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/12 May 2000

ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer




Time once again for you to fall down the rabbit hole of reality and into the Dark Wonderland that is the Arena of Extreme, as I, your recapper, ol' "Eponymous Crunch" himself, bring you the "ECW on TNN" recap for Friday, 12 May 2000.

And why not start off with a "Sinister Minister" spot, just for grins?

We see the Padre and Mikey Whipwreck cutting a promo outside a locked door.
"Y'know, when Mikey Whipwreck was only five years old, and his mother locked him in the closet, she always said, 'Mikey! Don't play with matches!'"
Mikey's trying to get out the locked door, and appears to have strained himself with the effort.
"Then, when Mikey reached the age of..."
"Oooohhh..." says Mikey.
"Cut! Cut! He made a noise," says Mr. Cameraman.

The Padre is incensed.

"Have you lost your MIND?!
In nomine nostre satanus luciferus in excelsis!
You are worse than JACKIE CROCKETT!
Do I ask for much from here? 45 seconds?
All I...I oughta have Mikey Whipwreck tear your head off!
When he's done with you, Camera Boy, it'll make the Spanish Inquisition look like a Sunday Schoo... hey wait, I got a better idea!"

The Padre whispers something to Mikey, who grins real big, then turns to Mr. Cameraman.
"Your fired", says Mikey, grinning maniacally.
Mr. Cameraman gets a face full of ignited flash-paper that knocks him to the floor. We get a good view of his Reeboks, Mikey's knees, a cinderblock wall, and it looks like the Padre could use a shoeshine.
"Hahahahahahahahaha, " laugh Mikey and the Padre.

Opening credits.

We are live on tape from Minneapolis, Minnesota, specifically the sold-out University of Minnesota's Sports Pavillion.
(Sheesh, ECW's taping from a big-ass university campus like U of M, and they mis-spell "pavilion!")

The fans are hangin' from the rafters, and every other person is holing a sign of some kind. All are cheering wildly for Joey Styles (JS), and

of course


"From Mankato to Edina
I get all of the (vagina)
And there's none left in St. Paul
'Cause I already BANGED 'em all
But I didn't want to leave the Twin Cities
Without squeezin' some new girl's (titties)
So I met this hot little piece named Erica
And I did her in the parking lot
At the Mall of America..."

Crowd with a raucous "Gertner! Gertner!" chant.

!" (JG)

Styles is laughing so hard, he's doubled over.

And, as Alice In Chains starts cranking out "Man in the Box", and Tommy Dreamer makes his way to the ring, this might be a good opportunity to indulge in our new feature to this column:

Reading Signs in the Crowd.

Tonight's offerings are:

"Schiavone Eats It!" - I think that's what it said.
"R U Serious?"
"We're DUMB!" - the admission that you have a problem is the first step to cure, my friend.
"Throw Francine Here" - YOU wish, buddy!
"ECW needs Alexis, but not as much as I do!"

(Jeez, lookit the HUGE chest on that girl at ringside!)
"FU TNN" - Hello, Jed Highum.
(I mean it, she's truly VAST!)
"Jesse Ventura" - ah, a political statement.
(We are talking major league yabbos here!)
"3D" - Aw, y'all remembered the Dudleys, din'tcha?
(...and speaking of a couple of REAL DDD's...)
"Exit Light Enter the Play Some Time Tonight!" - I think somebody's a lil' too obscure, now...
(but it sure isn't HER!)
"Toby!" - I think "Timmy!" is better. I like the "South Park" inference and all.

Oh, and two guys in ECW shirts are each giving Styles, Gertner, and you viewers at home the finger.
Smart move, guys. And on national TV, too. Your folks must be proud!

Hey ECW, are you SURE there was no beer sold at this event?

Man, we may be in for some trouble tonight, because I haven't seen a crowd this cranked up since that seconal-and-booze-maddened
bunch in Ft. Lauderdale!
This crowd looks like they are ready to stomp somebody!
ANY body!

JS: "Tommy, you've been very quiet since Cyberslam 2000. You achieved your lifelong dream. You were the ECW World Heavyweight Champion for almost fifteen minutes...'
Some snickering from the crowd makes Styles pause. Dreamer looks balefully at the front row, where some grins dissolve REAL quick out there.
JS: "You wear... the belt! What's on your mind?"
Dreamer takes the microphone, but before he can talk,

"Minneapolis, Minnesota! Simon has a problem!"
Here's Simon Diamond, with The Musketeer, Prodigy & Prodigette in tow.
(More signs: "Got Cooter?" and "Dylan has a Bad Attitude!")
"Oh, am I interrupting something here, Mr. Dreamer? What were you going to say that was sooo important? Huh? What were you gonna say?"
Crowd chants "Pop him, Dreamer! [Clapclap, clapclapclap!], etc.

Diamond rounds on the crowd:
"Hey, you people think that I am a VARIETY act? I am NO COMEDY ACT!"
Shouts, boos, and catcalls are the response he gets.

Diamond addresses Dreamer again.
"What were you gonna say? Hah? Were you gonna say that you were robbed, that you LOST the ECW World Heavyweight Championship Title? Hah?"

"Why don't you tell them the truth, that you're not hungry anymore, Tommy? The young Tommy Dreamer, who ate and drank ECW...

"Remember that guy?"

"He's DEAD, Tommy!"

"Oh, I forgot! I am talking to the 'Innovator of Violence.' Well, you see, Tommy, the fact is, you don't have a guardrail to hit me with, and you don't have a table to hit me with. So I ask you, Tommy...

...What are you gonna hit me with?"

Crowd's hollering "Hit him! Hit him!" as Tommy Dreamer looks around, and

Tommy unleashes a Big Right Hand to the forehead of Simon Diamond, and Diamond goes down in a heap.
Styles and Gertner bail out of the ring, and we have

Match #1: Tommy Dreamer d. Simon Diamond (w/ the Musketeer & Prodigy & Prodigette.) Dreamer Driver, pin (7:40)

Dreamer's irish whip gets reversed by Diamond, but Dreamer counters with a hip-toss and a karate punch to Diamond's "family jewels!"
Tommy's got the stick:
"Minneapolis Minnesota! Dreamer has a problemmmm!"
Microphone whack to Diamond's forehead.
The crowd's "Si-mon Suck-ass!" chant is bleeped for your protection.
Dreamer pulls Diamond's robe over his head and starts walloping him. Dreamer then pulls the robe off and garrotes Diamond with it.
Dreamer then sets up, points at three sides of the ring, then tosses Diamond out of the ring and down to the floor.
Dreamer follows, and nails Diamond with a right, followed by a whip to the steel guardrail. Another whip gets reversed, and Diamond sends Dreamer over the guardrail and into the crowd.
There's a right, right, right from Simon Diamond, finished with a crotch job on the railing. I hope Tommy's wearing a cup.
Steel chair-fu from Diamond, and Tommy's hurting now. Diamond bounces Dreamer's head off the steel guardrail. Another whip, but Dreamer reverses this one, and Diamond goes back first into the guardrail. Dreamer tosses Diamond over the guardrail, and it looks like a "roadtrip" to the bleachers for Mr. Diamond.
Dreamer drags Diamond about halfway up the bleacher steps, then uncorks one unholy Big Right Hand onto Diamond's noggin, while the crowd chants "ECW! ECW! ECW!"

Aw, jeez...

ECW "Hardcore Heaven" PPV promo; ECW "Extreme Warfare, vol.2" promo; "VIP: Whose Boobs Got the Best Tan?" contest; "Road Trip" promo: Pay 15 bucks to sit in filth in the dark and watch Tom-freakin' Green gag on a mouse. Now that's MY kind of evening!; Yamaha ATV's; and David Arquette's "Day Job, The Sequel."

We come back to ECW on The "Deliverance Channel" (JS) just in time to see Dreamer drop Diamond from the fireman's carry, and punch the Musketeer right in the chops, who promptly falls off the ring apron. Dreamer's got Diamond in the corner. There's three Big Right hands, and then Dreamer starts gnawing on Diamond's eyebrow. Dreamer's whip gets reversed into the Prodigy, which causes JS and JG to debate the genetic and familial makeup of the Prodigy and Prodigette.
JS: " I understand that they are twins, and that's all I really want to know about their family or personal relationship."
Meanwhile Simon Diamond is stomping on Tommy Dreamer in the far corner. Irish whip sends Dreamer into the other corner.
JS: "I understand that Prodigy is the protégé of Taz."
JG: (who's paying attention to the match.) "Looks like Diamond is capitalizing on Dreamer's bad back."
Diamond nails Dreamer with a clothesline off a whip to the ropes.
Cover, 1,2, but referee H.C. Loc only allows a two count as Dreamer kicks out.
Diamond does a double suplex combo, but his attempt at a third gets countered and reversed by Dreamer, ho then clobbers Diamond with a Big Right Hand, and then ties him to the Tree of Woe.
Looks like Dreamer's doing a little tree climbing, as Gertner says, "Simon, call your urologist!"
Dreamer places the steel chair across the face of Diamond, who's still tied to the Tree of Woe and making statements. Then, with a shout of "ECW!", Dreamer skateboards the chair into Diamond's face.
At this point, somebody in the crowd holds up a sign so awful that ECW, not TNN, censored it.
The Musketeer climbs in the ring, and calls out Dreamer, ostensibly for a duel. Dreamer obliges, and yikes! Is that a REAL rapier the Musketeer's got? Yup, but Dreamer's got a crutch from the audience, and
"En garde!" and away we go.
The duel lasts all of five seconds, and ends with Dreamer spinning the rapier out of the Musketeer's hand, then, ummm, "cleaning the blade" using the Musketeer's crotch as a handi-wipe!
JS: "That's One way to circumcise somebody!"
Dreamer scoops up the Musketeer, SPICOLLI DRIVER!
Well, that renders the Musketeer hors de combat, but Dreamer walks into a boot to the gut, and a DDT onto the chair from Simon Diamond.
Cover, 1,2, no!
Diamond, frustrated, grabs the steel chair, but referee H.C. Loc grabs the chair away from him. Diamond starts arguing with H.C. Loc, while the Prodigy & Prodigette climb in the ring. Prodigy goes up to the top turnbuckle, but he's hauled back down by the Prodigette, who evidently wants to do the moonsault from the top...
But misses, and lands flat-out on the mat.
JS: " And the Blunder Twins miss again!"
Dreamer hooks a head under each arm, and double-DDT's the Twins.
Meanwhile, Diamond is chopping away at H.C. Loc, who finally has enough, tosses Diamond into the corner, and starts chopping away.
Diamond comes roaring out of the corner, ducks a swung fist from the referee, but his momentum carries him into a Dreamer Driver, and a Cover,1,2,3, and Tommy Dreamer wins the match.

Nothing to see here. Move along, please.

We are back as Dawn Marie limps to the ring, followed by Lance Storm. Styles says that Dawn Marie twisted her ankle, hence the crutch.
JG: " Dawn Marie may have a bad wheel, but her headlights are working just fine!"

ECWwrestlingdotcom has Super Crazy going ga-ga over the new (nude?) photos of Elektra. Also, up to the minute photos direct from the "Hardcore Heaven" PPV.

ECW Upcoming Events:

5/14 Milwaukee, WI (Hardcore Heaven PPV)
5/18 Birmingham, AL
5/19 Atlanta, GA (TNN taping)
5/20 Columbia, SC
5/26 Toledo, OH (TNN taping)
5/27 Columbus, OH
6/2 New Orleans, LA
6/3 Pensacola, FL
6/9 Erie, PA
6/10 Pittsburgh, PA
6/23 Milwaukee, WI
6/24 Chicago, IL

Roller Jam's got the ladies doing an "Evening Gown Skate-Off", where the skater with the most clothes left on at the end of the match is the winner. You might want to put a tape in the VCR for this one, folks.

Match #2: Lance Storm (w/ Dawn Marie) d. Jerry Lynn; Justin Credible interferes(kendo stick), pin (we saw 6:12)

Lots of cheering for hometown favorite Jerry Lynn, as referee Jim Mullinaux calls for the bell, ands we are under way.
Lots of back and forth action to starts with, and Lynn gets the first big highlight move with a rolling shoulder block that tumbles Storm off the ring apron to the floor. Back in the ring, and Storm changes the tempo by hitting a jawbreaker on Lynn, followed by two stiff right fists and a vicious looking superkick. Jerry's down, and Storm covers, 1,2, not this time.
There's a leg drop by Storm, and a cover,1,2,no.
An attempt to bounce Lynn's head off the turnbuckle gets reversed on Lance Storm. Lynn's whip to the corner gets reversed, but Lynn does a tip-up and over, and into a Victory Roll and a cover, 1,2,no.
There's a right from Lynn, and another right, and a whip that Storm reverses into a single-leg Boston Crab submission hold. Lynn powers out of the Boston Crab, then nails Storm with an enziguiri kick.
JS: "Dawn Marie is looking concerned..."
JG: "You were looking at her FACE?!"

Storm with a forearm to the face of Jerry Lynn. A press-slam by Storm is countered by Lynn into a rollup, a schoolboy press, and a cover, 1,2,no. Storm rolls into a schoolboy press of his own, cover,1,2,no. Lynn with a Victory Roll,1,2,no. Storm with a Victory Roll,1,2,no. Lynn bridges out and sets up a backslide, but Storm's got the go-behind, hooks Lynn's leg 1,2,no. Lynn reverses, and hooks the leg,1,2,no! The crowd's going crazy with all this chain wrestling going on in the ring! Reciprocal double clothesline, and both men are down for a well-deserved rest. This gets a huge pop from the crowd in appreciation for the last go-round.

JS: "This is a match that both men need to win, and neither can afford to lose!"
Dawn Marie slides a chair to Lance Storm. Storm sets up and has Lynn in a piledriver. Lynn escapes, grabs the chair and takes a wild swing at Storm's head. He misses, then tosses the chair to Storm and does his version of the "Van Daminator" (the "Lynn-minator?") and down goes Lance Storm.
Lynn moves in to finish off Storm, but gets a low blow for his trouble. Storm sets Lynn on the top turnbuckle, but Lynn counters with a series of fists that rock Storm, giving Lynn the chance he needs, and
Lynn nails Storm with a Tornado DDT right onto the steel chair. There's a cover, but Dawn Marie is arguing with referee Jim Mullinaux, so there's nobody to count. Lynn, frustrated, pulls Storm to his feet and goes for a tie-up, it gets blocked by Storm, then reversed by Lynn, who runs Storm into the ropes...
Where Justin Credible is waiting, with kendo stick in hand.
Credible swings, but Storm ducks just in time, and it's Jerry Lynn who catches the kendo stick on the noggin.
Lynn goes down like a ton of bricks.
Storm gives Credible a look that means trouble for the champion. Storm then covers Lynn, hooks the far leg, and referee Jim mullinaux counts 1,2,3, giving Lance Storm the victory.
Meanwhile, Tommy Dreamer has come out for some payback on Justin Credible, and one heckuva fight is in progress on the ramp. Storm spots this, and does a flying pescado over the top rope, flattening both men.
JS: " These three do not want to wait for the Three Way Dance at "Hardcore Heaven!"
Storm tosses Dreramer over the steel guardrail, then begins brawling with Justin Credible. ECW Security "Black Suits" and extra referees are out to restore order, and things appear to be settling down, when...

"Excuse me! Excuuuuuse ME!"
JS: "Aw no!"
JG: "No! No! No!"
Don "Cyrus the Virus" Callis makes his way to the ring.
"Do you people know who I am? More importantly, do you people know WHAT I am?"
"Asshole! Asshole!" chant starts up. I've never seen this many "ECW" and "EC F'N W" t-shirts in one place. The marketing boys must be ecstatic.
"That's right! (holds up The Access Badge.) "I am Network, by God!
And I'd just like you all to know that, on the eve of ECW's first visit to Minneapolis, that the Network didn't want to come here AT ALL!
The reason that the Network didn't want to come here, was because that I, being from Winnepeg, Canada, am an expert on the state of Minnesota. I told the people at the Network that the state of Minnesota was populated by IDIOTS! And if you require any proof of this, Jerry Lynn, well, only a state of mental RETARDATES (wha...?) would elect Jesse Ventura governor!"

Jerry Lynn's getting very peeved with ol' Cyrus. Cyrus sees this, and starts "putting out the fire."
"Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, you're not like all these other idiots in Minnesota. Now, I know you live here in Minnesota, but I don't hold that against you. Now, jerry, being as you're from Minnesota, you must rank right up there with the likes of "Frank" Tarkenton..."
(JS: "FRANK" Tarkenton?");
"'re right up there with Greg Gagne..."
(JG: "Now that's just plain insulting!")
"...hell, Jerry, you're right up there with PRINCE!"
"In fact, Jerry, we think you're unbelievably talented, we think you're just tremendous, you're tremendous, you're right up there with the Minnesota Timberwolves, who... Oops, I guess they just got crushed out of the playoffs! Jerry, you're just like the Minnesota Vikings; can' Big One!"
Lynn's having a hard time containing himself in the face of this verbal abuse from Cyrus, who, it seems, is still hell-bent on his own destruction, because he KEEPS TALKING!
"Talent, Jerry! You are unbelievable in the ring. Watching oyu, I can tell you've been trained by that wrestling great, Brad Wrangen! "
Lynn nods his head, smiling.
"Unfortunately for the Network, while he taught you how to wrestle, he also taught you how to do an interview!"
Zoop! The smile's gone, and Lynn starts pacing around, muttering to himself.
"Jerry, take it easy. Now the fact is, that stuff's a ratings killer at the Network."
"Remember when it was all about wrestling, Jerry? Well, I had a meeting, and it's not about wrestling anymore!"
"But that's okay, Jerry, because the Network always has a spot for someone with your talent."
"So, I'm here to make you an offer you can't refuse. Jerry, I'm gonna make you the offer of a lifetime."
"We all know that you maybe, probably sure are, the greatest pure wrestler in ECW. We also know that from a "Charisma" and "Interview-ability" standpoint, that Cyrus is the #! "Charisma Man" in ECW!"
'So, Jerry, think about it! With you doing the wrestling, and me doing the talking, there is nothing that you and I could not achieve, with the Network backing it up, and...?"

And out comes Yoshihiro Tajiri, past a sign that says "Stay Tuned for Roller Jam!" (Network dupe!)
JS: " Yoshihiro Tajiri want to add his insight to this proposal."

Cyrus is really mad. "Hey, don't listen to him! Don't listen to him!"
Tajiri is talking very earnestly in Japanese to Jerry Lynn, who, though he seems to be having a problem with the words, is getting an education from the emotional intensity that they are being delivered in. Tajiri's punctuating his speech with firm gestures.
Cyrus has had enough of this, and SWATS Tajiri on the back of the head!
Crowd: "OOOOooooohhhh!"
Cyrus: " Don't listen to that idiot Jap! What're you doing? Are you sweet for Japs?"

Big mistake, Cyrus.
Tajiri turns slowly to face Cyrus, and begins stalking him.

Jerry Lynn sucker-punches Tajiri from behind.

Cyrus is jubilant: "Thank you, Jerry Lynn! That is tremendous! You are part of the Network, now!"
Cyrus offers his hand, which Lynn takes.
But, at the same time, Lynn snatches the microphone from Cyrus.
Jerry Lynn: " Cyrus, you want charisma, here's your goddam charisma! I didn't do it for you, and I sure as HELL didn't do it for the goddam Network! I did it for me, because you are a (major f'n asshole is bleeped).
Lynn drops the stick, and bails out of the ring.
Cyrus, livid at this insult, rounds on the unconscious Tajiri:
"This is all you r fault! This is all your fault! You think you can come out here and EMBARASS me? I'm gonna ship your little ass back to Tokyo! Come on! Come On! I'm gonna beat your ass right here!"
Steve Corino's in the ring, now, and is slapping Tajiri on the head, and hollering at him.

JG: "I wouldn't want to be in the same ring with Tajiri, no matter HOW unconscious he is!"
Corino's spoiling for a fight, and he hauls Tajiri to his feet by his hair.

Tajiri responds by nailing Corino with a buzzsaw kick to the head.
There's another kick for Corino, and one for Jack Victory as well.
Tajiri tosses Victory out of the ring, then ties Corino to the Tree of Woe.
Rhino charges into the ring at this point, and nails Tajiri with a flying clothesline.

Looks like this is:

Match #3: Rhino (w/ Team Network) d. Yoshihiro Tajiri, ECW World Television Title defense, Rhino with powerbomb thru table, pin (we saw 3:19)
Yep, the referee calls for the bell, and we are underway.
Tajiri recovers from the clothesline, but two of his vicious punches get blocked by Rhino, who whips Tajiri into the ropes.
Tajiri counters with a handspring elbow to Rhino's nose. Tajiri whips Rhino into the corner, then drops Rhino with a standing sidekick when he rebounds out of the corner.
Rhino rolls out of the ring to regroup, but Tajiri does a second-rope Asahi Moonsault onto the retreating Rhino, and we have to sit through some more


We come back to see Rhino, apparently recovered and back in the ring. Jack Victory is passing him a table. Steve Corino is walloping Tajiri on the far side ring floor.
Rhino drags Tajiri into the ring, and tries for a powerbomb, but Tajiri blocks it and tries to pull Rhino off his feet. Rhino reaches down and picks Tajiri up by his ears when

JS: "Green Mist! Green Mist! Rhino has been blinded!"

Tajiri lands two more buzzsaw kicks to Rhino, staggering the "Rookie Monster."
Tajiri rebounds off the ropes and lands a vicious double dropkick that flattens Rhino.
Corino's in the ring, and gets a kick for his troubles. Jack Victory arrives, and gets more of the same. Victory rolls out of the ring to escape further punishment.
Tajiri sets up the table, and throws Corino on it, with two stiff chops for good measure.
Tajiri climbs up top, and double dropkicks Corino right through the table. Rhino's back in, and gores Tajiri, then powerbombs him through a table on the outside of the ring.
Rhino drags the limp body of Tajiri back into the ring, and does a leisurely cover for a three count and the win.

Post match, Rhino, Corino, and Jack Victory take turns punching holes in the unconscious Tajiri, when

Metallica cranks up on the PA speakers, and the crowd goes wild.
The Sandman charges the ring, intent on getting a piece of the "Big F'n Deal!" We, however have to sit through another

ECW "Hardcore Heaven" promo.

We come back to see the Sandman and Rhino nose to nose in the center of the ring. Rhino swings a ham-like fist at the Sandman, who ducks it, then counters with a swipe of the Singapore cane, which Rhino ducks, then nails a snap clothesline that flattens the Sandman.
Corino and Victory are back in the ring.

"Walk" starts blaring over the PA system, as Rob Van Dam charges the ring.
Corino takes a swat at RVD, who ducks it and nails Corino in the head with a spinning heel kick. Rhino charges at RVD and muscles him back into a corner, but Van Dam fights his way loose, and there's a flying heel kick, followed by a

JS: "Five Star Frog Splash!"
And that's all for Rhino and Team Network.

Joey Styles may get the last word, but Joel Gertner does the the pantomime:

JS: "The Sandman challenges Rhino for the TV Title!
Jerry Lynn versus Rob Van Dam! A Three Way Dance for the ECW World Heavyweight Title!"
"All hell has broken loose in ECW!"
Gertner does his "Happy Chicken" dance, with appropriate goofy "laugh-face"...

Closing Credits.

See y'all next week.

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission