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WWF Classics (UK) by Ian Mowat





  • Normally I might comment on current wrestling here but I haven't seen Raw or Smackdown for three weeks now. Damn, employment sucks.

  • Originally aired Jan 1988.

  • I must apologise for the shiny WWF logo. Despite the fact he's the recognised symbol of sports entertainment, he is from Barcelona. Don't mention the war!

  • We are (not) LIVE from the Lee Civic Centre in Ft. Myers, Florida. Ft. Myers is apparently 'the city of palms'. Fantastic.

  • Our hosts Bobby and Gorilla are ebullient and distraught in equal measure. Bobby waves a flower under Gorilla's nose, so guess which one's which.

  • The opening montage stays the same. Certainty in an uncertain world.

  • This week: The British Bulldogs (with Heenan laughing all over the place due to the Matilda issue), the Hart Foundation and Danny Davis, Bam Bam Bigelow, The Million Dollar Man, and Hulk Hogan Vs King Kong Bundy from SNME.

  • Matchup: the first. The British Bulldogs Vs Terry Gibbs and Steve 'I think I'll shower back at the hotel actually' Lombardi. Davey Boy and Gibbs start. Collar and Elbow tie-up ends in a clean break. Davey grabs a headlock, is pushed off, and then comes back with a shoulder block. He then leapfrogs Gibbs, ducks a clothesline, and comes back with a crossbody for 2. Davey then thinks he's had enough of this shit and armdrag's Gibbs back to his own corner. Lombardi comes in and is then quickly armdraged twice into an armbar. Dynamite is then tagged in, gets a headlock, and hits a shoulderblock that is waaaaaaayyyyy oversold. Lombardi then fights out of a headlock, gets a leapfrog, but is caught in the BEST SNAP SUPLEX IN THE GAME BY GAWD. Gibbs returns to the fray and unleashes a bunch of kick and punch stuff that culminates in an elbowdrop, and a tag to Lombardi. Lombardi's kick and punch ends in a bite, which keeps Dynamite down for two. The Kid eventually gets a clothesline and tags his partner, as we watch the Islanders use invisible dog leashes in a humorous fashion. Heenan obviously pisses himself laughing at this. Davey performs a poor vertical suplex, and then a better butterfly one, which gets a two count that has to be interrupted by Gibbs. Gibbs is slammed for his trouble, and Lombardi is powerslammed. Gibbs tries to break again, but his elbowdrop hits Lombardi. The Bulldogs then whip the jobbers into each other, and then Lombardi into the buckle. Davey goes for the finish by slamming Dynamite to headbutt Lombardi for the win. The Bulldogs may have won, but no Matilda makes Bobby a merry lad. 0 for 1. Ok I suppose, but it was lacking that something and there was absolutely no heat for it.

  • Craig DeGeorge has a report, and you can bet its special. Craig informs me that we've all been praying for a brave little dog. Scrappy Doo is sick? Good. Actually they're talking about Matilda who was kidnapped by the Islanders a fortnight ago, and hasn't been seen since. Actually, THEY SHOWED AN INTERVIEW LAST WEEK WHERE THE BULLDOGS SAID THEY HAD HER BACK! WHO THE FUCK IS WORKING CONTINUITY! Anyway, they show the kidnapping, and then an interview with Jack Tunney who is going to suspend the Islanders. To make me chuck up my dinner, we then see a black screen with Matilda's head in the middle.

  • We return to our announcers, where Gorilla is smug and Bobby is irate. Despite their verbal sparring, they introduce the next match, which is...

  • Omar Atlas Vs Outlaw Ron Bass. Ron is pretty fucking fat, dude. Atlas starts with a headlock, and then an overhand wristlock, (Main event move circa 2002) but is thrown off of both due to Bass's awesome powers of fatness! Stupidly, Atlas tries a shoulderblock, and bounces off. His next tactic of running through Bass's legs and getting two dropkicks in quick succession works better, as Bass crashes down. Atlas then gets an armbar out of a collar and elbow tie-up, but is thrown to the corner, where he receives an elbow. Atlas is then thrown of the ropes and receives a running back elbow, followed by a running knee-strike. Bass wants to keep going, as he picks up Atlas at two, and delivers a headlock and punch combo. Both men then sort of scuffle on the ropes, until Bass is whipped but delivers a big clothesline on the way back. Surprisingly Bass's finishing move is the pedigree (no kick, or wham), and said move is delivered for the victory. Post match, Bass chokes Atlas with his whip 'Miss Betsy'. 0 for 2. Stunningly awful. Words can't do justice to just how bad that was.

  • Mean Gene lies in wait backstage, and finds Dino Bravo and Frenchy Martin. Bravo has martin to look after his business, while he takes care of business in the ring. Bravo then name checks the people he wants to knock off; Savage, Steamboat (Ricky's back? Yay!), Roberts, and Hogan, all must now quake in their respective footwear.

  • The next match would appear to be Dusty Wolfe Vs Bam Bam Bigelow. Bam Bam starts with a couple of armdrags, turning the second into an armbar. That is relinquished and Bigelow has to duck a clothesline before landing a lovely flying back elbow. The Bammer continues his assault with a snap suplex, a diving headbutt, and an elbow. Wolfe uses an eye rake to make a comeback, but his punches only hurt his hands. BAM BAM HAS A REALLY HARD HEAD. DO YOU GET IT? Bigelow then pulls off an impressive press slam, and goes down into a rear chinlock, where he proceeds to elbow Wolfe in the back of the head. Back up and Wolfe dodges a running elbow and works on the big man's arm while holding him in an armbar. After a while Bigelow is bored of this, pushes Wolfe down, gives him a vertical suplex, and then slingshots himself in for the win. A trademark cartwheel then arrives. 0 for 3. Looked good next to the previous match, but that's not saying much. At least Bam Bam got the crowd going.

  • Gene is once more backstage, and he's here to tell us about an exciting new event called the 'Rumble Royal'. He explains what we now know as the Royal Rumble rules and is then joined by the Killer B's who have never heard of anything as exciting as this 'Rumble Royal'. Gene tells us that the match will contain the One Man Gang, The Ultimate Warrior (first name check for Jim, I believe), and Jake Roberts, amongst others.

  • Next up it's the Hart Foundation and 'Dangerous' Danny Davis Vs Three Unnamed Jobbers, which I'll call J1, J2, and J3. J1 is buffed, J2 is nondescript, and J3 is skinny. J1 and Davis begin with a collar and elbow tie-up, and Davis has his Irish whip reversed, but lands a shoulderblock. J1 then drops down off of the ropes, then rises to land a flying back elbow, which gets 2. J2 is tagged in to take over, but Anvil legs it across the ring to cream him, allowing Davis to tag in Bret. Bret earns his fee for the evening by delivering a backbreaker and an elbowdrop. Neidhart is brought in to land a heart punch, and chuck J2 back to his corner so he can tag in J3. J3 is immediately shoved into the heel corner, where Bret gets a shot in, before entering the ring so he and his partner can perform the Hart Attack for the three. 0 for 4. Super short for a six man, and not naming the jobbers is criminal.

  • Now we go to Saturday Night's Main Event, where we can enjoy Hulk Hogan dropping the leg and pinning King Kong Bundy. After Hogan's win Andre the Giant clambers up onto the apron, but backs down when Hogan makes a challenge. The purveyor of Hulkaroo's then poses so Andre sneaks (as much as he can) into the ring and headbutts Hogan. He then chokes the champ, as Hogan sells pathetically. Out of nowhere the British Bulldogs appear, only to have no effect on Andre until he lets go of Hogan and gives the Dogs a double noggin knocker and throws them out of the ring. Andre then resumes choking the Hulkster. Strike Force, Jake Roberts, and JYD then run down, but can't pull Andre off. Hacksaw Jim Duggan then makes his way down and creams Andre with his 2x4. Andre no sells this but lets Hogan go long enough for everyone else to pull the world's favourite Real American out of the ring.

  • Craig DeGeorge stands on a stage, so it must be Craig DeGeorge special interview time. This weeks guests are Ted DiBiase and Virgil, and Ted says he'll still buy the title, and Andre will deliver it to him. Andre and Bobby Heenan come on down, and Bobby thanks Ted profusely saying he's not a fool like Hogan, he'll take the money. Andre then shows just how in touch he is with what's going on by claiming that he'll enjoy delivering the WWWF title to DiBiase. Uh, 1988 to Andre.

  • The crowd is very dead for the next match of Sam Houston Vs Jerry Grey. After an initial display of Houston's retard dancing, we get going. Grey begins with a headlock, and after a push off, a shoulderblock. Houston then gets a leapfrog and then falls down and pushes Grey over with his feet. Houston follows up with two armdrags into an armbar. This is released, and Grey tries the leapfrog/feet push thing but Houston stops and stomps on Mr Grey's head. At this time Heenan claims he'll stay in the WWF, even with the money 'to clean up the sport'. Houston delivers an atomic drop and then works over the arm while holding onto an armbar. Heenan continues being funny by intimating he'll buy the WWF and send Jack Tunney 'Back to polishing Hockey Pucks'. Ahahahaha! Grey counters Houston by pulling the Texans hair. Houston counters with an armdrag into an armbar. Grey attempts a clothesline to fight back, but Young Sammy ducks it, lands a few rights and a really ugly bulldog for the win. 0 for 5. To celebrate his victory Houston launches into even more retard dancing. Man, he sucks.

  • Keeping it in the ring, Greg Valentine Vs Pete Sanchez is our next match. Valentine starts with some chops, the two men then exchange rights, and Valentine takes over again with an elbow and a slam. After a suplex, Greg then decides to throw Sanchez out of the ring. Sanchez comes back in, but gets shoulderblocked. Valentine then lands a side suplex, drops an elbow, and puts on his figure four. About half a second later Sanchez is screaming at the top of his voice and the ref calls for the bell. 0 for 6. Valentine moves at a very pedestrian pace.

  • This evening's main event would appear to be Rick Renslow Vs Koko B. Ware. The crowd is so dead even Koko only gets a moderate pop. For some unknown reason he usually raises the roof. Renslow attacks before the bell and unloads with kicks and punches, and then stomps in the corner. Koko fights back with kicks of his own and a headbutt. Koko then catches Renslow with a running knee-lift, and goes up top to deliver a missile dropkick. The minute he comes down he (quite impressively) lifts Renslow up, and comes down with a beautiful brainbuster. 0 for 7. Koko was great on offence, but he got about four moves in, which isn't really enough for a point.

  • The final interview of the day sees Mean Gene talking to Ricky Steamboat. The Steamer says he's been away with his new son. (Didn't Vince fire him for taking time off over this?) Since he's been away Ricky knows there have been many big, bad men enter the WWF, but he's determined to win the IC title back off of the Honky Tonk Man.

  • Next week: Jim Duggan, Rick Rude, an update on Matilda (God, almighty), Demolition, and Jake Roberts.

  • To take us out we see the end of the montage.

  • Overall: 0 for 7 for the first time ever. While the wrestling was awful there was at least some angle development. Still the thing I'm looking forward to most is seeing when they change the 'Rumble Royal' to the 'Royal Rumble'. I'd talk about things more, but the shitty wrestling has extinguished the fire of my enthusiasm.

    Ian Mowat
    [slash] wrestling

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