I TOO GET LETTERS

Hey, it's been awhile since alert reader Greg Pizzo wrote me a letter! I was worried my top reader had abandoned me:

Hi Chris - it's been a while! Man, it must blow chunks to miss all that stuff like Torrie going through a table and some chick looking between her legs with DDP! It's nice that the censors up there can handle those kind of chores for you like cleaning up your tv intake!

Can you make Stephanie get off my TV please?

Can you make Shane get off too?

It was nice to see some wrestling this week, but there still are too many segments of "what the hell was that for?"

Keep up the fine journalistic prose, my brother!

I will forgive the What The Hell segments in exchange for more wrestling - honestly. I could handle the Hurricane if there's good to wash it down with.

As for the TSN censors, I watched the DDP segment on WWF.com and I have to say it was FREAKIN' HILARIOUS. Unfortunately, I don't know WHAT it has to do with wrestling - but that segment certainly buys them some time to follow it up.

Where did you get the idea I understand BIG words like "prose"? I'm going to look that up and if that's an insult it's on! (That's sarcasm)

Smackdown! Is On The Air

Slick Willie is the highlight of our opening package. And why not? He did turn heel last Monday! President Bush something or other - I dunno I didn't watch CNN today and whatever the announcement was went away in a hurry. Regal makes faces that make me laugh.

The people are beautiful. Marilyn Manson says so.

It was the biggest screwjob in WWF history. *sigh* Don't start with me Cole. You know, after watching AWA today on ESPN Classics, I really have respect for Verne Gagne's announcing skills! Get the sportz entertainment off TV and have HIM do the shows. It'll get ratings. Or maybe not. But at least I'll be happy, right? Well, I'd probably find a way to get negative.

Let's start with MCMAHONS! Oh, okay, Bush has a news conference, thanks for clarification. Stephanie's voice makes my ears bleed - but she looks really hot tonight. I wonder if she's that loud when, err, nevermind. Let's welcome Willie to the Alliance. BOOOOO! He's the worst turncoat in WWF history. EXCUSE me? Christ, if this wasn't a promo I'd turn the bloody sound down. Willie thinks Austin is everything a champ should be. The WWF has no one who fits the description of a champ. GLASS CEILING! He just buried the WWF! Here's Stone Cold with his classic music - the breaking of the glass ceiling. Debra's with him. USA = U Suck Austin. He clears his throat a bunch of times and gives us a few false starts. Scott Hall's definitely coming back - his influence is there. Austin felt excitement and America's excitement. He had a long speech written out, but it's been shortened to 2 words: It's Over. No rematch for Kurt. Theme From Wrestlemania hits! Linda McMonotone is in 'da house! I guess that means Foley's not far behind. It is far from over. Tonight's a whole new beginning. Starting with Regal, YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED. Well, not quite like that, but you get the point. Regal sneers a lot. On what grounds? I hope he sues. She has more announcements, but the new commissioner can make those. Crowd chants Foley - Michael Cole doesn't know who it could be. When you live by the sword, you die by the sword. It's true, it's true. Angle attacks from behind and goes all badass on Steve Austin. He manages to run off the fivesome. Tazz calls Angle a crybaby. YOU gonna do something about it midget? Go beat up on Maven or something.

Yes, I'm in a cynical mood tonight, thanks for asking. I really shouldn't be doing a column like this.

Moments Ago Linda McMahon Returned

Linda can't pronounce R's in true. It's true! I hope she turns heel and joins the Alliance so the McMahon to wrestler ratio goes up.

Shane wants to know who the new commissioner is.

The Dudley Boyz are defending the tag-team titles. I will NEVER get tired of Stacy like this. And they're facing THE BIG SHOW! Good choice! I wish Big Show and X-Pac were a tag-team. I note that Spike's tights aren't as bad with pants. How many tag-team title shots is friggin' Spike gonna get against his brothers? That sidewalk slam sounded HARD. Makes a cool noise when Show does it. They almost win with that Rey Mysterio shoulder dive thing. Dudleys retain soon after with a 3D on Spike. Spike is then sent through a table. Nevermind he spends half his life injured.

Chris Takes A Nap - And 2 Days To Get Back To The Column

Yup, I fell asleep writing this Thursday night. I was exhausted. That gives the WWF a chance to once again step it up and work on a clean slate. Not to mention I'm in a GREAT MOOD now, since I just found out a few minutes ago about the tickets mentioned at the top of the column.

Now I just have to find on my tape where I was.

Alright, I'm about a half hour into the show. It's DDP! He has a special message for a special person. That person is Kurt Angle. His losing the WWF Title was a good thing. He learned a valuable lesson - sometimes you have to lose things to realize how valuable they really are. That's a just whole lot of valuable isn't it? He feels like a nobody when he's not a WWF Champion. He feels like a looooooooooooooser. He's a somebody. DDP likes him. Kurt likes him. DDP just helped him like him. I guess Angle can feud with him for a month or so when the Steve Austin thing is done.

Here's a look back at Monday night's match between Rocky / Jericho vs. McMahon / RVD. This segues into...

Earlier today Rocky and Jericho talk out their differences.

Steve Austin didn't deserve to be jumped by Kurt Angle. Stephanie thinks Austin believes in leadership by example and rewarding his own. The McMahons want RVD to take on The Rock for the WCW World Heavyweight Title. Austin says no way, Rocky is something special - something RVD doesn't deserve. Instead we get Jericho vs. RVD - winner gets Rocky. Isn't it ironic Shane McMahon is the one agreeing with Austin about paying your dues.

You know who could play the role of the "old knowledgeable veteran" that guys go to talk to backstage? Jake Roberts! I swear to god, nobody could pull that off better than Jake! Well...maybe Ron Simmons.

I hate Subway commercials. Iron Monkey sounds really dirty.

Edge And Jericho Are Talking

Jericho's all up for this match. If he's turning heel, as is widely speculated, let's hope he grows out that rat tail goatee. Stephanie's in the locker room. Jericho makes a slut joke. HAHAHAHAHA! What a FUNNY and ORIGINAL one! Now a breast joke. HA HA HA HO AHHHHHHHHH I can't keep it in.

BILLY KIDMAN! is out!!! Holy hell, I didn't expect THAT! He's facing X-Pac. Oh, sorry Kidman, I was excited to see you and all, but I hope you job. Being Alliance and all, and facing X-Pac, chances of that happening are pretty good. He's going for the WCW World Cruiserweight Title. He's a 3 time champ by my count. I don't like Kidman's new tights. He looks like too much like the rest of the roster now. His wife beater and shorts were unique. How sad a society do we live in when we have CLOTHES called wife beaters? Yikes. X- Factor - Kidman gets his foot on the ropes. X-Pac goes to powerbomb Kidman. What the HELL is it with wrestlers continually doing that? Guys who NEVER use the powerbomb pull it out against this guy. Is there some POINT they're trying to prove? "I powerbombed Kidman!" Kidman hits a...good question. Let's call it a reverse power bomb until someone e-mails me or I read the name somewhere. Either way, Kidman is now a 4 time champ. I hope Rey Mysterio Jr. appears on RAW and comes after HIS title seeing as how he's a 5 time champion.

RVD and Shane McMahon are talking in the locker room. Shane is telling him it's pressure - RVD is all relaxed. He's Rob Van Dam, just incase you weren't sure.

Tobacco Is Whacco

That's what I've been told anyway. Jericho weighs HOW much? I swear I heard 247 pounds. He hasn't bulked up THAT much since his cruiserweight days - has he? If RVD gets pinned, does he lose the Hardcore Title? It IS defended 24/7 - or least it is when the writers remember that. Nice mid-ring monkey flip from RVD. Five Star Frogsplash about a minute in - but to the outside. Jericho's eye gets busted open. If this was a game of Jeopardy, here's what we'd see:

ANSWER: This WWF star's favorite food is potato.
QUESTION: Who is Rob Van Dam?

That's what, 3 or 4 guys now he's busted open inadvertently? I'm sure Bret Hart would be mighty proud of this guy. Walls Of Jericho - RVD makes the ropes. Lionsault - but the referee is dead. Split legged moonsault - man, someone get this ref some medical attention. I'm SERIOUSLY worrying about the health of the men the WWF hires on as officials. They spend half their lives out cold. Austin runs in, clocks RVD, Jericho scores the pinfall. RVD is mighty pissed - Austin is mighty collected. Austin calls out the Alliance to the ring. And we take a commercial break.

Moments Ago Rob Van Dam Got Chaired

The Alliance is in the ring now. Ever since Austin's been the leader, he's led by example. He wouldn't be the champ right now - if it wasn't for one person. That person is Shane McMahon. HA! Well executed! He loves Shane. Shane gets a hug. Austin thanks RVD for covering Angle after he was hit with a chair. RVD is ticked. Austin wants to know why he's ticked? Austin wants him to keep his feet on the ground - because in 5 years he'll be a big star. Austin doesn't like him, he doesn't love him - but he does appreciate what he's done. He offers his hand as an olive branch. Car Crash hits, and Mick Foley returns! Everyone called it, but who cares? It's nice to have him back - and with hair! He's the new commissioner. William Regal and Kurt Angle is set up. Sneers all around. Oops, he CAN'T set that match up - but he can try to appeal to Regal's British manhood. Regal agrees to the match. Now, it's time for Steve-O. Remember when they were tag-team champs? He's going to exercise his authority. No Mercy has Kurt Angle vs. Steve Austin for the World Title. Mick Foley has been watching RVD - and he thinks the main event at No Mercy would be better with him involved. A triple threat for the World Title. He can't force Rob Van Dam into the match - so it's up to him. Austin tries to stare him down. But RVD won't turn down the advice of Steve Austin - and since he believes in reaching for the stars, he's in. Very well done segment!

Austin Is Not A Happy Camper

Austin believes Foley's here to make his life miserable. Shane McMahon believes this is a great thing though. If Austin wins the title - it stays with the Alliance. If RVD wins...ooh Austin doesn't like that.

Stand back, aww man get lost! The last segment ruled, why did YOU have to show up for work? His Hurrisenses are telling him it's time to defend the European Title. Well, at least he's willing to put up the title once in awhile, which is better than Matt Hardy I guess. Mind you, Matt Hardy doesn't bother me. Kane answers the challenge. Okay Kane, I'm begging you, Chokeslam him to OVW. Hurricane offers a spot in the Hurrileague to Kane. Kane agrees, then tries to break his hand. That's a good start. Shane Helms is too good a worker for me to hate him this much. Kane doesn't like him much either and starts to pound the crap out of him. Hurricane rolls out to talk to Mighty. Helms tries to bearhug Kane. This was funny the first time. Hurricane signals for the Juvi Driver. UGH, the fans WOULD be all into this match too. Kane is set up for the powerbomb. Kane turns around and powerbombs him. Good. Test and Booker T run in to end this one. Here comes Undertaker to go after Booker. So Hurricane still has the European Title. Yikes.

Mick Foley walks in on Al Snow and Maven. Foley thanks Al for losing a match about 8 months ago against Regal so he could return to power tonight. Ahhhh, seeing those 2 together reminds me of their trip to Vegas. You want Sportz Entertainment - THAT was Sportz Entertainment. Al is all protective of Maven. I hope to GOD this doesn't lead to Al Snow turning heel on him down the road.

Test And Booker T Are Talking

Is this replacing the old "so and so is WALKING"? Test and Kane is set up for No Mercy.

Al Snow joins commentary. Boy it would be nice to watch him wrestle (and win) once in awhile. Tazz and Maven are going to have another go at it tonight. Maven gets a good pop again - though not as strong as last week. Maven hits a great dropkick, a lousy hiptoss, and a pretty good slam. His moonsault is funny looking but solid. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to be working so well after only a few months of practice - so huge props to him. Tazz then kills him. Maven after the match shows poor sportsmanship and punks out Tazz. Al Snow congratulates this. Is THIS what they teach in wrestling school?

Rocky is pacing - he'll talk next.

Rocky Is Pacing - He'll Talk Now

Well, maybe not. First we have to fun down No Mercy matches. I really dig their graphics.

Now we hear from The Rock. Coach interviews him because apparently one show isn't enough for him to butcher. Are he and Chris Jericho cool? Everything is cool. It's water under the bridge. Jericho will get his ass whooped in 10 days. Jericho is standing near by listening in. Rock is a little annoyed - but Jericho says that's all he was doing. This match is going to be huge - and everyone's excited. Tonight, Jericho won the big one. They shake hands. Jericho says people are gonna be talking about this one for a long time and bumps Rocky on the way out. Rocky turns and says "He has no idea". PLEASE TURN THE ROCK! SCREW JERICHO AS A HEEL - TURN ROCKY!!!!!!!! If you're a new fan and have never witnessed his heel work - he is a god. Of course, if you do, you're left with a bunch of heels with RVD, Jericho, and Angle making up the babyface side. Eep. Let's hope HHH is ready to come back.

On Monday, William Regal Turned Heel

I don't care what anyone says, I liked the heel turn.

This is going to be a straight up fight according to Tazz. Kurt comes to the ring mouthing off a whole lot. Then they go out - and without the use of flashy moves have a bitchin' match! Of course, it's really short - like 4 minutes or something. About a hundred Alliance members charge, and they all get beaten up. I laugh at Tommy Dreamer thinking he could do something to affect the outcome of this one. Kurt celebrates - and ummmm was there a finish to that match?

I'll be back Monday with notes from the live show. See ya then.