Hello all you wrestling freaks out there. I bet you thought you had a break from the whole Michaelangelo and CyanIndigo bullshit, didn't you?

Well, tough patooties, we're back. In fact, we're together for the first time ever in what is sure to be an historic occasion, a joint (no, not weed) column written by two, count 'em two, [slash] Wrestling columnists. 

"Why?" you ask? Well, fuck you for asking, we say, "Why not?"

Since I managed to win a little bet the cyber-uber-goddess wagered, I got a week with her and her puppies and I decided to make it part of the deal that we hunker down at the computer for one collaborative effort. 

Hell, if you like it, I may be able to negotiate more in the future. 

What's that you say? "Michaelangelo, you're a lucky guy?" 

Well, duh.

For convenience sake and to make it easier on you, dear readers, we have decided to write this column in more than one font color. The color you see here is me, Michaelangelo.

And this is CyanIndigo. 

Get it?

For the record, Cyan and I are actually here in the same room at the same time. She is not a 60 year old man, nor is she another incarnation of me. If you think otherwise, then don't bother reading any further, because you just won't enjoy it.

And trust me, this column is fucking cool.

Okay, without further ado, I turn the column over to my voluptuous co-columnist. Take it away, oh hottie.

Lord, you talk too much on the Internet and not enough in bed.

Consider yourself lucky, lady.

Dare I remind you who you're dealing with here, jabroni?  This is CyanIndigo, Canook goddess extraordinaire and the pusher of all your preferred buttons.  The only reason I'm here in my underwear and black mini is because you got a lucky guess.  Consider YOURSELF the lucky one.

*sticks her tongue out at him*

All right, toots. The readers aren't here to listen to you jaw about your unfortunate circumstances although some are probably reading to hear about your tongue's current activity. Let's get to the meat of the meat. We'll look at the PPV and then Monday Night's aftermath from both WWF and WCW. 

What say we start with the Royal Rumble first?

You mean the most scar-inducing event of your life?  I  never saw anyone dive for my breasts so quickly claiming therapy.

Ugh. We'll get to Mae and her floppy doggies in good time...save me the hell of having to recall that shit any sooner than absolutely necessary. Incidentally, thanks for the free feel. It helped a bit.

Now then, how about Tazz's debut? What say you?

I would have preferred if they had waited until the post-PPV RAW, just because the main focus was on the Rock winning the Royal Rumble, and the Cactus / HHH main event. Especially since RAW was in Philly, Extreme-Ville. Then again, he made an impression with the quick choke-out victory, caused some attention with whether he officially broke Kurt Angle's winning streak..... it all depends on what they decide to do with him.  Generally, with the few exceptions, people from ECW don't mix in the Big Two, which is a shame, but something that I've noticed.

And GAWD, would you stop snapping my bra strap already?

Sorry. It's jut so damned snappable...and I love black lingerie.

You snap because you're praying it'll break.

Ahem. No comment. Anyway, where are we? Taz, yes. Well I have made no secret about my feelings towards Angle, so seeing him gasping for breath was satisfying on a level that I can hardly describe. However, while I agree that the Tazmission needs to be the focus of Tazz's first few months with the fed, I would have much rather seen him entered into the Rumble and have him gun for the Rock...not necessarily eliminating the Great One, but giving him enough trouble to warrant a feud that could come to a head at the February PPV. This way, he could get over as a nasty heel that wants to prove his mettle by taking out the top star in the WWF.

You ought to know that any preferential treatment would give Tazz a hellish experience in the WWF.   By automatically making him go after the Rock, it's cheap heat, it's the cheap heat that the Big Show is currently sucking off on, and it's something that can cause trouble.  The Rock is the number one man, getting ready for Wrestlemania against HHH (and don't tell me it's not going to happen, c'mon) and he's got enough people after him.  And not to mention that Tazz is in a different league (ie. true technician and all around fuck-nut) so to start him after the Rock, Mr. Number one, wouldn't work.   Kurt Angle is a start, he's new as well, he's in the process of getting over, for the moment, it's a good show.  Include all that with the fact that Kurt is a Olympic wrestler and Tazz is a bad-ass master of suplexes and submission wrestling, it's an interesting mix.  Yes, no?

Okay, I can see that, but he still should have been in the Rumble. I think Mosh could have taken the night off, in spite of the Rock's concerns earlier in the evening. 

Anyway, what's next? How about the Dudleys versus the Hardys? Frankly I thought the whole match was a series of high spots rather than a standard bell to fall affair. Not to say the spots weren't cool. Of course they were, but if I want to see guys being smashed through tables, I can just tune into ECW on TNN Friday night.

BAD: The Dudleys losing to the Hardies in a "put them through the table" match. Now, why have the Dudleys lose a match in which they are supposed to be the dominant and more experienced force? Everyone who knows anything about their origin knows that they are at home around tables, Having two pretty boy high fliers beat them at their own game just serves to discredit them even further.

Think about it.  Who's more popular?  At present, who's more marketable, who's being pushed more and which tag team do the fans want to see?  The Hardys, and as much as it pains me, fuck the origin and the experience.  Not everyone watches ECW (although they should be) and therefore, all these "popular TV fans" that I so despise don't know anything about them, the WWF is only now starting to push the hardcore nature of the Dudley Boyz.  Besides, considering the fact that the Rock won the Rumble, we should probably learn to expect the most expected. What a frickin'  disappointment.

Well, didn't everyone expect Cactus Jack to take the title Sunday night? Hm? 

HEY! Stop crossing and uncrossing your legs like that! It won't get me to change my opinion....you little vixen.

You're the one who asked for the miniskirt.  I asked for no underwear.  Complaints about me?  I think not.  Get your priorities together.

*Cough* Okay, now that that's behind (Get it? Behind?) us, what was the next match? Ah yes, Miss Royal Rumble. I have but one comment to make here...just one...one...yep...only one...

BLEARGH!!!! 

Who the FUCK booked this shit? Why the FUCK did Mae Young do it? What the FUCK kind of world do we live in when that shit gets televised? FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Women and children first! Into the life boats! 

I laugh and laugh and laugh at each and every one of you.   BWA.  HA.  HA.   You're all after a pair of silicone bubbles, you got some natural flavour, can you really complain?

Well, that "flavor" left a bitter taste in my mouth. I may need sexual therapy. Anyone got Dr. Laura's phone number?

Seriously, though. I know exactly why this was done. It was a way of poking the collective male perverted viewer-ship in the eye. After what Kitty did at Armageddon, the media and fans went ballistic, claiming that the WWF had finally broken the seal on nudity in PPV's. I wonder how the buy rate was affected by the thought that one of the contestants would show their goodies in retaliation for Kat's bold flash last month. I guess those who ordered the $30 affair just to get a look at some bouncing funbags got what they deserved.

But did the rest of us have to suffer too? Yuk!

Well, I don't think it was deserved (perverts are perverts, and I love each and every one of you)  but you remember what I predicted would happen?   All in swimsuits, winner declared, tempers flare, fight starts, tops are removed.  It's a little F-YOU from Vince MacMahon to the rest of the world that the expected didn't happen, and really, we should have seen it coming with the inclusion of Mae Young in the competition, we really should have.  It's hilarious the way that the WWF will screw with the audience sometimes.  I just love it, god bless Vince MacMahon.  

And it wasn't a total loss.  You had perfect breasts at your disposal to push away the memory, didn't you?  And I'm the proud owner, so I can't be bothered to be scarred by sagging things like that. You know how many guys wish that their girlfriends were there half-naked at that very moment? Although I have to admit, those were damn SCARY.

I don't want to remember. Hold me.

Okay, enough unpleasantness. On to the IC Triple threat. I predicted Jericho would win and he did. It was a decent match...nothing all that spectacular. I am just glad it ended with Y2J coming out on top.

And you, my sweet?

Pet names will get you nowhere, you know, cherie.

It got me this far, didn't it? <grin>

I suppose it was predictable, Jericho coming out on top, and not just because I am the biggest Jericho-holic on the planet.   Chyna is a competitor, but she's not a believable champion, she's got some extra stamina training in her future if she wants that.  And being a woman is a slam against her, despite the progress that she's made.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking her in the least, but for whatever reason, I personally could never quite believe in her as an IC champ.

As for Holly, while he's a future prospect, he's not (at present, anyways) an established singles wrestler.   It could happen, just not now.  

Oh, who am I kidding?  GO JERICHO GO!!!

Sorry, did you say something? I was staring at your chest.

*flips him off*

Who's pushing who's buttons? Heh heh. Check one in the "Male" column of the "War of the Roses" scoreboard. 

Ha!

Anyway, on to the Tag Team Title match. The NAO go over the Acolytes with a little help from everyone's favorite 98 pound weakling, X-Punk. Well, we've never seen that before, have we? I don't know what pissed me off more, the fact that Road Dogg and Billy Gunn are still the champs or that the defense was booked like a RAW match. What happened to "semi-clean" wins at PPVs? What's with the remedial "ref bump, stable mate interference" syndrome? Are the NAO really that over as champs that we have to go another month of them with the belts? 

I hated it. It's a low down dirty shame.

Let's not forget Stephanie MacMahon-Helmsley is always commentating, and screeching out "I told you we had a plan!"  with every "ref bump / stablemate interference."   What kind of plan is that, anyways?  Are they that convinced that they suck that they have to make a plan to interfere every bloody time?

HEY.   Caught you looking again.  

What caught? I was being obvious. Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back, V.I. Warshawski.

What..... the.....fuck.

Did I make you stammer, Cyan? Wow. That's a first.

Before you lose your lunch, I want to say a word or fifty about the World Title match. Sure, everyone expected Cactus Jack to take the belt from HHH. He didn't.

Well, shit.

Great booking, fellas. you bring back a 'hardcore icon" and have him job in a hardcore match on his first return bout. What makes it worse is that Helmsley's about as close to hardcore as Torrie Wilson. Yes, he wore the crimson mask, but did anyone else notice that the barbed wire that he used on Foley was different from the barbed wire that was used on him? Can you say, rubber tipped?

And, excuse me, but if this match included two guys who really wanted to get down and ugly, the real barbed wire would have been torn across a bare back at least once. Yeah, baby!

Okay, I know that there's no way in hell that HHH is going to risk being horribly mutilated and scarred in a single title defense. Who can blame the guy, or the WWF for that matter? Their number one heel is a tough, handsome guy who's built like a brick shithouse. My argument is, if you're not going to go all the way with the match, don't book the fucking thing. Most of the WWF's fans have read Mankind's book and know what he is capable of with a good opponent like Terry Funk. 

Frankly, what I saw Sunday night was not even hardcore enough to be considered Cactus Jack lite. I'm sorry, but it's true. For God sakes, the Hell in the Cell Match was nastier by far and that was Mankind...

Oh, yeah, and to make matters worse, he lost. What the fuck?

The only thing I'm going to say is that (as Michaelangelo's going for the skirt zipper... .STOP THAT) Mick's going to retire, his best wrestling days are behind him, and I'm sure he's worried about his current well-being. Not to mention that there was blood in the match, and the appearance of barbed wire, which is considered Cactus-Jack-esque.  I don't know, this is your argument, I'm not going to try and top it.  (What, no rebuttal?  Competitive smart-ass remarks?  What???)

Your mouth does the cutest things when you write...I may be swooning myself, here.

Don't swoon yet, my mouth can do other interesting things as well.

*Ahem*

So, what about the Rumble itself? Seems to me that the whole thing is really not worth it when you know who's going to win. I remember some of the older Rumbles...you were really unsure who would come out on top. Who'da thunk guys like Duggan and Flair would take the victory in their respective Rumbles? I mean, it was pretty much assumed that Rocky would go over, in spite of their fruitless attempts to paint The Big Show and Kane in an undefeatable light. Frankly, the most entertaining part of the whole thing was Rikishi's dominance halfway through...the double clothesline and elimination of his "homeys" was quite refreshing as well.

It would have been more convincing if the WWF had started to throw out possible winners earlier on.  Let's face it, this Rumble was poorly advertised.  The Rock announced his intention to enter and win the Rumble, and there was barely a mention of anything else beyond some bitching from the Big Show, and the last minute mention of Kane being a force.   Who else could it have been?  The whole thing is utterly useless.  What is the point of having a 30 man rumble when the winner is going to be the big face that the WWF advertised for two weeks?  What the hell?  You might as well have just let him have the night off, because all the others were pointless.   Why not have a few surprises now and again?   I would have jumped Michaelangelo out of ecstasy if Rikishi had taken the win.  Or Kane.  Or even the Big Show.   It's the exact damn thing from the '98 Rumble, where Austin was the advertised winner, and he was the winner despite prediction that it would be an "upset."  Goddamnit all, it's a waste of my wrestling time. 

I'm getting all worked up, give me someone to kick in the neck.

Don't look at me. I just work here.

Okay, those are our thoughts on the Royal Rumble, howz about Monday Night's offering this week?

I was brutally subjected to WCW this week by this painter man who can never keep his hands off of me.  

I was forbidden to yawn and make faces, so enjoyment was limited.  

*sigh*   And what did I discover?  In short order, The Juice is lame, for some ungodly reason Hacksaw is still around, the NWO is STILL around, Bret Hart makes me want to cry, the build-up of Sting still right ticks me off, and Luger is ugly.  Period.

In journalistic form (right.... just like no sex before marriage) I'll elaborate on one.  The Sting thing.   Once again, Sting is missing in action.  Once again, the NWO is around and causing trouble, being E-VILL and all that jazz.  Once again, the idea of Sting returning and saving the Federation with his apparent super-powers is floating around.  Why exactly is this happening again?  Didn't we just see this after the 16 months of Sting-elusion (1997, I believe)  the whole idea that Sting was going to stop Hogan and his demonic minions, ONLY for Hogan to cleanly pin him at Starrcade?  Sting is NOT A SUPERHERO.  For god's sakes.  UGH.

Don't hold back, Cyan, tell me how you really feel.

Jesus, what a primadonna. What, the WWF is the only wrestling organization on the planet? I may be called a WCW mark for this (and believe me, it won't be the first time), but Vince McMahon doesn't shit gold bricks, he's just on top right now. At least we got to see some decent wrestling  on Nitro this week.

Case in point, Kaz Hayashi versus Psychosis, Kidman versus Vampiro (drool), and Norman Smiley versus Shannon Moore.

Well, la-dee-fucking-da for you, your WCW wrestling, and calling me a primadonna.   Did I say ONE WORD about WWF?  Did I praise it?  Did I say anything?  You're telling me that you enjoy that kind of old, tired, booking SHIT that they're presenting with?  It's a fucking angle that's over 2 years old!   I don't like either at the moment!  Stop putting words in my mouth (and if you turn this into a sex pun, I'm slapping you.)

Oh, yeah, sure. And DX is an original idea. So is the ref bump. Real fucking creative.

Whatever helps you sleep at night. If I may move on, eat your pizza and try to keep your juices cooled down.

You asshole.  Leave me and my pizza alone.

Screw you, I paid for it.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about a few things on Nitro myself. first of all, Three Count. Initially, I hated this gimmick. I thought it was the dumbest thing since The Honky Tonk Man. Lately, though, I have found myself laughing aloud to their constant beatings. Compound that with the post-match performance which usually has one or more member of the trio sprawled out on his circle in pain while the other members try to keep it going. 

Oy, I'm cracking up as we speak at the vision of Shannon doubled over in the fetal position after submitting to the Norman Conquest whilst Evan and Shane sang their lame-ass hearts out.

And on a quick side note, Michaelangelo giggles like a schoolgirl.

Maybe, but at least I don't dress like one.

Anyway, if I may continue, another part of Three Count that I like is the fact that, in the ring, they are high fliers almost on the level of guys like The Hardy Boys. They are hard workers...nothing wrong with that.

Other notes, quickly in GBU Style:

BAD: Booker T. is still jobbing in the midcard. When the hell is he going to get his main event push? How long does he have to work for the promotion before he gets his shot?

GOOD: Tank Abbott's push. Keep having him KO guys with one punch. He'd make an interesting US Champ.

BAD: The "Marmalukes"? What the fuck is that about? Why not just take the plunge into full on bigotry and call them the "New Guineas"? As an Italian American I am shocked and revolted. Really.

GOOD: Devon "Crowbar" Storm's commentary on the Tag Team Title defense. I could have done without the Robin Quivers-esque Daffney and her incessant laughter. Although, David Flair's mocking of Skye Hancock's presence by doing a Nitro Girl impression on the commentary table was good for a chuckle.

GOOD: Sid beating Nash to win the World Title. The little ruse with the guitar was not as great as WCW thinks, but it did the trick for me.

Okay, that's enough of that. Any last words on Nitro, my pet?

What did I tell you about pet names?

Shut up and write, I want to go make out.

Oh my god.  I thought I had the night off.

Oh, hell.  I can't really comment on WCW, it's not my territory, not to mention that I fall asleep during it regularly and willingly.  Now RAW and the WWF, oh yes, oh yes, that has Cyan flags all over that sucker.

THE QUICK NOTES

Much like the subtle teasing of "NUGGET" on Owen Hart, poor Steve Blackman will be plagued by HEADCHEESE, I'm sure of it.  A bad thing?

Is it just me, or does Stephanie always look like she's getting off when she watches HHH work the mic?

Kind of the way you look at me as I write my part of this column, eh? Eh? Eh?

Shut the hell up, I'm talking now.

As much as the Big Show may not want to be a heel, he's in prime position to become the number two, and that means more main event material.  We've got way too many faces on top..... it's ready to be picked.....

Having all the women in the WWF fawn all over Edge is one hell of a strange way to get him over into singles contention.  A feud with Val Venis and Christian is in the works, but what about the inclusion of this Alannah Morley?  Is it worth bringing it in?  Is it worth even using this angle?

And of course, one beneficial thing of pushing Edge to singles is that inevitably Christian will get some singles exposure himself.

Why in the hell did Jericho come and make the save on Chyna?  Technically, their rivalry should be over....he won, he's the better man (oh, yes, indeed)  God, how much do I wish they'd cut this shit out and start pushing him towards the more established superstars.... how I wish.....

I realize that Tori was "shaking and screaming" when the 1-2-3 Skid slipped her a little tongue and all, but was it just me, or did she have a funny, staring look on her face when he left?  I think he's reminding her of what happened.  Just because he was a "perfect gentleman" doesn't mean anything.  I mean, that could mean that he gave her the best orgasms of her life, that's gentlemanly.

Is that a hint? All in good time, toots. Keep your panties on until I say so.

Aren't you aware that I'm not wearing any?

Well now, seems that the rules have changed. But nobody wants to read about that, do they?

Well, tough shit anyway. I'm writing about wrestling.

Okay, the GBU take on RAW, in a nutshell. "What kind of shell has a nut like this?" (Vague Reference...HA! Thought I forgot!)

GOOD: Tazz choking Angle out again. Twice the fun as far as I'm concerned.

BAD: No reaction from HHH and Stephanie? Isn't Angle her golden boy and HHH's bane? They have been pushing that tension all month. Why not a payoff?

GOOD: Crash splitting from Hardcore. As funny as their antics are, it is getting tired. I look forward to seeing the little guy strike out on his own.

KUDOS...to Terri for taking that bump through the table. Of course Buh Buh Ray's rather substantial ass took the brunt of it, but she's no stunt woman. 

WIERD: Buh Buh's reaction after the deed. Where are they going with that?

GOOD: Stevie Richards returns...and dressed as Test this time. At least if gave us a reason to see Bossman/Test again.

GOOD: Rikishi in the main event...

That was MY THOUGHT, you cheating bastard.

Yeah, okay, you were the only one who thought of that.

I JUST SAID IT.  Right here, to the left of you, I just said the damn thing.  Don't give me that bullshit.

Jesus Christ, alright. If it will shut you up and get you to stop grabbing the fucking keyboard away from me:

CYANINDIGO THINKS IT'S GOOD, AND SHE THOUGHT OF IT FIRST: Rikishi in the main event finally. He did well with Rocky and HHH...and got his share of the pop.

Well, unless you want to interrupt me again, I'm all set with RAW.

I have every right to interrupt you. I'm in control of this relationship, I'm the one who is so damn sexy that you can't keep your hands off me in the family living room. Not to mention that I am a goddess.  So shaddup.

Guys, before we wrap up here, let me just say one thing:

INTERNET CYBERGODDESSES: Just say "No."

You are so mean to me.   

*pout*

Yeah, some tough chickee you are. Hee hee. If you don't kick me in the neck soon, nobody will believe that it's really you...

Are you trying to provoke me?  I have the flexibility and the bare feet to smack your ass, your neck, your face, and any other part of you that's insolent.  And who said I was tough?  I'm a seduction artist first and foremost.  Hm?  Right?

Can't much argue with that. Why don't you take us home, hon?

You're cute.

Take me to bed or lose me forever. (That's a vague reference; I can play too!)

Yeah, well, good luck folks. Remember to write us with any comments...you can get me at michaelangelo70@hotmail.com. All letters will be answered or used to line my ferret's cage.

And if you think that Michaelangelo is as pesky and girlish as I do, you can write me at cyanindigo@hotmail.com.

Well, maybe not girlish.  I saw that pout.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.

This is CyanIndigo, keep your spit to yourself, and do me right the first time.