1998 IN QUOTES

Christopher Robin Zimmerman

Dedication: to Rick and Mike - duh.

OK, here's some randomly selected (mostly) highlights of 8+ months of RAW and Nitro reports - check 'em out weekly at WrestleManiacs - URL is <http://www.wrestlemaniacs.com>!

I compiled the RAW ones myself, mostly. Apparently, readers think I only say funny stuff in the Nitro reports. :) Since I didn't go over the Nitro columns, it might look more half-assed than the RAW section. You can either chalk this up to my bias or my incredible lack of time...

Thanks to Gary Spakes, Mark Coale (go read his WM column RIGHT NOW), Dan Mirgon, Ryan Abney, Dan Wade, KW Mizark (The People's Mark), and Lars Bredehšftfor their suggestions.

Special thanks to Bob Wade, MilkiFish (hey AOL screen name, get a damn REAL name - ahahahahah), oh and Brad C., for pretty much writing the Nitro section for me. EXTRA special thanks to Kim Stitzel for rewriting the Nitro section after I first put this thing up, but doing such a thorough job I HAD to put up a newer version.

Without further ado, travel back to April as I am dragged, kicking and screaming, out of retirement to report of pro-wrestling for online fans - and see what's bubbled up to the top of the bowl:

DAN SEVERN v. 2 COLD FLASH FUNK - Jim Cornette joins the commentators and hypes the Beast. They've brought four belts with Severn - the UFC5 belt, the Superfight belt, and the Ultimate Ultimate, oh, and the NWA World Heavyweight Championship. ... Flash taps out (2:55). Cornette: "That's a *wrestler*, and I'm taking him right to the top!"
RAW 6.4.98

Tennessee Lee, meanwhile, has a live mic on the walkway, and introduces Dubba J. The lights go down, and while Blackman foolishly stares at the entrance way, expecting a blinking horse, Jarrett has already made it into the ring behind Blackman. The lights come up, and we see Jarrett smash a "JJ AIN'T I GREAT" guitar, complete with sawdust filling, on Blackman's head. Blackman sells it just a touch better than Ahmed Johnson did way back when.
RAW 6.4.98

Triple H Triple Dog Dares the other three gents to relieve themselves on "those beautiful Titan bikes" - apparently, Chyna can NOT pee standing up.
RAW 6.4.98

Skull (or is it 8-Ball? talks): "Balls...*censored*..balls...*censored..." I guess they've issued a challenge to DX.
RAW 6.4.98

You know what's a fun game? To take a pool on how many times Faarooq says "Guess what" during an interview.
RAW 13.4.98

TERRY FUNK announces his new partner - oh, he's Terry Funk now, by the way, this is a GOOD thing. After lashing into "the Quitter Cactus Jack," he promises to put some Funk in our faces. His new hardcore partner is - is...FLASH FUNK?!? Good Lord. LES QUEBECOIS v. TERRY FUNK & 2 COLD FUNK - I guess they ARE related after all.
RAW 13.4.98

Ross: "Hey, how about calling a match, huh? How about that?" I'm with you, baby! ... JR: "Yeah, I got two words for 'em - suck it!" JR is hardcore (I guess).
RAW 13.4.98

Hey, look, Steve Austin has made it back to the arena! If Jim Ross says "Business is fixin' to pick up," take a drink!
RAW 20.4.98

Michael Cole interviews SABLE'S BREASTS (accompanied by Sable)
RAW 20.4.98

When we come back, Kelly (sitting on the ground) says he didn't know what the Undertaker saw, but he can only speculate that he must be headed back to the Arena. Man, that cemetary must be CLOSE [to Long Island]. I would have had it pegged a little close to Death Valley.
RAW 20.4.98

THE LOD TWO THOUSAND (with Spank-me - err, Sunny)
RAW 20.4.98

THE UNDERTAKER v. BARRY WINDHAM (with Jim Cornette and no entrance) - UT is wearing his "Jack of Spades" outfit. Tonight's title match is hyped before the lockup. Kick to the gut, right, right, whip, reverse, missed lariat, chokeslam, pickimup, tombstone, 1, 2, 3, thank you, drive through. (:59) Maybe THAT'S why we rarely see the guy wrestle on TV. Har, har.
RAW 27.4.98

A CG spot shows the WWF logo walking into a bar, slamming a brew, and belching loudly. Man, that IS attitude!
RAW 27.4.98

No sooner does James stop talking but out comes LOD 2000, oh and Sunny. "Hey DX, you know the five of you remind me of five dingleberries clumped together in the sweaty crack..." ok, that's enough of that.
RAW 4.5.98

Let us take you back to last week, when Sable challenges Marc Mero to a match. We cut to some footage of Sable ... ahem ... working out. This actually IS as exciting as it sounds, even if she didn't seem to break a sweat the entire time. ("But CRZ, ladies don't sweat, they glow." "Shut up, you know what I mean.")
RAW 4.5.98

Val Venis vignette - great gosh a mighty, he's joined by "actress" Jenna Jameson! Surely this is a sign of the impending apocalypse! And remember, the louder I protest, the more I wanna see her NAKED!
RAW 4.5.98

More from D-generation X at the CNN Center - where they are apparently not supposed to film, but that didn't stop them. The rent- a-cops seem generally good humoured about the whole situation. About a million times tonight, Jim Ross will let you know that Nick Lambrose *actually called 911 and tried to get the whole lot of them arrested* - which proves....um, let me get back to you on that.
RAW 11.5.98

[Unintentionally funny line that got lots of Baltimore fans to write me:] Hey, look, there's Baltimore Raven Tony Siragusa in the audience! Why is the audience booing him?
RAW 11.5.98

Castrol GTX presents WWF Over the Edge! When you think WWF wrestling, think Castrol GTX MOTOR OIL!
RAW 11.5.98

The Road Dogg does his spiel and the crowd is chanting along - so I guess we'll be hearing this for a long time, if the crowd digs it.
RAW 11.5.98

Val Venis climbs the ropes, and hits the big splash - of course, it's called "the Money Shot" - and that's all she wrote. 1, 2, 3. (6:09) This Scorpio looks a lot like the old Flash Funk, har har.
RAW 18.5.98

X-Pac: "DX got game!" HHH: "[poor man's Michael Buffer followed by masturbation jokes]" Road Dogg: "[I did this last week and EVERY week]" James DOES call Owen Hart "Cannibal Lecter" so I'll give him props for that at least.
RAW 18.5.98

Puke actually looks ok in this outing, but what this really comes down to is that this is another DOA/LOD match and I won't provide details, nope, I won't, I won't. Suffice to say all hell breaks loose, all six men go at it, but with Puke and Chainz left in the ring, Puke hits what looks like an old Pearl River Plunge but I'm sure it will have a different name. 1, 2, 3 (4:05) - they're still fighting, yippee! This feud will NEVER end. Well, maybe Sunday. But I doubt it.
RAW 25.5.98

JACKYL leads Hank, the Angry, Drunken Dwarf and Crackhead Bob to the ring - this can only end in tears. The Howard Stern connection is emphasized, when what they SHOULD play up is that their guy (Hank) beat the other guy (Flair) in the People's Poll. Anyway, Jackyl introduces his friends to the audience - and DOES play up the People poll win for Hank. Hank says a lot of bleepable stuff so I have no idea what he said, but I think the gist is he doesn't like that Internet thing. Turning to Bob, Jackyl asks him to quote "Network" and he complies. The Jackyl's "parade of human oddities" continues with Princess Luna (yeah!), Golga (John Tenta in a mask), and a great big guy whose name gets edited out of the broadcast. ... What follows is a totally uneventful match which sees Thrasher dominate until Golga hits a power move - repeat until consciousness is lost.
RAW 25.5.98

As per my standing policy, I won't bother to fill you in on the exciting details of like the *millionth* LOD/DOA match. The twist is that there's a lot more chair shots, random metal shots, and Sunny screaming where we can hear it.
RAW 1.6.98

[Mero:] "You want Sable? Well guess what. Sable's home barefoot in the kitchen where she belongs. However, however, the lady I'm about to introduce, is everything that Sable is not. Not only does she know her place, not only does she have a bod to die for, but she's black, she's beautiful, and she's mine. Ladies and gentlemen, the sultry, the sensuous, JACQUELINE!"
RAW 1.6.98

What's a "Yurinaji?" - that sounds obscene, Ross! (Yes, I know it's hypocritical to ALSO make fun of Ross for CALLING a move. Sue me.)
RAW 1.6.98 [Guess I meant "uranage", ha]

MARK HENRY v. TERRY FUNK in a King of the Ring Qualifier - Psst, this match should suck.
RAW 1.6.98

New Stone Cold shirt! Remember, DTA stands for "Don't Trust Nobody."
RAW 8.6.98

Owen comes to the ring with his "whiny bitch" music.
RAW 8.6.98

Here's a special video tribute to Sable. If I were Darrell Hammond, I'd pretend I were Ted Koppel and say "Oh, come on!" This is almost as bad as Shawn Michaels losing his smile.
RAW 8.6.98

The King of the Ring is presented by Super Soaker! Go soak your head!
RAW 15.6.98

Replay shows Vader blatanly cheating for Shamrock - no, sorry, that's "getting a measure of revenge against Mark Henry." Okay.
RAW 22.6.98

SABLE'S BREASTS reappear. Ten seconds later, SABLE reappears.
RAW 22.6.98

Let me take this opportunity to give Mad Props to Jerry Brisco, Pat Patterson, the LOD Two Thousand AND the Disciples of Apocalypse for staying off my television this week. Keep up the fine work, boys!
RAW 22.6.98

End result: Tonight we get a Triple Threat between the '94, '97 and '98 Kings of the Ring. This just in - Mabel will NOT be participating. Austin's got better things to do. And Bret Hart - well, you know.
RAW 29.6.98

MARVELOUS MARC MERO (without Jacqueline) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (without Riggs & Murtaugh - see them this summer in the sequel to the sequel to the sequel!) in a BRAWLforALL - the Brawl has it's own music, I guess. ... Mercifully, this match is over. Blackman is announced as the winner (points) - Lawler and Ross are trying to put this over as an �exciting addition to our sport - I say we should never speak of it again.
RAW 29.6.98

Hey, you know who ELSE used rounds? The AWF! I wonder whatever happened to THOSE guys. "Boring" chant has taken over with the crowd. I guess we all need some training as viewers - or just maybe, we're ALL CORRECT. ... We better get used to this, it's (apparently) gonna happen for WEEKS.
RAW 29.6.98

What we just experienced is a soaring high followed by a crashing low. Ha! Not that either team deserves Ellering, now that I think about it - I'm not too hot on either team right now. Was Sunny just written out? And was that like, the QUICKEST turn we'd ever seen? (Maybe Brian Adams on Bret Hart on Nitro...wait a minute, aren't Adams and Hart on the same side now? Hmmmm...)
RAW 29.6.98

[Most sarcastic looking non-sarcasm:] King of the Ring Encore ad. It's WORTH EVERY PENNY! NO, REALLY! YOU MUST SEE IT! I WOULDN'T USE CAPITAL LETTERS IF I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT MYSELF!
RAW 29.6.98

BRAKUS v. SAVIO VEGA in a BRAWLforALL match - oh boy, it's back! The thrills and excitement of wrestlers attempting to fight with gloves on!
RAW 6.7.98

Like many of you, I made a Mabel joke last week. I too feel responsible for him coming back. I apologise. ... Michael Cole interviews Shamrock - "I don't need your weak-ass sympathy! Mabel, if you're any kind of man, you'll meet me TONIGHT!" Admittedly, Shamrock's best interview. Also his shortest. Not coincidentally.
RAW 6.7.98

Now to prove that I'm as sexist as the next male wrestling fan, I'll give you a preview of the bikini match. "Well, granted, Sable has bigger breasts, but Jackie doesn't mind letting her nipples poke out from behind whatever she's wearing. This should be a close match. " There, that's enough for this week.
RAW 6.7.98

Well, let's never see him again now. The good news is Mabel worked the entire match without unintentionally injuring Shamrock, ha!
RAW 6.7.98

THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS (with Chyna) v. KANE & MANKIND (with Paul Bearer) for the WWF World Tag Team Championships - the Champs come out first, so we can all sing along with Colin - err, Jesse. Almost a whole hour has come by, and two chances, and Jim Ross has NOT said "hell fire and brimstone" a SINGLE time. I find this extremely troubling. The attendance is announced at 17,569 - I think Ross just wanted to sneak a 69 in there to see if I'd notice.
RAW 13.7.98

Ref is out to break up Henry and Chyna (why?) - oh, so the Rock can take Helmsley out of the Pedigree he's putting on Brown - ROCK BOTTOM on Helmsley! Great Caeser's ghost - ref is in - 1, 2, 3!!!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new European Champion! And D-Lo's eyes somehow open up even wider than mine are as he takes the belt. (6:05) I guess I take back everything I said about D-Lo Brown being a jobber. From now on, I'll only refer to the Godfather that way.
RAW 20.7.98

Oh, YAMAGUCHI-SAN and KAIENTAI are out, along with KYOKO (?), his wife. Yamaguchi is incensed, and promises to dole out some punishment (which he spells out, and I almost thought that when he spelled out "P-U-N-I-S..." it was something else. She parts the ropes for all four men and then we're going to experience the Crawl of Shame - where she drops to her knees, and supposedly crawls under his legs and gets paddled. I say "supposedly," because of course VAL VENIS comes out and grabs the paddle, then uses it across the chest of most of the Kaientai members until they scatter. Then he helps Yamaguchi's wife out of the ring - and walks out carrying her in his arms, honeymoon threshhold style. She's all smiles, he's all smiles - yep, they're off to do some big time lovemakin', I'm sure. Cue the Barry White, ohhhh yeah. Can't get enough of your love, babe. Remember, kids, adultery is *O.K.* if the husband is an EVIL JAPANESE GUY!
RAW 20.7.98

Austin 3:16 jersey - sure it LOOKS cool, but is it REALLY worth $48.99? (Don't write me back saying "hell yeah" - that was a rhetorical question, see. And you're nuts.)
RAW 20.7.98

Some words I failed to transcribe during this [Sable/Jacqueline] segment: skank, sow, ho, Sable saying her body kept people "up all night" (yep, that's pretty buoyant of her to say that), and some other Springer-type excitement.
RAW 20.7.98

It's "DROZ'S WORLD" - where puking is COOL and snakes and guns and tongues and other stuff - ah, hell, forget it.
RAW 27.7.98

Holy crap, Gunn just KO'd Williams with a massive left! That's gotta make those guys fixing this tourney REALLY unhappy. Replay shows Bart with some cement block punching, and Williams' head literally BOUNCING off the canvas. IN fact, he's STILL out. Ross tries to make Dr. Death sound like he hasn't just ruined his reputation forever, and certainly I'LL never bring it up next time we see him. Hahaha...
RAW 27.7.98

BRADSHAW has joined the commentators at the table. He had no problem punking Funk (say THAT five times fast)... Jerry Lawler starts to ask Bradshaw something and Bradshaw grabs Lawler asking him to call the match - "nobody wants to listen to your Comedy Central!" ... Ross: "Bradshaw just tagged the DOA - what the hell for?" Scorpio gets one more lucha-style axehandle before Bradshaw pastes HIM as well. Now he's in the ring and trading punches with Faarooq (DQ 3:25) [Hey! Faarooq and Bradshaw are FRIENDS now!]
RAW 27.7.98

[Match of the Year] BRAKUS v. JESUS (no entrance) - surely an auspicious debut to take on the son of God! Brakus is rated TV-PG-V and comes out to Mark Henry's good-guy music (I guess I'm not supposed to remember that, ha!). Clip of Savio taking apart Brakus in the Bral for All match is supposed to make Brakus look good - it doesn't. Lockup, powerout. Brakus whips Jesus and hits a powerslam. Elbow drop. Brakus sure does a lot of shouting for a German guy. Another elbow drop. Stomp on the back. Spinebuster. 1, 2, 3. Whoops, that's it. (:51)
RAW 27.7.98

Finally, we turn back to Kaientai - there's a challenge for next week, and after they win the match, Yamaguchi is going to chop up a bratwurst. No, I guess that's symbolic. For those of us who still didn't get it, Yamaguchi says "I choppy choppy your pee pee." Graphic replay of the sausage halving. Suddenly I crave a sandwich.
RAW 27.7.98

Last week, wrestlemaniacs.com once again received mention in Hyatte's letter(s) of the week. I thank you for your support. Since it's been two weeks in a row, I feel obligated to once again return the favour and plug the Mop-ups at Scoops Central - go read it, if only to see what he sneaks in about Zimmerman and WrestleManiacs at the top of the column. Plus he's a damn funny guy, and most of all, IT ANNOYS AL! And let me say one more time, it's okay to like both of us. I'm pretty sure Hyatte doesn't mind, and you damn well know I don't care. And we're NOT the same guy, so stop asking. (Do people ask him this too?) You know, more than one guy can have the same first name - yeah, I'm talking to you using WebTV. Come on.
RAW 3.8.98 [Was I on DRUGS when I wrote that? ;-) ]

Ross asks what happened to the Jackyl and I have to wonder the same thing. "Marc, oh Marc, I brought a present for you, and Jacqueline, I've got a really big surprise for you too. In the past,, we may have been enemies, but now we have a mutual understanding...gentleman, if you will..." And a thousand strings fire up - and here's KURRGAN and GIANT SILVA, in tuxedos. Kurrgan sings "There She Is, Miss America." No, I am NOT making this up. Apparently, "Miss America" is PRINCESS LUNA TUNES, out in robe and bouquet. ... Some Insane Clown Posse is played - and ROSS pegs it.
RAW 3.8.98

[Unintentionally funny error of the Year] It's Bart starting for the Outlaws.
RAW 3.8.98

Sable says "WWF Sunday Night Heat" - I think. Poor girl, somebody left a mister on near her and now she's all sparkly and her flesh reflects light.
RAW 3.8.98

SummerSlam is brought to you by Stri-Dex! Or as I like to call 'em, Zit-Wipes!
RAW 3.8.98

VAL VENIS & TAKA MICHINOKU v. TOGO & FUNKAI (with Teoh & Yamaguchi-San & an unhappy Mrs. Yamaguchi) - Let Us Take You Back to Clips of Venis making it with Mrs. Yamaguchi - clearly the actions of a fan favourite. ... Just when you think there aren't enough angles happening here, Taka dropkicks Val Venis, Kaientai and Taka quad-team Venis and now we learn that - and remember, the most outrageous stuff is the stuff I CAN'T make up - Mrs. Yamaguchi is Taka's *sister*. Fat looking senton bomb, all five of the Japanese contingent due the Rude swivel-hip in a circle jerk around Venis, and they drag off Val - presumably to choppy-choppy his peepee.
RAW 3.8.98

Backstage, Kaientai continue to drag Val by his Valbowski (ok, not really), while Mrs. Yamaguchi looks concerned. Mrs. Yamaguchi, we've just learned, is Taka's sister.
RAW 3.8.98

Kaientai continues to put the boots to Venis, and Mrs. Yamaguchi (who, in a startling turn of events, is really Taka Michinoku's SISTER!) continues to look forlorn.
RAW 3.8.98

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - Yamaguchi's got his samurai sword, and threatens the cameraman until he's behind a closed door. Oh no! Can they really be...dragging this out until the end of the show? By the way, Taka's there because it turns out that Mrs. Yamaguchi IS HIS SISTER.
RAW 3.8.98

Let's quickly go backstage where a cabal of security guards is knocking down the door. We see Venis, pixelated where his bare ass might be, as if his shorts are dropped and something is on the big wooden chopping block - his hands are bound and secured to the ceiling. Taka holds back his sister...Yamaguchi has the samurai sword high in the air...the picture fades to black...we hear a scream...a whack...another scream...Whoops, it's 11:05. See you next week! By the way, Mrs. Yamaguchi is TAKA'S SISTER.
RAW 3.8.98

[The Oddities are] faces now, you know. And if you missed when THAT happened, you're with me, baby. ... Ross makes me physically ill by saying "The Oddities - they feel wanted! They feel good about themselves! ...thanks to Sable!"
RAW 10.8.98

DARREN DROZDOV v. SAVIO VEGA in a BRAWLforALL match - Droz advances by virtue of his draw with Hawk, and the fact that Hawk belongs in the Betty Ford Clinic. Vega, of course, demolished Brakus. Savio gets a takedown but the ref doesn't award the points. Savio's bald now, by the way. Droz is almost bald - he's got a goofy ponytail and that's it. The first round is boring and the unofficial scoring gives it to Droz because he's white and they're racist. Droz lands some good punches and gets a takedown (crowd pops, amazingly enough - of course, they're all rednecks rooting for the white boy anyway) I'm guessing Droz gets the second round, too. Third round sees Savio try a takedown and not get the 5, while Droz tries a takedown and DOES get the 5 - those damn racists - what have they got against the Boriqua? Ross yells out "Hemaygodown! Hemaygodown!" when there ain't no way in hell Vega's gettin' knocked out. Anyway, Droz wins and who cares.
RAW 10.8.98

Michael King Cole is backstage with Chyna, who is testing the theory that if you wear a tight white top, your breasts will look bigger. Chyna tells Cole to "thuck it" and shoves him over the top of the convertible.
RAW 10.8.98

10-10-321 ... sponsors the close-captioning (becuase if you're hearing imparied, you NEED to make those collect calls on the phone!)
RAW 10.8.98

You can tell Jarrett is suddenly twice as evil becuase he has THE EVIL GOATEE.
RAW 10.8.98

GODFATHER (with 3 ho's) v. VADER (with no ho's) - Ross tries to demur about the major league ass-kissing he's been giving Dr. Death and I'm not buying it. I'm just getting pissed off tonight. "I wanna ask you a question, big Vader, have you ever been with a ho? Hey, you DO know what a ho is, don'cha? Well feast your eyes on this, huh?" Vader has a puppy-dog look that resembles a starving man at a Sizzler buffet. "I'm gonna make you an offer that you can't refuse. You have a choice now, big Vader." Of course, the choice is that he can fight the Godfather or spend the night with the ho's. Vader shakes his head "no," proving that he's a damn fool. "I don't think you understand me. You have your choice, baby, of fighting me, or you got ALL THREE OF THEM FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT!" Vader accepts, proving that he's a damn smart man. Vader's music plays as if he's won the match, and when you think about it, he IS a winner. (No contest) Before he leaves, he approaches Bart. My lip reading sucks, but I *believe* he says something along the lines of "next week when you get in the ring with him, I say, you take the women." Bart, of course, ko's Vader with one left hand, proving that Vader's just a fat piece of shit. Bart hits the ring and brawls with the Godfather until the bevy of WWF officials separates the two men. Godfather takes his ho's and leaves. Almost-bare ass count in this segment: 2.
RAW 10.8.98

VAL VENIS is in a wheelchair, being pushed by JOHN WAYNE BOBBIT and flanked by MRS. YAMAGUCHI, who in a bizarre plot twist last week was revealed as Taka Michinoku's sister.
RAW 10.8.98

The third round ends and Mero should have won 15-10, but it's a draw, and there will be one more round. Crowd is thrilled that they get to watch another round of this "action." Bradshaw is sucking wind and deserves to lose. Mero holds the ropes while Bradshaw fails to break. So they're both cheating. Bradshaw with a Goldberg-esque spear while Ross screams "big takedown! big takedown! big takedown!" So Mero tries a takedown but it doesn't happen. Now it looks to me like Mero again hit the most punches so it's still a draw, but Bradshaw is announced the winner. What bullshit. It's completely obvious they WANTED Bradshaw to move on and they made sure he won - it was a fix. Total bullshit. This whole tourney is bullshit. Tonight's entire show is bullshit, professional wrestling in general is bullshit. Quote me.
RAW 10.8.98

Time for the main event (with at least 22 minutes to go? Those intros must take a while) and do you realise this is only the SECOND match? No, dammit, BRAWLforALL contests DON'T count. And the first match was Luna/Jacqueline! Even NITRO can give me more wrestling than this! Come on, WWF, give me some damn wrestling on my damn wrestling program. Is that too much to ask?
RAW 10.8.98

GODFATHER (with three hos) v. BART "LEFTY" GUNN (with no hos) in a BRAWLforALL Semifinal - Both men land a fair number of punches, but we all know if it's close, they'll give it to Whitey, so Bart's up 5-0 in the official scoring.
RAW 17.8.98

Hot tag to Faarooq! Faarooq is on fire!
RAW 17.8.98

DARREN DROZDOV v. (justin "hawk") BRADSHAW in a BRAWLforALL semifinal - Let me go on the record and predict another bullshit victory for Bradshaw, simply because it would be more impressive to put Gunn over Bradshaw, besides it preserves the traditional face/heel match. ... Fairly even round but the replays are all Bradshaw and besides, they WANT Bradshaw to win, so he gets the unofficial 5. ...Fairly even third round which means the fix is in and they'll give it to Bradshaw. Sure enough, he's announced as the winner and the look on Droz' face says "I *knew* it was fixed."
RAW 17.8.98

DUSTIN RUNNELLS speaks: "You know the Bible says your body is a temple. And as a result, we should be careful what we put into it. Why then would you want to poison your mind? Well, here's an idea for you. Instead of watching this next segment of the War Zone, try curling up with a good book. Something like "Oliver Twist," or "Ivanhoe," or my personal favourite - the New Testament. You'll be glad you did, because He IS coming back. May God bless you all." The preceding was sponsored by The Evangelists Against Television, Movies & Entertainment. (Yes, I see the acronym. But that doesn't mean I have to mention it. Must I beat you over the head with EVERYTHING?)
RAW 17.8.98

KURRGAN (with the Oddities) v. MARVELOUS MARC MERO (without Jacqueline) - This match consists of Mero punching, and Kurrgan making a joke of the entire industry. Sable stays behind to smile approvingly while Kurrgan busts the proverbial move.
RAW 17.8.98

ROAD WARRIOR HAWK is out acting drunk and trying to expose the business just enough to make you wonder if it's a work or not. (Psst, it is.) Ross says "Cut his mic" a few times and looks generally unhappy that Hawk's sitting next to him.
RAW 17.8.98

The Rock talks about "the People's Ladder," "the People's Champ," "the People's Choice," "the People's Laundry Detergent," and a few other People's Items. Anyways, the Rock tells Chyna that he knows what a crush she has on him and it ends with "you just need to get some...and Chyna, honey, if you're lucky, about 1.30, 2 o'clock in the morning later tonight, the Rock's just the one to give it to ya if you smell what the Rock's cookin'" She rushes the ladder but Owen and D'Lo get her. "Put her on her knees where she belongs! ... almost looks like a natural position." And...yeah, he tells her to "experience the Magic of the Rock..." but instead of kissing her, he tells her "there's no way [he'd] ever kiss a piece of trash like you!" So the Rock asks Mark Henry to kiss her instead. Mark does a neat tongue thing - approaches Chyna - and ... hey, there's SHAWN MICHAELS come to play the white knight! Chair to Henry's head. The Nation scatters. Michaels hands the chair to Chyna and goes over to the commentary table so he can stand on it and dance to "(I'm Just A) Sexy Boy."
RAW 17.8.98

BRADSHAW v. (NO LONGER BODACIOUS) BART "LEFTY" GUNN in the BRAWLforALL finals - ... Gunn only needs two more punches to finish the job. Bradshaw is knocked LOOPY. You know what the best part of this is? Freakin' *Bob Holly* was the only one of Bart's opponents not to get knocked out. (KO, 1st round)
RAW 17.8.98

Venis' angle is that he sleeps with other guy's wives?
RAW 14.9.98

JACQUELINE (with Marvy Marc Mero) v. (THE LOVELY) SABLE in an Evening Gown Match - ... Well, sometimes you have to leave the computer and just watch what happens. I forgot to time this match, too. Sable won - I saw many rasins, so I guess I won too. Then Sable took her own nightgown off so the fans would cheer some more. Yes, friends, the REAL winners were the FANS! Wow, I haven't been this excited since I had that wicked erotic fantasy about licking beads of sweat off the neck of Monica Seles - I've said too much. ... You know what the best part of this was? *Neither woman spoke a word.*
RAW 14.9.98

As Sable enters the ring, we see a shot of the woman everyone's identifying as TERRI POWERS except the commentators - just to set us up for weeks down the road, wink wink.
RAW 21.9.98 [Has it really been THREE months?]

Snow has some music all ready, but before he can celebrate, JERRY BRISCO & PAT PATTERSON are out to put the fists and loafers to Snow. The save is made by SCORPIO. Hey, when *Scorpio* is saving you, what kind of jobber are *you* destined to become?
RAW 21.9.98

Lawler: "Well let me just say this, like Stone Cold Steve Austin is not here yet, well, Jim Carrey's not here yet either, and I thought maybe he'd be here in person tonight to listen to what I had to say about him, so until he IS here in person, I'm gonna save my comments - I will just say that what HAS been reported so far is far from the truth - if I HAD savagely attacked Jim Carrey, he would still be in the hospital today. I'll save whatever else I've gotta say until Jim Carrey is here in person."
RAW 28.9.98

[Shamrock] fails to say "knuckle up" or "in the zone" but DOES end his interview with "Let's get it on" as part of his ongoing tribute to the late, great Marvin Gaye.
RAW 28.9.98

Let me do a quick ICP imitation for you. "Handslikethis! Handslikethis! Handslikethis! Handslikethis!"
RAW 28.9.98

X-PAC v. VAL VENIS (with Terri Runnels and her headlights) for the WWF European Championship - Venis makes a headlights joke for the Detroit crowd, so I guess I'm not the only one noticing Terri's - never mind.
RAW 28.9.98

Ken "is receiving a less than warm welcome," sayeth Ross, nudge nudge, you HATE Shamrock now, you HATE Shamrock...oh sorry, got mesmerized for a sec there.
RAW 28.9.98

Sable will be on Pacific Blue next Sunday night - in a startling dramatic turn, she'll play a slut behind bars!
RAW 5.10.98

Jackie's got scissors! She's shearing a lock from the blonde tresses...well, you get the idea. That's a Jeff Jarrett impression there, isn't it? Jacqueline shows off the hair as she and Mero share a laugh. Don't cry Sable, you still have your enormous breasts.
RAW 5.10.98

DISCLAIMER: I am SICK. As in unwell, not as in sick. Yeah.
RAW, 19.10.98

Blackman's opponent is JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET who is accompanied by DEBRA McMICHAEL. *Holy shit!* I wasn't gonna believe it until I saw it, and now that I've seen it - well, hell, I STILL don't believe it. Debra looks a lot finer when she's showing all that leg, too - the Wonderbra doesn't hurt either. We cut over to the War Zone as they reach ringside. Crowd is appropriately lecherous to break out into a "Show Your Tits" chant, and I can't say as I wouldn't mind too much if - wait, am I talking about Debra McMichael here?
RAW 19.10.98

[on Tiger Ali Singh and the Godfather:] Remember fans, in this feud, the face is the PIMP.
RAW 19.10.98

Terri tries to console Val, who is sufficiently spooked out, then she whispers something in his ear - Terri smiles broadly, but Val turns white as a sheet (or his towel) and then walks off, leaving her alone...I hope to *God* this doesn't turn into a pregnancy thing.
RAW 19.10.98

KANE v. UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) in a Casket Match - THE FUN BROTHERS EXPLODE! Whoops, sorry, got a Megapowers thing going there.
RAW 19.10.98

Nestle Crunch proudly presents Survivor Series: Deadly Game. It's just more fun to Munch! Lawler: "We guarantee you'll see it in it's entirety!"
RAW 26.10.98

D-GENERATION X (what's left of it) comes out and introduces MOTLEY CRUE. What'shisname has duct taped over the "U" in his T-shirt, so it says FCKER. Cute. They sing a song or something. I consider snack options. I settle for some Cheetos despite the fact that I should be typing later tonight and that orange stuff NEVER comes off your fingers unless it's on a computer keyboard, where it's incredibly annoying and also NEVER comes off. I get back to the TV just in time to see the Outlaws and X-Pac generally looking like asses with what'shisname. Say, wasn't he married to Heather Locklear? Then a fan jumps up and joins them, and their "bodyguard" drags him off...hmm, just like LAST night on "Heat." Anybody think that the bodyguard is probably a new WWF superstar and those "fans" were plants? Nah, that would be so CYNICAL of me to believe. Buy the new Motley Crue CD Greatest Hits CD TOMORROW! DO NOT WAIT! KANE IS NEXT!
RAW 26.10.98

And now JVCKaboom!box presents the Kaboom! of the week! It's Al Snow getting creamed with Jarrett's guitar after the Head was distracted by Debra McMichael. Hey wait - is the Head a lesbian?
RAW 26.10.98

Michael King Cole interviews Mankind and Al Snow. And Mr. Socko. And the Head. Let's call the whole thing off. Oh, all right. Mankind: "Well, Al is an exceptional wrestler, and we need an exceptional wrestler when you take on the tag team Champions, even if I do feel that with the exception of the Rock's elbow that the Head is just about the STUPIDEST thing you'll ever-" "Hey! Now look, *Einstein*, if you haven't noticed, you're just talkin' to a SOCK!" "Well, aren't you the clever one, I know he's just a sock - I painted him myself! But isn't he cool?" If the Outlaws don't like it, they've got one word for them - but Mankind thinks the word is "Socko" and Snow thinks it's "Head."
RAW 26.10.98

Fortunately for us, Hawk bumbles out as if he's been kissin' the snifter, if you catch my drift. Ross: "Looks like not only is he off the wagon, looks like the wagon's run him over." Ross goes on to say Lawler shouldn't make light of the situation. Ross, you're a hypocrite.
RAW 2.11.98

Michael King Cole is backstage with Al Snow and Mankind and their respective voiceboxes. Al calls Cole "Todd" which will always be funny, Mankind says that the Secrets of Professional Wrestling were revealed to him last night ("you stomp the mat!" Al: "NO!!") and then Socko says something about tie dye dancing (Dude Love?) and Snow says "Head." Yeah.
RAW 2.11.98

Did I mention ZZ TOP are in the audience? You don't CARE? But, dude, the significance of the "Velcro Fly." I mean, "Sleeping Bag!" COME ON! It's ZZ Top! Oh, you're right.
RAW 2.11.98

Last night, Terri Runnels told the world that she was pregnant with a little Valbowski. Val went on to kick her to the curb - and THIS guy is the FACE? Val compares himself to Hakeen Olajuwon but fails to use the word "dribble."
RAW 2.11.98

Mosh puts on the helium voice: "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages - Stoopid Degeneration X sadly brings to you it's wanna-be tag team chaaaaaaaaampions of the woooo(coughing) - I can't do it because I suck - Puppy Dog Jerky James, Dumbass Rockabilly - the NEW - AGE - IDIOTS!" Thrasher: "And if you're not down with the fact that the only reason I have a nice ass is because I have implants, I have two words for ya - YOU SUCK!"
RAW 2.11.98

Venis compares himself to Deion Sanders - they DO have something in common now that I think about it; I don't really like either of them. We see a couple Dallas Cowboys in the audience (as opposed to in the slamma, ba-dum-bum).
RAW 9.11.98

Later tonight, a look back at Jesse Ventura. Ross congratulates the voters of Minnesota for having "the courage to make such a bold choice." Hey Ross, he's governor of the 20th biggest state in the Union, what the hell are YOU doing with yourself?
RAW 9.11.98

WWF RAW is brought to you by Western Union (no, not LITERALLY)
RAW 9.11.98

So who's Mankind's mystery opponent? When in doubt, think: THE BROOKLYN BRAWLER.
RAW 9.11.98

STEPHEN REGAL (with the Fred Tomlinson Singers) v. GODFATHER (with six - er, three lovely ladies) - Hearing Lawler sing along with Regal's theme reminds me of how Bobby Heenan used to whistle along to Shawn Michaels' theme and how much that would annoy Gorilla Monsoon. ... I heard Flash Funk backstage yelling "dammit, that used to be MY hat!" Godfather does his spiel, word for word, offering Regal the chance at all three ho's for free for the whole night - we see two almost bare asses. Okay, that one ho probably showed her ass one too many times. Regal takes the mic. "Now normally, there's nothing I'd like to do better than kick your head in. But, I may be from England, but the last time I checked my name's Stephen Regal, not Elton John, so I'll take the broads!" Crowd chants "Regal" - yeah! Regal's the Man! He IS a Real Man's Man! As they walk off... "Hey, hey Regal! Hey Regal, you know what man, I didn't really think you were gonna take the ho's, so to quote what a good friend of mine Archie Bunker sez, 'England ain't nuttin' but a place full of fags.'" Well, because Regal is stupid, he turns around and rushes the Godfather, completely blowing what would probably have been the greatest night of his life. Dammit Regal...
RAW 16.11.98

My point (I didn't have one, but I do now) is this: If Hogan's REALLY retiring, then I'll officially miss him for all he's done, love or hate him. But if he comes back ONE MORE TIME - well, it'll be like giving B.I.G. all those awards and then havin' him pop around the corner, "oh, hey yo, what's happening," and walking off with all the statuettes while everybody gets angry and feels like a sucker. That metaphor actually makes NO sense at all, and I shouldn't talk about Hogan in the RAW Recap, but it's almost 2am and the coffee is extra super strong.
RAW 23.11.98

Lawler calls Henry "Sexual Chocolate," which can only mean "Coming to America" was on the USA network recently.
RAW 23.11.98

CHRISTIAN v. DUANE GILL for the World Light Heavyweight Title - oh, come on. We get a nice shot of Marty Jannetty scoring a pinfall on Gill in his "video package." I think I saw Max Moon in there, too! Christian pulls him up at 2, which is probably the only way this match lasts any length of time. Ross says that Gill "spent more time on canvas than Rembrandt." It's all Christian, all the time. THIS MATCH IS THE PRETZELS! Also, it's going on WAY too long. I'm trying to remember the last time we saw an honest-to-God JOBBER match on RAW. Lawler: "Who do you think booked this?" I'd like to know too. Gill thrown out to the Brood, who also get in their shots. Well, now the J.O.B. SQUAD is out and fighting with Gangrel and Edge. Scorpio is in with a springboard axehandle on Christian - and he reverses the order of the coverer and the covered. Referee "Blind" Jack Doane turns around, and counts. 1, 2, 3. Unbefuckinglievable. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Light Heavyweight Champion of the World. (2:28) ... Hey, remember when guys like Taka Michinoku held this title? Sigh.
RAW 23.11.98

[On Undertaker attempting to "embalm Austin alive:"] I don't have to think very hard when I say that this could quite possibly be the lamest fucking thing I have seen this year on RAW.
RAW 23.11.98

Max Headroom vocal choppy editing style clip montage of Austin being knocked out, and some other stuff that happened on last week's RIW that I'm not talking about again because IT STUNK TO HIGH HEAVEN AND SUCKED LIKE A HOOVER, BABY!
RAW 30.11.98

Austin poses to the crowd with the shovel for a while. Ross: "Feel the magic of this man." Umm, thank you, no.
RAW 30.11.98

Backstage, Austin is still hunting for Undertakers in the bowels of the building. He's found his way to the keg-and-meat-locker section of the Arena. Because he's stupid, he walks all the way INTO a meatlocker, and Undertaker just happens to be waiting to close the door and lock it. Chill out, Austin! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha...man, I crack myself up sometimes.
RAW 30.11.98

Henry calls for the waitress and asks for some "Perrierre." Chyna: "Mark, it's *Perrier*." Henry: "Well, bring some of that, too." Then he sings along with Marvin Gaye. This RULES.
RAW 30.11.98

[Possibly most tasteless RAW comment of the year:] Cole tells us that JR's Momma died two days ago, I offer my condolences and sincerely hope it wasn't because she heard some naughty words on RAW or saw some obscene body parts.
RAW 7.12.98

Michael King Cole, hosting and providing commentary with Jerry King Lawler, calls "RAW is WAR" "the most exciting action/adventure series on television," which means he's never seen MacGYVER.
RAW 21.12.98

Lawler says Shane was a tough streetfighter growing up on the mean streets of Greenwich.
RAW 21.12.98

Hoo boy, they got a big time shot of a lot of metal on her lower set of choppers - I'm talkin' "guest shot in Moonraker and not as a Bond girl either" teeth.
RAW 28.12.98

[I don't think I actually said this, but I wish I did:] The quote I have for you (sorry, I don't know which report it's in - it's just memorable!) is a Rage/Kaos quote ... "Jobber twin powers ... Activate!"
[Wade Minter later wrote and told me this was something HE'D said in his DDT Digest Nitro report. I'll buy that. His reports are AWESOME! Go! Read some archived ones right now! Look for cool URLs!]
DISCLAIMER: I am biased.
Both shows, every week

WARNING: I swear below.
Both shows, every week

[Hey, I don't say that EVERY week.]

Apparently the three Japanese guys (who don't even get an entrance, now THAT drops you to the DEPTHS of jobberdom - for Nitro, anyway) are students of Ultimo Dragon living in Mexico. This is, I guess, supposed to make you care.
Nitro 6.4.98

Opening credits - yeah! TWELVE MINUTES INTO THE SHOW!
Nitro 6.4.98

Booker T must be anxiously awaiting therelease of the next Kraftwerk album.
Nitro 6.4.98

Ooh, look! The Nitro Girls! And they're in their Carmen Miranda outfits, but someone ate all the wax fruit!
Nitro 6.4.98

Let us take you back to last week's Nitro: Diamond Dallas Page chases Raven away, causing Buff Bagwell to win via countout. BUFF BAGWELL v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE for the US Title - I guess that ol' Championship committee was SO impressed with Bagwell's COR victory that he earned a title shot TONIGHT! Now THAT'S good booking!
Nitro 6.4.98

Closed captioning (where available) is sponsored by two bodacious babes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Nitro 6.4.98

Instead of clobbering Gene like we all want him to, Malenko goes home. Mike Tenay, Tony Schiavone, and Bobby Heenan talk about Dean. Bobby (correctly) states that it's all Okerlund's fault. Tenay says 'Iceman.' Tony thinks it's a bonafide retirement - gee Tony, I guess that's why we're all talking about him, huh.
Nitro 6.4.98

Nick Patrick fools everybody with one of those 2.99999 counts.
Nitro 6.4.98

Michael Buffer asks us if we're ready (for another screwjob, I think he meant). Let'sgetreadytorumble!
Nitro 6.4.98

[It's not that I was GOLDEN on my first week, but that's the one that the most people read and made suggestions from...I think.]

Finley enters to boos, hey wait, he's WCW you're supposed to cheer him!
Nitro 13.4.98

Vincent tries to point out the "Big Poppa Pump" written on the back of Steiner's tights and comes dangerously close to touching him in a private area.
Nitro 13.4.98

Mean Gene Okerlund shills the hotline (only $1.69 a minute!) and interviews...NO ONE.
Nitro 13.4.98

Tenay lets us know about the Calgary Hitmen's movement in the playoffs. Well, hell, if THEY'RE not going to call the match, you think I am?
Nitro 13.4.98

Last Thursday on THUNDER! Buff Bagwell bragged about his 5-1 record against Lex Luger. That rerererererematch will open hour two, right after this break!
Nitro 13.4.98

Tony says they've received literally "hundreds of thousands of [Nitro party] tapes." You buy that?
Nitro 13.4.98

Let's take a special look at Bret Hart, who is STILL crying about getting screwed, even while recognising that the fans are tired of hearing him cry about getting screwed. "If I see someone else getting screwed, that's my call..." no, that's too easy, I'll let you playing along at home make that joke.
Nitro 13.4.98

BARBARIAN (with Jimmy Hart) v. WAYNE BLOOM - hey look, Barbarian and Hart still have jobs! And Bloom has been demoted to Nitro jobber (meaning he doesn't even get an entrance).
Nitro 13.4.98

Konnan and Vincent mock the classic Steiner Brothers pose - I missed Konnan doing the dog peeing pose, if he did it.
Nitro 13.4.98

For those of you that have been living in a cave, coming up at the big Spring Stampede is a "bat match"- where Roddy Piper & Giant team up against Kevin Nash & You Know Who in a cave filled with bats.
Nitro 13.4.98

Hogan grabs a "HOGAN RULES THE NWO" poster, apparently, not knowing that the back of said poster has "BENOIT TO THE WWF" written on it. Ha!
Nitro 20.4.98

If you want to be like Raven, why not Buy the Shirt? Maybe then you can teach him the difference between "Quote" and "Quoth."
Nitro 20.4.98

"Baltimore" refers to the time Nash powerbombed then-WCW Bischoff through a table. I wish we had a replay of that, but we don't.
Nitro 20.4.98

Let's go to the back and see Goldberg get fired up for his US Title shot. This is actually less exciting than it sounds.
Nitro 20.4.98

It's WCW Monday Nitro! coming from the Scope in Norfolk, VA live (on tape - every time Tony says it's live, he's lying)
Nitro 27.4.98

Tony tries to bash the WWF, "we've been sold out for months and thirty miles up the road they can't GIVE tickets away!" Having seen RAW and their pre- emptive strike, I have to wonder what exactly Tony's smoking.
Nitro 27.4.98

Let us take you back to last week, where Hart decks Piper because Piper couldn't remember his line.
Nitro 27.4.98

This portion of WCW Nitro was brought to you by Burger King! I wonder if it's too late for them to get their money back.
Nitro 27.4.98

This portion of Nitro is brought to you by "Black Dog." Any movie with Randy Travis AND Meat Loaf can't be ALL bad.
Nitro 27.4.98

Damn, was that the whole hour? Even the WWF can put more than 4:39 of wrestling in an hour - even if they're incapable of booking a finish...
Nitro 27.4.98

Kick, chop (wooo!), kick, chop (woooo!), heabutt, kick, kick, kick. Wow, surely this IS the greatest wrestler in the world!
Nitro 28.4.98

Savage is mad at Bret Hart, you know. On and on...clip after clip...I suddenly remember I'm watching this on tape and fast forward. Ooh yeah!"
Nitro 28.4.98

People tell me I'm too hard on Tony Schiavone for the stupid, boneheaded things he says. Well, when Tony says things like "he doesn't quit" and I see Juvi with no damn mask on, why WOULDN'T I complain?"
Nitro 28.4.98

Let's take a special look at Raven - I'm going to go take a special look at the hail and thunder and lightning and hope the power doesn't go out. Besides, I *already* know Raven had an unhappy childhood.
Nitro 4.5.98

[It seems weird that I said that seven months ago, doesn't it?]

ULTIMO DRAGON v. JOHNNY SWINGER (no entrance) - the night Nitro became Worldwide continues - does WCW *deliberately* want a reason on which to hang lousy ratings?
Nitro 11.5.98

This portion of Nitro is brought to you by Burger King! Hey Burger King, it's not too late to try to get a refund...
Nitro 11.5.98

HUGH MORRUS (with James Hart) v. JIM POWERS (no entrance) - What is this, night of the Living Jobbers? No Laughing Matter moonsault, whoops this match is over (:27) Tony accurately pegs match time as "under two minutes."
Nitro 11.5.98

LEN DENTON v. (bill "82-0") GOLDBERG for the United States Heavyweight title - does anybody else see anything wrong with this matchup? (:53) This just in - Hugh Morrus to be fired Tuesday for having a match half as long as Goldberg's.
Nitro 11.5.98

Juvi's tights say "Da Juice is Back" - we can only wonder what this means, or indeed, where even the juice was.
Nitro 18.5.98

This portion of Nitro is brought to you by Starbust Fruit Chews - now with Juvi Juice!
Nitro 18.5.98

Can you believe it? The Nitro Party Contest has SPONSORSHIP! Mug Root Beer - I can never drink it again. You know, the foam goes straight to your BRAIN...
Nitro 25.5.98

The Nitro Girls have stormed the commentators booth! Run!
Nitro 25.5.98

It's WCW Nitro! LIVE 1.6.98 from "the Crossroads of Sting's Career" (aka the MCI Center in Washington, DC) Nitro 1.6.98

No,this week we are graced with the presence of DENNIS "RODZILLA" "THE WORM" "MORE NICKNAMES THAN HAIR COLOURS" RODMAN.
Nitro 8.6.98

Tony Schiavone continues the gabfest by bringing out RODDY PIPER. Now, I think those of you who know me know there's a lot of crap I'll transcribe, but Piper is transcendental.
Nitro 8.6.98

Disco with his swinging neckbreaker (!) 1, 2, no. Hey, wasn't that Disco's finisher? I guess not this week.
Nitro 8.6.98

"Mug root beer wants YOU to send in YOUR Nitro Party tapes! And then YOU can be made a laughingstock in THIS column! And the foam will straight to YOUR brain!"
Nitro 8.6.98

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Nintendo 64 Sports. More real than NITRO!
Nitro 8.6.98

Oh boy, it's back to the luxury box and back to Eric Bischoff. "I know what sucks, and THIS doesn't." Spake too soon, Eric.
Nitro 8.6.98

Chavo is doing a montage of Warner Brothers cartoon characters on his way to the ring ("Be vewy qwiet - I'm hunting Goldberg! I have my Eddie shirt - and I'm going to hug it and love it and squeeze it...") - Goldberg's entrance is so awe-inspiring that the commentators actually SHUT UP for, oh, a good forty seconds while Goldberg tries really hard to light himself on fire with pyrotechnics.
Nitro 8.6.98

CHRIS ADAMS v. SMOKIN' GIANT - hey! This is a no smoking facility! It runs like this: Adams: "C'mon, let's fight!" Giant: "Wait, I'm smoking." Adams: (punch kick) Giant: (KO punch) "Wait 'til I'm done smoking, dammit!" Adams: (weak attempt at a superkick) Giant: (chokeslam) - cool to see him keep the cigarette in his mouth while he's doing the chokeslam! (:42ish)
Nitro 15.6.98

Mongo fires back. Hey, whatever happened to this guy's wife, I wonder?
Nitro 22.6.98

He then slings insults at Kevin Greene until Greene appears at the entrance. "You big dumb football player! You non-athlete! You jerk!" Wow, Hennig is a monster.
Nitro 29.6.98

"Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the ERIC BISCHOFF show!" Just for a switch, let me write this paragraph as if I meant the exact opposite of everything I typed. This, by far, was the finest segment of televised professional wrestling I have ever witnessed in my many years of watching televised professional wreslting.
Nitro 29.6.98

Malone: "I want to say to Rodzilla - at Bash at the Beach - size DOES MATTER." Page does a Bischoff imitation and mouths along.
Nitro 29.6.98

It's WCW Monday Nitro! Coming to you LIVE 6.7.98 from the Georgiadome in Atlanta, GA, this show is closed-captioned, rated TV-PG-DV (the "D" is for damn, what a main event)
Nitro 6.7.98

We cut to a shot of Goldberg backstage, who is doing pushups in order to get so tired he'll lose the match.
Nitro 6.7.98

[On 1 July, TNT initiated a split feed, which meant that I would no longer see Nitro live at 5; instead, I had to wait until 8. (You didn't know I could rhyme like a mime, DID-JA.) To celebrate that, I included this quote in the 6.7 report:]

SCOTT "POLISH PIRATE" PUTSKI v. RIGGS (with tongue) - as Riggs walked out,
RAW started. Good night everybody!

and then I put in my footer, and followed it with so much whitespace that I actually fooled a lot of people into thinking that I had honestly stopped watching and reporting. Somebody actually wrote to MiCasa complaining about it, then Mike actually PRINTED that letter. I don't think it's much of a highlight, but it was suggested.... ;-)

Time for Putski to come back. Iblockyou'repunchyoudon'tblockmine twice. Back elbow. It's Hammer Time! U can't touch this! That's why we pray! Let's get it started!
Nitro 6.7.98

Limousine outside. A wheelchair is removed from the trunk - and out from the back seat is - YEAH! BUFF BAGWELL! along with his mother, who's wheeling him. He's got a neck brace on. Maybe we'll see him later...I'm pretty sure he's not taking on Goldberg tonight, though.
Nitro 6.7.98

Gene-O brings out DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & KARL MALONE. For some bizarre reason, the camera cuts to a "GOLDBERG: KING OF JEWS" sign.
Nitro 6.7.98

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, MIKE TENAY, and LARRY "DOES THIS GOLDBERG TEE MAKE ME LOOK FAT?" ZBYSZKO.
Nitro 13.7.98

Buy a Goldberg shirt, or his face will FREEZE like that!
Nitro 13.7.98

MEAN GENE OKERLUND, always keen to spot a segueway, invites out CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE - Hennig may have a hand on Okerlund's rear end, I can't tell.
Nitro 13.7.98

Oh, and Mysterio won the Cruiserweight title, no doubt by cheating and pulling the hair and putting his feet on the ropes, because NOBODY beats Jericho.
Nitro 13.7.98

Let's look at a crappy Nitro Party. Remember, they only show the GOOD ones - the ones that WIN! Can you IMAGINE what the bad ones must be like?
Nitro 13.7.98

The Treacherous Three talk about Hennig/Goldberg, later tonight, also Hall/Hogan, later tonight, Eric Bischoff special referee, and now Let Us Take You Back to Monday Nitro, 15 June, where NWO Hollywood invaded the cage to take apart Randy Savage's knee. Randy Savage - hmmm, I wondered what happened to that guy. Why do they bring this up now? Well, because it's time for HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN (with 2x4 and flag) v. RICK FULLER (no music, no entrance) - and if you don't see a connection, you just haven't been watching Nitro long enough.
Nitro 13.7.98

Let Us Take You Back to Nitro, where BUFF BAGWELL made his return. THIS is what they use to combat the beginning of RAW? I mean, it was a nice segment, but it's a damn rerun! A rerun, I say!
Nitro 13.7.98

[Hogan:] "Wait a minute, little Buffy - all the babyface crap I've been hearing out here - instead of Buff Bagwell, maybe it should be Cream Puff Bagwell and by the way, I'm tired of looking at you, and you make me sick" and then he pushes over the wheelchair. Geez, doesn't Hogan have ENOUGH on his plate already? Or maybe he wants a feud he can win...
Nitro 13.7.98

Tenay, master of understatement, says "the phenomenon that is Goldberg is nothing short of phenomenal."
Nitro 13.7.98

Tony says "I smell a conspiracy" - I'm smellin' something else.
Nitro 20.7.98

And oh boy, Goldberg puts everything on the line against.....against....Brian Adams. Yes, friends, the #1 Contender is a guy I'd completely forgotten about.
Nitro 27.7.98

Travis Tritt will see YOU at Sturgis! And then YOU can make fun of his outfit! AND his voice!
Nitro 27.7.98

Travis Tritt smells T-R-O-U-B-L-E. Of course, if he'd change his diet, he wouldn't have to worry about that. Again, he'll see YOU at Sturgis!
Nitro 27.7.98

You know, one of the things I really like about WCW is how they don't feel that they have to beat us over the head with mindless repetition. With that in mind, let's fire up that NWO theme...
Nitro 27.7.98

Travis Tritt is Road Hard, Road Fast and Road Wild. And that's another Road PPV ad.
Nitro 27.7.98

Travis Tritt music video promoting WCW Road Wild, which word on the street says is this Saturday. Sing along with me, kids: "I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E / We're gonna have us some C&W on a P-P-V / Well you may think that rasslin's what you paid to see / But you just ain't as smart as that cracka Eazy-E / Everybody thinks "wrestling," they think "Travis Tritt" / and you know what the thirty bucks'll buy you is sh...." oh this ad is over.
Nitro 3.8.98

Tonight Show clip. Tony says "A scene we would like to see again and again and again..." Hey, Tony, aren't you WATCHING this show?
Nitro 3.8.98

BARBARIAN (with James Hart) v. HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN (with 2x4 and American flag) - wow, a MATCH! And only twenty minutes into the show! A match that could probably be a main event anywhere in the country.
Nitro 10.8.98

Now THE FLOCK has made their way to the ring. Raven - are you ready for this? - gives Saturn the Evenflow.
Nitro 17.8.98

NOTHING CAN STOP MENG! except an ad break.
Nitro 17.8.98

Tony mentions THUNDER! on Thursday but fails to tell us that it's taped and will probably only have a ten second main event.
Nitro 17.8.98

Gene O. brings out DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, who just *have* to walk out through the crowd or else they'll stop calling him "the People's Champion"
Nitro 17.8.98

Page says he had a guy's number in his Rolodex, and he flew out west to ask this guy if he wanted a piece of the Immortal One, Hollywood 'Scum' Hogan. 'This cat I'm talking about, if you look in the record books, BROTHER, you're oh and one!' It's the Genius, isn't it? The Genius, Lanny Poffo, is FINALLY making his WCW return! No? You don't think so? Oh, well we'll see I guess.
Nitro 17.8.98

Well, yes, it's MR. DESTRUCITY come back to kill us all. "Talk to me, Waryrs!" Dare I even try to transcribe the coming tongue twister?
Nitro 17.8.98

With the ref down, Stevie Ray reaches down for the blackjack in his tights (not what you think, you lech) and decks Jericho.
Nitro 17.8.98

(About WCW Bashing Brawlers) For those of you playing along at home, complete the following sentence: "And when you hit Raven in the crotch, he says ___________."
Nitro 17.8.98

ONE MORE TIME Tony talks about the "competitor's main event didn't even last as long as Buffer's introduction." What the HELL is he talking about? Let's look at the last few RAW main events.

10.8 Four-way tag team title match  - 14:30
3.8  Undertaker/Austin v. Owen/Rock - 11:13
27.7 Undertaker/Austin v. Outlaws   -  8:something
20.7 Kane/Mankind v. Steve Austin   -  4:55
13.7 Kane/Mankind v. Outlaws        -  8:07
6.7  Undertaker v. Mankind v. Kane  -  2:17

10.8 Goldberg v. Meng       entrance 2:30, match 2:07
3.8  Giant/Hall v. Sting/Hart                    6:28
27.7 Hogan v. Page                               4:16
20.7 Hart v. Page (Page injured)                 2:50
13.7 Goldberg v. Hennig     entrance 3:13, match 1:22
6.7  Hogan v. Goldberg      entrance 3:50, match 8:11