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  • I Get Props: Stinko F'n Malenko thanked me on Monday for the plug I gave him in last weeks column. Maybe I should be nice and give him another. Nah.

  • Enough with the sucking-up, it's #2 in my series of 8 (or more, depending if I get any more) Coliseum Home Video Reviews. Today it's The Best of the WWF, Volume 19. Still from 1989, and was released the same time as last week's.

  • The Blue Blazer says "don't smoke!". Then he says don't let your boss talk you into getting yourself lowered from the rafters on a cheap harness.

  • No Holds Barred trailer again.

  • The Ultimate Warrior again shills Slim Jims. And I STILL say eating that crap is worst then smoking (well at least the commercials are).

  • WWF: What the World is Watching! (Because we bought out everyone else! MECW is next!)

  • Your host is Sean "The Kevin Kelly before there was a Kevin Kelly" Mooney. The theme is simple: Sean Mooney takes us on a tour of WWF HQ. The tour gets off to a great start, as Lord Alfred Hayes blows him off, and the security guard won't let him in. To be fair, who would want to admit in public that they KNOW Sean Mooney?

  • Opening Match: Mr. Perfect vs. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake

    From MSG, with Lord Alfred Hayes & a guy who sounds like Marv Albert (but probably isn't). Curt Henning is not wearing his usual outfit, only blue trunks for him today. Beefcake already puts me in a bad mood by stalling forever. Hey, GET TO IT FUCKFACE. I mean FURFACE. Shit, I'm sounding like one of those stupid smarts. Anyway they lock-up, Beefcake shoves Perfect to the corner. Lock-up #2, repeat first spot. Shoves and HEATED words (well probably not) are exchanged, Perfect goes around behind Beefcake (try not to take that out of context) and ties his arms around the waist of Beefcake. Elbow to the head breaks it. Beefcake then slaps a side-headlock on. I can die a happy man if I never have to see a Beefcake match again, by the way. Perfect shoves Beefcake to the ropes, but Beefcake comes back with an elbow. To the ropes, drop toe hold on Beefcake. Perfect tries for the side headlock, but Beefcake maneuvers it into a hammerlock. Perfect is able to quickly get to the ropes.

    There is a small cut on Beefcake's nose, which Hayes notes. I only wish it was a gaping gushing wound, and that it would never heal. Test of strength (remember those?) results, which ends with Perfect turns it into an arm-bar, and then chops Beefcake, and sends him to the mat with a knee-lift. Perfect rules. Beefcake is put face first into the turnbuckle and then punches the crap out of Beefcake! CRIPPLE HIM (can you tell that I don't like The Barber?)! Whip to the ropes, Beefcake comes back and connects with a fist to the stomach. Perfect comes back with a rake on the back, and a kick to the gut. Perfect slaps on the Camel Clutch. CHOKE HIM OUT! Ah damn! He made it to the ropes. Beefcake then uses the ropes to raise himself up (with Perfect still holding on), and then drops Perfect who falls face first on the turnbuckle. Perfect oversells, not a complaint mind you. Slugfest is won by Perfect, who starts pounding Beefcake in the back and stomach. Another slugfest in the corner, is won by Beefcake, the last punch sending Perfect flying to the floor. A wee over sold, eh Henning?

    Perfect gets right back in, as Beefcake runs through his usual (knee lift, punch, elbow, back drop). Before Beefcake can go for the sleeper, "Outlaw" Ron Bass shows up and Beefcake runs out to attack Bass. Perfect takes advantage and ax handles Bass from the apron to the floor. He quickly rolls back in, and Beefcake is counted out at 8:33. Crowd is not enthralled. _*, all for Henning. 0 for 1

  • Sean Mooney is in the video tape archives with John Arnold (the man who runs the archives, duh). Arnold is annoyed with Mooney (hey, who isn't?). Mooney wants the Tag-Team Title match between Demolition & the Powers of Pain, which gives everyone another excuse to hate Mooney. Sean goes off to fetch the tape, and Arnold traps him between two shelves of tapes. I hope he starves to death.

  • WWF Tag-Team Titles: Demolition vs. The Powers of Pain [w/ Mr. Fuji (w/ Cane)]

    The announcers for this match are Lord Alfred Hayes and Tony Shillvonie. As if this match wasn't bad enough on it's own. Demolition attacks before the bell, and after the referee settles everyone down it's Smash & Warlord to start. Warlord gets pummeled, and Smash tags in Ax. Double clothesline on Warlord, followed by a lame looking snap-mare. Ax grabs Warlord's head, and starts yelling at Mr. Fuji. Ax tags back in Smash, who does the whip man to corner, charge and miss spot. Tag to Barbarian. Barbarian attempts to kick Smash, but he grabs the leg, and shoves him back. Smash then SMASHES Barbarian in the back, says Fat Tony, in a lame attempt at humor. Fuck you Tony, I hope you starve in the tape archives with Mooney. Well he did get a good shot in at Steve Regal on the last NITRO, so we can let him live. Tag to Ax, since he would like to pound the bag of Barbarian. Which he does with Smash, to a pop from the crowd. Well can't say Demolition wasn't over.

    Ax clotheslines Barbarian, and then the camera turns to the crowds. When we come back Ax is suddenly the face-in-peril. Sloppy editing. Warlord distracts the ref, allowing Mr. Fuji to choke out Ax with his cane. Barbarian rolls out Ax, so Fuji can hit Ax in the stomach with the cane. How thoughtful. Smash tries to make the save, but he's stopped by the ref, so Powers of Pain can beat up on Ax some more. Lord Alfred & Tony shill Wrestlemania V, and I wait for Tony to call it the greatest event in the history of our sport, but it never happens. Warlord gets the NERVE hold on Ax. Ax escapes somehow, but I'll be damned if I know, since we get a shot of the crowd instead. Who the fuck edited this? Ax makes the hot tag to Smash who body slams and clotheslines the Powers of Pain. Stun gun on Warlord gets a two count before Barbarian can stop it. Smash is double teamed, and the Powers of Pain hit a variation of the Doomsday Device for two. A total brawl breaks out. Ax steals Mr. Fuji's cane and beats up the Powers of Pain. But Mr. Fuji gets the CEREMONIAL SALT OF INSTANT DEATH OR MILD DISCOMFORT on Ax, so the Referee disqualifies the Powers of Pain at 8:17. Match was an easy DUD, bordering on negative stars. Demolition gets a beat down after words to set up the match at Wrestlemania V. 0 for 2

  • Sean Mooney is outside the office of Jesse "The Body" Ventura (damn, he escaped). Mooney wants to interview Ventura, but his "managerial assistant" (well I'm just being politically correct to hopefully make up for wishing for a man's death earlier) stops him, and delivers a note from Ventura: GET LOST. Another bad omen for Mooney.

  • Fan Requested Match: Jesse "The Body" Ventura vs. Tony Garea

    From MSG, with Gorilla Monsoon & Lord Alfred Hayes on commentary. The "Fan" who requested this is an idiot. Hell I like Jesse Ventura as much as the next guy, but I like him as a heel commentator. It takes Ventura 1:29 to remove his ring attire, and it takes him another 12 seconds to lock-up with Tony. Ventura punches him in the back, and he argues with the ref, claiming he did not use a closed fist. 2nd lock up is a full minute after the first one, just to give you an idea about how slow this match is. Same results as the first. 3rd lock up has the same result as the first two. We do it a 4th time, but this time Tony is the one with the closed fist. This shit would not fly today, thank goodness for that. Lock-up, Arm-bar on Jesse, who gets an elbow to the left arm as well. Arm drag to the mat. Wristlock is applied by Tony, who stops to drop an elbow on the left arm and head, before applying it again. Ventura is able to break the wristlock with the dreaded eye poke, and then follows up with the even more feared eye rake with the top rope. Garea comes back with a kick to the gut, and drops Ventura's arm on the top rope. He then does a leg drop on the arm. Shoving in the ropes results, which ends with Tony's head stuck between the ropes. The Referee doesn't seemed concerned (which angers Gorilla & Alfred), as he waits for Jesse to apply more pressure before freeing Tony by flipping him back in the ring. Ventura punches Tony in the throat (with the LEFT arm BTW), and puts Tony's throat on the ring ropes, and applies pressure. Cover gets two, then Tony comes back with one punch, and Jesse calls for time. Tony kicks Jesse, and then rams his head into the turnbuckle, and then steps on his head. Tony attempts the Abdominal stretch, but Jesse shoves him out of the ring. Tony goes for the sunset flip and a cross body, which both get two. Headlock on Ventura, and Tony punches the head. He goes for a whip, but Ventura reverses. Jesse goes for the scoop slam, Tony escapes and goes for a shove (wow). Ventura ducks, sending Tony to the turnbuckle. Ventura then drops an elbow for the anticlimactic pin at 10:31. Match was _*, if that. 0 for 3

  • Now Sean Mooney is bugging Kevin Dunn. Dunn yells at Mooney, since he's been working for 12 hours, and still has 15 hours to go. And he hasn't eaten anything. Damn, Vince McMahon IS cheap. Mooney then deletes a show, which considering the time period was probably a blessing in disguise.

  • Harlem Street Fight/WWF Heavyweight Title: Macho Man Randy Savage (w/Elizabeth) vs. Bad News Brown (w/ New York Mets shirt, because the Mets ruled back then)

    Lord Alfred Hayes & Fat Tony on commentary. Bad News attacks Savage before he can enter the ring, and Savage falls out of the ring. He grabs Bad News legs, and drags him out. Slugfest ends with a head butt on Bad News. Brown grabs a chair and hits Savage with it. He then chokes out Savage with it. He then casually tosses Savage out of the ring. The referee starts arguing with him. WHY? It's a STREET FIGHT. Bad News follows Savage, and rams Savage's head into the timekeeper's table. He then goes after Elizabeth, but the referee makes the save. Bad news punches Savage in the stomach, and sets him up by one of the STEEL ring post. Punch misses of course. Savage repays the favor at the timekeeper's table, and rolls Bad News Brown back in the ring.

    Savage connects with the top rope ax handle. Savage then takes off his work-out belt and whacks Bad News Brown in the mid-section twice. Then he chokes out Bad News with the belt. Savage takes a chair for himself, and goes to the top rope. Bad News sees this, and connects with a fist to the stomach on Savage's way down. Brown takes the chair, and hits Savage in the mid-section. Savage bails, and Bad News follows. Bad News whips Savage to the barrier, who goes over the barrier. The fans help Savage back in. While Savage gets back to the ring, Bad News has set a table up in the middle of ring. Bad News tries to whip Savage into the table, but Savage reverses. Bad News has the presence of mind to put the ref in front of him, so the ref deflects the blow of the table (which does break, by the way). Ghetto Blaster, but Bad News doesn't get the pin. Bad News kicks the referee to wake up. Body slam, but the ref is till out. So Bad News slaps the ref. Body slam #2 is reversed by Savage into a backslide which gets the pin at 6:47. Decent pre-hardcore hardcore match, **1/2. Bad News gets pissed and beats up Savage and the referee. Another ref comes in, and Bad News simply puts him upside down in the corner and beats him up. Another referee shows up and gets beat up as well. Mid-carders run in to try and break it up, but Savage is able to tear of Brown's Met shirt and choke out Bad News with out. Finally there are broken up. 1 for 4

  • Now we are in Master Control. Everyone ignores Mooney until he tries to turn on a tape of the next match. He's a complete retard, so someone has to help him.

  • Jake "The Snake" Roberts & "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Andre the Giant & Ravishing Rick Rude (w/ Bobby "The Brain" Heenen)

    This is billed as a never before seen match. I wish it had stayed that way. Before I begin the PAINFUL process of doing the blow-by-blow (why do I bother? Since I'm an IDIOT), let me just state that the heel team are dead, Jim Duggan nearly joined them, and Jake Roberts will soon join them.

    Andre chokes (sigh...) Duggan to start, and rams Jim to his corner. Tag to Rude. Duggan frees himself, and tags in Jake Roberts, and the crowd goes insane, as Roberts kicks Rude's ass. This must be during their feud then. Andre gets tied up in the ropes, and in the one good spot of the match, the faces use Rude's body as a battering ram on Andre. Heenen is able to free Andre, who head butts Roberts. Rude slaps a chin lock on Roberts, as the fans start chanting something. I can't make it out. Tag to Andre who chokes out Savage with the STRAP. Fuck, I just saw him pull the same shit with Savage. Tag to Rude who puts the chin lock back on Roberts. Man Rude phoned it in too often. I want to commit ritualistic suicide, but the crowd is actually into this. Or it may be dubbed in heat. Roberts is he makes the come back! See that's the upside of taking crack. Cover on Roberts gets two. Rude goes for a top rope move but slips (was that intentional?). Andre cheap shots Roberts, and then gets tagged in by Rude who is able to stop Roberts from making the tag to Duggan. Roberts is put in the opposite corner, and he uses his fat body to crush Roberts. Jake is able to escape and make the tag to Duggan, who pummels Andre for a bit, before he comes back with a knee lift. Tag to Rude who chokes Duggan out on the rope (sigh). Slugfest, eye rake for two by Rude. Duggan comes back and then a very weak double KO results. Rude crawls to the wrong corner, letting Duggan make the tag to Roberts. Short clothesline. DDT is stopped by Andre. Andre head butts Duggan. Rude Awakening, but Duggan grabs his 2 by 4, and whacks Rude in the stomach (while the ref is busy with Andre), and Roberts gets the pin. There was no bell to start the match, so let's call it 9:52 of non-action. DUD. Can't give a point for the battering ram either. 1 for 5

  • Sean Mooney is now in the audio control room with Larry Rosen, the audio technician. Rosen is actually nice to Mooney, who repays his kindness by doing the old headphones gag. By accident of course, since Mooney doesn't have the balls to do that on purpose.

  • "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase is in Greenwich, Connecticut with his trusty servant Virgil. He goes to Betteridge Jewelers (established: 1987) to commission the making of a Million Dollar Belt. The staff kisses his ass of course.

  • DiBiase returns to see the construction of his belt. He is not happy and demands many changes, because "everyone has a price for the million dollar man".

  • DiBiase comes back again, this time to pick up his belt. Dig the swank cape he's wearing. DiBiase is happy with what he says, and lets out his perfect evil laugh. We don't see the belt.

  • The Brother Love Show with Ted DiBiase. Brother Love gives a fawning intro to Ted DiBiase of course. DiBiase explains that the WWF championship was not worthy of the million dollar man (sure, say that enough Ted, and you MIGHT believe it one day). But now he has a belt that's worthy! He unveils the Million Dollar Man. Brother Love is in awe, as is the announce team of Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura. A point for all of these, because this was cheesy. In a GOOD way. 2 of 6

  • "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase (w/Virgil) vs. Bret "The Hitman" Hart

    From somewhere in Texas. Now this should be good. Good prop for Bret. Ted DiBiase demands to be addressed as the Million Dollar Champion by Mike McGuirk (is that how it's spelled? Not that I really care). Bret is less then impressed, and attacks DiBiase from behind. Whip to the ropes, and a punch to the gut is followed up by a leg sweep for two. Bret argues with the ref. Ted takes a swing at Bret and misses. Bret atomic drops DiBiase. Cross body gets two for Bret. Ted bails, and the crowd is not happy. Ted jaws with the ringside fans, before he returns to the ring. DiBiase chops Bret and goes for a body slam. Bret escapes, and uses the momentum of the ropes to cradle DiBiase for two. DiBiase bails and says "Shit!". There goes Vince corrupting children again. Bret distracts Referee Tim White to keep him from counting out DiBiase, who is arguing with the fans at ringside. Bret then goes out, and tosses DiBiase back in the ring. Head butt on DiBiase ends up with him tied in the ropes. He is able to get out just before Bret goes for a knee lift. Bret falls to the floor, knee first. DiBiase tries to distract the ref, so Virgil can attack Bret, but the referee doesn't fall for it.

    Bret rolls back into the ring, and gets stomped and choked. DiBiase yells at Bret to get up. Bret does, and DiBiase rams his head into the turnbuckle twice. Irish Whip into the ropes, Bret comes back and gets a clothesline for his trouble. That gets two. DiBiase stomps Hart in the face, and then executes and 2nd rope ax handle. Crowd is not happy with DiBiase. Elbow drop to the head of Bret. Vertical suplex gets two. Ted is not happy with the count. DiBiase goes for a second suplex, but Bret reverses it into one of his own. Slugfest on their knees ends with DiBiase raking the eyes of Bret. Belly to back suplex by Ted gets two. DiBiase whips Bret into the corner, and Bret does the flop to the mat. Another whip to a corner, followed by a back breaker for two. DiBiase still not happy with the count.

    DiBiase whips Bret again, but Bret gets an inside cradle for two. Another one gets a two count as well. DiBiase comes back by dumping Bret out of the ring. DiBiase follows, and rams Bret's head into the ring apron. Both back in the ring, and Ted drops a fist on Bret's head for two. Chin lock on Bret, as Tony shills Wrestlemania V. Some things never change. Bret tries to break out, so Virgil distracts the ref so DiBiase can choke him. Finally Ted gets sick of it and covers Bret for two. DiBiase kicks the back of Bret, and whips him to the ropes. Bret ducks the clothesline, then they both hit one for the double KO spot.

    DiBiase gets up first. Ted climbs to the top rope, but Bret gets up (goldbricking again!) and tosses Ted to the middle of the ring. Slugfest won by Bret. DiBiase begs off. Bret hammers him in the corner, and whips into the ropes and hits the shoulder block. Bret hits the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM. Bret misses with the knee charge, and Ted works on the right leg of Bret. Bret is able to kick Ted to the floor. Bret then slings himself from the mat to the floor! TOPE! Slugfest on the mat, and it's a double count-out at 16:00 for the Sports Entertainment finish. Bret chases Virgil, and then knocks Ted out of the ring. Even with the lame finish, an easy ****. 3 of 7

  • Sean Mooney is locked in a closet. Insert gay joke here.

  • Math Time: 1:00:06

  • Final Thoughts: Only 2 matches worth watching here, but worth the rental, esp. for DiBiase/Hart.

  • Next time it's off to Europe for World Tour 1992.


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