MY TWO CENTZ
Sorry about the lack of a column last week. Occasionally, real life does intrude. ("Wait a minute, Internet columnists have lives?") Yes, we do. Some of us, anyway. As for my weekend, when you have the opportunity to go to the Poconos with a hot babe (Hi, Lisa!) you take it. This week's column will be a "Best of" containing my thoughts on the last two weeks (that's KotR and since,) so it'll be kind of slipshod and disjointed, but please, bear with me. Here we go: Back by popular (?) demand, it's yet another edition of My Two Centz! And now, on with the newz:
Outbreak of Foleyitis running rampant in the WWF: There comes a time when you've just got to step back and go "Wow, that's pretty darn impressive. I'm not even going to try and top that." Alas, no one in the WWF ever seems to reach that point. My Olympic Hero and Hometown Savior Kurt Angle sustained a concussion during one of his King of the Ring Tournament matches. He then went on to also suffer a loss of consciousness during his street fight with Shane McMahon, while also either bruising or breaking his tailbone and maybe losing a tooth. Ow. Kurt, get well soon. As far as the Boy Wonder goes, when is he going to realize that HE'S RICH?! He doesn't need to do the kinds of insane things he does. I appreciate him bumping his ass off constantly, but let's look at what happened to him at King of the Ring: He landed on his head several times during the process of attempting those "through the window" spots with Angle. Shane, yeah, your dad lost some money on the XFL. But he's still worth $700 million dollars! Your wife is HOT!!! What more do you want? For God's sake, stop trying to top your last stunt. You could've easily broken your neck on TV at KotR. Sadly, Shane's probably become an adrenaline junkie, which is one of the most addictive drugs of all. I just hope he kicks his habit before he winds up permanently disabled or dead. I hope the injuries to Stone Cold's hand and neck/back aren't serious enough to keep him out of the ring for an extended period of time. Chris Benoit is now out for 6 months with severe nerve damage in his neck. Chris Jericho landed on his head attempting a Lionsault, risking serious injury. What do all these things mean? That it's time to scale back on the sick bumps. It's not worth trying to one-up the danger every single day. I don't want to see the World Title on Albert because he's the only guy left on the roster who's healthy. But, aside from my own selfish entertainment reasons, I don't want to see any of these men permanently hurt or (God forbid,) killed attempting to entertain me. Fellas, I'm not worth it! Neither is anyone else. In the two years since the death of Owen Hart, has no one in this business learned anything? Like the old song said, "Take it easy."
DubbyaSeeDubbya Invasion: One possible side-effect of all these wrestlers getting hurt is that it now seems as though Titan will just have to bring in the entire roster of WcW ('cause I'm Chip Boots and I don't deserve to have everyone else's cute spellings forced on me. It's a conspiracy and I do not like it,) to the WWF wholesale, in order to compensate for all these lost personnel. And my brother thought he was screwed when Kwee Wee got hurt in his Promotion Wars game! But, seriously, the intra-WcW fighting at the end of Smackdown has really piqued my interest for RAW on Monday. I would've watched anyway, but now, I'm pretty excited.
1987 revisited: After reading the columns by my colleagues Llaktor and The Patriot 2K1, I decided that, for the week of June 25 to June 29, I'd refrain from my usual practice of surfing the Net everyday for wrestling news. I usually hit several different sites to read the Smackdown! spoilers and all the opinion pieces. After watching Raw on that Monday, I decided that I'd take a break from the Net News scene until after I watched Smackdown! on Thursday evening. I got back on the Net during this past week, but I avoided Smackdown spoilers again this week. It made for an enjoyable experience. I marked out when I saw Palumbo and O'Haire interfere in the Dudley's match last week. I marked out when I saw "Greg" Helms and Billy Kidman on Smackdown. Give it a try sometime. Just make sure to come back in time to read this column. Speaking of Helms/Kidman, the crowd was into it, so the negative reaction to Booker/Buff on RAW wasn't necessarily anti-WCW, it was anti-bad wrestling. As far as Buffy the Invasion Slayer goes, maybe they'll fire him, 'cause he's sure not the stuff, and, after Monday, I've had enough. And so has everybody else. I know a chinlock is a rest hold, but he could've at least tried to make it look like he was trying to cause Booker some pain. What a lazy turd. He's really short, too. I didn't notice until I was watching Smackdown and was like "Hey, who's the midget in the Buff hat beating up MarkTaker?" Then, he turned around. "Holy vertically challenged, Batman, it is Buff."
Tuff Enuff Z'nuff: This was written after watching the casting special. I've changed it a little since, 'cause I've read recaps of the episodes since. My original choice for the men, Jason, quit this week, so I'm 0-1. I am going to try to catch a rerun of the latest episode, since it features my favorite wrestler, Triple H. Anyway, here are my thoughts on "Tough Enough:"
That Trish Stratus wannabe, Bobbie Jo, needs to lose, but she probably won't. I feel really bad for Stacy, the Australian chick who was interviewed several times during the casting special. She tried out because she actually wanted to be involved with WRESTLING! What a concept! I thought she was pretty hot (Australian and/or British accents drive me wild!) and one of the WWF guys liked her, but of course one of the MTV guys said, "She's a little long in the tooth," (what was she, 26-27? Yeah, that's over the hill!) so they ditched her, but kept some stripper/hooker that wants to use this show as a stepping-stone to Outlaw Biker, because I don't care what she says, she's sure not good-looking enough for Playboy, or even High Society!
Thanks, MTV! Not only have you killed music, with any bands I might actually like being shuttled to The Rock Show on VH-1 Late Night, now, you've gotta fuck up (f-bombs RULE!!!) my wrestling, too! Out-fucking-standing! My pick for the women is Nidia, who happens to be another stripper (Anyone else sensing a theme here?) As far as the guys go, I can see three of them actually surviving: Harvard Chris, Maven, or Greg. My money's on Maven. Chris Ni. (I didn't catch the rest of his name, but he's not the Harvard guy, he's the other one,) is too much of a pretty-boy jackass. Tazz'll break him in half, and I'll be laughing my ass off the whole time. If Darryl, the big fat guy, didn't have such an attitude problem, he'd probably have an outside shot, since the WWF loves big, fat guys (Rikishi, need I say more? Okay, Mizark Henry! Had enough? No? Okay, Vader! Done yet? Huh? Not yet? All right, then. You asked for it: KING MABEL!!! There! Now quit cryin', or you'll force me to go way back in the archives and mention Earthquake and Tugboat!) I'll be rooting for Josh, the five-foot-nothing shrimp, but I don't see him lasting very long.
WrestleWhine: In case you needed any more proof that Wrestleline is run by idiots (I said "run by,") Dave Richard devoted his whole column this week to pleading for Goldberg to come back. Needless to say, I disagreed wholeheartedly. So, I sent him an email. Here's the text of it. We'll see next week if he had the guts to print it.
Have you been smoking crack with Jake Roberts? Why in the hell should the WWF sign Goldberg? He sucks. I'm so happy that he's gone. He's a mediocre football player who happened to fall bass-ackwards into wrestling. He cares nothing for this business, and is such a horrible worker that he ENDED BRET HART'S CAREER by fucking up [I had to use "fricking" in the email, 'cause he can't handle a little colorful language] a superkick! THAT is the kind of guy you want to see back in the ring? "Who's next" to get their career ended by this slipshod egomaniac? Austin? Triple H? Or maybe he'll end the career of Booker T, Angle, or Edge before it even really gets started? How's the WWF locker room going to react when they see Goldberg brought in and immediately making more money and getting more TV time than 97% of the roster? The WWF clawed their way from the brink on the backs of Austin, Triple H, the Rock, and Foley. Now, Goldberg is going to be the centerpiece? What about all the young, up-and-coming WcW talent who were promised a shot? That's it? Booker, Awesome, Storm, etc., just get shoved to the side? Yeah, that's really a recipe for success. I just thank the Good Lord of All that is Pure and Right that you're just an Internet writer and not someone actually in a position of authority in the WWF. Put down the pipe before you write your next column.
[I'm doing a big Lex Luger-type muscle pose now] YEAH!!! Net feuds RULE!!! Stay tuned to see where this one goes.
Stoopid Sines: People, for the love of God and All That Is Holy, USE A DICTIONARY WHEN MAKING YOUR SIGNS!!! You're trying to get on TV, for crying out loud. "Gore" is not spelled "G-O-A-R," "table" is not spelled "T-A-B-E-L," and "rollin'" is not spelled "R-O-L-L-E-N'." That kind of stuff is why most people think wrestling fans are dumbass, inbred rednecks.
Anyone else think of Jimmy Swaggert's "I have sinned against yeeeewwww!" tear-jerking confession while watching Vinnie Mac's apology on Smackdown?
Angle and Austin have been my favorite part of WWF TV this week. That little elementary school "I'm better" "No, I am" thing is hysterical. I laughed my ass off. And Angle in that little cowboy hat! HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!
"Whoo Hoo! Of the Week:" Chyna won't be brought back by the WWF. ("Numfar, do the Dance of Joy!") I just want to see her once more to job out the Women's Title, for the sake of continuity.
"D'oh! Of the Week:" The WWF might cave to Jerry Lawler. ("Numfar, do the Dance of Shame!") Why they would want to bring back King, whose inadequacy becomes more and more obvious to me the longer Paul Heyman is on the air, for WCW shows instead of getting Bobby The Brain, the best heel announcer of all-time, is beyond me.
You want to know my predictions for next week? "My prediction? Pain!" [Cheesy Movie Trivia: You've got to hit the trifecta to get the prize this time: The actor, part, and movie. But, I think it's pretty easy, so you should have no problem with this one. Again, whoever sends me the first correct email gets his (or her. Do I have any female readers?) name in my next column.]
One point about my rants: I'm not really that crazy, I just only have two speeds: silent and rant. But I'm okay now, I promise!
Stuff from the Pairs (and Pairs) of The Chip's Fans:
The Cheesy Movie Trivia Award from last time goes to Ted Acuff, who correctly picked Anthony Quinn from the Arnold Schwarzenegger film with the magic movie ticket, even if he didn't remember that the title of the movie was "Last Action Hero," an underrated movie, by the way. Good job, Ted! For those of you who didn't know the answer, just watch TBS or WGN on a Sunday afternoon (or late at night, if you're an insomniac like me.) They can usually be counted on to show a couple of cheesy action movies, or cheesy comedies, unless they're airing Cubs or (*shudder*) Braves baseball.
I was expecting tons of emails from Goldberg and/or WCW marks everywhere telling me what an idiot I was for not recognizing Billy's talent. I didn't get any. None at all. Are there no Goldberg fans out there willing to stand up for him? Or do you all just agree with me? Or are you just too apathetic to care? Give me some feedback, people!
Until next time, I'm Chip Boots, and this has been My Two Centz.