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GB&U 3/4/02

On Thursday night, the nWo took a monstrous step backwards as Steve Austin shot (with all the a net the size and consistency of a napkin) onto Kevin Nash. Austin then managed to run off both Nash and Hall in spite of the fact that they had the upper hand when it came to blows.

Yeap. Mark one in the "Lame" column on that one. Once again, we go into Monday night hoping that the nWo can somehow redeem themselves.

I have no real desire to go into a monstrous opening this week. I've had a really rough Monday morning and I think it's best if I get to the meat of the meat as soon as possible. So, with no further ado, here is:

The Good, Bad, and Ugly for WWF RAW, televised on Monday, March 4, 2002

BAD: The first words we get tonight are from Vince's mouth, "May I have your attention please?" Doesn't he and his family get enough.

GOOD: HHH versus Angle in a steel cage. I will never complain about a booking like that.

UGLY: The last face Vince makes before we go to the opening pyro. Jeez. He does crazy so well, it's almost like he actually is nuts. What are the odds?

GOOD: The Austin sign made out of beer cans. How the hell did they get that thing past security?

INTERESTING: Austin is in the curtain jerker tonight? They must have gotten his name mixed up with Jericho's name when they were setting up the card.

HUH? Booker T versus Austin is our opening match? Color me boggled.

GOOD: Take a close look at Booker. That man is CUT. I really hope he works his way back up the card.

BAD: Why do I smell a run in? nWo anyone?

GOOD: We can always hope for a decent match before then.

BAD: Flair not there due to a "family emergency." Ugh. Please let's not build a weak personal tragedy into the show...

BAD: They are trying to build a rivalry between Booker and Edge based on a Japanese shampoo commercial? Did they use the "Magnetic Wrestling Poetry Booking Kit" to set that one up?

BAD: nWo run-in. It's officially 1998 again. Are these assholes booking their own spots again?

WORSE: Doesn't ANYONE want to make a save here? The nWo is the "poison that will kill the WWF" and the entire locker room is allowing them to step all over the top stars of the company. 

GOOD: At least Austin did his trademark blade job.

YEAH YEAH YEAH: How long is this shit going to go on? I think we get the point. No need to allow these three idiots to mug any more. I am already bored with this show and we are only eleven minutes in.

QUESTION: If this is "Fan Appreciation Night" doesn't Vince realize that the fans would appreciate a new angle rather than recycling the one that started the downfall of the WCW?

OH CHRIST: Austin is still in the ring after the first set of commercials? Hasn't anyone called the paramedics?

AHA: He is gonna walk out of here under his own power. I get it...he's the tough rattlesnake Texas guy. Looks to me like he's just dragging this segment on unnecessarily.

BAD: Doesn't JR remember that this guy beat the snot out of him a few months ago? He's eating Austin's shit and calling it ice cream. That's the new WWF, let's pretend that our fans don't remember anything that happened before the last PPV.

BAD: If Test wanted to give the fans a treat, he should put that microphone down until he learns how to cut a decent promo.

GOOD: Test and Hennig as a team works for me.

BAD: We have to watch them fight Albert and Scotty 2 Hotty. There's always a fly in the ointment, isn't there?

UGLY: Albert's counter to the Perfect Plex. He dropped Hennig on his shoulder hard.

BAD: Scotty rides Albert into the corner? What the fuck kind of dumbass move was that? No wonder these two always lose their matches.

WORSE: Scotty hits another lame move when he gets the Worm on Test.

GOOD: Hennig sneaks in a nice Perfect Plex to get the win.

BAD: Rikishi makes the save and gives Perfect yet another awful move, the Stinkface. I hate stupid shit that is supposed to pass for wrestling holds but are played for a cheap pop. I am really starting to hate "Sports Entertainment." I miss real wrestling.

GOOD: Angle cuts another perfectly acceptable promo. I liked the final line, "I got nothing to lose."

GOOD: Goldust taking Maven out and winning the Hardcore title last week. Tough Enough winners don't deserve to wear gold.

BAD: They had to resurrect the on again, off again, 24/7 rule to get him to drop it.

INTERESTING: An in-the-ring interview with Goldust. You don't see that very often.

GOOD: They attempt to explain the resurgence of the 24/7 rule in the interview so I am willing to give them points for that.

GOOD: Lillian is looking hot in her pink vinyl (or is that leather) miniskirt and mesh top.

EH: Tazz versus Goldust.

BAD: Jackie as the ref. I guess this is her new gig from now on. It's not like the women's division needs her or anything.

FUNNY: Hall is passing out the beers tonight. Is that legal?

BAD: Instead of asking "Does anyone want to see the Immortal Hulk Hogan go one on one with the great one?" we should ask "Does anyone want to see The Rock promote a Pay Per View match without showing up at any televised events between now and then?" Fucking stupid "Scorpion King" movie. Vince must be chewing his own tongue out with frustration on that one. One of his signature stars keeps getting called back to reshoot a crappy movie instead of making himself available to the company that MADE him in the weeks before the biggest event of the year.

UM: I don't think I get the exchange between RVD and Storm. What was with Van Dam shrugging off the slap and what the hell was Storm's final reaction all about?

GOOD: If it means a match between these two guys, I guess I can deal.

GOOD: Am I the only one who thinks these vignettes between Page and Christian are funny? I guess so.

LEMME GUESS: The "stage hand" that the nWo beats the crap out of is actually a local worker. Considering the bumps he's taking, how can it be anything but?

OH BOY: The Godfather is at WWF New York tonight. I know this is hard to believe, but he's dancing to his theme song with a bunch of women. What a stretch.

BAD: Women's matches always seem to kill the crowd. It's a shame really because Trish and Jazz aren't really all that bad.

OBVIOUS STATEMENT OF THE NIGHT: Trish has large breasts.

GOOD: The ladies are proving me wrong as they are actually getting some crowd response here.

BAD: Trish's shirt pops off? Ok now that's not really a bad thing per se, but this was a good match before they went to the T&A factor.

BAD: The only thing worse than Stephanie acting with another person is when she acts into a phone.

FORESHADOWING: A zillion dollars says that the contents of that bottle she just rubbed all over her body isn't her lotion. I think it was the smirk on HHH's face that tipped me off.

OWCH: They had to go and show us the official end of Bart Gunn's WWF career when Butterbean punched his chin through his skull at Wrestlemania 15. I've seen a lot of boxing matches but few knockouts as brutal as that one.

BAD: The stupid fucking crowd still hasn't gotten the hint that it's inappropriate to say "What?" over and over when guys like The Undertaker are cutting their promos.

BAD: The Undertaker pushed the envelope a little bit "futher." Nice pronunciation.

BAD: As I feared, the "emergency" is part of an angle.

GOOD: David Flair! I was wondering what happened to him!

BAD: The Undertaker beats David in the bathroom and warns the other trainees not to open the door, however he ignores the cameraman who slyly sneaks in behind him.

GOOD: David takes a decent beating...of course, he was always pretty good at that.

GOOD: Aha! Taker was using the cameraman to send a message to Ric Flair.

GOOD: In spite of a fair amount of chewing the scenery, the Undertaker really does come across as sadistic.

BAD: Still doesn't make me want to watch Flair/UT at Wrestlemania. I just don't see these two having a good match.

GOOD: RVD versus Storm. Storm works the leg old school style to ground his opponent and RVD sells it pretty well. Good stuff.

BAD: It's matches like these that give me a taste of the old ECW. I wish they had let Jerry Lynn work a program with Van Dam before they released him.

BAD: In the last moments of the match, RVD shakes off the leg injury and gets his finisher off. I would probably have liked the match better if he'd been forced to use a different method to beat his opponent. It would have made more sense.

BAD: Hall shoves a man into a tank of hot coffee, presumably scalding his face with third degree burns. Once again the nWo commit a felony assault on camera and walk away without having to answer for their crime. I think we all know that they are bad men without having to be treated to blatantly over the top bullshit spots like this one. Oh wait, I forgot, this is Monday night when the nWo are the toughest and cruelest badasses in the sport. It's Thursdays that they are pussies who can be stopped when someone shoots them with a tiny net.

COOL: The Rock's montage. They actually showed "Rocky Maivia" and when he was a part of the Nation of Domination!

QUESTION: Does Hogan always pose when he talks? Maybe he was one of the Power Rangers.

BAD: So Hall gets to pick his opponent from a bingo machine. How exactly does that work? Is the entire roster sitting in the locker room with all their gear waiting to be called out for the match?

BAD: As if we hadn't had enough of these three assholes tonight, we get to hear them cut ANOTHER promo.

OH BOY: The official "Rey Mysterio Jr." of the WWF, Spike Dudley, gets to play punching bag for the nWo. I bet at some point during this segment, the nWo triple team him and leave him lying while the entire rest of the roster does nothing.

EXCUSE ME...can someone please pass the squash.

GOOD: No post match beatdown. We can only hope we have seen the last of the nWo tonight.

GOOD: The Rock is coming back on Thursday. About time.

GOTTA WONDER: Is it a one shot deal or will he be back on television every week until Wrestlemania?

GOOD: Mark Henry looks fucking huge!

BAD: More acting from Stephanie. Am I the only one who wants to shove a rubber ball gag into her mouth right now? Stephanie, we are begging you, if you MUST appear on TV, take some Goddamned acting lessons and learn at least an inkling of the craft. Screaming in your highest and loudest pitch isn't all there is to acting upset. You are making a fool of yourself each and every week. You are a lousy actress and everyone watching you thinks so. Put your enormous ego aside for a moment and you might just realize that you are a far worse poison for this company than the nWo ever could be.

HEH: A product with the word "sour" in its name is sponsoring Wrestlemania this year. I hope that's not some cruel irony.

GOOD: Nice short arm clotheslines by HHH on Angle. Just stiff enough to look like they hurt.

BAD: While deliberate, this match is fairly slow paced and quite boring.

BAD: "Cage match logic." I can never understand why guys choose to go over the top of the cage when the door is so much easier...and why the other guy always tries to stop the first guy from climbing out instead of just making a mad dash for the door and beating him to the floor. They should just lock the cage door once and for all and force the wrestlers to climb every time.

BAD: Naturally, Stephanie has to interfere in the match. What would a main event on RAW be without interference from a McMahon?

LAME: Stephanie can't seem to understand the intricacies of the cage door lock and has to "hold" the door shut to prevent Angle from leaving before he administers more punishment to HHH. Yeah I believe she's got the muscle to keep a guy the size of Angle from opening that door. Stupid.

JEEZ: This thing is just going on forever...can we just end the match please?

CRAP: Ok there's no referee, so why is the bell being rung? How can Angle be the winner if the ref did not see it? BAH.

OVERALL: Welcome to the nWo show. All nWo, all day and all night. If the nWo isn't on your screen, Stephanie McMahon is! It's a magical evening. To be honest, I am really not sure what the point of dubbing this edition of RAW "Fan Appreciation Night" was really meant to accomplish. Other than the commentators constantly repeating the proclamation over and over again, nothing special really happened. Eh. Whatever. I guess we once again take what we are given and like it or lump it. This week, I think I will lump it.

Questions? Comments? Foot to the head? Write me at All letters will be answered or laid off.

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.

[slash] wrestling

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