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WWF CLASSICS RECAP
This recap was supposed to be brought to you through the magic of voice
activated software, but the microphone I bought doesn't seem to work, so
lets all say a big 'Fuck You' to everyone at Grampian Electronics, and
whoever the maker is as well. Also Steve Austin is a pissy little bitch
for taking his ball and going home. Remember, this is a man who drove the
No2 heel in the company (Jarrett) out by refusing to get in the ring with
him and actively campaigned to have the title taken off Kurt Angle during
his first run with it. Lets not forget that he also forced Mick Foley back
from knee surgery FAR too early, because he wouldn't drop the belt to HHH,
no matter how screwy the finish. If he ever complains about being held
down in WCW again, shoot him. What? I said shoot him.
Originally aired late Nov/early Dec 1987.
Re-Spect-Recognisedsymbolofexellenceinsportsentertanment. Whaddya say?
Re-Spect-WWFlogo. Are you talkin' to me? Are you talkin' to me?
We are in our second week at the Omaha Civic Auditorium, and Terry
Forsberg, the manager of said building, would like to state that 'The WWF
is the premier ticket for real family entertainment.' So pointless, so
very, very pointless.
Bobby and Gorilla welcome us, and the Brain has reverted to his trusty
old neck-brace attire this evening.
It's the same montage as every week. Indeed.
Gorilla demands to show us why Bobby's got the neck-brace again. We go
to SNME where Heenan holds Hogan out of the ring long enough for King Kong
Bundy to get a count-out win. Post match, the Hulkster lifts Bobby by the
neck and throws him down, thus necessitating the brace.
Match No1 is Rick Rude Vs Omar Atlas. Before we begin I must point out
that Rude is wearing the worst tights in the history of wrestling. Ever.
Imagine the worst of 80's garishness encapsulated in one garment, and
that's Rude's tights. Right on the bell Atlas tries a roll-up, which gets
2, he follows this with some punches, but Rude takes over with a
clothesline (which Atlas thought was supposed to be a headlock, and thus
looked awful). Rude continues with an elbowdrop, a slam and a snap suplex,
which leads to a 2 count. Rude continues to punch away, and Atlas tries a
few shots of his own to the gut, but these won't work because Rude has ABS
OF STEEL. Rude clubs some more, plants an atomic drop, goes for the cover,
but lifts off to show he's tough. Atlas is picked up into a short-arm
clothesline and then has his face rammed into the mat a couple of times,
before being picked up into 90 degree torture rack that Rude was using as a
finisher. That move somehow manages to be even less cool than Lex Luger's
version. The match is over in short order, and surprisingly Rude has no
mic work for us. 0 for 1. Not only short, but sloppy too. Post match
Heenan abuses an Orndorff figure, because he believes that Rude will beat
him to the best body Slammy, or something.
It's Craig DeGeorge's special report bit! It actually is special this
week, because the Million Dollar Man said he's going to buy the WWF title
off of Hogan. WWF ultra boring guy, I mean President, Jack Tunney is
investigating the legal ramifications of this, and Hogan is unavailable for
comment. Why don't they just try Dr. Zahorian's office? This is a pretty
big angle.
Back to the ring where it's Jake Roberts Vs The Greatest Jobber Of All
Time BARRY HOROWITZ. Barry still possesses the gold suspenders, but
neglects to pat himself on the back. Damn. A collar and elbow tie-up
starts us, and Jake quickly turns that into an armbar, but Bad Barry gets
to the ropes. For no apparent reason Jake goes to check on Damien, so
Barry clubs him in the back a bit. Barry follows up with some punches, an
elbow, kicks, and an eye-rake. Go Barry! Now they are separated, and Jake
goads Barry into running at him, and proceeds to clothesline Horowitz.
Straight from this, Jake picks him up and hits the DDT for the win. Post
match Damien is on Barry for about half a second. 0 for 2. Come on. That
match was less than a minute long. Even squashes shouldn't be that short.
On the plus side Barry had most of the offence in the match, for what may
be the only time in his WWF career.
Backstage we go, to find Craig DeGeorge conversing with the Young
Stallions. They are happy that Strike Force are the champions, and they
think they'd do OK in a match with them. Paul Roma is taking the nice guy
gimmick so far that he's coming across as a bit 'special' if you know what
I mean. It's shit like that that stopped me bouncing a tennis ball when I
walk down the road.
After some commercials we're back with Craig again, and this time he's
got Slick. Slick is disgusted that DiBiase could buy the world title,
especially as his guys deserve it so much. Bobby and Gorilla think it
stinks too. I love it when a heel does something so diabolical that even
other heels are against it.
Now, thanks to the good people at Superstars, we can see the Dream Team
'money match'. To begin with we get Jesse Ventura interviewing Valentine,
who announces that Jimmy Hart is his new manager. I think this means
Johnny V has left the company and the new Dream Team is no more. Cool.
Ahh, the match. It's Greg Valentine Vs Brutus Beefcake. We JIP, and it
looks pretty close to the end. Valentine goes for the figure four, but
gets pushed off. Beefcake runs to stop Hart stealing his shears, allowing
Greg to take over again, and again try the figure four. Once more a push
off, an attempt to stop scissors, and Valentine taking over, this time with
an awful snapmare. They repeat the push off and the scissor saving antics
one more time. This time both men in the ring trade forearms and throw the
ref down. We have clippage, and when we return Valentine is in a sleeper.
Jimmy grabs Beefcake's big shears and Brutus gives chase throwing him out
of the ring, but now Greg has the shears. He promptly batters Beefcake
with them and slaps on the figure four. After another clip we see
Beefcake, still in the hold, grabbing the shears, which makes Valentine
break the hold. Another clip, and we can see Brutus being helped to the
back, with a bad leg injury. That was quite entertaining, but I'm not
going to rate it, what with the JIP and clipping and such.
Craig De George is once again backstage. This time it's with Sherri
Martell. Sherri, and her Terri Runnels-esque nipples cut a heel interview.
I think this was her turning. She says that the Rockin' Robin can't beat
her, Debbie Coombes has lots of peroxide in her hair, and that Moolah is
back at home, knitting. Ha! Sherri cut a decent promo there. DeGeorge
adds that Moolah has been around a bit. You don't say, Craig.
It's the 37th Slammy awards coming soon. Computer graphics told me, so
it must be true.
Finally, we're back to the ring. Unfortunately it's Harley Race Vs Jerry
Allen. Heenan points out that Hogan may accept DiBiase's offer, as he
might want security for his family. Yeah, because Hogan was on a pittance
in 1987. Race kicks off with a knee, a belly-to-belly suplex, two elbows
and a slam. An extraordinarily crappy Piledriver precedes a butterfly
suplex. Race then finishes thing with a fisherman's suplex. 0 for 3.
Race is s l o w. Harley must have been special in the 70's to be a legend,
because he's awful here. And why does a man with tattoos have a King
gimmick? It's not very regal is it?
Craig DeGeorge hosts an interview on stage with Jimmy Hart at Danny
Davis. Either Davis has something shoved down his tights or he has the
biggest penis EVER. Sam Houston arrives and does a retarded little country
dance, which Craig loves but Danny doesn't. They argue over whether
Houston should take his hat off or not, a problem Danny solves by knocking
it off. A fairly intense brawl follows, and it looks like these two will
be fussin' and a feudin' for a while, y'all!
Next up is The Ragin' Racist Don Muraco Vs Pete Sanchez. Sanchez has
more heel heat as the jobber than Muraco has face heat. I think we can see
how successful this push is going to be. Anyway, Muraco grabs an armbar
and works into a backdrop thing. If he fell back with that move it would
have been a northern lights suplex. Don pummels away with a clothesline, a
slam, a knee drop, and an atomic drop. Butch Reed appears with some
comments saying that Muraco would go the way of Billy Graham. Muraco then
goes to the top rope, sticks his knee on Sanchez's throat, and topples
over. That was quite cool. One tombstone later and that's the end of
things. 0 for 4. All of these matches are just so damn short.
Demolition then introduces us to their new video, which just happens to
be up for the best video award at the Slammy's. We get to hear the whole
of Demolition's fantastic tune and see clips of them beating us people
interspersed with clips of nuclear explosions. I don't have to say how
much this rules. I love Demolition. Pain and Destruction are their middle
names.
Slammy award graphics are all up in my area once more.
It's a tribute to Billy Graham! A Mean Gene voiceover tells us that in
Baltimore, Maryland, Graham became world champion fifteen years ago. We
then see Graham recovering from his hip injury, and the MONSTER pop he got
on his first night back. Next we see Graham in a pose-down with Butch
Reed, where Jesse cracks me up by doing serious play by play on the posing.
Finally we see the Reed beatdown put Graham out again. Gene speculates as
to whether Graham will retire.
Our main event this evening would appear to be The Hart Foundation Vs
Scott Casey and Sivi Afi. Casey and the Anvil start with a collar and
elbow tie-up. Anvil goes into a choke and then rams Casey's head off the
mat twice, and the buckle once. More choking by Anvil, but he misses an
elbow and Afi tags in. He kicks and chops away, but gets caught trying a
crossbody and is power slammed. Bret is tagged in and hits a backbreaker
between punches. We get some comments from Strike Force saying that they
aren't ducking the Harts. Heenan calls them 'La Bamba' and 'Lucky
Pierre'. That's funny as. Meanwhile, Bret pulls off a piledriver. Afi's
head is rammed off the buckle, and Anvil comes in. He does an eye rank,
and drops Afi's throat on the tope rope. Anvil then distracts the ref
while Bret goes choking with the tag rope. After some Anvil punches, Bret
could choke again, but he sees the ref is watching, so he pats Afi on the
head. He he he. Bret and Jim tag a lot and indulge in kicking and choking
for a wee while, until Anvil holds Afi up in the pre-spinebuster position
and Bret hits a clothesline for the win. 1 for 5. I think that gets a
point only because my standards have been lowered by the rest of the show.
Craig DeGeorge is backstage again and now he's with Koko B. Ware and the
Junk Yard Dog. They are going to be a tag team now. God help us. Koko is
excited about this and I think JYD is too but I'm not sure if he's even
speaking English or not. Because I'm funny I'm going to dub this team Low
Energy. It's because JYD is fat. Do you see?
Next week it will be Danny Davis Vs Sam Houston, the Bolsheviks, Ted
DiBiase, Low Energy and Bam Bam Bigelow.
Bobby and Gorilla bid us farewell, and that's that.
Overall: There was so little actual wrestling, but cool angles and
interviews that it could be argued that this show was about twelve years
ahead of its time. Next week we'll no doubt have an update on the sweet
DiBiase wants to buy the title angle next week, so join me for that. Join
me.
Ian Mowat
[slash] wrestling
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