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/wrestling /ECW on TNN /7 July 2000 |
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/wrestling /ECW on TNN /7 July 2000 |
ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer |
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MainBLAH |
I understand that the REAL "Arena of Extreme", South Philly's "Mecca", which has been ECW's home for what seems like forever, is up for sale. So far, there are no buyers. We, on the other hand, are off to Chicago, the "Odeum", to be exact, for our weekly sojourn. Coming to you live on tape (from way back on 24 June 2000). Your hosts are not present at the moment, because we are being treated to the in-ring debut of former-Randy-Savage-valet-and-currently inactive-porn-star Gorgeous George, who is strutting around in the ring wearing a red sequined gown that is barely able to contain her. ECW Master Control cuts to some "ECW Hardcore TV" match results, then back to George getting the crowd, ummm, "up!" The Odeum being filled to capacity with red-blooded American "Demographic," George has a VERY appreciative audience. So appreciative that the "Demographic's" response to George has inspired jealousy in at least one ECW mainstay. Francine, kendo stick in hand, zooms out to the ring, and wallops Gorgeous George on the back of the head. George goes down in a remarkably erotic heap, while Francine stands over her and shrieks, "I don't know who you think you are, or where you come from. But I do know this, BITCH, around here, I'M the Queen of Extreme!" Opening credits... ...get Paul Heyman's rich fountain of kayfabe explaining just who and what we will be seeing tonight. Back to the ring, where the sartorially resplendent Joey Styles (JS), and the sartorially challenged Joel Gertner(JG) are welcoming the crowd. And now it's time for "Poetry Corner", with your host, Joel "My bed has seen more positions, than a La-Z-Boy recliner, I'm wrestling's original designer, of the sexual one-liner. Not designer like Gucci, or designer like Versace, But I love to eat that cootchie, when it tastes like butterscotch-ey..." "Excuse me! Exc-u-u-u-se me!" And here's Don "Cyrus the Virus" Callis to spoil Gertner's fun again. Joel flings the ring microphone to the mat in disgust. Styles is pointing at Cyrus, as if to remind him of the ass-kicking he almost gave Cyrus on the Milwaukee show last week. Cyrus is livid at Gertner's antics, and says he's through fussing at Gertner about his filthy limericks. Gertner asks if Cyrus has come out to, at long last, fire his ass? Cyrus says no, that he's just gonna kick Gertner's fat ass for him. Cyrus then notices Gertner's bellicose behavior, and sneers at Gertner, asking if he really wants to "get with him?" Joel says that the last guy who "got with" Cyrus has a rash on his balls, and great is the hilarity in the Odeum. Besides, Gertner says, he wants a piece of Cyrus all for himself, and is gonna kick Cyrus' ass RIGHT NOW! Before the carnage begins, AC/DC cranks up "Highway to Hell", and out comes Little Spike Dudley with a walking cast/brace on his right leg that would make the Six Million Dollar Man gulp in disbelief. Spike slowly climbs into the ring. His request for the microphone from Joel Gertner gets a HUGE pop. Spike grins as the crowd starts a big "Wel-come Back!" chant, does his signature wave, and gets a forest of waves back. The crowd's all jacked up in anticipation of LSD chewing on Cyrus. Spike doesn't disappoint, as he confronts Cyrus with the sordid mess the Network's representative has made of ECW, (Super Crazy deported to Mexico, Rob Van Dam's troubles, etc.) For that, and for Cyrus telling Rhino to break Spike's leg, which means Spike's out of action, healing, for another nine months (!), Spike's gonna rip Cyrus a new butt-hole. This brings out Rhino, who snarls that if anybody's gonna get a new butt-hole, it's Spike Dudley. Spike squares off at the "Rookie Monster", preparing to sell his life dearly... What the...? White Zombie?! Holy cow, it's Gary freakin' Wolfe! I thought ol' Pitbull #1 was gone for good four years ago with a broken neck! Ye gods, he's as big as Rhino! Match #!: Rhino (w/ Cyrus) d. Gary "Pitbull#1" Wolfe (w/ Little Spike Dudley) ECW World Television Title defense, (Rhino w/piledriver through table/pin, 1:29) JS says that ECW stars both past and present are sick of what Cyrus has done to ECW. (Uhh, yeah, okay, Joey. Whatever you say.) Wolfe opens with a flurry of punches that just rock Rhino out of his boots. Ten seconds later, Wolfe delivers a vicious spinning heel-kick that floors Rhino. One spinebuster later, and Wolfe's going for a table. After setting up a "leaner" in the corner, Wolfe tried to powerbomb Rhino through it, but Rhino reversed it and Wolfe did the table dive. Cyrus set up a table outside the ring, which Rhino used in his (sloppily delivered!) piledriver from the ring apron. 1,2,3, and Rhino successfully defended his title yet again. We cut to, who is that, Raven? Looks like he's going to sp- No, we cut to some Commercials. Lots of commercials. Whole acres of commercials. Has this show been infected by the "WCW Saturday Morning" virus? Sheesh! Match #2 Yoshihiro Tajiri d. Jerry Lynn (Dropkick/pin, we saw 7:36) Styles and Gertner discuss the genesis of this feud, with accompanying video to support their version of the truth. The match starts outside the ring, with chops and kicks, until Lynn nailed Tajiri with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Aw sure, Heyman, why not just jam some more Commercials In here. After all, it's YOUR show, isn't it? And don't mind us, we're just the fans! We come back to the match in time to see Cyrus at ringside attired in a Jerry Lynn T-shirt, and being ID'ed as Jerry Lynn's trainer by Styles and Gertner. Joel calls Lynn the "Network's man" because Cyrus is in his corner, cheering him on. Meanwhile, Lynn got in a flurry of punches and chops, topping it all off with a German suplex, a nice bridge, and a cover,1,2, No! Lynn next tries a tornado DDT, cover, 1,2, and a half, no! Tajiri just kicks out! Tajiri, recovering somewhat, tries some offense of his own, and wallops Lynn with an inverted DDT, but misses a two count on a pin attempt. Lynn recovers, and counters a Tajiri whip with a superplex out of the far corner, and again only gets two for his efforts. Missile dropkick to the back of the neck flattens Lynn, but no pin as Lynn kicked out. Lynn's response was a Roaring Elbow, but he released it too soon, and wound up injuring the elbow. Tajiri used this respite to grapevine Lynn into the "Octopus" submission hold. Cyrus jumped into the ring and gor a blast of Tajiri's Green Mist right in the face. Tajiri unwrapped the octopus off Lynn, and promptly hooked Cyrus into his "Tarantula" submission hold using the ropes. As Cyrus howled in pain, Team Network's Steve Corino arrived on the scene, took one look at Tajiri's hold on the hollering Cyrus... ...and promptly nailed Jerry Lynn with a standing superkick! Yeah, I don't know why, either! Lynn goes down in a heap, which Tajiri sees, and promptly pins Lynn for the win. Gertner, who had been nattering on about Jerry Lynn being a Network stooge, suddenly changed his tune, saying that Steve Corino's actions prove that Jerry Lynn was with ECW and not the Network! More commercials. Justin Credible sits across a table from Francine, who's top is apparently undergoing a severe stress test at the moment. Francine's got a simpering smile on her face. Credible's all hot and bothered... ...but only about the ECW World Heavyweight title belt, and how he's not gonna let anybody, especially the Sandman, take it from him! Uhh, Justin, when they say "eyes on the prize" you gotta know WHICH prize, first! Match #3: Simon Diamond & Johnny Swinger (w/"Cirque du Soleil" Rejects) d. Danny Doring & Roadkill d. Nova & Chris Chetti, "Three Way Dance" rules tag-team match, (Diamond w/ "Simonizer" on Nova/ pin 2:32, Diamond/Swinger DDT on Doring/pin, 4:02) As a Pier Six brawl ensues in the ring, Styles and Gertner show ECW Hardcore TV footage of the breakup of the Dangerous Alliance at the hands of Diamond/Swinger. The Alliance's C.W.Anderson just walks away from the fracas, leaving poor Bill Wiles to take the hellish beat-down all by his lonesome. Back to the Pier Six, where Nova & Chetti are just whomping on Diamond, while Doring & Roadkill are beating the tar out of Swinger. Diamond & Swinger bail out, leaving Nova/Chetti to sort out things with Doring/Roadkill. The "sortin' out" involves a whip of Doring by Nova & Chetti. Doring vaults off Roadkill's broad back, over the top rope, and does a beautiful pescado that flattens Diamond, Swinger, and the rest of the Rejects, tumbling them all into a heap. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Nova & Chetti are working over Roadkill something fierce. Chetti continues to wallop Roadkill, while Nova drags Diamond back in, and Doring clobbers Swinger and the rest of the Rejects on the outside. When Swinger comes back in, he and Diamond try a clothesline on Nova, only to have Nova duck. Roadkill wants in on the fun, and nails Diamond and Swinger with a running double clothesline. Aw, shoot, here comes C.W. Anderson in to clobber everyone. Can't Nova & Chetti win just ONE, for cryin' out loud?! Spinebuster on Roadkill by Anderson, and Nova hits a follow-up Swanton Bomb on the big guy, and goes for a two-count cover. Diamond's back in with a "Simonizer" finisher on Nova, getting the pin and eliminating Nova & Chetti. Sigh. Oh, well. Doring goes after Diamond, followed by Roadkill with that Lancaster thingie of his, and a cover,1,2, Swinger breaks up the count. Diamond and Swinger nail Roadkill with a double Russian legsweep, and a cover,1,2, and Doring makes the save this time. Powerslam by roadkill on Swinger, and Doring goes up to the top turnbuckle for a "Danaconda" attempt. Chris Chetti's got other ideas, and shoves Doring off the top turnbuckle to the mat. Doring staggers to his feet, only to become the third man on a Diamond/Swinger double DDT finisher, as the Rejects are busy roughing up ol' Roadkill. Swinger with the cover on Doring, 1,2,3, it's all over. Commercials. ECW Arena Football promo. TNN must have got the word, after that dumbass "Heidi" they pulled three weeks ago. I am STILL p.o.-ed about it! We come back to Match #4: Justin Credible (w/ Francine) d. The Sandman, ECW World Heavyweight Title defense, ("That's Incredible" finisher/pin, we saw 7:10). (Styles says that the rest of the show will air commercial-free. So that's why we had to endure that virtual infomercial earlier. Must be a good match, right? RIGHT?! Your Special Guest Referee is the lovely and recently un-hobbled Dawn Marie, who can fill out a referee shirt quite nicely, thank you. Dawn Marie gets into the ring, and into Francine's face, only to get whacked on the back of the head by a kendo stick-wielding Justin Credible. This brings out the Sandman, with his usual awesome entrance and terrifying Metallica theme music being howled at war emergency volume by the "Demographic." While this is going on, lets check out the ecwwrestlingdotcom promo, and ECW's Upcoming Events Calendar: 7/16: Los Angeles, CA (HeatWave 2K PPV) ("sleep with one eye o-pen...") 7/21 Decatur, IL (Warning! Tough crowd! Bring a flak jacket!) ("huggin' your pil-low tight...") 7/22 Peoria, IL ("Endless night!") 7/28 Dallas, TX ("Ends tonight!") 7/29 Houston, TX ("Take my ha-a-a-a-a-nd...") 8/11 Ft. Lauderdale, FL (Warning! REALLY tough crowd, etc.) ("...Off to Never-Never Land!") 8/12 St. Petersburg, FL We come back to find the match already underway, and on the outside of the ring, no less. The Sandman wallops Credible a couple of times, then tosses him over the steel guardrail. Sandman goes and gets Credible, dragging him back over the guardrail and towards the entryway. Another whip into the railing to keep Credible doubled over in pain, and the Sandman goes backstage... ...and comes back with a by-God real-life shipping pallet! It gets tossed in the ring, followed by a thrown-in Justin Credible. The Sandman sets up the pallet as a "leaner" in the corner, then hauls off and whips Credible right into it. The pallet makes a satisfyingly crunchy sound, or that may be Credible's vertebrae. The Sandman drags the pallet to mid-ring, then bounces Credible's noggin off the pallet with a running bulldog. There's a cover,1,2, Credible gets a shoulder up! Cross corner whip by the Sandman sends Credible over the top turnbuckle in his version of the Flair Flip, followed by a tumble to the floor below. The Sandman sets up the pallet again in the opposite corner, collars Credible for another cross-corner whip. But Credible sees what's coming, reverses the whip, and sends the Sandman shoulder-first into the pallet. Credible goes for the kendo stick, but Sandman's got enough presence of mind to duck a wild swing. Sandman goes for a clothesline, but Credible evades the move, and the referee gets walloped. Credible with a superkick staggers the Sandman, but not enough to set him up for the charge-in by the champion, as he neatly sidesteps the move. Credible's momentum takes him high off the top turnbuckle, allowing the Sandman to boot him in the gut, and then crotch him on the top turnbuckle. The Sandman goes up top, has Credible do a couple/three unwilling "Head-bobs" in his crotch area, and then hits his "Heineken-rana" off the top turnbuckle. Sandman goes for the cover, and here's "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes in to do the count,1,2, and Francine breaks up the pinfall attempt. Rhodes is on his feet, and Francine may be about to get more action than even SHE can handle, when Team Network storms the ring to save what's left of Francine's honor. Dusty's not havin' any today, thank you, and proceeds to "Bionic Elbow" everybody he can reach. This Pier Six brawl heads out of the ring, and Francine's suddenly faced with a thoroughly pissed-off Sandman. To give the girl credit, she does try to defend herself with the kendo stick, the last lick to Sandman's head staggering him. And here's Gorgeous George out to settle Francine's hash once and for all, though we don't get the obligatory "Catfight! Catfight! Ca-a-atfi-i-i-ght!" from either Styles or Gertner. (Joel Gertner's not really able to do or say much at all, he's slobbering so badly over Francine and George goin' at it!) Credible and Sandman are left in the ring as the catfight spills onto the floor. The Sandman wallops Credible, then does his White Russian leg sweep for the takedown. There's a cover, as "Extreme Official" H.C. Loc counts 1,2, but Scotty Anton comes out to pull H.C. Loc out of the ring. Anton clobbers Sandman a bit, then whips him into referee Loc. Loc's down for the count, as Anton sets the Sandman in the corner, and drives a running knee-lift deep in his breadbasket... ... and here's Raven out to nail Scotty Anton with an Evenflo DDT. Credible goes after Raven, and blindsides him with the kendo stick. Raven and Anton grapple briefly in the ring, then begin brawling down the entry-way and into the back. Meanwhile, Justin Credible has a table in the ring. He boots the Sandman in the gut again, then sets up another "leaner" in the corner. Credible tries for a vertical suplex, but the Sandman blocks it. A German suplex attempt gets blocked as well, then the Sandman gives Credible an in-seam adjustment with his boot, followed by a hip-toss that sends Justin credible through his own table. Sandman goes for the cover, but there's no referee, so the crowd's doing the count. They get all the way to "six" before Rhino scoots in under the bottom rope and gores the unsuspecting Sandman back through the wreckage of the table. This gives Justin Credible all the advantage he needs, and he promptly nails the Sandman with his "That's Incredible!" finisher for the pin and the win. Post-match, we get Tommy Dreamer and Jazz out to settle Credible's hash for him, while Rhino continues his assault and battery on the Sandman outside the ring. Jazz has brought along some barbed wire, which Dreamer proceeds to use as "ground zero" for his "Dreamer Driver" on Justin Credible's head. Whoops! Looks like Tommy's butt ate a lot of the barbed wire as well. He's back on his feet, barbed wire still hanging off his butt, and he and Jazz do their pose-down to the cheers of this Chicago "Odeum" crowd... Closing credits. See you next week. E.C. Ostermeyer [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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