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/10 March 2000

ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer




Y'all remember my lil' ol' experiment as to which format I should write my "ECW On TNN" recaps? You know, where I gave you three recaps each written differently, and then asked you, my gentle readers, to email me as to which one you liked the best, ands that would be the one I'd use?
Well, the votes are in, and you won't believe it....

It's a two-way tie!

Out of a total of four responses, I got two apiece for each of two of the formats!
Two of my fellow recappers, Messrs. Raquib and Beckers, said I should stick with format #3: short, sweet, and no commercial filler.
Messrs. Fitta and Bailey liked the full-force-total-immersion style of Format #1.
Nobody liked Format #2.

So now I have a decision to make.

Let's take a look at this week's offering from the Arena of Extreme while I ponder this for a bit.

This is the ECW On TNN recap for Friday, 10 March 2000, and I'm your recapper, ol' Eezy Cheezy himself.

We are live on tape from "The Infamous ECW Arena in South Philadelphia", in the company of, hands down, the biggest , noisiest, most raucous wrestling crowd on the planet. The crowd's noise level is absolutely peggin' th' meter!

Your hosts for the evening, the ever-dapper Joseph Styles, and his puckish side-kick, Joel Gertner, are center-ring to start the festivities.
Mr. Gertner opens "Poetry Corner" with:

"After tonight's show, here in the heart of South Philly..."

(Mr. Styles knows what's coming, and is running for cover.)

"I'll be with Cyrus' MOM, and I'll be banging her SILLY!"

And, as might be expected, this brings out Don "Cyrus the Virus" Callis, in high snit!

"Excuse me! EXCUUUSE MEEE!
This is EXACTLY the type of garbage that we don't need on The Network!

Ladies and gentlemen, it has come to the point....."

A provoked Joey Styles is suddenly right up in Cyrus' face.

"It has come to the point, IT HAS COME TO THE POINT where I am unwilling to risk my reputation and MY JOB because I am unwilling to..."

HUGE crowd pop. "Jo-ey! Jo-ey! Jo-ey!"

"I am unwilling to interview an ASSHOLE like you!"

Cyrus can't believe his ears.
GERTNER's got a look on his face like my brother had the Christmas he got the electric train set.

Mr. Styles lifts the stick above his head, drops in to the canvas (ka-BOINK!) and leaves the ring.
Cyrus is making futile gestures that say "Hey where you goin', Joey?" He looks over at Gertner. The look turns baleful.

Gertner, reading the look, does that double-bye-bye-dance of his, and bails out as well, leaving Cyrus alone.
Cyrus and the VERY hostile and VOCAL South Philly fans.

(Sign in the crowd: "Cyrus Likes Little Boys")

Cyrus has a "tantrum moment", stomping around the ring and cussing over the outright mutiny of the on-air talent, and we go to

Opening Credits

(Or rather, the ECW "Currently a Casualty" list!)

Let's see,

RVD- disabled list,
Axl Rotten-discharged,
New Jack-disabled list,
Spike Dudley, day-to-day,
Jerry Lynn - (?)

Hey, where'd Jerry Lynn's graphic go?

Back to the ring, where Cyrus is still stomping around in a rage.
(Holds up TNN Access Badge.)
(Crowd: "RVD! RVD! RVD!")
"... I have stripped Rob Van Dam of the Title because I want to have a television tournament, starting tonight and culminating at the Pay-Per-View!
So, by GOD, SOMEBODY had better hand me the TV Title!"

And out comes Bill Alfonso.

This doesn't seem to satisfy Cyrus at all, and he unloads his rage on Fonzie:
"I am so SICK of this! I have sent LETTERS, I have made DEMANDS< and Fonzie, I have had it up to HERE with YOU!
I have had it up to here with Heyman, I have had it up to here with..."(indicates the crowd at ringside) " these people... (Crowd: " BOOOO!")

"I am canceling ECW from TNN!"

Styles: "WHAAAAT?!!!"

Cyrus continues: "Effective immediately, ECW is off TNN!"
(Points to camera.)
"Tune in next week, 8PM Eastern, 7 Central, for my new concept show!
'Extreme Championship ssssssSSSShuffleboard!' "

Styles: "HE'S the one thought up Rockin' Bowl! It was HIM!"

Cyrus turns his attention to Fonzie once more.
"I don't object to your coming out here. I object to Rob Van Dam sending you, a flunky, out to do his dirty work. To face The Network face to face..."

There's RVD's music cranking up, to a big pop from the crowd, lustily singing along , and

There's Rob Van Dam, broken leg and all, making his way to the ring. He's seated on the shoulders of Scotty Riggs.
Styles: "Rob Van Dam is in the ring! The World Television Champion, Rob Van Dam is in the ring with Cyrus, broken leg be damned! The World Television Champion isd going to confront Cyrus, TONIGHT!"

Looks like the first offering of tonight's


ECW "Living Dangerously" PPV

Call the 900-ECW Hotline for updates on Steve Austin (wedding bells?) Goldberg (hidin' out), Bret Hart (ditto), Undertaker (disabled), and Jeff Jarrett.

Dave Cox-Arquette sets race relations back 50 years.

Marijuana addiction can be cured by basketball.

"Beyond The Mat" movie promo. "The movie Vince McMahon doesn't want you to see!"
A bad move, VinnyMac.
That's made even worse when they show him saying "We make movies!"
So nobody else can, hah?

Wendy's Crispy Chicken Nuggets are a good trade for those $60.00 a-piece NBA courtside seats. Just ask Dave Thomas.

Acclaim's "ECW Hardcore Revolution"- the video game. Real Hard! Real Fans! Real Wrestlers!

Big brawny men who live in lakes use Ice Sport from Aqua Velva.

Back to the ring, where Cyrus is "explaining things" to RVD:
" Rob, you know, it's a little late. I'm canceling this TV show. ECW is off The Network... what? You figure you're gonna bring Scotty out here to defend the title for you, 'cause you got a broke leg, is that wh...?"

Rob snatches the microphone away from Cyrus.

"Scotty is one of my best friends in the world! That's something you probably don't even have, seeing as how you're such a [prick}! Scotty was the first one to call me when I won the Title two years ago next [bleepin'] month! Scotty was the first to call me after I broke my leg.
And ALL these RVD fans were right there on top of it, emailing me, wishing me a speedy recovery, checking on my progress.
I'm here to give you a progress report, Cyrus.
I feel pretty good.
Yeah, I got a broken leg, but let me tell you something, I'm not David Letterman trying to come back from a triple bypass.
I am EVERYBODY'S favorite wrestler, Rob Van Dam. Yes, this broken leg has kept me out of the ring for a few weeks.
But it hasn't kept me out of the gym.
"It hasn't kept my spirits down.
And if you don't watch what the f- you say, it isn't gonna keep me from beating your f-n ass in front of all these people!"

Wild cheers from the crowd. "RVD! RVD! RVD!".

Cyrus, who was talking into his headset, backs off real fast.

RVD continues.
"Now, in the four years I've been with ECW, I've seen the company grow from an organization running shows a few times a month in [bleeps] like Jim Thorpe, PA, to the nationally-known phenomenon that ECW has become!
"And, everybody knows, I've turned down offers from other organizations to stay right here in Extreme Championship Wrestling.
(Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!")
"Well, other wrestlers have left for what they thought were greener pastures, and some have returned. All the fans knew they could count on one thing throughout all this time was, when they bought their tickets to see ECW, they were gonna get what they paid to see, and that was the WHOLE F'N SHOW!"

I didn't think this South Philly crowd could cheer any louder.
I was wrong.

"This is the path that Rob Van Dam has been carrying the company on, and I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna let you put a stop to that!
Your tellin' me that, because of this piece of metal I'm holding on to , that you're gonna take all of that AWAY from ECW? All of the time I've invested, all that these fans have invested, all the boys in the back that couldn't beat me, and everyone else who's told me I as wasting my time in ECW, that this is my chance to prove everybody wrong, and you're tellin' me YOU'RE gonna take it all away from us and put us back to doing HOUSE SHOWS??!"

Cyrus, grinning nastily, nods his head, then sticks his hands in his pockets, waiting expectantly.

Crowd: "RVD! RVD! RVD!"

Van Dam's got tears in his eyes.
"I can't let that happen."
He starts to unbuckle the ECW World Television Title belt from around his waist.

There's an audible gasp from the crowd, then cries of "No! Don't do it! Nooo..."

Fonzie's holding RVD's crutch, Scotty Riggs has a comforting hand on RVD's shoulder, then takes his other crutch. RVD's standing unaided on his own two feet.
The belt's off.
Cyrus, grinning hugely, moves in for the kill.
"ECW can continue on TNN, and all I got to say to you Cyrus, is good luck finding somebody to fill the shoes, and the standard I've set as ECW World Television Champion."
Styles: "I don't believe it!"
Eagerly Cyrus reaches to take the belt, but RVD drops it to the canvas. He stands there, stonily looking at Cyrus.
Cyrus squats down to pick up the belt, but leaps back when RVD takes a step forward.
Cyrus has to CRAWL on his hands and knees to get the belt! Which he does, finally, and scuttles, rat-like, back to the corner, clutching his prize.
"Oh, and Cyrus, I want you to know that, whoever it is that you get to carry that belt, I'll be back to kick their f'n ass to take my title back, and I'm gonna do it on YOUR NETWORK, TNN!"
Just a HUGE crowd pop, as Rob Van Dam thumps the microphone against Cyrus chest, then turns to leave the ring.

Styles: "He just saved this television show! What a selfless act!"
Gertner: "Can you imagine how much he wanted to be a two-year champion?"

Meanwhile, back in the ring, RVD is having a little trouble going through the ropes, even with Scotty Riggs' help.

Bill Alfonso is taking this opportunity to whip up some cheap heat for RVD, waving on the "RVD! RVD!" chant.
Cyrus has had enough of that, however, and shoves Fonzie from behind.
"Hey Fonzie, just get your ASS out here! Get out of here, Fonzie! Who's got the belt right now, hah?"

Fonzie, incensed, flings down his cap and starts with some boxing-style fancy footwork around Cyrus.

Styles: "Cyrus and Fonzie!"

Cyrus: "Oh, YOU want a piece of me? You want to GO with MEEE?!" (Checks to see if RVD is through the ropes, and yep, he sure is. Grinning, Cyrus turns to the task at hand.)
Off come the coat and tie.

Styles: "Well, THIS is even money!"
Gertner: " I never thought I'd be rooting for Fonzie!"

Whack! And Fonzie's gored by Rhino so fast, Mr. Cameraman almost missed it.
Rob Van Dam's back in the ring, and swinging wildly at Rhino with his crutch! Riggs is trying, without much success, to hold RVD back and protect him from any further damage at the same time.
Rhino's just all over RVD (but mostly Scotty Riggs), as we go to

Commercials. Really quick.

Toby Keith for 10-10-220,TGI Fridays, The Money Store, iwondotcom, True Value Hardware, and TNN Action Wednesdays: One Hot Night!

Toby Keith? Who he?

Back to the ring, as RVD's being dragged to the back by Scotty Riggs, the semi-conscious Fonzie in tow. Rhino's being "restrained" by some ECW "Black Suits", along with Steve Corino and Jack Victory, still in their cowboy night attire.

Cyrus is hollering,
"By GOD, Heyman, I got the Belt for The Network!
So, Heyman, just to show that I'm not gonna just put it on Rhino....
Heyman, we're gonna start this sonuvagun tonight!
I got Rhino here, we're gonna start these quarterfinals!
You send me the best you've got, RIGHT NOW!

Out comes Little Spike Dudley, with a big ol' game face screwed on real tight!

Match #1: Rhino d. Little Spike Dudley (Quarterfinal match for the ECW World Television Championship Title)
Spike's not wasting any time, as he storms the ring, ands boots Rhino in the gut to double him over, then goes for his "Acid Drop" finisher, misses, but hits a neat-o Hangman's Neck-breaker, followed by a small package and a near pin.
Rhino's back on his feet, swinging wildly, but Spike ducks under the blow, spears Rhino (!) and rolls him up for another near pin.
Rhino's back up, tries a gorilla press slam, but Spike wriggles out, rolls the off-balance Rhino up with a Sunset Flip, and another near pin.
Rhino's mad now, as he hammers away at Spike, even bouncing his head off the top turnbuckle. Sets up for the gore, but misses and goes flying through the ropes to the arena floor. Spike's outside as well, and takes a chair from an adoring fan.
Two seconds later, WHACK! Goes the chair, and "Ooooff!" goes Rhino. You can almost see the cartoon canaries flying around his head after that chair shot from Little Spike Dudley. At this point, why, oh why do we have to have yet ANOTHER set of


Mentor a child. Good idea. Do it! 'Nuff said.
Wendy's. Again.
Progressivedotcom Auto Pro. Home of the IRV's.

And we arrive back just in time to see that the action has moved out to behind the bleachers, and onto the stage area of the ECW Arena.

Rhino is hurling Little Spike Dudley through the air.

Spike lands (well, sort of scoots) across one table.

He then crashes THROUGH the second table, collapsing it.

Then he takes the baddest, nastiest, most vicious BUMP I've ever seen, as he collides (with an audible crunch!) full-force with two STEEL bleacher support struts, getting one in the face, and one across the outside of his left knee.
Joey Styles' "Oh my GOD!" expresses my sentiments, as well as those of a lot of those bleacher bums.
Lots of concerned faces, and NOBODY who was close to the action is cheering,
At least until they spot Mr. Cameraman.
Two ECW "Black Suits" and a trainer are checking Spike, and sheesh, Spike's still going!
Rhino drags Little Spike Dudley back to the entry way, and dumps him in a heap. He puts on his "Rookie Monster" act, working the crowd while Spike takes a well-deserved rest.
Rhino's really selling the bad-ass routine; he finally picks Spike up and rams him into the steel guardrail.
Back to ringside we go, as Rhino sends Spike into the guardrail on the far side of the ring. The charge-in runs into a drop toe-hold, however, and it's Rhino that eats the steel guardrail for a change.
Spike's holding his left knee again, and that face has agony written all over it.
Rhino's back in the ring. Spike is verrry slowww getting to his feet, then grabs a chair and goes up to the top turnbuckle.
Jack Victory's hollering "Rhino! Watch out, Rhino!", as
Little Spike Dudley waffles Rhino with a BIG chair shot from the top turnbuckle. Cover, 1,2, no!
Spike, chair in hand, is back up in the far corner for another go, but Rhino shortstops the move by punching both fists against the chair, having it hit Spike Dudley's face. Rhino with a fireman's carry to a slam, cover, but no pin.

Time for the heavy stuff, as Jack Victory slides a table into the ring. Rhino leans the table up in the corner, then sets up Little Spike for the ride.
But Spike escapes the powerslam finisher, and boots Rhino in the gut to double him over.
Spike sets up, ACID DROP! Cover, one, twoooandahalffff, NO! Steve Corino pulls the ref out of the ring. Acid Drop on Steve Corino. Jack Victory is in with the bullrope. Acid Drop for Jack Victory.
Spike punches out Steve Corino, but Corino ducks aside, and Rhino spears Little Spike Dudley through the table, and again, Spike takes a hard bump, as Rhino's knee snaps his head back.
Corino, staggering around, is hollering for Rhino to "finish him off!". Which Rhino does, dealing several kicks to the unconscious form of Little Spike Dudley before nailing a piledriver for the win (6:07).
Jeez, What a match! The locker room's gonna look like a car crash site!

Wendy's, again. Pep Boys Auto Supply, Ice Sport (Man, that lake looks cold. Let's talk about "shrinkage", shall we?). hrblockdotcom, 1800callatt, Acclaim's "ECW Hardcore Revolution promo",

Hey, what's this?
Whips? Leather? "Love slave"? Handcuffs?
Thrill Zone Friday, indeed!

We are back as we see

Joey Styles: "Spike Dudley has been taken to the hospital, while Rhino moves on to the semi-finals at the "Living Dangerously" PPV."
Gertner: "Yes, but Rhino will be facing tough competition, because he must face the Sandman!"
Styles: " Earlier today, the Impact Players faced Jado and Gedo from the FMW promotion in Japan, and what a match it was!"

Match #2: The Impact Players (w/ Dawn Marie Bytch and World's Sexiest Man Jason) d. Jado & Gedo of FMW (Contender's slot, ECW World Tag-team Titles)

We join the match already underway, as Justin Credible and Gedo tie up in a collar and elbow.
JC with the headlock conversion, but Gedo pushes him into the ropes. JC misses the clothesline, but hits the swinging DDT on Gedo, then demonstrates his command of the English language, (well, the four letter words anyway) to the fans at ringside.
Credible tags in Lance Storm, who hits a front kick, a Big Right hand, and a whip to the ropes that has gedo meeting a standing dropkick on the way back.
Lance is trash-talking Jado.
Tag to Justin Credible, who's offense suddenly fizzles in the face of Gedo's "punches in bunches" that back JC into a corner.
There's a Chop by Gedo ("Whooo!" from the crowd!) and another ("Whooo!), but Credible breaks the momentum with a poke in Gedo's eye.
Justin Credible with a snap mare to a chinlock on Gedo. Jado's pounding the ring to get the crowd behind Gedo. It looks like it works, as Gedo powers out of the chinlock, and hammers a series of elbows deep into Justin Credible's breadbasket. Gedo with a rebound off the ropes, float-over into a Sunset Flip, and a cover, but no pin this time.
Both men back on their feet, Justin Credible gets off a snap clothesline, then drives Gedo's head into Lance Storm's knee.
Tag made, and lance Storm's chopping away at Gedo's throat. Big right Hand to the chin of Gedo drops him to the mat, where Storm covers, but only gets 2.
Cross-ring action, as lance Storm sets up for the German suplex, but Gedo powers through and lands on his feet, then delivers a short clothesline that puts Lance Storm down.
Gedo goes down as well, and it's a race to see who can tag first.
Storm tags first, but Gedo's a half-second behind him, and now Justin Credible is facing Jado, who nails BOTH of the Impact Players with a running double clothesline.
Justin Credible is whipped into the corner, and does a Flair Flip over the top turnbuckle. Lance Storm is chopping and punching on Jado, who's no-selling the hell out of everything Storm is throwing at him. Jado powers out, whips LS to the far corner. Storm with a vertical leap to the top turnbuckle, but Jado's there to shove his feet from under him, and Lance Storm's butt meets the turnbuckle hard!
Jado's now up top with Storm, cinching him up, then hitting a BIG superplex in the center of the ring. Cover, 1,2, Jason is in to break up the pin. Jason's in with a steel chair, but the waffle attempt backfires as jado and Gedo double-team Jason into a drop toehold onto the steel chair.
Lance Storm's back and whips Jado into Justin Credible's knee. The charge-in goes awry as Jado ducks out of the way, and Justin Credible gets it full force and is knocked off the ring apron.
Cover by Jado on Lance Storm, but only a 2-count results, as lance Storm shoves Jado off. Jado gets walloped by the cane-wielding JC, cover 1,2,no!

Standing ovation from the fans: "ECW! ECW! ECW!"

Styles: "Jado and Gedo have come to fight!"
Double team by the Impact Players on Jado, followed by a Justin Credible sledge to jado's back.

Justin Credible with a table, and setting it up in the corner.
Crowd: "Table! Table! Table!"

JC tries to suplex Jado though the table. Jado reverses, but misses the belly to back suplex, but Credible hits a mule kick Golotta. Credible with a charge-in, but Jado side-steps him then hip-tosses Justin Credible through the table.
Lance Storm is in with kicks and punches to Jado, followed by a whip to the ropes, but Jado rebounds, lands a kick deep in Storm's gut, double underhook,
TIGER DRIVER on Lance Storm! Tag to Gedo, who's going up top. Maximum air frog splash! Cover, somehow Storm kicks out.
Tag by Lance Storm to Justin Credible, who charges in, only to get a thumb in the eye from Gedo, and then a "Double Bird" (a la Steve Austin.) Jawbreaker, by Gedo staggers Justin Credible, and the double drop kick sends him through the ring ropes to the outside. Gedo tags Jado.
Double team on Lance Storm, reverse chop, then a clothesline on the corner. Storm is dragged to the top turnbuckle, big powerbomb by Jado, cover, 1,2,NO!

Crowd:" ECW! ECW! ECW! "

Jado sets a running clothesline on Lance Storm, but Storm ducks, and Jado eats a standing sidekick from Justin Credible. Impact Players set up, and there's the "Stuff Piledriver" for the win (6:30)


ECW personalities are promoting Acclaim's "ECW Hardcore Revolution" video game in the following locations:
Lake Grove, NY, Danbury , CT, and Tom's river, NJ.

ECW "Living Dangerously" PPV, 12 March 2K in Danbury, CT.

ECW House Shows schedule:
17 Mar Worcester MA, 18 Mar Salem NH (TNN taping), 24 Mar Kansas City MO, 25 Mar Wichita KS.

ecwwrestlingdotcom has half-naked pics of Elektra. Get your bookmarks ready.
Vidcaps from "Living Dangerously" will be posted as they happen.

Wendy's. Again. David Cox-Arquette falls off a cliff. RollerJam promo.

We're back, and it's the start of:

Match #3: Mike Awesome(w/ Judge Jeff Jones) and Raven ( w/ Francine) d. Tommy Dreamer and Masato Tanaka for the ECW World Tag-Team Championship.
Lots of finger-pointing and jabbering by Awesome. Dreamer's giving it back volt for volt, however.

Francine looks like she ought to be working a corner in Hunt's Point.

Gertner (making an "eewwww!"- face): " Boy, does Francine look like TRASH!"
Styles: "You're tellin' me, Joel!"
Gertner: "I LIKE that in a woman!"
Styles does a double take, as Gertner does that "Double wave-bye-bye" of his.
Styles (disgustedly): "Un-be-LIEV-able!"
To the action, as Tommy Dreamer squares off against Mike Awesome.
Dreamer ducks a clothesline, and blocks an Awesome Boot, sets a side Russian leg sweep, and drives Awesome into the mat. (Mikey's just selling the move like crazy, too.)
A Dreamer headlock on Awesome gets blocked, and Awesome hits a belly-to-back suplex out of the headlock, then tags in Raven.
Raven with two punches to TD's head, then a whip to the turnbuckle. A follow-up whip into the ropes gets reversed, but Raven holds onto the ropes, then bails out of the ring, with Tommy Dreamer right behind him.
Mike Awesome is just standing there in his corner, doing nothing, as Dreamer continues to chase Raven. They run right past Awesome, but no interference at all from the big guy.
Now Raven's in, and tags Mike Awesome. Both men are daring Tommy Dreamer to climb back into the ring.
Dreamer does climb back in, and ducks under a VERY sloppy Mike Awesome clothesline to tag in Masato Tanaka. Mike Awesome eyes Tanaka warily, as Tanaka enters the ring. Now they're nose-to-nose, jawing at each other. There's the start of the shoving match, which ends by both men trading a fast series of chops (Crowd: Whoo!Whoo!Whoo!,every time one lands.)
Awesome with a boot to the gut. There's a big splash, and Awesome drives Masato Tanaka to the mat. Standing splash, cover, 1,2, no.

Gertner: " Doesn't Francine look gorgeous in Raven's "colors" tonight?"
Styles: "She looks like a painted trollop!"
Gertner: "Yeah, bay-bee! Duz she make yew haw-ny, Joey?"
Styles: " ...(*!)..." (sounds of strangulation.)

Mike Awesome with a Big Right Hand to Masato Tanaka, followed by a whip to the corner. Tanaka reverses, and scissors toe-hold drops Aweome jaw-first onto the turnbuckle. Missile Dropkick staggers Mike Awesome.
A whip by Tanaka gets reversed, and Mike charges in for the splash. Tanaka up top and tries to set for a tornado DDT, but Awesome just powers through the move, and hits a big powerslam.

Mike tags in Raven.
Raven wallops Tanaka with the steel chair, but Tanaka's back on his feet, shaking it off, as Raven's busy wedging the chair in the corner ropes. Tanaka rams Raven from behind, and Raven eats the chair. A whip across the ring, and Raven gets two more elbows and a nice spot on the mat to rest. Tanaka covers, 1,2,no!
Now Tommy Dreamer's got the chair wedged back in the ropes, and Raven gets flung into it by Masato Tanaka.
Tanaka tags in Tommy Dreamer.
Dreamer with "punches in bunches" on Raven, then ties Raven to the "Tree of Woe". Tommy climbs up and, ummm, "adjusts Raven's in-seam" for him, and we see every excruciating detail of this move in close-up, courtesy of Mr. Cameraman.
Whoops, there's Mike Awesome with a Golotta on Tommy Dreamer, then Awesome Bombs Dreamer into the center of the ring. Raven crawls over slowly, and drapes an arm over Tommy, cover, 2 count only.
Both men up, as Raven whips Dreamer into the ropes and catches him ion a sleeper hold on the rebound. Dreamer's fighting it, shove Raven off, then counters with a belly-to-back suplex. Both men down.
Raven tags in Mike Awesome, who hits a running elbow on the prone Tommy Dreamer, and a punch in the face to Tanaka, knocking him off the ring apron.
Big Right hand to Dreamer staggers him, and the reverse flying elbow drives him to the canvas. Cover, but only a two count.
Awesome hits a chokeslam versionof the powerbomb, then tags in Raven.

Raven's got the ring microphone
"C'mon, hardcore!" POW! Mic shot to Dreamer's forehead by Raven.
"C'mon, hardcore!" POW! There's another.
"C'mon, why don't you cry to your little fans!" POW! And another.
"Oh, my bad back, my bad back!" POW! Back of the neck this time, drives Dreamer to the canvas.
"Get UP, bitch, and go tag your little bad back!" Short senton to Tommy dreamer's lower back.
"Whadda you got, shingles? Rickets? WHAT?!"
Another short senton, but this time Dreamer rolls over and has his knee waiting when Raven's senton lands.
Right in the ol' "in-seam" again.
"AAAAAHHHHHhhhhhhh!" Raven's rolling around on the mat, clutching himself.

Boy, Raven's "In-seam" has sure taken a beating tonight

Raven, in agony, rolls and tags in Mike Awesome.
Awesome charges in, but runs right past Tommy Dreamer to train-wreck Masato Tanaka off the ring apron again. Awesome then turns, and waits for Tommy Dreamer to shakily get to his feet.
Then Awesome sends him right back down with a snap clothesline, guillotine leg-drop, and a Mike Awesome cover, 1,2,not this time!
Awesome drives Dreamer into Raven's knee, then makes the tag.
Raven's in charge, and whips Tommy into the corner, then nails a bulldog in the center of the ring.
Judge Jeff Jones is shoves a table into the ring, then a steel chair.
Raven sets up the steel chair, and goes for the drop toe-hold, but Dreamer blocks the move, grabs the chair and whacks Raven across the back with it.
Tommy's going for another whack, but Mike Awesome runs in and punches the chair into Dreamer's face, staggering him. The chair flies into the crowd.
Awesome's busy "shaking the bees" out of his right hand, then goes and wallops Masato Tanaka off the ring apron with it, yet again.
Yeow, that hand must really sting now!

Mike puts Dreamer on the table, then climbs up top for the Awesome Splash.
Here it comes!
But Tommy Dreamer sees it coming, and rolls off the table. Mike Awesome lands with considerable force on, then through the table.

Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!"

Dreamer is psyching himself up, literally willing himself to push through the pain and make the tag to Masato Tanaka.
Which he does.
Tanaka's in, and really goes to town on Mike Awesome and raven, with elbows to both, and a running punch to Mike Awesome's jaw. There's a running knee-lift to Raven's gut!
Double clothesline! Tanaka with a waist lock on Raven, but Awesome breaks it up, and hits a German suplex that just tosses Tanaka across the ring.
Awesome is calling for another table, as Tanaka tags Tommy Dreamer back in. Dreamer's going to work on Raven's noggin. Raven counters with a rake to Dreamer's eyes.
Judge Jeff Jones with another table ready, and Raven sets it in the corner. Raven whips Dreamer toward the table, but Dreamer reverses, Raven reverses, then Dreamer reverses yet again, and hits a Hangman's Noose neck-breaker on Raven. All four men in the ring now, as Mike Awesome's got Masato Tanaka on the table in the ring. Awesome to the top turnbuckle again, but Tanaka's up off the table, and crotches Awesome on the turnbuckle. Tanak points at the table, and sets Awesome up for the ride, but Awesome shoves Tanaka off, crotching him on the top rope in the process. Tommy Dreamer steps in, tries to set the Spicolli Driver on Mike Awesome, with the table as Ground Zero.
But Raven's there to break that up with the point of elbow to Dreamer's "in-seam".
Raven then whips Tommy Dreamer into the ropes, catches the drop toe-hold, and
(Styles: "Oh my GOD!")
drives Tommy's head through the end of the table! The table end shatters, snapping Dreamer's head back from the force of impact!

Crowd: "OOOOOooooohhhhhh! ECW! ECW! ECW!"

Awesome follows this with an Awesome Splash, and a cover on Tommy Dreamer. Somehow, Dreamer gets a shoulder up.
Raven's on the outside of the ring, and Tanaka's CHEWING the hell out of Raven's forehead.
Mike Awesome with an Awesome Bomb that puts Tommy Dreamer through the corner table! Cover, 1,2 Tanaka's there to break it up. Raven kicks Tanaka in the head.
The ring looks like a cyclone hit it, with pieces of table everywhere.
The referee is trying to clear away the debris, as Tanaka hits a Roaring Elbow on Raven, and covers, but mike Awesome is there to break the pin. Jeff jones sets up another table in the opposite corner. Awesome with a whip of Tanaka across the ring, Tanaka misses landing the Roaring Elbow on Awesome, and eats a Mike Awesome clothesline instead.
Meanwhile, Raven tries a DDT, but Dreamer reverses it and uses Raven's own "Evenflo" DDT on him.
Cover, One, Two-o-o-and-a-half, Mike Awesome makes the save.
Mike Awesome's got Tommy Dreamer up. Running Awesome Bomb slams Dreamer through the table. Tanaka's there to waffle Awesome, and they both tumble out of the ring.
Raven staggers over to the unconscious Tommy Dreamer, rolls him up in a small package, and gets the three count for the win (12:12)
Your NEW ECW World tag-team Champions are Mike Awesome and Raven!

Cut to a picture of a right hand, signet ring on fourth finger, clutching a snakeskin wrapped walking stick. Somebody needs a manicure really bad.

Aw shoot, it's that ol' windbag Vandy-Poo, red suit, "Christmas from Hell" red mood lighting, but no miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
Not that I'd want this creep on MY roof Christmas Eve.
He'd probably show up drunk, driving an old Kroger shopping cart full of George Dickel empties, and being pulled by three or four Gila Monsters.

"Rob Van Dam relinquishes the World Television Title.
"The Network wants the Title on Rhi-I-n-o-o.
"Super Crazy stands up to The Network.
"Tanaka and Dreamer lose the Tag-team Titles to Raven, heh heh heh heh, and Mike Awesome.
"Mike Awesome is a double champion.

(Holds up two fingers. Hey, those are Lee Press-On nailz! Vandy's a poof-boy! HA!)

"The Impact Players want a Three Way Dance.
"Looks like "Living Dangerously is going to be a Head! On! Collision!

"Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaaaaaa!"

Mr. Cameraman pans back, and we see Vandy-Poof (I like the sound of that!) is sitting on the roof of a wrecked car, and still laughing demonically.

Well, lemme tell you something, Vandy-Poof. As one who's been in a head-on collision, and lived, this AIN'T no Head! On! Collision!
Ha Ha ha yourself!

Back to what we talked about in the opening, I guess I'll alternate using both style formats, as the muse directs me.
Oh, and sorry to say, but the Ebonics Universal Translator is un-repairable, and has been junked.
Guess I'll just have to get along without it.

See you next week.

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

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