The Extreme Close-Up (or some other clever title)

Good ol R.J.

Review of ECW television: Friday July 16, 1999

Well, here we go. Making another attempt at reviewing the ECW television show. Maybe I'll straighten out those formatting issues this time... Anyway onto the last ECW television show before Heat Wave 99 only on PPV, but since there ain't no way in hell that this will get posted before Sunday, there probably won't be too much mystery involved here....

But anyway, onto the show

RECAP BEGINS.......NOW

It's JOEY!!!!!

We are live from the Madhouse of Extreme in Queens, New York....

Very subtly in the background you hear the chant of the Chairman of the Board singing New York, New York... F'N New Yorkers think their so tough... and they have a kick line song for the city's theme... Phily is so much cooler, we have straight guys dress up in feathers, sequins, and have our own little strut down Broad Street playing accordions, ukuleles and dancing to songs that were old when my grandmother was a little girl.

Ooops.... sorry about that...

Anyway cut away to the ECW Chairman of the board, who is making the official announcement to the New York crowd and the syndicated audience at home that ECW and TNN have officially come to a deal beginning... Friday August 13^th at 8:00!!!!

Paul, it's only cause I care, but there are several decaffeinated brands out there that taste just as good as regular coffee. Could someone get Mr. Heyman a lozenge. Sucrete's, Halls, even those Ludens things that are really just candy with the word "cough drop" on the package.

Oh yeah, crowd goes nuts... chants E-C-W!!!! and give paul an ovation... and more shots of the advertising banners...

Joey is now back in front of the ECW banner... And Joey confirms Paul's confirmation. You know... I think that Mr. Styles is the only person in the United States Pro-Wrestling industry who wears a suit all the time... And Joe always looks good too...

Joey announces that apparently, Skull Von Crush, in celebration of the announcement, and because his "gimmick" was going nowhere, has gone back to his "real name" of Staten Island's own Vito "The Skull" Lagrasso (sp?)

Writer's note: For those of you who don't watch ECW religiously... Skull Von Crush is a bald wrestler who debuted about 6 months ago in ECW. Now he's not the second coming by any means, but if he gets a good angle and gets the fans to give a <bleep> one way or the other, he could be pretty good...

So anyway cutaway again and we have our first official match (already in progress)... never a good sign in ECW for a clean finish...

The Artist formerly known as Skull Von Crush vs The Unknown Jobber

- Sorry folks, I don't recognize Mr. Crush's opponent...

- Jobber sends Vito off the ropes, but ducks his head and Vito stops short and gives him an uppercut which sends the jobber reeling... And it's finisher time... Vito with a SKULLCRUSHER. (Basically a standing swinging DDT, where the opponent lands flat rather than on his head. Nice finisher actually)

- I guess I was wrong about the clean finish. But I was right about a run-in... It's The Dudley Boys. For no other reason other than it looks good on television, the Dudley's come in and give Vito the 3D... DUDLEY DEATH DROP.

Cut back to Joey, who has to play, Mr. Morality, saying that the Dudleys ruin everything even though they are great tag team champs...

Cut back to the ring....

- Now, let's play everyone's favorite heel game, insult the locals!!!! Buh Buh Ray Dudley grabs a microphone... Calls someone a "Hells Angel Wannabe"... Insults someone's Puerto Rican heritage... Buh Buh says "I'm Sorry" and apologizes for being too racial... and then then says something bleeped out (the jist had to do with D-Von doing something to this guy's girlfriend... Hey someone get some Miracle –Grow, cause the plant in the front row doesn't look too good...

- The Plant (and how do I know it's a plant? The same way you know a guy isn't "shooting" on Nitro. There's no way that ECW would volunteer videotape that someone could use in a lawsuit.) throws something at Buh Buh... Buh Buh jumps down, goes after the fan, and then security arrives to push him back as D-Von jumps down and clocks the guy.

- And in a great spot, especially cause the cameras didn't focus on him. Spike Dudley jumps from he top balcony and lands ontop of Buh Buh, D-Von, and the security guys.

- Spike is now in the ring... Dudleys follow in the ring... Spike goes after D-Von... They nail him with the Dudley Death Drop... And to no one's surprise, here's Balls Mahoney... Chair shot for D-Von... Chair shot for Buh Buh... hype for the Dudley Boys vs BallsMahoney and mystery partner this Sunday.

And now, 15 minutes into the show, here's the opening???

ECW Opening: no new clips.... By the way... this is extreme...

Back to Joey Styles

Yeah yeah yeah... Heat Wave is this Sunday... two matches tonight... Three Way Dance: Tajiri vs Super Crazy vs Little Guido and the next match, Jerry Lynn vs Lance Storm

"The new F'N Show"- Jerry Lynn vs Lance Storm w/ Dawn Marie Btytch

- okay... let's spell out the ingredients...This Sunday, Rob Van Dam & Jerry Lynn vs Justin Credible & Lance Storm...plus, Sabu hates Justin.... hmmmm, you don't suppose there's gonna be a run in, do ya?

- And there's Dawn Marie... leading Lance Storm to the ring... oooooh, she is kindof yummy... especially when she bends down to climb underneath the ropes, as Joey reminds us what happened last week... and then

Video Recap with Heyman voice over: Swimsuit Showdown... Francine! YOWZA!!!! To steal one from Dan Patrick... She's Tall! Justin caned Dreamer. Dawn attacked Francine... (CAT FIGHT!!) Lights go down.... Sabu... later... Jerry announces Sabu as his tag team partner... Sabu accidentally puts Bill Alphonzo through a table... Jerry Lynn get's spiked with his own Cradle Piledriver... leads us to tonight's match... (read my last recap for better info)

- Back to tonight... And there's Jerry... Joey doesn't think that Lance can defeat Jerry....Oh god, why don't you just give away the ending Joey!

Commercials... Heat Wave 99; House Party 99 (gotta buy that one... just to see, well, just to see); ECW Shirts- Team Extreme, FTW; ECW Hotline (Joey talks around Scott Hall's ECW appearance in Florida)

- too many spots in this one to call... I'll give you the highlights...

* Lance Storm sends Jerry off the ropes, Jerry ducks the clothesline. Off the ropes again, tilt-a-whirl flying-head-scissors by Jerry. Jerry ducks another clothesline and goes right into an abdominal stretch. Lance Storm escapes, attempts to hiptoss Jerry over the top rope. Jerry lands on the ring apron and delivers a stunner on Lance, using the top rope...

* Lance Storm sends Jerry against the ropes, presses J.L over his head. Jerry takes him down... cover... they do that... six near falls in a minute with reversals that are way too easy (sorry, I used to do amateur wrestling, it is not that easy)...both men to their feet, and they don't wait to catch their breath (now, that impresses me)... Missed clothesline by Lance. Missed clothesline by Jerry. Superkick by Lance catches Jerry square in the jaw.

* In the technical move of the night (maybe the week)... Lance Storm sends Jerry Lynn against the ropes. Lance drops down through Jerry's legs. Takes Jerry down with a single leg take down, rolls through into a single-leg Boston Crab... WOW... Lance stands up with the crab... Jerry gets to his feet, and nails Lance with the enzugiri (sp?) (that one was for you Owen)

* In the... that's a neat twist move of the night... Lance comes off the ropes... Lance goes up in the air for a leapfrog. Jerry doesn't let him leap over him, spins around and spins, does a reverse kick which Storm lands on groin first. Jerry off the ropes and delivers a spinning back elbow. Lance in the corner. Series of kicks by Jerry. Lance sends Jerry into the far corner... Jerry to the top rope... Lance follows in... boot to the face. And Jerry follows it all up with a tornado DDT.

(I'm leaving a lot out, but it's just too much...)

* Jerry with a kick to the head of Lance. Jerry off the ropes... Powerslam by Jerry Lynn...Lance with a waistlock... goes for a German Suplex... blocked by Jerry Lynn... Elbow by Jerry... and a second... and a third, and Lance lets go... Jerry goes towards the ropes... Dawn Marie grabs the ropes... right into Lance Storm who goes into a powerbomb stance... At the top of the powerbomb, Jerry jumps through lands on his feet... and Lance Storm goes for a flying forearm which nails Referee Jim Molineaux...

(how soon will Jerry get Lance in a pinning predicament? Next move... two moves? )

* Jerry nails Lance with a boot to the midsection. Goes for the cradle piledriver, when here comes Justin Credible, who nails Jerry in the back with the singapore cane. The entire entourage is now in the ring: Justin, Lance, Jason, Dawn Marie, and the Unknown female... we'll get to her in a minute (nice foreshadowing, Mr. Styles)... Two cane shots across the back of JL as Lance holds him. Jerry nails Lance with a forearm, and Justin nails Jerry right across the head with the cane.

* Now, as the others come in to beat up Jerry, the unknown woman (formerly known in other feds, as Jazz) says that's enough and tries to rescue Jerry Lynn... Jason grabs her.. She shoves him off... and Jason shoves her to the ground... nails her with a boot... short-arm clothesline... Justin Credible looks on, not stopping this, but not liking it either...

* Here comes Sabu!!!! Takes on all three men... As Fonzie sets up the table outside. Jason gets on the table. Justin on the top turnbuckle with the cane... Justin gets crotched on the top rope... Sabu sets up the triple-jump splash through the table... Sabu jumps from the chair to the top rope and gets caned by J.C. cane shots on Sabu...

* Chant of RVD...... And here comes Rob Van Dam... Van Dam throws the chair at Lance for the Van Daminator. Lance goes down, as Jerry's behind him holding the chair in front of Lance's head... Van Daminator on Jerry Lynn... RVD looks like "oops"... And then in back-luck move #2... RVD looks to splash Jason, Justin who are holding Sabu on the outside.. of course Jason & Justin move out of the way, and RVD splashes Sabu.

* Now, once again, as RVD mugs for the camera... the mock Sabu/RVD fight is on... Fonzie takes both to the locker room... and in the ring... Lance Storm nails Jerry Lynn with the cradle-piledriver... (once again, for those people playing at home, that's Jerry's finisher).. And look, it's a miraculous recovery by Referee Jim Molineaux, who counts the 1-2-3.

Man, I'm exhausted... Don't want to get on Hyatte, Scrap Dog, any of the other Monday Night reviewers (there's someone I'm missing though :-) ) but there is a lot more action in one ECW match than like 2 WWF matches... I mean this match had three sets of run ins... encompassing three angles... and there was like 15 minutes of real wrestling... I love the big two, but when it comes to delivering the goods, week after week, neither one beats ECW... I'm sorry...

Commercials: ECW returns to Philadelphia on Saturday July 31^st ... Damn them... I’m gonna be at Lilith Fair that day... not fair I tell ya...

And it’s Tunez: a mosaic of commercials with Francine, Danny Doring, Steve Corrino, Skull Von Crush, the FBI, Dreamer, Super Crazy, Jerry Lynn, Jason-Justin-& unknown girl, Joey Styles, and RVD...

Back to ECW:

Little Guido w/ Big Sal E. Graziano vs Super Crazy vs Yoshihiri Tajiri

* Little Guido rides the back of Big Sal as the two of them enter the Madhouse of Extreme... The fans chant "You Fat F***" to big Sal who supposedly weighs over 500 pounds... He’s a big boy no doubt about that...

HUH? A flashback to a match that happened at Hostile City Showdown in Philadelphia, PA. Where Chris Chetti & Nova faced Roadkill and Danny Doring... What does this have to do with anything, other than they have to hype this Sunday’s match between these two teams...Here’s the jist... Danny Doring introduces a new woman to ECW, a somewhat attractive woman who is his "girl" (Hey, it’s real simple, Francine Fournier ex-stripper, Buella McGillicutty ex pornstar, Dawn Marie ex-stripper, Chastity ex pornstar, Nicole Bass (uh nevermind)... so where do you think they found this one...)

Match is on... Some great moves by Chetti who nails Roadkill with the double-springboard moonsault... sweet move, and instead of covering him for the pin. He speaks (for like the first time on camera in the 2 ½ years he’s been in ECW) and gives the people the arrogant schtick where he "feels as good as he looks". And then he gets them to play "his music", where he dance’s to La Villa Loca by Ricky Martin, and Doring’s "woman" crawls into the ring and dances with him, where Chetti also grabs his balls every five seconds... IT GETS AN ECW CHANT???? (What is wrong with the Philly fans)... The woman slaps nova, and gets the the Kryptonite Krunch.... Double clothesline by Doring and a big splash from Roadkill off the top rope on Nova... Nova is counted for the 1-2-3...

Back to action...

* Apparently, Tajiri and Super Crazy have used their Superfriends teleportation device and have suddenly materialized in the ring...This should be an excellent encounter, and one that I will have to give you the highlights... (I mean, I’m good, but not quite that good).

* The big thing is that Tajiri has becomes a lot more vicious... drop kick by Super Crazy sends Little Guido to the outside. Super Crazy sends Tajiri against the ropes... SC drops the head and Tajiri nails him with the tilt-a-whirl head scissors (must be the new move in ECW)... Tajiri runs against the ropes and is tripped up by Guido on the outside... Super Crazy from the ring apron then nails Tajiri with a springboard dropkick... Guido then nails Super Crazy with a top rope, high cross body, who is then nailed by a dropkick to the knee by Tajiri...

Writers Note: First off, although I like the international superstars, I have a warmer place in my heart for ECW veterans who have put their time in ECW (or if you want to look at it cynically, who aren’t good enough to get to the next level).. Little Guido is not a great superstar, but for most of the four years that he has been in ECW, they have given him the wrong opponents... (He’s kindof a much smaller Brian Christopher). And Guido, who is eclipsed in this match by Tajiri and Super Crazy, certainly holds his own. Guido is to be commended for that...

* Guido sends Tajiri into the corner. Tajiri leaps over the top turnbuckle and nails Super Crazy on the outside with a somersault plancha. The two of them fight on the outside and Guido tries to nail both men with a pescado, but both men back away and Guido hits nothing but floor... Crazy then sends both men over the guardrail, moves the guardrail forward, and nails both with the Asai (sp?) moonsault from the top rope....And as SC is celebrating in the ring, Big Sal comes in and nails Crazy with a standing leg drop...

* Guido grabs Tajiri and throws him back in the ring... Tajiri misses the hudencan.. hunnencanran.... Frankensteiner (sorry, I’m writing this offline, I have no idea how to spell it)... and Guido drops him with a powerbomb... Super Crazy catches Guido with a sunset flip from the top rope. Guido off the ropes, hits Crazy with an almost flying neckbreaker... Cover 1-2... no

* Tajiri puts Guido in the Tree of Woe (™ Kevin Sullivan) and motions to Super Crazy... Super Crazy kicks Sal who was on the ring apron... and then nails him with the moonsault from the top turnbuckle, but Sal catches SC in mid-air, walks him over to the time keeper’s table and powerslams Crazy through the table.

And that gets an ECW chant? I could do that, with pre-cut tables... Well, I don’t have the strength to carry a 225 pound man, but you get my point.... Dumb New Yorkers... Philly fans wouldn’t cheer for something that stupid, w/ no style...

* Guido motions to Sal to roll Super Crazy back in the ring. Guido puts the Boston Crab (known as the Sicilian Crab... I can’t tell the difference... And as Guido is celebrating...Tajiri tries the roundhouse kick... Guido ducks... go behind by Tajiri... German suplex... Guido kicks out... series of chops by Guido... Guido sends Tajiri into the ropes... Tajiri, standing handstand bounces off the ropes and nails Guido with a back elbow... nice move!!

COMMERCIALS!!!!! WHAT THE @%$#

We’re back...

* Guido’s back in the tree of woe.. Baseball slide by Tajiri right in the face of little Guido.

* Series of kicks to the legs and head of Guido... Picks up Guido.. Brainbuster... As the Slickster would say "Light’s are out... the party’s over." Where is Slick these days?

And of course, we have some time to kill so Big Sal comes in the ring with a steel chair... And since you can’t have a pre-PPV show w/o the world Champion, Taz’s music hits the airwaves... NYC crowd goes nuts... and IMHO rightfully so...

Taz is wearing his new FTW (13) hat.... and a FTW (13) tank top.... I don’t know what the 13 is for... so if someone wants to explain it to me, I’d appreciate it. (then again, it took me several weeks to figure out what FTW means....)

Taz is impressed by Tajiri and says that anytime he wants a shot at his title, he’s got it.... (remember the line-up for Heat Wave wasn’t quite set when this was shot)..

And here comes Steve Corino.... along with Jack Victory being pushed by Rhino (a guy that Corino introduced a few weeks ago, and Taz made real short work of, even for Taz)... Steve Corino’s claim is that Taz is afraid of him...

In the best exchange of the night... Taz says something about Steve Corino choking Jack Victory’s <Bleep> (I don’t know exactly what he said but we all get the gist). Corino mockingly compliments Taz on the ability to curse and then suggests that Taz curse more to get over with all of his fans in Queens. So Taz, of course, says "Fine I will, <BLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP>

I don’t claim to know exactly what Taz said, but you have to give credit to him if the curse was actually sustainable rather than just saying f**ing f*er f jerkoff mfer f....

The Queens fans loved it, and the bleep machine is broken...

Taz suggests that Corino and Victory (I think Victory who can walk, but has is leg in a full cast thingy)... come and face he and Tajiri, and Tajiri nails Taz with several kicks to the head and a double dropkick to the head, while Corino comes in the ring laughing... Victory hands Tajiri a bunch of money... And Victory has a Japanese flag in his hand..... And Corino hands Tajiri a mask, which must have some significance in the fed where Tajiri is from.... (once again, any help would be appreciated)

Corino says, "Hey Taz, who’s the stupid SOB now?" Corino then announces that Tajiri will be the next ECW World Champion.

Back Stage Interviews and in the spirit of nostalgia... we hear Misirlous by Dick Dale and the Deftones... (the theme from Pulp Fiction for you neophytes....) haven’t heard that in ECW in months...

* Little Guido talking about his match against Super Crazy...

* Nova says he’s earned his shot on a PPV, as Chetti styles and profiles in the background.

* Cyrus interviews Jason, and they talk about the unknown woman... says that she’s at the bottom of his sexual food chain, and that she was so insignificant that she wasn’t even worth naming... Then she comes in and kicks the living <bleep> outta Jason.

* back to Chetti and Nova where Chetti says, "Look at this Face" as Nova walks off in disgust.

* Confrontation with Jerry Lynn, Rob Van Dam, Sabu, and Alfonzo... RVD says it was an accident. Sabu’s looking to take out RVD... Jerry says that RVD owes him one, and that they should tag at the PPV. Eventually RVD agrees.

* Lance Storm and Justin Credible. Both of them get to says their taglines...

* Taz interview... Steve Corino has his attention with Tajiri... Taz is gonna show Tajiri the Taz that Tajiri hasn’t seen... The old Taz.... (what the Tazmaniac?)... Good shoot interview... taking lessons from Shane... I’ve gone on too long, so I won’t transcribe it... but it’s a good Taz interview... ends with Taz’s tag line, which he tailors to Tajiri....

WRITER’S NOTE:

Okay, if anyone is reading this, it’s probably later in the week after the ECW PPV. So you can only take my word that this is being written at 1:00 PM on Sunday prior to the PPV... But, here are my predictions...

* Jason vs the Unknown Woman - This is a toss-up... I’m guessing the woman will win, and maybe more importantly, get a name...

* Super Crazy vs Little Guido – This is close... a win for Guido might legitimize him... But Super Crazy is on the roll.. so I’m gonna have to give it to Super Crazy.

* ECW World Tag Team Title Match: Spike Dudley & Balls Mahoney vs The Dudley Boys... Another tough one... The tide is going the way of Spike & Balls, but Balls has faced the Dudleys so many times on so many PPVs and he only won it once, with Masato Tanaka, who was on fire when they won it. Instincts say Balls & Spike... Gut tells me Dudley boys, mostly because I can’t see Balls & Spike keeping the belts, and the 7 Time world tag team champs sounds silly.

* Rob Van Dam & Jerry Lynn vs Justin Credible & Lance Storm... Basic prediction... Someone is gonna turn... A split is gonna take place... Either RVD leaves Sabu & Alfonzo... Sabu joins the Impact Players.... Jerry Lynn joins the Impact Players... something is going down... it’s been begging to happen for a while... something’s gotta give.... Justin and Lance win the match...

* ECW World Heavyweight Title Match: Yoshihiri Tajiri vs Taz Okay, not impossible for Taz to lose the title to Tajri.. Would make sense, and Tajiri is a legitimate opponent... But I just don’t think so... You don’t start a feud 2-3 weeks before the PPV (and 2 days if you only watch television) and then have the challenger win the title... So, my gut says Taz, but by the same token... Don’t be surprised to see Taz drop the strap... ECW is working it’s way btack, but currently it has no World Title contenders: Shane is gone; Sabu had his shot, Dreamer is hurt, Lance and Justin aren’t ready yet, and they don’t want to play their trump card of RVD vs Taz just yet... So, this would be a good way to get another PPV out of the way... (i.e., rematch in September, where Taz wins the strap back).... With that said... I’m going with Taz.

Okay folks, hope you had fun with this... Talk to you l8er...

Good ol R.J.