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WWF Classics (UK) by Ian Mowat





  • Where was I last week? Did I go on holiday? Did I have the shits? Was I abducted by aliens? Did I fuck up recording the show? The answer is one of the above, so when you've finished deciding, read what is below. I'll try and be extra funny this week to make up, OK?

  • Originally aired January 1988.

  • The shiny WWF logo is the symbol of excellence in sports entertainment. Those were the days. Sigh. Fucking nature lovers. I urge you all to joining me in finding a panda and shooting it. In the face. With a bazooka. Twice.

  • We are emanating from the Nashville Municipal Auditorium in Nashville Tennessee, where in coming times both Yes and Def Leppard will play. What's the deal with Leppard, are they following the WWF around or something?

  • Bobby joins Gorilla on the stage and to the chant of 'Weasel' we're ready to get going, while the going is mediocre. Uh, I mean good. The going is good. Yes.

  • It's the same montage. It's looking a bit out of date now to be honest.

  • This week on the programme: Strike Force, Ted DiBiase, a special report on Matilda (please god, no.), the Honky Tonk Man, the Islanders and Don Muraco.

  • Jerry Allen Vs Honky Tonk Man would appear to be the first match-up, so lets see what happens. Honky turns up with Jimmy Hart and Peggy Sue, and some kids in the crowd have 'Out-shout the mouth' megaphones. That crazy WWF marketing department. We start with some stalling, and then Honky grabs an arm and works on it. Out of this, Allen gets his own armbar and Honky goes over to the ropes to break and eye rakes the jobber. HTM then goes into fast forward with clubs, a headlock 'n' punch combo, fistdrop, kicks to the face, and a head to the buckle. Allen thrown into the ropes, given a back elbow, and then thrown out of the ring. Back in the ring an Allen comeback is stopped with an elbow to the head, and is then snared in the Shake, Rattle, and Roll. That's the win, right there. After the match HTM mimes singing and thanks the audience. 0 for 1. Bleugh. Nothing wrong I suppose, and Honky is cool, but nothing to report here.

  • Craig DeGeorge's special report is a comin' round the mountain. It's about f'n Matilda again. Anyway, the gist of things is that Matilda is back but she's not well, the Islanders are reinstated, and you can send get well letters to an address in Stanford, and the Bulldogs promise to read all of them. BULL-SHIT!

  • Match, the second; Strike Force Vs Dave Wagner and Tiger Chun Li. Rumours that Mr Li is who Chun Li in Streetfighter II was named after are frankly wholly untrue. Tito and Li kick off. Tito turns an armbar on him, into a headlock of his own, but this doesn't work and he gets shoulder barged down. Tito fights back with backdrop, dropkick, and an armdrag into in armbar. (Copyright Strike Force. A subsidiary of Titan sports 1987.) Martell comes in with a running knee-lift and armbar. As Martel is dragged into the jobber corner, Demolition tell us that SF are avoiding them. Wagner comes in with a head to the buckle, but misses a blind charge. Martel unloads, a whip, a monkey flip. Tito in with an elbow off the 2nd rope, but he's then moved into the jobber corner. Li comes in with some chops, and then gets out. Wagner celebrates returning with a missed clothesline. Tito tags out, gets a dropkick on both, and then a slam on Wagner. Li is thrown over the top rope, and Tito jumps in with a flying forearm to get the win. 0 for 2. For a Strike Force match, that kinda sucked.

  • Mean Gene talks about the Royal Rumble (not the Rumble Royal), with Hacksaw Jim Duggan, who says his plan is to stay in a corner. Gene also outlines that on the Rumble card its Ricky Steamboat Vs Rick Rude, the Islanders Vs the Young Stallions and the Golden Girls Vs the Jumping Bomb Angels. Also Dino Bravo will attempt a new bench press world record. On a side note, I let a house to a man named Jim Duggan last week. Coincidence or accident? You decide.

  • Bam Bam Bigelow appears for a second to tells us that they [his opponents] are all gonna fall. Cheers, fatty!

  • Next, it would seem, it's Ted DiBiase Vs Dave Stoudimiere. Dave launches us by dropkicking Ted into Virgil. This only serves to piss off Teddy Boy (wouldn't that be a great gimmick for an indy wrestler? Teddy boy. He could have the hair and everything. On reflection I don't know how well it would work since I don't think Teddy Boys ever existed outside Britain.) who lays the boots in. Dave's head visits the turnbuckle, then his whole body visits the floor. With the jobber taking a powder DiBiase verbally berates Virgil for dropping some of the money. DiBiase visits the outside to pull off a slam. Back in he stomps some more, lands a back elbow, and goes to the 2nd rope for a double axe handle. A stomp on the face, a powerslam, and a regular slam, set up his finishing back elbow from the second rope. You can take this result to the bank! Hahahahahahaha! 0 for 3. That was actually OK, but I was able to take all my notes without pressing pause on the video once, a sure fire sign that things weren't exactly moving at Lucha pace.

  • More Meanage Geneage, as he stands with Don Muraco and discusses the rumble. At one point he calls Muraco 'The great one'. How much did Rocky rip off this guy? They both ruminate on the chances of the Ullllllllllllllllllllltimatewarrior, and suggest he's got great endurance. That's one they wish they had back, eh?

  • Bad News Mutherfucking Whoooo Hard Arse Bastard Brown!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talks to us for the second time. 'Soon there'll be nuthin' but Bad News' sayeth our saviour. I can't believe I missed his first words last week. The guy was Stone Cold Steve Austin in 1997, but 10 years earlier. He rocks!

  • From the sublime to the sycophantic we go as Brutus Beefcake Vs Dusty Wolfe is up next. Brutus has one of those out shout the mouth megaphones, and begins with some rights, and then does a clean break from the ropes. Wolfe capitalises with a right and the head to the buckle, followed by a whip, the result of which sees Wolfe charging into Beefcake's elbow. The Barber takes over with a suplex, a squash head between the knees thing, a kick, and two buckle head ramming action. Dusty puts a stop to this by booking his son in a PPV main event. What? Oh, wrong Dusty. Dusty Wolfe puts an end to this with an eye rake. He then grabs a headlock, but is pushed off the ropes and stuck in the sleeper, and loses. Post match there is the mandatory hair cutting, and during the match Jimmy Hart said something about a 'Ban the Barber' campaign. 0 for 4. That match, to quote Chris Cornell, was 'Riding me all the way.'.

  • Craig DeGeorge appears on stage with Ron Bass. Bass says he's big and bad, chokes Craig with his rope a little, and that's that.

  • We then see a camera crew hassling people in the audience for their predictions for the big Andre Vs Hogan match coming up. The people who look normal say Andre, while the freaks favour Hogan.

  • To the ring once more, where we are treated to Eric Cooper and Brady Boone Vs The Islanders. Bobby Heenan takes his team down to the ring with an invisible dog leash, and the Islanders pet the invisible dog. He-he. Boone and Tama start and Tama has the ascendancy with some clubs and a shoulderblock, then throwing Boone face first to the mat. Haku comes in with a forearm, but Boone jumps on him for a sleeper. Cooper is then tagged and makes his presence felt with some rights, and then he and his partner miss a double clothesline, and in a twist of karmic fate so divine it ultimately proves the existence of a higher power, both are clotheslined themselves. Haku continues with a butterfly suplex and some stomps and chops. Tama makes a cameo with a double axe handle, but Haku comes back with some clubs, his whip is reversed, but he lands a big thrust kick, and a suplex, before tagging Tama who gets the win with a BIG splash. He got some major air there my homies. 0 for 5. Once again OK, it just didn't float my boat.

  • More opinions on the title match, with one exception the split is as before including one rube who says Hogan will use his 74-inch python to get the win. 74 inch? Does he know how big that is? He'd know if I sodomised him, that's for sure.

  • Some fairly intense graphics tell us that Wrestlemania IV - 'Randy's big push' is just around the corner, in March. Cool.

  • 'The Ragin' Racist' Don Muraco Vs Iron Mike Sharp lets us look at the world of an upper level jobber. Mike wins two shoulder-charge battles, either side of a headlock. Another headlock is attempted but Muraco hiptosses out of it and lands a slam and a clothesline, before Sharp rolls out of the ring. Back in Muraco gets a headlock into a front facelock, but Sharp eye-rakes out of it, lands some rights has his clothesline ducked, and gets dropkicked THREE times, before being given the Tombstone for the three. 0 for 6. Mediocrity to the max.

  • Only Dino Bravo Vs WD Wellington can save us from a point free evening, and I ain't got much confidence in that. Big Bravo pushoff to start. WD gets an arm wringer, but suffers a right, a slam, a snapmare, and an elbowdrop, before a whip to the buckle. Dino continues with some chops, a toss, a hot shot, and a stomp, before nailing the sidewalk slam for three. 0 for 7. See how boring that was to read? You don't know half of my pain.

  • Gene blabs about the Rumble some more, this time with Slick. Who says he respects Gene, cos he's smart (?) and claims all four of his men will win together.

  • Next week: Junk Yard Dog, Greg Valentine, British Bulldogs, Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad News Brown, and Macho Man Randy Savage.

  • We are bid farewell, from our hosts, and then some adverts and shit come up, and like some other programmes after them.

  • Overall: 0 for 7 again. But once more it wasn't awful. I'll go on record by saying that it won't happen again, what with Savage, and Bad News, and JYD. Well, maybe not JYD, but you get the drift. Next week should give us news of the first Rumble, and be the last one of Hogan's first title reign. So join me for history. Join me.

    Ian Mowat
    [slash] wrestling

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