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/4 February 2000

ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer




Time for yet another sojourn in the Arena of Extreme. Yes it's "ECW on TNN" and I'm your recapper, E.C. Ostermeyer.

Our show (5 February 2000), comes to you live on tape this week from the Memorial Auditorium in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

This is one HOT crowd we got hollering here, ("ECW! ECW! ECW!"). Also, lots of signs about Elian Gonzales.

Your ring announcers are the ever stylish Joey Styles, resplendent in gray sharkskin suit, $400 Footjoys and "Spin & Marty" haircut, and

The "quintessential stud muffin himself, Joel
"Deport that kid back to Cuba..."
(HUGE pop!)
"In fact, send them all back en masse..."
(Crowd chants "Send them back! Send them back!", etc. The crowd's angst level is stratospheric. Sign in crowd: "Elian: WHO CARES?" Styles and Gertner look concerned.
Styles mouths the word "WOW!" and he AIN'T smiling! This is a mob in the making, folks...)
"For they can take the entire country, and shove it straight up Castro's..."

Cut to the back as we see Don "Cyrus the Virus" Callis rip his headphones off, hollering:
"Cut it! Cut his mic! Oh my God! Did you cut his mic? What am I paying you for? (Throws bottle of DiSani water at the producer. )" Damn!"

Cyrus addresses you viewers at home:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you are as sick as I am of seeing some biscuit-fed porker getting himself over at the expense of the talent!"

Then, to Mr. Gertner: "You know, Joel, I keep telling you over, and OVER, every WEEK!"
"Perhaps you'd like to be seconded to "Rockin' Bowl", and do some 'color commentary' there, huh? There you could do the one-legged chicken dance every time somebody gets a spare!"
"You see, Joel, when I was running my promotion in Canada, we never tolerated stuff like this!"
"You not only have heat with the Office, you not only have heat with the boys, NOW you've got heat with the NETWORK!"
(Holds up access badge that has the letters "TNN" clearly marked on it.)
"And Joel, you do NOT want heat with the network! Why I can have y-...(?)"

And Cyrus is interrupted by Bill Alfonso blowing his whistle, and restraining a furious Rob Van Dam, who is going somewhere with a purpose.
So much of a purpose that he fails to see Raven and... Hey! Is that James freakin' Vandenberg over there?

RVD: "I'm doing this, I'm doing this right NOW!"
Fonzie: "No, this is a BIG money match, baby, we can make loads of cash on this!"
RVD: "It ain't about money, you understand, Fonzie? He wants this, the fans want this...I'm doing it!"
Fonzie: "I'm beggin' ya, man, don't DO this! Hey look, "(points to sign)" No Smoking!"
RVD: "Too late, I'm doing this!" RVD kicks in Mike Awesome's dressing room door, revealing a very surprised and provoked Mike Awesome and his manager, Judge Jeff Jones.

RVD: "Hey, you <bleep>! You know what I'm here for?"
MA: "Well, bring it the <bleep> on, ya..."
And Rob Van Dam leaps on Mike Awesome, shoving him through the refreshment table.
Fonzie tries to break it up, and gets shoved into some chairs by Judge Jeff Jones.
The cameraman is caught up in a wild melee, as ECW Security tries to separate the two
champs, but to no avail.
RVD seems to be getting the better of Mike Awesome.
Hey, that's Little Spike Dudley beating on Judge Jeff Jones.
Holy cow, ACID DROP on a table, and it's night-night time for the Judge!
Fonzie, meanwhile, is doing an unconvincing bit of acting in selling a broken leg to the participants: "My leg! Owww! I broke my leg!"
More camera shots of the melee between Van Dam and Awesome, with the ECW Security guys falling all over themselves in their attempt to separate the two. Finally, one Security guy says, "No cameras! Get that camera out of here!"
The cameraman is hustled bodily back through the dressing room door, which Cyrus promptly slams shut on the carnage within.

Cyrus: "Ladies and gentlemen, the network, TNN, (holds up TNN access card) will not tolerate this sort of violence! Now roll the open!"

Opening graphics and credits.

We open this week's batch of



ECW "Living Dangerously" PPV
ECW "Action figures"
Geico insurance
David Arquette falling off a cliff (HOORAY!)
BattleDome, and their new, improved website, "BattleDome(dot)combat" (Twice the ads! Half the content! Go there NOW!)
Fantasy Cup Auto Racing game.

Back to the action, as Styles and Gertner announce the first match:

Match # 1: Steve Corino and Rhino (with Jack Victory), v. Tommy Dreamer (with Francine), and his partner, "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes!

Styles: "Anything to add?"
Gertner: "Why just so 'Cyrus the Virus' can cut me off again?"
Joey Styles turns away, smirking.

Corino/ Rhino/Victory are already in the ring, and we hear "Alice In Chains" cranking it up.
Out through a cloud of smoke comes Tommy Dreamer and Francine. Both Dreamer and Francine step aside as Dusty Rhodes makes his entrance, and the crowd is going nuts with the "Dusty! Dusty! Dusty!" chant.
Rhodes ascends the top turnbuckle, tosses his hat to the crowd, and just bathes in all the adulation. (Looks like he's having an emotional moment, there.)

(Styles: " 'The American Dream' is set to go, when we come back...")

And we cut to

Raven, morose, huddled in a stairwell, with what looks like the Artist Formerly Known As James Vandenburg kneeling beside him.

AFKAJV:"Raven, confide in me, son. Tell me your troubles. Let it out! It's all bottled up inside there. Let it out!"
Raven: "You know what my problem is? Why does Tommy think he needs Francine to plot his strategy for him and Dusty? I think he just doesn't want Francine to talk to me anym-..."
Paul Heyman (offstage): "Oh, what the <bleep> are you doing?!" (talking to AFKAJV) "Look, get long, get OUT of here! Can't you see this guy is DISTURBED?!"
AFKAJV to viewers at home: "Makes him a perfect disciple, wouldn't you say? (grins evilly)
Paul Heyman: "Look, just get the <bleep> out of here!"
Turns to Raven: "Scotty, what is WRONG with you? This guy isn't even a priest!"
Raven: "Does it matter, Paul E.? At least he's listening to me. Have you ever returned my phone calls? Do my parents listen? Who listens to me? Huh?"
Heyman notices cameraman: "Hey, put it down. Now! Just put it down!"
The cameraman obliges, although the camera keeps rolling, and we hear Paul Heyman say:
"It has got to STOP! This 'I don't sin against anybody but myself!' 'I've been sacrificed for Tommy Dreamer's sins!' 'I've been sacrificed for Francine's sins!' You have GOT to snap OUT of this!"
Raven: "If I snap out of this, Paul E. I'm gonna SNAP! I will sin against myself, nevermore."
Heyman: "You are going down the wrong path, again! You're going down the wrong path. I cannot <bleep>-ing help you if you go down this path!"
Raven: "Did you ever help me before?"

Jeez lou-weeze, how 'bout some


Fantasy Cup Auto Racing
French Stewart with Arm Candy and dollar bill gets into fancy restaurant by dropping
"10-10-220's" name. Shoot, that wouldn't work at Denny's in MY town!
The perils of smoking weed, as it relates to "no-frills" ice hockey.
Hair Club for Men (snicker! hoot! guffaw! chortle!)
TNN's blockbuster show "Roller Jam" tries on some G-rated 'T&A" this week. Now
THAT"S sad!

Finally, we return to the action.

Only to find, darn it, Steve Corino's got the stick, and it looks like he wants to talk.

"Tommy, we've been through this many times. No one wants to see me destroy you again!" (Crowd hoots and laughs at Corino's 'bon mot')
"And since last week, when my partner Rhino single-handedly destroyed you..."(Rhino flexes, crowd boos.)"...I want you to turn around and tag in that fat, old, decrepit piece of garbage, because tonight is MY NIGHT!"

("Dusty! Dusty! Dusty!" chant starts up again.)
(Joey Styles: "Tommy Dreamer is just dying to drive his fist into Steve Corino's face!")

Corino: "Look, Dreamer, I'll make it real simple for you. You tag in the fat, disgusting man that started hardcore wrestling here in Florida, or I'll sic Rhino on you so bad that you'll never make another another TV appearance"
Mr. Rhodes is looking at Dreamer as if to say, "What's the hold up here? Tag me!"
Dreamer turns his back on Corino, gets hold of his emotions, and tags in The American
Dream, to a HUGE pop from the crowd.
(Styles: "And school's in session, Mr. Corino. 'OLD' school, that is...!")

Dusty is feeling magnanimous tonight, so he will let Steve Corino have the first punch.
(Crowd: "Punk him out, Dusty, Punk him out! <clap,clap> Punk him out, Dusty, Punk him out! <clap,clap>"! At least that's what it sounds like, although I can't be sure...)

Corino rares back to punch Dusty in the kisser, but decides to go for the side headlock, instead, and we're underway.
Mr. Rhodes ain't havin' that, though, and shoots Corino across the ring, setting up for a Bionic Elbow. Corino sees it coming, wisely hits the brakes and tags in Rhino instead.
Dreamer moves quickly to cut off Rhino from Dusty, but Dusty sends Dreamer back outside with an "I'll handle this, thank you" look.

(Styles: "And now it's the Big Bull of the Woods against the Ring Rhino!")

Rhodes butts chests with Rhino, then rakes the eyes of the Rookie Monster. Double leg takedown, and Dusty's setting up Rhino for the Figure Four Leglock. He's got it locked!
Jack Victory's in the ring to break it up, but Tommy Dreamer levels him, ands locks a Figure Four on for good measure.
Corino is lurking in the corner, ready to blindside Rhodes. But it's FRANCINE in the ring, leg sweeps Corino, and locks HIM in a Figure Four! Holy cow! Figure Fours all around!

(Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!")
(Gertner: "Just look at Francine! Boy, I could tell you what I'd use THAT figure for!")

Jack Victory makes it to the ropes, and Tommy Dreamer has to break the hold.
(Styles: "And remember, Jack Victory is just recovering from a leg injury at the hands of Tommy Dreamer!")

Rhino rolls and breaks the hold by leg power, then crawls from the ring.
Francine, seeing Dreamer and Rhodes on their feet, releases Corino, who slithers away.

Dreamer, Rhodes and Francine rule the ring, and Corino, Rhino, and Victory have had enough and are heading to the back. Dusty still wants to play, so he, Francine, and Tommy "join the party" outside the ring.

Dusty bounces Corino off the steel steps, Dreamer does the same to Rhino. Rhodes hurls Corino into the chain-link fence on the TNN set. Corino's busted open, as Dusty continues to pound away on him.
Meanwhile, Rhino meets the ring-post, then the steel guard-rail, courtesy of Tommy Dreamer.

Rhino reverses another whip into the guard-rail by Dreamer, throwing him against a chair and the railing. Tommy's in some kind of pain. Rhino with a chair shot on Tommy.
Dreamer and Corino are thrown back in the ring, but Tommy nails Rhino right on the bazoo, appropriately, then whips him into the guard-rail again.

Now Dusty's got Corino by the hair, and hitting him with measured shots to the head. A massive right cross to Corino's bloody noggin, and Steve's down for the count. Dusty's "shaking the bees" out of his right hand.
Dusty with a bodyslam on Corino, followed by a Big Right Hand. Corino's "doin' the chicken' on the mat, while Dusty indulges in some of his signature "shuckin' and jivin' " moves. The crowd's just loving it!
Dusty tags Tommy Dreamer, and they double-team a whip to the ropes on Corino, followed by a double Bionic Elbow to the face. Steve Corino's on the mat again.
Dreamer picks up Corino and throws him out of the ring, then follows to finish him off.

Rhino intercepts Dreamer and crotches him on the steel guard-rail. Dreamer rolled back into the ring by Rhino, who hits a massive body slam on him. Dreamer tries to escape by zip-lining to the corner, and a tag, but oops! It's the wrong corner, and Rhino scoop-slams him from the ropes to the mat.
Right cross staggers Dreamer, who then gets whipped into the corner. Big spear from Rhino on Tommy Dreamer! Rhino choking Dreamer on the top ropes, and being egged on by a bloody Steve Corino. Rhino gives the ring rope a mighty pull, tossing Dreamer into the center of the ring.
Rhino attempts to tag Corino in, but Corino wants no part of Tommy Dreamer, and motions Rhino to continue. Rhino stares at Corino for a moment, then turns.

Tommy eats a bodyslam from Rhino, who then goes to the top turnbuckle, and hits a HUGE frog splash and a cover, but only gets a two-count from referee James Mollinaux.
Suplex by Rhino, lateral press, cover, but again, only a two-count.

Rhino goes for yet another frog splash, but Dreamer crotches him on the turnbuckle.
Dreamer up top now, BIG SUPERPLEX on Rhino, but Tommy's too battered to cover.
Rhino and Dreamer now slowly crawl toward their respective corners looking for the tag.
Crowd is going wild. Corino wants a piece of Tommy Dreamer now, and is hollering at Rhino to make the tag.
Rhino tags Steve Corino in first, but Dreamer tags Dusty Rhodes at the last second.

Suddenly, Corino's got way more than he can handle now!
Dusty with Fists of Fire, double wind-up, and double punch floors Corino.

Rhino staggering to his feet, but Dreamer's there to take him out. All four men in the ring now, Dreamer over Corino in one corner, Dusty over Rhino in the other, and it's time for a double Ten-Count Punch-down, with the fans calling the hits.
Double whip to a mid-ring collision, but Corino reverses his, and Rhino gores Tommy.
Steve Corino goes for Dusty, who floors him with one punch.
Dusty with a bodyslam on Rhino, but the Bionic Elbow finisher misses, and Rhino clotheslines Dusty Rhodes.

Rhino and Corino set up Rhodes for a super piledriver, but Tommy Dreamer wallops Rhino with a chair shot, then another, and ANOTHER, before Rhino finally goes down.
Dusty's catches Corino on the top turnbuckle, and grabs a handful of collar and crotch.
Missile launcher coming up!
Dreamer DDT's Rhino onto the steel chair.
Corino gets the frequent flyer miles, and crash lands in the center of the ring. The "American Dream" winds up and nails Corino to the mat with a BIG Bionic Elbow Drop. Cover, 1,2,3, and that's all folks! (8:58)


BattleDome, the most intense competition ever. Real action! Real pain!
(Hey, BattleDome people, ever seen "Beyond the Mat?")
NewsRadio. 50,000 Watts of pure comedy.
(You notice how fast this show got cancelled when Lovitz replaced Hartman? What's up with that?)
104 Plus Gas Additive. Now in two flavors! Ass-kicking Black or Burn-yer-butt Red!
The David Arquette Ski School and Long Distance Dialing Service.
"Dukes of Hazzard" video game, version One.
"Dukes of Hazzard" video game, version Two.
TNN's ECW promo. And they're up-to-date for once!
(Wow, Sandman clobbers Rhino twice across the head with the Singapore cane and Rhino still won't go down! "Be careful what you wish for, indeed!")

Live on tape, we see the beautiful Dawn Marie cavorting in a hot tub with the rest of the Impact Players.
Dawn Marie: "Live! We're on live!"
Lance Storm: "In the tradition of fighting champions from Calgary, we want to defend theses belts. Problem is, we also don't want to demean them by fighting against inferior
DM: "Yeah! Inferiors!"
LS: "We must ask the best team to step up!"
DM: "Yeah, step up!"
Justin Credible: "So go ahead and fight amongst yourselves. Kill each other, for all we care!"
DM: "Yep!"
JC: "'Cause when the right team steps up, trust me, we'll let you know!"
LS: "Hey, time for the manager to get naked!" (indicating Dawn Marie)
DM: "Oh, I'm gonna be a star, I'm gonna get naked on TNN! You ready?" (moves to undo her top.) "Hey, I can't get it undone..."
Just as "World's Sexiest Man, Jason jumps into the hot tub.
Jason: "I LOVE NAKED!" and with a flourish, tosses his towel away.
DM: "Jasonnn? This water's really HOT!"
Jason: "Yeah, and it's deep, too!" (grins at the camera, as Dawn Marie looks like she's just gotten the shock of her life!)
DM: "Oh, Jason...!"

Well, that was a waste of time, wasn't it? How's about some more


Joe Theisman and his mom take some herb and root concoction called "Inholtra".
"Dukes of Hazzard" video game, version Three.
"Dukes of Hazzard" video game, version Four. Hey, I like this one. A Ford station wagon painted up like the "General Lee". What a hoot!
French Stewart flogging 10-10-220 again. The Arm Candy looks familiar. (Hmmm, "Jerry Springer"? Last week? The "I Have a Secret, Lover" show? Where most of the "She's" were really "He's"? Ooog!)

Danny Doring, Roadkill, and the bounteous Miss Elektra muse on the benefits of becoming the ECW World Tag Team Champs.
There's the money... (Roadkill and Elektra like the money.)
There's the fame... (Roadkill and Elektra like the fame.)
Then there's the girls...
Whoops, Elektra's got issues with THAT!

"Daniel Christopher Doring!" (Wow! Elektra's got a "dese-dem-dose" accent to go with that body! Weird!)
"If you...? If? WHEN you win the ECW World Tag Team belts, you better not EVER forget where you came from, or else I'll...?" (Suddenly Elektra notices Mr. Cameraman.)

"...Hey, Mr. Cameraman, what's this shot?"

Cameraman: "Uhh, three-quarter. Why?"

Elektra: "Move up a little bit. A little more, a little bit more, ummm, perfect!"

Roadkill looks perplexed.

Doring looks worried. As well he should.

WHAMMO! Elektra applies the Testicular Claw on Dastardly Danny.

Doring is now VERY vocal:
(Falsetto voice) "No! Let it go! Let it go!"

Elektra: (applying additional, ummm, "emphasis", just off-camera) "You EVER forget where you came from, and I'll SNAP IT RIGHT OFF!"
She releases Doring, (Yeowtch! Boy, I felt THAT one over HERE!) and wheels back to face the camera.

"And you, Miss Dawn Marie," ( Elektra removes her wrap, revealing a bikini undergoing severe stress testing right about now.)
"You think you're half the woman compared to THIS?"

Roadkill stands by, looking puzzled, but pleased.

"Is that what you think? Well let me tell YOU something, girlfriend, the next time I see you, I'm gonna KICK YOUR ASS!"

(Behind Elektra, Danny Doring is still writhing in agony on the floor.)

Elektra then does some VERY fetching pectoral muscle flexes, a la Lex Luger.
However, because of the size of her "assets", it looks more like a demonstration of how plate tectonics works.

Roadkill is mesmerized by Elektra's "assets", and moves in for a closer look.
He does a great double-take, then says:


Gertner:" Boy, Elektra's got Danny by his "Dan-aconda!"
Styles: "You're telling me!"
Gertner: "Yes, volatile marriages NEVER work out! Dick Burton and Liz Taylor, Sean Penn and Madonna, ECW and TNN..!"
(Styles can't believe Gertner's on another tirade against the company.)
Gertner: "There's nothing worse than an overbearing, unappreciative spouse!"

Same old, same old.

Mikey Whipwreck is talking to himself in the mirror:
"I am not a baby! I am NOT A BABY! And now all the mommies are gonna be happy because their babies wanna grow up just like me. Because I was talented enough to beat two Cold Scorpio for the ECW Television Title. I was tough enough to carry Cactus Jack to the World Tag Title (Bangbang!), and I was extreme enough to take the World Heavyweight Championship from the Sandman."
And after tonight, Rob Van Dam, all my friends back in the locker room will raise glasses of hot cocoa to me, the winner, ECW Television Champion Mikey Whipwreck!"

"Bang!" (shoots camera with finger)
Mikey smiles at his finger, then points finger-gun to his own head and whispers:


Disturbing, no?


"ECW Extreme Warfare, Volume One". Buy it! Enjoy it!

Match #2: Rob Van Dam (with Bill Alfonso) v. Mikey Whipwreck for the ECW World TV title.

Whipwreck's already in the ring as RVD makes his way down the ramp, then decides to work the crowd. The crowd is very appreciative of the attention, ("RVD! RVD! RVD!"), and Mr. Van Dam seems to be enjoying all the adulation.
Mr. Whipwreck does not enjoy the adulation being shown to Mr. Van Dam, and does a baseball slide that spears RVD in the back and rams him into the steel guard-rail.
Mikey with a Pescado over the top rope. Whip by RVD is blocked and countered by
Mikey with a side Russian leg-sweep into the steel guard-rail,
(Styles: "That's gotta hurt!")
followed by a whip into the ring-post on RVD, and then Whipwreck slingshots off the same ring-post and shoulder blocks RVD to the floor.
Mikey rolls RVD back into the ring, big elbow drop, cover, one count, and RVD gets a shoulder up.
RVD slow in getting up. Mikey Whipwreck to the top turnbuckle, HUGE hooking clothesline on RVD, and a cover, 1,2, no!
An attempt at another clothesline is blocked by Rob Van Dam. Big Boot by Whipwreck is first blocked, then countered with a spinning heel kick by Van Dam.
A kick to the stomach collapses Whipwreck in the corner, inverted Atomic Drop, and a back flip allows RVD to take the steel chair Bill Alfonso has ready for him.
Rob Van Dam surfboards the chair into Mikey Whipwreck's head, and sends him rolling out of the ring.
(Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!")

RVD works the crowd again, then goes outside the ring to collect Mikey Whipwreck. There's an RVD side kick, a STIFF front kick to Mikey's jaw, then a whip into the steel guard-rail! Finally, a standing side-kick drives Whipwreck over the guard-rail and into the crowd.
After rolling back into the ring to save the ten-count, RVD moves in on the attack. As Whipwreck groggily tries to climb back over the guard-rail, he gets a Fonzie-held chair driven into his back by a corkscrew guillotine leg drop from Rob Van Dam!

(Joey Styles: "And THAT's why Rob Van Dam is the 'Whole F-n Show'")

Mikey's real slow in getting to the ring, and gets a short leg drop from RVD as he climbs through the ropes.
Van Dam does a cartwheel and backflip onto Whipwreck for a cover and a two count.
He follows this with a somersault, monkey flip, and then a back body drop for another cover but gets yet another two count.
RVD plays to the crowd again, then helps Mikey Whipwreck to his feet, and positions him in the corner. Two standing side-kicks to soften up his opponent, and RVD's ready to whip Mikey across the ring into the opposite corner.
Van Dam with the steel chair, handsprings off it, but misses Whipwreck in the corner.
Mikey counters with a desperation waistlock and a German suplex for the takedown, cover, 1...2... and a!
(Styles: "That was CLOSE! That was as close as you can get without it being a three count!")
Whipwreck drags a groggy RVD to his feet, and gets elbowed in the jaw. Van Dam tries another kick, but Mikey ducks it, and counters with a go-behind and a setup for a piledriver. RVD counters by picking up Mikey, who counters with a doublehook on the elbows, Pedigree on the steel chair, Mikey with the lateral press, 1...2..No!
(Crowd: "RVD! RVD! RVD!")
(Styles: "The Pedigree was not good enough to put away Rob Van Dam!")
(Gertner: "No matter WHO applies it!")

Mikey Whipwreck sets up for his"Whippersnapper" finisher, but RVD blocks it and, in short order, hits the Van-Daminator followed by the Five Star Frog Splash for the win. (8:03)

Gertner: "The ECW World heavyweight Champ, Mike Awesome is standing by in the parking lot..."
Cut to Awesome sanding in front of an ambulance.

He appears to be somewhat distressed.

He's got a microphone!
Save yoursel....

Awesome: "Little Spike Dudley! Rob Van Dam! They're loading my manager up in that ambulance right now!
You two better get down on your knees and pray to God RIGHT NOW that he's okay!
Because if he isn't, I'm gonna kick both your asses!
No wait!
If he's not, then I'm gonna break both of your <bleep>-in' backs and end your careers!
THAT'S what I'm gonna do!"

Joel Gertner: "Can you imagine what it's gonna be like when the Heavyweight Champ, mike Awesome meets up with Rob Van Dam? It's gonna be an AWESOME F-n show!"
Joey Styles: "Rob Van Dam versus Mike Awesome will make history! Rob Van Dam is
on a mission...!"

But as we all know, it's not to be, because...

There's a "Late Breaking News from ECW" graphic on screen as it is announced that Rob Van Dam "broke his leg" the night after this taping in a match in Orlando, Florida.
"Further details and full discussion of the ramifications will be made on next week's "ECW On TNN!"

Wowzee! What a cliffhanger!

See you all next week

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission