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/28 April 2000

ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer




Time for another journey into the Arena of Extreme, as TNN, the only cable network still without indoor plumbing, brings you the "Cyberslam 2000" edition of "ECW on TNN."
Your hosts are Joey "Clone? Who's a clone?" Styles, and the "Quintessential Stud-Muffin" himself, Joel Gertner.
A two day event staged by ECW for we, the "Internet Faithful", tonight's show is thew April 12th taping from the (in)famous ECW Arena in South Philadelphia.
The show opens with the ECW World Heavyweight Champion Tazz getting ready to defend his title against Tommy Dreamer. The capacity crowd is hollering "Welcome BACK! Welcome BACK!", and even Dreamer's clapping and cheering along.
The sonorous tones of Paul Heyman's beautiful speaking voice assures us that we WILL see Tazz defend the ECW World Heavyweight Title tonight.
We then go to the ring where Styles and Gertner are ready to kick off tonight's festivities.
Styles does the "indoor plumbing" crack at TNN that I cribbed for the lead-in on tonight's recap, and then it's time for Poetry Corner, with your host


"All the ladies in the house...
"Just love to click their mouse...
"'Cause when I'm on the Internet...
"I make their panties wet...
"And as they sit at their computer...
"They sit on my 'sex-shooter'...
"As they surf through cyberspace...
" I'll upload right in their face...


Crowd starts the "Gertner! Gertner!" chant and we go to

Opening Credits

Cyrus and Team Network are in the ring
Yes, today's the day that Yoshihiro Tajiri turns over the ECW World Television Title to The Network's handpicked champion, Rhino.
Tajiri arrives, clutching the TV Title belt to his chest, and keeping a wary eye on Cyrus, who says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, what a team player Yoshihiro Tajiri is.
So I ask everyone to just bear with me, because my oriental friend, he no speak very good English."
Cyrus turns, and does that reptilian smile of his at Tajiri.
"Oh, you big champion! Won TV title, ichi-ban! Tremendous! My son, you've had a helluva run as World Champion. It's been the greatest couple of weeks of your life, am I right?"
Tajiri's nodding his head, yup, yup!

"But now the time has come for you to do the right thing. To hold up your end of the deal.
"Yes, Tajiri, the time has come for you to hand the World Television Title over to Rhino."

Rhino, dancing from foot to foot, is nearly drooling at the prospect.

Steve Corino and Jack Victory are both clapping enthusiastically for Tajiri, or so it seems.
Tajiri, though, looks baffled as to what Cyrus has just said to him, since the crowd at ringside is hollering "NO! NO! Don't do it!"

Cyrus, noticing Tajiri's befuddlement, turns to the crowd.
"No, no, he doesn't understand English very well." He turns back to Tajiri.

"You..."(points at Tajiri) "give belt-o..." (runs hand around his waist) "to Rhino!" (points at Rhino.)
Tajiri, still confused, looks to the crowd for explanation.

Cyrus is getting impatient.
"You know, like we talked about," and grins evilly.

Tajiri does a quick "me-him" pointing gesture; from the expression on his face, the light has just dawned.
He starts shaking his head and backing slowly into the corner, clutching the belt to his chest.

Joey Styles (JS): "I'm not at all sure if Tajiri understands exactly what Cyrus is asking of him."
Joel Gertner (JG): "I think that Tajiri understands perfectly well what Cyrus is asking of him!"

Cyrus' patience is wearing thin.
"Maybe you don't understand what I'm saying. Lemme put it in terms that you and the rest of these people can understand."
"You DON'T embarrass ME on national television, you slanty-eyed little BASTARD!"
Tajiri is cowering in the corner, still shaking his head, and clutching the belt.
Cyrus is barely controlling himself.

"Lissen, you goddam ingrate, I can pull your work visa, and you'll be back riding a bicycle, delivering chop suey!"

Though Tajiri may not understand English, the tone of Cyrus little tirade is coming through loud and clear.
And Tajiri's fear is being replaced by something else; his head shaking is becoming more and more vehement, and there's belligerence creeping in.

Cyrus hollers, "You had that belt over!"
"NAH!" says Tajiri.
"What about when I looked after you, (the) little "sucky-sucky" in the limousine after you won the TV Title?
"Do you know who I am? Huh? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"

JS: " I've heard of managers coddling their wrestlers, but Cyrus and 'a little sucky-sucky in the limo?!' That's unprecedented!"

Cyrus is enraged.
"I'm Cyrus!" (holds up the Access Badge.)
"I am The Network, and YOU'RE a piece of meat that I put in front of a camera to pop a rating!"
"NOW, you're going to hand that belt to Rhino!
"Right NOW!"

Tajiri, his jaw set and eyes like slits, shakes his head emphatically "NO!"

Cyrus, totally losing it, hollers " I'm gonna ask you one more time..."
"What...(pokes at Tajiri), "is your..." (poke), "answer?!" (poke.)

Tajiri, looks around, then steps forward and says
"FAH-KEW!" with the proper (censored) hand gesture, right in Cyrus' face.

Which brings on

Match #1: Rhino (with Cyrus & Team Network) d. Yoshihiro Tajiri for the ECW World Television Title. (Rhino with double piledriver/pin, 4:25)

Cyrus and the rest of Team Network disappear like a campaign promise, and we're underway.

Tajiri lays the Title belt on the mat in front of him and dares Rhino to come and get it.
Rhino does, and eats a stiff buzzsaw kick to the head. There's another, and Rhino is staggered into the ropes by the force of the blow.
Tajiri whips Rhino into the turnbuckle head first, then, screaming a war-cry, follows with three stiff chops to the chest and neck.
Irish Whip to the far corner gets reversed, and Rhino attempts a charge-in.
Tajiri's too quick, and does a float-over. Rhino hits the turnbuckles with considerable force, whereupon Tajiri lands two mean kicks between Rhino's shoulder blades.
Tajiri ties Rhino to the Tree of Woe, then decides to do a little tree-climbing, and finds a convenient crotch for "good footing!"

JS: "Oh, woe is Rhino!"

Tajiri leaps off Rhino's crotch onto the mat, then nails a double drop kick baseball slide to Rhino's head. Ouch!
Jack Victory's hollering at Tajiri from outside the ring. Tajiri motions for ol' Jack to "come get some!" Jack declines, but keeps hollering.

JG: "Nobody has ever taken the fight to Rhino like Tajiri has, ever before!"

Two more buzzsaw kicks to the side of Rhino's head.
Tajiri spots Corino lurking around ringside, and spits at him.
Corino, outraged, is hollering abuse at Tajiri, but makes no attempt to climb in the ring.
Another Irish Whip by Tajiri, but Rhino's recovered enough to counter it and nail a sit-out spine-buster on Tajiri, then go for a cover, 1,2,no!
Rhino tries another charge, but Tajiri drops under, then does a beautiful back body drop that sends Rhino over the top rope, and down to the floor. Tajiri, stalking his prey, waits for Rhino to climb back onto the ring apron, then lands a stiff dropkick through the ropes, sending Rhino crashing down onto the steel guardrail.
Rhino grabs the timekeeper's chair, and tries to climb back in the ring with it. Tajiri counters with a springboard double dropkick that (JS: "Oh my GOD!")
drives the chair into Rhino's face, and sending him crashing to the floor below.

Whoops, time for


ECW "Hardcore Heaven" PPV, 14 May
"Extreme Warfare v. 2" video
"VIP" starring Pamela Anderson Lee has you covered.
Pep Boys shocks.
1-800-CALL-ATT (100% Arquette-free)
Sammy Sosa High Heat Baseball 2000: "Eet's soo reeeall!"
Kissimmee-St. Cloud, caught in the middle again.

We come back in time to see Rhino get an elbow right in the kisser from Tajiri, followed by yet another stiff buzzsaw kick. There's a double boot to the noggin by Tajiri.

How 'bout a

"Table! Table! Table!"
and Tajiri's happy to oblige.

However, Rhino's been playing possum, and after clobbering Tajiri, it's Rhino that sets the table across the second rope in the corner.
Rhino's got Tajiri up for the powerbomb, but Tajiri wiggles free. A second attempt by Rhino has Tajiri breaking free once again, then wrapping his "Octopus" submission hold on Rhino.
Boy, that looks painful as all get out!

JS: "That's the Octopus! He's put the Octopus on Rhino! It's over!"

Not yet, Joey, as Steve Corino's in the ring, bull-rope in hand. As Corino advances to brain Tajiri with the cow-bell, Tajiri spits the

JS: " Green Mist! Green Mist!"

into Corino's face, blinding him. Corino, hollering, drops to his knees. He's digging at his face, trying to wipe the goo from his eyes, and doesn't see Tajiri's buzzsaw kick that nails him right in the head. Good night, Mr. Corino.
Jack Victory rushes to Corino's aid, only to eat the half of the Tajiri double drop kick that didn't nail Steve Corino.
Tajiri, exultant, is hollering what sounds like "Banzaiiii!"
Then, he turns, and eats a spear from Rhino.
There's a piledriver from Rhino, and a cover, 1,2, Tajiri got a shoulder up!
Well, if at first you don't succeed, etc, etc...
Rhino does the piledriver again, and this time Tajiri's down for the count.
There's a 1,2,3, from referee Mike Kehner, and Cyrus is in the ring, followed by the rest of Team Network.
"Ladies and gentlemen, your NEW ECW World Television Champion, hand-picked by the Network, the REAL f'n deal, Rhino!"

The crowd, unimpressed, is chanting "RVD! RVD! RVD!"

Cyrus can't resist the urge to crow:

"If there is one lesson that has been learned here tonight, it is that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, stands up to the Network!
"And if there's anybody, not just in the dressing room, if there's anybody in this BUSINESS who's got the guts to stand up to the Network, and face Rhino here, then you bring it down here RIIGHT NOW!"

"Walk!" fires up on the PA system.
Out from the back sprints Rob Van Dam, followed closely by Scotty Anton, and Bill Alfonso.

JS: "As they say here on the "Cowboy Network" business is about to pick up!"

Once in the ring, Anton disposes of Corino, and RVD stomps Jack Victory into the corner. A look from RVD and Cyrus disappears.
Van Dam wheels, spots Rhino, and goes into his combat stance. Van Dam advances, he and Rhino bump chests, and the fight is on!
It's fists and feet between the two, then RVD misses Rhino with a spinning heel kick, but nails him with the next one, sending Rhino to the mat. Rhino gets up, only to get a double spinning heel kick in the face that sends him flying out of the ring. Corino and Jack Victory are there to receive him, as RVD climbs up on top of the ring-post, then does a towering pescado onto Team Network, knocking all of them to the floor in a heap.
JG: "... it looked like he was trying to leave the Zip Code!"
RVD rolls back in the ring, where he gets high-fived by Fonzie, and a "You da man!" from Scotty Anton.

Hey, what's Cyrus doing slithering back into the ring?

"Now you listen to me, Van Dam. You are looking at a whole different ECW now. "The Network and Rhino control the ECW World Television Title!"
"What did you think, Van Dam? Did you think you could just waltz back in here after three months on the shelf?
"Because Rhino's opponent on May 14th will be everybody's favorite wrestler ( makes a beer drinking motion, and a face) the Sandman!"

RVD's got some things to say, as does Fonzie.
Cyrus, still grinning, is quick to respond.

"Rob...Rob...Hey Fonzie, don't get your panties in a wad! Rob you are a tremendous talent, and I wouldn't leave you off a PPV!
"You may not get a piece of Rhino.
"Your opponent will be... the New F'n Show, Jerry Lynn!"

Huge standing ovation from the fans as Jerry Lynn comes to the ring.

Looks like Cyrus has something else to say...

"Young man, it's a pleasure having you back on the Network!"
Jerry Lynn, microphone in hand, looks at Cyrus for a long moment, then says, "Cyrus, get the f- out of here, you Network Stooge!"

Cyrus, dumbfounded, looks like he just got kicked right in the jimmies.

JG: "Stooge! He called Cyrus a stooge!"

As he starts to reply, Lynn gives Cyrus a shove that knocks him to the mat. Cyrus rolls under the ring-ropes, and slinks away.

Jerry's still got the stick, and he wants to talk to RVD.

"You know, you and I both suffered injuries at about the same time. And while I was sitting at home, nursing a broken ankle, I don't hear anyone saying anything about Jerry Lynn."
Rob Van Dam looks puzzled, as does Fonzie and Scotty Anton.

"Day in and day out, on the Internet , and on TV, all I'm hearing about is Mr. PPV, himself, Rob Van Dam! The Whole F'n Show!"

Jerry Lynn does the classic "aanh!' gesture right in RVD's surprised face.

"I'm the one who pushed you to your limit, and at "Hardcore Heaven", it's gonna be my pleasure to kick your f'n ass, Rob Van Dam!

RVD's not smiling now, as Jerry Lynn continues.

"And the world is gonna know, that Jerry Lynn is not just the "New F'n Show," "They're gonna know that I'M the Whole...F'n... SHOW!"

Van Dam's got an "Oh Yeah?" look on his face, as Lynn says, "So I'll see you at the PPV!" and drops the microphone.

RVD tries once more to make friends with Jerry Lynn, but his outstretched hand gets met by Lynn's giving him the finger.
Scotty Anton shoves Lynn, and gets floored by a counter shove! Lynn exits the ring, as we hear Joel Gertner say,

"Jerry Lynn is back with a vengeance!"

And we go to some more

Nothing to see here, folks. Move along, move along!

We come back, and the Sinister Minister is seated on a makeshift coffin.
"You know, a friend, of a friend, of a friend, of a friend, told me that my erstwhile employer, WCW would LOVE to procure the services of yours truly, as well as my close personal assistant, Mikey Whipwreck.
"Well, I've got news for you. Even MY soul wouldn't sink THAT low!"

Mikey opens the lid, as Vandy sits down in the coffin.

"In fact, I wouldn't be caught DEAD in that ... "third-rate promotion!"
Vandy lies down, and Mikey closes the lid with a bang, and starts laughing crazily.

We've got a 'Vandy-in-the-Box', as the Sinister Minister pops out one more time.
"Wait a minute, Mikey, this is no laughing matter!"

Mikey stops laughing, looks serious, then says, "Yeah, padre. Screw 'em! I hate 'em, too!"

Vandy addresses the camera again.

"Oh, and Eric, "Karate Boy?" Remember, if you EVER need to kick MY ASS, I'm easy to find. We're both in the same neck of the woods...HELL!" "Hahahahahaha...?
"Mikey, THIS is where you laugh!"

Whipwreck starts laughing crazily again, then closes the lid on the Sinister Minister. Mikey's rolling around on the floor, and we can still hear laughter coming from inside the coffin.
Now the coffin lid starts hopping up and down, as we cut away for some more

With a twist, as we hear Paul Heyman, (in Voice-over mode,) say,
"Hey! We're just as tired of these commercials as you are! But we had to raise a 'hundred mill.' to pay off Vince McMahon, SOMEHOW!"

1Wrestlingdotcom Extreme Replay shows Rhino spearing Lori "Sandman" Fullington and her husband through a table.

Next we get the Sinister Minister having fun with a Ouija Board.
Hey, that chanting of his sounds like "Deel-doez een Va-Jy-nee-ohz" and something about Vince Russo doing God knows what to himself.

"You know, the Spirit Guides tell me that ECW is hotter... than HELL! Hahahaha!"
As the table bursts into flames, ol' Vandenberg keeps laughing.
Suddenly, Mikey Whipwreck lands on the table, putting out the flames.
The Minister is disappointed.
"Mikey, you got a helluva knack for spoiling a moment! Hahahahaha!"
Mikey's also laughing, and just rolling around on the floor.

We cut to the announcer's booth, where a thoroughly frightened Joel Gertner is busy crossing himself.
Styles gives Gertner a look, then says

"Aren't you Jewish?"

JG: "Right now I'm SCARED!"

JS: (shrugs) "Hmmm, not a bad idea..." and crosses himself.
"Ladies and gentlemen, as historic an event as Cyberslam is, we wanted to bring you some of the highlights...SLOW DOWN!"(this to Gertner, who's crossing himself even faster now.)

Our first set of highlights concerns the match between Steve Corino and Dusty Rhodes, where Dusty has Corino busted open early in the match, only to get busted open by Corino later on. Rhodes is shown setting up for a Bionic Elbow, when Jack Victory interferes by waffling Rhodes with the cow-bell.
Corino then lands a Bionic Elbow of his own, but with cow-bell enhancement, and gets the pin and the win.

The seconds set of highlights is an expanded version of the 1Wrestlingdotcom Extreme Replay we saw earlier, showing the Sandman taking on Team Network, and leveling Jack Victory. Corino sneaks up behind, and superkicks the Sandman right in the head, causing him to spray beer all over the ring. Corino and Victory are getting ready to wallop the Sandman, when the Sandman's wife, Lori Fullington enters the ring, Singapore cane in hand.
WHACK! There's one for Corino, who goes down like a pole-axed steer. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! Three more for Jack Victory, who's trying to get out from under this hail of cane shots, but without much success.
Rhino's in the ring, charges at Lori, who ducks aside, and the Sandman gets speared through the table. Lori's next, and the earlier "Double Trouble" spear is repeated.

The next set of highlights is the match between Lance Storm (with Dawn Marie) and Nova (with Jazz.)
We join the action where Nova is about to plant Lance Storm with his "Kryptonite Krunch" finisher, when Justin Credible interferes by superkicking Nova in the throat. This causes Nova to lose control of the hold, and drop Lance Storm on his head. Ouch!
You can see Storm mouthing to referee Jim Mullinaux, "I'm hurt! Pin me!"
Nova tries for the cover, but Dawn Marie pulls him off.
Jazz goes after Dawn Marie, and gets her in a piledriver, only to have Justin Credible show up again, and whack Jazz across the face with the kendo stick. Jazz goes down, and Dawn Marie makes the cover.
Referee Mullinaux leaves off tending to Lance Storm long enough to make a quick three-count for Dawn Marie to get the win, before signalling "man down" to the back, and calling for the medics.
Dawn Marie goes over to Lance Storm, but gets gently pushed away by Storm, and you can see concern in her eyes as she moves back to let the trainers and medics have a look at him.
Everybody in the crowd is standing, not cheering, and looking concerned.

JG: " When the ECW fans here in Philadelphia don't cheer, you KNOW it's serious!"

ECWwrestlingdotcom promo

ECW Upcoming Events Schedule

4/29 Poughkeepsie, NY (TNN taping)
5/5 Duluth, MN
5/6 Minneapolis, MN
5/14 Milwaukee, WI ("Hardcore Heaven" PPV)
5/18 Birmingham. AL
5/20 Columbia, SC
5/26 Toledo, OH
5/27 Columbus, OH
6/2 New Orleans, LA
6/3 Pensacola, FL

Paul Heyman spilled the beans as to who won the Tazz/Tommy Dreamer bout for the ECW World Heavyweight Title., and after this next set of


We get to see the end of the match, as Tazz is shown handing the ECW World Heavyweight Title belt to Tommy Dreamer. Everybody in the Arena is on their feet, cheering, as Tazz reminds us that

"My name is Tazz, the Human Wrecking Machine!

(All together now, fans...)


Huge pop for Tazz.
The "Wel-come Back! Wel-come back!" chant starts up again.

(Man, is this the same bunch of fans who were chanting "You Sold Out! You Sold Out!" at the "Anarchy Rulz!" PPV not long ago?)

Tazz leaves, as the ECW locker room empties, and all of the wrestlers come down to the ring to congratulate Tommy Dreamer for, unbelievably, his first ever ECW World Heavyweight Title.
Dreamer is in tears, just bawling "Thank you so much!" to the fans and everybody in the back, when Raven comes out.
The two eye each other warily. When Raven offers his hand, Tommy grabs it and hugs Raven, so that's the end of that story line.

Whoops, and here's the start of another!

Justin Credible enters the ring, and whacks Dreamer across the face with the kendo stick, busting him open.
Then Credible nails Raven with the "That's Incredible" finisher.
Tommy's over in the corner, trying to shake the dizzies from the last kendo shot, when Credible gets right in his face, hollering about how everybody's been chasing after the World Heavyweight title so much that none of the other Title belts mean anything.
Credible's brought the ECW World Tag Title belts along, which he proceeds to throw on the mat and spit upon, saying they're not good enough for Justin Credible anymore.
Credible gets right in Dreamer's face again, calling him a pussy and demanding that Dreamer put his title on the line tonight.
Dreamer gives Credible a murderous glare, then hollers


Match #2: Justin Credible( w/ Jason) d. Tommy Dreamer (w/Francine) for the ECW World Heavyweight Title (Credible w/ "That's Incredible" finisher/pin, 6:55)

Dreamer had the upper hand early on, just walloping Justin Credible all over the ECW Arena. Tommy whacked Credible on the noggin with a full can of beer, then grabbed another cold one from a fan at ringside, drank half of it, then let Credible have the rest., with empty beer can chaser. Dreamer then waved everybody away from the steel guardrail, and there was a stampede to get out of the way. Dreamer tossed Credible over the guardrail and uop into the crowd they went. Once up top , Dreamer then threw Justin Credible down the stairs, and back to the ring they went.
Francine, (yes, Francine!) who had arrived earkier with Raven, now helped Tommy by putting a table between the ring apron and the steel guardrail. Dreamer then softened up Credible, and did a sloppy Spicolli Driver through the table. Once back in the ring, Dreamer tried on several occasions to pin Justin Credible, but to no avail.
With Jason distracting the new Champ for a moment or two, Credible was able to nail Dreamer with "That's Incredible!" finisher, but was unable to get a pin.
Francine strayed a little too close to the action, whereupon Justin Credible dragged her into the ring and attempted a piledriver on the Queen of Extreme, only to have Tommy Dreamer break it up.
Dreamer set and nailed a DDT on Credible, then picked him up for another Spicolli Driver.
At which point Francine forearmed Dreamer right in the in-seam!
Yup, swerved him again!
Dreamer collapsed, and Justin Credible did another "That's Incredible!" for the pin and the win.
Francine, ecstatic over Credible's win, shucked out of her T-shirt and jean shorts, revealing a black, see-thru nightie with thong and bra underpinnings.
Credible did his usual spiel, ("That's not just the coolest, that's not just the best..."), when Francine grabbed the microphone and said

"That's the NEW ECW World Heavyweight Champion!"
Credible: " That's Just In-CREDIBLE!"

As Justin Credible, Francine, and Jason celebrate in the ring, Joel Gertner gets the last word:

"And just think, Tommy Dreamer never even got to put the belt around his waist!"

A strong show, especially going into the PPV in two weeks. Justin Credible is a good choice for Heavyweight champ, even better than Mike Awesome. The Rhino/Sandman match should be a great brawl, just loads of violence and fun. The match to watch should be the Jerry Lynn/Rob Van Dam bout. It's been quite a while since we've seen these two in the ring together.

Besides, with Lynn's heel turn, we've got a Whole New F'n Show!

See y'all next week!

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

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