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/wrestling /ECW on TNN /31 March 2000 |
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/wrestling /ECW on TNN /31 March 2000 |
ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer |
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MainBLAH |
ECW on TNN Time once again for your weekly sojourn in the Arena of Extreme. Yes, dear readers, it's the "ECW on TNN" report for Friday, 31 March 2000, and I'm the cryptkeeper, ol' "Ewwww! Creepy!" himself. We are live on tape (24 March 2000) in a brand new venue for ECW, the Uptown Theater in Kansas City, MO. This venue is NOT an arena, but an actual theater that once hosted plays and showed movies. As such, the wrestling ring was way down front in what once was the orchestra pit, and butted right up against the stage. Steel guardrails surround the ring on three sides. To the left of the ring are about twenty seats, with the same number on the right side. Everybody else sits in the theater seats. Except for tonight. Everybody is on their feet And I do mean EVERYBODY! The place is packed literally into the balcony, a banner and sign-festooned presence in the middle distance, with happy, mostly male, jostling, out-of-their-minds ECW fans, all hollering at the top of their lungs. Hey, these guys look TOO "happy"! I wonder if the infamous "no coolers" rule is in effect tonight? Your hosts are the "mucho rico suave" Joey Styles, and Joel: "Here we are, at the Uptown Theater in Kansas City And ECW carries this "Network", because without us They're so [shitty]...! ...Gertner!" "Excuse-a me! Excuuuse-a mee!" hollers Cyrus the (Network) Virus from backstage. Gertner is livid. "I swear on my life, if he comes out here, I'll beat the piss out of him!" (The censors cut "shitty" but left "piss"? What's up with that?) Styles is taking off his glasses. "YOU can have what I leave behind!" Now he's unbuttoning his coat. "Excuse-a me! Excuse-a me!" Cyrus makes his entrance from backstage. He's not alone. Yoshihiro Tajiri is riding shotgun, and looking even more viper-like than normal. "Muchas gracias, amigos. Didn't know I spoke "Mexican" didja?" Cyrus motions Tajiri to join him at ringside. This to Styles: "I'd suggest you back up, son." Tajiri looks like he just caught a whiff of fresh prey. Crowd is hollering "We want Sandman! Tajiri is stalking Joey Styles, who's trying to crawl through the ropes. His progress is being hampered by a pasty-white Joel Gertner who is trying to simultaneously hide behind Joey Styles, and use him as a human shield. Tajiri crouches, then spews the "Green Mist!" Styles and Gertner are trying to crawl inside each other. Cyrus grins nastily, then says, "Ladies and gentlemen, I guess we all know who I am? I am Network. I am the man who brought you "Roller Jam!" Crowd: "Booooo!" "I am the Ayatollah of Rockin' Bowl-ah!" "BOOOOOO!" "Hey, try not to soil yourself, Gertner. I can turn him loose at the drop of a pin. But, I wanta tell you one thing. We gotta situation with "Super Chico", the World TV champion. "And unfortunately, I've been frustrated by letting (makes a face) 'the Talent' handle Network business." Crowd: "Su-per Cra-zy! Tajiri, angered, gives the crowd a stare. They holler all the louder. Cyrus continues: "...and the Talent hasn't gotten the job done, quite frankly! So here's the deal. The Network takes control, I am gonna take control. You know, I'm a helluva luchador; I can hit those "plank-ahz" and "ka-bree-nahz" with the best of them. Crowd: some are hollering "ya-ya's", some are laughing outright at Cyrus' pronunciation problems. "So you see, I have to take control, the Network takes control of it's own destiny. Tonight, I will wrestle Super Crazy, and restore the belt to the Network, because these idiots like Tajiri here, aren't getting the job done!" Tajiri may not understand English, but he does know what "idiots" means, especially with Styles and Gertner filling in the blanks, and fingering Cyrus as the culprit. Tajiri looks to the crowd for confirmation, and gets it. Slowly, he turns and begins stalking Cyrus. Styles is telling Gertner with hand gestures how many rows up that Cyrus would land if Tajiri got a hold of him. Gertner's doing the "Happy Chicken" dance. Cyrus, confronted with Awful Danger, backs away real quick. "Now wait a minute! "I want you... " 'Shima-se! Watani mas! Watani mas! Shima-se! "I want you to remember one thing. "You kick me, you hit me, and I revoke your work visa! "You'll be back doing jobs for Abdullah the Butcher in "thumbtack" matches in Big Japan!" Tajiri, confused, rubs his head, as if trying to comprehend what is being said. "THEY! (pointing at Styles and Gertner) THEY want you deported! THEY want you back in Big Japan, puttin' over Abdullah the Butcher! Those two! Those two! Yess! Yess!" Tajiri resumes stalking Styles and Gertner. "Tonight, the network takes control! Tonight, I will put on the tights, and I will wrestle Super Crazy for the ECW World Television Title!" Cue opening credits Styles and Gertner are at the broadcast position, semmingly having escaped from Tajiri's clutches. Hey, new headset microphones for the boys! Gertner's having trouble fitting his over that fat head of his. Joey Styles (JS): "So tonight, Cyrus says he's taking the network business into his own hands. He's gonna take the World Television Title from Super Crazy, all by HIMSELF??!" Joel Gertner (JG): "Let me get this straight. Cyrus doesn't want to fight you OR me...(Flexes his muscles. What there is of them.)"... that's understandable. (Styles pulls a face, along with a gesture at Gertner that says "get HIM!") "But CYRUS wants to take on Super Crazy?! Doesn't make sense. Something stink, and it's not just the programming that comes on after this show. Something's up with Cyrus, and it's going down tonight!" backstage Danny Doring and Roadkill are cutting a promo. "Dangerous Alliance," Doring says, "we're gonna get our hands on you, don't worry about that. As for YOU, "OLD-lektra", remember this. You are nothing but a used kleenex in the peepshow booth of life!" (oog!) At this point Angel of "Da Baldies" busts into the shoot, and comes right up to Mr. Cameraman. "Yo, puppy, seen Dreamer?" Director (off camera):"Whoa! Whoa! Cut! Cut!" Mr. Cameraman keeps rolling, inexplicably. Angel to Doring: "You seen Dreamer?" Doring: " I don't need a problem with this. I don't know where Dreamer is!" "Hey, don' try to STRESS me! There's a hit on Dreamer, and I'm here to collect. An' if oyu try to Stress me, I'll knock the crap out of you, right here and now!" Doring (rubs hand across face): "Jeez, am I gonna have a problem with you?" Angel: "No doubt!" Doring: "I'd be more worried about YOU having a problem with ME!" POW! Doring nails Angel right in the nose! Grimes and DeVito appear from nowhere, and commence the beatdown of Doring and Roadkill, using fists, feet, bleeped words and trash cans. Finally satisfied, and congratulating each other on a job well done, "Da Baldies" move off in search of Tommy Dreamer. DeVito, looking back at the remains of Doring and Roadkill among the trash cans, shakes his head and mutters, "Kids, man!" Commercials Match #1 Yoshihiro Tajiri d. Little Guido (w. Big Sal E. Graziano) (6:36) Tajiri opens with a "Red Mist" spew, that disorients Guido. Cross-ring work ends when Guido's leapfrog attempt gets a double dropkick from Tajiri, right in his JG: " Peppers an'-a sausage-a!" JS: "Only you could ruin Sunday dinner for me, Joel!" Tajiri with two stiff chops, then an Irish Whip attempt gets reversed. Tajiri tries a float-over in the corner, but Guido catches his legs and face-plants Tajiri into the mat. A charge-in attempt by Guido gets him hot-shotted across the throat by the top rope. Tajiri tosses him onto the ramp-way (stage), and follows him out. A stiff "buzzsaw" kick flattens Guido once again. (From this camera angle, it looks like there are thousands of fans jamming the Uptown theater, and the balcony's loaded down with hanging signs.) Snap suplex by Tajiri, and Guido's hurting. Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!" Tajiri's rummaging around under the ring apron, and comes up with a table. Crowd: "Ta-ble! Ta-ble! Ta-ble!", as Tajiri sets the table up leaning against the near corner turnbuckles. Guido's dragged himself back to ringside, and ducks as a Tajiri chop goes wide of the mark. Guido's counter-punch hits, however, and he follows it with a standing guillotine leg drop over the top rope that levels Tajiri. Guido hollers for Big Sal E. to toss him a chair, which he does. Guido starts kicking on Tajiri, who's huddled in the corner trying to escape Guido's hail of kicks. Two chops across the neck by Guido set up an Irish Whip of Tajiri into the table. Tajiri's got other plans, reverses, and Guido slams on the brakes to JUST avoid colliding with the table. Tajiri's found the chair, but his swing at Guido's head misses, and the chair ends up somewhere in Kansas. Tajiri's follow-up buzzsaw kick connects, but the second kick is caught by Guido, who counters with a spinebuster and a near fall. Guido's yelling at the fans at ringside, telling them to shut up. (Hey, who's the heel here?) And speaking of ringside, there's a fan wearing a Cactus Jack "Wanted: Dead!" T-shirt. Way cool! You ROCK, sir! Guido does a snap-mare that sends Tajiri to the canvas again. Running rebound off the ropes by Guido ends in a flying double boot to Tajiri's face. Lateral press, hook the far leg, 1,2,no! Another whip by Guido is countered with a handspring elbow by Tajiri, flattening Little Guido, and Aw shoot! They're not gonna... Yup, looks like they are... Commercials Ill-timed and not necessary, Mr. Director. We come back to find Tajiri lying on a table in the middle of the ring, and Little Guido getting ready to leap on him from atop Big Sal E's shoulders. Guido's ready to fly, but Tajiri leaps up and spews the "Green Mist" right in Big Sal E.'s eyes, blinding him, and causing Little Guido to drop face first into the table. Which doesn't break, seeing as Guido's face hit the table surface directly over the leg assembly. Ouch! Big Sal E. is hollering, and digging at his eyes, as Tajiri nails Guido with a snap suplex onto the table. Which, once again, refuses to break. JG: "I bet Little Guido wishes he was in WCW, where they use pre-cut tables!" Tajiri with a cover, 1,2, Guido kicks out! Tajiri tosses the table out of the ring, then stalks Guido. He tosses Guido into the corner HARD, then hangs him on the "Tree of Woe". Tajiri finds, then stomps a chair into Guido's face. JS:" Oh my GOD!" Crowd's doing a combination "ECW!" and "Little Guido!" chant, in "round" form. It sounds pretty good. Japanese sleeper hold by Tajiri is broken when Guido hooks a leg through the ropes. Tajiri kicks the chair from the ring, then hits two chops ("Whooooo!" go the fans at ringside) on Guido. An Irish Whip by tajiri gets reversed, but the springbard elbow gets countered with Guido's Hangman's neckbreaker, and a cover,1,2,not this time. Big Sal E. is still digging at his face, trying to clear his eyes. Another whip by Guido gets reversed, and Guido hits the mat back first. Charge-in by Tajiri gets a boot in the gut, followed by the "Sicilian Slice", so-called because it really slices your head off. Cover by Guido, 1,2, Tajiri kicks out! Guido's getting frustrated, and sets up for the Tornado DDT finisher. Tajiri counters by crotching Guido onto the top turnbuckle, nails him with a chop, then hits the super-brainbuster from the top turnbuckle for the win. Judge Jeff jones is with ECW World Heavyweight Champion mike Awesome. "Mike Awesome's fist is like a judge's gavel, and when you're in contempt of MY court, he is going to pound on you, until you're definitely...!" Awesome shoves the Judge away, then (Aagh!) speaks: "That is definitely all BULLSHIT! I am the ECW World Heavyweight Champion, and anybody who tries to take this belt from me, well, they're trying to take money out of my pocket! I've bled across four continents for this belt, and NOBODY is gonna take this belt away from me, because this belt is the only belt in the world that means ANYTHING! Grrrr!" Commercials 1wrestlingdotcom replay shows highlights of the last match, including the match-winning super-brainbuster. JG: " Ooohhh-hohohooo! I bet THAT hurt like hell!" Mr. Cameraman is shooting from inside an elevator. A close-up shot of the control panel reveals three floors, with the word "Hell" scrawled next to the Floor 1 button in crayon. Jeez, it must be hot in there! Must be all those red mood lights we see reflected off the stainless steel elevator doors. The doors open, and Reverend James Vandenberg is seated in front of a table and holding a pack of tarot cards. The table's covered with what looks like a blue Indian rug from Wal-Mart. "Welcome, I'm so glad you could join me for a reading." "At the top of the deck, we have "The World". This represents ECW. Now in the world of ECW we have... "The torrid romance of "The Lovers", Raven and Francine, followed closely, and in a jealous rage by... Tommy Dreamer. Which brings us to... "The Emperor", who we all know, wears no clothes. Hey, Paul, time to stop watching those Dawn Marie videos, hah? Well, well... "The High Priestess." Clearly this is the executive concubine of the Impact Players, Dawn Marie. From where I stand, she's not high, she's just a ditz! "The Page of Swords." If Kimberley's not coming, we're not booking him! Speaking of feminine pulchritude, we have... "The Queen of Cups". Clearly, this is Elektra. When I knew her, she was a B, but thanks to modern science, she's clearly a Double D! And now we have... "Justice." Cyrus, there is no justice in ECW. That's why YOU work for TNN. "Well, that's your reading. Now get the HELL out of here; oh, and if you ever need me again, (flips over "The Devil") here's my card!" Hahahahahahaha... Laughter continues and is joined by Mikey Whipwreck who's been lurking (with intent?) under the table all this time. Whipwreck laughs crazily with "Vandy-poo", tips over the table, and starts rolling around on the floor. The elevator doors shut mercifully. I need a shower after that. "Da Baldies" are at ringside, getting set for their match, as we go to Commercials Match #2: Danny Doring & Roadkill (w/ Tommy Dreamer) d. "Da Baldies" (8:05) Angel had been messing with the fans at ringside, when Doring called him on it, and said that "If you're the "King of the Street Fight? Well, howza 'bout we have ourselves a 'Kansas City Streetfight' right here tonight?!" After "Da Baldies" recover from laughing, Angel says that Doring and the "Chicken Choker" only have two guys, and where they gonna find somebody dumb enough to join their team just to get the crap knocked out of him? Out comes Tommy Dreamer and away we go! It's a brawl from the get-go, with Grimes and Dreamer pairing up for the first bit of in-ring action. Dreamer misses a charge-in, hits the ring post with his shoulder, and slumps to the floor. Grimes on the middle turnbuckle, headbutts Dreamer in the "in-seam!" DeVito and Doring are brawling outside the ring. Whip to the far corner by Grimes, but the bronco-buster gets two punches in the nuts by Tommy Dreamer, Tommy then picks up a... Jeez, is that a PIZZA CUTTER ?! Yep, and grimes is busted open big time. Two more slices and Grimes is on the mat, bleeding badly, while Tommy's playing to the fans. Just LOOK at those flashbulbs going off! Whoops, angel's back in and nails Dreamer in the neck. Doring's in the ring, as Dreamer rolls out, and gets nailed by an Angel clothesline. Outside the ring, DeVito is clobbering Roadkill with a chair, while Grimes crotches Tommy Dreamer on the steel guardrail. Doring hits the "G-spot Sweep" on Angel, as Grimes nails Dreamer with a chair across the back, and we see Roadkill being whipped into the steel guardrail behind them. In the ring, Doring's playing to the crowd as, outside, Dreamer reverses a whip and sends Grimes into the steel guardrail. Back in the ring, DeVito plants Doring with the uranage, but doesn't see Roadkill on the top turnbuckle. Quick cutaway spots Dreamer hammering Grimes in the back with a chair. Back in the ring, and Roadkill nails DeVito with a 300+ lbs springboard clothesline. Crowd's doing a "ECW!" and "Roadkill" chant simultaneously. And NOBODY'S in their seat. "Dirt Road Slam" by Roadkill, cover, 1,2, DeVito kicks out. JS: "All hell has broken loose in this six-man "Kansas City Streetfight," (powerslam from Roadkill, as Dreamer's found a table) "and remember, there's a bounty on Tommy Dreamer's head, and dreamer is fighting to survive again this week!" Roadkill drops the elbow across DeVito's chest, then motions for the table. Crowd: "Ta-ble! Ta-ble! Ta-ble!" Roadkill wallops DeVito and dumps him on the table, while Tommy Dreamer suplexes Grimes onto the stage. Roadkill climbs to the top rope, flies, but misses as DeVito rolls off, and Roadkill collapses the table, landing on his right elbow. DeVito's not much better, being trapped in the corner by the table's debris and Roadkill's massive bulk. Meanwhile, Doring's brought a steel guardrail to ringside, and Dreamer's got a ladder. Looks like things are gonna get jacked up a couple of notches. Dreamer puts the ladder on the top turnbuckle, goes to fetch Grimes, but his Irish Whip gets reversed, and Dreamer hits the ladder HARD with his chest. DeVito goes after Doring, as does Angel, who stomps Doring into the corner. Doring goes for the ride and collides with the ladder. All three "Baldies" are up, standing over their respective opponents, getting ready for the final beat-down when YEOWTCH! Three testicular claws applied by Doring, Roadkill and Tommy Dreamer. The faces regroup, Roadkill goes outside and bounces a steel chair off Grimes' noggin, as Doring sets up the ladder and goes after Angel. Dreamer, after hanging DeVito on the "Tree of Woe" then bounces up and down on Grimes' groin. Angel grabs Dreamer off DeVito and nails him with a spinebuster. No follow-up, as Doring hits the "Bareback of Joy" (wha...?) on Angel. Dreamer and Doring are setting up the ladder against the far ropes, and teeter-totter head shots on DeVito and Grimes. Roadkill tosses the steel guardrail into the ring, but gets slammed on it by Grimes. Dreamer and Doring are brawling with DeVito and Angel at ringside. Grimes to the top turnbuckle, tries a "Swanton Bomb", but Roadkill rolls out of the way, and Grimes eats a whole lot of guardrail. Dreamer's back in and DDT's Grimes on the guardrail. JG: "Looks like Dreamer's too hurt to cover him!" Doring and Roadkill up on opposite turnbuckles. Doring drops the "Dan-aconda" on Grimes, but busts his backside on the guardrail doing it! Roadkill poses on the top turnbuckle, and the crowd's going crazy. WHAM! Amish Splash! Dreamer does the piling-on thingie... Never seen a red flapjack before.... 1,2,3, and we've got winners, Danny Doring, Roadkill, and Tommy Dreamer. ECWwrestlingdotcom has "Pervo Pics" up! Says so right here. Get them bookmarks ready! ECW arena schedule: 4/4 Norfolk,VA 4/6 Cleveland, OH 4/7 Warren, OH 4/8 at the "Flick" in Buffalo, NY (TNN taping) 4/13 Indianapolis, IN 4/14 Evansville, IN 4/16 St. Charles, MO (debut show in St. Louis area) 4/21 Bethlehem, PA (Cyberslam Weekend 2K part 1) 4/22 ECW Arena, Philadelphia, PA (Cyberslam Weekend 2K part 2) 4/27 Utica, NY 4/28 Schenectady, NY 4/29 Poughkeepsie, NY JG: "Coming up, Super Crazy, defends the ECW World Television title against...Cyrus?" Commercials Match #3: Super Crazy d. Rhino (w/ "Team Network") ECW World Television Title defense (8:37) We come back to Cyrus hollering at Super Crazy, who's already in the ring. "Now's the time that the Network, the Network takes control!" Cyrus peels off his jacket. JG: "Look at this yutz!" JS: "He's actually going to wrestle Super Crazy!" "And just like my favorite Mexican wrestler, Mil Mascaras, I am ready to beat you for the TV Title, but you know what? Just because I said it was "a stipulation", guess what gringo? T his is TV, this is Network! Don't be a mark! Nobody in television, nobody in wrestling, stands by stipulations. You probably thought people were gonna retire! You probably thought you'd get a clean finish on Nitro! You probably thought you were gonna wrestle me here tonight, but noooooo... I'm not gonna dirty my hands on you, Super Chico! Tonight, your opponent will be , Rhinooooo!" Rhino charges the ring and starts the beat-down on Super Crazy. A whip to the ropes by Rhino gets countered into a hip-toss by Super Crazy. Second rope moonsault misses, but Rhino's clothesline doesn't. As Rhino stomps on Super Crazy, Steve Corino and Jack Victory come out to ringside. Corino and Victory put a table in the ring. Rhino whips Super Crazy into the corner, but the charge-in hits turnbuckle rather than wrestler. Super Crazy with a punch to the face of Rhino, followed by an over-the-top-rope spinning heel kick, leveling the big man. Rhino bails out, and an attempt to climb back in gets a baseball slide in the chest from Super Crazy. The "Insane Luchadore" goes up top, and nails all three members of Team Network with the same Giant Splash! Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!" Ringside looks like a car wreck. Rhino climbs back into the ring, just in time to get the "Ten-Count Punch-Down" from Super Crazy, with the crowd counting along "en Espagnol!" Swinging DDT on Rhino, and Super Crazy goes for the cover, 1,2,no! Super Crazy does some "stylin' and profilin'" for the crowd, then gets gorilla slammed face first into the mat by Rhino. Crazy staggers to his feet directly in front of the table, but counters Rhino's attempted spear with a dropkick to the quadriceps. Back to the corner for another "Ten-Count Punch-Down" but this time Super crazy gets powerbombed by Rhino, who hooks the far leg and covers, 1,2, Super Crazy kicks out! Rhino's up first, and bounces Super Crazy's head off the top turnbuckle. Rhino hits a series of kicks followed by grinding the boot into Super Crazy's neck, while Cyrus is screaming abuse into Super Crazy's ear from ringside. Gorilla press to a cross-the-throat "Hot-Shot' off the top ropes by Rhino, and Super Crazy's in real trouble now! Snap mare by Rhino into a reverse chinlock, and everybody takes a rest for a couple of moments. JS:" The fans are rallying behind the 'Insane Luchadore!" Super Crazy breaks free, but crawls into The Bad Part of Town, and gets punched in the head by Jack Victory. Rhino with a couple of punches and a chop or two, but a whip to the ropes gets reversed. Rhino takes a boot in the gut, but Crazy's run-in gets a back body drop over the ropes. Crazy lands on his feet, and headbutts Rhino in the stomach through the ropes. A series of forearms, and Rhino's down. Super Crazy goes up top, MOONSAULT, but only gets a 2-cout as Rhino kicks out. Chinlock by Super Crazy, and we all rest again, but Crazy wants a snack, and starts gnawing on Rhino's forehead. Crazy goes over to stare down Corino and Victory at ringside, then turns and gets booted in the gut by Rhino. Rhino sets for the powerbomb, but Super Crazy starts hammering on his head, and Rhino counters by running himself and Super Crazy straight through the table in the corner! Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!" Rhino drags Crazy from the wreckage, covers, but incredibly only gets two! Both men on their feet, and Rhino does another gorilla press slam, but Crazy lands on his feet. Super Crazy then launches himself off the ropes at Rhino's head, hooks Rhino into a Victory Roll, but only gets two. Rhino with a massive powerbomb on Super Crazy, but no pinfall comes of it. Rhino wants a table, and Team Network are glad to provide, as always. Rhino sets it up and has Super Crazy on the top turnbuckle all ready for the superplex through the table... but Crazy golottas Rhino with a forearm, and SUPER SUNSET FLIP through the table! And that's good for 1,2,3! Super Crazy defends the ECW World Television Title. Afterward, Team Network and Cyrus charge the ring to exact revenge on Super Crazy. This brings out the Sandman, with beer, cane and Metallica accompaniment. HUGE POP from the crowd! Two beers and he's in the ring beating the hell out of everybody with the Singapore cane. Rhino gets whacked several times, and tries to get out of the ring. Sandman, chasing him, eats a super-kick from Steve Corino, and down he goes. Rhino grabs the semi-conscious Super Crazy in a bear hug, and does a running powerslam through Sandman and the corner table. That's all you say? Not quite... Cyrus has the microphone again. "Before you set your VCR's for Roller Jam, I got a little 60 second Public Service Announcement! "Stand him up!" This to Corino and Victory, who crucify Sandman between them, and Rhino starts walloping him with the Singapore cane. Rhino then gets the Sandman's beer, takes a big ol' guzzle, and spits most of it back into Sandman's face. Cyrus: "Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've all learned, that nobody, and I mean (points to Sandman on the mat) NOOOO-BODY stands up to the Network!" Closing credits. Great show! See y'all next week! E.C. Ostermeyer [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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