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/4 August 2000



Guest columnist: Butch Rosser


Nope, that wasn't a typo. I asked E.C. for the job, and he having more important things to tend to, let me, the Quintiessential Lifeless Wonder, take the helm here. So, let's have a prayer for Sir Guiness, best wishes to Mrs. Ostermayer, and let's settle into the recap of the best non-Iron Chef show on Friday nights. Can someone tell me what the fuck is up with that salamander always on right before the show starts? I'm just wondering.

So much is compacted into this show that we go to a World Television Title defense already in progress. Rhino (your champion) eats a tornado DDT off a table by the challenging Nova for a two count. Nova ascends, and misses his own move, the senton bomb. SENTON. NOT SWANTON. That drives me absotively insane. Anyway, Rhino Gores him through the table, three count, drive in, drive out. (:36) The irony of Nova jobbing to one of the eight moves he didn't invent is too much to go into detail here, so let's see that...

ECW open---if you play it backwards it says "Please, USA, PLEASE!" And my computer is playing "Keep 'Em Seperated" as I type that.

We are all the way live to tape [7.29] from Houston, Tejas' own Astrodome Pavillion. The seats are full of "The Demographic"--you know, the guys that cheer chair shots and reversal sequences---including if memory serves me correctly, a sad puro mark who's the propietor of the MFBH. As mandated by law, your hosts are the nattily clad Joseph Styles Esq, and... Joel

"I was with this stripper named Alexis, she couldn't BELIEVE how good my sex is When we were in the back of my rented Lexus, and I ["screw"ed] her right here in Houston, Texas"

A huge "GERT-NER! GERT-NER!" chant arises, and Joel makes me smile by throwing in the Happy Chicken before finishing up. Before we get too friendly, in comes the Don of Heeldom hisself, Cyrus. The crowd gives him the Vince Chant. He says after Gertner punked him out at HeatWave (as Joey laughs but being a company man disguises it), he's got a wrestling license to put an end to poetry corner for good. Cue up "Highway to Hell" (?) and out comes Lil' Spike Dudley in an oversized knee brace and sports coat. Spike ushers our hosts out and kindly asks Mr. Network to shut the f-bomb up. He states that since Heyman's out handlin' his bidness {Cyrus: It looks like he lent you his clothes. What are you, his parasitic twin?}, that the former World Tag Champeen will be booking tonight. And we won't be seeing Cyrus/Gertner, but rather Cyrus and the Sandman. Cue up Three Men and a Baby's "Enter Sandman" and there, amongst the Francine 4:69 shirts, and a disturbing array of devil/rock and roll signs is the happy-go-lucky family man himself. We get (:50) of the ambiance before we browse a few

Commercials, including one for Extreme Evolution and one for the Hotline.

We come back for our (chortle) match. Cyrus eats a CANE SHOT OF DOOM. Or a CSOD if you willll. Rhino runs in and eats THREE CSODs. The Worst World Champion makes his way in, and he must be equally as hardcore as the TV Champ, as he too eats 3 CSODs. Credible ducks a fourth and hits the John Davidson on Sandman. Spike jumps on Rhino's back. Bad idea. Rhino then proceeds to toss Spike on his back, takes him out to the apron, and Lorifies him through the poor timekeeper's table. Ouch. Justin, Metallica T-shirt and all, is stomping away on the poster boy for beer when out of the back comes the ever-heroic....Chilly Willy? Zuh? Whilst I ponder that, everyone's favorite dye job is a Homeboy Afire with edumacated hands that scatter the heels. A still dazed Cyrus backs into Frazier. He offers him cash and a handshake. Willy's using the barter system apparently, and proceeds to Falcon Arrow him. DOWN GOES CYRUS! DOWN GOES CYRUS! And with everyone in a better mood, it's time for some...

Commericals. They sucked. Go to It doesn't. :) (That's what they said about R, too. - CRZ)

After that shameless display of pimping, Guido Moritado (alongside paisans Tony Mamaluke and Sal E. Graziano) as well as Mikey (alongside eternal master the Sinister Minister) enter the ring for a match. Before we can, you know, see anything good, we get a 1bob replay of last week where Guido and Sal punked out MUHFUH TAJ!R! and took his spot in a match against Psychosis, which he lost thanks to TAJ!R! interference.

Look! More commercials! "Coyote Ugly" (there's a Demographic movie if ever there was one) and the playoffs of ArenaBall! Big ups to my cousin Gary Mullen, Arena Football legend and Hall of Famer. If I'm kidding may you put a holed bedsheet on my head and point me out to New Jack.

Before we can actually start, Chicken Hawk Mamaluke tries to get after Mikey and is restrained by Guido. The talented lightweights lock it up, and Guido manages to push Mikey into a corner. Once there, he lays in a back elbow, a couple of shoulder tackles to the gut, and twice takes him to WHOO! BY GOD! Flair country. He attempts a third, and fails, and Whipwreck, WHOO!ing along, takes the Italian to WHOO! BY GOD! Flair country three times. Mikey then does the mandated-by-face-law 10-count punch, pausing at eight to make sure the crowd's with him--and he finishes the deed. Cross corner whip (wreck) evoided by Guido, whose go-behind is reversed. Mikey attempts to send Guido to Germania but Moritado lands on his feet. Guido re-attempts the lock-up and Whipper back elbows his way out and counters a Guido leapfrog by kicking him as hard as he possibly can in the theme park upon landing. {You'd think SOMEONE would use that as a finisher, or at least a set-up.}

M Dub follows up that piece of coolness with a tilty whirly backbreaker for a two. Guido sends Mikey in for the ride as C.H. Mamaluke gets to the apron, but Mikey counters with a baseball slide out and a facebuster that sends CHM onto the apron in a bad way. Guido attempts to pescadofy Mikey but he messes that up and gets the recovering CHM, allowing Mikey to execute a crisp Satanic Follower Outta Control Somersault Plancha on the both of them. Mikey--since he's EVIL--tries to take out Sal too, and Sal merely catches him, praises Allah, and eats his children. OK, just the first one. But Mikey counters Sal's lawn-dart attempt to the post by shoving his corpulent arse into it. Mikey takes the recovering Guido--they up high--supersuplay! Only two, however. Guido brakes on a cross-corner whip, and the ref is occupied with asking Sal just how many of the new planets orbit him. This allows CMH and LGM to execute a crisp second-rope double side Italian dressing. CMH rolls out in time to see Guido get two. Guido stomps away as the crowd chants for the devil one (go fig). Guido reverses another cross-corner whip and executes the Sicilian Slice for another 2. Joel would like a calzone with that. Joey informs him he might not be getting one since they're in HOUSTON and all. Try a carne asada burrito with some sauce, Joel. You'll dig it.

Anywhoo, Guido snaps Mikey over and hits a sit-out dropkick for 2. Mikey catches Guido ducking off of a whip and hits a swinging DDT for 2. Mikey snaps Guido with a Rubin Carterrana and somersault legdrop sending Guido into the apron, and that's a near-fall too. Guido eyepokes him to borrow time, and ends up on the business end of a Whippersnapper! But the ref is talking to Fat Salbert and CHM guillotine legdrops Mikey in the back of the head. It's a good thing he kicks out or I would've complained quite a bit. Guido tries to end this with a Kiss of Death but Mikey crucifix counters for two. Mikey gets held up by Salbert, so OF COURSE the ref goes over there since he's in love with the Fat Bastard or something. Guido leapfrogs a charging Mikey, who in turn eats a bitch-ass CHAIR SHOT OF DOOM from CMH and gets rolled up for 3?! Bah. This stupid country. (5:48) FBI gives Mikey the business and the crowd buzzes? OH. 'Cause here comes MUHFUH TAJ!R! ! Sit-out dropkick takes out Guido & Chicken. Salbert hits Tajiri from behind and preps him for a chokeslam---GREEN MIST! Two kicks to the knee and a whomp-ass KICK OF NECESSARY TORI SPELLING SURGERY later, the FBI has scattered. And with the helping hand of the Sinista Minista, we have a new alliance in the form of TAJ!R! and Whipwreck. Yea! I love this country! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Out of every hour of television, sixteen minutes are commercials. Some aired here. is NOT one. We refuse to bow to the Man's will, consarn it.

Replay of what just happened, 1bob providing the funding for such technology. There's a Hardcore TV plug for a Kid Kash/RVD match, which since someone up there hates me, I won't get to see for another week. Joey and Joel talk about the impending trifecta and main event, plug HCTV, and bow their heads in tribute to Gordon Solie.

Gordon was the FRIGGIN' MAN. Enough said.

After some more commies, the moment I've been waiting for, as we've got a three-way dance between Mr. Old School Steve Corino, MUHFUH TAJ!R!, and /JERRY LYNN! E.C., don't worry about hurrying back. :) Corino stalls to start since the other sides of the triangle hate him. Lynn and Tajiri look like they're going to go after each other, but Corino rushes and fails at a double line attempt. Lynn and Tajiri proceed to alternate shots on the Jersey boy, and a double whip leads to him eating a Tajiri spin heel kick. Lynn shows no mercy either, lining Corino up and out before missing a line on Tajiri. Cross-corner whip from the former TV Champ, reversal sequence to the Mexican stand-off. Applause from the Houstoners. Lynn fakes a tie up and hits a boot, whips Tajiri in and...yeah, baby! MUHFUH HANDSPR!NG ELBOW! Corino's after Tajiri, punch blocked, kicked in the knee and head, and a sit-out dropkick onto Steve. Lynn's back for Tajiri now, cross corner whip and Tajiri moves to apply the Tarantula~! Corino breaks that up, leaving a hurt Lynn at his feet and Tajiri outside to try to fend off Jack Victory. Off of a whip, Corino hits a leg lariat for two. Corino and Lynn go blow for blow toe to toe like whoa for a stretch. Lynn with a go behind but Corino counters with the kick of temporary impotence and baseball slides Tajiri on the floor. As he and Victory doule-team Tajiri, Lynn recovers and flies the friendly skies with a plancha that gets both of them and leaves Tajiri unscathed. An EC Dub chant goes through the Pavilion as Tajiri gets back in for a short rest. Lynn makes it to the apron and his reward is a kick to the head from Tajiri. Lynn counters a suplex attempt, runs the ropes and ducks a kick attempt. Lynn goes for the Germanplex but Tajiri lands on his feet and executes a crisp Rubin Carterrana before Corino tunes him up with a superkick. Lynn sets Tajiri up and ducks a Corino line. Tajiri backdrops out and hits a rolling GREEN MIST shot on Corino! Lynn has Tajiri again---ROCK THE CRADLE PILEDRIVER OF LOVE, BAY-BEE! Tajiri's out after that. (3:51)

Lou E. is there to clean out Corino's eyes and we have a minute's rest. Corino jabs away at Lynn, do a little dance, bionic elbow to the head! Ah, he misses the follow-up though. Lynn's whip is reversed and held, Lynn tries the Fame Lynner and gets countered into a sit-down powerbomb by Corino for two. Crowd chants Jerry because they rock. Corino cross-corner whips Lynn, boot counter from Lynn. Tornado DDT attempt denied, Northern Lights suplay attempt denied, Corino misses another line and Lynn hits the back suplex for 2. Jerry chant growing in size as Lynn hits a sidewalk slam and ascends. Corino catches him momentarily but Lynn hits a ~YINZER BOMB~! for a two count. (For those of you unfamilliar with OWF terminology, a Yinzer Bomb--the finishing move of Max Chittister--is a top-rope sunset flip into a powerbomb.) Lynn struggles up, Corino blocks his suplay attempt for one of his own but Lynn floats over and plants him with an inverse DDT for two. Our double J announce team put over Corino's guts as Lynn sends him to WHOO! BY GOD! Flair country twice. Lynn's cross-corner whip is reversed, but Lynn counters a Corino charge with a twisty roll-up, which leads to 5 near falls in about half a minute. Crowd picking up as a Lynn whip attempt is grapevined into a deep, deep Corino powerslam for two. Corino ascends, and is crotched. Lynn just scrambles his cells with a DDT and punks out Victory. Ref gets to two before Lou E. Dangerously pulls him out. Sadly, Jerry goes to punk out Sign Guy for this, and this allows him to toss in the cell phone. He gets one-punched out, and Corino blasts him one with the phone. Is that the first time it worked all year? Seems like. But because Lynn, you know, _saved a kid's life while hurt and rules the free world_, he kicks out at two. Corino goes for a slam, go behind,, never mind that because Anton's out and Lynn's going after him. Anton stun guns Jerry and Corino hits a modified Rude Awakening/reverse Twist of Fate to pick up the win. (10:13) Good idea: Get Corino over by beating two kick-ass guys. Lame execution of good idea: Have three idiots practically hand him the win. I hope this impending face turn lets Corino show he doesn't need THAT much help to be the man.

Anyway, the Network beats Lynn down and after a RVD chant, "Man In The Box" fires up and Tommy Dreamer cleans house, culminating with throwing Anton up and out. Lynn and Corino slug it out and Jazz sets up a ladder in a corner. Man, Tommy's valets have gotten progressively uglier. Anyway, up the stairs, slam Anton into aluminum, ECW pose, down the stairs. That took about two minutes. THIS MATCH BEITH THE PRETZ, YO. Dreamer sets up a ladder from apron to guardrail. He attempts to bulldog Anton onto it, but Anton recognises it as his cue to push Tommy off into it since this IS a Dreamer match. Anton gets The Clap going (to moderate success? Zuh?) because if there ever was a WCW song that came close to touching "I'm Da Mountie" it was "American Males". Anton gets the ladder inside the ring and beats Dreamer, who's working a (.3 Muta) as we finally get in the ring! The ring! I thought that thing looked dimly familiar. Anton hits the hHh running knee but his cross corner whip gets reversed and Anton eats the ladder. Tommy does a Clap/crotch chop to the amusement of the crowd. Tommy throws the ladder down and Jazz tosses in a pair of chairs on which to set the ladder up. Lemme guess: Dreamer's suplex reversed into a front suplex. WRONG! Standard suplex. This IS my first time, you know. ECDub chant for that and Anton applies a shoddy Claptrap. While the ref looks at Dreamer, Jazz dings Scotty with a chair shot and gets spinebustered after trying the Jazz Stinger. Anton gets out of a DDT attempt by pushing Dreamer onto a chair, and....hey! Jerry Lynn's out! ROCK THE CRADLE PILEDRIVER OF LOVE, BAY-BEE! (Ref was ocupado con Jazz.) Dreamer puts a chair on Anton, second-rope elbow...for 3? All right. (8:43)

1bob serves up tasty highlights of Billy Corgan's involvement last week.

8-5 Columbus, OH
8-11 Ft. Lauderdale, FL
8-12 St. Pete, FL
8-18 Virginia Beach, VA
8-19 ECW Arena
8-25 & 8-26 Big doubleheader in New Yawk
9-7 Cleveland, OH
9-8 Buffalo, NY
9-9 Mississauga, Ontario

Cyrus states that Sandman and Chilly Willy must be punished for standing up to him. So he teams the singles champs to face them in the first round of the tag tournament despite Credible's legit protesting that he threw those belts down. Rhino has some nice threats directed at Chilly Willy and the Sandman to finish us up this week. I don't care WHAT you say, that boy ain't right.

That's all for this week. You've been great. Enjoy the Hues Corporation.

Butch Rosser
[slash] wrestling

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission