WRESTLING BITS AND BITES
I Too Get Letters
I'm not sure whether it's in reference to Excess or Bits and Bites, however I got a letter from reader Edgar Flores.
your recaps suck you should stop trying cause everyone knows that when you suck at something you should stop trying to do it right away. but you dont know this. but now you do. so stop recapping please. cause you suck
It only took 4 months, 35 columns, and 10 show recaps.
With that, let's get to the show. Since I'm recapping live tonight, I'll give McMahons the benefit of the doubt for awhile. If I grow annoyed, mute button it is.
My Freakin' Mouse Just Died
No kidding - that little ball in the middle of my laptop dropped dead, just stopped working. Guess I have to go back to a convensional mouse tomorrow. *grumble*
This is Louisville, Kentucky! I'm watching RAW live! Tonight, McMahon vs. McMahon. Also, Test and Booker T take on Rocky and Chris Jericho for the WWF World Tag-Team Titles.
Why, speaking of McMahons, here's Vince and the WWF locker room. At the Survivor Series, the WWF will wipe the Alliance of the face of the earth. I wouldn't put it past you at all Vince. Last week, Stephanie and Shane picked on Linda. Heaven forbid! It won't go unpunished. If he was Shane, he'd worry about surviving the asskicking he's getting tonight. At the Survivor Series however, let's meet the 5 men who will represent the WWF in an elimination match. The Brothers Of Destruction, Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, and The Rock. Why, this team is eerily reminiscent of the team from InVasion. If THAT team couldn't get it done, why do they think Rocky's gonna change things? Why, here's Stephanie to grace us with her presence. Let me guess, Dudleys, Austin, Booker, and Test? No, here's clips of last week where Shane and Stephanie picked on Linda McMahon. What a loving and caring man that Mr. McMahon is. Stephanie dedicates tonight's match to Linda. Here comes the money. Oh boy, MORE MCMAHONS! I see about, oh, 30 guys standing at ringside doing a whole lot of nothing. I know their last name isn't McMahon, but I think Vince might be surprised if he gave a microphone to one of them. Tonight, a member of the WWF is going to defect to the Alliance. Hey, now we're announcing swerves before they happen, at least I can NOT care about matches in advance.
Call me grumpy, but if people weren't defecting every 3 weeks this announcement may mean a little more to me. But already there's Austin, Test, Ivory, Christian, and Regal who have jumped over, and that's just off the top of my head.
Stephanie Thinks Shane Is Unbelievable
McMahons in every segment tonight! Austin and the McChildren are the only people who know who's defecting.
RVD is curtain jerking! He's challenging for the Intercontinental Title. Oh man, don't kill Edge's push already. Repeated short title reigns don't help! Just ask Jeff Hardy about that. Heyman suggests Edge is jumping. JR says, yeah it could be Edge. Well that's just downright insulting. If I was Edge I'd jump based on that alone! Five Star Froggie Splash to the floor. Edge is getting next to no offence here. Heyman offers a spot to JR. No, I don't think the Alliance needs that. Edge hits RVD with a spear out of nowhere. Edge is caught on top and NOOOOOO. Whew, RVD missed the Frog Splash! Edge hits the Buzzkiller and PINS RVD CLEAN! HE PINS RVD CLEAN! THANK YOU!
RVD makes Austin sick. Tazz comes in and asks Austin who's jumping. Tazz's watch speaks Spanish. Austin's watch says one nosy individual had better leave because he's getting on his nerves. Tazz leaves. Now Debra wants to know who it is. Austin's getting so comfortable in this role. Where I was starting to get bored with him a few weeks ago suddenly he seems like one of the bright spots in the shows. Maybe it's the fact he's taking some time off and he's not so over exposed?
The Acolytes Drink Beer And Smoke
Bradshaw reminds Faarooq he's a former WCW World Heavyweight Champion. Thank you! They're playing cards with Saturn - and I wouldn't have known that if he hadn't said Thank You. The lack of moustache is strange. Jericho calls a WCW meeting. Faarooq says Damn. This segment had EVERYTHING!
This match is a mixed tag-team match. Last night on Heat (hey, I watched Heat!) Tajiri beat Hurricane. I guess tonight he has to "get his Heat back". (Teehee, I made a pun.) JR thinks Hurricane would be better served to lose the posing. That, the costume, and the whole gimmick. Mighty Molly and Torrie now square off. Torrie throws Molly around - which leads me to ask you just how much this gimmick is doing for Miss Madness. Well, Molly rolls up Torrie with a handful of ass which serves to turn me on and score a win for her team.
Chris Jericho talks to the locker room. Working for WCW and ECW sucked. Continue to bury them. He's not going to stand around while some coward wants to jump. He wants the person to show his face. Finally The Rock shows up to the meeting. Rocky asks him who in the blue hell he thinks he is. Rocky wants to know when Jericho became the leader of the WWF. He became the leader the second he took the WCW World Heavyweight Title from The Rock. Rocky tells him he's been winning big ones for years. Rocky was winning big ones when he was on Nitro getting his ass kicked by Juventud Guerrera. GOLD! I know he's used it before but it still cracks me up. Rocky all but accuses Jericho of being the one who's going to jump ship.
If I'm Jericho I bring up the fact Rocky's main evented Wrestlemania 3 times now and has been pinned 3 times.
Earlier Today Kurt Angle And Bradshaw Smacked Down Their Votes
Austin thinks the WWF is stupid to hold a meeting. Regal comes in wearing his trunks. He's got a match against Kurt Angle. He wants to see Kurt Angle privately before the US Title matchup.
Undertaker and Kane are going to take the Dudleys tag-team titles. Jericho comes in and berates them for ignoring the meeting. Undertaker calls him a sawed off puissant. Jericho accuses Kane of jumping to the Alliance. Why, did negotiations with Kevin Nash fall through and they need someone to play him?
Mick Foley Whores His Book
I remind you, don't order from the Shopzone.
Diamond Dallas Page is here complete with headset! JR calls DDP's teeth dominoes. I take it he's never looked at Edge? DDP knows who's leaving the WWF and coming to the Alliance. DDP says he's big. He's huge. A superstar of gigantic proportions. The surprise is The Big Show. Oh PLEASE be The Big Show! That would SO rule! The WWF superstars think he's a freak that makes funny noises. He's overweight and out of shape. That's not a bad thing, etc. The Big Show knows his friends are really in the Alliance. The Big Show's music hits and DDP puts on the BIGGEST grin! Show is smiling too. Rock on! DDP likes Show, and Show likes DDP. DDP wants to help Show like Show. DDP offers his hand and Show Chokeslams him. Show then does the MeMeMeMe thing.
Angle talks to Mr. McMahon. Angle's concerned about a meeting with Steve Austin. Mr. McMahon doesn't trust that son of a bitch. McMahon eyeballs Kurt, and Kurt's extremely insulted. Vince offers Kurt a 2 by 4 to take in with Austin. Is Hacksaw in the building?!? This show could always use a little Duggan.
Booker T and Test take on Jericho and Rocky next.
By the way, since we've already called the screwjob, is there any DOUBT who's winning the street fight tonight?
Heyman Steals JR's Copy
Heyman: "Oh no you don't, tonight's show is brought to you by..." How will Jericho and Rocky get through THIS one? If I hear The Big One one more time.... Rocky immediately takes to burying Booker. Sorry, that was just the Smark in me talking. I'll tell you right now, the ONLY person who could jump and "swerve" me tonight is Undertaker. It's the least logical idea, and for that reason it'll probably happen. Heyman reminds us that Booker's an 11 time World Tag-Team Champion and JR reminds us that means he's lost it 11 times. God JR, and you wonder why I can't stand you. I hope Stevie Ray kicks your ass. Rocky accidently hits Jericho, so Jericho retaliates with bulldog, then The Stroke. Test covers and Jericho breaks it up. Test takes The Stroke. Rocky tags in Jericho by yanking him over the ropes, then hitting him with a Rock Bottom. Rocky leaves the ring and Test...no, Rocky's back in the ring to break it up! Man, I thought that was it for sure! Jericho gets the Liontamer on Test, while Booker T takes a Rock Bottom. Test taps, champs retain.
Backstage Kurt carries a 2 by 4. Give him a flag and a HOOOOOO instead of WHOOO! Angle and Austin square off. Austin asks Angle to join the Alliance. Kurt responds with "what?". Kurt won't join until he finds out who's jumping to the Alliance tonight. Angle tells Austin to go to hell. Austin tells Debra if he hadn't been carrying a 2 by 4, watch out.
What Is An Xbox?
No one bothered to tell me last week what it is. I HONESTLY don't know. Don't assume someone's already e-mailed me to say so - write it on the EZBoard if you must. Thanks!
Michael Cole snitches Angle out for accusing Rocky of jumping ship. Rocky hunts him down.
Stacy is going to take on Lita. Oh man, there is a world of talent on this roster - is this HONESTLY the best we can do? I know I praised some women's wrestling this week, but this is the second damn time tonight. Stacy gives Lita the Nash boot to the neck choke thing, and hot damn if that isn't a great angle! Argh, I don't watch wrestling to sit around staring at chicks, that's what porn's for. Stacy hurts herself on the outside, and so does Lita. Matt Hardy checks on Lita. Stacy also claims to be hurt and Stacy slaps him. Lita gets too close and Matt hits her with an elbow to the face. Lita gets the pin with a Twist Of Fate. Matt comes in and Lita's not happy with him. Matt, I've said it before and I'll say it again, YOU CAN DO A WORLD OF BETTER!
Rocky's Found Angle
Rocky's not a happy camper. Is he going out of his way to burn his bridges with all his friends? Rocky wants to know what the hell Angle was doing in there. Rock tells him NEVER to question his loyalty. The Rock doesn't know that Kurt's not the one who might turn his back on the WWF. They stare deeply into eachother's eyes.
Commissioner Foley's in WWF New York. He has a book with him, IMAGINE THAT! Regal and Foley apparently made a deal where Rocky and Jericho would defend their WWF Tag-Team Titles against Booker and Test if the Dudleys defended their titles against The Brothers Of Destruction.
Here's A Music Video
This is being played just incase you thought for a second you might be watching a wrestling program. I don't recognize the song, but it sure sounds like Creed.
Commissioner Regal has new music. I don't like it at all. Hopefully this match will be the furthest thing from a slobberknocker. JR denies praising Regal while he was the WWF commissioner. Heyman says he did and JR calls Heyman a liar. This is my problem with JR summed up right there. Regal gets his ass thrown all over the ring and taps to the Anglelock. I'm glad that lasted all of 15 seconds.
Vince struts around showing off his old man arms. Taker wants to know what Vince wants, and Vince offers him good luck. Taker tells him he's full of crap, and he's nervous that Taker or Kane are going to screw him over. Vince tries leaving, and Taker tells him he needs no luck - but maybe Vince does.
Here's A Match We've Seen 500 Times, What's One More?
I've never really likes this series of matches. This match involves a bunch of guys running around like chickens with their heads cut off. The Brothers lose clean, I really could care less, this match was HORRIBLE. My brother's comment: "It was like an ECW match without the spots, which makes it pointless."
The streetfight is next. My brother's comment: "Vince is going to turn. You know why? He always turns."
I wouldn't doubt it.
Here Comes The Money
I've managed to make it through this far, but just looking at Shane makes me want to change the channel. Unfortunately, there's no sporting events on I'd rather be watching. Vince goes on offence and beats on his son. I bet it's all a swerve. Vince hits Shane with a Keep Off sign, which reeks of a swerve. Shane goes knee first into the steps. My brother's comment: "I bet during this match Shane does the elbow through the announce table." You don't say? If Vince is the devil, then what's Shane? Does anyone realize JR's worshipping the devil? Devil worshipper, devil worshipper! The McMahons go all Brian Knobbs and randomly swing weapons. Shane does a Shooting Star Press, probably to mock Hayabusa, but I can't be sure. Once again, we go to my brother: "Shane's a stupid fuckhead, cause that spot meant nothing and it'll never mean anything again. If Shane can do it, anyone can do it, cause he's not a wrestler." Vince clears the table - and I urge you to read the earlier comment from my brother at the top. Shane hits Vince with the big elbow. Yup. Thanks for continually ruining breathtaking spots Shane, you're the man you cool stud. Shane sets up the trashcan. Let's ruin the Van Terminator now! Vince blocks it, and here comes the run ins. Heyman: "But who's side are they on?" THAT IS THE LINE OF THE YEAR!!! Ahh Bobby, how we miss thee! And here comes The Rock. Heyman: "But who's side is HE on?" And Austin! "We know who's side he's on!" Angle goes Alliance. Well, see that would be a cool heel turn if WE DIDN'T DO THIS A FEW WEEKS AGO WITH REGAL!
Oh well, Kurt as a heel is a good thing. This show was pretty good I thought. One thing?
No more McMahons.