You are here
Guest Columns

Sharon Austin




Greetings, sports fans! I'm writing this through a red haze- first we get a fair to middling PPV ? I know I sound like a broken record, but these monthly PPVs really make titles like King of the Ring less special! I mean, let's face it, the last two matches: Kurt vs. Shane; 3-Way between Benoit/Jericho/Austin is what everyone's talking about-not Edge winning KOTR! Edge didn't even get a celebration at the PPV!

Yeah, he got one at RAW but it was interrupted by the King of Suck, Billy Gunn! I LOVED Edge's promo about Billy, it was truly classic 'Billy Bitchcakes'! Then we get to see not only a Jeff/X-puke rematch on RAW but a smug sneering X-puke winning the belt! THEN I get my new WWF magazine (with E& C on the cover) and there are two-COUNT 'EM, TWO!- articles on the wonder that is Xpac! (Sorry, I'm not stealing the great writer Dean Malenko's gimmick, I just had to comment!)

The magazine reads "It was no coincidence that this showman was one of the brilliant minds behind D-Generation X, the most revolutionary group to ever hit the scene. It should not be forgotten that he carried Kane in one of the most unlikely championship tag teams ever, that he aided the incomparable Triple H in his ascent up the roster, that he stood alongside the NAO, saving their hides-and their titles-on many occasions."

WHOA!!!! Someone obviously put his knee pads to very good use here. You know I've actually heard other deluded Xpuke fans say he CARRIED Kane-what matches were THEY watching? Kane is big, powerful and unlike the Big Show, quite agile-to say HE needed to be carried is a joke! Well, after losing my lunch reading THAT, a few pages later there's an article on X-Factor being a talented dynamic group just ready to explode and take over the WWF. You know, I used to complain about XPuke in my column, I even got hate mail from 2 deluded XPuke fans! But the everyone began to see what I saw and I didn't have to rant about him anymore!

Yeah, I guess this week was proof of Suck Factor-we get to see the praying mantis take the Light Heavyweight belt, then Albert get the IC title. Guess they really do have everything they ever wanted now.... What title will Justin get? Why do I have this sinking feeling it'll be the Euro title? And much like Chyna, these 3 will bring NOTHING to those belts! God knows the Light Heavyweight belt is pretty much a throwaway-I mean, they kill it then resurrect it then kill it again! They pretend it'll be made to look like a credible belt, have a few matches then just bury it! I had high hopes when Essa Rios had it, I had high hopes when Dean Malenko got it and I REALLY had high hopes when Jerry Lynn came in and won it!

Then Jerry lost it to Jeff Hardy-you regular readers know of my fondness for the Hardy Boys but even I'm not so blinded by lust as to believe Jeff deserved that belt more than Jerry Lynn! Then Jerry gets relegated to Jakked/Metal duty while we're forced to watch The One Billy Gunn get his 9874532th push?

Give me a break, people!!!! They should call him 'The Not One Iota of Charisma' Billy Gunn!!! He's about as exciting as watching paint dry!!! *deep breath* ANYWAY-so much has happened since my last rant session, let's discuss, shall we?

First of all was the mounting injury list-My God!! Just when Benoit was starting to get over, he gets an injury that sidelines him for over 6 months!!! DAMN!!! Well, I'm glad to hear his surgery went well and the doc predicts a full recovery. I'll miss seeing his intensity in the ring and I certainly hope the crowd greets him with some big 'welcome back' chants! He's busted his ass since entering the WWF; I'm glad the powers that be recognized that the fans would like to know about HIS surgery & recovery time. We certainly were treated to HHH's a few times! Poor Rikishi probably feels totally forgotten! luck and speedy recovery to ALL the guys on the injured list!

Then of course I have to talk about Chyna basically being dismissed. After all the hype and publicity, it seems Miss Chyna bought a ticket to Sable Island. You know that saying those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it applies here just a bit too well. You would think watching Sable fade into obscurity would remind Chyna about getting too full of herself but evidently she thought SHE was different. That other one about forgetting who brought you to the dance is good too-the book, movie and tv deals was made possible by the WWF! I cringed when the LAW guys asked her about Owen's death and Montreal and why they weren't written about; she replied 'well that's wrestling, this book is about ME, Joanie'. Well, excuse me but you'd rather write about waking up with a dick in your mouth but not about a colleague that died at a show? So why wasn't the book called 'The Life of Joanie Lauer'? Ah well, I've only heard one side of the story, who knows exactly what happened?

The biggest news is of course, the INVASION! I've been reading many dissenting voices hating how the WWF is handling this but I'm willing to adopt a wait and see attitude. There have been complaints of using lower card guys like Lance Storm and Hugh Morrus to kick off the invasion but I say what's wrong with that? If you started with say, Goldberg,THEN went to Morrus and Storm, how would that work? I'm liking it so far though it's a little sad to see the WCW guys getting destroyed-like DDP, Palumbo & O'Haire, makes them look a bit ineffective. I AM looking forward to RAW this week AND seeing if Shane brings out his own announcers for WCW matches!

The biggest disappointment this past week was seeing Tajiri get the Worm!!!!*Sniff* Wells me up just thinking about it! Coupled by the crowd marking out for it just really turned my stomach!!! While I'm glad to see Scotty fully recovered, THAT was a moment I'd rather forget! Poor Tajiri! I wasn't sure how to take this houseboy role he had but he and Regal are turning out to be the highlight of the shows! Well, them and the budding love story of a rattlesnake for a millionaire. Yeah, I'm talking about Vince and Stone Cold Steve Austin! (With his fondness for gay storylines makes me wonder if Russo's back!)

I wasn't enjoying this heel turn of Austin's-not that I'm an Austin fan, it was just obvious it wasn't working! Though Austin CAN get an asshole chant when he tries, the crowd still cheers for him but what can you expect? They've been cheering for him for 4 years now! Anyway-I was perplexed by his initial hug of Vince on RAW a couple of weeks back but they've REALLY stepped it up since then! I thought I'd been reading too much slash fan fiction but watching Stone Cold and Vince HOLD each other on RAW (that was NOT a hug, that was being held close!!) then watching SC glare at Kurt for intruding on their evening was hilarious. Debra is an inconsequential piece in this relationship what with the lack of attention Steve gives her when Vince is around.

And this past Smackdown further cemented this homoerotic angle with Stone Cold stepping in to hug Vince whenever he was the least distracted! Come on, didn't you see the way he looked when Torrie Wilson caressed Vince's cheek?! Geez, where's Fab Glitter when you need him? I'd LOVE his take on this! My only slight problem with this angle is whether seeming gay will MAKE Stone Cold a heel. For all the homoeroticism involved in wrestling, some fans are pretty homophobic and it's scary to think being gay will make fans hate him. I certainly hope not. I found his possessiveness of Vince very funny. This is another angle I'm looking forward to see played out.

Well, that's it from me-enjoy this week's wrestling!!

Until next time..............

First Lady of the Oracles

Mail the Author

Comment about this article on the EZBoard



Design copyright © 1999-2001 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright © 2001 by the individual author and used with permission