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/wrestling /ECW on TNN /19 May 2000 |
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/wrestling /ECW on TNN /19 May 2000 |
ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer |
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"Hardcore Heaven" has passed on to that special place reserved for good little PPV's. However, it's MY job to conduct the post-mortem as it relates to our weekly sojourn in the Arena of Extreme. Who am I? Just your friendly lil' ol' recapper, "Extra Cheesy." Worked once, why not again? We open the show with a "Sinister Minister" sketch. Looks like the Padre's back at his day job as the local pool boy. "'Hardcore Heaven' has come and gone. 'The New F'n Show', Jerry Lynn, accomplished the impossible by pinning 'The Whole F'n Show', Rob Van Dam. Rhino gores Sandman's wife head right...up...his...ASS! Tajiri nearly makes the 'Old School Hero', Steve Corino bleed to death..." Mikey Whipwreck, riding a kid's bicycle (with training wheels, yet) runs over the Padre's foot. "Padre! I see dead people!" "Mikey, they're not dead. Brad Siegel hasn't fired Vince Russo and Eric Bischoff...yet! In fact, they're a lot like my old friend, Keith Richards. They're dead, they just don't know it...yet!" Hahahahahahahahaha! Mikey also thinks this is hilarious, and pedals off furiously to the deep end. Mikey falls off the bike, and rolls on his back, still laughing crazily. The Padre joins him as Mikey begins doing the backstroke in no water. We continue with matches from the Minneapolis, MN taping of 6 May 2000. Yup, right back in the U-Minn Sports Pavillion. And yup, same stupid spelling error again. Match #1: Kid Cash d. Johnny Swinger. (Cash with the "MoneyMaker" finisher/pin: we saw 0:34) Joey Styles (JS) and Joel Gertner (JG) call the action, with Gertner apologizing to Keith Richards, and Styles wondering about the other folks the Padre's insulted. In-ring action has Kid Cash doing a float-over on Johnny Swinger, then nailing him with the "MoneyMaker" finisher for the win. Post-match, out comes the "Full-Blooded Italians," Little Guido and Big Sal E. Graziano. Guido gets a hold of Kid Cash and hits a Moritano on him. Then Big Sal E. goes up on the second rope and JS: " Oh my God!" Big Sal E. does a diving head-butt from the second rope onto Kid Cash's chest, and coincidentally setting off seismographs all across the Midwest. Well, this brings out Mikey Whipwreck, with the Sinister Minister in tow. Mikey walks up behind Big Sal and taps him on his (VERY broad!) back. Big Sal turns and JS: "Oh MY GOD! He threw fire in his FACE!" Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!" This starts the impromptu Match #2: Mikey Whipwreck d. Little Guido (w/ Big Sal E. Graziano); ("Whippersnapper" finisher/pin, we saw 2:24) Dear readers, pay close attention to this match. You are watching the heir-apparent to Mick Foley's mantle in Mikey Whipwreck. Nobody in ANY wrestling federation works any harder, takes tougher bumps, does crazier interview stunts, or sells ANY move better than Mikey Whipwreck. During his criminally under-used tenure with WCW, he even made LEX LUGER look good, and that's high praise, indeed! As the match begins, we see the ECW/TNN censors hard at work blotting out a sign in the audience. It's the same one from last week. The sign gets slightly obscured by another, and we see it reads "HOLY SHIT!" The TNN censors nixed THIS sign? Oh, but they allowed that strip-evening gown skate-off on RollerJam last week! Sheesh! JS: "What in the world has possessed Mikey Whipwreck?" JG: "You mean WHO in the world has possessed Mikey Whipwreck?" The match begins with Little Guido ducking a clothesline from Mikey Whipwreck, as Big Sal E. rolls out of the ring digging at his eyes and howling. Guido does a go-behind into a waist-lock. Mikey counters with three stiff elbow shots to Guido's head, breaking the hold. Cross-ring action ends with Mikey hitting a tilt-a-whirl DDT on Guido, with the padre shouting instructions from ringside. A whip gets reversed, but Mikey counters the reversal with a swinging neckbreaker, and goes for the cover. Referee Gary DiRusha counts 1, 2, and Guido gets a shoulder up. Mikey's whip to the corner gets reversed. Mikey tries a float-over, but Guido catches him around the knees and plants Mikey face first into the mat. Mikey rolls outside the ring to re-group, but Guido follows and kicks the stuffing out of him. There's a whip by Guido that sends Mikey into the steel guardrail. However, Guido's follow-up charge gets ducked, and Guido eats the steel guardrail as well. Guido's staggering, holding his stomach... and gets his back raked by the Padre's sharpened talons. Yeowtch! Mikey grabs a chair and tosses it into the ring. he drags Guido up to the ring apron, sticks him half through the ropes, and pummels him for a bit. Mikey then vaults over the ropes, trying for a guillotine legdrop. Guido sees it coming, ducks out of the way, and Mikey lands butt-first on the steel chair. Guido does his own vault over the ropes and hits the "Sicilian Slice" finisher and goes for a cover, 1,2,no. Crowd starts the hilarious "Where's My Piz-za?" chant, which gets Guido hollering at them to "SHUT UP!" An Italian whip to the far corner gets reversed, but Mikey's charge-in gets countered with an elbow to the jaw, and a big clothesline from Little Guido. Mikey gets groggily to his knees, only to get a double mule-kick to the forehead from Guido, who tries for a pin, but still comes up empty. Well, it worked once on Kid Cash, so Guido tries for the Moritano finisher on Mikey Whipwreck. Mikey's got the counter for that move, namely a boot to the crotch, followed by his "Whippersnapper" finisher for the pin and the win. Back in "ECW Command Central," next to a big pile of empty boxes, are your hosts, the sartorially splendid, almost foppish Joey Styles, and the sartorially challenged, but quick-witted scamp, Joel "New York, Paris, London, Rome, the ladies love to hear my poem. Over there, and here at home, They love to drink my pearly foam..." ...Gertner!" Styles looks slightly ill, shaking his head, as we cut to Highlights from the "Hardcore Heaven" PPV, with Styles and Gertner doing the voice-overs. We see Justin Credible (w/ Francine) threaten to throw down the ECW World Heavyweight Title belt, enraging Tommy Dreamer, who is only just restrained by Paul Heyman and a couple of the larger ECW Security "Black Suits." Lance Storm (w/ the lovely Dawn Marie) challenges Credible for the title. Some jawing and name-calling between the ladies leads to a JG: "Catfight! Catfight! Catfi-i-i-i-ight!" Justin Credible first takes out Dawn Marie, then Lance Storm with his "That's Incredible!" finisher to retain the Title. Tommy Dreamer comes out, kendo stick in hand, and wallops Credible all over the ring. He's pointing the kendo stick at Francine with lethal intent, as they roll the Opening Credits The highlights from "Hardcore Heaven" continue, as does Styles' voice-over. First up, Masato Tanaka in a steel chair duel with Balls Mahoney, ending with a Tanaka Roaring Elbow to Balls' noggin. Next, we see Don "Cyrus the Virus" Callis calling Joel Gertner a "disgusting piece of crap!" Mr. Gertner responds by removing his neck brace. Mikey Whipwreck is shown flying through the air from the ring apron, courtesy of Little Guido and Simon Diamond. Back to Cyrus and Joel, where Joel says "Well, I know what I SHOULD do about it...!" and promptly gets choked out by Kanemura from the FMW, who's apparently a "guest" of Cyrus for the evening's festivities. New Jack does another plummet from the balcony, fifteen feet onto Da Baldies' DeVito who's lying on a table below. Styles informs us that New Jack is "King of the Streets" once again. The Sandman chugs down a cold one, then spits most of it out on the adoring fans at ringside. Next, we see the Sandman duck to one side as Rhino goes charging past and into a table. Sandman piledrives Rhino onto a steel chair, while Lori "Sandman's Wife" Fullington is caning the stuffing out of Jack Victory. Rhino grabs Lori and piledrives her through a ringside table to the floor. The Sandman rushes over, gathering his wife in his arms, only to get gored through another table by Rhino. Looks like extended hospitalization for the Fullingtons. Finally, we see highlights of the Jerry Lynn/Rob Van Dam match, showing Scotty Anton's swerve on his buddy, RVD. Shill for the ECW Hotline. Commercials. ECW "Extreme Warfare, Vol.2"; Home Depot's got "Mother Nature" working in their greenhouse, and a fine specimen of womanhood she is, too. Buy something, or she'll sic the locusts on you. David Arquette in "Day Job: The Sequel!" "Just For Men" hair coloring gel. No one can tell. Honest. Stop laughing at me! Back in the storage roo- er, "ECW Command Central," Styles and Gertner regale us with additional highlights from the Lynn/Van Dam match at "Hardcore Heaven," especially Scotty Anton's treachery towards his friend, Rob Van Dam. JG: "With friends like that, who needs enemas?" Lynn finishes the match with his signature "Cradle Piledriver" for the pin and the win over Rob Van Dam. Speaking of whom, we go backstage where RVD and Bill Alfonso sit, dejected and lonely. RVD looks up morosely. "Jerry Lynn, I don't even care if you were in on it. You took something that belonged to me. A victory, and I DON'T F'N LOSE! You know, I always thought that, if I did lose, it would be to you. But not like this! Come on! Scotty Anton? I'll deal with you. Cyrus? I'll deal with you. RHINO?? You bet I'll deal with you. This was my comeback match, to show the fans that I was back. I didn't come limping in complaining about my ankle, I was back 110%! I came back better than I was before, and before I left, I was the BEST! This isn't just a win in the record books, Jerry Lynn, because this win comes out of your ASS! Y'all will know what I mean when I'm through kicking your f'n ass! I'm "The Whole F'n Show", Rob Van Dam!" Match # 3: Danny Doring & Roadkill d. Da Baldies d. Nova & Chris Chetti: Three Way Dance (Grimes flying elbow on Nova/Angel pin at 1:52, Doring "Wham Bam, etc. on DeVito/pin, we saw 3:44 or so.) Chris Chetti and Nova are out first. As Angel and DeVito of Da Baldies come out, they are blindsided by Danny Doring and Roadkill. Doring nails DeVito with a Big Elbow, while Roadkill and Angel brawl on the far side of the ring. nova gets involved in Doring's business with a towering plancha off the top turnbuckle onto Doring and DeVito. Meantime, we see Roadkill land a big flying elbow of his own on Angel from the ring apron. Awww, shoot... Commercials. We come back to see Nova hit DeVito with a frog splash while Roadkill is stomping Angel in the far corner. Nova goes for the cover, 1,2, no. Wha..? (There's some kind of commotion in the storage ro- er, "ECW Command Central." Styles is hollering "...do you realize we've got a match in progress here?!" Ah, it's the "Old School Hero", Steve Corino who's joined our hosts. Jeez, who did your patch-up job Steve, Hannibal Lecter? After snatching Gertner's headset, Corino whines about almost getting killed by Yoshihiro Tajiri in their match at "Hardcore Heaven," and roll that footage, Control. We next see Tajiri kick Corino's blood all over the camera lens, and presumably, Mr. Cameraman as well. Let's get back to that "Pier Six" brawl you just left, okay? Well, that's where we go, but now everybody's lying around taking a breather, doggone it! Angel's tearing pieces off Roadkill in the center of the ring. DeVito joins in the fun, and Roadkill gets pancaked real hard! Doring seems to be next on the menu, but there's more commotion backstage, and Steve Corino's hollering that, because he's with the Network, he can do whatever he wants. Now THIS is gonna get old REAL fast! Back to the action, and now it's Da Baldies and Chris Chetti in the ring. I'm beginning to get a headache from this disjointed foolishness to no purpose. Spinning heel kick from Chetti nails DeVito. Angel clothesline misses Chetti, who counters with his "Amityville Horror" finisher. Chetti rolls off the apron and into a Doring superkick that whirls him into the guardrail. Nova's up top and does a huge Swanton Bomb onto Angel, then goes for the cover, 1,2... And Grimes is out to break up the pin attempt landing a flying elbow drop from the top rope onto Nova's head. Ouch! A groggy Angel slumps onto the stunned Nova for the pin, which eliminates Nova and Chetti. Grimes isn't done with Nova, and decides some foot-stomping action is called for. Here's Chris Chetti with a steel chair, and down goes Grimes. Chetti sets up a table in the center of the ring, then he and Nova table Grimes and nail him with their "Tidal Wave" finisher. They then retire, while Grimes is hauled out of the wreckage. Oh, yeah, Doring and Roadkill are brawling with Angel and DeVito while all this is going on. DeVito spots Grimes in trouble, but his attempt to help gets stymied by Doring, who counters a weak clothesline attempt with a boot to the gut followed by the "Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am" finisher and gets the win. Corino's still not through, and we see more of his match with Tajiri. Corino's amazingly skilled on the stick, because right now, I'd like to strangle the smug little weasel. How's THAT for heel heat? From the excerpts I've seen here, this may well have been the best match of "Hardcore Heaven", and certainly in contention for "Best PPV Match of the Year." And it looks like we're not done in the ring, because Da Baldies are taking revenge on Doring and Roadkill, with Doring getting the worst of it from DeVito's repeated chair shots. "Natural Born Killaz" fires up on the PA system, and the crowd goes wild! Hey, what would a street fight be without the "King of the Streets" himself, New Jack? And here he comes, fresh from his stint terrorizing delinquent kids on "Maury Povich." What, no "Rubbermaid of Doom?" No huge load of plunder? Two crutches and a whiteboard? Is THAT all? Oh, well, let the carnage commence. Crutch for Angel, punch in the face for DeVito, and New Jack's digging in his pockets for something... YAY! A STAPLE GUN! The crowd goes nuts. YAY! Staple gun-fu as New Jack staples Angel's hat to his head. Well now, here's a dinner fork, and DeVito's head appears o be the entrée. DeVito gets clotheslined, and then gets the whiteboard broken across his crotch with a blow from the other crutch. Crowd: "Oooooooohhhh!" DeVito: OOOOOOOoooooohhhh!" This ends the current festivities, and we take a break long enough for Styles to shill a couple of upcoming house show dates, and the Toledo, OH TNN taping. After another set of obnoxious ads, we find Jerry Lynn in the locker room, cursing Scotty Anton for interfering in his match with Rob Van Dam. But, despite the interference, Lynn still believes he's better than RVD, so this feud is well and truly off to a good start. More commercials. Match #4: Justin Credible (w/Francine) d. Raven, (ECW World Heavyweight Title defense; Sunset Flip reverse/pin, 12:17) Before the match, Credible gets on the stick and taunts Raven with how he lost his girl Francine to the better man. More commotion in ECW Command Central, as Steve Corino continues to mouth off at Styles and Gertner. Gertner suddenly says, "Look! Tajiri!" Corino lets out a yelp and disappears. "Thanks, Joel!" says Joey Styles, as Gertner does the "Happy Chicken" dance thingie. Back to the ring, and Credible misses a blow from the kendo stick. Raven kicks Credible in the breadbasket, then grabs the kendo stick and wallops him in the face. Raven tosses Credible into the corner, and starts the Ten-Count Punch-Down with the crowd calling the shots. A whip by Raven and Credible shoots across the ring, flips over the top ropes a la Ric Flair... ...but catches his heels on the steel guardrail, which reverses his momentum and drives him neck-first into the ringside flooring. Yeowtch! Referees Kiener and Mullinaux are quick to attend on him, as does Francine. Credible's holding the back of his neck with both hands, and seems to be in a lot of pain. Onewrestlingdotcom liked the bump so much, they show it again, and again. Raven hauls Credible to his feet and is chasing him around ringside as we break for some more Commercials. We come back to an empty ring, as Raven and Credible are brawling through the merchandise area. Raven throws Credible head first through a table. Hey! Cactus Jack T-Shirts! Cool! Raven hollers something at Credible through a traffic cone, then tries to fit it over Credible's fat noggin. The cone, not surprisingly, falls off. Raven drags Credible back to ringside, and grabs for the house microphone. He can't get it to work, so he whacks Credible in the head repeatedly with it until it DOES work. "Get up, bitch," hollers Raven, who then proceeds to work Credible over real good. Raven hauls a table from under the ring, and sets up a "leaner" in the corner. He turns, and gets crotched by Credible, who then whips Raven across the ring and through the same table. A few half-hearted punches from Credible, and he calls for Francine to come massage his neck for a bit. Credible then kicks Raven in the gut, then does a flying forearm on Raven from the second rope. Lateral press, 1, 2, Raven gets a shoulder up. Rear chin-lock is applied by Credible, as both these guys need a rest. Raven breaks the chin-lock with a couple elbows to the gut and a whip into the ropes. Credible does a knee lift, and down goes Raven again. Back and forth action, with Raven clearly getting the worst of it. A whip to the ropes and Credible applies the sleeper hold. Raven powers out with a belly-to-back suplex that takes more out of him than Credible. Credible's back up, and re-applies the sleeper hold. Raven powers out of that one as well, shoving Credible through the ropes and crashing into a table at ringside. Raven collapses as Credible slowly gets to his feet and crawls back into the ring. Francine slides in a chair, and Credible nails Raven with a drop toehold onto the seat. Credible wants more stick time to taunt Raven, but most of it is too nasty to pass the censors, so your tender shell-like ears are safe, for the moment. Raven stumbles into the corner, and Credible pursues, steel chair in hand. A sloppy swipe from the chair misses when both Raven and referee Mullinaux duck out of the way. Another swing by Credible, but Raven double mule-kicks it right into Credible's face. It's a race to see who gets to their feet first, with Raven winning by a hair. He starts the "punches in bunches" bit, just going to town on Credible. It's knee-lifts galore, and Raven finishes up with the "Bowery Booger Blower" face wash! Ooog! Raven pays Credible back for the earlier drop toehold with one of his own, followed by a cover and a two count. Whip to the ropes by Raven gets reversed, and Francine whacks Raven with the kendo stick as he bounces off the ropes. Raven, staggered by the blow, stumbles forward, and into a standing superkick from Justin Credible. Lateral press by Credible, cover,1,2, Raven kicks out. Credible pulls Raven to his feet, but Raven golottas him right in the in-seam. Credible recovers enough to reverse a whip to the ropes into his "That's Incredible!" finisher move, cover,1,2, Raven gets the left shoulder up! Francine's up on the ring apron having words with referee Jim Mullinaux about the long count, but Mullinaux's not having any of it. Francine pauses to cuss out some fans at ringside, and the fans give it right back to her with interest! Whip to the ropes by Credible gets reversed, and Raven shoots Credible across the ring... ...into Francine, knocking her off the ring apron. Victory Roll-up for Raven, 1,2, NO! Raven's getting frustrated, tries for the EvenFlo DDT, but Credible senses Awful Danger and charges forward, ramming Raven into the corner, and coincidentally, referee Jim Mullinaux as well. Raven's still holding on, sets and nails Credible with the EvenFlo. Raven covers, but Mullinaux's in Slumberland at the moment. The crowd's only to happy to do the pin count, and get all the way to "thirteen" before Raven gets up to see where the ref has got to. Francine climbs into the ring and leaps onto Raven's back. Raven does a quick flying mare, and Francine's eating canvas. Credible gets to his feet and nails Raven with a DDT of his own. Lateral press, cover,1, 2, Raven gets a boot on the ropes! This crowd is on it's feet and going stratospheric with each near pin fall. Raven drags himself to the ring apron and slowly gets to his feet. Credible, sensing victory, charges in, and gets a shoulder block to the gut through the ring-ropes from Raven. Credible is doubled over from the blow, and Raven vaults the ropes for a Sunset Flip. Credible hangs onto the top ropes however, and sits down on Raven's chest for the pin. Mullinaux doesn't see Credible holding onto the top rope, and counts 1,2,3 for the win. Cute finish, I must say. Simple, but effective. However, these Minnesota fans aren't happy at ALL about the outcome. Just look at the trash and stuff flying into the ring! Mr. Cameraman does a good job of minimizing the visuals of the "Hail o' Doom". After all, this isn't WCW's Production Team, is it? ECWwrestlingdotcom has loads of pics from the "Hardcore Heaven" PPV. You might want to get out your bookmarks. ECW's Upcoming Events are: 5/20 Columbia, SC 5/26 Toledo, OH (TNN taping) 5/27 Columbus, OH 6/2 New Orleans, LA 6/3 Pensacola, FL 6/9 Erie, PA 6/10 Pittsburgh, PA 6/17 Danbury, CT 6/23 Milwaukee, WI 6/24 Chicago, IL Joey and Joel update us on the condition of Lori "Ms. Sandman" Fullington, who is still hospitalized. This is a result of injuries received by a piledriver through a ringside table to the floor at the hands of Rhino. Oh, and here's Cyrus to spoil your supper. Rhino glowers in the background, chewing the scenery. "I am so damn sick and tired of this joke of a wrestling company. I used to work for Vince McMahon, and I might just be working for him again if this merger goes through. Why am I here? Because I've got this great champion, Rhino, and what do ECW send against him but their lame wrestlers, their whore wives, their stupid angles. And HE's the bad guy?! I'M the BAD GUY??!! Well you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna send this sick, decrepit wrestling company back to the Stone Age! I'll turn the lights out like "that!" (snaps fingers) and I'll pay Vince McMahon one hundred million dollars just to come here. That's my one hundred million dollar rib on Paul Heyman. You know, a lot of people talk bad about Vince McMahon. Well, I've been here, I've had to deal with Paul Heyman since I've been here. I've ad to deal with ECW since I've been here, and Vince McMahon is a goddam SAINT! And I'll part with one hundred million dollars of the network's money, just to stick it in your face, Paul Heyman!" Rhino, still glowering, hulks forward to speak his peace. "I don't give a damn if it's Sandman. I don't give a damn if it's his bitch wife. I don't give a damn if it's Tajiri, Super Crazy, and I don't give a BLEEP if its ROB VAN DAM, because if you, want the ECW World Television Title... "(Snort! Fogs the camera lens. He's been eating onions again, too.)"... you'll have to go through the "BIG F'N DEAL!" "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr." Closing credits. See y'all next week. E.C. Ostermeyer [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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