MY TWO CENTZ
First up, big congratulations go out to Our Fearless Leader, CRZ, on the two-year anniversary of this little corner of the wrasslin' world. If I wasn't such a drunken imbecile most of the time, I would have noticed the upcoming anniversary and sent in a column for that. But, I am a drunken imbecile, and I did miss the huge anniversary gala. However, I will try to make it up now by using my usual B.S. intro filler to talk about [slash] and Our Fearless Leader
Zed, you're the best at what you do. You give up a good portion of your limited time and limitless energy to run this site. Your recaps have been a constant source of humor, knowledge, entertainment, and even a little enlightenment here and there. For an example, one of the best matches I've ever seen on TV was Austin/Angle on RAW in January. I watched the show on TV, and marked out like a 10-year-old for Triple H, but I still read Z's recap, since he always seems to add a little something. Now, even though I no longer have a tape of that match (though I wish I did. Anybody wanna hook me up?) I can go here read Z's recap, and it's like I was there. That's his gift. I've even gone into the archives to read recaps of shows I've never seen, and it's like I'm watching it. I don't want someone to dissect every little damn thing and be all technical and smarty. I want to be entertained. Z, I don't know you at all. I've never met you or talked to you on the phone, or even exchanged emails beyond what's necessary to send in my columns. But, from what I can gather from your writing, and your commitment to this site, you've never lost touch with your inner mark. It's "entertainment." It's supposed to be "fun." Thanks for giving us all a place where it can be fun. In every email I send with my column, I thank you for the opportunity you give to a no-name like me to get my little opinions out, and I think this is the right time to thank you publicly. Besides, there's never a bad time for a little shameless ass kissing, is there? :) Thank you for the site, and I hope to be contributing here for a long time. I'll leave it to the readers to judge whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I also told my best friend I'd get him mentioned in my column this week, so here it is: Congratulations, Tim Corvin, your name is now on the Internet, being read by the pairs (and pairs!) of my loyal readers! That, and $0.25, will get you a pack of gum.
Well, since you didn't come here to listen to me go on and on about non-wrestling crap (Or maybe you did? How do I know? Why did you come here, anyway?) I'll move on to the actual-wrestling crap, which happens to be the most eventful week of WWF TV in a long time.
Never count out Vinnie Mac: This week's was the best TV (Pay or otherwise) that I've seen from the WWF since their swing through Canada earlier this year. A little over 7 minutes into RAW, I knew this was going to be different. I just didn't know how different. I'll cover the specifics later, but first; let's give props to Vince. He managed to get everyone talking about the Invasion again. He's injected new life into this angle. I don't know where it's going to go, but I know there are going to be a lot of people watching as it happens. I didn't think they'd be able to do it. I didn't think they'd be able to make the WWF look like the underdogs. But they did. The McMahon-Heyman Axis (you can use that phrase, just give me credit) looks like a pretty formidable force. I didn't think they'd be able to get me to root against my old ECW favorites. But, I'm booing Tazz. I'm booing Heyman. I'm booing Nick Patrick. Okay, he wasn't one of my old favorites, but you get the point: I'm booing anyone even remotely associated with WECW (that's pronounced "we-see-dubya.") I almost went off half-cocked and wrote an early column about how illogical this all was, but I got ahold of myself. As much as this seemed like Vince Russo's vaunted "Crash TV," I don't think it was. After watching Smackdown, I'm convinced it wasn't. It might be somewhat "booking on the fly," but they've still got a general idea where they're going. At least I hope they do. Vinnie Mac has never disappointed me on a major, long-term angle. Not counting the "Higher Power" fiasco. And the whole "who raised the briefcase?" thing. And "Rikishi as the driver." And...oh, never mind. I'm still willing to give him a chance. But the payoff needs to be there. And they can't sacrifice the Austin heel turn already. Much as I'd like to see the old Texas Rattlesnake leading Team WWF, it's just not conducive to long-term storyline continuity. WWF, don't give in to the quick fix.
Paul E. Revolutionarily: I was always a Paul Heyman fan, but I am now a Paul Heyman mark of the first degree. If anyone out there knows of a Paul Heyman fan club, let me know. Early ECW laid out the blueprint for what would become the "WWF Attitude" that brought the WWF back from the brink. Paul didn't have access to Vince McMahon's bankroll, and that was ultimately responsible for the bankruptcy of ECW, but none of that changes what he did. Paul Heyman changed the wrestling business. The man is a true genius. Without him, I don't think wrestling would have experienced its late-90s boom. He's also come close to surpassing Bobby The Brain Heenan as the best heel announcer of all time, in my mind. It's a shame he probably won't be on commentary anymore. But, the rumor was that he wants to be more backstage and wasn't comfortable with his on-screen role. It's your choice, Paul. We'll miss you. I'll throw in some great Heyman quotes from his last RAW as a farewell sendoff:
Talking about Spike Dudley's run-in on RAW: "Here you see the one-legged man entering the ass-kicking contest."
Renaming the AlbertBomb (I refuse to call it the "BaldoBomb," 'cause that's just dumb,) "The Meshugniator!"
Talking to Ross: "I have nothing but respect for you. And very little of that." "All this kissing going on. Don't get any ideas, JR!"
That's all great stuff! I might to have to add a "Paul Heyman Quote of the Week" to my column. He's so much better than Jerry Lawler. Stay in Memphis and be pussy-whipped, King!
E-C-W! E-C-W! E-C-W! I watched RAW in a pool hall. I was taping it at home, figuring I'd watch it later. While I was shooting pool, I happened to notice that the bartender had put RAW on the television above the bar. I didn't think anything of it. I was taping it at home, if anything important happened. I continued shooting pool. As I went to the bar to get another beer, I saw Rob Van Dam and Tommy Dreamer come through the crowd and attack Chris Jericho and Kane. I said "Holy shit!" out loud. The rest of the bar stopped and looked at me, but I didn't care. It was E-C-fuckin'-W and they were back! Then, I thought, "Wait, why are they attacking the WWF guys?" But, I stayed at the bar to watch. I saw the Dudley Boys and Raven running down the ramp, and I thought, "Oh, well, it's just another 'Midcarders of the World Unite!' moment." The guy I was playing started bitching, so I went back and continued shooting. A few moments later, I saw Paul Heyman on the mic. Since it was time for another beer (I drink fast,) I walked to the bar to order another round and listen to Heyman. I heard Heyman talk about everyone forgetting "the Tribe of Extreme" in all this fuss about WCW. I thought "Hey, that's pretty cool. A third side to the Invasion. I like ECW. This'll work fine." I went back to the pool tables, finished my game, played a couple more, and then went home at about midnight. I decided to watch RAW then, so my memory would be as intact as possible when writing my column for you, dear readers. This does give the new WcW an instant credibility that they'd been lacking. They're no longer "the minor league from Down South" with the infusion of ECW talent. They're a threat. But what does this mean for the WWF? They've just lost a whole bunch of their talent. Are they going to bring up guys like Brock Lesnar and Shelton Benjamin to fill the void, or will they fall back on the old standbys of The Big Slow and "The One (Move)" Billy Gunn? I hope it's the former. This also means the end of Paul Heyman as my RAW color commentator. As long as they bring in The Brain, or someone else good, to replace him, that's fine. But, if his replacement winds up being Lawler, I'll be seriously pissed off!
This Person's Champ: I miss The Rock. I know, I'm as surprised as you are. I want to see a big-time face defend my company, the WWF. I'm really hoping for Austin to continue playing the cowardly heel by abandoning Vinnie Mac at Invasion. That costs Team WWF the match, and RAW. In the aftermath, as the WCW/ECW guys beat down Vince after their win, "If Ya Smellllll..." hits, and the People's Champion comes out, clears the ring, and catches Booker T with a Rock Bottom. I'd mark out like a little schoolgirl. Vince has been a heel consistently since WrestleMania 2000. It's time to turn him face and get him off TV for awhile. What better way to do that than to have him getting his ass-whipped (thanks to Austin's cowardice,) then get saved by The Rock?
Who is Luke A. Johnston? And why does he have a problem with lil' ol' me? Over here this guy asked Our Fearless Leader "How dare you post a column called My Two Centz." Justin Case (ha!) there was any confusion, my title is not ripped off from Darren Drozdov's "Droz's Two Cents" at wwf.com. I have nothing but respect for Droz, and I wrote the first edition of this column before I even knew that that was the title of his column. It is rather an homage to both Kent Brockman's "My Two Cents" editorials on "The Simpsons" and Vince "Motherfuckin' Sportz Entertainment" Russo, who's also responsible for my flagrant abuse of the letter "z." So, Luke, I have no idea who you are, and I care even less, but thanks for the publicity! I'm sure you doubled my hit count. Thanks!
Down (at the end of the buffet) town Dave Richard Watch: Nothing yet. Pussy. [I'm now Hulkin' Up! GRRR!!!] HE FEARS ME!!! YEAH!!! Richard, lemme tell ya somethin', brother; What'cha gonna do when the 18 gig hard drive runs wild on YOU???!!! [Cue "Real American." I now begin playing air guitar with my keyboard]
I felt sorry for Vince when I saw Stephanie turn on him, too. That look on his face was genuine sadness. The man should win a Lifetime Achievement Daytime Emmy Award (since wrestling is a soap opera for guys, that's the proper venue,) for his performances.
Cheesy Movie Trivia: Since the muse hasn't hit me this week, I'm not going to directly relate this week's edition to anything wrestling. Remember, you need the name of the actor, character, and movie. As usual, first correct email gets the prize. The quote is "Chaotic?! Wake up Tom! [taps microphone] You know, and I know, that chaos and bedlam are consuming the entire world. U.V. light waves are only the beginning. We have an inch of topsoil left. Sexually transmitted diseases, deforestation, irreversibly progressive depletion of the global gene pool. It all adds up to oblivion, pal. Governments will fall, anarchies will reign! It's a brave new world." Since this one is pretty hard, I'll play "Six Degrees of Wrestling" to give you a clue: The actor who spoke that line roomed with Al Gore at Harvard. Al Gore is married to Tipper Gore. Tipper Gore ran the PMRC, who wanted to tone down the sex and violence in music. The PMRC is similar to (and I'm sure there's some membership overlap) the PTC, who wants to tone down the sex and violence in wrestling. Ha! Didn't think I could do it, did ya?
Generic Quote of the Week: Booker T: "You really think you have a chance against me, Mr. Cowboy?" My Olympic Hero and Hometown Savior Kurt Angle: "Yippee-kay-yay, Mother Hubbard!" YES!!! I would've done Cheesy Movie Trivia with this one, but everybody and their brother has seen "Die Hard," so you all already know where this is from.
I Get Letterz: Really, I do. The Cheesy Movie Trivia Award from last week goes to Scott Backer, who hit the trifecta with Mr. T., playing Clubber Lang in Rocky III. So, as promised, I will now f'bomb Goldberg for Scott: Fuck you, Goldberg!!! Honorable mentions go to Ryan Pike, Chip Moser, and John David, who also got everything correct, but missed out because of timing.
Well, that's it for me. Sorry the column was so long, but it's been an interesting week. Thanks for sticking with me. I'm Chip Boots, and this has been My Two Centz.