/ECW on TNN
/22 September 2000
ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer
Well, I thought this was going to be my last recap of the "ECW on TNN" show for good and all, but it looks like they'll be tootling on for some time yet.
Who'd a thunk it?
Before we get started, I will be taking a hiatus from my recapping duties as of this Saturday, owing to the yearly family reunion shebang.
It usually lasts about a week, if past reunions are anything to go by.
This year, I've been detailed as the one to stay sober and hold the bail money.
Coming to you live on tape from the Hershey Center in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada, it's ECW on TNN.
Your hosts are the ever-dapper Joey Styles, and the Quintessential Stud-Muffin, Joel Gertner.
My lovely and long-suffering wife is typing this for me again, so I am sparing her the pain of Mr. Gertner's paean involving Canadian girls, maple syrup, and all.
Joey opens the show with an in-ring shill for the upcoming "Anarchy Rulz" PPV. Out comes the "New F'n Show", Jerry Lynn, who gets about three words out of his mouth before Prong's "Snap Your fingers, Snap Your Neck" cranks up...
... and out comes ECW World Heavyweight Champion, Justin Credible, his Singapore Cane, his poor personal hygiene, and his attitude.
Credible gets right in Lynn's face, and says that the only thing Lynn will be saying is "Thanks for giving me a shot at the Title in my hometown, and then kicking my ass!"
This brings out Steve Corino to a large pop from the crowd. Corino says he hasn't forgotten how Jerry Lynn used his (Corino's) blood as body paint, and, oh yeah, Credible, I can beat your ass any time I want to, like tonight for instance.
"Highway to Hell" cranks up, and out comes Little Spike Dudley, wearing his black "Acting ECW Commissioner's" suit coat over the top of his tie-dye shirt. He takes about five minutes or so getting in the ring, slapping hands, and waving to the cheering fans, who wave right back.
Spike makes an on-the-spot executive decision, booking a "Three Way Dance" for later tonight between the principals currently in the ring.
Oh, and there's a special referee involved, too...
Whoops, here's Rhino to squash Spike before he can reveal who the special referee is.
Sweet Mother of...
"Natural Born Killas?"
For cryin' out loud!
I thought he retired!
New Jack struts to the ring with a "Rubbermaid Roughneck" in tow that's just chock full o' plunder.
Gertner is amazed that New Jack was even allowed in Canada, since crossing the border's a <bleep>!
Styles and Gertner banter back and forth over what you can and can't say on TNN, with Gertner retorting "...what are they going to do? Cancel us?!"
New Jack tosses the trashcan over the top ropes and "gets busy."
New Jack opens with the traditional crutch thwack on Rhino's noggin. It doesn't beak, so New Jack winds up and whacks Justin Credible with it. THIS time, it breaks! Clothesline for Credible, and down he goes.
Rhino bails out, and New Jack hauls out a...
...a freaking Hoover upright vacuum cleaner!
This ought to be good!
Time for a little housework.
Credible experiences true "beater-bar action" up close and REALLY personal!
Staple gun time!
The crowd goes nuts.
But, before New Jack can get in one good shot on Credible's noggin, Rhino's back and spears him into a heap.
Rhino and Credible take turns stomping on New Jack as we go to
"Anarchy Rulz" is the topic back in ECW Command Central, as Joey and Joel discuss the possible card permutations. Joel, feeling frisky, even challenges Cyrus the Virus to a match.
Joel's been into the mushrooms again, apparently.
Onewrestlingdotcom Extreme Replay shows Kid Kash and the rest of New York's Triborough Area ganging up on Rhino to win the TV Title from the big guy.
"ECW Hardcore TV" footage has Mikey Whipwreck and Kid Kash in a wild, crazy match that unfortunately gets screw-jobbed by Rhino. Sigh.
Match #1: Rhino d. Kid Kash for the ECW World Television Title, (Spear through table/pin, we saw about 4:00 or so.)
The match is joined in progress, as Kid Kash nails Rhino at ringside with a Giant Splash off the top turnbuckle. Kash decides to "Take it to the People." He dumps Rhino over the steel guardrail, and into the laps of the front row.
Yeow, a leaping plancha over the guardrail squashes Rhino and the spectators. Kash is going wild!
He dumps Rhino back over the railing, but runs into a Rhino-wielded steel chair that clocks him a good one. Rhino tosses a table into the ring, then wallops on Kid Kash some more before rolling him back in the ring. Kash recovers, and gets in a couple of chops ("Whooooo!") A Kid Kash hurancanrana off the top rope nails Rhino, sending him out to ringside again. As Rhino staggers back, trying to re-group, Kid Kash hits him with a towering moonsault! Oops, Kash landed wrong or something, because they are both down. Kash recovers first, and drags Rhino back into the ring. There's a cover, 1,2, Rhino kicks out!
Cross-ring whip by Kash, but Rhino charges off the ropes with a vicious clothesline to Kid Kash that I felt over here! Rhino sets up the table as a "leaner" in the near corner, then sets for the squash. Kash, staring Awful Danger square in the face, golotta's Rhino square in the jimmies.
Eye gouge and a chop ("Whooo!"), then Kid Kash tries for a cross-corner whip. Rhino reverses, sets, and spears Kash, then gras a big double handful of Kid Kash butt and spears him through the table. Rhino covers Kid Kash amidst the wreckage of the table, and gets the pin and the win
Post-match, Rhino grabs a big chunk of table wreckage and cracks Kid Kash a good one. Rhino then hones his mic. skills some more
By challenging Rob Van Dam to a match, with the TV Title on the line. RVD zooms out to the ring, (with Bill Alfonso hot on his heels,) and we get about two minutes or so of RVD just kicking the snot out of Rhino. Rhino gets Van Daminator-ed. Rhino eats an RVD spinning heel kick that would make even Jackie Chan proud, then counters with a desperation piledriver attempt. RVD wriggles free, and the brawl continues until the ECW Security "Black Suits" and their local auxiliaries arrive to separate the two.
Match #2: Nova (w/ Jazz) d. Chris Hamrick (w/ Elektra), ("Kryptonite Krunch" finisher/pin, we saw about 1:30 or so.)
Another match we start somewhere in the middle of, but not before we get a repeat of the previous
Man, Paul Heyman is just squeezing the last drop o' cash out o' TNN, isn't he?
Back to the "joined in progress" action as Chris Hamrick leaps off the top turnbuckle to nail Nova with a mighty elbow drop. Cover ,1,2, Nova kicks out. Elecktra tries to interfere with an eye-rake, but Jazz blind-sides her with a powerslam. As Jazz plays up the crowd, she gets waffled by a Hamrick superkick.
Hamrick tries for his "Confederate Crunch" finisher from the top turnbuckle, but Jazz knocks him off, and Hamrick crotches himself on the top turnbuckle.
Nova takes the opportunity to nail Hamrick with his "Kryptonite Krunch" finisher, and gets the win.
Post-match, out comes Chris Chetti to waffle Nova with a steel chair. Jazz gets squashed as well.
Chetti starts bellowing that he's been held back by ECW, in spite of his background as an amateur wrestler. He even swings a chair better than anybody else in the company, and you can just see who's gonna answer this challenge, can't you?
Yep, out comes Balls Mahoney, but without his customized "Steel Commander."
Balls invites Chetti to take the first chair-swat, gratis. Chetti does, and Mahoney no-sells the hell out of it.
Chetti, recognizing Impending Doom for what it is, bails out before Mahoney can take his turn.
And somehow, just to confuse the whole situation even further, out come Da Baldies to get it on with Mr. Mahoney.
A couple of shots to the head of Mr. Mahoney, and here's Chilly Willy to save the day.
This looks like an impromptu match, with a rung bell and everything...
...but Paul Heyman needs all the money he can get, so we endure another three minutes or so of
Back to the ring, only to find out that the match occurred while the commercials were being shown, and we get to see less than a minute of actual wrestling in this match. What a rip-off!
Match #2: Full-Blooded Italians (w/ Big Sal E. Graziano) d. Danny Doring and Roadkill, ECW World Tag-team Title defense, (Big Sal interferes w/ powerslam, Guido pin on Doring, 11:05)
Huge pop for Roadkill by the fans at the Hershey Center, prompting Joey Styles to comment that Roadkill's popularity is becoming world -wide in scope.
Gertner reiterates his desire for a match with Cyrus at "Anarchy Rulz!"
The match starts with Little Guido and Danny Doring getting things going with a series of chain wrestling moves that wow the crowd. Guido tags in Tony Mamaluke, Doring tags in Roadkill, and Roadkill charges after Tony, who bails out real fast.
One stands not in the path of a steamroller, even if it IS Amish!
Tony tries a cross-ring whip, but Roadkill shoulder-blocks the heck out of him! A quick series of holds and go-behinds ensues, ending with Roadkill picking Tony up and tossing him over the top ropes onto Big Sal, who has the presence of mind not to drop Tony after catching him.
Tony climbs back into the ring...
...and gets a thumb in the eye from Roadkill. Recovering, Tony tries for a spinning body-scissors, but Roadkill blocks that attempt. Tony tries a tornado DDT, and finally gets Roadkill off his feet. Cover,1,2, no!
Samoan Drop by Roadkill gets blocked by Tony, who counters with an arm-bar.
A hurancanrana attempt by Tony goes badly, as Roadkill blocks it, then counters the Sunset flip attempt with a sit-down squash, and a pin attempt, 1,2, not this time, as Little Guido nails Roadkill right in the head with a dropkick. Victory Roll by Guido into a pin attempt, but Roadkill ain't havin' any today, thank you. He picks up Guido, there's a slam, goes up top, and elbow drops him from the top turnbuckle.
Tag to Danny Doring, but before he leaves, Roadkill nails Guido with a Dirt Road Slam. Tony tries to save his partner, and gets a Lancaster Lariat of Lust for his troubles.
Pescado attempt by Doring onto Guido at ringside goes bad when Guido gets out of the way. Big Sal distracts Roadkill, and Guido and Tony sneak up and double-team him, eventually tossing him from the ring. Big Sal's there to take Roadkill on a tour of the ringside area, punctuated often with wallops and clouts. Doring tries for a save, only to get blocked by the referee. Roadkill, much the worse for wear at the hands of Big Sal, gets tossed back into the ring, and the match continues.
Guido tries for a couple of chops ("Whoooo!"), then whips Roadkill cross-corner at Tony Mamaluke. Tony blows a somersault move, and nearly loses the Belts when Roadkill capitalizes on the mistake with a pin attempt.
Roadkill tags in Doring, and now all four men are in the ring for the Pier Six Brawl.
Big Sal climbs onto the ring apron...
(Jeez, look at that ring-post BEND, wouldja?)
...but he gets distracted by some loud-mouthed fan at ringside. This, of course, sets up Guido's unfortunately targeting Big Sal's ample backside, with Mr. Doring as the missile, and Big Sal takes a seismic shock-inducing fall to ringside. On the rebound, Guido nails Doring with the Sicilian Slice finisher, but the pin attempt comes to naught.
Cross-ring whip by Guido, but Doring avoids the clothesline, as well as Guido's follow-up "Kiss of Death"- finisher, by nailing Guido with a mule kick right in the in-seam. Yeowtch!
"G-Spot Sweep" by Doring on Guido, and then he tags Roadkill back in.
Man look at the big guy go!
Powerbomb for Tony. Powerslam for Guido. Roadkill with a springboard double-clothesline off the top rope, and down go the two FBIs.
Doring chops at Tony, then whips him into Guido, who's slumped in the far corner. Roadkill takes the ride, and he collides with both FBIs in the same corner.
Tony staggers out of the corner, and right into a Doring "Bareback Slam." Doring and Roadkill do their "Buggy bang" finisher on Guido. Roadkill covers, 1,2, Big Sal pulls the referee out of the ring!
Doring leaps from the top turnbuckle, hitting Big Sal good one with a cross-body block.
Tony waffles Roadkill with a Title belt, and Guido covers, only to have Roadkill kick out at the last possible moment. Roadkill, hitting a power surge, wallops Tony with his "Barn Burner", then goes up top. However, he gets shoved off the top turnbuckle by Guido, and crashes down through the timekeeper's table at ringside.
Doring counters with the "Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma'am," and goes for the pin. The referee is busy extricating Roadkill from the wreckage of the table at ringside, and doesn't see the pin attempt, even when he turns his attention to the still-dazed Tony Mamaluke.
This distraction allows Big Sal to nail Doring with a chokeslam and a running powerslam that probably set off alarm bells all over the place. Big Sal drags the by-now-sort-of-squooshy Guido across Doring, just as the referee arrives to make the three count, and the FBI's retain their Tag titles.
To Command Central, where Gertner is pumpin' iron for his match with Cyrus. That is, until Joey Styles shows us that the steel I-beam is really a wooden prop I-beam. Joel snatches it back, doing a passable impression of "Big Poppa Pump: In the Autumn of His Life!"
Holy smoke, looks like they are actually gonna try to get in Acting Commissioner Spike Dudley's "Three Way Dance" that was booked at the top of the hour.
But we've only got two minutes left on the clock.
Could it be that we may get the first run-over in the history of "ECW on TNN?"
No, we just get Joey Styles introducing the principals, then saying that the match will be run in it's entirety on the next installment of "ECW on TNN," and that would be next Friday night at 8 PM.
So the last show may not be for some time yet.
See you next week.
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