WRESTLING BITS AND BYTES
Well, I submitted my first official TV recap this week to CRZ - for WWF Excess. I think the format works. For people who expect wrestling when they watch a wrestling show - you're probably gonna hate this show more than RAW. But I felt it provided an interesting look at HHH, even though he really didn't say much we didn't already know. Check it out - I think you'll be surprised. And if not, make sure to read my recaps so I can tell you all about it. :-)
I Too Get Letters
Alert reader Greg Pizzo sent the following: Once again - a nice synopsis on Monday night's festivities. But I must admit once it got to the DDP/Sara match I shut it off. Sounds like the milk truck finish was pretty cool. Damn. And thanks for using me in the I Get Letter too column!
See, I think he's on to something. I Get Letter Too.... See, from what I can tell, I have a loyal fanbase of ONE reader, who's name happens to be Greg Pizzo. If these trends continue I may have to completely rename that section - but I don't want to have to DO that because it would throw me off and the Bits And Bites wouldn't be the same.
Who am I kidding? Do you have ANY idea how easy it is to run out of cutesy subtitles for every freakin' segment. This week, experimentation! (Which of course is key in every healthy college student's life) No cutesy subtitles. Unfortunately that means I'll have to DESCRIBE with a little more detail what's going on so you're not completely clueless as to what I'm going on about, but I'll make the sacrifice for you - Greg Pizzo.
Last Thursday William Regal booked a World Title match which pretty much eliminated any hope of Jericho going over. See, that's why non-title is cool - you know the little guy actually might win! Don't believe me? The Godfather scored a win over WWF Champion HHH about a year and a half ago. Of course, we all know what happened to HIM so maybe non-title wins aren't actually such a good idea?
Tonight is a night where championships will be decided (as opposed to any other RAW). The Rock takes on Rhyno for the WCW Title. Well, Rhyno DID wrestle for the WWF at one point, so he shouldn't be squashed as hard as Lance Storm was.
Shane McMahon struts, or dances, or something to the ring, which reminds me of a conversation my best friend and I were having last night. The 2 of us were saying 20 minute interview segments aren't a bad thing - unless they're being conducted by anyone who's not a full time wrestler. At this point, Vince can certainly draw heat, etc. but why not give the segment to the guys who are actually wrestling? It could be The Rock for all I care, no matter how many times I've seen him give 20 minute interviews. Fact is, he's the one putting the butts in the seats. If Shane doesn't have a PPV match this month, go away. Do a 2 minute heel manager interview with Okerlund or something. (Okerlund doesn't work for the WWF) Well, WHOEVER'S in the back.
Shane promises a new WCW champion named Rhyno. But if he'd gotten the shot first, he'd have beaten The Rock. Oh christ, look I don't mind The Rock vs. Shane McMahon a couple times, but we all know Shane will NEVER be put over The Rock for a major title and I swear we've seen this match on at least 8 or 9 occassions. Hell, people complain about Rock vs. Austin being stale but last time I checked they hadn't locked up as often as these two.
The Rock knows his history. Frank Gotch, Lou Thesz, Ricky Steamboat, Ric Flair! YES! For god's sakes get Flair out there NOW and show him how to strut! However, lately the title's become a joke. DDP, Booker T, David Arquette. I'm sure he meant to say Vince Russo but it must have slipped his mind. The Rock offers Shane a title shot. Shit! I have bad feelings about this. Well, Shane bails. Is this an official match? I don't see a ref yet. Rhyno comes in and Gores The Rock and you can scrape him off the mat, he's roadkill! (No, not the Amish fellow, I mean like a racoon or a skunk.) Okay, whew! We made it through the segment without Shane cheating to win the title.
Meanwhile Austin's arm is hurt? Is this legit? If it was news, I must have missed it. I haven't read a whole lot of news over the past 3 or 4 days. RVD and Raven are selfish for wanting to fight when their leader is in great pain. Austin offers to take on Jericho and Angle in a handicap match before backing off and letting RVD and Raven do it. Hah! I love these mind games he's playing.
Up next Undertaker vs. Albert.
He's had a decade of destruction - at least one more year won't hurt. ;-) I guess X-Factor is officially back together? X-Pac is dressed like he could be in 3 Count. Albert happily jobs to his mentor. I'm willing to bet HE'S not complaining about the fact Taker didn't sell anything.
Do you believe in Superheroes? (No) Shane Helms talked to Michael Cole about superheroes. No, I did not run out and buy a Green Lantern comic since last week - so I still don't get ANY of the references at all. If it's not Superman, or Batman, I've never heard of them.
Shane Helms comes out to the ring for his European Title match dressed up as a superhero. Okay, it's cute. As long as he STOPS talking about superheroes I can live with this. Give him catchphrases, have him believe he's a superhero, just don't talk about OTHER superheroes. I think I made my stance clear. You know, they've been building this match for over a month - it's only natural it would be given away on FREE television. Matt Hardy stands there with a GREAT facial response to Helms. Man I never thought I'd say this - but in the same ring as Shane Helms - Matt Hardy looks like an aged veteran. Honest to god, Matt Hardy has Helms looking like a little kid. And Hardy's all of, what, 26, 27 years old? I wonder how much NOT using the Vertabreaker is going to hurt Helms. Like the Shooting Star Press did for Kidman, I honestly believe the Vertabreaker helped make Helms a star in WCW. Well, he's got the European Title, and did it through cheating which was about the only realistic way they were gonna put the belt on him in the first place. Let's see what he does with it now.
Angle is looking for Raven, and promply finds him. He either breaks, sprains, or bruises Raven's ankle, depending on whom you ask. The Truth Hurts. I hope that's a new catchphrase, cause it works!
Let's go back to moments ago where Angle broke, sprained, or bruised Raven't ankle.
Lita grunts. Raven grunts. You know, if that trainer wasn't talking so much, those "newsboards" could take these clips and pass them off as "LITA AND RAVEN A COUPLE - CLICK HERE FOR AUDIO". Of course, we'd have to forget that Raven may or may not be gay, but that's irrelevant. Austin decides Raven is useless to the Alliance, so he drags him out back and puts a slug in his head. (Okay, he punched him in the ankle.) He does this right in front of Lita and Matt Hardy, so it's probably a swerve.
Edge drinks soda. Hugh Morrus brings up "pop". For god's sakes don't revisit THAT again! (He was talking about drinks) Oh. Edge says Hugh Morrus smells bad. Christian defends his brother. The teased breakup continues! 3 months and counting. I'll take the 15th of October in the breakup pool! Why? Cause I'll be there and I'd like to see it myself.
Months ago, Test got the shit kicked out of him. So he jumped to the Alliance in retaliation. Tonight, Test will take on Bradshaw. Okay so who's push comes to a halt tonight? Test, or Bradshaw?
Heyman asks what it is about the green ones? Ouch, is that a comment about lack of ring experience, even with 3 years under his belt? Oh, forget it, green with envy, Heyman explained himself. Test beats Bradshaw the same way he beat Jericho last week - by having Bradshaw run after Shane McMahon and kicking him in the teeth. Those silly babyfaces, when will they learn?
Austin is appalled at the shocking behavior of Angle. RVD is proud of Austin's beating of Raven. RVD sits around bragging - I wish he'd stop. So does Austin. Austin says HE was hardcore before hardcore was invented. So RVD goes away while Austin makes his decision.
Kurt Angle goes to get milk, but they're out of milk. Well Kurt, maybe if you hadn't wasted it all spraying down the Alliance last week, there'd still be some milk left over. Stasiak gets a wonderful idea on how to impress Austin. Remember when Jericho urinated in Regal's tea? Well, does that mean Stasiak's gonna... naaahhh.
It's time for Rhyno and the Rock to do battle! Rhyno pulls out a Gore about 5 seconds in which gets 2. Darn. You know, Bossman jobbed to Rocky in 4 seconds, I think it's time to return that favor. You know, had Rhyno gone for a Gore when the Rock wound up hitting a Samoan Drop, we'd have a new WCW champion. The Rock wins via Rock Bottom, and this match rocked my world about 14 different ways. I'm just wondering why Nick Patrick counted fairly? Did he get a paycut or something?
Shawn Stasiak is still plotting with his (ex-?)girlfriend. Gee, I bet the milk falls on ANYONE BUT ANGLE! My money's on Austin. Well, it's Debra, close enough. I *really* need to win a bet one of these days you know that? How can she stand there just coughing? I'd have vomited. I actually felt sick watching her covered in that crap.
We come back and PerfecShawn has left the building with Stacy. Austin lets Debra know she looks ridiculous. Christ, why didn't they turn this guy heel YEARS ago? JR saw the whole thing - I hope he tells Austin it was Stasiak.
Edge takes on the Laughing Man! Where's Jimmy Hart? Where's Major Gunns? Where's Sgt. Stash? Christian's wearing some really cool fuzzy sunglasses. I bet he didn't buy those in Canada. JR asks why Christian volunteered Edge for this match which suddenly makes me wonder WHO BOOKED THIS MATCH? What would the WWF do if the wrestlers one week were all getting along and no one asked for matches? The ref catches Christian interfering and Hugh Morrus gets the DQ win. Interesting booking to say the least. Feel the brotherly tension!
Michael Cole interviews Booker T. Let's go back to last week where JR busted a gut at a midget. Meanwhile The Big Show is wearing a wig and talks like Booker T. Big Show makes fun of Booker T. PUT THE WORLD TITLE ON THAT MAN!
Chris Jericho is taping his fists, and makes Grade 4 faces with Stephanie. Well, I give them 'til Grade 7 before they get together, Grade 8 they'll break up, and in Grade 9 they'll get it on like wild rabbits during lunch hour in the woods behind the school. Let's hope they get briefed on condoms, or at least pulling out ahead of time. He calls her a hoe and she says he spelled it wrong.
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW! And he's taking on Booker T. JR says Booker has steam coming out his ears, but the production team must not have heard him because they didn't cue the steam up. The Big Nasty Bastard throws Booker T around. They talk about Booker T being a former 5 time World Champion. Yeah, well The Big Show had to BEAT THE MAN to get the title. Booker T simply had to deal with that guy who used to beat up Chyna a whole lot. Booker T is an ANGRY MAN so The Big Show goes over via DQ! I can live with that. JR says Booker T doesn't care about size. Do women feel that way too?
Coming up next is our main event. Who's RVD's partner gonna be? (Austin... I KNOW I'm getting this one right.)
Jericho, Angle, and RVD take about 5 minutes to get their entrances out of the way. We come back, and much to the surprise of no one, Steve Austin comes out. Oh wait, Austin ISN'T the partner? Tazz comes out instead. Yeah, HE'S a suitable replacement. I'm sorry, Tazz kills about any excitement I could have possibly had for this match. (By the way, catch Tazz this week on WWF Excess - my recap will be up on my homepage Sunday morning - and here on SlashWrestling when Our Fearless Leader returns from vacation. End plug.) Partway through this match, TSN blacks out. What, did a woman run in and get her ass kicked or something? We come back after about 15 seconds of dead air. Angle scores the win with the Olympic Slam. I've been told that Jericho was scheduled to win prior to the show, but HHH was backstage wielding his glass ceiling so Angle was given the nod. True story.
Austin gets in the ring and does what RVD and Tazz could not - and that's kick the crap out of Kurt Angle. Following the example of Chris Benoit, he steals Angle's medals. Only this time JR thinks it's a disgrace.
And we're out.
This show rocked. It had some solid wrestling, some great angle development, and utilized some of the undercard guys that don't normally get alot of time to get over. If ALL you were able to get out of this show was the fact that UT no sold a couple moves, then for god's sakes please stop watching wrestling.
I'll be back for Smackdown! A certain reader of mine suggested I start Bitting and Biting for that show. Which reader?
Find out on Friday. (Or Tuesday when CRZ gets home)