WRESTLING BITS AND BYTES
A REMINDER: The following column is strictly opinion. Aside from events that transpire, nothing I say should be taken as fact.
No intro tonight. No letters worth printing, and no notes. In fact, everything with the wrestling world feels strangely quiet.
Champions vs. Champion!
We start off with a highlight package. Will the World Champions go for the Tag-Team Titles again? We'll see.
Light the pyro and start the hype! A huge main event has been signed. Brothers and Y2J take on Booker T, Test, and RVD. They said huge! They lie!
Kurt Angle's out to start the show with a 20 minute promo. It feels like awhile since we've had one of these - it's been nice. Steve Austin is not scheduled to show up. Maybe he sent that out so he could show up and surprise everyone, or he's a horse's ass who knows? Oh my god, the arena is SILENT. Where the hell are they tonight? Tacoma? Pittsburgh? Or do I have to add a new crappy city to my crappy city list? He calls out Austin, and Rock responds. Will Kurt job to Rocky at No Mercy, returning that job he so desperately owes him after last year? What, you mean Wrestlemania's the ONLY show that counts in that regard? The crowd is very much awake now - I guess they just don't like Kurt. Rocky doesn't care where Steve Austin is. He cares about the Dudley Boyz. Kurt wants The Rock to testify. We could have a Dudley family reunion. I HOPE SO! Grandpa Dingleberry Punkass Grandpa? I never saw him! Oh, they're in Baton Rouge, thanks Rock. I'll tell you at the end of the night whether or not I hate this crowd. Here comes the money. Shane is forcing Rocky to compete against both Dudleys. It's a handicap tables match. I sense the tag-team champions getting jobbed out for the third time since winning the titles 2 weeks ago. Oh, and to make sure Rocky's not jobbing, the World Title's on the line. That confirms it. If Kurt interferes, Rock's title is stripped of him. Now if this was REALLY WCW, it would be the Harris Brothers taking on Rocky, and they'd win having the title held up only to wind up around the waist of Kevin Nash. That's my WCW dammit! Not this! Steve Austin is a giant strudel according to Kurt. Shane doesn't have a strudel according to Kurt. Shane counters with yes, he does indeed have the whole damn bakery. OH LORD this is more than I need! Shane McMahon challenges Kurt Angle for the WWF World Heavyweight Title. For the love of god Shane, PISS OFF! LET THE FREAKIN' WRESTLERS COMPETE FOR TITLES! Ahem, sorry. It was all an elaborate setup though, as the Dudleys attack from behind. It was a swerve. Kurt gets put through a table. Only after this does Rocky wake up and fight back. But alas, it's too late and he eats a 3D. Gee, I wonder if they'll wind up with the tag-team titles in the near future. That'll leave Kurt without the Women's and Lightheavyweight Titles - which he can't compete for unless he loses 30 pounds and his strudel.
Come on, you have the talent to be doing better than this - follow this up with a 10 minute X-Pac vs. anyone in the Lightheavyweight division match and I'll forgive everything. Kidman's return even would satisfy me. It doesn't take much, honest.
A Reminder, Tough Enough Debuts On The 15th To Those Who Don't Have MTV
Sadly, I'll be at RAW and won't be watching Tough Enough.
A fax machine is going off. What the hell is going on? Paul has a fax machine at the table? He cuts a promo and I can't hear him. He has a fax from Steve Austin, thanks audio technician. He resents the hell out of the fact he's embarrassed or ashamed about not being champ. He resents the fact that each of the fans wishes to belittle him because he lost the title. Does Austin even know how to use a fax machine?
The Dudleys old music goes off, which means the worst dressed man in Sportz Entertainment is on his way down to the ring. Last week, Hurricane stole Molly. If pro wrestling has taught me anything - kidnappings mean she'll wind up on his side. Stand back - there's a bad gimmick coming through. The European Title is on the line. Well, until Spike changes his tights, no matter how much I hate Helms' gimmick, I have to rout for the Hurricane. Hurricane cheats, and wins. Has Spike ever won a match since he's been in the WWF? Hell, I remember a chick beating him after he debuted.
Behold, a new Hurricycle. Molly has indeed joined Hurricane. I'm not surprised - why work a serious angle with Spike and Molly when we can have COMEDY!
The Big Show is in WWF New York. He can't let this get him down. If there's one thing he's learned about Americans, they have heart. On Smackdown they're going out for a night on the town. Okay, people may question why I hate Helms' gimmick but support the Big Show doing comedy. It's because he keeps it real and appears to have best intentions when he does it. It's not completely over the top and far fetched. He's just a jolly big guy - and it's a great character.
UGH, we're 0 for 2 on the night so far guys. This show can still be saved, honestly. A 30 minute TAKA vs. Christian match would be good about now - and I bet that's exactly what the writers have cooked up for the next segment. I miss wrestling.
Booker T Is Out
This is a good start. Oh wait, this is the 6 man tag-team main event they were talking about. But it's 9:30. I'm confused!
Man, when RVD's first note hits, I ALWAYS think it's Billy Gunn coming out for about a half second. The fax machine goes off again. I hope this one's from, say, Sting? Well, we'll find out in a second. No, it's from Steve Austin. My god, this is worse than the Poochie-ing that Kevin Nash was accused of by CRZ. He may not be the booker - but the writers are certainly treating him like the show revolves completely around him. The jist of this fax is that he's the leader, and not RVD.
And it's time for a commercial break. Let's see if they can work Austin into the fourth segment as well.
Here Come The Rest Of The Default Babyfaces
I swear to god, if Jericho walks to the ring and starts going out of his way to avoid fans, miss hand slaps and stuff, then complains about the way Booker T shuffles his feet in the ring I'll immediately declare this show great and forget all the crap tonight! He doesn't. Well, you had your chance. JR is talking in soundbites again tonight - and sounds like Hank Hill with a slightly higher tone. It's a 3 on 1 beatdown of Booker T - that's racist! Taker tries to press slam Test I THINK. I could be wrong, because it didn't work. Heh, Old School gets me every time. Here comes fitness guru Kane. Kane goes up top and connects with the flying clothesline. Test and Booker T almost get CHOKESLAMMED TO HELL! but they manage to get saved by RVD. Rolling Thunder is what the move is called huh? Thanks Paul! I'll remember that! Kane was your babyface in peril for about 2 seconds. He makes the hot tag to Taker who beats the piss out of everyone. Soupbones for all. Now things get hot with everyone in and RVD and Jericho getting into it again. Big Boot for Kane. Now it's time for the Last Ride for Test, but Taker has trouble getting him up. Shit, I REALLY wish he hadn't blown that. The idiots online are going to crucify him (on a symbol, not a cross) for blowing a move. RVD pins Jericho - do teams with the Brothers on it ever win anymore?
Last night, the WCW females got into a fight. Now live tonight, Torrie will tell all to Lillian Garcia!
Stephanie McMahon Injury Update
She has a special graphic? Okay, that's kind of funny in an overreacting kind of way.
Here's a look at how Stephanie got injured.
Shane McMahon now is in to talk to RVD. RVD is annoyed that Stephanie was ringside to start with. RVD is told not to assume he's the Alliance leader, RVD assumes nothing 'cause he's RVD.
Stacy Kiebler meanwhile is spazzing out attacking both Torrie and Lillian. Lillian meanwhile is barking about being attacked.
This segment was Excess like. That is not a good thing.
Michael Jordan Was Inspired By Mario Lemieux - His Press Conference Told Me So
That's the beauty of watching TSN for RAW. While they might censor things like women getting shoved by men, I do get sports highlights all throughout the show. There's no important baseball tonight though, so today's not a example of using this to my advantage but when the playoffs and hockey begin, all is good.
The following contest is the handicap match. The hell? Is Shane and Angle still our main event at 11:00 or is THIS the main event and no one warned me the show is only an hour?
Rock charges the ring, and I run to the fridge to get grapes. Not cheap green ones either - but the full seedless purple ones. I'm back and Rocky's getting beaten up. Apparently Shane vs. Kurt is indeed our main event tonight. *sigh* And no I didn't see King Of The Ring, so I am not aware how good this match could be. Buh Buh gets caught on top and I thought that was it - but D-Von was thinking and moved the table. JR calls Heyman a human boil. Well I guess he's like TNN then, he's got pop. Dudleys almost 3D Rocky, but he escapes. A few minutes later, Rock Bottom but the table is again moved. Here comes Shane McMahon and he puts Rocky through with no problem. Charles Robinson runs down, and lil' Natch is going to ring the bell - until Mike Chioda stops him. Rocky wakes up, and wins the match and everyone's happy.
Next, Tajiri and Torrie take on Tazz and Stacy.
DDP Is Back Again
DDP wants us to feel great. Most important way to feel great is to be positive. Recently he needed surgery - but that's good. His knee is stronger than ever. He loves rehab. He loves yoga. Did you really leave a million dollar contract for this? DDP must be one positive mofo to think this is good! Get your lazy butt off the couch and do some yoga. He's going to make you like you.
Here's that mixed tag all the kids are talking about. Stacy dances for Tajiri, so he kicks her in the ass. Tajiri is GREAT. Stacy and Torrie now roll around for awhile. Tazz comes in to pull Torrie for awhile, then Tajiri gets in and yells stuff in Japanese while putting Tazz in the Tarantula. Ivory hits a DDT on Torrie and Stacy gets the pin. I really hope the women's title is coming back or this is all pointless.
Another fax has come in. Jesus. Heyman has an announcement for everyone. It's a message from Steve Austin. I wouldn't have called that one. He doesn't appreciate the degrading comments from JR. He's a courageous man. He is not a bully - he hates bullies. He is a sensitive human being. Further degrading from JR will result in him stomping a mudhole in JR's 10 gallon hat. JR screams that Austin's gonna be here. He won't.
Without Any Letters Or Opening Comments, This Column Is Actually Fairly Short Tonight
I'm rapidly not caring about tonight's show - and I'm not sorry the VCR isn't running.
Commissioner Regal wants to see Ivory. The more of Ivory they see, the more they like it. She comes on to William Regal. She shows off her ass. He calls her filthy and disgusting. Lance Storm comes in and accuses Regal of sexual harassment. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Lance Storm is a god! His clean cut act is better RTC than RTC ever was! Tonight Regal will give Storm a thrashing. And looking at the booking lately, he probably will.
Christian's out. It's about friggin' time. Last week he successfully defended his title against Chris Jericho and Bradshaw. He's upset people don't appreciate him. Preach on! A group of people like them - only with teeth (GOLD!!!!) and he doesn't finish his sentence to rip on them. He's absolutely tearing them apart. My god, this is the kind of segment I've been waiting for all night! Now he finishes that sentence, a group of people like them said Christian sucks. Yo, you're dealing with the X-Pactor. X-Pac feels Christian's pain - he knows what it's like to have everyone hate him. He was on top of the world. He was part of DX. He went on his own and the fans turned on him. Christian yells "SHAME ON YOU PEOPLE". Everyone else are losers - X-Pac and Christian are winners. Do we have a new tag-team? Edge comes out and tells X-Pac that hanging out with cool people doesn't make him a cool person. 1998 called, and they're sick and tired of him. Ouch! At one point, he was into goth, but then he developed a character. X-Pac should look into it. Christian tells Edge he's pretty cocky for a guy that just had his ass handed to him. Edge tells Christian that they're going to find out why they hate him. He reels off a number of questions to the crowd, and they cheer all of them. Edge adds that Christian wets the bed. Albert attacks, and it's time for a heel beatdown. They go for a one man conchairto but Bradshaw and Faarooq attack. Yikes!
WHAT A GREAT SEGMENT!!!!!!!!! That saved the show in spades, there IS some redeeming qualities tonight!
Time For A Bitchin' Match
Regal and Lance Storm is the kind of match I've been wanting! This match is about 15 minutes too short - as Regal gets on a nasty Regal Stretch. Holy crap, he's bleeding a gusher from his nose! Why is Lance Storm being made to look like such a wuss?
It's time for another fax. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Austin wants Regal to strip Angle of the World Title and return it to Austin. The least Regal can do is name Austin the #1 contender if he doesn't wish to strip the title - or else. Regal tells Mr. Heyman if he could relay the following message, and slaps Heyman. All hail the queen? What the hell does THAT mean JR?
Let's Waste Time Looking At The Pointless Tough Enough Competition
Yeah - I saw all this on Excess as did the other 4 people who watched - I don't want to watch it again on RAW.
Maven is backstage at RAW. He's talking to Tazz. Tazz tells Maven he's wrestling on Smackdown! and his opponent is coming through the door in a moment. Tazz then attacks from behind and says the opponent is him.
RVD and Shane are talking again. There's 7 minutes to the top of the hour - I hope that means the main event is a squash. Shane tells RVD not to do him "any favors" ringside during the title match.
The main event is next.
The Main Event Is Now
Here comes the money, with Rob Van Dam by his side. Angle gets a mild pop. It almost feels forced. Baton Rouge REALLY sucks. Shane runs around the ring, and Angle bumps into RVD. RVD tells him he's RVD so Angle beats him up. Hah! Shane hits a really nice looking neckbreaker style move on Angle coming out of a vertical suplex. Shane works over the neck for a good little while. Psychology? Shane's coming along! On the other hand, I feel guilty for even saying something like that because frankly to keep Angle over as a megaface he should be ripping Shane McMahon to pieces. Just absolutely destruction for 3 minutes and that's it. RVD helps Shane by hitting a Five Star Frog Splash on Angle. That gets 2. RVD tries to interfere again, so Angle dropkicks him in the head. Anticlimatic Anglelock finishes it. The ending came too quickly. They tried working a 20 minute match into 6 minutes.
Very, very disappointing show.