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/14 April 2000

ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer




This is your weekly sojourn into the Arena of Extreme, XPW counter-suits to the contrary.
Yes, it's the "ECW on TNN" recap for Friday, 14 April 2000, and I'm ol' "Ezzard Charles" himself!

Go ahead and look it up, sports fans. I'll wait...
Interesting, hah?

We open this week's much anticipated show live on tape (8 April 2000) from the good ol' "Flick", the Burt Flickenger Center, in the best kept secret in upstate New York, Buffalo. Just a great town, with some very friendly and helpful folks. Any city that gets food named after it is okay in my book!
The "Flick" is a cavernous, shopworn, but loveable old horror, smelling of cigars, stale beer, and thoroughly used men's rooms. Battered basketball goals hang at regular intervals, and the seating seems to disappear near the haze-shrouded ceiling.
Tonight, this place is PACKED with thousands of howling fans, all of whom neatly fit into the "18-24 year old Male" demographic that Don "Cyrus the Virus" Callis says The Network is targetting.

Your hosts are Joey "Didja catch my infomercial?" Styles and Joel

"Some girls like it hard and fast
"Some like it nice and slow
"But tonight they're gonna like it
"However the hell they get it
"'Cause I've got a whim
"For some trim
"In Buffalo..."


Well the crowd certainly likes Mr. Gertner's poetic talent, and gives him a "Gertner! Gertner! Gertner!" chant as we go to

Opening Credits
Montage showing Rob Van Dam, the Impact Players, Francine airing out her "chooch" on Dawn Marie, Rhino spearing Lori "Miz Sandman" Fullington through a table, Sandman himself enjoying a smoke, a beer, and a self-inflicted skull fracture, Tommy Dreamer introducing Justin Credible's noggin to the canvas, and


We interrupt these Opening Credits for a still picture of Tazz, ratty old black towel wrapped around his head, and a chyron that reads "Late Breaking News: TAZZ Shocks the Entire Wrestling World In This Hour Of ECW!"

(Oh my god, he's killed and EATEN little Elian Gonzales!
You bastard!)

Paul Heyman, using his best kayfabe voice, says "Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this episode of "ECW on TNN" for an urgent news bulletin! Last night, April 13th, at the Murat Center in Indianapolis, IN, former ECW World Heavyweight Champion, the "Human Wrecking Machine," Tazz, shocked the entire wrestling world. Exclusive footage of the events that took place last night at the Murat Center involving the "Human Wrecking Machine," Tazz will be shown later on in this hour exclusively on the Friday Night ThrillZone. Tazz has shocked the entire wrestling world! We will have it for you, tonight on ECW!"

(Naw, it can't be little Elian Gonzales. Hey, maybe Tazz has slept with Janet Reno, and gotten her knocked up? Boy, imagine what THAT kid would look like!)

And we come back to

Match #1: Rhino (w/ Steve Corino & Jack Victory of "Team Network") d. Kid Cash.( we saw 0:30 or so.)
This was a short match to begin with, and we get to see the last thirty seconds of it. Rhino spears Kid Cash, then spikes him with a massive piledriver for the cover and the win. Corino's in to congratulate Rhino, who's glowering at the fans, as we hear from

Joey Styles (JS): "Tonight, RVD confronts The Network!"

The new (?) "Sandman: Drunk 24-7" T-shirt is available. Just the thing for that wedding rehearsal dinner you've been invited to. There's the New Jack T-Shirt, and the new Ballz Mahoney T-Shirt, the Impact Players T-Shirt, and...(?)
Holy cow! A brand new, genuine Mike Awesome T-Shirt! Bet these will get dumped into the quick sale bin real fast. Heyman should have gotten WCW to take the whole bunch off his hands as part of that double six-figure deal!
ECW "Hardcore Heaven" PPV promo shows that awful bump Little Spike Dudley took. "Hardcore" is right!
"Road Trip" flick promo, wherein Tom Green eats a live mouse! Oh yeah, that'll make me want to fork over fifteen bucks to sit in filth in the dark.
Geico insurance. That laughing Airedale is cool.
1-800-CALL-ATT promo, minus David Arquette-Cox.
Pep Boys Manny, Moe, and Jack love you, just not THAT way!
MusicSpacedotcom has "Monster Madness!" It's just jam-packed full of '80's "Big Hair Band" hits. Should be about four tracks worth, and two of those are Def Leppard.

We come back to Jazz really signifyin' that she's "gonna kill that Dawn Marie Bytch, but I am NOT goin' to jail over this "skank ho'!"
Jazz opens door that has a "No Loitering" sign on it, revealing Minister James Vandenberg and Mikey Whipwreck. Mikey's playing with fire, burning Tarot cards and grinning idiotically.
"Devil Man, I am not goin' to jail over this Dawn Marie Bytch, so you need to pull up this voodoo black magic (bleeeeeeep) bitch!"
"Jazzzz," purrs Vandy, "I'd never dream of turning down a request from a creature as... allur-r-r-ing as you. But, it's gonna cost yaaaa...!" Vandy wiggles his tongue suggestively at Jazz.
"Ex-cuse me?!" says Jazz, getting some inkling of what dealing with Minister Vandenberg may actually entail.
"Well, I thought we'd drink a little beer, and then...I'm in the mood for some SEX! Whattaya say?!"
(Well, he's direct, and to the point, I must say.)
"You're one nasty, DIRTY little devil!", says Jazz, as she storms out of the room. "What you need to do, is get your ass in CHURCH, that's what YOU need to do!", and slams the door behind her.
Mikey Whipwreck is bemused.
"Whoa! Hey, padre, is she always such a wench, or just on Friday?"
"I guess she just doesn't like to drink beer, Mikey! Hahahahahahaha!"
Mikey finds this hilarious, and starts laughing too, as he sets fire to the whole pack of Tarot cards spread out on the floor in front of him. There's a human skull conveniently at hand, to lend a spooky atmosphere, I guess.

Heyman's back on with the "Late Breaking News" chyron agan, shilling the Awesome/Tazz match later in the program.

The Impact Players make their entrance for the next match, as Joey Styles explains that Nova and Chris Chetti clobbered Jason earlier in the show, so he's not at ringside. The match will start after we return from these

Polaroid, Visine, Wendy's, Pep Boys, Lamisil fixes your nasty nail fungus, and probably causes liver and kidney side effects as well. Lucky you! TNN Arena Football has Grand Rapids v. Milwaukee, Thursday at 8PM.

JS: "Welcome back to "ECW on the Pickin' and Grinnin' Network!"
JG: "If they're pickin', why are you grinnin'?"

Match #2: The Impact Players (w/ Dawn Marie) d. Nova & Chris Chetti (foreign object [Credible with Tag Title belt]/pin by Storm on Chetti: 9:28)

A superb match top to bottom. The Impact players are underused on the "ECW on TNN"; a pity, since they always put on a great show.
The match opens with Justin Credible and Chris Chetti doing some superb chain wrestling moves, which ends with a failed corkscrew piledriver attempt by Credible, with Chetti failing his signature "Amityville Horror" finisher, but converts into a Victory Roll that Credible just manages to break out of.
Tag to their respective partners, and it's Lance Storm and Nova that put on a show for the fans, matching move for move. A Lance Storm leg sweep gets countered by a cartwheel from the agile Nova,
Credible tries to interfere, but Chetti bounces him off the ring apron, and Credible gets a bonus hot-shot on the steel guardrail.
Storm and Credible end up outside the ring, and Nova nails both of them with a top turnbuckle plancha to the floor.
Nova throws Storm back into the ring, and goes for his "NovaCaine" finisher, but Credible kicks him off. Credible has Nova in the corner with a fists and feet barrage, then tags in Lance Storm, who takes over. Chetti's leading the crowd ("Justin SUCKS! Justin SUCKS!"), as Nova begins to regain momentum. There's a chop ("Whoooo!") and another ("Whoooo!"), and Nova's going for the flying cross-body. Storm counters with a single-leg Boston Crab. Credible's in the ring and double-teaming Nova. Chris Chetti tries to enter but referee Jim Mullinaux only sees Chetti's illegal entry, and sends him back outside, all the while oblivious to the beat-down occurring in the opposite corner. Credible swaps with Storm, (no tag made), and stymies a Nova comeback with a spinning DDT. Tag to Lance Storm, who calls for a table. The fans at ringside start the "Table! Table! Table!" chant as Storm sets up a "leaner" in the far corner. Whoops, Storm took too long, and Nova comes charging out of the corner. NovaCaine on Storm, and Nova tags Chetti. Justin Credible's in for the dewperation save, but Chetti counters with a scissor kick, then nails Credible with his "Amityville Horror" finisher. Cover,1,2, Storm just breaks it up! What looks like a kick-boxing tournament breaks out between Chetti and Lance Storm, which ends with a superkick from Storm, but no pin fall. The match gets away from referee Jim Mullinaux at this point, as Nova comes in and really pastes Storm with a DDT, but only gets a 2-count. Lance finds a chain and waffles Nova with it, but it's not enough for a win. Meanwhile Chetti puts Justin Credible through the table. There's a cover, 1,2, Dawn Marie breaks it up. Jazz comes out and attacks Dawn Marie. A furious Lance Storm piledrives Jazz into the canvas. Chetti goes after Storm, and almost has him powerbombed, but Justin Credible comes up with the Tag Title belt and waffles Chetti with it. Storm hooks the legs, and gets the pin and the win.

Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six for N64, PS, and Gameboy Color.
David Arquette-Cox is wearing a kid's sheriff's outfit, accosting human females, and shilling for 1-800-CALL-ATT. Git a rope! Hrblockdotcom.
Manny, Moe & Jack., again.
The O'Reilly Nationals on TNN Motorsports.
RollerJam! Now with genuine "hardcore" wrasslin' weaponry! I can't wait until the World Skate League "Action Figures" come out, can you?

The 1Wrestlingdotcom Extreme Replay shows Dawn Marie's interference, Jazz' payback on Dawn Marie, and Lance Storm nailing Jazz with the piledriver, and...

We cut to footage from Thursday night in the Murat Center, Indianapolis, IN. Judge Jeff Jones and ECW soon-to-be-ex World Heavyweight champion Mike Awesome are in the ring. Jones is frantically waving his arms at something off stage left. The camera pans around past a forest of cheering fans...
And there's Tazz at the top of the entryway, as his WWF theme music fires up.

Match #3: Tazz d. Mike Awesome (w/ Judge Jeff Jones) for the ECW World Heavyweight Title (Tazzmission/Awesome submits: 1:15)

Styles is hollering that the ECW locker room at this show has been decimated by Team Network in general, and Rhino in particular. Awesome apparently "showed up unannounced", and dared anybody left in the locker room to come out and take the Heavyweight Title belt away from him.
Looks like he got his wish.
Tazz stalks to the ring, as Judge Jeff Jones is looking for convenient exits. Looks like we've got two different video tapes of the same action, one by ECW's Mr. Cameraman, and something that looks as if it was shot by "Bob the Fan!"
Awesome's just standing there, only just now figuring out how Paul Heyman planned to get the Heavyweight title belt away from him.

Tazz is on the ring apron, and shoots Awesome "the bird!" Once in the ring, Tazz wastes no time in dominating the match, as Joey Styles opines that the WWF's Vince McMahon might not even know where Tazz is at the moment. (Pull the other one, Joey!)
Awesome quickly moves the action to outside of the ring, and begins to dominate, until Tazz takes over and rolls Awesome back in the ring. Awesome gets an Irish Whip into the corner, but comes right back out. Awesome shoves Tazz into the referee, (surprised?), then Tommy Dreamer charges the ring and DDT's Awesome. Tazz, back up, gives the throat-cutting gesture over Awesome, then locks on the Tazzmission. Awesome taps out, and Tazz has reclaimed the ECW World Heavyweight Title that he lost at "Anarchy Rulz!"
After the match, Awesome is shown leaving the Murat Center under less- than-happier circumstances, as the ECW Secuirty "Black Suits" are forced to cut him a path through the crowd to the back door. Jeez, Heyman's not even allowing Awesome to leave via backstage!
Back in the ring, Tazz and Dreamer eye each other, but Dreamer raises Tazz' hand in victory, to the wild cheering of the fans at ringside.

ECWwrestlingdotcom says Mikey Whipwreck may be straying from the influence of the "Sinister Minister," what with Elektra half-naked and all.

ECW arena schedule:

4/15 St. Charles, MO (Wrestlepalooza Meet 'n' Greet)
4/16 St. Charles, MO (Wrestlepalooza house show)(TV taping)
4/21 Bethlehem, PA (Cyberslam 2000, part 1)
4/22 ECW Arena in South Philly (Cyberslam 2000 part 2)
4/27 Utica, NY
4/28 Schenectady, NY
4/29 Poughkeepsie, NY
5/5 Duluth, MN
5/6 Minneapolis, MN
5/14 Milwaukee, WI ("Hardcore Heaven" PPV)

Nothing more to see here, folks. Move along, please.

Match #4: Yoshihiro Tajiri d. Super Crazy and Little Guido (w/ Big Sal E. Graziano) in a Three Way Dance for the ECW World Television Title. (Rhino interfered/ Tajiri pins Super Crazy: 13:55)

Before the match, Little Guido and Tajiri are apparently having some difference of opinion about who is going to do what. Guido offers his hand to Tajiri, who just stares at it. Super Crazy makes his entrance, finds and approves a fan's sign that says "Viva la Raza!", then lunges into the ring and nails both Guido and Tajiri with a springboard pescado double clothesline off the top rope. Crazy stomps away at both opponenets, but a superkick on Tajiri gets countered with a buzzsaw kick. Tajiri ties Crazy to the Tree of Woe, but gets his feet snatched from under him by Big Sal E. Graziano, who crotches him around the ring post. Guido gets in a double stomp to the forehead, and Tajiri's hurting. Guido then spots Super Crazy still hanging from the Tree of Woe, attempts a baseball slide to the noggin, but Crazy ducks it, and Guido slides through onto the floor. Crazy sets to plancha Tajiri, but the "Japanese Buzzsaw" is too fast for him, and kicks Super Crazy off the top turnbuckle and down to the floor. Guido's up top, and hits a Sicilian Slice on Tajiri from the same top turnbuckle. Guido with the cover, 1,2, no!
Guido's arguing with the referee about the slowness of the count, then turns and gets a flying double boot to the face from Super Crazy. Tajiri recovers, and does a tilt-a-whirl flying head scissors on Super Crazy. Irish Whip by Tajiri sends Super Crazy into a head first slide under the bottom rope and out to the floor. Guido's there to receive him, and gets in a fast couple of kicks on Super Crazy. Little Guido's on the ring apron, only to be met by a stiff side kick from Tajiri, followed by getting the feet knocked from under him by Super Crazy, and hitting his chin on the ring apron as he falls to the floor.
Tajiri does an Asahi moonsault from the second rope that nails both Guido and Super Crazy. Tajiri stops to do some properly fierce mugging for Mr. Cameraman, only to catch a Big Sal E. Graziano avalanche in the back of the neck. Sal whips Tajiri into the steel guardrail, but Tajiri's agile enough to vault the railing and land in the crowd. Little Guido and Big Sal then double-whip Super Crazy into the steel guardrail, which Crazy hits with impressive force. A charge-in by Guido gets a back body drop over the railing from Crazy. Big Sal tries the same thing, but Super Crazy steps aside, and powers the big man chest-first into the railing. Jeez, it looked like the whole building moved on that last move! Super Crazy backs up and does a plancha off the back of Big Sal onto Guido and Tajiri. Back in the ring, Super Crazy hangs a chair off the ring post, then taunts Big Sal E. into charging at him. Sal obliges, eats a turnbuckle, and we are treated to the "Ten-Count Punch-Down" by Super Crazy on Big Sal, with the fans counting along "en Espagnol." At "nueva!", Super Crazy jumps down, and nails Big Sal right in the head with the steel chair for "diez!"
Whoops, he's not watching his back, and Tajiri buzzsaws another kick through the steel chair and into Crazy's head. Guido sneaks up and catches Tajiri in a hangman's neckbreaker. Cover, 1,2, and Tajiri kicks out.
Guido then turns his attention to Super Crazy, who takes a wild swing that Guido easily converts into a side suplex, and a cover, 1,2, Crazy kicks out.
Guido, after kicking Tajiri, rolls Super Crazy to the outside and whips him into the railing. Crazy tries a float-over, but Guido's there to grab his legs and face plant him onto the floor. Ouch!
And double "Ouch!' when Guido turns and eats a buzzsaw kick from Tajiri, who then front body drops Guido chest-first across the top of the steel guardrail. Another stiff kick to Guido's back, followed by a really vicious side kick to the face, and Tajiri can turn his attention to Super Crazy.
Tajiri whips Super Crazy into the steel guardrail, and Crazy's just busted wide open. Tajiri back in the ring, and sets up a steel chair. Little Guido crawls into the ring, gets leaned on the chair seat by Tajiri, and then gets the chair back kicked into his face, which busts him open as well! Tajiri adds insult to injury by driving the edge of the chair into Guido's bleeding forehead. While Guido's crawling around trying to clear the blood from his eyes, Tajiri sets up a table in the ring. After kicking Guido to the outside of the ring, Tajiri drags him back up on the ring apron and the double kicks the table, spearing Little Guido in the process. Tajiri mugs for the crowd, then leaps on Guido with a double axe-handle, driving him to the floor. At which point, Big Sal E. hits a double axe-handle of his own on Tajiri's neck.
Little Guido and Big Sal work over Tajiri, and succeed in busting him open as well
Tajiri tries to crawl under the ring apron, but Guido, after nailing Super Crazy with an elbow, goes and digs him out, allowing Big Sal to waffle Tajiri with a steel chair. Back in the ring, and Guido bounces Tajiri's head off the table, as Big Sal sets up another table on the floor outside the ring. Two forearms and then Guido whips Tajiri across the ring. But the Japanese Buzzsaw spots Big Sal setting up for the punch o' doom, and does a handspring that plants both his feet in Big Sal's face, knocking him off the apron and through the table on to the floor at ringside!
Wow! That one could be measured on the Richter Scale!
Guido's got Tajiri in a sleeper hold, but Tajiri reverses it into a spinning "Gory Guerrero Special", and Guido ends up tossed across the ring. Tajiri slumps against the ring ropes momentarily, then does a scoop slam on Guido, followed by four stiff knee drops to the chest and head. Chair shot by Tajiri, and down goes Guido. Tajiri spots Super Crazy climbing back in the ring, and buzzsaws another kick to Crazy's head. Tajiri stacks two steel chairs and a table on top of Guido, puts Super Crazy on top of the table, and does a senton bomb through the table. Super Crazy ducks out at the last minute, so Guido takes the full force of the senton. Super Crazy sees an opportunity, and scrambles on top of the wreckage for the cover, to be joined by Tajiri, and both he and both men get the pin on Little Guido.

As Tajiri keeps the pressure on Super Crazy, Big Sal collects Little Guido, and the ref tries to clear away the wreckage in the ring. Tajiri nails Super Crazy with a couple of stiff double kicks to the chest and head, then does the spinning "Gory Guerrero" thingie again.
German suplex and a bridge, 1,2, Crazy kicks out!
Steve Corino and Jack Victory of Team Network come out to cheer Tajiri on, as the crowd hollers "RVD! RVD! RVD!"
Tajiri saunters back from the Corino pep talk, only to get powerbombed by Super Crazy, and then eat a springboard moonsault off the second rope. Cover by Super Crazy, 1,2,no!
Tajiri's looking defeat in the face, and so...

JS: "Green Mist! Green Mist!"
But Super Crazy ducks, and the referee takes the goo full in the face. Tornado powerbomb by Super Crazy, and a cover, but there's no referee, so Super Crazy does his own three count. Crazy's setting up a table of his own in the ring.
Yikes! Rhino's in the ring!
Super Crazy leap-frogs his first charge, but Rhino connects with the second, goring Super Crazy. Rhino picks up Super Crazy, stands on the ring apron, and (Yeowtch!) piledrives Crazy through a ringside table to the floor. Rhino rolls Super Crazy back into the ring, and drags the limp Tajiri across Crazy's body, and newly arrived referee Jim Mullinaux gives the one, two, three. Tajiri wins the ECW World Television title, and the rest of Team Network, including Cyrus, is there to celebrate!
"Ladies and gentlemen, the new ECW World Televison Champion, is the man who will hand over that title to The Network, Yoshihiro Tajiri! I'm bigger than life! I'm bigger than God, by God! I'm Network! I'm TNN! I'm TNN, and I'm drunk...on...power! I'm TNN!"

Somebody say "drunk?"

Metallica cranks up "Enter Sandman", and the Flick just erupts!

JS: "Did he say he was drunk on power?!"
JG: "Yes, he did. And he's about to come face to face with the most powerful drunk I know!"

Team Network and the fans looking all over the Flick for... ah, there he is.
Beer, cigarettes, and Singapore cane in tow. The fans are howling the lyrics, as the Sandman makes his way to the ring, and we go to

Commercials. Quickly.
ECW's 1-900 number. ECW "Hardcore Heaven '99 video. Wendy's burgers. Geico insurance. TNN Thrill Zone Friday promo.

We come back to see that the Sandman has started without us. Corino, Victory and Tajiri are all sprawled around the ring, holding various parts of their respective anatomies and being quite vocal about it.
It's just the Sandman and Rhino.
Let the beat-down commence!
Whoops, Rhino just ducks under a swipe of the Singapore cane from the Sandman, but the next one connects, staggering him. there's another, and another, and another, and the Sandman is looking puzzled as Rhino won't stay down. Two more cracks with the cane, and Rhino's still on his feet, but getting wobbly. Sandman steps up to the plate, chokes up, there's a line drive over the left field fence, and
Rhino's finally down. Time for a cold one, and a little head injury from the beer can. Then the Sandman really goes to work, just waling away on Rhino with the cane, until Cyrus jumps into the fray, and distracts the Sandman.
Cyrus is holding that TNN Access Badge out in front of him like wolfsbane before a werewolf.
With about as much effect.

The Sandman looks amused...

JS: "Yes! Yes! Hit him! Crack him a good one!"
JG: "Cane the crap outta him Sandman! Hey Cyrus! RollerJam your way outta this one!"

...chokes up on the Singapore cane real tight...

but Corino grabs for the cane on the back swing, and Tajiri sprays the "Red Mist" in the Sandman's eyes, blinding him. Corino nails Sandman with a super kick, as Rhino picks up "Extreme Official" A.C. Lopes and charges him into the Sandman and the table with a running powerbomb. The crowd is going nuts, and chanting "RVD! RVD! RVD!", as Cyrus is laying down the law to the unconscious Sandman in the corner.

JS: "Is there anyone left here in Buffalo, anyone in the locker room, who can stop Cyrus?"

Rob Van Dam's entrance music fires up, and the Flick erupts one more time.
Van Dam arrives in the arena carried on the shoulders of Scott Anton (formerly Scotty Riggs of WCW.), with Bill "Fonzie" Alfonso at his side.
As Rob van Dam tries to enter the ring, Cyrus strts hollering at him:

"Rob Van Dam, you better not enter this ring tonight, because if you do, I'm not gonna revoke your license, no, no, no, I'm not going to cancel this godforsaken company, no, what I'm gonna do...!"

And Rhino shoves Cyrus to one side
Rhino's got the ring microphone.

"No, no, no, Cyrus, what I'M gonna do...?"

(Crowd: "RVD! RVD! RVD!" with Fonzie accompanying on his whistle.)

Rhino's incensed.
"Shut the F- UP!" , and the crowd hollers all the louder.

"Rob Van Dam, what I'm gonna do, is kick your f'n ass!"

Scott Anton's in the ring first, just raring to go, but RVD takes his time, climbs in slowly, all the while trying to calm Scott down.
Van Dam's testing his left foot and ankle, hopping on it, twisting it around to check what mobility range it has, then he lays a sweet forearm shot across the jaw of Steve Corino, knocking him clean out of the ring. Cyrus bails out at this point, with Jack Victory not far behind, and then Tajiri gets the bum's rush to the outside.
This leaves Rob Van Dam and Scott Anton facing Rhino, and Rhino's daring them to come on! The crowd is cheering like crazy...

...and Joey Styles gets the last word:

"This is what we've been waiting for! Rhino! And Rob Van Dammmm!!"

Closing credits.

Superb show.
"Nuff said!

See you next week.

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

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