Back to carry this site on the weekend AGAIN (or maybe not), it's your ECW on TNN report for December 17, 1999. Beware: This show sucks. I may get angry when Sabu runs in. It's OK. Do not be afraid. 

Our two heroes in black, Joey Styles and Joel "The ladies love me in Virginia, because I'm always smooth up in ya" Gertner open our show. Next, it's a promo which will probably suck, w/ Lance Storm and Jushin Credible providing the mouthpieces. They shouldn't have to beat Rhino and Candido, but they will beat and victimize both of the. Lance says that now they'll have a reason to piss and moan, but Dawn counters with one of the best lines on TNN so far: "Honey, she's already done that". ROFL at that comment, and they're fired too! :) I guess Candido won't have to carry the burden of the whole promotion on his back; what a martyr.

OPENING CREDITS ME, BITCH! LP STYLE! THIS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE SHOW!

Da Baldiezzzz are heading to the ring. Thrill me, rudos! One of them will take on New Jack. You, the viewer, meanwhile, will take on some very dapper

COMMERCIALS!

When we come back from that experience, Nova is in the back with David CashMoneyMortonTylerJericho and doing laundry, it looks like. Chris Chetti shows up, saying that he's coming back tonight, doctor's permission or no doctor's permission. Nova says he can't, because he'll end up like Ricky Steamboat and Shawn Michaels, and that Chetti handpicked Cash to be Nova's partner till Chetti came back. Chetti gets in Cash's face, saying that he better be loyal to Nova, or else he'll snap his neck, and then he hits his FACEPOSE OF UTTER CONTEMPT (all while making a noise that reminds me of Roadkill's pffft). This is funny, and not in a good way, in an Antichristo way. Chetti then accuses Cash of staring at his ass, and says that his face could turn a straight man gay. 

Devito gets the mic, and he sez that the Baldies rule the streets of Virginia. That's like saying that you're the best hockey team in Angola; it doesn't earn you any respect. Devito is getting surprisingly good heat, though. He issues an open challenge, and New Spice is coming down to the ring. 

They exchange punches, but New Jack uses a crutch to take advantage. He follows with a keyboard, whip, clothesline, basting pan, punch, keyboard to the groin, and a top-rope guitar shot for the pin. New Jack then goes to carve up Devito with a fork, but the Baldies make the save, and staple New Jack in the ear. I feel like I got stapled in the ear having to watch these

COMMERCIALS!

Another open challenge from the Baldiezzzz leads to Mike Average w/ Jeff Jones coming to the ring. Woohoo. Average would be a nice way of describing his heat. More like nonexistent. Thank god Paul E. took the belt off of him; oops, did I just say that? (Note: I like Awesome...but he's been used horribly wrong since he joined ECW full-time.) Vic Grimes (the new Baldie) is the one who attacks Awesome to start. Good, he's the only half-talented one.  Grimes with a cross-corner whip, which is reversed by Awesome, but Grimes gets the boots up and hits a very nice flying clothesline. Grimes with another whip, but Awesome counters with a delayed (mainly because he couldn't get Grimes 380 lbs. up, but I'm not blaming him for that) release German suplex. (Then again, Benoit can Northern Lights suplex Hack Myers with relative ease...) Awesome clotheslines Grimes to the floor. Awesome then hits the tope to the floor. 

Back up now, and a stiff chairshot to Grimes' back. Awesome goes to whip Grimes to the guardrail, but Grimes reverses. Grimes goes for Air Grimes?, but Awesome gets out of the way and Grimes takes a nasty headfirst bump on the floor. Awesome sets up a table, and powerbombs Grimes off of the apron through it, then pins him in the ring. 

Jones gets the mic, and introduces Awesome as the most Awesome giant on the Earth. Out comes the Giant-Killer, Spike Dudley, who leaves him laying with an Acid Drop. I fall asleep.

COMMERCIALS! don't even get a segue.

Danny Doring is in the showers, and surely this show can't be any worse. Bad comedic hijinks ensue with Doring, Roadkill (Ok, fine, I'll say it; an Amish Roadkill with a 'tude (you thought that was unheard of)), whatever Doring's ho's name is, and Francine. 

COMMERCIALS! (INCLUDING ANOTHER FUCKING ECW ON TNN COMMERCIAL! TNN IS SO HORRIBLY BAD IT'S LIKE IT WAS, well, WCW! AND THE FUCKING BALDIES ARE FEATURED IN THE COMMERCIAL? HUH?)

Tom Marquez vs. Super Calo vs. Ikuto Hidaka is next, and normally I'd be excited, but, of course, Sabu's crippled ass has to run in and ruin my match. Fuck you Sabu. Fuck you Paul E. I ask for 5 minutes of lucha, and I have to deal with this shit? Sports entertain this. I hope the show gets a .2 rating this week. 

COMMERCIALS. No exclamation point.

Credible to ring.
Storm to ring.
Rhino and Candido with Sytch to ring.

I'm extremely pissed, so I'm not even going to transcribe the first 10 minutes of this match. Just suffice to say it served no purpose. I did write down it all, maybe I'll type it up as an addendum to next week's report. The recap will join in progress, with Lance Storm going to the top rope after hitting Candido with a springboard back elbow. 

...Storm to top, gets crotched, Candido goes up for his superbomb finisher, but Jason holds onto Candido's leg. Rhino throws Jason off of the apron, but Candido doesn't hit the superbomb; instead, a superplex. Dawn Marie breaks the count up, the REAL Bitch (Ms. Sytch) is in, catfight. I'm sure Tammy will allege that she hit a double-leg takedown, and was trying to put a jugi-gatame on Dawn Marie while Tammy was in the mount, but let me assure you, it sucked. They exit stage right. Storm misses a spinning heel kick on CC. A Candido whip is reversed; Candido catches a caneshot from Credible, who is on the floor; Rhino goes to spear Storm, who moves out of the way, so Candido gets a spear; Rhino gets a superkick, and Credible pins Candido. Post-match, Sandman comes in, and gets brutalized by the Players and Rhino, who also gets into a brawl with Candido. 

Raven's in the back, telling someone that he's trying so hard; he can't fight Tommy anymore; he's too weak, Tommy's too strong. He always thought he'd lure Tommy to his side, but the other thing happened. He says that we'll get rid of the Impact Players. As the camera fades out, it is seen that Raven's not talking to Dreamer; instead, he's talking to Francine. The show ends.

Guess what; I didn't like this show. 

BLAH

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