KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
Hello Slash readers. Welcome to my first column, as I share my wisdom and wit with you my (soon to be) loyal readers. I would tell you a little about myself, but you don't care, and I don't want to tell you, so I'll just get on with it.
I recently experienced something most only dream about. I possess knowledge many don't want me to have. Yes, I recently sat through a WWF creative meeting, and have provided a transcript for you. However, I must use my alias of Bucs793, as providing my real name could be a fatal mistake. Here you are:
Vince McMahon: "People! People, quiet down now! We have business to take care of. Now, the first thing we need to talk about..."
(A secretary walks in the room)
Secretary: "Excuse me, sir, but there is a Judy Bagwell on the phone for you."
V.M. (turning on the speakerphone): "Ugh. Hello Judy, what is it."
J.B.: "You listen to me McMahon! My boy Marcus said you was gonna cut him. Let me tell you something, if he don't get a title shot on Raw, I'm gonna come down there and beat you myself! I'm a former tag champ you know!"
V.M.: "Okay, I'll see what I can do. I don't want to hurt his feelings." (He hangs up the phone) "Anyway, about the direction of the show, I think we need to create some new stars, and I know exactly what we need to do. You there" (he points across the table)
Dean Malenko: "Yes sir? Do you have a storyline for me finally?"
V.M.: "Oh hohohoho. Don't be silly Dean. I was pointing to the mop behind you! That mop is going to be Perry Saturn's new pal. I think it will go great with this new 'crazy' gimmick. It's really gonna stick."
D.M. (mumbling): "I'd like to make that mop stick somewhere too."
V.M.: "What was that Dean?"
D.M.: "I said it's a great idea sir! Let me now if there's anything I can do to help."
V.M.: "Great. Now I want to talk about the Light-Heavyweight title. We've been promising to push it for a while, but I just don't think we have the talent on the roster to do it."
Essa Rios, Crash, Spike Dudley, and Tajiri: "Achoo!"
V.M.: "Bless you. Now, who could we base this division around?"(All of a sudden Scott Taylor goes towards the door.) "Oh, Scotty, are you getting a drink? Could you get me some coffee please? We'll have to forget the LHWs for now. I'm stumped."
Undertaker: "You know Vince, I know just the person we should make into a star."
V.M.: "Alright, I knew I could count on Taker to think about the future of the company. Who is it?"
UT: "My wife Sara."
V.M.: "Oh...I see. Well...we'll talk later Mark. Right now, I want to talk about the absorb...I mean Invasion. Shane, how's it coming along?"
Shane McMahon: "Great Dad. I've got this great idea on how we can actually elevate Booker T. so he looks at least close to being Austin's equal. This Storm/Booker match will be huge."
V.M.: "You mean Booker/Buff."
S.M.: "You mean you're actually taking orders from Judy Bagwell??"
V.M.: "No...no, of course not. I had this planned all along. Hehe."
S.M.: "That matchup will make WCW look inferior, not equal."
V.M.: "And why do we want them to look equal again?"
S.M.: "So we can make money, Dad."
V.M.: "Oh, right. I guess. One more thing I wanted to talk about guys. The Hardcore title. I can't think of any memorable champions we've had. It may just be time to forget the whole division."
Rhyno: "I thought I was a pretty good..."
Paul Heyman: "Rhyno! Rhyno! Rhyno!"
V.M.: "Quiet you." (All of a sudden Steve Blackman and Raven walk in.) "Guys, we're trying to think of who would be a good Hardcore champ who doesn't have anything to do right now. Feel free to chip in." (Raven and Blackman both roll their eyes, then the Big Shows yawns.) "You're right Big Show! You would be a good champ. Brilliant!"