From England in the Royal Albert Hall. Calling this match is the greatest announce team of them all, Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenen. Mountie's theme music doesn't play. But since it's just the French horns, I say fuck it. It takes 48 seconds (trust me, I counted) for the first tie-up, which is NOT a good sign. Mountie breaks. It takes about another minute before they lock-up again. Kerry punches Mountie with one right hand, and Mountie bails. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT. After about another minute, Mountie finally gets back in the ring. Kerry goes right to work, with an ARMBAR on Mountie's left arm. Ooh. Mountie grabs the hair, and whips Kerry to the ropes. He leapfrogs over him twice, and despite this great display of athleticism, Kerry responds by punching Mountie. And guess what Mountie did? HE LEFT THE RING. If you guessed right, give yourself a cookie. Crowd chants "Jailbird" at Mountie. See Summerslam 1991 if you don't know what that means.
Anyway eight years later, okay about a minute later Mountie gets back in, and Kerry hammers Mountie in the corner. Irish whip is reversed by The Mountie and he gets a sleeper on? Is this the end of Kerry Von Erich? Well we're close to his end, but not quite. Kerry powers out after two minutes, so Mountie just applies it again. Yawn. Kerry powers out again, so the Mountie decides to shove Kerry into the corner. Kerry ducks, and Mountie's head hits the top turnbuckle. This gives Kerry time to put a sleeper of HIS own on Mountie. If I haven't made it clear to you how much this match sucks, let me tell you now: This match sucks.
Kerry breaks the sleeper and he whips Mountie to the corner. They then do the charge and miss spot. Crowd is pretty much dead by this point. Mountie punches Kerry a few times, the last one sending Kerry to the mat. Kerry climbs up, so Mountie knocks him back down. Slugfest outside is won by Kerry, who slams Mountie's head into the STEEL steps (the loosest definition of "Slam" in this case). Kerry goes for the discuss punch, but Mountie ducks and Kerry hits the STEEL post. Mountie then knocks Kerry's head into the post. Mountie rolls Kerry back in the ring, and he VERY slowly hammers away at Kerry. How the fuck are they both blown up? Half the match was stalling and the other half sleeper holds. Mountie goes for the...SLEEPER (ARGH)...but he misses, and Kerry clotheslines him. Mountie crawls to the corner. Kerry goes for the turnbuckle 10-punch, but Mountie shoves him, and rolls him up for the pin (with the foots on the rope) at 13:16. Kerry tries to restart the match, they fight for a while, and Mountie leaves. Match was HORRIBLE. -*. Not a good start. 0 for 1
Mega pop for Bulldog, this being England and all. Tie-up, side headlock on I.R.S.. He breaks, but Bulldog shoulder blocks him. They then go ahead a repeat the same spot. Another side headlock, but this time I.R.S. gets the arm drag and clothesline for two. I.R.S. bails, so Bulldog follows and knocks Hart & Irwin's head together. They head back to the ring. I.R.S. whips Bulldog to the rope, leapfrog, leapfrog, I.R.S. bails. I.R.S. heads back in, and Bulldog slaps on a wristlock. I.R.S. tries to escape, so Bulldog grabs his leg. After hoping around for twenty seconds I.R.S. hits an enzuguri. Now that just look bad. If you can't hit it within a few seconds, just shove the fucker or something. Bulldog is tossed out of the ring. I.R.S. follows and kicks Bulldog in the stomach and drops the elbow. Bulldog rolls back in the ring, I.R.S. follows and slaps on a Abdominal Stretch. I.R.S. uses the ropes of course. Bulldog fights out. I.R..S argues with the ref, letting Bulldog roll him up for two. Clothesline on Bulldog. Bulldog gets the leg drop on I.R.S.. for two. Chin lock on Bulldog, with I.R.S. using the ropes. Bulldog powers out, but I.R.S. comes back with a knee lift, and throws Bulldog out of the ring.
We stop this recap for a special announcement from Bobby "The Brain" Heenen:
Shawn Michaels has left the building.
We now return to our regularly scheduled:
Bulldog gets back on the apron, Sunset flip. I.R.S. stomps on Bulldog, and leg drops little Bulldog for two. So I.R.S. tosses out Bulldog again. I.R.S. goes for a suplex on the apron, but Bulldog reverses for one of his one. That gets two. Bulldog hammers I.R.S.'s head into the turnbuckle,. Head butts on I.R.S. Cover gets two. I.R.S. gets whipped into the corner, and hits the mat. Bulldog steps on Irwin's tie, and hammers him in the corner. Bulldog goes for the whip, but gets reversed in the corner. Jimmy Hart distracts the ref, so Irwin can go for the BRIEFCASE. Bulldog stops him, and nails the Power slam for the pin at 12:49, which is about 13 minutes too long. 0 for 4.
0 for 6. Sorry. We are now in Spain, and it's Lord Alfred Hayes (ugh) and Sean Mooney (double ugh). We are now deep in WWF announcing hell. All we need is Todd Pettingill doing the pre-match interviews and we are really fucked. Pose off to start (oh great), which is won by Bulldog. A lock-up is won by Earthquake. 2nd one is won by Bulldog. Slugfest, and dropkick on Earthquake, who leaves the ring. Earthquake returns, and Bulldog goes for a double ax handle from the 2nd rope and gets caught in the BEARHUG. Bulldog escapes and goes for a body slam, but he's too fat so he falls, and Earthquake covers for two. Then...AW FUCK IT. All you miss are a bunch of FUCKING BEARHUGS. Finally Earthquake goes for the earthquake (after attacking Andre), but Andre whacks Earthquake with his crutch, and Bulldog does slam him for the win at 8:13, and boy does this tape suck right now. -*. 0 for 6
As if the tape couldn't get any worst, we get this stinker from Spain. Big pop for Piper. First grapple accomplishes nothing. Shoving match won by Piper. Side headlock by Piper. Barbarian breaks, and no-sells two shoulder blocks. Alas we've just started. Test of strength is won by Barbarian. Barbarian charges after Piper. Piper ducks, and Barbarian hits the floor. Back in for a slugfest, which is won by Piper. Piper hammers Barbarian in the corner, who then knocks Piper across the ring with one punch. Backbreaker and then a BEARHUG on Piper. YEARGH!!!!!!! Piper breaks with the ear clap, and goes for a 2nd rope move which in the ends up getting Piper into another BEARHUG. Piper rakes the eyes, and then small packages Barbarian for two. Power slam on Piper, who reverses that for a cradle which gets two. Clothesline on Piper, and Piper falls out of the ring. Crowd is dead. Piper gets back on the apron, and goes for a sunset flip. Barbarian just sits on Piper and goes for the pin. The referee spots him holding the ropes. He kicks the arm, and Piper is able to roll him over the pin at 8:52. Crowd pops since it's OVER. DUD, 0 for 8.
Now we are in Germany and joined in progress with Mountie eliminated Tito Santana. Here are the participants: Bret Hart, The British Bulldog, The Mountie, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Repo Man, Col. Mustafa, Sgt. Slaughter, Hawk & Saggs. As I type that, Mountie eliminates Bret Hart. Hawks goes for the double clothesline on Saggs & Repo Man, but they duck, and Hawk ends up eliminating himself. Bulldog dumps Mustafa. Mountie & Saggs double team Duggan while Bulldog & Slaughter double team Repo Man. Nothing of note going on. Repo Man sunset flips Bulldog which is stupid since pin falls don't count. Retard. Duggan actually gets the Germans to chant "USA". He then goes to eliminate Saggs, but Mountie sneaks in and dumps him. Crowd doesn't like that. The heels triple team Slaughter, but Bulldog makes the save. WHY? It's Battle Royal. EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF. Slaughter eliminates Repo Man.
Final Four: Bulldog, Slaughter, Saggs & The Mountie. Slaughter gets eliminated by the heels. Heels double team Bulldog. Jimmy Hart tosses Mountie the cattle prod, but he accidently shocks Saggs. So Bulldog dumps them both for the win after 9:54. Horrible Battle Royal, -*. Bulldog and Slaughter celebrate after words. 0 for 9.
Oh please don't suck. We are back in Royal Albert Hall, with Monsoon & Heenen back on commentary. Big pop for Bret. Tie-up, and they break. Tie-up, Martel gets a pair of knees in the gut. Whip, reversed, Rick Martel does _ of a spinaroone to escape Bret. Tie-up. Rick breaks, and slaps Bret. Another tie-up. They get to the corner, and the referee breaks, letting Martel cheap shot Bret. Martel then punches Bret in the heads a few times. Whip, boot to the chest of Hart. Martel shoves Bret to the ropes for the roll up, but Bret grabs the ropes. Martel doesn't fall on his back, so he celebrates his non-victory. Bret Hart responds with a clothesline. Another one, and Martel BAILS. Sigh. Martel comes back, and they lock-up. Front face lock on Bret. Bret reverses it into a wristlock, but Rick clotheslines him. Another face lock. Bret escapes again with the wristlock, but this time he clotheslines Martel. Bret teases the sharpshooter, but instead stomps Martel in the gut. Bret Hammers Martel in the corner, whip is revered.
Martel does the charge and miss spot, and hits his knees in the turnbuckle. Bret Hart attacks the leg of course, twisting it and leg dropping the bad leg. Hip toss, and back to the leg. Monsoon is busy mocking Heenen for Flair's lost at Wrestlemania. Martel breaks the leg twisting, by kicking Bret into the turnbuckle. Martel hammers Bret in the corner, but Bret simply punches Martel in the leg. Martel pulls the hair, and chokes Bret. Bret comes back, and wraps Martel's leg around the ring post. Martel grabs Bret's hair, and rams his head into the STEEL post. Martel ax handles Bret from the apron. Elbow drop to the back. Back in the ring; Irish whip, Martel lowers his head, and Bret boots him on the stomach. Double KO spot. Martel gets up first, but Bret was goldbricking. FIVE MOVES OF DOOM. Monsoon chides Bret for his nonchalant covers. Martel comes back before Bret can go for the Sharpshooter, and leverages Bret to the floor. Bret on the apron. Martel goes for the suplex, but Bret escapes and tries to roll up Martel. Rick goes for another suplex, but Bret reverses it into a small package for the pin at 13:02. Ending was hot, rest was a waste, *1/2. Can't give a point since most of it was boring. 0 for 10.
Back in Germany with the tag-team of suck Mooney & Hayes calling the action. Can HBK save this tape? Savage limps his way to the ring, and is favoring his right leg. Shawn goes right after the right leg, but Savage limps out of the way. Tie-up to the corner, ref breaks. Shawn goes after the leg again (my hero). Lock-up, headlock reversed by Shawn. Savage reverses to a hammerlock. Shawn breaks and gets a shoulder breaker for two. Shawn goes after the leg again, and Savage escapes the ring. See I don't mind Savage escaping here. Savage gets pissed, and tosses a chair into the ring. Sherri cheap shots Savage in the bad leg, and Shawn comes out and shoves Savage. Slugfest is won by Shawn. Shawn goes after the leg again, and Savage rakes the eyes to save himself. Another fight on the floor, with Shawn winning again. Savage reverses a whip, sending Shawn crashing into the steps. Savage puts Michaels back in the ring. Ax Handle connects, but Savage hurts his leg in the process. Cover for two. Short clothesline on Shawn for two. Savage goes for a body slam but Shawn cradles Savage for two. Savage stomps HBK, and covers for two.
Michaels decides that he's had enough, and he and Sherri head back to the locker room. Savage follows, and shoves Sherri, and starts punching Shawn. Savage sends Shawn back to the ring. Sherri grabs the leg of Savage from the apron. Savage grabs Sherri. Shawn sees this and charges after Savage, but he gets out of the way so Michaels hits Sherri. Roll up on Shawn gets two. Shawn comes back with an atomic drop on the right leg of Savage. Shawn charges after Randy and gets the knee in the gut. Shawn clips Savage in the right knee, sending Savage to the mat. The referee argues with Michaels, allowing Sherri to ram the leg of Savage into the ring post. Michaels places the knee on the lowest rope and stomps on it. Crowd boos Michaels. Michaels distracts the referee again, so Sherri can again attack the bad leg of Savage. Michaels kicks Savage's leg out from under him. Figure four on Savage. Shawn grabs Sherri's arms to give Shawn leverage. Shawn also slaps Savage in the face as well. Savage is able to escape to the ropes, and Shawn has to break the hold.
Shawn goes right back to stomping on the bad knee. Shawn goes for a second figure four, but Savage reverses it into a cradle for two. Shawn gets pissed off and stomps on the knee, and applies a 2nd figure four. My hero. Savage reverses, and Shawn grabs the ropes. Scoop Slam on Savage. Michaels does the throat slash, and goes for another figure four. Savage kicks Michaels into the turnbuckle. Short clothesline on Michaels. Savage hobbles his way up to the top rope, and nails the big elbow for the pin at 14:25. All hail Michaels and his many legion, ****. Sherri and Michaels beat up Savage's leg with a chair and the title belt after the match. 1 for 11