Coach is all by himself on Christmas. Hah! Don't change the channel. (Why?) He has a special surprise. Terri comes out. Okay, where's the special surprise? Coach wants to know why she's here. After Survivor Series the Alliance were toasted, so she picked up the phone and called Vince, and he offered her a chance to have an audition on Excess. She'll do anything (sexual overtones here) to get her job back. Excess - what once was bad has just got WORSE! Tazz will be here tonight. Rejoice.

Lance Storm is a guy who's been trying to get his job back. Terri says he's not willing to do what she's willing to do. Isn't she married now or something? Anyway, on RAW Flair gave him one more chance against The Rock. Storm wins this one via countout. Rocky freaks out, and beats up Storm, 'cause he's a nice guy and all.

Coach asks "what's up with Test?" because he doesn't know many words beyond "what's up with". Terri acts like a whore - though I have to wonder if it really is acting. Anyway, on RAW, Test was in a match with Kurt against Edge and Rikishi. Stuff happened.

Terri says she wouldn't take a Stinkface to get her job back - though she'd do almost anything else. She paws at Coach. I don't know how much more of this I can take...and we're only 1 segment in.

Terri says Austin made a mistake with the grocery store - by not bringing her with him. The reason? I'm quoting here "had I been there instead of Booker we would have had so much fun. Think of the whipped cream, hot fudge, nuts...I love nuts! You like nuts?" Chris is getting testy. Terri wants Coach to comment on her Christmas outfit now. Here's a comment - you have fucked up knees! Let's go back to RAW. Maybe this is why they brought her in? So I'll appreciate the clips?

Booker T smashes Steve Austin's truck with a baseball bat. Booker takes off, and Austin follows. Booker hides in a church so Austin can't find him and plays a game of Bingo. Austin finds Booker there, and the chase is on. Booker finds himself in a confessional booth with a gorgeous woman. When she leaves, Austin makes his way in and we go back to running. Finally, Booker finds a group of nuns. Booker offers them a ride to the orphanage, and one of them accuses Austin of being an alter boy. The priest arrives and wants Austin to confess his sins.

Terri says speaking of nuns, she has a habit, and wants Coach to confess something to her. No, I'm not making this up.

Catch the best of the WWF 2001 on Monday, December 31! Chances are, it'll be TERRI FREE!

Coach promises that Terri's in for Trish THIS WEEK ONLY. I hope to GOD he's not lying, but Coach has before...

Terri butters up Vince's name. On RAW the power struggle between Vince and Ric Flair continued. So on RAW, Flair booked Vince's boy Chris Jericho in a match with Rob Van Dam. Flair was the ref, Vince was on commentary. Vince did NOT say 1, 2, yes we have a winner, no he kicked out! Match ends in a DQ in favor of Van Dam, and we get double figure fours!

Terri wants to tell Coach what she wants to do to Vince McMahon. Coach thankfully cuts her off. Terri wants to know what to do with her hands while they stand in front of the camera. Once again I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

Up next, Tazz will talk about his problems with Christian.

Undertaker: This Is My Yard, this month only on PPV.

Tazz joins the studio. Terri wants him to sing a Christmas song with her. He's not in the holiday spirit. Tazz says everytime Coach is involved he gets treated like an animal. No orange, no black. We change gears, and head to his issues with Christian. On RAW, Tazz and Christian went one on one. Let's watch that. Christian wins in about 30 seconds.

Coach reminds Tazz he didn't win, but he did get the Tazzmission after the match. Tazz didn't like Europe anyway. Terri says he who laughs last, laughs loudest. Tazz says he doesn't laugh a whole lot. 3 weeks ago though he did laugh at something. It was a match that Coach called. He loves picking on the D team announcers. Ooooh!

Anyway, tomorrow night on Heat, Rob Van Dam faces Christian for the European Title. Tazz makes his first breast joke, which means it's time for a break. Quick, if you're watching this, GET ANOTHER BEER.

From the vault this week sees Steve Austin visit Santa Claus. I'm not familiar with this segment.

Coach wants to know how his relationship is with Al Snow? He says they have no problems anymore. He'll say what he has to say to Al on Heat. His main problem is that Snow is far too nice.

Terri has some questions for Tazz.

Who is the hottest female in the WWF? You can include me.
Answer: In the history of the WWF. It's NOT Moolah. He digs Leilani Kai.

Other than WWF shows, what's your favorite TV show?
Answer: He watches a lot of home and garden, Jeopardy, that show with the short kid...

If he could be WWF commissioner of a day, what would he do?
Answer: On one side Steve Austin, The Rock, Kurt Angle, The Undertaker, and The Big Show vs. Gary Coleman.

What has been your favorite WWF moment?
He loved his debut at WWF Royal Rumble, but this morning on WWF Metal, Crash Holly wrestled Brian Gamble and it was a great match - it got SIX minutes.

What's your favorite movie?
He loves action flicks with guys like Stallone. He likes Kindergarten Cop, Watch Out Or My Mom Will Shoot...

Who has been your biggest inspiration?
Funaki. Funaki is THE GUY!

Coach takes over and wonders what he thinks about HHH coming back. He says this is huge, and he wouldn't want to be in HHH's way when he comes back to the Garden.

It's a Beautiful Day with HHH. And here I was thinking DDP was the most upbeat guy in the WWF...

Tazz has left the show. However, we can see him on Heat tomorrow night.

Terri tells Coach that football players turn her on. Sitting there next to Coach with his big muscles turns her on and she can't control herself. Coach thinks this audition is going well. She was hoping Tazz would be a little happier. Coach says there's another guy who's never happy, and that's Test. So Test challenged Rocky on Smackdown! Rocky was in rare holiday form though. Let's watch this.

Rocky sings the 12 days of Christmas in Rocky style. He also says a bunch of other stuff, including a pie reference. Later that night, they had a match. Rocky won. As exciting as it sounds. I hate Test.

Up next, The Undertaker kills Jeff Hardy. This'll be worth a look.

The next January cover of WWF Magazine has Lita and Matt Hardy on the cover - and it says split happens. BWAHAHAHAHAHA, FUNNIEST COVER EVER. Boy oh boy, no one does humor like the WWF Magazine team!

Undertaker forces JR to kiss Vince's ass. We have to revisit this AGAIN? At Vengeance, Taker beats Rob Van Dam and takes his title. Then he wears Spike out like a government mule. Then Jeff Hardy headbangs. Then Undertaker bangs Jeff's head on the mat. Then Taker powerbombs him over the edge of the stage to the floor. Then Lita goes too. Then I smile and thank the censors for not censoring that. It made my day.

Terri has always respected The Undertaker, but doesn't respect his actions lately. Anyway, on Smackdown! Matt Hardy tried to get some of Taker, but wound up becoming Ricky Steamboat.

Terri has one word for The Undertaker - he's a jerk. That sounded like three! We have lots more to come. Coach says this audition is going very well. Uh huh...

Terri was thinking since it's the holidays they should pause and reflect. So From The Vault this week is from December 22, 1997

Some kid tells Santa he's not the real Santa Claus. He sounds like Steve Lombardi. (Not the kid, I mean Santa) Steve Austin arrives on the scene. Austin tells Santa he shouldn't have kicked the kid out of the ring. Austin wants to know if he's the real Santa or just a big piece of trash. Since he's the real Santa, what did Austin ask for when he was six? It was a Barbie doll and tiddley winks. Austin can tell him what to do with the tiddley winks. If he's not the real Santa, give him a Hell No! Austin has a little Christmas present for him - Stunner!

Terri would never do that to Santa - what about her stocking? E-mail your requests to the Vault at WWFExcess@WWF.com.

Last Wednesday at WWF New York, Stacy Kiebler met some fans who won a contest. Denise Colon goes to the site every single day, answered the questions, and won this chance to meet Stacy.

Coach wants to grab a bite with Terri after the show. "Grab a bite of what Coach?"

Edge and Kurt Angle used to be friends - but not anymore. So on Smackdown! Kurt tried to take something away from Edge - the Intercontinental Title. Kurt gets DQed so Edge retains.

Terri wants to know what's gotten into Kurt. The Olympian has taken one of his I's (integrity) and thrown it out the window. Edge will be looking for payback really soon.

Edge makes his sacrifice.

On Smackdown! Mr. McMahon's favorite guest became an official WWF employee. Ric Flair rewarded this signing of the contract by booking him in a first blood match with Steve Austin. With help from the returning Big Bossman, Booker wins the match. Vince laughs like he's choking on exhaust.

Coach wants to know Terri's plans for the New Year. SHE IS A MARRIED WOMAN.

Coach gets dressed like Santa during the break. Time to hype the upcoming week. On Sunday Night Heat, a bunch of stuff happens. Next week on Excess, my prayers have been answered. THE BIG SHOW is gonna be in the house! Rock on!!!!

Coach holds some pine needles over the head of Terri. She doesn't buy it - but if he finds some mistletoe she'll think about it. Merry Christmas.

WORST EXCESS EVER.

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