WRESTLING BITS AND BITES
NOTES TO YOU
Alright, quickly, the reason I haven't written more over the past few days (Smackdown! version of Bits And Bites, Excess, etc.) is because my computer plug died and without power, laptops and computers in general don't work. However, we're all fixed and everything's good.
Also, I landed a job! (About time too!) So I work between 40 - 60 hours a week, meaning less content. However, one of the biggest comforts in my life has been writing columns over the past 6 months and I plan on continuing to do so until it no longer becomes fun.
Finally, I have to throw out props to my father. He stopped by tonight with my new plug, and gave us $20 and INSISTED we spend it on pizza and beer. Those were his words, I kid you not. I'm not sure what got into him, but it's typical. If I ever start whining about my parents in this column, please remind me about tonight, and ask me why I'd whine in a column they don't read anyway. ;-)
WE ARE LIVE!!!
Matt Hardy's in WWF New York looking for a new chick. We're in the Cajun Dome. What are the chances of Lash LeRoux showing up? (He was fired.) Oh, just 'cause JR "says" something doesn't make it so!
The Undertaker is out. I don't remember for sure, but I *think* he kicked off last week as well. I know the Smarks are rejoicing his curtain jerking, but remember, only the most exciting and entertaining wrestlers get this position. Hah!
Oh, and I guess Jeff Hardy gets a spot in the opening too...and he's wearing pink. I damn near crapped my pants last week when he uttered "You wanna intimidate a woman, intimidate me". This is for the hardcore title, though if there's anything hardcore about Jeff Hardy, I don't want to know about it. Matt watches on from WWF New York. What are the chances of him running in? Lita the whore worries about Jeff at ringside, even though they're "just friends". Listen, I have good friends, and if my friends were getting their asses kicked by The Undertaker, I'd run like hell. JR says "Lita's not a cheater". He IS delusional! Doesn't he watch RAW every week, or is he paid to catch flies? Last Ride, and here comes "Lita's not a cheater". However, Taker is Taker and she decides not to. 1, 2, 3! He gets on his motorcycle, but decides seeing Lita week in and week out is far too much for him. Taker runs off with Jeff Hardy, and sacrifices him to get the message through to Lita. Matt seems upset. I bet he's fakin' it.
MOMENTS AGO MATT HARDY WORRIED ABOUT LITA
Huh? Did TSN cut to commercial quickly or something? I'm *REALLY* lost! I saw nothing happen to Lita.
Vince McMahon joins us for the 20 minute promo. Could this promo EVER be cut by someone OTHER than a McMahon? I can't think of a show going by in the last THREE years that a McMahon hasn't been involved in a 20 minute promo during the show. At least during HHH's third reign as champ Stephanie kept relatively quiet. Sign in crowd: "Will job for food". Vince wants to go back to Smackdown! and watch Austin attack him and Booker T. Then Booker T and Austin had one of the FUNNIEST brawls I've ever seen. Now that is how to do comedy on a wrestling show! Vince calls out Steve Austin. Hasn't he learned yet after four years? Vince hates that word "what?" Vince wants Austin to apologize to Booker T for beating him up in the super market. I giggle when he goes through "I did that man a favor" 3 times. When Austin talks about the crawfish and Lawler says "That stuff is nasty" I nearly keel over. This interview is hilarious. Austin wants to open up a can of whoop ass on Vince McMahon. Booker T however is outside in front of the Smokin' Skull truck. Booker T does a number on it. Oh come on Book! Don't you remember how upset YOU were when Scott Steiner totalled YOUR car.
STEVE AUSTIN IS ONE ANGRY MOFO
Booker rushes off in his car, and Austin chases close behind. What exciting location will we arrive at this week?
The Zoo Crew join us. They're facing the Dudleys. This is about as un- interesting a match as I could possibly book. That is, not including women. Dudleys retain, let's move on.
Vince McMahon talks to Booker T on the cell phone. He's safe and sound right now. Booker wants Vince to guess where he is. He's at a place Austin will never find him - in church. He's getting set to play some BINGO. Now can you dig that? Oh man....
RUSS HAAS HAS PASSED AWAY
I don't really know what to say about this since I never saw the guy perform and know nothing about him other than his reputation. Always sad to hear about anyone passing however, so my condolences to everyone who was close to him and is feeling this.
Christian defends the European Title against Tazz. I really don't have a good feeling about this. Remember, Title Changes = RATINGZ! Tazz has a lot of guts according to JR. The biggest one is sticking out from under his shirt. Christian hits the Unprettier before I can say "Christian hits the Unprettier before I can say" and retains. Whew! Will Tazz EVER hold a title that doesn't say Hardcore? Let's hope not. He chokes out Christian to get his heat back. For this he gets his music played. Yay?
Gregory Helms chats with Ric Flair. Lance Storm bursts in and can't believe that Hurricane has a job and he doesn't. Flair tells Storm that three strikes and he's out...and tonight, he's facing The Rock! OH YEAH!
CHAMPIONS...20 FEET ABOVE THE RING...DON'T VOTE ON THIS MATCH
Great, TLC is rated #2 overall... It's not that I'm not a fan of that match or anything, but TLC matches tend to make me desensitized to big bumps so I'd rather see other stuff. Austin and HHH at No Way Out though is a GREAT way to go!
Vince McMahon talks to RVD. He wishes RVD good luck. Vince tells RVD if he wins the title they could get along well. RVD tells Vince thanks, but he doesn't see them getting along as a team. He points to himself 3 times in a row and says some letters of the alphabet. Vince is going to be the guest commentator tonight. The fans boo. Clearly they don't like him behind the desk anymore than I do.
Booker T plays bingo. You know, he COULD be wrestling or something. Booker T trades cards with some old lady who's back is turned. Booker T tells another lady he doesn't like her. Steve Austin's voice comes over the game. Booker flips out as the camera sees him, and he runs like hell. The old lady gets a bingo as soon as he runs away. JR makes a big deal about it.
BOOKER T HIDES UNDER A PEW
Oh man, the PTC is going to have a field day with this one. Booker dresses as a statue bowing before...I THINK a statue of Mary with Jesus, though my eye sight is really bad and I'd want to go back, so don't take my word for it. I imagine CRZ will let us all know.
Top of the hour main event, with Rocky facing Lance Storm. I like Storm's chances tonight. Listen, if jobbers like The Big Bossman, Al Snow, and Chris Jericho (oh come on, you know I had to) can get wins over The Rock, surely Storm can. Rocky gets on the headset and reads off stuff Storm can do when he loses. Lance Storm looks like the safest wrestler in the world. I'm scared to death to take bumps, and even I would feel comfortable with this guy! Rocky slaps on a Sharpshooter, and Lance taps like hell. Test gets all up in Rocky's area. The interference doesn't finish Rocky. Test tries again, and I'm watching Tim White count...hmm, Storm too jumps out so no countout. Oh wait, he gets back in, and Test levels Rocky. Now we have the countout. I suspected as much. Rocky, as is normal following a loss, throws a fit. Storm sees Rocky stand for the Rock Bottom...and Rocky lets him go? He offers his hand to Storm. They shake, and sure enough, Rocky pulls him in and hits the Rock Bottom. See, when Rocky does it he ruins it for all the heels.
Chris Jericho arrives with his belts.
SOME WOMAN PLAYS 7 MINUTES IN THE CLOSET WITH BOOKER T
He's in the confessional booth. Some woman slept with her husband's best friend and brother. They had booze and a video camera. Booker wonders if there were pictures. No. She feels guilty and doesn't know what to do. He suggests she go home, do 18 Hail Mary's, write down this address and send the tape. He grins like a hyena. JR says he should be ashamed of himself. Oh come on - like he wouldn't have done it!
Chris Jericho joins us for the top hour 20 minute promo. While Jericho takes forever to get into the ring, I think I'll remind the world that the CAROLINA HURRICANES defeated Pittsburgh 7-0 the other night. Oh man that game felt good! Anyway, this is wrestling we're talking now. Jericho is the man who beat Rocky and Austin in the same night. He is also the man who beat Austin the following night. He's The Man period. I'm sure Ric Flair could argue that point. He's not going to perform tonight. He refuses to defend his championship against Rob Van Dam. Why does he deserve a title shot? Because the assclowns chant RVD? SING IT BROTHER! He's nothing but a liar and a cheater, and he has footage to prove it. Jericho shows the clip of RVD using a chair to get a win. He wants to know who would let such a move go unpunished? A jealous man. He demands Flair get out and cancel the match. Flair is stylin' and profilin' tonight. Flair can't help the fact that Jericho brought the chair into the ring. RVD is the #1 contender because he pinned Jericho on Smackdown! Whether he's worthy to be in the ring, we'll find out tonight. Jericho should sue Flair for everything he's got for insinuating that. Jericho accuses Flair of being envious and wishing he was Y2J. Like RVD he doesn't deserve to stand in the same ring. Jericho wants Flair to get over his mid-life crisis and demands he do his job. Flair says he heard that he was having a mid-life crisis 10 years ago. But no matter what, he's defending his title tonight. And the referee is slick Ric. WHOOOOOOOOOOOO! That was an AWESOME promo!
EDGE IS NEVER GONNA STOP
He's tagging with Rikishi Phatu tonight. Hey, did Kurt's music get changed a bit, or am I hearing things again? To a combination of his old and new? His partner is Test. Test and Edge are still having issues? About 10 seconds in Kurt finds a way to fall into the corner. He does not get a stink face. Edge gets an Olympic Slam which leads to the pinfall. Well, that was short. Rocky hits the ring, and with Rikishi gets a stink face on Test. You know, I have real problems with Rikishi and Rocky in the same ring as pals. But then again I have a lot of problems with some of the pairings the WWF has made lately.
IT'S ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR HHH
HHH returns on January 7th sayeth the WWF.
A few moments ago, Test took a stink face. Test challenges Rocky to a match on Smackdown! Test shoves Cole around because he has immunity.
The Big Show(!) joins us! Who's he teaming with tonight, and will he successfully capture the titles with THIS guy? Last night on Heat Chuck Palumbo defeated The Big Show. WHAT?!? Whoa, the WWF has some priority issues! Big Show tags with Tajiri. Why go back to him? Clearly he was useless as a partner last time. Chuck Palumbo and Billy Gunn has finally made it to RAW. Lawler starts talking about breasts, and JR shuts him up. So Palumbo and Gunn are...heels? JR seems to think so. They look good as a tag-team. This is of course without my seeing their wrestling - but they certainly look like a team and quite imposing. Well Palumbo's a lot more solid since last time I saw him go. And Gunn is looking really good. Show gets the tag and runs over everyone. Gunn takes a Tarantula. Fameasser! Tajiri gets the tag. He goes for the handspring when Torrie gets on the apron. Whoops! Gunn winds up getting the pin. Awesome! I think we have the next big tag-team ladies and gents.
Some guy confesses to Booker T. Booker accuses the guy of "smokin' the green stuff...the marijuana." Booker wants the guy to get the hell out of his office. NEXT! Gee, I wonder who it'll be. He's fixin' to sin real bad. The chase is on!
MAIN EVENT TIME!
But first, Booker T finds a bunch of nuns. The nuns think that Austin was an alter boy. A priest takes Austin to confession while Booker leaves with the nuns.
Ric Flair wonders if RVD has ever thought about using the figure four? RVD says no, so they walk and talk. And we hit a commercial break? That was like 60 seconds!
REAL MAIN EVENT TIME!
No...Vince is in the ring instead. Oh right, he's supposed to do commentary, right? He introduces Jericho. Flair comes out. So we're introducing the champ before the referee... Lawler dusts off a chair for McMahon. I guess it's been awhile. Fans chant RVD. Flair counts funny. I can't remember him ever donning the stripes before. This is a call to knowledgeable readers who have seen him and want to get their name in print at the top of the next column! (It's also a blatant plug for feedback.) We get the "Come On Baybay!!!" cover from Jericho for 2. RVD almost gets a fall, and Vince does the gulp. Walls Of Jericho applied at 11:05pm...is there enough time left in the show to escape? RVD gets the bottom rope. Jericho tries again, but gets rolled up. That didn't do it. Jericho starts shoving Flair who shoves him back. Rolling Thunder, and he heads up top. It hits. Cover! 1, 2, Vince pulls Flair out of the ring. Flair puts Vince in the Figure Four, and RVD puts Jericho in the Figure Four!!!!!!!! RVD's music starts playing. What the hell? Ahhh, RVD wins by DQ.
I dunno about you, but I don't have a whole lotta complaints.
Excess recap, tomorrow.