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/wrestling /ECW on TNN /11 February 2000 |
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/wrestling /ECW on TNN /11 February 2000 |
ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer |
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MainBLAH |
Time to take another stroll through the Arena of Extreme. Yes, it's "ECW on TNN" for Friday, 11 February 2000, and I'm your recapper, E. C. Ostermeyer. We journey to the land where the "Tomahawk Chop" began. No, not Atlanta! Beautiful, friendly Tallahassee, Florida, capitol city of that great state, and home to the undefeated, unbelievable, unstoppable NCAA National Champions, the Florida State Seminoles! We're coming to you live on tape from the Leon County Civic Center, where every other one of those attending is an FSU student, and all in attendance are threatening to knock the planet off it's axis with their precise synchronized, tomahawk chop gesture, and that "Whoooooaaaaa,oooo,oooaaahh" chant. Tango and Cash are back in the ring tonight! Tango (aka Joey Styles) is resplendent in his grey Armani suit, "Go Fasta Red" tie and hanky, $350 Johnson & Murphy's, and Duke Nukem hairdo with Shinola highlights. Cash (aka "The Quintessential Stud-Muffin", Joel Gertner.) apparently suffers from fashion shock this week. Joel has decided to wear what appears to be a First Form school uniform looted from Rugby School, complete with shorts, no shirt, and purple ascot/neck brace. (Are those Timberland boots he's wearing? With black ankle socks? Ooog!) After Mr. Styles tells us 1) what the show is called, and 2) what arena they are taping from it is time for ECW's Poet Laureate, Mr. Gertner to regale us with his latest offering, to wit: "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus (Joey Styles sees that Mr. Gertner is about to make an unscheduled "sudden career change", and is frantically trying to stop Joel from finishing his ditty! Alas...) "But when they travel to Earth They like to ride my....." "Cut! Cut! Cut!" Don "Cyrus the Virus" Callis is in the ring, and he's brought some muscle along, in the form of the two Dupps. He's wearing a headset, and carrying a microphone. (Let's listen, shall we?) "Excuse ME, Joel Gertner! Excuse the interruption, ladies and gentlemen, but, unfortunately, "The Network" is not very happy!" (holds up Access Badge for all to see. Yep, it still has "TNN" printed on it. The crowd is displeased with Cyrus' appearance. Ergo...) (Crowd: "ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!" Cyrus looks perturbed, but continues) "Joel Gertner, I'm real sorry to interrupt that scintillating promo, but we've got more important business at the network than to see you get yourself over at the expense of the talent!" (Boos, cat-calls, etc. from the crowd. Gertner looks worried. Styles, pensive.) "Now, everybody knows that the Television Champion, Rob Van Dam, broke his leg. And nobody feels any worse about it than I do. Unfortunately, we at "The Network" are not concerned about Rob Van Dam's broken leg." (Jeez, listen to that heel heat Cyrus is getting from the crowd! Styles is looking worried, as is Gertner. Dupps are just standing around, occupying space.) "We at "The Network" are concerned with advertising revenue. We at "The Network" are concerned with live gate attendance. And we at "The Network" are..." (Really loud "ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!" chant from crowd. Cyrus, grinning nastily, waits for the hollering to subside, all the while talking on the headset to, presumably, "The Network". Styles is smirking again.) "We at "The Network" are, of course, concerned with r-r-r-ratings! Never mind that the "athletes" on "R-r-r-Rockin' Bowl" would NEVER miss a booking!" (Boos and hisses from the crowd). "The bottom line is, the Television Title must, by definition, be defended ON TELEVISION. On TNN. ("ASSHOLE!" chant starts back up again.) "Because, most importantly, we know that this show is just a lead-in for "R-r-r-r-Roller Jam!" "So, notwithstanding Rob Van Dam's leg injury, we WILL see the ECW Television Title defended tonight, on TNN, because, ladies and gentlemen, to coin a phrase, 'R-r-r-Roller Jam MUST go ON!' " (Now Joey Styles is really perplexed, asking Cyrus "HOW?") "So, I have made an executive decision! "How about Rob Van Dam's 'little buddy" (Cyrus indicates just HOW little) Spike Dudley step up to the plate, grasp that brass rail (Wha..?) that I've given him, and defend the World Television Title tonight against... let me see now..." (Cyrus looks around the ring, and spies the Dupps conveniently to hand) "the Dupps!" Joey Styles begs to differ, but Cyrus cuts him off by shoving that Access Badge in Styles' face. "I can do whatever I wanna do, because I AM TNN! I am NETWORK!" The Dupps, ecstatic, are thanking Cyrus for this opportunity, when we hear AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" cranking up in the background. And out comes Little Spike Dudley. Looks like he found an old pair of Bubba Ray's glasses, tape and all. Spike, working the crowd at ringside, spots about five FSU jocks in the front row and, really laughing, goes over to slap high fives with them. Now the jocks are laughing and hugging the stuffing out of Little Spike Dudley. Spike breaks away, but spots another guy with a phlegm-yellow sign written in crayon: "Spike Dudley's Acid Drop. One drop is ALL YOU NEED!" Spike likes the sign and immortalizes said fan on national TV. Working the crowd some more, Spike climbs on the shoulder of a BIG ECW 'Black Suit' security guy, and waves to the crowd some more. The Dupps are less than thrilled by Spike's repartee with the crowd, and are lunging back and forth like lcaged lions. Suddenly, LSD remembers why he's out there in the first place. Zip! On goes his game face, and Zoom! into the ring he goes, and we're underway. Spike ducks one Dupp's clothesline, kicks the other Dupp in the "in-seam", locks on a double headlock, up to the top turnbuckle, DOUBLE ACID DROP! Spike is stacking Dupps like cordwood, then sits on the pile for the three count. Ladies and gentlemen, Little Spike Dudley is the new ECW World Television Title, uhhh, "Defender". (0:15) We start our first batch of Commercials With ECW "Living Dangerously" promo ECW Extreme Action figures ad BattleDome promo. "Real competition! Real combat! Real pain!" (Real yawn!) Terry Bradshaw shops for his pooch, and stops store clerks to shill for 10-10-220's long distance service. (Long way from the Pittsburgh Steelers, ain't it, Terry?) Acclaim's "ECW Hardcore Revolution" video game, premiering 17 February. (Yeowtch, Rob Van Dam took a stiff shot to the armpit on that steel guardrail in that promo. Hey BattleDome! I got your "Real Pain" right here!) "Real F'n Fans! Real F'n Hard! Real F'n Wrestling!" Singer Mary J. Blige stopped using drugs and accepted her big feet. Awwww... Geico "We all do dumb things" insurance. Times two. We see Raven in earnest conversation with Mikey Whipwreck. Raven: "You and Tommy are good friends. You go back a long way." Mikey: "Yah, a little bit." (looks puzzled.) "I need you to talk to him." "TALK to him? I'm FIGHTING him tonight, Raven!" Raven is oblivious to that bit of news. "You need to make it perfectly clear to Tommy that the Francine thing is nothing to ruin our friendship over. " (Mikey looks very confused, not sure where this is going.) Raven continues: " I mean after all we been through, all the years, all the history...this... this is like an intervention. You are gonna get Tommy to understand, whether you talk to him, or whether you beat it into his head, that him and I are best friends, and that the Francine thing is not an issue. "Are you with me, do you understand?" Mikey: "I'm here, I'm with you "(does the two-finger eye focusing thing)" I feel your pain!" "And I feel your pain, too, Mikey." Raven stands up, arms outstretched, and whispers "Quoth the Raven, nevermore!" A very dramatic piece of acting, which is unfortunately marred by Raven running into Mr. Cameraman ("ka-thump!) as he moves out of shot. Mikey Whipwreck is still sitting there. His look of puzzlement gradually turns to one of understanding. "I think someone spiked his chocolate milk this morning, because that is one WEIRD dude." Mr. Cameraman pulls the shot back and we see that there has been a third party privy to the Raven/Mikey conversation, the former James Vandenberg, who is apparently trying to impersonate the image, if not the acting talents of Jack Nicholson. "I told you, Mikey, Raven would make the perfect disciple. Ah hahahahahahaaaa...<cough><cough> <hack><snorf>..." Whipwreck gets tickled at ex-Vandy's stupid attempt at "stage laughter", and tries some of his own. Mikey pounds on the table suffused with great mirth, runs out the back door into the night, and we fade into some more Commercials David Arquette calls new wifey Courtney about why he won't be on "Rockin' Bowl" this week, if ever. Pep Boys. Cars like us! People love us! Just not in THAT way, okay? Why you should make Texas your next vacation destination: Yep, pardner, there's nothing like having to contest ownership of your car with an ornery rattlesnake, or staying at a Holiday Inn and finding a scorpion in the bathroom sink drain. "Texas! It's like a whole other country!" (More than you can possibly imagine!) "Rockin' Bowl! Two teams of college coeds, ten pins, and plenty of big Shiny BALLS!" (Says it all, don't you think?) TNN "ECW on TNN" promo: footage from that fantastic Tajiri/Super Crazy match from a while back. Back to the action, and it's time for some eye candy! Francine precedes Tommy Dreamer to the ring, and we hear Alice in Chains pounding out "Man in the Box". Gertner: "You see that strip that's missing from Francine's outfit?" Styles: "Yeah?" Gertner: "I know where is! You know who else knows where it is?" Styles (exasperated): "Go ahead!" Gertner: "Raven!" Styles: "You know, for weeks now you've been trying to convince everyone that Francine's got something going with Raven on the side, behind Dreamer's back!" (Whaa..?) "You have nothing toi substantiate those rumors!" Gertner: "Have soup in pot, will stir!" Styles: "Yeah, well, let's go to New Jack and Balls Mahoney in the back." Which we do, after Mr. Cameraman takes a long, loving look at Francine's best "asset"! Cut to "the back", where New Jack and Balls Mahoney are apparently standing under a sodium vapor lamp, because the whole scene is in an eerie "WWF Kane-Intro red". (Recapper's note: For those of you who have not made Mr. Jack's native "Ebonics" your second language, I will translate.) "Baldies, understand this! The tricks you've mastered, we have forgotten! "The place you are attempting to get to, we have already achieved! (Meanwhile, Mr. Mahoney is showing WAY too much armpit hair!) "And now you wish to interfere with myself and Mr. Mahoney? "Well, we will attempt to show you which side of the street we are going to play on... and it is NOT the side with the pretty fence, and the dog in the yard! "Rather, our battlefield will be this side of <zaap> da street, wit dem raggedy houses , an da pushers an da muggers an eve'y body runnin' in da street!... " (Oops, sorry, translator blew a fuse from overwork. There now, fixed!) "That is where we are from, gentlemen!" "We are getting ready to do something to you that the human mind cannot imagine! And please do not give yourself credit for breaking my foot! I broke my foot in my attempt to destroy you utterly!" (Mr. Mahoney has been making faces at the camera while Mr. Jack has been holding forth, and looks like Captain Kangaroo doing wino impressions!) "Now, <zaap><crackle> you want US? You keep dis in mind! We gonna turn da tempa-chure up. We gonna turn IT UP! An' remembuh, when yoo plays wit' fire, yo ass gitz BURNED!" (Sorry, looks like the translator overloaded, and shorted itself out.) Match # 2: Tommy Dreamer v. Mikey Whipwreck FINALLY, twenty six minutes into the show, we get the first REAL match, (not counting that Spike Dudley appetizer a while back!) We are treated to a fine series of rapid fire collar-and-elbow, hammer lock/reversal, head lock/reversal combinations that has the crowd cheering lustily in appreciation. Whipwreck with a double leg take down, followed by a "Buffalo Crab"(?) submission hold, but Tommy Dreamer escapes. Uh oh, here comes that 'Vandenberg" guy to the ring. Dreamer asks Mikey if he knows this guy? Whipwreck shrugs his shoulders. Tommy goes to the ring apron to confer with "Vandenberg", but gets blindsided by a Whipwreck shoulder block that drops him over the bottom rope. Mikey follows it up with a vicious-looking guillotine leg drop across Dreamer's neck to the outside of the ring. "Vandenberg" is hollering at Mikey, "You're NOT a baby! Take him OUT!" Both men outside the ring. Mikey hurls a groggy Tommy Dreamer into the steel guardrail. He's got he ring microphone: "Just because I am 39 years old and still live with my mother does NOT make me a baby!" POW! A shot to Dreamer's head with the mic. "I am NOT a BABY!" POW! Another shot to Dreamer's noggin. "I'M NOT A BABY!!" WHOOMPH! A mic shot to Tommy's gut that time. Mikey tosses the mic on the table, then punches Tommy in the head. Mikey's attempt to whip Dreamer into the steel guardrail gets reversed, and Mikey goes over the guardrail. Now Tommy Dreamer's on the mic: "You're right, Mikey, you are not a baby, you're (a really gross and offensive expletive is deleted for your safety!)", and Ka-POW! Dreamer nails Whipwreck with the microphone, and goes after him into the crowd, followed by Mr. Cameraman. Dreamer is apparently dragging Whipwreck up the concrete steps into the balcony of the arena. About halfway up, Tommy pauses for some refreshment. In this case, it's a beer cup to Mikey's head. Further exemplary work by Mr. Cameraman, as Dreamer stops to hug a surprised (but ecstatic) FSU coed, while clouting Mikey about the ears. The coed gets in a wallop of her own on Mikey's noodle as Tommy Dreamer drags him back down the steps. (Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!") Joey Styles: "Dreamer's still not heading for the ring!" Whip by Dreamer on Mikey gets reversed, and it's Tommy that collides with the retracted steel bleachers. Whipwreck's standing on Tommy's throat is broken up by the ref. Styles: "What DID that guy ("Vandenberg") say to Mikey Whipreck?" Gertner: "he said 'O il contee, el esistanciaaaa, da el can sandioooo!" Styles: "What the HELL was THAT??!!" Gertner (imitating Luna Vachon's voice): "I don't knooowww! Ask Mikey!" While Tango and Cash are indulging their penchant for silly repartee, we return to the action. We find that both Tommy Dreamer and Mikey Whipwreck are trading blows on top of the steel bleachers, a narrow ledge about twelve feet off the concrete floor. Headshot by Mikey staggers Dreamer, but Tommy catches hold of the balcony guardrail to keep from falling, and fires back a couple of Big Right Hands on Whipwreck. Tommy reaches into the crowd for another full "beverage" cup. After a grateful swig, he wallops Mikey in the face with the remainders, and Mikey falls to the concrete floor below. (Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!") Dreamer jumps down, and now he's dragging Mikey back to the ring. At the steel guardrail, Dreamer again accepts a beverage from the crowd, this time a bottle of DaSani water. Mikey's forehead is the target this time, and the blow knocks him to the floor. Tommy drinks what's left, and tosses the empty into the crowd. Dreamer rolls Mikey back into the ring, then gets a steel chair. Whipwreck is begging Tommy not to hit him with the chair, then tries a kick than gets caught. Dreamer swings the chair, but misses Mikey; another swing, and Mikey ducks that one, too. Dreamer drops the chair and throws a roundhouse punch that Whipwreck easily reverses. A side Russian leg sweep onto the steel chair, and now Dreamer's the one that's hurt. Mikey places the chair on Dreamer's head, BIG Leg Drop! (Crowd: "Let's go Tommy! <clap><clap><clapclapclap>", etc.) Tommy hits a swinging neck breaker on Whipwreck. Dreamer to the top turnbuckle, but get's crotched when Mikey pounds on the ropes. Mikey's "Whippersnapper" finisher misses when Dreamer ducks away. Tommy tries an elbow drop; that misses! Mikey tries a moonsault; THAT misses! Whipwreck to the top rope again, but Tommy catches him; DREAMER DRIVER! Cover, 1...2... But "Vandenberg" pulls Dreamer off Whipwreck, and drags him outside the ring. "Vandenberg" rakes Dreamer's eyes, then rolls him back into the ring. WOW! Francine throws "Vandenberg" into the ring as well! Gertner (Shocked!): "Putting her hands on a man of the cloth like that! How sinful! How beautifully sinful! How mouth-wateringly, delightfully, beautifully, sinful! How..." Styles: "DOWN boy!" "Vandenberg" tries to make peace with Francine by extending the Right Hand of Fellowship. Francine responds by kicking him in the crotch, then does a little bronco-busting on "Vandenberg"! Gertner: "Wow, listen to him pray! 'Omygod! OmyGod! OMYGOD!!! '" Whipwreck grabs at Francine, but Tommy's there to break that up. Mule kick from Mikey "adjusts" Dreamer's "in-seam", cover, 1..2..NO! Raven has come to the rescue! And gets a faceful of powder Mikey had intended for Tommy Dreamer. Blinded, Raven is flailing around the ring, and Francine goes to help him. EVENFLO ON FRANCINE! A blinded Raven hits the Evenflo on Francine Styles: "Oh My GOD! Tommy Dreamer saw it right in front of his eyes!" Tommy, enraged by what he sees as Raven's treachery, starts pounding away on Raven, but gets rolled into a schoolboy press by Mikey, and just escapes with a two-count. Dreamer with two stiff clotheslines, SPICOLLI DRIVER!, no, Whipwreck ducks out of it. Dreamer wants more of Raven. Tommy with "punches in bunches" on his (former) partner. Mikey Whipwreck tries a cradle DDT, but Dreamer reverses and hits a (really ugly!) DDT of his own. Cover, 1...2...3! Dreamer wins! (9:27) Styles: "Tommy Dreamer gets the win, but the Dreamer/Raven war is on!" Time for more Commercials 10-10-220 again, and YES! Terry Bradshaw's been into the catnip! How cruel kids can be towards those who have acne! Boo-hoo-hoo, get over it already! TNN's "Action Wednesday" lineup: Dead Man's Gun, Eighteen Wheels of Justice, The Magnificent Seven. (no, NOT the Yul Bynner one!) TNN "Action Wednesday" promo: "A gun touched by evil, passed from hand to hand, and the lives it touches! Dead Man's Gun!" (Hmmm, "touched by evil... passed from hand to hand..."? Sounds like one of my old girlfriends! Sound like one of yours?) We're back just in time to see Tommy Dreamer charging around the backstage area looking for Francine. His frantic query gets a less-than-respectful response, and Tommy responds by beating some heads in, until Little Spike Dudley and the ECW Security pull him off. "She's at the hospital. She's about three blocks from here. They took her five minutes ago," says Spike and the others. "Sorry, sorry man, sorry, thanks Spike, sorry", says Tommy as he leaves. A skinny guy says, "Hey, you DO know that he was blinded?" Tommy: "Whaa..?" Skinny guy: "Yeah, Raven had powder thrown in his face. He was blinded. Jeez, I thought y-..!" Dreamer grabs the kid by the shirt, throws him into the steel gate, then pounds him into a heap. "Next time", roars Tommy, "SPEAK WHEN SPOKE TO!" Then he storms out the back door. Coming up, Raven versus Justin Credible. Don't go away! Commercials. Again. BattleDome! Real Warriors! Real Pain! REEALL... oh, skip it! NewsRadio asks the important question, "What does Lisa look like naked? (Inquiring minds want to know!) David Arquette falls off a cliff (HOORAY!) Take #2. Geico insurance. Take #2. Hair Club for Men. They make 'hair' in spray cans, now? PBR Bullriding. Hey, BattleDome! I got your "real warriors" and "real pain" right here! Local cable company promo. Judge Judy promo. Judge Joe Brown promo. Where's Judge Roy Bean? Judge Crater? Judge Dredd??!! Now THERE's some Justice! We're back with Match # 3: Raven v. Justin Credible But first, we are treated to footage from the "Guilty as Charged" PPV. Wherein the Impact Players "won" the ECW World Tag titles from Raven and Tommy Dreamer, and how Dreamer took the lumps meant for Francine. More ECW promos. ECWwrestling.com has the Steve Corino interview, plus updated info on Rob Van Dam's condition. ECW house show and tapings schedule. Back to the action as Raven is all over Justin Credible with punches in bunches, then hurls JC over the top rope to the floor. Another Raven whip and JC hits the steel guardrail. Styles and Gertner engage in pointless speculation about what must be going on in Raven's mind as Raven puts Justin Credible on the timer's table, then hits a senton that drives JC through the table and onto the floor! (Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!") Raven then tosses JC through the remains of the table, then grabs the broken table leg and begins choking JC with it. Justin Credible's just hanging on the ropes like a rag doll, as Raven drags another table into the ring and sets it up in the corner. Raven whips JC into the table, but gets reversed, and it's Raven that eats the table instead. JC bounces Raven's head off the turnbuckle, then stomps him in the corner. Both men to the outside, where Justin Credible drops Raven face first into the guardrail. Superkick to Raven's jaw, followed by a wallop from a water bottle. Raven's busted open! JC rolls Raven back in, cover, but only a 2-count. JC snap-mare takes Raven down. A reverse chin lock near the ropes is broken by the referee, and Raven is slow getting to his feet. JC punching, targetting Raven's bloody forehead. Now Justin Credible's got a table in the ring, (third one of the match), and places Raven on it. JC tries running full tilt to drive Raven through the table, but Raven rolls away at the last second, and it's JC who busts the table. (Crowd: "Raven! Raven! Raven!") Justin Credible with a sleeper hold, but Raven busts it with a drop-to-the-knees jawbreaker. Raven tries the sleeper, but JC hits a belly-to-back suplex, and covers, but only a 2-count again. Justin Credible: "RAVEN IS FINISHED!" and does the throat-cutting gesture. Both men to the corner, JC does the "Ten Count Punch Out" but Raven interrupts with a Golotta, and JC's on the mat, clutching himself and making statements. Raven with a kick to the gut, and a whip to the corner, big splash, Holy Cow! A "Mr. Wrestling II KNEE LIFT!" staggers an already groggy Justin Credible. Whoops! Raven's got his hankie out! Loaded Beezer Booger Blower to JC's FACE! Lance Storm on the ring apron, wallops Raven with the Tag title belt. Justin Credible with the Roll-on pin, but only a 2 count again! Storm's holllering at Justin Credible to "finish him off!", but JC's whip gets reversed into an Evenflo setup. Raven tries his finisher, but eats a Lance Storm slingshot clothesline instead. Storm hits two big elbow drops on Raven, and now Jason's in the ring, and it's three on one, now. Jason's forearm clothesline followed by an elbow drop flattens Raven. Justin Credible with a drop toehold drops Raven face first onto the steel chair. Now a DDT by JC onto the same steel chair, and Raven is unconscious. But the Impact Players are still not through with him. Double-team "That's Incredible!" piledriver, with a Lance Storm supplied booster drives Ravens head onto the steel chair, and JC: "That's not just the best!" (Joey Styles:" Aw, SCREW YOU BOTH, Justin, you piece of...") Lance Storm: "That's from Calgary, Alberta, Canada!" JC: "That's just Incredible!" But their celebration is short-lived, because Danny Doring and Roadkill storm the ring and start bashing heads. (call it 12:34) And we go to Commercials Same old same old. Paul Heyman is in the ring, along with Dusty Rhodes and the referee. They are all three tending to the unconscious Raven. As we watch the replay of the "stuff piledriver" that brought Raven to this sorry state, Cyrus the Virus is in the ring as well. Cyrus is pointing at his watch, and angrily hollering at Paul E. to "get the wrestler out of the ring, we've got a schedule to keep, we haven't got time for this, etc." Paul E. is giving it back volt for volt, and is telling Cyrus to "get lost!" or words to that effect. Cyrus is on the stick: "Dusty, Dusty! You were network! You were office! You were just like me! Would you tell this MORON (indicates Heyman) that we need to get the g-d wrestler out of the ring? Hey, this isn't about the wrestler, this is about "The Network" for Christ's sake!" Now Dusty is up, and is he mad at Cyrus! "Lemme tell you sumthin'! This ain't about "The Network"! This is about the boys, it ain't about "The g-d Network"!" (Crowd: "Dusty! Dusty! Dusty!") Cyrus: "With all due respect, Dusty, please do NOT kayfabe me! This ain't about the boys, you know as well as I do this is about "The Network". Dusty, I'm in on the gimmick! I'm office! I'm Network! And that sucking sound you hear is the sound of money going out of "The Network!" (Crowd cheers!) Meanwhile, Paul E. and the EMT's have gotten the still-unconscious Raven out of the ring. Cyrus is working himself in to a lather: "Ratings are dropping!" "Channels are changing!" "This is a ratings disaster!" "We got 'Roller Jam' coming up, and we need the boys...!" Dusty snatches Cyrus' microphone away from him. "Let me lay dis on ya! Ah don' hafta stan' out heah and lissen to yo' ass talk about da network! It's not about da network! It's not about da ratings! It's about da boyz who put dey ass onna line evvy nite, so's guys like YOU kin havva job!" Man, that snap-brim on Dusty's Resistol cowboy hat is working overtime! (HUGE crowd pop!) "Yeah, since ah'm heah, ah'm gonna lay - dis - all - out!" Dusty's in full "Swamptown Revival Preacherman" mode, now! "I.. lemme.. you jus' wait! " (this to Cyrus, who's pointing at his watch.) "you jus' have yo' frens' at da Network call MY ass if dey wanna talk to me about DIS time!" (Cyrus is livid.) Joey Styles: "Dusty's walkin' the walk, now here's the talk!" Dusty: "Ah came ta ECW for one reason, to see Paul E., and got drawwwwn into a sitchyayshun, ah got drawwwwn, as an ol' man, into a sitchyayshun. Ah got my ass kicked by the Young Turks of the ECW, and you know why? It's about the boyz!" (Crowd: "AMEN! Preach ON, Brother Dusty! Amen!") "Dese boyz back dere, dey are notta buncha nobodyz! Dey are da buncha sumbitches dat PAY YO' BILLS! DEY pay yo' bills!" (Crowd: "Preacher! Hallelujah! Amen!") Cyrus is on the headset "talking to the truck", and presumably getting instructions from "The Network". (Crowd: "Dusty! Dusty! Dusty!") Mr. Rhodes continues: "An' ah'm gonna lay dis on ya, too! What you thinkin' 'bout, what all dem young lions in da back is thinkin' 'bout, is Mikey Awesome's Heavyweight Title belt. I'm not here to win no Heavyweight Title. What AH'M here for, is because for thirty years, dese people gave a (Crowd: "AMEN! Preach on, Dusty!" etc.) Cyrus is now in fear of his life. Mr. Rhodes: "But don' tellll me, don' tellll me, about da Network, da Network can..." Dusty's doin' his signature "Shuckin' an' Jivin'" moves, and is clearly making his point with Cyrus. Who, just as clearly, wishes he were elsewhere. "So, for all of you dat gave back to me, here in Tallahassee..." (gets choked up) "Lemme say somethin' up here! "In da ECW Arena in Philadelphia, dem <bleep>s hated my <bleep> for a lifetime. But when ah went to da ECW Arena in Philadelphia, an' showed dem RESPECT, dey gave it BACK to me!" (Huge Crowd pop, chants of "DUSTY! DUSTY!", etc) To Cyrus: "YOU din't give it back, da Network din't give it back, so dat's da deal with..." Joey Styles: "Steve Corino is in the ring, Wha...?" Corino: "Excuse ME, Mr. Dus..." Dusty: " Ah'm already through wit you, I don' wanna hear fum you, son." and turns his back on Corino. Corino: "Oh, you don't want to hear from me? Are you scared I'm going to say something about the REAL Dusty Rhodes?" Dusty: "You know, ah already put you to rest, lil' Stevie. You need to go back an' take a powder!" and Rhodes turns his back on Corino a second time. Corino swats at Dusty's Resistol cowboy hat. TWICE! Styles: "Doesn't Corino remember being bloodied by this man in Ft. Lauderdale? What is he thinking??!!" Dusty stops, slowly takes off his hat, and places carefully on the mat, and then turns around... AAAGH! NO! THE SMILE! Run Corino! Save yourself! Dusty's wearing THE SMILE as he moves right up in Corino's face. "You know", Dusty purrs, "Somebody oughta punch you right in da nose! But ah ain't!" Looks away, then back at Corino. Now THE SMILE has TEETH! "Da hell ah ain't!" and POW!, Corino gets one right on the beezer! Dusty proceeds to clean house. There's a Bionic Elbow for Cyrus. Jack Victory, in to rescue Corino, (and carrying a bull rope?) gets one as well. Rhodes is pummeling the stuffing out of Corino, when in comes Rhino to save everybody, and Dusty goes down. It's a three-on-one beat down, now. Joel Gertner: "Thirty years as the "Bull of the Woods" and he still isn't smart enough to know when he's being set up!" Corino slaps on a Figure Four, and locks it down, while Rhino is kicking at Dusty's knee, and Jack Victory is garroting Rhodes with the bull rope. Joey Styles:" The leg! They're gonna break the Dream's leg! Can't somebody help him?" Is that Metallica tuning up? Yup, and out comes the Sandman, beer, cigarettes, and Singapore cane in tow. His demeanor does not bode well for Corino and Company, especially for one member of that group. Joey Styles: "The Sandman wants Rhino!" Closing credits, and yet ANOTHER cliffhanger ending! How many more can we stand?? See you next week! E.C. Ostermeyer [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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