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WWF CLASSICS RECAP
Remind me to never have Ric Flair represent me in any draft that I'm
involved in.
Originally aired Dec 1987.
The recognised symbol of excellence in sports entertainment is, without
any shadow of doubt, no question about it, the 'oh so shiny' WWF logo.
We are still in the Omaha Civic Auditorium in Omaha, Nebraska. In this
town Mayor Dullan was impeached for riding his horse through City Hall,
but was later re-elected. That was in the 70's, right?
Bobby and Gorilla welcome us, and Gorilla's tinted glasses make him
look a bit like a paedophile.
This would be the opening montage then. Oh yeah.
Coming up this week we have Sam Houston Vs Danny Davis, the Bolsheviks,
Ted DiBiase, and Koko B. Ware tagging with JYD. Monsoon labels JYD
'special'. Darn Tootin'!
To begin, however, it's Bam Bam Bigelow Vs Brian Costello. Before we
get going the announcers tell us about a big Battle Royale that Bam Bam
won, and how we can read about it in the new edition of WWF magazine.
Collar and elbow tie-up to start. Bam Bam hits a forearm and an elbow to
set up a fast normal suplex, or a slow snap suplex, depending on your
point of view. A diving headbutt, a slam and a fist drop are next, and
then we get a big thrust kick. After receiving a punch, Costello manages
to duck a clothesline, but gets creamed with a back elbow. A press slam
is sandwiched by Bigelow headbutts. The Bammer then does the clap the
hands while the arms squeeze the head thing. They did that in an advert
here about ten years ago, and a bunch of kids (myself included) copied it,
leading to eardrums getting busted and the advert getting pulled. Anyway,
a slam and the slingshot gets the win. 0 for 1. Bigelow went through
this in 1st gear. After the match Bam Bam does an almost Fresh Prince
handshake with Oliver Humperdink.
This week's special update with Craig DeGeorge isn't really very
special at all. He recounts the Dream Team break up at WMIII, and then
shows us the ending of their Superstars match last week, where the figure
four injured Beefcake's leg. The only new bit of information is a post
match interview, where Brutus, being helped by a trainer promises some
revenge. Craig can't really summon up any enthusiasm for it.
Next match now. The Bolsheviks Vs Brady Boone and Jim Evans. The
Russians are announced at 806lbs. Nikolai is fat, but holy hell that's
exaggerating things. Fatty Nikolai sings the anthem and the crowd says
'boo'. Volkov begins with Boone, and causes my jaw to hit the floor by
doing a spin kick, albeit to the mid-section. Boone is then whipped
against the ropes and comes back with a dropkick and some punches. This
jobber offence is killed big time by a clothesline that Boone attempts to
sell 360 style. He fucks this up and lands right on his head! Boone may
well have been injured as he tags Evans in straight away. Nikolai takes
over easily with double axe handles, an eye rake, and a gutwrench suplex.
Zukhov comes in, hits a backbreaker and does the pick up on 2. He tags
Nikolai back in and they do a mistimed double backdrop, causing Evans to
land square on his arse. Nikolai then does his bitchin' butterfly suplex,
but Evans, who obviously has no idea how to bump, lands BADLY on his knee.
I think he's injured there. Nikolai goes for a forearm as Slick appears
in the corner to tell us about how he'll win some Slammys. Zukhov comes
in hits a big boot and gets out. Nikolai pulls off a belly to belly,
despite Evans being almost dead weight. Tag to Zukhov as he kicks Evans
to the corner and goes to the top rope to drive Evans head to the mat with
his knee. Evans is either shit scared or in lots of pain by now, and
sells it as gingerly as possible. I don't even think his head hit the
mat. Thankfully that's enough. 0 for 2. Fair enough Boone made a
mistake, but Evans was way out of his depth here. When the first thing
went wrong he was a drowning man.
Backstage, and Mean Gene is with Mr Fuji. Gene says Fuji's men
sometimes go nuts he trains them so hard. Fuji concurs. Demolition turn
up and Smash declares that they're ready to go to the top. Ax states that
as per Fuji's instruction they've put 127 people in hospital. It would
have been 128 but one guy got lost under the ring. Ax is hilariously
funny. He called Gene 'Howard' again, as well. Jericho should be paying
him royalties or something. Tony Skee-a-vone. That was my favourite.
Now it's a gay, gay, gay, Slammy promo. It advises us to join 'Hulk
and the gang'. Piss off.
Its main event time as Danny 'Huge Cock' Davis takes on Sam Houston.
Houston gets two rights before the bell, then we have roll around
brawling. They go in and out of the ring with this four times, with
Houston banging Davis's head off the apron, being the only thing
resembling a move. Fuji has some comments about his displeasure
concerning the Million Dollar Man's attempt to buy the title. He also
says Killer Kahn should be the champion. Please God, no. More hugging in
and out of the ring until Houston accidentally (while clearly looking)
elbows the ref. Young Sammy then goes after Jimmy Hart and Davis clobbers
him with the megaphone. Hart throws Davis and Hebner back in, and Houston
gets counted out. Post match Houston comes back in, hits some rights and
OH MY GOD A HIPTOSS! After the match we GET A FUCKING MOVE! Houston then
does his stupid dance. 0 for 3. That may well have been the worst match
I've ever seen. Truly awful, it actually made Kennel in a Cell look like
Bret Vs Owen. The whole match took around four minutes, and didn't have a
move in it.
Mean Gene is with Jimmy Hart this time. Jimmy is delighted at
procuring the services of Greg Valentine, and here comes the Honky Tonk
Man. Honky's girlfriend is doesn't like how Elizabeth looks at him. He
promises to Shake, Rattle and Roll Liz. He also describes himself as 'the
total entertainment package', to which Gene gives the camera a knowing
look and says 'you're brutal on that guitar'. Gene rocks.
Our next match is Strike Force Vs Dusty Wolfe and Steve 'Aw Jesus Pat,
you could at least use some lubrication' Lombardi. We are informed that
SF's tune 'Girls in Cars' is up for a Slammy. Martel and Lombardi start
with a collar and elbow tie-up. Rick grabs an armbar, which gets reversed
into a headlock. Lombardi then rams Rick's head of the buckle and goes
back to the headlock. Rick flips out of this and does a cartwheel, which
for some reason makes Lombardi back off. It works, as Steve gets a kick,
a forearm, and engages in Canadian head to buckle action. Martel jumps
over Lombardi following a whip, and successfully attempts a hiptoss. Tito
is tagged in, and hits the deck as Wolfe is tagged in and tries a blind
charge, only to be nailed by Martel on the apron. Tito does a backdrop
and a dropkick to both Wolfe and the illegally interfering Lombardi. A
fireman's carry on Wolfe is turned into an armbar! Yay, Strike Force
armbar! Martel comes in and SF do a double punch. Rick has his own
armbar, which he manoeuvres into a northern lights suplex, still with the
armbar. Wolfe breaks this off with an eye poke, and tags out. Lombardi
gets armdraged into an armbar. Tito is tagged and he comes in with to
tope rope double axe handle on the arm... and grabs an armbar. Rick comes
back with an elbow to the arm and an armbar. This gets broken with
another eye poke. Oh no! The game is up for SF. A wicked new counter to
80% of their offence has been found. Wolfe comes in, but Martel dropkicks
both of them simultaneously. Outstanding. Tito comes in with a
clothesline on Lombardi and a forearm to Wolfe. Martel is back to finish
with a spinebuster into a Boston Crab, which he does successfully. 1 for
4. Strike force are just great (despite the armbars) and the jobbers more
than held up their end too.
It's time for the Craig DeGeorge on-stage interview. This week it's
with Ted DiBiase. Ted points out the new WWF magazine, where he bought
the cover. He just re-iterates that he's going to buy the title, as the
crowd have a weak 'Hogan' chant going on.
Down at the ring again we find Dino Bravo Vs Leapin' Lanny Poffo. Dino
has a new manager - Frenchy Martin, and a new theme tune - the Marseilles.
Play up that French Canadian stuff, its money in the bank. Or not. For
someone who's gimmick revolved around reading poems, you'd think Poffo
would be a bit better at it. Collar an elbow tie-up to begin. Bravo
works into an armbar, and throws Poffo down. Dino gets going with stomps,
a head to the buckle, chops, a whip to the buckle, a clothesline, and an
elbowdrop for 2. A gutwrench suplex is followed with two forearms to the
back. Poffo reverses a whip, gets in a hiptoss and some kicks and
punches. Martin turns up with some comments intimating that Bravo chose
him because he knows it all. In the ring Bravo reasserts himself with a
knee-lift and a sidewalk slam. The finish then comes with a side suplex.
That's a bit of a lame finisher. Post match Poffo is thrown out of the
ring. 1 for 5. A bit too short for the point, although Poffo bumps well
and I like Bravo quite a lot.
Craig DeGeorge hangs about with Koko, who is very excited about singing
at the Slammys.
This links to Koko B. Ware and the Junk Yard Dog Vs Terry Gibbs and The
Greatest Jobber Of All Time BARRY HOROWITZ. The jobbers don't get
announced, which pisses me right off. Barry begins with a headlock on
JYD, but his attempted shoulderblock is no sold. JYD gets an armdrag, and
Koko comes in with a dropkick. Gibbs is tagged in by Barry, and gets in a
knee and a shoulderblock. Koko fights back with an armdrag and a slam.
Barry is back in and a collar and elbow tie-up lets JYD in with a slam.
Jimmy Hart appears with comments that Honky is a better singer than Koko.
No arguments here, Colonel. Gorilla tells us Vince McMahon will sing at
the Slammys. A performance that turned out to be as hilarious as it was
drug fuelled. Koko is back in to drop a beautiful brainbuster on Barry
for the win. 1 for 6. Excluding the finish that was both 'bo' and
'ring'.
Gene is once again backstage, and he's joined by Rick Rude. Rude says
his goal is to knock off Hogan, but he accepts that Paul Orndorff will be
more than just a stepping-stone. Gene says he's been getting complaints
that Rude has been breaking up families all over the country. Rude says
women call him 'The Gift'. Why would they write to Okerlund about it?
Next week we'll see One Man Gang, the 'If You Only Knew' video, the
Hart Foundation, and Brutus Beefcake.
As we go we get to see a sign saying 'Hulkamania, money can't buy it.'
And that's your lot.
Overall: Strike Force keep saving these shows. Apart from them the ring
action either blew hard or was just boring. Words can't describe the
awfulness of the Houston/Davis match, and Jim Evans did not belong in a
WWF ring. Out of the ring Ax is quickly becoming my hero. Next week we
could find out who wins the Slammys and hopefully get some footage of
Vince singing, so join me for that. Join me.
Ian Mowat
[slash] wrestling
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