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ECW Television Report (taped on Friday July 9th)
- Okay a call to arms of sorts. I check out Zimerman's new website and see that he's asking for writers and recappers and the like to volunteer their services. So this is my little thesis on the matter.
- Now why am I doing such a thing, well who knows really. I think everyone out there who likes wrestling and can put a sentence together envisions writing a column that takes them right to a permanent career writing storylines for the WWF. But I have no such delusions, or at least I know that such delusions are delusions.... But I have the time. Currently I have the excess energy, cause I've recently given up my other internet hobby, my efed (now this will either have CRZ dump this report right in the hopper or it will make him more interested.... Such is life on 56K baud).... Also, and most importatnly, I have been granted the use of a laptop by my work which makes recapping ECW, which is my love in the world of wrestling, easier....
- As for qualifications. I am currently employed and making a living as a writer (admittedly, I'm a technical writer, but it does mean that I can put a sentence together), I have been watching wrestling for 12 years (so when I hear that Razor Ramon defeated Shawn Michaels to win the WWF IC belt, I know better), and I have been watching ECW since 1994 and have gone to about a dozen ECW events over the years mostly at the ECW arena.... So I think I am qualified, as to whether I am entertaining, we shall see....
REVIEW STARTS HERE
So onto this week's review/recap/and reslagging off on ECW's television program... This week we are live in the ECW Arena (okay, so it was taped two weeks ago, what do you want from me....) for Hostile City Showdown 1999....
Start off the show with two commercials for a local video show called Tunez... (Saturday at 10:00 PM if anyone is interested) The first promo is from Sable of the WWF (D'oh!! This was done right around WM XV and Sable's hair looks like a rat's nest). And the second is from the Queen of Extreme, Francine...
IT'S JOEY!!!!!!
Joey Styles welcomes us to Hostile City Showdown.... Where we will see (this week) the match between Balls Mahoney, the man who drives all of his partners out of ECW... must have some Heyman stroke... and the man with a thousand nicknames, Mr. Pay-Per-View, the Whole F'N Show, current holder of the ECW World Television Champion, and the man who can't lose his push in order to give Taz legitimate competion for the World Title, Rob Van Dam....
But now it's the Extreme Swimsuit Showdown, where catcalls count any where in the building, and bikini stap can be lost if the loser is disqualified....
Extreme Swimsuit Showdown - Dawn Marie Bytch vs Francine
There comes Dawn Marie in a floral pattern robe.... Cream colored like.... Dawn screams that she's a lady and deserves to be treated like one.... So the big security guard guy lift up the bottom rope and Dawn slides through... She does need to learn how to tease the ECW drunken horny masses better, no G-String shot for the folks in our studio audience, but lets hope that you players at home weren't standing there in drooling anticipation.
You know I love Joey, but he really needs to back off of Dawn Marie's name... Joe.. you can say Bitch on television, you don't even have a rating on your show... The damn thing gets shown at 2:00 in the AM in Alabama, relax dude....people are getting nailed with barb-wire covered chairs, and Styles is worried about calling someone a bitch....
Steven Prazac (sp?) somehow is employed by ECW, and gets to be the announcer/moderator for the Bikini bash... So not only does Prazac get the best view of the babes in bikinis, he gets paid for being there, and gets his mug splashed all over thousands (<sniffing in the air> and thousands) of homes throughout the United States.... When you're down on your knees and giving your daily prayers, take the time and ask whichever deity or fate you worship and ask him/her to "send something nasty to Mr. Prazac."
ECW Opening Promo... any new pictures?
Ahhh new one (or at least very recent) of Balls being powerbombed through a flaming table.
And gee there's one of Sabu putting Sid through a table... (getting out my Church Lady voice) Well, isn't that conveeeeenient
By the way... this is extreme.... Damn I miss the White Zombie opening theme
back to action
- It's Francine, who now comes out to Tommy Dreamer's music, Man in the Box by Alice in Chains (only $11.99 at the Wall!!!)... Ms. Fournier and Ms. Bytch (oh who am I kidding, it's Heyman who has the eye for women's fashion...) apparently buy robes atthe same place... She also emerges in a floral patern robe...
- Francine is not above flashing both the camera with a nice clevage shot... as well as bending down nice and low for Mr. Prazac as he lifted the ropes for Frankie... and who says that chivalry is dead...
- A "Show your t**s" chant erupts... and not for the first time, I question the maturity and intelligence of the ECW Crowd. Although, the crowd definitely gives Francine a very nice pop... and they wish they could do more...
- Dawn and Francine argue as to who should go first. Let's say this right now.... Dawn Marie got breast implants and they did not improve her mike skills....
- Long story short.... Cause words don't really do this justice... After much jaw-jacking, Francine goes first... A very nice, French cut, maroon/brick colored bikini with a thong... Man... Francine may have the best overall body in wrestling... (Joey mentiones that he's holding back any puppies comments...but delivers "What this has to do with wrestling, I have no idea, but I can see the ratings soaring as I speak"- Joey is the MAN!!!)...Dawn acts indignant.... She teases..... Up on the balcony thingy, Justin Credible nails Tommy Dreamer with a cane... Dawn removes her robe to reveal that she isn't wearing a bikini...
- Normally, this would infuriate the ECW crowd, but just because Paul Heyman cares about you, we get a CAT FIGHT!!!! CAT FIGHT!!!! CAT FIGHT!!!! A few, very nice spread leg shots of Francine's derriere... and just b4 Francine can give Dawn Marie a Bronco Buster, and before those who like lesbian wrestling films get too excited (I'm putting in Lesbo Lariat Volumes 1-40 right now)... Lance Storm breaks it up with a spear.....
- So it's Justin and Lance in the ring... about to cane Francine... and the lights go down.... Good move since, when this was shown, Shane Douglas hadn't yet signed with WCW... But instead, it's Sabu and Fonzie.... Sabu takes on all three men. Gets taken down until... here comes the breakout star of 1999, Jerry Lynn with a chair.....
- New F'N Show chant
- Sabu up to the top turnbuckle.... Nearly falls off... Plancha on the outside taking out, presumably (sit down... assface!) Lance and Justin
- Joey's first "Oh My God" chant... and somewhere an angel gets it's wings....
We break for commercials
Writer Note: Did it just take me two pages to document a bikini match... Either I'm too wordy or there's more action in an ECW bikini match than a WCW World Title match...
- Commercial for ECW Heat Wave 99 (Heyman gives everyone nicknames while Walk by Kilgore (I think) is heard)....
- ECW commercial boards: Team Extreme shirt, FTW shirt, order ECW catalog, ECW Hardcore Hotline.
- ECW still mooching off of Foley by offering the Big Ass Extreme Bash where Cactus took on Mikey Whipreck.
- ECW is back in the Philadelphia area, the weekend of July 30th...
ECW World Television Title Match: Balls Mahoney vs Mr. PPV Rob Van Dam w/ Bill Alfonso....
Balls is in the ring, and by the way, we've got the biggest balls of them all!
Recap of how we got to this match... Balls after Dudleys....Dudleys later face Van Dam... Referee goes down... Balls puts on ref shirt... Balls lays out RVD with a steel chair....
Pretty simple when you come down to it... Now, you don't think that those nasty Dudley boys would dare interfere in this match do you?
- Now it's Walk by Kilgore, it's like Déjà vu all over again.... As RVD (black tights w/ a modified airbrushed yin/yang simbol) and the whistle blowing Fonzie emerge.....
- "Whole F**kin Show" chant is heard... Man is RVD over with the crowd.... The crowd even chants with announcer Bob Artese when he says "World Television Champion"... Then again, they do a Balls chant when Balls is announced... Trained seals couldn't do a better job.
WHAT... Another Balls Mahoney/Dudley Boys recap? Do it all at once, ya wankers! Chicago: Balls & Spike vs Dudleys.... Balls puts thumbtacks on table, sets it on fire. But, lo and behold, it is the Dudley Boys who put Balls through the flaming table...
- Back to action... Headlock by RVD.... Balls pushed him off the ropes...Van Dam leaping roll over Mahoney's back... Round house kick connect... second misses... Balls trips up Robbie and goes for a single-leg boston crab... Van Dam reaches the ropes as Fonzie whistles... and Joey shills the fact that we have to take a break even though the footage is 2 weeks old....
Same ECW Commercials as before...
- Order Bash at the Beach... oh whoops....
- Rob Van Dam is able to order more Cocoa Krispies this week as he cuts a promo for Tunez....
And we're back
- Balls hammering on Van Dam in the corner.... (Here's your ECW Fan Lesson for the week: when Balls Mahoney is in the ring, it is only proper to chant "Balls" every time he connects with a punch, kick or maneuver... And for you students looking to do a little extra this week, you get a bonus gold star if you chant "Nuts" everytime he screws up.) Balls sends Van Dam into the corner... Follows him in and misses... RVD immediately up to the top turnbuckle, high cross body in the middle of the ring... 2 count... somersault leg drop (WOW)... cover again... kick out... Van Dam series of punches... Mahone off the ropes... drop kick sends Balls to the floor...
- ECW Extreme Replay of what happened during the commercial..... suspension of disbelief (try harder than this, people)... Great quote by RVD: "I got 350 pounds of fat sitting on my back, don't try this at home!"
- Apparently RVD mentally teleported Balls on the otherside of the guardrail, and himself to the floor... Missle dropkick Van Daminator off the steet guardrail after the assist by Fonzie (that'll get Fonzie another point in going for the Connie Smythe trophy)... Van Dam back in the ring... Here comes Mahoney on the floor... Baseball slide by Van Dam, followed up by a sweet sommersault plancha on the outside.... HUGE CROWD POP!!!! RVD throws Balls back in the ring... Slingshot legdrop by Van Dam.... Mahoney is bleeding... (stole that from Raw didn't you!!!) Van Dam off the ropes... power slam by Balls... Balls going to the top rope... <Insert Home State Here> Jam from the top rope...
A very quick, under the breath, "Oh My God" from Styles gives us the second one of the night... Deserved this time, this move was nice....
- Cover - 2 count only (RVD lose by non-screw job? Not this year)... Balls with a wicked belly-to-belly suplex (somewhere in Pittsburgh, Shane Douglas is saying "Man, that was quick. The corpse isn't even cold") Balls back up to the top rope. Different one though.... Allow the different crowd to look up his jeans shorts... Frog Splash... Cover... 2 count... Mahoney with a chinlock... RVD back on his feet, and free... Off the ropes... Goes for a cross body... Balls catches RVD in mid air and slams him to the ground... Balls goes for a second rope leg drop... (never do the same high flying move twice in 1 night... sheesh... eating moron sandwiches again?) Alfonso brings the chair back into play... Rob does that back-flip dropkick chair thingy... 2 count.... Tumbling senton splash by RVD... cover...2 count again..... Van Dam sends Balls corner to corner... drops the chair... Balls does a (sitout according to Styles) powerbomb on the chair... cover... 2 count... Superkick by Balls.... Grabs the chair... swings for the fences, misses Van Dam... RVD spin kick and nails the ref, to several boos by the ECW fans... Balls with a (sitting according to Joey) spinebuster... RVD back up... goes to top rope... misses the missle dropkick, and Van Dam takes a wicked chairshot...
Joey delivers a full blown, take your time, Oh--- My---God... that's three
- Van Dam is down...and here come the Dudleys... and you can smell the screw job.... Simply.... Ref is down... Van Dam is down.... Balls double clothesline after off the ropes... chair shot on Buh Buh... chairshot on D-Von.. And once again, we see that Balls may be a good student in the "human game of chess" (as the Living Legend would say), but apparently he failed basic math.... Gets a table, barb wire, flaming table... and gee, you'll never guess....
Go on guess....
Come on.... You can do it... I know CRZ can do it and he's the only one gonna read this long-thing...
- Yup... Dudleys gain the upper hand and drop Balls through the barbwire flaming table... He's getting worse than Dreamer. At least Dreamer never set up the tables to get chokeslammed through...
- Van Dam back to his feet.... Spin-kick Van Daminator on D-Von..... And a wicked spin-kick Van Daminator on Buh Buh Ray... Joey hold off on that 4th OMG... Make em earn it Joey....
- Back to the match... Van Dam up to the top rope... 5 star frog splash...Miraculously, referee Jim Molineaux recovers just now as RVD covers Balls for the 1-2-3
- Winner of the match: Rob Van Dam... Very nice 20 minute match.... Even with the screw job....
Commercials:
- WWF Attitude bears... Tunez promo again (this time actual videos you'll see on the show)...
We're back
Joey does a recap of the Dreamer, Francine, Dawn Marie, Lance Storm, Justin Credible, Jason, Sabu, and Jerry Lynn bit...
Lance Storm & Justin Credible vs Jerry Lynn and a mystery partner... - in an unsanctioned, Extreme Death Match.
And there's Mr. Credible with Jason.... let's see... These two have gotten rid of Chastity, Nicole Bass, and now Jazz, but they stay together... Justin in his jeans shorts and Jason with his slicked back hair and chippendales vest on... hmmmmm
The ECW Short Attention Span editing department, for no apparent reason, other than they want to end the show with a match, gives us a Taz interview...
- Taz finally was able to find that torn up black towel that he likes to put on his head, must've been under the couch cushions, that's where my stuff usually is... "I beat Shane... I beat Sabu... and Taz is a hunter and stuff... ya ya ya.... Steve Corino is a loser.....Beat me if you can... Survive if I let you..."
- Let me wrap-up... ECW is continuing the Steve Corino angle cause they have no world title contenders.
- Joey recaps the Taz vs Corino situation for us... and then mentions Tommy Dreamer's injuries...
Back to match...
- Lance Storm and Dawn Marie emerge....
Just in time for us to go to commercials... (I wasted an asterisk just for that)
- The best Tunez commercial of the night. Super Crazy, speaking only in spanish hawks Tunez!!!! I LOVE IT!!!! I may just watch Tunez... maybe not...
- Telephone Chat lines, some business school, foot powder... come on it's late! Get back to ECW!
We're back
- RVD has used his teleporting powers to transport Jerry Lynn to the ring where he is being chastised by Justin Credible, cause he has no tag team partner with him. (P.J., have you ever heard of a dramatic pause?)
- Justin spells it out for the people playing the home game, that this is an unsanctioned, extreme, tag team death match (pay attention to those adjectives, one of them may become important in a minute..... Jerry Lynn introduces his partner.... Sabu...For those of you just joining, Lance and Justin got Sabu suspended from competing in ECW, but since this is unsanctioned, Sabu can wrestle
- Man, the demographics for ECW must be bad for intelligence Cause the former Mr J.L. spells out the "unsanctioned" nature of the match. Joey spells it out for us. And then Justin spells out the situation that Sabu is banned.... Mein Gott....
- Anyway, the match is on... but only after these commercials
- Oh skip em... Jerry and Justin are in the ring... Knife edge chops by both men... JC whipped into the corner... more knife edges by JL.... Whip again back to the corner... Flair Flip by Justin. Clothesline takes Jerry down... Justin goes for a top-rope axe-handle... Jerry takes him over... Tags Sabu and Justin runs away... and now it's Lance Storm in the ring with Sabu..... Slingshot sidekick by Sabu... Arabian Press by Sabu... chair throw by Sabu... Leaping knee off the chair... Sabu tags in Jerry Lynn.... Chops by JL, finally met by a superick... Lance goes to clothesline Jerry, misses and nails his partner. He then back bodydrops Jerry right onto Justn Credbile...
- Now it goes into that chaotic 2 man tag team stuff that ECW is famous for... I will give you the highlights... Sabu with a triple-jump plancha on Lance on the outside... Jerry throws Justin off the platform and through a table knees first... Sabu with a triple-jump splash on Jason, through a table...Back in the ring Jerry Lynn, double DDT on Justin and Lance.... Go behind, inverted DDT on JL... Sabu with the save w/ legdrop off the top.... Sabu goes through table with Fonzie underneath.... Jerry Lynn brainbuster on Lance Storm.... Sabu and JC on the outside.... Lance steals Jerry Lynn's "cradle-piledriver" and nails Jerry.... That's it.... 1-2-3!...
- Winners of the match: The Impact Players: Justin Credible and Lance Storm....
And that's it for me..... maybe I'll see you again... who knows...
Robert Schwabe
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