Dedication: to Rick and Mike - duh.
OK, here's some randomly selected (mostly) highlights of 8+ months of RAW
and Nitro reports - check 'em out weekly at WrestleManiacs - URL is
I compiled the RAW ones myself, mostly. Apparently, readers think I only
say funny stuff in the Nitro reports. :) Since I didn't go over the Nitro columns, it might look more half-assed than the RAW section. You can either chalk this up to my bias or my incredible lack of time...
Thanks to Gary Spakes, Mark Coale (go read his WM column RIGHT NOW),
Dan Mirgon, Ryan Abney, Dan Wade, KW Mizark (The People's Mark), and Lars
Bredehftfor their suggestions.
Special thanks to Bob Wade, MilkiFish (hey AOL screen name, get a damn
REAL name - ahahahahah), oh and Brad C., for pretty much writing the Nitro
section for me. EXTRA special thanks to Kim Stitzel for rewriting the Nitro
section after I first put this thing up, but doing such a thorough job I
HAD to put up a newer version.
Without further ado, travel back to April as I am dragged, kicking and
screaming, out of retirement to report of pro-wrestling for online fans -
and see what's bubbled up to the top of the bowl:
DAN SEVERN v. 2 COLD FLASH FUNK - Jim Cornette joins the commentators and
hypes the Beast. They've brought four belts with Severn - the UFC5 belt,
the Superfight belt, and the Ultimate Ultimate, oh, and the NWA World
Heavyweight Championship. ... Flash taps out (2:55). Cornette: "That's
a *wrestler*, and I'm taking him right to the top!"
Tennessee Lee, meanwhile, has a live mic on the walkway, and introduces
Dubba J. The lights go down, and while Blackman foolishly stares at the
entrance way, expecting a blinking horse, Jarrett has already made it into
the ring behind Blackman. The lights come up, and we see Jarrett smash a
"JJ AIN'T I GREAT" guitar, complete with sawdust filling, on Blackman's
head. Blackman sells it just a touch better than Ahmed Johnson did way
Triple H Triple Dog Dares the other three gents to relieve themselves on
"those beautiful Titan bikes" - apparently, Chyna can NOT pee standing up.
Skull (or is it 8-Ball? talks):
"Balls...*censored*..balls...*censored..." I guess they've issued a
challenge to DX.
You know what's a fun game? To take a pool on how many times Faarooq says
"Guess what" during an interview.
TERRY FUNK announces his new partner - oh, he's Terry Funk now, by the
way, this is a GOOD thing. After lashing into "the Quitter Cactus Jack,"
he promises to put some Funk in our faces. His new hardcore partner is -
is...FLASH FUNK?!? Good Lord. LES QUEBECOIS v. TERRY FUNK & 2 COLD FUNK
- I guess they ARE related after all.
Ross: "Hey, how about calling a match, huh? How about that?" I'm with
you, baby! ... JR: "Yeah, I got two words for 'em - suck it!" JR is
hardcore (I guess).
Hey, look, Steve Austin has made it back to the arena! If Jim Ross says
"Business is fixin' to pick up," take a drink!
Michael Cole interviews SABLE'S BREASTS (accompanied by Sable)
When we come back, Kelly (sitting on the ground) says he didn't know what
the Undertaker saw, but he can only speculate that he must be headed back
to the Arena. Man, that cemetary must be CLOSE [to Long Island]. I would
have had it pegged a little close to Death Valley.
THE LOD TWO THOUSAND (with Spank-me - err, Sunny)
THE UNDERTAKER v. BARRY WINDHAM (with Jim Cornette and no entrance) - UT
is wearing his "Jack of Spades" outfit. Tonight's title match is hyped
before the lockup. Kick to the gut, right, right, whip, reverse, missed
lariat, chokeslam, pickimup, tombstone, 1, 2, 3, thank you, drive through.
(:59) Maybe THAT'S why we rarely see the guy wrestle on TV. Har, har.
A CG spot shows the WWF logo walking into a bar, slamming a brew, and
belching loudly. Man, that IS attitude!
No sooner does James stop talking but out comes LOD 2000, oh and Sunny.
"Hey DX, you know the five of you remind me of five dingleberries clumped
together in the sweaty crack..." ok, that's enough of that.
Let us take you back to last week, when Sable challenges Marc Mero to a
match. We cut to some footage of Sable ... ahem ... working out. This
actually IS as exciting as it sounds, even if she didn't seem to break a
sweat the entire time. ("But CRZ, ladies don't sweat, they glow." "Shut
up, you know what I mean.")
Val Venis vignette - great gosh a mighty, he's joined by "actress" Jenna
Jameson! Surely this is a sign of the impending apocalypse! And remember,
the louder I protest, the more I wanna see her NAKED!
More from D-generation X at the CNN Center - where they are apparently not
supposed to film, but that didn't stop them. The rent- a-cops seem
generally good humoured about the whole situation. About a million times
tonight, Jim Ross will let you know that Nick Lambrose *actually called
911 and tried to get the whole lot of them arrested* - which proves....um,
let me get back to you on that.
[Unintentionally funny line that got lots of Baltimore fans to write me:]
Hey, look, there's Baltimore Raven Tony Siragusa in the audience! Why is
the audience booing him?
Castrol GTX presents WWF Over the Edge! When you think WWF wrestling,
think Castrol GTX MOTOR OIL!
The Road Dogg does his spiel and the crowd is chanting along - so I guess
we'll be hearing this for a long time, if the crowd digs it.
Val Venis climbs the ropes, and hits the big splash - of course, it's
called "the Money Shot" - and that's all she wrote. 1, 2, 3. (6:09)
This Scorpio looks a lot like the old Flash Funk, har har.
X-Pac: "DX got game!" HHH: "[poor man's Michael Buffer followed by
masturbation jokes]" Road Dogg: "[I did this last week and EVERY week]"
James DOES call Owen Hart "Cannibal Lecter" so I'll give him props for
that at least.
Puke actually looks ok in this outing, but what this really comes down to
is that this is another DOA/LOD match and I won't provide details, nope, I
won't, I won't. Suffice to say all hell breaks loose, all six men go at
it, but with Puke and Chainz left in the ring, Puke hits what looks like
an old Pearl River Plunge but I'm sure it will have a different name. 1,
2, 3 (4:05) - they're still fighting, yippee! This feud will NEVER end.
Well, maybe Sunday. But I doubt it.
JACKYL leads Hank, the Angry, Drunken Dwarf and Crackhead Bob to the ring
- this can only end in tears. The Howard Stern connection is emphasized,
when what they SHOULD play up is that their guy (Hank) beat the other guy
(Flair) in the People's Poll. Anyway, Jackyl introduces his friends to
the audience - and DOES play up the People poll win for Hank. Hank says a
lot of bleepable stuff so I have no idea what he said, but I think the
gist is he doesn't like that Internet thing. Turning to Bob, Jackyl asks
him to quote "Network" and he complies. The Jackyl's "parade of human
oddities" continues with Princess Luna (yeah!), Golga (John Tenta in a
mask), and a great big guy whose name gets edited out of the broadcast.
... What follows is a totally uneventful match which sees Thrasher
dominate until Golga hits a power move - repeat until consciousness is
As per my standing policy, I won't bother to fill you in on the exciting
details of like the *millionth* LOD/DOA match. The twist is that there's
a lot more chair shots, random metal shots, and Sunny screaming where we
can hear it.
[Mero:] "You want Sable? Well guess what. Sable's home barefoot in the
kitchen where she belongs. However, however, the lady I'm about to
introduce, is everything that Sable is not. Not only does she know her
place, not only does she have a bod to die for, but she's black, she's
beautiful, and she's mine. Ladies and gentlemen, the sultry, the
What's a "Yurinaji?" - that sounds obscene, Ross! (Yes, I know it's
hypocritical to ALSO make fun of Ross for CALLING a move. Sue me.)
RAW 1.6.98 [Guess I meant "uranage", ha]
MARK HENRY v. TERRY FUNK in a King of the Ring Qualifier - Psst, this match should suck.
New Stone Cold shirt! Remember, DTA stands for "Don't Trust Nobody."
Owen comes to the ring with his "whiny bitch" music.
Here's a special video tribute to Sable. If I were Darrell Hammond, I'd
pretend I were Ted Koppel and say "Oh, come on!" This is almost as bad as
Shawn Michaels losing his smile.
The King of the Ring is presented by Super Soaker! Go soak your head!
Replay shows Vader blatanly cheating for Shamrock - no, sorry, that's
"getting a measure of revenge against Mark Henry." Okay.
SABLE'S BREASTS reappear. Ten seconds later, SABLE reappears.
Let me take this opportunity to give Mad Props to Jerry Brisco, Pat
Patterson, the LOD Two Thousand AND the Disciples of Apocalypse for
staying off my television this week. Keep up the fine work, boys!
End result: Tonight we get a Triple Threat between the '94, '97 and '98
Kings of the Ring. This just in - Mabel will NOT be participating.
Austin's got better things to do. And Bret Hart - well, you know.
MARVELOUS MARC MERO (without Jacqueline) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (without Riggs
& Murtaugh - see them this summer in the sequel to the sequel to the
sequel!) in a BRAWLforALL - the Brawl has it's own music, I guess. ...
Mercifully, this match is over. Blackman is announced as the winner
(points) - Lawler and Ross are trying to put this over as an exciting
addition to our sport - I say we should never speak of it again.
Hey, you know who ELSE used rounds? The AWF! I wonder whatever happened
to THOSE guys. "Boring" chant has taken over with the crowd. I guess we
all need some training as viewers - or just maybe, we're ALL CORRECT. ...
We better get used to this, it's (apparently) gonna happen for WEEKS.
What we just experienced is a soaring high followed by a crashing low.
Ha! Not that either team deserves Ellering, now that I think about it -
I'm not too hot on either team right now. Was Sunny just written out?
And was that like, the QUICKEST turn we'd ever seen? (Maybe Brian Adams
on Bret Hart on Nitro...wait a minute, aren't Adams and Hart on the same
side now? Hmmmm...)
[Most sarcastic looking non-sarcasm:]
King of the Ring Encore ad. It's WORTH EVERY PENNY! NO, REALLY! YOU
MUST SEE IT! I WOULDN'T USE CAPITAL LETTERS IF I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT
BRAKUS v. SAVIO VEGA in a BRAWLforALL match - oh boy, it's back! The
thrills and excitement of wrestlers attempting to fight with gloves on!
Like many of you, I made a Mabel joke last week. I too feel responsible
for him coming back. I apologise. ... Michael Cole interviews Shamrock -
"I don't need your weak-ass sympathy! Mabel, if you're any kind of man,
you'll meet me TONIGHT!" Admittedly, Shamrock's best interview. Also his
shortest. Not coincidentally.
Now to prove that I'm as sexist as the next male wrestling fan, I'll give
you a preview of the bikini match. "Well, granted, Sable has bigger
breasts, but Jackie doesn't mind letting her nipples poke out from behind
whatever she's wearing. This should be a close match. " There, that's
enough for this week.
Well, let's never see him again now. The good news is Mabel worked the
entire match without unintentionally injuring Shamrock, ha!
THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS (with Chyna) v. KANE & MANKIND (with Paul Bearer) for
the WWF World Tag Team Championships - the Champs come out first, so we
can all sing along with Colin - err, Jesse. Almost a whole hour has come
by, and two chances, and Jim Ross has NOT said "hell fire and brimstone" a
SINGLE time. I find this extremely troubling. The attendance is
announced at 17,569 - I think Ross just wanted to sneak a 69 in there to
see if I'd notice.
Ref is out to break up Henry and Chyna (why?) - oh, so the Rock can take
Helmsley out of the Pedigree he's putting on Brown - ROCK BOTTOM on
Helmsley! Great Caeser's ghost - ref is in - 1, 2, 3!!!!!!! Ladies and
gentlemen, we have a new European Champion! And D-Lo's eyes somehow open
up even wider than mine are as he takes the belt. (6:05) I guess I take
back everything I said about D-Lo Brown being a jobber. From now on, I'll
only refer to the Godfather that way.
Oh, YAMAGUCHI-SAN and KAIENTAI are out, along with KYOKO (?), his wife.
Yamaguchi is incensed, and promises to dole out some punishment (which he
spells out, and I almost thought that when he spelled out "P-U-N-I-S..."
it was something else. She parts the ropes for all four men and then
we're going to experience the Crawl of Shame - where she drops to her
knees, and supposedly crawls under his legs and gets paddled. I say
"supposedly," because of course VAL VENIS comes out and grabs the paddle,
then uses it across the chest of most of the Kaientai members until they
scatter. Then he helps Yamaguchi's wife out of the ring - and walks out
carrying her in his arms, honeymoon threshhold style. She's all smiles,
he's all smiles - yep, they're off to do some big time lovemakin', I'm
sure. Cue the Barry White, ohhhh yeah. Can't get enough of your love,
babe. Remember, kids, adultery is *O.K.* if the husband is an EVIL
Austin 3:16 jersey - sure it LOOKS cool, but is it REALLY worth $48.99?
(Don't write me back saying "hell yeah" - that was a rhetorical question,
see. And you're nuts.)
Some words I failed to transcribe during this [Sable/Jacqueline] segment:
skank, sow, ho, Sable saying her body kept people "up all night" (yep,
that's pretty buoyant of her to say that), and some other Springer-type
It's "DROZ'S WORLD" - where puking is COOL and snakes and guns and tongues
and other stuff - ah, hell, forget it.
Holy crap, Gunn just KO'd Williams with a massive left! That's gotta make
those guys fixing this tourney REALLY unhappy. Replay shows Bart with
some cement block punching, and Williams' head literally BOUNCING off the
canvas. IN fact, he's STILL out. Ross tries to make Dr. Death sound like
he hasn't just ruined his reputation forever, and certainly I'LL never
bring it up next time we see him. Hahaha...
BRADSHAW has joined the commentators at the table. He had no problem
punking Funk (say THAT five times fast)... Jerry Lawler starts to ask
Bradshaw something and Bradshaw grabs Lawler asking him to call the match
- "nobody wants to listen to your Comedy Central!" ... Ross: "Bradshaw
just tagged the DOA - what the hell for?" Scorpio gets one more
lucha-style axehandle before Bradshaw pastes HIM as well. Now he's in the
ring and trading punches with Faarooq (DQ 3:25) [Hey! Faarooq and
Bradshaw are FRIENDS now!]
[Match of the Year]
BRAKUS v. JESUS (no entrance) - surely an auspicious debut to take on the
son of God! Brakus is rated TV-PG-V and comes out to Mark Henry's
good-guy music (I guess I'm not supposed to remember that, ha!). Clip of
Savio taking apart Brakus in the Bral for All match is supposed to make
Brakus look good - it doesn't. Lockup, powerout. Brakus whips Jesus and
hits a powerslam. Elbow drop. Brakus sure does a lot of shouting for a
German guy. Another elbow drop. Stomp on the back. Spinebuster. 1, 2,
3. Whoops, that's it. (:51)
Finally, we turn back to Kaientai - there's a challenge for next week, and
after they win the match, Yamaguchi is going to chop up a bratwurst. No,
I guess that's symbolic. For those of us who still didn't get it,
Yamaguchi says "I choppy choppy your pee pee." Graphic replay of the
sausage halving. Suddenly I crave a sandwich.
Last week, wrestlemaniacs.com once again received mention in Hyatte's
letter(s) of the week. I thank you for your support. Since it's been two
weeks in a row, I feel obligated to once again return the favour and plug
the Mop-ups at Scoops Central - go read it, if only to see what he sneaks
in about Zimmerman and WrestleManiacs at the top of the column. Plus he's
a damn funny guy, and most of all, IT ANNOYS AL! And let me say one more
time, it's okay to like both of us. I'm pretty sure Hyatte doesn't mind,
and you damn well know I don't care. And we're NOT the same guy, so stop
asking. (Do people ask him this too?) You know, more than one guy can
have the same first name - yeah, I'm talking to you using WebTV. Come on.
RAW 3.8.98 [Was I on DRUGS when I wrote that? ;-) ]
Ross asks what happened to the Jackyl and I have to wonder the same thing.
"Marc, oh Marc, I brought a present for you, and Jacqueline, I've got a
really big surprise for you too. In the past,, we may have been enemies,
but now we have a mutual understanding...gentleman, if you will..." And a
thousand strings fire up - and here's KURRGAN and GIANT SILVA, in tuxedos.
Kurrgan sings "There She Is, Miss America." No, I am NOT making this up.
Apparently, "Miss America" is PRINCESS LUNA TUNES, out in robe and
bouquet. ... Some Insane Clown Posse is played - and ROSS pegs it.
[Unintentionally funny error of the Year]
It's Bart starting for the Outlaws.
Sable says "WWF Sunday Night Heat" - I think. Poor girl, somebody left a
mister on near her and now she's all sparkly and her flesh reflects light.
SummerSlam is brought to you by Stri-Dex! Or as I like to call 'em,
VAL VENIS & TAKA MICHINOKU v. TOGO & FUNKAI (with Teoh & Yamaguchi-San &
an unhappy Mrs. Yamaguchi) - Let Us Take You Back to Clips of Venis
making it with Mrs. Yamaguchi - clearly the actions of a fan favourite.
... Just when you think there aren't enough angles happening here, Taka
dropkicks Val Venis, Kaientai and Taka quad-team Venis and now we learn
that - and remember, the most outrageous stuff is the stuff I CAN'T make
up - Mrs. Yamaguchi is Taka's *sister*. Fat looking senton bomb, all five
of the Japanese contingent due the Rude swivel-hip in a circle jerk around
Venis, and they drag off Val - presumably to choppy-choppy his peepee.
Backstage, Kaientai continue to drag Val by his Valbowski (ok, not
really), while Mrs. Yamaguchi looks concerned. Mrs. Yamaguchi, we've just
learned, is Taka's sister.
Kaientai continues to put the boots to Venis, and Mrs. Yamaguchi (who, in
a startling turn of events, is really Taka Michinoku's SISTER!) continues
to look forlorn.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - Yamaguchi's got his samurai sword,
and threatens the cameraman until he's behind a closed door. Oh no! Can
they really be...dragging this out until the end of the show? By the way,
Taka's there because it turns out that Mrs. Yamaguchi IS HIS SISTER.
Let's quickly go backstage where a cabal of security guards is knocking
down the door. We see Venis, pixelated where his bare ass might be, as if
his shorts are dropped and something is on the big wooden chopping block -
his hands are bound and secured to the ceiling. Taka holds back his
sister...Yamaguchi has the samurai sword high in the air...the picture
fades to black...we hear a scream...a whack...another scream...Whoops,
it's 11:05. See you next week! By the way, Mrs. Yamaguchi is TAKA'S SISTER.
[The Oddities are] faces now, you know. And if you missed when THAT
happened, you're with me, baby. ... Ross makes me physically ill by
saying "The Oddities - they feel wanted! They feel good about themselves!
...thanks to Sable!"
DARREN DROZDOV v. SAVIO VEGA in a BRAWLforALL match - Droz advances by
virtue of his draw with Hawk, and the fact that Hawk belongs in the Betty
Ford Clinic. Vega, of course, demolished Brakus. Savio gets a takedown
but the ref doesn't award the points. Savio's bald now, by the way. Droz
is almost bald - he's got a goofy ponytail and that's it. The first round
is boring and the unofficial scoring gives it to Droz because he's white
and they're racist. Droz lands some good punches and gets a takedown
(crowd pops, amazingly enough - of course, they're all rednecks rooting
for the white boy anyway) I'm guessing Droz gets the second round, too.
Third round sees Savio try a takedown and not get the 5, while Droz tries
a takedown and DOES get the 5 - those damn racists - what have they got
against the Boriqua? Ross yells out "Hemaygodown! Hemaygodown!" when
there ain't no way in hell Vega's gettin' knocked out. Anyway, Droz wins
and who cares.
Michael King Cole is backstage with Chyna, who is testing the theory that
if you wear a tight white top, your breasts will look bigger. Chyna tells
Cole to "thuck it" and shoves him over the top of the convertible.
10-10-321 ... sponsors the close-captioning (becuase if you're hearing
imparied, you NEED to make those collect calls on the phone!)
You can tell Jarrett is suddenly twice as evil becuase he has THE EVIL
GODFATHER (with 3 ho's) v. VADER (with no ho's) - Ross tries to demur
about the major league ass-kissing he's been giving Dr. Death and I'm not
buying it. I'm just getting pissed off tonight. "I wanna ask you a
question, big Vader, have you ever been with a ho? Hey, you DO know what
a ho is, don'cha? Well feast your eyes on this, huh?" Vader has a
puppy-dog look that resembles a starving man at a Sizzler buffet. "I'm
gonna make you an offer that you can't refuse. You have a choice now, big
Vader." Of course, the choice is that he can fight the Godfather or spend
the night with the ho's. Vader shakes his head "no," proving that he's a
damn fool. "I don't think you understand me. You have your choice, baby,
of fighting me, or you got ALL THREE OF THEM FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT!" Vader
accepts, proving that he's a damn smart man. Vader's music plays as if
he's won the match, and when you think about it, he IS a winner. (No
contest) Before he leaves, he approaches Bart. My lip reading sucks, but
I *believe* he says something along the lines of "next week when you get
in the ring with him, I say, you take the women." Bart, of course, ko's
Vader with one left hand, proving that Vader's just a fat piece of shit.
Bart hits the ring and brawls with the Godfather until the bevy of WWF
officials separates the two men. Godfather takes his ho's and leaves.
Almost-bare ass count in this segment: 2.
VAL VENIS is in a wheelchair, being pushed by JOHN WAYNE BOBBIT and
flanked by MRS. YAMAGUCHI, who in a bizarre plot twist last week was
revealed as Taka Michinoku's sister.
The third round ends and Mero should have won 15-10, but it's a draw, and
there will be one more round. Crowd is thrilled that they get to watch
another round of this "action." Bradshaw is sucking wind and deserves to
lose. Mero holds the ropes while Bradshaw fails to break. So they're
both cheating. Bradshaw with a Goldberg-esque spear while Ross screams
"big takedown! big takedown! big takedown!" So Mero tries a takedown but
it doesn't happen. Now it looks to me like Mero again hit the most
punches so it's still a draw, but Bradshaw is announced the winner. What
bullshit. It's completely obvious they WANTED Bradshaw to move on and
they made sure he won - it was a fix. Total bullshit. This whole tourney
is bullshit. Tonight's entire show is bullshit, professional wrestling in
general is bullshit. Quote me.
Time for the main event (with at least 22 minutes to go? Those intros
must take a while) and do you realise this is only the SECOND match? No,
dammit, BRAWLforALL contests DON'T count. And the first match was
Luna/Jacqueline! Even NITRO can give me more wrestling than this! Come
on, WWF, give me some damn wrestling on my damn wrestling program. Is
that too much to ask?
GODFATHER (with three hos) v. BART "LEFTY" GUNN (with no hos) in a
BRAWLforALL Semifinal - Both men land a fair number of punches, but we all
know if it's close, they'll give it to Whitey, so Bart's up 5-0 in the
Hot tag to Faarooq! Faarooq is on fire!
DARREN DROZDOV v. (justin "hawk") BRADSHAW in a BRAWLforALL semifinal -
Let me go on the record and predict another bullshit victory for Bradshaw,
simply because it would be more impressive to put Gunn over Bradshaw,
besides it preserves the traditional face/heel match. ... Fairly even
round but the replays are all Bradshaw and besides, they WANT Bradshaw to
win, so he gets the unofficial 5. ...Fairly even third round which means
the fix is in and they'll give it to Bradshaw. Sure enough, he's
announced as the winner and the look on Droz' face says "I *knew* it was
DUSTIN RUNNELLS speaks: "You know the Bible says your body is a temple.
And as a result, we should be careful what we put into it. Why then would
you want to poison your mind? Well, here's an idea for you. Instead of
watching this next segment of the War Zone, try curling up with a good
book. Something like "Oliver Twist," or "Ivanhoe," or my personal
favourite - the New Testament. You'll be glad you did, because He IS
coming back. May God bless you all." The preceding was sponsored by
The Evangelists Against Television, Movies & Entertainment. (Yes, I see
the acronym. But that doesn't mean I have to mention it. Must I beat you
over the head with EVERYTHING?)
KURRGAN (with the Oddities) v. MARVELOUS MARC MERO (without Jacqueline) -
This match consists of Mero punching, and Kurrgan making a joke of the
entire industry. Sable stays behind to smile approvingly while Kurrgan
busts the proverbial move.
ROAD WARRIOR HAWK is out acting drunk and trying to expose the business
just enough to make you wonder if it's a work or not. (Psst, it is.)
Ross says "Cut his mic" a few times and looks generally unhappy that
Hawk's sitting next to him.
The Rock talks about "the People's Ladder," "the People's Champ," "the
People's Choice," "the People's Laundry Detergent," and a few other
People's Items. Anyways, the Rock tells Chyna that he knows what a crush
she has on him and it ends with "you just need to get some...and Chyna,
honey, if you're lucky, about 1.30, 2 o'clock in the morning later
tonight, the Rock's just the one to give it to ya if you smell what the
Rock's cookin'" She rushes the ladder but Owen and D'Lo get her. "Put
her on her knees where she belongs! ... almost looks like a natural
position." And...yeah, he tells her to "experience the Magic of the
Rock..." but instead of kissing her, he tells her "there's no way [he'd]
ever kiss a piece of trash like you!" So the Rock asks Mark Henry to kiss
her instead. Mark does a neat tongue thing - approaches Chyna - and ...
hey, there's SHAWN MICHAELS come to play the white knight! Chair to
Henry's head. The Nation scatters. Michaels hands the chair to Chyna and
goes over to the commentary table so he can stand on it and dance to "(I'm
Just A) Sexy Boy."
BRADSHAW v. (NO LONGER BODACIOUS) BART "LEFTY" GUNN in the BRAWLforALL
finals - ... Gunn only needs two more punches to finish the job. Bradshaw
is knocked LOOPY. You know what the best part of this is? Freakin' *Bob
Holly* was the only one of Bart's opponents not to get knocked out. (KO,
Venis' angle is that he sleeps with other guy's wives?
JACQUELINE (with Marvy Marc Mero) v. (THE LOVELY) SABLE in an Evening Gown
Match - ... Well, sometimes you have to leave the computer and just watch
what happens. I forgot to time this match, too. Sable won - I saw many
rasins, so I guess I won too. Then Sable took her own nightgown off so
the fans would cheer some more. Yes, friends, the REAL winners were the
FANS! Wow, I haven't been this excited since I had that wicked erotic
fantasy about licking beads of sweat off the neck of Monica Seles - I've
said too much. ... You know what the best part of this was? *Neither
woman spoke a word.*
As Sable enters the ring, we see a shot of the woman everyone's
identifying as TERRI POWERS except the commentators - just to set us up
for weeks down the road, wink wink.
RAW 21.9.98 [Has it really been THREE months?]
Snow has some music all ready, but before he can celebrate, JERRY BRISCO &
PAT PATTERSON are out to put the fists and loafers to Snow. The save is
made by SCORPIO. Hey, when *Scorpio* is saving you, what kind of jobber
are *you* destined to become?
Lawler: "Well let me just say this, like Stone Cold Steve Austin is not
here yet, well, Jim Carrey's not here yet either, and I thought maybe he'd
be here in person tonight to listen to what I had to say about him, so
until he IS here in person, I'm gonna save my comments - I will just say
that what HAS been reported so far is far from the truth - if I HAD
savagely attacked Jim Carrey, he would still be in the hospital today.
I'll save whatever else I've gotta say until Jim Carrey is here in
[Shamrock] fails to say "knuckle up" or "in the zone" but DOES end his
interview with "Let's get it on" as part of his ongoing tribute to the
late, great Marvin Gaye.
Let me do a quick ICP imitation for you. "Handslikethis! Handslikethis!
X-PAC v. VAL VENIS (with Terri Runnels and her headlights) for the WWF
European Championship - Venis makes a headlights joke for the Detroit
crowd, so I guess I'm not the only one noticing Terri's - never mind.
Ken "is receiving a less than warm welcome," sayeth Ross, nudge nudge, you
HATE Shamrock now, you HATE Shamrock...oh sorry, got mesmerized for a sec
Sable will be on Pacific Blue next Sunday night - in a startling dramatic
turn, she'll play a slut behind bars!
Jackie's got scissors! She's shearing a lock from the blonde
tresses...well, you get the idea. That's a Jeff Jarrett impression there,
isn't it? Jacqueline shows off the hair as she and Mero share a laugh.
Don't cry Sable, you still have your enormous breasts.
DISCLAIMER: I am SICK. As in unwell, not as in sick. Yeah.
Blackman's opponent is JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET who is accompanied by
DEBRA McMICHAEL. *Holy shit!* I wasn't gonna believe it until I saw it,
and now that I've seen it - well, hell, I STILL don't believe it. Debra
looks a lot finer when she's showing all that leg, too - the Wonderbra
doesn't hurt either. We cut over to the War Zone as they reach ringside.
Crowd is appropriately lecherous to break out into a "Show Your Tits"
chant, and I can't say as I wouldn't mind too much if - wait, am I talking
about Debra McMichael here?
[on Tiger Ali Singh and the Godfather:] Remember fans, in this feud, the
face is the PIMP.
Terri tries to console Val, who is sufficiently spooked out, then she
whispers something in his ear - Terri smiles broadly, but Val turns white
as a sheet (or his towel) and then walks off, leaving her alone...I hope
to *God* this doesn't turn into a pregnancy thing.
KANE v. UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) in a Casket Match - THE FUN BROTHERS
EXPLODE! Whoops, sorry, got a Megapowers thing going there.
Nestle Crunch proudly presents Survivor Series: Deadly Game. It's just
more fun to Munch! Lawler: "We guarantee you'll see it in it's entirety!"
D-GENERATION X (what's left of it) comes out and introduces MOTLEY CRUE.
What'shisname has duct taped over the "U" in his T-shirt, so it says
FCKER. Cute. They sing a song or something. I consider snack
options. I settle for some Cheetos despite the fact that I should be
typing later tonight and that orange stuff NEVER comes off your fingers
unless it's on a computer keyboard, where it's incredibly annoying and
also NEVER comes off. I get back to the TV just in time to see the
Outlaws and X-Pac generally looking like asses with what'shisname. Say,
wasn't he married to Heather Locklear? Then a fan jumps up and joins
them, and their "bodyguard" drags him off...hmm, just like LAST night on
"Heat." Anybody think that the bodyguard is probably a new WWF superstar
and those "fans" were plants? Nah, that would be so CYNICAL of me to
believe. Buy the new Motley Crue CD Greatest Hits CD TOMORROW! DO NOT
WAIT! KANE IS NEXT!
And now JVCKaboom!box presents the Kaboom! of the week! It's Al Snow
getting creamed with Jarrett's guitar after the Head was distracted by
Debra McMichael. Hey wait - is the Head a lesbian?
Michael King Cole interviews Mankind and Al Snow. And Mr. Socko. And the
Head. Let's call the whole thing off. Oh, all right. Mankind: "Well,
Al is an exceptional wrestler, and we need an exceptional wrestler when
you take on the tag team Champions, even if I do feel that with the
exception of the Rock's elbow that the Head is just about the STUPIDEST
thing you'll ever-" "Hey! Now look, *Einstein*, if you haven't noticed,
you're just talkin' to a SOCK!" "Well, aren't you the clever one, I know
he's just a sock - I painted him myself! But isn't he cool?" If the
Outlaws don't like it, they've got one word for them - but Mankind thinks
the word is "Socko" and Snow thinks it's "Head."
Fortunately for us, Hawk bumbles out as if he's been kissin' the
snifter, if you catch my drift. Ross: "Looks like not only is he off the
wagon, looks like the wagon's run him over." Ross goes on to say Lawler
shouldn't make light of the situation. Ross, you're a hypocrite.
Michael King Cole is backstage with Al Snow and Mankind and their
respective voiceboxes. Al calls Cole "Todd" which will always be funny,
Mankind says that the Secrets of Professional Wrestling were revealed to
him last night ("you stomp the mat!" Al: "NO!!") and then Socko says
something about tie dye dancing (Dude Love?) and Snow says "Head." Yeah.
Did I mention ZZ TOP are in the audience? You don't CARE? But, dude, the
significance of the "Velcro Fly." I mean, "Sleeping Bag!" COME ON! It's
ZZ Top! Oh, you're right.
Last night, Terri Runnels told the world that she was pregnant with a
little Valbowski. Val went on to kick her to the curb - and THIS guy is
the FACE? Val compares himself to Hakeen Olajuwon but fails to use the
Mosh puts on the helium voice: "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
children of all ages - Stoopid Degeneration X sadly brings to you it's
wanna-be tag team chaaaaaaaaampions of the woooo(coughing) - I can't do it
because I suck - Puppy Dog Jerky James, Dumbass Rockabilly - the NEW - AGE
- IDIOTS!" Thrasher: "And if you're not down with the fact that the only
reason I have a nice ass is because I have implants, I have two words for
ya - YOU SUCK!"
Venis compares himself to Deion Sanders - they DO have something in common
now that I think about it; I don't really like either of them. We see a
couple Dallas Cowboys in the audience (as opposed to in the slamma,
Later tonight, a look back at Jesse Ventura. Ross congratulates the
voters of Minnesota for having "the courage to make such a bold choice."
Hey Ross, he's governor of the 20th biggest state in the Union, what the
hell are YOU doing with yourself?
WWF RAW is brought to you by Western Union (no, not LITERALLY)
So who's Mankind's mystery opponent? When in doubt, think: THE BROOKLYN
STEPHEN REGAL (with the Fred Tomlinson Singers) v. GODFATHER (with six -
er, three lovely ladies) - Hearing Lawler sing along with Regal's theme
reminds me of how Bobby Heenan used to whistle along to Shawn Michaels'
theme and how much that would annoy Gorilla Monsoon. ... I heard Flash
Funk backstage yelling "dammit, that used to be MY hat!" Godfather does
his spiel, word for word, offering Regal the chance at all three ho's for
free for the whole night - we see two almost bare asses. Okay, that one
ho probably showed her ass one too many times. Regal takes the mic. "Now
normally, there's nothing I'd like to do better than kick your head in.
But, I may be from England, but the last time I checked my name's Stephen
Regal, not Elton John, so I'll take the broads!" Crowd chants "Regal" -
yeah! Regal's the Man! He IS a Real Man's Man! As they walk off...
"Hey, hey Regal! Hey Regal, you know what man, I didn't really think you
were gonna take the ho's, so to quote what a good friend of mine Archie
Bunker sez, 'England ain't nuttin' but a place full of fags.'" Well,
because Regal is stupid, he turns around and rushes the Godfather,
completely blowing what would probably have been the greatest night of his
life. Dammit Regal...
My point (I didn't have one, but I do now) is this: If Hogan's REALLY
retiring, then I'll officially miss him for all he's done, love or hate
him. But if he comes back ONE MORE TIME - well, it'll be like giving
B.I.G. all those awards and then havin' him pop around the corner, "oh,
hey yo, what's happening," and walking off with all the statuettes while
everybody gets angry and feels like a sucker. That metaphor actually
makes NO sense at all, and I shouldn't talk about Hogan in the RAW
Recap, but it's almost 2am and the coffee is extra super strong.
Lawler calls Henry "Sexual Chocolate," which can only mean "Coming to
America" was on the USA network recently.
CHRISTIAN v. DUANE GILL for the World Light Heavyweight Title - oh, come
on. We get a nice shot of Marty Jannetty scoring a pinfall on Gill in his
"video package." I think I saw Max Moon in there, too! Christian pulls
him up at 2, which is probably the only way this match lasts any length of
time. Ross says that Gill "spent more time on canvas than Rembrandt."
It's all Christian, all the time. THIS MATCH IS THE PRETZELS! Also, it's
going on WAY too long. I'm trying to remember the last time we saw an
honest-to-God JOBBER match on RAW. Lawler: "Who do you think booked
this?" I'd like to know too. Gill thrown out to the Brood, who also get
in their shots. Well, now the J.O.B. SQUAD is out and fighting with
Gangrel and Edge. Scorpio is in with a springboard axehandle on Christian
- and he reverses the order of the coverer and the covered. Referee
"Blind" Jack Doane turns around, and counts. 1, 2, 3.
Unbefuckinglievable. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Light
Heavyweight Champion of the World. (2:28) ... Hey, remember when guys
like Taka Michinoku held this title? Sigh.
[On Undertaker attempting to "embalm Austin alive:"] I don't have to think
very hard when I say that this could quite possibly be the lamest fucking
thing I have seen this year on RAW.
Max Headroom vocal choppy editing style clip montage of Austin being
knocked out, and some other stuff that happened on last week's RIW that
I'm not talking about again because IT STUNK TO HIGH HEAVEN AND SUCKED
LIKE A HOOVER, BABY!
Austin poses to the crowd with the shovel for a while. Ross: "Feel the
magic of this man." Umm, thank you, no.
Backstage, Austin is still hunting for Undertakers in the bowels of the
building. He's found his way to the keg-and-meat-locker section of the
Arena. Because he's stupid, he walks all the way INTO a meatlocker, and
Undertaker just happens to be waiting to close the door and lock it.
Chill out, Austin! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha...man, I crack myself up
Henry calls for the waitress and asks for some "Perrierre." Chyna: "Mark,
it's *Perrier*." Henry: "Well, bring some of that, too." Then he sings
along with Marvin Gaye. This RULES.
[Possibly most tasteless RAW comment of the year:]
Cole tells us that JR's Momma died two days ago, I offer my condolences
and sincerely hope it wasn't because she heard some naughty words on RAW
or saw some obscene body parts.
Michael King Cole, hosting and providing commentary with Jerry King
Lawler, calls "RAW is WAR" "the most exciting action/adventure series on
television," which means he's never seen MacGYVER.
Lawler says Shane was a tough streetfighter growing up on the mean streets
Hoo boy, they got a big time shot of a lot of metal on her lower
set of choppers - I'm talkin' "guest shot in Moonraker and not as a Bond
girl either" teeth.
[I don't think I actually said this, but I wish I did:] The quote I have
for you (sorry, I don't know which report it's in - it's just memorable!)
is a Rage/Kaos quote ... "Jobber twin powers ... Activate!"
[Wade Minter later wrote and told me this was something HE'D said in his DDT Digest Nitro report. I'll buy that. His reports are AWESOME! Go! Read some archived ones right now! Look for cool URLs!]
DISCLAIMER: I am biased.
Both shows, every week
WARNING: I swear below.
Both shows, every week
[Hey, I don't say that EVERY week.]
Apparently the three Japanese guys (who don't even get an entrance, now
THAT drops you to the DEPTHS of jobberdom - for Nitro, anyway) are
students of Ultimo Dragon living in Mexico. This is, I guess, supposed to
make you care.
Opening credits - yeah! TWELVE MINUTES INTO THE SHOW!
Booker T must be anxiously awaiting therelease of the next Kraftwerk
Ooh, look! The Nitro Girls! And they're in their Carmen Miranda outfits,
but someone ate all the wax fruit!
Let us take you back to last week's Nitro: Diamond Dallas Page chases
Raven away, causing Buff Bagwell to win via countout. BUFF BAGWELL v.
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE for the US Title - I guess that ol' Championship
committee was SO impressed with Bagwell's COR victory that he earned a
title shot TONIGHT! Now THAT'S good booking!
Closed captioning (where available) is sponsored by two bodacious babes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Instead of clobbering Gene like we all want him to, Malenko goes home.
Mike Tenay, Tony Schiavone, and Bobby Heenan talk about Dean. Bobby
(correctly) states that it's all Okerlund's fault. Tenay says 'Iceman.'
Tony thinks it's a bonafide retirement - gee Tony, I guess that's why
we're all talking about him, huh.
Nick Patrick fools everybody with one of those 2.99999 counts.
Michael Buffer asks us if we're ready (for another screwjob, I think he
[It's not that I was GOLDEN on my first week, but that's the one that the
most people read and made suggestions from...I think.]
Finley enters to boos, hey wait, he's WCW you're supposed to cheer him!
Vincent tries to point out the "Big Poppa Pump" written on the back of
Steiner's tights and comes dangerously close to touching him in a private
Mean Gene Okerlund shills the hotline (only $1.69 a minute!) and
Tenay lets us know about the Calgary Hitmen's movement in the playoffs.
Well, hell, if THEY'RE not going to call the match, you think I am?
Last Thursday on THUNDER! Buff Bagwell bragged about his 5-1 record
against Lex Luger. That rerererererematch will open hour two, right after
Tony says they've received literally "hundreds of thousands of [Nitro
party] tapes." You buy that?
Let's take a special look at Bret Hart, who is STILL crying about
getting screwed, even while recognising that the fans are tired of
hearing him cry about getting screwed. "If I see someone else getting
screwed, that's my call..." no, that's too easy, I'll let you playing
along at home make that joke.
BARBARIAN (with Jimmy Hart) v. WAYNE BLOOM - hey look, Barbarian and Hart
still have jobs! And Bloom has been demoted to Nitro jobber (meaning he
doesn't even get an entrance).
Konnan and Vincent mock the classic Steiner Brothers pose - I missed
Konnan doing the dog peeing pose, if he did it.
For those of you that have been living in a cave, coming up at the big
Spring Stampede is a "bat match"- where Roddy Piper & Giant team up
against Kevin Nash & You Know Who in a cave filled with bats.
Hogan grabs a "HOGAN RULES THE NWO" poster, apparently, not knowing that
the back of said poster has "BENOIT TO THE WWF" written on it. Ha!
If you want to be like Raven, why not Buy the Shirt? Maybe then you can
teach him the difference between "Quote" and "Quoth."
"Baltimore" refers to the time Nash powerbombed then-WCW Bischoff through
a table. I wish we had a replay of that, but we don't.
Let's go to the back and see Goldberg get fired up for his US Title
shot. This is actually less exciting than it sounds.
It's WCW Monday Nitro! coming from the Scope in Norfolk, VA live (on tape
- every time Tony says it's live, he's lying)
Tony tries to bash the WWF, "we've been sold out for months and thirty
miles up the road they can't GIVE tickets away!" Having seen RAW and their
pre- emptive strike, I have to wonder what exactly Tony's smoking.
Let us take you back to last week, where Hart decks Piper because Piper
couldn't remember his line.
This portion of WCW Nitro was brought to you by Burger King! I wonder if
it's too late for them to get their money back.
This portion of Nitro is brought to you by "Black Dog." Any movie with
Randy Travis AND Meat Loaf can't be ALL bad.
Damn, was that the whole hour? Even the WWF can put more than 4:39 of
wrestling in an hour - even if they're incapable of booking a finish...
Kick, chop (wooo!), kick, chop (woooo!), heabutt, kick, kick, kick. Wow,
surely this IS the greatest wrestler in the world!
Savage is mad at Bret Hart, you know. On and on...clip after clip...I
suddenly remember I'm watching this on tape and fast forward. Ooh yeah!"
People tell me I'm too hard on Tony Schiavone for the stupid, boneheaded
things he says. Well, when Tony says things like "he doesn't quit" and I
see Juvi with no damn mask on, why WOULDN'T I complain?"
Let's take a special look at Raven - I'm going to go take a special look
at the hail and thunder and lightning and hope the power doesn't go out.
Besides, I *already* know Raven had an unhappy childhood.
[It seems weird that I said that seven months ago, doesn't it?]
ULTIMO DRAGON v. JOHNNY SWINGER (no entrance) - the night Nitro became
Worldwide continues - does WCW *deliberately* want a reason on which to
hang lousy ratings?
This portion of Nitro is brought to you by Burger King! Hey Burger King,
it's not too late to try to get a refund...
HUGH MORRUS (with James Hart) v. JIM POWERS (no entrance) - What is this,
night of the Living Jobbers? No Laughing Matter moonsault, whoops this
match is over (:27) Tony accurately pegs match time as "under two minutes."
LEN DENTON v. (bill "82-0") GOLDBERG for the United States Heavyweight
title - does anybody else see anything wrong with this matchup? (:53)
This just in - Hugh Morrus to be fired Tuesday for having a match half as
long as Goldberg's.
Juvi's tights say "Da Juice is Back" - we can only wonder what this
means, or indeed, where even the juice was.
This portion of Nitro is brought to you by Starbust Fruit Chews - now with
Can you believe it? The Nitro Party Contest has SPONSORSHIP! Mug Root
Beer - I can never drink it again. You know, the foam goes straight to
The Nitro Girls have stormed the commentators booth! Run!
It's WCW Nitro! LIVE 1.6.98 from "the Crossroads of Sting's Career" (aka
the MCI Center in Washington, DC)
No,this week we are graced with the presence of DENNIS "RODZILLA" "THE
WORM" "MORE NICKNAMES THAN HAIR COLOURS" RODMAN.
Tony Schiavone continues the gabfest by bringing out RODDY PIPER. Now, I
think those of you who know me know there's a lot of crap I'll transcribe,
but Piper is transcendental.
Disco with his swinging neckbreaker (!) 1, 2, no. Hey, wasn't that
Disco's finisher? I guess not this week.
"Mug root beer wants YOU to send in YOUR Nitro Party tapes! And then YOU
can be made a laughingstock in THIS column! And the foam will straight to
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Nintendo 64 Sports.
More real than NITRO!
Oh boy, it's back to the luxury box and back to Eric Bischoff. "I know
what sucks, and THIS doesn't." Spake too soon, Eric.
Chavo is doing a montage of Warner Brothers cartoon characters on his
way to the ring ("Be vewy qwiet - I'm hunting Goldberg! I have my
Eddie shirt - and I'm going to hug it and love it and squeeze it...")
- Goldberg's entrance is so awe-inspiring that the commentators
actually SHUT UP for, oh, a good forty seconds while Goldberg tries
really hard to light himself on fire with pyrotechnics.
CHRIS ADAMS v. SMOKIN' GIANT - hey! This is a no smoking facility! It
runs like this: Adams: "C'mon, let's fight!" Giant: "Wait, I'm
smoking." Adams: (punch kick) Giant: (KO punch) "Wait 'til I'm done
smoking, dammit!" Adams: (weak attempt at a superkick) Giant: (chokeslam)
- cool to see him keep the cigarette in his mouth while he's doing the
Mongo fires back. Hey, whatever happened to this guy's wife, I
He then slings insults at Kevin Greene until Greene appears at the
entrance. "You big dumb football player! You non-athlete! You
jerk!" Wow, Hennig is a monster.
"Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the ERIC BISCHOFF show!" Just for a
switch, let me write this paragraph as if I meant the exact opposite of
everything I typed. This, by far, was the finest segment of televised
professional wrestling I have ever witnessed in my many years of watching
televised professional wreslting.
Malone: "I want to say to Rodzilla - at Bash at the Beach - size DOES
MATTER." Page does a Bischoff imitation and mouths along.
It's WCW Monday Nitro! Coming to you LIVE 6.7.98 from the Georgiadome in
Atlanta, GA, this show is closed-captioned, rated TV-PG-DV (the "D" is for
damn, what a main event)
We cut to a shot of Goldberg backstage, who is doing pushups in order to
get so tired he'll lose the match.
[On 1 July, TNT initiated a split feed, which meant that I would no longer
see Nitro live at 5; instead, I had to wait until 8. (You didn't know I
could rhyme like a mime, DID-JA.) To celebrate that, I included this
quote in the 6.7 report:]
SCOTT "POLISH PIRATE" PUTSKI v. RIGGS (with tongue) - as Riggs walked out,
RAW started. Good night everybody!
and then I put in my footer, and followed it with so much whitespace that I actually fooled a lot
of people into thinking that I had honestly stopped watching and
reporting. Somebody actually wrote to MiCasa complaining about it, then
Mike actually PRINTED that letter. I don't think it's much of a
highlight, but it was suggested.... ;-)
Time for Putski to come back. Iblockyou'repunchyoudon'tblockmine
twice. Back elbow. It's Hammer Time! U can't touch this! That's
why we pray! Let's get it started!
Limousine outside. A wheelchair is removed from the trunk - and out from
the back seat is - YEAH! BUFF BAGWELL! along with his mother, who's
wheeling him. He's got a neck brace on. Maybe we'll see him later...I'm
pretty sure he's not taking on Goldberg tonight, though.
Gene-O brings out DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & KARL MALONE. For some bizarre
reason, the camera cuts to a "GOLDBERG: KING OF JEWS" sign.
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, MIKE TENAY, and LARRY "DOES THIS GOLDBERG
TEE MAKE ME LOOK FAT?" ZBYSZKO.
Buy a Goldberg shirt, or his face will FREEZE like that!
MEAN GENE OKERLUND, always keen to spot a segueway, invites out CURTRICK
HENNIGRUDE - Hennig may have a hand on Okerlund's rear end, I can't tell.
Oh, and Mysterio won the Cruiserweight title, no doubt by cheating and
pulling the hair and putting his feet on the ropes, because NOBODY beats
Let's look at a crappy Nitro Party. Remember, they only show the GOOD
ones - the ones that WIN! Can you IMAGINE what the bad ones must be like?
The Treacherous Three talk about Hennig/Goldberg, later tonight, also
Hall/Hogan, later tonight, Eric Bischoff special referee, and now Let Us
Take You Back to Monday Nitro, 15 June, where NWO Hollywood invaded the
cage to take apart Randy Savage's knee. Randy Savage - hmmm, I wondered
what happened to that guy. Why do they bring this up now? Well, because
it's time for HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN (with 2x4 and flag) v. RICK FULLER (no
music, no entrance) - and if you don't see a connection, you just haven't
been watching Nitro long enough.
Let Us Take You Back to Nitro, where BUFF BAGWELL made his return. THIS
is what they use to combat the beginning of RAW? I mean, it was a nice
segment, but it's a damn rerun! A rerun, I say!
[Hogan:] "Wait a minute, little Buffy - all the babyface crap I've been
hearing out here - instead of Buff Bagwell, maybe it should be Cream Puff
Bagwell and by the way, I'm tired of looking at you, and you make me sick"
and then he pushes over the wheelchair. Geez, doesn't Hogan have ENOUGH
on his plate already? Or maybe he wants a feud he can win...
Tenay, master of understatement, says "the phenomenon that is Goldberg
is nothing short of phenomenal."
Tony says "I smell a conspiracy" - I'm smellin' something else.
And oh boy, Goldberg puts everything on the line
against.....against....Brian Adams. Yes, friends, the #1 Contender is
a guy I'd completely forgotten about.
Travis Tritt will see YOU at Sturgis! And then YOU can make fun of
his outfit! AND his voice!
Travis Tritt smells T-R-O-U-B-L-E. Of course, if he'd change his
diet, he wouldn't have to worry about that. Again, he'll see YOU at Sturgis!
You know, one of the things I really like about WCW is how they don't feel
that they have to beat us over the head with mindless repetition. With
that in mind, let's fire up that NWO theme...
Travis Tritt is Road Hard, Road Fast and Road Wild. And that's
another Road PPV ad.
Travis Tritt music video promoting WCW Road Wild, which word on the
street says is this Saturday. Sing along with me, kids: "I smell
T-R-O-U-B-L-E / We're gonna have us some C&W on a P-P-V / Well you may
think that rasslin's what you paid to see / But you just ain't as
smart as that cracka Eazy-E / Everybody thinks "wrestling," they think
"Travis Tritt" / and you know what the thirty bucks'll buy you is
sh...." oh this ad is over.
Tonight Show clip. Tony says "A scene we would like to see again and
again and again..." Hey, Tony, aren't you WATCHING this show?
BARBARIAN (with James Hart) v. HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN (with 2x4 and
American flag) - wow, a MATCH! And only twenty minutes into the show!
A match that could probably be a main event anywhere in the
Now THE FLOCK has made their way to the ring. Raven - are you ready
for this? - gives Saturn the Evenflow.
NOTHING CAN STOP MENG! except an ad break.
Tony mentions THUNDER! on Thursday but fails to tell us that it's taped
and will probably only have a ten second main event.
Gene O. brings out DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, who just *have* to walk out
through the crowd or else they'll stop calling him "the People's Champion"
Page says he had a guy's number in his Rolodex, and he flew out west to
ask this guy if he wanted a piece of the Immortal One, Hollywood 'Scum'
Hogan. 'This cat I'm talking about, if you look in the record books,
BROTHER, you're oh and one!' It's the Genius, isn't it? The Genius, Lanny
Poffo, is FINALLY making his WCW return! No? You don't think so? Oh,
well we'll see I guess.
Well, yes, it's MR. DESTRUCITY come back to kill us all. "Talk to me,
Waryrs!" Dare I even try to transcribe the coming tongue twister?
With the ref down, Stevie Ray reaches down for the blackjack in his
tights (not what you think, you lech) and decks Jericho.
(About WCW Bashing Brawlers) For those of you playing along at home,
complete the following sentence: "And when you hit Raven in the crotch,
he says ___________."
ONE MORE TIME Tony talks about the "competitor's main event didn't even
last as long as Buffer's introduction." What the HELL is he talking
about? Let's look at the last few RAW main events.
10.8 Four-way tag team title match - 14:30
3.8 Undertaker/Austin v. Owen/Rock - 11:13
27.7 Undertaker/Austin v. Outlaws - 8:something
20.7 Kane/Mankind v. Steve Austin - 4:55
13.7 Kane/Mankind v. Outlaws - 8:07
6.7 Undertaker v. Mankind v. Kane - 2:17
That last one is CLOSE, but still 13.7 times as long as ten seconds. It
also took place six weeks ago. I'm stymied. I'm mystified. I just DON'T
get it. Tony is a FUCKING IDIOT.
Tenay orgasms over the word "LIVE! - no videotape here!" knowing full well
that the taped RAWs *beat* the Live Nitros - so everybody changes the
There's the opening credits I know and love. You know, Giant, Lex Luger,
Steiner Brothers - how many of those guys are left in WCW?
AGAIN somebody bashes RAW because it isn't live. Remember this when you
watch THUNDER! this week...
Let Us Take You Back to Saturday Night (you mean you DON'T watch it?)"-
Local insert ad hypes the local RAW is WAR at the San Jose Arena 14
September. Surprisingly, there's no such ad during RAW - I guess
everybody watching RAW already BOUGHT their tickets. (Hint hint, I
didn't, if anybody's got a press pass lying around, hint hint, free plugs
every week from me in return, hint hint).
Nitro Party winner video. They cut away from the Nitro Girls in those
outfits to show me THIS crap?
The highlight of this match is Tenay and Tony continuing to whine about
RAW being taped and that we shouldn't bother watching 'the ten second
confrontation that ends this show' and that it 'was taped weeks ago.' I
leave it to the reader to make the appropriate obseravtions of
idiot/cluelessness to the commentators. I bet that 'Larry' chant is taped.
Man, the Hitman's putting the Hart back in Hartford.
Gene O. needs to talk some more because there was too much wrestling
Tony again says that they won't have a ten second main event like another
program. Umm, Tony, Goldberg's matches only last two minutes.
And Eric approved this angle, but only if Eddie could work the name "Eric
Bischoff" about a MILLION times in his interview.
Did you know people from turner.com have visited my homepage? They even
have my picture, for crying out loud! I bet Tony printed it out and drew
little devil horns on my head. It sounds like something he'd do. Then
he'd proclaim it the BIGGEST GRAFFITI IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT.
To the corner, right hand by Kanyon and Saturn goes down. Another right.
Kick to the gut, repeat, repeat, my goodness this is *innovative*.
Tony says "ten second main event" again. Man, I'm going to turn to RAW in
the last quarter hour 'cause I'm afraid I might MISS that main event if
I'm watching Nitro!
Tony says something about TNT bringing you live wrestling EVERY Monday
(but not every Thursday).
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - where the Warrior disappears.
Several camera angles - how'd they do that? Tony says "literally
evaporates," which is almost as dumb as literally vaporising. Tony
speculates that THIS is DDP's shocker. I'm still going to hold out for
NO-SMOKIN' GIANT (with Booty Disciple) v. (bill "131-0") GOLDBERG for the
WCW World Heavyweight Championship - okay, the "main event." ... (DQ
entrance 3:16 [how odd], match 3:25)
Hmmm, you wanna guess which fed has LONGER main events, Tony, you fat
prick who doesn't deserve to live? Oops, guess I can't work for WCW now.
Ha! God bless wrestlemaniacs.com! God bless MiCasa! God bless Scaia!
Thank you, and GOOD NIGHT!
Just in case you were curious:
10.8 Goldberg v. Meng entrance 2:30, match 2:07
3.8 Giant/Hall v. Sting/Hart 6:28
27.7 Hogan v. Page 4:16
20.7 Hart v. Page (Page injured) 2:50
13.7 Goldberg v. Hennig entrance 3:13, match 1:22
6.7 Hogan v. Goldberg entrance 3:50, match 8:11
Oh, Tony? Fuck you.
Hey look, it's BUFF BAGWELL as Rick Steiner!
Tony: "We've been duped again." What do you mean "we", kemo sabe?
Entertaining sidebar has Tenay explaining what "arriba la raza" means. I
always knew Tenay was down with the vatos locos.
[Bret Hart:]"..Booker T., get your ass out here and prepare for one more
ass-kicking!" Oh oh, he said that word - twice!
Ladies and gentlemen, there's the TV-PG-DV box! The DV stands for "Don't
Vomit at the smell of Voodoo Chili!"
Gene O. brings out DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, who says "Yo no soy marinero / yo
no soy marinero / soy capitan, soy capitan." Okay, maybe he doesn't. To
be honest, I really didn't listen.
The Castrol Torture Test of
the week is not only the replay, it's a description of me having to put up
with this show.
The Awesome 3 are ready to get me off this high - Tony says this was the
greatest moment in the history of the program, bar none. Now if he hadn't
said that every week, those words just MIGHT carry some weight. Granted,
it is the greatest moment in the history of the program, but coming from
Tony, who could apply that phrase to last week's Scott Putski/Goldberg
matchup with the same sincerity...but I need to just let that slide away
Hogan throws a chair at a mirror, which
does not break. Good thing, too, that'd be seven years of bad luck (or in
my case, seven years of this angle continuing).
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! TYGRESS gets a solo dance. I bet that
isn't her real name.
KAZ HAYASHI (with Sonny Onoo) v. THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT
(without Kryten) - in a shocking display of irony, Schiavone complains
about Miller's referring to himself as a three time World's karate
Champion "ad nauseum, over and over and over and over..."
Backstage, we see a Hummer limousine pull up - apparently the WOLFPACK is
in there. And there they are. Sting takes on Bret Hart tonight, by the
way. They're ... they're WALKING!
She turns to Steiner, who grabs her - but Rick takes care of Scott
while Judy takes out Buff by the ear. That was pretty cool, but let's
never see her again or it'll be too much.
Nash and Hall brawl for a while, tussle on a pool table, then grapple
in a bathroom. Make your own joke. Also, there are a bunch of idiots
Keep watching as Bischoff gets Beth Flair on the cel phone, then Ric
Flair walks out, then the NWO comes out, then the Horsemen come out,
and the best part is - are you ready for this? - NOTHING HAPPENS!
Tenay says this will be the first time Sting & Warrior have teamed in
twelve years - do you want to be letting out big numbers like that?
Now I may not know much about this crazy business that, try as we
might, we cannot help but love, but I do know one thing, and that one
thing is this: Big Sexy is most definitely in the house.
Hey look! It's the Nitro Girls! Do you think they take turns putting
body glitter on each other? What do you MEAN I shouldn't give you mental
pictures like that this early in the morning?
Tony says, and remember, the best stuff is the stuff I can't make up:
"Page will give it 110%. I know, realistically, that's not possible,
but he will."
Scott Hall is continuing to let the good times roll - it looks like he's
found a nice young 50-something woman to hit on.
In fact, it looks like most of NWO Hollywood is out -
VINCENZO, DRINKIN' SCOTT HALL, NO SMOKIN' GIANT, SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER,
BUFF BAGWELL, STEVIE RAY, and lest we forget what happened last night,
HORACE (boulder) HOGAN. Conspicuous by their absence: Norton, Adams,
HennigRude, all the Japanese guys, NWO Sting, and Syxx. I think that
SICK BOY v. WRATH - Thank you, drive through. (Meltdown 2:52)
ACHTUNG ACHTUNG HIER IST ALEX WRIGHT v. THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC NORMAN SMILEY
(no entrance) - holy SHIT, only a MINUTE into the first hour and there's a
wrestler walking to the ring! Since Alex is wearing peach, Smiley has
opted for yellow.
WRATH v. KENDALL WINDHAM - I love Cheez-It Party Mix. I love the
Cheez-Its. I love the Shuffles - the cheesy crackers in the shape of
playing card suits. I love the indigestable Sesame logs. I love the
Sourdough bits. And I love the rice puffs. But the problem is about half
of the box of Cheez-It Party Mix is pretzels - butter sticks and reg'lar
twists. The pretzels are the bits you put up with and pay for to get
to the good stuff. Thus, my latest addition to the art of wrestling
report critique: THIS MATCH IS THE PRETZELS! (Meltdown 1:55)
Some Lynyrd Skynyrd guy is in the crowd. Hey, remember that "flames"
cover? I'll bet that guy does!
Eddie and Konnan take turns accusing each other of not being Raza, and
talkin' Spanish (I believe Konnan's translated to "My video does not
suck, dammit to hell, I can't wait until it's on Onda Max," while
Eddie's translated to "Alejandra Guzman should have married me
instead, I would have treated her so so right.")
[Nominated my most tasteless comment, but I don't know why ;-) :]
ACHTUNG ACHTUNG HIER IST ALEX WRIGHT v. THE GREATEST WRESTLER ALIVE, BARRY
HOROWITZ (no entrance) - Horowitz is wearing his WWF Star of David trunks,
good for him. Goldberg SAYS he wants to do it, but Horowitz is walkin'
the walk, baby. Before the match starts, Wright gets ring announcers
DAVID PINZER (I'll spell his name right from now on, I promise) in on the
act as he announces that Wright would like complete silence in order to
help his total concentration (camp) (aw shit).
The Wolfpack howl comes out over the PA for no reason - oh, wait, here's
KEVIN NASH, KONNAN, and THE TOTAL WOLFPACKAGE come out to make sure my
man, THE MAN, Barry Horowitz doesn't suffer the defeat. Nash helps
Horowitz up - my God, he's going to RECRUIT HOROWITZ INTO THE WOLFPACK!
Disciple says he's his own man, no longer in line behind Hollywood
("Yes Warrior? I'll be right there!")
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Bobby Heenan. Tenay says
he wishes we could have Nitro seven days a week, and Heenan almost leaps
across the desk to throttle him.
Nitro Xtra 10.11.98
(billy) KIDMAN v. NEVER SURRENDER JUVENTUD GUERRERA for the World
Cruiserweight Championship - no hello, no hype, no introductions, just in
we go. No idea how long the match has been going on, no idea who's in
command, or in control. TV-PG-DV box appears - I guess it *is* the
beginning of the show. I feel like Admiral Stockdale. Where are we? Who
am I? Will I do play-by-play?
I *guess* it was okay, but you know what would have really been cool?
If Luger had lost, and then NEVER WRESTLED AGAIN.
The Treacherous Three surprise no one by revealing that tonight there'll
be a Goldberg/Giant match tonight for the title. Stipulation: There must
be a winner. Make your own joke with that one.
WRATH v. KEVIN NASH (with the book) - the story here is that like
Goldberg, Wrath has a lengthy undefeated streak. Will Nash dent it, as we
all know he will at Starrcade? Did you know this is the first time in
nearly two months Nash has wrestled in a singles match on Nitro? Couldn't
be 'cause he has the book, could it? ... There's a jackknife powerbomb. 1,
2, 3. So long Wrath. You did not have the power. You do not hold the
Mike Tenay had a bit too much to drink at the Brian Hildrebrand card and
couldn't make it this week (well, they didn't actually SAY that, but I
read between the lines. The lines - OF COKE.)
To add insult to injury, let's play "Konnan's Music Video." FUCK YOU,
KEVIN NASH. It only took you TWO Nitros to prove to me that it doesn't
matter who's in charge, the product is STILL going to suffer. It's going
to matter more who you're friends with then how entertaining/athletic/good
you can be. Saying "bowdyboutit" and "wolfpack in the house" doesn't
count for SHIT and it DAMN sure doesn't deserve holding the gold. And
this song FUCKING sucks and there is NO good reason for it to be shoved
down our collective throats like we're Monica Lewinsky looking for some
Presidential action. And who plays a song without revealing the title
anyway? "Konnan's Music Video." Hey Konnan, you're as white as I am, you
fucking prick. You don't deserve that belt. Your music video sucks.
Your "rap" sucks. Your "rep" sucks. You are neither bowdy-'boutit nor
rowdy-rowdy. I hope your vocal cords get cut so I never have to hear you
speak on dis EVER again. If you ever meet any REAL vatos locos, you'll be
in deep shit, I guarantee it. Oh, wait, it's over? Maybe I can get on
with my life. AND MAYBE NOT.
WRATH v. BOBBY BLAZE (no entrance) - Hey, Wrath, you still jobbed to Nash
last week, so you suck. (Meltdown :28) Why yes, the replays DO take
longer than the match.
Tony is openly weeping for poor old Wildcat Willie.
Get to Know the Nitro Girls - exclusive up close 'n' personal interview
with Tygress. Geez, she looks ready to cry the whole time. She fails to
talk about how she pushed out Tayo to get her spot.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago. Nash is annoyed, Taylor says there's
a match tonight, Nash guarantees the match won't happen and Goldberg
better stay focused on him. Goldberg says that not a second goes by that
he doesn't DREAM of knocking his ass to the mat. Hey, he said "ass"
again! Remember Homer's idea to make Itchy & Scratchy better? "When
Poochie isn't on the screen, the other characters should be sad, look
around, and say 'Where's Poochie?'" KEVIN NASH IS POOCHIE!
Hey, you know what I was thinking that Nitro needed more of? That's RIGHT!
THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT comes to the ring.
Unfortunately, he's dressed to wrestle.
And sure enough, the opening strains of "Theme from NWO Nitro" can only
mean two things; one, that I am going to be reminded of the Nitro where
the NWO took over the show and put on one of the crappiest hours in
history, and two, CRACKA EAZY-E is going to come out and kill some time.
Here's a crappy Nitro Party video, which manages to combine the excitement
of watching Nitro with a group of friends with the excitement of BOWLING.
They shouldn't show people executing wrestling moves on these tapes - only
TRAINED PROFESSIONALS should DDT opponents on a bowling alleyfloor!
Steiner says "the Show Me State of St. Louis, Missouri" and Tony corrects
him saying, "it's a city," probably forgetting that is was only a short
time ago that HE said Houston was astate.
Hey, WHY BOTHER WITH A TV-PG RATING IF "HELL" HAS TO BE MUTED?
KONNAN v. ACHTUNG ACHTUNG HIER IST ALEX WRIGHT for the World Television
title - K-Dawg shows his mastery of rap by rhyming "yay" and "yeah-yay."
Opening credits - at the opening! Can they FINALLY be getting it right?"-
Let's Take A Special Look at Eric Bischoff - because production values are
EXPENSIVE and you can't just run a package one week. Fast forward!
Big Sexy T-shirt ad is neither Big nor Sexy. Discuss.
Smiley stompin' all over the man. Vertical suplex for 2. Headscissors, not
for long. Kneedrop. Dance. "Come to Daddy, Pepe!" He's doin' Pepe in da butt
and smackin' him up! Wow, Chavo's mad now. You can't just sodomize a man's
stick horse and expect to get away with it!
Tony: "Is this one of the most memorable moments in the history of live
televised wrestling or what? I mean, I don't know what to say." Hey, Tony,
why don't you just SHUT THE HELL UP.
...FLAIR WINS! (4:04) Tony leaves the booth to celebrate in the ring.
TONY LEAVES! TONY LEAVES! TONY LEAVES! THIS IS THE GREATEST VICTORY IN THE
HISTORY OF OUR SPORT!
And what HAVE we learned from all this, ladies and gentlemen? We have
learned this. Anyone who pays ANY money for ANY pay-per-view is a complete
idiot. Thank you, and GOOD NIGHT!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
Miss a week? Check out the CRZ Archives at
http://www.aimnet.com/~kzim Just look for the WM logo!