This week's show opens with a video clip from last Monday's Raw show, where, according to WWEdotcom, Rob Van Dam really and for true became the WWE Undisputed #1 Contender for all of five minutes. Ric Flair and Chris Jericho were pretty much involved in doing something real important here, too. Jerry Lawler and Good Ol' JR are hollering louder than the crowd.
(Are those Lawler's TONSILS on the announce table there? Oog!)
This little discrepancy of RVD's was fixed real quick by the WWEdotcom website's techno-gnomes, presumably with Orders From Above, and HHH resumed his rightful place as WWE heavyweight Champion and Raw's #1 Contender.

Opening credits.

Your hosts this week are Kevin Kelly, fresh from having his insides rearranged by some ham-fisted barber college reject, and Dr. Tom Prichard, newly graduated from the ITT School of Technology majoring in Hotel Honor Bar Replenishment and minoring in Computer Repair.

Kelly's looking like the hospital stay didn't thin him down any. Same big ol' moon face on him.
Dr. Tom needs a lesson from the Posture Brownie, the big slouchmeister.

Kelly recounts the events of the past week, with special interest in the revival of the (formerly WCW) World Heavyweight Title to HHH.
Dr. Tom says that having Bischoff just hand it to HHH cheapened the value of the Title. Kelly agrees, saying that the HW Title needs to be competed for, and that it was great Rob Van Dam was the first one to step up and challenge HHH.
Kelly deems it a shrewd business move on Eric Bischoff's part to counter Smackdown's GM Stephanie McMahon hogging the Undisputed Title by making Brock Lesnar exclusive to the Smackdown promotion.

Kelly shills for the "2002 WWE Divas Internet Babe of the Year" competition, of which today's Byte This! guests are two of the contestants; Lita, and Nidia.

And here's Droz, who can't get enough of Diva and Tough Enough champ Nidia. Droz says that the revival of the HW Title on Raw was a good idea, that the fans of Raw deserve to have a Heavyweight Champ.
"I would like to see the Champion have only one Title belt, and that both promotions compete for it," says Droz.

Dr. Tom likens the current Title situation to the days of the old territories, where we had the AWA Heavyweight Champ, the NWA World Champ, etc.
"When Vince McMahon created the one Undisputed Championship Title," says Dr. Tom, "I thought 'Now there will be no confusion about who is the best, or which Title means more!"

Droz agrees, saying that Bischoff pulling a Title belt out of his briefcase doesn't make it something worth competing for.

The Chatroom says that, to give the Titles credibility, both Lesnar and HHH should compete, both with themselves and others to restore the luster to the Titles.
Kelly agrees, saying that Bischoff simply handing the Title over, instead of HHH competing for it, cheapens the Title.
"I believe what is coming," says Kelly, "is that we will see both a Raw PPV and a Smackdown PPV, both entirely separate, like they were planning with the original WCW Invasion angle."

On to Smackdown, and the old-fashioned Pillow Fight between Terri and Stacy Keibler.
Droz liked Stacy's powerslam on the bed, and the tarring and feathering of Terri afterwards.

Chatroomer Anthony from Montreal is having a birthday, and asks Droz to say hello.
"Hey, Anthony," says Droz, "Happy Birthday!"

On to the big news, Billy and Chuck's "Life Partner Commitment Ceremony," or whatever the silly thing is supposed to be.
Dr. Tom says that the fans are wondering where it's gonna end up?
(Yeah, who gives birth to the rubber glove this time?)
Droz says that we need to wait until Thursday to see what's gonna happen.

(Somebody's cell phone is ringing on the set, and it looks like it's Kelly's because he's trying to ignore it the most.)

Kelly asks Droz how many times in his life he's seen two grown men get married on national TV?
Dead silence from Droz.
Dr. Tom, interestingly, is shifting around uneasily in his chair.

On to this week's obligatory adulation of Brock Lesnar. Kelly says he's impressed with Lesnar's physicality. Droz says he's impressed with Lesnar's improved mic and promo skills, especially in his sit-down with the Undertaker.

And let's not forget this week's big defection from Raw to Smackdown, that being one Crash Holly, whom Droz says will be a welcome addition to the Smackdown Cruiserweights.

We get a discussion of WWE seamtress Julie's work on the spectacularly different WWE costumes we've been seeing of late. Droz especially likes the purple robe she did for Ric Flair at Wrestlemania X8. Dr. Tom comments that Mr. Wrestling II's wife was the one who used to make all the robes before Julie did, so Julie's got some big shoes to fill.

Droz leaves, as Kelly reminds him that Billy and Chuck are registered at Home Depot and Wal-Mart.

The Chatroom says that, If Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth was a match made in heaven, Billy & Chuck was a match made in San Francisco, ho ho.

To the phones once more, where Lorenzo from New Jersey wants to know what Kelly and Dr. Tom thinks about Bischoff issuing the new HW Championship Title. Lorenzo thinks that, though the Title will be good for Raw, it will confuse things in the WWE as a whole.
"We won't know who is the best in the WWE anymore," says Lorenzo.

(Kelly's cell phone is ringing again, which is pissing off Dr. Tom no end.)

Tazz is on the phone with another "Tales from the Hook."
Kelly asks if Tazz will be wearing the orange & black tux to Billy & Chuck's wedding?
Tazz is miserable, mostly because Kelly didn't have and respect and say hello to him right off the bat, but just jumped in with the tuxedo question.
Tazz isn't sure what to make of this whole "Life Commitment," thing, but if it's good for business, then let's have at it. And yes, he will be wearing the tux to the ceremony.

Kelly says that Michael Cole will be there with "a lump in his throat, and a tear in his eye," which cracks up Tazz.

Tazz, recovered, has some good things to say about former WWE Byte This! producer Big Country who showed Tazz respect, but this Matt Duda guy shows Tazz no respect at all.
By the way, Tazz is building a house somewhere in the country, and is apparently having trouble with his new neighbors, what with the pyro going off every time the doorbell rings, and the blimp flying over the house from 7 PM to 7:30 PM every night flashing the Tazz logo. Tazz told them to use stadium lights instead of the regular ones.
Then there's that air raid siren of his going off at two in the morning. "The neighbors think it's a prison break in progress," laughs Tazz, 'the cops'll be here early one morning real soon."

Tazz has to take another call (!) so Kelly and Dr. Tom talk about Randy Orton's "No Fear" approach to his match with Brock Lesnar.
Tazz remarks on how much Lesnar is improving week after week. Also, Randy Orton is having to fill bigger and bigger shoes that Bob Orton Jr. wore, as Bob is getting more and more popular.

The Chatroom wants to know who will be giving birth to the hand, Billy or Chuck?
(Jeez, they must have heard me.)

Tazz and Michael Cole will be at the Minnesota Twins batting practice this week; stop by and show Tazz that he's still got some fans out there, please?

Tazz leaves just as Dr. Tom's big ol' foot yanks out the Byte This! laptop's network cable once more, killing the Byte This! Chatroom for the third week in a row!

We take a break with that appalling video from Smackdown where Jamie Noble and Nidia move into Jamie's dead aunt Edna's trailer, which has running water and a full-sized bed and everything!
"From here on out," says Noble, " ever'thang's gonna be first class!"
"Yeah," says Nidia, "let's try out the bed right now!"

(Hey, maybe CBS needs to hire these two for that new reality show based on the "Beverly Hillbillies?!")

Kelly recounts his trip to Louisville, KY and the debut of the new Davis Arena for Ohio Valley Wrestling last week.

Nidia's on the phone.
She and Dr. Tom are both alumni from the same Texas high school, ("Go Longhorns!" squeals Nidia) and they reminisce about the old school for a bit.

Nidia recounts her experience at OVW following her win on "Tough Enough," and how she built on her mere 13 weeks experience with some great training at OVW. Nidia also waxes enthusiastic about the new Davis Arena facilities, which now has proper dressing rooms, and air conditioning, and indoor lighting...

Kelly says there really ain't that much difference between back country West Virginia and Texas, is there?
Dr. Tom demands that Kelly take it back or he's gonna wallop him but good. Kelly quickly backs off, and talks with Nidia about how tough her training has been, what with the travel schedule, watching the video tapes, going back to OVW on Wednesday and working there, then getting back to Smackdown for the house shows.
Dr. Tom says he's impressed with how much improvement Nidia has made, in spite of the lack of the opportunities her busy schedule provides for her. He also says that Nidia's career could go in a number of directions, one being her shot at the WWE Women's Title.
"It will come when the Creative Team and the bookers feel she's ready for it," says Dr. Tom.

In response to a question from Kelly, Nidia says that her Redneck Trailer Trash character was developed over the course of living and working in Louisville; that, and a lot of late night shopping trips to Wal-Mart. Kelly says that, as far as he knows, none of HIS relatives ever had sex with each other.
Dr. Tom and Nidia both say they will make sure OVW's Jim Cornette will hear of Kelly's comment, you can betcher ass.

Nidia also says that Michael Cole does not have bad breath, and yes, she did have her tongue down his throat!

The Chatroom says that the new Body Donnas should be Kelly and Dr. Tom, with Nidia taking the role of Sunny.
Nidia says that being compared to Sunny is a compliment. Dr. Tom doesn't think so, but hey, it's Nidia's life, so what the hell...
Nidia qualifies her answer by saying that she is always careful to take care of her self, watch her diet, her training, and keeping her beauty and glamour up to snuff.

Dr. Tom asks Nidia's opinion about the latest crop of "Tough Enough" contestants?
Nidia says that she sees a lot of Jackie and Linda.
Dr. Tom asks her opinion of Jake.
Nidia says he was very quiet, spoke something like three words total to her.
"Couldn't form words into a sentence, hah?" snickers Dr. Tom.

Kelly asks Nidia who her type of man is?
"Jamie Noble," says Nidia slipping into kayfabe without batting an eye, "he let's my eye keep a-roving, and is cool about it. The man I like has to be fun, and not be so concerned about his image."

(Boy, are YOU in the wrong place for that, kiddo!)

Kelly asks if Nidia's attracted to Sean Stasiak?
"No!"
"Chyna?"
"Nope. Dawn Marie! She's just beautiful," says Nidia.
(Dr. Tom and the Audio Guy Chris Vallo just fall out of their chairs at this. Me too.)

Kelly asks Nidia to give her chances on becoming the "2002 WWE Internet Babe of the Year?"
"I'd be honored," says Nidia, "but I'm up against some stiff competition what with Trish Stratus, Terri, and the others...how many are there?"
"Sixteen," says Dr. Tom.
"SIXTEEN? Uhh, yeah, I..."
"Maybe you could "flash" the voters," says Kelly.
"Yeah, that would work!' says Nidia with a laugh, "I could do that!"

Nidia leaves the show, as Kelly and Dr. Tom promo the heck out of the "2002 WWE Internet Diva of the Year."

Lita is up next.
Lita says that she feels as good as a girl can feel after having her neck broken.
She's out of her hard collar, so her "security blanket" is finally gone.
Lita says it will be another six months before she's fully healed, and can start working out in the ring.
Dr. Tom remarks that Lita must have been going nuts the past three months with nothing to do.
Lita says she moved back to Sanford, NC, her hometown, and tried to keep busy with sewing, but threw the sewing machine out of the window after about a week.
She's been doing the treadmill/TV bit, and working with the local Animal Shelter for fun, since it was what she used to do for work before wrestling came along.

Lita says that the absence of wrestling has been depressing.
"What does Amy (Dumas) do with her time, now that Lita's been laid up?" asks Lita. "Other wrestlers have their families to go to, but my family is who I've met in the wrestling business. It's hard to find something that interests me, and helps to keep my spirits up. The cards and letters from the fans who have had multiple surgeries, or have disabling injuries, are all telling ME not to worry, that I'll get through it all right. When we went through the tunnel at Madison Square Garden, the fans all started cheering "Li-ta! Li-ta!" I started tearing up. I really missed all that, but didn't realize just HOW much I missed it until that moment."

On the break up of the Hardy Boys, Lita says it was inevitable, but that the brothers will always be brothers. They still come home to Cameron (NC) and hang out together.

Kelly suggests that Lita could take a page out of USTA star Serena Williams, who got hooked on the Home Shopping Network while nursing an injury.
Lita snorts, and says that she doesn't give a hoot about the HSN, ever since they sold her that lousy Internal Cell Phone Antenna, which works about as well as putting your tongue on the phone's original antenna.
"Another thing they sell that sucks is that "Abdomenizer" thing," says Lita.
"Yeah," laughs Dr. Tom, "it's like "Wear this, and you won't have to diet OR exercise anymore!"

Lita segues from the "Abdomenizer" to the current situation on Raw and Smackdown, saying that both shows have changed so much since she got injured.
She likes the work the Smackdown Cruiserweights are putting out, what with Rey Mysterio, Shannon Moore, the Hurricane, and Jamie Noble pulling the load, among others.

Lita is also impressed with the announcing job Funaki is doing, but wants him to team with Rey Mysterio and show the fans what he can do once more. Kelly asks what Lita plans to do when she gets back?
Lita says that she plans to change her act, and make it better than before, because she will be in so much better shape than she was before.
"It's a big blow to my invincibility, this neck thing," says Lita, "but I am getting though it, and I will be back, better than ever."

Kelly comments on the black & white photo spread in the latest edition of WWE magazine.
"The fans get to see you in a different light," he says," what are some of your favorite photo sessions?"
"I like to do my thing, and not get so much direction," says Lita, "I don't like the posed picture. Whatever's not the obvious way to go is what I like. The last photo shoot we did in the Bahamas was at ten o'clock at night. I had colored in my tattoo, and we had this very dramatic red background lighting behind everything. It was great. I hope the pictures are as good as the photo shoot was."

Kelly asks about the way Kane's return was handled, and Lita hopes her return will be stage-managed as well as Kane's was.
Lita says that she was with Kane the same day his surgery was scheduled, and then had her surgery scheduled the same day as well.
"Sometimes," she says, "it's hard to listen to your body because we deal with physical pain every day. We aren't hearing what the body is saying. You have to learn to listen closely, and know when the body is saying 'Enough is enough!"

Lita's best memories of her career in WWE are the first TLC match at SummerSlam, and then Wrestlemania with Rhyno being new and all.
Kelly thanks Lita for being on the show, and wishes her continued success. Lita thanks Kelly and Dr. Tom, and leaves the show.

Kelly takes the end of show lull to rag on Matt Duda, mostly for the treatment Tazz receives every time he shows up.
Duda is asked what he does to help the community?
"I work at the local Animal Shelter too. I make sure the stray cats are properly neutered."
Kelly demands that Duda leave the settings on the board alone, and to not have pretend shows over the weekend like he's been doing.

Kelly thanks the fans for the great feedback on the show's "Point/Counterpoint" segment.
Speaking of which, this week's Point/Counterpoint segment deals with the Billy & Chuck business.
Kelly says the fans should give Billy & Chuck the same level of levity that they do NBC's "Will & Grace" does.
"These guys make me laugh," says Kelly," and I can't wait for the payoff." Dr. Tom says that the whole thing smells a bit like a Raw show. The edginess of this whole skit belongs on cable, and not on broadcast channels at 8 o'clock at night when the kids are still up!
Kelly says that, whatever the outcome, somebody's gonna end up with wedding cake in the face!

Matt Duda says that maybe Kelly should try out the Maxim Red Rum Hair Color that sponsors the show.
Kelly suggests that next week, they see how the stuff works.
Dr. Tom says he's game.
Not!
Looks like it'll be Matt Duda and Kevin Kelly for the Crayola hairdo next week.
Duda says that Maxim does NOT make you sterile!
Says so right on the box there!
Dr. Tom wants to be red.
Not his hair, mind you.
Just the color.
All over.
Hmmmm...

Kelly gives Dr. Tom "The Look," then shills for the OVW show on 9/18/2002 at the NEW (fully air-conditioned and bathroomed) Davis Arena in Louisville. "WWE Confidential" and "Velocity" get promo-ed.

Next week's guests are scheduled to be Chris Nowinsky and Molly Holly.

We close the show with a video of WWF Raw where Lita winning the WWF Women's Championship the first time from Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley.
Jerry Lawler's just hooting with lust at Stephanie's, umm, "assets," which are nearly in the process of "making themselves each way free."
Whoops, we got Kurt Angle, The Rock, and HHH involved in this bout!
Hey, I thought this was a WOMEN'S Title match?

Oh well...
See you next week.