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/wrestling /ECW on TNN /5 May 2000 |
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/wrestling /ECW on TNN /5 May 2000 |
ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer |
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The road goes ever and on, down from the door where it began Where it goes, I cannot say, Except that it calls, and I'm on my way. Attributed to Mike Awesome This is your weekly sojourn in that "Arena of Extreme" that is "ECW on TNN" for Friday, 5 May 2000, and I'm your recapper, EC(W) Ostermeyer. (CRZ did that "EC (W)"- thingie to my byline about three weeks ago, and claimed it was a typo. This is not an attempt at being presumptuous. Honest!) The show opens with the lilting rounded tones of the lilting rounded Paul "A- handshake's-as-good-as-a-contract-in-MY-book-Mike!" Heyman recounting the events of last week's show, viz: Lance Storm getting "injured", of which the whole bunch of these ex-carny workers sold their asses off to make me believe it! Best touch was Dawn Marie "looking concerned." Still, they fooled most of that hard-as-tungsten-steel-core South Philly wrestling fans in attendance, so I can't complain. Tommy Dreamer wins the ECW World Heavyweight Title from Tazz, gets all mushy and weepy about it, then makes up with Raven. Justin Credible comes to the ring, canes Dreamer, DDT's Raven, spits on the ECW World Tag-team Title belts, saying they aren't good enough for him anymore, and demands a shot at Dreamer's Title. NOW! Dreamer, with (literally!) blood in his eye, hollers "RING THE BELL!" It takes ten minutes and two of his "That's Incredible" finishing moves, but Justin Credible wins the title, after Francine betrays Dreamer, yet again. Opening Credits Coming to you "live on tape" (29 April 2000) from the Mid-Hudson Civic Center in Poughkeepsie, NY. Looks like that "Nervous Hospital" from up the road is missing some of it's more, ummm, "entertaining" residents, and they all wound up here. The hospital must have re-instituted it's "No Lithium On Credit" policy again. Mid-Hudson is such a warm, cozy place, that every seat gets bloodied. At the moment, however, those same seats aren't being used, as every loyal ECW fan is on his feet, and hollering fit to blow the roof off the arena with their "ECW! ECW! ECW!" chant. Joey Styles (JS) and Joel Gertner (JG) are in the ring. JS "Welcome everyone, to ECW! On the only network that uses rabbit ears to broadcast their programming... TNN!" "i'mjoeystyles..." "And WELL, WELL, WELL...It is I, the host of this show, the Quintessential Stud Muffin...Joel", "I picked this girl up Here in Poughkeepsie I liquored her up And got her nice and tipsy Brought her back here To the Civic Center Where over I bent her Spread her legs And proceeded to enter..." "Gertner!" Huge crowd pop, and the "Gertner! Gertner!" chant starts up. Joey welcomes the "Queen of Extreme" Francine in her new role as "arm candy" for "the NEW ECW World Heavyweight Champion, Justin Credible!" Credible comes out to a somewhat lukewarm response from the crowd. Francine's looking good, and getting sporadic "Show Your Tits!" chants from the fans as a result. Styles chews out Credible for spitting on the Tag title belts last week. Francine gets in Styles face about how she's the master manipulator and the manager of several ECW champions, of which Justin Credible is just the latest. Styles, speaking to Credible, says that what he did to the ECW Tag titles was distasteful. Credible responds with "What I did was not just the coolest..." aw, you know the rest. Credible's little tirade brings out his erstwhile ECW Tag-team Title partner Lance Storm, along with the delectable Dawn Marie. Storm's "recovered" nicely from what is now termed a neck "stinger" that he received last week, and getting some serious face heat from the crowd. Dawn Marie, who nicely sells climbing through the ropes parted by the adoring Storm, is all smiles for the crowd this week. Storm and Credible meet nose-to-nose in the center of the ring. Storm's face mirrors his name. Credible's just spells "Arrogance!" LS: "I brought you into this business. I trained you. I CARRIED you! What you did when you spat on the World Tag-team Titles, you spat on me!" "You owe me a shot at the (Heavyweight) Title!" Credible's not buying any of this, to no one's surprise. LS: "Now, the way I figure it, you got two choices: I either take it from you, or you hand it over!" JC: "Well you can either take the Title, or take your ass back to Calgary...Alberta, Canada!" Storm 'paint-brush' slaps Credible across the chops and away we go! Well, if there was any bad blood between these two, it just boiled over. What follows can only be described as a knock-down, roll-around, drag-out FIGHT between the two. First in the ring, then out to the floor, which provides the two ladies to indulge in a JS: "Get ready,Joel..." JG: "Catfight! Catfight! Catfi-i-i-i-ght! Francine seems to have gotten the worst of that little set-to, as Credible and Storm arrive to pull apart the two wildcats. This brings Raven in, who clobbers Credible, only to get a standing sidekick from Lance Storm, who then follows with a DDT. Jazz comes out, nails Dawn Marie with a Michinoku Driver, only to get another standing sidekick from Lance Storm. Kid Cash comes out to save Jazz, and Hey, where'd Tommy Dreamer come from, and when did he waylay Justin Credible up in the stands? The bell rings, but we've got to take a break for some Commercials. Dammit! We come back to Match #1: Lance Storm (w. Dawn Marie) d. Kid Kash (w/ Jazz). Storm with jumping piledriver/pin, (4:58) And the first action we see is Kid Kash nailing Lance Storm to the ringside floor with a beautiful top-rope corkscrew plancha. Jeez, they have GOT to keep pushing this guy; he's too good to keep jobbing like this. Back in the ring, and Storm's counter of a standing dropkick gives him the momentum. Irish Whip to the corner, by Storm, who follows it up with a vicious Tajiri-like slap to Kid Kash's chest, ("Whoooo!" goes the crowd!) There's another ("Whooo!") Kash powers out, trying to shift the momentum back, but Storm nails him with a towering (jeez, lookit the HEIGHT, wouldja!) powerslam to the mat! Cover, hook the near leg, 1...2... Kash kicks out! Storm with another whip, Kash reverses it into a springboard body-press, but fails to capitalize with a pin combination. Storm, however, does not make that mistake, as a Kid Kash hurancanrana is countered and reversed into a standing powerbomb, but the cover only gets two. While all this action is going on, Gertner is waxing poetic on-air about Dawn Marie's, umm, "feminine qualities", to the consternation of Joey Styles. JS: "DOWN boy! Are those Tic-Tacs or Viagra that you're chewing?" Meanwhile, Kid Kash shifts the momentum yet again with a sweet tilt-a-whirl head scissors on Lance Storm; one reverse Atomic Drop later, and Kash goes for the cover, 1,2, no! Kid Kash now goes up top, but has a little trouble setting up the next move, which Lance Storm is quick to capitalize upon. Storm knocks the feet from under Kash, crotching him on the top turnbuckle. Storm must be getting slow as well; his Superplex out of the corner first gets blocked, then countered by an awesome flying hurancanrana by Kid Kash. There's a double underhook; Pedigree coming up, er, no, Dawn Marie's in to break that up. This brings Jazz out to the ring to exact revenge, and she chases Dawn Marie up the ramp-way to the back. Storm's in command now, and gets the win on the strength of a superkick and jumping piledriver combination. Commercials. Ah, I see David Arquette's back at his day job. He's wearing a kid's cowboy outfit and accosting young girls on the midway. How the mighty have fallen, eh? Well, now, here's Lou E.Dangerously, CW Anderson, and Elektra lurking with intent outside a hotel room. Elektra doffs her coat, revealing a very fine specimen of thong-clad womanhood. Elektra knocks on the door, which opens to reveal Mikey Whipwreck holding a huge, mafia-style bouquet of flowers. Elektra's got some sweet words for Mikey, and you can almost see the cartoon balloon over his head with the word "SCHWINGGGG!" written on it! The Dangerous Alliance enters the room, to find James Vandenberg, (dba the "Sinister Minister"), resting comfortably on the sofa. Lou E. says that there's a lot of confusion going on about the various ECW Titles. And, as he's heard that the Padre can "make things happen", he wants him to "pull some strings" as regards the Tag-team Titles. "Well," says the Padre, "I'm sure that, if you left me alone for five minutes with 'D.A.' (?) here..." and the rest gets bleeped out by the Network. Elektra hops onto the Padre's lap, snuggles in all nice and close, then exclaims, in the purest Brooklyn-ese: "Why Padre, ahr dose yer hannukah (?) beadz or ahr ..." and again we get about two minutes worth of bleep from the Network. The Padre reaches into his pocket... ...and pulls out, not rosary beads, but a "Ben-wa" bead string. You can hear Whipwreck's sounds of suppressed mirth in the background. Elektra's eyes take on a feral glint, with a smile to match. (This is clearly a woman that likes to sleep late in the morning.) Lou E. tells the Padre to "turn up the heat!" To which "Our Lady of Hunt's Point" replies, "Heat?" (straddles the Padre's lap) "I'll show yuh somethin' dat's hotter...than...Hell!" Zeep! Off comes the bikini top! But, instead of "The Promised Land", we fans get to see that Network depixelized censor thingie. The Padre, however, has the best seat in the house, and doesn't he just know it? Goggle-eyed, he starts making percolator sounds, just as Mikey Whipwreck brings in a flaming goblet o' something, and says, "Here's something hotter than Hell!" and starts laughing crazily. The Padre finds this hysterical, and HE starts laughing, as Elektra starts a clumsy lap-dance on him, and we, mercifully, break for some Commercials. "Road Trip" promo. Yeah, I'd pay fifteen bucks to sit in filth in the dark and watch Tom Green gag on a mouse! We come back to Match #2: Jerry Lynn d. Scotty "Don't call me Riggs!" Anton (w/ Bill Alfonso) Lynn Cradle Piledriver and pin, (we saw 3:10 or so.) Anton comes out, followed by Fonzie, who's hitting notes only dogs can hear on that whistle of his. Styles plugs ECWwrestlingdotcom, and says if we hurry, we might see nude pics of Francine before Al Gore's"Thought Police" shut the site down. (Hey, the guy claimed he INVENTED the Internet, so why not give him credit for the "Thought Police" as well? Besides, Janet Reno's got enough on her plate as it is!) The Upcoming Events schedule has nothing new, other than the big swing through Ohio in late May. "Hardcore Heaven's" the 14th in Milwaukee. If you are an ECW Fan, whether you are a Smart, or Mark, You WILL go there! You WILL spend your money! And all because... You WILL make Eric Bischoff cry! Back to the ring, as Jerry Lynn makes his entrance. Big fan pop for the "New F'n Show," which goes to show you how grateful the ECW fans (me included!) are that Lynn's back wrestling again. Lynn's got his sights set on Scotty Anton tonight. Scotty Anton, perplexed, does the "Wazzup!" arm waggle, and Lynn nails him with an enziguiri kick. This sends Anton through the ropes to the outside. Recovering, Anton gets to his feet, only to catch a dynamite top-turnbuckle pescado by Lynn that mashes him to the floor again. Anton, taking stock of the situation, decides that an equalizer is needed. The crowd, sensing what Anton is up to, start chanting "Table! Table!" Anton sets up a "leaner' in the corner, and hits Lynn with a back elbow. Anton goes for the Irish Whip, but Lynn reverses it into a cool drop toe-hold. There's a Tornado DDT by Lynn, and a cover, but only a 2-count. Aw shoot... Commercials. "Gladiator" promo. This is from Dreamworks. Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and David Geffen have all put their heart, soul, sweat, and blood into this company. Especially Katzenberg, who was the "Boy Wonder" over at Disney for the longest time. And they put their imprimatur of excellence on THIS B-movie tripe? Sheesh! Back to the action, and we're just in time to see Anton spoil a Lynn attempt at a German suplex. Doggone it, here 's the "Rookie Monster," Rhino himself doing the run-in. Is Russo booking this? Anyway, it looks like Rhino's going for the two-man table spear on Lynn and Anton. Here's the charge-in... Jerry Lynn ducks to one side, but Anton doesn't see Rhino until it's too late, and Scotty Anton, your table's ready! The screwjob done, Rhino rolls out of the ring. Lynn gives Rhino a look, then scoops Anton into his Cradle Piledriver for the win. This seems totally out of character for ECW, a company that prides itself on clean finishes. That is, until... Don "Cyrus the Virus" Callis, along with Team Network, comes to the ring. "Young man, let me shake your hand, and welcome you to the Network." Cyrus then starts going on about how Lynn should be grateful for the help that Team Network in general, and Rhino in particular, have given him. Lynn, unmoved, gives Cyrus an unmistakable "up yours!" gesture. Cyrus, shocked, starts with the "I am Network" -routine, only to get Jerry Lynn landing on him and the rest of Team Network with a huge pescado. Back in the ring, poor Scotty Anton's bad day gets even worse, as Rhino starts back in a-clobberin' him. The crowd's hollering for Rob Van Dam to come out and save everybody. "Walk" fires up, and out comes RVD, almost falling off the stage before he remembers that sharp right turn outside the entry-way. Anyway, down the steps, a fast sprint to the ring, and the "Whole F'n Show" momentarily goes nose to nose with the "Rookie Monster" before commencing with the beat-down. Right, right, left, spinning heel kick, and Rhino's down on one knee. RVD with a flat-footed LEAP to the top turnbuckle, then a flying spinning sidekick to Rhino's head on the way back down. Rhino's had enough, and rolls out of the ring, just as Cyrus climbs back in. Cyrus is doing the best imitation of "mouse on the skirtboard" that I've seen in a long time. Bill Alfonso, standing on the ring apron, spots Cyrus sneaking around behind RVD, and literally "blows the whistle on him!" Van Dam spins around, goes into his combat stance, and JG: "I think Cyrus just wet himself!" Cyrus is holding the Access Badge in front of him like some magic talisman. RVD looks around expectantly, and the crowd's just hollering for him to clobber Cyrus. Fonzie obligingly supplies Van Dam with a steel chair. Cyrus quails even further into the corner. RVD casually tosses Cyrus the chair. Cyrus nearly drops it, but manages to hang on. Big mistake, as Van Dam winds up to uncork his signature Van Daminator move, when suddenly the rest of Team Network are back in the ring. Steve Corino and Jack Victory start pounding away on Rob Van Dam. This brings out Yoshihiro Tajiri to make the save. Tajiri with two nasty punches to the neck of Steve Corino, and a buzz-saw kick to Jack Victory. Cyrus bails out of the ring at this point. Meanwhile, Jerry Lynn and Scotty Anton, (remember them?) start brawling on the entry-way near the ring. Van Dam sees this, gets a running start, and does a running pescado right over the top rope and onto Anton and Lynn, knocking them both to the floor. Unfortunately, RVD, Lynn, and Anton outside the ring means Tajiri is still on the inside of the ring, facing Team Network all by his lonesome. Corino, never one to miss a chance to gloat, gets a microphone and starts ragging on Tajiri, telling him how his new friends like Rob Van Dam have left him all alone to face the might of Team Network. Corino's willing to let bygones be bygones, if Tajiri will come back to Team Network. Otherwise, Corino, Victory, and Rhino will "kick your slanty-eyed ass! What are you gonna do? Huh? Have you got a plan or what? Huh?" Tajiri reaches into his pocket, comes up with a can of beer, and pops the top. The crowd goes wild! JS: " I think Tajiri DID come here with a plan!" JG: "Naw, that's a beer." Metallica gets cranked up on the PA system, and the cheering crowd starts to raise the roof of the Mid-Hudson Civic Center. Some fans are singing along with the frightening lyrics of "Enter Sandman." Most are howling at the top of their lungs as HE arrives in the building, with beer, smokes and Singapore cane in tow. Well, the Sandman makes his own leisurely way to the ring, pausing every five steps or so to share a beer with an ecstatic fan or two. By the time he reaches the ring, (after five minutes of so of 'ring entrance'), he's had gulp or three from about nine cans; it's buzz-time for sure. Team Network, professionals all, and to their credit, did not charge out of the ring to clobber him, or begin walloping on Tajiri. Rather, they let the man bask in the adulation of his fans. (N.B.Only one other wrestler that I know of can generate this much face heat from a wrestling crowd. But, since Mick Foley's retired now, the Snadman has to have THE best entrance in professional wrestling. And it's done without pyro displays, no special props, no fancy costuming. Just cheering fans. Nothing else. Amazing!) Match #3: Yoshihiro Tajiri and the Sandman d. Steve Corino and Rhino (w/ Jack Victory & Cyrus) Tajiri double-stomp on Corino thru table and pin,( 7:31) The match opens with Tajiri and Corino going at it. One stiff Tajiri kick on Corino, and he tags in Rhino. Rhino proceeds to wallop on Tajiri, until Tajiri counters a whip into the ropes with a Ricochet Handspring Elbow from the top rope that nails Rhino right in the jaw. Tajiri then tags in the Sandman, who's rubbing his hands at the thought of getting to clobber Rhino again. However, Rhino's in the far corner, getting chewed out by an angry Steve Corino. Unbelievably, Corino actually WANTS to face the Sandman. Then, to the surprise of everyone, (including Rhino!) Corino slaps the meaty palm of Rhino for the tag-in. Corino does pretty well against the superstar. At first. However, when he drops his "Old School"-style of wrestling in favor of going at it toe-to-toe with the Sandman, his troubles begin, as the Sandman sends Corino flying out of the ring. The Sandman bails out as well, and starts working Steve Corino over out on the floor. A whip to the steel guardrail, and Corino's busted open. Both men roll back into the ring. Jack Victory interferes by tripping the Sandman up. Lori "Ms.Sandman" Fullington shows up at ringside dragging a section of steel guardrail, which the Sandman promptly leans on the second rope. An en-crimsoned Steve Corino gets tossed out of the ring again, this time into the waiting arms of Yoshihiro Tajiri, who promptly tosses Corino over the steel guardrail and into the crowd. After brawling literally in people's laps, Tajiri throws Corino back in to the ring. The Sandman's waiting, and promptly hits a drop toehold that slams Corino into the steel guardrail. Corino's bleeding pretty freely now, as the Sandman sets him on the top turnbuckle. A "Heineken-rana" by the Sandman, and Corino's just a mess now. Whoops, here's Rhino back in the ring, and there's a clothesline for the Sandman. Lori Fullington's back with the Singapore cane. Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! on Rhino with the cane, but the big guy doesn't even feel it. Rhino's got Lori cornered, when here's Yoshihiro Tajiri to the rescue! Corino's back in, and trying to help Rhino, who's stalking Tajiri and Lori Fullington. Rhino gets too close, and JS: "Green Mist! Green Mist! Oh my GOD!" But Rhino ducks just in time and Steve Corino gets the blast full in the face. As a howling Corino is staggering around the ring, digging at his eyes with both hands, he doesn't see the table being set up in the far corner by the Sandman. Rhino does, however, and tries a spear to put the Sandman through his own table. The Sandman, sensing Awful Danger, leaps out of the way, as Rhino thunders past and goes headfirst into the table. Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!" It's not been a good day for Steve Corino, either, what with being busted open twice in the same match. Tajiri, sensing victory, gets in a few more buzz-saw kicks on Steve Corino, before he and the Sandman set up a table in the ring. Corino's placed on the table, and it looks like the rest of the match is just a formality. Tajiri goes up to the top turnbuckle, DOUBLE STOMP to the chest drives Corino through the table. Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!" There's the cover by Tajiri, and a one, two, and a three! A win for the tea of Tajiri/Sandman! Wow! A match as good as five pros trying hard could make it. I am impressed. We get a shill for Tommy Dreamer and New Jack appearing on the CBS program "Early Edition." Joey Styles begins to make snide comments about CBS' role as the owners of TNN, but his little snit-fit gets test-patterned, and we're done. See y'all next week. E.C. Ostermeyer [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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