You are here
Guest Columns





Miss me? (No.) Tough.

PPV leaders is FINALLY updated. I have not been on the ball lately at all. I am way behind on Excess recapping, which For Real This Time will be up tomorrow. I didn't get last weekend's show - and by the time I e-mailed Cubs Fan to warn him, it was far too late. It was apparently a terrible show, even by Excess standards from everything I've read. So you'll all survive.

So I don't learn... I listed auctions on ebay for No Way Out, being the complete tool that I am. I've been suspended. I'm not concerned about the No Way Out stuff - I'm fully aware it's illegal. What I AM concerned about is getting rid of the REAL LEGIT COPIES WITH BOXES ON ORIGINAL TAPES of Halloween Havoc 1994, and Bash At The Beach 1999. E-mail me if you're interested and I'll throw a figure your way.

One other thing. I relaunched my homepage with a new design. It's got a spiffy logo up front (despite the appearance of Buff Bagwell and Shane Douglas) which means it's still the same old page with a spiffy logo! YEAH!

This is apparently a wrestling column. Let's watch wrestling.

U - P - N!

A HUGE MAIN EVENT is planned for tonight. Kane and HHH vs. Chris Jericho and Kurt Angle. Ummm, okay.

Those Punk Kids are back. I didn't miss them at all quite frankly, and was willing to live with them as a PPV attraction only. Oooh - and they're fighting The Dudley Boyz! WOW! This is CAN'T MISS TV! To make this even more interesting, women have been added. Jazz replaces the injured Stacy Kiebler. I can hardly wait. Jeff climbs to the top rope without using his hands. If only he'd done that on Fear Factor... Billy and Chuck defend their tag-team titles against the APA later. Err - wasn't that a Wrestlemania matchup? Lita and Matt do a WAZZUP drop. Okay, that was kinda cool. Lita gets pinned by Jazz. I don't remember the last time she won a match. Nor do I care. Hah - get a load of the Bubba lookalike in the front row.

Undertaker is busy watching Arn Anderson get his ass kicked. Ric Flair's in the house. Rock on. All Undertaker wants is a yes for Wrestlemania. The answer? He'll get it tonight. This feud RULES.

Maven is living proof dreams come true. The casting special is tonight on MTV. DAMN - put it on a channel I can watch!

Steve Austin's in the house. He's got a chair and a limp. You know, just 6 months ago I couldn't get enough of this guy. And now? Everything I ever hated about Steve Austin until this past summer has returned - and then some. New World Order interrupts before he can talk. I hope to god Scott Hall kicks his ass at Wrestlemania. Scott Hall fakes a limp. Hah! You know my biggest problem with Austin? The fact he can take out EVERYONE in the whole damn company at any given time. The n.W.o isn't a threat at all unless they have weapons, which is retarded. Three on one should be more than enough. Hogan leaves the Outsiders to take care of Austin by themselves. Hall refreshes everyone's memory about Monday night. At Wrestlemania he's going down, then out. Nash says stuff, but he's about as useless as they get right now. Considering he's the one they went out of their way to hire, you'd THINK they had something for him to do. Austin limps up the steps to face them, and pulls a gun?!? WHAT THE FUCK?!? Oh - it's a net. Jesus H. Christ! I'm not sure whether I'm shocked (which was the desired effect) or appalled? I guess it's not appalled, because I've seen far worse. Man, my heart was going about a mile a minute there. Yikes!

And that's the segment.

Time for the WHACK OF THE NIGHT. Whack it along with The Big Show.

Since The Big Show lost his match on RAW, he gets a non-title match with the IC Champion tonight. Remember when this guy was an unstoppable WCW World Champion? Remember when this guy was a somewhat unstoppable WWF World Champion? Remember when wrestling tried to keep some semblance of keeping our imaginations entertained by having The Big Show win some matches, being a big guy and all? Show kicks the crap out of Regal, but I don't care. I'm just waiting for the brass knucks. You know it, I know it. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, no Chokeslam. Brass knucks. HOLY CRAP - SHOW FALLS ON REGAL! 1, 2, 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hah, that was awesome! I've never seen the capitalize on his weight like that - GIVE ME MORE!

That was the same finish I called at Unforgiven 1999, on the British Bulldog. I wasn't any good at predictions then either.

Booker T eats a whole pound of food men love. Those things are potentially the biggest TV dinners I've ever seen - but I'm still hungry an hour later.

Booker T sells shampoo to Tajiri - who's offended. I'm guessing this leads to a match.

Chris Jericho shines his belt, and promptly shoves it up his candy ass. Stephanie orders Jericho to get along with Kurt Angle later. She then orders Jericho to get some hand lotion later. GO AWAY! Jericho's NOT the kind of character who gets walked on by anyone, ESPECIALLY a woman. ARGH ARE THEY TRYING TO RUIN EVERY GOOD HEEL THEY HAVE?

Maven walks around with his Hardcore Title. He'll defend that, after a word from the people who pay the bills.

Tear Away is the official theme of Wrestlemania. So much for a repeat of My Way - which was without a doubt the coolest of the songs they've done for a PPV.

Chris Harvard is in the crowd, looking jealous and stuff. I bet it's a SHOOT! Maven takes on Goldust. What, it isn't a Bunkhouse Brawl? This is Dustin we're talking about. I want cowbells and leather! This should be interesting to say the least. Since the title is 24/7 (or at least it is every few months) I'll take a gamble and suggest Chris Harvard pins him after jumping out of the crowd, forcing Vince to hire him or kiss the Hardcore Title goodbye? (Which would naturally get rid of the Hardcore Title - YES!) Goldust takes forever playing with the fire extinguisher, and winds up getting sprayed and pinned. Retard. Goldust was cool about 3 weeks ago. He needs more promo time. The Undertaker joins us to beat the hell out of Maven I'm guessing. Yep. Al Snow's seen enough, and saves Maven from another huge beating. I'd say that took some balls! Snow follows it up by calling Taker out. Ooh, you're in trouble now Al! Sure enough, Taker promptly kills Al, but not before Al puts up one helluva good fight considering he hasn't wrestled in months. Ric Flair makes the save, by stealing the lead pipe from Taker's bike. The answer is still no to Wrestlemania - but if he EVER touches another one of his friends, he's gonna show Taker why he's the dirtiest player in the game. Did he just ask Taker to beat the shit out of one of his friends?

Just when I think Hollywood can't sink any lower, they make a movie about some guys joining a sorority. Is there even any kind of requirement needed to becoming a Hollywood director?

The Stacker 2 Burn Of The Week sees The Acolytes wind up in a gay bar, and getting their asses pounded on by Billy and Chuck.

Did Hurricane Helms sing the theme song for Billy and Chuck?

So it's official - the Wrestlemania match is done with and hotshotted to Smackdown! tonight. The reason from Michael Cole is the Acolytes didn't want to wait, so if it's good enough for them it's good enough for me. Michael Cole calls a powerbomb a "spinebuster". Come on Michael - there's no reason to be looking up to JR. Chuck and Billy retain following a Fameasser. Excellent.

Goldust wants to make sure Maven's okay. And pins him. HAHAHAHA! New champion!

The three time Oscar nominated Batman Forever? I know it's not false advertising, but GEEZ! It's like saying "The Oscar award winning Independence Day".

Booker T is paranoid that Tajiri is talking to the Japanese people. He gets on the phone and promises after his match they'll have a star. Tajiri: "Don't worry, he's just a jackass".

Hulk Hogan narrates a video package about Hulkamania. Once again the WWF delivers with one of the top video packages in recent history. It's hard to believe this package is all about the same man. He must have had something restructured in his face at some point - because he looks REALLY different. (And it's not just age and the painted beard)

They'd be nuts NOT to make Hogan vs. Rock the main event of Wrestlemania.

Booker T isn't taking on Tajiri - but Scotty Too Hotty. Wow, I don't think I've seen them avoid such an obvious setup for a match! (In this case, Japanese shampoo hilarity!) Scotty sets up The Worm - which means it's okay to end the match now. Scotty's matches will never end without seeing him hop around, EVER. Watch them. Michael Cole incorrectly calls the Axe Kick a Scissors Kick.

Edge is the new spokesman of Japanese Shampoo. He has hair like a lion! Looks like we're getting Edge and Booker T at Wrestlemania.

While I have a commercial break - BIG props to Jay Bower in aiding the taking down of Rob Black's situation, even if it was a hoax or whatever. He should be commended for giving out all the proper information, and letting the readers do the rest, without going out of his way to take cheap shots in a situation that very much might have expected them. Rob Black is a creep, and I'm happy to hear that he's being dealt with by authorities.

And now - a Wrestlemania moment. We go back to Tables and Ladders from Wrestlemania 2000.

Christian can't believe he's listening to Diamond Dallas Page. DDP arrives with a couple of kids. One of the kids calls Christian ugly, and goes to nail him. DDP wants him to absorb positive energy, while the other calls him a loser. Christian tells him if they want a loser, go find dad. They have no dad, he left them. And Christian gets booted. If this is going anywhere, I don't see it.

On RAW, Stephanie and HHH made fun of their genitals. HHH has a small penis, and Stephanie has a loose vagina. That makes me interested in Wrestlemania!

Stephanie barges into HHH's dressing room. If I'm him, I get a restraining order. His comments about her vagina were uncalled for. His lawyer is being unreasonable by offering 50% of everything apparently. Stephanie says she made Hunter, so she deserves 50% of everything he has until the day he dies. Gee, you don't think she'll rejoin Hunter at WM do you?

Stephanie is still driving HHH nuts says Michael Cole. Because while Jericho and HHH are capable of manipulating everyone, they're no match for the brilliant Stephanie, who is by and large the most important person in the company, hence her position in the main event of Wrestlemania. It's a good thing that Kurt Angle isn't allowed to talk - because he might bore us to death by taking up time that belongs to Stephanie. Or Jericho - he might look more dominant than her, and we can't have the champ do that.

The match begins, and I'll be honest, I'm only half watching this. It IS muted, because I'm not interested in hearing Stephanie yell "YEAH!" every two seconds. Oh boy, Kurt Angle jobs to HHH AGAIN! It's getting tiresome. Kurt Angle is a guy who could easily carry the WWF on his back, but Vince seems to REFUSE to pull the trigger on him despite having the chance numerous times. Drives me crazy, I'll tell ya!

I can't say whether or not I liked this show. There's so much crap and good stuff mixed in, you never know what you're taking a bite of until you've sunk your teeth into it. Wrestlemania is going to be interesting. It can go either way. I just pray my $40 is going to be worth it.

[slash] wrestling

Mail the Author
Visit my homepage for various columns on wrestling and other stuff
Comment about this article in Wienerville



Design copyright © 1999-2002 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright © 2002 by the individual author and used with permission