WRESTLING BITS AND BITES
Okay WWF - this is IT. It's your last chance to hype this pay-per-view as the MUST watch event of the year. Please don't fail me. I've lost about every piece of hope that there is coming into this show. That's NOT good. I honestly can't remember the last show I bought where I had zero expectations. If there's nothing I MUST see, I don't watch the show, period. As it stands, if this was any show other than Wrestlemania, I'd ignore it.
Injure Stephanie. Give me a ray of hope. Tell me Monday night was a nightmare and I'm waking up. PLEASE.
I got some feedback to yesterday's column - all of which was in agreement that the WWF needs something new. A couple of readers are feeling there's something good on the way following the Biggest Show Of The Year. My problem with that is - IT'S THE BIGGEST SHOW OF THE YEAR! They needed this over the past month - and not next month. Though after the way things have gone, I'll take anything I can get.
LAST MONDAY: Lucy and Looser (I should be on the WWF writing team with a wit like that!) hang out. Don't screw with his dog! Jericho screws with his dog! BUYRATES! Oh, and HHH tears his quad again. Too bad he's not like Kurt Angle who tears his quad all the time.
Well, I guess they don't deny that Monday DID happen.
We're in the Gund arena. Gotta get a Gund!
Kurt Angle's out first. Good start. The best part about Kurt is he proves you DON'T need to be a cool heel to be a heel anymore, despite what I hear all the time. Kurt's a heel by being incredibly dorky - that's all there is to it. Not to mention he knows he's the best, and he backs it up. Of course, RVD's the same way and the people love him - go figure. Speaking of RVD, we have a match.
Kurt takes a bump over the top right on his back - yow! Is this guy not the coolest guy in the company? He's working RVD's style of match here. He works ANY style and has been the consummate professional - jobbing when told to job, and never worrying about his position because he's good enough to continue drawing heat no matter what. When everyone else is gone - Kurt's gonna be the guy to pick up the pieces. There's a reason I have so much respect for this guy. The same can be said about The Rock - who from what I understand has never gotten himself into any problems either and is clearly willing to job to anyone whenever, knowing he can easily get whatever heat he needs right back by cutting a promo. Awww shit, here comes William Regal to interfere. Well, he doesn't - he just distracts RVD, and KURT GETS THE CLEAN WIN! WHOOOOOOO! Regal attacks after the bell, and stomps a mudhole in RVD. Kurt takes too long celebrating on the ramp, and Kane makes his way out. Michael Cole has the GALL to call Kurt "red, white, and yellow". Ummm, if a 7 foot guy with bulging muscles was coming after YOU - would you run? Exactly. Hrmph.
I'm not complaining. I liked that segment.
Vince McMahon announces Ric Flair's match with Undertaker is no DQ. Oh - and Ric doesn't have to wrestle tonight, so he can go home. Thanks for showing up tonight Ric. Flair says a dirty word on his way out.
Those Punk Kids are alive! Jeff Hardy is gonna be part of a 4 way dance. I have a sneaky suspicion they might try to fit in an Acolyte, a Dudley, and a Billy and Chuck. Bradshaw sure enough is #2. Our third competitor is Billy, and I'll take a gamble that since they're taking the more popular partner that Bubba is gonna represent the Dudleys. How about that - I RULE! There's a lot of potential interference standing about the ring - wouldn't it be cool if this match had a clean finish? Jeff Hardy and Bradshaw go WASSUP - and I won't make the obvious joke here because I'm sure about 100 other guys watching this show have beat me to it. Billy Gunn hits the One And Only. Does that mean the champs are destined to lose this Sunday? Well - I'm not changing my pick, I made my choice and I'll stick with it.
Lita and Trish have a conversation. And Jesus H. Christ - what the HELL happened there? One second they're chatting, and the next Lita's bitchslapping Trish. Yikes!
David Flair (oh god) is talking with Vince. Vince wants to give David an opportunity. Imagine seeing David Flair vs. The Undertaker. David passes up the opportunity. Vince talks him into it. Vince then talks to himself...or wait - no he doesn't! Taker's around. David still has no personality.
Lugz Boot Of The Week - Al Snow wins the Hardcore Title and DOESN'T lose it before the night is done. I know, I'm as surprised as you.
And on the topic of Al, he has a title defence right now. HE'S FIGHTING THE BIG SHOW! YOU'RE DEAD AL AND I FEEL NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU! Al breaks a broom over the back of the big man - and it does no good. Haha! Michael Cole says the steps weight 50 pounds, but I've heard Tony Schiavone say they were closer to 200, and Tony wouldn't lie. Al pulls out the bowling ball, and he hits the 7-10 split! DDT - cover, 1, 2, Show throws him across the ring. Trashcans are no good - time for a Chokeslam! Goldust breaks up the pin. SCREW YOU DUSTIN! Maven rushes in while Show and Goldust fight. Maven steals the pin, and wins the Hardcore Title?!? I'm thinking that won't fare well for the Snow/Maven relationship.
Hulk Hogan's walking about. He tells Some Guy to run a tape to the production truck and play it when the time's right.
And here he comes... Hogan's been very tolerable over the past month - and I'm jacked for the match between Rocky and Hogan, if only because it's Rocky and Hogan. I could be even MORE jacked - so let's see if this interview helps any. Roddy Piper, Ultimate Warrior, and Andre The Giant were supposed to be the next big thing - but they failed to kill Hulkamania. Here's the footage from an awesome match on RAW - where Hogan pinned The Rock. The Hulkamaniacs ALMOST killed Hulkamania, but didn't. Want proof? Here's the footage again. HAHAHA! Let's watch it one more time, in slow motion. THIS RULES! The Rock is gonna find out he's ordinary. Roll that footage AGAIN! Well - no. The Rock's out to talk instead. I don't think we'll get a "Finally" tonight for some reason. No, he's in far too bad a mood. He could care less about killing Hulkamania. It's a fantasy - in his mind. Coockoo! Rock just starts RIPPING into him and it's beautiful to watch. The Rock knows it - and the millions know it. The Rock is gonna pin him at Wrestlemania, 1, 2, 3. Hogan says Rocky IS a cut above the rest, and he's not just a flavor of the week. He's partially responsible for the greatest match of all time. Whatchu gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you? Rocky starts to head to the ring. The Rock will take his vitamins, but Hulk better say his prayers. If you smell what The Rock is cooking. Both guys drop their mics and they're nose to nose. And Hogan walks off. WOW WOW WOW.
FUCK STEPHANIE MCMAHON - WHY DIDN'T WE SEE THIS EVERY NIGHT FOR THE PAST THREE WEEKS??
Booker T's out! Man, this show's been all kinds of cool. Test joins him. Well, I'll survive. They're facing Tajiri and Edge. Well, ooookay. This makes no sense, but whatever. Tajiri single-handedly manages to kick the crap out of both guys. Tajiri however can't lock a tarantula on Test - so Test drops him on his head. OWWW! Spear gets 2 before being broken up - and Booker hits a Harlem sidekick for the pin. Test forces Edge to stay put and Booker hits an Axekick. Good stuff - keep going!
Stone Cold's locker room is on TV! WOW!
Coach stands with Steve Austin. And Word crashes - losing my thoughts from the segment. Long story short - I wish nothing but the worst on Austin this Sunday night.
Backstage, Stephanie...oh fuck it, I don't care. This show's rocked, I'm not letting this ruin it. MUTE BUTTON!
Michael Cole runs down the card.
Undertaker makes the walk towards the ring. He might just be there when we get back.
Alright, ass kicking time! Taker holds the ring open for David. David attacks when Taker turns his back - which only serves to make Taker mad and kick ass. Cole says David Flair is a respectful young man... Except of course for the two times he turned on Ric, right? Ric makes the run in, Taker wins by DQ. Taker sets up David for a powerbomb - but Ric's in with a chair to stop that.
Up next, HHH has a BIG announcement. Contain me.
HHH walks out...fine. Okay, I take that back - he does wince when climbing the apron and ropes. He has an unfortunately announcement, but it's unfortunate for Chris Jericho. Jericho failed to take him out. The Game is forever. He will become the undisputed champion. And here's Jericho for a retort. AND HE'S ALONE! Oh shit, no he's not. Christ. Jericho wonders if HHH is lying about how he's feeling. Tuesday morning, she called Dr. Andrews and apparently the quad is barely holding together. So much for patient/doctor privacy huh? One misstep and the wires will snap. I'm afraid to praise her mic work here - because she's bound to put herself on TV even MORE if I dare, so I won't. Jericho says that both HHH and the dog are gonna walk with a limp for the rest of their lives. HHH admits to not being 100%. He doesn't care if it's his last step, his last match, his last breath - he's going to be at Wrestlemania. He's going to leave as the champion. Jericho's had enough and rushes. HHH beats the snot out of Jericho, but Jericho pulls the leg. On the floor Jericho gets control, but he's quickly sent into the steps. The announce table is pulled apart, and Stephanie comes over to kick HHH in the leg a couple of times. HHH gives chase, and pulls her over to the table. He goes for the Pedigree through the table, and Jericho saves her again. No question what's happening at Wrestlemania to her. Walls Of Jericho on the announce table, and HHH taps because we all know that's the universal sign for "let go". Jericho poses with the belts, and we're out.
Where the hell has this show been? It's a nice finish, but it may be too late for those who've already given up.