Two things:

• CRZ's bullshitting (What a surprise?) :) The only reason the report hasn't been up the past few weeks on time is because he had to go visit his parents. What a waste that CRZ is. :) This week, however, is my fault; my tape got ate and I had to borrow a friend's.
• If you haven't already, check out Lance Storm's site at http://www.stormwrestling.com; unlike his always-in-kayfabe partner Justin Credible, Lance believes that kayfabe should end outside the ring, and gives a great weekly RA update. He gives insight into all 3 feds, and obviously focuses on ECW. It's weird; he's a lot more entertaining in these segments than he is in his in-character segments. Oh well.

Late as usual, it's your ECW on TNN report for the week of December 10, 1999!

Your Grandpa Sabu is up on the stage to start this week's show. He's being held back by security while RVD is in the ring at the ECW Arena. RVD dedicates his title defense this week to a "very homicidal, very suicidal, very fragile (what, not genocidal?), non-Championship-belt-holding, (censored), ex-partner, good friend of Fonzie's, and last, but not least, 2nd favorite wrestler of the Sheik's", Sabu. I guess the Sheik's pot smoking partner, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, must be number one. A clip job, and RVD is now on the stage, and Sabu kills him via a chair throw. Then Sabu jumps to the lower stage, putting a prone Uganda Jean-Jacques Jat Lan Mutombo through a table.

Bill Alfonso, now, is behind what looks like a CATHOLIC SCHOOLROOM's DOOR. There's religious poetry on the door; weird shit. He tries to cut a promo, but Francine opens the door, and we hear some banging on something. She calls for Tommy, saying Raven is "freaking out"; Tommy consoles Raven, saying that he did the right thing, etc. Raven was apparently banging his head on the wall. 

OPENING CREDITS me! LP Style!

Well, in the Tabernacle in Atlanta, Georgia, it's a big show. Joey Styles is a long with "The sly, handsome man; the man your mother warned you about; the only man that matters; the Quintessential Studmuffin, Joel "Forget everything that you know about Santa, cause I'm the Jolly Man that gets the ho-ho-ho's in Atlanta", Gertner". In the words of that guy from The World is Not Enough, "Can't you just make an entrance and say hello like a normal person"?

We see clips of Limp Shiznit's Fred Durst fighting with Steve Corino last week on ECW on TNN. Wow, seen that about 6 times already. I'll pass. Corino is now in the ring, saying that he "proved that hardcore music is even worse than hardcore wrestling". He then talks about his favorite bands, all of which Gertner concurs with: the Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, and Britney Spears, who apparently is Corino's girlfriend. (Crowd pops for Britney). 

Corino next calls out the man who was stupid enough to start the Hardcore Revolution, Dusty Rhodes? (What hardcore revolution would this be?) Dus-T.E. chant, as we see Dusty's ass in the back. Corino thanks Dusty for ruining every fan's life. And my dinner. Corino eventually calls out Dusty to the ring, while Joey is orgasming: "I've been trying to hire him for months! I'm office, you know!" He's afraid that Cyrus is going to take all his kayfabe-breaking heat. Corino says that it's not 1985 anymore, and Dusty isn't going to be the "Bull of the Woods" in Corino's territory. Corino tells Dusty to look at him when he's talking to Dusty. Corino slaps Dusty. He tastes a Bionic Elbow. Victory joins him. Corino gets a slam, a Dusty jiggle, and a Dusty running elbowdrop. Me? I get sick with some

COMMERCIALS!

We're back, and Dusty is misty-eyed, bowing to the crowd. Styles can't believe Corino's guts. 

We get a ECW Hardcore TV preview. They saved all the good matches for Hardcore TV; RVD vs. Smothers, Crazy vs. Calo, etc.

Jushin Credible and Lance Storm cut a very generic, bad, promo, proclaiming that being an Impact Player is not just a name, it's a lifestyle, etc, hit their catchphrases, out of there.

Uganda is making his way to the ring. That's 2 appearances for him on this show; 0 on every other ECW on TNN show. His big ass, however, doesn't show up in any

COMMERCIALS! (Including ANOTHER ECW commercial; on their own freaking show! FOX, please come save ECW from having to carry TNN's ass!)

Little Spike Dudley to the ring. According to Joel's Heenanism of the Week, Uganda was trained by Stu Abuguga (knock knock knock knock). Joey then chides Gertner for being politically incorrect, saying that he can take care of him; he's office, you know. That leads to some hilarious banter:

• Joel: "There is no office!"
• Joey: "You shouldn't argue with a suit...bad politics."
• Joel: "I'm sorry...I'm sorry...what more do you and the office want from me?"
• Joey: "Me and Cyrus will discuss this at the next 'meeting'."
• Joey: "Hey Joel...do you like Memphis? What about Puerto Rico?"

Uganda charges at Spike; Spike ducks. They repeat. Uganda does it for a third time,  Spike kicks him in the balls, Acid Drop, uno-dos-tres. That didn't hurt as much as these

COMMERCIALS!

2 Drunk Scorpio (w/ Jazz) to the ring! Sweet! They're together because of the Doom Rule: If you have 2 black people with no angle in your organization, they must be teamed together. Simmons and Reed; Harlem Heat and Jacqueline, you get the picture. Scorpio is wearing some bondage outfit, weirdo. The only S&M I'm into is Metallica.

Mike (Not-so-Awesome unless he's against Tanaka) to the ring. Meanwhile, we go to 

COMMERCIALS!

Awesome vs. Scorpio now. We're 35 minutes in, if the tape counter is correct, and this is the first real match. Grrrr. 

They tieup, and Awesome shoves Scorpio off. Tieup again, but this time Scorpio ducks under into a rear waistlock. Awesome uses back elbows to get behind Scorpio, but Scorpio again counters, this time with a whip; but Awesome uses a not-so-Awesome shoulderblock to take Scorp down. Awesome is trying to get a face pop, but he's not getting anything at all from the crowd, no matter how many times he yells at them.

Scorpio is back up, and hits a kick to the midsection, and headlocks Awesome again. Awesome goes for a belly-to-back suplex, but Scorpio flips over, off of Awesome, and hits a superkick. Awesome falls out of the ring onto the PPV ramp, which is up for some reason. Scorpio hits a corkscrew pescado onto Awesome, and then moonsaults off of the top turnbuckle onto a standing Awesome. 

Both are back in now, and Scorpio hits a jumping kick, followed by a forearm and a spinning kick. Scorpio goes off the ropes at runs at Awesome, who awkwardly picks him up and belly-to-belly suplexes him over the top rope to the floor. I think the best way to put it would be "deposited". Generic brawling on the outside. Awesome uses a couple of balsa wood chairshots; Kevin Sullivan must have got fired with Dusty and came to ECW. 

Both back in the ring again, and Scorpio picks up a chair; Awesome comes off the top with a clusterfuckish clothesline that puts the chair in Scorpio's mug. A very average whip, and a jumping shoulderblock from Pretty Good. Awesome and Scorpio trade punches, but Awesome hits a running clothesline, which is sold Jannetty-style by Scorpio. Both look blown up at this point. Awesome picks up Scorpio and whips him; Scorpio hits a kick, then another, and a running reverse cradle for 2. Another superkick. Scorpio goes to the top, and hits a long splash for 2. A back suplex, and Scorpio goes up again, this time for a moonsault with connects for 2 more. A spinning kick attempt, but Awesome catches him, and hits a weak attempt at a chokeslam. Awesome blocks a wild Scorpio punch, and hits a release German suplex (No bridge, all impact, of course). A table's in the ring; Jazz attacks from behind; Awesome goes to powerbomb Jazz through a table, but Scorpio hits a crossbody onto all three for 2. Scorpio goes up top, but gets crotched, superbombed through the table, and pinned.

Live Event Hype.

The tape I borrowed cuts out here; so, unfortunately, no report from the rest on. Memory from the live show only. Result after this was Sandman losing to Credible in an unremarkable match after interference from Rhino and Storm. Post-match, the Impact Players attack; Dreamer makes the save, but they win a 3-on-2 (with Rhino) battle. Raven does not make the save. Backstage, Dreamer confronts Raven, who wants to help Dreamer, but not Sandman. Dreamer threatens to kick Raven's ass if he doesn't save Dreamer next time. End of show.

BAD show to make up for the great one last week. 

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Bill Barnwell
[slash] wrestling

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