, as evidenced in recent matches with Edge and the Rock...what?" (Heyman is pointing to Kelly's jersey and mouthing the words "STONE COLD!" to the camera while Kelly is talking) "Just go on with your inane question there, Kev, " says Heyman. "Uh huh, thanks for the shirt again, Paul," retorts Kelly, a bit flippantly, I thought. "Lance," continues Kelly, "does that style of wrestling derive from a martial arts background, or your training that you received in the Dungeon?" Storm is heard heaving a big sigh of exasperation. Heyman starts snickering. Kelly already does not look happy. Storm says (as to a child) that it's just a matter of good wrestling technique, knowing which hold or move to use at what time. "If you wanna hit somebody in the midsection," he says, "a knee's not a bad way to go." "I thought you wrestled a near-perfect match on Sunday," says Kelly, who appears to be trying a gushing approach to recapture his position guiding the interview. "Were there any nerves or butterflies, it being your first SummerSlam, and your first time competing in such a huge event?" Heyman, after giving Kelly a look of incredulity at the question asked, puts his head in his hands and starts to moan softly. Kelly is eyeing him as he would an annoyed tarantula. "Oddly enough," says Storm, "I've never had butterflies in my career, and the match was almost perfect with the exception of the last three seconds, that is. With the exception of the result, I was very happy with the match." "Can we take some phone calls?" asks Kelly of Heyman. "Ask Lance. He's your guest!" retorts Heyman. "Lance, how about some phone calls from your fans out there?" "Sure, by all means, let's go." Caller One is (God help us!) Amanda, the Byte This! show's resident lesbian. I am not kidding. She wants to know if Lance has seen "American Pie 2", and if (Lance's former ECW valet) Dawn Marie and Amanda let him watch them "touch", that Lance would be open to "touching", say, Kevin Kelly or Jerry Lynn? "I don't think so," says Storm. "No?" asks Amanda in a surprised tone of voice. "I think Kevin Kelly would be open to it, though," says Heyman with a big leer on his face. Kelly says why not, he's an open-minded guy. "Now it's not like you haven't touched Jerry before," begins Amanda, "we all know about that. I know Jerry, and, come on, the guy knows all the words to Devo's "Whip It". Do you think that is some kind of coincidence?" Heyman has gotten out of his seat and stormed off the set. "Could be," says Storm, if a bit hesitantly. At this point, Heyman pulls the plug on Amanda, and terminates the call. "You hung up on our resident lesbian," says Kelly accusingly, "We got one resident lesbian who likes the show, and YOU hung up on her." "Line...FIVE!" hollers Heyman from off-stage. Caller Joey tells Kelly to have more respect for Heyman and Storm. Kelly flippantly asks the caller what his claim to fame is. Joey says he's a future WWF Superstar. "You mean a future gas pumper in Teaneck, don't you?" sneers Kelly, finally able to verbally swat at somebody that can't hit back. Joey ignores Kelly, and asks Storm if he plans to make a run at the WWF or WCW World Titles anytime soon? Storm says that he's taking it a day at a time, and that if it is to be, he will be there to see that it happens. "You take the matches that are given to you," says Storm, "and you make the best of them." The next caller, Ryan on Line 1 wants to know if Storm will be facing Edge at the house show in Wichita, KS tonight? Storm says yes, and asks if Ryan will be at the show. Ryan says yes, in the front row as a matter of fact. "I'll be at the Crackle Barrel after the show, if you want to stop by," says Ryan. "CRACK-LE Barrel?!" hoots Heyman, "Hey, roll another one, Ryan." Kelly sees an apparent opening, and asks what the condition of the Alliance is, especially in light of the upcoming match between Rob Van Dam and Raven? Heyman says that competition is a good thing. It drives you to greater aspirations and success, like it has for Lance Storm. Kelly recalls Storm's surprise appearance as the first ever WCW wrestler to appear on a WWF show, when he gave Perry Saturn a superkick at the Calgary Raw show. Storm is proud to be the first ever WCW superstar to appear on a WWF TV show. It put him in the history books. The crowd's reaction was great, especially with Storm being from Calgary... Alberta, Canada. "It was one of the few real surprises ever pulled off in professional wrestling," says Storm, "and this in spite of the dirt sheets and the Internet, who are always breaking spoilers to whatever we do in the ring." Kelly asks about Storm's final days with WCW. "It was a big unknown," says Storm, "nobody knew what was going to happen until Shane McMahon walked into the ring at Panama City Beach. I took it to mean that I had to keep working as hard as I could, so that whatever happened, I would be ready for it. Whoever would be running the show, I was making sure that Lance Storm was going to be a part of it." (As Storm is speaking, Heyman is out of his seat and looming over Kelly in a manner that could be considered Felony Menacing.) Kelly, finding some backbone, tells Heyman that his shirt smells like spoiled milk. Heyman says that's not funny, and "where do you get off ignoring Lance Storm? He IS your guest this week, isn't he?" "I wasn't..." begins Kelly defensively. "I'll ask the questions. YOU just shut up!," says Heyman, "Lance, what can you tell us about the Team Canada angle you were part of in WCW?" "You mean the angle where I was the only actual Canadian on Team Canada?" laughs Storm, "I guess WCW's focus just wasn't what it used to be. But it did give me a chance to show where I was from, and the angle was one of the last few successes that WCW had. It also helped me break into the singles level after being in the Tag division for so long." Kelly asks about Chris Benoit's return, and if Storm is looking forward to it? "I hope Chris makes a speedy recovery," says Storm, "because his return would be exciting for wrestling fans and for the wrestlers who would work with him. Lance Storm and Chris Benoit would have some solid matches together, matches that would resemble what I had with Kurt Angle on Smackdown. Heyman allows Kelly ask Storm a question, and then spends the next five minutes poking the daylights out of Kelly. Kelly shifts discussion to HHH's being on the new "WWF Excess" show, and Storm's thoughts about it. Storm says that he doesn't know a lot about the new show, and since he's on the road a lot, he won't be able to see it. As for HHH, Storm's had a chance to talk with him and he's moving really well. "He's looking at a return to the ring in the near future, and he's another guy I'd love to work with." Kelly's getting mightily pissed off at the bullying Heyman's handing him. "Lance, what was Paul Heyman like to work for as a boss?" "Well, he was..." "Was he as annoying to you as he's been to me?" "No. I think that's probably YOUR fault, more so than his, actually," says Storm. "Thank you, Lance," says a jovial Heyman, who pokes Kelly in the ribs once more for good measure. "Ow! Hey!" says Kelly. "No problem, Paul," says Storm with a laugh. "Paul Heyman makes it fun to come to work, Kevin," continues Storm, "He has a passion and love for this business that is unequalled. Working for him was a delight, and exciting every time you came to work." "Thank you, Lance," says Heyman, almost humbly, (Well, as humble as one could get, if one were Paul Heyman,) "I appreciate that." "Maybe someday," says Kelly, rubbing a particularly solid Heyman poke to his ribs," I can grow to appreciate Paul Heyman the way you do. But NOT today!" Dan on Line 4 is NOT a lesbian, (unfortunately, Heyman is, by his own admission, a lesbian trapped in a man's body!) but he does want to know... Heyman, at this point demands that the background Chyron, which has been depicting the new WCW logo, be changed. Byte This! producer "Big Country" obligingly replaces it with the WWF logo, which Kelly promptly gives hoots of appreciation for. "SOMETHING ELSE, PLEASE!" bellows Heyman. "Country" slaps Howard Finkel's grinning mug up there. Heyman says that the Fink's not real, fans. "Watch!" Heyman pokes Kelly hard in the shoulder, and Kelly flinches in response. "You hit Kevin, and there's a reaction. You swat Howie," (Heyman wallops the Fink's picture's nose a good one), "Nothing! Right? Go ahead, Dan. Whatever your name is..." Dan wants to know about the Manitoba Death Tour. Storm audibly cringes at the mention of this hellish tour of the upper reaches of Manitoba province in Canada. "We went to places like Minus Fifty, ten feet of snow, the worst place on the planet, wrestling under the most appalling conditions imaginable, says Storm, "Don Callis (ECW's 'Cyrus the Virus') cooked it up. And at the end, you got paid next to nothing." Ryan asks if Storm ever toured Lebanon? Storm says yes, he did two weeks in Beirut back in 1992, with Mondo and Chavo Guerrero, Sr. "Lots of, uh, Lebanese there, huh, Lance?" says Kelly. "Oh, you ARE the observant guy, aren't you, Kevin," sneers Heyman, "That must be why you grew the goatee. Any more, oh, INTERESTING callers out there? ANYBODY at all?!" The next caller asks Storm about the match he had with Edge & Christian, and whose idea the underwear was? Storm ignores the question, while Heyman tsk-tsks, and cuts the caller off. Presumably at the knees. Randy, the next caller, asks Storm which Federation has been the best to work for? "ECW, without a doubt," says Storm, "I had the most fun there. Paul afforded me the opportunity to grow with the company." Heyman thanks Storm, and calls him a future booker in the industry. Kelly calls Heyman a rube for being from New York City and wearing cowboy boots. "You should talk," says Heyman, "sitting there with that ridiculous Mitch Miller goatee on your face, trying to look hip, and failing miserably I might add!" Next caller, Matt, wants to know which wrestler does Storm copy his style from, much as Chris Benoit emulates the Dynamite Kid? Storm says that he copies no one's style, that he is trying to develop and improve upon his own unique style, thank you. "If you emulate someone else too much, you lose your individuality." Kelly tosses a softball question out, asking Storm what he does with his spare time? Storm reads a lot, having all of David Morell's (sp?) works, Robert Ludlum, Dean Koontz. "Ever thought about doing any writing of your own?" asks Kelly. Storm says the guys who run his website approached him. They had a publisher interested in his autobiography. He's had to pull back from that, since he's not sure how his new contract will affect that deal. Kelly remarks that Storm's comments about life on the road that have been up on his website were very interesting and entertaining, and that he's impressed with Storm's writing style. Heyman, meanwhile, is fooling around with Kelly's shirt collar, making it into what looks like origami figures. Kelly asks Storm about his education background, as Heyman's back at the Felony Menacing routine. "Paul's gonna hit me! "says Kelly. "Good for him!" says Storm. "Good for him, bad for me!" says Kelly, shrinking back in his chair. Heyman recounts Kelly's lack of attendance and unprofessionalism as regards the Byte This! show. "It got so bad one time, Lance," says Heyman, 'that Howard Finkel was out pacing the parking lot, looking for him, disgusted over Kevin's unprofessional attitude..." Hey, now..." begins Kelly. "...But we won't go there because, Lord knows, NOBODY ever recaps this on the Internet, so nobody'll ever find out abut your dirty little secret. Will they, Kevin?" "Uhh, no. I guess not." Says Kelly uncertainly. Back to Storm's educational background. He had almost two years in university, honors business degree, playing volleyball, wasn't all that happy, His coach told him to explore other options, and he liked what professional wrestling had to offer. Heyman has put his feet up on Kelly's lap, and is reclining way back in his chair. Kelly, in footstool mode, says that Heyman's boots are actually pretty good, though the heels are digging into his legs. Heyman thanks Kelly so much for his sartorial compliment, like he cares. Heyman screens Ray's question on Line 5, as Kelly asks Storm about what he's doing right now? Storm's at the gym in Wichita, as has been evident from the first part of the interview, since the clank of free weights and rattle of weight machines can be heard in the background quite clearly. Ray finally gets through with a question for Heyman about whether we will see other ECW stars in the Alliance, stars like the Sandman and Sabu? Heyman says that you never know who may show up, but what about the stars that are already there in the Alliance right now? Guys like Lance Storm, etc, etc. Heyman also lets on that Lance is a funny guy, and that he has a collection of dirty jokes the likes of which no one has ever heard of before. (Storm is actually snickering at Heyman's tirade.) But he keeps them for after hours, not blurting them all over the ring like Edge and Christian does. "When Lance is in the ring, he's all business, a straight shooter from Canada," says Heyman. Kelly tries to get a word in edgewise, which is all Heyman needs to berate Kelly for another five minutes on his unprofessional and obvious pro-WWF bias. Joe, the next caller praises Storm's initiative to "get off-beat shenanigans like Booker Wee out of the ring." Joe also asks Storm's thoughts on when the Internet leaks story lines. Storm considers the Internet a two-edged sword, since it is needed to get the information out there, but that there are a lot of people shoveling misinformation out there as well. It's just something we all have to deal with. Kelly asks Storm's thoughts on the McMahon family, and working with a tradition that is second to none? Storm says that the McMahons have a love and a professionalism about this business that is very hands on, something that was lacking in WCW. "Back then," says Storm, "as long as you didn't cuss and try to kill each other, WCW pretty much left you alone." Kelly thanks Storm for being on the show, and for his patience with the off beat shenanigans Paul Heyman pulled during their interview. Kevin would also like to thank Paul. Like to, but probably won't, except that he couldn't have done the interview without him. Kelly asks Paul if he wants to wish Vince McMahon a happy 56th birthday? Paul says no, because HIS McMahon's first name happens to be "Stephanie", and not "Vince." Kelly shills for the new "WWF: Excess" show live this Saturday at 10 PM, with Jonathan Coachman and Trish Stratus hosting. Paul asks what Trish will be wearing? Kelly doesn't know, and sounds incredibly pompous by adding that he's only interested in what Trish has to say. This, not surprisingly, cracks Heyman up big time, and it's a good two minutes before he's able to get himself under control again. Kelly doggedly continues to plug "WWF: Excess," as Heyman continues to laugh. Kelly's finally had enough of Heyman. "Y'know," says Kelly, "Austin 3:16" should mean 'I couldn't beat Kurt Angle at SummerSlam!'" Heyman stops laughing abruptly, and says "Boy, THAT won't sell many T-shirts!" Next week's guests will be Farrooq and Bradshaw of the APA. Kelly invites Heyman to be on the show next Friday. Heyman says he'll be there Thursday. "The show's on Friday, Paul." "I have a lot to do on Friday," says Heyman, "meetings, interviews, you know..." "Okay, we'll move the show to Thursday..." "Did I say Thursday?" says Heyman quickly, "I meant Wednesday. I'm busy all day Thursday as well. But don't get the wrong idea, I LIKE the APA. I really do!" "You like them better than the Dudley Boyz, Paul?" "Wow, look at the time!" says Heyman, "that's all for this week's edition of Byte This!" Kelly wishes Vince McMahon a happy 56th birthday, as "Big Country" shows a clip of Vince winning the WWF World Championship Title to end the show. See you next week. E.C. 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