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/8 September 2000

ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer




This week's offering from the Arena of Extreme is from Day 2 (taped 26 August 2000) of ECW's sojourn at New York City's Hammerstein Ballroom.
I'm your recapper, ol' E.C. himself.

Somewhere in this heaving, hollering mass of ECW "Fan Demographic" is Larry Musso, Slash Wrestling's on-the-spot eyewitness to wrestling history. His eyewitness reports are chock-full of stuf you won't see on camera, and can be accessed here.

Way to go, Larry.
You ROCK, sir!

Your hosts are the sartorially splendid Joey Styles, and that ol' fashion trend-setter himself, Joel Gertner.
This week' Gertner fashion statement is a neck brace in just-fabulous faux-rattlesnake-skin, and a feral glint in his piggy little eyes.

Day 2's crowd here at the "Hammer" is, if anything, even more raucous than the rowdies that packed the place on Day 1.

"Poetry Corner With Joel" is brought to you by "Big Al's Nasty Rubber Novelties" of Paramus (Take Route 6, and we're just off the Frontage Road between Campmor and Dave's Vacuum and Gun Shop.)
Remember, if your rubber novelty AIN'T nasty, it AIN'T Big Al's!

"It is I,
the man for whom she begs
the bacon in her eggs
and the face between her legs...
...the quintessential stud-muffin,

I did twelve Rockettes outside Radio City Music Hall
I did another fifteen when I got inside
I did this New York Knicks cheerleader right on the 7-Train
and she paid me a roll of tokens for the ride!
And inside the lions' cage at the Bronx Zoo
I've even got my rocks off there
But last night I put my arm around the Statue of Liberty
And I NAILED her in the heart of Times Square..."
(Loud cheering and hollering from the "Demographic.")


This, of course, brings out Don "Cyrus the Virus" Callis, (who gets spat upon by some goofus scum fan at ramp-side) to announce that ol' potty mouth Gertner, his Ken-doll sidekick , and the whole of "ECW on TNN" have been CANCELLED!
And where better to do it than a town like the Big Apple, or words to that effect.
Cyrus challenges Gertner and Styles to take a poke at him. Gertner's ready to make Cyrus a soprano, (no, not the mob bunch!) with his foot, as is Joey Styles. Cyrus compounds his heelish tirade by challenging anybody in this pest-hole of a town to take their best shot at ol' "Mr. Network" here.
Out comes Paul Heyman in full-bore "Paul E. Dangerously"-mode to clock Cyrus one right in the head with the cellular phone.
This brings out Rhino, along with heel referee Danny Daniels, and a table. Rhino proceeds to gore and squash Heyman.
Cyrus taunts the crowd, daring anybody else to take a shot.
Well, guess what, one fan actually does charge the ring, only to get swarmed on by the "Atlas Security" guys and the ECW "Black Suits."
As the cops arrive to drag this Stupid Bastard off the hoosegow, Rhino nails one of "New York's Finest" right in the jimmies. This gets a shocked gasp from the crowd, and a roar of anger from the other cops and security types, all of whom start grabbing for various weapons and restraints.
The ring fills up in about five seconds with a struggling, pummeling, heaving mass of ECW "talent," all bent on getting a piece of Rhino, each other, and a "souvenir" or two off ol' Cyrus!
Kid Kash leaps from the top turnbuckle right onto the Pier Six Brawl, and (WAY cool!) gets "body-surfed" onto Rhino. As Rhino and Kid Kash square off, and the brawl continues

Metallica cranks up.
The crowd noise "pegs the meter", and is so loud the show's audio signal starts breaking up.
We get a shot of the cops showing the Stupid Bastard some previously inaccessible parts of his own anatomy.
Balls Mahoney is trying to turn somebody into a hand puppet.
The Sandman comes out through the crowd, and shares several cold ones with ecstatic fans at ringside, as the ring empties of all save Rhino and a battered Kid Kash.
The Sandman reaches the ring, has a few choice words for Rhino, who returns them with interest. Sandman decides that a more direct method of communication is needed, and whacks Rhino in the head about six or seven times with the his Singapore cane, staggering the Big F'n Deal. Rhino is still able to recover, and gores the Sandman but good. The Pier Six Brawl is still going on at ringside, as Rhino drags the Sandman out of the ring, and up the ramp, clobbering him as he goes. The Rhino-Sandman battle gets lost in the battling mass of wrestlers outside the ring, and Kid Kash takes this opportunity to leap off the top turnbuckle, and nail a towering plancha on everybody brawling at ringside!
This gets the crowd chanting "ECW!" and "Ho-ly Shit!" simultaneously. Cool!

As the wrestlers disentangle themselves, Kid Kash and Rhino take their fight back to the ring, and we get underway with

Match #1 Kid Kash d. Rhino for the ECW World Television Championship (Double flying legdrop (w/ RVD)/Kid Kash pins, let's say it took 5:35 or so, okay)

Kid Kash nails Rhino with a snap hurancanrana. Rhino ripostes by goring Kid Kash but good.
This brings out Rob Van Dam, w/ Bill Alfonso, steel chair, and appropriate entrance music. RVD tosses the chair to Rhino and sticks a Van Daminator via standing dropkick. Rhino collapses in a heap in the far corner. Fonzie gets the chair, and holds it in front of Rhino face, as RVD makes a tremendous leap and NAILS Rhino with a Van Terminator. Rhino, stunned senseless, topples over slowly like a felled tree. Kid Kash recovers, and he and RVD climb opposite turnbuckle stacks, then hit Rhino hard with a double flying legdrop. Kash rolls Rhino up, hooks one massive far leg, and gets the pin and the win, becoming the ECW World Television Champion.

ECW Hotline promo.

Onewrestlingdotcom shows the (temporary) end of Rhino's Title reign at the hands of RVD and Kid Kash.

Vignette time.
We get the Sinister Minister, Mikey Whipwreck, and Yoshihiro Tajiri standing in the middle of Times Square, with the traffic just boiling around them. We also get the odd friendly honk or two from those drivers who 1) are ECW fans and 2) recognized the trio for who they are.
The Padre starts off by saying that, since he hasn't slept since 1972, he's had a lot of time on his hands. The way he likes to spend this extra time is thinking evil thoughts and beaming them at the Full Blooded Italians. "Like the incubus I am, I'm screwing with their minds. But I am nowhere near as sick and twisted as the new ECW World tag-team champs, Mikey Whipwreck and Yoshihiro Tajiri!"
Tajiri, just grinning like a possum, cuts a promo in what sounds like fluent Spanish! This astounds Mikey, until the Padre points out that the "true devil speaks with many tongues! Hahahahahaha's" all around.
Is that WWF New York in the background?


Styles and Gertner shill for the upcoming match between Balls Mahoney and Blue Boy, who are getting ready in the ring.
But first

More commercials.
Making hay while the sun shines, and you still got a national TV show, eh, Paul?

Match #2: Balls Mahoney d. Blue Boy (w/ Jasmin St. Clair), (chair-shot to the noggin/pin, we saw 3:55 or so.)

We get back from the last commercial set to find the match underway, with Balls Mahoney in control, and just pounding the heck out of Blue Boy. The crowd is hollering "Balls!" with every blow.
(By the way, Jasmin St. Clair may be a world record-holding porn star and all, but she's got a voice like a band saw cutting sheet metal tonight. Sheesh!)
Balls goes for a couple of pretty good looking moves on Blue Boy, but gets waffled when Blue Boy clotheslines him. Giant slam by Blue Boy, who follows up with a "Bionic Elbow" and a pin attempt, but Balls kicks out at 2.
Balls gets draped neck-first across the bottom rope. While Blue Boy's arguing with the referee, Ms. St. Clair takes the opportunity to swing on Balls' head and choke him with the bottom rope.
Balls struggles to his feet, only to get foot-swept by Blue Boy, and dropped to the mat. Cover, but only a 1 count this time, as Balls hits his power surge and comes roaring back to life. He no-sells a bunch of punches by Blue Boy, hollers "F*ck you, you piece of sh*t (suitably bleeped), and proceeds to clobber Blue Boy but good.
Clothesline and a cover by Balls, two count only. "Ballbreaker" finisher, cover, two count again. Balls goes up top, and nails a "New Jersey Jam", but Jasmin's got referee H.C. Loc's (rapt) attention, and the ref. doesn't count.
Balls goes over to remedy the situation. He reaches past H.C. Loc, grabs a big handful of Ms. St. Clair's hair, and, in one of the gutsiest moves I've ever seen, plants her a big ol' smoocheroo right on the mouth!
Gertner: "Hey, Jasmin has got a mouthful of Balls!"
Or maybe it's all that booze that Mahoney got pickled with tending bar at ECW New York last night?
Either way, that kiss sure took a lot of

(Sorry , bad pun!)

Back to the action as the Blue Boy tries for a whip, only to get it shortstopped and countered by Balls use of a superkick right in the head.
Balls grabs up his chair, waits for Blue Boy to present a suitable target, and nails him with a vicious chair shot. Cover, 1,2,3!
Post-match, Jasmin St. Clair tries a chair shot of her own on Balls Mahoney, and winds upon the receiving end of the "Nutcracker Suite." Balls then positions the unconscious Ms. St. Clair on top of Blue Boy in a classic "sixty-nine" position, and great is the mirth at ringside thereof. Gertner says that Jasmin St. Clair has gone down. Joey Styles rejoins that it didn't even cost Joel a token!

"ECW Hardcore TV" footage shows the Tag-team Quarterfinals match, where Rhino and Justin Credible defeated Rob Van Dam and Kid Kash, Spike Dudley's Acid Drop on Rhino, and Credible's subsequent squashing of Spike. The Semifinal match ends with Jerry Lynn nailing Credible with a cradle piledriver. Further footage shows C.W. Anderson pinning Jerry Lynn with the connivance of heel referee Danny Daniels.

Over to "ECW New York", where the biggest, baddest bouncer I've ever seen throws a patron out and rips off his left leg in the process! Whew, the leg's artificial, and he tosses it back to it's battered owner.

(Note: The ECW's Upcoming Events Calendar as aired on 9/6/2K is out of date, the schedule being in a state of flux, owing to many house show date changes and cancellations. Stay tuned for further updates.)


Match #3: Full-Blooded Italians (w/ Sal E. Graziano) d. Mikey Whipwreck & Yoshihiro Tajiri (w/ Sinister Minister) for the ECW World Tag Team Titles, (Guido w/ "Kiss of Death" finisher on Tajiri/pin, 11:15)

Match stipulation is that the FBI's must break up as a team if they lose.
Mikey Whipwreck and Tony Mamaluke start things off with a rousing set of chain wrestling moves, ending with a "Whippersnapper" attempt by Mikey that Tony blocks. A hip-toss exchange later, and Mikey garrotes Tony on the ropes. Belly-to-back suplex by Mikey gets reversed by Tony into a German suplex. Mikey escapes and hits a facebuster that leaves Tony seeing stars. Tony tags in Little Guido, and Mikey tags in Tajiri.
Guido's got some words for Tajiri, and a slap to the face for punctuation. Tajiri responds with a blur of rapid-fire moves culminating with a slap of his own.
The crowd's on it's feet by this time, and just cheering like crazy.
Guido, temporarily in control, tags in Tony, who runs into the full force of the Japanese Buzzsaw. Multiple kicks and punches leave Tony groggy and disoriented. Tag to Mikey, and the champs double team Tony all over the ring.
Mikey lands on Tony's back, then hold Tony upside down and let's Tajiri kick him in the face.
Guido' s in to save his partner, only to get his feet swept from under him by Tajiri. Bow and Arrow submission hold by Tajiri on Tony, while Mikey ties up Guido in an inverted stretch submission, with hair-pull chaser.
No submissions forthcoming, so the holds are broken, allowing the FBI bail outside and huddle up. The confab gets a rude interruption as Tajiri nails the lot of them with a towering Asahi moonsault. Back in the ring, Tajiri and Mikey set up a table.
Guido, the first one on his team to his feet, tries to drag the table out of the ring, only to get it kicked squarely in his face by Tajiri. Big Sal tries for a grab, but has to duck as Mikey shoots a chair across it at Big Sal's head. Another attempt by Big Sal to enter the ring gets yet another chair shot. This one catches Big Sal squarely amidships, and he collapses across the top rope.
Jeez, look at that ring-post BEND, would you?
Mikey takes advantage of this newly constructed launch facility to leap-frog off Big Sal's back, and nail Guido and Tony with a cross-body block.
Big Sal grabs a chair, only to get Tajiri's back handspring elbow driving it into his face, and down he goes again.
Guido's back, just in time to get a buzzsaw kick from Tajiri, and then get tied to the Tree of Woe. One baseball slide from Tajiri later, followed by Mikey's flying chair shot to the head, and Guido's in real trouble. After a couple of punches, Mikey sets the chair on Guido's face, then wallops it with the other chair. Guido, hitting a power surge, grabs the free chair and makes Mikey hit his own face with his own chair. There's some blood on Mikey's forehead, but he doesn't seem to mind. Tag to Tony Mamaluke, who kicks Mikey a couple of times, nails Tajiri with a dropkick, then DDT's Mikey Whipwreck.
The table gets set up as a corner "leaner" by Tony and Guido, who then double-team Mikey with a dual belly-to-back suplex off the top turnbuckle. Cover by Guido, but Mikey kicks out. Tag to Tony Mamaluke by Guido, but Tony's attempt at a cross-ring Italian whip gets neatly converted by Mikey into a "Tilt-a-Whirl", and then gets hot-shotted across the top ropes. Tag by both teams, with Guido and Tajiri in. The match pace has clearly picked up, and the crowd is sensing the climax, on it's feet and cheering like mad. Guido gets in a couple of shots on Tajiri, but a cross-ring whip attempt by Guido allows Tajiri to nail Guido with the springboard handspring elbow. Tajiri then hits a whole series of kicks at Guido's head, each one harder-hitting and more vicious than the last.
Tajiri polishes off this series by dropkicking Guido into the table, which doesn't break! Ouch!
Tony tries for the save, but Tajiri stops him with a crotch on the top ropes, then whacks him a good one with a chair. Mikey Whipwreck takes over, and promptly DDT's Tony Mamaluke through the timekeeper's table at ringside.
Entering the ring, Big Sal tries for a chokeslam on Tajiri, only to get a face full of the "Green Mist" for his pains. Blinded, Sal lashes out, and connects with a superkick to Tajiri's noggin.
Chair shot by Guido drops Tajiri to the mat. He places the other chair across Tajiri's face, then slams it with his chair in his "Kiss of Death" finisher.
Cover by Guido, 1,2,3! We have new ECW Tag Team Champions!
The crowd goes wild.
As the FBI, bloodied, battered but still victorious holds up their new Title belts for all to see, Joey Styles announces that the FBI will defend their new-won tag Team title belts in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada the very next night, (September 9th)

Closing Credits.

See you next week.

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

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