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/wrestling /ECW on TNN /21 April 2000 |
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/wrestling /ECW on TNN /21 April 2000 |
ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer |
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MainBLAH |
Once again, we journey down the yellow brick road. Past the smouldering ruins of Munchkinland. Through a churned-up cornfield and a blasted orchard. Treading gingerly through a stump field of what once was a magnificent old-growth forest. And, after slogging through a muddy, picked-clean, hash-pipe littered poppy field, we see our destination looming in the distance. Yes, there, under a smoke-filled, lowering sky, it's...it's... it's the Arena of Extreme, built on the shattered remains of the once-great Emerald City. Things just haven't been the same since Dorothy got that tattoo. Oh, and I'm your recapper, the ol' "Enviromental Corruption" himself. We come to you live on tape from "WrestlePalooza" in St. Charles, MO, (taping date: 16 April 2000). This is the first opportunity for ECW to capitalize on all the exposure the promotion has received of late at the hands of the WWF, and should get more viewers tonight on TNN. We open with Padre Vandenberg, red cassock, Lee Press-On Talons, and peaky eyebrows all working overtime. He's explaining to us viewers at home the story so far. Vandy mentions that a certain former ECW World Heavyweight Champion must be in the Ninth Circle of Dante's Inferno, that area reserved for those wretches who have betrayed their benefactors. Mikey Whipwreck interrupts Vandy's soliloquy by saying that HE'S a former ECW World Champion. Vandy, perturbed, gives Mikey a shove and tells him to go start a fire. Mikey, overjoyed, departs hollering, "Fire! Fire!" The Padre says then says that he loves us all, especially our souls, Hahahahahahahaha. Opening Credits now include the Fan-Cam of Tazz' victory over Mike Awesome in Indianapolis, with Tommy Dreamer raising Tazz' hand in victory. Paul Heyman, in best kayfabe voice-over, shills tonight's action, with special mention of the extreme bullrope match. "Sex, thugs, and rock 'n' roll!" No mention about Tazz, though. Commercials (I've given up recapping the "Commercials" segment for Lent.) The sold-out Family Arena in St. Charles, MO is the venue for tonight's telecast. It's packed to the rafters with hollering, mostly male fans. (Does ECW bus this crowd from arena to arena?) Mikey Whipwreck is at the timekeeper's table. He's taken Padre Vandenberg's advice literally, it seems, and is using Tarot cards for fuel. Your hosts are Joey Styles and "Well, well, well! "It is I, "The man your mother warned you about, "The host of the program, (Joey makes a face) "The quintessential stud-muffin, (Mikey's blaze is of sizable proportions, now.) "Joel... "I was hangin' out in the back "With a blond 18-year-old named Tina "I showed her the family jewels... (Joey Styles winces, then gives Joel a look.) "Here at the Family Arena... "Gertner!" Crowd with a big pop for Joel, and a "Gertner! Gertner!" chant starts up. Joel curtsies prettily, does a pirouette, then tosses the microphone back to Joey Styles JS: (with another look at Gertner) "We are live on the only network who's corporate offices are on wheels... TNN." (Good trailer park trash inference, Joey!) Joey turns, and is shocked out of his shoes by Mikey Whipwreck's impromptu ringside barbeque. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!" Mikey laughs crazily, falls off his chair, and rolls around on the floor. Joey, shaking his head, returns to the business at hand, as the Impact Players' entrance music fires up. Gertner's immediately on point, straining to catch a glimpse of the luscious Miss Dawn Marie. The Impact Players make their entrance. Justin Credible looks like the first runner-up in the "Front Porch of "Deliverance" Look-alike Contest." Dawn Marie is wearing a very attractive outfit that emphasizes, rather than conceals, her, ummm, "assets!" Flanked by two ECW Security "Black Suits", she's keeping to the middle of the entry way, the better to avoid an egregious grope from some admiring fan. Lance Storm is just grinning like a possum, enjoying all the cheap heel heat that he's getting. On the ring apron, Lance holds the ring-ropes apart for Dawn Marie to step through. Which she does, exposing a very attractive part of her anatomy in the process. This brings hoots from the appreciative fans at ringside. Dawn Marie whips her bottom around real fast, gives the fans a look and... is that a shy smile? The tease! Joey Styles (JS): "It's become painfully obvious that you two (indicates Lance Storm & Justin Credible) are the ECW World Tag-team Champions only because, night after night, match upon match, any time your Titles are in jeopardy, Dawn Marie interferes, and saves the Titles..." (This outrages Dawn Marie, (who, I may say, is VERY lovely when she's angry!) and she's stamping her foot.) JS: "... and Jazz has said publicly that she's going to rip your ditzy little head off!" Lance Storm and Justin Credible are leaning ominously on Styles, but it's Dawn Marie that cuts loose. "Joey Styles, I am not afraid of that Jazz! You better start paying attention! There's not any woman in this company that I'M afraid of. You better realize that, and you better watch...your...mouth!" HUGE "Show your tits!" chant starts up. Dawn Marie is mortified. Lance Storm is pissed, and gesturing angrily to the crowd. JS: "So you're saying that you're not afraid of any woman in the wrestling business, you can take 'em all, is that what you're saying?" DM: "Joey Styles, you better get back to that bathroom and clean that wax out of your ears, because that's just what I'm saying. I'm not afraid of any woman in this company of any other company for that matter!" Oops, wrong thing to say! "Come Out and Play!" cranked up, and the Queen of Extreme, Francine charged into the ring, followed, (leisurely) by Raven. Dawn Marie's cowering in the corner, as Justin Credible took a baseball stance with the kendo stick to fend off the enraged Francine. Raven's there to restrain Francine, until Justin Credible spun him around and punched him in the head. This brings on: Match #1: The Impact Players d. Raven (w/ Francine) & Mikey Whipwreck: ECW World Tag-team Title defense (Credible with "That's Incredible" finisher/pin on Whipwreck, 5:31) Credible started with boots and punches to the body of Raven. Irish Whip by Credible got reversed. Credible did a somersault over and back on the top turnbuckle, then turned and ate a punch to the head. Raven came up with the Bowery Beezer Blower, but it's Lance Storm that got the faceful for trying to blind-side Raven. Raven then locked in an arm-wringer on Credible, then...he tagged in Mikey Whipwreck?! Mikey proceeded to hip-toss the heck out of the Impact Players, finishing with a hip-toss on newly arrived referee Jim Mullinaux, (who gives him a "What the HEY...?" look.) At this point the Impact Players bailed out of the ring to re-group. Whoops, bad idea, as Mikey did a full-twisting gainer off the top turnbuckle that took all of them down in a heap. It is at this point that renegade techs from "WCW Saturday Night" hi-jacked the production trailer, and the match was interrupted by a series of Commercials We're back to find Justin Credible "putting the boot in" on Mikey Whipwreck in the far corner. Credible then came up with a steel chair courtesy of Lance Storm, and Mikey got snap powerbombed onto it! Cover, 1,2, no! Tag to Lance Storm, who started right in on Mikey with a double boot to the head. Cover, but Storm only got two. Storm then pinioned Mikey for Justin Credible to use as a punching bag. Raven's attempt at rescue got shortstopped by referee Mullinaux. Credible with the bulldog face-planted Mikey into the chair seat. Hook of the far leg, cover, 1,2, Raven with the save. Justin Credible went up top and tried a "Big Chair Wallop" off the top turnbuckle, but Mikey Whipwreck got his feet up, and Credible ate a whole lot of chair real quick. Mikey tagged Raven, and Justin Credible got clobbered, then covered for a pin attempt that Lance Storm broke up. Double whip by Mikey and Raven, with Storm and Credible meeting in the middle of the ring with considerable force. Raven then came up with a chair thoughtfully provided by Francine, and a drop-toe-hold sent Credible into the chair seat. Lateral press, cover, 1,2 and this time it's Dawn Marie who made the save. This, of course, brought Francine in for the JS: "Catfight! Catfight! Catfiiiight!" Dawn Marie's positioned by Francine for her "Obligatory Fan-pleaser Chooch Airing" move, but Justin Credible walloped Francine in mid-run, and dropped her to the mat. Mikey Whipwreck to the rescue, and he nailed Credible with his Whippersnapper. Cover 1,2, Lance Storm makes the save. Whippersnapper on Lance Storm, but as Mikey's going for the pin, Credible hit the "That's Incredible" finisher on Mikey Whipwreck, and got the pin for the win. Commercials We come back, and it's Don "Cyrus the Virus" Callis who's in the ring with C.W. Anderson and Elektra. Cyrus told Anderson that nobody came to see him wrestle, then told Elektra to hit the streets and make some real money with that body of hers. Naturally, the lovely lady was incensed with this besmirchment of her character by the likes of this ant of a Network stooge. However, before Cyrus got his eyes clawed out, Lou E. Dangerously and "Beautiful" Billy Whiles arrived to drag the furious Elektra and the somewhat confused C.W. Anderson back to the locker room. Seeing his opportunity, Cyrus then berated Scotty Anton for showing up at ECW and getting involved with the in-ring action without a wrestling contract. Additionally, Cyrus trash-talked Rob Van Dam, saying that Van Dam used people like Sabu and Scotty Anton to further his own career. This brought out Mr. Anton, who seemed ready to paste Cyrus one. Cyrus, sensing an opportunity, says that instead of sic-ing the lawyers on Anton, he, Cyrus would beat the hell out of Scotty Anton all by his lonesome. Anton, at first, is elated. But, as Cyrus gave the conditions under which the match was to proceed, Anton began to smell a rat. The rat appeared in the form of Rhino, (swerved again, Scotty!) Match #2: Rhino (w/ Cyrus & Team Network) d. (?) Scotty Anton (Rhino spears ref and Anton thru table, DQ?, 4:49 or so.) Anton and Rhino trade blows early on, then Anton walloped Rhino with a series of kicks that staggered the big man, followed by a STIFF kick to Rhino's face that dropped him to the canvas. Anton's attempt at an Irish Whip got reversed by Rhino, who hot-shotted Anton off the ropes. The rest of Team Network, (Steve Corino and Jack Victory) come down to the ring as Rhino hit a powerbomb on Anton for two. Rhino then tied Anton to the Tree of Woe, and followed it up by goring Anton into the turnbuckles. Rhino then got a table, but it's Team Network who, upon entering the ring, set up the "leaner" in the corner. Anton countered by grabbing a WHOLE ROW of chairs from ringside and walloping Rhino's head with them. Anton then cleared the ring of Team Network, and hit Rhino across the nose with a forearm smash. Springboard cross-body press got a cover but no three count. Anton's second attempt was shortstopped by Corino waffling him with the cowbell from behnd. Rhino's now thoroughly enraged, and gored Anton. Rhino next gave referee Mike Keiner a boot in the gut, then speared both he and Scotty Anton through the "leaner." Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!" The bell rings at this point, meaning I guess, that the match was thrown out by the timekeeper. Rhino and the rest of Team Network celebrated... only to have "Walk" get cranked up on the PA system, which brought Rob Van Dam in at a run! RVD and Rhino started a fist-fight in the ring, but it ended with RVD walloping Rhino with his reverse heel kick. The locker-room empties with all wrestling talent pilig into the ring, ostensibly to break up the two men, but it looked more like the makings of a good pull-apart to me, as we fade to Commercials 1Wrestlingdotcom does the Extreme Replay of the last match. Steve Corino's out for the upcoming "Extreme Bull Rope Match", as we turn to the ECW Arena Schedule 4/22 ECW Arena in South Philly (Cyberslam 2K, Part 2; TNN taping) 4/27 Utica, NY 4/28 Schenectady, NY 4/29 Poughkeepsie, NY (TNN taping) 5/5 Duluth, MN 5/6 Minneapolis, MN 5/14 Milwaukee, WI ("Hardcore Heaven" PPV) Match #3: Tommy Dreamer (w/The Sandman & New Jack & Dusty Rhodes) d. Steve Corino (w/ Cyrus & Team Network.) in an "Extreme Bull Rope" match. (New Jack chair-shot on Corino/pin, 14:51) What a match! Just PPV quality from start to finish! Steve Corino was just all over Tommy Dreamer from the get-go, with Dreamer bleeding from a cowbell induced cut under his left eye. Corino kept walloping Dreamer with the cowbell, then whipping and choking him with the bull rope. A Corino rendition of the "Old In-Out" got an unwanted garnish of testicular claw from Tommy Dreamer, who cinched it down a couple of times, causing Corino some, ummm, "distress." Dreamer with a payback wallop of the cowbell on Corino, and now it's Corino who is opened up. Corino bailed out of the ring, but Dreamer followed to continue the payback. Back in the ring, where Dreamer whacked Corino in the jimmies with the cowbell. Tree of Woe time, and Dreamer does a little tree climbing, and finds a convenient "crotch" to step on, three or four times. Dreamer also used the cowbell to "improve his footing." (Hope Corino's wearing a cup!) Jack Victory, aghast, entered the ring and started clobbering Tommy Dreamer about the head and shoulders. Is that Metallica I hear? The Sandman arrived, Singapore cane in hand, Home Depot ladder in the OTHER hand, cigarette in mouth, and pockets full o' brew-skis. Setting up the ladder at ringside, he took a moment to bask in the adulation of the St. Charles, MO fans, who are all howling "Sleep with one eye o-pen... "hug your pil-low tight..." with a truly frightening intensity. Corino and Victory both have the "deer-caught-in-headlights" look, before the Sandman tossed the ladder into the ring, then followed it in. Corino and Victory proceed with the beat-down on Sandman, who no-sold the whole thing before cleaning house with the Singapore cane. The ladder did the "leaner" routine in the corner, and the Sandman whipped both Corino and Victory onto it. Corino was bleeding pretty freely now, so much so that his blond hair had turned red. Sandman set Corino on the top turnbuckle, wedged the ladder in the ring ropes, then superplexed Corino into the ring. With the ladder back in the ring, and Corino lying on top of it, Dreamer and Sandman did the double-drop tope on him. This brought out Yoshihiro Tajiri, and it's stiff ol' buzzsaw kicks all around for the Sandman and Tommy Dreamer. Another stiff double dropkick to the Sandman's head, and he went down for the count. It's three-on- one as Team Network started kicking the stuffing out of Tommy Dreamer. JS: "Is there anybody left back there who can save ECW from the clutches of Cyrus and Team Network?!" "Natural Born Killaz" cranked up, and it's New Jack, somewhat recovered (we hope!) from his plummet of thirty feet or so some time back, and he's brought the "Rubbermaid o' Doom" just chock full of weaponry. Hey, there's a neat-o boomerang shot, as New Jack bounced the bin off Jack Victory's head, and caught it on the rebound. Let's see now... "Cookie sheet-fu" on Tajiri's noggin, "wooden crutch-fu' on Corino's back, ...?!... WOW! "STAPLE GUN-FU" to Jack Victory's forehead! (I thought ECW banned the staple gun after "Anarchy Rulz"?) The ring looked like a cyclone hit it. At this point, most of the parties involved decamped to the arena floor, then up into the seats to continue the match among the screaming, testosterone-sodden fans. Still in the ring, Sandman did Item number One on the menu, the "Steel Guardrail Sandwich with Steve Corino Filler," as Tommy Dreamer nailed Tajiri in the crotch with a cowbell -enhanced wallop. Item Number Four on the menu, an "Upside Down Ladder Sandwich with Corino filler" with a Sandman Senton bomb as garnish. Meanwhile, Tommy Dreamer hooked Tajiri into his own version of the Tarantula, but Jack Victory clobbered Dreamer from outside the ring, and Tajiri, rat-like, scuttled away. Sandman set up a table, then put Corino on the ladder leaning on the ropes. Corino, sensing Terrible Danger, dodged to one side, and the Sandman's tope from the top turnbuckle landed him right on his, ummm, "Home Depot!" Tajiri, never one to miss an opportunity, appropriated the table, then double-stomped Tommy Dreamer through it. Tajiri then tied New Jack to the Tree of Woe, and baseball-slid a double-dropkick to New Jack's head. Yeowtch! Tajiri's readied the "Green Mist" spew, but a poke in the gut from the Sandman's cane made him swallow the disgusting, and quite possibly hallucinogenic, mess. Tajiri, choking on the disgusting mess, was just selling the hell out of being in real distress. Jack Victory "heimliched" Tajiri, who promptly spat the whole load, (along with what looked like a chewed-up Big Mac) right in Corino's face! Eeeurrgh! DDT on Victory by Tommy Dreamer, Tajiri gets caned into submission by the Sandman, and New Jack, recovering from the earlier boot to the noggin from Tajiri, nailed the en-crimsoned Steve Corino with a towering top-rope chair shot. Cover, hook the far leg, one, two, three! I'll say it again, WOW! What a match! This brought out Rhino for the post-match beat-down on Sandman, Dreamer and New Jack. Dusty Rhodes then made an appearance, with mucho "Elbow Bionico" for all heels. The Sandman sets the final exclamation point by nailing Rhino with a monster cane shot, rolling him from the ring. The Good Guys stood, or rather, leaned together in the ring, as the crowd went nuts, and we viewers at home took a break for some more Commercials We came back to St. Charles, as the crowd at the Family Arena Is still cheering the tableau of: Tommy Dreamer (right top turnbuckle.) New Jack (left top turnbuckle.) Dusty Rhodes (seated, center stage.) and the Sandman (top of ladder, center rear.) There are brew-skis all around for our heroes. Joey Styles and Joel Gertner shill Sunday's Cyberslam 2000 at the ECW Arena in South Philly. Closing Credits See y'all next week. E.C. Ostermeyer [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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