Your hosts at ringside are Joey Styles (gray suit, white shirt, black tie, Buddy Holly glasses, as usual) and "the quintessential stud-muffin", himself, Joel Gertner, (resplendent in black two-piece suit, scraggly-haired bare chest, black neck brace accented with silver-gray bow tie, cheap jazz-beard chin fuzz. Oog.)

Mr. Gertners' attempt at high culture through poetry gets nixed by Don "Cyrus" Callis, who joins the boys in the center of the ring. (Cyrus has a headset microphone as well as a stick mic? Hmmm...) Let's listen in...

(to Gertner), "nobody has as much heat with the head office than you do." (Joey Styles jacks up his "long-suffering announcer" routine another notch.) "You know, Joel, contrary to popular belief, I've been in your corner from Day One, and I just want to see you become the best that you can be."

(Cries of "Shut up, Virus!" and "Eat me!" from the crowd.)

"Now, Joel, I have censored you, I have called you into the office for meetings, I've warned you privately, I've warned you publicly, I've warned you on TNN (Crowd starts "Asshole!" chant, much to Cyrus' hurt surprise. Joey Styles is holding his ears.) Cyrus shakes his head in disgust, then touches the headset like he's "getting instructions from the back". He continues: "I've even had to warn you in front of the boys, and you know you've got a lot of heat with the boys!" (Gertner looks pensive, even anxious. Styles looks amused). "So, Gertner, here's the deal. For God's sake, can't you see that the whole "dirty- middle- name" thing is SO not over?" (Evil smile from Cyrus). "You are gonna have to be a little creative for once, kid, because I have to tell you tonight, kid, the next time you ignore my authority, I'm gonna kick your fat ass!" (crowd laughs uproariously). That said, Cyrus takes his leave. An incensed Joel Gertner makes a diving lunge at Cyrus' ankles, but is tackled in mid-leap by Joey Styles. Cyrus is non-plussed by Gertner's reaction, and Gertner says something really nasty to Cyrus from the safety of Joey Styles' armpit. Cyrus rips off the headset and makes for the ring to bust Gertner one, as we go to

Opening credits. (You know, ECW constantly updates their opening film montage to reflect their changing roster. This week, Mike Awesome hits a massive "Awesome Bomb" on Little Spike Dudley. Francine plays "horsey" with Dawn Marie Bytch. Hey, is that Francine's chooch? Live on tape on TNN? Wowzee!)

Ahem,

We open with more mic work from the Impact Players, who arrive at ringside sporting their new ECW World Tag Championship belts. Dawn Marie is particularly fetching, and wastes no time teasing the crowd, getting the usual response. ("Show your tits! Show your tits!") Well, Messrs. Credible and Storm are amused at these comments directed to the lovely Dawn Marie, and we hear from Justin Credible first: "Well, we hate to say we told you so, but..." World's Sexiest Man Jason finishes with, " but we TOLD YOU SO!" (Much hilarity from the Impact Players at Jason's "bon mot".) After a sneer and a snigger, Mr. Credible resumes: "You see, we TOLD you we would become the ECW World Tag Champions, we TOLD you we were gonna make an Impact!"

(Crowd: "Show some pussy! Show some pussy! Dawn Marie is getting vexed.)

Mr. Credible continues: "You see, tonight the Establishment wants us to defend our World Tag Championships", (pauses for effect), "But, you see, we're running the show now, so we will NOT defend our Tag team Titles, tonight!"

(Crowd boos, Justin sneers and spits a big wad o' somethin' wayyy out of the ring.)

All this bluster brings out the team of Dastardly Danny Doring and Angry Amish Roadkill, accompanied by the (stunningly endowed!) Elektra. (Doring's sporting a new blue spangled duster, while Roadkill's looking very Halloween with his orange shirt and black trousers. Hey, Roadkill wears a belt AND suspenders? Talk about insecurity! Meanwhile, Elektra's outfit is having major difficulties covering all the good parts. The black patent leather thigh boots are a nice touch.)

Ummm, excuse me, I need some air...

There, that's better.

Danny Doring's got the mic: "I'm sorry to cut everything short, but let me say something to you...CHAMPS! You are NOT gonna disappoint the people here, you are gonna put the titles on the line TONIGHT against Doring and Roadkill!"

(Crowd noise, cries of "Yeah!" "You suck!, " etc.)

Lance Storm on the mic: "Who the hell do you think you are? (points at Doring) "You're a couple of "Opening Match" guys, " (Dawn Marie: "Yeah, 'Opening Matches' ONLY for YOU two!") Storm: "The only thing that's "Main Event" about you two guys is your chick's breasts!" (Dawn Marie: "Whaa..? Hey, Lance...!") Storm: "Who did you ever beat besides a bunch of one-dimensional, no-talent jobbers?" (Dawn Marie: "I can spell 'jobbers', "). Storm: "But that only gets you to mid-card! You guys beat a mid-card team, we'll think about having a match with you! So, "newly-elevated mid-card team", meet "newly-demoted mid-card team"... Dreamer and Raven!" Which brings out Tommy Dreamer and Raven, moving at speed, each wielding a steel chair. Alakazam! and the Impact Players disappear from the ring. Tommy and Raven have a few choice words with Justin Credible, and get a none-to-gentle reminder of the task at hand by Doring and Roadkill. Dastardly Dan stomps on Raven, while Roadkill is raining windmill punches on Dreamer, and the TNN folks think this is a good time for some

Commercials

Hey, what's Taz hawking the ECW action figures? I thought he was in the WWF now? Ad for the "Big Ass Extreme Bash", Mikey Whipwreck against (holy cow!) CACTUS JACK! This was Mick Foley's last appearance in ECW, and the match was as wild as these two pros trying hard could make it! Folks, why shell out $35.00 on some "jerk-ya" WCW or WWF PPV, with NO guarantee of what kind of matches you'll see, (are you listening, Starrcade viewers?) when you could have this absolute gem of a tape as your very own, forever? Go! Buy the tape! Now! ENJOY!

We return to the action, to find Danny Doring clotheslining Tommy Dreamer, and tagging in Roadkill. Big bodyslam by Roadkill, who then goes up on the top rope for some aerial work. All for naught, though, as Dreamer pounds on the ropes and crotches the big guy on the top turnbuckle. A towering Superplex by Tommy Dreamer plants Roadkill in the center of the ring. Dreamer zip-lines along the bottom rope to tag in Raven. Raven's a house afire, landing punches in bunches on both Doring and Roadkill. Then he takes a noseblow break, then wipes the hankie on Doring's face! (Joey Styles: "Oh my GOD! Raven just snot-ragged Dastardly Danny!"). Francine tosses a steel chair to Raven, who plants Roadkill face first on the chair with a drop toe-hold. Cover, but Raven only gets 2, as Danny Doring breaks the count with a guillotine leg drop. Raven sees it coming, though, and gets out of the way, causing Doring to land on Roadkill. Dastardly Danny then gets Evenflo- ed by Raven, cover, 1,2... baseball slide by Roadkill saves his partner. A groggy Raven tumbles into his corner to tag Tommy Dreamer. Dreamer lands a Big Right Hand between Roadkill's eyes, then Irish whips the big man through the ropes. Roadkill hits the floor HARD! Dreamer outside now, helping Francine set up a table at ringside. "Mr. Roadkill, party of one, your table is ready...", and Tommy Dreamer hits the pescado that puts Roadkill through the table! Elektra's in the ring, unable to believe what just happened to Roadkill. Elektra's having control problems with her bodice area, what there is of it, and doesn't see Francine climbing through the ropes behind her. Finally seeing the danger, Elektra drops to her knees, pleading with Francine. The Queen of Extreme is all set to... but Dawn Marie clocks her from behind with what looks like a vacuum cleaner tube. Francine's down for the count. The deed done, Dawn Marie's gone in a flash, and after a moment, so's Elektra. Raven picks up the semi-conscious Francine in his arms, and runs backstage. This, of course, leaves Tommy Dreamer to face Doring and Roadkill by himself. He's got Doring tied to the Tree of Woe, though, and spares a moment looking for his now-vanished partner and girlfriend. Back to business, as Tommy lands a two-boot crotch shot on Doring's in-seam, followed by a Spicolli Driver and a cover, but Roadkill stops it at 2 again, landing a guillotine leg drop from the top rope that stuns Dreamer. Roadkill is back up, but he's favoring that left knee. No matter, he still hits the running power slam on Tommy, then covers for only a 2 count. Doring's back up, holding his head, and shouting at senior referee John Finnegan. Doring to the crowd at ringside: " You wanna see the.., (I dunno, sounded like "Cheese Strut Sweep" to me) as he sets up Dreamer. Roadkill starts a running lariat, but Tommy Dreamer's ready for him with a boot to the gut. Holy cow, Dreamer hits a Russian leg sweep on Doring, and DDT's Roadkill SIMULTANEOUSLY! Uh oh, Rhino, Steve Corino and Jack Victory are in the ring now. Corino distracts the ref., while Victory kayo's Roadkill, and Rhino puts the piledriver on Dreamer. Corino and Co. bail out just in time for Dastardly Danny Doring's plancha from the top rope, (Jeez, look at that hang time!), 1,2,3 and Dreamer's done.

Corino & Victory back in to continue the stomp on Dreamer. Referee John Finnegan tries to break it up, and gets nailed with a right cross from Corino. Corino & Victory continue to beat on Dreamer, and don't notice that, yep, it's The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes who has joined their little party. Dusty capitalizes on the heels inattention with double fists of fire on both Corino and Victory. Some shuckin', jivin' and two Bionic Elbows later, Steve Corino's in a heap on the floor. Victory gets a (Joey Styles: "Oh My GOD!"), Bionic Elbow Drop from the American Dream himself! (Joey Styles: The Dream is alive and well in South Philadelphia! Dusty Rhodes is standing tall in the ECW Arena!") Yikes, Rhino's back, and Rhodes goes down hard. Tommy Dreamer tries to protect Dusty, but the three heels are too much for Dreamer and it looks like he's finished.

Is that Metallica I hear...?

The Sandman arrives, accessorized with beer and Singapore cane. Rhino charges at the Sandman, who merely steps aside and lets Rhino charge past and into the ring post. WOW, the whole RING shook! Talk about a stiff hit! Sandman takes a hit off his beer, and sets up like Mark McGwire at the plate. Rhino's back up again, just in time to get a vicious home run - quality whack on the head from the Sandman's Singapore cane, staggering him. Sandman takes another beer break. Rhino shakes off the blow, gets another tremendous whack across the face that drops him to his knees, and starts him bleeding from the forehead! (Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!"). Corino and Victory collect the groggy, bleeding, and thoroughly enraged Rhino. Tommy Dreamer and Dusty Rhodes take some well-earned rest in the ring, while the Sandman stands guard, and we go to

Commercials

We come back briefly to find that the whole ECW Arena is singing, (howling, really) along with Metallica, while the Sandman shares his beer with Dusty Rhodes and Tommy Dreamer. We cut to:

ECWwrestling.com has an exclusive interview with the American Dream himself, Dusty Rhodes. Plus, "Explicit Pervert Pics!" Get your bookmarks ready out there.

Back to ringside as Dusty Rhodes basks in some wild crowd heat. ("Dusty! Dusty! Dusty!"). Dusty looks close to tears as the fans keep cheering for him. Looks like he got his wind back, too.

TNN commercial block: "Rockin' Bowl", (aw, jeez!), "Dead Man's Gun", and "18 Wheels of Justice" ( with G. Gordon Liddy, no less!). Action Wednesdays on TNN! No really! We mean it! Stop laughing! "Men and women on the same track, in an ALL OUT WAR! Feel the All-Star Challenge of Roller Jam, next on TNN Thrill Zone Friday!" (Heeheehee!)

Mr. Styles and Mr. Gertner announce the next match:

Yoshihiro Tajiri against the "Insane Luchadore" himself, Super Crazy!

Owing to bad feelings between Tajiri and Super Crazy, this match is a "Mexican Death Match". Falls count anywhere, anything's legal, and the match ends with a count-out or throwing of your opponent over the top rope. Being unconscious won't save you, either.

Mr. Gertner: "Mexican Death Match? Does that mean that the loser has to drink the water?" Mr. Styles: "Hey, I got one! How 'bout the loser has to watch twelve hours of Mil Mascaras movies? Mr. Gertner: "Even better, how about ONE hour of "Rockin' Bowl?" (That Joel. What a card!)

The match is joined in progress, as Tajiri ties Super Crazy to the Tree of Woe, then hits a stiff baseball slide to the head. Tajiri, outside the ring, tosses THREE steel chairs back into the ring.

Styles: "This is a Mexican Death match, and it has escalated the violence to a level you don't normally see." Gertner:" Unless you're in Mexico City!"

Tajiri spits a big "wad" into the crowd, then re-hangs Super Crazy on the Tree of Woe, carefully placing all three chairs across the face of Super Crazy. Baseball slide! (Styles: "Oh my GOD! Super Crazy is busted open!") Tajiri, outside the ring, finds a table, slides it inside the ring, and sets it up. Super Crazy is staggering around outside the ring, his face a mask of blood. He finally rolls back into the ring. Tajiri stands over him, spitting and slapping Super Crazy, and spits one more good "loogie" into the crowd. Tajiri then BITES the forehead of Super Crazy, grins like Dracula, and spits the blood all over the place. Licking Super Crazy's blood from his hand, Tajiri wipes that hand across his chest, leaving a red smear. Tajiri bounces Suoer Crazy's head off the tabletop, then sets the head on the table edge like a cocoanut. He zips a steel chair the length of the table, (Joey Styles: "He's trying to DECAPITATE Super Crazy!") but the "Insane Luchadore" has enough presence of mind to duck, and the chair goes sailing into the crowd. Tajiri tries the chair trick once more, getting the same result. Now the FANS are throwing the chairs back into the ring. Tajiri starts taunting the fans! Spinning savate kick catches Super Crazy full in the face, and he goes down. Tajiri displays the gory face of Super Crazy for all to see, before dumping him on the table. Karate chop across the throat for good measure. Tajiri to the top rope, a big leap... (Styles: "Oh my GOD! He landed with both feet on Super Crazy's chest, but the table didn't break!) Tajiri tries it again, and NOW the table breaks. (

Crowd's cheering: "ECW! ECW! ECW!")

Tajiri's working on Super Crazy, but the "Insane Luchadore" has finally had enough. Here's a whip to the ropes, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, and Tajiri is down. Top-rope Moonsault ( Wow! What air time!). Thrown over the top rope to the floor, then over the guard rail and into the crowd. Super Crazy is talking to the fans, asking for some room.

(Crowd: "Suu-per Craa-zy! ). Tajiri is dragged to a table behind the "Bleacher Creatures". Super Crazy climbs to the top of the bleachers, MOONSAULT off the bleachers sends Tajiri through the table, and onto the concrete floor! Back through the crowd go both wrestlers, with Super Crazy in control. With both men back in the ring, Super Crazy feels a little soccer practice is in order with Tajiri's head as the ball. Tajiri's in the corner, and it's time for the "Ten- count Beatdown" , Hispanic version.

(Crowd: "Uno, Dos, Tres," etc.) Tajiri staggers to the opposite corner and collapses.

(Crowd: "Uno mas! Uno mas! meaning "One more time!" ) So Super Crazy is glad to oblige once more. Tajiri is bleeding from the forehead pretty freely, now. Tajiri gets whipped into the ropes, but his handspring elbow momentarily stuns Super Crazy, but he recovers nonetheless, and hits a massive clothesline that flattens Tajiri. (Styles: "What a war we are witnessing, between two great athletes!") The fans at ringside are solidly behind Super Crazy now, as he lifts the limp body of Tajiri up and crotches him on the top rope. Super Crazy to the top turnbuckle, spinning heel hit to the back of Tajiri's head, and Tajiri topples of his precarious perch. There's a couple of chops, and it looks like Tajiri's trying to mount some sort of offense. Tajiri's front kick gets caught by Super Crazy, who takes a swing at tajiri's head, but misses. Holy cow, Tajiri's caught Super Crazy in the "Tarantula"! Where'd THAT come from? But Tajiri can't lock the hold, he's just too tired and hurt. Super Crazy, groggy, just crawls away. Tajiri with an in-seam adjusting front kick, then a German suplex for a cover, but only gets a 2-count. Brainbuster attempt by Tajiri is blocked by Super Crazy, who tries a German suplex of his own, but misses. Tajiri nails a mid-air double boot to the gut, which sends Super Crazy out of the ring. Tajiri's baseball slide sends Super Crazy over the guardrail again. Tajiri pulls the guardrail up close to the ring apron, then hits an Asahi moonsault in the fifth row on Super Crazy. Tajiri lands hard on the concrete floor, though, and is very slow in getting back to the ring. Once there, Tajiri slides another table into the ring and sets it up in the corner on the second rope. Super Crazy hits a missile dropkick to stop that plan in its tracks. Now both men are out of, no, are UNDER the ring. Super Crazy comes up first, with yet another table. Tajiri climbs back into the ring, with the ring wrench in his hand! Karate side-kick topples Super Crazy. Ring wrench to the mouth by Tajiri. But his roundhouse kick misses, Super Crazy sets Tajiri up for a powerbomb, misses, and gets the "Green Mist" full in the face. Super Crazy is blinded, and Tajiri leaps on his shoulders, trying for a hurancanrana. The "Insane Luchadore", though blinded, still has the presence of mind to quickly turn Tajiri's move into his own powerbomb, and drives Tajiri through the table. There's a thre count, and Super crazy wins the Mexican Death match. (12:51 or thereabouts) Tremendous match, with stiff hits given and taken on both sides.

ECW Hardcore Hotline has all the dirt about the turmoil in the WCW. Kids, be sure to get your parents permission and credit card before calling. We mean it this time. Really!

March 12th: ECW's "Living Dangerously" PPV ad.

(more) commercials

ECW Heavyweight Champion Mike Awesome is in the ring, accompanied by Judge Jeff Jones, his faithful stooge and meat microphone stand.

The Champ grabs the microphone from Jones. Let's listen, shall we?

"I'm sure every one of you people saw me kick Spike Dudley's ass last week on the pay-per-view".

(Crowd boos, cat calls) "As a matter of fact, I'm sure you all saw me knock Spike Dudley's girl's teeth right down her throat."

(Crowd boos, cat calls, etc.) "Hey, you people! Shut up! I am the most awesome athlete in sports, uh, today! I am the most awesome wrestler In this business today!

(Crowd: "RVD! RVD! RVD!) "I hold the ECW Heavyweight title, which just so happens to be the only title that matters in wrestling today!"

(Crowd boos, some hissing, etc.) "In fact, that must make me the "Whole F-n Show!"

Well, you just know THIS ain't gonna go unchallenged.

Sure enough, out comes "Mr. PPV" himself, the ECW Television Champion, Rob Van Dam. Oh, and his manager, Bill "Fonzie" Alfonso is also out, with microphone and whistle.

RVD's on the stick: "Listen to what you're saying, big man. You're confusing my fans with that nonsense. You're a big mother-; a great champion, no doubt about it. But, no matter how awesome your ass-kickings are, they're all just part of the show. Whereas I, I am Rob Van Dam, THE Whole F-n Show!"

(Crowd: "RVD! RVD! RVD!") Mike Awesome: "RVD, I look at you and I see a puny, little pussy-assed title around your waist! I AM the ECW Heavyweight Champion of the World, and here's my belt." (Drops title belt on the mat.) "Why don't you try to come and take it away from me, Rob Van Dam?"

(Gertner: "The challenge has been issued!")

(Crowd: "RVD! RVD! RVD!") Rob Van Dam's got the mic again: "Well, Mike Awesome, it's about 4:20. I got some time to burn. Let's do this right f-n NOW!" (Joey Styles: "Challenge accepted, and here we go...")

Suddenly the lights go out! Lots of strobe lights and flashes. When the lights go back up, we see Sabu in the ring, steel chair in hand.

(Crowd: "Three Way Dance! Three Way Dance!") Mike Awesome to the fans, "Hey f-you guys and your Three Way Dance!" Mike turns to RVD and Sabu: " I am gonna take on both you assholes right f-n NOW!"

(Crowd: "Sabu! Sabu! Sabu!") (Styles: "It looks like Rob Van Dam and Sabu are gonna take on Mike Awesome right NOW!") RVD has a strategy session with Sabu. Sabu clocks RVD with the steel chair and we're underway. Awesome picks up RVD and Awesome Bombs him on Sabu's chair. Bill Alfonso is shoved out of the way by Sabu, as Awesome is stomping a mudhole in RVD. Sabu sets the chair up and then hits his triple-jump moonsault on RVD. Awesome continues to stomp on RVD. Sabu hits an "Arabian Facebuster"(?) with steel chair enhancement! Fonzie gets decked by Sabu, then shoved out onto a ringside table (thoughtfully provided by Judge Jeff Jones.) Sabu then planchas Alfonso through the table and onto the concrete floor. Meanwhile, Mike Awesome has been pounding on the battered RVD with the Heavyweight Title belt. Hey, there's Little Spike Dudley to RVD's rescue, and also out for some revenge as well.

(Crowd: "LSD! LSD! LSD!") Spike tries "Fists of Fire" on Awesome's back, but Sabu's there to break it up. Awesome grabs at LSD, and Awesome Bombs him into the far corner of the ring. Judge Jeff Jones slides another table into the ring, which Sabu sets up. (Crowd: "RVD! RVD! RVD!") Rob van Dam is placed on the table, gets a couple of massive fists from Mike Awesome, and a chop across the throat from Sabu for good measure. Now Awesome is atop one turnbuckle, and Sabu's opposite him atop the other turnbuckle, with RVD on the table at "Ground Zero" between them. Sure enough, it's a double table bomb, with Mike Awesome doing a plancha, and Sabu doing a Senton bomb simultaneously, that smashes Rob Van Dam through the table! (2:07 with the overrun)

(Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!")

Joey Styles has the last word: "The ECW World Heavyweight Champ, Mike Awesome, and Sabu, have DESTROYED Rob Van Dam!"

See y'all next week .